i refuse to

color theory

>:(

Sort of a sequal to this drawing (x) this time with yellow wig + daisies :3

HELLO i yam holding out my fanmade von karma sibling for consideration for drawing

So? Have you seen her?

on today's episode of 'what on earth is wrong with that guy?' my father saw my graded sheet and my TA had written 'thank you :)' with a smiley face on it and my father asked me who wrote that. and i said my TA. and then he said 'is the TA a boy or a girl??' and looked deeply concerned when i said it's a man and then he kept prodding me to translate for him all the notes and corrections on my sheet 💀

.

it sure has been quite a week

whenever i hear a song that i would like if it weren’t for the fact that it was too long, i think about this:

like you can afford to write tangentially if you/your music is already popular and you know that people are going to listen to you no matter what and in fact laud your longer pieces as being genius etc but can you really be releasing 5+ minute long songs without a built-in audience?

I ordered a pizza... an hour and a half ago + I thought it was gonna be delivered in an hour and a half + I was like "that's sort of rough, but okay" + now I am realizing that actually it is gonna be delivered in Yet Another Hour + I am... regretting some things...

has anyone gone to another country for college? lmk

i asked our lab manager to order something for me and he was like ok! but i need to check with your advisor first. like. do you think i'm ordering this extraction kit for fun and giggles. who do you think told me to do this

Ok life update. I’m fully in college again! I like some of my classes (all stem classes) I kinda hate some other classes (theatre classes ironically). I am so deeply not moved in at all. Unpacking who? Could not be me. I do not have enough storage. I like my third roommate a lot and living with my ex is not as scary as I thought it would be. I finally get an adhd and depression test in two weeks and i start therapy in a week.

starting my job application for my dream job at gone midnight after starting on the vodka lemonade can only be a good idea right

trying to speedrun finish all the crap I have to do this week TODAY so I can chill and watch horror movies and enjoy my covid time off #woofBaby!

mfw I submitted my good cause notice and it's still just pending bc no one has looked at it and I just got a notice that my benefits will be terminated unless I can give good cause for why they shouldn't be 🤗

truly thinking of like Just Being Yourself as a supposed matter of being More spontaneous and not being caught up in your own head about it or whatever, but then the nd perspective (and really potentially anyone who’s Being Themself isn’t sufficiently of the “normal”) wherein it’s like, the more everyday / usual approach is of course to filter oneself / mask, but you don’t even know that until you learn of it and then like, think through it re: yourself, and then doing Less of that and figuring out what you do when you’re not masking Is like, added effort and a conscious process. and how things can involve not just tamping down xyz but adding in various behaviors for others’ sake, or just that like, things you haven’t Yet tamped down at all b/c you think they’re things you’re doing Right or Have To Do / i.e. would be covered under masking anyways if you didn’t do them “enough” already, but then it’s like, maybe this is generally a waste of my energy at best if not also effectively punished lmao and even if i’d “naturally” do it, again it can be matter of consciously Choosing not to, not b/c it’s not being yourself, but just b/c of using that awareness to like, i’m not going to do that in the majority of situations but i know it’s because of other people’s nonsense. that’s me and like, [talking] lately lol

and certainly it’s like. oh haven’t found yourself in time for college, better go to a house party or something elevated and conveniently more interesting to look at than a scene in a high school hallway, y.a. protagonist, and follow your increasing rate of impulsive decisions to the core of Your Truth like a geiger counter lmao, quick....i mean not like anyone has to have their life figured out by eighteen b/c that’s just not how it works anyways, or like you either have your secret realest self under lock and key to just be let out eventually here or like yeah better find it on one especial occasion, and that occasion should be about cutting loose & shit, like oh well if you just max out the volume on everything you’re feeling by elevating it all enough you’ll overhear your realest self and everyone who matters will be like oh hell yeah, in recognition of the authenticity of that drama lol....like oh believe me my Real Self has spontaneity and vivacity and passion and elevation, of the kind nt people will like, only ascribe and relate to a context of romance or some shit, like that’s a wednesday maybe b/c of having fun with xyz, couldn’t be me but i guess have fun with when like, people just like don’t have the humor or theatricality (or ability to have exchanges with other people that aren’t competitions / an issued challenge or threat) where it’s like oh someone could only be being fun or playful or energetic if they’re a bit fucked up actually, i.e. drunk surely. like well no that can just be personality & choices, including being what you think is a bit fucked up b/c being nd is surely incorrect & certainly abnormal, which is incorrect, so same difference....but anyways it can be its own choice all the time to actually share all those supposedly properly Elevated [being oneself] properties around anyone else, and even then of course it’s like, results vary with who likes it vs thinks it’s clearly doing too much / nobody doing that could Really be being themself, bring out that normaller you who must exist, or it can maybe be entertaining so long as you just do it on your own and nobody has to figure out how to have an interaction about it b/c [the concept of how to interact w/other ppl on their terms???]

honorary addendum for truly how “performative” might generally be used in some negative context but it’s like, we are all performing every day lol, congrats to the people who again think oh i’m Just being Normal, you just learned that particular performance and don’t have to be conscious about what you might be doing wrong or how to act differently b/c it wasn’t relevant for you to Have to....its being like more genuine than anything to of course be consciously performing in some way / to some degree while other people in turn consciously recognize this, vs when people think they’re being Genuine / Acting Natural but it’s just a particular performance they learned that they can’t even switch out of b/c they don’t know it’s a performance and/or can’t/won’t acknowledge there’s other modes of expression/communication that are no less real, performance has its purposes and it’s not all like well people are just trying to Trick you into thinking that’s how they really are / the only way they can be; how can anyone Really act like that, any affectation should be dropped, can’t believe everyone isn’t Just Being Normal as hard as i am, b/c i get to encounter all these other people who Get Me and/or i sure don’t encounter obstacles / pushback over what seems to be nothing / my just behaving naturally and neutrally, so i must be the expert on the rightest way to be, f for everyone who’s clearly like being too weird or rude or thoughtless and etc

it's been the longest summer ever, I just opened my folder of plays I wrote in spring semester and had completely forgotten a) the existence of half of them and b) how much I love all of them

even the unfinished ones, I mean, look at this

it's a slasher on stage. comedy genius