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I did it! Made it back home from my top surgery!!
#literally so unreal rn#like I can’t believe this happening for me like in real life#this is something I wanted and needed for so long like I’m so relieved that I don’t even know that to do with myself#I’m gonna focus on recovery and everything but then it’s kind of like well now what#I mean I’ll start working on the legal stuff but like this is such a major thing#like I’m actually awake and doing it#not in much pain yet tough just tight and sore#kept accidently like flexing/tensing up on the two hour drive home#so that probably doesn’t help lol#but man like I can’t even explain how much of a weird feeling this is#even though I’m all wrapped up in the bandages and sweaty and got the drains this is probably the most like happiest/relieved I’ve ever been#lik dam cis guys just feel like this every day#m talks#keep for ref#I should start a top surgery tag#mars.transgender operations#<- done lol
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free my complex female character, she did the same thing as complex male characters but the fandom takes Any analysis of her actions/choices/motivations that doesn’t strip her of all of her agency in bad faith and claims that only misogynists would dare to critique the things that they’ve noticed in her character because she’s a woman, completely ignoring the over-presence of discourse about similarly traited male characters in their fandom.
#exhausted by people categorizing CRITIQUE. not even genuine hate just literally basic analysis of imogen’s character#as a) hate at all but b) misogynistic simply because… they assume the person like caleb and percy uncritically like#i love imogen and i love her because she’s riddled with complexity that gives reason for her to be unlikeable#the shit ashton says makes me want to tear out my hair and i could write analysis on why but they’re still one of my favourite characters#i enjoy caleb but watching him infuriated me because of his self interest which is a coherent trait of his but is a tiring one#similarly with percy of love his pretentious Smartest In The Room shit but sometimes it meant he treated others more poorly than necessary#but i’m not unpacking all of that just so i have some fandom mandated right to say that i think there’s an aspect of a female character#that is imperfect in the human sense#because like. i will continue to call imogen’s self interested until the world burns and the moon shatters. because she is.#the only reason her choice to do good is compelling at all is because the choice to do otherwise is so tangible#it isn’t a Mistake or Fault that she’s self interested. it’s by design#like. she reaches towards the storm in curiosity in her sleep. but then she fights back when she’s awake#that’s it#that’s the dynamic. that’s what’s compelling#but no ur right fandom. let’s instead all agree that imogen is actually just intrinsically good#and take away all agency and complexity and humanity from her#and instead slap a sticker of Morally Good and enjoy the caricature of her where she’s made to fit into the imagine of#the latest aesthetic ad for diarrhoea medication#imogen temult#critical role#inspired as always by dumbass twitter posts that i’m subjected to because of school n work#the worst part is i do like the laudna n imogen dynamic in the stagnancy where it is but so much of that fandom is so clear in their erosion#of both characters actuality to suit the picture of Ship Tropes#like fuckin. so much of imogen’s fanart in imodna making her fat which as a fat person great love to see it#not so much when it’s clearly to make her short n stout against laundas tall n lanky.#anyway
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Y’all ever think about if Sora falls to darkness that inside his heart will look like the Destiny Islands falling again
#i do a lot#kingdom hearts#one of the biggest reasons i think we’ll see something like this in canon. briefly at least#not only would parallel ddd w ven’s heart/armor no longer there to protect sora#and roxas and xion gone from sora’s heart too. so sora would be alone#and actually there as opposed to in the RoL/awake when riku dives in#but also there is no way nomura’s gonna pass up the chance to bring us full circle like this. he loves making his characters revisit/relive#worlds and memories like this to make a point. and sora’s heart was sunset in ddd… following kh1 the dark and stormy night comes next#The thought of sora and riku reaffirming their love and friendship here when it broke the first time the islands fell#both of them having to in a way relive this horrible night for the final time#but riku doing the total opposite of last time. trying to save sora trying to stop the darkness from consuming everything#being totally honest with sora. reaching his hand out for sora but this time he’s not being consumed by darkness.#he’s become the light in the darkness. and they finally reach each other they finally grasp hands. I’m chewing on glass#i don’t think sora would ‘fall’ to darkness in the traditional sense#thematically i think it makes more sense for him to be faced w another martyr choice#though his own negative feelings would still be tangled up in there. and this would parallel kh3#and if sora chooses to let darkness into his heart to save others it’d also parallel kh1 w riku choosing to open the door/let the darkness#into destiny islands at the risk of others#god it’d be just like kh1 but we’d be playing as riku and he’d be the one looking frantically for sora#a reversed dynamic. but now they understand each other’s pain and feelings so they can reach each other#figuratively and literally#i love parallels i love symbolism i love themes kick my ass !!!!
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Rereading rwrb except I’m annotating it this time
HE WOULD NOT SAY THAT WITH A Z.
#rwrb#red white and royal blue#henry fox mountchristen windsor#firstprince#henry fox#mine#I literally. okay this has got nothing to do with henry actually but I SWEAR to gods hairy ass#I feel like every third sentence I have to stand up from my desk and claw my face off and whisper (ALEX YOU COMPLETE FUCKHEAD) into the void#HOW IS THIS MAN SO STUPID#HOW CAN YOU BE SO SMART AND SO STUPID AT THE SAME TIME#I mean we have the same personality and I relate to him a lot but also FUCK this guy#(affectionate. begrudgingly.)#ANYWAY it’s 3:30am and I should. put this book down.#I can be mad at Alex tomorrow when I am more awake#meanwhile I’ll just be over here. with my correct English spelling. stewing over the fact that Casey. made Henry say ‘apologise’ with a Z#I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL#(for the bit. I’m correct tho.)#(jsyk)
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the reason i’m not afraid of aging is because i want to be a hot middle-aged man who has a toxic yaoi relationship with another middle-aged man
#u know i used to be so afraid of aging until i realized that i want to be a dilf. now it’s kinda exciting#i realized recently that i could never picture myself living past my twenties until i pictured myself as a man#but like. i want to be a man and a woman and nothing and everything#but like. i’m cool with how i look now for the most part idk if i would want to transition physically at least not rn#and rn i still dress fem enough that everyone goes straight to she/her#and i like she/her but it hurts rn#bc some of my family has switched to they/them or it/its and it’s just so soothing#but family that knows i don’t like it still use she/her and phrases like ‘daughter’ or whatever even more often on purpose#and it hurts bc i don’t really feel the need to change the way i dress/look but i know everyone assumes she/her#when they see me in a dress or skirt. even w how very not-cis my fashion sense is#but also i fucking hate pants which is a separate thing (prob autism tbh) and even if i wore pants they’d still use she/her#thinking of changing my name to something very masc so i can confuse people enough that they’ll stop defaulting to she/her#and i haven’t told ppl outside my immediate family so idc if they use she/her but i’m fucking pissed when ppl in the family do it#anyways side note when i was 12 my ideal gender (b4 i knew about being non-cis) was a floating consciousness w no body#or a plastic-doll-like creation that’s smooth all over#… i still want to be a floating consciousness actually lmao. it would be great#back then i hated being a girl but i didn’t know there were more options and also i was socially isolated (didn’t leave home for like 2yrs)#and my mother was openly transphobic whenever the topic was brought up so that was my only real experience#but i didn’t really internalize it other than the fact that my mother would be rude if i ever happened to be not-cis and guess what? she is#anyways it’s like 2am and also i’m only awake bc i was captivated by a sugar daddy middle aged gay fic for a show i watched like 5 episodes#for 2 years ago#sorry for rambling in the middle of the night lol#gn y’all
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me and my friend have both gotten with the same guy at least once over the course of coming to uni which is all very funny between us two until she breaks the sacred code and i wake up to him IN MY FUCKING FLAT
#i got woken up at like 4am last night bc she came home from uni and I could HEAR that she had a lad with her#but I was so out of it i think I convinved myself it didn’t actually happen#now I’ve been awake on tiktok for a bit and our walls are STUPID thin#and I heard her waking up (slowly lmao bestie is going through it today) and out of nowhere I just hear a boy’s voice#LITERAL JUMPSCARE#and I was like… that’s not matt surely…#she’s doing this to spite me I’m sure of it#like a couple weeks ago she went on a course trip to new york with him#and she rang me at one point bc there was drama and halfway through the phone call she GAVE THE PHONE TO HIM#IT WAS MIDNIGHT HERE. I LOOKED LIKE SHIT#AND NOW HES IN HER FUCKING ROOM#the way we are passing this boy around. slutty of him tbh#hella goes to uni
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fatigue is soooo funny bc for seven hours straight you’re just not a person & then 6:00pm hits and you’ve written 400 words & gone on a walk & lifted weights
#like I am thinking I need to… change my routine? to accommodate for this???#the thing is I am a night owl who is also a morning person#so like I hate waking up early but I love being awake early#and I love staying up late#which means I don’t get sleep LOL tho lately actually I’ve been averaging the normal#<< amount but LIKE THE FATIGUE is so bad that it takes an entire#work day to feel like a functional human and it makes me SO GUILTYYYYYYYYY#anyway feeling good!!!!! wanna break out this sticky area of changing states & maybe do a little preptober work for SG#which I realize might just be rereading seventh virtue LOL or at least rereading the outline!!! cuz i forgot what plot points there are!!!!#I’m also doing Inktober so I’m gonna work on a piece 2nite!
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#it is 5 hrs past my bedtime and i am awake listening to Two Hearts by Dermot Kennedy on loop and crying over Rotating Shifts. again.#i couldn’t resist the urge to read the latest chapter any longer but i knew when i did i’d get like this#so Why did i wait for my period to roll around. i have made. a silly decision lmaooo#i’ve complained abt it before but i’m conflicted about how much more sensitive it makes me#my nightmares usually don’t make me cry but oh i was a Wreck this morning#so why i picked tonight to read the fic that always makes me cry is beyond me#i have never met a fic before that had me in such an intense emotional grip#and it’s fucking hilarious bc it’s not that intense of a story!! like yeah there’s been devastating parts but i’m out here having to-#-take a break every single chapter bc i’ll read one line that hits my inner child like a truck and i have to take a minute to recover#but the whiplash this fic gives me is so fucking funny and the range in the storytelling from comedy to tragedy is just.. *scream-cries*#it has my favorite characterization of Sun and Moon that i have ever seen#this chapter wasn’t even that sad i’m just Making myself sad about it#but on another level it also makes me sad in the sense that i don’t think i’ll ever be able to write something that good..#all that i want out of my writing endeavors is to make one (1) person feel as strongly and as much as RS makes me feel#and i don’t know if i can do that. i don’t know if my writing has what it takes bc i can’t even describe exactly what it is#i don’t think it’s a science that can be replicated. things either connect with someone or they don’t#the way Sun goes from worryingly innocent ‘wdym we can’t invite strangers to live with us?’ ‘wdym we can’t adopt an adult that needs help?’#to fucking. tearing an animatronic in half in a fit of protective rage and blocking access to all dating apps to prevent you from-#-finding anyone else bc he’s your Special Friend and he can’t have his Daydream falling for anyone else!! no no!!#it’s not a new concept but i eat it tf up when Sun is actually the one you should fear the most#like no i don’t think he’d hurt Reader but i dread to think of the things he would do For them#the back and forth between childlike innocence and terrifying intelligence possessiveness and physical capability is just mmmmm 100/10#and don’t even get me started on Moon. or i Will start crying again#he’s like yeah dumbass of course i’m gonna save you every time some POS man tries to **** you. of course i will you fucking crater-head#but i will complain at you about it the Entire way home and then i will steal your fucking toilet paper and pack you a raw egg for lunch#because i hate you 🖤 but Sun loves you and we would both kill for you 🖤 also i drank all of your chocolate milk 🖤 also i hate you :)#anyways i am paraphrasing obviously and dear god i hope no one who actually reads RS sees this bc i do not want my 2am ramblings taken as-#-any kind of Official Thoughtful Analysis of the story ok pls pls pls let me be insane abt my favorite fic without having to be articulate#i just have so many fucking FEELINGS about them. i am unwell.#i’m not even tagging this i’m just hitting post and going to sleep goodnight
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Oh my god. You know it’s getting bad when you start doing things you don’t even want to do to procrastinate on something you really do want to do.
It would be one thing if it were something like a hobby; but the thing I want to do is also extremely necessary to my life.
#Hhhhhhngh#for three weeks I’ve been doing this#I’ve had all the time in the world#and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m doing this out of a subconscious desire to prove to myself that I’m actually fucked up in the head#Which is already proof enough that I have that desire in the first place; but I keep going because it’s not enough#I only ever feel like I need care when I’m at my absolute worst#And suddenly after being so exhausted that I fell asleep at 7:00 some days; I’m staying up until 2:30 AM and waking up at 8:00???#and I feel fine and perfectly awake; but still can’t manage to get myself out of bed until 10:00 because Comfy#I sit and I read for an hour; then I go on my phone and emerge at 5:00 PM#If I go in the bathroom it takes forever to get back out because I end up talking to myself in the mirror about god knows what#I feel like I need some kind of… idk… very strong stimulant in me so I can actually care about things#not that stimulants work like that; but I need to have some kind of catastrophic life event… to get beaten up or something#something to put pure fear and concern in my veins#It is summer and there is almost no chance of me getting kicked or catching a football in the wrong place#and I don’t have to run right now either#I could do something#I know how#But even that is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation; because that ALSO makes me not want to do things#At least then I’d have a palpable (literally) excuse but uh…. I’m still kind of getting over the last time#I am on my phone all day and I recognize that’s bad; but the thing I need to do is to send an email… which is on my phone; so there’s that#hypocritical#idk there’s something about using limited supplies to deal with a problem that needs more and hoping for the best#it excites me#Makes me feel like a big boy who can handle serious situations#But if I create the problem then it means nothing except that I cannot handle problems at all#I should not have all the responsibilities I do because I am not entirely in my right mind#I am thinking about it though#It’s tempting#get behind me satan
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the “don’t perceive me / stop posting absolutely inane shit” tweet is sometimes (not always) me at rejectiom sensitive dysphoria twitter like a part of me doesn’t understand how you can say you are ruled by anxieties related to the approval of others and also go around in public proclaiming you believe yourself to have scientifically proven more intense feelings than almost the entire rest of the world. my personal niche and to be clear INSANE version of this is that if you claim low self esteem but also have birthday parties for yourself a part of me does not believe you
#actually in general a lot of times people who have talked about self esteem or other related problems do things that like#to me would require unfathomable amounts of self confidence#less so these days / less each year etc etc but#people really take for granted being normal about stuff i have definitely been too Fucking Nuts to even contemplate#although if i am forcing myself to be mature and wise#i guess there may be things about me other people would feel similarly about#like. ummmmmm#i have zero anxiety about cover letters and generally job hunting is not like#emotionally fraught for me#and job interviews are fine and can even be fun#i am also totally impervious to the opinions of genuine strangers#i don’t get embarrassed in front of random people i don’t know and don’t understand why anyone would#i also don’t really do the thing where i lie awake at night thinking about embarrassing stuff i’ve done#or overthinking interactions i had#ok. i think that’s my roster of reasons i could be accused of faking low self esteem#oh i also think i’m a good writer and don’t cringe reading my old writing. that’s a good one
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crazy how when I’m sober I do get tired but it’s just my brain can never stop thinking and thinking so I can’t fall asleep whereas if I weren’t sober I’d have fallen asleep an hour ago and wouldn’t wake up till my alarm goes off :/
#how do I stop overthinking though bc it’s like#it’s been like this my entire life I’ve always had a difficult time with sleep#it really does take me forever to fall asleep and I actually only sleep for like 2 or 3 hours a time then I’m awake and can’t go back#idk man something needs to change like#I want to stay sober but then I just don’t get any sleep if I do :/
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I didn’t sleep at all last night so work bestie tucked me in on the couch in his office 🥺
#it’s actually so sweet he’s been taking calls outside his own office and gave me his little plush audrey ii as a pillow#and nobody else has come to bother me about why i’m not doing work ❤️#going on like hour 37 of being awake no i do not know why#i'm gwen and i approve this message
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act 2…. done?
#idk if it’s actually done or not but whatever#i’m going to sleep since i’m getting brunch with friends tomorrow at an hour earlier than i am normally awake#but yes i killed ketheric and lifted the shadow curse ig?#it’s not entirely gone yet but it’s getting there#and i met dame aylin my best friend in the whole wide world#i love the way she speaks it’s soooo good and really elevates her character#also. women. yeah.#vive la lesbians or whatever#i am having many thoughts abour jubilee as well but i will contain those to their own post. maybe.#i’m excited to actually get to baldur’s gate#also since i finally met them in game i can understand#the uncontrollable lust for enver gortash…. yeah. i like his nose so much#and orin of course i cannot forget about orin. i understand you all#she is so so so cool and has never done anything wrong ever#ketheric made me sad though. he’s just a really sad old man who did terrible things#i was fine until the note on his body from a clearly very young isobel.#the fact that he kept it all these hundred and some-odd years makes me insane#me when fathers do terrible horrible things to the world for the sake of a daughter. yeah.#ALSO by dame aylin association my shadowheart romance is going well#i did have to have The Talk with gale though because i forgot i flirted with him one too many times 😭#he kept looking at me with his huge wet sad brown eyes#i like him so much i need to do his romance SOON#meaghan talks#meaghan plays bg3#bg3 spoilers
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Oh man the brain is not in a good place rn ⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️
#「 🐈⬛ 」 strawberry.milk#I don’t Even know if it’s actually a big deal or if I’m just paranoid of making mistakes and am blowing it out of proportion in my head ⁉️⁉️#fuck man I hate it when this happens because it keep me wide awake and second guessing everything I’ve said and done the entire day#LMAOOOOOO#accidentally offending/hurting someone because I intended my statement to b a joke and it ended up landing poorly is literally a nightmare.#and if I realize to late I’m always so scared that they secretly hate me then and that they never want to talk to me again.#I’ll spend my whole day second guessing everything I’ve said and done and ill blow it out of proportion and I’ll think that every thing#that I’ve done has hurt or offended someone in some way and that sucks#it makes me want to rip my skin off lowk ⁉️ like I hate the thought of offending someone just from my negligence tbh#HI This is a cry for help if I ever say or do something stupid please tell me so I can remedy it and peacefully solve stuff and not#find out too late and go insane with doubting myself and convincing myself I’m a terrible person HAHHAHAH#if I ever take too long to respond. or if I delete a reply/chat I’ve sent days after I sent it. that’s why HHAHAHHAHHAHAHA
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sudden realisation that the thing holding my art back is that I never had an anime phase
#going to find a time machine and get my younger self into death note or smth#I have been driving myself insane for the past few years bc I wanna draw characters but all I know how to do is portraits#I’m trying to figure out how I could recreate smth similar now and tragically I think it does just come down to draw more :/#however! I am also going to try using brushes which will be bad for sketchiness and better for lineart bc I might need to force myself here#I just gotta simplify things down to basic shapes how hard can it be#[has been thinking this exact thing for years and it’s not worked]#I am getting better every time I do stuff I’m just not satisfied bc art is frustrating when you know what you want but can’t get there#god it’s 2am I should not be awake rn but I could draw again tonight so I was taking advantage#endlessly frustrated by hair. why is it so awkward. I need to understand hair better how do I do this#i have a feeling it’s bc I’ve not figured out how to apply the shit I figured out abt volume yet#I’m also getting impatient bc I’ve been trying to do a study thing for some art styles but I decided I wanted to draw ocs instead of that#when I hadn’t gotten to the actually important bit which was. making smth new. but I can still do that#and I ended up doing a different style anyway (someone pls stop me rounding everything make me use high opacity square brush for my health)#the Other problem is I never wanna switch brushes. like I want to use one brush for whole drawing bc the extra clicks annoy me#I wonder if there’s a shortcut to swap brushes#anyway I’m gonna stop complaining bc drawing is fun but god I wish I’d drawn some more pokey mans when I was a teenager yknow#ideally younger. would rlly like to not have to actually think to figure this out rn#I’m probably overthinking stuff anyway honestly and I KNOW I’ll get it if I practice enough but goddamn it is hard to practice#especially when my me insists on making the bad things look better by making it more realistic#instead of figuring out why the shapes aren’t working#OKAY IM DONE WITH THIS NOW. GONNA TRY NEW ART THINGS LATER STOP TALKING <3#luke.txt
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Cool part about trips is you get to see buildings like the monster energy drink manufacturer building and then random abandoned buildings in the middle of the desert that make you question who the fuck wants to live like courage the cowardly dog
#I’m running out of songs to listen to already#I’ll start listening to break core eventually#for now I listen to my messy ass playlist#I haven’t posted the Mizuki playlist cause I worry it’s too messy but the songs do fit#there’s alot of songs that can fit actually#ALSO WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE AWAKE#is it like 6 for u guys or something#i forget that’s a normal time to wake up#rambling over I think I’m just getting bored
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