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hysteria-things · 3 months

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can u do a story of like chris sturnolio being a dad ??

UNEXPECTED TURNS

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: dad!chris x reader

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: at first, you were devastated to find out that you were pregnant at this age. now, realization hits and turns out it’s not so bad for not only you; but chris too.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: FLUFFY, angst in the beginning, flashbacks, panic attack

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 760

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: IVE BEEN WAITING FOR A REQUEST LIKE THIS I FIND THESE SO CUTE!

was gonna save this for another day but i’m too impatient LMAO

i’m trying to get through my inbox so there should be lots to come! hope you like it anon :)

*flashback*

‘pregnant’

you read the word at least ten times on the test in your violently shaking hand.

a sob leaves your throat as you tremble. “no.” you choke out.

you try your best to grab your phone and text chris, your boyfriend. you need him here, and you need him here now.

“y/n?” his voice echoes through the house. you steadied your breathing, but you’re still a trembling and crying mess on the bathroom floor.

you hear footsteps coming up the steps. “y/n?” he calls out again.

he runs over to the bathroom door and opens it. the panic shoots through your body again when you see him, and you breathe heavily. “i’m sorry.” you say between sobs.

chris worries all over his face. he kneels to you to take your shaky hands in his. “sorry about what? oh my god, what happened?”

you point to the counter where the test is. he knits his eyebrows together and grabs it off the countertop. he scans over it for a few beats before looking into your crying eyes.

he sets the test down, taking his thumbs and trying his best to rub as many tears away. “i’m sorry.” you repeat.

he brings your head into his chest and tries to shush you. “you have nothing to be sorry about.”

he rubs up and down your body in a soothing motion, whispering in your ear. he rocks you from side to side.

his chin is resting on top of your head. “i’m with you on whatever decision you make. you know that right?” he tells you, kissing your head.

you nod. your ear is on his heartbeat, which is strangely calm. you close your eyes to focus on the rhythm, your breathing steadying along with it.

*9 months later*

tears of joy leave your eyes when the doctor carefully places your daughter in your arms. chris held onto your hand tight the whole birth. he rests his forehead on yours and kisses your nose, then the top of your little girl’s head.

“thank you for giving her to me.” you smile at chris.

“are you kidding? you’re the one that went through hell for nine months.” you and him both chuckle. “you’re a warrior, y/n. don’t ever forget that.”

holding your child for the first time is a different type of love. you never want to let them go.

despite both of you being 20, you know you guys can be the best parents to your baby girl.

*now*

chris sighs when he hears your one-year-old in the pack-and-play he set up in the living room. she’s been crying nonstop.

he gets up from the couch and walks over, leaning to get a better view of her. “what is it, little miss?” he says, reaching into the pack-and-play to pick her up.

she stops her crying to look at her father for a split second, but then goes back to the tantrum. “ma-ma.” she cries.

“your mama is taking a nap. she needs to rest.”

that only makes sadie cry harder, and chris tuts. “let’s take a look outside.”

you guys bought a house during your pregnancy, still close to his and your family. it came with a beautiful backyard.

ever since sadie was born, she has been so fascinated by looking outside. it always worked to calm down her little outbursts.

chris turns so his back is facing the glass door. her head rests on his shoulder as she looks at the summer greenery and flowers. her crying immediately stops, and now she’s doing rapid sniffles.

he rubs her back in a soothing circular motion and rocks from side to side. “i don’t like when you’re this upset, little miss. everything’s okay, i promise.”

her cheek rests on his shoulder, her breathing going back to normal.

when it seems to be a little too quiet, he peeks to look at her face, seeing sadie holding on tight to his arm and sleeping peacefully.

he rolls his eyes but smiles. “so dramatic.” he mumbles. “i wonder who you get it from.”

chris walks the sleeping infant into her nursery to set her down in the crib. before doing so, he kissed her on the cheek.

he stays there to admire what’s in front of him. she most definitely has your face and hair, but she has his blue eyes.

this was not a part of the plan in your relationship; at least not this soon. however, you guys wouldn’t want it any other way.

and that’s the beauty of unexpected turns.

𝐭𝐚𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭!

@bunbunbl0gs @lexisecretaccx @thy-mission @angelic-sturniolos111 @sophssturn @mattsneezing @janiellasblog @blahbel668 @meg-sturniolo @hearts4chris @mattslolita @sturnbaby @imwetforyourmom

#chris sturniolo #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #matthew sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #sturniolo x reader #sturniolo imagine #sturniolo smut #sturniolo fluff #chris sturniolo fanfic #chris sturniolo smut #matt sturniolo fanfic #matt sturniolo smut #sturniolo fanfic #chris sturniolo fluff #matt sturniolo fluff #✎ ⤾ haleigh’s requests!

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taetr4ck · 3 months

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LOVE IN SCRIBBLES — ten things hwang hyunjin writes in his love letters for you

hwang hyunjin x reader, no warnings — heart-wrenching fluff

a/n : FICK IT WE BALL !!!!! hwang hyunjin debut in this account wahoo !!!! i hope yall ENJOY MWAH i love this man sm i wsnna cry

bang chan / minho / changbin / hyunjin / jisung / felix / seungmin / jeongin

i. how are you, my love? i noticed that you’re not quite yourself lately. i hope the world isn’t giving you a hard time.

ii. ah, i can’t seem to sleep properly these days. i always seek your comfort — it’s never been the same since i left you for tour. ah, i can’t wait to come home. i can’t wait to come to my home.

iii. in the past, i used to dream of how to conquer the world. but now, my only dream is to give the world to you.

iv. i still can’t fathom how ravishing you are. ah… it makes my face hot every time i think about it. you must be sculpted by the gods and goddesses, don’t you think..?

v. “i love you to the moon and back.” that was the first time you said i love you to me. i didn’t give it much thought, not until chan-hyung told me that “our heart pumps 2000 gallons of blood a day, which is equivalent to the amount of gasoline it would take to drive to the moon and back.” so you’re saying that you love me every time your heart beats, which is constant..? it made me cry so hard i started to believe in eternal love. it's nice and warm to be loved by you.

vi. i’m so glad we exist at the same time.

vii. i was about to give up on my passion, but you believed in me, so here i am — happier than ever — with a passion that was once almost abandoned.

viii. you are the only muse i would choose to paint for the rest of my life.

ix. “if i had a flower for every thought of you, i could walk through my garden for eternity.” — that was what your drunk self said to me three years ago. it never left my mind since.

x. if i were to choose over everything else, i would always choose you.

⋆ taetr4ck, est may 2023. / requests open

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hannieehaee · 7 months

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18+ / mdi

content: chan's a fucking loser (not rlly he just rlly likes u <33), smut, f reader, handjob, sub!chan

wc: 884

part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4

masterlist

loser!chan whose eyes indiscreetly stick to you whenever you're in the same room. the halls, the cafeteria, gym, your shared chemistry class. you name it. all his friends (and yours) notice his hopeless stares while you do mundane tasks around school, except you.

or that's what everyone thinks

what he doesnt know, however, is how your eyes are looking back at him whenever he takes a quick break to look away in the name 'subtlety.' this endless cycle finally comes to an end when fate (your chemistry teacher) manages to put you in the same room alone with him.

"hey .. are you okay?", you ask after a good ten minutes of fruitless one-sided conversation as beet-red chan avoids eye contact while sitting on your bed.

due to an act by the gods above, you and chan ended up in the same group for a chemistry assignment. 'group' putting it lightly as its just you and chan alone in your room attempting to work out the assignment together.

getting him here was a miracle in itself, seeing as he would not make eye contact as you tried to come up with possible meeting times that worked for the both of you (surprise, he had an open schedule to meet whenever you desired)

after spluttering for a few seconds, chan comes to his senses and finally makes contact with your gaze when he replies to your question.

"me? oh! i- yes, sorry, just trying to work out the assignment," he responds, looking away immediately after.

"chan," you call out again, "look at me."

he powers through the effort that it takes to keep his eyes on yours for more than a few seconds, "y-yes?"

seeing his anxiety-ridden responses and lack of confidence when speaking the shortest of statements to you does something to your confidence, emboldening you to scoot closer to him and begin creeping your hand towards him.

"channie .. can i call you that? channie?", you put on your sweetest voice to ask.

"m-me? oh. yes. call me whatever you want," he somehow manages to splutter even more, his skin heating up at the unexpected pet name.

your hand creeps further towards his thigh as your body leans towards him even more.

his semi-crossed legs seem to naturally unwind themselves at the proximity of your hand, eager for whatever his years-long crush seems to have in mind for him.

"is it okay if i touch you channie?", you question, hand now in his upper thigh, gracing back and forth lightly.

"o-oh," he breathes, "are you sure? i- ive never-"

"its okay, channie," you interrupt, "just say the word and i'll stop. but i think it could be good for your nerves? dont you think?", you reason, scooting up enough for your chest to grace against his shoulder.

"y-yeah .. maybe ..." he breathes out as he closes his eyes when your hand finally makes contact with the spot in his pants thats been burning since you first welcomed him into your bed, originally sitting across from him in the tiniest shorts known to man (at least according to chan).

you place your empty hand on his warm cheek, directing his eyes towards you, "channie~ why wont you look at me?", you pout, "you stare at me all day but when i have you in my bed you wont look my way? thats so mean ..." you trail off, sticking your hand in his pants, feeling around before you finally wrap your hand around his aching length.

"ah ..." he moans. "you saw that? i'm sorry, youre just so- oh-" he cuts himself off as you speed up the pace of your touches, enjoying the way in which his head falls to your shoulder, one of his hands reaching to hold onto your arm in a fruitless attempt to try and keep a hold of his composure.

"shh, it's okay baby, i understand. feels too good to even look at me, doesnt it?", you interrupt in a mocking tone.

"i think- oh, i think i'm gonna cum. god, please ..." he lets out as he continuously lets out warm puffs of air into your neck as he nears his end far too soon.

"already?", you giggle. "oh, channie, you must be so deprived, you poor thing," you grin at him as you direct his face towards yours with your free hand.

"please .. please'" he breathes against your mouth, close enough to kiss but not enough. "please just let me. i'll do anything. anything."

you drip at his unwarranted (but very much appreciated) begging, almost feeling bad at the sudden desire to deny him just to extend the experience even longer, but his heavy breathing against your mouth and the wetness of his dick on your hand begin to make you delirious, licking into his open mouth as you give him the greenlight to cum.

"thank you. fuck, t-thank you," he continues to breathe as you shove your tongue into his mouth while he reaches his peak, attempting to catch your tongue in his.

finally, you peck his lips as he recovers from his high. grinning at his useless attempts to kiss back while he catches his breath.

"feeling less nervous now?", you giggle after a while of staring at his boneless form as he tries to process what just happened

a/n: this is my first time writing smut ever so any feedback is appreciated c: thank u for reading hehe (this was not proofread btw 😭)

#svt #seventeen #seventeen smut #svt smut #chan smut #dino smut #dino x reader #seventeen x reader #svt x reader #svt fanfic #seventeen fanfic #svt au #chan x reader #seventeen blurbs #seventeen one shot

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bebebelll · 7 months

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does anyone know her dad? daniel ricciardo smau (part 1)

pairing: daniel ricciardo x toto's secret child!reader / daniel ricciardo x schumacher and wolff!reader warnings: cursing and some general fandom hate wags get note: first time doing this i dont know if this right but lets go! part 2, part 3 and part 4

mickschumacher happy birthday to @ynquads !! sorry for crashing into the cake! mama said she'll make you another

liked by maxverstappen1, landonorris and 122 498 others

gina_schumacher thanks for almost cropping me out of the picture

mickschumacher it's about yn!! ynquads i though i was you favourite cousin gigi :( why u being so mean to me :( i'll go tell my parents micschumacher ill tell mama you're being mean to yn username123 always love seeing mick and yn be annoying little siblings

maxverstappen1 congrats! is it enough to say it here or do i have to make my own post? ive given you a present

ynquads bring me cowboy boots from austin and you dont have to

username cute cute cute cute cute cute

username honestly schumacher genes dont even feel real anymore

username right!?!?! i want yn to win the figure skating grand prix but then i remember that video where she went karting with max username like a billion drivers and a skater and the good looks in ONE family? god really does have favourites

lewishamilton happy birthday! it's been great seeing you grow up

username excuse me sir? what do you mean grow up?

ynquads visited japan for a wedding and now i'm all ready for skate america!! let's gooo cricket club!!

liked by maxverstappen1, landonorris, susie_wolff and 112 666 others

username YOU GOT INVITED TO YUZURU'S WEDDING

ynquads i even got to bring daniel🤭

danielricciardo it was a lovely wedding❤️❤️(ours is gonna be better)

username excuse what the fuck lewishamilton actually you're not allowed to marry her without our permission danielricciardo whose permission would i even ask? lewishamilton every german speaking driver and like three team bosses good luck

username ARIANA (our queen & god susie wolff) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

maxverstappen1 daniel's being gross make him stop

danielricciardo am not! ynquads lmao throw bread at him danielricciardo all the love ive given you and this is how you repay me? ynquads ooh i'll repay you 😏 maxverstappen1 dont be weird under my comment

username oh she has time to fly to japan but not go to a single race ever

username babes danny has not been in the since zandvoort. theres been no race to go see him username they've been together for like three years and she's only been to less than ten races username like seriously cant she ever be supportive username you people do realize she's an athlete too?

ynquads we got silver!!!💪🥈🥈🥈congrats to kaori sakamoto 🥇 and isabeau levito🥉 (also thanks uncle lewis for dinner)

tagged: lewishamilton

liked by maxverstappen1 and 237 274 others

nicorosberg he gave you alcohol?

ynquads i have never actually drank alcohol at all in my entire life (also dad was there i was not even allowed to get food that had rum in the sauce) maxverstappen1 oh yeah we did not at all just get drunk ynquads shut up before nico goes to talk to my DAD

username are we all just gonna ignore that she calls lewis "uncle" like seriously how disrespectful is that

username calm the fuck down she calls him and all the older grid (especially sebastian) uncle so it is not new

danielricciardo why you holding your head like that? is it heavy from all the pretty? i can hold it for you

nicorosberg this is who you choose @ynquads danielricciardo why are you bullying me too??? ynquads hes funny onkel nico (uncle) username how is nico rosberg here dragging danny ric? you dont even follow him?

username EVERYBODY CALM DOWN THIS IS NOT A DRILL WE HAVE A CHANCE TO HAVE YN WIN THIS YEAR'S GRAND PRIX PLEASE BE ON EVERY PODIUM

susie_wolff congrats honey! we're really proud!

username i still think it's so damn weird she just hangs out with the older grid. how does she even know then to go on dinners

username okay but when the hell did this even happen? i follow yn and she trains in toronto and during summer is in germany or england. she doesnt attend the races? how the fuck is she and DANIEL RICCIARDO together babes

username i bet my life that max introduced them i can feel it in my bones that he planned this username "oh sorry i won by 30 secs and you have a shitbox to drive, wanna meet my friend she's great gf material? you have no chance without help" ynquads i mean.... username OH MY GOD

username she's such a shit girlfriend honestly. she dates daniel for publicity and then drags lewis down too

username what the fuck are you smoking??

username how the FUCK did daniel ricciardo bag the talented pretty QUAD QUEEN MISS YN SCHUMACHER!!! thats my wife actually! what about our kids and three lambs??

f1wagsupdates paparazzi has released a video of mercedes team boss toto wolff exiting a restaurant and driving off with a young woman. even though she tried to cover herself, the woman was quicky identified as yn schumacher. she is a figure skater and 20+ years younger. in an interview from home yn can be seen walking around the wolff kitchen in little clothing. is this the ending to toto's perfect looking marriage with fellow motorsport boss susie wolff?

liked by 10 385

username if i dont read it, it doesnt exist. no one's cheating ever

username toto and susie's kid is like 5 how could he throw that away??

username its always the goddamn family men fucking over their wives and kids

username this is such bullshit. toto and susie have been together since like 2011 this is so horrible

username little clothing? she's wearing like pajamas

#formula 1 #formula 1 x reader #daniel ricciardo x reader #daniel ricciardo insta au #formula 1 social media au #daniel ricciardo #toto wolff

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wolfjackle-creates · 1 year

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In celebration of my new writing sideblog, I decided to share a snippet of the expanded version of my first prompt fill. Original can be found here. Brief synopsis: Tim and Danny became online friends when they were both neglected and lonely ten/eleven-year-olds. Before Robin and before Phantom. They have been fully open with each other since they first met and that doesn't change, even after it probably should. (This segment is a chat fic.)

Prompt from @gremlin-bot

IKnowYourSecrets = Tim's username

-xXPolarisXx- = Danny's username

Typos in chat are intentional.

Edit: I don't know why the color text is being weird. Each time I get everything to work, new random letters are black.

Edit 2: formatting finally fixed. That took way too long.

-----

Danny had been playing mindlessly when he got a message from Secrets.

IKnowYourSecrets: Thank god your on

That was odd. Secrets was always laid back and chill.

-xXPolarisXx-: Secrets? Whats up

IKnowYourSecrets: something big has happened IKnowYourSecrets: like top secret big IKnowYourSecrets: and I need advice IKnowYourSecrets: ive set up a private chat IKnowYourSecrets: one that cant be hacked so easily

-xXPolarisXx-: dude youre freaking me out -xXPolarisXx-: whats going on?

IKnowYourSecrets: :sends link: IKnowYourSecrets: not here. Ill explain

Danny clicked the link and put in his username when prompted. He had never even seen this chat room server before. Not that he spent a lot of time on chat rooms. He preferred in-game chats.

-xXPolarisXx-: ok dude spill -xXPolarisXx-: wth is going on

IKnowYourSecrets: I know who Batman is

“What!” Danny couldn’t hold back the shout. He started typing a reply, deleted, started typing again.

“Danny?” asked Jazz from the kitchen table where she was doing her homework. “Everything ok?”

He waved his hand at her. “Yeah! Everything is fine! My friend and I were just killed by something I didn’t even know could be dangerous.”

“Don’t play too long. You still have homework.”

“I know! I’ll be good.”

-xXPolarisXx-: good one secrets -xXPolarisXx-: you got me for a minute

IKnowYourSecrets: :image attachment: IKnowYourSecrets: :image attachment: IKnowYourSecrets: :news link: IKnowYourSecrets: :news link: IKnowYourSecrets: :image attachment:

The links and pictures started coming through even faster. The first was a picture of a family of acrobats and one of the links was to the story about how the parents died in an accident while performing.

The next link was about Bruce Wayne adopting a child followed by one only a few months later discussing Batman’s new side kick, Robin. Then a picture of the Graysons’ son in his circus costume next to a picture of the first Robin. Which were entirely too similar.

“Holy…” whispered Danny. But the links and images were still coming.

Robin stopped being spotted when Dick Grayson moved out. And not much later Nightwing appeared. And then there was a new Robin and a new adoption. And then Jason Todd-Wayne died and Robin disappeared.

-xXPolarisXx-: what. The fuck -xXPolarisXx-: why are you even looking into this -xXPolarisXx-: Secrets! ????

IKnowYourSecrets: your a real friend, right? IKnowYourSecrets: I mean weve known each other for like 2 years now IKnowYourSecrets: no catfisher’d stick around this long

-xXPolarisXx-: course I’m real -xXPolarisXx-: though thats also what a catfisherd say

IKnowYourSecrets: I live in gotham IKnowYourSecrets: Batmans changed since Robin IKnowYourSecrets: Since Jason died IKnowYourSecrets: he needs a robin I think IKnowYourSecrets: hes mean and harsh and people dont feel safe

-xXPolarisXx-: … -xXPolarisXx-: youre planning something

IKnowYourSecrets: help me figure out how to convince dick to go back to being robin IKnowYourSecrets: I think they had a fight IKnowYourSecrets: from what i can find online their last several meetings have ended in fights

Danny stared at his screen, mouth open. Secrets couldn’t be serious. This was too much. But he knew his friend. He might joke during a gaming battle, but he’d never joke about this. Not to Danny, or well, Polaris.

-xXPolarisXx-: Youre gonna chase down Nightwing?? -xXPolarisXx-: isnt he only out at night??? -xXPolarisXx-: dude youre gonna get yourself killed -xXPolarisXx-: how’ll you even find him? -xXPolarisXx-: do NOT tell him you know his secret identity -xXPolarisXx-: what do vigilantes do to ppl who learn their identities?

Danny watched as the dots appeared to indicate Secrets was typing. They stopped. Picked up again.

IKnowYourSecrets: awww IKnowYourSecrets: you like me ❤ IKnowYourSecrets: im not gonna die! IKnowYourSecrets: NIGHTWING will be there IKnowYourSecrets: and I can find him bc I know his patrol routes IKnowYourSecrets: easy peasy IKnowYourSecrets: im going tonight IKnowYourSecrets: just need to figure out what to say

-xXPolarisXx-: dude really??? -xXPolarisXx-: do you even know why they fought?

IKnowYourSecrets: Gotham needs batman IKnowYourSecrets: and batman needs robin IKnowYourSecrets: hes a hero he should want to help

-xXPolarisXx-: Well start with that, then -xXPolarisXx-: if youre going to be an idiot -xXPolarisXx-: and go out in gotham at night -xXPolarisXx-: tell nightwing youre worried about batman

IKnowYourSecrets: worried about nightwing as well IKnowYourSecrets: hes not as bad IKnowYourSecrets: but its clear something is wrong

-xXPolarisXx-: im just a kid from a small town -xXPolarisXx-: how am I supposed to know how to talk to superheroes?

IKnowYourSecrets: they aren’t superheroes IKnowYourSecrets: no powers

-xXPolarisXx-: not the point -xXPolarisXx-: I guess -xXPolarisXx-: start by asking how hes doing -xXPolarisXx-: and how batmans doing -xXPolarisXx-: and say youre sorry about robins death -xXPolarisXx-: but most importan STAY SAFE -xXPolarisXx-: i dont even know your name to follow any news stories

IKnowYourSecrets: its Tim if you wanna know

-xXPolarisXx-: mines Danny -xXPolarisXx-: idk why but Tim fits you

IKnowYourSecrets: dont use it on public forums IKnowYourSecrets: but were safe here IKnowYourSecrets: Danny. I like it IKnowYourSecrets: thanks for the advice!!! IKnowYourSecrets: im gonna use it IKnowYourSecrets: ttyl IKnowYourSecrets: gonna track down dick and talk to him IKnowYourSecrets: he usually starts patroling in like an hour and a half IKnowYourSecrets: and it’ll take me about that long to get to bludhaven

-xXPolarisXx-: lemme know what happens -xXPolarisXx-: im gonna check this chat and the game any chance I have at the computer

IKnowYourSecrets: will do IKnowYourSecrets: by danny

-xXPolarisXx-: stay safe tim

Danny stared at the chat box as Secrets, as Tim signed out. What. The. Hell.

“You all right there, Danny?” Jazz was looking at him from their kitchen table and Danny quickly closed out of the chatroom. No one could be allowed to see that information.

“Yeah, course. Just talking with my online friend Secrets.” Whose name he now knew. “He had to go, though. So I guess I’ll start my homework.”

“Were you two playing that game you like?”

He couldn’t tell the truth, so he decided to lie. “Yeah. We’re hoping to beat this boss so we can get a rune stone that’ll let us craft this super awesome weapon! Then we might stand a chance in the arena.”

Jazz smiled at him. “I’m sure you two’ll get it. What’s this arena?”

Danny described the game on autopilot as pulled out his backpack and books. Holy hell, he knew Batman’s identity.

-----

Part 2

I also hope to start doing WIP Wednesdays if there's any interest. Probably not every week and they won't all be for this fic, but I've got a few things I've been working on that I hope people will enjoy.

Tag List (I hope you're still all interested so many months later. XP)

@bonebrokebuddy, @britcision, @lady-time-lord-, @welcometosasakiworld, @akikkobara, @phoenixdemonqueen, @dolfay, @skulld3mort-1fan, @nutcase8691, @dreamingasters, @xysidhequeen

I'm sure there's people I'm missing. So let me know if you want to be added or if you want to be taken off the list. I won't be offended either way.

#dp x dc #my writing #danny fenton #tim drake #chat fic #bring me home fic #i'll probably change that name #the formatting on this is a bitch #i dont use rich text #so i type all the html directly into my main document #you should see how the usernames look #i cannot get an accurate word count either

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judeswhore · 2 years

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tell me again; steve harrington

summary: steve was fully aware that his feelings for you went beyond “just friends” but the fear of ruining years of friendship kept him radio silent. however, a murderous wizard wreaking havoc around hawkins and a little bit of encouragement from his younger friends has him finally admitting the truth.

pairing: steve harrington x fem!reader

requested: yes

warnings: slight st4 spoilers

notes: i’m so sorry this took so long i wasn’t really sure what to write so hopefully this is okay, i think this is the longest steve fic ive ever written. also thank u sm for 2500 followers!!! i’m v grateful and appreciative, the feedback on my fics is always so amazing so thank u v much for that :)) you can find my masterlist here.

steve was completely unable to keep his eyes off you for more than ten seconds at a time, no matter what he was supposed to be focusing on, his attention always found it's way back to you, gaze soft but tinted with concern. he'd let his eyes linger on you while trying to hold a conversation with nancy and robin, struggling to come up with ideas to help figure out the ins and outs of the curse but failing miserably because of his fear that you might become the next victim. there wasn't anything in the world steve harrington was more afraid of than losing you.

you'd been a constant light in his life since you were both twelve years old, a never changing force attached to his hip through everything. every up and down you'd been there, every fight with his parents, every failed test, his rocky relationship with nancy and his downfall from king steve to the designated babysitter. you'd been with him through it all, always there to give him your best pep talk and that earth shattering smile that would have him forgetting why exactly he needed a pep talk in the first place. steve knew deep down there would never be anyone like you again, his heart would never react to anyone like it does to you and he wished, god he so badly wished, he'd not wasted so much time on things that didn't matter. because hawkins was going under and steve was scared he'd lose you before he got the chance to show you just how much you meant to him.

for the hundredth time that night he let his eyes seek you out again, tuning out dustin and lucas' conversation about getting more supplies to eddie as soon as possible. nancy and robin had disappeared upstairs not too long ago, robin mumbling something about getting food before she passed out. you, however, were sitting on a mattress across the room from the sofa he was perched on, your back against the wall, legs crossed as max lay with her head against them. the two of you were mumbling quietly to each other, max's head tilted at an angle to meet your eyes, your head dipped low as though to hide your conversation from the others. steve watched the way your fingers sifted gently through the younger girls hair, an almost mother like gesture that sent a pang of longing through his heart.

max being cursed and you all so unsure how to save her had tilted the groups axis significantly, however steve knew you had been completely thrown overboard with the revelation. max had always been like a sister to you, you'd taken her under your wing her first week in hawkins after an unfortunate run in with billy and, as dustin had been with steve, she'd clung to you ever since. even after everything that happened at the mall, you were the only person max didn't push away, the only person she let take care of her when there was no one else around. steve knew you were hurting, knew you felt lost and unable to help and he wanted to pull you into him, to wrap you up in his arms and kiss you until you stopped worrying. but he knew that wasn't possible. like steve, you wouldn't stop worrying until you were more than one hundred percent certain that all the kids were safe.

your lips suddenly tilted into a soft smile, that smile that had steve's knees threatening to give out, and you playfully flicked at max's forehead, a brief moment of normality passing between the two of you. max's smile wasn't as bright, didn't quite reach her eyes, but it settled steve somewhat because he knew it was real and that meant it would ease something inside of you too. max curled her fingers around yours and held your hand to her chest, tilting her head even further as she muttered something that made you nod. slow but full of purpose and then your fingers returned to her hair.

"dude, don't you think it's time to tell her how you feel?" dustin's elbow landed in steve's ribs following his mumbled question and the older boy winced and groaned, pressing his hand firmly to the spot. he finally managed to tear his gaze from you, eyes instead landing on the two boys watching him with knowing looks.

"what are you talking about, henderson?"

"don't you "what are you talking about" me, harrington. you know exactly what i'm talking about." dustin nodded his head in your direction before falling back against the sofa, slouching with a book settled on his lap. "if you keep staring at her like that she might start to melt."

"i'm not staring at her. i'm making sure she's okay, making sure they are okay." steve huffed like a petulant child at being caught out. he knew he wasn't exactly the most subtle when watching out for you but still. friends watch over friends. steve does it with all of them.

"you're staring at her like she might disappear if you blink." this observation came quietly from lucas, and sliding his gaze over, steve found him watching max. the expression on his face was so clear to steve, so obvious. it held every single thought and emotion that had been running through steve's head for the past few hours and in that moment he knew, just like him, lucas' heart was already sitting firmly in max mayfield's hands, whether she knew it or not.

"i don't-" lucas shook his head before steve could continue, running the tip of his finger repeatedly around the mug he was nursing between his hands.

"i get it. i feel like max might disappear if i'm not looking too and it's the worst feeling i've ever had." the words tumbled from his lips, edges harsh and jagged, raw with emotion that screamed to steve. because it didn't matter how young lucas was, how little time he might have known max, he was in love with her and steve understood the gravity of loss when love was involved. "none of us know what's gonna happen next, steve, but i think y/n deserves to know how you feel. don't leave it until it's too late."

"i can't. i-" steve shook his head and dragged a hand through his hair, a light feeling of nausea rolling over him at the thought of finally coming clean. he'd kept his feelings locked away for so long he wasn't sure how he was meant to tell you. what if you hated him for leaving it so long? what if you thought of him as only your friend and he ruined that by making things awkward. he'd rather have you as a friend, unaware of how much you meant to him, than not have you at all. "she knows i love her." which was true enough. you knew steve loved you to some extent, that just above the surface love that he felt for the rest of his friends and he thinks deep down he could live with you only knowing that level of his feelings if it meant never having to say goodbye to you.

"you're in love with her, there's a difference." dustin pointed out, thumbing at the pages of his book, his eyes darting between steve and you. "look, we have no idea who might end up cursed, we have no idea what's gonna happen to us all, don't let something so important slip through your fingers because you're a coward."

"i'm not a coward. i just can't lose her and if she doesn't feel the same then i've fucked up years of friendship and i can't do that."

"and what if you lose her anyway? what if you never tell her and the world fucking ends and she's stuck thinking all she ever was to you was a friend."

"i don't think she'd be all that bothered about-"

"jesus christ, harrington, y/n is so obviously in love with you. she looks at you like you hung the moon.” lucas shook his head, the words hissed lowly in order to keep quiet from the two girls having their own secret conversation. "the way you two look at each other, like there's no one else around, like you'd run straight to fucking hell and back for the other with no hesitation. that goes way beyond friendship and if you don't do something now there are so many ways that you could lose her. there are so many things that i wanna say to max and i don’t even know if i have the time to say them all. make your move before it's too late."

lucas took a deep breath and let his attention settle back on max, that troubled look returning to his eyes. steve knew max and lucas were going through somewhat of a rough patch and his heart gave a twang of sympathy for the other boy. he knew exactly how suffocating it felt to have so much to say and no idea how to say it. you and max were still huddled together, whispering words back and forth, your fingers still running comfortingly through the tangled strands of her hair. as though feelings steve's eyes on you, you glanced up with that favourite smile of his, the one that so easily sent his thoughts skidding away. little did he know as he sent you his own smile, that max had been giving you the exact same speech he'd just gotten, a speech that in just a few hours would change everything.

everyone was sleeping, soft snores and light breaths the only sound in the wheeler's basement but you couldn't seem to settle, tossing and turning on the tiny mattress in front of the sofa every five seconds. it was hot and stuffy and your mind was racing from your earlier conversation with max. the younger girl had lectured you on not being honest about your feelings for steve, had almost scolded you for hiding your feelings when, in her words "steve worshiped the ground you walked on and it was time you both stopped dancing around the truth". she was right, obviously, about your feelings, but your fear of steve's rejection was a dark cloud over your head and was enough to keep you quiet. you could love him in silence, that had always been okay.

max's constant reminder to you of the curse and how there was no guarantee in life also wasn't helping you sleep. you were running out of time and options and you weren't at all ready to say goodbye to the girl you'd come to think of as a sister. you would save her, you had to. a sigh puffed from your lips, unintentionally loud as you flopped on to your back, eyes turning towards the ceiling. steve was sleeping on the sofa above you and you jolted when his hand appeared over the side, fingers prodding lightly into your cheek as he gave a soft grumble.

"stop wriggling." he mumbled, words muffled from what you assume was a result of his face being smushed into his pillow.

"sorry," you tried to keep quiet, fighting the urge again to flip back on to your side. "can't sleep, everything's uncomfortable." steve was silent for a few seconds, his hand still dangling over the edge of the sofa, fingers so close to your face and then suddenly his head was hanging over the edge too. his eyes were heavy and sleepy, hair a complete mess from the pillow and your stomach flipped, goosebumps rising across your arms at how effortlessly pretty he looked. he cocked his lips in a lopsided smile and tapped his fingers against your chin.

"c'mere." then he disappeared again, slumped back into the comfort of the sofa but you didn't move, stayed rooted to the mattress because you weren't entirely sure you'd heard him correctly. that was until he gave a breathy laugh and spoke again. "come here, y/n." his voice was low and still full of sleep and it stirred something inside of you, made your mind race a mile a minute.

sitting up you turned your head to see steve settled back into the sofa, his fingers curled around one corner of the blanket to hold it open for you. his eyes seemed to twinkle, that lazy smile still glued to his lips as he waited for you. without too much thought you climbed up beside him, laying on your side, your face in line with steve's and you gave a quiet hum when he let the blanket fall back around you both. his hand fumbled to wrap it around you, tucking you in so tightly that your chests were almost pressed together. he was warm, the heat radiating from him and it made your thoughts a little foggy.

"better?" his breath fanned your face and this close you could make out every freckle across his nose, every fleck of green in the browns of his eyes and you never wanted to look away.

"yeah." you gave a small nod, slightly flustered and unsure of where to put your arms and so you kept them awkwardly sandwiched between you. so awkwardly in fact that steve chuckled and took one hand in his own, lifting it to his lips where he skimmed teasing kisses across your knuckles. his gaze was intense, so much so that you wanted to squirm and you were more than shocked at the gentle press of his mouth on your skin.

"wanna tell me what's going on in that pretty head of yours?" you just shrugged, not really wanting to voice your worries about max and the curse, feeling as though saying it out loud would make it all the more real. steve hummed in understanding and it tickled against your fingers before he dropped them again, his hand stayed locked around yours however, thumb sweeping back and forth over your palm in a way that had you fighting back shivers. he was still watching you with that same overly intense look in his eyes, your faces so close together from resting against the same pillow. "you know i'll never let anything happen to you, right?"

"there are things that even you can't save us from, steve." you mumbled the words softly, unsure whether he was talking about you alone or the group but the flicker in his eyes suggested it was the former. he gave your fingers a quick squeeze.

"i'll do anything to make sure you're safe, i need you to know that. i can't lose you, y/n.”

"i know. me and you against the world, right?" you shuffled in closer to him, thankful for his warmth because it seemed to have calmed you somehow, a layer of comfort wrapped around you. steve sucked in a breath when your knees bumped against his legs, a soft pink tinting the tops of his cheekbones. he let go of your hand, his gaze still locked on yours and instead brought his fingers to your face. he brushed the backs of them over the curve of your jaw before tucking your hair carefully behind your ear.

"i can't lose you."

"you're not gonna lose me," you curled your own fingers around his wrist and tilted your head into it, an unfamiliar boldness washing over you as

you pressed your lips to the soft skin. steve's lips twitched into a smile, one that felt like liquid heat inside of you. "gonna be stuck with me for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not, harrington."

"i think i could live with that." his eyes searched your face, taking in each and every small feature as though he was committing them to memory. the way he was looking at you made the hairs on your arms stand up, heat curling in your stomach as your heart gave a thud. he'd never looked at you with such intensity before and you weren't sure how to handle it, your body feeling hot under his attention. his palm found your cheek, soft against the skin, and you melted into him with the first swipe of his thumb beneath your eye. "you're so beautiful."

you let out a startled breath that fanned across his lips and it was only then that you realised you'd moved so close to him, your faces only inches apart. his eyes fell to your lips, gaze dark and every thought in your head turned to dust in that moment, steve's fingers the only thing you could focus on. the entire room seemed to have fallen silent as though waiting for one of you to move, even dustin's bulldozer snores seemed muted to your ears.

"steve-"

"i love you." the words tumbled from his lips, a little harsher than he intended and you blinked in surprise, lips parting again on his name but he was speaking already. "i mean, i'm in love with you." those words were a lot softer, muttered almost nervously into the room and you didn't miss the flush on his cheeks or the anxious waver of his voice.

"you're in love with me?"

"so in love with you." his nod was slow, his lips curving into a tentative smile. his thumb trailed to your bottom lip and he carefully brushed over it, tugging it down ever so slightly before letting it snap back into place. "you have no idea." you were frozen, eyes locked on steve but he was staring at your mouth, eyes glassy and a little unfocused and you wanted to know what exactly was running through his head, wanted to know if his thoughts were as jumbled as yours.

steve harrington was in love with you. your best friend, the boy who teased you about your braces, the boy you fought russian's with, the boy you'd been in love with since he first offered you his chocolate bar when you were twelve years old, was in love with you. your mind wouldn't let you believe it, your heart hammering in your chest as you wondered over whether he was just joking with you. but he looked so serious, so set and the nervous glint in his eyes made you think that he maybe was being honest.

"you don't have to say it back, i know you probably don't feel the same but with everything that's happening with the curse and us having no fucking clue what we're doing, i just needed you to know." you arched your eyebrows at him and shuffled impossibly closer, lifting your hand to brush his hair back off his forehead.

"you seriously think i wouldn't feel the same?" he just shrugged, suddenly looking shy, his eyes flickering around your face and you gave a quiet laugh, head shaking. "steve, i've been in love with you since we were twelve." you felt his entire body go tense against you, his thumb pausing it’s back and forth motion across your chin and the awe struck expression on his face made you giggle quietly.

“why didn’t you say anything?”

“why didn’t you say anything?” you prodded his cheek playfully and he sent you a sheepish grin, ducking his head ever so slightly. you watched him, slipping your hand over his neck until his hair tickled the tips of your fingers. “i guess looming death is a great way to get a love confession out of someone, hm?”

“lucas made me realise that i want you to know just how much i love you in case the worst happens. i need you to know how much you mean to me, that i don’t just look at you and see my best friend, that i look at you and i see someone i wanna spend the rest of my life with. however long that might be.” a slow smile curved your lips at his words and you pushed your fingers completely into his hair, leaning in to nudge your nose against his. your chest felt light but hot, completely fuzzy because steve loved you.

“i love you more than i thought was ever possible, i’m so in love with every single part of you steve harrington.” steve’s grin was wide and full blown, almost taking up his entire face and it was that smile that made your first kiss so ridiculously awkward for the first couple of seconds. it was a clash of teeth, a bump of noses, the gentle knock of his chin against yours until you giggled and he laughed and then he was kissing your properly. full and with so much love your blood seemed to sing in your veins and your heart hammered so harshly against your chest you were certain it was trying to reach his.

his fingers gripped lightly at your chin to keep you tilted towards him and the soft noise he let out into your mouth when you shifted your fingers through his hair was decidedly your new favourite sound. his lips were warm and soft, so soft you were determined to know what lip balm he used, and he tasted of mint, his toothpaste not yet having warn off, with the tiniest hint of the coffee he’d been stealing from you all day. you felt dizzy, drunk on his kisses and in that moment you’d do absolutely anything he asked of you. steve’s body shifted until he was half hovering over you, the blanket thankfully covering you from any prying eyes however you hoped everyone was still fast asleep.

this moment was one you wanted to stay in forever. in time, whenever you thought of fleeting happiness, it would be this moment. steve’s lips on yours, his previous declaration of love branded into your heart like an immovable stamp. he nipped ever so slightly at your bottom lip and then mumbled his next words directly into your mouth, the sound muffled and messy, his voice a little shaky.

“tell me again.”

“hmm?” you couldn’t concentrate. not when he was kissing you the way he was, when you could feel every inch of his body up against yours, the heat of him swirling white hot happiness in your stomach. he pulled back slightly, lips only inches from yours and sent you a small smile. the tops of his cheeks were flushed and his hair was messy from your fingers, falling carelessly over his forehead, just kissing the tops of his eyebrows.

“i wanna hear you say it again, so i know i’m not dreaming.”

“you had me like this in a lot of your dreams, harrington?”

“a few of them, although we’re both usually wearing a lot less clothes.” you smacked his shoulder at that, eyes rolling despite your grin because you’d be a liar if you said you hadn’t had similar dreams. steve smothered his laughter in your hair, trying his hardest to stay quiet and not wake the others. he was guaranteed to be teased once they found out he finally admitted how he felt and he’d much rather have shared a few more kisses before that happened. he took a few seconds to calm his giggles and then tipped his head back to you, dropping a kiss to your chin and then the corner of your mouth. “tell me again.”

with a sigh you took his face in your hands, palms soft against his cheeks and stared headlong into those dark eyes that had you hooked from day one. your thumbs brushed beneath his eyes and you lifted your head to nudge his nose. “i love you.” there was such finality to your words, a solid statement, a fact, something that would never change and that was all it took for steve to bring you in for another kiss. this one was deeper and a little more desperate but still so utterly and completely toe curling. you had been through your fair share of kisses but nothing would ever come close to this one.

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queerprayers · 22 days

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hi ! i hope you're doing well, and i just wanna say first that i love your blog and it just radiates comforting vibes :)

i wanted to ask for some advice. i chose god over a year ago after having this push-pull thing with him for almost ten before that. most of my issues with actually accepting him came from ideas i had about him from his more conservative/evangelical followers, which i began to debunk for myself after figuring out that god, not them, was who i wanted.

so i've been sticking to the old testament, mostly. i found god in there, grew to love him because of it, and it's just a beautiful text, but also there are far fewer conservative dogwhistles in there than there are in the new testament. the new testament is hard for me to look at, and i feel guilty about it.

and its like- ive grown up with jesus my whole life. my parents are methodist, i was raised methodist. but i've never felt very close to him, thanks to those who twisted his verses about love and kindness into weapons against people like me. i read these verses that mean so much (john 3:16 and the like) and all i get out of it is a crawling sense of dread. like the associations are Bad, and it seeps through the whole new testament.

all this long-winded nonsense is basically to say that somebody got their hands all over the new testament and now i look at it and it is just barren. have you ever experienced something like this? any advice on how to,, reclaim the new testament or something? (thank you so much for reading this holy shit it's long. sorry about that)

Thank you beloved, I'm glad you're here! No such thing as too long here, I promise—well, there might be on my end. (You've been warned.) I'm overjoyed that you've chosen to pursue God—separating what you've been told from what you seek to believe in is such a hard thing to navigate.

I'm gonna be honest, this is such a refreshing question and I'm glad that you're asking it. I overwhelmingly hear the opposite from Christians—that the New Testament is easy and loving and comforting, and the Old Testament is scary and violent or whatever. I always want to ask first, what their opinions of Judaism are, because that's a red flag to me; and next, have they read the NT? It isn't easy and it isn't always comforting, and I think too many Christians only read the parts that they think are. The fact that you're recognizing those hard things and wanting to deal with them is a beautiful thing—we should take these texts seriously enough to criticize and struggle with them.

First of all: You have no need to feel guilty for what other people have done with holy things, or for your emotions. You have not done something wrong by carrying this hurt with you. What we feel is not in our control—but we can listen to it. Let this be a movement of desire, not of guilt. You're seeking God past the dread. You want to grow enough that the ideas people have taught you don't stand between you and what you want—and you've already done so much of this growth. I believe that you can keep moving in the direction of God, and find God in more and more places. But you don't have to pretend it's not hard. And if it was easy I'm not sure that would be a good thing.

Your experiences and associations and discomfort and fear—they're your history and they're also the history of the text. I'm sure you've heard people say "Don't let stuff like that turn you away from the original meaning of the verses!" Or "Jesus didn't mean that!" But of course the verses hold weight. They've had baggage before they ever got to you—two thousand years of it. Hold space for the fact that they've been used to hurt you and others. That's not meaningless—it's part of the meaning now. People who claimed their destruction was what Jesus meant have added to the history of Jesus and the text—and people who created love and beauty in honor of those verses have also added to these histories. We can learn about the original meaning of the text, but we cannot erase or ignore the meanings that have existed over the years. Go into this without guilt or pressure or expectation, and bring the anger and confusion and bad experiences. The text is strong enough to handle them. God is strong enough to handle them.

I want to acknowledge that finding God in the Hebrew Bible and existing there with Them is a beautiful thing. You don't have to equally relate to every single part of a religion to create a home there. Of course I hope that you grow new connections with the NT, but if it's never the same as the OT, that's not a flaw or a failure. None of us can find all the places where God is present and hold them all equally. Our brains aren't big enough for that. You have created a beautiful connection with God, and I hope that you know that there are so many fulfilled, faithful people who have not, and will never, experience God in the NT. Of course these people generally aren't Christian—and that's obviously a choice you can make—but I hope that knowledge reminds you that you aren't doing anything wrong. You have a duty to God, not to religion. And you certainly don't have a duty to the ideas you've grown up with or translators or interpreters or even to Biblical writers. We enter religion to learn and create community and to fully live out our duty to God—religion serves us, not the other way around.

I love that you brought up conservative dogwhistles because this is a point that, again, I've heard more people fall on the other side of! More people have a problem with the politics of the OT, for lots of reasons. The NT was written much closer to our current point in history, of course, in a time and culture much more familiar to most of us than Ancient Israel. The Roman Empire's language and government and philosophy has influenced the world immensely, and I think for most people it's therefore easier to exist in/relate to/project on. For you, though, this might be having the opposite effect. The fact that the Roman Empire is closer and more influential to our culture may make you more aware of its injustices and biases. Conservatism as we know it is much closer to values found in the Christian scriptures than the Jewish ones partially because it's more culturally and politically similar to ours. (Think about how many far-right people idolize the Roman Empire! And of course, think about how many conservatives are Christians.)

I'm assuming, because you're someone who notices politics in texts, that you've probably confronted things in the OT that you've had to process and put in context and perhaps still struggle with. I know that you've been met with violence and patriarchy, and that you've read verses that you probably know have been used to justify racism, sexism, slavery, and homophobia. Perhaps you've come to these chapters and said something like, "Wow, this has been used for a lot of evil, and this is something I have to deal with, but I also want to give grace to the culture that existed this way and told these stories, see the times that systems like patriarchy are challenged and changed over time, and use this for good and liberation in my own life." Maybe this is easy for you, or maybe it's taken a lot of strength.

Barbara Brown Taylor talks about "shadow languages" in her book Holy Envy (which I recommend)—languages in the Bible that assume things, that carry with them narratives we need to look out for. She identifies the language of contempt, the one of social hierarchy, the one that glorifies suffering for suffering's sake, the one that divides reality into opposed pairs. She tells us that "the purpose of staying on the lookout for languages like these is to prevent them from becoming uncontested parts of the Christian worldview. Every time I run into one of them hard enough to hurt, I turn around and look in the opposite direction, where there is almost always a counternarrative in scripture, just waiting for someone to notice it."

I think about how slavery is not abolished in the Bible—it has not been abolished ever. At various times in history, it has been taken for granted, challenged, uprooted, and changed form. Why are the ancient Israelites freed from captivity and go on to enslave people? Why does God move them to chip away at slavery but not fully eradicate it? Why does Paul say there is no slave or free under Christ Jesus, but preserves the social hierarchy inherent to that statement? It angers me that oppression is never abolished completely and immediately, but I also know that's not how people (or true stories) work. We take a lot of things for granted—and that leads many people to conservatism. I love Paul's writings, and I also know that his greatest sin (like many of us) was believing God's love liberated only as far as his imagination. He could imagine a God who loved the enslaved, could imagine a world in which their souls were equal, but could not imagine a world without slavery. He could imagine a spiritual equality of men and women, but not a social one. The gospel writers could worship a Jewish man as God, honor the scriptures he quoted, and add no nuance to the Jewish leaders who opposed him. They could imagine a messiah coming from Judaism but could not give grace to the Judaism around them.We all have failures of imagination, and we are always wrong. (Thanks be to God.)

I am not in the business of excusing harmful systems. I don't think you should do this when tackling the NT—I think you should challenge it and accuse it and dismantle it. But I also want you to remember the grace that you have brought to the Hebrew Bible. You have found God in a text with a lot of hard things and a lot of beautiful things—I bet you can do it again. Maybe it's more personal this time, maybe it's closer to your culture, but you have the skills. And maybe this is gonna make you go back to the OT with harsher eyes—so be it. Be curious about how this changes your relationship with history—humanity's and your own. However you understand conservatism, you can find it in both parts of the Christian Bible. And you can't take away the ways people have furthered that. But you can see them, and you can build relationships with the stories, knowing that your imagination can go further—and God's goes further still. You have been taught by bigoted people and a bigoted world, and you know it. You already know you want God, not them.

So what do we do when someone got their hands all over the New Testament? I love that question, because they absolutely have. They're still doing it. Someone got their hands all over the OT too—actually, probably more and worse someones seeing as it's a Jewish text and Christian hands are inherently meddling. But this is all part of the text's history. However much we believe God was involved, people wrote in their own language and from their own culture. The curation and copying and collecting and translating and analysis inherent to the Bible's existence (it didn't spring fully formed into the King James Version) are people's hands. We can't take that away—and in fact, we needed their hands for these texts to get to us.

Reclaiming the Bible for me has not included pretending those hands don't exist—especially when they're personal. What it has included is prying some of those hands off to see God underneath. The thing about that, though, is that it gets our fingerprints involved. You can't reach into a text and find God without getting your hands dirty. There is no pure holy text in this life. The NT that you're reading—unless you're smarter than me—is already translated. You can learn to read Greek, you can study history, but you're gonna be doing it with your own hands. While you're finding God in the text, accept that even if you go all the way back, the original writers' fingerprints are on the very first copy.

Let this move you to know that none of it is empty. I acknowledge the barrenness you're describing as the only thing you can see right now—but know that even if this is overwhelming, it's proof that the text itself is full. The fact that so many people, for good and evil, have touched it and transformed it, the fact that you desire connection with it, means that it is not empty. There would be nothing there for you to want to reclaim—but you're asking.

I think it would be really interesting for you to find the humanity in the gospels. Look for the people. Yes, these are characters told and retold—you can see the fingerprints—but they were people first. Look for people reclaiming and messing around and taking cultural things for granted and challenging other things—and live in it with them. Don't approach any of it as a solid text that exists—look at it as a living, breathing text that we all tear into. And, yes, this means people are going to twist it almost beyond recognition, but they do not have a monopoly on joining the story—you bring your experiences and your biases. Be human with it, the way that I'm sure you are with the OT, which is full of flawed, evil people who sing beautiful songs. Be human with them.

Enlarge your theological circle. Read liberation theology, queer theology, disability theology. Read the Quran, which is an amazing time that people got their hands on the NT (as well as having its own history of violence). Find different, beautiful hands that tell these stories in new ways. I can't promise you'll find beauty—that's such an emotional and personal experience. We can't force beauty out of anything. But other people have found and created beauty, and we can experience it secondhand—through stained glass, a musical, a movie, a song, a poem—not because their eyes are better than yours, but because they're also honest.

Barbara Brown Taylor (again in Holy Envy) recounts wisdom from a visiting imam, who "explained that the long lineage of Muslim scholars who have worked collaboratively for centuries to interpret the Quran in the most humane ways are more to be trusted than those who spill blood based on their own readings and ambitions." There are always other traditions, and when all we can see is a weapon, there are those who will unclench our fists.

I would encourage you to make sure you have a NT text that has footnotes to tell you when someone is quoting the Hebrew Bible. The NT is in relationship with, building on and interpreting and philosophizing about, the OT. If you are coming from the OT, bring those verses with you, the same way Jesus and early Christian writers did. The New Testament as a body of work did not exist for the first Christians—the scriptures they had were the ones you have connected with. You're in such good company. Look at how easily Jesus quotes scripture, the verses he adds on to and interacts with, the prophecies he sees himself in. Look at the sacrifice imagery that the gospel writers use to talk about Jesus—assuming that the reader will be familiar with these themes. Even within the OT, we can see later Jewish prophets criticizing and conversing with earlier verses—humanity is constantly in conversation with itself and God. You have such a good foundation for understanding this relationship.

The other good foundation you have? Wrestling with a text. It's the ones we're in community with that are the ones we're most often in conflict with and hold to the highest standards—for Jesus, this was the Jewish community he was a part of, and for you, this might be the NT. Have beef with your own scriptures and communities and religious leaders—reclaiming and wrestling are what the gospels are about. Acts and the letters in the NT are continuously debating the relevance of various OT verses. Do hard work on a text, and do it in good company.

Carry with you the scriptures you love as you travel into unfamiliar or painted-over territory. Know that you have something to come back to, however far you g0. While wading into waters you don't understand, you know that there's land under your feet—and you know that it's land that Jesus valued, that all the people in the NT valued, even as they wrestled with it. The first verses of the NT are a genealogy from Abraham to Jesus's adoptive father. Christians see this all as one story—whether you believe that right now or not, the human story is constantly moving, and God is your solid ground.

Jesus set down a foundation on that rock of God and Christians have added bricks to it and torn stuff down and messed around and burned it and kept building it—but you know there's God under it, because you've seen Them. So when you read Paul awkwardly shoving some bricks together and think, "That's not how I would build a community…" know that God's under there. When you read Peter denying Jesus, know that his name still means "rock," that you can still create solid ground after everything. You know where God is, and also, our lives are ever-expanding journeys of finding where else God could be. Yours looks different from the Christians who consider the NT to be that same rock, but that's okay! It's okay if the OT is a firm foundation for you, and the NT is one of the bricks. Look for God in those awkward bricks, which I know you can do because you've already done it. King David wrote the most beautiful songs I know—you don't ignore his murder and rape, you honor the whole story.

John 3:16 is a much-loved verse—but it being more important than other verses is a construct. You don't have to like it—in fact, the context of this is Jesus talking to Nicodemus, who doesn't understand what he's saying. Jesus is very familiar with confusion and even anger as a response—and he even seems to seek it out sometimes. Nicodemus comes to him as a genuine student, and Jesus starts going on about being born again, something that his new student seems to have no foundation for. Oh, to be a confused new student rather than someone whose had "being born again" held over my head! I wish I could come to the idea with no baggage! I wish I had no foundation for that idea, so I could start over—which would, perhaps, come closer to what Jesus is saying than any evangelical teaching.

Take care, keep trudging. Whatever path this brings you to, whatever communities you end up building, know that with God as the foundation, even awkward haphazard fingerprinted ripped-up texts can tell stories that we need to hear. I can't take away the associations you have with these texts, but I can pray you create new ones. Learn new songs, meet new characters. Get your hands messy.

Don't force a positive relationship—what people have done with the text is a barrier to you right now, and this might be more of a journey with a barrier than a going through it. There are pieces of barriers I've broken open that come with me when I revisit those verses. You already have a more honest relationship with all of this than so many others, and you have the skills already to know that it is God, not the world's followers, that you want.

I hope this wasn't long-winded nonsense, and I hope something here resonates. The short answer (which I probably should have put at the beginning) is that yes, I've experienced something like this. The year I couldn't read the Bible without panicking, I cried while watching The Prince of Egypt. In the years after that, I almost came back to it like I was converting—reading the basics, starting from scratch. Growing up and becoming purposely Christian (rather than your parents exactly) is a kind of conversion, and you have to reclaim the texts, and ask God to reclaim you as you are now.

Isaiah 55:10-11 tells us that God's word pours out like rain, and never returns empty. It sticks with us until something grows inside us. And John begins his gospel by telling us that the word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. This is a living word, one that cried and got angry and fell in love with his friends and participated in a culture and wrestled with God's will and interpreted scripture and was a person with us. You'll have to forgive Christianity for being so human—God did it first. God got his fingerprints all over us, and we wrote texts that have God's living breathing word—and also our messy hands. Thank God for your hands, and the love that they will bring.

<3 Johanna

#gonna be so real this was 11 pages on google docs and i got it down to 6. so if you think this is too long just know this.#asks

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