on the one side i think its good that i dont stress myself out too much for exams, especially if i fail. on the other hand, maybe ive normalized failing exams a bit too much, personally.

i am so deep in my feelings right now, i both sad and mad enough that i cannot sleep

The boy in the Manor

Chapter 1: Prolouge

Warnings: Yandere, Implied forced relationship, threats, (if I missed anything let me know).

You have known Ajax since you were young. He was two years older than you, but you both had always been playmates. Your family's were friends so many nights at each other's manors. Yes, you guys lived in manors but they weren't as big as others. Just big for Snezhnaya. But it was a nice childhood anyways.

It was another night over at Ajax's family's manor and you, your mom, your dad, Ajax and his parents, and his three little sibblings sitting around. He was now 14, and you were 12. It was a simple dinner nothing crazy, untill it was brought up that Ajax was going to train with the fatui fora few years, leaving in a week. The table was quiet for a moment, but then cheers went through the room. In Snezhnaya, Fatui are highly respected and they get a lot of military advantage. There were happy cheers for Ajax but also Bittersweet tears as well. The rest of the dinner got finished and it was a good night.

Just as you were about to leave, Tuecer asked you to help him with something. And how could you say no to his cute little face? "Oh, ive gotta go to the bathroom, just go to my room!" He then ran off that's when you found out you didn't know where his room even was. You hated snooping around but you opened doors trying to find his room. On the 3rd attempt, you seemed to open a closet. It was dark but you walked in. You flicked the light on and then you could see it clear. There were dead things in here. Clearly a vision was used. Dead animals, but thank God their was no humans. As you were about to leave you felt hands on your back pushing you back in, just as you turned around to scream a hand was clampped onto your mouth. You could see who it was, Ajax. "Now your not gonna tell on me, are you?" He said with a laugh. You were trying to talk but it was muffled due to his hand on your mouth. As you tried to scream, he slapped you. "Be quiet. Geuss I might as well spill everything."

"So, I'm leaving as you know. But, when I come back you are gonna marry me. I'll be gone for 4 years, so during that time do what ever you want. Have your unlimited freedom. But when I return, you are to be my wife and listen to my rules. And if you don't then I'll have to take matters into my own hands. I want a big family you know," he says as his eyes traveled down your shirt and his hands traveled to your neck. Then he made eye contact back with you and his hands went back to your mouth. "By the way if you tell anyone about this, I have people on call to hurt the ones you love. His hands leave your mouth and he starts to leave the closet, "Bye y/n."

A week later you were on the front lawn of Ajax Family's manor. A fancy carriage ready to take him away. You all did your hugs and when he got to you, he whisperd in your ear, "Don't forget when I told you." The whole situation was all you could think about, even as the carriage got smaller and smaller into the distance.

So I actually have a separate hymen and want to talk a little about it and ask a question.

I first started my period at 12, and that was no big deal. It was always spaced out by about 6 months. But when I started synchronized swimming and water polo, it became a problem. I had tried to use tampons, but my body just wouldn't let me. My mom kept telling me I must've been too tensed up. Finally, when I was 15, I was able to use one so I could go to a pool party.

Party ended, I got home, tried to change the tampon...

And I couldn't.

I kept trying to remove it, but it felt like it was caught on something. So my mom and I went to the ER and the lady who helped me was very kind and suggested I use sports tampons due to how they absorb and open up.

A few other instances of things feeling like they got "hooked" on something and finally feeling around, I realized there was that extra tissue there.

Even with tampons that don't unfurl like a massive block of cotton, it still hurts and takes me a few tries to remove tampons, but the problem is that I'm terrified of surgery. I know it would improve my quality of life in regards to menstruation, but I don't know how to broach the topic with family (fyi I am an adult, but still live with my parents and I am unable to drive) or my doctor.

Do you have any advice on how to bring it up and what to expect/how to not be so nervous?

Also, apologies for the long ask!

Hi Anon!

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us!

I will share one with you: I also had a septate hymen, and I know exactly what you're talking about with the pain of tampon use. I lived with it for years - even managing to have sex around it, until one day it finally snapped, causing a lot of bleeding and pain. The result was a lot of scar tissue, that caused painful intercourse for years. All of which I thought was completely normal, because no one ever told me otherwise. When I finally had the procedure (called a "hymenotomy") to remove the extra tissue, it changed my life.

Because I had that experience, I can also tell you what will happen with a hymenotomy. I hope reading this will help ease your anxiety:

You'll go to the facility where your doctor performs procedures (may be a hospital, outpatient clinic, or surgical center). You'll be asked to put on a gown and sit on a gurney. They'll probably cover you in warm blankets. A nurse will give you an IV. Then, they will either wheel or walk you down to the procedure room. You'll be asked to sit on a high table, and probably to scoot your bottom close to the edge. Your doctor will be there, as well as an anesthetist and a nurse. They will put a mask over your face, and have you count back from 10. You'll get to about 8 or 7 before you get SO TIRED you fall quickly into the best sleep you've ever had. When you wake up, it will be like no time passed, and it will be done. The postprocedure discomfort is pretty mild and can be handled with Tylenol. You may have a couple of stitches, which will either dissolve on their own, or may be the kind the doctor will remove at a follow-up to check your healing. And then you'll never have to worry about snagging tampons ever again!

---

Now, Anon, how to bring it up?

Do you currently see a gynecologic healthcare provider? If not, that's where you need to start. As an adult with a vagina, you should regularly see one for well-woman care and screenings. If you need your parents' help finding one, you don't need to share any information beyond "current best practice guidelines state that I should be receiving gynecologic care and I would like to do so." You're entitled to medical confidentiality, even from parents, even from parents you live with and whose insurance you are on, and who drive you places.

Once you've gotten an appointment with a gynecologic provider, I think you'll find the topic can come up quite naturally. The provider will ask if you have any concerns you want to discuss. You will want to tell a provider about your issues with an obstruction before they perform any kind of exam - and it should be visually obvious to a provider as well. (The provider will always look before touching, and warn you every step of the way). The provider will then have a conversation with you about your options, and give you the information you need to make a decision. She should also be able to help you decide how much you need or want to explain to your parents.

I hope this was helpful to you, and maybe ameliorated a tiny bit of your anxiety. The unknown is so much scarier than the real thing!

so idk why I keep putting posts here about it but idk how to bring it up in any other setting

my dad got checked into the hospital about two weeks ago after a fall, with additional complications from alcoholism as they realized he had fallen after having 800% the driving alcohol limit in his blood test. after which they determined his liver is absolutely fucked and dying and a bunch of other shit too. he didn't just Fall, he fell which made them realize he was in a near deadly body shutdown

a year ago he almost had a heart attack also related to this and he lied to my mom about quitting and started drinking again.

ive had a bad relationship with him for a long time and I've always known he's an alcoholic, but apparently he's been drinking at least a 24 pack of beer a day +hard liquor my mom can't keep track of. and that's just been happening for who knows how long now. he drives around (presumably not sober) in the morning when my mom's asleep to go buy more in secret.

they are putting him through detox and now he's in a "rehab facility" which I believe is mostly an assisted temporary living place for his injuries/health stuff. when it first happened my mom said they were going to make sure he got into alcoholism classes or counseling or Something to help, and he agreed to it, but now that he's in the facility he's saying he wants to go home and I'm 99% sure he's going to ignore any advice he agreed to before

or maybe he won't and he'll get better. which is great. but idk my bad relationship isn't just bc of the drinking it's bc of years of shitty behavior, verbal abuse, and other stuff. so like my mom's asking me to come see him and coddle him and be nice and I'm like. why the fuck should I, my brother already does and pretends he doesn't know about all the bad stuff and enables all of this behavior.

i finally said like yea ill come see him to tell him how I feel about this, and if he's promising to get sober then maybe I'll visit more. but now my mom is lording this over me to make me come and celebrate my fucking birthday with them in the hospital and when I tried to say that sounded awful she got super manipulative and crazy at me

and idk there's a bunch of other shit involved that I don't want to get into here but no matter how many boundaries I try to set or whatever my mom just calls back and pretends to be surprised when I'm not happy that she's pressuring me to do the thing I said no to already

I told her I wanted to tell him the next time I see him that I'm not gonna keep visiting him if he ever drinks again. I don't want to watch him die in front of me and I don't want to become his full caretaker, like he's trying to do to my brother who apparently gets calls at 2am a few times a year now bc my dad fell drunk in the night and couldn't get up. and apparently he's just been DOING that and no one's been drawing any lines or getting him help or telling him to stop or anything. they just keep saying "you know how he is" and I'm like. I fucking do which is why I refuse to come to christmas with him anymore, it's why I hate being around the family, it's why I have disorders

but now they're using my literal birthday as ??? bait to manipulate me, bc apparently MY birthday is about MY PARENTS because they CELEBRATE HAVING ME and I'm a fucking TERRIBLE PERSON if I say I don't want to fucking open presents and pretend to smile and laugh and eat cake in front of them while my dad refuses to address the fact that he almost killed himself 2 weeks ago

Another thing.

Sorry a bit of a rant or something

Seems like no matter what neither of us can ever make him happy nor my mom. They both are disappointed in me mainly since I came out to them. My dad will yell at us for little things as well as my mom but they usually defend my siblings when they do something bad like breaking something or them blaming me for something I didn't do. I normally dont talk to them since I have to be careful with what I say since he will tell me that Im too weird, question whom im with and talk to an other things. Im am scared of my parents and they dont trust any authority figure, police men/women, doctors, dentist, teachers etc.

Since I like to draw, they find it really weird since they dont like what I draw and it's nothing that bad (in my opinion). They hate who I talk to (they aren't bad at all just they like games comics costplays things like that) and most of all anyone who's LGBTQ+. They hate it. I know I was an accident but they kept me since their parents made them and then they wanted more and they were better off with them. I still remember when my mom slammed my head into the table because she was mad with my hair and when she cut my back. I tried to please them as much as I could and I still do, Im a people pleaser and my friends get me in trouble because it. Im told that im ugly, a fag, stupid, fat, overweight, and that no one would want me and it does hurt. I tried to commit (if you know what I mean by that. the bad one) before but it didn't work so I played it off. I was taught that you couldn't cry for much and if you did you were considered weak. If it wants a funeral or something of that nature then it was stupid for you to cry. They will make fun of you and say it to your face. They also aren't afraid of the authorities. I was taught that you can never trust and authority figure and to be on the look out of them. I still do and my friends brought it up and I had to tell them. With the police constantly having to deal with both sides of the families problems. Ive grown a fear to them why most times I dont ask an adult for help. There was something that happened where a person wanted to do acts on me and I was uncomfortable with it and I did tell an authority figure but my dad told me that I was stupid for doing that and when the security tried to talk to me I walked away. I cant talk to councilors at all now. Therapy is also deemed worthless and a waste to them as well even though it has been recommended but they won't do it. I dont think I will be accepted in my family and those who have came out to them in my family have "disappeared" because they feel uncomfortable around them knowing they hate that. I feel like that as well so I have no idea what to say to any of them. This is why I roleplay so much to get away from it. It's comforting to me. And it also goes why im scared to talk to people like foxalone, nova2cosmos and their friends since I feel like the dont like me from what my family has said to me. Like them, they are awesome and talented creators and I admire them but my family criticize me for liking art and for saying how I feel. I know that my family doesnt like the little things I do and so I think that everyone hates it so thats why I get nervous to talk to any of them or tag them. (also why I say sorry in some since I think im bother them) Im really sorry about this and I know not really anyone will read this far but if you did then thank you and sorry again. If this is stupid for you then I can see why so yeah. Just wanted to say this. Im really only living for my friends and my love. So again im sorry for this rant or vent or whatever you call it. Thank you.

Anon wrote: I study in a different country to where we live, so my family and I go months without seeing each other sometimes. But for some reason I never miss them. When I get back, they understandably are curious to know lots of stuff, but their questions make me feel uncomfortable, and it doesn’t have to do with the questions themselves. It seems that I don’t feel comfortable sharing myself with my family.

At this point my mom has even mentioned that she’s not sure she knows who I am anymore. Whenever she brings up the way our relationship has come to be, it makes me really sad as well. (Note: my close family is just my mom and grandma, I have an aunt and two cousins that are pretty close as well, and that’s it). It started being like this when I was 13 or 14, and it’s gotten worse and worse. It feels like I don’t love my family. Even though they’ve been endlessly kind to me.

13/14 is the same time I started to feel depressed, and until now Ive only had brief moments of alleviation, when Im distracted from it by socialising or doing a fun activity. I don’t know if one is the cause of the other, or if they have some common cause or are completely unrelated. Maybe the depression isn’t related, since I have great relationships with my friends, and I don’t see why the depression would discriminate between friends and family in terms of how I am with them. During university there were several times that I had nightmares involving my mom and her bad temper.

She was a strict parent but had reasonable boundaries but would explode sometimes and looking back those were emotionally torturous moments. She moved on from them really quickly and was able to make a joke and change conversation soon after, whereas I can’t do that. Maybe I haven’t been able to move on from any of them and this is the result. The nightmares probably mean I have some resentment, right? I feel I shouldn’t have any resentment because she really loves me and her goal is my happiness, and she has made the impossible possible for me.

On the other hand, perhaps her anger and my unconscious resentment is a completely separate issue, since my grandma is probably one of the most kind and selfless people and has never been bad to me, and yet I feel the same with her – I feel uncomfortable sharing myself, I get irritated by them too easily but try not to show anything. And reading this back makes me disgusted with myself. I feel uncomfortable talking to them, hugging them, even smiling at them. For some reason Im better with my aunt and cousins in this regard, but Im not at all like this with my friends.

Maybe Im so knee deep that I’m scared of my family’s happiness if I were to actually change my behaviour at this point. Recently my mom asked me whether I would tell her any secret/problem of mine. She wasn’t asking me to share one, just asking if I would. She said she never told her parents about her problems because she doesn’t get along with her dad, and her mom would just tend to dismiss her feelings, though with good intentions. My mom said she deeply hopes that I would share. I thought about it and concluded that I wouldn’t. Even though she’s the wisest person I know and would be the best at helping me with any problem, I wouldn’t, and I don’t know why. I didn’t tell her this because I don’t want to hurt her. Like I literally cannot remember the last time I smiled at her.

For 19 years I never once thought about my emotions or tried understanding them, I would just ignore them with other activities and they disappeared. Now with more and more problems coming in, and more serious problems, Im trying to teach myself how to be aware of and understand my emotions. I wish I had a good relationship with my mom and I don’t know how to fix it because I don’t know why it all went wrong.

I've been depressed without break for 5 years and with emotional problems all of a sudden appearing in the past half year I recently feel suicidal. Of course my mom knows none of it, and the one reason I haven’t done anything to myself is because she loves me a lot and she would blame herself for the rest of her life. So even my emergency exit is blocked off. What on earth is my issue? You owe me nothing. Thank you sincerely.

--------------------

When depression is serious enough to produce suicidal ideation, I very strongly recommend getting professional help. You seem to continually underplay the severity of the problem. Denial only makes the situation worse by allowing mental health problems to fester and worsen over time.

You say you aren't very in touch with your feelings and you tend to ignore them or brush them off. It's actually worse than that because you actively avoid and suppress negative feelings and emotions. Do you know what happens when you do that? You numb yourself and then also lose the ability to feel positive feelings and emotions. Depression is the absence of the positive, is it not? It sounds like one of the first things you need to do is improve your emotional intelligence, consult past posts and recommended books on the resources page.

If you don't mention your type, then my ability to help you is quite curtailed. One deeper reason people get depressed is they get stuck in a rut, existentially. Another way to put it is that they've stopped growing and maturing. I believe this is a relevant factor in your case because you are an adult but still think and behave like a child.

Only you know the reason why you mentally got stuck at the age of 13. For some people, something traumatic happens to them and they can't get past the pain of it, so it halts their growth. For some people, they experience repeated failures and become helpless or destructive, and their dysfunction halts their growth. For some people, it isn't any event that triggered them but a general resistance to change. They get stuck in one very narrow perspective and their mind completely closes to alternative possibilities. Each time the world sends them signs about how their way of seeing things is flawed/wrong, they close up more and more, and they eventually live life as though trapped in a cage of their own making.

Human beings have a natural inclination toward movement and progress - to learn, grow, and evolve. When you stop learning, you stop growing. You've been static for five years. Whatever the reason behind it, understand that resisting the natural inclination to realize your personal potential keeps your mind stuck in the past. The best way out is to make a conscious choice to drop the resistance and embrace the change that would take you to a better place in life.

As I mentioned in a previous post, there are many factors that may contribute to a negative attitude toward change, for example:

fear of loss (of something familiar/valuable)

fear of losing safety or stability

fear of losing control (and facing unpredictability)

fear of losing oneself, one’s identity, or one’s freedom

desiring the gains/benefits of unhealthy behavior

low self-esteem

toxic shame

fear of failure

fear of success

pessimism

unrealistic expectations

low frustration tolerance (fear of pain)

lack of resources for coping with the stress of change

lack of knowledge, skill, or competency (regarding how)

What many people don't understand is that the negative things in life are the secret doors to growth. When you avoid the things that trigger your emotional defense mechanisms and run from the situations that seriously challenge you to change your attitude/approach, you will feel bad about yourself. The longer you do it, the more self-esteem you lose, until you eventually feel worthless and, as you say, "disgusted" with yourself.

Negative feelings and emotions serve an important purpose in urging you forward in life, and the more you don't listen to them, the louder they get, until they eventually mutate into a full-blown mood disorder like anxiety or depression. The emotional system is part of your survival instinct as a human being. Negative feelings and emotions are there to prompt action. To fail to act is to fail to survive, to fail to live.

But when you're brave enough to face up to the things that make you uncomfortable, the process of meeting the challenge will reveal new aspects of yourself and you'll have more opportunities to learn about what it means to live life well. Do you care about your potential? Do you care about living life better? Or do you want to stay the same your whole life? You've tried the latter, how is it working out for you? When your life strategy isn't working, it's time for something new, is it not?

There is certainly a big difference between family and friends. Family relationships have far greater potential for intimacy and, on the flip side, far greater potential to hurt. The fact that you feel so conflicted about them reveals the depth of your care and love for them, yet you don't want to express any of it. Friends come and go throughout life, but familial love is a foundational aspect of your existence, a part of your identity. Denying it means denying an important part of yourself, like locking part of yourself away to wither and die. Until you confront this family conflict and reconcile your feelings about it, you'll keep feeling fragmented and stuck in life. Whether you decide to love them or leave them, commit to a decision so that you can finally get on with your life.

On the surface, this situation with your family likely indicates that you have a fear of vulnerability, but there could be other fears mixed in beneath it as well. You have yet to realize that confronting the fear and working through it allows you to learn how to be a more capable person and how to live your life better. Your life is in your hands. You are choosing to keep yourself closed off. You can choose to open the door at any time. Feeling fear, anxiety, or pain is not the end of the world. In fact, without opening yourself up to those negative feelings, you'll never truly understand what it means to experience positive feelings like happiness, fulfillment, and love.

Sorry I am a Christian (not a good one) and I do have religious trauma, church in gen kind of burns me out and I cant stand but I still believe and its all about God loving and love and all

My parents are pastors and are huge advocates for therapy. My mom has pointed out how people in the Bible suffered from mental health and how it isnt a new thing, how it isnt just "the state of the world now" or "a phase", but how people needed help back then even. Yeah, sure they turned to God like we should, BUT THEY NEEDED THERAPY. People have told my mom "uh but they should pray more and God can take the feelings away he's all powerful he created everything" and my mom deadass looks them in the eye and says "yeah sure they can pray more so can you and I. Since God is all powerful there must have been a reason he created therapy, because we need it."

My mom is probably the best example of a Christian I've ever seen irl, she loves and advocates for love and mental health.

I dont understand people sometimes like esp Christians who are against therapy and advocating for mental health. If it helps you and heals you???? Why not?????

You can delete this if you want, idc, I just really can't stand when "christians" do that. As someone who claims to be a Christian, I am sorry.

i completely agree. therapy is so important. it’s okay to ask for help. i grew up baptist and for so long the mindset was like “just pray the mental health issues away!” it’s such an archaic, harmful way of thinking. thankfully, since we have a new pastor with new, more progressive ideas, my church is becoming a lot more open to mental health issues and how to get help for them. which is great. but older church members, my parents included, are still of the mindset that you just need to pray more! god will help you! like okay? i’ve tried that. ive tried to seek god through my rock bottom moments and depressive episodes and it simply wasn’t enough.

i thought something was wrong with me. especially when i was going through some incredibly traumatic events and tried to seek god and felt alone. so i decided to see a therapist. and that was when i realized it’s okay to ask for help. god and the bible aren’t automatic fix-it’s for mental health problems. seeing a therapist isn’t shameful or wrong or admitting you think god can’t help you. if i so choose, i can maintain a relationship with god while also seeking outside help for my mental health. i haven’t been able to go to another therapist for a while bc of other circumstances, but it was an immense help to me when i was able to, and i would never tell anyone “oh just trust god and you’ll be fine! read the bible!” because that’s just not realistic. some people need professional help rather than religion.

Wisdom teeth story

I was 17. I had to get put all the way under bc mine were impacted (sideways) and I also had to get all four of them taken out at once. I was put into a room with a wild looking dentist chair looking thing. One doctor came in and I mentioned feeling anxious. She asked me if I wanted laughing gas and my dumb ass asked, "will that cost my parents extra?" like it was the fucking scholastic book fair. She was like "no wtf" and I was like "cool let's do it then." So at some point some other people come in and they put this plastic thing on my face. It covers my mouth and nose and blocks my view of pretty much everything. They turn the shit on and man. That was an experience. It made my hands and feet feel weird and tingly. I didn't actually feel any calmer, but I could hear my heart monitor slowing down. It was trippy af, but cool. I wasn't uncomfortable or anything. So the anesthesiologist comes by and sprays something that he called "cold spray" on my arm over my brachial artery. It served both as an antiseptic and a numbing agent if I recall correctly. He puts an IV in me at some point, but I can't feel it or see what he's doing. I remember saying that I was thirsty and he was like "oh, this will help with that." I guess he was flushing it with saline first. But then it was night night juice time. He says, "You might start to feel a bit woozy." I look up to the ceiling and say, "Yeah, I sure do feel a bit woozy."

The next thing I remember after that was me sitting in a different room, in a different chair, laughing hysterically and pointing at my mom who was literally just sitting there. I don't remember waking up from surgery or walking to the recovery room, but they did mention afterwards that it took me about 5 minutes longer to wake up than it should have and they didn't like that.

But anyways, a nurse walked me out with my mom because she has a physical disability and wouldn't be able to do much if I stumbled. I still almost fell. But anyways I got in the passenger's seat and my mom drove us to the pharmacy. She told me very firmly to stay put and not to touch anything. I kept waving at her the entire five to ten minutes she was inside the pharmacy. There were big windows, so she could see me the whole time. She looked nervous as hell. So she came back to the car with my meds and made me take them. Then she went through the McDonald's drive thru and got me a large chocolate milkshake bc I couldn't eat solid foods yet. We got home and she tried to spoon feed me the milkshake except I couldn't feel my mouth so I literally could not tell when the spoon was in my mouth. Messes happened. I probably only got through a third of that shake. At that point she told me to go take a nap. Now, I am not a person who takes naps. I wouldn't even take naps when I was a toddler. But my ass slept that entire afternoon and finished the milkshake for dinner.

omg i can only imagine getting laughing gas for that instead and man your poor mom, i can totally understand her nervousness and concern during all of that, she was probably like "hurry up, hurry up, hurry uuuuuup" at the pharmacy lol, we were able to go through a drive-thru with mine

Tw mentions of suicide, self harm, eating disorders, csa, not detailed and all brief, but mentioned all the same. This ended up longer than anticipated and I'm sorry for that.

Nickname: oak

Lately I've been wondering if I...I don't expect too much out of life. Specifically Ive been trying to unravel my childhood and teen years lately. A lot of things I know weren't okay. As much as I tell myself I deserved it and blame myself sometimes, logically I know some stuff just was not right, but some other things Im confused about. I guess I just don't know what...what is the baseline parents and parental figures should meet if they're able to?

Sorry for rambling. Anyway, lately, I've been thinking that other things my parents might have handled my health poorly, especially my mental health. For the most part they took care of my physical health. At the very least I got taken to the doctor when sick, though I guess leading into the rest I should mention that when I got an infection in...in a sensitive place as a kid after being assaulted, my mom did take me to the doctor, but she never actually let him talk to or examine me. She said that since she was a nurse she knew what it was and what medicine I needed, and that it was just from soap so he could just skip to a prescription. Maybe she was trying to protect me, or she actually believed it, but sometimes I wonder whether or not I would have talked about what had happened if given the chance. Probably not so maybe she was right, and if I'd mentioned the things dad had done too that might have led to a messy divorce, so maybe she was just trying to keep the family together. I don't know. Anyway after that I started binge eating and periodically hurting myself around age five, had angry outbursts in class (one of which was bad enough police got involved) and periodically stopped participating at all in school, basically from kindergarten onward to the end of school. At one point in sixth grade I neglected even basic hygiene, and like everything else my parents either didn't notice or didn't say anything until the school sent me home, and even then they didn't say much or ask if I was okay. Looking back all of this seems like it was probably a cry for help, but I don't know. If it was, the closest thing I got to it was being taken to a dietician once when I started starving myself in fifth grade. I'm glad that happened, but looking back I wonder if...I guess if they should have taken that more seriously. I outright told my mom that I just wanted to be smaller so I wouldn't be made fun of and want to die anymore, and...maybe I'm wrong but sometimes I think that, and everything else, warranted some psychological help, instead of just being given a weight loss plan and losing a lot of weight really fast anyway. Then again, I did start at an unhealthy weight so maybe not?

I guess on the mental health front the last thing I'm wondering about is when a classmate found out I was suicidal in high school. He took my note to the counselor, and my dad was notified but just...never talked about it? He had a girlfriend at the time who had occasionally pushed me into doorframes and thrown things at me, but never gotten full on abusive, though she did rant about how I'd be a better person if dad had hit me more than twice in my life, and the day after the whole suicide note thing she went on about how I was just trying to manipulate them both and shouldn't be taken seriously. Sometimes I get really mad that no one ever even tried to get me help during that time, but maybe the girlfriend was right? I don't know. I don't think I was trying to manipulate anyone. I did also pass out for no apparent reason around that time and my dad didn't talk about that either, even though sometimes I think that should have been alarming too? I don't know.

I guess the last thing I had questions about happened when I was twelve. I met this guy who was I think nineteen, not sure exactly but he was definitely an adult. He said I was mature and cool though and started spending a lot of time with me. At first we just talked about books but eventually he brought up wanting to play games online with me, even after I told him I didn't have internet and that was against the library's rules for computer use. He'd still talk about it, and about how all the best girls he knew sent him nudes and had sexual conversations with him online and he thought it would be great if I did too. It felt weird, but never weird enough for me to stop talking to him, but the real odd thing was that my dad was there for some of these conversations. I'm not sure but sometimes I think he should have at least warned me to be careful with this guy. I don't know. I never actually did anything with him but I did take some nude pictures and videos that I thought I'd show him, only for him to abruptly leave town. For whatever reason I kept the videos and pictures though, and multiple times when I had left either my laptop or phone unattended, with only my dad home, I'd come back to find those were the most recently accessed files. I never specifically asked if he'd looked at them but I can't think of any other explanation, especially since it happened more than once, which would mean he didn't just find thst stuff while snooping but actively looked for it. That seems weird in hindsight, just like the fact that he'd watch me shower sometimes since our bathroom didn't have a door and he said we couldn't afford to get one, but I don't know maybe that was normal or at least not that bad?

For the longest time I either didn't think about any of this, or just shrugged it off as a result of us growing up poor. After all, they couldn't repair holes in the floors or walls or broken windows or remove mold, so we had to be poor. It was the only thing that made sense, but after being put in charge of finances after dad ended up in the hospital, I found out that had never been true. We weren't rich, sure, but it turned out they made a lot more money than I'd thought, definitely enough to fix the house up instead of constantly telling me I'd be taken away if anyone saw what it looked like (not true, since paramedics came in once and nothing happened after), and that my health insurance would have covered therapy.

Anyway, this whole long ramble ends with me wondering if I'm right to sometimes think my parents really dropped the ball sometimes, or if I'm entitled and expected too much from them. I don't know. I'm sorry, it seems stupid, but I don't know what is and isn't okay when it comes to family. If I did expect too much, then what is normal? If I am entitled, what do I do about that?

Hi Oak,

I'm sorry to hear about everything you went through.

A lot of what you described with your parents seems neglectful and reckless. Your needs should've been more of a priority. You did not deserve to suffer in the various ways that you did.

I just want to call your attention to how you said your dad's girlfriend was never "full-on abusive" and yet she pushed you into doorframes, threw things at you, and said you should've been hit more. That's still abusive. I guess I'm not entirely sure what you mean by full-on abusive. Abuse is abuse, you know?

I also want to clear the air by saying that his girlfriend is in the wrong, 100%. It's insensitive and dangerous to assume that a suicide threat is nothing serious. As someone who is QPR-certified (suicide prevention), every suicide threat should be taken in full seriousness. It's understandable to be mad that nobody helped you during that time. You didn't deserve to be treated that way.

It sounds like the 19 year old groomed you and solicited CSEM from you. I have to say that I'm not only disgusted by the actions of that 19 year old but also your father. What your dad did is not only a violation of your privacy but the fact he didn't seem concerned is concerning in itself. It's also very creepy and another violation of privacy for him to watch you shower. That's not normal at all, and especially if he knew there wasn't a door, he should've made sure not to look.

I think it's normal to not think much of our childhood traumas, especially until much later. I only just started uncovering and digesting my childhood trauma (12 and earlier) and I'm 22.

You didn't expect too much from your parents, in fact you expected the bare minimum and they couldn't even meet that. Please don't be sorry, none of this is stupid. You've endured a lot of different potentially traumatic things and I think it's important to acknowledge that.

It can be hard to gauge what is normal when it comes to your family. I'm also encountering that as I'm working through my earlier experiences. You don't really have another family of your own to compare these experiences to, so it can be hard to know what's okay and what isn't. But please know that it is not okay to violate your privacy in any way, whether that's being a peeping tom or going through your devices. It's not okay to ignore cries for help, including suicide threats. It's not okay to physically or emotionally abuse you. It's not okay to be medically neglected.

It's important for you to find healing in a way that works for you. If you aren't already in therapy, there are many therapies out there that could help you work through these experiences and how they may have shaped the way you view yourself and your life.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

so i finally, finally finally after like 3.5 years of talking about doing it, finally had my appointment for adhd and..it went really well. it was super easy to talk about my symptoms and the doctor was really nice and understanding too. i have another appointment with a psychologist and then one final doctor's visit where ill get medicated around may...its a lot longer than i would like it to be but in the grand scheme of things its like, in a few weeks ill finally have this awful experience of living with adhd put behind me

but like

i feel soooooooooooooo shitty

i think because the actual process was so quick and painless and easy it only took me like maybe an hour or even less than that for the whole visit but it took me OVER THREE YEARS to actually schedule the appointment. im so frustrated because the last few years have been some of the worst in my life where ive been so depressed and desponend and listless because i just. was unable to create anything. adhd has taken so much from me even before i was freelancing, its what fucked me up in school and nuked my experience in college. ive had these problems for so long and there's always been one root cause and all it took to deal with it was a one hour doctors appointment???

i guess im just upset because. if like, any adult in my life took me aside and asked me what was going on they probably could have figured out i had adhd really quickly, but no one ever did that, my parents just called me lazy and stupid and everyone else just assumed i was a slacker. if even one person really tried i could have done all of this years ago and not had to have suffered some of my worst experiences ever over my inability to focus!

i remember calling my mom in tears saying i think i have adhd i think thats why everything is happening the way it did, and she was like "...okay" and did nothing, and then, years later when i tell her yeah i got the appointment everythings in place she was like "pog!!! im so proud of you i knew you could do it yourself. whenever my kids come to me with a problem i just let them handle it alone because theyre so smart xD"

and itslike. do you have any idea how BADLY i would have killed for any sort of help AT ALL. if someone had sat with me and just helped me make the doctors appointment i could have been over this years ago!!!

aaaaa!!! but i cant just act like i did this 100% by myself, i had a lot of friends emphasize with me and tell me about adhd so i could make sure i knew i had it, and a friend gave me the clinic i could go to for screening and another friend told me the effects pills would have on me, etc, ect. ive had a lot of help from people in my life,but in regards to my family they either didnt do shit or punished me for my condition. it makes me so upset to think about

BUT

the worst of it is over, i did the hardest part myself, theres no point in gettng all torn up abt the past all i can really do is look forward to may where i can actually live my life witha functioning fucking brain holy shit. i guess i can get excited for that in spite of everything

if u read this far have a kiss. mwah

so just a little peek into my personal life rn

my parents have been preparing a divorce for the past month or so. for those of you who havent seen my 7 years of posts re: my family, my dad is a narcissistic abuser. he has been emotionally abusive from the day of my birth to now. he has been this way with me, my brother, and my mom.

my mom is super Christian - tldr she won’t get a divorce on her own terms bc vows and God and all that. my dad tried to divorce her sometime in 2016 or so but there was no word on that again.

until 2020. when i caught covid. and my mom, trying to help ME, told him to stop calling me over and over bc it was stressing me out and making shit worse.

from that day he would VERY OFTEN threaten divorce. it died down *slightly* when my mom said “bring the papers and i’ll sign them.”

well a month or so ago, she messaged me saying its happening. while im ecstatic he’ll be gone and i no longer have *any reason* to be even slightly cordial with him and i can more easily go NC with this, its also been hella fuckin stressful. idk how to explain why. but it has been eating me alive. maybe its bc ik im not getting closure, maybe its the weird realization we’re almost out. idk. its been rough.

ive been trying to keep in touch with my mom, but bc i cant call her when shes home or at work (fun fact, my dad will literally turn the tv volume all the way down so he can hear me on the phone, i havent spoken to him since august) i dont get a lot of information. so i try to ask her every so often how shits going at home.

today she sent me a message saying there hasnt been screaming and thats the best part.

im asking her if shes still leaving. idk what im gonna do if the answer isnt “yes.” im hesitant to go nc with her too bc 1) she is the last bio family member i have (i have disowned my brother, i have to go nc with my dad, i refuse to deal with his side of the family and my moms side all lives in south africa), and 2) i know what its like.

i feel like im going crazy bc i seem to be the only one who got the hell out of dodge and sees thru the shit.

Tysm for answering ive had this on my mind for ages now and i havent been able to talk about it with my mom cuz she will say something like you wanted to leave you deal with it and that yh. The thing is tho that like eveyone already has their own groups and it just feels like you are disturbing that if that makes sense?

it's no worries, i never told my parents how i had no friends in sixth form, i remember having to tell my sociology teacher though since the director of sixth form had made it mandatory for everyone to attend this sixth form open afternoon for prospective students and i did not want to be there, i think she saw my face grimacing at the idea of it when she asked our sociology class about it so she held me behind after under the guise of something else, but i remember my voice waivering as i said 'i don't have any friends' and she let me go home instead... anyways, too much about me, yikes.

yeah, i understand what you mean, i tried to fit into another group whilst i was at sixth form but i just did not vibe well with some people, tbh they were bullies and had made comments about me in the past so i didn't want to vibe with them, but yeah, cliques usually have some barriers and walls that you feel like you're disturbing until you either knock them down and the group includes you and rebuilds, or it just feels awkward, riding out the awkwardness is uncomfortable though, i think you just have to use the snowball effect, find one person, then acquaint yourself with another person they know and slowly slip into the group? i hope something here helps, or i'm just spouting psychology and sociology terms lbr...

tumblr i need help because i know you guys are better than any hotline with the type of situation im in

okay so my boyfriend is trans ftm, which makes me gay (or straight because i might be trans but thats a whole other issue), and today, while i was walking home from school, i was having a panic attack. my parents dont share custody, and my dad gets me wednesday afternoons. i was not mentally prepared to go to his place because i was having a sh!t ton of dysphoria and stress and all that ✨amazing✨ sh!t was just sending me down the usual spiral thinking about my ex-step-father which triggered my ptsd which is really great, isnt it?

anyway when i got home my mom could tell i was upset and asked me what was wrong and over the conversation i accidentally tell her im gay (because i’m super fncking smart), and she asked how i was gay because i had a girlfriend (i didnt tell her he was trans), so i told her. she was supportive and sh!t but that doesnt matter because my boyfriend hasnt come out and i wasnt supposed to tell anybody and i didnt mean to but anyway my dad knocked on the door and i left and then i text my mom not to tell anybody.

an hour or so later my little brother texts me “mom told <SIBLING-NAME> and me”.

is it okay for me to be angry at my mom for this

and also please help i want to kms

dont send me links to support hotline or anything ive tried talking to them it doesnt work

5 and/or 9?

5. what made you start your blog?

me and mallow, my qpp, were actually making a hermicraft au, and i started my blog with hopes that we could start an ask blog for it! the plan was that i would make the pfp, and they would make the banner. hooooowever he uh. forgot to make the banner and eventually october came around, meaning time for hermittober, and i decided i wanted to join, so i quickly made a pfp and intro post and start posted, and the rest is history.

we still have yet to make the au, and at this point neither of us are hyperfixated on hermitcraft anymore, so..... rip au :[

9. tell a story about your childhood

ooh boy i have a good one. (its really long so ill put it under a cut.)

okay so setting the scene. me and a friend were having a 2 day sleepover during winter break. one day at her house, and one day at mine. it was the second say, so we were at my house. it was just after dinner, and i have a loft bed in my room so me, her, and my brother were all on top. my friend had brought some glow in the dark stars that we were gonna put on my ceiling, and we had them in a plastic bag. however, my brother decided to take the bag and spill all the stars on the ground. i got angry, and went to go down my ladder so i could retrieve the stars. however, my ladder wasnt in its usual spot, so i step down and there wasnt a ladder there, and i fell.

i remember falling, almost in slow motion i guess, and trying to grab something, anything, while my eyes were closed. and then i hit the ground with a thud. nothing happened immediately and i had time to think. i wasnt in pain, but my arm felt really weird and i thought it was broken, so the next thing i did was scream as loud as i could. not out of pain, but because i had a need to get help.

my parents, my brother, and my friend said that i screamed basically right after i fell. i remember having time to think things through. it was REALLY weird.

next thing i knew, my parents were standing in the doorway, and my mom says that dad had pulled me out from my ladder since my legs were tangled up in it. my mom asked if anything hurt, and i said no, but that my arm felt broken, and thats when she saw it.

it was gross, so for your sake i shall not describe it. thankfully, though, it was just the bones in my arm that broke, not my skin or flesh. so no blood spilt.

my mom immediaty told my dad to call 911, and im pretty sure both my sister and my sibling came upstairs, and i think my sibling said they walked in, saw my arm, and immediately turn back because they didnt feel like puking.

my mom helped up, and put some slippers on my feet and gave me a stuffed animal, and took me into the kitchen to get some ice on my arm. this was the first time i had actually looked at my arm. my sister was, at this moment, ushering my brother and my friend out of my room and into either her room or the living room. either way, she was getting them OUT of my room.

the paramedics came and got me in the ambulance and drove away. they put an iv in my right arm (the one that wasnt broken) for painkillers, and just tried to keep me calm. i had no chance to feel pain at all from a mixture of painkillers and adrenaline.

i got to the hospital, the doctors put me under anesthetics, and i was out. i still remember the dream i had, though. i was being rushed around the hospital in a hospital bed, except the hospital was void of any decoration or people, and i somehow knew that there was no one pushing me, and that i was just. moving. and then i woke up, arm in a split and a sling. in about an hour after i woke up, the doctors had me try walking around a bit, and then they put me in a wheelchair and pushed me to the front door, where my aunt was waiting for me. it was like, 1 or 2 am at this point.

me and mom (who came with me in the ambulance and watched the whole procedure with fixing my arm) got home and i went and sat on the couch and fell asleep. no way was i sleeping in my loft bed.

i woke up in the morning, and my friend was actually still there and, turns out she didnt want to leave and ended up spending the night in my sister's room instead. she was in a cat onesie and was really just vibing, and i was haply that she was still there even though i wasnt.

eventually i got a cast, and it was purple and the doctor let me cover in in gliter glue so it was nice and sparkly, and i loved letting people sign it. however, it was hard to wash my hair with the cast since we werent allowed to get the cast wet. SO i also got my first haircut. i was, what, 8 or 9 i think? yeah. first. technically second but i dont remember my first haircut so this was my first haircut to nobody but myself. so some good did come out of it!!!

anyways thank you for letting me ramble, i shall now turn off my phone because it is at 17% and i do not have a charger 👍

17/09/23

its been quite a while, i told myself in july i would talk about the barbie movie, but well that didnt end up happening. i felt awkward writing and i feel awkward now, school started 3/4 weeks ago and its been going pretty ok, ill talk more about that. so first things first the barbie movie was spectacular, i loved it so much, it was so amazing no words, speechless. i dont know if i mentioned this but i went on holiday again, i went to mallorca in june for a week and alicante in spain for 2 weeks. i grew sick of my brother after that, i hope someday we can be friends but i just cannot stand him. my mom said that i will regret not being friends with him when im older just like she did, but i just cant stand being around him. my mom may regret not being friends with my uncle then but atleast there friends now (not for long unfortunately, hes sick). Spain was pretty boring, yes i know im a lil spoilt but we went to spain cuz its cheap (cheaper than staying down the road). i started playing a lot of total drama then stopped after the start of school. Im glad that im actually able to focus on my school work better because i genuinely cannot focus, i really struggled last year cuz i did it in silence and always put it off. now i started watching qsmp along with doing my homework cuz now i feel better doing my homework, my brain just works better when its hearing something and my brain is doing something else at the same time doing my hw. i think its due to when i was younger there was never silence around me when doing my hw, there was always talking always a programme, always something. im doing higher level english, im scared about doing shit in it like every other higher subject im in. but i think im doing good in english, or atleast mediocre, my teacher said that some of my work wasnt the best, which fair nuff it isnt. but i wrote something and it was kinda cringe but my teacher said it was good, and it wasnt cringe as in furry abo type shit i wrote it was more me saying "chillingly good use of onomatopeia" omg i just felt so stupid reading it out, i figured out why it feels so invasive reading it out and its because it feels like reading a diary and your specifically asked to read out ur feelings and opinions about it, unless i say something hateful about it i dont feel comfortable saying it. im doing bad in higher maths i just cannot understand somethings but i dont want to spend more time on it so i might i might not, im scared that i just wont understand it and theres people dumber than me in there, and it feels like i shit also cuz im dumb, i struggle with comprehending things, and i just go on my phone all the time, because i just get so bored, i wish that i would be able to learn things at my own pace (fast but slow at things i dont understand) and i just wish i could learn what i wanted to, i know i can learn maths i just struggle and i dont know why. did i mention im stupid? did i? because your bound to think so now, last year in higher irish i got 23% on my summer exam, and this year i got a note from my parents to move to lower, and i went to give it to him and he gave such a good speech i said okay yeah sure, like how dumb am i?? all my friends looked aound at me and were like "that was your one chance" "why didnt you leave" it was a little demotivating but if theres one thing i can do its spite people, from an early age ive discovered people insulting me is the best power for my success, its better if it feels like they mean it. e.g i couldnt hit a ball in pe with a bat, someone tried to take it off me (multiple ppl) and they said cmon you cant do it, that was really a good motivator because as soon as they reached for it i hit the ball super high. anyways im now learning irish and im struggling really. but duolingos helping, alot. were back to talking to our french penpals and i wrote the most complicated english because i got excited she said i was a nice girl, shes so sweet i love her. i wrote way too much so im gonna go now, have a good morning, day or night.