#like i kept inserting the (very different) context of the show into what happens in the book and it just....made it so much more rich than | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sunkissedpages · 3 years

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dirty reflection || th x reader

Summary: fulfilling a long held fantasy with your boyfriend (cockwarming him in front of a mirror)

Warnings: swearing, smut (18+)

Word Count: 2.9k

A/N: this was a piece for @honeymoonlover's birthday that i inserted tom into :)

Masterlist

"Tell me!"

“No!”

“Please!”

“No, I’m too embarrassed!”

You turned away from your boyfriend on the couch with your arms folded across your chest in protest. If there was anyone who could get you to spill something it was Tom, but you were determined not to break.

“Please, baby?” he asked again, and walked around to the other side of the sofa so that you could see his big brown eyes.

You squeezed your own eyes shut, as to not let him guilt trip you and shook your head stubbornly. Tom let out a sigh of frustration and you thought that maybe he had given up until you heard him chuckle above you.

“Fine, then I guess we won’t have sex at all.”

“What?”

You opened your eyes again and stared at your boyfriend in disbelief. He smirked.

“You heard me.”

You narrowed your eyes. “You’re bluffing.”

“No,” he insisted, doubling down. “If you won’t tell me what you want, we won’t have sex until you do.”

“You know what I want! You already know how to make me feel good.”

“I thought I did,” he huffed, sticking out his bottom lip in a pout.

“You do!”

Tom raised his arms above his head, bringing the hem of his t-shirt up to reveal a small strip of his stomach and the elastic of his Calvin Klein’s. You sucked in a breath and pursed your lips, ignoring the sight before you.

“But not this!”

The this he was referring to was just a silly fantasy of yours, one that you had purposely kept secret because you were embarrassed to admit to wanting something so... filthy. You had never planned to fulfill it- you were more than content to simply imagine the scene playing out when Tom wasn’t home, and use your own hands instead of his to take the edge off. But as of 20 minutes ago that wasn’t an option anymore because your boyfriend had come across your messages with your best friend about that very fantasy.

He hadn’t meant to pry. He had just gotten home from shooting and grabbed your Mac off of the coffee table to check Twitter. You weren’t around, but he always used your computer to scroll through social media anyway so he figured he didn’t need to ask. Your last iMessage conversation with Sloane was still up, and he went to minimize the window when he read his name at the top of one of your blue bubbles. He knew he shouldn’t have been reading your private messages, but he couldn’t stop himself.

s: you should just tell him

y/n: idk how to bring it up

s: it’s not that hard

y/n: would it be weird to ask you to tell him for me?

s: bitch yes

s: i don’t want to talk to your bf about your sex life

y/n: tom knows you though! You could just sneak it into conversation casually yk?

s: i’m not telling him you want to be-

That was as far as he got before you walked back into the room and he slammed the laptop shut in panic, looking like you’d just caught him watching porn- which to be fair, you had done before.

Before you could say anything, or even process what had just happened, Tom flipped it around on you.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

Your brain still hadn’t processed the situation so you furrowed your brow in confusion. “I don’t know what you mean-”

“Why are you talking to Sloane about our sex life?” he demanded. It finally clicked. “And what about it is so terrible about it that you don’t want to tell me yourself?”

“There’s nothing terrible about it!” you assured him.

“Then what?” His face was starting to turn red like it did whenever he got worked up. “Have you been faking-”

“No!”

You could feel your face starting to heat up as well at the implication.

“We were just talking about a dumb fantasy of mine, that’s all.”

And that’s what led you to where you were now, staring each other down over the edge of the couch, daring the other to be the first to break. The room was still filled with tension, but there had been a shift in context.

Tom's eyes were dark and nearly unreadable in the dim light of your living room.

“You’re really not going to fuck me until I tell you?” you asked. He nodded again in earnest, and raised his eyebrows expectantly. “But what do I get out of telling you?”

He gave you a look like it should have been obvious. “We’re going to do it.”

You hesitated. “What if you’re not into it?”

He shrugged and brushed off the possibility. “I’m into whatever you’re into.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“I promise,” Tom said and pressed a kiss to your lips as if to seal it. “I’m not going to judge whatever it is you want me to do to you. No matter how gross it is.” You scoffed and swatted at him, but he dodged your hand easily.

“I can’t stand you,” you muttered.

“Oh, is that why you’re always kneeling for me?”

“Do you want me to tell you or not?”

The smirk fell from his face as he hastily cleared his throat and beckoned for you to continue.

“You know that mirror we have in our bedroom?” you asked.

Tom nodded, a grin playing at the corner of his mouth as if he had an idea about where this was going.

“I’ve always wanted to cockwarm you while we sit in front of it.”

Your boyfriend was smiling from ear to ear now. He had you right where he wanted you.

“Is that all?” he asked.

“I mean, pretty much, yeah.”

“Pretty much?” The next part you mumbled under your breath. “What was that?” Tom asked, leaning over the couch so that he could hear you.

“Yes,” you bit out and clenched your jaw in a pathetic sort of pout.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” he teased, stroking your cheek with his thumb. “Okay, get up.”

“What, why?”

“I’ve got some lines to read over. You can keep my cock warm while I do that.”

“Right now?”

“I thought that’s what you wanted?”

“It-it is.”

“Then get up.”

You did as you were told and stood up from your spot on the sofa, watching as Tom grabbed the back of one of the kitchen chairs and began dragging it behind him.

“Why-”

“I don’t want to ruin our armchair,” he said as an explanation and jerked his head in the direction of your bedroom, motioning for you to follow him.

The mirror in your bedroom was one of your favorite things in the house. It sat on the floor leaned up against the wall with a large ornate frame encompassing it. It was almost taller than you, and weighed about sixty pounds. Its gold paint was chipping in the corners and it was a bit scuffed up, but it was still the best find you’d ever made at the antique fair and you stood by that. You still remembered carrying it home the day you bought it. Tom had filmed the process instead of helping, watching you struggle with the newspaper-wrapped package through the screen on his phone with a smug grin on his face the entire time.

Tom set the chair on the floor in front of the mirror and began to strip, pulling off his hoodie first before shimmying out of his joggers. You followed in suit by unzipping your skirt and letting it fall to the ground. You stepped out of it and went for your shirt next, yanking it over your head. Your hands went for the clasp of your bra after that before thinking twice.

“Do you want my bra off or-”

He seemed to think about it for a moment before answering. “Leave it on.”

You nodded and dropped your hands back by your side, watching him grab his notebook from the desk and settle on the chair. He was completely naked now, and you were left in just your underwear, a scene you both were intimately familiar with.

He spat into his palm and took his cock in his hand, pumping a few times before you stopped him.

“Let me,” you offered, kneeling on the floor in front of him.

He groaned and handed over his control easily. You grinned to yourself before taking him in your mouth. You knew he’d never pass up an opportunity to have you suck him off.

You worked slowly, taking your time, enjoying the feeling of him getting hard on your tongue. Tom gripped your hair with one hand and clutched his notebook with the other. He fought to keep his eyes open, to keep his head upright. In the mirror he could see the back of your head bobbing up and down on his lap, the expanse of your back, every scar, freckle, and mole he’d seen a thousand times before but now from a different angle.

You hollowed out your cheeks and took him to the back of your throat, trying not to laugh when you heard him curse.

“Stop,” he breathed out, pulling you off of him by your hair. “You’re a menace.”

You wiped your mouth with the back of your hand and smiled. “Thank you.”

He glared at you for a moment before flicking his gaze downwards.

“I’d ask if you want me to return the favor, but I don’t think I need to.” He reached out to prove his point and brushed a couple fingers over your panties, ignoring the way you trembled as he did. He held his hand up to you to show you the wetness gathered on his pointer and index before bringing them to his lips and sucking it off. “You’re plenty wet already.”

You suppressed a moan and pursed your lips, nodding in agreement.

Tom didn’t have to say anything for you to know what he wanted next. You slipped out of your panties and tossed them to the side. He wrapped an arm around your waist as you straddled him and lined yourself up. You both sighed as you sank down onto his cock. He kissed you deeply, winding a hand through hair and moaning your name. You let your head rest against his shoulder and tried not to rock your hips forward. Your boyfriend was having similar issues, hips stuttering underneath you, head falling back in pleasure.

“T-tommy,” you gasped.

“Don’t,” he warned through gritted teeth. You clenched around him involuntarily and whined. “What did I just say?”

“Sorry, can’t help it.”

He took a deep breath and began flipping through the pages of his notebook. You craned your neck to look back at your reflection in the mirror, smiling weakly at the sight. Tom had an arm slung loosely around your waist still. His cheeks were rosy and warm to the touch. Your ass was on full display at this angle, but you didn’t mind. You knew it was your boyfriend’s favorite view anyway, and you weren’t ashamed to admit that you could see why.

The way you were seated on his lap made it look like you could have just been cuddling. The reflection didn’t show Tom's cock buried deep inside your pussy and your breathing had slowed to somewhat of a normal pace.

Tom began to recite his lines to himself and you turned your attention back to him, admiring how he looked while he was concentrating. His eyelashes were so fucking long, it was something you had always been jealous of. The light filtering into the room made them look blond...

You were doing so good. You were relaxing comfortably, lost in your own thoughts, when Tom moved for the first time. He was just scratching his ankle, but the sudden movement made you yelp.

“Don’t do that!” you cried.

“What, this?” he asked and bent down to scratch his ankle again.

“Yes, that,” you growled.

“Why not?”

“You know why.”

“What about this?”

He leaned back and stretched his arms above his head.

“That’s worse!” you hissed.

“Sorry.”

“No you’re not.” He just shrugged and tossed his notebook on the bed. “Don’t you have work to do?”

“Could use a break,” he replied simply, “and it’s hard to focus with distractions.”

The last part was pointed at you and you narrowed your eyes.

“I have been perfectly still.”

“Yeah, but your... impatience is, well, physical.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re soaking, love.”

You looked down at Tom's lap and suddenly realized what he meant. Your arousal was quite literally dripping onto his thighs and the chair beneath you. That was why he didn’t want to use the armchair. You felt your face heat up in embarrassment and buried your head in your boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Fuck, I’m sorry!”

He chuckled and rubbed a hand up and down your back comfortingly. “Don’t be! I know you can’t help it, and it’s honestly really fucking hot.”

“You’re not just saying that?”

“No,” he promised and shook his head adamantly. “I like that I have this effect on you.”

You rolled your eyes. “Don’t let it go to your head.”

“Too late.”

“I know.”

“So this fantasy of yours,” he said, clearing his throat. “How does it end?"

“Depends.”

“On what?”

“You.”

He raised an eyebrow. “What about me?”

“Whatever you want.”

“I get to pick how it ends?”

“Mhm. I usually leave it up to the imagination so it’s open-ended.”

“You mean when you masturbate to it you cum before it ends so you lose interest?” Tom clarified.

“Maybe.”

“I know you,” he said cockily.

“And like I said, you know what I like.”

“I like to think I do.”

“So tell me what to do.”

“You just like being bossed around.”

“And what about it?”

“Brat,” he spat.

“Bitch.”

Tom smiled and jerked his hips the slightest bit, making you whimper. “Stand up.”

You tried not to show your disappointment, but did as you were told and stood up, wincing at the empty feeling that followed.

“Just for a minute, baby,” he assured you. “Turn around.”

You turned so that you were facing the mirror and let yourself be pulled back onto your boyfriend’s lap. He slid his cock back inside of you almost immediately and praised you for taking it so well.

“I thought you should see yourself,” he whispered against your shoulder.

You moaned, only able to nod in agreement. You were positioned at a bit of an angle now since you were facing forward, but any discomfort you felt evaporated when Tom kissed the back of your neck. He unclasped your bra and let it fall to the floor.

“Look at you,” he murmured as he urged you to start riding him, “fucking yourself on my cock like a slut.”

“Fuck, Tom.”

You forced yourself to look at your reflection, straining your neck so that you could see clearly. You made eye contact with yourself only to see a stranger stared back at you. The person in the mirror looked like a fucking pornstar, tits out, legs spread, but also fucked out of their mind.

“Feels so good,” you panted.

“I know, baby, I know.”

Tom brought a hand down to your clit and started to rub in circular motions, a clue that he was getting close. Your legs were shaking at this point and you could feel your own orgasm starting to creep up on you as he slammed into you from behind.

“You look so fucking hot like this,” Tom grunted.

You met his eyes in the reflection and gave a weak smile. “I know.”

“Fuck, y/n!” He came suddenly with a moan of your name. You watched in the mirror as his eyes screwed up and his whole body tensed underneath you.

“Can I- can I cum?” you begged, not even sure if you’d be able to hold out if he said no.

A mere nod of his head was all it took for you to tip over the edge. Tom weakly fucked you through it, still riding the end of his own high.

“So good for me,” he managed in broken breaths.

You arched your back against his chest as you came, mumbling profanities the entire time. You tried to keep your eyes open to watch yourself fall apart, but you only caught glimpses.

You collapsed back against Tom as the aftershocks of your orgasm subsided, gasping for breath like you had just finished running a marathon.

“Thank you,” you whispered.

Tom wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close, kissing the top of your head gently. You were both covered in sweat and cum, but neither of you could find the energy to care.

“Of course.”

You let yourself relax against his body for another moment, observing your reflections in the mirror. Your hair was a tangled mess, but so was Tom's. Hickeys were already beginning to bloom on your neck and shoulders, reminders to follow you in the days ahead.

Your eyes wandered up to meet your boyfriend’s, who was already gazing at you tenderly. You shared a brief look and smirked at each other.

“Round two?”

lmk what you think i always appreciate feedback!!

#dirty reflection #tom holland #tom holland smut #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #tom holland fic #tom holland fanfic #tom holland fanfiction

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skullsandwineglasses · 3 years

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Lost Romance Final Review (Taiwanese Drama)

I wrote about my first impressions of the drama after watching the first three episodes, and my first impression about it being cringey still stands even after having finished it. But, I admit that I did end up enjoying it despite my qualms. My thoughts about the whole drama are below.

[SPOILERS AHEAD]

The fictional world

The ML’s fictional persona (Situ Aoran) is hella douchey, and the drama only gives an explanation for why he was like that in the final episode. Essentially, Situ Aoran is the worst version of He Tinxing that he’s tried to hard to suppress and overcome over the years. It’s the version of him that’s childish, immature, arrogant, irresponsible, unreasonable. And yet, the FL, Zheng Xiao’en, still falls for this version of him. It’s a story about unwavering, unconditional love no matter who you are. On the other hand, Xiao’en begins as a “villainous” person in Aoran’s eyes, and yet, he learns to fall in love with her as well.

But, this meant that for the first 15 episodes of the drama, which is basically three quarters of the drama, I was constantly annoyed by Aoran/the fictional ML. Even when he got together with Xiao’en in the fictional world, I found it hard to ship them. Yes, Marcus Chang and Vivian Sung have chemistry, but I just didn’t enjoy the romance in the fictional world all that much.

I wasn’t hooked on the drama until episode 8ish when he finally showed some signs of liking Xiao’en, and then it picks up in episode 10 when he finally starts to take more initiative. But for the most part, it was Qingfeng, the second ML was the one who stole the show.

I’ve never had second male lead syndrome before, but I think that’s because in most dramas I’ve watched, even though the second male lead may unconditionally devoted to the FL, the ML still somehow does more.

But in Lost Romance, because the ML keep was dismissive, insensitive, and kept inadvertently hurting the FL, you end up finding that Qingfeng is actually someone who is dependable, supportive, a ray of sunshine, and an all-around better person in Xiao’en’s life. Not only that, but he’s hella charming as well. Simon Lian has such as mischievous glint in his eyes, and he carries himself with easy confidence. He flirts with Xiao’en, and she doesn’t even realize it. He’s a fictional character who’s become self-aware, and this sense of awareness and wisdom that no one else in the fictional world has makes him an even more attractive character since he’s able to see through everyone. What’s more, he goes against the script and falls for Xiao’en even when he isn’t supposed to. Him falling for Xiao’en made more sense than Aoran falling for Xiao’en.

Xiao’en and Aoran’s romance in the fictional world was very predictable. She lives in his house as a housekeeper, and he slowly warms up to her, but denies his feelings. When she leaves, he begins to miss her and gets jealous whenever she hangs out with the SML. He falls for her because she gives him a sense of safety and comfort. He feels at home with her, a feeling that he was deprived of since he was young. But because of this, it felt like the only reason he fell for her was because of what she can provide for him. And Xiao’en fell for him because he at first reminded her of He Tianxing, and then because he’s role as the ML in the story. And then she fell for him for real, flaws and all. But I guess this is a reflection of how love develops irl where both parties are able to offer something to the other in the relationship.

Qingfeng’s feelings for Xiao’en felt more pure and altruistic, which albeit makes it unrealistic, but I guess it suits his character, since he is an idealized fictional character after all.

The real world

Because Qingfeng is a fictional character, he has no real-world counterpart, so we don’t see him again after episode 15. He gets his “happy ending” in the last episode when the author finally finishes his story and he’s reunited with his storyworld sweetheart, but I still felt like there was no proper closure for his character. He finally developed real feelings, but then he’s forced back into his scripted role.

I liked how the ML and FL’s real life personas were different from the fictional world, and the drama takes a more serious tone when they return to the real world. He Tianxing is much more kind, considerate, and thoughtful than Aoran. His costuming also changed to reflect that: he no longer wears an earring, his hair is combed up instead of hanging over his forehead, and he doesn’t wear flashy rings and necklaces. He’s much more down-to-earth and humble, and you start to like him more.

Xiao’en is also much more mature. She isn’t fawning and lusting over him like in the fictional world, and she doesn’t force herself onto him, or to make him remember her. She knows that she loves Aoran, and tries to keep her attraction for Tianxing separate because she still hasn’t yet figured out whether they’re the same person. When her bestfriend asks her why she doesn’t assert herself more to jog his memory, Xian’en says that this is real life. It isn’t like the fictional world where you can be shameless with no consequence.

This means that the romantic dynamics become reversed in the real world. It’s now Tianxing’s turn to pursue Xiao’en, and Xiao’en resists. And I admit, it was cute. We get to see Tianxing fall for Xiao’en for herself and who she is as a person, and not because she’s his housemaid and lives with him. He becomes curious about her: he buys and reads all the books he’s edited, he asks her questions about her childhood and upbringing, and asks her about her feelings and opinions on things, he asks her about her memorable experiences. In the real world, he actually cares about her, not just what she can offer him. We also see Xiao’en learn about Tianxing and fall for his real-life traits. It’s an opportunity for them to truly learn about each other and fall for each other again.

The part when Tianxing reads the novel and regained his memories felt too abrupt and easy. It would have been more fun for the memories to come back in parts over time and him trying to figure out the pieces of the puzzle. It would have also have been nice to see him spend more time trying to convince Xiao’en that he really does remember and isn’t just regurgitating details from the novel. In other words, I’m a masochistic viewer and would have appreciated more drawn-out angst, but they quickly resolved this plotline within through a single gesture in the scene.

Tianxing’s relentless and determined pursuit to win over Xiao’en was cute, but only the context of this drama. He overtly stalks her using a drone, but as payback because that was how she stalked him at the beginning. A part of me knew that in any other drama, this would be creepy and overstepping boundaries, but I still couldn’t help but smile at these antics in Lost Romance. Maybe because Tianxing was reversing their roles and now he’s doing the heavy lifting to win her back, but in any case, it worked and was charming.

The family business drama

Honestly, I couldn’t care less. I skipped most scenes whenever the real-world family drama was shown, and I was still able to understand what happened in the end. The evil sister stops being evil and realizes the error of her ways (and actually has a pretty sympathetic backstory to explain her previous actions and motives) and joins forces with the ML, her younger half brother that she had wanted to kill, in order to take down a once-trusted employee who is now trying to take over and destroy the family business.

These scenes dragged out the story, but I guess they served as a reminder that the real world is still alive and kicking while the ML and FL were in a three-month long coma.

Questions

Like with most fantasy dramas, you end up accepting the plot holes and rolling with them. But there are still a few questions I still can’t get over:

1. How exactly did He Tianxing and Xiao’en end up in the fictional world of a random novel together? Why was only Xiao’en self-aware but Tianxing wasn’t? Was it because Xiao’en was editing the book so she already knew part of the story? Why did Tianxing fall into Situ Aoran’s character and why didn’t he have agency over his actions and feelings until later, while Xiao’en was a self-insert with full agency?

2. Why were only Tianxing and Xiao’en inhabiting fictional bodies, while the other characters only had the likeliness of people from real life but not the “soul” (since the characters were still conscious in real life)? Were Tianxing and Xiao’en projecting their memories of the appearances of the people they knew onto the characters in the storyworld, thereby creating a jointly shared fictional world? For instance, only Tianxing knew Chuchu irl, but Xiao’en didn’t, so he projected his image of ChuChu onto the character that Xiao’en could also see? But the fictional world was shown to be a parallel universe that had real consequences in the real-world, so the explanation for the appearance of the fictional characters can’t just be due to Tianxing and Xiao’en projecting their memories. These characters truly exist as separate, alternate entities in the storyworld. So, what exactly are these characters? Souless entities?

3. Qingfeng says that he floats from one story to the next. So why are some fictional characters fully fictional like Qingfeng, but other characters have real-life counterparts?

4. Why and how does the novel change irl when the fictional world changes? It’s also a pity that the author is completely uninvolved with all of these shenenigans, and it’s unfortunate that her novel is being using as the ML and FL’s playground. She basically lost control of her own story.

Overall impressions

It’s refreshing for a cdrama/twdrama, and they managed to keep Qingfeng’s identity a mystery for good part of the plot to keep you guessing. But for the most part, it’s another predictable, tropey modern romance drama. Even when they tried to subvert the tropes, their method of subversion was predictable. The chemistry and comedy was good, so I’d recommend it only if you have a high tolerance for cringe, since the cringe never really ends but does get better towards the last act of the drama when they return to the real world and gets more serious.

I think I’d give this drama a 7.5, mostly because I gave My Girlfriend is an Alien an 8. So if I gave Lost Romance an 8, I would bump MGIAA an 8.5 to keep it relative.

Both dramas feature a ML who deals with memory loss. The arc in Lost Romance was more serious and emotional since the FL is heartbroken over the loss, but the part where the ML regains his memory was a bit rushed. The arc in MGIAA is more comedic, but the part where he regains his memory had a bigger emotional payoff since memory loss was a major problem that the ML had been trying to overcome throughout the drama.

Might be an unpopular opinion but I think might have enjoyed this more than the Romance of Tiger and Rose. The Romance of Tiger and Rose was good, but it wasn’t very memorable. I watched it last summer, but I barely remember any details about it besides finding Zhao Lusi to be really cute. I think this drama made me feel more emotions: from frustration to embarrassment to relief to having butterflies to angst to sadness to amused.

Aoran/Tianxing and Qingfeng are also more interesting than Han Shuo. I guess I’ll wait 8 months to see if I still feel anything for this drama, or if it fades with time too.

Some other interesting notes

I had thought this drama was filmed in 2019 until I saw a sign on a bus that said “No boarding without a mask”. Turns out it was filmed in April 2020 or so, and then released in June. I was surprised that this was filmed during the peak of the pandemic when most western countries were in lockdown, but I understand that Taiwan already had things under control by then. But still, even if there wasn’t a pandemic, they filmed this in only 2-3 months, which is a quick and impressive turnaround time to film and edit a drama (even if it’s only 20 episode long). There was no indication this was filmed during a pandemic, except for the bus sign, and also the people walking in the background at the temple. You could tell many were wearing masks. Meanwhile, it’s been over a year since the pandemic started, and I’m still stuck at home, schools and outdoor activities are still closed where I am, and it just feels like my life is on hold. And yet, they filmed an entire ass drama during a pandemic. I still can’t get over that.

I haven’t watched a Taiwanese drama in a while, so there are some notable cultural differences I noticed between Taiwanese dramas and cdramas when I watched Lost Romance.

1. The uncensored intimate scenes 2. Swearing (?). Can’t remember when exactly, but I think Vivian Sung at one point said “wo kao” when she woke up and stumbled to the bathroom 3. The casual (and accurate) integration of English words and phrases. You can tell that Taiwan is much more open and comfortable with sprinkling English into their everyday vernacular. Hong Kong dramas do this as well. You see this less so in cdramas. English and other foreign languages are only used when the character is speaking to a foreign character. 4. No use of heavy filters and diffusers. Cdramas tend to look very glowy and dreamy, and they seem to use wide apertures to get a bokeh effect. Lost Romance had a more down-to-earth look. Granted, at points it did look a little dated, but I still appreciated this more toned-down, natural look. 5. LQBTQ+ references. Not only was there an accidental kiss scene between the FL and SFL, but they also mentioned how one of the male characters might be having an affair with a man. While there are BL idol dramas in China, all of the relationship dynamics are usually only heavily implied. There aren’t many explicit references to LGBTQ+ relationships in cdramas due to censorship. 6. References and homages/parodies of kdramas. Have there been cdramas that pay homage to foreign dramas as much as Lost Romance? 7. Original, non-dubbed voices. Yes, there are plenty of cdramas that use the original voices of actors, but there are also a lot of cdramas that use dubbed voices. Sometimes I’d binge watch 3 cdramas in a row, and the FLs and MLs have the same respective voice actors across all 3 dramas. The reason why I chose to watch Lost Romance was because I wanted to watch The Legends, but the FL uses the same voice actress as the FL in MGIAA, which I had just finished, so I needed a drama in between with different voices to help cleanse my palate. 8. Excessive cuts/commercial breaks. Always right before a character is about to say something pivotal, it cuts to a themesong break, which was really annoying. It really ruins the mood and suspense of the scene. And when it cuts back, it replays the last 20 seconds of the scene, while you’re on the end of your seat, yelling at the screen to tell them to get on with it and get to the point.

Anyway. Time to watch Cafe. Waiting. Love for Marcus and Vivian.

#lost romance #浪漫輸給你 #cdrama #twdrama #marcus chang #vivian sung #宋芸樺 #張立昂 #taiwanese drama

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candiliam328 · 3 years

Note

Season 1 was SO musically superior! Like imma be honest, there are very few songs I remember or liked from season 2. I think in hell I’ll be in good company, golden brown, and major Tom are the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Season 1's soundtrack is iconic. Phantom of the opera? I think we're alone now? The Walker? Shingaling? Kill of the night, hazy shade of winter, happy together, run boy run, picture book, don’t stop me now... they’re all so good! No mistakes were made XD

YES. YES. YES.

ok this is going to be an extremely long answer and...

Necessary disclaimer: these are just all my personal opinions (pls don’t attack me)

Season 1 was a musical masterpiece. The OST and the pop music worked really well together. But I... wasn’t impressed with the music in S2. There’s lots of reasons why.

But what you’re talking about... honestly same. I just looked through a playlist of the pop music in S2 and I didn’t remember most of them? Couldn’t even guess what scenes they might play in? That’s... an immediate failing. If you put a song in a show, it needs to be a deliberate choice and it needs to mean something or else why would you bother including that song?

yike I can literally talk about this for hours (more below the cut)

Music in cinema is really... weird. Even more so when you introduce pop music.

Ok, let’s go from the beginning... a good musical scoring is supposed to reflect what is happening on your screen. It’s meant to support but not overwhelm. A good musical scoring will implicitly tell you more about the story than what you are visually given... but it’s incredibly subtle. You’re not meant to realize that you’re getting some extra info because that would distract you from what’s actually happening on the screen. Some background processing of info, if you get what I mean. (more to come in my OST analysis, should it ever be finished I guess lol)

This isn’t the case with pop music. This can’t be the case with pop music.

Remember, the OST is original composition. Written specifically for this show. Only introduced to you in the context of this show.

Popular music, by definition, exists outside the context of this show.

So there’s a really subtle balance that needs to be kept here when introducing pop music because you risk taking your audience out of the moment and making them think of other memories they already associate with that song.

How do you combat that? Well, diagetic music (music built into the show, like “I Think We’re Alone Now”) tends to be more easily digested and accepted as part of the show material, since the characters are obviously hearing this music as well and interacting/reacting to the music. You have visual confirmation that this music is part of the show as well as auditory stimulation, so brain is less likely to wander off on its own journey.

But the more clever way? Have an incredibly meaningful scene tied with it, something that fits in all the right ways and allows it to work like the score, giving you additional information without you even knowing it. Something that overpowers your brain’s tendency to get distracted by whatever other context you may associate with that pop song. Something that will grab your brain and be like “Sorry, brain. This song is officially a TUA song.”

This obviously works best if you have very little memories associated with the song, so the more obscure the song the better. But if you’re an absolute mad genius with your music and your cinematic timing, you can overpower any association with any song, no matter how popular it is. (... ever wonder why every song in Shrek became an immediate Shrek song? yeah lol)

You also have to recognize that the pop music in TUA or in any other piece of cinema that includes pop music? It does not exist in auditory isolation. There’s a running stream of background music and sounds and noises. Clever sound production will make the jump between music as smooth as possible. Clever scoring will think about how to weave a narrative, while keeping in mind the pop music that will be inserted as well. Make everything as subtle and smooth as possible. Your job is to not take the audience away from the narrative of the screen.

Ok, that was a lot of background info. You may be asking, “LOL BEAN WHAT’S YOUR MAIN POINT?”

Alright, so here it is.

The pop music in season 2 was pretty much doomed to be less effective from the get-go.

The original score of TUA is composed by the lovely Jeff Russo. From my understanding, he knew what pop music was already planned for season 1 before he even got to scoring. This is important. Because he could make choices about the score and the motifs, while keeping the pop music in mind. He could make a more cohesive sound and music experience. And it worked.

There were deliberate choices made with the pop music. They prioritized and made sure you heard them in the right contexts. I will tell you now that there may be some pop music in season 1 that you completely forgot about. That’s OK. You weren’t necessarily supposed to remember them that much. You can’t be expected to pick up on everything. But the ones that played during the most important scenes? “Run Boy Run,” “Don’t Stop Me Now,” “The Walker,” “Never Tear Us Apart”? You know them. They played them longer and they took the time for your ears to appreciate the music and recognize its context in the show. None of this works if your ears and your brain don’t have enough time to process and form the associations of this song with what is happening on the screen. And they resonated with you the most because they reflected what was happening in the show the strongest. These are the important scenes you were supposed to care about and will play in your mind now whenever you hear those songs.

But an even stronger testament to the integrity of pop music in S1: The other songs you forgot about and can’t name off the top of your head? You can listen to them again and maybe even make a good guess at when they were playing in the show. They... fit the show somehow, even if you can’t exactly place it.

And this all makes sense if they chose these songs even before they started filming. Even before they started most of the scoring.

In season 1, choices were made because of the pop music.

... not so much the case for season 2.

I’ve spent less time on the music for season 2 and honestly I don’t plan to spend much more ahaha... But here’s my two cents:

The music in season 2... is incredibly confused. You no longer have this cohesive sound experience that showed up in season 1. The OST is stuck with motifs that were developed with pop music from s1 in mind. Also, Russo played really hard into the fact that Vanya played the violin in season 1 and now there’s no violin at all on-screen, but he’s stuck with an excess amount of violin in the scoring, so there’s already less of a connection there. Not only that, but Russo is no longer the sole score composer, was working on other projects while scoring this one, so there’s less time from him dedicated to make this score work, but also a slightly different sound being introduced from another composer.

Now, add in the messiness of time travel to the 1960′s. The OST is not the 1960's. Not even the new tracks introduced. So the 1960′s sound is... trying to come from the pop music. The pop music that doesn’t blend in with your OST because your OST was developed for a time set in the present.

But wait! Your S1 soundtrack got really popular because of its prime pop music choices... music that fit really well with your scenes. Let’s do that... but even more. Let’s use really popular music !! Backstreet boys, maybe some covers of Billie Eilish, and Adele. Everyone knows these songs !! They’ll see how clever we are and it’ll make them laugh !!

(Notably, this kinda ruins the charm that they were hoping to replicate from S1? Honestly, several times while I was watching S2, I literally shook my head and closed my eyes, thinking.... “of course, they would play this.” Took me completely out of the show. Yeah, it can be really fun, but idk if you are thinking about the people behind cinematic decisions during your first watch of a show, those people probably messed up at their job?)

But wait, I thought you were using your pop music to establish the 1960′s theme? Now some of your music is directly clashing with that and the environmental setting? You’re confused. What are you supposed to be taking away from the pop music now?

And here’s something even more messy: the pop music in S1 was so incredibly important in establishing the musical identity of your characters, since they were played during some of the most defining character moments. Consciously or not, you have some musical expectations already for each of the characters. Not only that, but you’re expecting this pop music to be telling you more things about your characters than what you’re seeing on the screen. What happens when those expectations are not met? There’s some cognitive dissonance. You’re mentally taken out of the show, thinking about other things. Confused about what you’re supposed to take away from this music. Bad. Musical. Decisions.

So... what does that leave you with for the music in season 2?

A mess of 1960′s music and clunky ‘on-the-nose’ music choices, which may or may not clash with the established musical identities of the characters and all clumsily tied together with a struggling OST for the musically confused ears of the audience.

Tldr; Season 1 was a musical masterpiece. The Season 2 music never even had a chance.

#wow this got out of hand lol #it also should be said that the pop music in either season is not objectively better than the other #season 2 has some bops!#its all dependent on the context #anywhos #thank you so much for this ask !!!#🥺💕#sorry it... became a monster lmao #whether this made any sense is actually extremely questionable #tua music #asks #ford-ye-fiji #my ramblings #tua #tua music thoughts #musical beans

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if-one-of-us-falls · 3 years

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A few days ago I saw some screenshots from Charlie Kaufman's 2012 Chaos Walking screenplay (posted by yer-nothing) and got intrigued, so last night I read through the whole thing and we need to talk about this.

Let me start off by saying that I'm not a big cinema buff and don't really know how screenplays work. I'm a huge fan of the books. I haven't seen the new movie yet (which, to my understanding, has a completely different screenplay) but I've watched every clip that came out and I might compare them to the Kaufman screenplay at certain points. Also, this post contains spoilers to the Kaufman screenplay and to The Knife of Never Letting Go!

I reread TKoNLG recently so it's fresh in my mind (as if it ever leaves lol) and I was impressed by how loyally the screenplay follows the book. Not only does it keep most of the scenes, but it also depicts them very closely to how they happened in the book, sometimes beat by beat. Most importantly to me, everyone is kept in character. So much so that reading the few little bits that were added and did not appear in the book made me smile because I could totally see the characters behaving this way. Kaufman understood the story and the characters he was given and expanded on them with a very light touch rather than trying to rewrite them completely - which was my #1 problem with what I've seen from the movie.

Todd is very obviously not aged up in this screenplay. Not only because he states it in his mantra, but also because he acts like book!Todd. Same with Viola. Kaufman really nailed their dynamic and the way their relationship evolves over the course of the story. A lot of Todd's narration in the book was turned into bits of Noise, and while I'm not sure how that would work on screen, I think it was done beautifully and kept the spirit and the context of the book. There is still a little bit of the romance set-up (with Todd clearly thinking about Viola being pretty etc.) but it's quite subtle and in-character, not as pushy as the movie clips felt.

Ben and Cillian still don't get a lot of screentime, but you really can't miss that they're a couple and their relationship to Todd and to eachother is established effectively.

The character who was changed the most has to be the Mayor. The screenplay gave him the power to direct Noise at Todd from a distance and basically speak to him all the time, and his intentions towards Todd are very clear and blatant. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but it is intriguing (and more than a little creepy). I suppose that Kaufman's purpose was to set up the Mayor as a more prominent character, since Aaron is the main villain in book 1.

One of my favorite added moments was the Robert Frost joke. First because it was so in-character, but also because it shows them finding common ground despite their differences. Todd doesn't have Viola's education, but instead of making fun of him for not knowing the poem the screenplay lets him come up with his own poem, which feels exactly like something Ben would have taught him. And he shows that he cares about Viola and asks her to explain rather than letting her dismiss what she said as a stupid joke. And they trust each other enough by that time that her explaining doesn't feel condescending to him like it did before. I loved that.

I actually wasn't too fond of how Kaufman rewrote the scene in the cemetery where Ben explains what really happened in Prentisstown. I think it was important in the book when Todd was the one to figure it out, and letting Viola explain felt weaker to me. But what really bugged me was changing Ben's hope speech to talk about love. It wasn't really the point in my opinion, and he barely even met Viola anyway. Overall I guess it just felt a little too Hollywood-y (can I really be surprised, though?).

Of course, a few scenes and Characters had to be cut. The most sorely missed one was Wilf, but at least the screenplay still had the Sea of Things. Sadly it didn't have gorgeous visual of them laying in the cart and riding through the song of Here, and Todd's journey to rescue Viola after Aaron took her felt a little shorter. Viola's fake accent and calling herself and Todd Hildy and Ben was cleverly integrated into the Carbonel Downs scene, so at least that wasn't lost, but that part did feel a little rushed - we didn't get the full extent of how angry VIola was at their sexism and the tension of Ben facing the Law wasn't as intense as in the book (but it might just be that it was only a screenplay. )

The scene where Viola reads Todd his ma's book was beautiful (though a little bit of comic relief was inserted that I think I'd rather cut off). The moment where Todd looks at Viola and realizes he can read her... holy shit. That was powerful. I could almost hear the background music.

Aaron was as crazy as he was in the book - which is great - except that his ranting took a bit more of a slut-shaming angle which felt just a little bit off and distracting from how scary he is.

I really liked the circular ending and the visual elements, but I'm not sure how I feel about everything that happens in that scene. I guess it comes down again to the Mayor being so blatant. In the book, this scene is our first real introduction to him, but the Kaufman screenplay is not attempting to maintain that sense of dread and mystery. I wonder what a sequel would look like since getting to know the Mayor was such a big part of book 2. Anyway I'm sure If I were in the theater when Todd's Noise said "Listen, Viola: I have hope for us" I would break down crying, if I wasn't already.

Overall I really loved that screenplay. It captured the spirit of the book. Not to complain about the movie again, but I wish I could see the Kaufman screenplay getting produced. This is the movie I wanted. It feels like such a waste of potential, but I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to at least read the screenplay.

Anyway if anyone has thoughts about this screenplay or Chaos Walking in general I would love to hear from you! I can't believe it existed since 2012 and I only found it now.

#chaos walking #chaos walking spoilers #the knife of never letting go #the knife of never letting go spoilers #charlie kaufman #patrick ness #lmao who would have thought that i would be more excited about an un-producted screenplay than a finished movie that actually had patrick n #also did i mention that i just read it straight through until 2 am last night #knowing full well i had to get up for work today #i just couldn't stop

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thattimdrakeguy · 3 years

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If fandom has taught me anything, it’s hypocrisies.

Now, I haven’t seen an example of this recently. But seeing that the dude (who I recognize often when I see it, but by golly I can’t even tell you my friends usernames) get harassed over something dumb like a height...that’s canon...sure, might be an error by DC to keep using it currently, cause yeah, but...that’s not on them. Like still confused by that.

But gosh it’s just making me remember different random toxicities that still just confuse me.

It’s like when people get mad because “JUST CAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE IT, DOESN’T MAKE IT ANY LESS CANON, OR OUT OF CHARACTER” but yet I’ve seen the exact same people go “THIS IS OUT OF CHARACTER AND SHOULDN’T BE CANON”. Cause they didn’t like something else.

Like, ah, yes, logic. The stocks on that are depleting.

Or in my experience, people taking writing criticisms and thinking it’s about the character.

Recently I reseen a post where someone took a post that several people added on and said “THIS IS WHY PEOPLE HATE TIM STANS”.

The post?

Uh. Breaking down the bad writing Damian has had--in the context of it not being very good writing.

While several of the people show no distaste towards him himself. Some even liking him.

If me criticizing the bad writing of a character meant I hated them. Tim Drake would probably be my least favorite character. Some even pointing this out but still not realizing it means I don’t hate the other characters. I just hated them sticking their attitude into my freaking face like it was warranted.

When I hated characters, it was mostly just cause of the respective fandoms. And I’ve grown past that, cause I really don’t interact in the fandom as much as I use to. I’ve cleansed by pallet of it, because they’re really unhealthy places to be stuck in if you have a tendency to get really sucked into things.

I hate false virtuous people. People that gotta make themselves seem the better by putting other downs--when really they’re either just a hypocrite or have a massive temper they won’t admit and continue digging themselves a hole. More than once I have gone “that’s not what that post about, it’s about *insert thing here*”, and they kept arguing about the thing it wasn’t about.

Thinking their some kind of hero when they’re just a nut yelling nonsense.

Or people who say “I JUST DON’T GET WHY PEOPLE DON’T LIKE *insert name here*”...when the person literally gives their reasons and sometimes screenshots as evidence it happened.

Can happen with literally any character, and it’s never less annoying with any of them.

Playing dumb, and angry seems to be a competition in fandom areas.

And fandoms are a place for discussions, but just getting angry and not really realizing what you’re responding to or saying, well, just makes you a bit of a jackass really. It’s not a discussion at that point, you’re just harassing a person.

I used to be a bit of a Mr. Angry, mainly cause I was afraid no one would take me serious otherwise. Which I realized didn’t matter cause people would lie one way or another. But I’ve also realized ya just seem like a bit of a prick.

If you can’t take the time to make sure you realize what you’re saying or what you’re responding to. Basically, you’re best not to respond at all.

A lot of us are passionate, and I know for some that leads to frustration or anger, I’ve been on that side to. But either leave a calm polite anon about your opinion to the person for more a discussion that hopefully won’t descent into heat, or just talk in the DMs very politely.

No body gets anything out of people just yelling at each other.

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vietzuko · 3 years

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if we used to share a discord server, this post is for you!

hello! i am going to try to do this as anonymously and non-confrontationally as possible. i do not want this to be a spectacle or call out post, but i will say that i am quite disturbed by the way situations have transpired on the server.

in case you didn’t notice, i left! when i left, i wrote a little goodbye post in #general, which has since been deleted. either the mods deleted my goodbye or they banned me from the server (which automatically would delete my message). in case you didn’t see it, here was my goodbye message:

hi everyone, i’m leaving the server. if you’re a POC who is interested in joining an ATLA server where POC can talk about ATLA and critically discuss race, feel free to PM me for a link! otherwise, this is goodbye. see you all around.

i won’t rehash everything that happened in the events leading to this, nor will i name names in this post. if you were on the server, you probably saw what happened publicly or you can message me personally, either here or on discord. if we know each other through the server and you want some clarity over names/events in this post, please PM me.

if you are a POC in the ATLA fandom who is concerned by the events of this post and you would like me to clarify which server i’m talking about, please PM me.

i just wanted to share the very long message that i sent to the mods (on their prompting!) because i feel that it shows my perspective on what transpired. unfortunately, this message did not result in any meaningful change, except for me getting banned/my messages removed from the server. i suppose that’s a type of meaning! haha.

anyway. here’s the message. cw for racism, yellowface

hi MOD 1 (and presumably the other mods who will read this message)! thanks for reaching out. i’ve had some time to dwell on the situation and discuss it with other people in the server who witnessed it and reached out to me personally. this is going to be an unbelievably long message, so i apologize in advance and thank you for your time in reading it.

i think the first thing i’d like to do is give some context for the incident and to give my perspective on why i said the things i said.

i have PMed a mod about a racist incident in the server exactly once. it was when i first joined, and i saw a picture of a white person in yellowface in the cosplay channel. i didn’t know any of you personally yet (and this was before some of you even joined on as mods). i have since told SERVER MEMBER 1 about this incident and i’m pretty sure they mentioned it to you because i noticed you’ve changed the yellowface rule. but i think that the context of me pinging a mod about a racist incident and then witnessing another (although less egregious) instance of racism by the mods might explain why i am, in general, hesitant about talking to mods about racism on the server. i am just trying to live my life and experience as few micro-aggressions as possible.

i also think the fact that i regularly educate and push back against white people’s racially harmful messages in the server is also important context. i realize none of you likely know this, but about every two weeks i receive an unsolicited PM from a different white person apologizing/asking for forgiveness/asking for reassurance/asking further questions about their racism on the server. i’m glad people are learning from me, but this is a huge amount of emotional labor that i put into the server and its members because of course i have to reply and explain things and tell them not to worry and thank them for apologizing, etc. i know that these messages aren’t your fault, nor am i asking you to do anything about this. but it feels important that you know the price that i (and perhaps other poc in the server, although i can’t speak to that) pay in order to share space with you.

MOD 2 has even messaged me personally to thank me for educating people in the server and responding to racist messages, saying: “really appreciate how much effort you put in and everything, i was trying to type something up but floundering badly.” it was a nice message, and i appreciated it a lot! it also led me to believe that the mods would prefer if i engage with racist messages myself, rather than ping them, because it felt like i was just going to be more able/willing to articulate a response anyway.

so when SERVER MEMBER 2 messaged the zukka channel “thought that lives in my head rent free: Sokka's hairstyle in canon is just a warrior's hairstyle and has meaning because of that. Sokka wearing the same hairstyle in a modern AU is undisputably queer-coded” and nobody replied for a while, i assumed that it was because they had seen what i had seen-- a racially insensitive message that totally ignores sokka’s indigenous heritage and the history behind indigenous hair-- so i decided to step in with what i thought was a balanced response.

SERVER MEMBER 2 then replied with a cheery “Fair enough! I will defer to your greater knowledge,” which i couldn’t tell was sarcastic or not, but i decided to be generous and to believe they were genuinely thankful for my reply, so i responded with a “you too can have great knowledge. i only know things because i read things. anyone can read things and learn,” which is something i firmly believe and also a way to divert the conversation away from SERVER MEMBER 2’s mistake, which i felt was the most dignified solution for them. i suppose this message could be read as aggressive because i didn’t use exclamation marks? but that feels unfair and ungenerous because i genuinely did not mean this message in a harsh way.

then SERVER MEMBER 3 jumped in and asked a few questions, which i read as a request for clarification, so i tried to continue to explain my point. it felt like SERVER MEMBER 3 wasn’t understanding what i was trying to explain, or at least i wasn’t able to articulate myself well enough, which was making me a little tired and stressy (and i was also thinking about my own race and queerness in stressful and triggering ways), so i decided to tap out of the conversation.

me: dude i love u and i respect u and i truly believe that u are trying very hard to understand, but this conversation is making me kinda heated

SERVER MEMBER 3: I’m gonna step back from it because it’s not my conversation to insert myself into, which is what I did initially and apologize for

me: i think it's so important to engage + ask questions & i appreciate that u respect my opinions on these things, but i think i'm just. i have said what i need to say and now must sleep. much love to all.

to me, this felt like me expressing that i was feeling tired and upset and leaving the conversation, while still attempting to reassure SERVER MEMBER 3 that i still admired him as a friend. i felt like the conversation had ended peacefully!

i hope this helps explain why MOD 3’s message came as such a surprise.

“the escalation to defensiveness and accusation regarding the original (relatively benign) statement was unnecessary and exaggerated. There’s an atmosphere of purity policing that’s been growing, which is why I took away the squick channel, as I assumed that a space that encouraged no repercussions was facilitating irresponsibility aggressive arguments. “

i truly didn’t believe i was being defensive. i was very careful not to accuse anyone of anything. in fact, i tried as far as i could to coat my language in “i” statements-- “i would personally not choose…”, “i would just. stay away from…” in order to avoid “accusations.” i was also trying very hard not to be aggressive, and i (and other poc that i have spoken to about this) believe that the idea that my messages were aggressive is racialized. just because a poc is upset about racism, it doesn’t mean they’re attacking you personally!

i feel so hurt that my messages were wilfully interpreted in this way, instead of being read generously and from a more compassionate perspective, especially since i voiced my own upset and discomfort during the conversation. it distresses me to think that me expressing negative emotions is seen as aggressive, rather than a cause for empathy or care, and i do believe that this is because of my race.

if a mod had asked me to take the messages to the DMs or to squick or even just let me know that someone was interpreting my messages as aggressive, i would have changed my behavior. (like i said earlier, i spend a HUGE amount of energy coddling white people on this server. i am very used to it.)

instead, i got the shock of 45 minutes after the fact, being publicly chastised and labeled as aggressive and being told that my conversation was “something nasty or unwanted.”

the idea that SERVER MEMBER 3 was de-escalating a “clearly escalating situation” feels untrue to me. i was ready to move on after i sent my message to SERVER MEMBER 2, but he kept engaging me on the subject! (no hate to SERVER MEMBER 3 on this.)

i think one of the most painful parts of this whole situation is the implication that i was attempting to “purity police,” as though i am a person who picks fights just because i want to feel good about picking fights?? or to act holier-than-thou???? i do not do this. if you have witnessed ANY interaction i’ve had with a racially insensitive white person on the server, you will know this.

i am simply a person of color trying to live my life. i do not want to fight about racism. i want to chill out and watch my cartoons. unfortunately, sometimes, someone will say something that i consider racially insensitive and i will do my best to engage and explain why i find this insensitive. that is all. (it is important to note that most of the time, when i see racially insensitive things on the server, i do not say anything because i am tired and it is a lot of effort to engage. i truly only engaged this time because nobody had replied to the message and i was just like, oh, fine, i guess i’ll educate, since no one else has!)

this whole incident has honestly made me really hurt and disrespected. i have enjoyed my time on the server and i have made some good friends there. however, it feels clearer and clearer to me that the server is a space where white feelings of safety (not being criticized for their racist content) are prioritized over poc’s feelings of safety (not having to witness and experience racist content). i sincerely considered myself to be an active and enthusiastic member of the server, maybe even friends with some of you, but it feels to me that all of our previous positive interactions have been displaced by this idea of me as an aggressive, overzealous purity cop who calls things racist for fun.

i don’t even know how to repair my relationship with the server after this because i really do feel horrible and sick about the whole thing. i have spoken to other poc who also expressed their concerns about the way the mods handled the situation, even if these other poc weren’t directly involved, and some of us are considering leaving the server, if we haven’t already. (i would also like to note that these people reached out to me, unprompted, to make sure i was doing okay after what they and i interpreted as a micro-aggression by the mods. like, we independently read the situation in this way.)

(also, not sure if this matters, but i talked to SERVER MEMBER 3 the morning after the incident because i wanted to make sure he was okay, and we both ended up apologizing to each other and having a really good and productive talk.)

thanks again for reading this. i hope that you’ll be able to better understand my perspective on what occurred. i truly appreciate the work that you put into the server (especially as someone who also puts work into the server lol), and i know it’s difficult to mod a large server (i also mod an atla server!), but i continue to feel hurt about this. i know it’s hard to read tone over server messages, but i really wish that my (and SERVER MEMBER 4′s and SERVER MEMBER 5′s ) server messages had been read with greater compassion.

...

and that’s all folks! i’m going to be remaking my blog soon, partially because this whole experience has exhausted me and partially because i have been meaning to anonymize my internet presence for some time.

#felix.txt

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osrasaskblog · 3 years

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Well, guys.

I really hoped that I wasn't going to make this post, but I'm afraid it needs to be done.

I started writing Opal, Sapphire, Ruby, and STEVEN! in 2016, when I was in high school. I loved the characters of Opal and Ruby and Sapphire and I wanted to see more of them than what was in the show. I was curious, what would it be like if they had swapped places with Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl? How would those different personalities work together? How different would things be if they were the characters that we followed? I would have loved to read a fic of it.

And then I figured, well, hey, why don’t I write a fic of it?

So I took to my little writing tablet and started up my new story. And I had so much fun doing it. I loved writing Ruby, who was a spitfire but also had a gentle heart. I loved writing Sapphire, who was cool and composed but always warmed up to her friends, especially Steven. I loved writing Opal, who was just so many things at once—a calm leader, but also a goofball, a wise war hero but also a cool aunt-like figure. Most of all I loved to write Steven, who was just so funny, a goofy and adorable kid who was also shouldering the responsibility of a world on his shoulders.

It was so relaxing to write these little episodic chapters, especially as the quiet kid in class who could never stay too far from her works-in-progress. I knew back then that I was going to be a writer someday, because I had this deep, passionate need to create stories and characters. But without an original idea of my own yet, I loved writing fanfiction. I think why I love to write fanfiction so much is because even though there’s something already there, I’m taking it and reforming it. I guess it’s kind of like those “finish this picture” pages in coloring books. There’s something already there, but you finish it—you decide what it will be. Is this pretentious? Maybe. I’m not always great with words, ironically.

So I wrote all these short chapters with this new set of characters, and I thought, I’m going to change things up. I didn’t just want it to be different characters saying and doing the exact same thing as the original story—I didn’t want to copy-paste the episodes scripts and use the “replace” tool to change the names. I came up with new backstories for the Crystal Gems. I looked at the original episodes and thought of how I could tweak them, mix them up a little bit.

The chapters started to get longer and longer because of this, and my own writing style developing a lot. Instead of just no-beta keyboard smashing between my classes, I actually sat down and wrote things out, put in more descriptions, more dialogue, etc. And for a really long time I thought that the same-but-different format of the story was a good thing. I thought it was fun to write new characters in new situations, while also having that familiarity—many reviewers would comment things like “I can’t wait to see how they’ll react to X!” or “I can’t wait until we get to [insert episode here]!” That was originally the whole point of the story—different situations, same characters.

I enjoy reading through my work sometimes. Though, I’ve said to several people that I avoid the first chapters of OSRAS because I just think my work was so subpar back then. And again, I liked the same-but-different story I had written. It was fun, it was simple.

Then things started to get different. When? Well, I can’t really pinpoint it, but if I had to guess:

I recall, though, as I was writing “The Ocean” (which was posted around the same time as the “Bismuth” episode) that something was off. Even though I enjoyed writing the fic, this chapter was my first curveball—because in the show, “Mirror Gem/Ocean Gem” is a gamechanger. It changes everything that had been established already, introduced a new character, and set a different tone from the series so far. And in writing this arc for OSRAS, I realized that I…didn’t really have much to offer.

The episodes were very Steven-and-Lapis centric. The Crystal Gems weren’t involved very much. So…what was really the point of writing it? Because the readers already know what’s going to happen. Even back then I looked at the chapters I wrote and thought, this doesn’t have that same-but-different appeal. It’s just the same. What about Steven talking to Lapis in the whirlpool was different from him talking to her atop the pillar of water?

Afterwards, the show started getting into its “everything is changing” point in Season 3. Soon after “Bismuth” came “Back to the Moon,” where we find out Rose shattered Pink Diamond. This was a big “oh crap” moment. Finding out that there was a Pink Diamond was a big “oh crap” moment, because this was when the fandom was at its peak of theorizing.

And even though I kept writing the fic, I was trying to figure out how I was going to tackle this. Because there was no way to get that shock into the fic. It would just be Steven reacting to something the readers already knew. No shock. No drama. Just marking stuff off the checklist. It happened in the show, so it would happen in the fic.

The same-but-different appeal didn’t seem like that anymore. It seemed more like a problem than anything. Like I said, reviewers often said stuff like “I can’t wait for this episode!” But one or two did say that they just didn’t feel the same way—that they couldn’t really see a point in writing a fic that was basically just the original series with a few minor tweaks. I don’t like brushing off criticism, in fact I love criticism, but to this I originally just shrugged and said, “Well, that’s what the fic is. Don’t like, don’t read, I guess.”

Now the problem was that I didn’t like it. I found some reprieve when I wrote chapters like “The Common Soldier,” which delved into the entirely-different backstory of Ruby, but then there was “The Test,” “The Invasion,” and “The Jailbreak.” And “The Jailbreak” was like…the point of the whole fic. The big thing that the chapters were leading up to, where Opal would be “revealed” as a fusion and Pearl and Amethyst would make their debut. And again, same-but-different. The readers were seeing what it would be like if they were the fusion instead of Ruby and Sapphire, and it’s fun, right? They’re not expecting to be shocked, they were reading for the “what if”, right? The biggest curveball I threw in that chapter was having Peridot fuse with Lapis instead of Jasper…which I decided to do when I began writing the chapter, so I scurried to figure out where I was going to go with it.

I decided that in the next fic (Twists & Turns) I would decide to amp up the differences. But I stumbled. “The Shock”, ironically, was not a shock. Opal and Steven find the Cluster just like how he and Garnet did. Then “The Mistake”, where even though the reason for Opal and Ruby’s fight was different, there was always going to be a fight. I struggled to find this balance between the familiarity and the need for something different. I figured, yeah, there’s still the desire to see new characters react to the same situations, but what else? That was it.

To try and remedy this problem, I started planning my chapters ahead instead of writing by the seat of my pants like I was. I started getting more and more into making things different. I tried to figure out how to make Chrysocolla different than Malachite, and came up with a “peaceful” resolution as opposed to the action-packed one. I would hit the same story beats, but I thought, the pull will be the different context and motivations.

But…the original series kept going, and we all know how it went. Rose turned out to be Pink Diamond. The Crystal Gems go to Homeworld to confront White Diamond. Steven finally changes her mind. And more than that, all the character arcs are wrapped up. Garnet embraces herself as a fusion, Amethyst finds her self-worth, Pearl decides to fight for herself rather than anyone else, etc, etc. A lot of stuff that just would not carry over to OSRAS. Like, how would I even try to recreate Change Your Mind??? How on earth would I find a way to write the Rose-is-Pink reveal without the readers going yeah, yeah, we know?

So I started to come up with a whole new thing. Or at least, I tried. This is where Star came from. Something completely new, completely original, to set the fic apart from the original series. I knew that I needed to create an ending for the story—and more than that, the characters. Opal, Sapphire, and Ruby all have their own individual stories that would need to be wrapped up.

But all the ideas that I had for the finale of the fic were vague and blurry. Which was really bad, because writing a story when you don’t know how it’s going to end is…very stressful. I realized eventually that I had made a very hellish situation for myself.

I wanted to write a new, original story. But the first ~36 chapters were just an adaptation of the original series.

I feel so awful right now because I feel like I lied to so many of my followers so many times. Some asked if Spinel was going to appear, and I said I think I found a way for her to fit in just fine…and then I dropped that whole idea, and thus lost a place for Spinel. Sometimes I said “I have a plan for how this will work out” when what I meant was “I plan to have a plan for how this will work out.”

So, to summarize:

1. The original series started to become so lore-heavy that a “same story, different characters” fic was just not going to work.

2. Even so, that was what the fic had been for a very large time. To write a new and original story, I would still have to work with what I had already done. Like the “finish the picture” page in the coloring book was like 99% done and I had very little space to make something creative.

3. Because I no longer wanted to do a same-but-different story, I had to let go of the show’s original storyline and come up with my own…while I was already writing the story. Again, I had no ending for the story even though I was posting chapters for it as often as I could.

And I kept doing this for…years. Because I refused to let this fic go. I felt such an attachment to Opal, Ruby, and Sapphire and their stories that I had come up for them. The first fic was 259,004 words long. And Twists & Turns? 305,428. I couldn’t just throw that much work away, I had to salvage it. And more than anything, I still had so many follows, favorites, and bookmarks, readers leaving me reviews, people sending me asks into my inbox. When I went through rough times in my life and was slow on updates, so many readers comforted me, telling me it was okay. And I had people tell me that this fic was…important to them. That it made them happy when they were in rough times.

But the truth was…I just didn’t like this fic anymore.

Sometimes I found myself enjoying it still. Writing Jasper’s redemption arc was truly fun for me, one of my favorite things I’ve ever written. I love writing the comedy style of Steven Universe. I loved writing these characters and their interactions. And yeah, sometimes I would still re-read some of the earlier chapters and enjoy doing so.

But…

Every time I post up a new chapter, I just wish it was something else. Even if I loved Jasper’s redemption arc, Lapis and Peridot’s unique relationship, the fight between Steven and the Crystal Gems, it was like watching good scenes from a bad movie for me. Like yeah, this is nice, and I like it, but when I looked at the bigger picture, I was just disappointed. It felt like the original vision, a very simple and straightforward SU but Opal, Ruby, and Sapphire instead, had just…chained it down. I wanted to be creative, make a story that was original, but each chapter I’ve been posting lately just feels like that 99%-done picture.

And all those ideas for the finale just—never came together. Some became pretty clear. There were things that I came up with that I thought, Oh, that’d be so COOL! But because of what the fic already was, it would have never worked. It would’ve broken the rules of the setting, or it would have come out of nowhere with no buildup. I had a whole lot of puzzle pieces that wouldn’t fit together. The time that I put aside to try and figure this out were just hellish. I have spent hours staring up at the ceiling, trying to figure out how to end this story, and each and every time I’ve walked away with no progress and more stress than I can handle.

I can’t recall what all detail I’ve gone into, but I know I’ve told readers before that life has been stressful for me as of late. Not just with work and school, which are taking huge bites out of my time, but health issues and family issues, too. And it feels so stupid, to say that writing a fic for a children’s TV show was another problem, but the truth was that it was. I already had/have so many things weighing me down and causing me anxiety, and on top of all of them I’ve been putting time aside almost every day to worry about this story.

I’m writing this now after three hours trying to find a way to wrap up this fic and coming up with nothing. The only solution that I can find now, to just stick with the original storyline set up by the show, doesn’t feel like a solution at all. It would still have that huge, glaring problem: I have already seen this, so why should I read it? And probably a large part of that has to do with Steven being the protagonist, and already establishing that he’s going through an arc dealing with trauma and identity issues…just like the show did. Not adding anything new.

On top of the lack of a proper solution, though, the idea of writing three more seasons’ worth of OSRAS fills me with dread. This story, which has no set ending or resolution to its plot (let alone its character arcs), could take me years to finish in that absolutely unsatisfying manner I mentioned. That’s years of writing a story that I only find occasional joy in. Years of dedication to something that I just regret at this point.

So, I guess you figure by now that this is a bit of a farewell. And just writing that makes me feel so shitty. I feel like I’m about to cry now, because even though I’m committing to this decision, and even though I’m feeling relief already, I am wracked with guilt. I feel as though I’m letting so many people down. After months and months of “Sorry for the wait, promise more chapters are coming!” and months and months of “I promise we’re getting to X soon!” now I’m taking that all back. And again, I’ve had people tell me how much this fic means to them. I imagine that some people are going to be reading this, and they’re going to be hurt and angry and betrayed, and I honestly can’t blame them. Not just because I know firsthand how frustrating it is to have a story I really love be discontinued, but because I feel as though I’ve lied to my readers.

Unfortunately, as I said, I’m committing to this. This is just the only solution that I can find to this problem that’s been weighing down on me for years now. OSRAS is always going to mean something to me, because like I said, I did find joy in the characters and the interactions, the dialogue that I came up with. I wrote this story for five years. But the little joys weren’t enough to outweigh the stress. Ideally I want to say something like But maybe one day I’ll figure out a proper ending, but I can’t promise something like that.

WITH ALL THAT BEING SAID...

I’m attempting to work on a revamp at the moment. I still very much like the idea of a swapfic, but I’m going to need to make it from the ground-up. Maybe I’ll make Connie the same character; maybe I’ll put it in a different setting. I still have ideas for Ruby’s story as the last of her kind, and Opal’s unique situation of a fusion by necessity. Like I said, I did have some thoughts for how these could have been resolved, but with the current state of the fic, they wouldn’t be possible.

I’m going to leave the fics up, promise I won’t be deleting them. If anyone wants to ask questions, my inbox is open, but I can’t promise immediate answers. And if anyone wants to message me about plans I did have for the fic, feel free to do so, but I won’t be posting them publicly on the blog. I may revisit them if I ever go for a revamp. And some things I’m going to keep to myself, because they’re ideas that have a stronger chance of being revisited and I’d rather keep them secret.

So this is coming to be about 3,000 words now. And maybe 3,000 words is way too much for a “I’m discontinuing the fic” post, and maybe this is 3,000 words of pure overdramatic whining, but I wanted to give a full explanation here for why I’ve made this decision.

The second-to-last thing I wanted to say is that I’m sincerely sorry to anyone who feels hurt by this. Like I said, maybe one day I’ll try this again after all, but as-is, the state of OSRAS feels like a mess that I can’t fix. Plus I’m going to be a little selfish and do what’s going to relieve me of this stress. All I can say is that I am positive that if I decided to continue this fic, it would have been obvious in the writing that I’d lost my passion for it.

The last thing I wanted to say is a giant THANK YOU to all my readers and followers over the years. Even if OSRAS is over, I want each and every one of you to know that all your reviews, favorites, and bookmarks always made my day a little better. I only hope that if/when I get around to the revamp, it will be so much better than OSRAS was.

So, this is goodbye to OSRAS for now. Again, my sincerest apologies, and my sincerest thanks.

Sincerely, myself, Opal, Sapphire, Ruby, and Steven

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maxwell-grant · 3 years

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On The Shadow’s “new” backstory

Poke around any discussion of The Shadow and the movie in particular and you’re gonna find a lot of contention regarding the movie’s biggest shift from the source material, that was inventing a whole new backstory for the character where, prior to being The Shadow, he used to be a murderous warlord on Tibet who was kidnapped by monks and forced to undergo redemption and put his skills to fight evil.

It was not a popular decision at the time, to put it mildly. It didn’t do anything to improve the film (that text crawl really shoots the entire film in the foot), it soured a lot of fan opinions on the whole thing, and yet it’s become such a fixture of every story told with the character since then, that odds are most people think this is just what he always like, that this lip-service about redemption and being a former bastard turned hero was always what the character “was about”.

I have some complicated thoughts on it and how it’s affecte Shadow stories since then, most of whom are negative, but the thing is, I get where it’s coming from. I get why they felt the need to change his origin like that, and why it’s stuck around.

In the pulps, The Shadow’s backstory was, to sum it up, that he was a spy who went to war, learned a lot of skills and did a lot of things, and then pivoted to fighting crime in the late thirties. That was the backstory of most 30s American pulp heroes, actually, give or take a couple of differences. And for a pulp hero, it works. But modern audiences have been taught to expect more.

The movie, in trying to repackage the character for a modern audience, in turning The Shadow into a superhero so he could survive in a 90s blockbuster landscape, needed an appropriately punchy superhero backstory. Superhero backstories tend to be, in general, all about a dramatic hook that simplifies their motivations, powerset or life stories into a one-sentence pitch. Batman lost his parents in a brutal mugging as a child and swore to stop that from happening to others. Spider-Man’s uncle died because of his irresponsibility. Ben Grimm gained superpowers from space rays like his friends, except he got turned into a deformed rock monster who can never look normal again. Bruce Banner got caught in an atomic blast that made him into an unkillable rage monster. A dramatic transgression happened, they must correct it by becoming dramatic figures themselves.

They’ve made 3 John Wick movies with little more motivation to the central character other than “they killed his dog in the first movie”. That’s not a dismissal, it’s just effective storytelling. We don’t need more motivation for John Wick, we don’t need Batman flashbacks in every film, we get a one-sentence hook for a tangible, grounded motivation that lets the characters hit the ground running. “Used to be a savage murderous warlord, now applies said savagery to killing criminals” is a simple, easily understood pitch that’s considerably more dramatic than his former backstory. It works as a superhero backstory, and you can argue it’s even somewhat thematically fitting, since “a villain who turns evil against evil” has been part of The Shadow’s concept from day one.

So what’s the problem with it?

Well, for one, The Shadow is not a superhero. He doesn’t look like them, he doesn’t act like them, he doesn’t live in their world. They can try and turn him into one, and they have done that several times, but the character’s core traits, central appeal and identity are not only considerably older than the superhero, they run directly counter to what defines a superhero. The movie that tried turning him into a superhero was a box office and critical failure, and the Dynamite comics have largely just succeeded at keeping the character in the fringes of the public eye and nothing more. If turning The Shadow into a superhero was intended to revitalize his success to modern audiences, it clearly hasn’t worked in over two decades, despite superheroes being more popular than ever before. It’s kept him on little more than life support.

And two, one of the very problems of trying to turn The Shadow into a superhero, and give him an ultra-dramatic superhero backstory pitch, is because it runs counter to a cornerstone of The Shadow’s appeal: the mystery. Superheroes have to pull double duty in being both the impressive, great warriors and forces of change within a story, as well as being our relatable, POV protagonist whose struggles we relate to. The Shadow, in the pulps, split that balance, between himself, and the agents and protagonists of any given Shadow story. @oldschoolcrimefighters has brilliant writings on The Shadow and his agents that inspired me to do this blog in the first place and you should all read, and I’m going to quote this one in particular:

“..modern storytelling focuses more on characterization rather than plot. I think a lot of creators come at The Shadow with that in mind, and with a mindset built on other comics and properties: the titular character is the one to focus on. And the radio show, movie(s), and comics – the most readily available mediums for research – don’t do much to disabuse them of this idea.

So creators shine the spotlight on The Shadow. They try to humanize him, make him into someone we the readers will empathize with and relate to and root for and all that jazz. They give him motivations and backstories and banter, a token romantic interest (Margo) and sometimes sidekick (usually Moe) to bounce exposition off of and provide comic relief.

The Shadow doesn’t take kindly to spotlights. And even if he did, let’s be real, he’s not the most relatable dude. He’s a power fantasy. (And there’s nothing wrong with that.)

Whether or not he should be humanized at all is a touchy subject – I personally think the pulps portray him as a far more empathetic, fallible, playful being than people give them credit for. The thing is, when the pulps humanize him, it’s in a particular context. It’s in his relationships with other characters – especially the supporting cast – that his humanity shines.”

And that brings to the third problem: The Shadow doesn’t need a backstory that takes up so much screentime and focus. It has never factored into what made the character popular in his prime. In the pulps, we jumped right into his presence in the lives of others and his adventures, with only very sparse information about his past delivered every couple dozen books or so. It took over 131 novels for the name “Kent Allard” to even show up with a “proper” backstory, and even then, it consisted of little more than stuff we’d already been told prior about him (he was in the war, he used to be a spy, he traveled around the world with false names). And after a couple dozen stories, Kent Allard appeared less and less, about as often as the fake identity of Henry Arnaud, to the point the final Gibson stories omit him all together and even point to Lamont Cranston as the “true” identity of The Shadow. Kent Allard was just a name he went by a few times, and nothing more.

The most popular version of the character by far, the radio show, didn’t even have that. We knew nothing about the radio Shadow’s backstory other than some of his travels in the past he’d mention on certain episodes and what the opening narration told you. He was our POV protagonist in those episodes far more so in the pulps, and yet, clearly they must have been doing something right, if audiences never once missed the fact that they knew next to nothing about who he used to be before.

The very reason The Shadow became a character in the first place was because of popularity. It was because listeners tuning in to Detective Story Hour found themselves faced with the sibilant, cruel, snake-like whispery taunts of a narrator who talked and acted like no one they had heard announce other radio shows, who was easily the most interesting part of the shows he announced, and whose voice and personality held them in such fascination, even when he was literally nothing but a voice and a personality, that they started demanding to hear more of him, asking for stories starring this dark prince of radio that lived so vividly in their brains, that they didn’t notice, or care, that such stories about him didn’t exist yet.

And when he was turned into a crimefighting character, his backstory was built in a way that allowed Gibson and any future writers to play around with and insert events and adventures as they saw fit. His adventures with the Tsar in Russia, his travels to India, Africa, Tibet, his war experiences, unrecorded adventures with allies and agents and villains of any kind, his post-war travels as Kent Allard, whatever happened in the years between his crash in the Yucatan and his arrival in America. Hell, if you want to have a period where he really loses it and does immoral things he isn’t proud of, there’s any number of periods you can insert mistakes and bad decisions that would define his actions years down the lane. It was a sandbox of any possibilities, grounded to a strong character who we could follow into any adventure because we’d be interested in learning more about him.

A good backstory helps, and The Shadow’s motivation was grounded to it, but it was never a necessary component to his popularity. It was never something that needed much focus beyond the sparse information. When handled poorly, a backstory only really threatens to taint that appeal, and that’s what happened.

The “hook” that got audiences to pay attention to The Shadow was his sinister personality and charismatic cruelty. That was what they came for. What got them to stay, and read the stories and form lifelong devotions to the character and his adventures, was discovering that this personality belonged to a character who was, utterly, on the side of good, who used his skills and powers of great villainy to protect innocents, to help and uplift people just like the readers and listeners. That dual nature was a big part of why The Shadow was so enduring and popular in his prime, part of what set him apart from all of his contemporaries and imitators.

It’s hardly much of a contrast, hardly much of a fascinating and layered character that we want to learn about or spend time with, if he was just always a horrible villain who is only marginally less horrible now, is it? A Shadow who used to be every bit the horrible villain he looks and acts like isn’t really that interesting, it’s just what you’d expect from him at first glance. What’s the point of caring about a man trying to regain his humanity, if we never get to see much of that humanity in the first place? What’s the point of even going into his past if we know all about it?

What’s the point of taking this backstory that was all about open possibilities for storytellers, all about covering the intricate life of a complex and strong character, to reduce it into a quick, punchy one-sentence summation that simply sets down a baseline for all future stories to repeat ad nauseum?

It’s not that I don’t think you can tell stories about The Shadow’s backstory, quite the opposite. It’s not that I don’t think the character having a strong “hook” for audiences is unneccessary (he already has). And it’s not that I don’t think he needs a motivation (he already has). But I have to ask:

What’s the point of shining a spotlight on a shadow, if not to eliminate it?

#the shadow #the shadow essays #pulp heroes #pulp fiction #pulp #lamont cranston #kent allard

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halothenthehorns · 3 years

Text

TLTNL- THE SORTING HAT’S NEW SONG

Sirius took the book even with that knot of unease still residing in him that he refused to acknowledge purely for his friends benefit. If they saw how much his own future problems were worrying him, then they'd be freaking out even more, Sirius never let anything bother him. Instead he started with absolute amusement. Harry was back at school, and even considering all the problems he'd had in previous years there, at least they got more fun out of that place than old Grimmauld could ever offer.

Harry did not want to tell the others that he and Luna were having the same hallucination,

"I think that's pushing bounds a bit, even by magic standards," Lily smirked. "I can't see any two people having the exact same hallucination."

"Gee thanks," Harry rolled his eyes at her.

if that's even what it was. Still he couldn't stop staring at the horses outlines as the carriage went along. Thankfully he was distracted by Ginny asking about that Grubbly-Plank woman being back, and if Hagrid had left?

"He would never," James said at once with absolute conviction.

Remus though, suddenly looked contemplative as he remembered back to the end of last year, and how Hagrid may have been planning a little trip...and then he quickly grew worried of how that could have turned out. He kept his silence though, seeing no point in worrying Harry further until he had proof. Missions like those could take time, longer than a few months, and Hagrid was even tougher than him.

Luna said airily she wouldn't care if he had, he wasn't a good teacher.

"Hey!" Harry, James, and Sirius all snapped at once.

The three glared at the other two, but while Remus looked chagrined and still didn't say anything, Lily shrugged without remorse. "I adore Hagrid and of course I don't want anything to happen to him, but you've all admitted he's not the best teacher. Without the knowledge we have of him with Harry, we'd probably be thinking the same thing."

"Not the point," Sirius muttered in annoyance as he turned back.

Harry, Ron, and Ginny all snapped back at once he was too!

Harry glared at Hermione, and she had to clear her throat before unconvincingly agreeing.

Remus at least gave a weak laugh for that.

Luna was unfazed by the outburst, saying the majority of her house found him a joke.

"Got to admire this girl," Sirius said grudgingly, "she speaks her mind, even when she clearly realizes she touched a nerve."

"She's like Hermione, except a spot more ah, with more of a um," James struggled to put into words how he was processing Luna, and then just let himself die off.

Ron snapped what a rubbish sense of humor that was, but Luna did not seem at all concerned with Ron's tone, but was now watching him avidly.

The others couldn't help agreeing now, Luna certainly had a way about her that even while speaking her mind which so annoyed them of Hermione lately, they couldn't stay mad at this girl as she clearly wasn't speaking for even hurtful intent. It was more of a free spirited comment.

They trundled in silence after that all the way up to the castle and were now climbing out of the carriages, Harry regretting the moment he glanced over and those horses blank white eyes were still there.

Harry still couldn't get these strange creatures out of his mind as he asked, "how come I couldn't see them at the beginning of last year, when I saw Frank Bryce die?"*

That stumped them for a moment, but Remus recovered first and worked out, "you didn't really process his death as more than a dream for a long time, even when Dumbledore confirmed those things you were seeing were real you still seemed to feel detached from them. Then you would have seen his ghost at the same time as-" he had to forcefully stop himself because Harry flinched and looked happy enough with this answer.

Harry had once before had the experience of seeing something that Ron could not, but that had been a reflection in a mirror, something much more insubstantial

"I still think you raise a very good point about Ron's, and most wizards reaction to these types of things though." Lily said with interest. "With the mirror you two just accepted you saw different things, why then does Ron think you're losing it for this same instance?"

"First of all, those little kids wouldn't question if Merlin had appeared they were so new to magic in general," Sirius smirked at her.

"But mostly, it's because we were taught magic has boundaries." James shrugged. "You can't bring people back from the dead, you shouldn't trust things you don't know the magical source of. The mirror was a clearly defined item that showed your deepest desires. This instance however, without any context, Harry is insisting something is as it shouldn't be. Even magic has rules, and magic shouldn't be able to explain that until it does."

Lily still looked interested enough in the idea she would have kept going, but Sirius just didn't care enough to sit around and hear the two go on about this so he kept reading loudly over them.

than a hundred very solid-looking beasts strong enough to pull a fleet of carriages. If Luna was to be believed, the beasts had always been there but invisible. Why, then, could Harry suddenly see them, and why could Ron not?

Sirius really wanted to get that pale tone out of Harry's skin, so he blurted out the first question that came to mind, "think Thestrals can see each other?"**

Harry at least looked interested in this topic as it didn't directly link to him anymore and watched eagerly as Remus considered it for a moment and theorized, "no, I wouldn't think so. Of course we've no real idea, but honestly they may be visible to each other. Of course, perhaps all animals can see them, and the magic concealing them from people other than those who have seen death just don't work on more simplistic creatures. There's an honest debate for both options."

"Thank you Padfoot, you have just given Moony a whole essay to go writing," James snorted in amusement.

Ron prompted Harry to get a move on instead of staring at nothing, and he trudged up to the castle and made his way into the Great Hall. Again he found that every person at every table he passed were pointing and whispering at him. Harry gritted his teeth and pretended he didn't notice.

"Exactly how well were you getting away with that?" Sirius smirked which Harry answered by blushing and muttering.

Luna departed towards the Ravenclaw table while Harry and his friends took seats near Parvati and Lavender. Both sprung apart the moment they saw their approach, and gave unconvincing hellos that didn't fool Harry for a second, they'd been talking about him as well.

"Well they're being as subtle as ever," Lily sniffed in annoyance.

Harry took no care of this as he glanced up at the staff table, still looking for his missing teacher, and was growing even more concerned he was still nowhere in sight.

Ron asked if he'd really left, but Hermione instead offered perhaps he was just hurt.

Harry said no at once, but then there was an uneasy pause as he leaned in and whispered for the two of them alone perhaps he wasn't back yet from the mission Dumbledore had sent him on.

"I'm surprised it took you so long to offer the idea," James said.

"Wanted to cover all our bases he wasn't at school," Harry sighed with disappointment.

"Wonder who's taking care of Fang, or do you think he came along?" Sirius quickly inserted.

They spent a giggling moment picturing all the teachers taking turns to care for Hagrid's dog in his absences, James getting the best laugh as he pictured tiny Professor Flitwick only just reaching Fang's head trying to fit a leash around the pooch.

Ron seemed reassured by the idea, but Hermione turned back to the high table biting at her lip, and noticed someone new.

"I'm guessing the new DADA teacher's already around," Sirius sighed as he gave his friend the stink eye for not being in attendance.

"I'm honestly surprised you haven't run into them yet," Lily rolled her eyes. "Have you lot realized Harry's met three and at least heard mention of every person before he got there."

"No, I hadn't," James blinked in surprise as all those circumstances sure seemed a lot to take in now that he was.

Harry looked back again, now taking every teacher in account, and aside from the normal staff, found the toad like woman.

They all sat there for a moment in confusion as they had no idea what to make of this woman's arrival. There just seemed no reason for it to exist, unless something like the Tournament was happening again, in which case Merlin help them all.

Sirius came out of it first with a hard shake as he demanded, "what, has Fudge got someone attending the school regularly now? I guess she's going to be inviting herself to the feasts and public school events to keep an eye on Dumbledore."

"And Dumbledore's to polite to turn her down," James agreed with his face squidged up in annoyance.

"This is a new low, just unprecedented, even for the Ministry." Remus shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe they're trying to poke their nose into Hogwarts like this."

"Trying and succeeding," Lily muttered with disdain as the idea of her job actively trying to get inside information on the school now boggled her mind. What exactly did this woman think she was going to accomplish by doing this? Where was the motive?

Harry still felt the worst of all, because he was getting a very bad feeling they weren't entirely right, but very close to the mark.

Harry said in surprise it was that Umbridge woman from his trial, she worked for Fudge.

Ron's first response was to sarcastically compliment that pink cardigan.

"Always love Ron noting the important things," Sirius smirked.

Hermione was frowning for a wholly other reason it seemed as she muttered no, surely not.

"Don't know what she's on," Lily said curiously.

"Don't know, but how come no one else new is there either," James brushed off onto more important things. "You should have a new DADA teacher around as well."

Harry opened his mouth to say something, felt a nasty jolt for the effort, and gave in with a shrug. Sirius saved him from having to respond anyways by saying, "maybe he or she just isn't there yet, Moody got there kind of late."

"Fake Moody, and look how well that turned out," Remus grimaced in annoyance.

Harry wasn't sure what she was talking about, but didn't ask as Grubbly-Plank arrived with the group of first years all lining up while McGonagall set up the Sorting Hat.

Sirius was suddenly brimming with excitement as he got the chance to sing the school song this time!

All talk around the hall faded as attention turned to the patched and frayed object, who opened a rip near the brim, and began to sing.

Sirius bounded to his feet and then flopped down on James' other side, squishing him right up next to his wife and leaving no one with any personal space as James eagerly leaned over anyways and the two began in perfect harmony;

Insert fifth year Sorting Hat song.

The two finished with a triumphant high five while the others were all snickering away at the performance, but Remus decided that had indeed earned them some applause which they each took a bow for. Then James promptly shoved Sirius off of him and stated, "if I wanted you sitting on my lap I'd have long since told you."

Sirius was still chuckling as he went back over to his seat, and then theatrically spread himself out so he was invading Harry's personal space this time. Harry's only response was to push his Godfather's elbow out of his face but otherwise ignored the proximity with comfort as he kept going.

The Hat became motionless once more; applause broke out, though it was punctured, for the first time in Harry's memory, with muttering and whispers.

"Ah," Lily nodded to herself as she guessed what that meant. "This would be the first time they've heard a warning in theirs like ours usually held."

"It's been weirder for us hearing these pleasant versions all about the different houses," Remus agreed to Harry's curious look.

James and Sirius only looked more mildly disappointed the hat's actual words was getting more attention than their performance. Sometimes they missed being in the halls and having all eyes focused on them.

Ron was clapping politely with a curious look on his face as he said how the Hat had branched out.

Harry agreed, thinking back on the two he'd heard about the different houses, not about all that advice and such.

Hermione wondered aloud if the Hat had ever done any such thing before.

"I miss childlike ignorance," Remus winced, all of them taking a moment and wishing Harry had asked the same, instead of simply looking resignedly around the room as he must have realized himself the Hat really hadn't been all pleasantries.

Nick agreed the Hat often felt honor-bound to warn the school when-

but was cut off by McGonagall giving a scorching look to the hall.

"It's good the first years learn that look now," James grinned.

"Didn't do you lot any good," Lily snorted.

Nearly Headless Nick placed a see-through finger to his lips and sat back as the muttering came to an abrupt end.

"Was he doing that for himself, or for you?" Sirius chuckled.

The sorting began, the first to come up Abercrombie, Euna who was placed into Gryffindor. The boy plodded off to his seat with pure embarrassment at all the applause, looking as if he'd rather sink through the floor and never be looked at again.

"Honestly, how they don't lead a chant in congratulations is beyond me," James rolled his eyes, though to be honest he was pleased no other first year besides himself had ever tried.

Finally that ended as well, and Dumbledore took to his feet. Harry felt himself relaxing in his seat at the familiar sight. After so many jarring starts to his school year, here was finally something familiar of his headmaster greeting the student body with a welcoming smile.

The smile that flickered across his face at the moment of seeing his Headmaster again during this day was jarred as he began muttering to himself almost unconsciously about how he wished that's where the surprises would end. They all hoped they were just understanding him wrong, that he could just go this year without something happening to him.

He gave an enthusiastic greeting to those within Hogwarts, and then the feast began. Ron began seizing food at once and hardly waiting for it to hit his plate before he began shoveling it into his mouth, while Hermione turned back to Nick and asked for more about those Hat warnings.

Nick turned away from Ron eating with indecent enthusiasm,

Sirius and James were getting a good laugh out of that mental image.

to explain that the Hat was known for giving warnings when it detected periods of danger, and the message was always the same, stand together, unite from within.

Ron haphazardly got the phrase out 'Ow kunnit nofe skusin danger ifzat?'

"Sirius, you can't try to read and laugh at the same time, you sound ridiculous," Lily rolled her eyes at him. "Besides, it's not that funny to watch people stuff their mouths like chipmunks."

"Ron was talking with his mouth full," Harry explained for him, an amused smile himself present at watching Sirius try to reenact that.

His mouth was so full of food it seemed a miracle he made any noise.

Nick asked politely for him to repeat himself while Hermione looked revolted. Ron had to struggle for a moment to swallow before he properly asked how the Hat could know anything about the school being in danger.

"I find it a sad note I understood that the first time," Remus sighed. "I clearly need to have stopped responding to them at some point when that kind of speech makes sense."

"We've no idea what you're talking about," James said saintly while Sirius didn't bother to deny it and kept reading while still half giggling.

Nick reminded the Hat spent the rest of its time in the Headmaster's office, surely it picked up a thing or two.

Harry scoffed if that was really all the advice it could offer, be friends with the Slytherins? He was glaring in particular at Malfoy as he said what a fat chance that was.

"You don't have to be friends with Malfoy to have Slytherin friends," Lily frowned reproachfully at him. "Have you ever even mentioned any others by name except him and his little group? Not all of them are the same you know."

"At the time I didn't," Harry defended, before relenting, "but no, I hardly looked past him when speaking about the house, and I am sorry for that now. I do wish I had taken more opportunity to get to know any others, but a time never came where it wasn't always Malfoy around, so," he finished with an imploring look that she understood, which she did and gave in the argument.

Nick proved that cooperation was always a key to victory. He and the Bloody Baron were good enough friends though from different houses.

Ron said that was just because Nick was too terrified to tell him otherwise.

"What would a ghost have to be terrified of?" Sirius scoffed at Ron's goofy comment.

"Basilisk," James muttered under his breath, but thankful Sirius hadn't lingered for a real answer.

Nick looked affronted as he stated he'd never had a cowardly moment in his life! The noble blood that ran through his veins-

Ron cut in to point out he hasn't got any blood.

Nick was growing so angry his partially severed head was trembling in place as he said back that it was a figure of speech! Surely he was still allowed to use those though food and drink were denied to him!

"Certainly no one's going to stop him," Remus couldn't help a little laugh at both parties entirely over inflating this. "Ron's just mouthing off and now Nick's throwing a ghost tantrum."

"I liked Nick better when he was showing off his severed head to first years," Harry chuckled.

Hermione corrected for Ron that he hadn't meant anything by it, while Ron's mouth was full of food again.

"I take that to mean he was simply eating again while Nick was telling him off," James snorted.

"Don't know why something like this would stop him," Sirius snickered.

He still tried to get out something about iddum eentup sechew, but Nick didn't seem to find this an adequate apology.

"Well what more could he want?" James raised a challenging brow, that smirk still in place.

"Actual words would be a nice start," Lily rolled her eyes at him.

He flew away with a huff down the table while Hermione huffed at him.

Ron demanded to know what he'd done, but she just snapped at him to forget it and the rest of the meal was a huffy silence between the two.

"If she was so offended on Nick's part, she should have said something while he was still around," Remus rolled his eyes.

"She has a tendency to do that a lot lately, speak her mind when the party isn't around," James huffed.

Harry was too used to their bickering to bother trying to reconcile them; he felt it was a better use of his time to eat his way steadily through his steak and kidney pie, then a large plateful of his favorite treacle tart.

Lily suddenly felt a smack deep in her heart as she realized she'd never even asked Harry's favorite food. She'd simply whipped something up like always as her boys usually ate anything, and Harry had as well without a trace of showing dislike. It was another of those small details though, one that she'd have just thought she'd know when her son reached those ages of declaring his favorite foods. She honestly wished sometimes she could put this book down and just sit around for ages, asking him of all his favorite likes and dislikes, but the problem was if they went too long into any conversation he started having a poke at his memories to understand something odd, and then he'd go hurting himself again. Even knowing the good this was doing, she still often wished she could be doing other things regarding her baby that was all grown up.

After the meal was done Dumbledore took to his feet again and began addressing them all, first by stating that all first years were to know, as well as some older students were to be reminded, that the Forbidden Forest was out of bounds. The trio exchanged a smirk for that.

"I don't know what you're smirking about, you've had some pretty horrifying experiences in there," Lily rolled her eyes.

"Just laughing to ourselves of what Dumbledore could mean," Harry batted his eyes innocently.

Filch, the caretaker, had also reminded for the four-hundred and sixty-second time,

"I honestly believe that he's kept count to," Remus nodded.

that magic was not permitted in the corridors, nor a number of objects, the list of which can be found on the man's office door.

"And there's always a high demand to keep that updated," James rolled his eyes.

"Especially considering how many horrid students go out of their way to keep adding to said list," Sirius tacked on with an affronted look at the idea he actually held for a few seconds.

He continued on to a few staffing changes, starting with Grubbly-Plank who would be taking Care of Magical Creatures.

Harry made a guttural noise of protest as he tried to fight the book away from Sirius, exclaiming, "he didn't say for how long! Surely it's not permanent!"

Sirius managed to win the fight and keep the book in his possession even as he gave Harry a sympathetic look while answering, "relax pup, I'm positive Hagrid's fine and Dumbledore's just trying not to draw attention to him being gone by not bringing up his name."

"It's impossible not to draw attention to him when he's not where he's supposed to be," Harry said back belligerently as he sat back with a huff. Sirius winced, wishing he had a better answer for him as he tried to move on.

He also introduced Professor Umbridge, the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Five jaws dropped in a stunning silence.

This was somehow even weirder than the idea of Moody teaching! That woman worked for the Ministry! So unless something had happened in a very short time from her getting fired as Senior Undersecretary, a highly unlikely scenario given her clear defense of them during Harry's trial, than that meant she was working there and at Hogwarts now! She was actually working at Hogwarts!

Harry felt a nasty tingling racing over the back of his right hand, his left moving to cover the faint white markings as he was truly derailed from Hagrid and left with a pit of worry for this news. Never before, not even Lockhart and Quirrell, had set off such a bad feeling in him as realizing he'd be spending a year in this woman's classroom.

Lily found her voice first, and it wasn't pretty as she said in a flat, icy tone, "just what is going on here? The Ministry at Hogwarts? Why on earth did Dumbledore hire this woman?"

"I'm drawing a blank," Remus winced, burrowing himself that much further into his seat as he imagined the scenario while he'd been at school, and how much worse his life could have been at the time. Considering all the things Harry got up to on a regular basis, this could be a new level of hell for the poor boy as well.

James and Sirius exchanged a truly uneasy look for this prospect as well, nothing was sitting right about this interference to their school, but Sirius forced himself to keep going no matter that feeling just to get a few more facts.

There was a round of polite but fairly unenthusiastic applause, during which Harry, Ron and Hermione exchanged slightly panicked looks; Dumbledore had not said for how long Grubbly-Plank would be teaching.

"That's the bit you caught on?" Lily wasn't that surprised, but was smiling at her son for his one track mind on his friend.

"How would I know it was so weird, sure the Ministry hadn't anything to do with Hogwarts before now," Harry shrugged, "but I was more concerned with my friend first."

Dumbledore switched topics to the house Quidditch team tryouts, but oddly stopped for a moment and glanced at Umbridge.

"What's she got to do with Quidditch trials?" James wrinkled his nose in disgust as he tried to wave Sirius onto this very important topic.

Harry felt a knot forming in his stomach at the idea for some reason he had no care to investigate.

It took a moment for everyone to realize Dumbledore had stopped and taken his seat, because the woman had stood to make her own.

Sirius looked like someone had taken his broom out from beneath him as he gazed down at that bit before glancing up in even more confusion. No one had ever cut Dumbledore off from one of his speeches. Just who did this woman think she was?

The headmaster clasped his hands politely in front of him and now gazed at her as if he desired nothing more than to hear this.

"Dumbledore's had some odd moments, but this tops them all." Remus was gazing blearily forward like he was trying to understand some foreign language as Sirius read this.

The rest of the staff weren't taking it so well, Sprout's eyebrows disappearing right into her flyaway hair, and McGonagall's mouth was as thin as Harry had ever seen it. Many of the students were smirking at each other, this woman obviously had no idea how things at Hogwarts went.

"I'll be happy to inform her," Sirius said in an entirely pleasant tone that covered nothing of the intent behind those words.

Her voice was a girlish as Harry remembered, and he could feel a powerful dislike rising inside of him more powerful than ever.

Harry was getting double the amount of those feelings on him now, the combination of her predisposition and his memories trying to warn him all culminating with a truly ugly look set in place that honestly gave the lot of them chills. What on earth does this woman do?!

She cleared her throat with a little hem, hem, and began how lovely it was to be here and see such happy little faces.

Remus raised an imperious brow at the start of this, demanding, "what are they, five?"

She just knew they were all going to be very good friends.

Most students exchanged looks at this barely concealing grins.

James and Sirius weren't even bothering to do as such.

Parvati whispered to Lavender she'd be her friend so long as she didn't have to borrow that cardigan.

Lily let out a giggle of her own.

She paused then, gave another little hem, hem, to clear her throat and then launched into a more monotone speech she'd clearly learned by heart all about The Ministry of Magics respect of the rare gift that was wizardry and the ancient unique skills those posses in the noble profession of teaching.

Sirius could already start to feel himself fidgeting with boredom. Yeah, teachers were great, could Harry leave now.

She paused to give a little bow to the staff, none of whom returned in kind. McGonagall now looked almost hawklike.

"That is a genuinely new expression, I'm jealous we never got to see," James said randomly as he pulled out his wand and began twirling it in his fingers with boredom.

She continued along noticing nothing that every headmaster and headmistress had brought something new along to add to the history of Hogwarts, which should always be encouraged for without progress there was stagnation. However, progress for progress's sake must be discouraged, for traditions require no tinkering. Balance then, for permanence and change...

Lily was starting to get a bad feeling for this as she watched Sirius critically, who was now trying to mime Binns and doing a fair job of it. She wasn't falling for it though, this woman's first day she'd already begun showing a level of disrespect for the Headmaster, now she was giving a whole speech on the structure of the school and how that could be...progressed. She still couldn't shake the thought that someone so directly involved in the Ministry was there, just what was going on?

Harry could already feel his attention slipping away, turning to people watch instead. Cho was leaning in to start chatting with one of her curly haired friends, Luna had pulled out her copy of The Quibbler and was looking through that again. Ernie was one of the few still watching, but his glassy eyes showed nothing was coming through. Surely it was only the Prefect badge gleaming on his chest that was giving him the persistence of faking.

James and Sirius weren't acting much better, both becoming fidgety and bored as Sirius' eyes were already trying to skip down to the bottom where this was done, none of them seemed to particularly care whatever was being said right now, she'd already lost their respect for the way she'd treated Harry at his trial. Remus was still listening, but passively, he couldn't work up much care for whatever this woman said and as of now it mostly sounded like some pompous bit to impress, and was managing to have the opposite effect. In fact it was rather dumb, to start speaking to them as if single digit children and then launch into such a scholarly speech.

Harry was the only one keeping such sharp attention and absorbing every word. At fifteen he may not have given any more of a care than any of his fellow students, but that intuition was back full force now telling him to keep an eye on this one and he wasn't going to be ignoring that.

Umbridge seemed not to notice she was losing her audience, as many students weren't even bothering to whisper as she droned on.

Remus couldn't help a little chuckle at that insert, already imagining what he and his friends could get away with in class if this was how she was going to be acting now.

Only Hermione and the staff continued diligently taking in every word, though a quick read of their faces showed it wasn't tasteful.

She concluded herself with the act of pruning what practices out to be prohibited.

By this point James was slumped over in his seat mock snoring and Sirius couldn't recollect a thing he'd just said in regards to her. They were all just glad it was over and were already hoping Harry would start skipping her classes right off the bat.

She took her seat and Dumbledore began applauding, but before anyone could realize the change and join in, the Headmaster took back to his feet.

James jerked upright, mock wiping drool from his lip and muttering, "sorry Professor, miss anything important?"

Sirius was just snickering that Dumbledore hadn't allowed any proper applause to happen as it shouldn't.

He thanked her for the illuminating speech, before going back on track...

Hermione wasn't listening as she said that had certainly been illuminating.

Ron asked that she'd enjoyed that? That was the most dull thing he'd ever heard in his life, and he'd grown up with Percy.

"That's saying something," Remus smirked.

Hermione corrected she'd said illuminating, not entertaining.

"Because that clarified everything," Lily snorted.

It certainly explained a few things.

Harry asked in surprise it did? That had sounded like a loaded waffle to him.

"And not even a tasty, good waffle," Sirius sighed tragically.

Hermione grimly told him there were very important things hidden in that waffle.

"Jelly filling?" Remus asked innocently.

Ron had no clue what she meant, and Hermione quoted parts of the speech back for them.

"Thought she was just spouting things about tradition and such," Remus scratched at his ear without concern. "What's Hermione getting so worked up over?"

"Hermione gets worked up over everything," James rolled his eyes.

"Usually with good reason," Harry half-heartedly defended.

Ron told her to explain herself already, and Hermione said through gritted teeth it meant the Ministry was interfering at Hogwarts.

That caught all of their attention. Sirius began fidgeting uneasily with the pages as he thought that over, looking up hopefully when Lily said, "I, but they, why?" Well that wasn't helpful.

"I, Fudge is out of his mind!" Remus yelped in concern.

"If that's even what's going on," James persisted in utter denial. "Hermione could be wrong, there could be another reason for her being there..." he trailed off and looked hopefully around for someone to offer up said suggestion, but they were all coming up blank as what Hermione said really was the only explanation for a Ministry employ also being a teacher!

Sirius forced himself to keep going with a now dry throat in thought for all the implications this could hold for his school. Just what was the Ministry playing at?

A surge of noise began around them, Dumbledore had clearly dismissed them.

"Hey, we never got to find out when the Quidditch tryouts are," James pouted.

Lily smacked him and muttered something about priorities.

Hermione had to remind Ron it was their job to escort the first years, and Ron hopped to attention by shouting for the midgets.

This was so unexpected everyone gave a surprised burst of laughter, happy Ron was always around for that at least, even if it didn't erase one spot of worry in them.

Hermione scolded him not to call them that, before saying in a clear and commanding voice for the first years to follow her.

"I can at least see why she was made Prefect, we always knew she'd take well to authority," James rolled his eyes.

Harry watched them shuffle towards his friends, and thought to himself there was no way he'd been that young looking when he'd first arrived.

"Actually I'm confident you did," Remus smirked, "since I can still all to easily picture James that same way still, just replace Sirius with Ron."

"Nah, cause those two were at the front trying to lead the way when they had no idea where they were going," Lily reminded indulgently, at least giving Harry a moment to laugh at the idea.

He grinned at Euan as he passed, but the boy squeaked in fright and looked horrified at Harry, who's grin slipped away just as fast.

"Merlin's pants, just what was that Prophet saying about you?" Sirius demanded tartly as the exact same thing happened to Harry in here.

"First years have always been intimidated by him," Lily tried without much hope. "Surely it can't all be because of those lies."

Harry chose not to respond, instead gazing at the fire and trying to count in his head how long this nightmare would last.

He quickly departed the Hall and after a few secret passages was making his way up on his own.

Harry felt the nasty chills creeping up his spine for being separated from his friends twice already since he was at the school in his first night. He was wishing he'd found Neville and gone along with him, or even dogged the twins up to their tower. He truly hated this feeling of isolation he could already sense pressing in on him from all sides.

Harry felt stupid now for not having seen this coming. He'd reappeared with Cedric dead at the end of last year, and then everyone had gone home to think him a liar.

They were all fidgeting with unease at the reemergence of this topic. Surely the students wouldn't really gawk at Harry for that though...and none of them could deny they honestly believed it.

Harry reached Gryffindor tower before he realized that he did not know the new password.

"That's a recurring thing for you," James managed a sarcastic laugh.

"Hermione's almost always the one who knows it," Harry muttered without looking at him.

The Fat Lady refused to allow him in because of this, when Neville swooped in to rescue him.

Harry did feel a grin reaper for that at least, thankful he did still have a friend to rely on even if it wasn't one of his best friends.

The others were just blinking in surprise of this change, vividly remembering Neville's previous occurrences with this problem and some of the trouble it had caused.

He jogged right up to Harry and declared it was Mimbulus Mimbletonia!

The Fat Lady claimed this as correct, and swung open for them.

"Naww," Lily cooed with delight at the bright smile she could all to easily picture on Alice's face being passed down to her son for this moment.

"I'll bet you McGonagall had something to do with that," Sirius chuckled.

"I can almost picture it," Remus agreed. "If Neville sent word along to Sprout he was bringing that plant, and Sprout mentioned it to McGonagall..." he trailed off with a soft laugh that they all joined in on for this small but adorable little moment.

Their common room was a comfy as remembered, circular and full of squashy armchairs and a bright fire place with two sets of stairs leading to the male and female dormitories. They passed Fred and George hanging up something on the noticeboard as they went upstairs.

The boys perked up with interest at that, anything the twins got up to they always wanted to know more about.

Inside their own were Dean and Seamus already hanging up their favorite sports teams posters.

"How come they don't just leave them up in between years, it's not as if we switch beds," Harry had never bothered to ask before.

"The house-elves would throw them out," Sirius sighed. "Whatever you don't take, you won't see again."

Their voices abruptly cut off as Harry entered, and he began to wonder if that was paranoia telling him they were talking about him as well.

"It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you," Remus muttered under his breath, all of them wincing in fear of Harry's dorm mates even treating him like this. Surely at least they must know Harry wasn't crazy, they spent too much time around him!

Dean greeted him cheerfully enough asking how his holiday had been.

It would have taken Harry all night to relate the event, so he just said not bad.

"Got attacked by dementors, nearly expelled, and discovered the secret group trying to stop Voldemort all while dealing with my emotional godfather," Sirius ticked off on his fingers. "I really don't see how much harder that is."

"Well that's all easy for you to say, considering you'd refuse to give any further details," James snickered as Harry at least tried for a smile in agreement. It wasn't working too well, he could already feel a fight coming, not something he was looking forward to in his dorm with someone he at least considered a passing friend with any of those boys.

When Harry returned the question, Dean said it had been better than Seamus'.

Seamus took his time in setting up his poster, not facing Harry as he answered his mam hadn't wanted him to come back.

Harry watched those around him wince, but he wasn't entirely sure he understood that sad look of familiarity on their face.

Thankfully his mum explained for him, "that was a common recurrence during our school days. Parents spent a lot of time going back and forth between thinking their families were safest at home together, and then putting them back in school for a time when things seemed to be going quiet so they could have an education, than flipping right back. Looks like that's starting again."

Harry frowned in sympathy at the idea, but for some reason he wasn't entirely sure that covered his own building problem with whom he was now sure involved Seamus.

Harry was startled at the news, while Seamus still didn't look up at him, instead now digging out his pajamas.

Harry twitched in concern for that, but felt like he was the only one noticing this little oddity on Seamus's part. The others were still looking on in sympathy for the plight.

Harry asked why, this was such a Dursley like reaction he found it hard to believe Seamus' witch mother could do this.

"That's not just a trait of there's, regrettably," Remus sneered. "Fear makes people do the most foolish things."

Harry still wished those things would stop involving him already.

Seamus completed dressed himself before answering in a stiff voice it was because of Harry.

That caught them off guard, but only for a moment until they realized that it wasn't fear of Voldemort's return on Mrs. Finnegan's part like they'd assumed. Instead it was much worse, and now everyone was as tense as Harry, ready for a fight to break out.

Harry snapped back what that could mean, and Seamus took his time answering it was him, and Dumbledore-

Harry cut off to take that to mean she believed Harry a liar and Dumbledore a fool?

Seamus finally looked at him as he said yes.

James could feel a biting comment on the tip of his tongue he was just begging to lash out with, no one got to talk to his son like that!

Harry did not respond farther as he turned to get himself ready for bed. He was entirely sick of being the person everyone stared at and talked about.

Lily could feel her lip trembling for several reasons, only one of which was anger now. What she wouldn't give for this not to be happening to her child, when he'd never asked for any of these things to happen to him. He'd never gone out of his way and brought any of these people down on him, yet he was constantly used by nearly every damn person in the wizarding world who'd never even bothered to meet him.

His thoughts savagely centered around if anyone had any idea what he went through, finishing with what a stupid woman Mrs. Finnigan was.

No one was currently thinking much kinder.

He made to get into bed, but Seamus asked what had really happened that night, with Cedric?

"Would it really help if I gave details!" Harry hissed furiously. "Do they all really want to know I looked in him in the eye as his body-" he shuddered and broke off, couldn't even continue in anger.

Sirius hesitated, wanting to offer some word of comfort to Harry, they all did, but this wasn't something you could shoot a whisky over and force yourself to keep going. That wasn't a Death Eater you'd seen fall that you could convince yourself was done for some tangible good reason. Harry had been forced to see a brutal murder done all to get to him, and now he was surrounded by children who wanted the gory details without considering what they were asking for.

Harry realized what he'd said aloud, why the others had gone silent and so quietly asked Sirius to keep going. Sirius didn't entirely want to, he still worried that Harry deserved something to be said to him, but he supposed he should give himself something to do until he could come up with that.

Seamus sounded nervous and eager at the same time. Dean, who had been bending over his trunk trying to retrieve a slipper, went oddly still and Harry knew he was listening hard.

Harry demanded what he was being asked for? Just read the Daily Prophet like his stupid mother, that would tell him everything!

Sirius felt a bark of laughter escape him, knowing he'd back Harry in a moment in saying much worse to any of these prats.

Seamus snapped right back not to drag his mother into this, which Harry returned not to call him a liar than! Seamus snarled not to talk to him like that!

"Yet he acts as if he can talk to Harry any way he wishes," Remus snarled.

"Just like Malfoy, can't take what they dish out," James sneered.

Harry said he'd talk to anyone any way he pleased calling him a liar! If it bothered him so much, take it up with McGonagall, stop his mummy worrying-

Seamus snarled for Potter to keep his mother out of this!

"Then he shouldn't have brought her into this," Sirius pointed out with an unfriendly smile.

Lily had a few things she'd like to say as well, but she was at least trying to restrain herself by running her hand through her hair. She knew the boys only saw themselves as backing Harry, but she at least liked to think she wasn't egging on the fight.

Ron came in then to see Harry itching to go for his wand, and Seamus' hands balled up for a fight.

"What a thing to walk in on," muttered Remus as he shook his head imagining Ron just walking into the middle of this and how off that must be.

Seamus turned at once to tell Harry was having a go at his mother. Ron tried to defend that wasn't possible, he wouldn't- but Harry shouted back he wouldn't be if she'd stop believing every stinking thing the Daily Prophet wrote!

Comprehension dawned across Ron's face as he gave an uneasy look between the two.

Sirius had his eyes narrowed dangerously, still smarting over Ron's treatment of Harry last year and how he'd claimed to not believe Harry about the start of that stupid tournament. Ron of course knew the truth of this situation, but he supposedly should have known better then, and had apparently spent that time hanging around Dean and Seamus. If Ron actually tried to play peacemaker instead of backing his friend, Sirius would have a few things to say about him next.

Seamus kept his focus on Harry as he said maybe he would go tell their head of house he didn't want to share a dorm with a madman.

Ron cut in that was out of line, his ears already starting to glow red.

No one else understood the almost relieved smile Sirius got there for a moment, but he didn't elaborate, now reading on with just a touch less venom now that Harry had backup.

Seamus snapped if Ron believed all that nonsense than he was mad too!

Ron jabbed his badge as she shouted back that he was a mad Prefect, so unless Seamus wanted detention, he'd watch his mouth!

For a moment Seamus was clearly thinking that whatever he had to say would be worth the detention,

James half wished he would say it, let Ron put that power to some good use right out of the gate. No one noticed Harry pale a couple extra shades at the mention of a detention, his right hand fidgeting up a storm.

but then he instead tore the hangings around his bed trying to get them out of the way so he could be out of sight.

Ron turned on the other two, demanding if anyone else's parents had a problem with Harry?

"I do love the way he phrases that," Remus couldn't help but snort. "Not them, but their parents."

"Most children do follow their parents beliefs. Not all of them," Lily amended when she saw Sirius roll his eyes in contempt, "but it's a fair question."

Dean put his hands up in surrender his parents were Muggles. They didn't know anything about anything because he wasn't stupid enough to tell them.

"That's so sad," Lily murmured, but with understanding. She'd rarely confided in her parents all of the gory details she often heard of from Voldemort's reign, but she couldn't bare leaving them completely ignorant either. Not exclusive commentary, some things she couldn't bare sharing about her world in fear it would make her parents fear her like Petunia did. She hadn't her sister to talk to, and after a certain point no friend either, she'd needed someone, and her mother had always been there for her even if she hadn't always understood Lily's tearful yet forced normal conversations.

Seamus snapped that wasn't like his mother, she could weasel anything out of anyone.

"He says that like it's a good thing," James had his head cocked to the side in agitation as he assessed that.

Dean's mum didn't get the chance to read the Prophet, the details about how the Wizengamot and the International of Confederation had sacked Dumbledore for losing his marbles-

Neville cut in to say his gran found that rubbish. She'd always said Voldemort would be back one day, so if Dumbledore said he was, than he was.

"You sure know how to cause a scene Harry," Sirius was full blown smiling at that. "Walk into a room, and suddenly you've got people declaring themselves to your side."

Harry tried to flatten his hair while he couldn't come up with anything to say but gratitude for Neville and his gran.

Seamus had nothing to respond to that with as he fixed his curtains and stormed into bed. Silence fell as Harry was left to his own mind, shaken by the fight. He'd always gotten on well with Seamus, how many more people would he come across who thought him lying, or unhinged?

They were all twitching uncomfortably as the fight broiled down and now Harry was left to his own mind again. This was a passing kid whom they had no real feelings towards other then as one of Harry's dorm mates, but he made a good point. Just how many people was this going to keep happening to? When would Sirius' prediction come true, and Voldemort would finally be revealed? Just how many people would Harry have to keep fighting with just to make himself heard, and how many would come groveling back after the fact to try and sucker back up to him. None of the answers to those questions left anything good in this future.

Had this been what Dumbledore had been fighting against all summer? Was he angry at Harry for getting him mixed up in this, and that's why Dumbledore had been ignoring him?

"He would never," Remus said at once. "Honestly Harry, he's never gotten into contact with you before this summer either. I agree circumstances had changed and you should have been told more, but Dumbledore isn't taking this out on you."

"Then why hasn't he bothered to even look at me, especially at the trial!" Harry persisted, this had clearly lingered with him.

"I'm sure there must be a reason," he tried to soothe, which didn't come across very effectively since he began fidgeting with unease he had no real answer.

Sirius looked between the two before shaking his head in defeat, hoping they got some answers soon, or Harry was going to drive himself crazy soon trying to find answers from himself rather than waiting on them.

Harry pummeled his pillow as he wondered just how many more attacks from people like Seamus he'd have to suffer through before the truth came out.

"Chapter's over," Sirius groaned in disgust as he hesitated giving the book to Harry. The poor boy already looked so agitated on his first day there, it felt like nothing had been going right for him for ages, and that deeply contemplative look he still had in place made it feel like nothing good was coming.

HPHPHPHP

*Thanks to aaquater for the question!

**Thank maana999 for the question!

#Harry Potter #fanfiction #reading the books #The Life that Never Lived #OotP #HP #Marauders #Jilly #James Potter #Remus Lupin #Sirius Black #Lily Potter

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shadowfae · 3 years

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1- Not much tbh, just what you've posted, and 2- To be honest I quite like your long answers. It can definitely wait though, you should get some sleep.

Is your warpriest link a constant thing? Does it ever fade into the background? I'm contemplating forming a second link, something happier than my copinglink, and I'm not sure how to tell when to tell when the line of a link vs a persona is crossed when not worn out of necessity.

And the original ask so I have it on hand. I did take a look at your original context, and if you're cool with it, I'll edit this post with a link for those who may find this is a useful answer and need that on hand. Otherwise, it'll stay a mystery.

But yes, it seems like my Sabe experiences would be a useful thing to talk about here. And in order to do that, I need to go over four things: who and what Sabe is, why he exists the way that he does, what that does for me, and lastly what I think he is in terms of terminology and why.

To start, here is his toyhou.se profile, if you want to read more about his actual story and thoughts and whatnot. But I doubt you'll have the necessary context for that, so let me go into it. RuneScape (RS) is one of the oldest MMORPGs in existence. WoW might be older but I doubt it. Basically it's a medieval magic fantasy that's very long running and you the player end up the World Guardian, aka the guy that stops the gods (who are very powerful folks who just don't die of natural causes and typically stand for some philosophy) from blowing the world up because Guthix, the dead god of balance, asked you to. Well, he voluntold you. And that makes you a major chess piece, Elder Gods get involved, it's a big mess.

But before all that happened, back in 2006 when I was introduced to the game and very shitty at it, well. I liked the lore insofar that I've always liked the lore, it was interesting and I liked thinking about it. I didn't have membership and I sucked at playing so I just read the wiki and the God Letters over and over and sometimes the Postbag from the Hedge. Alongside my two friends, we played at being children of the then-triad of main gods: Saradomin, Guthix, and Zamorak.

I liked Zamorak best, but I didn't think his ideas would be the best for society as a whole, so I ended up playing child of Guthix. Eventually we grew up and grew apart but every couple of years I'd go back to RuneScape, read the lore, settle on what choices I'd make if I could play, and think about being the player character. In 2010 I discovered a fic - dawn by khayr, it's on Ao3 and dA - about Iban, son of Zamorak, right around when I was reading Percy Jackson. Cue him showing up as a soulbond and an older brother figure and guiding me right up until the end of sixth grade. Iban got me through the ruthless bullying that would later set the stage for all my major suicidal-ideation and self-hatred for the entirety of high school: even then, I was more stable than I might've been otherwise, because he interfered.

Saradomin stands for strength through order. Procedures and law and diplomacy and war strategy. He was originally kind of a ripoff of the Christian god, but he's grown to be more of an order-over-peace character and is quite well-written. Guthix stands for strength through balance, and has been all over the board in terms of what he's done and will do. He's kind of a dick, actually, but his heart's in the right place.

Zamorak, as you've heard, is strength through chaos and personal strife. It's no "the strong over the weak" or "the strong take care of the weak", it's flat-out "everyone is strong, and just need the right circumstances to tap into it to be the best they can possibly be". Now, his philosophy is kind of more for warriors and scholars, but if you tilt your head, it applies to everyone. Chronically ill folks will find their chaos in fighting to get up every day and maintain a life. Folks in traumatizing, abusive situations find that chaos in their very survival. Scholars challenge themselves and their fellows and their predecessors trying to find the answers they so need. Nobody in lockstep, no such thing as "we've always done it this way."

A lot of human Zamorakians and Saradominist propaganda says that Zamorak is simply absolute evil: and to be fair, when most of that was written, he kinda was because he was based loosely on the Christian devil. Later writing says that they're typically mistaken on that. Zamorak isn't evil. The very first thing he did upon becoming a god was fulfill a promise and lead a slave rebeliion. (The Avernic uprising, if anyone's curious.) He stands for the downtrodden and says "You are never going to get your dignity by going through the motions and trying to peacefully show you're worth respect. Burn some shit down and prove that you won't stand for this bullshit."

Zamorak in a Saradominist's eyes is someone whose banner you wear when you want to be a crazy murderer. Zamorak in a Zamorakian's eyes is the singing voice who murmurs "Get up, this isn't enough to kill you, you can still do this," when transphobic laws get passed or you hear a slur thrown your way on the street.

And as someone who grew up queer and nonhuman, yeah, that resonates, and the older I get the more I think "Guthixian philosophy is best for a society at large, but Zamorakianism for individuals is good." Because Zamorakianism can't really apply on a theocratic level. It really doesn't. It turns into American bootstrap culture and no social services and all that shitty stuff.

The funny thing is that Zamorak himself has no issues helping out if he thinks you need it. (If he didn't, he wouldn't be cool with asking for help, or giving it when he's asked. Which he does do repeatedly so. The man has more kindness in him than people want to admit.) What I do find fascinating is what he thinks of the actions of some of his longtime subordinates, who clearly support him, but I don't think support his actual philosophy. Because if you ask me, he'd side with the downtrodden humans of Meiyerditch, not the vampire lords that treat them like cattle. He's proven that he likes humans, and doesn't see them as unworthy. I do wonder if Jagex will show us what he might do about that.

Either way. Ahem. Over the course of a decade and a half, I keep going back to RuneScape, refining my philosophy and side, thinking again what I would do playing the game proper. About... I want to say five years ago, Jagex opened up the Sixth Age and I finally noticed, and they rewrote every god's philosophy because they wanted every single one to be actually playable. Not just "hurr durr evil" but actually have a logical line of thought. They probably didn't have pop culture paganism in mind, but the gods of RS are incredibly well-suited to it.

Well, I found that out, and immediately went through every god's philosophy, and reasoned my way through it. What does a worshipper of this god look like? What sort of life would they lead? If i apply this to me, what does that look like from that perspective? Do I understand this? Is it comfortable to exist in?

And as it turns out, I understand Zamorak the most, followed a close second by Armadyl, which was quite surprising. Zaros remains incomprehensible and I don't trust like that. (That's another story.) So I thought about it more, and it stuck even when I wandered off to different fandoms and interests. But what happened was that I ended up internalizing it, unknowingly and without meaning to.

It meant that when, two years later, I ended up in a horrific and traumatizing situation, the anchor I hit that held me together was a mixture of being a Devil - I am a fucking God you will obey me and recognize my power - and Zamorak's core philosophy: this cannot kill me, this cannot stop me, this is pure fucking hell and I am going to laugh in the face of death because people are forged in hellfire and I will walk away knowing what I'm made of.

And I was right. Honestly, out of everyone who was there with me, I think I'm the only one that was that deeply entrenched and walked out without trauma. I do not believe I could have done that had I not internalized Zamorak's philosophy. (That isn't to say if the others had that philosophy they wouldn't be traumatized, because there were absolutely other factors I wouldn't know about and some that I do and didn't do them any favours; but I am saying that it saved my ass and without it, I might not have been okay.)

I walked out of that with zero regrets. Zero. Even now, I don't regret a thing. Because it doesn't matter what happened or how much I was lied to or if he deserved my kindness. I know what I perceived to be happening, and I know how I reacted, and when the pieces were down I was stronger than steel, gave kindness without considering the cost, and I walked away unscathed.

How many people can say they've looked death in the eye and laughed? More than there should be, not too many that knowing what I'm capable of when put into pure chaos isn't somehow impressive. Because it is. And Zamorak's words proved themselves, or rather, I proved him entirely correct.

And when I last went back to RuneScape, and thought about it with enough time to put it all into hindsight, well. Aw, shit, he was right. Then vaguely around that time I went back and read Dawn, which was unfinished, tracked down the author and demanded to know how it fucking ended. (She told me and we're still friends like three years later. xD) Then I went back and found my old OCs, and decided fuck it, I'm making my own World Guardian.

So first thing I did was log in and jump over to the Makeover Mage and make myself into a boy. Kept the plateskirt though, I wanted to have the RS equivalent of a limp wrist to prove I'm Very Queer. Then I went about remaking my character. I wanted to make a self-insert, I was old enough to know it wasn't cringey, it was just fun, but I didn't want to use my default avatar with the black hair over one eye and the Chaorruption. I wanted to make a new self-insert based in nothing I was already using.

So I made the most beautiful man I could! Long, dark brown hair, pretty semi-dark skin, looked Kharidian, and then I said fuck it and made him Zamorak's youngest son. Originally, he was adopted when he was young by Iban and Clivet, and suffered serious imposter syndrome when being WG meant he'd never get demigod powers. But as I grew more confident in myself, he ended up getting powers? And then eventually I rewrote his backstory, and then wrote about his mother, and her relationship with Zamorak, and then he had friends like Blaire and Icthlarin (who was also my furry awakening, rip me).

Then with the most recently questline I've been getting a bit more into RS magical theory, and I've been mulling it over lots, and Seanan McGuire's Middlegame definitely helped; and I figured out how I wanted him to handle being World Guardian: it didn't make sense for him to be openly Zamorak's son, the other gods would just target his family to manipulate him. So I had him play neutral openly and Zamorakian to his friends, effectively living a double life.

Then he just looked up one day and said "Oh, by the way, my father won't acknowledge me to keep me safe but I don't know that so we have a very unsteady relationship because I don't know if he loves me", and then Children of Mah came out, and he was all "Oh and I think I just got disowned (I didn't, Zamorak was protecting me, but I don't know that) so my relationship with Zamorak is Fucking Shitty" and he was stuck that way until I figured out how to save their relationship.

It culminated in Sabe not knowing how his Mahjarrat powers worked and guessing, and hating himself for being half-and-half, and missing everything about being a Mahjarrat, and literally you couldn't have gotten more obvious in order to tell me I was having Fucking Issues coming to terms with the fact I didn't have any understanding or knowledge of my own heritage, but whatever, eventually I noticed that.

And as I've been working to understand myself and my heritage, so too has Sabe been doing that with his Mahjarrat heritage. But for the longest time, no matter how I put him and Zamorak in the same room in a scene to try and get them to talk it out, it wasn't working. Something wasn't right. Sabe resented being World Guardian, hated having to betray his family, didn't know if he was wanted, and hated himself for having to kill Mah, the mother of his species.

Not that long ago, a few months actually, he informed me (which is my shorthand for 'I suddenly figured out this happened, and it genuinely feels like remembering that one fucking word you have on the tip of your tongue, I always knew and just forgot for a while') that no, he'd been ripped in two by a hope devourer, brought to his father's stronghold, and Zamorak split his magic between mortal and divine in order to get around his godproofing and heal him. Zamorak's intense worry for his youngest son was what caused Sabe to break down and tell him honestly what was going on and how he was feeling, which caused Zamorak to do the same, and they finally, finally made up.

A week later, I noticed the connection between Sabe's Mahjarrat issues and my Irish issues, and started to wonder if he was a linktype.

I mean... he's a self-insert. He makes the choices I would, the me in the here and now, that I think are best. He's not a person I was and still know myself to be, he's not someone I grow into, he's not living his life beside me like a shadow. He's me, choosing the things I do, because I say so. But he's also me in the things he reflects, the things he struggles with, and things I had zero fucking conscious input on.

Sabe is the person I am when a crisis hits and I have to deal with the chaos. Sabe is the person I am when I need to lead. Sabe is the person I am when I am desperate to be known and loved by those I consider family. Sabe is the person I am when I want to be sure in where I came from, where I will return to, and the things that I will always be. Sabe is a man of darkness who knows the light as an acquaintance and nothing more, who is cruel and careless and kind.

Sabe is a warpriest of Zamorakian philosophy, because it took me twenty fucking years to put into words how I see the world, and now that I know, I will argue them to death and use them to help others. Drakath may have wanted a messiah to share the hivemind with others. Sabe is a warpriest, spreading the word and calling home the broken and the damned. He is the Last Rider, not the last of the Ilujanka but the one who keeps riding towards the chaos and never falls, no matter what.

Some of who Sabe is I have conscious input on. A whole lot of him was unintentional and perfectly reflects me.

So when it comes to terminology... I don't know what he is. A self-insert, yes. A linktype, maybe. A kintype, also maybe. Sabe doesn't feel like my past linktypes, because Sabe isn't always catharsis and comfort. Until he made up with his dad, Sabe was brutal and hurt a lot and constantly yearning for his foundation and slowly going mad. It wasn't fun. I just refused to do anything but see the story through. I was going to get it right. I wanted to see it to the end. I wanted to be the Last Rider, even though I didn't phrase it that way.

But to answer your actual question, of what he feels like when I'm not actively being him out of necessity, desire, and active thought. If it fades into the background.

And like... it can? Sabe as he is, recognized for what and who he is, is kind of a new thing. Sabe as a concept is very old, but Sabe as what he is right now is new, and confusing, and honestly I'm still trying to figure out what to make of it.

Like, seriously. Sabe is Zamorak's son. Am I Zamorak's son? Is he keeping an eye on me as I am? Would he be proud of me? Would he offer his approval of my progress? Does that make me, in some way, the World Guardian?

I have not a clue, buddy. Not a goddamn clue.

So what it means is that I've been paying attention, really. I don't just become strong in times of crisis. I've been trying to do better. Be better. Learn, and listen, and rethink myself. Break out of lockstep, of doing things the way I've always done them. Try to always do better than I did, build habits I like, stop waiting for things to change and just do it. Become the chaos, instead of waiting for it to hit me.

It means I need to live up to what Guthix told Sabe to do. It means being gentler, being kinder, not burning bridges when I'm not sure. It means keeping an eye out for any sign Zamorak's listening, in case I am his son, in case I really have to decide what I'm gonna do about being the son of chaos incarnate.

But other than the questioning, what it feels like is just... what I was already dealing with, just a little more at arm's length and easier to deal with. Once I recognize that his issues are reflective of mine, if I solve his, I have a pretty good idea of how to solve mine. Some of it won't work exactly right - Zamorak will always forgive him for not being the son he expected he might have had, my own parents may not, yay I'm queer and pagan - but it's a good rule of thumb.

It's also just comforting to know that when in doubt, nothing can kill me, because I simply refuse to die. I am World Guardian, I am a demigod of chaos incarnate, all the hellfire in the world can do nothing but strengthen me. And if I present those to myself as unshakeable beliefs, because for Sabe they are, then I'll be okay. It probably couldn't stop most disasters or tragedies, but I got hit by a car, broke five bones, and walked away with a record recovery time, so I mean... I can't prove that I can't die by some accident or tragedy, but you also can't prove that I can. (Trying to do so usually falls under what we call 'murder', and I personally believe I can't be murdered. Only assassinated.)

But really, I think the worst that could possibly happen with a new linktype is that you learn what not to do. It's new, it's scary, it's chaotic, and from where I'm standing, that's the best way to learn.

#asks #anonymous #on copinglinking #on voluntary identities #on questioning #my experiences #here have me yelling about runescape and complaining about questioning #You Asked For This #essays of the skyrose garden #actually yeah this is an essay

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winterironspiderling · 4 years

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Sorry if you’ve answered something like this before but, do you have any tips of writing slow burn, and just writing in general? Lol thank you and love your work!

No worries! I’m always down to talk about writing. Thank you for your kind words. :)

To write a slow burn, you will want to start with the main pairing as strangers, acquaintances, or even enemies. You could also start them as friends, but if you begin with the two having a close relationship already, it would be hard to draw that out because friends to lovers basically only adds kissing and physical intimacy, but if you start from the very beginning/first meeting you have more time to develop the relationship, which will take more words, and make the burn slower.

No matter what level of relationship you start the pairing at, there has to be a reason why they can’t be together yet because if you start with no obstacle, it will be hard to justify why they aren’t together. Obstacles could be the characters are in other relationships, one or both might have just gotten out of a bad/abusive relationship, they’re in a bad place mentally/physically, and distance or other characters are keeping them apart. This also gives you something to overcome not just in the relationship, but for the individual characters and their journey, and it adds depth to the plot. And the richer the plot, the more you can draw it out and slow down the burn!

To make the slow burn enjoyable instead of annoying or frustrating, try not to make overcoming the relationship obstacles or individual challenges “too easy” for the characters. They should have near misses and setbacks, or it won’t feel satisfying or intriguing when they finally get together, or oppositely, if it’s too hard and drawn out, and there’s one shitty event after the other, it will feel like okay!!! enough already!!! So try to space out good and bad events and keep it balanced. :)

Know when to time skip and when to accept that you just need to write an entire scene. Time skipping can rush character development and make the ending feel unearned, but writing every detail of the characters’ lives can get boring to read. When you need some exposition or world building and not just fun plot or explicit scenes try to use the seemingly mundane interactions to your advantage to further the plot, introduce characters, build character(s), build relationships, foreshadow, or make fun references to canon.

For an example of all of the above points, in my story Disorder, Tony and Peter have their first meeting, and what’s holding them back from being together is Peter’s age and his poor mental health and self-image. He has a lot of good moments and bad moments, and doesn’t just lose weight and gain confidence over night. I take Tony and Peter throughout a working relationship, then a friendship, and then the buildup of an intimate relationship, and when I’m not outlining every personal training session between the two, I’m building their relationships and friendships with other people and giving both of them a chance to interact in other spaces besides the gym. So Peter will be at school with Ned and MJ showing his sense of humour, interacting with Flash, and maybe mentioning the upcoming Decathlon ten chapters later, so that when I bring it up later, it doesn’t come out of nowhere. Then I might skip a week to the next lesson with Tony because if you’re reading a Starker story, obviously you want most of the interactions to be Tony/Peter. :)

Adding in more people than the main pairing makes for a well-rounded story because other characters exist and help make the main pairing who they are. (For Peter, I like Ned, MJ, May, Flash, and Mr. Delmar, and for Tony, I like Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, Jarvis, and Nebula. Bucky is just a necessity for every story, also. ;) ) Making the side characters funny or interesting, or inserting running jokes about them will make the parts with those people more enjoyable to read, even if the pairing isn’t featured.

Short chapter length or transitional chapters are necessary, but can be tedious because you don’t want to have an info dump, but you don’t want to go through the pain of writing an entire interaction and scene just for the sake of increasing word count, so accepting that not every chapter is going to be the Best Chapter is important. If you need to get information across about the backstory, or exposition, you can have it expressed through dialogue, or do a little bit of info dumping at a time and try to weave it into other things, so it’s not huge chunks of info that can be boring or confusing.

Add a little bit of your own personality to the writing too. I’m not really a poetic writer, and I prefer to write snappy dialogue and let character dynamics do the work, but some people can talk about the flowering trees and the winding roads of the countryside. I don’t know anything about that lol, so when I try to write it, I feel silly and then the scene suffers because I’m not saying anything I actually care about. So write the style that feels most natural to you and it won’t be boring because you’ll be able to feel your energy in the story, and writers are what bring a lot of the emotion to the fan fiction. Every reader likes something different, so write for your own tastes and the people who like your style will stick around.

There’s a time and place for surprises or complications, but the type that you put into the story should be consistent with the expectations you and the readers have—whether you’ve stated these by your tags or the plot summary. Example, a coffee shop AU doesn’t turn into a sex worker AU, or soft, domestic Tony doesn’t turn into a dark stalker. Those are valid occurrences, but they’re so different that it’s not a fun twist for readers…it’s legitimately not what they signed up for. A surprise in Disorder that works is when you find out Tony’s own personal struggles during his POV with Rhodey. It adds depth to his character and another layer to his dynamic with Peter, but it isn’t shocking or contrary to what I’ve already written.

For most of Disorder, Tony and Peter each don’t think the other would be interested, or if they were, “not right now” or “not because of the age difference” etc... and I kept having them almost connect/admit it, but then I’d hold back. Knowing when and how I wanted them to get together from the very beginning helped with the slow burn as well because I had to think of how to get them from point A to B. I knew I wanted Peter to be at good place mentally, but not perfect, and I wanted May to be more accepting of the relationship, so it became a game of filling in the blanks instead of just starting a story with no end in sight, and then it feels difficult to give it direction.

Creating outlines and templates for a story helps me. Like a table that outlines which characters are featured in a chapter, and any major plot points, and just general info.This way when you go to write future chapters or edit, you don’t have to reread everything, and when it’s all laid out in front of you, it can be easier to be like, “Oh, this just happened in Chapter 1, so I don’t want another crazy event to happen in Chapter 5 because I want the energy of the story to be evenly spaced.”

Edit not just for grammar but for subtle mistakes like repeating a lot of the same phrases and words. I tend to overuse “just” and start a lot of sentences with, “well”, so I have to be careful of that. Also for continuity like if Peter is sitting down in one paragraph, and then you say he sat down in the next paragraph even though he’s already sitting...

Decide how you want your story to be regarding realism, whether it’s in the context of an AU or a canon-compliant story. Maybe you don’t care about being realistic to our universe, and maybe you want to write something completely off the wall. There should be some sort of structure and consistency with the characters so that the reader feels stable and like they can trust where you’re going. Even if you want to write a master/slave AU where Tony keeps Peter on a leash, or something like a body swap, there’s still things that you can do to keep it realistic in the context of that story. Like if Tony was portrayed as a very loyal and possessive master, he’s not going to be sharing Peter with someone later in the story, unless you’ve decided that him getting over that is necessary to the plot, and sufficient character building shows him slowly becoming more open. Or in a body swap, if Peter and Tony switch, they’re not going to immediately go and put each other at risk or use their bodies to betray one another.

So I don’t know what you’re writing, but no matter what, try creating mystery by leaving things unsaid/undiscovered, or raising questions within the plot for readers to find out later. You don’t have to give up everything right away! (I know it’s hard not to spill the beans, but it lets people figure things out on their own or wonder if you’ll mention it again.) (Make sure you remember if you’re doing this so you don’t accidentally create a plot hole.) An example of this in Disorder is raising the topic of will Peter go to college, or not. Eventually he decides. Another is why Tony doesn’t like to give cards in his gifts, and then eventually he gives one to Peter, and it makes it really special. <3

I hope this helps!

#ask #writing advice #disorder

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mercyburned-aa · 3 years

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For the Meta! // @whenthevoidcalls

Clare - What is it that she finds so fulfilling about being a Warden/Warden-Commander? And what about as Queen? Does she really enjoy it or is it something she felt like she had a responsibility to do?

thank you for caring about my girls :sob:

for clare -- what i try to keep in mind is that a cousland warden was probably better prepared beforehand for being in charge of things than any other origin save a dwarf noble. clare’s parents were very literally going to leave the teyrnir in her hands for an undetermined amount of time, while bryce / fergus went off to war and eleanor had intended to go stay with lady landra. she’d probably been learning how to lead and studying her father for most of her life at that point. it was even stated in canon that she was more likely to succeed the teyrnir than her older brother. leadership is familiar and natural to clare although she’s not as patient as bryce. and some of that is age. she’s young and still very fiery and has a lot to say ; he’s an old soldier and has had a lot more time to reflect.

and preface before i go further ! i do not automatically subscribe to queen cousland because of how it happens in canon. the only real interest i have in that setting is seeing how clare can use that power and influence to bring about positive change for the people of ferelden both at home and abroad. ( also, it’s eamon’s idea in my world and not hers, because clare would never force that. ) that said though, i think she has a very similar level of power and influence as warden-commander, plus she and anora could make an interesting / powerful lady duo. my default is that she’s warden-commander and anora is on the throne. if she does marry king alistair, it’s because she’s in love with him, not because she wants power.

as for what she finds fulfilling -- during the blight itself, she does feel a strong sense of obligation and it’s more of a duty. a duty to duncan, whom she admired greatly despite not knowing him long. an obligation to her parents, in that small moment when she realized that they were going to die, she was going to live, and there was nothing she could do about it. to fulfill their last words, “become a grey warden and do what’s right.” “our daughter will live and make her mark on the world.” it’s pretty much all obligation / duty during the blight itself.

afterwards as commander is when she starts to find things about it that she actually enjoys. clare is much better suited to leadership than she would have thought, even with all her preparation growing up. she finds that although it’s challenging and sometimes overwhelming, it’s rewarding to see her wardens grow both as people and as a group, and also in their confidence and strength. becoming a grey warden saved clare’s life, literally and figuratively, because it was a single purpose she could focus on while everything else around her very literally fell apart and crumbled in the wake of howe’s betrayal.

she finds it rewarding to help anders, because now she knows what actually happens at the circle. she saw the person-sized cages. she saw the dungeons in the basement. she saw the templars just sit around twiddling their thumbs instead of going in to save people who were still very much saveable. she finds it rewarding to work alongside people like sigrun, whom she adores ; justice, who fascinates her and yet she feels responsible for him ; oghren, her old friend, whom she can encourage to be part of his child’s life, because she makes the rules now and she doesn’t believe you can’t both be a warden and have a family ; velanna, who even though they rub each other the wrong way at first, they can find common ground as powerful and outspoken women ; and even nathaniel, her childhood friend, and how the visceral anger turns into a friendship that ends the feud and rivalry between their families.

clare loves her country. in a modern context this word has a somewhat negative connotation but she’s patriotic, she loves ferelden and being fereldan. she believes in what her country and her people can do. being warden-commander gives her legitimacy, but moreso does being the hero of ferelden, the champion of redcliffe, the arlessa of amaranthine and, even if only briefly, teyrna of gwaren. with these titles and the power / influence that comes with them, she wants to rebuild the country. fix roads. get the farms in the bannorn and places like lothering back up and running, if possible. she wants to keep a strong working / political relationship with bhelen in orzammar and just....help. she wants to get her hands on the phylacteries of mages who became wardens so that the templars can’t find them the way they kept hunting down anders.

she wants to reform the wardens and let her wardens have people to come home to. she wants to find a cure for the calling because she doesn’t want to die alone in the deep roads, and she doesn’t want it to happen to her “kids” either. and they’re her flock, really. even though most of them are older than her. clare takes so much pride in being commander for these amazing people and in making vigils keep her own.

back in highever, she was just kind of fucking around and didn’t really have any goals or ambitions. her parents weren’t that old and so she knew it would still be a while before she had to worry about whether it would be herself or fergus who would get highever. it’s true that she didn’t have much of a choice in joining the wardens, but rather than sit and bitch and moan about how unfair it is and how terrible it is, uwu woe is me i am so SAD !!!! duncan is so MEAN !!!! WOE !!! my life is so TERRIBLE !!!, she chose to see the good she can do with what opportunities were available to her and focus on that instead. the circumstances that lead to her becoming commander showed clare that she’s much stronger and much more capable and clever than she was giving herself credit for, before it all began. i think what she really wanted was to matter to the world somehow and being a warden helped her achieve that.

she puts a lot of time and effort into finding a cure and eventually she does by teaming up with avernus and insert some other headcanons here that would make this post five times as long, lmao. the wardens gave her the chance to reclaim her purpose and her identity, to avenge her family, to make a difference in people’s lives, and to serve her country. she could never think of it as anything but saving her life ... even if she’d still give just about anything to have her parents back.

#&. ‛ i will avenge my ghosts with every breath i take.︐ › clare cousland.#this got hella long but i could talk about my girl ALL FRIGGIN DAY #she finds purpose and meaning in service to others and i love that about her

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your-brilliant-lady-m · 3 years

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South Korean music industry at a glance: an outsider perspective

I watched one particular AMV last week. The song used for the video was “I’m afraid” by Korean rock band DAY6. I was pleasantly surprised as someone who values lyrics in song first and foremost. The music itself was great. I’ll listen to their songs again. It’s a nice fit for my music taste. Naturally, YouTube’s algorithm decided that I’m a fan of everything Korean after 1 video and started spamming my recommendations with k-pop songs, documentaries and everything in-between.

I watched a couple of videos, listened to some songs and discovered fascinating patterns. So, I went down to the comment section. And it was rather interesting experience, should I say? The concept of entertainment industry in South Korea simply begged to be explored more after this. I dug deeper and visited Tumblr k-pop tags and briefly glanced upon Instagram and Twitter. And, oh...

I am a big picture person and I enjoy both studying and creating systems. This one was particularly fun to explore. I discovered a lot of new things for myself. Perhaps, you can discover something new for yourself too or take a step back and look at this from a new angle.

Disclaimer: it’s impossible not to offend someone on Tumblr, so keep that in mind. That being said, I do NOT intend to insult of offend anyone. It’s just a little research done for fun, because I love research with a purpose. This post is NOT A HATE post. No hate intended for fans, artists or other people involved. It’s meant to be a discussion, nothing more and nothing less. If it sounds like hate, it’s just my sarcastic sense of humour.

Content Warning: I mention suicide, death, depression, rape in a couple of sentences. There’s nothing major or graphic, but it’s there.

In this long post I decided to share with you my opinion, a so-called outsider perspective, on the world of music entertainment industry in South Korea and people involved in it on different levels. I use the word “outsider” mainly because, that’s exactly what I am in this case, as someone who is in no way involved in k-pop community. I can’t name you a single band or their members. I don’t know any solo artist and can’t neither sing nor name you any song.

And to be completely honest, I don’t think I will set my foot into k-pop fan-circles ever again after everything I saw.

Think of this as “In this essay I will...” meme, except there’s an actual essay.

As far as I know, in South Korea “k-pop” refers to all music produced in SK, including solo artists, various bands, singers-songwriters. It doesn’t even have to be pop music. Koreans include in this definition all genres of music. However, around the world “k-pop” means primarily music made by idol groups and bands marketed for children, teenagers and younger people. In this post I use the latter definition, because that’s how most people understand “k-pop” in other countries. Therefore, my statements, opinions and conclusions here would concern only idol music.

The music industry in South Korea is heavily influenced by culture and traditions of the country, just like all things are. And there’s nothing wrong with that. After all, different backgrounds are what makes people so interesting and unique. However, when combined with consumer mindset, desire to generate profit at any cost and fast-paced nature of modern life these neutral cultural elements could produce something concerning, and it can lead to disastrous consequences.

1. Idol

These people are called artists, musicians, singers, bands, groups, performers. In South Korea and in Japan, however, people call them Idols or Stars. I’ve also seen Muses, Princes and Queens. Interesting, isn’t it? The terminology used to describe these musicians in South Korea is one of the key elements in this whole entertainment system. You’ll see why.

But who or what is an idol exactly? Let’s take a basic definition from Wikipedia.

“In the practice of religion, a cult image or devotional image is a human-made object that is venerated or worshipped for the deity, person, spirit or daemon ... that it embodies or represents. In several traditions, including the ancient religions of Egypt, Greece and Rome, and modern Hinduism, cult images in a temple may undergo a daily routine of being washed, dressed, and having food left for them. Processions outside the temple on special feast days are often a feature. Religious images cover a wider range of all types of images made with a religious purpose, subject, or connection. In many contexts "cult image" specifically means the most important image in a temple, kept in an inner space, as opposed to what may be many other images decorating the temple.

The term idol is often synonymous with worship cult image. In cultures where idolatry is not viewed negatively, the word idol is not generally seen as pejorative, such as in Indian English.”

Cambridge Dictionary defines idol as follows:

And here’s the definition from Oxford Dictionary:

This is a centrepiece of this tapestry. Surely, you have noticed by now what these definitions have in common.

Idol = a cult image of a god, a deity

By calling these musicians “idols” industry makes society and audience treat them in certain way, namely as gods. What characteristics do gods possess? They are beautiful, talented, funny, confident and graceful, blessed by eternal youth of immortality. Gods have no flaws, they do not bleed, they are above human concerns. They are an embodiment of perfection. They are stars, you could not reach.

But real people are not like that. They can be sad and angry, insecure. People don’t have perfectly symmetrical faces. They can’t dance in sync without preparation. They can’t sing like angels at any given moment throughout the day.

What happens when idols accidentally reveal their humanity? What happens when people see, that they make mistakes and do stupid things, that they need to train hard to appear graceful on stage?

I will tell you. And it’s not pretty. But, first, let’s look at other elements of this system.

2. Y/N and Self-insert fantasy

Aside from the music, K-pop sells the self-insert fantasy to the audience. It’s carefully arranged to appear real, where the cracks are masked and every word is scripted. The reality is so vivid that one doesn’t even have to use imagination all that much, because all scenarios and decorations already exist. Countless interviews for TV and magazines, fan meetings, talk shows, reality shows made sure people are privy to all juicy details of personal lives and opinions of musicians. And also one word - merchandise. Some of that merch made me question my life choices. Some of it is, ah, creepy or has weird vibes. All of this provides plenty of material for people to work with. Fans can effortlessly imagine themselves beside their idols or even in their place.

In a highly competitive society, where people throw themselves into studying and work since young age, forming deep and lasting connections with others is very hard, sometimes impossible. As a result, people long to have a group of close friends with similar interests, a loving partner who would cherish them endlessly. People want to be rewarded for their backbreaking efforts to succeed by the carefree life of fame and music, everlasting friendships and love. And in a way you can’t really blame them for his.

Does this dream life sound familiar? We are looking at K-pop bands here. It doesn’t really matter if their members don’t always get along or that they can live in debt, that fame is fickle and adoring fans can tear your self-confidence to shreds. Audience wants the glamour of fantasy and the industry is more than happy to cater to these desires.

Perhaps, knowing that even for idols this fantasy is sometimes unattainable makes the whole set up feel just a little cruel.

3. Fans, stans and fandom culture

We’ve already established earlier that idols are gods in the eyes of people and listed traits they must possess. So, what else do gods need to exist? Worshippers. Because a cult is worth nothing without its followers. Gods need a group of people to worship them and spread their beliefs. The role of worshippers is performed by a fans in this case.

Apparently, there is a running joke that girl groups need to win a general public popularity and boy bands need a big passionate fandom. It seems to be true according to my observations.

In k-pop fandom people use the word “stan” to state that they like or support particular group. Now, I am sure everyone here knows that in other fandoms, dedicated to movies, shows, books and games there’s an important distinction between being a “fan” and a “stan”. What is it?

A fan is someone who likes a ship or character, creates and/or consumes fandom content, supports certain ideas, discusses things they enjoyed and disliked, criticises canon. Stans, however, are a different breed. They engage in all typical fandom activities, but their support and enjoyment becomes obsession. Stans believe their favourite characters and ships are immune to criticism, that they are superior no matter what others say. Stans start shipping wars, send anon hate, death threats over fictional characters and hurt real people. Stans are considered toxic fans. And majority of normal civilised people don’t like them and try their best to let stans hang out in their echo chamber by themselves.

In other fandoms and communities, to be a fan means to love, support and enjoy something, while to stan means to obsess over and hyperfixate on these same things. Words “I stan” rarely mean “I support” for most people, and if they do mean that, it’s only used in a joking manner (”We stan procrastination legend!”, “I stan our miscommunication kings”).

Everywhere else “stan” has only negative connotations, except in k-pop. But what has changed? What’s the difference? Why do international fans scoff at “shipper stans” and then turn around calling themselves “stans of X k-pop group” at the same time? Does it make you wonder?

And this is another core theme of k-pop, in my opinion. In fandom where stan = obsession = support, you can see interesting patterns.

Fandom loves their flawless gods. But watching them from afar is not enough for some people, because unlike deities in different religions, these gods live among us. People are very much aware of that. Industry has created a cult and laid the groundwork for worshippers to express their adoration in every way including personal contact. And who wouldn’t want to meet their god? Who wouldn’t want to know more about them or tell them how much you love them? In talk shows and fan meetings there is only so much one can do after all.

People desire to know more, to have more so much that their obsession transforms into concerning stalker tendencies. These crazy individuals follow idols, stalk them on social media, in hotels, research flight numbers, bribe security. Musicians were attacked and poisoned. I strongly suspect there were cases of rape that no one knows about. There is even a special term for these fans - “sasaeng”.

Is there a definition for stalkers of actors or musicians in western world? No, I’m pretty sure there isn’t. They are just called “invasive/obsessive fans” or “stalkers”.

Also, there are sasaeng memes. Yeah, you heard that right. I enjoy some classy dark humour as much as the next person, but there is a fine line between normal and questionable.

Back to the topic of stalkers. Do you realise how disturbing that is? Such behaviour is so common that there is a term for it. You create a fandom-cult, encourage people to worship k-pop idols as gods and then act surprised when members of said cult become fanatics and their adoration becomes obsession.

And it’s so easy to step on this slippery road. The system makes it ridiculously easy. Lines begin to blur. How much is too much? Where do you draw the line?

While sasaeng fans engage in extreme real-life obsession, people online aren’t that far off, to be honest. I’ve seen it all: imagines, headcanons, fanfiction, real-person shipping, reactions. Real person shipping is a controversial topic. Some people support it, others don’t. I suppose I’m among those who don’t get it. I’m not exactly against it, but I find it strange. Mainly because it’s based on assumptions made by fans about personalities and behaviour of real people.

Assumptions. Dear me! K-pop fandom has this thing with video compilations. I’ve never seen this phenomenon being so widespread in any other community or fandom. Basically people edit together a collection of short clips from talk-shows, interviews, Instagram stories, some YouTube videos, etc and then proceed to analyse every gesture, word, facial expression of idols and provide both audio and on-screen commentary. These videos and many other forms of similar analysis allow people to imagine what kind of personalities idols have, what kind of life do they live. It’s the source material for fanfiction, imagines and headcanons.

But it’s not real. It’ll never be real. It’s an illusion, an image, a stage persona. They fall in love with a face and made up personality. And I think that when people create this content they can forget this. Fans can develop certain emotional dependence and unhealthy attitudes in the long run. In some YouTube comments even supportive and encouraging words sound whiny and obsessive. And semantics of being a “stan” of certain group or individual doesn’t help.

4. Industry, companies and liars

At last we arrive at the most important aspect of music entertainment industry - its creators.

Have you seen “The Road to El Dorado”? It’s one of my all time favourites. It has iconic characters, adult jokes that I didn’t get as a child and iconic soundtrack. I’ll quote “It’s Tough To Be A God” a lot here.

In South Korea music industry is a factory, the production line to be exact. This kind of set up affects everything in the grand scheme of things. Companies and agencies play the role of training centres and record labels. And there are so many of them that a whole new scamming system developed based around fake idol agencies. It implies that there are people who fall for offers of these agencies and continue to do so. I suspect that victims must pay a fortune upfront before they realise their mistake. Are there any kind of legal protection against such scams? How can people verify the authenticity? Because a well masked scam can exist for a long time before someone discovers it and calls them out on their nonsense.

As far as I understand legal companies work like this. After high school, which is often focused on performing arts (and private schools can get away with using talents of students for personal gain, which is totally not surprising), young people can audition for an agency and become an idol in training or idol-trainee. And passing audition is hard. But good recommendations can help, connections too.

During training you don’t get paid. Only a few companies pay aspiring musicians. People can spend years in training and don’t debut. But rent, necessities, clothing and food (not that you need much of it, but more on that later) cost a lot. Where do you get the money to live then? Support from parents, one or two part time jobs at most and bank loans. Surprise! We found an unexpected (just kidding, it’s very obvious) party, who reaps benefits from the system.

You need skill to be an idol. Natural talent helps too. The more skills you have, the cheaper and faster your training is. To level up your game you attend classes every month offered by your agency, which are not cheap (dance classes range from 400$ to 1000$ per month, sometimes more). There are four main categories in evaluation process: vocals, rapping, dancing and visuals. Idols are multitaskers, to have a chance on stage one must be perfect at everything. And people are ready to invest thousands of dollars into their kids training so that they could have a chance in entertainment industry. South Korea thrives on revenue k-pop industry generates every day.

Let’s pause here for a second and think about what kind of people come to these agencies. The answer is easy. People who have a dream, a desire, a real goal. You don’t wake up one day and decide to become a k-pop idol. Sometimes people get invited by agencies (after prior acting, modelling career or any other form of exposure). These people are usually very young. Some start straight after high school, some after university, but 25 years old is considered a late start. Compare that to western musicians who start singing at any age and still become famous.

But why this age limit? Because idols are eternally young. So that in public eye musicians are remembered as 20 year old gods. People would listen to their music and imagine a young attractive face. Career in k-pop is short, it lasts 5-7 years, rarely longer than that. It’s even less than modelling or acting can offer. And professional sportsmen retire in their late 30′s. Some play longer, but usually, that’s it.

If you live in Los Angeles and say that you want to be an actor or performer, no one would bat an eye. It’s like saying that you want to be an engineer or accountant. Similarly, in South Korea becoming an k-pop musician is a real career. Because part of the self insert fantasy that the industry sells is the idea that anyone can be an idol. It’s easy after all. Anyone can pass auditions and become a trainee. A trainee with no guarantee of debut. But one should never underestimate the power of idol-dream. After all, idea is the most resilient parasite.

“My friends started training in kindergarten. They have wanted to become idols since young”

“A lot of young kids get interested in Korean music”

A 6-year old child sees the performance of k-pop group for the first time on TV. Let’s say it’s a girl. She is enraptured and decides that she will be like that too someday. She grows up, while being part of the fandom, just like all idols are in one way or another and whose fan-obsession transforms into desire to succeed. Her parents spend time and money to find her tutors, to fund dancing and singing classes. Perhaps in high school this girl decides to fix the shape of her eyes and make nose straighter. She trains hard and passes the auditions in her dream agency. And during training this girl faces the reality of behind the scenes life in music industry.

“Why are you crying? I’m not even pushing you”

“How many times have I told you? The rest are doing it perfectly”

“She is dancing like an elementary school student“

“I watched your performance as a spectator who bought a ticket to your concert. I want a refund“

“You make my ears hurt. I don’t want to listen at all”

“Listening to you was tiring”

“I’ll kick you out instead. You won’t debut”

“I thought I was going to die. That’s how determined I was”

While I do understand that keeping a high quality standards in media industry is important, there are more productive and healthy ways to motivate someone to improve and be more passionate, you know? Constantly insulting people with sadistic glee and putting them down at every opportunity or calling them ugly to their face doesn’t do much.

Do you think that children know about this? Do they know about soulless teachers and belittling managers? Do they know about friends who are really your competition, so you shouldn’t get attached? Do they know about living in debt? Do they know any of this? No, I don’t think they do.

Children dream about the stage, about the sea of lights and crowds who chant your names. They want adoring fans and photoshoots. They want to appear on TV and magazine covers. Teenagers want the thrill of performance, they want to share their music and dancing with others.

“I don’t know how many times I cried alone”

The truth is cruel. But they won’t give up easily even if it means sleeping 4-5 hours and consuming no more than 500 calories per day. Because giving up means that your whole life was a lie. One can’t afford not to be good enough. Giving up means admitting that all efforts and money your family invested into your dream were in vain. It means losing face before your family and friends - a fate worse than death. Imagine living this idol dream and building your whole future around it and then being told that you’ll never debut because of the circumstances outside of your control or something minor, like face shape or 1 kg of weight that your body refuses to lose. It can break you. Especially if you are like 18 or something.

5. “And who am I to bridle if I'm forced to be an idol If they say that I'm a God, that's what I am”

“I don’t think there’s anything a tough as being a trainee in Korea”

Once you are a trainee at the agency your personal life does not belong to you anymore. You can’t go out without permission of the agency. You phone is taken away. Your diet and weight are monitored. Bad habits are not allowed (no smoking, drinking or drugs). Oh! I think I found the good thing in the system! Unfortunately, it won’t last. Trainees can’t date or meet with family without permission of agency. Dating is very taboo. Even established idols can’t openly date.

Why is that? Because gods can’t belong to anyone. Their lives are property of the fandom. Because openly dating idols destroy the self-insert fantasy. There was a former idol girl who dated another musician. She was called a whore by her fans, her loving and adoring stans. You might know who I am talking about. Would you call an American actor or singer a prostitute for dating someone?

Trainees sign the contract. And how can a young person straight out of school or university know much about what makes a good contract in entertainment industry or what makes a good contract in general? Even if you do understand the terms fully you would still sign it because if you have come so far, you can’t let your dream slip this easily. There isn’t a choice. Not really. If you want to debut, you will agree to anything.

What about life after debut? You have to pay off your loans. And company takes 60-70% of your group’s earnings. Artists themselves get 30-40% and split it between themselves. K-pop groups have from 5 to 10 members or more than that. Each person gets less than 6%. Idols are not filthy rich. They are not. These earnings are practically nothing compared to the work you have put into this.

Idols are musicians, who often don’t even write their own songs, music or create choreography. But if public doesn’t like the song and musical number the company created, they blame idols for the failure. Such an amazing logic we see right here. But people say that sharing music is the best part of idol life. But whose music?

Models on catwalk are not there to demonstrate their physical beauty, they are blank canvas for works of clothing designers. Same with k-pop musicians. They act like puppets in a way, whose faces and voices are used to show audience someone’s music and songs. Some groups do write their own music and lyrics and it’s nice to know that. But those, who don’t are rather unfortunate. It’s a nice tool of psychological control and pressure for an agency. They can hold it over group and use the following rhetoric: “We gave you everything! Why can’t you follow the simple instructions” or “Where would you be without us? It’s not even your music!”

I called k-pop industry a factory. That’s true. Dozens of people become trainees every year. These talented young people are fully prepared to do anything to achieve their goal. They are ready to practice until they collapse, starve themselves and pour themselves into every song. Companies know that. Tell me why would they value their idols as individuals, as people, as human beings if they always have a replacement? Why bother with mental health of their artists if next year they could have a fresh set of people, who are younger and prettier? Why try to improve relationships inside groups if you could fire any member and replace them within a month or two?

In western countries famous bands have different stories. Some were friends since high school, who played in bars and during festivals and then they were noticed by some representative of label company, who offered them a contract. Some groups were formed by like-minded people who bonded and decided to share their music with the world. There are many stories, but ultimately the have one thing in common. Bands in the West often form themselves. These people had time to bond, connect, discover each other, solve some disagreements and learn to work around their differences.

K-pop groups are formed by their agencies. They are their property in a way. Company selects the best and puts together these total strangers, appoints the leader with marketable face and personality and then expects them to work together like a well-oiled machine. No one has time to bond during training, because other people are you competition, not friends. And then you must learn to work as a team and be best friends on camera for the audience to support the self-insert fantasy. It’s no wonder that k-pop groups don’t get along sometimes. And every member knows that they are replaceable. It doesn’t help in forming connections. Groups can’t just terminate contract and go to work with another agency. I heard it happens sometimes, but it’s not a done thing. Unlike in other countries where bands just sign the deal with a different label and release their music under their name if they don’t like the old conditions.

“It's tough to be a God But if you get the people's nod Count your blessings, keep them sweet, that's our advice Be a symbol of perfection Be a legend, be a cult Take their praise, take a collection As the multitudes exalt Don a supernatural habit We'd be crazy not to grab it So sign up two new Gods for paradise”

But is it really a paradise?

Idols are expected to act cute, to match personalities created for them by fans or media. They have to act according to the concept of their group. They have to be a symbol of perfection: skinny, single and with a face perfected by surgery. They are allowed to mess up, but only in a cute way. They can break down and cry, but only if it’s “aesthetic”.

Weight issues are a separate topic. Sometimes I wonder whether managers in companies understand how weight loss or human body in general works. To be honest, I think that scales in agencies are rigged. And only managers know that. I know it can be done from personal experience. Some beach resorts tweak their scales and make them show 4-6 kg less than actual weight, so people wouldn’t get upset if they gain some. There is no way a girl as tall as I am (173 cm) could weigh like 47-50 kg and be able to perform complex choreography on stage and sing without being out of breath, visit the gym on a regular basis and generally function as a normal human without fainting every other day.

“I developed a lot of eating disorders”

“I think I consumed about 300 calories today“

“Someone, please, trim the fat off her arms”

If you grow up thinking of idols as gods and then, when you become one of them you think that you must act as one too. But being an easily replaceable god is a heavy burden. The industry, companies and audience want you to be perfect, to always be on your best behaviour. And the thought of not being good enough or divine enough terrifies you, because stans have no mercy (black ocean concept is the most stupid thing ever by the way). This kind of pressure can destroy even the most resilient. And it does.

Almost everyone knows that situation with mental health in South Korea is not the best to put it lightly. In many ways it’s a cultural thing. But in k-pop mental health issues are treated with even less care. Gods are not supposed to be depressed or suicidal. They are not supposed to have fears or insecurities, can’t be upset or angry. They try hard to be this deity, this image. So, even when they realise they need professional help or even a friend to talk to, they either won’t seek said help or reach out only to be met with silence. Some agencies disapprove or forbid therapy altogether.

Sometimes fandom becomes self-aware.

“Don’t forget that idols are people too!”

“Your favourite idols are running out of breath just to keep you entertained“

“They are humans, who have feelings!”

Oh, but here’s the thing, my friend. The industry doesn’t want you to think of them as people. Companies and media repeatedly reinforce the idea that they are not people, they are your idols. And strangely enough, the audience supports this idea. People continue to call them idols, developing worshiping tendencies in the process, imitate them, scrutinise their flaws and triumphs. Because, you know, only “real and ordinary humans” can have flaws, not “idols”.

So people who say “they are human too” and people who say “wow, this concert was amazing, but vocals in the beginning were so off-key, I simply can’t” are one and the same.

This thought process would have been funny if it wasn’t so disappointing. But that’s just my observation.

And here’s another thing about sexualisation. I said before how appearances are everything, marketable face and body could drastically improve your chances to succeed. Companies know about this too and concepts and aesthetics of groups are designed accordingly. Girls are dressed in skimpy outfits, their dances are unnecessary suggestive, they wear heavy make up and try to have “mature” vibes. Boys don’t avoid such objectification either: suits, tight pants and dress shirts along with make up and hairstyle to give audience a promise of the things to come. Grown adults are not supposed to lust after 15-17 year olds. You can’t just create a sexy stage persona for teenagers. Do you remember my earlier words about creepy merch? Yeah. All of it neatly plays into the self-insert fantasy and encourages obsessive behaviour.

This happens in western countries too. In some way that’s understandable. Beautiful and sexy image with a hint of innocence attracts more people and sells, because it caters to one of the base human instincts. But some things make your skin crawl.

Sponsorships are another topic. Some k-pop bands seek out sponsors to provide financial aid and cover expenses, when earnings are not enough. Sometimes these sponsorships are fine, perfectly civil. But sometimes it’s a prostitution. Girl groups receive money and provide sexual favours to their patrons. It’s a way for the group to gain financial support and even find new opportunities in the industry. Companies can encourage such deals. Let that sink in for a moment.

6. “Any advice to those who want to become a k-pop idol?”

A lot of former idols and trainees have similar responses to this question.

“I don’t want to discourage anyone, but think twice”

“You only see the glamorous side, but don’t see all the hard work that goes into it”

“It’s not what you think”

“They think ‘Since I am good looking and can sing and dance really well, maybe I should become an idol?’, but there is much more to it“

“They think it’s something that is easy and will keep their family set for life financially”

And this implies that most people don’t know what kind of lifestyle k-pop stars truly have, despite the amount of information available online about “behind the scenes” proceedings.

7. Moving on

I am a practical person and every decision I make is subjected to scrutiny. And after seeing everything I can't help but wonder whether idols believe it's truly worth it. What keeps the industry alive is the idol-dream, the wilful ignorance of its reality and youthful idealism, the beautiful naïve belief that it'll get better, even if it never does in the end.

Sure no one would ever admit it out loud, because it's one of those things you never say on camera, no matter how sincere you have to be. It's the matter of professionalism after all, and idols have it spades. And also, because admitting this would equal admitting that you spent your best years doing something you both loved and hated, admitting that this was a mistake.

When you grow up in a society where appearances matter the most, where saving face and being polite is more important than staying true to yourself, where individuality is tolerated only to a certain point, it takes a lot of courage to admit that you need a break. I greatly respect those who decided that idol lifestyle is not for them and moved on.

8. Conclusion

To sum up, I hope you enjoyed my small research and this perspective, since you have read it all the way to the end.

You have noticed that entertainment industry is an intricate system and its every component makes sure nothing changes. Companies have power over idols and audience, fandom has power over idols and their careers, and musicians themselves have fame and their music, but not always the promised fortune or happiness.

It’s important to understand the big picture to draw your own conclusions and encourage positive and heathy attitudes in fandoms. Being open minded and allowing people to make mistakes and live their lives the way they want to is a part of being a decent person. People don’t owe anything to others. Art is about sharing your thoughts and feelings, promoting ideas and spreading beauty. It’s not always about money. And I think that this is what k-pop lacks as an industry. It turned dreams and human need for self-expression into business. Here everything is turned into a product. Everything idols touch can be sold, sometimes literally. Industry created problems, which can’t be solved anymore, because doing so would topple the system. And I find it tragic. Trapped in an endless chase after perfection creators of k-pop forgot that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.

If you take a look at comment sections and posts on different platforms, what will you see? What kind of things resonate with audience? What makes people laugh and cry? When people start to appreciate the substance?

“Everyone needs to hear this song in their darkest moments”

“Thank you for your music!”

“They always deliver! These guys can’t make a bad song!”

“It inspired me to write again!”

“Their songs brought me and my sister together once again”

“This is what happens when you let groups write their own music - they make incredible things”

“They really are legends of k-pop! I love that they are not afraid to show their inner strength”

“Stay strong! You rock!”

I believe that the answer is quite simple: when it’s real, sincere. It’s all about the message you choose to send to your audience, because only superficial things cause obsession. When you say that the sparkly façade is all that matters, then that’s the only thing people will ever care about. Your audience will never give a damn about the meaning behind dancing, music or lyrics, if you tell them that performance is more important. No one would praise WHAT k-pop idols sing, instead they would prefer wasting breath to criticize HOW they sing or look or move.

I dare the k-pop industry to prove people that it’s not just about looks or perfection, or laser shows, or being a branding machine. Prove to your fans that k-pop artists are also passionate people with big dreams and talent, who love every moment of their job, who live and inspire, who are human just like us and whose humanity is real!

Do it, you cowards!

And now, I’m finished. I can hear the raging crowd of k-pop fandom in the distance, which means it’s time to hide. See you some other time!

#k-pop #korean music #k-rock #k-pop idol #k-pop meta #k-pop discussion #k-pop fandom criticism

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