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enbypanpoet · 3 years

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I no longer believe I existed before and/or separate from trauma. Life is traumatic. Being born to a clinically insane woman married to a child-rapist is traumatic

Born with undiagnosed neurodivergence and gender fluidity is traumatic

Being raised in rigid religion is traumatic

And then there's the "actual" trauma; physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse

"Child genius" = perceived as self-sufficient

"The quiet one" "the reward child" "the mature child"

Constantly being told I don't need help, when I absofuckinglutely needed help

And then the puberty / drugs / sex / teen suicidal drama / legal trouble / still no advocacy from anywhere / holy shit I'm a fucking "adult" now????

23-38 fifteen years of grief, acting like I'm okay, seeking help and not getting it

And I'm a parent

And I'm a spouse

And I'm responsible

And I'm still a fuckup

And I'm still carrying unresolved trauma

And there's no time to grieve or heal or work on anything or rest

And I'm a student/manager/holy fuck I can't understand anything

I'm almost 43 and

I'm breaking.

My mind and my body and my emotions and my bones and my relationships and my family and my fucking life

And the whole thing has been trauma

What the fuck am i? Not a man, not a woman, I have existence dysphoria and I can't trust anything I feel or know or experience and I keep saying these words and the answers I get are a cruel mixture of detached sympathy and outright aggression, blame, why haven't I fixed this, why isn't this easier for me, why can't I just figure this shit out, oh, by the way

No help

And I'd better figure it out or I might just end up being sent to prison for being mentally ill, and I'm definitely separated from my wife and kids because I had a trauma flashback and lived in a bad situation, I'm in anger management for legal issues and I'm in a sobriety program for trauma issues and I can't fucking figure out how I'm supposed to keep a job

Because every physical activity hurts

And every interaction with people gets me twisted up so I want to jump off a bridge

But if I don't make money I'm fucking worthless

And I've written some really good, profound poetry over the years

But nobody pays for poetry

And I'm a loving and caring person with a lot of coping skills to teach other people like me

But I can't get a degree because the shit costs more money than rent and I am a great student for short periods but

After 31 months in a row I ran out of funding and energy

My life is traumatic

And I have no idea what to do about it

Doctors literally tell me they can't /won't help me

Psych care just wants to prescribe me meds until they find one that works... chemical roulette

And even on my worst days I just keep living, hoping that someone, somewhere, someday will have some way to help me

And on my best days I write

Today is a best day

#lifeishardloveharder #poetryofmonsters #mental illness #trauma #cptsd #IamTheTriggerWarning #life is traumatic #money doesn't make itself #poetry doesn't pay #nonbinary #gender fluid #identity crisis #neurodivergence #The United States hates me

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enbypanpoet · 3 years

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The music plays silently and red flashes in darkness dreams become thought become memory of chemical electricity The music is perception something between chaos and cosmos tells me my perception of reality is seen as an illness as something to correct and your honor, I object and I am overruled this existence is consistent persistently insistent that I am wrong or broken or some other version of those words Today is a day and black flashes to red I am a story I carry in my head and somewhere between the door and the bed something in me decided I'm not me, at all #enbypanpoet #matthewdeayre #poetryofmonsters #lifeishardloveharder #writer #mentalillness https://www.instagram.com/p/CKE0V_dlskB/?igshid=1w95ptcfepu5f

#enbypanpoet #matthewdeayre #poetryofmonsters #lifeishardloveharder #writer #mentalillness

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enbypanpoet · 3 years

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In this life, you'll face adversity. Many say nothing is guaranteed, but adversity is universal. You will face problems and you will face obstacles. What makes the hugest difference for you is how you deal with those obstacles, how you face up to your adversity. In my life I have encountered so many problems and been presented with obstacles and adversity, sometimes more than my share, I felt. I have wept and fought and complained, and none of that is wrong, but none of it helps.

The only thing that has helped me is something I learned in my first year of customer service: don't pass blame or complaints, try to find a solution that serves all needs. Whatever you face, try to overcome with alacrity and an eye toward solutions. I cannot guarantee you that you will be able to overcome all your adversity, but I can guarantee you that seeking solutions for your problems will always take you further than crying, complaining, or assigning blame.

So when you find yourself staring at a mountain, start climbing. If you see a chasm below you, look for a way around. When you lose something you thought you couldn't live without, realize that you are still breathing. When you face up to your situation, you can find reserves of strength you did not know you possessed.

#in this life #poetryofmonsters #lifeishardloveharder #readme #shine #nonbinary #enbypanpoet #motivation

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enbypanpoet · 6 years

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#blessed #matthewdeayre #poetryofmonsters #shine #gratitude #poetryofig #writersofinstagram #lifeishardloveharder #readme #qotd #piecesofme #hopeisadrug #bloodintoink #writeordie #hurricanesandpromises https://www.instagram.com/p/BnGQxFqB-zU/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=s565t88w39n6

#blessed #matthewdeayre #poetryofmonsters #shine #gratitude #poetryofig #writersofinstagram #lifeishardloveharder #readme #qotd #piecesofme #hopeisadrug #bloodintoink #writeordie #hurricanesandpromises

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enbypanpoet · 7 years

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#poetry #poem #poet #writer #epicpoetry #mylife #potd #poetryofmonsters #iwrite #poetrycommunity #notimeforregret #lifeishardloveharder #valueyourtime #readme #writingislife #selflove #hitthefollowbutton #shine #lighthouse #piecesofme #poetsmind #poetssociety #poetsofig #poetsofinstagram #poetryofig #poetryofinstagram

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enbypanpoet · 7 years

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#poetry #poem #poet #writer #epicpoetry #mylife #potd #poetryofmonsters #iwrite #poetrycommunity #notimeforregret #lifeishardloveharder #valueyourtime #readme #writingislife #selflove #hitthefollowbutton #shine #lighthouse #piecesofme #poetsmind #poetssociety #poetsofig #poetsofinstagram #poetryofig #poetryofinstagram

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enbypanpoet · 7 years

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#mylife #potd #poetryofmonsters #iwrite #poetrycommunity #notimeforregret #lifeishardloveharder #valueyourtime #readme #writingislife #selflove #hitthefollowbutton #shine #lighthouse

#selflove #hitthefollowbutton #poetrycommunity #iwrite #potd #notimeforregret #lifeishardloveharder #readme #valueyourtime #poetryofmonsters #shine #lighthouse #writingislife #mylife

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enbypanpoet · 7 years

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#poetryofig #poetryofinstagram #itcouldbeapoem #qotd #readme #hitthefollowbutton #alifeinwords #myfriendsarebetterthanyours #nrshepherdtoldmetohashtag #jumbledthoughtsandscatteredemotions #matthewdeayre #writersofig #onepiece #notranslation #takeitasyouwill #vulnerable #heartondisplay #bloodintoink #spilledink #facebookwriter #hearme #noloveandlighthere #rawandbold #wordsmakemehappy #lifeishardloveharder

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enbypanpoet · 7 years

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#itcouldbeapoem #qotd #readme #hitthefollowbutton #alifeinwords #myfriendsarebetterthanyours #nrshepherdtoldmetohashtag #jumbledthoughtsandscatteredemotions #matthewdeayre #writersofig #onepiece #notranslation #takeitasyouwill #vulnerable #heartondisplay #bloodintoink #spilledink #facebookwriter #hearme #noloveandlighthere #rawandbold #wordsmakemehappy #lifeishardloveharder

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enbypanpoet · 7 years

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#poetry #poem #poet #writer #epicpoetry #mylife #potd #poetryofmonsters #iwrite #poetrycommunity #notimeforregret #lifeishardloveharder #valueyourtime #writingislife #selflove #lighthouse #piecesofme #poetsmind #poetssociety #poetsofig #poetsofinstagram #poetryofig #poetryofinstagram #itcouldbeapoem #qotd #readme #hitthefollowbutton #alifeinwords #myfriendsarebetterthanyours #nrshepherdtoldmetohashtag #jumbledthoughtsandscatteredemotions #matthewdeayre #writersofig #onepiece #notranslation #takeitasyouwill #vulnerable #heartondisplay #bloodintoink #spilledink #facebookwriter #hearme #noloveandlighthere #rawandbold #wordsmakemehappy #lifeishardloveharder

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enbypanpoet · 7 years

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#itcouldbeapoem #qotd #potd #readme #hitthefollowbutton #alifeinwords #myfriendsarebetterthanyours #nrshepherdtoldmetohashtag #jumbledthoughtsandscatteredemotions #matthewdeayre #poetryofmonsters #poetssociety #poetsofig #writersofig #onepiece #notranslation #takeitasyouwill #vulnerable #heartondisplay #bloodintoink #spilledink #facebookwriter #hearme #shine #lighthouse #noloveandlighthere #rawandbold #wordsmakemehappy #lifeishardloveharder

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enbypanpoet · 7 years

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#poetry #poem #poet #writer #epicpoetry #mylife #potd #poetryofmonsters #iwrite #poetrycommunity #notimeforregret #lifeishardloveharder #valueyourtime #readme #writingislife #selflove #hitthefollowbutton #shine #lighthouse #piecesofme #poetsmind #poetssociety #poetsofig #poetsofinstagram #poetryofig #poetryofinstagram #truestory💯

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