#like i am fine im just. fragile
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i got laundry started
Housemate will be home in half an hour or so
i have fic ideas percolating im going to try to focus on bc if i focus on the pirates the irl /PTSD shit stays further back and i feel less like im gonna. melt and explode* all at once (*explode not in angry way but in a holy shit this is so many emotions abt old life stuff way)
and if the weather holds out i get to wear my izzy cosplay to the ren faire and that i am. so excited for that (tho i did realise Housemate is gonna have to help draw on Izzy's north star face tattoo for me bc i did a test run here trying to do it myself and. god my eyesight is bad without my glasses on it was Not Good aksndjfngjy)
#text post#like i am fine im just. fragile#trying to do as ive done before and as we know now frenchie does too (im love him) and shove all the past trauma crap in the mind box#i desperately wanna talk with others abt the fic ideas but i admit im too nervous to try and seek out any our flag discords rn#and im hesitant to post too much here bc i dont wanna accidentally spoiler folks even if i have spoiler tags on#idk idk how can a body be so happy and excited and yet bound up and emotional abt Past Shit at the same time#idk but i sure am unconsciously grinding my jaw abt it aka i just realised i was doing that AGAIN just now#thats a newer one for me tbh as a reaction not sure what im gonna do abt that alsndkfngk
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#man i was like y tf am i so tried i didnt do shit today but no i got like 5hrs sleep. walked to the store in thr 12F weather. carried back#all my groceries. walked to the police station to get keys to the autoclave. read 40 slides abt anime. started redoing a tutorial#and spent 45 min on the phone giving my intake info for a new therapist. everytime i give the spiel it gets more exhausting#it feels so dramatic like whatever ill b fine but no im seeking help for a reason bleh#but now im tired and worried abt the semester bc itll b a lot. many plates to juggle with a fragile mind#my old boss was like u have an ambitious plan for the semester and im like oh boy well see how this goes#hopefully itll b fine once i get in the groove. just go one step at a time#currently i just wanna redraw 4lways sunny screenshots but idk what ones to draw#but should sleep. i gotta write a long email tomorrow morning for a class intro bc look at me im a professional who def#does not have underlying emotional problems. ugh. idk if i described my mood stuff right to the lady on the phone but like i got diagnosed#as b1polar for a reason idk i just still feel like its fake. like ill look at the checklists and get mad when i get a positive result#which is weird bc its like. u went to 3 doctors and they said the same thing shut up. ugh whatever. i need to sleepy#unrelated
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change in routine and general unfamiliarity actually makes me feel insane. like I start to believe I'm losing my mind. idk what's wrong with me 💀
#had a moment earlier like ''i can't trust my senses'' like. why not??? dramatic ass 💀#i dunno i am just so pitifully fragile and knowing that I'm prone to anxiety induced auditory hallucinations is Not comforting#I'm fine and home now in my regular environment and have gotten sleep so im better but also. man 💀#i don't get auditory hallucinations often at all and i usually recognize them as such but it's still unsettling when it happens#just feeling off kilter. I'll be normal again by tomorrow or so ^^;
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my mum pretending like nothing happened last night which is like. modus operandi
she was asking where something was in the kitchen and then telling me about the soup she was making, which is like an olive branch
but i can't do this or at least not tonight like i just cannot
#i said i wasnt having dinner w them. i cant pretend like last night didnt happen or whatever#ig it's just too raw for me#and maybe im just being a big baby bc my mum threw something bc she lost her temper and it wasn't even at me so like. it's fine right?#(genuine)#but again idc. i am a fragile little flower and if my mum thinks that im bad at getting yelled at and not resilient or whatever#then she's absolutely right lol!!#(i also have to emphasise. i am not looking for an apology from her or anything. firstly bc its never going to happen and secondly#Bc losing ur temper happens to all of us. It's just that i need more time to process before i can act like everything is Normal again#krow.misc#sorry the posts have been so depressing of late. i was feeling better a few hours ago i promise (journaled for a bit)
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I was trying to define how I'm feeling rn and I came up with 'horrible, but in a good way'
#i mean yes horrible nasty#but not like yesterday or other days sometimes#(God be thanked that I forgot at the time that there actually is a knife in my room in a box bc if I'd remembered I'd wager anything#that I would not in fact have come out of that unscathed. I have buried the knife further in the box#so that in case such a crisis comes again I cannot easily get at it and hopefully I'll get some sense or tell somebody in the meantime.)#anyway rn it's the sort of horrible which is wearing and nasty but definitely still this-too-shall-pass#i can survive it without danger to life or limb in the least it's not as bad#and i know definitely that this is connected with having friend and her family staying over since wednesday#thankfully they're going home tomorrow at least#yes i am a horrible friend#yes this is making it worse#but i just - yes i love her and i love them. but i need space. i need alone time. i am at the end of my tether.#and yes apparently anxiety and uptightness and general wound up ness can get to the point it did yesterday#i only clawed up my face a bit and nothing lasting#only a few nail marks remain on my hands so im fine#but i won't deny that the evening of yesterday was honestly terrifying#if i'm like this emotionally still in terms of fragility by the time i go back to uni i don't think i'll cope with uni#at least without resorting to something desperate of some kind#i'm hoping getting a job soon if i can will pull me out of this slump#i need to do something about pursuing an adhd diagnosis or at least going to an educational psych like my doctor suggested#i cannot deal with it without at least one or the other of those#i mean i also need a referral from doctor to scoliosis review surgeon so if i can get an appointment with the specific doctor to get that#maybe i'll be able to get a referral to another adhd or educational person as well at the same time. i hope so#i don't know. sorry for having a breakdown all over tumblr#if im having a serious breakdown all over tumblr at any point that's probably my way of keeping me somewhere safe tbh#im sorry y'all have to be dumped with this but idk#and im sorry i can't promise to trigger tag or anything eithr bc i know if im in a state of crisis or my definition of crisis i will forget#guhh anyway idk why i dumped this all over the place sorry#to my followers who followed me bc of shenanigans: sorry#to everybody: sorry
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ouagh at some point i should try to post some of the multiple thousands of pictures I've taken every time i go to an aquarium huh
#toy txt post#i went thru my phone and sorted almost everything in my camera roll at some point#need to do more sorting again and also sort into narrower categories to make it easier to tag shit and then#ill be able to like. navigate my insane amount of photos on here one day#also the multiple thousands is not. an exaggeration#i seem ti take At Least 1000 everytime. i go to an aquarium#less so at the one i volunteer at sometimes just cos. its smaller and i try not to be on my phone while volunteering#ouaaaagh#i guess i should try to look into more. schooling/edu fucking cation#cos volunteering there. doesnt suck#like its a little physically demanding just cos the water is Very Extremely Cold and its like 2hrs drive away from me#but like. like i Hate interacting w ppl i dont think i could do customer service or retail BUT i love#a captive audience to infodump about sea life to#i just need a college professor that is very extremely patient w me and treats me like the fragile little baby that i am/j#i guess i need to once again seek out Fucking Therapy to wrangle with my Homework Issues#all those posts explaining how to study that were too triggering to look at ages ago. guess i need to find them lol#god. it really does feel like such a silly stupid issue i have here. like if someone else told me they had issue w this id be like#no yeah of course that sounds horrible im so sorry etc#but alas i am not so forgiving w myself like#oh yeah im apparently traumatized ig by uhhhh Being Assigned Homework. like. normal amount. it was fine and all#like i passed shit. it was extremely difficult and i barely made it in some classes but i did Get Thru It and i had like accommodations to#turn in shit late and everything but uhhhhhhh#yea#theres slightly more to it than that ig but! like. basically. that is basically.#im a huge baby who couldnt do their fucking homework and now if i see Study Tips ill start crying#which is super inconvenient cos like hey bitch you know what might help with the homework?#taking my brain out of my skull and shaking it#anyway. im way offtopic here#the point is that i have so fucking many pictures of fish#and also pictures of birds from the beach i have soooo fucking many. i should post more Photos
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did i make a mistake?
#sigh dawnie crush issues in the tags#so yeah fair warning#...........................................................................................................................................#idk man I just. i feel like instead of getting closer weve grown more distant ever since he asked me out and its killing me man#i dont wanna be hurt. im so fragile rn and just starting to heal from the years of trauma i faced in my family. when i try to talk#about any issue i have to him he just. ignores the text#or gives me a very dry response which hey. im not trying to say u should listen to my issues all the time. i get that some people dont want#to. but i would just much rather have someone tell me that directly yk? just a hey i dont do well with rants. but the thing is he said hes#fine with them. but then when i get nothing to address it i just. i feel hurt. like... ive started to wonder if hes just keeping the#relation for namesake at this point but ik that isnt true. weve only been dating 2 weeks or so i shouldnt judge so soon. but man its hard#to not overthink ive always been conditioned to do that. ive always been super excited when he plans a date (which he doesnt even call#a date) but when i try to plan smth its always that he has some other plan to attend to which again i get it im not the jealous date who#asks her s/o to be for her every waking moment but yk it does hurt and i feel instead of just letting it bottle up its better to admit it.#i tried to ask him to get cotton candy once and he said wed go the next day and then he forgot. never asked me a time or anything. i didnt#think of it much cuz hed gone to meet a friend outside the city and he mustve been tired. yesterday i asked him again and he said he was#again going outside the city to meet his 12th grader friend. man am i jealous of that girl who gets to spend more time with the guy#who asked me out than ive collectively spent with him#and no i dont mean this in a toxic way like “oh hes meeting other girls he shouldnt do that” i just. man i pictured so much out of my first#relationship. and i got nothing. not one thing out of it. i guess it makes sense cuz my love language is mostly physical touch and u cant#really do that in a campus in India. and its also wrong of me to hold him to such high standards of a perfect relationship when the guy#himself has been in one for the first time (i assume?) but like i said id rather not try to hide my emotions and express them out openly.#theres still so much more about this that i feel wrong but the thing is its confusing cuz i feel like the two years of torture in my house#has made it so that the trauma from never hearing i love you wnd words of affirmation from my parents has been reflecting off this place.#its wrong of me to do this but i expected everything that i couldnt recieve to be fulfilled in a relationship and i now realise how stupid#i was yk? cuz its wrong of me to put such harsh expectations on him like that. i feel like such a shallow person for getting depressed over#a relationship that has just been going for 1 week#theres also the thing where he generally seemed more excited to talk to me before? and now i just get the dryest responses ever out of#which no conversation can be built. and again im not expecting him to be online and respond immediately but a thoughtful response goes a#long way. again ik im being so harsh on him cuz its his first time too and he must be facing the same awkwardness im facing but jesus. i#ok my tags are over im continuing in a reblog
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a moodboard.
#im so tired. borh emotionally and physically and i feel just like. so overstimulated#talked to my grandma. i havent talked to her in a few years because my dad made me feel like i had to isolate myself from his family. so#yeah. i had to walk away before she ended the call because i started crying abit. i just am so emotionally fragile i cant handle anything#i was fine after that. had an amazing day even#but right before i wrnt to recuperate in my room. like bc im so exhausted etc. my mom asked about my grandma#and i was like she sounded fine but my sister was saying she sounds different and that she needs to be in a wheelchair because the pain of#her spine cancer is too much and i just like. ywah i knew that i just literally dont have the emotional capacity or ability right now to#talk about it or be honest like that im just so. i dont know i had to leave again because i almost started crying#im coming to terms with the fact that i need to visit her and i want to its just. its going to be so hard#im just. how am i supposed to handle all this when im already so emotionally wrought.#ok i just made myself cry i need to sleep and calm down#i just need to. stop fucking thinking. for once in my life#jace.txt
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i love disabled people because abled people would be having a nervous breakdown seeing the shit i deal with on a daily basis but disabled people just get it.
if u tell me some freaky shit is just kind of ur normal i won't even really question it outside of wanting to know how i can support u
#sometimes my legs give out or i collapse or go into vomiting fits for seemingly no reason#or cant feel my face. go nonverbal & get wonky vision#its nice when people don't go into a panic like bro its fine#ya it sucks it's not exactly enjoyable but freaking out wont fix it either#but other disabled & especially chronically ill people will more than likely completely understand the feeling#and hand u ur meds or something else that u might need. and check on u. instead of melting down and acting like its an emergency#also the amount of people who act like im super fragile when they see me in my wheelchair???#1: its hard for me to even bruise let alone actually get injured 2: i am literally surrounded by plastic and metal. im fine#if anything id just want to strangle someone if they even dented my wheelchair i need this big fucker#back the fuck up!!! and be careful#act like u got some sense when u deal with wheelchair users. holy hell
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Been angry about our pitiful raise at work and ive been trying to plan smth with my coworkers so we could go and ask for an actual raise and now the fucking CEO wants to talk to me? I know im well within my right but im scared af lol
#oh yeah also because im apparently not allowed to have a sign that says im immunocompromised(? forgot the word lol)#cause its illegal to force people to wear a mask and like fine but how tf am i forcing people lmao im just stating im fragile#rambles#personal
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#sometimes i feel like my brain is disintegrating in my head. coming apart like a lump of paper in a pool of water#it comes with this weird feeling of vertigo. like i turn my head and my thoughts are spinning too fast. they keep going despite my standing#still. its also a but when you start drinking something and when u stop your thoughts r hazy and ur breathing is heavy#maybe thats not a universal experience. sometimes when i stop i realize ive slipped half out of my body#and now im stumbling from day to day trying desperately to remember all the things im supposed to be managing#but there are these big holes in my brain. like im missing chunks of grey matter. the bits that would let me stop and start things#i dunno. when im taking measurements i have this image of myself on my knees holding the fragrance pieces of my life together as they#crumble thru my fingers and my insides shrivle away from the walls that contain them. i go hollow like a gord#and ppl say oh ur so passionate abt what u do. and i go brittle bc it doesnt feel like passion it feels like the symptom of an illness#i dont care. im just trying to burn the hours away. make time vanish. and for what? what am i building toward? i have an answer that i give#interviewers but i dunno i never thought id make it this far. but here we r. unhappy and lacking in purpose. its just that this last year#was so weird bc about a year ago i burned out so hard that i never recovered and it just got worse and worse. i feel now that ive stopped#the bleeding at least but the bitterness is still there. still infecting my words and curving my spine around the injury#and in theory i understand the path to healing but its hard when im just so. i dont even kno. angry? im not mad but the word feels right#but i dunno what id be angry about. maybe im just sick of empty tasks and not caring. i used to have passion and enthusiasm now i just feel#fragile and hurt. bracing for pain. and that makes me so sad. i wish i could go out into the woods and wander. just breathe#but no. instead ill start another day identical to 100 others and hope to keep my head above the surface bc im sick of swallowing sea water#anyway. itll b fine. hopefully this week i can commit to a program. hopefully. another program halfway across the country. this time#vertically. landing me still 2 time zones from home. but hopefully there i can breathe a little. maybe. hopefully. well see#unrelated
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How am I supposed to value myself when everyone I love or care for abandons me in the end
#I’m just still so heartbroken#I’m doing so much better than I thought I would but man#it still hurts sometimes#and I’m still angry and bitter and jealous and just sad#sad that i thought we had something so special#angry that he lead me on for so long#bitter than he’ll find someone else and be happier with them#I know I’m just fragile from counselling but man#I wish I believed myself when I say I’m better off without him#and that I’m the greatest loss in love he’ll ever have#but Hell im not even fully over my ex boyfriend and it’s been three years#I guess part of the reason for that is that I got involved with someone else so soon after we broke up#which I regret so fucking much especially now#I really feel like I would’ve gotten back together with ***** had I not met the other guy#heh#oh well#I guess life is just having to accept things you don’t want to#but here I am crying when he’s probably fine#they’re both probably fine and probably won’t even think about me#I clearly don’t have a significant impact on other people#at least not as big as they leave on me#:(((((
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. Chompin at the bit today ...
#it's like. i hate (romantic) love. i love love. i cant survive without it. ill be fine alone#i need security and happiness. ive survived this long without them and don't deserve them anyway#i sm completely unhinged in every sense if the word. i am the most normal person on the planet and everyone else is wrong#bc they cant or wont feel things like i do#im the worst person alive. my hands are bloody. there's so much guilt. im so selfish and life is one long atonement for my very existence#im actually just human and deserving of the same compassion as everyone else. maybe more bc im just so fuckin fragile#i have to deny myself every comfort and desire bc it is morally correct#i have to deny myself because it is easier to deny myself than have the world deny it to me#pretend that it is my choice. easier never to ask then to be disappointed and let down and alone#i have to deny myself bc of guilt. it is righteous justice. it is punishment. it is misguided. all three maybe#so yeah. having A Time. had a full on breakdown at church and not in a good cathartic way#reminder reminder of the shire is saved but not for me#im multitudes and incomprehensible. im simple and stupid and plain.#i have too many emotions. i dint have enough. i should feel more. i should repress more#im just. off to stupid little crafts. read trc BC im already insane so whatever#work again. rinse wash repeat#gonna drive myself to exhaustion at the gym#not out of health desire. but brain desire. i need to be awake but unthinking. exhausted and pained for a righteous cause#anyway. ooops. so much for being reticient and repressed#i mean. irl sure. and this is only a fraction of it. i promise to be less in the future. its better for everyone#and I'm so tired of weakness
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all my fucking teachers are pitying me though???? like oh my fucking god i thought i wasn’t going to be that person anymore?? are you telling me that mental illness and physical illness and access concerns and low energy and motivation don’t go away when you move four hours away from home????
#my fucking linguistics teacher. is such a good person but i feel so fucking awful and hopeless#he emailed my academic advisor!!!! what is that supposed to mean he thinks i can’t do it#i missed class on wednesday because i was having combination flare-up and panic attack (where i feel sick and it makes me anxious and the#anxiety makes me sick and it keeps going in this evil cycle and i can’t make it stop)#everyone is out here four weeks into the semester saying ‘‘this isn’t like you’’ maybe it is though????#‘if my very existence is so fragile that i can only hold onto it three months out of the year am i allowed to make it define me??#am i allowed to say i’m not myself right now or is this the most myself i’ve ever been?#if i only look like myself from the right angle in the right lighting with the right frame of mind / maybe myself is not my self after all’’#^ shitty poetry i wrote in fucking 2020. here i am again. it just keeps coming back!!!!#i feel sick. every second i spend trying not to be so desperate and alone just leads to more lonely desperation just later??#you can’t just fill emptiness with limited human connection and expect it to stay filled when they leave???? unthinkable#why is my teacher saying my fucking name???? why is my teacher saying my fucking name i’m not fucking broken#like i feel like they’re putting me on suicide watch when i didn’t fucking do anything. oh my god there’s room inspection today#i’m in my bed sobbing there’s going to be fucking room inspection today#that’s fine. that will be fine. i’m going to class soon anyway. i dont know. it’s just. like everyone is trying to make me feel seen#but i don’t WANT to be seen i want it not to MATTER i don’t want to be identified as struggling!!!!#because first and foremost this is an issue of failing my classes. and i want to look away and pretend that’s not true#and everyone is watching me struggle and sending kind heartfelt messages. saying i just seem sad and distant#but im NOT and i WASNT and they don’t understand that i’m just fucking like this!!!! i’m not failing because i’m depressed i wasnt depressed#until i started failing. they think that if i can push away the feelings there’s a functional human being underneath#‘‘i found you on the floor like you wanted to / now i thought you wanted more is this all that you could be????’’#im so caught on how he was using my name. what the fuck is that about. it wasn’t in a normal way it was apposition. it was manufactured#‘‘sorry you’ve been under the weather [comma] arthur [comma] but glad you’ll be in class. just let me know if i can help’’#i dont know. am i the only person who feels like it’s talking-to-depressed-people-101?? Remember To Make Them Feel Human. Give Them Identity#Say Their Name so they know anybody fucking cares. i know i sound fucking insane right now i’m sorry#my only real friend here is out of town this weekend. i just feel lonely and isolated with no way to break out of it#crazy idea you guys maybe i shouldn’t be in the fucking honors program if i’m like this already. four fucking weeks in#i dont know. i just feel really upset and strange and broken and everywhere at once. i hope everyone is okay#vent cw#friends only
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#my dad is so fucking#frustrating i fucking hate him so much#why can't he just stick to one thing? if you've decided to be an asshole then be a goddamn asshole#why these random bursts of affection and caring I HATE IT it hurts me more than you scolding me#because your love is so fucking conditional and fickle and i never know what to do to keep receiving it#and it makes me question everything about myself my thoughts my relationships whether if im actually ever right when im mad at people#it makes me think oh maybe it was me i understoof them wrong i can never fuckinh trust my judgement#like feeling unloved is all MY fault i am the one who can never get enough#i still don't know if that's true#broken three different relationships and I still don't know this about myself everytime i was like i don't feel like you love me and they#were like what no ofcourse i do but if you can't see it then fine fuck off i give up#he said he is concerned about my weight because he's scared i might get some diseases like thyroid (bc mum has it) or pcod or something???#like dude why tf did u not just say that pehle 😭😭😭😭 i spent like 5 days feeling miserable not eating properly because i thought you#hated my appearance all my fragile self esteem it's all broken now i can't eat dinner without thinking about you saying don't you dare have#dinner if you feel hungry just drink water#and the worst part is i can't even skip dinner because it gives me a horrible headache the next morning and then i can't study and work#which btw YOU can absolutely not tolerate i gave up on being happy for your dreams im just trying to make you proud and happiness feels#like a far fetched dream now but i keep going everyday because im so close to the finish line and maybe if i do this you would finally be#happy with me love me#i told him that my first loan file got sanctioned today and he was so fucking happy so proud so soft like eat the dragonfruit i brought for#you okay it's so tasty and take care of yourself celebrate this little win you've worked hard#like just. please. don't confuse me you saying shit like this made me sob so much harder than all your angry words
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I AM VERY UPSET I NEED ANIMAL PICTURES STAT
#please#for context im on my period and my dog just licked a ton of my coffee foam while i wasnt looking#the foam is the best part!!!#i was gone scooping HIS breakfast!!#he's also just a little shit#but its hard not to be mad at HIM when i am PMSing and i spent money on that coffee!#i am also just in a fragile mental state but that is irrelevant#also before you ask he is FINE#he didn't get any actual coffee just some sweet milk/foam#like whip cream basically#fi talks#dogs
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