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evan4ever · 1 year

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Let Her Go

Kit Walker

Warnings: just a short little sad fic, read with caution

a/n: not proofread! I hope it makes sense as it’s more of an overview of the entire situation, but it was so sad to write. Also never see Kit at the asylum fics that end with a happy-ish ending for reader, usually reader dies or something 😭 so enjoy!!!

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Love comes slow and it goes so fast

If that wasn’t the truth.

You and Kit had been together since the day he was put into Briarcliff, where you met him. You’d been there for years. Maybe even a decade. You were sure. It felt like a lifetime and eventually you stopped keeping track, believing in a whole that you were never getting out and that it was pointless to have any hope. Your life felt drug on, you didnt see any reason to want to continue living, you didn’t think there was a point. You had everything you needed to end it all, finally relieve yourself of this hell you were living in. You would do it quick. You managed to steal some thick rope you’d found in the kitchen. You had a noose made and you planned to hang yourself in your cell and you could only hope to the highest God above that he would allow sister Jude to find you, letting it be a punishment of hers just as she’d punish all of you. You were ready.

And then you met Kit Walker. He had brought a new light to your life. He became your reason to live, he clung to you for his reason to fight. Together you became inseparable and not one person could pull you apart from the other. You were a support system in this place you called Hell on earth.

You helped Kit adjust. You showed him the ways of the asylum, the ins and outs and everything in between. You helped him learn how to survive.

You only need the light when it’s burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow.

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low, only hate the road when you’re missing home

Though of course, like everyone that ended up there, Kit slowly lost his own hope. He struggled missing the sun on his skin, he struggled with the darkness within the asylum, he struggled with the longing of his own home. He began to feel the hopelessness you’d felt for all those years. And it scared you, because without Kit, you knew you wouldn’t last. Kit made you feel alive, he made you want to stay alive — to keep breathing this air and keep hoping that one day, you’d both get out and make it in this world that you’ve been missing out on for so long.

You’re dependance on Kit slowly turned into a burning love, though you weren’t sure he felt the same. Your questions were answered when he told you that you were the reason he was still alive. That if it weren’t for you, he’d see no reason to keep going. It was then that you poured your heart out to Kit, telling him your story, how you ended up there, how long you’d been stuck in this place, and how the day before he arrived you’d had your suicide planned and ready; how if it weren’t for meeting him the mere hours before you were meant to step off a chair, you wouldn’t be here. You explained to him that he was your sole purpose to make it out of this place alive.

And it was like a love story began, a real one, a beautiful one. Despite the setting and the barriers that were in place, it was true love.

And then one day, you received the news. The best news one in the asylum could hear. The news that everyone waited to hear one day. But it wasn’t the news you wanted, because it didn’t include Kit. You were informed by sister Mary Eunice that you were to go free, to leave this place and never have to look back or return. You waited years upon years to hear this news and now, it was the same feeling you had when you were informed all those years ago that you were being sent to Briarcliff. Because now it was a home with the person you loved. You only wanted to escape one day if it was with Kit. Without him, the outside world seemed like the prison, not Briarcliff. You couldn’t leave without him, you wouldn’t.

You told him of the news. How you’d been instructed to collect your belongings and someone would escort you out. Your reaction was one that Kit hadn’t expected. It was full of sorrow, grief, denial, refusal.

Did he want to be without you? Not at all. It pained him to think about what helped hold him together may not be there anymore and it scared him to think of being alone, but you had to go. You couldn’t stay when your freedom was right at your fingertips. It would be selfish of him to make you stay or be the reason you stayed. He wasn’t going to let you for anything, not even for him.

Only know you love her when you let her go, and you let her go.

He had to let you go.

“You can’t stay here y/n. I don’t want you to.” Kits words cut you like a knife. You could only stare at him in disbelief. He had all your items packed into the suitcase they had given you, sitting in the doorway of your cell while he stood there, his arms crossed and his eyes unable to meet yours.

“Why are you saying these things? Kit I don’t want to be free of this place if it’s not with you!” You pleaded with him, begging for him to let you stay where he was.

He shook his head, looking at the blank wall in your cell. You could only stare at him, waiting for him to change his mind, waiting for him to tell you he couldn’t live without you. But he never did.

“I can’t be without you, Kit..” your words came out in a whisper, tears dripping down your red cheeks. He was holding back his own tears, knowing they would only encourage you to fight against your freedom harder. He had to make you believe he didn’t want you here, and it pained him to lie and hurt you.

“You have to.” He said, swallowing hard before finally meeting your eyes. The sight of you so broken nearly made him fall to your feet and beg for forgiveness. He didn’t want you to hate him, but it was the only way. “Your presence here only upsets me more. I will be happy when you go. So just go.”

You felt the wind be knocked from you, unable to take a breath or to see straight anymore. He wanted you to go? Then what was all of this time? What was all of those late nights of sneaking around? What we’re all those “I love you’s” you both shared? Did he only use you to make his time here easier? We’re you nothing more than a bridge for him?

“You’re breaking my heart” you whispered, begging eyes staring at him once more in hopes that he would break character and run into your arms. But he didn’t, and your heart shattered into pieces when you realized he didn’t want you there, and he meant it.

You wiped the tears from your cheeks, feeling your chest now fill with anger. You wasted your time on him and he didn’t care. You loved him and he didn’t care. How could you be so stupid, you thought. How could he be so cruel?

You bent and picked up your belongings and clutched them to your chest, turning from your cell and stepping out of it. You stopped in your tracks and waited another moment in hopes that he would intervene and that this was all just a big misunderstanding. Hearing nothing, your eyes squeezed shut as you let out a long sigh, then you forced yourself to go. You forced yourself away from him, all the way to the front doors where a few people were waiting for you. A man grabbed your bag and you stood at the stairs and watched him walk to the taxi sticking the bag in the trunk before getting into the drivers seat.

The outside air felt different. You were expecting it to feel good, having not felt it in so long. But now it only felt like shards of glass against your skin as you took each step down to the sidewalk. Each step filled with a memory flashing through your head of you and Kit. If only you could run back into his arms and he would hold you tightly and never let you go. But that wasn’t the case.

You looked out the window as soon as you entered the backseat of the taxi, hoping maybe you’d see Kit one more time, thinking maybe he would watch you as you go and smile ti let you know he was only joking. But he wasn’t there, only sister Mary Eunice who was smiling and waving goodbye to you, and sister Jude who stood with her arms crossed and a frown on her face. No Kit. He was gone. That was your goodbye. And you weren’t sure if you’d ever see him again.

Staring at the ceiling in the dark, same old empty feeling in your heart.

Kit laid in his bed in the darkness of his cell. He couldn’t close his eyes, he couldn’t let his mind think, because every time he did he could only see you. He had broken your heart and it killed him, but you were free. One day you would be grateful that he made you go, even though he had to be without you in order for it to be that way. He felt so empty, so broken, so lost. He didn’t know what his life could possibly be like in this place without you there to hold it for him, to keep it whole and pure and safe. You were everything to him. And you were gone.

He knew the consequences he would face within himself for making you go, the pure darkness that took over him. But there was nothing more important that you getting out of Briarcliff, so he knew he made the right choice. He only wished he didn’t love you so much, because then he wouldn’t feel so low. Because then it wouldn’t be so hard to go on without you.

You see her when you fall asleep, but never to touch and never to keep because you loved her too much and you dived too deep.

Why must love hurt like this? He had two loves ripped from him. He was damned if he’d ever let himself love again. He silently cursed himself when he realized how hard he falls when he falls, and that surely was going to be the death of him.

Kit spent the next months seeing you every time he slept, every time he closed his eyes you were there. He eventually took peace in it, being able to see you somehow? It was a blessing, surely. It had to be, because it was the only thing in the world that kept him going, kept him fighting the every day battle that came with being inside of Briarcliff. He hoped one day, maybe, he’d see you again. That he’s be able to run to you, pick you up and hold you to him, that he’d be able to apologize for the lies and terrible things he said. Then he could explain to you why he did, that he was only making sure you got out.

One of you had to get out alive, and he made sure it would be you. And now you were free. He wasn’t sure where you were in the world, the months passing by and each night becoming colder in Kit’s heart. He hoped you were well, that you were happy and that you weren’t dwelling on him like he was you. He was completely broken in this place, but he held onto the memory of you and he clung to it to keep a small light within him.

Though letting you go was the complete and utter most pain he had ever experienced, he knew he did the right thing.

Only know you love her when you let her go.

And you let her go.

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wallisjewellie · 2 years

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I just would like to take a moment to comment on the below test footage in which - as part of the pre-visualization of the force choke/let her go scene in RotS - choreography is being fine tuned with Hayden and two stunt doubles.

(The video was originally uploaded to the Saberproject YouTube channel, and they had gotten hold of it in 2016, directly from Nick Gillard, the stunt coordinator and creator of lightsaber duels seen in the prequels movies. According to Saberproject, the video was shot to give Lucas an idea of how the final battle might play out.)

The actual scene in the movie does play out differently. In the finished film Padmé stays on the ground, Anakin is staring only at her the whole time, then when he releases her from the chokehold, Padmé simply collapses. What we see in the BTS footage is different.

Here, when Obi-Wan calls on Anakin to let her go, Anakin turns around, fixes his gaze at Obi-Wan, and with a cruel, twisted, cold and determined expression on his face (while still looking at Obi-Wan), he lifts Padmé up in the air, then releasing her, lets her fall back onto the ground from a rather unsettling height. Then without a split moment to spare on her, Anakin turns his whole body towards Obi-Wan, ready for the confrontation. When the camera cuts to the Obi-Wan stunt double, we can see him with his lightsaber already drawn, switching his attention from Padmé on the ground to Anakin, who started to walk towards him in the meantime.

Since it is an aided rehearsal, we can observe only Hayden’s acting. There is a lot in Anakin’s eyes, but my impression is the following. At this point he is already beyond reason, blinded by rage and the sense of betrayal. It seems that in this version, he is not punishing Padmé for siding with Obi-Wan, but rather, trying to punish/provocate Obi-Wan by deliberately hurting Padmé. There is an element of defiance, some pettiness, and a cold-hearted, calculated attempt to make both of them suffer. The chocking probably starts as retaliation against Padmé, then in a glimpse of time, she gets reduced to a tool against Obi-Wan, and it shows how far Vader drifted from Annie.

RotS gives us the impression that Anakin - almost by default, instinctively - obeys Obi-Wan by letting her go, and almost immediately (for a moment) there is confused regret on his face. In the rehearsal bit, it is the opposite. In fact, he obeys, but in the meantime, he also does the most damage he can, and the entire action is performative and cruel. And on his face, there is anything but confusion or regret. This is Vader through and through. A Vader, who very likely believes that the other two’s betrayal stretches beyond conspiring to kill him.

Mind that RotS was created and shot with the idea that Anakin suspects/fears, then as a result of Palpatine’s cunning manipulation, believes that his ex master and his wife have been having an affair. (See some of my previous posts for more details.) Chocking the woman who loves him and is pregnant with his child and dropping her from about 10 ft is unthinkable and too brutal, you say? Well, I am almost certain that in that scene Anakin believes that the child is not even his, that Padmé is indeed lying to him about her love, and that she has indeed brought Obi-Wan with her to kill him. In his rampant rage he is unable and unwilling to think rationally, and he does not give a damn about the baby - potentially Obi-Wan’s child. (I still think that with the deletion of the Obi-Wan/Padmé/Rebel Alliance background storyline, there are (not so) subtle plot holes, and the ‘why would Anakin try to physically (and possibly fatally) assault his pregnant wife’, is one of them. Especially, because his main driver throughout the movie has been to save her from death.)

But back to the BTS footage. What we see in it is hardly experimental, because pre-visualization (as shown in one AotC webisode) is a multiple-step process with a well thought-out sequence of motions and choreography, so that the visual effects team could build the world around them as precisely as possible. It already has a rather strict choreography, and serves the purpose of seeing what the scene will look like on screen, in order to make some final tweaks before shooting it.

As far as I know, this particular one was not among the reshot scenes, so the above seen choreography was either changed before the cameras started rolling, or multiple versions were filmed, and the milder one was kept. (Then Lucas cushioned it further with cutting out entire lines from the dialogues Anakin has here with Padmé on Obi-Wan, then with Obi-Wan on Padmé, causing strange glitches if one looks a bit closer, but I might make another post about it later.)

Since RotS already has some brutal elements if you think about it (massacre of children; burning the skin and flesh off of Vader; painful childbirth scene ending in death; master cutting off the limbs of one-time apprentice and leaving him to die amid unthinkable suffering), it could be that Lucas eventually shied away from other heavy themes (adultery and ambiguous paternity; performative physical abuse of an expectant mother; wife attempting to knife her husband). The irony is that all the above mentioned themes would have come to a crescendo in this ‘let her go’, and the subsequent confrontation scene.

But there is more to this scene. When I wrote in the previous paragraph that ‘wife attempting to knife her husband’, I was not (only) referring to backstabbing. Padmé was supposed to arrive on Mustafar with Obi-Wan hidden on her ship, and a knife hidden in her sleeve. They originally were there to kill Vader. When Padmé failed (unable to bring herself to kill the father of her child.), Obi-Wan stepped in. The evidence behind this is there. The “Star Wars Storyboards: The Prequel Trilogy” book, a collection of official concept artworks, edited by J.W. Rinzler and Iain McCaig, and published in 2013, is one of them. See two examples below.

Also, at a speaking event at the Academy of Art University in late 2016, concept artist Iain McCaig confirmed that Padmé was well aware of Anakin slowly becoming a monster, and was secretly building the rebellion behind his back to overthrow her deranged husband. And so she showed up on Mustafar with a knife, fully intent on killing him, but she could not bring herself to do it. Then, at that point, Obi-Wan was meant to appear, causing Anakin to violently turn on Padmé. Much more violently than what we see in RotS.

Whatever reasons were invoked when deciding against certain choreography choices, I still think that it is interesting to see that the idea at one point was to get Anakin trying to hurt Obi-Wan by hurting Padmé.

And although Lucas changed quite a number of things along the way, even when breaking down the final Vader v. Obi-Wan duel we see in the movie, Nick Gillard reasoned in 2019 (here at 01:06 - 01:11) that the choreography had been put together with the following in mind:

‘Anakin thinks Obi is maybe having an affair with Padmé at that point.’

#revenge of the sith #obianidala #obidala #rots bts #let her go #obi wan kenobi #padme amidala #anakin skywalker

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