just watched the 2023 vegas gp and holy shit it might be one of my fave races ever?

like charles staying in the top 3 essentially the whole time, being race leader for like 20 laps AND stealing p2 at the last minute - also doing it as a one stop like the tyre whispering legend he is.

max serving a 5 second penalty being stuck below podium places for so long, losing part of his car AND still coming first, absolutely legendary

also like shoutout to george who raced an amazing race (like he got fucked with his penalty but had that not happened he genuinely did amazing)

also oscar and checo both did so well too like

It Is Time To Ramble About Limbus Company Headcanons and Stupid Shit I Guess

It’s 12:00 am and I’ve chosen violence so put on your helmets and buckle your seatbelts because you’re in for a WILD ride brought to you by previous conversations ive had with my friends

Hong Lu has like 50 dogs, most of which are Shibas (because HAVE YOU EVER FUCKJNG SEEN BABY SHIBAS THEYRE ADORABLE AS FUCK MAN) and at some point he decides to bring them all onto the bus. Don Quixote is having the time of her goddamn life, proclaiming to these random puppies that they will be “the most valiant knights in the City” while Ishmael is just staring at her like “wtf are you even doing.” Sinclair is very much not used to handling tons of small excited dogs. Heathcliff is yelling at the dogs to shut up. Gregor is trying to make sure his arm doesn’t rage out of control and end up stabbing one, and he definitely doesn’t need Rodion’s reminders about it. Meursault is just existing, as blank faced as ever, as a bunch of dogs just pile on him. Meanwhile, Outis is trying to pretend she isn’t enjoying the fluffy chaos but it’s horribly obvious she does. “Manager—We must stay focused—we cannot—let these—these things distract us from our mission!” [two seconds later] [insert outis trying to find an excuse to bring the dogs along] Vergilius is unamused because he’s Vergilius and is never happy. Charon, however, is enjoying every second of this.

Don is legally not allowed to say fuck.

[insert entirety of in hell we live whale plush here]

This is probably already canon but. Kronically Online Kromer. She posts on twitter seven times a day and doxxes anyone who argues with her online (and sends her whole personal army after them.)

Don probably has made a “your mom” comment before. No I’m genuinely serious because apparently those existed in shakespeare’s time which is so funny because don could probably just get into a heated argument with some stranger and Don: “VILLAIN! YOUR MOTHER.” Rodion: [barely holding it in]

DON QUIXOTE IS THE BEST RACE CAR!!! FUCK YOU!!!

i’ll reblog with more when i remember them hendjsnnsnsnnsnfjd anyways what are your dumb limbus headcanons

Hii! Im the anon that asked about watching F1, thank you for the lengthy answer I really appreciate it!

Karting is so fun but I never realised before going how hard it was on your body. It’s difficult to imagine how these F1 drivers do it tbh, it’s crazy!!

I ended up watching the Suzuka race live after sending in the ask and you’re right I did learn a lot just from watching it (also crash almost gave me a heart attack, was not expecting anything like that to happen..). I really love learning about the strategy, I never realised how much really goes into racing before this. I read a few more chapters of the fic too and learned a lot from that. Actually I really love learning about racing in general just from the fic it makes it a bit more digestible when there’s so much to learn.

I have adhd too so I totally get not being able to like things normally haha.. I’ve spent all of today so far reading about F1 and I’m looking into tickets for the British GP since it’s somewhat close to where I live (which is funny bc less than 48hrs ago all F1 is to me is cars go zoom..). I blame your fic but in a good way! I’m really glad I started reading it, I already feel like this is gonna be my new obsession.

And as it turns out one of my friends used to watch a bunch of races at the Shanghai circuit so I’ll have someone to annoy with questions for the Chinese GP, I’m really excited to watch that! I still don’t know in what ways the track influences the race technically, but what an interesting looking track! It looks like it’d be fun to drive on that.

Also can I ask why you like and support Ferrari and Leclerc in particular? And do you think they could win this year? Since from what I see Verstappen/Red Bull Racing have been stuck in the top spot the past 3 years

Thanks again for your answer!

so many opportunities to yap about f1….

lap 1 incidents are pretty common, but suzuka in particular has a very high rate of safety car use (ie crashes occuring) because its so technical and driver heavy. its one of my fav tracks for this reason!

silverstone is a brilliant track and the atmosphere is amazing - its one of the classics! however what i will say is that the prices are EXTREMELY inflated. if ur european (even if you live IN england) its cheaper to go to races abroad if thats an option because silverstone is SOOO expensive. ive never been to a race bc of money but if you can spare it silverstone is definitely one of the best especially in terms of the racing.

tracks influence a couple of things : drivers and cars. mostly cars, since f1 (unlike f2 and f3) is equally a constructors series. there are a bunch of concepts that effect how a car will perform on a certain track, but the main ones are downforce and straight line speed. downforce mainly effects cornering. diff tracks will have corners that are taken at different speeds (high speed v low speed corners) and different cars will be weak or strong through corners depending on their characteristics (RBR last year was weak in low speed corners, hence singapore being SO bad for them, and mclaren was in incredibly strong in the high speed corners (qatar, japan) but lacked straight line speed, making them weaker in other places.

why ferrari? the legacy. micheal schumacher won 5 of his WDCs with them, the iconic red, the passion. it feels like a cult and i love it

leclerc… oh my god leclerc. first of all i just think hes a little bit funny in an insane way. but aside from that, he won f3 as a rookie, then won f2 as a rookie. that is RARE. only Rosberg (WDC 2016) Lewis Hamilton (7x WDC), Nico Hulkenberg (uuh), George Russell and Oscar Piastri have won the support series as a rookie, and of those only hamilton, russell, piastri and leclerc won f3 / f2 or their equivalents back to back. (f1 fans u can correct me if im wrong on this)

his f2 performance is the most dominant of all time. the sprint win in bahrain 2017 (f2) was genuinely one of the most jaw dropping pieces of racing ive ever seen. he went to sauber (midfield/backmarker team) in 2018 for his first year in f1 and scored the vast majority of the team’s points - 39. 39 points in that car was insane. he signed to ferrari in 2019 as a second driver to 4x WDC sebastian vettel. instead of backing down and playing nice, he then proceeded to outqualify him over two seasons, and outrace him too. his win in monza 2019 is POETRY in motion. verstappen rates him very highly and said in 2018 that he hopes theyll have a rivalry like hamilton and vettel. god he makes me INSANE

as to whether ferrari/leclerc can win this season… i wouldnt be a fan if i didnt say yes. RBR bought a major floor update to suzuka and they still didnt run away as much as last year (at least perez, verstappen is inhuman). despite having a couple of poor qualifying runs, leclerc is racing at an incredibly high level and is on pace with verstappen. with a strategy generally considered slower (and definitely much more difficult) he advanced from P8 to P4 today. vassuer (the ferrari team principal) has said hes optimistic about the upgrade trajectory, and that it can be developed aggressively. those first upgrades will come in Imola.

basically the season is long. max had a dnf in australia and leclerc is still within touching distance of perez. i think we need a little luck but it could be possible if the upgrades go well. leclerc couldve fought for P2 today with a decent quali. (charles also seems to do really well on sprint weeks. and china is a sprint week) :)

tbh though i think the real battles will come in 2025 and 2026. leclerc v hamilton in equal machinery, and then ferrari v RBR:3

thankyou anon<3

Without Warning - Part IV

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V

Genre: angst, slight fluff

Pairing: Reader x Mark ft. Doyoung

Word Count: 3k

Summary: You and Doyoung had the best summer you could. Now that he’s hundreds of miles away in college, you have to go through senior year alone. You meet Mark at a time when Doyoung is making you feel like you’re single.

Mark was completely taken aback by the events of the night. You’d kissed him and you held his hand and you brought him into your room. Mark could hardly contain his excitement about having kissed you, touched you, and having been close enough to pick up on your scent. For him it wasn’t sexual. It didn’t have to be and, to be honest, he didn’t want it to be. At least, not right now. For now, he was just enjoying this innocence with you.

You went in your drawers and pulled out pajamas, sending Mark into anxiety. Please don’t change in front of me, please don’t change in front of me, he thought. The last thing he needed was to get hard right now and to potentially scare you away. He definitely wasn’t ready for something like that. Thankfully, you excused yourself into the bathroom and returned a couple minutes later with a freshly washed face and pajamas on. 

You looked beautiful as ever, even with no makeup on. He’d seen you a few times without makeup but on most days, he noticed, you’d at least be wearing eyeliner. But here you were, no eyeliner, no mascara, and none of your usual lipgloss with the slight pink tint to it. 

Mark was lying across your bed, heart racing. He was nervous because he’d never seen you in this state and, of course, because he liked you a lot. “You feeling okay?”

You nodded. “Just a little tired. Do you wanna watch my show with me?”

“Yeah. What show?”

“I started rewatching Sailor Moon.”

“I’m down for whatever.” 

You crawled into the bed with him and snuggled up to him, lying on his chest. He wasn’t sure if you could hear his heart racing but it was definitely racing. His heart pounded so hard he could hear it in his ears. He didn’t know if it was because he’d been drinking or what; he just knew that he was very aware of himself right now. Was he breathing too hard? Was he breathing at all? Did he still smell like alcohol? Did you actually like him, the same way he did? He had so many questions and most of them, he couldn’t answer at the moment.

One minute you were watching tv in silence and the next minute, you were asleep. Mark looked down at you and smiled at how cute you looked with your mouth slightly open. He wished he had this view all the time. With a sigh, he thought about all the things you could do if you were his. But for now, he caressed your hand as you slept. He stayed like that with you for the rest of the episode before he figured he shouldn’t overstay his welcome. He scooted from underneath you but before he could get out of the bed you reached out for him, grabbing onto his arm.

“Don’t go,” you mumbled.

“What?”

You opened your eyes and pouted. “Cuddle with me…”

Mark’s heart started racing again but he did what you asked. Plus, how could he resist when you made a face like that. He got under the blanket with you and pulled you closer. You snuggled up to him and said, “Goodnight.” Mark smiled and wrapped his arms around you. And with you in his arms, he fell asleep more quickly than he normally would. 

*

“Y/N?”

Mark shot up, realizing that he probably should’ve asked you when and if your mom was coming back home. He looked down at you, still fast asleep. Should he hide under the bed? In the closet? He heard footsteps coming toward the closed door. Mark bolted into the closet, hoping that the door wasn’t the kind that would squeak as you opened it. Thankfully, it didn’t and he closed the door just enough. He took in a deep breath, praying that your mom had no reason to look in the closet.

“Y/N?” your mom said. She opened the door and Mark heard your mattress shift from outside the closet. 

“Hey,” you said. He heard you yawn loudly. He couldn’t see you but he imagined it in his mind. 

His heart raced while your mother spoke. Was he breathing too loud? Could your mom somehow sense his presence? Thankfully, he’d come over in his socks so there weren’t any shoes by the door to be evidence. He’d met your mom a couple times at this point but he was pretty sure your mom wouldn’t have been very happy to come home and find the two of you asleep in each other’s arms. 

“Did you have fun with Mark and your friends?” She chuckled as Mark’s heart continued racing. “That’s good to hear. Anyway, it’s been a very long double shift so I think I’m going to take a bath with those bath salts you got me for my birthday. Get a little more sleep.”

“Okay,” you said, “See you later.”

Mark heard the door close and relief swept over him. A moment later, when he was sure your mom was gone, he whispered, “Y/N…”

“Mark?” You opened the closet door, surprised that Mark was there. You found him in between your jeans and your t-shirts. “Oh my God, I thought you left! I’m sorry, I forgot to set my alarm. I should’ve told you my mom was coming home in the morning. Unfortunately, she’s not on vacation in Mexico...”

“It’s all good,” he said, chuckling as he stepped out of the closet. “As long as she didn’t see us in the bed together, I think we’ll both survive.”

You laughed, too. “That was way too close.”

“Yeah, for sure. I should get out of here before your mom comes back...”

You nodded, moving out of his way. “Let me make sure she’s in the bathroom.” You left him in the room for a moment. Mark grabbed his phone from under your pillow. You came back and said, “The coast is clear.” 

You waved him over and he followed you to the front door. 

Mark turned to you. He needed to know before leaving here. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah,” you said, stretching.

“Do you remember anything from last night?”

You nodded. “I remember everything. I meant everything.”

That brought a wide smile to Mark’s face. He felt his cheeks get hot and he wasn’t sure if he was visibly blushing or not. Then again, he didn’t care. Hell, if you meant all the things you’d said, nothing else mattered. You wanted to kiss him, genuinely. He wasn’t sure if you liked him like that but you clearly felt something. And, for now, that was good enough for him.

You had something you wanted to say but you hesitated. Things had taken a turn since last night. “Um…”

Mark noticed your hesitation. He supposed things did get a little awkward. “What’s up?”

“Since we’re sober now, will you kiss me?” you asked, taking Mark by surprise. You’d been so forward for the last ten hours and he had no idea what to make of any of this. You didn’t know what had come over you the past few hours.

“Yeah.” 

Mark leaned in slowly, pressing his lips to yours. Your lips felt the same, more or less. They weren’t as moist without lipgloss and they no longer tasted like cotton candy. But he enjoyed the kiss with you nevertheless. He pulled away a few seconds later with a smile. You looked into each other’s eyes for a moment and he kissed you again. “Is that what you wanted?”

“Yep.” You took his hand in yours and squeezed it. “Now get out of here before my mom catches you here.”

With a chuckle and a kiss on your cheek, Mark was gone with the wind. 

*

Doyoung was annoyed and frustrated. He’d been trying to contact you for weeks on end to no avail. You’d dodged every obstacle. He’d hit you up on LINKEDIN, for God’s sake. He was putting in all that effort and you ignored him every time. He’d tried contacting you through your friends, on social media, and so on. But there was never any response. 

And then the one opportunity he had to talk to you, you were drunk off your ass. Was it that bad that you couldn’t contact him sober? Was it that bad that you had to be drunk to speak to him?

He was frustrated because he fucked up. He fucked up and he didn’t mean to. New stressors in his life weren’t any excuse to treat you the way he did. He got caught up in this new life and he took you for granted. He assumed you’d stick around because you loved each other, even though he hadn’t been acting like it. College life became more important to him that managing the relationship. But he snapped that one time and that was all it took to destroy the relationship. He was so stupid not to realize what was going on, not to realize how distant he’d become. It didn’t look good on his part, as your boyfriend.

How could he have been so stupid? He missed you. Some days, you were all he thought about. Were you sleeping well at night? Were you having fun? Did you...miss him? 

He was frustrated because he made a mistake, one that cost him even his friendship with you. He lost his girlfriend and his best friend, all at once. And he hated it. He missed being able to vent to you when he’d had a shitty day and he wished that he could call and tell you about it. But you took that option away from him and Amber and Phil weren’t much help either. He didn’t want to put them in the middle; it was an issue that he had with you and it wasn’t right to try to go through them.

Doyoung’s phone rang on his desk, disrupting him from his thoughts. It was his mother. She was the last person he wanted to speak to right now. He let it ring, hoping that she’d just leave it at that. The phone stopped ringing and he let out a sigh of relief. The relief only lasted for a few seconds and she started calling again. Doyoung rolled his eyes and sighed instead of hurling the phone across the room like he’d imagined in his head. He picked up the phone from off the desk and answered it.

“Hello?”

“Hey mom.”

“Just calling to check on you. How is everything?”

“It’s going okay. I’m working on a paper right now. I’m almost done. I got an B on my biology exam. I think I’m getting the hang of how I need to study for that class.”

“That’s good to hear. I’m sure you’ll do better for the next exam. Start preparing now so you can get a head start.” She cleared her throat. “Did you book your flight yet?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I’ve been so busy. I meant to tell you about it yesterday.”

“Good. The prices were getting more expensive.” She let out a deep sigh. “I can’t believe your brother is getting married in three weeks.”

“I can’t believe I’m going to have to come right back to school after.”

“Me either. But you know how event venues are. They got a good deal considering it’s a weekend.”

“It’s going to be a long weekend.”

It would be. But all he could think about was the possibility of seeing you while he was back home. He had so many things he wanted to say, so many things to make up for. He just wanted confirmation if things between you two were truly over. What would he find if he looked you in your eyes? Love, hate, or indifference?

*

Amber hit you in the arm with the copy of Romeo and Juliet that had been sitting on your desk. “You and Mark what?” 

You shrugged and said, “We kissed...a few times. And he might’ve slept over last night...”

“Slept over? Did you guys do it?”

“No!” you said, probably a little more loudly than necessary. “It wasn’t like that. We just...cuddled and slept. But I forgot to set an alarm for when my mom came back so Mark must’ve heard her calling me and he hid in the closet.” You grabbed an oreo from the box sitting in the middle of the bed as Amber sat cross legged at the foot of the bed, waiting for the rest of the story. “At first I was sad because I thought he left in the middle of the night but he ended up in the closet because my mom came in to say hi.”

“Well this was definitely unexpected,” she said, “but Mark’s a pretty decent guy, being from the male species and all.”

“Yeah…”

“Why didn’t you tell me you liked Mark?”

“I didn’t know. I mean, I never thought about it.”

“So you’re not sure?”

“I think I do like him…I mean, I liked the kiss and the cuddling. And it’s not like he’s not attractive.”

“You’re not using him to get over Doyoung, right?”

You shook your head. Of course, getting over a two year relationship wouldn’t be easy but you had to move on eventually. And, with the way he treated you, it would be easier once you met someone who truly had your best interests in mind. Mark was a sweet guy and he was a good friend. Even though things had been platonic up until this point, Mark had become one of your closest friends. You could trust him with your life and you knew that, perhaps, you could trust him with your heart, too.

You weren’t sure what came over you that night but all you could think of at the time was “What if we kissed?” The alcohol gave you the nudge but you found yourself thinking of Mark constantly. And every time you did, you smiled. You remembered how you felt when things had gotten more romantic with Doyoung. You’d get butterflies when you heard his name and you were excited to see him everyday at school.

It was pretty early on but you knew that you were starting to like Mark, as more than just a friend.

*

Lucas jogged over toward Mark, sweaty and exhausted. He plopped down on the bench next to his friend and took a long swig from his water bottle. They’d been playing basketball for about an hour. “Ready to go?”

Mark nodded, standing up. “Yeah, let’s head back. I’m starving.”

Lucas stood too and they headed to the parking lot, in search of the car. Mark took out the keys to his parents’ car and got in. As Lucas got in the passenger, he said, “So what happened after we left last night? Did you tell her you like her?”

“Well we, uh, kissed...and I did tell her I like her.”

Lucas smirked. “So she likes you after all, huh?”

“I mean, I think so.”

“What do you mean, you think so? Did you ask her?”

“I mean I didn’t ask her directly.”

“So what the hell did you talk about then?”

“Well we actually didn’t do too much talking.” 

As soon as the words left Mark’s mouth, he regretted them. He knew that it sounded a lot dirtier than he meant. And he knew that Lucas would take it the wrong way.

Lucas’ eyes widened as he took it the wrong way. “You fucked her?”

Mark turned in his seat. “No, no! We didn’t have sex or anything like that. I know it sounds kinda weird but she brought me over next door to hangout because she didn’t wanna be alone and then she kissed me and then she wanted me to stay over and cuddle with her. So we cuddled and we both fell asleep.”

“Cuddle, huh? We all know what cuddling leads to…”

“Hey, just because that’s what you and Marina do doesn’t mean it’s the same for me and Y/N! When are you going to start dating her anyway?”

“Hey! Don’t change the subject! We’re not talking about me and Rina. When are you going to take Y/N on a date?”

“Soon. I’m just not sure what we should do. Got any date ideas?”

“Y/N is a pretty simple girl. What about a picnic at the park? You could go around dinner and watch the sun set.”

*

Mark was feeling extra excited today. He got to the bus stop a few minutes early, so he could rehearse what he was going to say to you. He’d rehearsed it a million times last night into this morning. Initially, he thought about texting it to you but he decided against it; he figured that asking you in person would be better.

He’d been texting you all weekend but he hadn’t hung out with you. Part of him was hoping that the two of you could hang out at least once but you’d been out with your mom all day yesterday. And he understood because your mom hadn’t had a Sunday off in a while. He was satisfied with the kiss you promised him over text messages. 

You snuck up on Mark without meaning to. He’d been so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t even see you coming in his peripheral vision. He jumped when you appeared in front of him, almost dropping his phone. “Shit!”

“Sorry,” you said, giggling, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s okay.” He sighed. “Ready for school?”

“I’m never ready for school.”

Mark chuckled. “Are you busy this weekend?”

You shook your head. “Nope.”

“Would you wanna go on a date on Saturday?”

Your face lit up at his words. That made Mark happy. “I’d love that.” You hugged him, wrapping your arms around him tightly. And when you pulled away, you gave him that promised kiss. 

That, of course, made Mark even happier.

***

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Fic Prompts: Star Wars Wednesday

Luke Skywalker and Nakari Kelen have a mission to the small resort world of Eos IV: a planet known for grass oceans and illegal podraces. They need to get close to the mayor’s daughter, a Rebel informant. The mayor himself, unfortunately, is a staunch Imperial loyalist. And there are other dangers besides the mayor.

“New racer? I don’t believe I’ve seen you here before.”

Luke turned and found himself looking up at the speaker. He was nearly as tall as a Wookiee! Between his cybernetic arms and a burn scar that stretched across one cheek to disappear under an oxygen mask, it was hard not to stare at the man.

“Ah! No, I’m afraid not,” Luke laughed sheepishly, “You need a pod and a sponsor to race, and unfortunately I have neither of those.”

“You sound as though you would race if you could,” the newcomer countered. Do you have any experience? Pod racing isn’t like swoop bikes, boy. Very fast, very dangerous.”

“Yes.” Luke nodded. “But there seem to be more rules about racer conduct here than on Tatooine. So, you know, less of a chance that one of your opponents will try to smash you against canyon walls.”

[[MORE]]

The man’s sparse eyebrows rose high. “Tatooine?” He sounded either dismayed, disgusted, or impressed. Tatooine did sort of tend to evoke those kinds of emotions. “Ever raced the Boonta Eve Classic, by chance?”

Nakari whistled. “The Classic? Oh stang, that one’s brutal. My parents never let me watch that race when I was little.”

“With good reason!” Luke grimaced. “A lot of racers die on that track -- only some because of other racers!”

He turned back to the stranger. “I’ve never raced the Boonta Eve Classic, though. My family, er, they didn’t want me catching the attention of the Hutts.”

The man nodded knowingly, and it almost seemed as though a hint of tension left his neck. “That is a reasonable fear, out there,” he said.

“My father raced the Classic, though.”

Luke couldn’t say for sure what made him so foolishly boast about his family. Maybe it was the excitement of being near racing again. Maybe he just wanted to impress his friend. Or maybe he was just proud to be the son of the only human ever to win the Boonta Eve Classic.

“Babe! You didn’t tell me your dad was a racer!” Nakari feigned up a pout, leaning heavily into the “rich girlfriend” act the admiral had suggested. “Is that why you offered to come to my drug rep meeting? And here I thought you were being supportive!”

Luke blushed crimson. “Okay, okay look-”

Nakari giggled. “Naw, I’m teasing you. I think it’s sweet you want to be like your dad. If you race half as good as you fly, I’ll bet you’ll be just like him.”

Her words were light and playful, but under the teasing cover, Luke could sense that Nakari really meant it. Too shy to say anything about it in front of a stranger, Luke settled for locking his fingers through hers. She squeezed back affectionately, and Luke blushed again.

The admiral’s warnings about not letting relationships distract them from their duties rang in Luke’s ears. Well, he reasoned, he was even closer to Han and Chewie and Leia and so far he hadn’t compromised any missions on their behalf. And it wasn’t like he and Nakari were engaged or anything. They were just...seeing how far they could build their friendship.

Besides, playing the Sappy Couple angle was a good cover, if an occasionally uncomfortable one.

Their grizzled companion moved to lean on the observation deck railing beside them. He glanced over at Luke with an eye that seemed to be hawk-gold one moment, and sky-blue the next, depending on the light. Probably glim-lenses. They were expensive novelties, but contact lenses that changed your iris color depending on lighting did make for effective espionage tools.

“You know, most humans can’t podrace,” the man mused, “Their reflexes aren’t fast enough. What does your father think of your racing ambitions?”

He raised a brow at Nakari’s wince and discreet head shake. The other brow joined it when Luke looked somewhat crestfallen.

“Um. Yeah, actually, that’s...actually my father um, died. I was just a baby, so I...I never got to know him.”

He was surprised to see genuine emotion on the stranger’s face. “I am...sorry,” the man said. “Racing can be very dangerous, even for the most experienced.”

Luke glanced at his scars again and wondered if the man was a former racer himself. It would certainly explain his injuries!

“Ah, no it’s…”

Something told Luke not to give away too much information. To keep his mouth shut. The Force, perhaps? But Luke felt that he couldn’t just let this man walk away with the impression that someone like Anakin Skywalker had died in a racetrack accident!

“He didn’t die racing. He was...it was...he died at the end of the Clone Wars, actually,” he corrected. “I don’t know when, exactly, but I heard it was one of the Separatist’s last stands. He fought for the Republic.”

The man seemed troubled by this. His respirator muffled more of his voice than it ought to have when he observed, “You sound as though you are very proud of him.”

With a bittersweet smile, Luke nodded. “I am. I wish I could have known him, but knowing he gave up everything to protect us? That kinda helps.”

He rubbed the back of his neck and gestured down to the track. “Maybe it’s stupid, but when I’m flying, or racing, it makes me feel...I dunno, it makes me feel a little closer to him, y’know?”

The man's eyes glowed.

thoughts on the wawwa finale? ur like the only blog I follow that posts abt it so I’m curious to hear ur thoughts👀

 I LOVED it. i think it is probably one of the best finales i’ve seen? Here are some assorted thoughts,. SPOILERS obviously:

-With the whole thing taking place in one evening before caitlin moves in a different sort of setting it felt really atmospheric and i think had MAJOR before sunrise vibes in the sense they were constantly racing against the clock to experience the show before dawn when they needed to go home in a really romantic cityscape and a lot of almost direct parallels in terms of some of shots and how they were framed. 

-the way caitlin and fraser’s relationship unfolds is really unique imo. you have a FEW other kisses/encounters they’ve had earlier on in the show and in the episode too and they all just feel sort of  forced and uncomfortable to watch and there’s a distinct. lack of feeling? so when they finally do find each other at the end it feels really really unique and tender like an inevitability, 

- i also love the little hints they drop through the epsiode things are sort of shifting with how they see their relationship, like fraser glancing at their hands at the train station and how intimate and giddy they are singing together on the train. And the real happiness you feel watching those moments feels so different from how you feel when you watch them trying to hang out with other people, like you just desperately want them to go back to each other, so it’s like the way it’s filmed makes you  come to the same realizations the characters do in real time. and the relief and sort of inevitability of like coming home you feel watching their performances (which are OUTSTANDING imo) in that last scene where they take off their hats and  fraser kisses caitlin’s face you realize there was no other ending that would have felt good? and you’re really in that moment

-I also think its so healthy and special and unique to acknowledge that romance, at its best is an extension and just like slightly different expression of friendship, and at their core theyre the same! i’m not sure i’ve ever seen a show (esp about young people, where drama and like....weirdly tension-filled situations and dynamics are glamorized) illustrate how much love should be something comforting and tender  and most of all built off just a really genuine, deep affection that comes first and foremost before any preconceived notion of romance? 

-I LOVE a good gay appropriation of a typical romantic trope, so when it became clear fraser was gonna pull a running to the airport to stop the other person situation it actually felt really meaningful, esp in a show typically SO subverting of norms and devoid off cliches this one felt rly natural and special bc it was so differernt in that way 

-ok so i was talking to my friend who i watch this show with and we’re pretty confident luca was imaginary? like fraser was making him up? from the extent he was like. a manic pixie dream boy extension of fraser who disappeared LITERALLY  THE MOMENT he realized he only wanted to be with cait and because of sort of the general weirdness of his character’s existence in general/the fact he appeared RIGHT AFTER fraser confessed he imagined mark. this plus the fact it was caitlins last night makes it seem natural to some extent he would have regressed into a fantasy world to not deal with the pain of losing someone who was closer to him than anyone else he had ever met? but then at the end  he realized their relationship even if it was fleeting or harper had to leave tomorrow was so much more valuable, and that he’d rather see the view with them for a few minutes than try and self medicate with fantasy. like it felt like a real solidification of the “right here right now” theme of the whole show, in that moment he chose reality even if it was just for a little bit because to actually experience a moment and the way you feel about someone is infinitely more important and worthwhile than escaping into fantasy to protect yourself from any hurt

- i think it’s so fuckin cool and radical how they CELEBRATE exploring and not fully having a word or label to put to cait/harper’s gender identity. like it’s something that’s encouraged and considered healthy they’re figuring it out and it’s not something that is like. tragically infused with ONLY pain or turmoil but also excitement!! and joy!! and joyful free expresssion fuck yeah!!! like  it didn’t feel right or completely natural to them to fall into these different labels and that’s just fine bc it’s joyful to fuckin  just express yourself and be on that journey and a lot of times it doesn’t fit into a binary or standard definition someone else made! i loved that i dont think ive seen that before in a tv show just so casually and naturally and like im full adult and felt rly inspired by it and am so happy kids have the opportunity to also maybe feel seen or like less alone because of it 

- the ending reminded me SO MUCH of the florida project?? like the moment he took off through the ending was just so magical and i really really enjoyed that. 

i’m sure i’m forgetting some stuff because i had. A LOT Of thoughts. but. here’s everything that came to mind Right Now

Brooklyn Nine Nine - Season 4 Retrospective

Finished season 4 just yesterday. So I have gone past the halfway mark. Still racing against time to finish in time for season 8. Anyways, with season 4, the show left off on a pretty big cliffhanger. So it was going to be interesting how they resolved. At this point, the show was pretty settled and knew its formula and characters. Season 4 is one of the more uneven seasons of the show in my opinion. Definitely still good but not quite as good the previous seasons in terms of consistency. There are outstanding episodes in the seasons, some meh episodes, and one or two clunkers.

First thing that was evident from how the season started was that the showrunners were now comfortable enough to start experimenting a bit with the formula. The show's greatest strength has been an outstanding ensemble, but Coral Palms Part 1 has only got Jake and Holt in the episode out of the series regulars. The setting is completely different with large parts of the episode outdoors. And its a winner. It has one of the best Holt moments of all time with Holt dancing at the Funzone at Derek's b'day party. Its kind of refreshing to watch Jake and Holt in different avatars. Heterosexual Holt is a hoot. The next two parts incorporate the rest of the squad and its a fun time though I think the first part is the best of the opening three parter. Maya Rudolph pops in as the Marshall in charge of Holt and Jake in witness protection and she's hilarious. Eric Roberts pops up as Figgis. He's not really used that much, something which is a recurring problem with guest stars this season.

Another thing that was evident was that this season was pretty dramatic and stressing for the characters by B99 standards. The season starts out with Jake and Holt in witsec, which results in them getting bumped to the Night Shift. Then they get audited and almost closed down due to a vengeful ex, Terry gets racially profiled, and then the season ends with Jake and Rosa being framed for robbery and sentenced to Prison. Pretty dark season for B99. As a result, there is a bit of a tonal issue at times since B99 in essence is such an optimistic show, something which I genuinely love about it. Some of The Night Shift episodes are fun. Unfortunately, Halloween IV got spoiled because they ruined it in one of the ads. But its still a solid Halloween episode, although not necessarily one of the top Halloween episodes. There are a series of episodes in the middle of the season that are a bit mixed. Mr. Santiago I was pretty excited for with Jimmy Smits being cast, but I don't think they made great use of him. Skyfire Cycle is fun although it recycles the 'don't meet your heroes' theme that we have seen with Jake and Holt in seasons before. The highlight of the episode is the iconic 'BONE!' moment from Holt, which is one of the funniest scenes on the show. The Overmining is an episode that isn't that great. CJ is one of those characters that was a bit too cartoony even for this show. The incompetence of the character got beyond the level of what I could believe. Also, the B story had Gina at her most grating. Captain Latvia was kind of ok.

The season picked up again with The Fugitive two parter. The first part again did a lovely job showing the growth in Jake and Amy's relationship and how they have influenced each other, from little mannerisms like Amy saying 'cool, cool cool' and Jake reading Harry Potter because Amy loves it so much. These little touches to the relationship is what makes the relationship so healthy. Part 2 is a great Judy episode. Possibly my second favorite after the season 2 PB episode. Seeing Jake and Judy with Holt was a fun dynamic. The show also ventured into more serious social issues in a more overt manner with Moo Moo which is some of Terry Crews' best work on the show. I think the episode did a great job balancing out giving the episode the seriousness it deserves as well as having the humor. There is the three parter arc dealing with the precinct being shut down. The Audit and The Last Ride were pretty great. Serve & Protect was kind of meh. The episode didn't use Nathan Fillion to his full comic potential.

There are a few fun and breezy episodes between the story arcs. Cop Con and Chasing Amy are a lot of fun. Your Honor and The Slaughterhouse also do a lovely job fleshing out the relationships with Holt and his Mom and Jake and Rosa. Then we get into the final two parter which is maybe the bleakest the show has ever been. While I did find it an interesting idea, I feel that it wasn't very believable that Jake and Rosa got implicated so easily and that Holt couldn't testify at all. It was a huge cliffhanger and while we all knew that Jake and Rosa would be fine, it was interesting to think about how they would get out of it. But its the grimmest note any B99 season has ended on. The season was still a lot of fun. Even with the minor inconsistencies, the show was better than 99%(heh heh) of the shows out there and the highs were still really high and the season gets credit for breaking with formula and dealing with slightly darker and more serious material. Still, I rank it around a 8/10.

AN ~ for @teamengineering’s Fitz Wish List, celebrating the birthday of our favourite engineer! This one is for the prompt, “a picture of space”, and looks through this lens at Fitz growing up, from the known past to the near future. It gets a little angsty in the middle but is pretty sappy fluffy either side, so enjoy!

Cosmos is a Greek word for the order of the universe... It implies the deep interconnectedness of all things. It conveys awe for the intricate and subtle way in which the universe is put together. - Carl Sagan.

tw: some canon compatible internalised ableism in part iii

Read on AO3 (~2800wd)

-

Something Magnificent

i –

Despite all the troubles in his household of late, ten-year-old Leo Fitz was still young enough that Christmas was a snow-shrouded wonderland of peace, happiness and joy. In socked feet, he raced across the cold wood floors to the carpeted lounge and dived for the tree, thrilled by mystery, excitement, and the sense of reward that came from tearing the packaging off his gifts.

This particular Christmas, his father was absent, but his mother was side-stepping through a litter of toys to bring them each a cup of hot chocolate. As always, she was there for him – although, today, she pressed her lips closed, her smile disappearing for a moment as Fitz ripped open the biggest package at the back, and cried out in delight.

“Mum!” he yelped, because of course he assumed that she had not yet seen it. “It’s space! Look, look, it’s the Milky Way –“

He stumbled, trying to drag the relatively large frame over toward her. She picked it up to help, and a letter slipped out from where it had been wedged into the back of the frame. Fitz saw it straight away, his eyes caught by the movement, and scooped it up with a curious frown. His mother already knew what it held, but held her tongue as he read out the words.

Dear Leo,

I am sorry to tell you that I was unable to arrange for you to go to Space Camp with the older boys and girls next year. I hope you will accept this picture for your wall as a placeholder and a promise that I will do my best to get it for you next Christmas instead. Also, remember that sometimes things do not always work out how we might want them to, but might come to us in unexpected ways.  

Merry Christmas. Love, Santa.

Fitz frowned down at the page. Sadness and anger flooded through him briefly but he stayed still, letting the tears fill his eyes and repeating to himself that it was important to stay still and not throw things when he was mad. Especially when people meant well. He didn’t want to be ungrateful, even though he was.

His mother pulled Fitz in for a hug, and took the paper from between his fingers so that he’d focus on her instead.

“I’m sorry, love,” she murmured. “How about we go out to the hill this weekend and you can tell me some of the things you know about space?”

“Okay,” Fitz agreed reluctantly.

“This is a nice picture too, isn’t it?” his mother reminded him. “And I know just where to put it. Just by your door there, don’t you think? Then you can always look at it and remember where you want your life to go.”

“I want to go to space,” Fitz declared.

“Do you want to be an astronaut?” his mother asked.

“Hmm.” Fitz pouted thoughtfully. “No.”

Apparently satisfied with that answer, Fitz cast his eyes to the next package, which turned out to be a kit for the assembly of a clockwork spider. Proud and confused – which was a common combination when it came to her son – Fitz’s mother settled for watching him play, and trying to follow along with the instructions while Fitz tipped out the box’s content and raced ahead with the construction, free-hand.

ii –

The dormitory was small, but its paint and bed linen were fresh and it smelled, if a little dusty, like success. Fitz beamed as he set his bag down inside the door. It was nothing special to look at, but he was a poor boy from Scotland with a fistful of the biggest burrito he had ever seen, and an MIT acceptance letter burning a hole in his backpack. He felt more special and more proud than he could remember feeling in his life. And it helped that, as the youngest student here by a good few years, he had this room all to himself.

(It helped even more, the privacy, when the pride faded and he realised that while he’d never made it to Space Camp, the United States felt just as far from home. He and his mother had scraped together every penny they could muster to get him here. There was no going back. There was probably no seeing his mother again either, not before he started earning real money – and who knew how long that would take).

Gangly, baby-faced teenage Fitz curled up on his bed and cried for a while, as all of that sunk in - but then he remembered the picture of space. Blessings in unexpected places. A reminder of where he wanted his life to be going. And now, a piece of home that he could carry with him into the unknown. He took a deep breath, and unfurled to look for it.

His suitcase had been brought in already, by a well-meaning RA. It sat in the corner waiting for him. The picture of space was rolled up in a cardboard container inside, with its frame carefully deconstructed to save space. With love, and meticulous care, Fitz put his precious picture back together and searched for the best place around the room that he could keep it. In the end, since he was not allowed to screw or stick anything to the walls themselves, he settled for propping it on top of a low bookshelf, where he could see it well from the kitchenette if not the bed. He leaned back against the small bench and smiled at it. The room was barely two meters wide, and everything in it was a kettle, a picture of space, two small bags and a small boy, but it was his, and it was him, and here they all were.

“One day,” he said, turning the words over on his tongue and in his mind. “I’m going to go to space.”

It had been a strange, abstract dream of his, ever since he was a kid. Now he was living in the hallowed halls walked by some of the greatest minds the world had ever seen. Maybe he was foreign, maybe he was young, but something about him belonged here. Something about him was taking the first steps to turning his abstraction into a reality. Maybe he wouldn’t go to space after all – he was scared of heights, and was not a fan of high G-forces or terrible food – but maybe he could send a part of himself. A piece of his work: a rocket, or a satellite, or a space station.

The possibilities seemed endless, now that he was on his way.

iii -

“Have you seen – have you seen my – “

Fitz turned this way and that, but most of the others had been taught to ignore him. His hands flapped desperately, stress and exasperation rising and rising at the ceaseless movement and invisible words around him. He tried to gesture what he meant, but a square could mean anything. Where was his – why were they touching his things? Where were they going? Where was space? Space! The picture of space. That’s what it was called. Picture, picture.

“This one?” Skye offered it to him like a treat to distract a dog, but it worked. She was a familiar voice in an unfamiliar sea, and for once, her eyes were keenly focused on him. Bright and shining, hopeful – perhaps a little too hopeful, putting on a show for him - but curse it, it worked. Fitz noticed her body unclench with relief as he took the picture from her, and she led him away from the crowd of technicians and troops, who were marching all of their belongings out of the Bus in endless streams.

Hugging the picture of space to himself as best he could, Fitz whined.

“Why?”

“Well, we live here now,” Skye explained, gesturing around the base. “It would be silly to go all the way in there and back out again every time you wanted to go to your room, wouldn’t it?”

I’m not five, he wanted to remind her, but there were so many more important things. Like why, and why, and why had Jemma left and not taken her things and not said goodbye and not been here to build their lab and fill it how she liked and why did everything hurt? And why, and why, and why?

“Why.”

He whispered it this time, and Skye thought he must mean something that she did not understand. She pursed her lips. Should she move away?

“I’m sorry, Fitz,” she said, hating that neither of them could find the words when they needed them most. “This is how it is now. But it’ll be okay.”

Fitz took a deep breath and looked down at the picture of space. Usually, it brought light to his dark thoughts, expanded his mind, helped him to see his own possibilities. Now all he saw was a fading canvas, purchased years ago by a well-intentioned but under-resourced single mother who had thrown everything she could into making her son’s dreams come true, and he’d wasted that. He’d wasted his possibilities by trusting someone who should not have been trusted, and by going and getting himself blown up, so that his brain stopped working and everyone stopped listening and he’d never get anywhere now. He’d stalled mid-flight and was falling backwards, and there was nothing he, or anyone, could do to stop it.

“Hey, Fitz?” this time, it was genuine concern in Skye’s voice. Real softness, real heart, for the friend she’d once known. “Are you alright? Do you want some help?”

“You can’t help me,” Fitz growled, and before Skye could think of how to react, he stormed off to the room they’d given him, and shoved the canvas into that thin gap between the desk and the wall. Like him, it was worthless now. A faded, battered, hollow version of itself. It deserved to go unseen, unheard, and as far as he was concerned, it could rot in the dust and darkness forever.

iv -

Fortunately, the cosmos had other plans for Fitz and his picture of space. He found new friends, and a new sense of self. A new set of possibilities. He was different now, and didn’t want all of the same things he once had, but not because he felt like he didn’t deserve them. He simply had to accept how much he’d changed now, not just since the Pod, but over the course of his whole life. His eyes were not set to the stars anymore but rather, on the things that rained down from said stars every day. He wanted to help – people, Shield, the planet, the world - space or no. And so the picture became, to him, a symbol of the expansion of the mind. Of discovery. Of aspiration. He pulled it out of hiding and it presided over the steps he took toward other dreams in his life.

Like toward Jemma.

She’d always liked space, even more than he had. She’d continued with stargazing and constellation studies into adulthood, and still kept up with news from NASA and the Bureau of Meteorology in what spare time she had. She’d even had a go at studying solar and stellar patterns on Maveth and that, Fitz thought, was dedication. Plus, he still liked to think of her as a light in the darkness of his life. Perhaps not his only light – that he’d had to realise the hard way – but a light nonetheless; radiant and inspirational and breathtaking. She was his star.

(Funny, he thought, the way these things lined up.)

And they’d sat before the picture of space any number of times before. It had hung above the television in their shared flat during their Academy years. It had been propped up in a bookshelf on the Bus that had become filled with mementos of Peru and Beijing and Manila and them, them, them expanding their horizons together, just as Jemma had promised. It had been hidden when she had gone, and it had risen again in time for her return, and now it shone its wisdom and blessings down upon them and Fitz bumbled over the many ways he’d failed to tell her how he’d felt, and she kissed him. She kissed him with a smile on her lips, and a promise in her hands and her eyes and her heart, that this time she was here to stay. That here, now, this was their best first kiss. Their real first kiss. The start of something.

(“Though I suppose you have been to space now after all, haven’t you?” Jemma pointed out not long after this, and elbowed Fitz playfully. Fitz frowned at the fading canvas, as if studying it carefully, and then turned a sappy smile on Jemma.

“Didn’t do much for me, to be honest,” he replied. “I’ve got everything I need right here on the ground.”

Jemma rolled her eyes, but for the rest of the night they worked with their hands linked together under the sheets of the bed they shared).

v –

“… Happy Birthday to you!”  

Obligingly, Fitz leaned forward and blew out the candles. The audience applauded and snapped their pictures, and cheered; Happy Birthday-slash-housewarming! But it was Jemma who stepped up for the first gift-giving.

Her parcel was long and tall and laid flat, and Fitz frowned at it curiously. Today was not Fitz’s actual birthday; that day, Jemma had already blocked out with him to go somewhere special. Anywhere away from here, he’d assumed. He hadn’t been expecting a second gift from her, especially not with the costs of moving on their minds (and wallets). Perhaps it was a gag gift? If so, the mature plain-silver wrapping was a little misleading.

The sound of Elena’s huff of amused frustration alerted Fitz to the fact that he was taking his sweet time to open the present. He smiled at her and Mack, and ripped the paper obligingly, and then his jaw dropped at the beauty of the picture frame beneath. It was not a gag gift at all, but a wedding photo. Was it one of the professionals? He couldn’t remember having it taken, but it certainly looked the part.

It was a beach scene. At night; calm dark water reflected the stars above and around them. Two figures sat on the end of a jetty, their feet dangling over the edge, looking out over the ocean: one being himself, and the other Jemma, in her wedding dress, leaning against him as the long day and the chill of the evening sunk in. They’d been eating chips, if he remembered correctly.

“Okay everybody, party’s over,” Daisy declared, choking up a little. “Jemma wins the gift game, thanks for your entries but it looks like we can all go home.”

“No, no,” Fitz shook his head, and wiped his eyes just in case he had teared up too. “It’s beautiful Jemma. I love you.”

“I thought it was a bit of a risk,” she confessed. “I thought it could hang above the mantle or… maybe by the dresser? But I didn’t want you to think I was trying to replace… “

He shook his head again. “Jemma, it’s perfect.”

For a moment, everyone in the room disappeared but the two of them. They kissed; a soft and sweet and lingering kiss that made the world seem to spin around them. When they parted, it was to smiles and admiration, and even tears in the eyes of a few onlookers. Coulson raised his glass of champagne in a toast to them.

“I couldn’t be prouder of these two,” he declared. “And I couldn’t be happier that through all that they have endured, these fine young agents came out the other side to be here today. So even though the Daisy in me is telling me to say ‘get a room’, I’m reminded that well… they have, and that’s why we’re here. So, happy birthday-slash-housewarming, FitzSimmonses, and – hey, I couldn’t get the moon to shine just right on a Kodak moment, but I did get you one of those fancy blender things, and hopefully that’s pretty close.”

He gestured to a large, irregularly-shaped contraption that was very conspicuously wrapped, and Fitz and Simmons laughed along with the crowd. The gifts that came down the line after that were somewhat more mundane, but they received each with joy and gratitude. Just like the original picture of space, Fitz thought, Jemma’s represented a galaxy of love and commitment and opportunities in his life that was only possible because of everybody who was here today. Though a humble toaster and a spanner and an iron didn’t seem like much on their own, his friends were helping him build a life with a woman he loved, and really, he couldn’t have dreamt of anything better.

Hyper-fixations!! (aka- my stan list)

yo so I've realized I always hyper-fixate on characters in media that I either relate to, wish to be like, or draw comfort from.... so bc I'm bored here's some peeps in this category:

•Taako (The Adventure Zone Balance) - want to be like - openly himself, multidimensional, fully realized creation, loved by many, charismatic, in a good and healthy relationship (thats also so supportive and cute and god wheres my gf version of kravitz???), unapologetic, went through some shit and came out different and with issues but is still just good, loves family, passionate

•Angus McDonald (The Adventure Zone Balance) - comfort character - hes just a sweet lil guy who just loves his weird found family and is just so smart and precious and i love him with my whole soul and being, makes me smile whenever he pops up

•Magic Brian (The Adventure Zone Balance) - comfort character - can never fail to make me laugh and smile

•Hurley (The Adventure Zone Balance) - relate to - a small ball of energy, typically a rule follower but likes to stray away sometimes, a gay!!, lowkey likes to race in my jeep (its only with my one friend and its not a legit race but we say it is and its v fun)

•Carey Fangbattle (The Adventure Zone Balance) - relate to / want to be like - tiny but big personality, a gay!!, fiesty, sneaky, tough cookie, loves a tall butch girl (i do not have a tall butch girl to love but maybe someday!!), badass little rogue (i wish)

•Virgil "Anxiety" Sanders (Sanders Sides/Thomas Sanders) - relate to - anxious ball of something, many people consider cute although deny it / dont believe it, self deprecating!!, needs a hug, tries to be intimidating but fails, the mom™ friend

•Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe) - relate to - felt lost, felt ostracized from friends (sometimes true sometimes not - gee, cognitive distortions are a bitch), found people and felt comfortable and at home with them, found family, self deprecating, separates self to not get hurt, wants to protect but also avoid, sad™

•Peridot (Steven Universe) - comfort character - had genuine growth as a character which is nice to see, is silly but also can be serious, makes me smile whenever i see her

•Howl (Howl’s Moving Castle) - relate to / want to be like - very much himself, overdramatic af (drama queen and a diva), sees the best in people, cares based on personality rather than looks (calls an old lady beautiful bc she has a good heart), a versatile lgbt (looks and acts like a gay but dates a pretty girl, the dream ngl), fashionable af and dyes hair fun colors

•Calcifer (Howl’s Moving Castle) - relate to - sassy little bitch, underappreciated until absolutely needed, small and typically seen as tame but can have a big personality at times

•Sophie Hatter (Howl’s Moving Castle) - relate to / want to be like - the odd one out, seen as ordinary, never the pretty one but always the average or forgettable one, always someone better and not often liked, when liked its always true and based on a beautiful personality, finds real love in an unlikely situation (wheres my love in life?), makes own path and doesnt care what people say/think, ambitious, does what needs to be done even if its hard, comforting maternal presence but also dominant and assertive when needed, gets shit done

•Kiki (Kiki's Delivery Service) - relate to / want to be like - is an outsider but finds her place eventually, inexperienced but trying her best, works hard in all she does, makes something of herself (i hope someday thats me), makes the best out of a bad situation

•Stitch (Lilo & Stitch) - relate to - lost, searching for home and family, feel constantly different from everyone else, runs away from problems before finally solving/fixing them

•Baymax (Big Hero 6) - comfort character - was there for hiro and did whatever possible the whole movie to help him (learning about grieving, sacrificing, etc), and there was a time in my life that I really needed that presence and didn’t have it that way at the time, but now 14 years later I’m in a much better state mentally but baymax still makes me cry bc he reminds me of stuff™, (tbh i got to “meet baymax” at disney when i was 16 and lowkey was so excited and cried a bit, and my friend bought me a stuffed animal baymax that afternoon for my birthday and i sobbed and carried it around in my bag for the rest of the trip)

•Hiro (Big Hero 6) - relate to - ((this is gonna get sad sorry ://)) so like hiro i lost a sibling (however i was much younger than hiro and my sibling was younger than me) in a way that it was inflicted by someone else but was “unintentional/collateral” and i didnt really deal with it for a while until i actually got help and started doing things again to get back into normal life. i sob beginning to end during bh6 bc i feel for hiro and i know what hes going through and what its like and it sucks

•Alice (Alice in Wonderland) - relate to - gets lost in own head a lot, kinda a wonky imagination, doesnt follow own advice (”i give myself very good advice, but i very seldom follow it”), happy doing own thing until lost or lonely which then leads to fear and anxiety, doesnt know who to trust, trying to find something that isnt easily found

•Oswald the Lucky Rabbit (Disney) - relate to - ((please look up oswalds story if you dont know who he is- in brief terms, he was a cartoon walt disney made and abandoned when he made his own studio (c. 1920s) and was replaced by mickey and was forgotten about until 2006)) cast aside, forgotten about, replaced, wants to belong

•Carson Phillips (Struck by Lightning) - want to be like / relate to - snarky and sarcastic bitch, does what he needs to in order to get shit done, a “penetrating personality” (literally a quote from the mf book), ambitious, goals bigger than anyone thinks they should be, makes morally ambiguous decisions to get what he wants

•Veronica Sawyer (Heathers) - relate to / want to be like - got some shitty friends who we dont really like but stick around with for convenience or something, has ambitions in life, stands up for what she believes in and for injustice and is generally a brave badass (i wish i was)

•Heather McNamara (Heathers) - relate to - lost, follows “friends”, tries to fit in with those around, sad™

•Elizabeth Swan (Pirates of the Caribbean) - want to be like - brave, stands up for what she believes in even if it might get her killed, tough (literally the pirate king), does what she wants cause she a bad bitch, tough, literally so pretty??, found true love in an unlikely place at an unlikely time, literally got married while fighting next to her true love vs the undead fish pirated while the ship is stuck in a whirlpool, badass af

•Kurt Hummel (Glee) - want to be like / comfort character - open about who he is, fashionable af, in the actual cutest couple on glee yall can fight me about it, learned to love himself then never stopped, a sassy queen always (i have so many of his mannerisms smh), went from cute twink to muscle boy and wow we love a glow-up, went from being bullied into submission and scared to being open and standing up for others even if he gets hurt, always made me smile, first real lgbt person i saw in the media and helped me embrace myself fully

•Klaus Hargreeves (The Umbrella Academy) - relate to - outcast, lotta mental health issues, music lover and bad dancer, headphones always on, bad experiences and trauma formed self, kinda lazy

•Vanya Hargreeves (The Umbrella Academy) - relate to - pushed aside, never a priority, taken advantage of, has own skill no one acknowledges, sad™

•Elphaba Thropp (Wicked) - relate to - cast out, different from everyone else, unique in own way, never the pretty one

----------------------------------------------------

and some honorable mentions of real people I connect with comfort and strive to be like in my day to day life (like ive taken on a lot of their mannerisms or sayings):

•Patrick Stump (Fall Out Boy) - literally the sweetest person ever, super talented in so many different ways, so positive and inspirational (esp about mental health)

•Gerard Way (My Chemical Romance, Umbrella Academy) - always accepting of people (esp lgbt!! gay rights!!), multi-dimensional, versatile talents (singer, song writer, artist, comic book writer)

•Mitch Grassi (Pentatonix/Superfruit) - so openly himself, genuine, verbal about mental health (esp anxiety and depression), phenomenal singer, so kind to everyone, unique, fashionable, sassy as hell, lgbt!!, shows dreams can come true

•Chris Colfer (Glee/Author) - super talented (singing, acting, writing), lgbt!!, snarky as hell, super sweet but also super funny, (tbh ive stanned him since like 2012 and hes the only celeb ive ever met and i will always stan that man)

•Hayley Kiyoko (Singer) - lesbian jesus, came out even though she was told it could ruin her career, so truly herself, open about lgbt issues and mental health, positive towards everyone, encourages everyone to open up and be unapologetically themselves

•Eugene Lee Yang (Try Guys) - authentically himself, isn’t afraid of what people thing, does his own thing even if its different and odd to some, lgbt!!, a shady bitch in the best way, has his own style and kills it always

•Daniel Howell (Youtuber) - open about mental health and most recently his past as well as lgbt experience, can make you laugh and cry at the same time somehow, more talented than he thinks he is, shows you can get through anything

.. out of my fucking mind again

26 Nov 17 I wrote this like a suicide note but I’m not going to kill myself, just trying to really get everything out of my system I know this is incredibly selfish of me, but I probably deserve to do one thing for myself. I hope after this, you will be able to live a little comfortably and have the types of holidays you’ve always wanted Joyce. I know Ive never been one to celebrate anything so I’m sorry Ive wasted your time for the past 4 years. I was really happy with you and I thought we would grow old together, Im sorry I didn’t see how much I was pushing you away and making you despise me. I was so hurt when you came home from tech school, when I was crying and I would look in your eye, they were so empty and I just saw frustration and disgust for me. Im sorry I have to inconvenience everyone again one more time but hopefully this will be the last time unless I fuck this up like everything else in my life. I hate the way I see myself in the mirror, Im so gross and I hate the way people talk to me as If I am a man. Its gross and I hate when people are seeking some weird validation from me about their masculine tendencies or habits. Being transgender has already destroyed my relationship with the person I’ve loved for a long time and I don’t know if I could survive it tearing another person I love away from me. Ive tried to be ok with the direction our relationship has gone but it hurts. It might have been so much easier to just keep everything to myself and just be happy with what life gave me. It hurts every day and theres nothing I can do to fix that and it sucks and I hate myself for the way I feel. Her laugh was always my favorite, ,the last time I remember making her laugh and happy was when I teased her about how she recited her phone number over the phone. That was the laugh I would think about when I would cry myself to sleep missing her. We never really had anything in common though, I don’t know why I was so in love. The way things ended made me realize what it felt like to really not be cared about, despite everything I was struggling with and trying to fix about myself. I started talking to Debs because she talked about a lot of things I had interests in and wanted to talk about that I’ve never been able to talk about before. She always had the best recommendations for books and movies and I enjoyed everything she ever recommended. We are both very broken people but I wish I could have been there for her more, she deserves better than she has to deal with now. I hope she is truly happy someday. If you can Joyce, please try to give some of my sgli to her, I want to be able to do something more for her. I wanted to be creative and I wanted to be an artist, I never put in the work or time I needed to though I just failed and I had to drop out of school to join the Air Force. It was exciting at the beginning, but then I hated myself more and more and I was always tired and I hated waking up to put on the same uniform every day. Then somehow we got this clown on a president who doesn’t really give two shits about anyone other than himself and I really just lost all motivation, what is the point of anything when someone who will run the country into the ground somehow gets voted into office. I feel like I’m a smart person and that I understand people and I get along with them very well. People gossip to me all the time and tell me things for reasons I don’t know, maybe somehow they know I won’t tell anyone else, maybe I just give off that friendly of a vibe. I get it though, I empathize with people very strongly, when I hear other people criticize something, I get confused how they can’t see it from another point of view. Im just rambling, Im afraid I will miss saying something important while I have the chance. Im going to miss a lot of people but I’ve had people enter and leave all my life and I don’t really have any long time friends anyways so whatever I guess. Im sorry that I pushed myself back into your life again debs just to leave so suddenly like this, I should have just kept to myself. I was forced to go to church almost all of my life but I can never really remember have any interest in it at all, but won’t it be interesting to see what the other side is actually like I don’t really see a future for me here, anywhere. I’ve always been bad with money, I’m impulsive with it, I just buy what I want and Joyce had gotten any about it with me but I besides the initial guilt I don’t really feel anything. If I stop now while I’m not in too big of a hole, I won’t be a burden to anyone else for much longer and I can still do some good for the people I love. I won’t be any use to anyone in the future when I’m completely dysfunctional. I wish I could have traveled, seen places outside of the US. Japan, Korea, London, Brazil, etc… 7 billion plus people in the world and I never got to see a fraction of it To my family also, I love you all, I really do. Im sorry I didnt talk to you more, I was always scared of what I might say and how you might respond, I have always hidden most of who I am and kept secrets just to fit in and to get the things that I thought would make me happy. Gender sucks and I don’t know anything about funerals but please at least they to keep It gender neutral and don’t invite too many people, I never talked to anyone so it feels like most people who would even show up would just feel in-genuine. Being referred to as a guy has made me feel uncomfortable for a long time so I always hoped no-one noticed when I said they/their whenever I was talking about myself in the third person. Referred to as a she would be nice too but whatever. Please take care of yourself Joyce and please just find happiness with someone who could provide you with what I couldn’t, you deserve the absolute best. Im really sorry Debs, I made you uncomfortable by getting too attached to you too fast, at first I was probably just trying to fill a void in my heart but after a few weeks, i would go through the day looking forward to talking to you about your ideas and your passions, I loved how you were chasing dreams and I wanted to be there for you to cheer you on. I know you deal with a lot of your own problems but it was more important to me to help you through those that dump all my bs onto you. I wish I could have done more for you, I hope you live a long and happy life and you get to fulfill your dreams and your goals. Your voice messages always made my heart race, your voice was so cool and attractive and your selfies in your button ups made you look so badass, you are amazing. Also, no-one looks better and more awesome in a leather jacket than you ------ Im not going to kill myself Im not that selfish. It is a very curious thing though. I wondered how writing a suicide note would make me feel and I feel ok I guess. Its not ok for me to be this selfish, I have always been selfish, doing things for myself and to get things for myself. Theres things I still forgot to write though. I never knew what it was like to be angry until I felt like I knew what it was like to be cheating on. If I try to think about everything from an outside perspective, I wasn’t the only one being selfish. I don’t think I deserve to be treated the way I was, We were married and we were partners, we owe each other more than a stupid text message to end our marriage. And to hide things like going on dates behind my back while I’m in this kind of depressive and anxious state. What the fuck. But it did make it clear to me how you felt and it made it easy to accept that you don’t give a good god damn about me despite what you try to tell me. Seeing the kind of guy you're with now made it clear what type of guy was your type, and it was very clear that me as a guy was not your type, what the fuck were we even doing together Suicide is a very scary thing and for some reason you’re not allowed to admit you’ve had thoughts about it or else you get locked up and whatever, all I did was cut myself before and I was in a mental ward for 3 days. I drank and take a ton of ambient to sleep the day away, I always feel better after venting and sleeping. 

  I guess this is how I start year 26… Im going to be the person I was always supposed to be and I am going to be happy someday, and hopefully I’ll be able to share my life with someone who will actually love me

Posted June 01, 2017 10:22:35

Photo: Gelding Bailey gets a ‘willy wash’ by vet Stuart Skirving. (ABC South East SA: Kate Hill)

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Rubber-gloved to the armpits, vet Stuart Skirving disappears under the back end of a heavily sedated and swaying horse and fiddles about.

Gelding Bailey, although practically asleep at the end of his lead rope, gives a noticeable jerk and the vet emerges triumphant.

“That’s the biggest I’ve ever seen,” exclaims the vet, proudly displaying a large waxy object on his gloved palm. “You’ll be able to pee better now mate.”

Extracting a ‘bean’, or a lump of hardened smegma from a horse’s penis, is the kind of job only a country vet can get excited about.

Photo: A bean, or hardened smegma extracted from a horse penis. (ABC South East SA: Kate Hill)

At Gambier Vets, a large practice in South Australia’s south-east, husband and wife vet duo Rebel and Stuart Skirving never know what emergency or creature will pop up in the daily appointment book.

A wombat off his food, a cat with a blocked bladder, and pigs with pneumonia are all on today’s list, along with the nuts and bolts of daily vet work — desexing, vaccinations and consultations.

A complex desex

Today’s most complex case involves young female kelpie Sheebah, in for spaying. Although it’s a routine procedure Ms Skirving has performed thousands of times, this dog will be no easy operation.

Twice before, Sheebah’s heart rate has dropped dangerously under anaesthetic and vets have had to put off her surgery.

Today, the dog is being monitored on a state-of-the-art anaesthetic monitoring machine to ensure she’s not ‘too light’, which could mean she wakes up under anaesthetic.

Photo: Third time lucky for Sheebah, a young kelpie in for spaying. (ABC South East SA: Kate Hill)

The dog delivers an ominously dirty look sideways at Rebel as the vet tries to inject a pre-med sedative.

As a preventative measure, Rebel slips a muzzle on her to protect both her and the assistant holding the dog.

The words “she’s never bitten anyone” are treated with a certain touch of irony today, considering Rebel’s weekend battle scars.

A cat with paralysed hind limbs rushed to the clinic for emergency treatment had decided the vet’s digits were fair game.

“Without warning, the cat sunk it’s teeth into the fleshy part of my hand right up to it’s gum line,” she said.

Suddenly, the vet was the one dripping blood all over the surgery floor.

Photo: “Every day is different,” says vet Rebel Skirving. (ABC South East SA: Kate Hill)

After euthanasing the cat due to its injuries and dealing with another emergency case, it was 2:00am. Although her arm was aching and sore, Rebel chose a few hours’ sleep instead of a doctors opinion.

But in the morning, the throbbing bite site was looking grim and there were angry red lines spiralling up her arm.

Her doctor sent her straight off to hospital where she was told she had developed septicaemia, or blood poisoning.

After a short stint on the IV, duty called and Rebel discharged herself to go and look after her animal patients with a little help from her children and one thoroughly amused husband.

“After 16 years as a vet, it was the first time an animal had put me in hospital,” she said.

A one-eyed pug

Photo: Uno the one-eyed pug gets his nails trimmed. (ABC South East SA: Kate Hill)

Today, a steady procession of canines are streaming into the clinic. Two elderly father and son pugs, Sam and Uno, come in for their six-week ‘mani-pedi’.

In some dogs, it’s easy to confuse the tough nail with the highly sensitive nail bed and clip too far in, hence the reason for their regular visits.

Uno, who has broken his hip twice and is minus one eye, is nicknamed the $9,000 dog by his owner Beverley as they have spent so much money on him during his nine years of life.

“At one stage he even had his own credit card,” she quips.

Photo: Racing greyhound Mike comes in for draining of his wound. (ABC South East SA: Kate Hill)

Rebel drains a vast pool of seroma from a large wound on the side of prize-winning racing greyhound Mike, who takes the needle in his side without so much as a whimper.

Although this owner is a regular, the Skirvings have noticed a definite rise in the number of owners bringing their racing dogs in for treatment during the past year, after the industry was rocked by the live-baiting scandal last year.

One reason may be due to Greyhound Racing South Australia, which has introduced a Track Injury Surgery Rebate Scheme, which reimburses 80 per cent of surgery costs for injuries sustained in the running of races.

In further good news for ex-racers, those injured greyhounds in the scheme are given priority entry into the Greyhound Adoption Program after their rehabilitation.

Companion and supersize pets

Purebred toy poodles Mocha and Mia are led into the examination room with Marilyn Gribble and her daughter Heidi.

Photo: Mocha the toy poodle gets an examination. (ABC South East SA: Kate Hill )

As Ms Skirving examines them, she listens patiently as Marilyn explains how the dogs have not left her side after Graham, her husband of 48 years, died suddenly last year.

“They follow me everywhere,” she tells the vet. “I think they’re protecting me and watching that I am okay.”

“They’re not just dogs or companions. They are family.”

The position of many animals in society, be it a horse, rabbit or cat, is vastly undervalued in many cases, the vet believes.

“If that animal is someone’s companion, there is so much more to that animal than being just a pet,” Ms Skirving said.

“It’s someone’s life. Those animals have personality and character and they hold a lot of emotional significance to people.”

Impervious to such matters, Mocha lifts his leg and slyly pees on the table leg.

Photo: Around two or three dogs a day are desexed at the surgery. (ABC South East SA: Kate Hill)

Of course, then there are those owners who spoil their companion animals a little too much, one of Ms Skirving’s bugbears.

“Obesity is the most common form of neglect I see,” she said.

Just like their human counterparts, supersize pets can suffer from serious health problems such as heart, liver and kidney complaints, diabetes and a reduced life span.

Not surprisingly, the incidence of obesity in pets gets higher the fatter their owners are and Rebel said most people are not keen to hear they are the reason for their pets widening proportions.

“I tell them overfeeding them is just as detrimental as underfeeding.”

Blood, guts and gore

On a mild and sunny Sunday afternoon, a farmer snaps a few shots of a blood-spattered Rebel Skirving and vet nurse Teagan sitting in a paddock. Rebel is pulling bits of a dead calf from a cow and Teagan is dealing with a prolapsed uterus in another cow.

Deciding to introduce their Facebook followers to the delights of a ‘fetotomy’, a fancy word for cutting up a dead calf inside a cow, Ms Skirving said she was surprised to see the graphic images become one of their most popular posts.

The Skirvings have never shied away from showing those keen to see an accurate and honest look at daily vet life.

Photo: “You need a very good washing machine,” vet Rebel Skirving says. (ABC South East SA: Kate Hill)

Many a starry-eyed young student has come to the clinic on work experience and has been shocked by the amount of “blood and guts and vomit and diarrhoea” the vets deal with on a daily basis.

“I like to be really honest with them about what to expect. There is a lot of cleaning involved,” she said.

“Especially being a country vet, you need a lot of changes of clothes and you need a very good washing machine,” she laughs.

“It’s mucky and filthy and smelly, but by the same token rewarding and challenging.”

Stuart Skirving, who was once told to “stick to animals” by a doctor after suggesting that a client’s broken foot was not actually broken, takes particular delight in grossing people out.

“If he gets to deal with a big abscess that explodes, he loves it,” Ms Skirving said.

Love and bad smells

It takes a strong relationship to endure the odd smells that a vet brings home and it is here where Rebel and Stuart Skirving count themselves lucky they’ve married into the profession.

The awful smell that lingers after dissecting dead calves in utero is particularly soap-resistant, Ms Skirving says ruefully, but her husband understands.

“When you come home smelling like something terrible and rotten, he’s not offended, because it has probably only been a few days earlier since he came home smelling the same,” she said.

The pair met while studying — a “first-year vet school romance” as Ms Skirving dubs it.

Twenty years later, their flock includes three children, a dog called Mo, 40 bantam chooks, 20 breeding cows and a bull.

“If you take an eyeball in a jar to a class of kids, it is amazing how many of them are genuinely intrigued to have a look,” Ms Skirving says.

The pair are often invited to career days or schools and have a golden tool in their vet arsenal — the surgery’s pathology collection of curiosities.

Photo: The surgery’s pathology collection includes bladder stones, cancerous lumps and aborted foetuses. (ABC South East SA: Kate Hill)

The strange assortment of objects floating in formalin-filled jars includes maggots, cancerous lumps, bladder stones, an aborted kitten, and malformed foetuses.

Among the horrified faces, a junior vet-in-the-making is quickly spotted.

“Some are fascinated, some are revolted,” said Ms Skirving, laughing.

Rex’s legacy

As the day ends, Sheebah is recovering nicely from her operation, Sam and Uno have gone home freshly manicured, and Bailey’s genital offering has been much admired and added to the collection.

As the phone stops ringing and the plaintive howls in the recovery room quiet for a moment, Ms Skirving is able to reach for her ever-present coffee flask and tell a story.

Although vets aren’t supposed to have favourites, there’s always one animal, owner or tale that grabs your heart and sticks fast.

Photo: Rebel monitors Sheebah’s heart rate on an ECG machine. (ABC South East SA: Kate Hill)

Rex was a feisty wire-haired Jack Russell who had been coming to the clinic for more than a decade, a much loved ‘only dog’ of a couple.

“He was certainly a character around the clinic and we developed a stronger and stronger bond with the dog and his owners,” she said.

As vaccinations and health checks on a young Rex gave way to illnesses and age-related injuries, the day came when Ms Skirving had to explain there was no more that could be done to keep the elderly and cancer-stricken dog alive.

Ms Skirving says the day Rex was euthanased was “heart wrenching” for both her and the owners.

A short time later, a gift from the couple arrived at the clinic.

They donated a large sum of money to buy a state-of-the-art anaesthetic monitoring machine for the clinic, vital life-saving equipment to be used for other pets.

It was a thank you for the many years of looking after their Rex.

Enjoyed this story? The country vet series continues on June 7 on ABC South East.

Topics:

veterinary-medicine,

rural,

human-interest,

mount-gambier-5290

1 June 2017 | 12:22 am

Kate Hill

Source : ABC News

>>>Click Here To View Original Press Release>>>

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