#ive been horribly art blocked this is all i got
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observation guide
#ive been horribly art blocked this is all i got#i just wanted some vamery im so desperate 4 more of them i miss them#i wanna draw them again but fffgggthgtgff i forgor how 2 draw#trigun#trigun stampede#trigun maximum#vash the stampede#meryl stryfe#vashmeryl#my silly art
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Twenty Questions for Fic Writers
Thank you so much dear @nocompromise-noregrets 🤗
1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 45
2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?
2,842,840
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Tolkien. The Silmarillion.
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
Fragments of Fate and Fire (This one, I don’t tend to count, as it’s mostly art. It’s much easier to look at an image than devote time to reading).
Dark Prince,
Magnificat of the Damned Book III: Fire.
A Far, Fierce Sky
Magnificat of the Damned Book II: Resurrection.
5. Do you respond to comments?
Of course. 😊 (I am grateful for them).
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Magnificat of the Damned Book IV: Anvil.
And I got some incredible comments on the last chapter that I still cherish. (It was not the end, but it was the end of that series).
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
I don’t believe in endings. Stories always continue and mine are mostly part of an ongoing series. But I have written a couple of one-shots and Requital did have a much more positive ending.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Never have, no. Or if I have it must have been mild and I’ve forgotten. But then I moderate my fics on AO3 and people usually can't be arsed to type a raging comment that won’t get published. Also I’m just not read that much. I write a lot of OC’s and people tend to scroll past, I’m sure. (I never had negative comments on LOTRFF.com or Faerie, either, and one couldn’t moderate, but again, I think it was because that kind of person just didn’t bother with them and the atmosphere was more polite on those archives).
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Sometimes. M/M. These days, it’s when it comes up, which is not so often. I find (after a particularly horrible fandom experience) that it’s like salt: you don’t need to pour it over everything. Anyhow, I’m interested in stories which have everything in them, not just sex.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
No.
11. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
I wrote Dark Prince and Dark Lands with Annwyn (back in 06/07) who I’m still in contact with but is no longer in fandom. She was lovely to write with.
13. What’s your all time favorite ship?
Fëanor/Fingolfin.
14. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
I want to finish A Far, Fierce Sky. I was writing that in tandem with one of the Magnificat stories and as A Light in the East and A Far, Fierce Sky, it’s sequel, were AU’s to my main arc, I had to drop one of them when I became self-employed.
I no longer have the time to write very much so I hope to survive long enough to retire and be able to do much more 🥺
15. What are your writing strengths?
Probably perseverance. I can hack through blocks and I completely ignore fandom fads so I can concentrate on my writing without dashing after the next hot take. If I get an idea I’ll follow it through.
16. What are your writing weaknesses?
Take your pick! 🤪
17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
If used sparingly it can be effective.
18. First fandom you wrote for?
Tolkien. I’m monofandom.
19. Favourite fic you’ve written?
I think of fics in terms of how I felt when I was writing them, and if I was in the ‘zone’ so it is a tie between Dark Prince and Summerland.
Tagging @cycas @ettelene @nuredhel @naryaflame @pinksiamese @crowandmoonwriting @jane-ways @antares0606 @independence1776 @lucifers-cuvette @minquelie @grundyscribbling @thenookienostradamus @swanfloatieknight @geneeste @auntieaugury @blue-istari-stars-of-the-south @feedthefandomfest and really anyone who sees this and would like to do it.
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hello! i came across your wips button and i wonder if youll ever go do them? the transformers ones sound super good!!
That.... is an excellent question and one I'm not super equipped to answer! The boring downer angle is that I've been horribly, immovably blocked on art and writing for a long while now, and it drives me nuts trying to shake that AND i rarely have any luck. I know i can write pretty darn well, and I can do it FAST, there was a hot minute where i successfully held myself to uploading at least one piece of art or writing per day. That pace was never going to last, my art got better and my fics got longer, plus i went from languishing in the falling action of grad school to having an actual job, which was both a less flexible schedule and also more money to explore other hobbies. But that period of my life really drove home how important that rhythm and periodicity is to me, and i haven't been able to recapture that in years.
As it is right now, if i manage to finish anything, it's only going to happen with either a fandom at the VERY very forefront of my mind (svsss or the raksura core au right now), or with an idea too fresh and good and crunchy to resist, independent of fandom (there's a dungeon meshi idea lightly haunting me). Transformers is a remarkably good playground, I love it SO much, but it's been years since I reread any significant part of it, so the ideas aren't flowing. I trust my old ideas, but if the canon isn't fresh, or I'm not actively talking about it, the spark is unlikely to catch. There's an off-chance of me reacting to an idea in some other fic via a medium of transformers smut, but I'm also struggling to read right now too 🥲
But! But!!!! A thing ive noticed and that drives me bananas is that when i move, the shape of my hobbies changes. I vibed really well with writing in NJ and MA, and COMPLETELY lost the ball when i relocated to VA. I cross-stitched in NJ, faded in MA, and lost it in VA. I bookbound like nuts in VA, but i just did a local move, and I'm no longer getting the reaction of 'I'm idle, I should make a book.' I don't know where things will go, first was a rush to unpack my boxes, then was a rush to learn to paint a room, and now my home is full of jumbled furniture and objects and I'm so overwhelmed that all I want to do is lie in bed and level grind in video james.
Teal deer, i can't tell what hobby is going to take center stage now, and it's driving me nuts. But it could be writing! I'm much more confident about my writing than lots of other creative endeavors. I also want to revisit canon for a lot of old fandoms. I think the wip list predates my cnovel phase, but i have two beefy svsss wips, and at least two short ones, and two aus I'd love to flesh out. I have raksura core writing. I have a tf bookbinding project that's been languishing for. 1.5 years. But if i can find my momentum, I'll be diving back into canon. And i really think 5-10k of hard weird emotional smut really is my wheelhouse. I wish so hard i could recapture that energy! This is a response much longer than it needed to be, but just imagine me as the WHY ARE YOU CLOSED meme at my own brain, and much more confused and frustrated than anyone else that I don't write anymore 🤣
#oh yes i also want to crochet#and promptly started numbing my fingers#so the search for the activity that sparks joy is going great!#spock replies
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new-ish to the blog (been here about a month....,,) and i wanted to finally get this off my chest bc it was killing me. i'm queer as hell now but BACK THEN when i was 11-13 i was a cis boy who just liked reading comics and doing a jump everyday in hopes of becoming the tallest jumper in the world. and at the time i found out about happy tree friends and got into it very fast, both bc the gore and extremity was edgy and cool to me and because i genuinely liked the characters. i developed a crush on flippy, because, who didnt, and finding out a LOT of htf fans felt the same made me happy at first. but it became really clear nearly all the people who crushed and fangirled over him were girls irl and i felt like a weirdo about it because i was a BOY and i had a crush on flippy who was ALSO a boy. BUT seeing those same people ship flippy with other boy-characters in the show gave me massive mixed messages, because everyone seemed to love it when it was in-show only and i hadnt EVER met another boy online who had a crush on flippy so i wondered if it just wasnt allowed when it was outside of that, even though i wanted to express it with everyone else so bad. i couldnt go to my irl friends bc none of them were into htf and i was worried theyd think i was weird anyway. so my solution to keep crushing on flippy while still being normal to everyone else was making a htf oc that was quite literally a self-insert of myself, all the way down to the comics i liked irl, and shipped him with flippy. but i never told anyone it was my self-insert and just said it was an oc very unrelated to me and i wanted to keep it that way. i made horrible art of us and wrote equally horrible fanfic of this "oc" and flippy, bc i thought it was a genius solution to expressing my adoration for flippy whilst keeping the handful of followers and online friends i had satisfied bc it was boy x boy stuff. i never wrote/drew raunchy stuff about them bc as far as i can remember it was just shit like going on a date with flippy at the library or having picnics with him etc etc. but once i shared a recent fic with one of my online friends about them and at some point they went "you wrote it like an x reader so i thought it was self insert lol" and i was genuinely in shambles. i thought they were accusing me of having a crush on flippy myself and they were about to expose me or something (they didnt even know i was a boy irl so i dont know??) so i defensively told them it wasnt a self insert and i wasnt attracted to flippy in the slightest. but i was really rude about it and they replied saying they never said that, they never accused me of having a crush on flippy or anything like that and it was just a mistake. i dont remember the entirety of our messages but i remember getting so butthurt and angry i kept telling them to fuck off and that it wasnt a mistake on their end and they HAD to be accusing me of actually liking flippy. i blocked them and i cried so hard into my pillow i could barely breathe and i considered running away from home that day bc i was convinced that person was gonna tell everyone i liked flippy even though i was a boy and somehow get to my irl friends and family and i would be considered a freak for it forever. i stopped posting my art and fics of that "oc" and flippy after that and i didnt know how to delete my account at the time (it was on deviantart) so i just logged out and never touched it again. ive been thinking about it recently now as an adult and i forgot the password to that account so everything is still up and there hasnt been a new comment since 7 years ago but it keeps me up at night thinking about the person i cussed out and all the published stuff
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ive just had sort of a horrible art fight experience this year. i got a bunch of attacks really early on— which im so grateful for, obviously, im not an asshole— but ive immediately sunk into art block trying to attack them all back. its just been making me super stressed and i feel bad about the quality of my art in return. i wanted to experiment this year but it looks like that's not going to happen. i feel really bad for even being stressed about it since none of my friends have gotten the number of attacks i have and it sounds like im bragging saying im stressed about it... idk i might just do all my revenges and then tap out for this year because im not having fun at all😭
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Mnnngh art vent under the cut
I really miss when art was easy for me. It used to come so, so easy, even though I'd say my art wasn't as good as it is now. Like I'd def say I've improved, but its so much harder to get art out now than it used to be
I look back at the art I used to make and I seriously lament how easy it was. Even if it was just doodles, I could get so many out, I remember back in like 2019 i could often get at least one doodle out a day and it felt great. It was my outlet, my way I connected with others, the way I shared ideas and made stories, and now I feel that outlet has been practically severed and it really, really hurts
Artfight def hurts the worst. I was so excited for this year, so ready to reconnect with a lot of my friends and bond over silly AF attacks, and it was genuine! I didnt have any big plans this month other than just doing my job so I was so happy to do this. July last year was awful, I was in a horrifically abusive situation and that abuse reached its peak last July, I was in a bad bad place. But I've completely cut that abuser from my life and I'm in a much better space, so I really thought this July would be me turning things around
But as soon as I got a lot of attacks, I just- fucking shut down. I kept thinking on how much "make up revenges" I'd have to do and it got to the point where I'd get overwhelmed every time I picked up my tablet. What became "Hehe can't wait to make art for my friends!" Quickly spiralled into "Oh god I need to do so many revenges I cant keep up", and it just made me catatonic and I hate that. And the worst is that I know no one's exepcting me of anything, I dont have to revenge everyone, its all for fun- I know its just this expectation im putting on myself and im the only one disappointed in myself but I just cant stop how catatonic its left me and its really tough to deal with because ive only done 1 attack so far. Ive spent the entirety of July going "shit i need to work on attacks. Its ok ill do it later." And now its July 31 and ive only done one. I set a goal of doing at least ten. I thought ten wouldve been manageable, but I just cant do what I used to do and it really really hurts
And I keep being told that Im having a hard month. That works been stressful and working 40hr a week leaves me with significantly less free time than I had back in college, so of course i have less time/energy for art, but it still hurts because I dont. Feel like work has been that bad. Yeah its been bad but ive dealt with horrific stress before and ive handled it fine. I feel like if I go "its been a rough month" ill be saying that every month. And i dont want that. Im really healing and im getting in better places, I feel like still struggling this much doesnt feel "right". Hell my therapist just told me that i might be in remission or partial remission for my major depressive disorder. Like I have a professional telling me im getting better but I still struggle to do something that came so easily and it hurts really really badly.
Im gonna see what i can do for last minute attacks. Might not be great attacks, but i want to see if i can get something, anything out. It just hurts because i had so many ideas for my friends and I dont know what Ill be able to do for them and I feel horrible. I feel severed from them and from my main outlet of connecting with others.
And i know its just a sign of burnout or art block or mental illness or what the fuck ever. But I feel like ive been making too much progress in myental health to be struggling this hard. I love making art and i love artfight and sharing art with my friends but as soon as I try, I go completely catatonic and its really really hard because i used to be able to do this so easily and i want it to be easy again but I dont know what im doing wrong to still be struggling this hard
Idk bottom text
#vent#feel free to keep scrolling its nothing inportant just lamenting my lack of AF attavks this year
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deviantart and "lets make fun of teenagers art on tumblr" blogs fucked me up
i went from not caring too much of what my art looked like and having fun and Improving that way, to now i have a hard time drawing anything at all cause it has to look perfect and be original
i feel bad using references, i feel horrible when it trace to practice, hell i feel horrible even when a reference image is totally free use or a person who posts poses says i Can trace i still have this horrible icky feeling if i just do a like, stick figure over it to get the proportions and shape
when everything i read now as an adult says tracing and copying is not bad as long as you arent like, claiming things as your own and using stuff that you own or that allows you to do so
but i still feel this horrible feeling about it, when i used to use bases literally made from people tracing official monster high art and mlp art but i got accused of tracing Once when i didnt, because i used a base that someone else used to draw my own character and i also drew my character on that base
and i used to have my ocs put on tumblrs for being bad and even art my little sister made when she was just playing around and didnt have any art skill, and like i was 12-15 at the time, and got roasted constantly for no reason besides that i was learning and trying and even when id start to make art without bases that got shit on so i just, stopped trying
and the constructive criticism of "hey try png instead of jpeg" or "try to make the calves thicker" never bothered me but literally stuff like "this is awful and this idea is stupid" that i saw so much just totally ruined me and art feels so hard now, i feel like i cant do it and feel like i dont have ideas i can put on paper because i cant visualize in my head when i used to be able to draw whatever i wanted even without bases and i still couldnt visualize in my head i just
feel such a mental block,ive always found it easier to draw things for other people because then it was their design and no one could make fun of me for it,not because id let them make fun of my friends but because i still doubt my ability so much that i feel like nothing original i make is good enough and being able to bounce off of stuff that already exists is easier but i can only do that in like, a safe way that doesnt feel just
like a horrible bad thing, and fuck fanart actually exists but my brain still feels horrible at the idea of someone accusing me of tracing or copying or stealing because ive always been good at copying things and i wouldnt, be Trying to do that but i worry itd happen anyway so its bad to look at any references or anyone elses take on an art
im in like, art hell i think
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It’s All Art ~ 92
Oscar fell back onto the couch, closed his eyes, and took a long breath. Letting it out with a sigh, he opened his eyes, “A little better.” He smiled.
Matt laughed, “Aw, you’re worried about my sister.”
He rolled his eyes, “Ooo, there’s a secret.” He looked at Abby and whispered, “Asshole.”
“Everyday.” Abby laughed and kissed Matt’s cheek.
From what the doctors had said Oscar figured they were in for a wait before they could see her, but it wasn’t five minutes before a nurse opened the door. She smiled and pointed at him, “Come with me.”
Oscar jumped up. Matt stood, “Everything a’right?”
The nurse nodded, “Perfectly.” She waited for Oscar to be beside her, “Patients who’ve had a trauma are sometimes disorientated when they wake. She’s just starting to wake up and is a bit restless. Might help if you’re with her.”
He nodded, “I told her I’d be here when she woke up.”
They stopped outside a curtained room, “We don’t usually have family back this early. Waking up can be a little scary for them. I’ll be right there. I promise she’s fine.” She put her hand on his forearm, “You a’right?”
“Better if you let me see her.” He smiled and raised an eyebrow.
She laughed, “Just talk to her.” She pulled back the curtain and let him go in first.
The head of the bed was up at an angle and Charlotte’s arm was in a splint, resting on a pillow. The IV in her other hand was already gone. He waited while the nurse put down the railing on that side before taking her hand and sitting on the edge of the bed. He kissed the back of her hand and held it between both of his. With the contact she shuffled around and made quiet noises. Not quite a moan or a sigh. Oscar rubbed his thumb against her palm, “Hey baby, I’m here. Time to wake up.” She didn’t open her eyes. “Everybody is shoved into a room waiting for you to wake up, so we can take you home. I’m thinking room service for some breakfast. Maybe waffles. I ate something from the cafe here, but you know what they say about hospital food.” The nurse snorted a laugh from behind him. He nodded toward her, “She agrees.” Both were laughing when she opened her eyes. Oscar smiled, “There’s my girl.”
Charlotte shifted a little, “Hospital. Mmm, surgery. How’d it go?”
“Your arm will be good as new.” He leaned in and kissed her softly, “Do you know who I am?”
Fifteen minutes later . . .
Charlotte opened her eyes, looked at her arm, and wiggled her fingers. She glanced up to Oscar, “Surgery go a’right?”
He nodded, “Perfect.” He leaned in and kissed her. “Who am I?”
She looked at him like he was crazy, “Oscar.”
“Who are you?”
“Charlotte.” She said her name slowly and more as a question.
“No.” He shook his head and pressed his lips to her hand, “You’re my everything.”
“Why are you asking me these questions?” Recognition flashed in her eyes, “Oh, I was afraid I’d lose more memories.” She smiled when he nodded his agreement then looked at the nurse, “He’s only saying that romantic stuff because you’re in here.”
The nurse laughed, “He’s said something different each time. Very sweet, your Oscar.”
“Each time? How many times have I woken up?”
She noticed the slight panic, “Perfectly normal to drift in and out. You’re much more lucid this time. Awake now.”
Oscar kissed her again and waited for her eyes to focus on him, “My love, my Charlotte, mi lucero, and my everything.”
“I love you.” Charlotte pulled him closer for another kiss then let go of his hand to wrap it around his shoulders. She broke from the kiss and nuzzled against his cheek, speaking close to his ear, “I can hug you again. No IV to tangle.” She hugged him tighter and he felt her wince then her “Ow”.
The nurse asked before he could, “What hurts?”
“My chest and stomach?”
“Your ribs. Probably didn’t notice last night with all the pain meds. It’s going to hurt to breath, cough, or do anything that moves your ribs.”
She looked at Oscar, “Did we know that?”
He smiled slyly, “I knew, but only because I’ve broken a rib before.”
She swatted at him and looked at the nurse, “Anything else I need to know?”
“I have an aftercare paper for you to take home.” She handed it to Oscar and explained it’s contents. Oscar nodded with each instruction and asked a couple of questions about when they should call the doctor, what was a problem. She reassured them both and made sure they had a phone number to call with questions. “She’s ready to go.” She smiled at Charlotte, “Take it easy and let him take care of you. You’ve been through a lot. Physically and emotionally.”
Charlotte nodded, “Thank you.”
When the nurse left Oscar clapped his hands and stood up, “I’m going to text Matt and have him get the car around then we’ll get you dressed.” After finishing the text he shoved his phone back in his pocket and looked around the room. “I forgot your clothes.” He held up a finger, “Wait one minute. I know where I put them.” He jogged out of the room back to the consultation room they’d been waiting in. Their friends were gathering up their things when he burst through the door, startling them. “Sorry, she’s fine. Awake. Ready to go. I forgot her clothes.” He pointed to the bag and Adam tossed it to him. “Matt, text me when the car’s around.” He was back out the door and jogging into her room.
Charlotte was sitting on the edge of the bed and looked up when he came in, “You look tired.”
He smiled and ran his fingers through her hair, “A little, but I’m good. Don’t worry about me.”
She took his hand with her good one, her green eyes sparkling with tears as she met his, “If I haven’t said it . . . thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He sat by her, wiping away a tear, “What are these about?”
Shaking her head, she sniffed, “Not exactly sure. It’s an odd twenty four hours. I’m sorry.”
Oscar laughed and hugged her, “No apologies, baby girl. It’s been one hell of a twenty four hours.”
“I love you.” She held onto him with one arm.
“I love you too.” He lifted her chin and kissed her. “Let’s get you home.”
Everyone was waiting by the car to see her. Adam gave both of them a hug and ran off for his call time. Kelsey told Charlotte that she was sitting with her tomorrow and was going to head into work for the afternoon. Jane and Beth were off to work too, but said they’d run by in the evening to check on her. That left Oscar, Matt, and Abby to load in the car back to the hotel. The dropped Abby a few blocks away to fill Charlotte’s prescriptions and pick up some things.
Oscar kept his arm around her to help her walk into the hotel. Her ankle was sore, but she was able to put some weight on. Once in the elevator she leaned against Oscar, “Tired now.”
When the elevator doors opened Oscar handed his card key off to Matt before picking her up. He was careful to hold her against him on the side opposite her broken ribs. “This ok?”
Charlotte nodded and laid her head on his shoulder.
Matt had his master key and opened the door or them. He'd had the room cleaned and stocked the room with all of Charlotte's favorite snacks and drinks. The freezer held several reusable ice packs in different sizes. Not that it was necessary, but told staff if she or Oscar asked for anything staff needed to have it to them immediately.
Oscar asked where she wanted to go before he sat her on the couch, “What do you need?”
“Pillows.”
By the time Abby got there with the pain meds the two men had pillows under her ankle, arm, and behind her shoulders. There was a blanket draped over her and a steaming cup of tea on the side table. Matt was on her, taking the pills. Oscar was on her, taking the first aid supplies into the bedroom. Abby sat on the chair to the right and took her friends hand, smiling, “I'd completely take the piss if you didn't look so horrible.”
Charlotte started to laugh, but stopped herself when there was stabbing pain in the back of her head. “Besides the crushing headache, it's my face which hurts worst. Matt, can I have another ice pack, please.”
“Sure thing, Lottie.”
“Can you not?” She growled at his insistent use of a most hated nickname.
Matt brought her an ice pack, a glass of water, and a trio of pills. “If I don't tease you how will you know I love you?”
Her glare turned to a smile, “Possibly saying the words I love you?”
He nodded, “I love you . . Lottie.”
Oscar snorted a laugh from behind Charlotte. He put his hands on her shoulders and bent to kiss the top of her head before looking at the other couple, “Mind if I jump in the shower real quick?”
Abby shook her head, “Take as long as you want.”
Oscar headed back to the bedroom, stripping off pieces of clothing once he passed through the door. He rolled his shoulders in an attempt to release some of the tension and the cramps from both sleeping behind her and the less than comfortable hospital furniture. He shoulders felt like he'd had them drawn up to his ears for days, which wasn't far from the truth. He adjusted the water to a few degrees lower than lobster boil and stepped under the spray. Keeping his mind from wandering wasn't so hard. He called on his training to center himself on the moment. The smell of the shampoo, the feel of the water, and the sound of the shower. Three out of five senses was enough to ground him. Once clean he closed his eyes to visualize the water sluicing down his body and carrying away the tension and concerns. He felt refreshed and dried off.
Back in the living room everyone had food in front of them. He helped himself to the spread laid out on the breakfast bar. He shoved a piece of bacon in mouth as he walked toward the others, “Matt, did you call your parents?”
Matt nodded, “I told them you guys would call when everyone got settled.”
“I think I'll be asleep soon. So tired.” She looked at Oscar, “Will you call them?”
“Or course.” He sat beside her, leaning in to kiss her. He looked back to Matt, “Did you write down what pills she got and when?”
Matt nodded, “Taken care of.”
“Why?” Charlotte looked between the men.
“So no one accidentally overdoses you. Which would probably be me.” Oscar smiled when the others nodded.
Conversation turned to the week ahead as the four ate. Oscar updated her on the phone call with Tabitha and his call times. He'd write those down for her as between the headache and meds he was sure she wouldn't remember. It wasn't her physical injuries that made him not want to leave her. He wanted to be there if she got scared. Not that anyone of her friends couldn't comfort her, but he wanted it to be him.
Charlotte leaned forward to set her plate on the coffee table, “I think I want to take a nap.” She reached for Oscar's hand, “Stay with me until I fall asleep.” He nodded stood, handing her the quad cane. He kept a hand on her elbow as they walked to the bedroom.
Abby yelled to their backs, “We'll clean this up before we go.”
“Thank you.”
Getting comfortable wasn't easy. Charlotte's ribs ached. They wound up with her on her back supported by pillows and Oscar curled on his side with an arm across her stomach. He was close, but not close enough for either of them. Oscar snaked his hand under her shirt to rest on the bare skin of her stomach, “What can I do for you?” He knew better than to ask if she was alright. No matter her answer they both knew she wasn't. Talking wasn't going to help right now. Right now she needed to sleep and let her body heal.
Charlotte shook a sleepy head, her eyes already drifting closed, “Rest. I'm glad to be home. Safe. All the hospital stuff done. Wish the police stuff was.” She stretched her neck, wincing at the pain in her head. “Nothing you can do. I'll let you know.”
“Anything.”
She smiled, putting her hand on his face, “Promise.” She closed her eyes and within the time of a few breaths was asleep.
Oscar stayed very still. Her hand was still on his face and his hand on her stomach let him feel her every breath. The quiet sounds of Abby and Matt talking as they cleaned up kept him in their bed. When he heard the door latch he put her hand where his was and carefully crawled out of bed. He stood by the door for several long seconds to make sure his absence didn't wake her.
In the family room he picked up his phone to call her parents and found a message from her dad. “Call me when she's asleep and you're alone.” Oscar smiled. Dad needed reassurance about his baby. He hit the call button on his phone and waited for the older man to pick up, “Hey, I was picking up the phone to call you when I saw your message.”
“Thank you. Let me put you on speaker so Alexis can hear.”
A voice that sounded a lot like Charlotte came over the line, “Hello, Oscar.”
“Hey, Alexis.”
Micah took over, “Matt filled us in, but you're the one whose been with her and talking to the doctors.”
Oscar told them everything the doctors and nurses had told him. He explained Charlotte's memory loss, her fear of losing more, and how that didn't happen. He reassured them their daughter was going to be fine. He still didn't see a reason for them to come to London before the gallery opening, but would have Charlotte call them when she woke up. She hadn't wanted them to come and watch her sleep.
“Matt said . . . he said she wasn't sexually assaulted.”
“No, no, she wasn't.”
Alexis spoke up, “If she can't remember how can you be sure?”
Oscar scrubbed his hands in his hair, “There's CCTV video of the attack. I saw it. He just beat her up.” He'd decided unless or until she remembered he wasn't telling anyone else what would have happened. Adam and Eric were enough. He felt bad they'd have to keep the secret. He could hear the couple in Greece breathe a sigh of relief, “She's struggling with not remembering. She's worried he'll hurt someone else, but the police said there's been nothing similar. Likely just wrong place, wrong time.”
“We're going to trust you on what she needs to know.”
Oscar laughed, “We'll deal with it as it happens.”
“Good plan.”
“Keep us updated and take good care of our daughter.”
“I promise.”
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Writing Easy
I’ve been a bit sick for the past few months. In fact, back in September I got sepsis and had to make a trip to the emergency room at the hospital. I had a high fever and plummeting blood pressure, so the doctors put me on fluids and a broad-spectrum antibiotic.
Once you start treatment, you have to sit and wait to see if the antibiotics actually work. If they do, great. If they don’t, there’s a good chance that you will go into organ failure and die.
While I waited, I asked my wife to pick up my laptop so that I could get some work done. You see, being a writer is easy—less physical than any other job I’ve ever had. So I got my laptop open and began typing. The nurses frowned at me and sent the doctor in.
He watched me for a minute, then said, “Are you sure you should be doing that? I mean, just a couple of hours ago, you were within twenty minutes of meeting your maker.” I told him I felt fine. I really didn’t think it would hurt.
He added, “Your blood pressure is so low right now that you probably shouldn’t be conscious.” Again, I told him I felt fine, and I kept working. I kept at it for a couple of hours, then rested a bit, worked a couple more, and so on. I got my eight hours in for the day.
However, I’m not going to recommend this to you. When you type with IVs in your wrists, they really do swell horribly. So, maybe I should have listened to my doctor.
Last week I got sick again, this time with pneumonia and a heart attack, and so I’m taking it very easy. Haven’t done a thing all week except some very light exercise, and it is driving me crazy. You see, when you’re a writer, and you’ve got down time, your mind naturally turns to composing, and you find yourself writing in your head, which makes you want to get to the keyboard. What makes it even tougher is that I love what I do—writing, teaching, contest judging, and so on. I’m eager to get healthy and return to work.
Yet a lot of people who want to write find endless excuses to avoid work. I recently listened to a book by Steven Pressfield called The War of Art, which deals with how to push through writer’s block and win your creative battles. I highly recommend it in part just because Pressfield categorizes the myriad and bizarre ways that writers invent to avoid writing. Beautiful book, full of insightful gems, and I love the narration.
On a physical level, writing is easy. It’s much easier than Basic Training in the military, or working on an assembly line, or picking crops, or just about anything else that I know of.
But on a mental level it can be a dragon. I sometimes wonder if perhaps for inspiration, we should keep in mind a pantheon of writerly heroes.
My writerly hero is an Irish writer named Christy Brown, an author who was born into an impoverished Irish family. He had cerebral palsy and therefore was incapable of typing or even writing block letters with his hands. So he wrote his books entirely by holding a pencil between his toes and composing with his left foot. (His tale was made into an inspiring film called My Left Foot in 1989, for which the actor Daniel Day-Lewis won an Oscar as Best Actor.)
So next time that you find yourself making excuses to avoid writing, I’ll recommend that you pick up The War of Art or perhaps watch My Left Foot to help you get inspired. But please remember this disclaimer: Before you begin writing, check with your doctor to see if you’re healthy enough to write!
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Reaallly long art rant
Lately, the past 4 months or so, ive felt v drained inspirationaly. This is the longest ive ever had art block. So, whenever i finish a drawing i have this satisfaction, this high, it makes me feel so good. That when i felt like i wouldn't finish it, that i didnt have the energy to, i did. I also feel like tumblr is a big part of my block. Dw im not leaving of course lol, im just ranting. But yeah, ive been on here SO much and i hate that i am but i AM. Its like an addiction. Plus all my friendos are on here so i dont just wanna take a leave.
Another big part of my block is sorta myself? My personality ig u could say. And what i mean by that is i can never say no to anyone. It makes me feel terrible. The thing i can never say no to is art requests. I get them so much from my extended family. And thats another part of the block, family.
Theyre always askin me to draw stuff when im like "er not rn....im uh on this *points down at paper* rn. Maybe next time..?" Thays my attempts at saying no. But noooo of course my cousins are like "no no no just draw me rn ok u can do that drawing some other time ive been begging u to draw me forever!" BOTH of my cousins are always bugging me nonstop to draw them. I hate it just leave me the fuck alone i just finally got to another drawing and u won't even let me finish it go fuck off. But i of course dont say that. I start immediately on one cousins sketch while he watches me (tjis was on ny's) Now im doing the other ones sketch rn. Only because his birthday is today and this is his gift. Also because when we go to see them today, and i dont have it done he'll make me feel horrible. And since i dont have my other cousins sketch done he'll do the same. (I dont have the ref photo so i cant finish it. My bro has it and refuses to send it to me.) Another thing is they cant respect how i do my art and my art style. They want all the art i draw in realistic color whereas i only do traditional b&w shadding. And my other extended family is always trying to get me to draw them live. Like, they pose and i draw them. I CAN'T do that. It takes me HOURS to draw. Plus ik they'll be like hurry up! And get tired after 2 mins. Plus idk, thats awkward for me. Id rather just have a pic. Boom. Simple. But THEY wont understand that.
Theres alot more that theyve done but I'll stop there.
And sometimes im in a way putting this block on myself? I hold these free giveaway stuff then i ask ppl if they'd like a request or i accept requests or an art trade or i say im gonna draw this for somepne for this holiday or smtn. I do it for fun and it makes ppl happy. And idm doing it. But it builds up. More. And more. And more. To the point where im feeling v v v overwhelmed with stuff im supposed to draw for ppl. And i get v behind on everything. And i cant even enjoy when i finally finish a drawing. Im like welp, im v late on all these, onto the next. Its not a good feeling. And sometimes whenever im like "i do so many drawings for OTHER ppl, i need to do one for MYSELF like i used to" so i try. But then i have no idea what to draw. And then all i can think of is what im supposed to be drawing for other ppl. Then it makes me feel like im being selfish by trying to draw for myself. To try to distract myself i go on tumblr. But then im just procrastinating. And i usually just end up not drawing anything. But when i do its just requests or stuff for other ppl. And i feel i dont upload art much anymore on tumblr so i feel the need to get something out there. And when i do it doesnt get too much notice. So i feel more deflated. Just a repeating cycle. Over. And over and over.
And since its for other ppl i feel i gotta make it perfect.
I just wish i drew as much as i used to without a care. I wish i COULD do that. But im in a huge mess and the only way to get out of it is to finish all the drawings. Then start fresh. It feels I'll never get to that tho.
Alot of the time i just think about giving up on art. Alot. Cause its not so enjoyable anymore as it used to.
I wont tho cause it IS what makes me the most happy in the world. Im mesmerized by it. Its what i want to do when im older. I dont wanna throw all that away. Without it id be basically nothing
For now, I'll sort thru (try to anyway) the mess i got myself into and try to kill the damn block. And try to draw for myself sometimes too.
Thanks for coming to my ted.....rant? Talk? Idek anymore.
But hey, if u read all that, props to u bro.
Sorry for getting all art depressy on main..
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so like
recently ive been thinking of . Putting out a little thing abt myself to my followers and whoever else might be reading this that actually cares about my blog or me
it’s kind of just a story about my time associating with the members of that old dirtygfconfessions blog, and. I think it’s time i genuinely told the whole story here. I guess I want to because then I can send this to people who are curious, and it just helps to get it off my chest
Warning: this post includes mentions of sensitive material.
i used to be one of the mods of the dirty gravity falls confessions blog.
we used to have a skype group chat for all of the mods of the blog. The name changed a lot
The stuff we did there are both things i did regret and things i dont regret.
i can tell you this - it was not for the fainthearted. Before i was desensitized, i remember having a panic attack when somebody sent a picture of a real, disfigured and busted open body that i really don’t want to get into the detail about. We used slurs. We made the most offensive jokes we could think of.
I had fun, mostly around the beginning. Of course, I didn’t feel welcome despite them never telling me i wasn’t.
I felt the most fond of the mod leader we called bip. I was scared of him, too, however.
There were times where i left the chat because my feelings were hurt, but i always came back.
Eventually, when gf ended and when the blog died down, we just became a general chat. They eventually made a discord server.
Then, in came some people we called roxy, blaze, lily, and other people. I’m not calling them by their newest names i’ve heard because i don’t want a lot of people going “i know who they are!” And trying to harass them.
Please don’t bother these people. I don’t even want them to know I’m talking about this. It wouldn’t matter if they did, though, but whatever. The way I refer to them is also to further protect their current identities, so please don’t bitch to me about it if you know them.
Anyway, i was fond of lily, too. I never felt close to blaze and I never will.
Roxy was. Something. By that I mean roxy was very guilt-trippy and made everyone uncomfortable despite our efforts to tell her to stop doing whatever it was that we didn’t enjoy. After a dispute that directly involved me (she was trying to antagonize me because of a fetish), we kicked her out. For some reason, the mods (especially bip) still talked to her even though they always said how shitty she was in the group chat. Bad sign already.
The stuff in between was a blur, but i remember i still went on and off of the chat because of personal issues.
At some point I did something to make blaze uncomfortable, i don’t want to say what it was but i can assure you i never did it again. Also, i barely remember it anyway.
After that, blaze did everything in their power to make me look like a bad person, argue with anything i said or thought, and get me kicked out of the chat for the most irrational reasons. I remember he “jokingly” kicked me out of the chat because i liked sausage party, and ignored me when i asked when he was going to add me back.
He started arguments with another member who, admittedly did go too far with things, but wasn’t a bad person at heart in the slightest.
Blaze went as far as to claim this person was transphobic and faked being trans, even though the person never made any claims of being trans and didnt even comment anything bad about stuff like that.
What sucked was how blaze got away with all of this, and was one of the closest people to the admin, bip.
He was manipulative as all hell, and started dating lily and tried to control her. He WAS in a relationship with somebody else named Maddie before lily. However, he cheated on her with this other person. And the whole chat blamed the person he cheated on with, instead of blaze. They kicked the person out.
I used to send lily hearts all the time because i guess I practically loved them. I was about a year or two too old, though. Maybe three. We weren’t over 18 yet, though. At some point, i was told by bip and blaze to stop sending hearts to lily bc it made them uncomfortable. I agreed not to, but I did feel like this wasn’t something lily would have other people tell me, so i felt like blaze was being controlling and possessive of lily. When i pointed this out to them, lily told me to mind my own business. Red flag.
More conflict rose between me and blaze.
I decided i wanted to just try to talk to blaze, i was as calm as i could be and i tried being really understanding, because i knew he hated me. I wanted to fix things between us, or at least stop all the arguments and shit, but he refused, telling me he didn’t want to say how he felt about me. He didn’t want to talk about any of it. So i left him alone.
I think at that point I left or something because I didn’t want to be in that chat since they were so manipulated by him.
In another light, during all of this, i did have chats with bip. And honestly, we even sent nudes and other sexual content to each other. But we only did it if bip consented. I always asked him if he wanted to send pictures or videos, and i always reassured him that if he didn’t want to, he didn’t have to. End of story.
Hell, i told the whole chat if i ever made them uncomfortable, they could tell me. I didn’t want to be the next Roxy. They never did tell me until that second to last point that i left when i did happen to make them uncomfortable by talking about a sexual attraction to a character they valued in terms of childhood, and they were angry about it. i got angry, too. (and no, it was not a problematic figure)
Later, bip and i talked again. I don’t remember why, but we did. i probably started it for some reason. He told me he got rid of blaze because the chat realized how manipulative he was. He said i could join the chat again if i wanted to. So i did.
I was scared. And i was right to be. Not only did i feel even more unwelcome, i felt humiliated. I decided to search for any mentions of me because i was so scared of what they said about me while i was gone.
It was horrible.
They deliberately sought out my blogs and made fun of my art, looked through my vent accounts and called me names because i had beliefs different from theirs, said i always made them uncomfortable, and at some point bip himself tried to word his statements as if i forced him to send pictures. he pretended he didn’t consent to it.
Bip had apologized to me for the shit they did the day i looked through those messages. I feel sick just thinking about this.
I got so upset that i left again and blocked everyone associated with it. I vowed never to return to them again. I’d rather die than have to deal with them. I always felt unwelcome and hated when i was in that chat. I always felt like the people wanted to hurt me and wanted me to die.
They did. They said i should just die.
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Has anyone ever told you that you looked like a celebrity?
yes. but its never ever ever been even close to accurate lol
When was the last time you got something done to your hair?
i dyed it and chopped it a little this week.
Do you have any change on you right now?
no
What color is the pillowcase(s) on your bed?
i have like 200 pillows on my bed you would need to be way more specific.
Do you have a favorite day of the week?
i like fridays.
Cutting your hair extremely short, would you do it?
ive done it before but aside from an illness i don’t think I’d go shorter than a bob.
Have you ever been in an art show?
yes
Would you considered yourself to be well-exposed to life or sheltered?
probably more on the sheltered side
How high is your pain tolerance?
high. I’ve been sick all my life so it takes a lot to get my threshold bothered.
If you're in a relationship, how long have you been dating?
uhhh two weeks!
Have you ever played the game Halo?
just for a few minutes.
Are you wearing any jewellry at the moment?
i had to check but no lol
Is there a sport that you love to play?
volleyball probably the most.
Has anything made you sad in the past 48 hours?
yes. mostly just losing K.
Have you ever had to learn lines for a play/skit/movie?
many times. I grew up acting and was in a lottttt of plays.
Do you like your nose?
im not bothered by it. It has a very specific shape, but its not obnoxious in any way. I like it fine. but it doesnt match any nose ive seen so im always a little skeptical.
Is there a hair color you prefer on the opposite sex?
no, i dont care what color your hair is.
Kissing someone with facial hair, do you mind?
the only time im bothered is if its super long or if their upper lip hair is hitting their lip that bothers me.
Would you ever like to be a stunt person?
nope. no thanks.
Are you a pyromaniac?
not even a little. i was pretty heavily burned as a child
How soon is your birthday?
umm let me ask google. 145 days
Are you one of those people who listen to songs on repeat?
chyea! if its good.
Can any of your friends sing very well?
em can but wouldn’t admit it.
Would you ever enter any kind of pageant?
Nope
Do you have piano fingers?
no. i dont know what that is but no.
What is your preferred curse word?
i dont cuss
When someone's drunk, the truth comes spilling out, correct?
sometimes! i know the times ive been tipsy ive been inclined to speak freely lol
Have you ever shouted something random at someone out a car window?
no
Have you ever slept on a beach?
yes
Would you like to be taller?
no, im tall enough lol
Are you a fan of piercings on the opposite sex?
tbh, no.
Have you ever listened to Celtic music?
yes and it is not my thing
Do you enjoy making up words?
lol sure
Have you ever been attacked by an animal?
yes as a kid my friend at the time had a REALLY awful beagle.
Do you have sympathy for hobos?
i dont like that name but anyone who has fallen on tough times i have sympathy for.
Who did you dance with last?
uhhhhh mom.
When holding hands, do you intertwine fingers?
usually yes. i once dated a guy who had really thick fingers (he was always working construction so his hands were ginormous) and he would tell me my hands were too big to fit into his which made me super self conscious of handholding. but not anymore.
Do you have an old pair of pyjamas that you just can't throw away?
lol ugh yes.
Is there a movie that makes you cry every single time you watch it?
ps i love you
Do you ever talk to the TV?
sure!
What's your opinion on Johnny Depp?
i think hes talented. but he is not my style of actor.
Have you ever watched the Tudors?
no
Can you speak in different accents?
not accurately or for a long time. though, that doesnt stop me from trying anyway sometimes.
Who was the last person you mocked/mimicked?
mom and i do this all the time to each other.
If you write, isn't writer's block the most horrible thing?
when that happened for school it was TERRIBLE.
Can you sew or knit?
yes!
Do you have a favorite pair of jeans?
frig yeah. im debating wearing them tomorrow but its going to be warm out for one day before we get hit HARD with 10 inches of snow the following day. so i might wear a dress tomorrow just to spice things up.
What size shirt do you normally wear?
whatever is largest. even tho im smaller on top i just prefer my tops large. my stomach always bothers me.
Has anyone ever aimed a gun at you?
so unsuccessfully yes. My dad loaded his gun for me.
Do you think it's possible for a person to be fearless?
yes. you can have a damaged amygdala and genuinely have no fear factor. its incredibly dangerous.
Do you know anyone who doesn't seem to have a conscience?
i do not know a genuine sociopath, no.
What is the first letter of the person's name you last kissed?
Z
Do you use myspace for following celebrities, and facebook for friends?
lol wut. no. i don’t use either.
Have you ever written a song?
no
Do you believe their is life on other planets?
there*. perhaps! I think it is wildly inappropriate to put God in a box and say it is impossible.
If you think about the universe long enough, it's baffling isn't it?
its absolutely mind boggling.
When was the last time you fell?
a couple days ago. my joints are super weak from lupus and my ankle gave out.
Would you consider yourself to be poor, middle class, or rich?
Middle class as a family. as an individual, quite poor.
Are you a fan of Christian Bale?
i liked him in batman. Idk his other works.
Do you have any sort of debt?
student loans. i literally just need them gone. gotta start paying on them this week.
Is there an accent you prefer?
british is nice, southern, australian, NZ’n, idk
Have you spoken to the person you love today?
love is an interesting word
Would you ever travel to Los Angeles?
uhhh maybe. My brother works out near there and he says its not a safe place to be right now
Have you ever been through a natural disaster?
yes! 2 earthquakes, 1 tornado, 2 blizzards, 1 arctic vortex, 2 floodings, 1 hurricane lol
Is there a specific time period that interests you?
omg so many times. the 50s. the 20s. austen time.
Do any of your friends own an expensive car?
my boyfriend has a sports car which i would imagine is pretty expensive.
Have you ever been on a train?
many times.
Is there a memory that embarasses you to think about?
oh sure. plenty.
Have you ever used different colored paper clips?
of course
Where exactly are you right now?
I’m in bed.
Don't you admire those people who know exactly what they want to do?
i do but also i kinda think they might not be telling the truth
Is there a guy you can talk to about anything?
that used to be K.
Have you ever been in a parade?
No.
Would you ever consider being a news reporter?
nope
Are you, or anyone you know, an atheist?
people i know are. i am not.
Has anyone ever told you to "get a grip"?
uhhhhhhh when i was a kid -- which btw is an incredibly inappropriate way to teach kids about emotions but hey.
Do people say you look your age? Or younger or older?
typically younger. idk if thats accurate.
Have you ever sent a celebrity fan mail?
no
Do you ever have those days where you feel you're the ugliest person ever?
yes. its usually about my weight. which is so dumb.
Beauty is both external and internal, correct?
it should be internal.
Have you ever been in a musical?
yea
When was the last time you swam in a pool?
gosh.. so long ago. i miss it SO bad.
Is there a friend's family that makes you feel like you're family too?
yes
How do you know someone is your best friend?
i think when its like.. you know you both have shared so much about yourselves and youre still like TELL ME MORE. or when you feel comfortable enough around them. you just get one another. when you get news and youre instantly like “OMG I GOTTA TELL _______”.
When was the last time you used a highlighter?
doing my Bible study about a week ago.
Has a flashlight ever ran out batteries on you in the dark?
Yes. but i was only in a fort in my living room so it was nbd.
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{Special} College!AU Jae
major: communications - rhetoric concentration
minor: philosophy (not going well for him)
sports: n/a
clubs: debate team, writes for the art journal, in a couple of on-campus bands but is mostly active with a group called night6
“bro, why aren’t you a music major?”
“easy. i love getting into arguments with people.”
so a lot of people don’t know much about tall, lanky, otherwise unthreatening looking jae
and that’s the fact that he can run his mouth a mile a minute, and quite frankly, he loves doing that
got called out on twitter for abusing the 280 character limit
by called out i mean youngk started a poll to get jae blocked by twitter - it didn’t work but it was hilarious
asked his friend jamie once “hey, if i send in my grades - will they verify me on instagram?”
she wasn’t amused
he originally thought taking philosophy would just mean more time to debate others, but socrates ??? what was that dude even saying??? why are all his words so Complicated
like jae is all for that know thyself but damn,,,,,
he wants to go into law after school,,,,or more specifically public policy and stuff. he might act silly and make sarcastic jokes the core of his personality - but jae cares about things
he cares about people and the world deeply, enough that he’s agitated by unjustice
even if he’s gotten excused from “discourses on colonialism” like five times for cursing out christopher columbus
he loves music a lot, probably has the most diverse taste in it though - so people are always asking him for reccommendations
knows like,,,,,every local band playing in bars near campus,,,
night6 is a small band gotten together by jae and his closes friends, their unofficial manager is jamie who always puts up a fuss about them not playing venues worth their talent
but tbh jae loves it, the stage
small or big, playing guitar or arguing over texts - he just likes the spotlight
even if his rather shy, nerdy apperance says otherwise
he probably owns like one hundred of the same pair of wide-framed glasses because he thinks they make him look the best
also once he worse dark ones and wonpil was like “you look like a blind mouse”
always chilling outside of class, guitar case slung over his shoulder and notebook in hand, listening to some indie album no one has ever heard of
has messy hair, but a super clean dorm (sungjin really doesn’t know why his dorm is the only thing jae keeps organized in his life)
and you’ve actually known jae for a while, since middle school actually,,,
in high school you two even briefly dated, after years of friendship it had all come to a point where you’d kissed at some after party dance
and you and jae were sure you were soulmates, both music obsessed and enjoying good banter
but,,,,,,,,,it didn’t last long,,,,,,,,,because well because you ended it
there had been too much going on, too many uncertain futures and jae had still been a teenager - unaware that his jokes had a time and a place
and when you were in peril, you didn’t want his sarcastic commentary,,,,you wanted the jae behind that
the jae that had held you in his arms like you were the most treasured source of light in his life and if he were to let go he’d be shrouded in darkness forever
but he hadn’t been that,,,and you didn’t know if he still had it in him
you guys didn’t talk much after, you didn’t know he even ended up at the same college as you until you see him talking with a jamie outside of debate club
and you wouldn’t have gone over, if it hadn’t have been for jamie spotting you and waving you over
she held your arm excitedly, asking if you know jae and if you can still make it to the concert she’d invited you tonight
all too quick did it dawn that this was jae’s concert,,,,
“im happy you still play guitar.”
you whispered and jamie’s excitement buzzed between the weird atmosphere of you and jae
he smiled, but it was half-hearted
“im happy you’re doing well.”
the concert was,,,,just as you expected - in a dark, dingy bar full of drunk undergrads
jae’s band was playing, and you could vaguely recognize youngk who also went to high school with you two
the setlist was a whole bunch of songs you’d never head before - and you couldn’t believe that you felt your heart twist when you couldn’t even recognize one
a memory of you and jae, sitting in his garage when you were just sixteen played like an old film in your head
he had been a tiny bit shorter than he was now, and his handsome sharp features were awkward
but you had felt nothing short of true, pure love back then
because jae was sharing his songs with you, reaching out to take your hand and help you play chords
laughing sweetly against your ear and making everything else float away
he had been close, so so close
but now, you were at the other end of the room and he was playing something unfamiliar and his eyes hadn’t met yours the entire night,,
clutching your untouched beer once more, you pushed it away and made your way to jamie who stood at the edge of the stage recording the performance
“just got a text from my RA, im gonna go ok?”
she nodded, turning to smile and mouth a goodbye
as you turned, your back to the stage as you fought through the people to the exit
jae’s eyes flicked from his mic to the shadow of your figure
i won’t miss them. ive missed them for far too long
he thought, but somehow he knew he was lying to himself. like he’d lied to himself when you broke up with him.
after that, you and jae kept your distances
jamie had tried to invite you to more of night6′s shows - but you made up excuses
she probed and jae to tell her how you two knew each other, but he always answered in one word or two
“school” “same neighborhood” “don’t remember”
but he did - he remembered everything, even the things that hurt the most
how you weren’t a,,,,,,sun kind of person,,,,you were more like the moon - gentle, but unforgettable
you were the first person to tell jae he didn’t have to be whatever other people wanted him to be
you were the first person he really,,,,kissed,,,,really touched
there was so much about you - small facts and habits that he knew that suddenly flooded back in waves after seeing you at his concenrt
that he couldn’t sleep for hours,,,,,laid in bed and stared into the dark, listening to youngk’s small snores and stirs and thought
about the color of your eyes, the slope of your neck, your words - “jae, you weren’t there for me. i needed you and you just - you just -”
both you and jae know that staying away is the only thing that can keep you two on track, and the university is a big place it isn’t that hard to avoid crossing paths
but fate is mysterious and sometimes you can’t control where two people end up
it’s late when you leave the bookstore - you’re supposed to take your bike back to campus but ,,,,,,,, it’s gone
you stare at the pole you attached it to, but,,,,,,,it’s not there
the only thing remaining is the broken lock laying helplessly on the ground and as you squat down to pick it up
you try to reason with yourself - so what if it got stolen,,,,it was old,,,,,
but biting back your lip, you clutch the lock in hand and think that there must be a bus nearby,,,,a metro station?
“stolen bike? tough luck!”
a voice says from behind you
“people are really dropping to new lows these days, like dude just go get a used bike they’re like thirty bucks.”
the voice is familiar and you want to tell yourself that no, there’s no way
but when you turn, jae is there and his look of amusement washes into something between shock and regret
“oh,,,,hey.”
you swallow, hiding the lock completely in your hand and trying to tell yourself to just act normal - like you guys are just clasmates - not friends, but not strangers
“hey, it,,,it’s funny right.”
you mean the bike, but jae’s tone of humor is gone. his eyes fixate on your hand and you see them do a small twitch, a habit he’s had since you knew him
“im,,,,about to drive back to campus. do you want a ride?”
of all the things in world you shouldn’t agree to, a one-on-one late night drive with your ex has to be up there
but you’re,,,,not in the mood to wander around looking for your stolen bike or any other way to get back to school
plus saying no,,,,would just seem like you were making things weird and you didn’t want to make things weird
so forcing the best smile you can you nod, “tha-that’d be great, but i hope it’s not a bother.”
jae shakes his head, the unkept bangs fall over his glasses and when he turns you take in the lines of his jaw and nose
since you’ve last seen him, he’s grown
and you were always charmed by his physical appearance, but now he wasn’t just cute - he was truly an adult
with big shoulders and prominent angles that made something stir within you
something you pleaded with to calm down - to not cloud your better judgment
jae’s car was familiar, it had belonged to his father when you were in high school and jae had stolen it once to drive you two to the city once,,,
you’d never made it - turning around halfway there because the sun was rising and instead stopping off the road to watch it
he had held your hand back then, brought it up to his lips and kissed it
he’d gotten grounded when he drove back, coming into school laughing about it at your locker
now, you were sitting beside him in the passenger seat and it was silent - pitch black outside aside from the flickering of stop lights and buildings
and you could hear your breathing, the beating of your heart and how it got just a bit faster when jae put his hand on the headrest of your seat while backing up out of the parking space
neither of you spoke, he didn’t even play music which was odd
it was horrible - suffocating
until finally you had had enough and leaned forward to press play on the car radio
“don’t-” jae began, but it was too late
the CD inside started playing - the sound of jae’s young voice speaking your name
“-this is a playlist just for you. it has all our songs on it, the one we kissed to and all the corny good stuff. the first one’s the one i wrote for you. don’t laugh at it, ok? you better not laugh.”
jae stopped it before the song could play, but you already knew what it was
this was the playlist jae had made for you after you guys started dating. you’d given the CD back when you broke up,,,but why was he listening to it now?
you wanted to ask, but something kept you from it
“im sorry. this is awkward.” you whisper
“are you sorry that this situation is awkward or are you saying apologizing is awkward?”
you grimace at that, there he goes - always politicking always,,,saying what you wish he wouldn’t
jae seems to feel you tense and sighs
“sorry,,,,sorry,,,,i still haven’t learned to watch my mouth. but,,,,im sorry too. i wish,,,,,,,,we didn’t have to be like this.”
there’s pain in his voice and it almost breaks you - but you understand what he means
sitting back against the seat, you turn to face the window just because you don’t know what to say
you’re so scared of this fragile line you and jae are walking
because every moment with him feels like you’re re-living those good memories from before
but you’re also thinking about the moment you chose to abandon all that
jae doesn’t bother you, he seems to be in the same limbo of feelings too the whole drive back
but what’s weird is that when you pull into the parking lot, you both sit there in the car - not sure who should move first
“part of me regrets it.”
you breath and clench your teeth as you speak
jae’s eyes stay on the dashboard
“part of me regrets breaking up with you, because i did it so trivially - i just snapped under pressure and thought that you couldn’t give me what i wanted and jae -”
you feel his gaze finally settle on you
and his eyes aren’t those of the teenage boy you were in love with, they’re of someone matured and ready to be serious
“jae everything back then was so ,,,, fucked.”
you don’t even realize it, maybe because it’s the earth’s magnetic force or your own instincts as people, but you and jae are coming closer
till his strong hands have you in a hug, uncomfortable because of your positions in the car, but so inviting and warm
protective ,,,,, the kind of hug you needed back then but also the kind of hug you craved for even now
“i was still a kid, i didn’t know what to do. but ive grown, and i can be there now.”
his voice sounds deeper, closer against the shell of your ear and your grip on him tightens
“have you been remembering ,,,,,, us?” you as with a shiver down your spine as jae nuzzles his face into your neck
“yes. i remember,,,,,,everything.”
that night, neither of you can go back to your dorms
you and jae walk the campus, still and untouched in the night and hold hands
you feel his long fingers entwine with yours and it’s embarrassing the thought that runs through your head
you’ve only just,,,,gotten close again - you can’t rush
and when you and jae talk,,,,,because years have passed and you’re not lost teens with too much adrenaline and misconceptions about the world you realize you’re both in places where,,,,,,,having each other
it would be nice. really nice
you fall asleep against his shoulder in the backseat of his car, his hoodie that he shrugs off is your blanket and nothing really happens but physical closeness and content
that your past is put to rest,,,,and you could find each other again
when you wake up, jae says he’s late for his class but he didn’t want to move and wake you
you poke him playfully, tell him that was dumb but jae just smiles and gropes around for his glasses on the car floor
he walks you to your dorm, and tells you to keep the hoodie
you walk a little bit up the stairs, just two or three before you’re at a height where you can lean over and kiss his forehead
and its,,,,,,,,,childish,,,,,giddiness that fills you two up even though you’re not kids anymore
the word dating doesn’t really come up till a couple of weeks after that, when jamie runs into you and jae at the cafe - jae is mocking one of the philosophers he has to read for class and you’ve got your legs thrown over his
“sooooo you’re a couple now? honestly, you’re too good for jae!”
jamie comments, throwing an arm around you as she plops down at the table
she steals some of your coffee and jae rolls his eyes at her - asks her to let go of you, his significant other
and jamie just huffs, because she had you first
it’s a joke between friends, but you do have to put an end to it before someone gets some kind of food chucked at them
when jamie hops off to join kevin for studying, you look over at jae and smile
“so, it’s official - we gotta im your’s, you’re mine kinda thing?”
he grins, cheesy and the like and kisses your lips
“yep, better tell youngk to give up on that longtime crush he’s been having”
“oh hush, he doesn’t like me”
jae shakes his head, “i meant the one he’s had on me, obviously since im taken now.”
and don’t get me wrong, jae is still the sarcastic lil shit he’s always been - with a humor that borderlines annoying but that is still loveable
because he’s learned to scale it back, and he’s learned how to be a shoulder for you to lean on
just like you’re always ready to be there for him
whether it be supporting him at local band shows, wiping sweat off his face after a long set
to helping him stay up and finish his philosophy papers - wikipedia articles and all
“those glasses make you look like a bug my dude”
youngk snarks one afternoon as you’re all eating lunch and jae untangles his arms from your waist to flick his best friend on the forehead
“hey, he’s a cute bug youngk - don’t be jealous”
you chime in, taking a bite of your food and lifting the chopsticks up again to feed jae
youngk makes a hacking noise at the affection, but both and jae stick your tongues out at him
you’re always surprised by the minimalism of jae’s dorm, just his bed, his desk, and his guitar
even youngk has more than him, and you insist he decorate - give it some flavor
so jae hangs up a photo of you guys with tape and is like “i put up the most important photo i could find!”
you blush, but then you’re like “no, no we need one more.”
he tilts his head and you go “your mom. get a photo of her up there too you dweeb”
he claps his hands together and goes “you’re totally right!”
sometimes he’ll call you petnames in korean and you’re like,,,tell me what it means or im bringing back the infamous chicken little jokes LOL
he’s so tall, that all his clothing has to be a size too large so it’ll be long enough
but this is great for you, endless baggy shirts and sweaters and flannels
and sweater paws that make jae fawn over you - or pout and go “give that back, i was gonna wear it to class!”
you and jamie are the first proud owners of night6 t-shirts
sungjin sometimes asks you if jae,,,,is like,,,,just like that
and you’re like ?? what do you mean
and sungjin is like - is he just you know,,,,,,always talking
you: no there’s an off button, wanna see?
sungjin: please show me go
you: ok, here goes
and all you have to do is tap jae’s shoulder and wag with your finger for him to lean down
you kiss him, all cute and soft - leaving jae in a happy daze while throwing the peace sign up at sungjin who looks equally shocked and equally disappointed
there’s a week where youngk goes away on a research trip with his fellow majors
and you and jae literally just turn the dorm into your own little apartment for the whole time, you never leave and you guys eat on youngk’s bed to avoid crumbs in jae’s
watching youtube video together, listening to jae write and practice, joking about how you guys have to wait past midnight to shower together
it’s a week of just,,,,being domestic - and honestly you could get used to it,,,,
the last night you have “youngk free” as jae calls it, you’re laying beside jae and his hair is still slightly wet from his shower
he’s playing some game on his phone, arm still wrapped around you when you get that feeling in your stomach
and sit up, carefully removing the photographt of jae’s mother from his wall and placing it face down on his desk
“what’s up-”
he starts, but you throw a leg over his thighs and straddle his waist
jae’s eyes turn wide, and then haze over when you pull off his glasses and chuck his phone onto youngk’s bed
leaning in, jae taste faintly of mint and his large hand splays over your lower back
you two fit together - and it’s like the temperature in the room climbs up ten degrees
jae sits up, you slide into his lap easily and there’s kissing, small sounds, and a lot of his hands everywhere
his body isn’t too muscular, it’s long and lean and he has the right amount of strength to support whatever you have for him
and everything is close to perfect, but the small bumps of your noses and apologizes about marks left on necks just add to the overall naturality of being with him
“im blessed, im so blessed to have you”
is said somewhere afterwords, in the fall of bliss
and your heavy eyelids are kissed as you two fall asleep
youngk gets back early, and isn’t surprised to see you in the dorm collecting your things and taping the photo of jae’s mother back on the wall
you wave goodbye and when jae looks at youngk he grins “how was your trip?”
“just tell me you guys didnt’,,,,,not in my bed right?”
jae is not poetic when he talks, but he has a talent with lyrics and wonpil is sure some of his softer, more romantic ones are about you
jae refuses to acknowledge this, but the moment you’re around - sitting on his lap and playing with his hair or just giving him a kiss on the neck
wonpil is sure what’s written on jae’s face is pure adoration
you and jae debate on everything in a joking, couple kind of way but you do get competitive over some things
like which song is better or whose better at pokemon
and everyone thinks your twitter rants about each other are hilarious
you and jae can’t stay mad at each other for too long though - you both miss kissing each other more
jae is never amused at you asking him to get things off the top shelves in the libarary
but then again, you’re so freaking cute he does it anyway
“you’re mi amor”
“is that all the spanish you know?”
“i was born in argentina, but i didn’t really live there for too long - don’t sass me”
you and jae are voted cutest couple by the journal he sometimes writes for and youngk is like the votes are rigged but they’re not yall just too sweet to handle
more college aus can be found:
by group: bangtan | vixx | got7 | nct | kard | monsta x | seventeen
gg specials: amber | momo | irene
#day6#day6 scenarios#day6 imagines#day6 au#park jaehyung#day6 jae#jae scenarios#jae imagines#jae au#i don't care that he had another major in college or that he's supposed to love music i love argumentative jae LOL#College!AU#college day6#day6 jae scenarios#idk how else to tag this
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Man, god, im just suddenly thinking about "ak/ur/oku" and like.. How the fuck did that even become such a huge thing in early 2000s fandom? Dear god so much early gay shipping in fandom was super unhealthy "sinful" bullshit made by straight people for fetishy purposes rather than genuine representation. But a/kurok/u was such a weird one because it was like.. Just globally accepted and never aknowledged to be problematic?? Man i still remember how lil 13 year old me didnt know there was anything wrong with it, like seriously when stuff like this becomes popularized it ends up sending bad messages to actual queer youth. Learning about your sexuality via the internet cos there's no sex ed irl for you, abd you end up stumbling into toxic fandoms before you have the critical thinking skills necessary to know that this stuff is bad and shouldnt be imitated. Like seriously one of the things i worry about EVERY NIGHT AT 2AM THAT KEEPS ME FROM SLEEPING is that stupid lil 15 year old me made a post on deviantart going like "are pedophiles really all bad? I mean it sounds like an illness. I mean maybe theyre just scared and they want help." Like im terrified constantly that someone will find that old thing and judge me as if i still believe that apologist crap, or as if it was actually an opinion i formed from a fully developed mind, rather than from a kid who (as far as i knew) had never met a pedophile, thinking about pedophiles in the abstract, while being influenced by fuckin pedophile-dominated fandoms and having NO IDEA. and of cooooourse i wanted to believe that i was mature for my age, i thought that was a compliment.. Uuuuugh...
Sorry, going a little offtopic there.
But anyway isnt it kinda weird how akur/oku was just.. Not even regarded as pedophilia? And when i was a kid it wasnt just me not understanding the gross parts of the fandom, i legit never thought axel was that much older than roxas. And it was one of the more popular gay ships cos at that point as far as we knew it was the only person axel had any sort of backstory with, and he cared so much about this guy that he was willing to sacrifice his life to help sora even when he knew roxas would never come back. At the time without further context it seemed like a reasonable assumption to make? And it wasnt until Days that i realized axel was intended to be an adult rather than a teenager, and even worse A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO MADE THAT SHIPPING ART KNEW THAT. Uuugh it was so gross in retrospect to go back and see all the clues i missed that these people were fetishizing roxas's inexperience and veey much writing him as underage. AAAAAAA!
Anyway im glad that shit is now recognized as shit and now we have canon evidence of this dude being old as balls. And honestly i love the relationship of him as a big brother/dad to roxas and xion a lot more, even though as a kid i was desperate for any kind of queer representation in kh. Like.. I never really actually liked the ship that much or felt any chemistry? I just latched onto a few bad writing flubs that could potentially be interpreted as Gay Evidence because i was SO damn desperate! Like i felt like i had to support all these gross abusive ships in fandom cos if i wasnt then i was being 'homophobic', i mean they were THE ONLY AVAILABLE OPTIONS, right? :( Its only now ive grown up i can see how wrong that was, and how people just used it as an excuse to make gross shit and get away with it. Like how in Black Butler all these 'yaoi fangirls' kept erasing the rarest of rare things, a canon trans woman, because 'its sexier if its gay'. Ughhhh. And seriously that discourse still exists for poor Grell, and there's still a lot of these shitty bigoted people pretending to be allies, but like seriously this was EVERYWHERE in 2005! And lgbt rights and even lgbt communities at all were way smaller and less available to the poor teenagers who really needed that positive influence while they were figuring out who they are. So man the abusive side of yaoi fandom was WAY more powerful, and wya more.mainstream, with barely any criticism. And the whole content of this fandom was creepy fuckin adults making pedo porn, and kids who just discovered they were queer and tried to headcanon their favourote characters as being like them. Fucking predator heaven! So yeh that ruined KH for me and definately made me scared of returning to Black Butler for almost a decade. And then i found out that the manga itself has none of that pedo shit and that one of the fandom's biggest abusive gay man archetypes was actually a trans woman this entire time, and just gahhhhh....
Also like seriously this is a tad offtopic but can we kill the anime trope of either everyone looking young or everyone looking old? Or creepy things where just one character looks the wrong age in order to fetishize pedophilia? I dont think kingdom hearts was one of those intentional ones, like i mean there's super bad shit where its like 'this 5 year old looking person is really 9000 years old/actually 18 and just hasnt had their growth spurt yet' (somehow its even more insulting when theres not even a magical excuse) Or the other way around and we have a character thats canonically underage but drawn looking sexually mature with big ol knockers so its somehow okay. The existence of those horrible things is why i end up feeling uncomfortable even seeing ambiguous ages as just a trope in completely innocent anime, yknow? Like in pokemon and digimon all the 10 year old protagonists are exactly the same height as all the adults, and all the female love interests for ash have to be early bloomers in terms of chest and hips, while notably Iris is the only one who actually looks her age and also the first non love interest. Its another reason why i prefer the new art style for the latest season, they make everyone look like kids and Lillie continues to look like a kid even though she's the main girl and has all the cute scenes with Ash. The girls even got very normal looking kiddy swimsuits in the beach episode! Why is that so uncommon, to find the bare minimum thing of underage kids not being sexualized at the beach??
Soooooo yeah, thats at least part of why kid me thought axel and roxas were within a similar age range. Like i thought roxas was maybe 16 and axel was 18?? Somehow?? I dont even know, kingdom hearts isnt even SUPER bad with the 'kids look like older teens,all adults look like age 20 at the most' anime syndrome. Its probably more because id been raised on games and anime that followed that trope, before i played kh. And as a kid you just dont really know the exact differences between 'old', like i mean i knew teenagers were tall and boys get a growth spurt, so somehow it made sense to me that axel could be the same age as roxas?? And man even if i knew he wasnt, i was barely educated at all about pedophilia and i didnt know the nuances of it. I just knew 'its bad for adults to marry kids' like man i was really behind the curve in general learning due to my undiagnosed autism and abusive parenting so like HERE'S 12 YEAR OLD ME NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THE SEX ASPECT. And i didnt know that adults in relationships with teenagers was bad too, or like 16/17 year old teens dating kids... I was so fuckin dumb... I really cant believe that not only did i believe stupid adults saying 'pedophilia isnt bad if you're non offending, its okay to make cartoon child porn as long as you dont physically abuse real kids' but also i somehow just DID NOT EVER REALIZE that axel was an adult and roxas wasnt even a goddamn older teen...
So yeh im making a lot of excuses for why my stupid younger self was blindly parroting bullshit, but im not trying to excuse how goddamn wrong and bad it was. I still wake up ashamed in the middle of the night for crapoy decisions i made as a dumb kid, and in terrified that some shreds of it might still exist out there on the internet and maybe someone else could read it?! Gahhhh! Seriously could i have accidentally helped spread that bullshit brainwashing to other kids? And seriously when people say this shit is harmless they just need to look at this, look at how being into problematic yaoi is such a common 'phase' for ACTUAL CHILDREN. Like its not fuckin NATURAL for kids to fall into this stuff, they do it because they dont know any better but the people making the goddamn founding blocks of the fandom are fuckin grown women fetishizing gay men or grown men fetishing lesbians. There's people who do know better who actually conciously decide that a/kurok/u is a good ship while knowing all the goddamn details of what it actually is and exactly what theyre supporting by shipping it. Ughhhhh!
So yeh fuckin Please Stay Safe In Fandom, Kids
And pedophiles have absolutely none of my sympathy, please ignore that goddamn shit i wrote as a little kid being fuckin groomed by a fandom without even knowing it.
This also applies a lot to the rest of LGBT+ aside from just gay shipping, like seriously it took me til age 18 to find any positive representation of trans people or even a proper explanation of what being trans is, yet before i was even 8 years old i'd seen a million 'lol gross man in a dress who gets sexual gratification from wearing women's underwear' jokes in kids shows. And when i was 12 i'd already been exposed to the fuckin hell of m/pre/g thanks to its prevelance of untagged n/sf/w shit in the kh fandom. And by age 15 i'd been exposed to pedophile apologists arguing whether child porn was okay if they only got off to that and didnt personally abuse that kid with their own hands. All of that shit but actually learning about homosexuality and gender in sex ed would have been 'too much' for someone my age...
God what a fuckin mess. Fuck im really really fuckin worried that any of my ignorant comments at those ages could have been read by other ignorant kids and contributed to that disgusting fandom atmosphere. Fuck i think about this so damn often im so damn ashamed of how ignorant i used to be yet i know the adult fuckfaces making pedo shit never reel one lick of shame any damn day of their life. I used to excuse their shit as an actual kid cos i just ASSUMED they would be ashamed and want to seek help! Gahhhh..
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It makes me sad seeing the big difference in likes to reblogs on artists pieces. Its like people only really listen when they start to beg or ask for it. Especially since it both helps share artists works and motivate them because people like their work enough to show it to others.
Personally, i dont care about 100 or 1000 notes likes or reblogs. Im fine with the few people who even show up on my blog. But thinking about some of the art i posted and how rushed it feels, just kinda hit me.
(Vent starts under the cut because i dont want people to feel sorry for me)
Ive been really tired and demotivated lately, and ive been pushing away things i enjoy. Drawing and writing comforts me, but ive barely been able to pick up a pencil. A lot of is stress and anxiety of all the other stuff going on in my life. Sometimes maybe once a month id get a comment on a story i made on wattpad. Even though ive abandoned those stories because im not doing good mentally, people comment saying they liked it. I dropped CL because i dont associate with the fandom of the game its based on anymore. I let everyone know through an a/n and got a lot of support even saying i was good telling people why i had to leave it instead of just going on a silent ‘hiatus’.
The only thing ive been able to do is a small passion project so to speak. Its about my hc of samekh being a nomad from journey and lamed studying about the other side of the mountain. It makes me happy and it just feels really good writing again. I know if i share it now while its still in progress, ill drop it just like everything else i made out of love. The thing is, i create stuff because it makes me happy, happy enough that i want everyone to know. But when i publish it for everyone, it puts this pressure on me. Like i HAVE to continue because if i dont ill be letting so many people down. Im still struggling with the mentality that if i cant provide anything, im not worth anything. I can never handle anything under that kind of stress. So out of fear, i let go of the thing that makes me happy so i wont feel forced to continue.
I can never force myself for others. Knowing its specifically for someone just makes me worry. What if its not good enough? What if they hate it? What if what if what if. It just puts me in this horrible writers block that crushes me until i just stop. If i dont do the thing stressing me out, i wont feel that worthlessness and fear.
Im sorry, i didnt mean to go off about myself. Please dont try to comfort me. I dont want you to feel like you have to.
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this is thus far thte worst fucking december. i got laid off my job, the job ive been pouring my heart and soul into to keep improving and getting better at. retail is fucking hard but i never imagined working in my dream store being this soul wrenching lmao? i would die for the store i work for and the staff bc its an amazing place but they laid me off for two weeks during christmas bc i make too many mistakes. im not mad at them, but i am. it was embarrassing. they let me walk into my shift with my branded hat and my fucking coffee like everything was normal and then they sent me out in a cab while i sobbed. laid off during christmas. i thought i was doing so well there, turns out im an inconvenience and nothing i do is enough. im sure they had logical reasons to get rid of me for a bit but it furcking hurt. i keep replaying that afternoon in my head, its fucking haunting me. i cant sleep at all. my insomnia came back because of this. i keep replaying what happened in my head and i cant stand to be alone riht now but of course everyone is busy or has to workl. so im home alone with my thoughts.
not to mention my brain picked this week and the past week of all times to have the worst art block ive had in a while. that probablt doesnt sound like it should be that agonizing btu i truly dont know who or what i am without my art to do. and thats the proble,m , ive been having such a big fucking identity crisis for the past two months that im paralyzed mentally. i cant do anything anymore without feeling like im lying to myself and everyone around me. cant think about my hair, my clothes, what i say or how i act, my art, i cant do anything. everything i do feels like a lie. a stupid, vicious lie that i keep changing every day just to get by. i cant just have no name and not exist to anyone. im sick of this body, of myself, im sick of my room. im sick of my art. im done being me, i dont even know who it is thats in the mirror when i look. i want so desperately to just fucking make sense to myself. i want so badly to feel like i know myself. i dont know a fucking thing about myself now more than ever. it doesnt matter how drastically i change my hair, nothing i can do makes me happy anymore. no change makes me feel anything. im incapable of doing anything else, all i can think about doing is self destructive acts to just make me feel SOMETHING for once. even if its pain or hate i just want to feel somethgin strongly so i know im not completely desensitized to everything the world has. im fuckign tired of feeling empty and dead because nothing i do moves me or makes me feel like they should. i buzzed my fucking hair all off this month. i would have been happy if it had made me horribly upset. it would have been somethign. but no, i just shrug at anything i do to myself. none of it is enough. theres nothing drastic enough i could do to make my brain react. nothing is solid. im fucking nothing. i have nothing to my identity, im nothing. im replaceable. im tired of this existence. im sick of me. nothing is in my grasp. i cant stand it. i cant even make art about it. everything i make nowadays is mediocre to me, it makes me want to vomit. im disgusted by myself. i cant stand me. this is the only place i have to fuckin yyell about it. if anyone who read this far could just fucking shoot me or somethgin and let my life be replaced by someone else who will be better that would probably be best.
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