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undercat-overdog · 2 years

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How about some commentary on one of only two tentacley silvergifting fics out there: An Eye more ancient than Arda

For a DVD meme that I’m only answering several weeks late... For this fic, and thank you for the ask! 🐙

It is a travesty that there are only two tentacly silvergifting fics and I am glad to have done my duty in contributing to sg tentacle porn. The tags, which I am proud of, summarize the fic quite well: Established Relationship, xeno I suppose?, Tentacles, eldritch body horror, educational erotic etchings.

I think this has the first lines of fiction I wrote? And while there’s some things I’d change, I also think it holds up quite well, especially in the imagery and the last few lines. (And no one can convince me that Celebrimbor’s not into xeno.)

The first scene, in which Celebrimbor finds Annatar’s educational erotica, was written after the sex itself. I thought the sex was unusual enough to want some actual setup, not just a couple hundred words of it. Annatar’s porn collection to the rescue - it’s my firm headcanon that Annatar bought Arda’s equivalent to the Kama Sutra and other sex manuals as soon as he realized he might have acquired an elf. The picture that draws Celebrimbor’s attention in Annatar’s book of erotic etchings is, of course, The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife. Some tentacle porn in your tentacle porn?

I’d clean up the dialogue a bit in this section were I editing or rewriting, but otherwise make no changes. I did go through at one point and change all the ‘Tyelperinquar’s in the dialogue to ‘Celebrimbor,’ because the two of them are def speaking Sindarin.

He had, at times, seen infinity, or something approaching it, in Annatar's mind – the whirling dance of dark planets, the boiling birth of the universe, non-things no language could describe - I like this. I can’t do math, but I can do astronomical imagery.

“I find myself unaccountably fond of your mind, Tyelpe. I'd rather not destroy it with the sight.” - Annatar is going to need a much better reason than xeno kink to destroy his boyfriend’s mind! (Although Celebrimbor is going to have a terrible metaphysical hangover afterwards.)

Finally, after a sleepless week of work and a solid day of sleep, Celebrimbor grew restless and sought him out - elves who sleep every night for a solid eight hours like humans do makes no sense to me? I’m not certain they have circadian rhythms. If they do, they developed after the sun and moon rose.

The second section is the tentacle porn with an eldritch demi-god. Again, I’d clean up the prose a touch but I really do like the imagery. I also might lean more into the tentacle porn aspect of it, but maybe not. (I don’t think it’s all that porny? Probably still more explicit than mature.)

The imagery I used for Annatar was primarily eyes, wolves, gears, and tentacles, though rereading I went for less consistent imagery than I thought I had, and there’s a lot of “this seems cool and alien.” I’d add in smell were I rewriting this, Annatar at this stage smelling of ozone and petrichor, no need for perfume to conceal the stench yet. How much of that is true to Sauron? He’s associated with eyes and wolves, though not tentacles and is definitely adding them in because his bf’s a monsterfucker, but otherwise it might be Celebrimbor’s brain using imagery to understand something that is entirely unphysical, or Sauron projecting it. I don’t think Annatar is shapeshifting here, more just letting some of his metaphysical self through. At any rate, I wrote all of the blocking/physical actions as entirely possible with Annatar’s normal Elda-like form.

Annatar's torso – was it even a torso? No, more a head, a whirling cloud, ringed with turning gears and wet-furred tentacles, and it was made of a thousand fiery eyes. - Inspired by Biblical angels, of course.

What entered his mouth was not a cock but a tongue, no, a tongue with teeth, now a tentacle, [...] everything was splintering breaking dissolving - I think these two paragraphs are the first lines of fiction I ever wrote? (I snipped a bit, for space.)

Celebrimbor saw with some small bit of Annatar's vision the sound bouncing off the walls of the room, but the waves did not look like waves ought, sinusoidal curves did not move so... - more, just, Annatar is alien. He is in and even of Arda, but he is not made of the same things as Arda. Also I think this bit is cool.

It was – it was – tendrils around him and inside him, perhaps slick, perhaps solid, [...] then there was a palm pressed against his jaw and tentacles in his mouth again, biting at his tongue. - it is sex, after all.

Annatar pressed into his mind as he had his body, and it opened for him as had the flesh. Celebrimbor felt his perception slip: in the air whirled uncolors and impossible fractals. Everything slipped. - Elves totally have telepathic sex! Uncolors: while Sauron has bound himself to Arda and helped make it, he’s still not of it in the way that Celebrimbor is, and there are things about him that cannot be understood by Arda’s natural laws. (Also, fractals - I do think Celebrimbor is a math synesthete as per thearrogantemu’s depiction, but no way can I write it.)

What was inside him was a flame, and his nerves sparked to light, and a pale fire ran under his skin, a conflagration that consumed everything in its path. - I think this is pretty. Also, I never really go into Celebrimbor’s physical reactions or whether or not he gets off, but I think he does. He certainly has a good time. This line is meant to describe sexual pleasure (though on a metaphysical as well as physical level), not Annatar himself. I don’t go for the fanon that he’s a fire maia, however that’s portrayed (I wouldn’t associate him much with fire, rather wolves, vampires, and (especially) eyes).

Celebrimbor could barely move; he felt distant from himself, like his body was not him, but he made himself catch Annatar's hand in his. “I see you,” he murmured. “Thank you.” - Like, what is seen and what is hidden and what is deliberately shown is a cool theme with these two. Also, Annatar was extremely nervous about how Celebrimbor would react, though I highly doubt he admitted it to himself, but is accepted and loved and treasured for what he is <3 (Minus the Sauron part!! But that’s well in the future, they’ll have plenty of kinky sex before then.)

Celebrimbor, Annatar whispered in his thoughts, precious one, my own, and Celebrimbor drifted off to sleep with memories that were not his, of a formless void where dusty stars spun into being with weight and sudden fiery light. - ‘precious’ has become a bit pat to me and I’m now quite a bit leery about using it, though I still do (typically as an adjective and not a vocative. Sauron in Bones uses it to describe Celebrimbor and the Ring both, but more along the lines of ‘it’s precious to me’ or ‘something precious,’ never ‘Tyelpe my precious’ or something like that). But I really love the imagery here.

In his dreams there was an ever-watching eye, and he smiled. - killer end line, if I do say so myself!

#ask #aipilosse #writing #was and will be sporadic on tumblr due to a major family thing #but i plan on taking care of the inbox even if i don't get a chance to check my dash #not that i was active before much #self-indulgence #meme #🐙🐙🦑#i'm always a fan of squid sauron #meta

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padfootagain · 3 years

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The King And You (XII)

Part 12 : Heaven Sometimes

Hi everyone! I'm back with a new chapter for this fic of mine! I know it's been forever since I updated it (and any fic for that matter) but my mental health is not great rn, so I'm struggling a little to write. Now, that being said, here is a new chapter and I hope you will enjoy it :)

Only fluff for this one! Tooth-rooting fluff all over the place! Enjoy ;)

Pairing: Caspian x Reader

Word Count: 2534

The light was perfect. One of the reasons why you loved your flat was the view from your window, down onto the busy streets and, in the distance, the skyscrapers tickling the sky. And this afternoon more than ever before the light that came in from your window was perfect. Yellowish and yet bright. Charged in dust just enough to create rays falling onto glistening rooftops. The sky still blue was starting to turn orange around the edges, a line along the horizon that became golden.

You let out a satisfied sigh as you mixed the pigments and the oil with a brush, studying the painting you had started a couple of hours before. You still had some work to do, but the shapes were beginning to change into what you wanted to represent, the buildings now for the most part recognizable by anyone who would look by your window.

A record was playing in your living room, an old hippie music filled with soft guitar ballads that breathed of sunshine and spoke of love. Soft, calm, sunny. The music felt like the light bathing the city that afternoon. And from time to time, the soft rhythms were disturbed by shuffling sounds coming from the couch behind you.

Caspian was sitting on your sofa, he was reading one of your books he had picked up from your shelf. But he didn't seem very interested in the story, as he spent most of his afternoon watching you.

The way you moved your pencil across the canvas, and the little frown that settled upon your brow as you focused on your task, the hues staining your fingers and your old t-shirt as you made a mess, the way the light danced across your features and changed the colour of your eyes as time ran by… Yes, his view from the sofa was much more interesting to him than the piece of fiction he had selected from your collection. A dreamy smile brightened his features as he studied you, as if he were in a museum admiring an ancient statue. Not only through your beauty was he reminded of the feeling, but by the peaceful feeling that settled across his chest too. This soft and quiet peace of mind and heart that creeps through anyone who looks at a piece of art and can't look away, wondering whose hands had carved the stone to create them, or bathed the brushes in the right hues. There is a ceremonial, almost holy feeling that hovers over art pieces of that kind, a sort of respect that both draws you in and pushes you away from their world. Caspian felt exactly this way as he stared at you, like he had found the piece that moved him to his bones and yet that was unreachable, a kind of beauty he longed for and echoed through his soul, and yet he would never deserve.

You knew he was staring at you, and had it been anyone else, you would have felt extremely uncomfortable if subjected to such scrutiny, but coming from Caspian, it merely brought warmth to your cheeks.

None of you were talking, hadn't uttered a word since lunch over four hours ago, but none of you were bothered by the silence that filled the room. It was a soft kind of silence, the comfortable one that could only appear in a room filled with people in love. Affection sometimes makes even nothingness beautiful.

A few days had passed since your confession in the park, and a few more remained before you would both travel to London, but the journey ahead of you was for now out of your thoughts. For now, all that mattered to both of you was to spend as much time as you could together. To the excitement and happiness that came along a new relationship slowly coming into blossom was added the knowledge that, no matter how happy the two of you were and how right being together felt, Caspian would soon be gone. Your days together being counted, you didn't want to waste away the time you had left together by worrying. Instead, you chose to live your love for him day by day, you would take whatever the wind would blow your way in the end. For now though, you painted the street you had drawn a thousand times before with a new softness showing in every shade you chose and every stroke of the brush that you applied. Love has a way of making art better, after all.

Caspian seemed to have chosen the same path as you, and had not mentioned again the trip to London, nor what would happen there. You were both locked in a bubble that you knew would explode soon, but protected you for now.

Eventually though, Caspian stood up and walked over to your spot in the room, wrapping his arms around your frame to press your back to his chest. He kissed gently the top of your head, before resting his cheek right above your ear. His gesture made you chuckle, a grin appearing across your lips.

"Do you need something? Or are you just being clingy?" you asked with a playful giggle.

"I guess I am clingy," Caspian admitted with a chuckle of his own that made his chest vibrate against you.

"You're a hopeless romantic, that's not surprising," you teased.

"Maybe I am. Or maybe you are turning me into one. Although, I should point out that so far, you have not protested against this part of me in the slightest, and have rather encouraged it, in fact."

"What are you insinuating? That I'm as sappy as you?"

"I'm afraid so, my love."

You hummed contently, forgetting about the subject of the conversation completely as you settled more comfortably into his embrace.

"I like it when you call me like that."

"My love?"

"Hmmm… yeah, I love it."

Caspian chuckled, kissing your temple.

"Who is being a hopeless romantic now, huh?"

"Oh, shut up!"

Caspian tried to fake outrage, but could only smile instead.

You checked your watch, for the first time in this afternoon, realizing at last that time had been flying by faster than you had realized. You heaved a sigh, but put down your brush.

"I'm gonna prepare dinner, what would you like?" you asked Caspian, who tightened his hold on you as a response.

"Wait for a little longer."

"Aren't you hungry? It's quite late."

"Yes, I am. But… If you move away, it will mean that the afternoon is over and… this moment is too nice to end just yet."

You rested your hand on his over your shoulder, intertwining your fingers with his and drawing silly patterns of stars and circles over his knuckles with your thumb.

"You're right. Five more minutes, then."

You closed your eyes, and were quite certain that you had fallen asleep when Caspian moved away from you, although not without placing one last chaste and tender kiss on the side of your head. He walked over to your shelves filled with books, and seemed to be bruising across your collection. You guessed that the one he had picked earlier really wasn't to his taste, and the thought made you chuckle as you shook tenderly your head at him. You left him to his search for a better story to get lost into in favour of preparing a meal, your stomach now painful with hunger. You were almost done when Caspian came to join you in the kitchen, helping you to set up the table.

"Did you find an interesting book?" you asked as you brought the pasta dish you had prepared to your tiny table.

A mischievous and yet saddened smile appeared on Caspian's lips.

"You can say that," he elusively answered.

He was standing by the table, and by now you were used to having him not sit down before you. Some kind of extra-politeness, you guessed. He pulled the chair for you when you walked to your side of the table, and you thanked him with an amused smile while he was sitting down himself.

"Why so mysterious?" you insisted. "What book did you get?"

"Oh… huh… something about… robots? It's some kind of… machine, that… lives? Very strange but… interesting."

You shook your head at him, surprised that he would be curious about something so different from the world he knew. But then, he kept on surprising you a little more every day.

Caspian glanced at the clock up on your yellow wall, that seemed to glimmer in gold as the sun was setting, ending its course beyond the tall buildings of New York City. He heaved a sigh before speaking again.

"I should go back to Agatha's after diner, it will be quite late already by then."

"Oh… you want to go back there?"

Even if you had spent most of your time together for the past few days, Caspian had always spent the night at Agatha's, and you were fine with that. After all, it had been but a few days since your kiss in Central Park, and a few weeks since the two of you had met. And despite your time together being limited, you didn't want to rush into things either. You wanted to take things slow, wanted to simply enjoy the moments you had with him.

And maybe, despite how abundantly clear Caspian had been, there was a little part of you that still held to the hope that maybe all of this was just a misunderstanding, that perhaps Narnia, despite the odds, wasn't real at all. And then, if that was the case, Caspian wouldn't have to leave.

So you wanted to take things slow, but still, things were going so well with him, and there wasn't any denying that your new boyfriend was extremely attractive. And maybe you were ready to do a little bit more than hugging him and talking with him for hours.

Meanwhile, Caspian stared at you with a puzzled expression.

"Well… I hardly have any other place to stay."

"You… you could… stay here," you hesitantly stuttered.

Caspian considered your offer for a moment. He did want to spend more time with you, but your sofa was really too uncomfortable, and he knew he wouldn't be able to get any sleep if he had to settle there for the night. And that was even without mentioning that the knowledge of having you sleeping down the hall would make it impossible for his mind to calm down enough to succumb to slumber.

He offered you a warm smile, a little teasing, with one end of his mouth turned upright and an amused glimmer shining in his brown, almost black eyes.

"Thank you for your offer. I do have to admit that it is tempting, we would spend more time together this way. But – and I hope you don't take this remark badly – your sofa is way too uncomfortable for me to stay there all night."

He was expecting you to laugh, maybe to shyly get a gulp of your water to hide this divine smile of yours. But you didn't. Instead, you were frowning at him, as if you didn't understand what he meant.

"The sofa? Why would you spend the night on the sofa?"

It was his turn to look at you with puzzled eyes.

"Well… where else would I sleep?"

"I meant… I meant to ask you if you wanted to stay the night… with me…"

It's only by the look in your eyes that he finally understood what you truly meant. And his reaction was to fiercely blush, all the way up to the tip of his ears.

"Oh… I… I…"

"It's okay if you don't want to or… if you're not attracted to me or…"

You let your sentence suspended in mid-air to hover over the room. You were all shy now, closing yourself from him, and Caspian could recognize the signs of your uneasiness. Maybe he wasn't reacting to this the way he should…

"I… I can't…"

He took a deep breath, remembering that you were from another world. And so, he adopted a different attitude.

"Is it normal in your world? To… be this… intimate before… marriage?"

You frowned at him again, but seemed to make the same realization too that, despite the two of you getting along so well and understanding each other to such a degree, you were not from the same world, and your two societies worked differently.

"Yeah, it is… not… for you?" you asked back.

"No. No, it isn't."

"Oh…"

"It… it would be… disrespectful if I…"

"I understand. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."

"It's okay. I… I just… I don't know…"

"Caspian, you don't have to justify yourself. I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable."

You seemed to be the one who was uncomfortable then though, and you stood up to clean your plate even if you hadn't finished your dish. Caspian followed suit though, not allowing you to simply drop the subject and flee so easily.

"Y/N… I…"

"It's okay, Caspian. I promise you, it's okay. I just… I guess I feel a little stupid to have offered to take a… a new step when it's not something your people does."

You seemed fragile then, your confidence quite shaken. Caspian heaved a sigh, forcing you to stop cleaning your plate as he took your wet hands in his.

"It is not our way. But I… I want you to know that… I… you are beautiful, Y/N. This is not the problem, here. But I was raised with the idea that being this intimate with a woman one is not married to is disrespectful. And disrespecting you is the last thing I want to do."

You nodded, notably relaxing, and when you looked at him again, there was a spark of mischief shining in your gaze.

"I understand. And I would never want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or disrespectful to you. But… please, tell me your people don't condemn cuddling, because I love your hugs too much to give up on them."

Caspian let out a laugh, although he was blushing fiercely once more. He pulled you closer to him, capturing you in this brown stare of his you had quickly learnt to recognize like home.

"I cannot say that it would be… accepted without a few rumours and judging glances but… I will happily pay that price. To be honest, I could not resist holding you even if I wanted to."

You giggled in the most adorable of ways, hiding your face in his shoulder.

And as he breathed in the scent of your shampoo, sugary and delicate that reminded him of afternoons spent walking through the gardens, with the air filled with the fragrance of wildflowers, Caspian knew that he wouldn't have any rest tonight. How could he waste any minute he could spend with you?

His back would kill him the next day, but a few hours on your uncomfortable sofa were a small price to pay to have a chance to hold you close.

#Caspian #Caspian X #caspian x reader #king caspian #caspian x you #caspian imagine #caspian fanfiction #caspian fanfic #caspian series #narnia #narnia fanfiction #narnia fanfic #narnia imagine #imagine #series #fanfiction #fanfic #writing

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distant-stargirl · 5 years

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Hey my lovelies,

Soooo if you’ve been following my Twitter account (link to which is in the menu bar of my page, please visit it, my beautiful page which I tried so hard to set up for all of you is getting lonely 😢 ) you’d know that I recently went out and bought a LOT of books from Barnes and Noble! Heck yeah! Gosh I absolutely love books and it’s been wayyyy too long since I’ve been at my local B&N store. It’s just so soothing for me to visit it, get myself either tea or hot coco with a pastry sit down and just r e a d. Yeah, I’m a geeky bookworm and I love it. Books, and the occasional manga, are my sustenance and it’s also been too long since I’ve bought some of my favorite books/manga for myself and added to my growing book collection. Also shout-out to the incredibly friendly and chill Barnes and Noble staff who absolutely took all of my queries about where certain books were located in stride and not once were irritated by how often I returned to ask where another one was located. You guys are the best and thank you so crazy much for putting up with me and my stupid queries!!! So let me deconstruct these books, why I bought them for myself, and why they’re my favorite in this PART 1 post:

Boneless Mercies by April Genevieve Tcholke Honestly I know nothing about this book, it just jumped out at me as I was looking for the other books that are in the picture and after reading the flap summary and finding out that it was a dark fantasy novel with its own world and females having magical killing powers I knew this was the book for me and I had to have it so I could read it for myself. Sadly I haven’t read it yet, but it’s definitely sitting high up on my to-read list right now.

Eliza and Her Monsters by Francesca Zappia This Young Adult realistic fictional novel I’ve read before based on a recommendation from a local librarian friend, and once I got past the awkward beginning I just couldn’t put it down and finished the rest in almost one go. The book is about an awkward teen named Eliza Mirk who is an artist/author for a famous online websomic called Monstrous Sea. Whilst she is practically famous and extremely adept at the online sphere she keeps this persona very separate from her real life, thus making her out very awkward in her high school and constantly battles with negative thoughts from her social anxiety. Thankfully all of this changes when she meets a fellow Monstrous Sea fan Wallace who is actually... well nah I’m not gonna spoil it for you guys :P But anyways, I absolutely loved how this book described social anxiety along with the depressive thoughts Eliza faces later on and it really touched me at how accurate and realistically it described them. I knew I had to have this book for myself and today was the day I decided to get it

Kitchen Princess Volume 1 omnibus by Nastumi Ando & Miyuki Kobayashi So some of you may not know but I’m an avid fan of Japanese comics, otherwise known as manga. Well, this is another series that I’ve read before about a girl named Najika who has a special talent of having absolute taste which means that if she tastes something she can almost always recreate the recipe almost perfectly for what it is, if not improve it too! But Najika isn’t too focused on her special talent, what she wants is to find the boy who first inspired her to live by giving her some flan to eat after her parents passed away leaving Najika all by herself. And the only thing she has to go by is a spoon that was included with the flan leading her to the prestigious Seika Academy. The manga follows Najika through her ups and downs at Seika Academy as she discovers and navigates through her inherent cooking/baking talent and secretly searches for the boy that stole her heart so many years ago. So. I am a total sucker for insipid high school romance stories and this was one of the prime ones I’ve read a long time ago. Plus I’ve already read manga with Kobayashi’s artwork and Ando’s storyline and I knew I loved their artist/writer combination so this one wouldn’t disappoint me. Of course this is only 1 of 5 omnibus volumes which contains both volumes 1 & 2 and I can’t wait to slowly collect the rest of the volumes month by month, so excited!

The Ancient Magus’ Bride by Kore Yamazaki Another manga I’ve been wanting to get for a while! So for a while I’ve seen this manga really gaining a huge following over the years to the point that I even saw it being sold at my high school’s Scholastic book fair. Honestly, I wasn’t all about this book back then especially after reading summary of it despite it really being everything I should want in a manga (I was stupidly only focused on those insipid high school romance manga I mentioned before). But the years passed and I once again happened upon it at my local library and thought heck I may as well try it and see where it got me. And boy did it get me. Right from the start I was dragged under with its basic yet fascinating fantasy elements especially with its otherworldly characters and lore behind it all. It had pretty much everything I could ever hope for: an immersive and developing side-world within the real world, unique and magnetic characters, a developing magical lore, and even a small hint and undercurrent of a budding romance between the two main characters. And if my memory serves me right, I believed that the first novel actually was the one that explored the character relations and romance aspect the most so I decided to finally buy it for myself so that I could return to it at any point I wished. plus the first couple volumes had the most magical lore exploration and artwork as well so heck, another reason why I should buy this novel! Aaaaaand finally... last but not least:

Waiting for you by Susanne Colassanti Yeah, yet another insipid high school romance novel by one of my favorite YA authors. What? I love these novels especially the ones that explore the heavy mental disorders and how it feels/is to live with them on a day to day basis. This one features Marissa a teen high school girl that suffers from general anxiety and the depression that stems from it as well. The book is pretty much how she navigates her spiraling family, her search for a boyfriend, and how to support her friend Sterling who is constantly attracted to boys that are well outside her age range. Although I do love this book to absolute bits because of its mental health awareness, I feel like the book is more of a summary of the things Marissa goes through and it doesn’t really emotionally or spiritually connect with the situations that she faces. They kind of fall flat most of the time since a lot of these things are mostly told rather than shown I guess. Shame because this book really faces some serious thoughts about depression and all.

So these are some of the books I’ve been dying to buy for myself and finally decided enough was enough and bought them for myself a few days ago. Of course this isn’t a complete list of all the books I’ve wanted for myself, which i why this is just a PART 1 post as I’m already planning to buy the books which were out of stock at B&N’s today. So definitely tune in and follow me to get a notification about the future post about the other books that I decide to buy for myself and a possible deconstruction behind them as well!!! Thank you for everyone who read this post to the very end, and here’s a kookie as thanks and congrats 🍪<---- kookie!!! I really hope I didn’t bore y’all out of your minds with this deconstruction, and for those who left in the middle of it, I’m really sorry you didn’t decide to stay to the end but I understand that I can be very monotonous at times (damn me and my perfectionist nature!!!).

Anyhow, thank you all my lovelies for reading all of this again, and follow me to keep an eye out for a part 2 of this!!! Good night my lovelies, sweet dreams and as always.... I’ll catch you all on the flip-blog side!

~ Distant-Stargirl out!

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trigafy · 7 years

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In this TEDx talk, Viet speaks about the complexities of coming out as bisexual and the positive and negative reactions that he received from his family and friends. While focusing on a group that is rarely talked about in LGBTQ+ rights, Viet explains how anyone can have a tangible impact on someone’s life by choosing to care.

Viet is a fourth-year Economics student at the Vancouver School of Economics. He’s also a researcher at EqualDex, a database that maps the status of LGBTQ+ rights worldwide.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

If a mad scientist in a white coat came up to you and said he could make you a better woman with a few bits and pieces from the graveyard and the scrapyard, you’d be well within your rights to be a little concerned.

Of course, white coats are so last season, and we men love you just as you are, but if we could redesign you from scratch we can think of a few things that would make you even more amazing. In all fairness, you’d probably like to do the same to us, but for now, it’s our turn. Here are the modifications we’d choose to make if we had a say in creating Woman 2.0:

Behavior

The Current Model

Unless you’ve spent long, long periods studying her, she can be scarily unpredictable. Even if we had a time machine with which we could monitor her behavior, she’d still be unpredictable.

Sure, she goes to work and gym at the same time every day, SMSes her girlfriends like clockwork and calls her mother regularly, yet she surprises us with: Sally’s birthday party (‘Of course I told you we were going’); dinner at her parents’ house (‘You told my mother you couldn’t wait to see her again’), spontaneous tearfulness (‘I’m fine, leave me alone’) and, well, you know the rest.

The New Model

She’ll schedule everything, copy it to our PDA, and be perfectly flexible about moving things around if we need them to be moved. And everything includes everything –

18.15-18.35: complain about what a bitch that Angela from accounts is; 19.00-19.15: tell the story about yelling at that tramp at the gym who doesn’t wipe the equipment when she’s done; 20.00-20.10: express gratitude for being with such a fantastic listener; 20.10-00.00: demonstrate that gratitude with an intriguing new position. (Okay, that last one can be a surprise.)

Expectations

The Current Model

Despite how effortless we may make it look, it’s not that easy being a man. Women’s expectations of us range from easy (‘Come here and make sweet love to me’); to sigh-inducing (‘You promised to take my car to the car wash’); mildly difficult (‘Let’s go for a run’); tough (‘Must you go out with those loser friends of yours?’); and really tough (‘Why can’t you be more like [idiot ex-boyfriend’s name here]?’.

The New Model

As we have not yet mastered The Force (that’s the one where we wave our hand in our girlfriend’s direction and murmur something about wanting her to get us another beer), the next best thing is for her to be highly susceptible to hypnosis.

We’ll teach ourselves this ancient mystical art (there must be a DIY website, right?) and, with a click of our fingers and a few choice keywords, her expectations will be met.

Her: ‘Must you go out with those loser friends of yours tonight?’ Him: ‘You adore my friends. To you, they’re like the cutest puppies in the world. You love puppies. When I snap my fingers, you’ll be filled with happiness when I tell you I’m going out with my friends.’ Her (sighing): ‘I love puppies.’

Talking

The Current Model

She has so much to say, to so many people, so much of the time. She knows many, many words, and she’s not afraid to use her gigantic vocabulary. And when she’s not talking, she’s SMSing. Sometimes she’s talking and SMSing.

Like Dr Frasier Crane, we’re listening. Or, we’re supposed to be. You know how you sometimes tell your man, ‘You’re not listening to me’? He’ll disagree but you know you’re right. He’s not.

Often we’ll be contemplating really important things, such as the future of the global economy, the state of the nation, divisions in the ruling party, the elections, KFC or Nando’s, Lager or Lite, blondes or brunettes or redheads … suffice it to say, it’s a long and important list of manly concerns.

The New Model

She will be as chatty as the current model but she’ll have a highly evolved, telepathic awareness of when we’re mulling over the big issues. She’ll play a key role in addressing our dilemmas (‘Blondes, brunettes or redheads – why not all three? I’ll make some calls’) and quietly use her telepathic powers to time our chats when we’re not occupied with the big questions.

Dating

The Current Model

She’s bored silly with dull pick-up lines and flirting that involves our witty friends expressing their support and encouragement from the next table. She knows her vichyssoise from foie gras and her Pinot Noir from Pino Gris. (Foie gras is bad, apparently, but we try not to eat too many things we can’t pronounce.)

She expects us to know that Spur is not her idea of a fun night out and neither is Dros, regardless of what they claim in their ads. She spends more time than her best friend thinks we’re worth preparing for a night out with us. It’s nothing short of miraculous that humanity didn’t fade away eons ago, leaving talking dogs to run the planet.

The New Model

She’s like Mother Teresa (but alive, hot and sexually active) – she doesn’t discriminate. She’s watched enough bad movies to get those obscure but witty references with which we pepper our conversation; she’s mad about sports but will unhesitatingly defer to our learned, beer-fuelled opinion; her palate is refined but not so much that she doesn’t frequently crave something meaty cooked over open flames.

Fashion

The Current Model

The rent or the Blahniks? To a well-dressed woman, only a feeble-minded man would even consider that anything more than a rhetorical question.

To most men, more than three pairs of shoes is unnecessary (work, weekend and gym; sometimes the latter two are the same); the last suit we bought was for Michael’s wedding and we’ve worn it to work for the past two years, and the Levi’s we bought with our first pay cheque are still in pretty good shape, thanks for asking.

Even if the local Mall is her Manhattan, she firmly believes it’s her right, no, duty, to re-create herself in the image of Carrie Bradshaw, a fictional, middle-aged woman who dresses like a, uh, character from a TV show. (Jack Bauer, Braveheart and those guys from 300 didn’t worry about labels. Neither do we. Grrrr.)

The New Model

She still looks as pretty as a picture but has the good sense to pay the rent first and lust after Manolos later. (Seriously, babe, this is why we have to spend so much time contemplating that global economic crisis.)

Self-Image

The Current Model

Despite her fun, fearless ways, she occasionally manages to surprise us with her insecure and vulnerable side: ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ ‘It’s fant-ass-tic … come to daddy.’ At that point, insecurity is replaced by seething, uncontrollable rage, despite her prior insistence on our complete honesty, regardless of the circumstances.

Similarly, well-meaning and innocent compliments often go awry (‘That shirt makes your boobs look huge. Are you wearing a Wonderbra? Come to daddy’) without us even being aware of the potential for that rather un-sassy, seething, uncontrollable rage.

The New Model

She will utilize her telepathic powers to know that we’re rather fond of her bum/breasts/legs/arms/hair/bits and pieces, even if she’s convinced they’re too big/small/short/thin/fat/hairy/ hairless/dark/light/even/uneven.

Sex

The Current Model

Sassy, sexy and sometimes a little too cocksure, she knows what she likes and how she likes it – and she likes it with real orgasms. Which, hell, is rather a lot of pressure for us.

We’re all for showing a girl a good time. We read those get-fit/quit-smoking/be-the-world’s-greatest-lover articles in those men’s magazines with the pictures of Lee-Anne Liebenberg so we’re pretty good at trying new tricks and not tweaking, tugging, grabbing or groping when we should be stroking, fondling, teasing and tickling.

We’re not gynaecologists, however. We’ve mastered the G-spot but you’re on your own (or with your bi-curious friend from varsity) for the rest of those alphabetized spots we’re convinced the girls are making up to puzzle us.

The New Model

She’s every bit the confident hottie but, to her, our extensive bathroom reading has made us the greatest lover in the world, her bi-curious varsity friend often joins in without any of that post-threesome awkwardness and orgasms always come after just a few satisfying minutes of penetration.

Sandra Prior runs her own bodybuilding website at http://bodybuild.rr.nu.

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