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Fuck Feelings (JJ Maybank)

Part 2

Pairing: JJ Maybank x Character

I am finally home, after a 30 minute walk. I feel exhausted not only physically, but emotionally too. Especially emotionally. I can't believe what just happened. I don't know what's worse. The fact that JJ realised my feelings for him but didn't care? The fact that everyone found out about our kiss? Or the fact that I was so humiliated by the indifference of JJ about it?. I feel miserable. I want to cry so badly, but I can't. Instead I keep it all inside, feeling worse and worse as time passes. I decide to lay on my bed and fall asleep. It is currently 3 a.m. and I can't even close my eyes. I keep on thinking about everything that is wrong in my life. How did I end up like this? I really need someone to talk to. But who? I don't wanna bother Kiara or Sarah, even though I know, that after what they witnessed, they will be willing to listen and give me advice. But i don't want to become a burden. I could talk to my mum, I guess... If she were here of course. I can call her. But then again I don't want to make her listen to my problems. Even though I keep on thinking of people, who would be willing to listen to me, I know deep down, that JJ is the only one, to whom I can actually talk to, but right now am not able to. Groaning I get up, in order to take my notebook and finish the lyrics, since I was so emotional. However I realise, that I have left it back at John B' s place. I start panicking. I don't want anyone to read the lyrics, especially JJ, who so badly wanted to. I was in such a hurry to leave that place, that I didn't even remember to take the thing, that caused all this chaos. Chaos...yeah this was the right word for the situation I am currently dealing with. I just lay on my bed, praying, that one of my friends or Melissa will find the notebook.

The tapping of my window brings me back to reality, as I turn my gaze towards its direction, encountering JJ literally waiting outside. This can't be good. I open the window for him. He looks so tired. Red eyes,messy hair, but still gorgeous. "Hello, Williams", he greets me with a small smile. I can, however tell that he is upset. JJ hands me a black notebook. My notebook. Oh no... This is definitely not going to end up well. When I hesitate to take it JJ gets fruhstrated. " Come on Williams, it's just a notebook, take it". "Did you read it?",I ask, hesitation filling my voice. But I already know the answer. JJ looks me in the eye, with an expression I can't understand. "Yes, Williams, I did. I read that stupid song of yours". His indifference hurts me. I know he has realised that I wrote it for him, but he does not care at all. Why? My emotions cloud my judgement and I can't think clearly, so as soon as I open my mouth, I start yelling at him. "Why are you treating me like this JJ? You touch me and hug me, flirt with me, kiss me and then move on to Melissa, like nothing happened between the two of us. I have feelings, you know. I am a human. You can't play with my emotions, like that.", I yell loudly, tears rolling down my eyes uncontrolably. I don't want to cry in front of him. I don't want him to see how much damage he has done to me. When I see his expression, I start crying even more. He seems like he doesn't give a damn about me and what I am telling him. "Say something, JJ. Anything, I don't care!", I keep on shouting. "That kiss meant so much to me. I've been in love with you for so long. I... I thought you felt the same way, JJ. But you just got bored, I guess, and decided to play with me by kissing me, right?". And this is the moment when JJ snaps. "You think, that I don't care about the way you feel Rose? Who is there for you whenever you want to talk about something that bothers you, huh? John B? Kiara? Pope? Sarah? Nope. None of them. It's me. Me!". His voice is so loud and it's currently 3:30 in the morning, but at this point I don't care anymore. I just neeed to clear things out with him. I know, he is going to reject me and that I am going to regret confessing to him, but right now this feels like the right thing to do. JJ keeps on yelling at me. "I know you are writing the song about me, Rose and it kills me to know how much I have hurt you. That kiss was a mistake Rose. You need to forget it, because I already have. It is better for us both to not ruin our friendship, because of a mistake". His voice is softer and more calm, while saying the last sentence, but I can't help but keep on shouting. "A mistake? That's all for you? A fucking mistake? I just admitted that it was the best thing that has ever happened to me and you want me to forget about it? Why, JJ? Why her and not me? You barely know her, while I've been there for you the entire time. Is she better than me? Of course she is... She is so beautiful and I am nothing compared to her, but why do...?"

Suddenly JJ shuts me up, by pussing me against the wall nearby. I cringe at the pain I feel when my back meets the cold painted in a lightnshade of purple wall. I can't help but feel a little scared, by his sudden angry outburst. My chest hurts from crying so much. JJ looks at me, a hurt expression in his face. "Don't you ever think for a second that she is your superior. Don't compare yourself to her. You can't do that! You Rosalie...", he takes a breath, continuing, his eyes never leaving mine, while both his hands touch the wall at both sides of my head, trapping there with him. "You are the most beautiful girl in this whole fucking world. Look at you Williams", he says, lifting his palm to capture my cheek in it. I flinch a little, before his hand touches me. I hope JJ doesn't notice. But he does.I see as worry finds her way onto his face. "You're afraid of me", he mumbles, more to himself. "JJ, I don't...", I begin to say but he cuts my sentance again, by speaking. "I will never hurt you, you hear me? You mean so much to me Rose". The roles are now reversed and he is the one crying right now. He seems like he has so much to say, so I don't interrupt him. "I love you Williams". He sighs and my heart beat increases abruptly. "You mean the world to me. I can't lose you. Not you. That kiss Rosalie...that kiss felt like the only right thing I've ever done in my life. I want to give you more Rosalie, I really do. I care about you, but I am not enough. You are so beautiful and clever and...and...You are perfect and that's why you deserve so much better. I can't be what you want. I'm a fucking mess you are too good for me. I can't...". It's my turn to interrupt him, by throwing my arms around his shaking now body. "I want you the way you are. Not to change. All I ask from you is to be there for me. To be with me".

These words are enough for JJ. He quickly captures my face in his big palms and kisses me sweetly. I smile while kissing him. I missed him so much and having him here right now, with me is the only thing that matters to me. His head titles deepending the kiss and I feel his tongue swipe my bottom lip. I allow my lips to part, letting his tongue dance with my own. Kissing JJ like that feels so good. I feel like I am completed, like a gap has been filled. "Jump". JJ argues me to do, while having me pinned against my bedroom wall. I do as I am told, my lips never leaving his. His hands touch the fabric of my hoodie. He looks at me,as if asking for permission. I nod and he smirks, taking it off. His eyes widen when he realises I am not wearing a bra underneath my hoodie. "You're gorgeous.", he murmurs, while leading us to my bed. He lays on top of me, looking at me with adoration. His hands travel down to my chest squeezing my breasts softly, while his lips leave small wet kisses on my neck. I quickly undress his upper body, admiring the muscles on his sunkissed skin. He smirks seeing my expression and keeps on leaving small kisses on my skin. I moan as he finds my sweet spot right under my left ear. After kissing me there for a while, his gorgeous lips kiss their way down to my stomach, smirking whenever he hears the soft moans leaving my lips.

I close my eyes feeling exhausted and amazing at the same time. JJ seems to notice once more and brings his lips back to mine for one last time. "Get some sleep baby. You had a long day." Something in this nickname brings butterflies to my stomach. JJ grabs the blanket and covers our bodies, while hugging me. His strong arm finds his way to my waist and I lean onto his bare chest. "I love you Williams", he says stroking my hair softly. "I've always have loved you. It just took me a while to realise, baby." I can't help but smile at his words. "I love you too JJ", I reply looking at him, satisfied with the happy smile on his face. We stay like that for a few minutes, eyes closed. No words need to be spoken. We're both into each other's arms and that's all that matters. I am ready to fall asleep, when I hear JJ mumbling while still stroking my hair. "You are mine. Only mine and I am all yours." A bright smile finds its way on my face as I hear these words and remember the way he shouted at Melissa for calling him hers. I feel better than I've ever felt before, laying in the arms of the boy who broke my heart and then brought the pieces back together. The boy I so much love.

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