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#lauren heller
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Canon Sapphic Characters Tournament Round 1 (Bracket 6)
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younger-tvland · 11 months
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1x01 Pilot
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youngsamberg · 1 year
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omg Lauren happy birthday!!!! 🥳
I hope you have a really great day! 25’s exciting!!!
thanks nicole!!!!!! 🥰🥰🥰
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sumire-no-nikki · 4 months
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24 Books for 2024
Thought I would shop my shelves and make a "must read" book list for the coming year. My actual annual reading goal is 52 books so only planning for 24 leaves plenty of room for more spontaneous picks later on. (Also, 24 for 2024 just sounds fun and neat lol)
Nobody, Somebody, Anybody by Kelly McClorey DNF
The Dutch House by Ann Patchett
The Mercies by Kiran Millwood Hargrave
Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo
Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters
The Bone Witch by Rin Chupeco
Water by John Boyne ✅
Ariadne by Jennifer Saint
Divine Rivals by Rebecca Ross ✅
The Paper Palace by Miranda Cowley Heller
The Luminaries by Eleanor Catton
A Wilderness of Stars by Shea Ernshaw
The Colour of Storm by Damien Dibben
What You Are Looking For Is in the Library by Michiko Aoyama
The Vaster Wilds by Lauren Groff
The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides
The Fraud by Zadie Smith
Sweet Bean Paste by Durian Sukegawa
The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern ✅
The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller ✅
The Marriage Portrait by Maggie O’Farrell
Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami
Lapvona by Ottessa Moshfegh
Breast and Eggs by Mieko Kawakami
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beautifulfaaces · 1 year
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Masterlist - Female Ginger
 2000s
Abby Donnelly
Beatrice Kitsos
Bebe Wood
Darby Camp
Ella Ballentine
Francesca Capaldi
Isla Johnston
Larsen Thompson
Liliana Mumy
Lilly Dreesen
Maggie Elizabeth Jones
Sadie Sink
Sadie Stanley
Sophia Lillis
Summer Fontana
90s
Abigail Cowen
Alexia Fast
Alina Bobyleva
Alina Kovalenko
Annie Thurman
Bonnie Wright
Carmen Solomons
Dakota Blue Richards
Debby Ryan
Elizabeth McLaughlin
Ellie Bamber
Emma Kenney
Georgie Henley
Georgina Sadler
Helena Barlow
Janet Devlin
Jeni Ross
Jordan Clark
Juliette Angelo
Katherine Barrell
Katie Stevens
Lily Newmark
Liv Hewson
Louisa Connelly-Burnham
Mackenzie Lintz
Madelaine Petsch
Madeline Brewer
Madison Lintz
Madisen Beaty
Molly Quinn
Poppy Gilbert
Rachel Hurd Wood
Rosie Day
Shannon Purser
Sophie Turner
Swantje Wördemann
Tavi Gevinson
Zoe de Grand Maison
80s
Alex Paxton Beesley
Amanda Righetti
Amy Manson
Amy Wren
Annette Lober
Ashley Bell
Barbara Meier
Breeda Wool
Brittany Allen
Brittany Snow
Cinitia Dicker
Danielle Kind
Diana Gómez
Emily Tyra
Emily Wilson
Evan Rachel Wood
Genevieve Angelson
Haley Strode
Holland Roden
Holley Fain
Holliday Grainger
Jade Ramsey
Jane Levy
Jessica Keenan Wynn
Jill Morrison
Josefine Preuß
Joy Nash
Julianne Hough
Juno Temple
Karen Gillan
Katie Leclerc
Lindsay Lohan
Lily Cole
Marcella Lentz-Pope
Maria Burghardt
Meg Steedle
Nicole LaLiberte
Palina Rojinski
Rose Leslie
Sarah Hay
Tuppence Middleton
Vanessa Bayer
Vanessa Lee Evigan
Zena Grey
Zoe Boyle
70s
Amy Adams
Antonia Holfelder
Chelah Horsdal
Clare Grant
Darby Stanchfield
Elisabeth Gelabert
Erin Chambers
Katherine Parkinson
Isla Fisher
Jessica Chastain
JoAnna Garcis Swisher
Lauren Ambrose
Marielle Heller
Nathalie Boltt
Rebecca Mader
Sabrina Grdevich
Sarah Rafferty
Sasha Alexander
60s
Alex Kingston
Amy Yasbeck
Andrea Sawatzki              
Connie Britton
Julianne Moore
Kate Walsh
Lea Thompson
Marcia Cross
Molly Ringwald
Rebecca Stab
Susan Walters
Tilda Swinton
50s
Annette Bening
Chloe Webb
Dana Delaney
Ellen Crawford
Laura Innes
Patricia Bethune
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hawkland · 9 months
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Home from MomentoCon, it was definitely nowhere near the energy and attendance of the first year, without Misha this time around, and the organization was a clusterfuck. BUT I still managed to have a mostly good time even while doing an artist's table all weekend. I basically was the only vendor with specifically Destiel art & merch (including a giant banner/scarf of my Nov 5 piece from last year) that was like a beacon to all Hellers to come by. Sold some stuff (including 3 originals!) but more than that it was such a boost to the confidence to hear so many encouraging and lovely things about my art. I struggle a lot with feeling "seen" after some of my early experiences at conventions with my art were a lot less positive...guess I've finally hit my stride and found my niche, y'know? Nicest guest experiences were with DJ Qualls and Lauren Tom, both had such wonderful things to say about my art - DJ literally asked if HE could come hug me after seeing my Garth painting! He's so adorable. Rob's rooftop acoustic concert was very chill and I got goosebumps hearing him play "Fare thee well" live. Oh and the hubster and I did a Mark S meet & greet Sunday before packing up, so that's another off my bucketlist.
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Now to decide if I'm going to DC or not.
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andrewmoocow · 7 months
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Steven Universe Snake Eyes chapter 6: Folie a Deux (originally published on October 2, 2023)
AN: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. We've been building up to this for two years now, but at long last, Steven and Black Rutile finally go head-to-head once again. And this time, there will be nothing holding them back in their fight to the death, except for their own inner demons. Steven refuses to fight and kill for entertainment but deep down, he's resisting the urge to go all out. Meanwhile, Black Rutile is incredibly eager to kill Steven once and for all, but that doesn't stop her from having her own second thoughts about everything. This, I believe, makes their dynamic so well-written, though I might be bragging here since I was the one who created it. But enough stroking my ego, we're officially at the halfway point of Snake Eyes now, so let's begin!
Synopsis: Steven and Black Rutile have their long-awaited rematch. Meanwhile, Nosiop begins his plot for universal conquest.
Cast:
Zach Callison as Steven
Noël Wells as Black Rutile
Estelle as Garnet
Michaela Dietz as Amethyst
Deedee Magno-Hall as Pearl
Tom Scharpling as Greg
Grace Rolek as Connie
Jennifer Paz as Lapis
Shelby Rabara as Peridot
Uzo Aduba as Bismuth
Kimberly Brooks as Jasper
Lauren Ash as White Topaz
Della Saba as Aquamarine
Charlyne Yi as Eyeball
Christine Pedi as Holly Blue
Casey Lee Williams as Cat's Eye
Aurelio Voltaire as King Cobralan Jormagundr
Jason Marsden as Prince Nosiop Jormagundr
Keith David as Pyth
Shirley Millner as Queen Constricta Jormagundr
Henry Rollins as Captain Boa
Neil Flynn as Aescul
Patti LuPone as Yellow Diamond
Lisa Hannigan as Blue Diamond
Christine Ebersole as White Diamond
Ron Perlman as Inner Steven
Christopher Lloyd as Batsputin Vosania
Anna Akana as Dionna of the Sands
Peter Stormare as Reximillian
--
"Okay ladies, everyone into your cells!" one of the Bismuth guards at Revanche 666 yelled as the Rutile Rebels were ordered to their assigned prison cells in the aftermath of their attempted takeover of Little Homeworld. "This will be your home for as long as it takes for you to change your ways and finally accept that you lost."
"So that's how it is, huh?" Black Rutile muttered as she glumly sat down in her cell and gazed at her feet. Everything she had worked so hard from the moment Steven came out as the so-called son of Pink Diamond was all made entirely pointless once again. And even worse, it wasn't even Steven who ruined her plans this time, but instead his disgusting human friends. That was one of many things she hated about Steven. Despite how toxic he was towards others, Steven always knew how to gather allies, whether they were former enemies he convinced would agree with him or simple-minded creatures he could mold into his slaves.
Of course, Black Rutile wasn't any better, but at least she knew how evil she was and loved it. But now, her love of manipulating others to her whims had been used against her thanks to some choice words by the Crystal Gems to turn her allies' collective backs on her. And now, as she heard her subordinates converse among themselves, Black Rutile had one question to ask herself.
"Is this still worth it?"
--
"Status update on the Diamonds?" a Slytherophidian scientist said to his lab assistant as the pair watched over three massive gems in an equally large containment field meant to house the ginormous Diamonds they would soon reform into.
"Their vitals are normal, Dr. Heller." The female Slytherophidian said, gazing down at a tablet documenting the Diamonds' statistics. "They should return to their normal forms within a few minutes."
"Excellent work, Dr. Mercer." Dr. Heller said before the two scientists turned to find Aescul walking into the laboratory. "Oh, hello Aescul. Need anything?"
"Yes, I'm gonna need you two to leave for a bit so I can have a little privacy with our giant guests here." Aescul stated. "They're gonna need some catching up to do."
"Understood, sir." Dr. Heller said as he and his assistant left Aescul alone in the lab, just as the Diamonds regenerated their forms and found themselves in the containment unit.
"Oh, what happened?" Yellow groaned as she slowly regained consciousness from her fight with the Metals. "Where are those Metals?"
"Where are we? Some kind of laboratory?" Blue asked while looking around and tapping on the glass.
"You are exactly right, my Diamond-y friend," Aescul stated. "Hi, my name's Aescul. I'm a Slytherophidian spy who participated in the surveillance of your people and brought your little friend Steven to your planet. Nice to meet you guys."
"Hello there, Mr. Aescul." White Diamond politely greeted the spy in a somewhat awkward fashion. "Would you mind telling us where we are and why we're here?"
"Oh yeah, that." Aescul nodded. "You took quite a beating against the Metals, and I just wanted to see if you'll be alright in time for Steven's big fight with Black Rutile."
"Whose big fight with what?!" Yellow yelled in shock.
"Oh no, Steven!" Blue added, just as horrified at the decision, while Aescul remained stoic.
"Please, you must tell your masters to change this decision at once!" White begged Aescul on her knees like her life depended on it. "You have no idea how much Black Rutile hates our dear Steven!"
"Sorry, everybody, but rules are rules," Aescul said as he turned to leave. "You know, I can let you go so you're free to watch, ladies. You just need to keep your mouths shut since everybody hates you so much. Remember that cover-up?"
"Yes, we convinced the universe at large that all the planets we conquered were uninhabited to hide the fact that we committed genocide, we know," Yellow stated dryly as the Diamonds were released from their confinement. "I don't think I want to know how Steven would react to such news."
"Probably not well at all." White nodded fearfully while Aescul led them out of the lab. Little did they know was that Steven was having his own issues at the moment.
--
Meanwhile, Steven anxiously paced back and forth in the Crystal Gems' quarters at the Ouraborium as he contemplated what he had heard earlier. Queen Constricta had just announced that Steven and Black Rutile were due to fight soon in the arena, their first one-on-one battle since Black Rutile invaded the beach house while the Gems were in Los Diego. A lot has changed since the two last fought, but one thing that remained a constant was that Black Rutile utterly hated him and wanted every opportunity she got to knock him down a peg.
"Well, well, well, look who's all ready for his big day." Black Rutile declared sarcastically as she entered the room to speak with Steven one last time. "Don't get cold feet, old friend. The Slytherophidians wouldn't like that. Then again, they already hate you as is."
"So, what brings you here?" Steven said tepidly. "Want to gloat some more before we fight?"
"Quit reading my mind!" Black Rutile laughed before offering her archenemy a high-five. "Give me five!" Steven didn't answer, causing Black Rutile to high-five herself instead. "But in addition, I come here to inform you of a new plan I've come up with in cooperation with a new acquaintance I've made here with similar designs for the universe as I."
"Who are you talking about?" Steven asked quietly.
"I am, of course, talking about Prince Nosiop Jormagundr." Black Rutile stated. "You'll get to meet him soon, of course, but for now, to give you an idea of what we have planned." She played a holographic image of a tall, humanoid figure looming over the Crystal Gems and zapping them into poofing before the Gems reformed, looking like they had just emerged from a Kindergarten. "Nosiop and the rest of the royal family have connections with a being known as the Lapidarist that can revert all Gemkind into their base programming." She explained. "Meaning that we won't just force the Crystal Gems into being returned to what they were originally created to do, but the Diamonds and all of your little friends too! And maybe as a bonus, you might fall victim to the Lapidarist's powers too, thanks to you possessing good ol' Pink Diamond's gem."
"I knew you would do something like this to get your way!" Steven screamed angrily. "You're a monster!"
"Oh, I'm a monster. I haven't heard that one before." Black Rutile replied with a cross of her arms and a roll of her eyes. "What are you going to do about it? Shatter me? Oh wait, you can't because you're a pacifist! No, pacifist might be too kind for you. You can't shatter me because you're a coward."
"I am not!" Steven yelled back, only for Black Rutile to shut him up with a finger to his lips.
"Oh sure, try and deny it all you want, but let me make one thing clear." Black Rutile stated. "All of this was your fault. All of your friends were abducted by these snake people all because they've been watching you for months on end, and now they're all going to die because you don't want to fight!"
"But that's the idea." Steven tried to explain himself. "I told the king that I refuse to kill people for the entertainment of others, something I'm sure you would love to do."
"Oh sure, even the king is patting you on the back for your cowardice." Black Rutile sneered as she prepared to leave. "But remember that next we meet, you and the other Crystal Gems will finally learn your place under my heel."
"I'll see you in the ring." Steven said as Black Rutile left the room. Once again, she was plotting her revenge, but this time, her plan would involve transforming all Gems into her slaves, the Crystal Gems included. Steven couldn't stand for this. As much as he wanted to stay true to his guns, Black Rutile needed to be stopped once and for all, no matter what it would take.
"I said I've had enough of your bullying, Black Rutile," Steven yelled as soon as he heard another pair of footsteps approach him. "I'll see you in the ring!"
"I'm not Black Rutile, but I still think we need to talk about her," Greg replied in a firm yet gentle and fatherly tone while sitting beside his son.
"Please don't tell me she convinced you I'm a monster." Steven prayed that his beloved father wouldn't betray him.
"What, no?! I would never think such horrible things about my son!" Greg exclaimed. "Black Rutile's a monster, and your kindness aside, anyone else would've wanted to put her down for good with no remorse."
"Then I don't understand why you're talking to me when you barely know her," Steven responded.
"It would be the logical move, the safest move, the sensible move," Greg added.
"But?" Steven asked.
"It's not the Steven move. You trust people. You give them second chances, and they live up to your expectations the best they can." Greg explained. "I mean, Lapis, Peridot, Jasper, Bismuth, Spinel, the Diamonds, White Topaz, they all wanted you dead or out of the way, yet you believed they deserved a chance anyways."
"And here comes Black Rutile to refuse a second chance and live up to how evil she can be." Steven muttered disdainfully.
"No one can deny all the horrible things she did." Greg agreed with his half-human son. "I mean, she formed an entire terrorist organization to get revenge on you AND tried to destroy or conquer Earth multiple times!"
"But now she and Nosiop are plotting to reset the entire Gem race and use them to conquer the universe!" Steven exclaimed.
"True. And if I had your powers, I'd use them to take her down if I had no other option." Greg shook his head in agreement. "But I never thought I'd live to see you consider doing the same. You always find a way."
"Not this time." Steven declared as he got off the couch. "I've had to do a lot of growing up ever since I discovered my powers."
"And you did pretty great despite all you endured." Greg smiled pridefully, remembering all the ups and downs he and his son went through together as Steven grew up.
"For a while. But then I kept letting her get in my head and making me live up to her expectations. It's because of her that I had to leave everyone behind!" Steven exclaimed angrily, only for Greg to not answer him. "Aren't you going to argue with me?"
"Not when you're right, Schtu-ball," Greg replied somberly, knowing what Steven would do next.
"I've had fun, but I knew that when the situation gets serious, so would I!" Steven added.
"I'm not gonna argue with you, Steven," Greg said, not wanting to get into a fight with Steven. "I just wanted to make sure you really thought about this."
"I have, Dad. I'm sorry about what I'm going to do to Black Rutile; I really am." Steven replied firmly as he turned around and prepared to leave for the arena, his eyes briefly glowing a faint pink. "But I'm not a bright-eyed little kid singing songs about ice cream anymore. Playtime's over."
--
"And now, ladies and gentlemen, you've been waiting for this fight for ages now, but at long last, the moment has arrived!" King Cobralan announced to his cheering audience. "In this corner, you know him; you absolutely hate him, Steven Universe!"
As Steven marched out into the arena, he was met with booing and insults from the Slytherophidians, who were eager to see him killed in action. At the same time, the Crystal Gems could only watch helplessly as their human son was forced to fight against his will.
"Please do your best, Steven." Pearl silently prayed for Steven's survival.
"What are the odds of him making out of this alive, Garnet?" Amethyst asked the fusion.
"I'm calculating a 32.33% chance of Steven making this out with perfect mental health," Garnet replied, lowering her shades. "Repeating, of course."
"Well, that's better than he usually does," Jasper added.
"And in this corner, the Striking Shadow of the Rebellion, the leader of the Rutile Rebels, the little Rutile that could, the most wanted criminal known to Gemkind, BLAAAAACK RUTIIIILE!" The Slytherophidians celebrated Black Rutile's introduction, a stark contrast to how Steven was received, as Black Rutile strutted into the arena with her sword over her shoulder.
"You know what shall happen once I win this, right?" Black Rutile snidely asked Steven as she drew her sword. "You shall die, and there will be much rejoicing." To emphasize her point, Aquamarine and Eyeball gave a dry "Yay." from afar.
"I know, but I'm willing to try." Steven said as he nervously summoned his shield to defend himself as Black Rutile furiously charged at her archenemy and tried to stab him with her sword. Throughout the first part of the fight, Steven mainly defended himself with the shield from Black Rutile's attacks, all while she vented her frustrations and insecurities on him.
"Haha, you're just blocking!" Black Rutile laughed. "Typical Steven, never once raising a fist even if his life depended on it! You're just like your mother, just as weak and pathetic a brat as she was!"
"Seriously, pressing the mother button again?!" Steven yelled before he finally decided to throw a punch, but Black Rutile effortlessly caught it and threw him to the ground.
"Oh, what's the matter, little boy?" Black Rutile taunted. "Going to cry? Maybe soil yourself in front of hundreds?"
"So this is going to be our battle?" Steven muttered frustratedly. "Just you making speech after speech in between insulting me? Trust me, if I wanted to hear someone talk about themselves all day, I'd spend time with Peridot or Jasper."
"You know I can hear you, Steven!" Peridot yelled in offense before Jasper pushed her away.
"Come on, Steven, destroy her!" Jasper ordered Steven.
"No, this isn't just a battle. It's a message." Black Rutile replied while holding back tears of rage and sorrow. "A message about how you ruined countless lives with your worthless pacifism, but none more than mine. Before I met you, I was the ideal servant! Proud, ruthless, ruling by intelligence and charisma alone! Under my gentle guidance, entire armies of Gems made civilizations tremble before the Diamonds' might! But then you came along, a mere human boy from a pathetic little ball of dirt thought long abandoned by the Diamonds, a boy who stripped me of my honor and pride that I built my entire identity upon. It was at your hands that I suffered my greatest defeats and was forced to live life as a commoner after giving up everything I had worked for. You could not begin to imagine the disgrace I felt when I was exposed as a mere victim of White Diamond's sense of humor in front of everyone on your world!"
"But you still don't understand!" Steven exclaimed as he got back up and smacked Black Rutile in the face with his shield, making her tears fly free as she parried another attack and pressed her sword against the shield. "You were this way because the Diamonds gave you everything you could've ever wanted, and you still selfishly wanted more! Has it ever occurred to you that you're more like Pink Diamond than you think?!"
Angered by this accusation, Black Rutile slashed at Steven's shield as she began crying in earnest, something that Steven had never seen her do before, if she could even express such sadness at all. "Don't you dare compare me to that overgrown brat! I had suffered for centuries because of her, and now it's because of you that I lost everything!" she screamed tearfully. "I admired the Diamonds so much, but it's all their fault I'm reduced to a shell of my former self! Why do I have to keep chasing after a damned half-human rat who always knew what to do to ruin my life?! Why do you keep getting so strong and winning at everything, and even be acknowledged by the Diamonds as one of them, but why was I the one always getting pushed aside?! Why can't you just accept me for who I am?!"
Steven couldn't believe what he was seeing. Black Rutile, who had prided herself as a cunning, devious, opportunistic, sociopathic monster, was showing real sadness for the first time ever since they first met each other on that faithful day when she and White Topaz interviewed him for their fake news show. Everyone has seen Black Rutile laugh, but now Steven isn't sure if anyone has ever seen her cry.
However, Black Rutile quickly brushed her tears away and replaced her crestfallen frown with a psychotic grin. "But now, with Nosiop and the Lapidarist by my side, I can start anew with a new army, a new Homeworld to rule, and an entire universe at my fingertips to enslave! That's why I needed to come with you, to seize the opportunity like I always do! The Lapidarist shall free us of these petty attachments we have forged with each other, and I have to say, revenge feels pretty good."
"Not yet." Steven firmly stated as he stood his ground and awaited another attack from his nemesis.
"Too little, too late. Story of our lives, Steven Universe." Black Rutile smirked as her sadness turned into insane laughter as she lunged at Steven, ready to kill him once and for all.
--
"So, is this what Black Rutile is truly like?" Dionna of the Sands asked as she and the other Universal Lords watched the fight between the half-human son of Pink Diamond and the rebellious Rutile below their theater box. "I have only heard stories about her atrocities before now."
"Nay, as someone whose life was threatened by her before, this is utterly new to me." Batsputin added with a curious shake of his head. "Never before have I seen someone pour their heart out this much. Metaphorically, of course."
"It is extraordinary to see a Gem act this way." Reximillian agreed with Batsputin. "Is it normal for one of their race to be this emotional?"
"I'm not too sure." King Cobralan answered fearfully. "I'm afraid that should Steven Universe survive this, there should come a time for him to learn the truth."
"The truth about what, my love?" Queen Constricta asked.
"The truth about the origins of Gems and how they connect to us," Cobralan told his wife, making Constricta realize what her husband was talking about. "Captain Boa, inform our special friend at once."
"It shall be done, sire." Captain Boa said as he slithered away. "And I'll make sure to look for Princess Naja and Pyth as well. No one has seen them lately."
"Don't bother, Captain." Nosiop told Boa as he took a break from silently cheering for Black Rutile to face his uncle. "Naja is just in her room, nothing too serious. As for Pyth, wouldn't you like to know?"
--
While the Contest of Champions was going on, Pyth had retreated into his favorite hidden chambers within the royal family's castle with a torch in hand to search for something he hadn't checked up on in decades. Raising his torch to the wall, the Jormagundrs' royal vizier examined a series of stone wall carvings depicting what could come in the future.
They displayed images depicting what appeared to be figures resembling Steven and Black Rutile fighting each other in the arena, then shaking hands, followed by the two of them facing a large humanoid figure with hair resembling White Diamond's, and then them preparing to fight an even bigger snake creature.
"It is just as the prophecy foretold." Pyth stated ominously. "The sword and the shield shall soon reach an understanding after the shield learns of the sword's true inner self, just in time for Ragnarok."
--
"Dang, Black Rutile is really going all out." Greg muttered in surprise at Black Rutile's emotional outburst. "Never expected her to be that broken."
"She's lying, I just know it!" Connie yelled as she struggled to rush out into the arena and back up Steven against Black Rutile. "Black Rutile would never say something like that; she has to be faking it!"
"Connie, please calm down!" Pearl said while holding Connie back from recklessly charging into battle. "I know you love Steven, but I think he can handle himself here."
"Still, I've never seen Black Rutile like this before." White Topaz added. "I've been working with her for ages, and even I don't think she would get this emotional."
"Maybe it's because of how Steven ruined her life." Aquamarine said as she fluttered into view, with Eyeball, Holly Blue, and Cat's Eye beside her. "Think of it: she is only now venting all of her frustrations because, in this world, violence is both the only question and the answer."
"And the answer is yes!" Eyeball added cheerfully.
"Ugh, these guys." Lapis groaned in disgust. "What'll it take for you just to give up already?"
"In all seriousness, even we're questioning our loyalty to Black Rutile right now." Holly Blue declared. "We're so sick of her complaining about her losing; we almost selected a superior leader to replace her!"
"But unfortunately, Black Rutile and his new friend had to come in and ruin our fun!" Cat's Eye declared dramatically and swooned into Holly Blue's arms. "Now we are well and truly lost!"
"I'll believe it when I see it, drama queen." Jasper scoffed in disbelief as everyone turned back to watch the fight with bated breath. The battle between Steven and Black Rutile had just gotten more intense than ever, escalating from a duel between rivals to a clash of warriors. But who would make it out of this fight alive was left to the viewers.
--
"What's wrong, boyo? Too scared to keep fighting?!" Black Rutile snarled viciously as she threw her bowie knife at Steven's eye, only for him to block it with his shield and accidentally injure a Slytherophidian in the audience. "Oh, I get it; you want to go easy on me because you think I'm just so scared and misunderstood!"
"I know what you're going through, Black Rutile. There was a time when I felt scared and alone, too!" Steven exclaimed as he continued fighting back. "Of course, that was half because you made me feel like everything I did was for nothing!"
"Everything you did was for nothing, you pink brat!" Black Rutile responded as she jumped into the air and tried attacking Steven from behind. However, something began to change within Steven in the seconds before she would land the finishing blow.
"You're really just going to stand there and let her kill you?" a familiar voice in Steven's head asked. "Do you give up? Will you abandon their hope? Can you not feel their desperation?" Steven's eyes lit up in shock as the world around him froze, the only ones moving being himself and a being who looked just like him, only more muscular with pink skin and his hair in a pompadour. "Will evil forever rule the universe? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?!"
"You again!" Steven yelled at Inner Steven, facing him. "What do you want with me now? What have I forgotten?"
"I'm asking if you've forgotten what it means to stand up for yourself." Inner Steven said, turning Steven around to face Black Rutile, ready to stab him in the back. "Tell me, my friend, are you ready to surrender and let a monster like her claim the victory she craved for so long?"
"But what if she isn't a monster?" Steven asked his darker half. "Fighting her has given me a whole new perspective on Black Rutile as a person. She feels so lost and alone, and it's all my fault. Maybe if she stopped trying to kill me for a minute, maybe we can finally talk things out!"
"Oh please, she's probably lying as always to play with your sympathy." Inner Steven shook his head in disgust before he got an idea. "As a matter of fact, why don't I take the wheel for a bit? I've been wanting some action for a long time now."
"Well, if that's what you want, then by all means," Steven sighed in resignation before stepping away to let Inner Steven take hold. "go get her, tiger."
"You're too kind, my little friend." Inner Steven grinned happily as time resumed to normal, and Black Rutile was about to stab Steven in the back. However, she was quickly met with Steven grabbing her sword by the blade, not caring about the injuries to his hand it would cause, before saying one word in a very deep voice. "FALL!"
Steven's increased volume sent Black Rutile flying back into the arena walls, creating a significant dent in the wall as the Slytherophidians gawked at Steven's sudden change. Not even the two hecklers had any wisecracks to make because of how shocking this was.
"W-what is this?" Black Rutile stuttered in shock at this new development. "Who are you?! Where is Steven?!"
"He's gone." Steven, now under the control of Inner Steven, declared as his body became a pink silhouette with glowing white eyes and a pair of shields in his hands.
"What did you just say?!" Black Rutile shouted. "Answer me!"
"He's GOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!" Steven boomed loud enough to create a shockwave that rocked the Ouraborium and the entire surrounding city, causing everybody inside to fall over from the sudden yell.
"Wait, this is just like when I removed his gem!" White exclaimed hopefully while the other Diamonds trembled in fear. "If this is anything like that time, then Black Rutile is toast!"
"Steven, you can't do that!" Black Rutile yelled angrily. "This victory is mine!" With an angry battle cry, the Rutile charged at Steven with her sword, ready to kill, only to be grabbed by the face and slammed into the ground. "What happened to you, Steven?! Why are you like this? Answer me, blast you!"
"This is what happens when I cut loose and show you how powerful I really am." Steven announced before picking Black Rutile up and throwing her to the sky before zipping towards the airborne Gem with superhuman speed and striking her with everything he's got. "ATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA-OWATTA!"
"Make it stop, make it stop!" Black Rutile screeched as she felt every last bit of hatred Steven had for her with every attack. But no matter how much she wanted to, she could never poof from the amount of damage she was taking, almost as if Steven wanted her to suffer all the pain she wrought upon others.
As Black Rutile landed on the ground in a cloud of dust while Steven descended from the air, the only thing she could do now was plead for mercy. "No more, Steven Universe! Grant me mercy, I beg of you!"
"You, who are without mercy, now plead for it?" Steven scoffed in disgust at Black Rutile's attempted surrender. "I thought you were made of sterner stuff."
"That's what you think!" Black Rutile briefly regained her bravado and drew her sword, but Steven deflected the attack with his twin shields before grabbing the blade and twisting it into a corkscrew shape.
"No need to wonder where your god is, Black Rutile, for he is right here." Steven declared menacingly, his threat sending shivers down the audience's spines. "And he is fresh out of mercy."
"Oh, how cute, he thinks he's a-." Black Rutile chuckled before she realized what Steven was about to do. "OH SHIT!" With another punch to the face, Black Rutile skidded to the ground so hard she was almost buried within Serpentes's surface. As she burst one hand out of the arena's floor to pick herself back up, Steven stepped on her face, and Black Rutile was forced back into the hole.
"This is where you belong, Black Rutile. Under. My. Heel." Steven coldly declared as Black Rutile continued trying to escape. "Had enough yet?"
"You know what? I give up." Black Rutile said, causing Steven to stop stomping on her as she exited the hole and onto her knees. "Go ahead, kill me. Kill me now." Steven was silent, as if he was hesitating to put her down. "DO IT!"
"FINISH HER! FINISH HER! FINISH HER! FINISH HER!" the Slytherophidians chanted as they beckoned the empowered Steven to shatter Black Rutile just as Steven returned to his senses and realized what he had just done.
"No!" Steven boldly declared upon regaining his humanity. "I refuse to kill someone who's already dead inside as is!" The Slytherophidians gasped in shock at Steven's announcement, but unlike the last time something like this happened, where they made him the scourge of Serpentes, they were willing to hear him out this time. "Just look at Black Rutile here. She's lost everything. Her power, her status, even her dignity. Everything she's been through has reduced my opponent into a pathetic shell of her former self, and I do not think shattering her would grant her any kind of sweet release she would be looking for. Why kill her when she's already killed herself?"
"So that's it? You're sparing me?" Black Rutile muttered in disbelief before she immediately grabbed onto his pant leg like an upset child. "Why?! Why can't you shatter me already?! I've ruined your life, turned you against your friends, and turned the whole universe against you! Why can't you just hate me like I do?!"
"Because after hearing you vent your anger," Steven coldly responded. "nobody hates you more than yourself." On that last word, Steven left the humiliated Black Rutile to be gawked at by the shocked snake people like she was some kind of endangered species. Perhaps Steven was right. No one did hate Black Rutile more than herself. And this made her very worried.
"Uh, this was certainly an unexpected end to such an intense fight." King Cobralan announced as he tried to ease the tension thick enough to be cut with the sharpest swords in the universe. "How about we go to halftime then?!" The Slytherophidians all cheered at the suggestion while their fearless leader wiped the sweat off his brow. "Oh geez, I do not want to know how the Lapidarist will hear about this!"
"Hmph, pathetic." Nosiop scoffed in dismay at Black Rutile's meltdown as a pair of Slytherophidian guards took her away. Regardless of her performance, she was still needed for his plan to succeed, but Nosiop knew she would need to be taken off the board soon.
--
Minutes later, Black Rutile was left to wallow in shame in her personal quarters at the Ouraborium, utterly humiliated by her defeat and how Steven refused to kill her no matter how much she begged him to end her suffering. But no matter what she did, Steven refused to cave into the pressure of others and stuck true to his ideals. "I thought this time, just this once, I thought I was gonna get what I was fighting for."
"Hey, Black Rutile, remember me?" White Topaz said as she entered Black Rutile's quarters to comfort her old master despite how much she was abused in the past. "I just thought I'd stop by and see how you were doing. Man, Steven absolutely destroyed you back there, huh?"
"Don't remind me." Black Rutile sulked angrily as she turned away. "The nerve of that boy, thinking I was more like Pink Diamond than I realized, and how nobody hated me more than me. Can you believe him?! Always projecting his own issues onto others!"
"But it's true, you are like Pink Diamond!" White Topaz agreed with Steven's accusations. "You got everything you could ever want, yet you still think that isn't enough, so you decided to become an evil megalomaniac bent on conquering the universe because you think you'd be a much better leader than any of the Diamonds combined."
"Because that's what I built my identity on! Or at least I thought I did." Black Rutile stated. "Until I learned that everything I worked for was because White Diamond found my dreams of greatness funny. I swear on my gem, once I learn more about the Lapidarist, I will restore everything to its proper order, except that only I shall be made leader of all Gemkind!"
"Then you truly are lost." White Topaz declared sadly, having now lost all hope in helping Black Rutile make a change. "Goodbye, my Rutile."
As White Topaz turned away and left Black Rutile behind, her former superior could only cry out for her ex-bodyguard to come back. "Topaz, get back here at once! Topaz!" The doors shut behind White Topaz, leaving Black Rutile alone in her room. "TOPAZ!" She fruitlessly pounded on the door with tears in her eyes, desperately trying to get White Topaz's attention, but to no avail.
What once was a proud, arrogant conqueror with delusions of grandeur was now a broken, lonely shell of her former self. Thus continues the tragic tale of the life of Black Rutile.
--
"What was all that for?!" Steven yelled at Inner Steven in the meantime. "You could've gotten Black Rutile seriously hurt or worse!"
"It's the least she deserves after all she's done to you." Inner Steven firmly retorted while folding his metaphorical arms. "Let's see, lying to you and all your friends, attempting to kill you, gaslighting you into betraying your friends, attempting to destroy the Earth multiple times, shall I go on? Going easy on her just wouldn't be enough if you ask me. Consider yourself lucky you made it out with your mental health intact."
Just then, there was a knock at Steven's door. "We'll settle this later, Inner Me. I think someone wants to see me." Steven said to the personification of his darker impulses as he opened the door to find Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl beside King Cobralan. "Oh hey, guys. Sorry, I got you all worried back there."
"Nah, we're not talking about how you utterly creamed Black Rutile in your fight." Amethyst shook her head morosely.
"We're here because King Cobralan wants to speak with you about something." Garnet added before nodding to Pearl.
"So, Your Majesty, what did you want to say to him?" Pearl asked the Slytherophidian king.
"I wanted to tell Steven that it's time he learns the truth." King Cobralan said forebodingly.
--
In Loving Memory of David McCallum
September 19, 1933 – September 25, 2023
"So many different ways to tell a story, but that's what makes them so interesting. You can never predict how they're going to turn out."
-Professor Paradox, Ben 10 Omniverse: "And Then There Were Ben"
So ends quite possibly the longest chapter of Snake Eyes yet, and how fitting that it's the chapter marking the halfway point. From here on out, Black Rutile has turned into full tragic villain, we get more hints on her big scheme with Nosiop and Pyth, and next time, Steven learns the origins of the Gems we've all been waiting for. And I can assure you, it'll be one of the biggest bomb drops I've written not just for Alternate Future, but for any of my stories in general. See you then.
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dear-indies · 5 months
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hi!! could i please get some recs for a sophie nelisse family - parents, two older sisters, and a younger brother. i know this is a lot of recs to ask for so thank you so much in advance!!
Both blond/e and brunette suggestions!
Clancy Brown (1959)
Clint Howard (1959)
Kenneth Branagh (1960)
Kristin Scott Thomas (1960)
Daryl Hannah (1960)
Hugh Grant (1960)
Meg Ryan (1961)
David Foley (1963)
Laura Linney (1964)
Christopher Eccleston (1964)
Sarah Lancashire (1964)
Robin Wright (1966)
Nicole Kidman (1967)
Rhys Ifans (1967)
Anthony Michael Hall (1968)
Daniel Craig (1968)
Jeri Ryan (1968)
Naomi Watts (1968)
Jason Bateman (1969)
Michael Sheen (1969)
Peter Dinklage (1969) - has achondroplasia.
Elizabeth Mitchell (1970)
Melissa McCarthy (1970)
Heather Graham (1970)
Maxine Peake (1974) - is pro Palestine!
Sisters:
Loiza Lamers (1995) - is trans.
Hadley Robinson (1995)
Julia Schlaepfer (1995)
Jessie Mei Li (1995) Hongkonger / English - is a gender non-conforming woman who uses she/they, is pro Palestine!
Kristine Froseth (1995)
Sarah Dugdale (1995)
Lauren McQueen (1996)
Kayla Heller (1996) Indonesian / White.
Jeanne Goursaud (1996)
Mary Mouser (1996)
Sasha Pieterse (1996)
Grace Van Dien (1996) - is pro Palestine!
Thea Sofie Loch Naess (1996) - is pro Palestine!
Zara Larsson (1997) - is pro Palestine!
Elena Kampouris (1997)
Antonia Gentry (1997) Afro Jamaican / White.
Madeleine Arthur (1997)
Giorgia Whigham (1997)
Havana Rose Liu (1997) Chinese / White - is pansexual.
Ivanna Sakhno (1997)
Brother:
Morgan Davies (2001) - is trans.
Tom Taylor (2001)
Ed Oxenbould (2001)
Cooper van Grootel (2001)
Hope these are useful!
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bored-libra · 1 year
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2022 in books
january:
the architecture of happiness by alain de bottom
an american marriage by tayari jones
filter house by nisi shawl
february:
the metamorphosis by franz kafka
the worst best man by mia sosa
the hating game by sally throne
utopia avenue by david mitchell
march:
people we meet on vacation by emily henry
it happened one summer by tessa bailey
hook, line, and sinker by tessa bailey
the unhoneymooners by christina lauren
the spanish love deception by elena armas
minor detail by adania shibli
get a life, chloe brown by talia hibbert
take a hint, dani brown by talia hibbert
act your age, eve brown by talia hibbert
born to run by bruce springsteen
homesick for another world by ottessa moshfegh
the kiss quotient by helen hoang
the love hypothesis by ali hazelwood
boy parts by eliza clark
fix her up by tessa bailey
before the coffee gets cold by toshikazu kawaguchi
april:
tools of engagement by tessa bailey
nausea by jean-paul sartre
the fine print by lauren asher
the brothers karamazov by fyodor dostoevsky
happy hour by marlowe granados
love and other words by christine lauren
may:
fear and loathing in las vegas by hunter s. thompson
lolita by vladimir nabokov
june:
atonement by ian mcewan
an enchantment of ravens by margaret rogerson
six of crows by leigh bardugo
house of earth and blood by sarah j. maas
house of sky and breath by sarah j. maas
breakfast at tiffany’s & other voices, other rooms: two novels by truman capote
bunny by mona awad
when he was wicked by julia quinn
rebecca by daphne du maurier
fight club by chuck palahtniuk
july:
yolk by mary h.k. choi
milk fed by melissa broder
junky by william s. burroughs
in the dream house by carmen maria machado
august:
breakfast of champions by kurt vonnegut jr
animal by lisa taddeo
one last stop by casey mcquiston
the antichrist by friedrich nietzsche
shop girl by steve martin
a room with a view by e.m. forster
a court of thorns and roses by sarah j. maas
a court of mist and fury by sarah j. maas
a court of wings and ruin by sarah j. maas
september:
orlando by virginia woolf
coraline by neil gaiman
book lovers by emily henry
october:
almond by sohn won-pyung
l.a. woman by eve babitz
catch-22 by joseph heller
exciting times by naoise dolan
november:
tender is the flesh by augstina bazterrica
a grief observed by c.s. lewis
little birds by anaïs nin
cultish: the language of fanaticism by amanda montell
december:
role models by john waters
the hobbit by j.r.r. tolkien
the seven husbands of evelyn hugo by taylor jenkins reid
the awakening by kate chopin
reel to real: race, sex, and class at the movies by bell hooks
tales from the cafe by toshikazu kawaguchi
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at one point hamilton wrote John Laurens a letter essentially asking him to describe his build and his naked form to any ladies he met and also offered a threesome on his wedding night
insane man
his writings are hilarious though
the entire premise of the Reynolds pamphlet is ‘I didn’t engage in speculation but even if I DID, I wouldn’t do it with someone as STUPID as James Reynolds’ kid you not, first three pages
@heller-castiel
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Canon Sapphic Characters Tournament Round 1 (Bracket 6) Master Post
Meh Yewll (Defiance) vs Amae Rali (Vagrant Queen)
Yuri Han (XO, Kitty) vs Leighton Murray (The Sex Lives of College Girls)
Delia Busby (Call the Midwife) vs Carina DeLuca (Station 19)
Nova Bordelon (Queen Sugar) vs Tara Thornton (True Blood)
Anissa Pierce (Black Lightning) vs Queen Maeve (The Boys)
Bernie Wolfe (Holby City) vs Kerry Weaver (ER)
Naomi Pierce (Succession) vs Camille L'Espanaye (The Fall of the House of Usher)
Susan Ivanova (Babylon 5) vs Camille Wray (Stargate Universe)
Kat Edison (The Bold Type) vs Lauren Heller (Younger)
Fleabag (Fleabag) vs Shona O'Keefe (This Way Up)
Josephine Barry (Anne with an E) vs Babs (A Series of Unfortunate Events)
Aline Penhallow (Shadowhunters) vs Tamsin (Lost Girl)
Wendy Carr (Mindhunter) vs Hayes Morrison (Conviction)
Chanel #3 (Scream Queens) vs Winter Anderson (American Horror Story: Cult)
Maya St. Germain (Pretty Little Liars) vs Veronica Lodge (Riverdale)
Sterling Wesley (Teenage Bounty Hunters) vs Bess Marvin (Nancy Drew)
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isaterriblebore · 2 years
Note
4, 6, 11 (for herbfred), 13, 30 for the vampire musical ;)
4. Favourite Scene?
- Either Wenn Liebe In Dir Ist or basically any scene with Alfred and the Professor because I just love their relationship so much 🥺
6. First Impression of it?
- I thought it definitely wasn’t for me. I hated vampires. Then someone managed to persuade me to watch it by telling me there was a pathetic man in and I was sold.
Then I watched it with my bestie @rrrrrumpleteazer and then I was hooked almost instantly 💛
11. Favourite actor portrayal for Herbfred?
- I’m assuming you mean Herbert and Alfred separately? 😂
Alfred: Michael Heller or Anton Zetterholm at the moment.
Herbert: Marc Liebisch! Or Charles Kreische.
13. How did you hear about it?
From my bestie, Lauren 💛
30. Favourite Ship?
- Alfred and Herbert of course 😌
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committingtothetbr · 26 days
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The List.
Hi Everyone! After some demand, people would like to see the current TBR that I have in place for myself! For all the 63 books, we have a lot of different options. I kinda read everything haha (Please note that if I have the same series, I plan to read the series at least for the first book. If I like it, I will continue on.)
Icebreaker by Hannah Grace
Too Hot to Handle by Tessa Bailey
The Witch Collector by Charissa Weaks
Part of Your World by Abby Jimenez
Lightlark by Alex Aster
The Bone Shard Daughter by Andrea Stewart
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid
That Dark Infinity by Kate Pentecost
Book of Night by Holly Black
Sinner by Sierra Simone
If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio
Bite of Loyalty by R.L. Caulder
The City of Brass by S.A. Charkraborty
Furyborn by Claire Legrand
For the Wolf by Hannah Whitten
Where the Crawdad Sings by Delia Owens
The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang
In Five Years by Rebecca Serle
The Shadow Between Us by Tricia Levenseller
The Secret Life of Addie Larue by V.E. Schwab
Realm Breaker by Victoria Aveyard
Namesake by Adrienne Young
Bringing Down the Duke by Evie Dunmore
The Paper Palace by Miranda Cowley Heller
We Hunt the Flame by Hafsah Faizal
Soulmate Equation by Christina Lauren
The Beautiful by Renee Ahdieh
Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid
The Witch’s Heart by Genevieve Gornichec
Think Again by Adam Grant
These Twisted Bonds by Lexi Ryan
Kingdom of the Feared by Kerri Maniscalco
Once Upon a Broken Heart by Stephanie Garber
Beach Read by Emily Henry
The Chain by Adrian McKinty
King of Battle & Blood by Scarlett St. Clair
A River Enchanted by Rebecca Ross
Yinka, Where is your Husband? by Lizzie Damilolam Blackburn
The War of Two Queens by Jennifer L. Armentrout
A Darker Shade of Magiv by V.E. Schwab
The Bridge Kingdom by Danielle L. Jensen
The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden
The Traitor Queen by Danielle L. Jensen
The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin
Rhapsodic by Laura Thalassa
The Curse of Saints by Kate Dramis
A Soul of Ash & Blood by Jennifer L. Armentrout
Divine Rivals by Rebecca Ross
Vicious by V.E. Schwab
The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller
The Kiss of Deception by Mary E. Pearson
The Awakening by Nora Roberts
The Girl Who Could Move Shit With Her Mind by Jackson Ford
Deal with the Elf King by Elise Kova
Once More Upon a Time by Roshani Chokshi
The Duke & I by Julia Quinn
Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao
Any recommendations on where to begin? I could use help!
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djmusicbest · 2 months
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Mika's "Lite" Charts by Mika Olson
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- Artists: DATE CREATED: 2024-02-21 GENRES: Afro House, Deep House Tracklist : 1. Mika Olson - Lite(Extended Mix) 2. Maverick Sabre, Tom Breu, Vintage Culture - Weak(Extended) 3. Hardy Heller, Alex Connors - Remembrance(Extended Version) 4. Route 94, Jess Glynne - My Love(Original Mix) 5. Dilby - Barricade(Extended Mix) 6. Dennis Cruz - Time Out(Original Mix) 7. Azoto - San Salvador(Breeze and The Sun & Neil Amarey Remix) 8. Crew Deep - Location(T.Markakis Remix Extended) 9. Kevin Yost, Peter Funk - Trust(Original Version) 10. Lauren Lane - Fair Game(Original Mix) 11. Yves Murasca - Right On(Augusto Gagliardi Extended Remix) 12. Valer den Bit - Feel Me(Extended Mix)   Download FileCat Read the full article
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muznew · 2 months
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Mika's "Lite" Charts by Mika Olson
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- Artists: DATE CREATED: 2024-02-21 GENRES: Afro House, Deep House Tracklist : 1. Mika Olson - Lite(Extended Mix) 2. Maverick Sabre, Tom Breu, Vintage Culture - Weak(Extended) 3. Hardy Heller, Alex Connors - Remembrance(Extended Version) 4. Route 94, Jess Glynne - My Love(Original Mix) 5. Dilby - Barricade(Extended Mix) 6. Dennis Cruz - Time Out(Original Mix) 7. Azoto - San Salvador(Breeze and The Sun & Neil Amarey Remix) 8. Crew Deep - Location(T.Markakis Remix Extended) 9. Kevin Yost, Peter Funk - Trust(Original Version) 10. Lauren Lane - Fair Game(Original Mix) 11. Yves Murasca - Right On(Augusto Gagliardi Extended Remix) 12. Valer den Bit - Feel Me(Extended Mix)   Download FileCat Read the full article
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phasingval · 4 months
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Du har prøvd gang på gang å skyve oss bort. Hver gang vi følte vi kom noen vei, så kom det tilbakefall etter tilbakefall, hvor du sa ufine ting - spesielt til meg. Eg kan ikkje unngå å merke ironien av at du bare gikk fra server/gruppechatter nøyaktig slik som Kristi, selv om du har argret deg over hvordan hun gjorde det helt siden hun gikk. For ikkje å snakke om at det var meg det gikk utover når det ble opplevd at Cendre var favoritten. Du tok det ikkje opp med Marcus, men tok det opp med meg. Eg måtte endre ting. Eg måtte passe på hvordan eg gjorde ting.
Er det forventet at eg skal la deg piske ut når som helst? At eg aldri kan si at nok er nok, uten at eg blir anklaget for å ikkje bry meg? Å aldri ha brydd meg? Ofte så kommer det til et punkt der ting blir for mye. At Marcus for eksempel måtte velge at hans helse, situasjonen med familien hans, hans psyke, var viktigere for han enn å være der for deg. Spesielt når det konstant opplevdes at du prøvde å skyve oss bort heller enn å kommunisere hva du trengte, hva du følte, hva vi kunne gjøre.
Eg prøvde aldri å belæare deg om din egen situasjon - eg prøvde å gi deg et perspektiv utenfra. Fordi eg veit sjøl at når eg er på en så mørk plass (og det er vel og vitenskapelig bevist at folk legger mer merke til det negative, og har en forvrengt virkelighetsoppfattelse når de er veldig deprimerte) at eg ikkje oppfatter ting slik de er. At eg ser skygger bak alle ord og handlinger, og tolker alt i verste mening. Eg prøvte å gjøre for deg det Lauren og enkelte andre gjør for meg: være et anker til realiteten. Som kan ærlig si hva de oppfatter ut fra informasjonen tilgjengelig.
Eg beklager at det ikkje har vært det du har trengt. Eg beklager at eg feilvurderte hvilken hjelp du trenger. Det er grunnen til at eg hele tiden har oppfordret deg til å oppsøke hjelp. Fordi eg har visst at eg ikkje kan gi det du trenger. At Marcus ikkje kan gi det du trenger.
Eg har prøvd, og eg har feilet. Og nå er eg livredd for å si noe som helst, fordi eg er redd for at du skal begynne en ny spiral.
Eg har unngått å snakke om ting - viktige ting - i frykt av din sinnstilstand. Eg har latt meg selv være såret og hatt det vondt, for å ikkje legge mer på dine skuldre. Fakta er, at i mitt forsøk på å hjelpe deg ut av vannet, i mitt forsøk på å redde deg fra drukning, så har du konstant dratt meg under. Og nå er eg så utmattet at eg såvidt klarer å holde mitt eget hode over vann.
På nyttår ga Marcus opp. Han bestemte seg for at nei, han kan ikkje gjøre mer. Han har prøvd. Men han kan ikkje la seg drukne i forsøket på å hjelpe - han må tenke på seg selv og familien. Og for det, så sier dere at han ikkje brydde seg. At han ikkje har kapasitet til å bry seg. At det bare var fine ord og ikkje handling. Nøyaktig hva skulle han gjøre? Hva skulle han si? Hva kunne han gjort, for at du skulle hatt det bedre nå?
Ingenting. For det er ikkje på hans skuldre. Det var aldri på hans skuldre. Det er bare én person som kan gjøre noe, realistisk sett - og det er deg. Vi kan prøve å hjelpe deg. Prøve å armere deg med sentimenter som kan hjelpe. Du betyr noe. Du har en plass i verdenen, i historien. Vi bryr oss om deg. Du er viktig. Du fortjener å ha det godt. Men ingenting av dette hjelper når vi ikkje kan gjøre så mye. Eg kan prøve å komme med observasjoner utenfra alt eg bare vil, men det nytter ikkje om du ikkje lytter, om du ikkje ser det selv, om du ikkje tror meg.
Eg har følt meg ansvarlig for alt. Alle gangene du har skrevet ting, og slettet de. Alle gangene du har lagt det på meg. At eg skal ha løsningen til å fikse alt.
Du ba meg finne liket ditt. Du har gjentatte ganger sagt det ikkje blir begravelse eller minnestund. "Fuck deg, ikkje kom i begravelsen"
Du har vridd ting eg har sagt og lagt intensjoner og ord i min (og marcus sin) munn, for å bruke de som nye pisker mot deg selv.
Er det forventet at eg skal utholde dette i det uendelige? Skal eg alltid måtte sitte å holde inne at eg er såret, at eg er skadet av deg når du slår rundt deg i fortvilelse? Angrer du på det du har sagt? Ja. Så klart. Men det endrer ikkje at det er blitt sagt. Skal eg holde ting for meg selv, ha det vondt, for å stille deg i et bedre lys til folk rundt meg? Som om mine foreldre ikkje er bekymret fordi de har sett at eg har blitt verre og verre?
Du skulle sett mor sitt ansikt når eg fortalte at du hadde bedt meg finne liket ditt.
Og når eg tenker over det… måten du nektet å la oss ta deg til legevakten, valgte å heller la meg bekymre meg, lide, frykte. Og nå føles det som om det forventes at eg bare skal ta det. At eg ikkje har noe valg. At du er mitt ansvar.
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