#just thinking. Jonah never fucking found out. despite the hints
Note
You mentioned something about Adam being a werewolf in the monster au? What exactly would he look like if that's the case?
Something like this probably
#asks are neat#monster alt au arc#doodles are neat#body horror#face horror#my version of werewolves are ugly as shit and Adam is no exception/lh#just thinking. Jonah never fucking found out. despite the hints#just. misses all of them#also I don’t know. werewolf just fits Adam#and they’re cool as shit so
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Unbelievable | J.M.
a/n: bc jonah in the unbelievable music video is just hot hot hot hot hot :) i’ve been putting this one on hold for way too long. not rlly satisfied with the way it went but i promise it’s not that bad (i think) lol happy reading <3
summary: jonah’s outfit was unbelievable and so was his ability to pleasure you anywhere, even in the kitchen.
warnings: kitchen smut as requested by @averysbestyears
word count: 3362
“your taste; i could drink, i could drink, i could drink a whole damn case; every drip, every drip, couldn't let you go to waste”
You spent the entirety of your morning out and about running errands, only returning to the apartment you shared with your boyfriend late in the afternoon with bags of groceries in hand. With Jonah out with his band mates to film a music video for their upcoming single for who-knows-how-long, the apartment you shared with him seemed unusually quiet and empty without the constant couple banter between you both. In attempt to lessen the feeling of loneliness caused by the deafening silence, you put on some relaxing music on the stereo before putting away all the groceries, leaving only the necessary ingredients for a chocolate cake on the counter. After tying your hair up in a messy bun, you got started excitedly with your baking, humming softly along to the music as you worked. Despite having baked for countless times before, you still weren’t exactly good at it, your clumsy self often knocking over and accidentally spilling everything and anything everywhere which explained why your counter looked like a chaotic war zone half an hour later when you were done.
You heaved a relieved sigh when you managed to put the cylinder pan filled with cake batter safely into the oven, a triumphant smile plastered on your face. You were about to start cleaning up the kitchen when you heard the faint sound of the door opening and closing so you rushed to the living room immediately to be greeted by the sight of Jonah taking off his shoes at the foyer. He smiled when he looked up and saw you, opening his arms for you which you run into with glee.
“Welcome home, love,” you giggled as he picked you up off your feet and spun you around few times until you squealed and asked him to put you down.
“Missed you so bad,” he said and placed a tender kiss on your head as he followed you into the kitchen, an arm around your waist. “Baking again?” He asked after sniffing the air that was filled with the slightly bitter scent of the chocolate cake that wafted out through the oven, completely oblivious to your lingering gaze on him that was sneakily examining him from head to toe—eyes darting from his tousled brown hair to the dark grey t-shirt that hugged his muscled figure perfectly, showing off the subtle outlines of the toned abs hiding underneath, to his long white jacket that reached his knees and jeans of the same colour—and gosh, he sure looks handsome. How nice must it feel to let your hands roam his body and—
“Baby?” He called, snapping you out of your train of thoughts and you blinked several times at him who was waving his hands in front of you, trying to get your attention.
“Yes, what were you saying again?” You smiled sheepishly at him, light pink tinting your cheeks, embarrassed by your explicit thoughts although no one heard them apart from you. But Jonah had known you long enough to figure out the exact thoughts that were running through your head a moment ago. And as a good boyfriend, he couldn’t leave your wishes unattended, could he?
“Well, I was asking if you need help with cleaning but I think we’ll get to that later, hmm?” A smirk made its way onto his face as he backed you up until your back hit the edge of the counter and he pinned you against it, his tall figure towering over your petite one. “Since you’re so overly interested in admiring my body,” he said smugly and you blushed a darker shade of crimson, guilty as charged.
“It’s...it’s your fault for dressing like this today,” you stuttered nervously while avoiding his gaze, earning a small chuckle from him.
“I’m glad you like my outfit,” he licked his lips before cupping the back of your neck to tilt your head so that you were looking at him directly in the eyes. “But I think you’ll like it better if I take them off, am I right, baby?” He asked, his voice turning husky.
“No! Definitely not! What are you talking about?” You hurriedly waved your hands in front of yourself in denial but your wavering tone wasn’t convincing enough. This bastard already knew the answer to his own question and the last thing you would do was admit it out loud to feed his ego (actually it was because you were too much of a coward to do so but we don’t talk about that here).
Jonah could feel his self control that he had put on himself ever since he walked through the front door gradually faltering at the sight of how innocent you looked on the outside — how flustered you got at the mere implication of sex like you had never done it your entire life — and how much it fueled his desire to take you right then and there in the kitchen, which was precisely what he was going to do. “Well baby, I’ll keep my clothes on then, but this means you gotta lose yours.”
“No, that’s not what I meant...ahh,” you were cut short by a gasp of your own when his lips connected with your neck without warning, generously leaving a trail of open-mouthed kisses from your jaw down to the column of your neck, sending a shock of heat through your core.
“Then what do you mean, sweetheart?” With you guys’ handful of previous experiences, it didn’t take long for him to find your sweet spot, abruptly scraping his teeth against it, easily biting hard enough to create a bruise, earning a moan from you as your hands instinctively found their way into his hair, tugging at his brown locks lightly until a groan managed to slip past his lips.
“I...,” you trailed off, still too timid to speak your mind. When you didn’t make a move to continue your sentence, he pulled away from you and you almost whimpered at the sudden loss of contact.
“Go on. I’m waiting,” he urged, his fingers drumming the countertop impatiently, waiting for your reply. “I won’t start until you tell me what you want.”
“I want to feel you,” you replied quickly, spilling out all the words out in one go and with a satisfied grin, he lifted you up onto the counter and he was standing between your legs.
“Yeah? Which part of me, baby?” He teased, both of his hands now on your waist, his thumbs gently tracing random patterns.
“Every part of you, Jonah, fuck. So can we stop with the talking and start doing now?” You yanked him closer by the chain around his neck before finally connecting your lips with his, opening your mouth on a second’s notice when you felt his teeth sink into your bottom lip lightly, granting his tongue full permission to slip into your mouth almost immediately. You couldn’t help but release another moan as soon as you tasted the coffee that he probably just drank in the car on the way home on his tongue.
Not just any coffee. You knew the difference between the tastes of all kinds of coffee like the back of your hand. The bitter taste with a hint of the sweetness of chocolate that engulfed your senses now was definitely not the taste of the straight black coffee he usually preferred.
No, it was the taste of mocha—your favourite type of coffee.
“You prick, you expected this to happen, huh?” You asked when both of you pulled away to catch your breaths, your faces remaining inches apart, your breaths mingling with each other’s.
“Maybe,” he chuckled darkly as his fingers slowly curled around your neck, “We always end up naked after every of my band photoshoots in one way or another so why not be prepared this time?”
Before you can let a string of vulgar curses escape, he attached your lips with his once again and from the way his hand tightened around your neck and the rougher movements of his tongue, you knew that he wasn’t planning on holding back his feral hunger for you this time round, subsequently making you moan with extreme pleasure when your tongues entwined and also at the thought of what he was about to do to you.
You angled your head to deepen the kiss as your hands grabbed fistfuls of his jacket, a silent plea for him to take it off, in which he responded with shifting his body enough for you to slip it off, the expensive white material thudding to the ground, revealing his strong tattooed arms. You let you fingers trace his biceps for a moment before moving your hands downwards to pull his shirt out of his jeans but he stopped you before you could remove his shirt.
“Don’t,” he said sternly into the kiss and grabbed both your hands in one hand quickly. He pulled away, biting your bottom lip with a force strong enough to make it swell slightly. “It’s not your turn until I say so,” he snarled and you felt heat pooling at your core just from the serious look on his face. “Now lie down,” he ordered and forced you down with the hand around your throat swiftly but carefully so you were laying flat on the counter, on top of all the spilled flour and some cake batter, the unkept baking supplies pushed to the very end of the counter.
He did not wait any longer to peel your shirt off you and you watched him exhale sharply as his eyes darkened, the black of his pupils almost consuming all the vibrant hazel surrounding them. “Fucking hell baby,” he tossed your shirt aside as his eyes drank in every curves and edges of your bare upper body. You didn’t bother to put on any undergarments when you changed after you got home from your grocery run, thinking that since no one’s home aside from you it’ll be totally fine. You made a mental note to do this more often in future because his stunned turned-on expression was definitely something you would want to see again. “Is it my birthday or something today?”
“You’re not the only one who came prepared,” you said cheekily, adding in a hushed tone, “Just so you know, I’m not even wearing anything underneath my pants either.” A string of profanities fell from his lips at your words as his hand made its way between your thighs, pushing your shorts aside to slip in his fingers. The wetness that his fingers were immediately greeted with was proof enough of your testament, earning a satisfactory groan from him.
“Now, where shall I start?” He asked, swiping his tongue over his bottom lip as he stared down at your shirtless figure splayed on the counter like his own personal feast. “Here? Or,” He teased, his hands travelled down to one of your breasts from your neck and let a finger draw circles around your nipple. “Here?” He tentatively dragged his fingers unhurriedly along your slit, collecting your ever growing slick, which had you whimpering and grinding against his fingers, in desperate need of as much friction as possible, yearning to feel more of him but the movement of his fingers remained so excruciatingly slowly.
“So fucking needy, aren’t you, my little slut?” he tisked, flicking his middle and index fingers between your hard nipple, earning an involuntary moan from you. “I’m barely doing anything,” he chuckled before taking his fingers that were coated in your sticky arousal and bringing them to his mouth, making sure that your gaze was on him as he licked them clean. “Tastes so fucking good as always.”
“Jonah, please,” you begged, “touch me more.”
“Oh I’ll do so much more than touching, babygirl,” you bit your tongue to suppress another moan at his words that were immediately followed by the sound of him falling onto his knees. His fingers gripped your thighs, pushing them further up and apart, his face nearing your dripping core. He let out a little huff on the inner part of your thighs, causing your legs to slightly shiver and your pussy flutter.
“Fucking gorgeous.” he breathed, his eyes staring hungrily at your cunt before laying his tongue flatly against your clit and let you rut yourself against it for a second before he unexpectedly gave it a harsh bite with a little bit of force. You slammed your hands against the counter right away and let out a loud gasp.
“Whoops, my bad,” he chuckled and you felt him smirk against your flesh. “Let me try this again.”
He wrapped his mouth around your throbbing clit before starting to suck it softly, his tongue flickering back and forth against it before moving his mouth lower and sweeping his tongue against your folds. It almost hurt with how incredible you were feeling right now. His mouth was hot against you as his velvety tongue continued swiping back and forth against your clit, faster and harder each time. The way he groaned at the taste of your body intoxicated you with more lust and you soon found yourself unable to think, hear, feel or remember anything else save for the name of the male that was eating you out like it was his last meal.
And when he finally moved his tongue into your pussy, it felt too good to be true. So fucking good that you were about to combust with pleasure. He went at a slow pace at first but then sped up every three thrusts until you were softly chanting a continuous series of “yes” under your breath. It seemed that he didn’t think that was enough, for he moved a finger to your weeping core, the rough pad of the tip of his finger pressing down and moving around in circular movements.
He was so rough but it felt so good, every lick and suck successfully building flares of heat in your adomen. “I...I’m close,” you stuttered, not really able to speak in your current state of bliss.
“Yeah? You wanna cum, darling?” Jonah asked, replacing his tongue with two fingers that managed to slip into you ever so easily due to how wet you were, pumping them in and out quickly.
“Uh-huh,” You nodded, your hands finding their way to him naturally, clinging onto him for dear life as he skillfully finger fucked you, your high gradually approaching with each thrust of his digits. Without any warning, he attached his lips to your bundle of nerves and sucked on it, right when he curled his fingers inside you, easily finding and hitting your g-spot. Your hands tightened on his shoulders, nails digging into his thick, supportive muscles.
“Cum for me, darling.”
Your walls tightened on him and an orgasm wracked through your body at his command, back arched while your thighs trembled as you came undone around his fingers. Panting slightly, you tried to regain your breath but before you knew it, his tongue went back to work again, swirling around to capture every single drop of your sweet juices into his mouth, the slurping noises and the ethereal feeling of his tongue on you turning you into a moaning mess.
“Fuck, darling, you taste so good,” he complimented, pulling his fingers out of you and put them in his mouth, licking them clean while looking at you and you let out an unrecognisable sound from the sight alone. “Couldn’t get enough of you. C’mon here.”
You did as he told, sitting up and scooting closer to him, your hands itching to undress him but you didn’t once you remembered his warning. You despised him still being fully clothed while you were already stripped bare for him but you also knew that one, going against him would accomplish nothing but getting punished on your part and two, he would adhere to your wishes once he felt like it.
And you were right.
“Take it off, I know you want to,” he said and you pulled his shirt off him excitedly before undoing his belt and his jeans, pushing them down along with his underwear and they pooled at his ankles, leaving his member standing at attention, already leaking with precut with all the lust bottled inside him.
“Wanna keep you close when I fuck you senseless, baby,” he teased your entrance with the tip of his cock and you whined. “You’d like that wouldn’t you?” He nudged your folds slightly and you nodded.
“I want your dick so bad,” you admitted with a hint of shyness and his lips broke into a small smile before pressing a quick kiss to the tip of your nose.
“Mmhmm, and I’ll give it to you, pretty girl,” he sheathed himself inside of you and you let out a gasp at the sudden intrusion.
Taking a few slow thrusts to allow yourself to adapt to his size, it’s only a moment before Jonah completely bottoms out inside of you. He watches your face shiver in pleasure which he mirrors. He clasped your hips so firmly his knuckles turned white; it didn’t even hurt as all you could focus on was him inside you. Your hands found their way to his biceps, gripping on for some tension relief and you could still feel his muscles flex even beneath your hands.
“What a good fuckin’ girl, taking my cock like this.” Jonah’s voice was a low growl as he thrusts into you, the slaps of your skin interacting between each thrust was like a sinful symphony. “So fucking tight.”
The smell of the cologne he wore danced in your brain as he worked up a sweat absolutely pummeling himself into your sex. You grasped onto him as if your life depended on it, moaning into his neck as his cock slid in and out of you. You didn’t even know how much time was passing as he rutted himself into you relentlessly
“Just cum already, you know you want to babygirl,” he muttered to you through his clenched teeth, groans of his own escaping every now and then. You took your opportunity and let your pleasure go for the second time, your orgasm taking over as your back arched even more, your toes curling as you moaned out in pleasure.
He came soon after, relentlessly pounding into you throughout his own orgasm, his thick warm seed coating the inside of your walls, the sensation making you shiver as your nipples started to stiffen up even more. He stayed inside you for a few more seconds before he pulled out, the cum sliding out and onto your inner thighs. He stared as it drizzled out for a few more moments before he gave a smirk, glancing back up to your breathless form and his expression softened right away.
“Guess it’s time for a good bath now, love,” he said as his hands reached behind you to grab some paper towels to clean up the mess between your thighs. You tiredly rested your head on his shoulder once he’s done and the paper towels were discarded into the bin.
“I can’t feel my legs anymore though,” you complained, arms already around his neck, hoping that he’d get your hint, which he did.
“Fine, I’ll carry you,” he said with a laugh, hands sliding down your spine to grip your thighs firmly and you wrapped your legs around his waist before he hoisted you off the counter and started walking towards your bedroom. “You always turn into a baby after sex. How cute.”
“I’m your baby so of course I am,” you nuzzled into the crook of his neck.
“My pretty little baby girl, hmm?” The way his voice dipped a tone when he pronounced those words near your ear made your heartbeat drop to your southern region instantly and you felt your pussy gradually turning wet. Again.
He chuckled, a sign that he felt the changes in your body too, earning a smack on his back from you. “Shut up. It’s your fault.”
“Good thing the bathtub is big enough for two then.”
taglist: @chilling-seavey @neralondon @mia-marais @randomlimelightxxx @hopinglimelight @kvd963 @cutiebandlover202 @savspersonalproperty @slowdownatthelotusinn @angelzacharyy @freakshows199 @my-fangirling-outlet
#wdw#why dont we#corbyn besson#daniel seavey#jack avery#jonah marais#why don’t we#zach herron#wdw imagines#jonah marais imagines#jonah marais x reader#jonah marais smut
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Voicemails (Part 2)
Pairing: Ethan X MC
Word count: 6.3K words (damn that's a record)
Catch up here.
MASTERLIST
Taglist: @miyakokurono @trappedinfandoms @openheart12 @sekizincimektup @junggoku @ethandaddyramsey @edith-eggs1 @pixelberryownsme @samihatuli @loveellamae @x-kyne-x @paulfwesley @zeniamiii @binny1985 @an-urban-witch-ig @ramseyegerton @noboundariesplease @mrsdr-ethan-ramsey @newcolonies @theodorepjames4 @unluckygs @choices-love-affair @kaavyaethanramsey @caseyvalentineramsey @ohramsey @virtualrain202 @squishywizardhq @junehiratas @lilyvalentine @nooruleman @itsgoingnuts @agent-breakdance @jamespotterthefirst @choicesfanaf @humanpokemon @temptress-of-death-and-desire @ac27dj @rookiefromedenbrook @gaiusimp @theeccentricbibliophile @oofchoices @hatescapsicum @sanchita012 @edgiestwinter @fabi-en-ciel @mrsdrakewalkerblog @elwetritsche75 @livingpurpose @theraisingrail @drramseysownsme @queencarb @andromedasinclaire @schnitzelbutterfingers (if you want to be added to the taglist, let me know ☺️)
Special thanks to @kittykatchoices you are awesome <3
Songs: Based on Rock Bottom by Caro and I have added a few more songs to my playlist which you should hear to enhance the experience.
Forgive me if I make any mistakes
DAY 36 (in Boston, Massachusetts)
Leah trudged down the hallway, sipping on her umpteenth energy drink in that day. Her eyes were trained on the chart in her hand, struggling to read them.
Everything looked bleary from the lack of sleep and her eyes were burning under the glare of the clinical lights. Her entire body was begging for rest but it was as if a switch had been flipped in her brain to ignore it. She ignored her thoughts, her feelings and the ever growing void in her chest.
So is this is how vampires feel, huh? Leah questioned herself, snorting at the poor attempt of a joke. Doing that caused her body to pain.
Pain.
That's all she felt these days. It was initially the pain of a heartbreak and rejection but now, it was just tiredness from the burden of her emotions.
Look at me now... From sunshine I have become a shadow...
Why Ethan?
Why?
Leah was the kind of person who always made fun of the naive girl in a rom-com. Her definition and perspective of love had changed when her mother cheated on her father. She did not shun the idea of being in love, but she was still kind of sceptical about it.
And now that she had a taste of it, she was addicted.
She knew that Ethan returned her feelings. She was not blind and oblivious like him. She could see it in his ocean eyes when they stared from across the room. She could hear it whenever he called her 'sunshine'. She could feel it when his arms wrapped around her as she breathed in his musky cologne, with hints of scotch in it.
They say love is a drug but that's not true.
Ethan is her drug and she craved him.
"Hijo de puta." She muttered under her breathe as she ran her hand through her hair, only to feel her shoulder length locks.
She had cut her hair after her birthday. The entire ordeal had destroyed the remaining sanity in her and she couldn't bear to look at herself. Whenever she would see her long hair, she would be reminded of the times when Ethan would play with them and she would get numb all over again.
She craved change so, she went ahead and cut her luscious, black, waist length locks and added highlights to them. It cost her a bomb but she didn't care.
She didn't care...
That was her mantra now.
She just focused on going through the motions of the day, one step at a time. But often, she found herself stumbling into the pit of self doubt and sadness. Leah knew that she was slipping into depression and that she should do something to change it but... It's addicting. The self wallowing is addicting. The numbness is addicting. The self depreciation is addicting.
She avoided her friends as well but they never gave up on her. Bryce would try to crack jokes and make her smile. Elijah would sit with her and play COD so that she could let out all her anger and sadness by killing some bitches. Aurora and Sienna would force her to eat but whenever they weren't looking, she would give her food to Shawty, their fennec fox. They even tried to provide her emotional support but Leah couldn't bear to see the pity in their eyes.
You should count your blessings... Her consciousness nudged her.
The only thing I want to count are the days until I see him.
She felt her phone vibrate and she unlocked it to see the notification but, the photo on her wallpaper made her stop. It made her heart ache.
She had used Ethan's photo as her lock screen. It was one of those many photos she had clicked of him, which Ethan did not find amusing. It was late and she was bored at the medical convention, so she just clicked them for the heck of it. He was annoyed but despite that, he had a small smile dancing on the edge of his lips.
Who would have thought the great Leah would drop down to such low levels of pathetic? She jeered at herself.
Her phone rang again and a name flashed on it. She immediately silenced because she knew that if she were to pick up that call, she would burst into tears.
She had just finished signing her charts when her pager beeped of, signalling that she was being paged by the Chief.
Leah's face scrunched up with confusion as she left the charts at the nurses' station and headed to Dr. Banerji's office.
What did I do wrong? Leah thought to herself as million of thoughts ran through her head, increasing the pounding in her head.
Trying to calm her racing heart she knocked on the open door. Naveen looked up from his desk and a beautiful smile broke on the senior diagnostician's face.
"Ah! Dr. Garcia, come on in. Take a seat." Naveen said with a warm voice as she walked in and took a seat right opposite him. There was a glass facade behind Naveen which overlooked the busy atrium of the hospital.
"You wanted to see me Chief?"
"Yes I did."
"May I know what is it regarding? Because I think that my heart will pop out of my chest with the excessive stress."
Naveen gave a hearty laugh and Leah gave a nervous smile to him.
"No, you haven't done anything wrong. In fact, I am giving you a couple of days of holiday for your hard work."
Leah shook her head and gave a fake smile. "Thank you Chief but... I don't need an off. I love my job and saving lives so no need for this special treatment."
Naveen leaned forward on his table and locked his warm eyes with Leah's tired ones. "You deserve it. It's been brought to my notice, that you have been working way too hard."
Leah sat a little bit more rigid, not liking the message behind the sentence. "Isn't that a good thing? And isn't that what Edenbrook wants from their doctors?"
"Technically yes... But we also want our doctors to not burn out."
She clenched her jaw before speaking. "Chief, I am perfectly fine. I am not burnt out and I have been very proactive. My patients are all stable and breathing, I have been even helping with the ER more, so how is all of that an indicative of me burning out?"
"Leah... I see you as my grand-mentee and I know you well. I am coming from a position of concern for you. I can't have you being sleep deprived and malnutritioned. It's not good for you."
Leah's eyes narrowed. "How do you know I'm malnutritioned? You haven't even seen me since the last three weeks. And don't say that my friend's put forth this concern because I know that I have done a damn good job convincing them that I am okay."
Naveen just gave a sympathetic look and it clicked.
Letting out sharp breath, she looked down and straightened her pencil skirt, trying to distract herself from the gnawing pain and the influx of hope.
"He called you... Didn't he?"
Naveen gravely nodded his head. "Yes he did. Leah... Please take the next four days off. It's an order."
Leah nodded her head and got up, stuffing her hands into her coat, so that she could hide her trembling hands.
"Yes Chief."
She was about to walk out when Naveen called out to her. "Leah... If it's any consolation, he is in a terrible state and misses you too much."
"No... that is no consolation." She said steely, her eyes becoming cold.
"Leah, just trust me. Ethan has had a tough childhood which has forced him to grow up too soon. He has never been a normal kid let alone a normal teenager. When kids his age were chasing love, he was chasing books. That's why he is a walking robot with no sense of emotions.
Leah, since you came into his life, you have woken up the parts of him which he has kept suppressed. You have forced him to stop and feel. And it's been overwhelming for him. So, just be patient with him."
Leah didn't say anything. She just turned on her heels and strode out of the office.
As she walked to the locker room, she clenched her fists. She was totally pissed and the need to punch something was becoming unbearable.
How fucking dare he just control my life?!
She changed out of her clothes and stuffed them angrily into her satchel. She picked up her phone and saw a notification.
(1) message
Captain
She read the message and she felt a little happy. She loved her dad and since the entire shit show had started, she missed her family even more.
Speaking of shit show...
He eyes narrowed in on Ethan's contact and the momentary happiness was dissipated, and anger flooded her body. Her shoulders tensed and she clenched the phone even tighter. She pressed on the call icon near his name and picked up the phone to her ear so that she could give him the cursing of his life.
After ringing a couple of time she heard his baritone voice flood through the speaker.
You have reached Dr. Ramsey. I am currently out of the country. If it's urgent, please leave a message.
"Ethan Jonah Ramsey! You are a maldito (damned male)! For a man, you are one maricon (pussy) and I swear as the days pass by I am more convinced that you are a bastardo sin huevos (ball-less bastard)!!
How fuckin dare you, you asshole?! I fucking know that you called Naveen to tell him to give me an off. I don't know weather to dance with joy that you heard my voicemails or to kick you in your balls for not responding.
You need to man the fuck up Ethan because I know that you are so fucking strong. I know it so well."
She panted, anger swirling even more in her chest.
"Ethan you need to stop playing the fucking victim. I know that you have had a tough childhood and that really hurt you... But I didn't have it any easier either. I was bullied through out school and my mom used to pimp the fuck outta me. She even cheated on my dad for five consecutive years till I kicked her out of the house."
Tears stung her eyes as she spoke. "But that did not once break my spirit E. I didn't let the damage of my past define me. I focused on redefining myself and I got rid of my bad habits like smoking weed and drinking every alternate day."
"We all got scars and I know that it hurts sometimes. I am not discounting your pain but, if you continue to let it eat you up baby then you will lose yourself to it. And I don't want that for you.
Ethan... You are such a beautiful soul and such a great man who is deserving of the best things in life. You deserve love and happiness. The only thing which is standing between you and all the good things is... Well you.
Stop punishing yourself. Because that is not only going to hurt you, but also the people around you.
You have been so deep in that vicious cycle that you haven't realised that you are hurting me too..."
She sighed as she looked down on her black converse.
"Ethan, emotions are what make us human... You can't run from them forever.
What we have, is so so beautiful... Just come back to me so that I can show you that... Till then, take care, love you and bye..."
DAY 36 (in Tefé, Amazonas)
"Till the take care, love you and bye..."
You have reached the end of the voicemail.
Ethan brought his phone down, guilt and shame swimming in his blue eyes. He knew that it was a dick move to call her superior and get her to take an off but he couldn't bare to see her get weaker and weaker as the days passed.
And the fact that I am the reason behind her sadness...
Ethan pressed his palms against his eyes and applied pressure so as to push back the tears threatening to spill.
He felt so much shame. It coiled around his chest, slowly tightening, choking him.
He didn't deserve her love and he definitely did not deserve her empathy. He did not deserve her kindness nor did he deserve the compassion that she showered his way. She did not deserve to be treated like a doormat or be fucked over by the mixed signals. If he truly loved her he would leave her behind and move on with his life.
But he is selfish.
He couldn't bear the thought of seeing her in the arms of another man. The thought made him want to punch the closest thing to him. He looked down to stare at the wallpaper of his lockscreen.
It was one of the many impromptu pictures he had clicked of her. Most of the ones he had were when she wasn't looking his way but this one, was one of the rare ones where she stared at the camera. A beautiful dimpled smile stared back at him, her hair covering half of her face.
God, she is beautiful with a divine soul.
I don't deserve her... But I want to be hers...
He took the stationery out and with a heavy heart, proceeded to pour out all his regret and shame on to the coffee stained paper.
DAY 45
After numerous sleepless nights Ethan knew that if he didn't sleep, he would surely collapse.
So bidding his colleagues adieu, he went to the motorcycle parked in the makeshift parking lot.
He had recently learnt how to drive a bike and now he somewhat related to those motorbike junkies.
It was an exhilarating experience. The breeze whistling through his brown wavy hair, the feeling of the sun shining on his face and to hear the roar of Amazon as he rode down the roads was intoxicating.
He felt the most at peace when he rode the bike. The hum of the engine beneath him would lull him into a state of calmness and it's only during those times, his mind would wander to Leah.
He would often think about how much Leah would enjoy pillion riding. He could imagine her having this wide grin on her face and her arms wrapped around his lean waist. He could imagine her hair billowing behind her in wild waves and the sun would make her skin glow with a caramel hue. She would giggle as the wind tickling her face.
These thoughts were what kept him sane, and gave him something to look forward too. He knew that it was ironic but he just couldn't help himself.
It had been a month since he had last seen her and he missed her so much.
The sun had set and Ethan parked his bike near the B&B he was living in. After taking out the keys from the ignition, he climbed the steps leading to the reception. He gave a nod to the receptionist and trudged to his room, tiredness making him hunch as he walked.
As he stepped into his room, he started stripping till he was in his underwear. He headed to the bathroom to get fresh, his body on auto pilot. His brain felt like mush and his eyes were bloodshot red.
I need a scotch... He thought to himself. In the last month, all the pubs and restaurants were closed so he couldn't go anywhere to get a drink. He was stressed and tired, both emotionally and physically.
He sighed and headed to his bed, stark naked. The moment his head hit the pillow, he passed out, slipping into a deep slumber.
He was so deep asleep, that he didn't hear the sound of his phone ringing.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunshine streamed through the sheer curtains, illuminating the room in a soft glow. The reflection of the river casted shadows on the walls and the birds chirped a happy tune, to signal the start of a new day.
Ethan started waking up gradually, feeling much better. He felt well rested and his back wasn't killing him anymore. He stretched, the muscles of his abdomen and back, contracting and relaxing, as he got rid of the lingering sleep.
He sat up and his eyes landed on his phone. Picking it up he started checking his notifications as he headed to the washroom to start with his morning chores.
There were a couple from the hospital, updating him about the patients. None of them were dead so that's a good thing. He saw messages from his dad and Naveen but his eyes narrowed in on a particular name.
Leah🌞
(1) voicemail
(10) messages
That's new. Ethan mused as he brushed his teeth. He pressed the play button and kept the phone on speaker.
"Heyyyyy Ethannnn." Leah slurred and Ethan's eyes widened.
"What's up duuddddee? How is it hangin' man? It been so long since I have spoken to you and no this...this 'voicemails' don't count because you aren't replying to me."
A short pause followed before Leah spoke up over the music. "Do you hate me? Like I need to know. I need ANSWERS. Am I that revolting that you had to run thousands and hundreds of miles away from me? Is it because I snort when I laugh?"
Her voice cracked towards the end before she snorted.
"You know what? You are one grade A pussy. Yes, you heard me! Inserts the 'Why are you running?' meme. I don't think you would understand that context because you are an anormal. I- I don't understand this running business. I show you affections you run away. I compliment you, you run away. I have sex with you, you run away. Maybe... Maybe I am the dumbass here?
Tbh, I have no fuckin' clue!!
And I am here all alone in this... Dive in bar or whatever the fuck this is, and the guys have just been flirting with me. And they should because I am a motherfucking goddess!! Like have you see my ass? Wait, you have whoops... but the point is, whenever they walk up to me or- or buy me a drink my dumb brain goes on to analyse how they can never compare to you.
So thanks bro, you fucked me up real good!"
Leah laughed so hard and worry churned in his chest.
She blew a raspberry. "Ethan, idk man you suck. Like so bad...or should I say good? I am confusion at this point. When I am sober, I miss you so so much. So I decided why not forget by getting completely and utterly wasted. But... Now I am drunk and I miss you more and none of my friends are here to save me from my phone so sorry, if I said somethings that I meant, 'kay?
I honestly though that loving you would be easy but... I don't feel like loving you anymore. But that's the thing about love... You can fall in love easily, but getting over someone you love could take foreverrrr.
So, don't worry bro. It's not like I am getting over you anytime soon and I am not running away anywhere. Can't say the same thing 'bout you though...
Anyways, it is 3 am and I see Bryce coming... So fuck you man. You missed out on your one shot at love and I hope you be alone for the rest of your life. Peace out, chinga madre!"
The voicemail ended and Ethan stood in shock.
I don't feel like loving you anymore...
You missed your one shot at love...
Those words cut so deep into his heart. It was painful and Ethan had to grip the counter. He could feel his heart shattering and tears threatened to spill. Those words hurt, it felt like a stitch tearing or a punch in the gut.
Ethan was never one to be affected by words. But these ones stung him.
So this is how Leah felt when I ran away...
As Leah says, I am a dumbass.
Ethan reached for the tap and splashed water on his face and wiped his hands before opening the messages.
Leah... I may be an asshole but I will always want to be your asshole.
That come out wrong.
Fuck.
Ethan shook his head and sat on the desk, scratching his beard and thinking of what to write in his response.
DAY 50
Ethan took his stethoscope from his ears and smiled at the child. "You are getting strong Julio."
"So I am killing all the bad germs?" Eyes filled with curiosity looked up at him.
"Yes. You are just like spiderboy, killing all the bad guys."
"It's Spiderman Dr. Ramsey!!" The boy exclaimed.
It's the same thing! But, Ethan knew better than to bring it up. He had learnt his lesson with Leah and her obsession with Marvel.
"Okay, okay, spiderman. Just a another week of rest and medicines and you will beat all of the bad boys like him."
"But the medicine is so yucky..." The 4 year old scrunched his face up and crossed his arms.
"I know the medicines taste bad so I have something for you for being a good boy."
"Really?!" He asked gleefully.
Ethan dug into his coat and took out some lemon candy. "Here Julio."
He squealed and took it. "Thank you!!"
He felt his phone ring in his pocket and he took it out to see. When his eyes landed on the notification, his face morphed into a grin.
Leah🌞
(1) missed call
(1) voicemail
"Who is that?" Julio looked over Ethan's hand to look at the phone. Ethan looked at the kid and saw him staring at the wallpaper of his lockscreen.
"That... That is a girl."
"Even I can see that Dr. R." The kid rolled his eyes and studied Leah's picture with utmost concentration. "Is she your wife? Or your girlfriend?"
Ethan choked and covered it up with a cough. "Um... nothing of that sort. She is just a girl, who I miss a lot."
"But she must be something you, no? If you miss her so much?" Brown eyes twinkled as he looked up with innocence in his eye.
"She is my Sunshine." He shrugged as he ruffled Julio's hair. "But enough worrying about me. Be a good kid and don't bother your mama, Julio." Ethan started walking out if the room.
"Sim! Also, luz solar (your sunshine) is so pretty." The boy called out to him.
Don't I know that?
Ethan shook his head, smiling to himself as he walked up to the nurse's station. He disposed his gloves and sanitized his hands before taking his phone out. He walked to the near by supply closet so that he could hear the voicemail without any disturbance.
"Hey Ethan... Well the last voicemail was a disaster, wasn't it?" Leah nervously chuckled over the line.
"Please don't hate me. I tried to apologise through the messages. And I know you read them because I saw the bubble with three dots for half an hour. So, if you think you are sneaky, then you need to work on your skills old man." She chuckled and Ethan chuckled at the comment.
I could never hate you sunshine.
"I am actually doing so much better now. I think I just needed to get wasted... Have a good cry... And curse you out or something. No offense.
I have been listening to so many songs and I relate to them at a spiritual level. Everything sounds like a love song now. It's a real dilemma whether to dance or cry to them.
Also, Sienna has been such a huge help! Naveen told her whatever happened and she is so supportive... We watched trashy romantic movies and ate so much ice cream. My dad also it's going to come in a couple of days so... Maybe he will give me advice?
So things aren't as hopeless as they were a week ago.
I mean, it still hurts but it doesn't rip me apart everyday. I still hate you a little but, my love overpowers it. It's a war everyday but I try to beat down the sadness everyday."
Ethan felt so proud of Leah. She just needs to be reminded how strong she is and she will annihilate all her demons.
"I am gonna be honest... Your tactic of running away isn't going to make my feelings less for you, because absence makes the heart grow fonder. Like right now, I am witnessing Zaid feeding Ines cake. It's their anniversary and they are so in love that I feel like an outsider.
I mean I am in love but, the love of my life isn't here. So... Yeah.. I miss you right now... But, I have a strong feeling that our relationship is a unique kind, Y'know? Our relationship is so deep rooted and emotionally strong, that it can survive numerous storms.
We are so beautiful and so strong together...
I am just waiting for the day when you realise that E.
And when you realise, I hope you come back to me."
Ethan brought his phone down, heart filled with so much love for this woman. He is aware of the feelings he had for her and he could have said those three words easily. But, deep down he knew he wasn't ready.
He wasn't the man she deserved yet. He had way too many demons of his past and in order to be with her, he had to face them and this time, he would do it the right way.
So with a bitter sweet feeling and courage, he got up and went back to work.
DAY 53
"Doctor, the gymnasium lot of patients are responding positively to the new vaccine." The young intern spoke excitedly.
"That's good. And have we finished the inoculation procedure for ward 314?"
"Yes doctor."
"Excellent work, Dr. Santos." Ethan nodded before looking down at the charts. It was mid afternoon and the sun relentlessly beat down on his back, making his sweat excessively.
He was standing outside the make-shift tent near the gymnasium, going through the charts. He was posted in the hospital, on the other side of the city usually but they swapped him to work at the gymnasium for today.
He could see so much joy and happiness in the recovered patients as they embraced and kissed their loved ones. It was a harrowing period for them and being apart for two months can really be lonely. He saw the young lovers kiss and hug each other tightly.
Will this be me and Leah when I meet her again? Ethan wondered as his eyes dropped down to the sheets of papers in his hand.
"Ethan! Glad you could join us here." Dr. Batra said with a soft smile.
"Hello to you too Dr. Batra."
"I have told you numerous times to call me Neelam. We have worked and fought an epidemic together so you can call me by my first name."
"Sorry Neelam, force of habit I guess."
"How are you since I last saw you? Have you been eating? Have you been sleeping?" She asked, her eyes critically observing him, like a mother does to her child.
Ethan was not familiar with the concept of maternal love. He found it foreign but at the same time, it helped a little in filling the void in his heart.
"Yes Neelam. I have been taking care of myself."
"And how about your, jaanu?"
"Jaanu?" Ethan asked inquisitively as he turned his head to look at her.
"Jaanu in hindi means love of your life." She said with a sly smirk playing on her lips.
"Good god." He groaned and stuffed his face even more into the charts, feeling his cheeks burning up.
"She is fine." He muttered out.
"Sorry, I couldn't hear that."
Ethan narrowed his eyes at her and she just gave a toothy grin. "I said that she is doing fine. As fine as she can be." He felt a tinge of guilt flare up in his chest.
"Ethan... Don't feel guilty. If she truly loves you, she will understand." her face full of empathy.
"That's the problem!! I have been nothing but a fucktard and yet she shows me empathy and loves me unconditionally. I feel so damn guilty and I hate myself for hurting her."
"Ethan, I have said this before and I will say it again. I can see how much you love her but, how will you return all that love if you can't even love yourself?"
"Love myself? Where is that coming from?"
"You put up the 'I don't give a damn about your opinion' vibe but I can see the self hatred in your eyes. Son, you are the thorn in your own path."
"I..." For the first time in a long time, Ethan was rendered speechless.
"Ethan... The first step towards loving someone is loving yourself first. Okay...Imagine that you have a cup. Self love fills half of that cup up and when you find 'the one', it becomes full. It's like a mutualistic relationship, you fill her cup up and vice versa.
Right now, your cup is empty because of the self hatred. And your girl is trying her very best to fill up the void but, she is loosing out on herself while doing that. It's hurting her as well as you."
"So what do I do?"
"You communicate. You talk out your feelings. Have trust in her that when you open up your deepest vulnerabilities, she will accept it and not hesitate to love you. Love is a two way street. You can't expect her to bare her soul if you can't do the same."
"Wow." Ethan's head was full with thoughts.
"Wow indeed."
"Neelam, we should call you the Love doctor."
She gave a tinkling laugh, her dark brown eyes twinkling. "Nah son. I am just a woman who has seen a lot in life."
He was about to respond when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He dug his phone out and unlocked it.
Leah 🌞
(1) voicemail
"Sorry I have to take this." Neelam nodded and he walked towards the deserted park. He sat down on the rusty swing and pressed the phone to his ear.
"Hey... So I told you that my dad was coming to Boston, right? Well, we had a nice chat about us and it's been really insightful.
Needless to say my father said some not nice things and he almost brought an entire squad of marines to beat the shit outta you BUT, I stopped him because as much as you infuriate me, I would like your pretty face intact."
Ethan chuckled as he played with his frayed ripped jeans.
"I told him about how sad I have been and how everything sucks. I even spoke about the happy times when we would solve the various cases together or the times when we would buy take out and pull all nighters. I spoke about my fears and doubts that maybe, just maybe you don't love me. After hearing my rant he told me something that helped erase all the lingering doubts.
He said, "Mija, When someone makes you the happiest person and the saddest person at the same time, that's when it's real. That's when it's worth something." Isn't that true for us?
I can make you so angry that you could put hulk to shame but, I can also make you laugh when you are low. And vice versa! You make me so happy most of the times... when you are not being a colossal pain in the ass."
There was silence on the line, as if she was thinking.
"I think I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt... only more love.
This is just a rough patch but, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just like after a dark storm comes sunshine.
This is just a test for us, to see if we are strong. And believe me, I think we are the unstoppable duo. The diagnostics posse!
And when all this... Haze of doubts was cleared from my mind, I could see clearly. I could remember the promise I made you.
I will be waiting, for as long as you need.
And it's true.
So for now... I will love you through the phone. I will try to make it a point for you to know, that I will never ever stop loving you. I will be there through thick and thin.
Just give me a chance to prove it. Have faith that I will catch you when you fall. Just, come back to me.
I love you...bye."
Ethan stared at his phone for a long time. There were so many thoughts swimming in his head. But one thought just rang wide and clear in his head. Or rather, one word.
Sunshine...
So he sat there, alone with his thoughts until the sun set on him.
DAY 59
"To the best team of doctors!" A thunder of applause ran through the huge crowd as they screamed and shouted with joy.
"Thanks to these geniuses, Tefé is now free of cholera! Also, a huge thanks to the citizens as well. Your support has been so helpful. We are strong together!" The mayor's voice boomed.
We are strong together... You and I. Leah's words resounded in his head as he looked down at his combat boots, arms crossed.
He wasn't paying any attention to the mindless congratulations. His mind was swirling with the thought that within 60 hours, he is going to see her.
He was done with slogging his ass and he was done running. He will man the fuck up, and fix his issues before he asks her out. That's a promise he made to himself.
The gift he bought for her, weighed him down with uncertainty. Whether she would like it or not.
His mind was also going back to last year. The intern year was going to come to an end in two days and Ethan couldn't fathom just how far she had come. Last year, at this time, he met her. If you would have told him that he would have fallen head over heels in love with someone, he would have just admitted that person for LSD overuse. But, now here we are.
Damnn... Its already been a year.
After the thank you ceremony was done, the doctors headed to the pub for a drink. They ordered some local cuisines and a couple of beers to celebrate their win. As much as Ethan enjoyed the smooth scotch running down his throat, he still couldn't keep his mind off their inevitable meeting.
Will she look at me and be angry?
Will she throw a drink on my face? Or kick me in the balls?
Or will she jump into my arms?
Questions... Questions...
By the time they were done, it was almost 2 am. They had an afternoon flight so that was a good thing. He wasn't drunk, but definitely a little tipsy. The last thing he wanted was to nurse a hangover early in the morning that too, on a flight.
After being dropped off at his B&B, he felt his phone vibrate. He saw Leah's name flash and his face scrunched in confusion.
It's late, she should be asleep.
He pressed the button to play the voicemail and Leah's soft voice flooded, making Ethan even more intoxicated.
"Hi... Today it's a clear sky and honestly, it looks so beautiful. The moon is shining so bright and the stars are twinkling. I was brought up in Washington DC and never in my life have I ever seen so many stars at night. It's so breathtaking..."
Ethan headed to the basically and stood outside. He leaned on the railing and looked up and indeed, it was a starry night. It was like diamonds glittering and swaying in the moonlight. And the moon... It shone in its elegance, basking Ethan in its radiance.
Leah chuckled. "I can't believe it's been a year since I became a doctor. A full fledged working doctor. It seems so surreal how this year passed by in a flash. I feel like I have grown and matured, but at the same time I still feel as clueless as my first day of work.
The day I met you... T
o be honest, I expected a grumpy old grandpa as Ethan Ramsey, but I got a handsome, dashing grump instead. I ain't complaining though. It's just...I am in a reminiscing mood."
Don't worry sunshine... Me too.
"Did you know, when we look at stars on a clear night sky we are, in a way, looking back in time? Before you roll your eyes and think this is some philosophical propaganda, there is a perfect logical explanation to it. What we see today is an object whose emitted light started its journey millions of year back and from trillions of kilometres away and are reaching our eyes now.
So... Here I am, peeping into the memories of our past. The kisses, the hugs, the love making and the joyous moments we shared. I miss that..
I miss us... I am here, waiting for you.
Come back to me, Ethan."
Ethan replayed the voicemail, as he continued to look at the stars, thinking back to the times when he had her I'm his arms.
Don't worry sunshine, I am coming home.
well, what do you think?
and what do you think will be Leah’s reaction?
a. she will kick him in the nuts
b. she will kiss the fuck outta him
c. all of the above
I hope y'all liked it.. was lowkey nervous bout this fic heheheh
like, comment and reblog ;))
#choices#choices oh#playchoices#choices stories you play#choices stories we play#pixelberry#open heart#open heart 2#open heart mc#open heart fanfiction#open heart fandom#oh Ethan#ethan ramsey#ethan x mc#dr ethan ramsey#dr. ethan ramsey#ethan jonah ramsey#ethan ramsey one shot#ethan ramsey x mc#anushka writes#oh#oh2#ohsy
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CHAPTER 9 - Light
Words count: 5 000 +
Warnings: cursing, hints of sex
Author’s note: 1) I am sorry for The Queen references, it was not planned at all but I got carried away
2) Chiara has Ethan saved as “Jonah” in her phone, because she always forgets her phone at nurse’s station and E.R. and Donahue’s, everywhere, and so to decrease the chance of exposing them, it’s Jonah
3) I didn’t check the mistakes yet, so I am sorry for them.
ENJOY!
------------- LIGHT ------------
For the first time ever, their lips met in a kiss that didn’t taste like regrets, doubts and sorrow.
For the first time ever they kissed with hope and promises and happiness.
Their lips met in a newfound feeling of odd security, something that has never happened before, as the threat of regrets always hung over their heads. The kiss started out as almost shy, Ethan’s lips brushing Chiara’s ever so softly, afraid of ruining the sacred moment if he allowed his yearning to take a full lead. But soon it was Chiara who opened her mouth slightly, inviting him to make sure that she still tasted like the Chiara he kissed at Mass Kenmore all those months ago.
The concept of time long forgotten by the couple of doctors as they discovered their new normal, kissing until the air around them changed, until the heat their bodies produced was enough for them to finally break the connection. With their cheeks flushed, hair dishelved, the buttons of Ethan’s shirt undone, they looked at each other intensively while catching their breaths.
„I think we should stop here,“ Ethan broke the silence at last.
„Are you already stepping back?“ Chiara asked with a teasing smile, which was supposed to hide her tremendou fear that Ethan actually was stepping back.
He chuckled at the question and took her hands into his, slowly running his thumb along her knuckles.
„I screwed up a lot in the past. I simply want to make things right this time. And taking you here at my couch when two hours ago I didn’t believe you would ever want to forgive me again, that doesn’t feel right. We still have a conversation to make. And I would like to at least make you a dinner before we take the… next step.“
„Good old fashioned lover boy, huh?“ she couldn’t help but tease him again.
„Are you seriously quoting Queen on me now? You know I am Under Pressure.“
„You know Queen lyrics?“ she laughed and decided to continue the little game. „That is, indeed, Miracle.“
„You underestimate me, Rookie. The show must go on.“
„Oh, Ramsey, you have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into with this little Queen references competition. My dad loved Freddie Mercury. I know every single lyrics. Don’t stop me now.“
„I am afraid I have to. We seriously need to talk. But you are still my Killer Queen,“ he smiled as he kissed her forehead.
He leaned back into to couch, pulling Chiara towards him, until her head rested on his lap and he could play with her hair. Her hands rested in her own lap, fingers nervously fidgeting at the thought of another serious talk. No matter how hard she tried to trust him completely, the little part of her was simply too afraid to do so. Tha little part expected to hear that it was a mistake and they needed to be professional again.
Ethan observed Chiara’s furrowed brows and her slightly shaking hands and how she kept biting her lower lips and he hated himself, knowing that she was this nervous because of him. Because he hurt her and left her and pushed her away so many times, that she couldn’t trust him fully anymore. He hated every part of his own self and he knew he deserved the hate.
„As I said previously, I want to make things right this time, Chiara. Which means that we need to talk even about uncomfortable things and that I want to stand by your side every step of the way and that I never want to hurt you again. Never in my life have I felt this way, not with Marial, not with Harper, never. And honestly, Chiara, it terrifies me. These feelings, I am so scared. I have always believed that I know who I am, that nothing can surprise me anymore and then you walked into Edenbrook and… well, I was fucked. I found out that I couldn’t recall who I was anymore, because I was changing and as a man who hates change, I fought it all I could. Until I could. And I can’t anymore, I can’t fight against you, but this new reality, it still scares me.“
His voice was trembling now, thick with emotion. He wanted to say so much more, he wanted to tell her how sorry he was that she had to deal with this broken piece of man, that he knew he would hurt her again despite his best efforts to not to. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her. So desperately did he wish he could just express how he felt, but all the words got stuck in his throat and so he just stared at the black screen of television in front of him and hated himself even more.
Chiara wasn’t staring at the ceiling anymore, rather watching Ethan’s expressions as he finished his speech. She reached his left cheek with her hand and caressed him softly.
„I am here, Ethan. No matter how scary it gets, I am here, okay? You don’t need to tell me everything now. Or ever, for that matter. I know.“
Finally he looked down at her and the intensity of compassion in her stare made him want to cry.
How did I ever deserve a woman like you?
He cupped her hand on his cheek and leaned into her touch, closing his eyes to compose himself.
Clearing his throat to make sure he wouldn’t actually start crying, he decided to start the uncomfortable conversation.
„I want to be with you, Chiara. With my whole being, I wish to be with you. But your career is only starting and you are more than just brilliant doctor. You are destined to be the best one of your generation.“
He felt Chiara tense in his lap as she opened her mouth to fight him.
„Just let me say this, okay?“ he stopped her before she could say anything. „Being with you is not illegal. It’s not even fobidden and we both know that Naveen would never disapprove of our relationship. It’s unprofessional and probably unethical, but that doesn’t matter. If we decided to go public, it wouldn’t cost you – or me – the job at Edenbrook. And as someone who has worked there for eleven years now, it would hardly affect me anyhow. But you, Chiara, your reputation…“ Ethan ran his free hand through his hair before continuing. „At the moment, everyone at the hospital knows that you are amazing doctor. Fellow residents, nurses, even attendings, they respect you, because you earned it. But if they find out about us, no matter how hard you worked to earn that respect, it will be forgotten. You will be the resident that’s dating Dr. Ramsey and therefore gets the special treatment. And nobody would give a damn about the fact that I am harder on you than on anyone else. Nobody would care, because rumours are rumours and all the respect that you earned, it would be gone. I don’t care what they have to say about me, but you are young and promising and I can’t let my need to be with you officially stand in the way of your progress. Obviously, I am not letting you go either and so one of the options is for us to be in a secret relationship until your residency is over.“
Chiara raised her eyebrow at him and asked: „One of the options? I don’t think there are any other options.“
„Of course there are. I get that keeping this a secret will be hard, that it wouldn’t be the relationship you deserve. So if you are not willing to do that, which I absolutely understand, I will transfer into another hospital.“
„What?“ Chiara all but shouted and abruptly sat up, looking at him with wide eyes. „You would never do that. Edenbrook is the best hospital in Boston. It’s your life. You belong to Edenbrook.“
„I like to think that I belong to you, Chiara,“ he smiled. „Yes, Edenbrook has been my life for the past eleven years, but it’s caring about the patients that brings me joy, not the hospital itself. And there are patients in other hospitals in Boston. Nothing in Edenbrook makes me feel as happy as you do, Dr. Ray. Just say a word and I’ll be gone.“
Since when are you such a softie, Ramsey?
„That would be so stupid, Ethan. It’s just a year and half until my residency is over. I think we are both capable of keeping things secret for that long. Iť’s not like we would make out in the waiting room anyway.“
Ethan let out a whole-hearted laugh, tension leaving his shoulders. He was serious when he said that he would leave Edenbrook because of her, but knowing that she didn’t want him to, that she respected his career as much as he respected hers, brought him soothing sense of relief.
„There is one thing, though,“ Chiara said. „I am okay with keeping things secret with most people, but if it’s alright with you, I feel the need to tell my friends. My roommates and Bryce. They are the people I trust with my life and I know that they would never spread the rumours. It would be much easier for me if they just knew, if I didn’t have to make up excuses about where do I spend my evening or a weekend. But only if it doesn’t bother you.“
Ethan shrugged, not surprised by her suggestion. Her friends were her supporting net and ever since the accident, he could see just how much they meant to each other. And for that, he was happy.
„I honestly believe that they already have their ideas about us. If you trust them, then it’s okay by me.“
Chiara smiled at him and raised from his lap, so that she could kiss him. With one hand on the back of his neck she straddled him, her free hand drawing teasing circles on his bare chest. His grip on her hips got stronger and his resolution to make it right this time was slowly decreasing with every swirl of her tongue in his mouth.
„Do you want to stay a night?“ he whispered when he pulled back, his voice raspy.
Chiara laughed softly and shook her head, wanting to ask him if he would cook the dinner now, so that they could finish what has been started.
„Sienna would go crazy with fear if I didn’t come home tonight and I don’t want to tell her I am staying with you through the phone. They all have a day off tomorrow, I’ll tell them at brunch we have planned.“
„Yes. Sure. That’s… reasonable. I am working tomorrow, but I have a free Sunday, so what do you say about me picking you up tomorrow evening, making you a dinner and you staying here for the night and then on Sunday?“
„That definitely sounds like a plan,“ she grinned and crashed his lips with hers once again.
˜
The brunch was reaching its end, all the spinach quiche has been eaten, mini chocolate tarts made by Sienna in the hands of young doctors and Chiara still couldn’t find her courage to tell them. By the look Sienna gave her last night when she got home, Chiara knew that she was waiting for some kind of explanation and as much as she trusted them to be supportive and happy for her, she felt extremely nervous to drop this bomb.
„Guys, I.. uhm, well.. I kinda have to tell you something. I’ve got some news.“
„Are you moving out?“ Jackie raised her eyebrow.
„Don’t tell us you are transferring to Mass Kenmore too,“ Elijah added.
Chiara laughed and looked at Sienna, who – with a smug smile on her face – nodded softly, sign of encouraging her to simply say it.
„No, I am not moving out and I am not transferring. It’s about Dr. Ramsey.“
„What about him? Is he transferring?“ Elijah gasped again, eyes wide with shock.
„You really haven’t gotten past my transferring E, have you?“ Aurora chuckled.
„He is not,“ Chiara took a deep breath. „Last night he gave me a ride home from the party and we had a chance to talk about… lot of things and we decided to give it a shot. To give a relationship a shot, I mean. We have had feelings for each other for some time now and he never wanted us to be more than collegues but now he kinda changed his mind? However, it needs to be a secret until I am an attending, but I needed to tell you because I can’t keep secrets from you and I love you and I just want you to know that I am dating Ethan Ramsey.“
She expected them to be shocked. Maybe to tease her. She expected the long stunned silence she knows from movies. Despite her hope, she even expected them to be angry or to despise her. What she didn’t expect was their soft laughter and Jackie’s question: „Okay, and now the news? I thought you wanted to share some news with us.“
„That is the news!“ Chiara exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air.
„Oh,“ she breathed out and then added. „I think I am saying this for all of us Chiara – coming clear with your feelings and making things official between the two of you, that’s great. Really, good for you. We are happy. But saying that it’s news? Pleaaaase, we all have known for some time now that you two had something going on.“
„She is right,“ Aurora nodded, grinning.
Chiara sat there with her mouth open, looking from one face to another and really, they all simply smiled knowingly, without a sign of surprise or anger.
„We are really, really happy for you, Chiara. You deserve to be happy and so does Dr. Ramsey, I guess,“ Sienna smiled and hugged Chiara tightly.
„But if he ever hurts you, I am going to kick his balls,“ Jackie couldn’t help but add, joining the hug. Soon, they were all hugging and suddenly, it wasn’t about Chiara and Ethan at all, it was about the friends that support each other through thick and thin, it was about the love they shared.
˜
Chiara couldn’t suppress the smile that spread across her face as she read that one text over and over again.
She would swear that Ethan didn’t really have to get back to work and only wrote that so that he wouldn’t have to carry on with the conversation. She could just imagine how hard it must have been for him to write those words to her and was pretty sure that his cheeks blushed the bright pink colours she adored so much.
˜
As he promised, Ethan parked his car outside Chiara’s apartment at six and since all her roommates have already known about them, he decided to pick her up instead of just calling her to come out.
No matter how many times he told himself that it wasn’t such a big deal, that she spent the night at his place already, he still felt incredibly nervous. What if she didn’t like the dinner he would cook? What if she realized that she actually didn’t want to spend her night and Sunday with him? What if she started to feel the same hatred he felt for himself, because he wasn’t capable of telling her how he really felt while looking into her eyes?
Shaking his head abruptly to get the thoughts out of it, he knocked on the door, hoping that it would be Chiara who opened them.
It was Sienna.
„Dr. Trinh,“ he nodded towards her and seeing her expression, he corrected himself. „Sienna. Good evening.“
„Nice to see you, Dr. Ramsey!“ she smiled. „Come in, I’ll go tell Chiara you are here.“
He stepped into the apartment, watching her back as she walked towards Chiara’s room. Before she could step in, she turned at him once again and added: „I am really happy for you two, Dr. Ramsey.“
„Ethan is just fine, Sienna,“ he said, right corner of his lip lifting softly. „And thank you.“
Soon, Chiara stepped out of her room and smiled oh so brightly when she noticed him standing in the hall. Before she approached him, she hugged Sienna quickly and whispered something into her ear, at which Sienna grinned mischievously.
„Shall we?“ he asked as he pressed his lips against her temple. Chiara simply nodded and followed him into his car, suppressing the need to pinch herself to make sure that any of this was real.
˜
After they finished the dinner – Georgian stuffed chicken, which he promised her all those months ago – they found themselves tangled on his couch, glasses of fine wine in their hands. Chiara insisted on talking about work and Ethan insisted on talking about anything but work.
Before they could argue about why they should or shouldn’t talk about work, they weren’t talking about anything anymore, using their lips for much more pleasing activities.
Covering her petite form with his body, Ethan broke the kiss only to continue pressing his lips on her jawline, on the spot behing her left ear that he knew would make her moan and then sucking on her neck gently. His hands roamed her torso under the sweater she was wearing and just as he was about to tuck the sweater up, Chiara opened her eyes and pushed his hands away.
„Don’t,“ she whispered, shame written all over her face.
Ethan’s brows furrowed at the sudden change in the mood, but of course he immediately stopped in his tracks.
„Sure. Yes, I am really sorry, Chiara. I didn’t intend to be inappropriate. I am really sorry.“
„It’s not that, Ethan,“ she breathed out, her voice so small he almost missed what she was saying. „It’s not about me not wanting… you. Just… well, the accident and then the surgery left me terribly scarred. There are hideous scars all over my stomach and some on my chest too and I don’t want you to see how ugly it all is.“
His chest tightened at her words and he caressed her cheekbone so softly she felt like she was making the touch up.
„Oh, Chiara,“ he whispered. „Don’t ever say something like that ever again, okay? Nothing on your body is hideous. Could I see them, please?“
She nodded and closed her eyes as he rolled her sweater up to her breasts, not wanting to see his expression when he’d see how destroyed her body was.
Keeping her eyes shut, she couldn’t tell if he even looked at her at all, but the fact that for a moment there was no movement around her and no sound that would break the heavy silence of the room was enough for her to think of the worst.
He is disgusted by how I look.
The light warmth of his fingers on her stomach made her open her eyes.
Ethan’s gaze, fixed on her abdomen, was so intense and so adoring it brought tears into her eyes. He traced every single one of her scars with his thumb so softly, so gently it almost tickled. After observing her, he lowered his head and put a feather-like kiss on the first scar while whispering „you are beautiful“. Then the second one („and you are beautiful“) and the third one right over her left breast („and you are beautiful“).
„And you are the most beautiful,“ he whispered as he raised his eyes to look into Chiara’s green ones. She had to close them again, overwhelmed by the gentlesness in his voice and his actions.
Returning to kissing her fiercely, Ethan ran his hand up and down her thigh while sucking and biting the soft flesh above her hip.
„That’s going to leave a mark,“ Chiara all but moaned.
„Nobody will see it here,“ Ethan murmured, not concerned about her words at all. „Or will they?“ he added quickly, looking back at her, his eyes dark with lust and also… was it possiblity of jealousy?
Shaking her head, Chiara got rid of her sweater and started to work on the buttons of Ethan’s shirt, not patient enough to be teased without feeling his skin on hers.
Taking a clue, Ethan ceased the movements of his mouth on her hips only to take her into his arms and bring her into his bedroom, so that they could finish what they started in the comfort of his king-sized bed.
˜
Monday morning came all too quickly for their liking and as excited as Chiara was to get back to work, the comfort and security of Ethan’s apartment were enough for her to complain when she had to leave it.
Ethan and Chiara drove to the hospital together, however once they’ve gotten to the parking lot, Chiara decided to leave the car first while Ethan waited some time longer, so that they wouldn’t raise a suspicion. Once seated in the diagnostics office, Chiara sent a quick message to Ethan that it was safe for him to come to work now.
The door opened after a while and in came both male doctors of the team, Ethan’s expression neutral, while Baz Mirani almost jumped of joy when he noticed Chiara behind the round table.
„Oh, my favourite doctor is back! I am so happy you are here now, Chiara, working with those two grumpies without you was a torture!“
„Excuse me?“ Ethan raised his eyebrow at the remark.
„I am happy to be back too, Baz,“ Chiara laughed, ignoring Ethan’s (pretended) offended expression and stood up to hug Baz tightly.
„You still have a cane?“
„Yup. hopefully not forever, though. It’s more an accessory now,“ she grinned.
„Cool!“ Baz exclaimed. „We should call you Dr. House while you have it! Right, Ethan?“
Ethan’s confussion – unlike his offended face – wasn’t an act when he innocently asked: „And why would we do that?“
Chiara and Baz exchanged an amused look at Ethan’s hopeless unfamiliarity with mainstream hospital dramas, while he watched them both with his brows furrowed, knowing too well that they would tease him for it for days.
˜
Weeks turned into months and by March, Chiara felt as if the accident happened years ago. She didn’t need the cane anymore – which made Baz both happy (for her) and sad (because the Dr. House jokes had to stop) – and with the amount of nights she’s been spending with Ethan, even her nightmares have seemed to disappear.
„Dr. Ray,“ Ethan acknowleged her presence as he reached the nurse’s station. „I was about to page you. We have a patient to see.“
Without saying a word, Chiara followed him to the room, listening to the information he was sharing with her: „Ellie Barnes, five years old. Losing weight, severe headaches, stomach cramps. Her mother brought her here this morning with fever.“
With the list of possible diagnoses in her head, Chiara walked into the room, ready to talk to the little girl. However, before she could open her mouth, Ethan approached the bed Ellie was laying in and smiled down at her.
The little gril with wide smile and curly blonde hair, dressed in pink pajamas with Rapunzel on top of the shirt, was hugging her princess doll tightly, while her mother kept stroking her hair gently.
„Hello, Ellie. I am Dr. Ethan and this is Dr. Chiara. We will take care of you while you are here.“
„Are you my prince?“ Ellie asked immediately.
Ethan laughed softly at the proposition, but shook his head.
„I am afraid I might be too old to be your prince, but I could be your knight. What do you say about that? I will be the night that will fight all the bad things that are making you feel sick now.“
„Okay,“ Ellie shrugged. „Knight sounds good.“
„In that case, Princess Ellie, we will need to draw some blood so that we can discover the villain in your body and fight it.“
„Will you hold my hand, Dr. Knight Ethan?“
Kneeling next to her bed, Ethan took her small hand into his huge one and smiled even wider at the princess girl.
„Of course I will. And Dr. Chiara here, she could be the fairy in our story, hm? Well, she will draw the blood and talk to your mom, okay?“
Ellie nodded, hugging her doll even tighter with one hand, while Ethan rubbed the other with his thumb.
„You were pretty good with her,“ Chiara said as they left Ellie’s room to run the tests.
„I am pretty good with all my patients, Dr. Ray,“ Ethan grinned.
„Well, yeah, you are, but you know what I mean. I have never seen you with kid patient before, I guess. It just surprised me to see how natural you were with Ellie.“
„I like kids.“ Ethan shrugged, not knowing how to react to Chiara’s compliment.
And I can never give them to you, she thought bitterly, biting her lip so that she wouldn’t ruin their day by the remark if she said it aloud.
˜
That evening, Ethan found himself sitting on his couch with Jenner’s head in his lap, reading a medical journal, when the comfortable silence of the apartment was disturbed by ringing of his phone.
„Chiara? Is everything alright?“ he picked it up, horror audible in his voice.
„Yes, sure. I am fine. I was just wondering if I could come in tonight?“
„Aren’t Tuesday nights reserved for your roommates?“
„Yeah, but they decided to have a group date night and since Elijah is taking Phebe and Sienna is taking Danny, I can’t bring you with me and I don’t feel like going alone. So, um.. I thought that maybe you wouldn’t mind if I came?“
„Of course you can come. Do you need me to pick you up?“
„Nope. I’ll be there in an hour.“
˜
„Okay Ethan, I need you to tell me what’s wrong. Did I interrupt your peaceful evening? Should I go home?“
Chiara’s been at Ethan’s place for more than an hour now and his mood was only getting worse. Not wanting to talk about it, he left her in the dark, only guessing what was wrong.
„No, don’t go home, please,“ he finally responded. „It’s not about you. Just… argh, I am just so angry.“
„With me?“
„No! With myself. With circumstances. With life.“
„Did something happen at work?“
Ethan sighed, running a hand through his hair. Wearing a gray Henley t-shirt with dark jeans made him look younger, more relaxed and yet, at this very moment, Ethan Ramsey looked simply… defeated.
„After you called me, I had to think about what you said. That you can’t bring me with you because there are people who don’t know about us. And it got me thinking, it made me admit the one thing I’ve been so afraid to admit.“
„What are you talking about?“ Chiara asked gently, taking his hand between hers.
„I am so scared that you will sooner or later realize that you could have so much better than me, Chiara,“ he whispered, voice heavy with fear and vulnerability. „That you deserve so much more. You deserve a relationship in which your man takes you out for a dinner and holds your hand in public and kisses you in the middle of the street. You deserve to be able to bring your boyfriend with you when meeting your friends. You deserve so much more than sneaking around and having dinner at my apartment, making sure that nobody sees us holding hands or being careful to not to stare at each other for too long in the hospital halls, because that would be suspicious. And I can’t give you what you deserve. Lahela could give you that. Aveiro could give you that. Goddamnit anyone could give you that, anyone but me. And I dread the day you realize all of this and leave me. Because neither of us got what we deserved. You’ve gotten much less with me than what you deserve. I, on the contrary, have gotten so, so, so much more with you, than what I deserve. And it’s not fair.“
There was a long silence. All Ethan could hear was his drumming heart in his ears.
„I knew what I’ve gotten myself into when we agreed to give us a try, Ethan,“ Chiara broke the silence at last, her voice barely above whisper. „I know who you are and I am very aware of what we can and cannot be. I am also aware of what I could have with other boys. I am a grown woman, Ethan, I can make my decisions and I realize the consequences of them. And I need you to listen to me now. I want to be with you, Ethan Jonah Ramsey. I would rather sneak around with you and hide in your apartment than hold my hands in public with anyone else. I chose you and I keep choosing you every day. You need to start believing that you are good enough. Not only for me, for everyone. Because you are enough, Ethan.“
The next moment, Chiara felt like she was being crushed by the force with which Ethan hugged her. She could swear she felt his tears moisten the skin under her hair, however before she could confirm her suspicion by looking up at Ethan, he cleared his throat and gently pulled away, standing up from the couch.
„I’ll be right back,“ he murmured and left the living room.
When he got back, he played with his antique phonograph for a while and as the room was filled with gentle tones of one of Frank Sinatra’s songs, he lit up three candles and switched the lights off.
Only then he approached Chiara, still sitting on his couch and with almost shy expression that adorned his face, he asked: „Can I have this dance?“
With a brught smile, Chiara stood up and took his hand, the other one landing on his chest.
„I would never believe that Ethan Ramsey owned candles,“ she teased him.
„In fact, I like candles very much. I enjoy staring into the fire and since this apartment doesn’t have a fireplace, I light up the candles from time to time and just look at them while listening to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons.“
She smiled at the picture forming in her head, Ethan’s relaxed form with glass of whiskey in his hand, softly humming into the tones of violin, thoughtfully looking into the small flame of a candle.
They slowly swayed in the middle of the room, Chiara’s head resting just under Ethan’s shoulder, while he kept kissing the top of her head, his eyes closed.
How did I get this lucky?
The thought ran in Chiara’s head over and over.
What did I do to deserve this? was the one Ethan kept replaying in his mind.
„Thank you. For having me,“ he whispered into her hair.
„Thank you for letting me have you.“
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Promises Not Kept Part 5
Summary: Tommy Shelby made a promise to Jonah Ward while in the war. A promise he didn't keep. But it comes to haunt him when he tries to drown out his sorrows with a young woman.
Part 5: After spending the night together, Tommy wishes he could solve conflict easily, Lizzie has some sage advice for Leah. Leah’s past isn’t all behind her.
Tommy rarely had hangovers anymore. Or at least ones that he even noticed. He usually had a migraine so it made no difference if it was a stress headache or that of a hangover. In fact, he felt a little lighter on that particular morning after the night out with Leah. If anything could get Thomas Shelby to fall asleep it was a copious amount of alcohol and a few rounds of sex. He actually slept through most of the night once he and Leah passed out in bed.
Itching for a cigarette upon waking, Tommy opened his eyes and stretched an arm out for his always-nearby pack. After regaining awareness of his surroundings, he realized he was pinned to the bed by a particularly cozy blonde. A rare morning smile crossed his face and his mind wandered to how it used to be. Grace always curled up in his arms when they went to sleep. But by the end of the night, she managed to accumulate all the blankets, unknowingly keeping them far from Tommy. He never minded.
Leah appeared to be the opposite. She was sprawled out over him, her cheek resting on his sternum, one hand resting on his collarbone, the other pressed to his heart. Her legs tangled with his and if she had been a full-grown man, Tommy wouldn’t be able to move. She was fast asleep and he was hesitant to wake her.
But he needed a smoke. As carefully as he could, Tommy tried to ease out from under her. He froze when she stirred but she merely turned over, flopping off of him and onto the bed. Relieved, Tommy quietly sat up and saw his cigarettes weren’t on the night table. Remembering the night before, he realized he hadn’t gone through his typical night routine.
After leaving the yard, they’d returned to Watery Lane and Tommy barely let Leah get up the stairs before kissing her. Pressing her up against the wall, his fingers already working at the buttons running down the back of her dress. It took some time but they eventually stumbled upstairs. The room showed evidence of their disregard for the world around them. They were too intently focused on each other. His things were scattered all over the floor. He’d tossed Leah’s dress to the furthest corner of the room and her stockings now adorned the dresser.
Tommy rose quietly and slipped on a pair of boxers. He searched for his coat and found his cigarette pack. But he forgot they’d run out the night before. Cursing silently under his breath, Tommy hastily got dressed and headed down to find more. He locked the door behind him so no one would wander into the room and disturb Leah. Without his pocket watch, most likely lost among the cluttered room, he had no idea what time it was as he went downstairs.
~~~~~~~~~~
No one was in the parlor so Tommy entered the betting shop to track down cigarettes. The shop was already bustling with activity. Bets were being called back and forth and money exchanging hands. His employees gave him polite nods in greeting as he maneuvered his way back to his office.
Lizzie was waiting there for him. “Sleeping in today?” She questioned. It was rare for Tommy to not be up at dawn. The man never seemed to sleep.
Bogged down by the extra hours of shuteye, he only gave her a glance in reply. He passed by her and dug through his desk for cigarettes. “I don’t have any meetings today, I can sleep in.” He muttered.
Lizzie sighed and reached into her pocket to spare him a cigarette. Her boss couldn’t function without one nearby. “Arthur said you were out late.”
“He was too.” Tommy graciously took the donation and lit it.
"He wasn't sure where you went once you left."
He shrugged and set the cigarette onto the ashtray for a moment to fix his cufflinks. He was definitely not as immaculately dressed as he usually was. But his outfit wasn't of any importance that morning, especially to Lizzie it seemed. "I headed down to the yard for a mo' then came back home."
“He said you were with someone when you left.”
He leaned against his desk, facing his secretary. After a few anxiety relieving puffs, he met her hard gaze. “You seem surprised.”
She wasn’t. If anything, she was wounded by his callousness but wouldn’t show him. “Who is she?” Her tone was clipped as she hugged a binder to her chest like a shield for her heart.
“I have a feeling Arthur already informed you.” Tommy retorted and walked around his desk to sit down. His eyes scanned over the list of things that needed to be done that coming week.
“Maybe he did. I guess I want to hear it from you.” She lifted her chin higher and didn’t break eye contact even when he did.
“I knew her husband, he passed during the war. He asked me to take care of her.”
“So you’re sleeping with her? That’s taking care of her?”
He cleared his throat and focused on the words in front of him. The last thing he wanted was a conflict with his assistant. Their relationship was complicated enough and he knew that it was mainly his own doing. He could be the villain if she wanted to paint him that way. He wouldn’t blame her. “If I want to talk about my personal relationships, I will. But for now, we’re running a business.”
Lizzie rolled her eyes and gave a huff of annoyance. “Honestly, Tommy, you’re thick sometimes.” She spat before leaving the office and slamming the door behind him.
He sighed deeply and scrubbed his hands over his eyes a few times to wake up. If only he could snap his fingers and instantly get rid of all the conflicts in his life. If only.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leah woke up not much longer after Tommy went downstairs. Dazed and sporting a fine headache, she turned over. The bed was empty beside her, as was the small bedroom. She sat up and stretched her arms above her head. It was nearly impossible to pinpoint the exact emotions she was feeling. It was a mixture of everything all at once. She felt cared for, as Tommy had taken care of that need she had during his absence. He’d been tender with her, much more than when they were at the hotel. They’d taken their time and in that way, she felt more important to him. But in the light of day, fears and suspicions crept up on Leah. Was he just stringing her along for an occasional fuck? Was it simply the alcohol making her think their connection was more intense than it actually was? Was she being naïve?
Leah bit her lip and stood up to find her slip. Slowly dressing, she glanced at the mirror every so often. Tommy’s presence was still strong, despite the empty room. He’d left bruising marks on her neck where he’d feverishly kissed and sucked at the skin. Her hips were mildly tender from where he’d gripped her so firmly. But she couldn’t remember ever being in pain.
As she moved around the room, she passed over his discarded clothes. His scent lingered in the air. The evidence of their alcohol intake also remained within the fabric of the night before.
Tommy’s room was tiny but mostly sparse. There wasn’t anything distinguishing it as his. She picked her stockings up off the dresser and found a drawer partly open. Overly curious, she slid it open and found a few neckties loosely folded inside. But a bit of dull silver poked out from under a black silk tie. She pulled it out and discovered it was his dog tags. The tarnished silver was dirty and dinged up from his service. But she could make out the information stamped into the small circle.
Thomas Shelby
Sergeant Major
179
Leah’s thumb passed over the indented metal. Jonah’s tags were under her bed, sitting in the box with his letters. She closed her eyes for a moment to breathe evenly and deeply. For a brief moment, she let her mind wander to what might have happened if Jonah had come home to her. She might not have even met Tommy. But she would have her best friend back and in her arms again.
She dropped Tommy’s tags and buried it back under the black tie. It was no good fixating on an alternate reality. Jonah would never return to her. Now she had Tommy. Or did she?
“Time will tell.” She whispered under her breath and shut the drawer. She gathered the rest of her things to head downstairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leah donned the same blue dress she’d worn the night before. She stepped out of Tommy’s room and found the second floor was quiet. However, she could hear activity coming from downstairs. Men were talking and calling words that she couldn’t quite make out.
Lizzie was in the parlor and heard Leah coming down the steps. The second she saw the unfamiliar woman, Lizzie could guess why Tommy gravitated her way. She had the same golden blonde hair his late wife had.
“Sorry, I was looking for Tommy,” Leah explained.
“You’re the girl he was with last night?” His assistant didn’t give her an answer and sipped at the tea she’d made.
“Yes, I’m Leah.” She wasn’t sure who she was. But it was obvious the woman had a problem with her despite not meeting her before.
“Where d’you work?”
“The dress shop a few streets over.” Leah became uneasy under Lizzie’s harsh stare. It reminded her of how Teresa used to glare at her if a client chose Leah over her. Anger, jealousy, and a hint of threats.
“And before that?” Lizzie raised an eyebrow. Tommy didn’t just go wandering into dress shops and sweeping the shop girl off her feet. She could tell Leah was new to Birmingham. Tommy had found her somewhere else and Lizzie had a sneaking suspicion of where.
Leah didn’t look away. “If you’ll just tell him I had a lovely time and that I can’t wait to see him again. I would appreciate that.” She slipped on her coat to leave. There was no use in divulging her past to a woman she just met, and one who was being so standoffish.
“You’d be wise to get out while you can,” Lizzie warned before she made it to the door. “He’s not a man you want to get involved with. You have to know he’s dangerous and I’m guessing you don’t care.” She set her teacup down and crossed her arms over her chest. “But he’ll break your heart and leave you for something better when it comes along. He’s restless and never happy with what he has. He could have the world in the palm of his hand and he’d still want more.”
Leah swallowed under her cold gaze. The words were haunting and made her second guess herself. There was nothing she could say in response so she left the home without a word. She burrowed her hands in her pockets and braced against the fall chill. She wondered if she should cry or not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those days, she wasn’t sure which way was up anymore. The world turned around her and she merely stood there. She’d felt numb, practically a ghost drifting about the world for years. People walked right through her without a care in the world. There didn’t seem to be any substance left to her. She used to be so sure who she was. Jonah and her family gave her a sense of purpose and identity.
Tommy didn’t give her an identity. She still felt lost. But he filled her with feeling, emotions that she thought were unattainable after her loss of self. She could feel her heartbeat in her chest when he looked at her.
Tears pricked her eyes as she made her way down Watery Lane. Birmingham went about its morning, not noticing the young woman dabbing her tears away. It didn’t feel her guilt and uncertainty. The city didn’t care if she cried.
About a block away from her apartment, Leah could spot a few men. They were lingering inconspicuously around her front step. She paused, wary of their unnatural presence. One of the men turned and she instantly recognized the disfiguring scar over the left side of his face. His eye clouded over, blinded by shrapnel he’d caught in the war.
Leah’s breath caught in her throat and her chest seized in panic. They were men under Madame Rosetta’s employ. Large men who kept the peace in the brothel, hunted down debts and intimidated the girls into obeying Rosetta.
She’d been punished several times in her earlier days in the brothel. Anything from tardiness, refusing advances of aggressive clients or drinking heavily on the job.
Andrew, the partially blind man, was always willing to dish out consequences. The man was rumored to have a high kill count during the war. He was excessively violent and seemed to have no problem with the pain he inflicted. He most likely enjoyed it.
But Leah was not about to allow him the satisfaction again. Not while she had her life back on track. And especially not when she had Tommy Shelby in her corner.
Before the men spotted her in the street, Leah turned and hurried to the dress shop. The store was closed because it was Sunday, but Beth lived in the flat upstairs.
The younger woman was surprised to see Leah at her door, especially because the poor woman looked as if she’d seen a ghost.
“Can I use your telephone?” Leah blurted before Beth could ask what had happened.
“Um-sure.” She nodded and let her upstairs.
Leah wasted no time in picking up the line and having the operator connect her to Tommy’s home.
Polly had just entered when the phone began to ring. “Shelby residence.” She answered formally.
“Hello, is Tommy available?” She was too shaken up to be polite.
Not recognizing the voice, Polly was suspicious. “Who’s calling?”
“Leah Ward, please it’s an emergency.” She begged. Her knuckles were white from gripping the receiver so tightly.
Beth watched with worry. She couldn’t fathom what had spooked her friend so badly. Now, she was apparently trying to get in touch with Thomas Shelby. No one called a Shelby to have an idle chat. They called for business or action.
Polly had heard about the woman from her nephews. They spoke about how Tommy had them keep an eye on a shop girl whose husband they knew from the war. “Alright, let me see if he’s nearby.” She could hear the urgency from the other end of the phone.
Leah paced as far as the phone wire would allow her. She anxiously chewed on her nails while she waited. Beth wordlessly asked for an explanation but she could only shake her head in response.
“Leah?”
Tommy’s voice was like an angel’s; he was someone who could protect her. “Tommy, I need your help.”
The man’s gut wrenched in worry. He’d been confused by his aunt explaining who was on the other line. As far as he knew, Leah was still upstairs in his room. He thought for sure she would come down and find him before leaving. He wasn’t aware of her interaction with Lizzie as his assistant had yet to pass along her message.
“What’s going on? Where are you?” He asked.
“I’m at Beth’s home.” Leah’s voice wavered. “There were men at my apartment. I-I don’t know why they were there but I know they work for Rosetta.”
The mention of Leah’s old employer sparked anger in Tommy. He wanted to give her the freedom from that life. But it seemed Rosetta wasn’t about to let her loose.
“Are you safe?”
“Well, yes. But, Tommy I’m afraid they’ve been watching me. How’d they know where I live?”
“S’alright, love.” Tommy did his best to soothe her over the phone. He didn’t even realize he was using such tender language or tone with her at the moment. “Stay where you are. I’ll take care of this.” He assured her in a steady voice. But he was already standing up and reaching for his gun to tuck into his coat. “I’ll come to the shop when I’m finished.”
Leah shook her head frantically. “Don’t do anything foolish.” She begged. “I don’t want you getting hurt because of me.”
“I won’t.” He promised. Tommy was more than certain he could handle a few dim-witted thugs. “Just stay with Beth for now. Take a deep breath and put the kettle on, eh? Calm yourself down, I won’t be long.”
“Tommy-”
The line went dead before Leah could interject again.
“John, Arthur!” Tommy shouted as he exited his office.
His younger brother was standing at the blackboard writing down odds. He paused for a moment, Tommy’s voice carrying above the bets. Arthur glanced up from a few slips, a questioning look on his face.
Tommy slipped on his flat cap. “Follow me.”
Permanent Tag: @papa-geralt-of-cirilla @giftofdreams @biba3434 @kimmietea
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#tommy shelby#tommy shelby x oc#tommy shelbyxoc#tommy shelby imagine#peaky blinders#peaky blinder imagine#peaky fookin blinders#peaky blinders fanfiction#fanfiction#ofc#oc#lizzie stark#john shelby#arthur shelby
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Like Emptiness In Harmony
TMA AU of 160. When Jon wakes up after that statement, he finds that he’s changed just as the world around him has.
on AO3
Jon came back to himself... no, that wasn’t right; Jon’s self was far too nebulous a concept for that. How many weeks, months, years had passed since he’d truly been himself, free of influence by eldritch powers? Had he even truly been himself before he’d joined the Magnus Institute, or had he been controlled by the Web back then, too? Would he even recognize his true self, his human self, anymore? (Were his true self and his human self even the same thing these days?)
Jon came back to consciousness on the floor of the safehouse, with Martin standing over him, and for a brief second things seemed alright, seemed as normal as they ever were, before he saw the terror in Martin’s eyes and remembered what he’d read out loud before passing out and knew (lower-case) that something had gone terribly wrong.
The details were still fuzzy in Jon’s mind, though, and as Jon struggled to put the pieces together, to wake up more fully and figure out exactly what kind of trouble he was in this time, he was only able to say a single word.
“Martin.”
But... but it didn’t sound right, somehow. The word was clear enough, luckily, it wasn’t like he was trying to spit it out through a gagged mouth (which was a sensation Jon unfortunately knew all too well thanks to Nikola), but the tone was off. Jon was confused and curious and scared, but when he called out Martin’s name, none of that came through. Instead, his voice sounded... smug, smug and vaguely condescending, much closer to the sort of tone he would have used to dismiss Martin before Prentiss’ attack than the one he’d meant to adopt now.
“Jon?” Jon wasn’t sure how much of the uncertainty he heard in Martin’s voice just then was real and how much of it was just his mind projecting. Probably some of both there.
Jon cleared his throat and tried again.
“Martin.”
It came out the same as before--exactly the same as before, actually, his tone and enunciation both identical to when he’d said Martin’s name before, as much so as if he’d recorded it before and simply played it back again instead of actually speaking anew.
An analogy that, when Jon examined it more closely, seemed entirely too on the nose.
“My god.”
He said the words only partially because they were what he actually wanted to say; if Jon were free to speak his mind, his speech would probably be significantly less coherent right now, and filled with half-formed questions. But this would have to do at short notice, combining actual meaning with a way to test his current theory.
Sure enough, he was able to say those words just fine, just as he had... how long ago was it, now? Minutes, hours, an eternity ago? And with them came that same smug, self-congratulatory tone, one that almost made Jon want to punch himself in the face for sounding like that. But it wasn’t really himself that he wanted to punch in the face at the moment, just as it hadn’t been himself, exactly, who had first said those words. It was his voice, sure, but the words themselves, the mind behind them, were not his own.
Jon opened his mouth to say Fuck Jonah Magnus, but was far from surprised to find that the words refused to cross the gap between his mind and the world around him.
It was all starting to come together, now. It didn’t click, per se, just continued on the progression from lazy analogy to hunch to theory to something just shy of a dark certainty.
Why did nobody ever swear in the statements, goddammit?
Though that- that wasn’t quite true, was it, there were one or two instances in there where-
And then it clicked. Jon Knew, then, what he could and couldn’t say, the exact limits of his strange new vocabulary. (Or... not new, really. None of these words were new to him. Perhaps he would never say anything new again.)
“Jon, are you alright?”
Even Knowing what he could say didn’t mean controlling his speech was easy, though. It was a little like trying to conduct a conversation by flipping through a dictionary, having to find just the right word in its pages every time a new one was needed.
“No. No, of course not.” The words were right, or close enough at any rate, but the tone was all wrong, and it wasn’t even Jon’s own voice this time, the voice and words of a now-dead man leaving his lips instead.
Jon laughed, then, and that at least sounded normal enough... well, for a certain definition of normal, at any rate. It sounded sharp and cold and full of fear, without a hint of humor to be found, and that wasn’t normal for a laugh, no, but it was what Jon had intended at any rate, a sound that was still all his own.
“Jon, you’re, you’re scaring me a bit, something about your voice seems weird...” Oh, good, he noticed that much at least. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know... and it makes me very afraid.” At least it was his voice again, now, not that of... well. Jon wanted to call Mike Crew a killer, a monster, but those weren’t exactly distinguishing features, were they? Martin probably didn’t even recognize the voice that Jon had adopted a moment ago; it’s not as if he’d had the chance to chat up Mike before Daisy killed him.
“Right. Alright. Well then, er... is, is there anything I can do to help?”
Jon laughed, and this time there was humor to it, or at least levity, despite the world having gone wrong, despite his voice no longer being entirely his own, because no matter what Martin was still Martin, trying to help, putting Jon’s well-being above all else, even when the world was quite possibly falling to pieces around them.
“I am unsure if I will... be able to stand myself up again.” Between the words and the hand extended in Martin’s direction, Jon hoped that the instruction would be clear enough.
Evidently it was, as Martin took his hand, helping pull Jon off of the floor and back onto his feet. It took more effort than it should have, Jon thought, Martin grunting and breathing heavily by the end of it despite past jokes about how easy it was to pick Jon up, but it worked, though Martin’s whole body was shaking by the end of it. (Jon wasn’t sure whether said shaking was even entirely physical in nature, truth be told.)
Jon half-walked, half-stumbled his way forward.
“No, no, no--don’t, don’t go outside. It’s--it’s real bad.”
Outside had never been Jon’s destination, however, though Martin seemed to believe otherwise. Jon didn’t want to go outside, to experience the horrors that had now been unleashed upon the world outside their cabin. He simply wanted to... Jon had to suppress a bout of hysterical laughter as it occurred to him that he simply wanted to see what had happened, to watch the chaos unfold, and wasn’t that all too fitting...
The view outside the nearest window was enough to confirm all of Jon’s worst suspicions. The world had been torn apart, all the fears unleashed upon it to wreak havoc, all because of what he’d just read out loud (all because of him).
“My god.” It felt wrong, somehow, using the words of the man who had orchestrated this apocalypse to describe it, but Jon didn’t have much in the way of alternatives at his disposal.
“I don’t know if it’s just here, or-”
“No. No...” Between trying to put the world’s destruction into words and trying to translate what words he could come up with into something said in the statements, Jon struggled to speak, though it didn’t show in his voice when he did manage to string a few more words together. “...the populated world... edged with a strange, creeping fear... far, far away...”
“Is that Peter’s voice? Jon, don’t... just, please don’t.” Martin laughed briefly, though Jon could see that his eyes were filling with tears. “I, I think I’ve heard enough from him already, thanks.”
Jon nodded enthusiastically, went to apologize, realized that even a simple “I’m sorry” was beyond his reach now, settled for “I was an idiot.” instead.
“Don’t say that. You’re not an idiot for not thinking of it, it’s just...” Martin let out a long sigh. “Jon, I’m scared.”
“...fear can just become as routine as hunger... I felt every feeling... They overwhelmed me... my impact on the world... my failure...” Jon switched between different statements, different voices, desperate to find the words to explain what had happened, what the world had become and how it was all his own fault. The end result felt like almost as great a failure as what it was purporting to describe, but it was an attempt, at least. It would have to do.
Martin wrapped one arm around Jon’s shoulder; Jon briefly considered pushing it off because he was about the last person who deserved to be comforted now, when he was the one who had caused so much pain and suffering, but decided against it because that would hurt Martin’s feelings more than it would appease his own, and he couldn’t exactly explain his own thought process to Martin at the moment.
“You’re not a failure, Jon. No matter what this is, no matter what else happens, you’re not a failure.”
Jon laughed and shook his head and laughed some more, a laugh that kept threatening to turn into a sob as he looked out at the ruins of the world he had wrecked entirely.
“And with each act of glorious, hateful destruction, I felt my god’s love embrace me, consume me... ”
Jon pointed to the sky, to the giant eye that now engulfed it.
“It’s still there, still watching me.”
The laugh that kept threatening to turn into a sob finally did so after a long minute, and as it did the tears that had been building in Martin’s eyes began to flow, and the two men threw their arms around each other, holding one another for comfort as they cried over the loss of their world.
#tma#tma au#tma fic#tma fanfic#the magnus archives#the magnus archives au#the magnus archives fic#the magnus archives fanfic#personal#my writing
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the world in her heart, her heart in his hands
assorted sidenotes for the fic i made in response to an anon-sent aesthetic prompt! oooh boy, i sure took long on this one lmao...... _(:3 」∠)_
prompt #7: steady notes coming from a guitar nearby, fireflies dancing around the clearing, two sleeping bags close together, and a bright full moon briefly covered by a cloud.
so the core idea i had when i saw that prompt got requested was based on jonah’s say i do! route: he says that one day, he wanted to go to the land of reason + see the place alice was born and raised. tbh idk how the prompt even led me to that, but the imagery vibes i got from the prompt hinted of something like freedom. or something like lovers secretly meeting in the woods, which i sort of went by.
OKAY SO I SWEAR I FINISHED WRITING THE PROMPT (day zero!!!) EARLY (by my standards) LMAO.............. like, maybe a week after i got the ask or so? but then when i went about proofreading it i felt that it was... lacking??? i can’t explain it myself, but i didn’t wanna post it yet until i got that feeling cleared out - i tried revising + adding, but it didn’t help so i just started thinking about expanding the fic instead...
thinking about the scenes really took longer than i thought?!?!?! i wanted this request up early but i was stumped on what kind of scenes i wanted to see + how their lengths were gonna be.... plus i was thinking if i should go solely on narration + description........ or maybe more of dialogue...... then i jumped to holy shit what’s my timeline gonna be what cultural whatnot am i gonna emphasize and i think i fussed over those aspects rather than picturing the actual scenes LMAOOO.......................
great disclaimer: i have NEVER stepped into the uk..... or england + london for that matter ahahaha GET REKT tho i want to someday huehuehue....... i heavily relied my research on maps + history websites + train timetables to help me get through the touring parts so do forgive me if i messed up somewhere + butchered history haha..... i was thinking to make things vague, but since i’m always in for emphasizing the differences between cradle + land of reason, i decided to get a little technical with it......
i have to admit that i wrote most of the fic during breaks in work hELLA RAD........... i’m doing my job properly, i swear........ it’s just that when i already have a stable idea of what i want to happen, the scene becomes clearer in my mind. i wanted so! badly! to add scenes of jonah pronouncing words and looking at various things funny!!! jonah and his attempts to communicate with londoners!!! fussy jonah poking around a boutique, him being fascinated + studying displays of gun shops, or him accidentally offending the royal guard + constables LMAOOOOO but i couldn’t seem to write anything satisfactory involving those ideas........... ಥ_ಥ
back to the issue of timeline, i was picturing the london in this fic to be around the 1860s or smth.... but then i remembered that in edgar’s dramatic end letter, he mentions his fascination with electricity aka lightbulbs......... which were, like...... discovered early 1800s but only became common in 1882 ahahaha....... when i realized this i was already writing day 18 oOOPS so i just decided to go on and wing it I’M SORRY _(:3 」∠)_
on timeframe, i know that it’s very highly unlikely that jonah would take a vacation for two months. i bet the mere concept of a one-month vacation is enough to give him a heart attack LMAOOOO but let’s just say that red army told him to take his time in the land of reason, especially when they learn that jonah plans to formally meet alice’s parents. when he hears about this, lancelot tosses in the suggestion of proposing to alice while they’re in the land of reason, so that jonah can tell her parents about that too. jonah thinks it’s a fantastic idea..... so he decides to accept hot damn, a two month vacation!
whole route & lengths of stay (points streaked with red are mentioned within the fic minus nottingham whoops sorry):
london [16 days bc IT’S A BIG CITY LMAO (day 30 - 14). rides a morning train going to bristol on the 14th, arrives there midday.]
bristol [5 days (day 14 - 9). leaves bristol on the morning of the 9th to walk all the way to glastonbury, arrives there come late afternoon / evening.]
glastonbury [4 days (day 9 - 5). leaves midday of the 5th to walk their way to alice’s village, arrives there around sunset.]
alice’s village / ‘actual wonderland’ lmao [5 days (day 5 - 0). located somewhere in between bridgwater, taunton, and glastonbury. month 1 of vacation has ended.]
day log commentary!
thirty. arrival in the land of reason through falling - routes where alice does go back don’t feature her falling down london’s sky, so maybe she’s just... spit out from the hole????? idk haha so i altered it anyway!!!!! the landing scene was initially like this: jonah lands first, he catches alice in his arms, they banter a bit....... and then they suddenly remember the suitcase only for said object to fall right on jonah’s head LMAOOO....... it’s a cradle magical object that looks like a regular suitcase but will always be as light as a feather despite it’s contents + it has GREAT CAPACITY so jonah is actually okay!!!!!! i decided to scrap that scene concept though haha!
twenty-nine. does the hole to the land of reason only open around midnight or smth???? i’m sure it doesn’t, but i went with jonah + alice leaving cradle minutes before twelve o’clock, so when they arrive in london jonah gets to see the big ben signal midnight. is that planned on alice’s part? maybe. on another note, i’m assuming that a high-ranking officer + noble like jonah is definitely used to traveling to other countries so he’s definitely not one for homesickness, but i like the thought of him always feeling all sorts of uncomfortable on his first nights away from home - he doesn’t make a big deal about it bc he gets better three days in or so. idk, it just seems fitting for someone very particular like him.
twenty-seven. if luka’s hair is fucking dyed, my god (no wonder i found those light ends of his hair sorta funny), then here’s jonah excuse to adapt another hair color with the help of magic crystals LMAO - i always stick with a reality ensues standpoint, so his ikeman looks aside, i’m sure londoners would find jonah’s hair color (heck, maybe even his eye color) very unique. alice can’t deal with all that sudden attention lol but she somewhat proud that the man who has effortlessly captured the attention of the people of her world too is the man she proudly calls her lover ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
twenty-three. now that i think of it, what exactly does cradle mean when they say the land of reason? are they simply referring to the city of london, or earth as a whole??? most likely the latter, but i’m pretty sure no one except blanc (and possibly ray bc that globe in his room lol) know exactly how large the land of reason is. anyway, not gonna lie, i wanted jonah + alice talking about novels by maybe the likes of charles dickens, thomas hardy, george eliot or h.g. wells. heck, maybe jane austen and charlotte bronte too!!!! but i had to scrap that bc gaps in understanding cultural & historical references + use of language, figurative and non-figurative.... it’s a shame about the last two though - i’m sure jonah can somehow probably relate to the society depicted in their books since the red territory sounds like your typical breeding place of victorian era nobles lmao!!!!
eighteen. sometimes when people learn / gain a deeper understanding about new things, they have the urge to brag about said knowledge to others - of course jonah wants to show alice what he knows about her world so far haha! calling a train a mechanical beast tho lmao..... he refers to it that way, but i think it’s his target of fascination in london!!! noise and possibly environmental issues aside, it’s very convenient + efficient and can cater to all, but what he finds most impressive that it’s a man-made locomotive!!! that’s something worth incredible praise!!! ( ᐛ )و
fourteen. actual train ride!!! hmmm.... i think jonah only panics maybe a good thirty minutes in when the train starts moving??? alice tries to calm him down by pointing at the passing scenery out the window + idle chatter until jonah finally relaxes himself.... but then he starts to panic slightly again when alice suggests that they look around the train and he’s like: is that even remotely safe??? what about our baggages, can we leave them unattended??? hey, i saw you snicker - how dare you laugh at me!!!
nine. according to google, an estimate of a walk starting from bristol going to glastonbury is 8h 25min. that’s for the present time though - would’ve it been shorter or longer in the past??? idk, but definitely one’s pace during the walk affects the total time, lol. since railroads only started out around 1830s + i made alice a village girl, walking really is her way to go. pedestrianism was still a thing around the 19th century!!! her stamina in other routes tho lol (ﾟ⊿ﾟ)
six. here’s my self-indulgent thing of wanting to add a dance scene, pt. 1 LMAOOOO - the steps in the scene aren’t really from a certain folk dance in england, much less from glastonbury itself... i did look up on england folk dances, but i couldn’t pick one that i wanted to incorporate into the scene so i went with describing some random steps on the top of my head _(:3 」∠)_ ..... maybe someday, i’ll write a proper one..... on another note though, i suppose jonah can adapt quickly to folk dances, but he may come off a bit stiff at first in line / column dances where there’s the switch of partners??? i mean, there are formal 19th century dances that have that same concept, but.... the finesse + personal boundaries are all there lmao - he’s not against the casual intimacy + show of obvious joy in folk + common dances though, it’s just more of that he’s not used to the informality of it all, i think.
five. plot twist: alice does lead jonah to her home, the cottage on a hill like she always described, but what he doesn’t expect is when she solemnly says that she’d introduce him to her parents she leads him to the back of the hill and in the foot of the hill he finds himself staring at her parents’ gravestones as she’s smiling sadly with a bouquet of flowers in her hand OH WAIT WRONG GENRE WASN’T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FLUFF LMAO - kidding aside, i do hope cybird catches onto the idea of a story event of chosen suitor going to the land of reason with alice to meet her parents or smth!!! they did do a travel event in the jp ver, after all.... but i’m not keeping my hopes up haha....... _(:3 」∠)_
zero. self-indulgent thing of wanting to add a dance scene, pt. 2 - tho it’s in the latter part along with the prompt lmao!!! hmmm, i’m pretty satisfied with how this one turned out tho i had a little problem arranging the first half - the rest i relatively left untouched even after i added the rest of the days to the fic. hopefully, does well as a nice end to the fic itself..... tbh, the thought of summer dress alice + casual shirt & pants jonah both barefoot & running around like children in moonlit woods (don’t do this in real life folks) made me smile a lot. give me more soft-and-not-so-tooth-rotting-fluff scenes, cybird
also!!! since the prompt involved a guitar, i had a certain track on repeat lmao - you can listen to it here, and it’s the second to the last track titled umibe ni yurete (swaying in the beach)! (ノ^∇^)
and that’s all that i’ve got today!!! thank you very much for reading + hope you’re staying safe & well wherever you are!!!!（｡≧◇≦）ﾉ
#rundown.txt#u know what else took me so long to decide on this fic#a title + summary LMAOOOO#i wanted the title to be something related to the prompt but.... so much for that orz#i usually have no problems making them up but#why was this a struGGLE LOLOL
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Celebrity Crushing (D.S)
Summary: Y/n’s celebrity crush and recent friend, Dylan O’Brien, strikes a hint of jealousy in her boyfriend, which leads to a heated argument
Warnings? Just some swearing as usual and I didn’t proof read so potential typos
Word Count: 2.1k
A/n: I haven’t written an imagine in literally FOREVER so this is probably actual garbage. Anywho I hope the few of you who are still active enjoy reading this :) I also have to redo the tag list because I forgot who’s on it so let me know if you want to be added!
"Do I look okay?” you asked Daniel when you saw his figure appear in the reflection behind you as you smoothed out the shirt you had just put on.
“Beautiful as always, where are you going?” he asked.
“Didn’t I already tell you?” you asked, being pretty sure you already mentioned your plans, “Dylan invited me over with some people, just a casual hang out.”
“So why do you care about looking good?” Daniel asked, laughing slightly as he rested his head on your shoulder, placing a gentle kiss in the crook of your neck.
“I don’t know, because they’re all like...popular and cooler than me,” you joked, turning around and getting your things ready to be able to go meet everyone.
“Not true, are really cool boyfriends allowed?” he asked, raising his eyebrows at you suggestively.
“I didn’t ask Dyl, but I could if you want me to,” you shrugged.
Daniel felt a tinge of jealousy rise when he heard the nickname you had given to Dylan. He didn’t care that you were friends with other guys, you were super close with all the other band members and had guy friends of your own, but Dylan was different.
He had been your celebrity crush for the longest time. Being a huge fan of Teen Wolf and the Maze Runner series as well, Dylan O’Brien was someone you lowkey fangirled over, and Daniel knew it.
He never had a problem with it, because obviously everyone has celebrity crushes, and Daniel found it almost amusing how you reacted when you saw pictures or watched him on screen.
You had actually met Dylan for the first time a few months back at an event you both ended up being at. After talking there for a while, you both exchanged numbers and became friends.
Obviously you were ecstatic, and thought he was a really awesome person, but Daniel sometimes had different feelings towards the friendship you and Dylan had started.
“Dyl?” Daniel said under his breath, rolling his eyes a little. He noticed you didn’t hear him, and was sort of grateful for that in the moment.
“He says you can come,” you smiled, reaching your arm out to him, waiting for him to take your hand, “we have to go now though, I’m already gonna be late!”
Dylan opened his front door, cheering loudly when he saw you, pulling you into a tight hug, which you happily reciprocated.
“Hey Daniel,” he grinned, pulling Daniel in for a hug as well before stepping away from the doorway, letting you both through into the beautiful house. You admired the art hanging on the walls as you walked down the hall into the living room, where people were already sprawled out on couches, snacks and drinks in hand.
You and Daniel found a spot on the couch after greeting everyone who had already arrived, and picked up on the conversation they were having.
“Y/N I was actually telling them about when we first met and how we became friends and stuff,” Dylan said as he sat on the other side of you.
“Yeah definitely did not expect to actually become friends but I’m happy we did,” you grinned, hitting his side lightly with your elbow, earning a laugh from him in return.
Dylan grabbed the popcorn bowl you had placed on your lap, shoving a handful in his mouth.
“Asshole did I say you could take that?” you challenged. You reached over to grab it back but Dylan pulled it away, leaving it out of reach.
“I didn’t know I needed your permission,” Dylan teased and you reached again, being unable to reach it from where you were sitting.
You climbed over him, slightly sitting on his lap, grabbing the bowl and throwing a few pieces at his face before taking your spot back beside Daniel, who’s eyebrows were furrowed as he watched your interaction beside him.
“You’re such a shit,” you laughed as Dylan tossed a piece of popcorn back at you, a smirk dancing across his face.
Daniel stayed pretty quiet most of the time, and couldn’t help but get upset over you and Dylan. To him, it always seemed like you were teasing each other flirtatiously, and you had so much to say and laughed at everything Dylan said. Daniel felt as if you forgot he was even there sitting next to you, except for the few times he joined in conversations or you turned back to give him a smile.
You, on the other hand, didn’t think anything of it, but noticed after a while that Daniel was being unusually quiet, and he wasn’t often shy in social situations like this one.
“What’s up?” you mumbled to him, making sure no one was able to hear, but everyone else was talking, so you knew there wouldn’t be a problem.
“Nothing,” he shrugged, not really wanting to get into it because he knew it was stupid for him to be upset over something like this.
“I know you, Danny, it’s not nothing,” you sighed, not wanting him to be passive aggressive with you even though that’s the way things usually started out with him.
“We don’t have to talk about it here,” he replied softly, brushing it off.
“Okay, well we’re leaving soon anyway so we can talk about it then,” you told him before your name was called by someone who was bringing up a funny memory, so your focused returned back on the rest of the group, your hand resting on Daniel’s thigh.
The care ride home was basically silent except for the radio that played lowly in the background. Despite it being set to a low volume, the sound consumed the car, when usually that consuming sound would be the conversations between you and Daniel, or your voice singing at the top of your lungs.
You waited until the two of you walked inside to bring it up to him, knowing you couldn’t let this go anymore. Clearly something was bothering him enough to not even speak on the drive home, and you needed to know what it was.
“Daniel, seriously, just tell me what’s wrong,” you told him, trying to hide the hint of annoyance threatening to be heard in your voice.
“I don’t like him,” Daniel muttered as he disappeared into the kitchen to get water.
You followed, sighing to yourself as you asked who he was talking about even though you felt as though you already knew what his answer would be.
And you were right,
“Why don’t you like Dylan? He’s great,” you asked him, not understanding how their encounter went wrong in any way, and it wasn’t Daniel’s first time meeting him either.
“I don’t like how he is with you,” Daniel specified, looking down at his feet as he shifted his weight back and forth.
“What do you mean?” you asked.
“He flirts with you all the time, and not only do you let him, but you do it right back,” he told you, a sense of irritation shining through as he spoke.
Before you could say anything, he continued.
“It’s as if I’m not even there and I’m especially not your boyfriend. Everything he says is SO funny and it’s like ‘oh my god Dylan you’re hilarious let me ruffle your hair or sit on your lap’“ Daniel spat.
“Okay woah,” you stopped him, lifting your hands up to stop him from going further, “you’re being ridiculous right now you know he’s just my friend.”
“Really? Do friends really act like that, Y/n?” Daniel asked, his voice raising slightly, but he wasn’t screaming, he almost never yelled at you, which you were happy about.
“Yes they do, Daniel! I literally act the exact same way with Jonah, Corbyn, Jack and Zach!” you defended, starting to get annoyed at the way he was acting.
“Its different!” he retaliated.
“How, Daniel? Please fucking educate me,” you spat, crossing your arms over your chest as you looked at him, waiting for a proper explanation that was somewhat reasonable.
“Because I know you find him attractive and have been basically in love with him for years!” Daniel said back, throwing his hands up in frustration as he expressed his feelings.
“Oh my god Daniel so what if I had a little celebrity crush on him, would I freak out every single time you spoke to an attractive and sweet celebrity? It’s platonic Daniel you’re being stupid,” you said, trying to remain calm even though you felt your anger rising.
“Oh so I’m stupid?” he asked.
“Yeah, right now you are. You’re being stupid by thinking I’m flirting with Dylan when I’m literally just trying to be friends with someone who I like to hang out with. It’s not that deep, you’re looking so far into every little move and this new possessive shit isn’t a good look on you,” you replied, not wanting to look into his eyes.
“What’s going on?” you heard a familiar voice say from behind you, and you noticed Jonah when you turned around, his eyebrows furrowed as he heard the last part of your conversation.
“Nothing,” you sighed, “I’m going upstairs.”
“Be careful Jonah,” you added, putting your hand on his shoulder and looking back at Daniel, “I might suck your dick because I laugh when you say something funny,” you said sarcastically, scoffing as you walked off, leaving the boys in the kitchen.
“What was that?” Jonah asked, feeling even more confused now than when he first walked in.
“Nothing,” Daniel groaned, “I got mad at her because we went to Dylan’s house and I got jealous.”
“Dude,” Jonah sighed, trying to hide a small laugh from escaping him.
“Go talk to her,” Jonah urged, “don’t be mad over a dude she’s friends with. She’s dating you, man, not him. You aren’t like this with the rest of us when we’re with her, so don’t be that way about him either.”
Daniel took Jonah’s advice and thanked him before jogging upstairs, opening the door a crack to look for you, and saw you lying on your stomach on your bed, head resting on the pillow.
“Can we talk?” Daniel asked as he walked in, “less petty and angry this time.”
“Whatever,” you muttered into your pillow, moving over so Daniel could sit next to you, which he did.
“Look, I’m sorry baby, I know I was stupid,” Daniel started, knowing he needed to give up the fight if he wanted any chance of you forgiving him in the near future.
“I just got upset because he was your celebrity crush and we always made jokes that you would leave me for him if he asked you to. I guess it was more insecurity than jealousy. I don’t hate him, in fact I think he’s awesome, and that makes me worried you’ll stop loving me because you love him,” Daniel confessed, not liking revealing his true feelings to you, but he knew it had to be done.
“Daniel, those are just jokes, you know that,” you started, “you know I would never actually leave you for Dylan O’Brien, he’s amazing, yeah, and I’m really happy I get to build a friendship with him but I would never choose him over you.”
“Really?” Daniel asked. This time the question wasn’t aggressive and challenging, but soft and full of hope.
“Really,” you confirmed, “you’re the one I love, Daniel. Yeah he’s my friend and was my celebrity crush but he’s just a friend, you have nothing to worry about. But you can’t do this every time I see him because I do want to be friends with him and you need to support that.”
“I do, I do support that,” Daniel nodded, “I don’t know I guess watching you guys today got the better of me. You have the right to be friends with whoever you want, don’t listen to your idiot boyfriend.”
“We all doubt ourselves sometimes, Danny, it’s okay. I’m sorry for getting angry too instead of just listening. Let’s not fight about this okay, this isn’t us,” you comforted, reaching out to take his hand into yours.
“Fight over,” he agreed, pressing a kiss to your temple before moving down to your lips. The kiss was full of love and forgiveness, and you knew everything was okay.
“Dylan O’Brien is hot as fuck though you have to admit,” you joked, winking at Daniel before he pushed you, letting a laugh out.
“Honestly, Y/n, I would have to agree.
Tags: @poutyavery @samithepixie @essentialseavey @corbynscabbitch @whydontwe-fanfics (I DID IT!!) @jackaverybabe @ijustreallylovethem @lovableherron @zaddydaniel @blueeyedbesson
#daniel seavey#daniel seavey imagine#daniel seavey x reader#daniel x reader#why don't we#why don't we imagine#why don't we imagines#why don't we fanfic#wdw#wdw imagine#wdw imagines#wdw fanfic#imagine#blurb#fanfic#limelight#corbyn besson#jonah marais#jack avery#zach herron
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Rami x Reader (Short Independent Piece)
Yooooo so this is kind of out of the blue but I watched Buster’s Mal Heart the other night and it really touched a nerve with me - especially the whole ‘I can’t gain traction’ feelings that Jonah is experiencing. Anyway due to that I decided to write a short Rami x Reader piece on Rami’s experience of acting in the film based on how he’s spoken how entrenched he becomes in his characters in the past. I haven’t written in a long time so I’m very out of practice but let me know what you think and let me know what you thought of the film too if you’ve seen it!
You blinked rapidly to chase away the heaviness in your eyes as you leant over and increased the volume of the radio next to you. The car juddered and the engine whined softly as you urged it to go faster down the deserted highway.
You only had 20 miles left but you needed to make it there without falling asleep at the wheel. As you continued north your hands grew numb from the cold as they gripped the steering wheel tightly.
You kept your eyes glued to the pitch-black road with only the beam of your headlight illuminating it – anticipating the thud of a startled deer diving out in front of your bumper.
Fortunately, the road remained quiet but it was enough to set your nerves on edge. Eventually your eyes darted briefly from the road to read a sign – Glacier National Park.
Almost on cue the quality of the tarmac beneath you began to disintegrate and soon your car bounced and shuddered over the frozen rock that must constitute a road in those parts.
Montana was, so far, dark – and freezing. But it was the thought of him that attracted you deeper into this brutish wilderness. You tried to romanticise the fact that you were arriving in the dead of night to be by his side but that did little to quell the worries in the pit of your stomach because something was wrong.
Rami changed when he was on the job. You believed that was what made him so brilliant. But it was taxing to the both of you. Your eyes had barely danced over the script of Buster’s Mal Heart as it remained crumpled in Rami’s palm in the hours he spent pacing your apartment trying to perfect his intonation. You occasionally heard a bark of anger or a sob of anguish and it was then that you realise that this film was no picnic.
You preferred to keep your distance when Rami was filming – opting to check in on him every few days to make sure he was wrapped up but not too wrapped up in the whole process.
His reply messages to you were usually as garbled as his speech and you’d fall asleep with a smile tugging at the corner of your lips following hours of attempting to decipher each little hint and the beginning, middle and ends of stories in no particular order.
This was not the case this time and that is why you were currently travelling down this dark road. The nerves in your stomach coiled and contracted when the cabins where the crew were staying finally came into view. Your last three messages had been ignored and you were beginning to worry that something had happened to him. What if he had walked off into the forest and they couldn’t find him? People less equipped and less knowledgeable died in places like these. No. They would have told you something like that.
You self-consciously held your breath as you approached each cabin, scanning the name on the door. You suddenly felt like a peeping tom, worried that you would have no idea how to explain yourself if someone were to come across you.
Finally you found Rami’s cabin and took a small sharp breath before knocking quietly, noting that there was a dim orange glow inside unlike the other cabins around you.
The door opened after a few moments and your eyes met Rami’s confused face. His eyes widened with surprise and you immediately noticed how bloodshot they were, tinged yellow with what you guessed was exhaustion.
‘Y/N! You’re here.’ Rami hissed in an attempt to quiet himself as he gathered you in his arms, fingers pulling greedily at the material of your coat. You breathed a sigh and buried your face in his neck, the exhaustion of the drive and the relief of seeing him overcoming you.
‘Come in. Please.’ Rami left you no choice in his request as he pulled you inside.
Everything about him was tense and hurried like a man possessed. You looked around the small cabin. There were stacks upon stacks of paper, a small television with a video set up in the corner and Rami’s phone laying on the small kitchenette counter with the screen smashed in.
‘What happened?’ You demanded immediately, not attempting to hide the concern in your voice.
Rami looked very pointedly at the television in the corner and then at the floor. ‘I was – I was just doing some research and I think I dropped it.’
‘What has that got to do with research? And what is all this stuff?’ Rami ran a hand through his hair and his jaw flexed with poorly disguised frustration.
You felt the familiar ebb of hot guilt in your stomach. You – the girlfriend – had invaded his acting bubble. The small space that he made his own.
‘When was the last time you ate?’ You asked aloud to block out your own thoughts. You were angry at him but angrier at yourself for being melodramatic enough to drive all the way to fucking Montana.
‘Something is happening Y/N.’ Rami looked right at you this time and you could see the fear in his eyes.
‘What do you mean?’ The look on his face dissolved your annoyance almost instantly and was replaced with the desire to gather him up away from the cold and the dark.
‘This – this shit.’ Rami gestured around him and took a deep breath as he tried to calm himself. ‘I know you’ll think I’m fucking crazy. And maybe I am. I don’t know.’
‘Rami – tell me what’s wrong.’ You asked slowly as Rami worried at his lower lip with his teeth.
‘I read – I read about Buster - no - Jonah. And I relate to him. How fucked is that?’
‘But isn’t he – ‘
‘Yes he’s fucking crazy. But sometimes I think he’s right. In what he says about the world and stuff. That’s why I started reading.’ Rami gestures to the stack of books that have been abandoned on one of the armchairs.
You move over to them and glance at the titles. Y2K Explained. Understanding the New World Order. What They Don’t Want You to Know. A nervous bubble of laughter threatens to leave your mouth but you manage to resist it.
‘Y2K was 17 years ago I think that’s a little outdated now?’ You ask, trying to keep the tone light.
‘Please don’t patronise me Y/N.’ Rami replies sourly as he runs another hand through his unkempt mop of hair. ‘That was obviously just for the role.’
‘Then why are you –‘
‘Because the world is fucked up! We let the government listen to us through our fucking phones. This is a fact. Money and shopping and credit runs our whole lives now and it’s – it’s deafening.’ Rami crumped and digs the pads of his fingers into his eyes.
You move towards him, tugging gently at his elbow until his back is pressed against your chest. You wrap your arms around his middle and press your cheek to his back.
‘I’m sorry.’ Rami muffles after a few moments. ‘I think I’m quite tired.’
‘I know.’ You reply softly, pressing a kiss to his cotton-laden back. ‘Lay down with me?’
The two of you began following a silent ritual which was testament to your deep understanding of one another. Rami wordlessly undresses whilst you grope your way around the dinghy kitchenette to fix him something to eat.
You play with the hair curling at the base of his neck as he eats, watching the way his sharp jaw bone moved under the skin where you’d kissed and licked and bitten so many times before.
Shortly afterwards the two of you were awkwardly curled up in the single bed provided in the cabin. The mattress was shallow and the springs dug into your back but you didn’t dare move because Rami’s head was perfectly rested on your chest. His eyes were closed but you knew he wasn’t asleep quite yet.
‘I’m not a stranger to the thoughts you’ve been having. Some of the things you said earlier.’
‘I know Y/N –‘
‘But you’re not like Jonah. Jonah was too easily convinced. I think you’re made of stronger stuff.’
Rami exhales a sigh of amusement in response as you play with his hair, silently glad at the fact it was growing longer.
‘It’s not crazy to be disillusioned with the world as it is right now. Some things are completely fucked. I don’t deny that. But there are reasons to keep going too.’ You reassure him.
‘Are you my reason?’ Rami teases, the rough pads of his fingers dancing over your thigh in an action to match the tone of his question.
‘No. You are your reason Rami.’ You smirk in response, moving swiftly to trap him underneath you with your thighs either side of his. ‘Just accept the fact that you’re smart and talented and perfect despite the occasional existential crisis.’
‘Never.’ Rami replies in faux-defiance and presses his lips to yours.
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around june of last year, i decided to revive my writing blog as one of the many potential stress-relief methods i could think of.... i didn’t think i’d be able to keep it active for long since work + family duties keep me preoccupied most of the time, but eyyy!!! so far i haven’t lost the motivation to keep going back to this blog, and i even managed to keep it afloat for half a year!!! amazing!!! (•̀o•́)ง
and now here we are halfway through 2020!!! it’s waaaay overdue but here’s a big T H A N K Y O U V E R Y M U C H ! ! ! to everyone and anyone who dropped by this blog last year + all them likes, comments, reblogs...... please know that i’m still i n c r e d i b l y grateful for the support & interest in the content i’ve posted up!!!! tbh my activity’s still hella sporadic so it’s really amazing for me that i even gained new followers.... i’m very honored to have all of you stick around my blog despite my irregularity!!!!!!!! (༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ)
it’s also overdue, but i slowly managed and finally cleaned up the blog like i’ve been meaning to do + changed the blog name to match my ao3 handle for consistency!!! i make no promises to be super active... but i’m sure that i still want to continue writing & keep this blog alive!!!!
again, thank you all for your time + reading my works!!!!!! ∩( ´∀` )∩ work commentary on the rest of my works last year follows under the cut!
oct 1 // hero’s journey
a drabble on blanc + oliver about the alices... now that i think of it, calling the first alice first alice is kinda funny considering that alice is really her name... or is it?
i do hope blanc’s route talks about her a bit, haha! i mean, i wish cybird remembers that they’ve been dropping the occasional background tidbits about her... like for example, her pocketwatch (that she gave to blanc eventually) having a magic crystal engraved into it.... her potentially leaving a fucking globe in the black army’s possession (like... wow... u fell with that thing????????)....
plus, i just find it interesting that she was remembered by cradle as a heck of a troublemaker lol! it also makes you wonder who among the main cast met her, blanc aside... though it’s not stated when exactly she fell into cradle, so maybe only blanc had the opportunity of meeting her...
so does blanc speak of her fondly bc she’s a woman, or is there something else??? has he been frequently visiting the land of reason pre-game??? has he found the first alice’s antique shop / met her again??? does he still try to figure out the reason why there’s a magic crystal engraved into the first alice’s pocketwatch????? hmmmmm......
on another note, it would be hilarious if cybird pulls a peter pan 2......... since we can’t pull off a mother-daughter relationship like wendy & jane’s, what if alice the second is somehow actually related to the first alice?? and while she’s completely different from her predecessor, blanc finds himself falling for alice the second........ just like he fell for the first alice? drama!
that’s just a random thought but kidding aside, i do hope blanc’s route is hella interesting bc i think he’s our mr. exposition for knowing more about cradle itself lol
oct 1 // fair (?) ladies & phony (?) enchanters
a result of going manic a few days after seeing harr’s trailer + route release.... ahaHAHA I’M STILL WILLING TO PLAY UR ROUTE IN JP HARR (if i actually had time to sit down and translate gET REKT)
i liked writing these drabbles and i think they’re cute but tbh they did nothing to ease my curiosity about harr’s route.... if anything else, it became even w o r s e haha........................
if i think of blanc to have a cradle-centric route, i do hope harr’s route is magic tower-centric! naturally it will be since he’s got history there, but i hope a lot of my questions about the magic tower will be answered.....
will harr’s perspective of the magic tower be in the eyes of a test subject or a disciple???? he was scouted by the magic tower, but it wasn’t stated what he was doing exactly..... going by hints + loki’s & zero’s routes, it’s more of him being a disciple, so there’s bound to be guilt.......
hopefully alice’s characterization in his route is good + we get a fun group dynamic with loki!!! their potential.... the most(?) notorious criminal of cradle, a sought after test subject, and that one girl who nullifies all magic; a renegade trio lurking around the forbidden forest.... what an odd bunch!
oct 4 // god is a five minute hymn
a religious themed fic with lancelot & alice - tbh i don’t even know why religion was the first thing that came into mind when liz and i were talking about cultural differences, lol.
on that note though! i personally like thinking that if ever cradle had a semblance of a religion, it would be polytheistic & nature-centric, and not strictly practiced - the stratocracy of both territories i’d like to think makes it harder for religion to have a voice, much less have one that is practiced by the general population. the only thing general about it is that the religion centers or has magic crystals as an important factor... or something. yeah.
that aside, i think i specifically chose lancelot in this piece for the sole reason that his canonically stated lack of common sense, in my opinion, gives him the curiosity of a child sometimes - there’s no sense of malice or doubt, just the pure innocence of wanting to know something....... religion does that to kids, especially when introduced to it at first.
rereading the fic makes me think of the instances where when faced with dire or unsettling situations, people turn to faith as a life line.... well, i’m not sure if i had that subconsciously in mind when writing alice, but that does give a spin to it....
oct 6 // flow like the river nile
a spontaneous red army-centric fic! it certainly turned out better than i expected... i liked the formatting i used for this one!
if cybird can give us more about the pre-game suitors it would be great, tbh! and while the stuff about them in school is interesting, i’d like to see more about when they assumed their positions + combat scenes! the neutrals are special cases, but knowing more about their living conditions + daily lives is also a treat...
i was thinking of adding one last snippet about lancelot in the eyes of the reds, but i scrapped it out and switched it to alice & lancelot’s conversation about duty - it could’ve worked better if i stuck to using the what is your duty? question, but i scrapped it eventually too. ah well. it does look good enough as it is.
oct 7 // seeking out phantoms
a mandatory(???) odd one out aka content that’s not ikerev, haha! i missed fe:a all of a sudden...
i never got around to writing properly for this fandom tho, what a shame - i’ve got some bits of pieces in my drafts that looked interesting and easy enough to pick up, and this was one of them.
robin investigating more of their plegian heritage could’ve been a good subplot tbh... i still wish there was something like a paralogue or dlc about it, bc honestly the valm arc goes a bit slow until you get to the future past revelations. ah well.
and gaius bc first husband for the win.... not like i actually had the guts to marry anyone else in my other save files lololol
nov 7 // push me off a bridge (to catch me as i fall)
my longest project of 2019, holy shit! i didn’t know i still had it in me to write something past 10k... i need more of that motivation + energy....
there’s nothing much to say about this since i blabbed about everything in the post-reading notes, but as much as i fought myself to get this done, i really enjoyed writing a long fic again! hopefully i can get myself to write another one this year...
nov 18 // beloved, beloved, let me be clear
18 sentences on zero & alice + macross frontier references! man, when i really got to the point about the earrings i was thinking of sheryl a lot....
kept it in sentences cause i didn’t have enough time to put up a decent ficlet! but i really wanted to get my screaming out of my system....... i used to do sentences + three word sentences challenges before, and doing one again was pretty fun!
but really.... zero’s route kept me happy for days???? their buildup + dynamic was something i was totally w e a k for, no joke..... thank gods the collection event was going on, bc i really made good use of my stocked chapter tickets lolol!
i was especially excited come the ball scene, and that cg..... a h a h a.... i need more of those pretty cgs where i can see alice’s face + costume change.......
nov 20 // coloring inside the lines
jonah + alice + makeup!!!! tbh this was really fun, i enjoyed writing this one - if i remember, this was a fic that i managed to continuously work on the day i thought it up!
jonah may not be my best boy but tbh i find writing him very easy - i guess it’s because i’m very fond of characters like him!!! those uptight nobles who are as prideful as hell but can definitely live up to their name + are more capable than their bragging suggests... idk if there’s a general trope name for these doods, but i especially like analyzing their motivations + convictions!!!
i liked how i ended it, but i apparently i made an actual ending that’s now a snippet in my drafts - jonah & alice head to the ball, and somewhere along some bystanders’ flow of conversation someone drops a comment about jonah’s lips looking... quite more luscious than usual, lolol. so t h i r s t y. upon hearing this, alice can’t seem to stop smiling for some reason.....
nov 27 // blue fields, verdant skies
a practice drabble set centric on a ray/alice development that i liked so much i made it into a series - plus, it’s black army content and honestly i need to write more of them! my red army bias is showing whoooooops
it’s a feudal + arranged marriage au, with the latter... being quite spontaneous. it’s those types of marriages where neither have even met - not even once - only to face each other come the wedding... so it’s a given that audiences from both parties are rather curious how this will turn out.
since i had the theme of fate in mind, ray was the automatic pick for the male lead. the rest of the black army is a given and for kicks, i added dean and dalim! i actually want to write about them + mousse, but since i’m still unsure on their characterizations i’ve been holding them off.... but i gave in anyway.....
alice is again named for word count convenience purposes since it’s in actual 100 words aka drabble form! i have planned scenes + an ending already in mind, but going there is pretty hard bc.... i still have to write the scenes in between + resist temptation to expand further on other scenes, haha....
initially i was planning to keep it updated here as well, but any more updates of this are on ao3 instead! the formatting looks better there instead of my blog tbh, and it also gives it a sort of muted tone to the story that works with me!
this is also the 31st fic in this blog, marking an end of the challenge liz bestowed to me lolol - since i brought this blog back to life around june, i was dared that by the end of the year, i should’ve posted more than 15 fics to add up to the initial 15 i had already posted before, thus the numbers on my fics back then.... now that i actually succeeded, i can stop counting lololol!!!! tho hopefully i can still be pretty active this year....
dec 22 // duck, duck, bullet
oliver & fenrir on guns... this probably wins as the most spontaneous idea i had on my head - tbh, i wasn’t even sure where i was going with it at first! but i’m sure i was suddenly thinking about that one detective conan movie.... then it became kid!oliver with a gun.....
i wonder if he tests the bullets at night, when he’s in adult form.... then again, kid!oliver with a gun still works.... say that because he’s a genius inventor, he made some models to serve as his shooting targets.... but another thought that amuses me more is.... blanc does the bullet testing for him!?
lololol i already thought about blanc being oliver’s live target, but i also find blanc with a gun very interesting.......... i mean, blanc certainly doesn’t look like he can fight, but who knows??? i mean, mousse is the former ace of hearts, but i still can’t imagine him fighting..... appearances can be deceiving....
the two aside, i wonder how fenrir even met oliver and got him working on his bullets........ was it through blanc or other connections???? how long have they been seller and buyer???? does anyone else commission anything from oliver?????? hmmmm.....
dec 23 // terms of surrender
i’ve been told by liz + luci + other friends that i needed to practice writing more.... cheesy fluff. i’m not sure if this sirius/alice piece counts, lol. in fact, i think it’s my definition of fluff i see here - and it translates to not exactly fluffy at all!
tho if you want me to be honest about it - when i write suitor/alice stuff, how alice was characterized in the suitor’s route is still my basis for how i’ll write her, and sirius’ alice................ haha......... i think she’s the alice that’s honestly easy to write but i choose to avoid..........
i don’t dislike the sirius/alice dynamic per se, tho. i do find it cute, especially if cybird stops emphasizing the issue of maturity in the relationship on alice’s side. i understand - i really do - that it’s a potential issue in the relationship, but...... that’s not the only problem you can possibly have as time passes, right?????
on another note, it’s funny that only sirius gets to be harped about the maturity due to age difference issue - setting aside blanc, who heavens know how old he is, lancelot’s 29 and since alice is presumed to be around ray + fenrir’s age, you could say that she’s 24 or even 23 to be safe.... so that makes a 5 / 6 years difference but it’s never brought up, lol. but i guess it’s because unlike lancelot, the black army’s been making sirius’ age a running gag....
anyway, this piece is pretty decent! i was thinking of something along the lines of mornings between a “married couple”.... there were two scenarios i had in mind, and i opted to write this one out first.... maybe i’ll have the second one posted up here another day.
dec 28 // a chain of black thrones
pre-game!sirius & ray and bc i was thinking a lot about the previous chosen, the former jack of spades!!! i wonder if the armies have a set age for retirement lolol... it would be awesome if there was still a chosen who’s already past his 50s or something, haha!
since sirius was constantly badgered to take on the role of king, i was also wondering about how long the black army was ‘king-less’... i mean, if the tension between both armies was really as great as they say, having no king puts the black army at a precarious position... i also thought that ‘nah, maybe there was a king or something but maybe the black army didn’t like him or something so they insisted that sirius take it instead’ but sirius’ 1st anniv. epilogue says otherwise - there really was a period that the black army had no king, wow. how the heck did they deal with that???? surely the red army saw this as a display of vulnerability....
can the black army’s chosen choose to leave their posts when they feel like it??? when they’re defeated by a challenger, what happens to them - a demotion, or do they serve under the ‘new’ chosen??? does the black army’s chosen change constantly because of their meritocracy + challenger system??? like, how do they deal with that, and do they announce their changes in chosen each council meeting??? each new question just snowballed my curiosity, whoops...
there were so many angles i thought of but i decided to settle for addressing the king-less state of the black army... through the eyes of a veteran who’s probably served many kings throughout his time of service as part of the black army’s chosen.
i gave this jack of spades character a name, actually - garret folner. maybe someday i’ll write him again, bc i actually enjoyed thinking about the present + past chosen interactions - maybe i’d think about that for the red army, but this time i find the black army’s side more interesting for this situation.
dec 29 // steadfast tin soldier
a zero/alice piece for zeroweek - i was about to post pt. 1 as a standalone, but then i just thought about how.... zero bought alice a gown.... but never got to dance with her at the day of the ball..... so i rushed to add pt. 2 haha!
with the addition of pt. 2 it looks cut short tho - i did think of putting a scene in between, but no good ideas came into mind bc i was too fascinated with the dancing scene... i swear at some point i will find myself writing a fic or a part of a fic that’s a dance scene for the rest of the ikerev suitors + alice....
this is the kind of fluff i live for, actually... i’m totally fine with the steamy content cybird throws during events + bonus stories, but if i were to be honest i say.... where’s my non-sexual intimacy????? the simple, wholesome stuff?????????????????
man, i feel hilarious for typing that out..... but well, i guess it’s a matter of different strokes for different folks, lol!
#rundown.txt#can i spam thank yous???? seriously idk what else to say ahhhh#this! blog! shall! live!!! if i do well enough updating will become a habit!!!#i need better habits than sleeping + working + spring cleaning lololol#aHA i was thinking of changing themes again bc aesTHETIC#there wasn't one that caught my eye tho... plus coding during work... get rekt#but i fooled around with pages instead and colors!!! blue's the color of the year
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