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nebulablakemurphy · 2 years

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All For You (Pt. 8)

Warning: this is a mature series that includes mentions of drug use/overdose, mental illness, explicit language and mentions of sex.

“Big push,” the doctor encourages from the bottom of Y/N’s hospital bed. Elliot kisses the top of the leg he’s holding. Jules and Rue both have a hand.

Y/N bears down, pushing with gritted teeth.

“You got it baby,” Rue whispers, against Y/N’s ear. “It’s all you.”

Finally.

“It’s a girl!” When the tiny baby is placed on Y/N’s chest no one moves. Their muscles tense, frozen in place. The infant begins to wail, sending Jules into motion.

“You ok?” Jules asks Y/N, gently releasing her hand.

“Yeah.” Y/N breathes.

“I’m gonna take her.” Jules whispers, reaching for the newborn.

Y/N nods.

Elliot hesitates, the thought of letting Y/N go, especially now, feels odd to him. Like she just had his baby. Surely he should hold onto her for a minute, make sure she’s ok.

“Go ahead, dad.” Y/N gives him a tired smile, as she nuzzles against Rue.

He lowers Y/N’s limb onto the bed. Swiping a hand over his eyes, which are suddenly wet from looking at the baby in Jules’ arms. She’s perfect. From the moment Jules touched her she hasn’t made a sound. Wide eyes staring out at the world, at her mother, at him.

Elliot wraps his arms around Jules.

“She’s perfect.” The blonde murmurs.

“Just like you.”

Time passes differently after. After labor and birth and her. Lux.

Lux loves to be held, by Y/N, Rue and Elliot. Especially Jules.

They spend the rest of the day together, the four of them and the newest member of their family.

Eventually Rue and Elliot make their exit, to tend Sawyer and Cameron at home. Being apart never gets easier, they just got used to it; knowing they would be together again.

Jules climbs into the hospital bed that night, at Y/N’s request, facing each other at the edges of the twin size mattress.

Suddenly the bed is moving, pushing them both upwards.

“Jules,” Y/N whispers, as not to wake the baby.

“I didn’t touch anything.”

“Jules, your ass is pressing the button.” Y/N can barely get the words out, she’s laughing too hard.

Jules moves in closer, away from the railing with the control panel, slowing maneuvering the bed back down with her finger. “Sorry.”

“It’s all good.” Y/N nuzzles against the pillow. She can’t wait to go home, back to her own bed. Back to Sawyer and Cameron, back to Rue.

“Are you happy?”

Y/N smiles softly, brushing a stand of blonde hair over Jules shoulder. “Yeah. Are you?”

Jules blinks quickly, her chin trembling.

“Don’t cry.” Did she change her mind?

“I’m just so happy.” Jules assures her. Resting her forehead against Y/N’s. “It still doesn’t feel real, you know? Like I actually get to keep her.”

“She’s yours.”

“I’ll never be able to tell you how thankful I am for everything you’ve done.”

“Jules, you don’t need to thank me.”

“I hope she always looks like you. Then I can have a piece of you with me forever.” Jules tears up a bit at this.

Y/N bats at the traitorous tears escaping from her own eyes. “I’m literally across the street. I’m not going anywhere, we just refinanced.”

“I love you so much,” Jules tells her.

“I love you too.”

“Do you think I’ll be good at this?” Being a mom.

“I think you’re gonna be amazing.”

“I hope so.”

“And if you need me, I’ll be there.”

“I’ll always need you.”

“Fuck,” Y/N sniffles. “Enough. I can’t do this with my hormones right now.”

Jules let’s out a quiet laugh. “Sorry.”

———————————————————————

They leave the hospital together. Elliot carrying Lux out in her carseat. Y/N in the wheelchair she doesn’t actually need, but Rue insists she ride to the parking lot. Love is funny that way.

The first night is long. Lux isn’t used to the bassinet, it’s bigger than her cot at the hospital. Jules and Elliot take turns. Y/N and Rue give them their space.

But Y/N wakes to the sound each time anyway. This time, to her surprise, she finds not Jules or Elliot quietly rocking the newborn, but “Rue?”

“She looks just like you.” Rue murmurs. “That’s what Elliot gets for Cameron.”

Y/N huffs a laugh.

“It’s gonna be interesting. A little piece of you just running around out there.”

“It’s all good things, Rue.”

“I know…I love you.”

“I know,” Y/N assures her, “I love you more.”

———————————————————————

Sleepless nights bleed into early mornings. The hustle of their new life joining their old life is difficult at first, but becomes normal.

It’s not until Lux is three months old that Elliot and Jules begin sleeping at their house again. Leaving only the bassinet behind as a reminder of what had been.

It feels wrong the day Elliot comes to collect it. Like finally closing the worn binding of a book held open to a page for too long.

“Are you ok, baby?” He asks, as Y/N holds open the front door for him.

“I’m ok,” Y/N nods, holding the wooden frame harsher than strictly necessary.

“Do you want me to stay with you until Rue gets home?”

“No,” she shakes her head, “go be with your family, Elliot.”

Elliot sets the bassinet down on the front porch, coming to close the distance between them. “You’re my family too.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I love you and I would be here every second if you let me. I understand that we have boundaries, but Jules and I didn’t set them. We respect them, and we’ll continue to do that. But if you need us here, if you need Lux here-”

“I don’t need Lux here.” Y/N whispers. “I love her, but she’s not mine. And I knew that one day I would have to let her go.”

Elliot takes another step forward, “I’m right across the street if you need me.”

“I know, Elliot.” Y/N forces a smile.

He takes a deep breath in, running a hand over his face. Elliot knows Y/N, what she’s about to do. Allow the pent up emotions to hit her like a tidal wave, all alone while the kids are at school and Rue is at work. She won’t cry for help, even if she gets in too deep. She’ll pick up the pieces before anyone even knows.

“Text me later?”

Y/N leans forward, pecking a kiss to his cheek. “Every night and day for the rest of your life.”

“I’ll take it.” He chuckles.

——————————————————————-

“So I guess this is it.” Jules shrugs, standing at the doorway of Elliot’s tiny apartment, that has begun to feel like home.

“But we’ll be back to visit at least once a week and Jules is coming home on semester break.”

“And Christmas.” Rue adds.

“And Christmas,” Jules confirms.

Elliot nods, “I told you guys, I’m good.” And he’s gonna stay that way.

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infernalodie · 11 months

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𝐋𝐈𝐄 || 𝐉𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐕𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐧

“𝘐 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘦 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘐 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯 𝘔𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘸𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯“

Inspo: Ruel - Lie Giveon - Lie Again

Pairing: Jules Vaughn x Black!Male!reader

Summary: A lie would be enough to ease the pain...

Warnings: Angst and more angst

Words: 3364

It was a breath held under the surface of the water. You could keep it for only so long before your chest heaved for oxygen. And eventually, you would have to come back up, gasping to feel the weight in your chest lessen. Judging by the look in her eyes, you could see she was fighting to stay underneath with you, wanting to savour the peace and warmth still able to be offered to her. Hoping to find the focus to hold on a little longer. She wasn’t dying, but its slow absorption of willpower was killing her. And you didn’t want to take any more days from her when she deserved so much more.

“I-I don’t want to keep you from being happy, Jules,” you whispered, fingers fiddling together. The itchiness on the inside of your nose made you aware of the tears blossoming along the brim of your eyes. “And I know I’m not who you want anymore.” Forcing a smile, you looked up at the girl. Tears slipped down your cheeks that were reddened. “But I-I understand. I won’t keep you away from living your life. I’m just happy I got to know you and be called ‘yours’.”

Jules didn’t know if it was the softness of your work cracking or her own heart hating to believe that she’d fallen out of love, but she couldn’t hold back the tears. Her lips begin to tremble, walking toward you and her hands cupping your cheeks.

She wanted to hold you forever and make you forget that this was happening, but she knew that you were smart enough to know that if she said anything else to keep you here, it would be a lie. She would be saving herself from the guilt of a lie that the two of you have been too scared to acknowledge for the past two months. Now, it was meeting the head and there was nothing else that could be done besides admitting there wasn’t much left here to salvage. And Jules hated admitting it, but she was the cause of this.

Every day you tried to make it better than the last. Maybe it was only now you were realizing it was just wasted energy. She’d made you put up with her distance for the last two months and made you think this was your fault.

But you thought that was the case. How couldn’t you when you had planned your life around things the two of you talked about? Making promises that were too good to be true. Moving to a small town to pursue something that could become forever. Or to just seek a better education before looking at NYU and seeing if it was in the cards for the two of you. The speed of plans you had come up with might’ve become too overwhelming for her and it might’ve made her interest in keeping something like that deteriorate into flakes of ash.

So, you had to allow her to go on and you had to accept that living this lie wasn’t going to save you from the loneliness you thought could be cleansed.

Your cold skin in contrast to her warm touch makes you shiver under her hold. Stepping closer, wanting to hold onto this feeling for as long as you could. But you knew the sooner you left, the easier it would be to move on.

So, with a shaky breath, you grabbed her hands and pulled them from your face. “I let you go, honey.” Swallowing the lump in your throat, you felt your bottom lip quiver, sniffling. “Goodbye, Jules.” You spoke with just above a whisper and were gone before Jules had a chance to apologize for the pain she placed on you.

The mornings were as normal as they could get for you. Sun peaking through the cracks of blinds, warming your ebony skin that had a cool layer that developed overnight. The bland smell of your own body odour and the chill of loneliness.

You fucking hated it.

Nothing eventful came from your mornings. Living in an apartment alone with enough open space to house a roommate kinda left more to be desired than you had once believed. But by the time you moved to East Highland, the place was already locked in and you had to live out your lease until you could look for a smaller place in the same complex. Maybe a few floors above and along the edge of the building. Preferably with a balcony so you could stare out at the stars and sleep outside. That would be nice.

You grabbed a yogurt cup from your empty fridge and sat on your bed. Humming at the taste of vanilla replenishes your energy. You got dressed and grab your phone, bookbag, lanyard, and water bottle. Locking the door of your apartment before making your way downstairs. Taking the tedious and mundane stairwell instead of the elevator that seemed to be on the brink of breaking at any moment.

It’d been nearly a year since you moved to East Highland. Moving wasn’t too difficult with the lack of belongings pledged your name of investment. Bringing only a suitcase, a dresser, a bed, one of each utensil, and plastic plates. It was enough for you

“What’s up, buddy?” Rue greeted, squinting under the glow of the sun. “I thought you slept in. I was tempted to break in and steal your fridge.”

“Why just my fridge?” You laughed, turning your head toward the other girl, smiling softly. “Also, hi Gia.”

The neglected girl smiled, giving you a friendly wave as you fiddled with the many keys on your lanyard. “Rough morning?” She asked, tilting her head as she leaned against the side of your Toyota Corolla.

“Uh, I-I guess you could say that.” You shrugged half-heartedly, forcing a smile. “But it’s a bit better with your hoe of a sister now here and you to keep her in line.”

Gia smiled, but Rue flipped your off. “Listen here you a little bottom bitch-!” Rue laughed, pointing at you.

Moving here and making friends wasn’t as difficult as you thought it would’ve been. And honestly, you jumped between groups in your class each day. Sometimes you hung out with the science geeks who made you explore your way of thinking. Then you hung out with Rue which always ended with fucking around during lunch. Lexi, Kat, Cassie, and Maddy were another group that welcomed you.

But it felt odd to have friends when you still felt so alone. Maybe it was because you knew the moment you dropped Rue and Gia off, you wouldn’t be spending any more time with anyone. You would end up sitting in your room on your phone, watching sitcoms, giggling to yourself, playing with your guitar, and smoking weed from your fire escape. And you wished you could say that you got used to the silence but there was a level of inconsistency of enjoyment with being alone.

So, you lied your way through the days and nights. Hoping that if you ignored the truth of reality things might get better. But you knew better. Holding onto something as such was fruitless in the grand scheme of things.

Driving to school, you sat silently as the two sisters blasted music out of the speakers. The sheer volume of the base made your brain rattle. But their presence was enough to bring you hope that the day might go well.

Arriving at school, you locked your car before falling the pair. Bidding Gia farewell as she jogged over to her friends, leaving you and Rue to walk in the direction of the sophomore end of the school.

“What’d I miss the past two days?” You asked, shoving your keys in your pocket, and turning your head toward your friend.

“Oh, I thought you weren’t interested after abandoning me,” Rue teased, flicking your chin. “But it’s the same as last year. We got a test in 2 weeks for Algebra, so I hope you are still smart as you were before the summer.”

She poked your forehead, making you groan, slapping her hand away. “Work offered extra hours and I need the money,” you defended. “I’m sure Principle Hayes will understand if he calls me down.”

The two of you arrived at your guys’ lockers, putting away your belongings and grabbing your needed books. “Well, I met someone at that party I think McKay hosted.”

“Finally gonna get your pussy wet?” You quipped, earning a flick of your ear.

“Nah, man. I wanna get to know her better, you know?” She said. “Her whole aesthetic is right up my alley.”

You hummed. “Well, it sounds like you’re already head over heels for her-”

“Oh, she’s right there.” Rue waved her hand enthusiastically. “Jules!”

You choked on your spit, eyes snapping in the direction that you saw the familiar flow of blonde hair just down the hall. The same ol’ abstract makeup and bright-coloured clothes that made her stand out. She looked older now. Maybe a bit more mature. You couldn’t be quite sure, but she was still beautiful.

But that’s when the questions started appearing in your head like the sight of flashing headlights. Why is she here? When did she get here? Did she even know this was the place you were wanting to move to with her? Or did she come here on purpose?

No. No, no, no, that is just the innocence of your heart still linked to the memory of her. It’s hard to imagine it otherwise, but you knew this wasn’t purposeful. And judging by the shocked look on her face, you were right in your assessment.

Hard to believe that you cried over this girl. You missed her day in and day out since you gave her a chance to grow into who she wanted. But if you’d known she would’ve ended up coming back into your life, you might’ve been selfish and kept her close. Allow yourself to live in a false reality, which in return would be torture for Jules.

It was just too much for you to even have on your mind. Leaving you to back away, brows pinching together as you turned heel and ran in the direction of the front doors. Not daring to meet your ex’s gaze once more.

And it led you driving all the way home with tenseness in your limbs. The faint twitch of anxiety, causes you to groan in aggravation. You were sat in what was supposed to be your living room. Only a piano, coffee table, and a bean bag resemble a relaxing area. A joint rested between your lips as you sat on the soft foam with your eyes closed. Chest rising and falling with an occasional stutter of an exhale, trying to suppress.

You didn’t want to cry over her. Jules didn’t deserve that. Although you love her, she didn’t deserve anything besides growth and your soft, yet, bittersweet exit in her life. If you were in a different universe, perhaps you might be open to the idea of her reentering your life. Maybe even giving the relationship one last try.

But after months of heartbreak and self-acceptance of the truth, you couldn’t do it again. It wasn’t fair to yourself and it wasn’t fair to her when you knew that you still felt things for her. All that would come from the two of you being close is you reliving those feelings and putting Jules in a situation that wouldn’t be beneficial for either of you. So, you needed to find something or do something that could definitively cancel it out completely.

Yet, the sound of your doorbell made you snap up in alarm. Dropping your joint on your sweatpants, causing it to splash ash across your joggers. “Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!” You picked it up, taking one last puff before running to your bedroom. The doorbell rang again. “Yea’, give me a moment!” You tossed the joint out the window, exhaling the cloud before slamming the window shut and jogging to the front door.

Undoing the handle lock, you pulled the door open as far as the latch allowed it. Peeking out carefully to see Jules. You wanted to slam the door and stop there any chance of the two of you interacting. But she saw you before you could decide, smiling faintly.

“Hey.” Her greeting was soft and almost incomplete by the hesitation in her wavering tone.

Nibbling on your bottom lip, you sniffled. “Rue told you where I live, huh?” You knew the answer to the question. Rue was willing to do anything for her friends, so you weren’t surprised she would help Jules. Especially since it wasn’t hard to tell by the way she talked about Jules that she liked her.

Jules chuckled quietly, nodding. You hummed, exhaling softly. “Why’re you here, Jules?” You questioned, straight to the point. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Can I come in?” Jules asked, staring up at you with those enchanting eyes that won you over all those years ago. It was hard to deny her request, with your feelings and all. So, you wordlessly closed the door and undid the latch before opening the door, welcoming her inside.

When she stepped through, she was quick to take in everything. From the lack of furniture to the seemingly sudden chill that filled the apartment, she stepped in. It was hard for her to realize that this was what would’ve been her place as well if she hadn’t been caught up in conflicting thoughts a year ago. But that was all over now. It hurt, but Jules knew she wasn’t allowed to talk or think about the “what if’s”. She did enough thinking when the two of you made promises about your shared futures.

And she knew she was going to have to live with that for the rest of her life.

“Now, answer my questions.” Jules turned around, finding you walking around the island and opening your fridge.

“I just want to tell you that me moving to East Highland wasn’t intentional, alright?” Jules defended. “If I’d known, I would go far away so I wouldn’t hurt you.”

It hurt, honestly. But you kept a neutral expression as you pulled out a beer, using the ring around your middle finger to pry the cap open. Sniffling, you looked up at Jules, a simple and easy look of offer that she accepted with a smile. Taking the beer and taking a sip as you grabbed one of your own.

Leaning against the counter, you quietly sipped your drink. The silence slowly built with the acknowledgement that this reunion was awkward. It was expected. But it didn’t make it any easier for the two of you to try and move around it.

“It isn’t much, but it was all I could fit into the cheapest U-Haul. And it’s not like I have a lot to my name,” you said, chuckling to yourself. The entire idea of moving out of the city was your parents and the school you and Jules had been going to was shit. But it had been your parents that made you decide that you needed to get the fuck out of there before you experienced anything more that could traumatize you. And Jules knew this and was in full support and ready to embark on this unknown path with her father’s backing. He had even been willing to get a place in the same area to be there if anything happened. “But I’ll probably aim to go somewhere else when this year is up. Save up as much as I can before I head out.”

“Where do you plan on going?” Jules questioned, hoisting herself onto the island opposite to you. You shrugged, looking down at your feet. The action was interrupted by Jules placing her foot at the center of your chest. It wasn’t purposeful, but your gaze instinctively ran up the smooth texture of her leg. All the way up to the bottom hem of her skirt gave you a faint peek of what more could be under your warm gaze. And then you finally met her gaze, which was delicate. “Answer me, Y/n.”

Those same old desires slowly rose to the surface, battling with how you wished to be now. You could kick her out. You could save yourself from making a mistake in this situation. You could just ignore it and try to move around the clear intentions of her actions.

“Why’re you ignoring me?” Her question took a few moments to register, but when they did you blinked rapidly and cleared your throat. Moving away just enough to make her foot drop.

“I don’t where I plan on going next,” you said, hoping that your explanation would make her forget the hold she had on you. “It all depends on the costs. I got enough money to support the trips, but it’s securing a place and 3 months' worth of rent. I guess it just depends on where life thinks I should go.”

Jules nodded, humming softly. “Is it also because of me? Is this a sudden decision now knowing I’m here?” She asked, placing her bottle down. Hopping down from the island as she continued. “Or is it because you still feel something toward me?”

“Jules, we can’t do this,” you whispered, swallowing the lump in your throat. She placed her hands on your stomach, running over the ruts of your abs, humming in approval. She always loved your body. Your height, your structure, your ebony skin, your calloused hands, it was all something she missed near her. “Jules, we can’t-”

“Tell me a lie, Y/n,” she muttered, almost making you have to question her to repeat it. “Tell me that we’ll somehow work past our problems and that we’re supposed to be together.”

You couldn’t help the stinging of your nose appears. It felt like you were transported back to that day a year ago. Forced to relive the foul memory burnt into your brain leading to you to wonder what could’ve been done differently. How things might’ve turned out now and/or if you two would’ve lasted long enough after the move to East Highland.

So many futures are left unwritten because of someone’s heart committed to seeing them out. And you’d never blame it on her. The cards were dealt and she held them close, but there would have to be a time she played them. It just turns out that the order she played them left you discouraged to continue.

You weren’t vital to her anymore. Well, not like you used to be. Things were different now and as much as you’d like just cradle her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear, it wouldn’t be right. You’d be lying to her and yourself. And ever since she left you, you’ve left no opening for anyone to get close like she once did. She was your last and only true picture of love and you didn’t want to take that picture out of the frame. So, you’d store it away in the back of your mind to never be touched but to be remembered as to why you would allow your heart to sit idle. Waiting to find the person that made it skip a beat.

But that fulfillment felt farther and farther each day. It’s once prestigious idolization you made in your head, now a mere hollow husk of disappointment.

Much like she had done that day, your hands cradled her face gently. Your eyes take in each defining feature and cherish it. Willing to die gratefully with the knowledge that she was the last person and only person to ever be yours.

So, you smiled. One of sorrow and regret. “Lying to you would be the last thing you deserve, Jules,” you whispered, making the girl whimper, eyes clamping shut. You felt your lips wobble, pulling the girl into your chest where you pressed a kiss to her head. “We were doomed from the start, honey.”

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