(quick clarification: this post is specifically about neurodivergent transmeds refusing to use people's neos out of an apparent disrespect and using their neurodivergence as an excuse to legitimately be mean. feel free to add more stuff onto this in the replies!)

hey guys don't mean to be queer on main but i think people using their neurodivergency as an excuse to misgender people isn't ok actually.

i've seen stories of quite a few people who use the fact that they have ADHD (or some other condition that may cause memory issues) and can't remember things well as an excuse to "forget" someone's neopronouns, even after being asked by that person multiple times to refer to them with those pronouns. this isn't ok on so many levels.

first of all, i think it's incredibly guilt-trippy to make someone feel bad about accidentally being ableist by expressing themselves, when in reality, they haven't done anything wrong at all. using funky and obscure pronouns is not ableist in any way just because some people might have issues remembering them, and i think the take that neopronouns are ableist, especially for that reason, is an incredibly ridiculous and purely situational excuse to be mean.

that's like if someone told you their name, and then you got mad at them for using that name because you struggle to remember it and you demanded them to use a name that's easier and more convenient for you to use, rather than the name that the other person feels comfortable with. that's not an accommodation, that's just being an asshole.

second of all, some neurodivergent people (such as autistic people for example) struggle with change and complex concepts like language and pronouns. it's hard to get used to using neopronouns or someone changing their pronouns sometimes, especially when it happens for the first time because you're so used to it. however. finding change hard is NOT an excuse to misgender someone for your own comfort. someone's deeply personal identity should not be the cost of your own convenience, and refusing to acknowledge and respect that identity by not doing the bare minimum that is using their pronouns is incredibly close-minded and harmful.

third of all, the way someone chooses to express themselves is literally none of your business. someone uses pronouns that are confusing and seem grammatically incorrect to you? none of your business. someone's using "stereotypical" pronouns that "make the queer/autistic community look silly"? not your problem. we're all a little silly.

if you're neurodivergent and you find neopronouns, or any pronouns, difficult to remember or understand, here are some tips you can try instead of being mean:

make a fun little chart of people's names, their pronouns and how to pronounce them (ex. Name | Pronouns | Pronounce)! colour code them, use stickers and drawings, anything that will help you remember which pronouns someone uses. stuff like whiteboards and docs can work well for people who frequently change their pronouns or have a lot of them. making the chart fun, personalised and memorable can help a lot with memory issues for a lot of people.

try practising saying or typing their pronouns, whether that's in the mirror or in group chats. there's some really good pronoun dressing room websites that help illustrate how to use more obscure pronouns in conversation.

feel free to ask people! if you can, ask them what their pronouns are and how to pronounce them. i'm sure they will not be mad and will gladly help you learn :) (though please remember to not out someone and their pronouns if they are in an unsafe place. make sure they feel comfortable first before asking/telling someone about their pronouns because some spaces can be really bigoted and unsafe unfortunately.)

make a character that has neopronouns! making an OC that you get attached to can help you familiarise yourself with the concept and referring to that character frequently with their pronouns!

hopefully this is helpful. if you end up seeing anyone in the neurodivergent community use their neurodivergence and an excuse to misgender someone, please block them and don't start an argument. bigotry will not be tolerated in this community or on my blog.

disclaimer: this post is NOT saying that having memory issues/issues with change makes you a bad person, nor does it make you intentionally ignorant and rude. this post is specifically about people who willfully refuse to respect and use someone's correct pronouns on the basis that they're neurodivergent and find them confusing, and choose to intentionally misgender people for their own comfort/convenience.

edit: also!! i should add that this post isn't saying that nd people who legitimately find neopronouns as a concept difficult to grasp (such as people with learning disabilities) are bad people either! that was something i didn't think of when writing this because this post is more about neurodivergent transmeds/transphobes i've seen in the queer and nd communities specifically, but yeah!! i think accommodations absolutely should be made if a neurodivergent person finds themselves having communication difficulties related to neopronouns because some disabled people actually cannot use them. for extra clarification i have added a disclaimer at the beginning of this post. (thanks to @zolf for pointing this out in the notes)

Any tips on writing nonbinary characters? Like, any 'do's and 'don't's? I really wanna get it right, so I thought I'd ask someone who actually identifies as nonbinary :)

Any tips on writing nonbinary/trans characters?

I got two asks for this (maybe from the same person?) and it’s taken me some time to write an answer since this is such a broad... question. 

Thing is, nonbinary is both a gender in and of itself but also kinda an umbrella term? Since you also have people who are agender, bigender, genderfluid, etc. who would also technically fall under the umbrella, but don’t call themselves nonbinary since that’s not the label they want, and since the latter labels are a lot more... specific. 

Non-binary simply means that someone identifies as a gender outside the binary of man and woman and that’s it. 

There’s also the fact that I’m pretty sure I have some opinions other nonbinary people wouldn’t agree with (for example, I dislike neopronouns. Xir/Xe and Zie/Zir are the only ones that’s pronounceable to me. And I straight up dislike nounself pronouns and actively avoid people who only use nounself pronouns since to me, they are. Too hard and complicated to use. I remember reading a really good post on why nounself pronouns are linguistically incorrect in English and how to properly format them to be correct, but I dunno where that post is now) which is also why I have been hesitant about this.

Also it’s a complex... hmm thing. So yeah.

I think the first thing to ALWAYS remember when writing a minority character is that their status as a minority is not their only trait. Don’t use cliches. Don’t make them one-dimensional and make an enby’s entire personality revolving around the fact they’re enby. It’s othering, at least to me, and just plain bad writing. 

Another thing is, even tho I wish there were more books out there about being enby (are there any really out there at all?) for the most part I think cis authors should be careful and kinda tread around writing about an enby’s life and being enby. Unless you have done a shit ton of research, know exactly what you’re doing, and have talked to multiple different enbys (and not just over text either), I would merely have the character. Be there.

1) it’s a lot easier who wants to do all that research?? 

2) still counts as rep (as long as it’s positive)

So how do you write (possibly?) positive rep for a enby character? Let’s go back to pronouns. The most versatile and acceptable pronouns for enby people is they/them tbh. It’s completely gender-neutral. There are enby people who use gendered pronouns as well (She/her, he/him, maybe they use all three!) but writing-wise, it would be easiest to keep to one set of pronouns to make the writing easier to read. I dunno about anyone else, but I for sure would get tripped up and confused if a character’s pronouns change throughout a book. (Maybe it can be written well idk but I don’t think I’d like it personally sorry) so for the most part? I suggest just sticking with they/them. It’s the easiest to write. 

Also, I suggest to never call your enby characters “it”. Yes, some irl enbys like “it” as a pronoun, but to most it’s dehumanizing, so it’s best to avoid it I think. 

Interestingly enough, even tho they/them is the easiest to write with, it can also be a little tricky at times! Sometimes you’ll have to format sentences differently so readers can understand the difference between the singular and plural forms of they/them. Personally, it’s a fun writing exercise to me! So if anything, writing about an enby character can actually help stretch some different writing muscles so to speak. 

And speaking of pronouns, never ever have the narration misgender the character. Never. Hell, usually, I don’t even have characters or even the VILLAINS of my books misgender characters. And my reasoning behind this is: I dislike using transphobia/enbyphobia as a tool to show a villain is evil--their actions alone in the novel should be enough. And two: if even the evilest of villains aren’t transphobic... that says a lot to me. It speaks VOLUMES and is a lot more powerful of an (unsaid) statement then having your villains be transphobes. (but that’s just my opinion ofc!!) 

Now, to me, if you’re just writing about a enby side character, I would just have them. Be there. Not misgendered, everyone regarding them using the proper pronouns, and avoiding gendered language (which can be hard as it is hardwired into us without us even knowing, for instance!) so make sure you edit accordingly. 

Also, and I think this should be OBVIOUS by now, but PLEASE do not write a “forced coming out” scene. Like, where the cis character walks in on an enby character changing clothes or whatever. Like. That is. So over with and done. Ik that terrible trope fits trans men/women characters better, but I think it’s still important to say here, esp if you’re writing an enby character who tries to pass as the opposite of their birth gender or binds/stuffs/packs/etc at all. It’s uncomfortable, possibly triggering, and honestly? Super cliche. It’s bad writing, my friend. 

And whether or not you want to make the direct statement that they are an enby is kinda up to you? There’s arguments for and against it. If you can fit it into the story safely without making anything clunky, go for it! You can either have the character themselves tell someone how they identify, or maybe they’re being introduced and they ask the person they are introducing themselves to to use “they/them” since they are an enby. I’m sure there are other, more creative ways to do this, but yeah. This specific topic is super situational so I would have a sensitivity reader (or two!) to read over what you write to make sure it’s okay. 

Okay the last thing I’m gonna talk about is character description. Ignoring the fact I personally am terrible at it, there’s a kinda huge divide here. 

For one, a lot of authors and I think enby people in general don’t want others to know their birth gender, which is understandable. And with writing, there isn’t any visual clues besides what you write down. The world is your oyster, you can have your character look like anything, the reader won’t know the birth gender unless you use gendered language. 

The tricky thing is this, tho: the stereotypical enby person/character is someone who is skinny white and vaguely masculine. I, personally, despise this stereotype with my whole being. Imo, enby people can dress and look however they want. Clothes are just fabrics we put onto our flesh bodies. If girls can enjoy pants and boys can like dresses and skirts, then enbys can dress however they want to as well. That’s a freedom I think everyone should have. Clothes don’t dictate gender. Enby people also can’t control what they look like. Some people.. just won’t ever be able to pass as androgynous (unless they Really Work at it, like me!!) and it’s unfair to them I think as well. 

That being said, writing an enby with feminine clothing, for example, will probably have your reader think of them as DFAB, unfortunately, unless you are really careful.

Other things that can make your reader think of an enby’s birth gender: describing them having to wear a bra or having a period, describing if they have to shave their face or not or how much facial hair they grow, describing their genitalia AT ALL, describing them with certain face/body shapes, describing their hair length (possibly), if they wear a binder or stuff a bra or pack, describing if they wear makeup and the list can go on. 

Some people would think you should avoid this completely, which is why vaguely masculine is what people go for. it’s the typical androgynous look (which isn’t bad pe se and I don’t wanna insult anyone who looks like that!) but imo what would be more normalizing and important is to have enby characters look how they want, choose if they wanna wear a binder or not, if they wear makeup, and etc. 

Some people might thing the above is completely fine and that it’s important to show anyone can be enby and you’re still valid as an enby even if you might not “pass” for instance or don’t try your best to conceal certain secondary sex characteristics. Others might think you should make your enby characters as androgynous as possible, even in the stereotypical way. 

Which view is right? Dammed if I know, and I don’t think one is or not. But it is something to think about. I think the stereotypical response to a cis author would be to go with the safest option and allow enby authors write about enby characters breaking gender roles, but honestly, it is your character. Whether you make your enby character vaguely masculine to avoid those pitfalls or go balls to the walls and do whatever you want because enbys can dress and look how they want fuck you all is up to you. Do what you think your character would do and design them to match their personality. I don’t think people should be boxed into what sort of characters they are allowed to make. 

And don’t be afraid to make mistakes. It’s okay if you fuck something up by accident or are accidentally insensitive. And honestly? Groups of people aren’t a hivemind. No matter how good your representation is, there will be someone who disagrees with you and thinks you didn’t “write it correctly”

all I can say is: learn as much as you can, always strive to keep learning and listening, and do the best you can. You can’t succeed if you don’t try and you can’t learn without making a few mistakes along the way. 

(And as for trans characters... I myself am not a trans man/woman so idk how to best say what not to do, but I think it follows the same as above for the most part? I’d ask the opinion of a trans man or woman first rather than an enby like me, as even I have fucked up writing about my trans woman character in the past. I’ve learned a lot since then, but I think I am still learning and would rather not educate someone on a topic such as that. Also this post is already long and I am Tired of writing about this topic lol) 

I rambled a lot as usual and I am so so sorry. It’s late and this was SUCH a broad question I didn’t?? Really know how to answer so YEAH SORRY if this is no help at all!! I tried my best!!

On Jin and the Mom thing.

The “stop calling Jin Mom” arguments should to be more clear and actually address the issue fans are trying to bring attention to: the unbalanced levels of popularity among the members of BTS, and the lack of opportunities when it comes to not only solo activity, but also Bangtan’s activity as a group. Jin fans are frustrated and rightfully so, but when we simplify it to which nicknames people use to refer to Jin or try and force people to love and stan him; “don’t sleep on him” – none of this actually helps Jin. The hostility and the disrespect, the policing of the fandom? Also not helping. Calling Jin Mom is not bad. He has not said anything, specifically, about not wanting to be referred to as Mom. He refers to himself as the dorm mother, the other boys have also done this. It is a joke between Jin, Bangtan, and all us fans. Jin’s masculinity is not in danger because fans call him mom. Jin is not any less masculine because fans call him mom. Why, especially, is it so wrong for a man to be referred to as mom? Are moms bad? Let’s say, hypothetically, moms are females ergo: womanly and feminine. Why is a man having any of these qualities a bad thing? This is called misogyny. Please stop pushing this toxic masculinity onto Jin, and onto all men. Men can be moms. Women can be dads. Anyone can be a mom. Anyone can be a dad. There are a lot of people throwing around words like misgendering and pronouns and they are being used incorrectly. Mom is not a gender. Mom is not a pronoun. Wife? Princess? These are also not genders. These are also not pronouns. We have all seen the posts about the fansign where Jin asked fans to stop calling him Princess, and yes we should, of course, respect this. Is everyone going to stop? No. Is that annoying? Yes. Is that misgendering? No. I genuinely ask some of you, especially those of you arguing in Jin’s “defense” to please do some research and educate yourselves on such things as misgendering, pronouns, gender identity, toxic masculinity and misogyny. Even just to google them for a general definition. “Feminine nicknames”, “Feminine labels”, “Just use male words instead of female words and we’ll stop”. Females and males and anyone and everything in between can not be singularly defined by your idea of what they should and should not be. A person is not defined by their gender, their sex, their organs or their pronouns. There is so much more to a person, so many bits and pieces and parts that make them who they are and this is wonderful. Nicknames? Are not defined by nor are they limited to a specific gender. “Traditionally…” No. “Usually…” No. “Men do not like to be referred to…” You can not speak for all men. “Everyone…” Nope, I’m sorry. Not everyone. Who gets to decide the “default” that is trying to be pushed here? Who is deciding, above any and all else, that these specific words and these specific phrases are supposed to be limited to exclusively females and exclusively males? Why are only females allowed to be moms? Why are only males allowed to be dads? If you refuse to, or are uncomfortable with, questioning this then you should not be using a term like misgendering. Misgendering is a really serious issue. It’s bigger than Jin. It’s bigger than Kpop. It’s bigger than all of us. You should not take an issue and isolate it, dissect it, and then use it at your convenience for the sake of an argument. By doing this you are invalidating all those who suffer at the hands of it – you are taking their pain and their experience and completely overlooking it because it does not suit your needs. That is wrong and toxic and a poisonous mindset. Misgendering affects millions of people. It hurts people. It harms people. It scars them and breaks them down and it does real, serious damage. People are hurting and being invalidated and completely erased – and we lose these beautiful, precious souls because there are still people in this world who choose to remain ignorant on these issues, who refuse to question the “norm”. If we keep allowing society and fear/intolerance/ignorance to dictate the idea of a “norm” or “default” that has long since reached it’s expire and destroy date, we will miss out on the beauty of positive change and accepting people for who they are and who they want to be. There is power in being informed. There is power in having your own opinions. And there is power in education. “That has nothing to do with what I’m talking about, this is about Jin.” EXACTLY. You are answering your own question. If someone is actually misgendering Jin? Yes, okay. You can ask them not to. You can be polite and civil and ask them not to do that. But it is not the same as calling him mom. Calling him mom is not misgendering him because mom is not a gender. If you are using words like misgendering, expect others to open a discussion with you ABOUT misgendering. That is how conversation, how discussions, work. If you don’t want to have a discussion about misgendering, do not use the word misgendering. Dig deeper into the issue you’re trying to address, and be clear with the point you are trying to make. Trying to police other fans on how they choose (read here: choose) to follow and love Jin and the rest of Bangtan – any group or artist, for that matter – is something we cannot do. Honestly? It’s a fight you will not win. People can and will do what they like in fandom and that will not change. What we can do is tell people about all the amazing and beautiful parts of Jin that make him who he is. Being mean, disrespectful, vague and passive aggressive are not ways to do this. It looks bad and sadly, by association, Jin and his fans end up looking bad. There is far more power, far more impact, when you remain civil and polite and open-minded. Start conversations! Be nice! Tell people when and why you started and continue to love Jin! But do not disrespect other fans. Do not disrespect and insult anyone. Your words have impact, and once you have said them, you no longer have control over how others will interpret them so please, please. Please. Think before you say them. Think about what it is you want to say; be clear, be polite and understand that not everyone is going to agree or feel the same way and that is okay! But don’t be aggressive, don’t be disrespectful and don’t be harmful to others or yourself. Kindness will always be stronger. Kindness will always leave a better impression and kindness will always make a bigger impact.