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system-of-a-feather · 5 years

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how did you begin to accept your alters? how did they identify and name themselves?

I would like to preface this with the notation that I am not the “original” but I did go through the process of finding out I had alters, accepting them, and coming to terms with them as someone who is the Host. With that notation in place, I will refer to this in two perspectives from my experience: how I came to identify myself as an alter and how I came to find the others.

Firstly, as a non-original alter myself, I was originally split off about ten years ago to help cope with how often we were moving and to make it so that we could quickly make social circles and befriend people despite having to change schools a good few times. For the first three or so years I wasn’t too solid of an identity in the sense I was entirely separate and I carried a lot of the traits of the character I am a fictive of, but I didn’t actively identify myself much until I became more active as myself outside of just school (which was about three years later). About three years later we actually got active online where I pretty much took dominion over and it was my place and the place I developed fully from the base fictionally-shaped personality and identity I was based with and shaped more into myself.

My name started simply on a gut instinct and - in hindsight - probably either TA or Aya suggesting it as my username with Riku as its base. Because of that Riku became my online name people called me. For the next following like... six or so years I was just TA’s “online personality” or “better online self” or “actually functioning self” as she didn’t know of DID or alters, and I thought I was just “normal online vs offline personality changes”. Anyways, as I got more contact with my alters a few years ago (before I knew what alters were) I realized not only did I associate myself with the name Riku rather than any other name, but everyone internally called me Riku so when it came around to coming to terms that I have DID, I realized that everyone internally knew me as Riku because well... thats what I was ripped from XD And with the fact that I heavily identified with that name since as long as I can remember myself and everyone called me it, I decided my name was Riku and would stay Riku. As host, IRL I go by the body name and my fiance refers to me/us by that unless he is specifically trying to get my attention per my own request as I need to make sure I don’t forget to respond to the body name as host.

As someone who is host, it is honestly a huge long story to be honest. Despite knowing - in a way - that I was an alter (as I was ‘TA’s online personality’) I really struggled to accept that I had DID as it just is a hard and weird concept when you first come to think about it. Since going around the whole story would be covering years of content, I will go alter by alter to explain how they came about, first interactions, change over time in accepting them, and how they got their name.

Aderis was the first one I actively knew of. She appeared at first in a manner that really scared me of her as the first few times I was conscious and noticed her was when she was being sadistic and a bit of a punisher to problematic people in our lives. For a decent chunk I kinda thought of her as a monster I found within myself that I had no control over. Overtime though we actually communicated a bit more and a bit better and she shifted more from a monster to a monster-esque protector and through more time shes now just like our system’s mother bear XD It took a lot of communication and acts of not-sadism and more internal care to change that as well as a lot of like.. “no she exists you aren’t faking” from friends and therapists. Her name was just kind of already there and she personally introduced herself to me. From the sounds of it she always identified with that name. ((She originally let me call her by ‘Riku’ **as in Riku but not** until she told me that it was a pain and too similar to my name and told me to call her by Aderis instead))

TA is the one I TECHNICALLY knew of first as I split off from her. I really don’t know much about her currently other than she was a depressed alter that I knew I was meant to give a break to. This ended up with me permanently taking over host and since then she’s gone into dormancy. Her name is Traumatized (Body Name) as she is one of the originals.

Lucille is the next one I knew and technically also the first not-TA alter I knew about but, unlike Aderis, I just thought of him as that “smart guy part of my brain that I talked to occasionally.” I don’t really remember how we came to terms with eachother though so sorry about that. As for his name, he either came with it or picked it himself from the root stem of “Luce” meaning Light and partially since he resembled one of the OCs we made ages ago named “Elucid Fernum”. He existed prior than that character as he split off around the same time as me, but I think he did adopt the appearance of him.

Iris I became aware of at some point due to loud internal arguments between her and Aderis over how I should behave. Like Aderis, she was really clear about her existence and until RECENTLY, I’ve known her as “White ‘Riku’” as in the opposite of Aderis (who was ‘Riku’) for some time and only recently did the name Iris actually get told to me by an alter I can’t remember. I don’t communicate much with her so I can’t tell, but I feel like the name stems from her general aesthetic and that she named herself?

Aya is a little I didn’t really know of until two years ago but she has been around as our first host and one of the originals that stopped being host the same year Lucille and I split off. I only knew of her existence when we got comfortable with our fiance and at first I was really annoyed and a bit embarrassed about it but with his extreme acceptance of her and all of this, I just kind of came to really accept her presence? Aya I do remember how she came to be as we used to call her “Happy (Body Name)” or “HA” as she seemed to be direct opposite of TA (and they are likely the original dissociative split). However, due to the fact we realized that HA was an inaccurate misleading name for her that boxed her emotions in, I decided I would find her a new name. There were a few I was suggesting but nothing any of us could settle on and I was telling my fiance about the ideas and he made a joke and tried out Aya and she just like... clung to the name so she choose that name XD

Protector Riku is one I only a few months ago found out to be separate so thats a TBA story to tell. With that being said, it seems he (assuming gender off of what my gut says - probably a he or a they) split off only slightly from me as we share all memory with one another but opinions and views of experiences and life are different as well as how our emotions run. He coined himself as Protector Riku and he coins myself as Host Riku as we see each other more as “separate modes of Riku as a whole” rather than as full individuals from each other even though we are independent alters. I have been offering and TRYING to get in contact with him to see if he wants an actual separate name that is similar to Riku (Raiko, Ruki, Raiku, Roku, etc) to give him a shorter easier name that is his, or if he would like to shorten it to PR, or if he would just like to be known as P. Riku or Protector Riku long term. All of that is TBA though XD

In the end, a lot of coming to accept them was getting to know them better and trying to talk to them as it really came to make me realize these are actual individuals that are sharing my body with me to be honest. Coming to terms with that later half is a lot easier said than done, but just trying to get to know everyone and understanding they are trying to do the same really helped with it all.

-Riku (Host)

#alter: riku #did #osdd #dissociative identity disorder #ask #asks

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doctor-desi · 5 years

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Alrighty, for the Angst Questions: 3, 6, 15, 19, 25 and 30; and the Quesiton About Creating Your OCs: 1, 3, 8, 9,12, 13, 19. (Sorry if they're too many, answer as many as you want!!)

HAHAHAHA! I ANSWERED THEM ALL! PREPARE YOURSELF FOR ALL THE BLAINE KNOWLEDGE YOU COULD EVER WANT (jk there is probably more but this is still a lot... so be prepared)

Angst Questions:

3 Have they ever lost a loved one? What happened to them, and are they the same as they were before they lost them?

I have never actually thought about this question for them before, because at least a few generations of their family have lived in Saker Keep. I imagine at some point she has lost a grandparent, but same with her parents I feel she isn’t super close to her older family members. She’d still mourn, be there for her family members that were closer to them, and respect them for who they were in life. But in terms of her changing because she lost them, I just don’t really think she would change at all. If it was the first death she experienced she might come to respect the ideals in rituals for those passing on. Like learn to make peace with the death of others. But it wouldn’t really be life-altering for her. (However I can’t say the same if she were ever to lose Ms. A, her siblings or any of the gang. If one of them all died, then she might break down and become kind of numb for a bit. She just has no real idea how to deal with a super impactful death since she isn’t super close to the majority of her family.

6 Have they ever committed a crime, or something they felt was wrong? What was it?

Oof, okay another thinker. Hmm, well here is the thing. I came up with this idea that her parents own the general store type shop in the area (cause I need it for when we go there for reasons). So as a kid, I can imagine her being there a lot, and maybe one time she accidentally takes something. Someone not from town catches her and drags her to her parents saying she stole, and her parents just shake their heads, explain she is their kid and berate her. She has a pretty good moral compass besides that, so unless she does something on accident, or something she wasn’t taught bad, then she would not purposely commit a crime or do something she felt was wrong. She just doesn’t like going against what she knows as right, so she would never do something bad on purpose.

15 What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?

Well from the campaign, she is defiantly scared of dogs and heights. Id almost say that she is also kind of scared of water now, or maybe the unknown of what is under the water more? Cause of what happened when they are on the ship. I think her BIGGEST fear though would be like her insecurities and messing those up… which I’ll talk about in your next one actually! And how she acts.. well that depends. If it is something like someone dying where she couldn’t do anything, then she’d like break down and become almost a shell of who she was, really numb to the outside. If its something else, like something she could change in the moment, she would take action to remove herself from the situation or remove the thing that is causing her fear. Either way, whatever it is would likely stay in her mind a long time, she tends to overthink things in general, and this would be no different.

19 What is your character insecure about?

Okay, so there are a few of these I believe. First and foremost, she is insecure about her abilities and has the fears of disappointing those around her. She grew up in a small town and although she doesn’t doubt Ms. A’s teaching abilities, she is worried she will not be enough in times of danger. That kinda leads to another insecurity that she will not be able to protect those she’s grown to care for. She is scared that those around her will die and she will not be able to do anything to prevent it. Another insecurity she has is about herself and her past. Since her family history is partly a mystery to her, she is kind of almost unsure of who she is as a person. Like she knows who she wants to be as a person, but she doesn’t know who she is through who her family were if that makes sense… Yeah, she might have more too, she kind of really hides her insecurities and doesn’t let people know about them much. OH! Another one is she is insecure about who and how she trusts. After the mask incident she kind of doubts her ability to read people and situations as to whether they are real and should be trusted. Okay… I think I got most of them.

25 Do they find that they care what others think of them? Or do they not really mind how others view them?

Oh yeah. She doesn’t show it at all but she super does (kinda mentioned above). She feels like she is not enough a lot of the time, so she does like approval from others. Knowing what others think (especially if it is good) makes her feel more secure like she knows what she is doing is right or wrong.

30 What makes them feel safe or secure? What makes them feel insecure or unsafe?

Honestly what makes her feel safe and secure is being home. Being out of her little town makes her feel unprepared and a little scared, but also really excited which is why she set out in the first place. Knowing what is going on in a situation makes her feel safe, having a weapon, basically having control or a strong understanding makes her secure. What makes her insecure or unsafe is the unknown, though like I said before she also gets excited (idk its king of like how some people get watching horror movies). Um… having to face her fears and stuff, I don’t know really, she just likes to know things so not knowing kinda makes her uncomfortable.

Questions About Creating Your OCs:

1 What was the first element of your OC that you remember considering (name, appearance, backstory, etc.)?

Ooookay… honestly I have no idea. I want to say that I wanted to play a dragon born first? But it also could have been that I wanted to play a sorcerer. It was one of those though I believe. I think maybe the latter cause I wanted to play a magical character, so I looked through the different types and settled on a sorcerer cause they were KINDA both fighting and magic.

3 How did you choose their name?

Yeah… this one I don’t have a super fancy long answer. The name popped in my head and would not go away so I was like “Okay, Blaine it is then.” … yeahhhhh thats pretty much it.

8 What (if anything) do you relate to within their character/story?

For what I relate to in their character I’ll answer in the next one (spoilers its pretty much everything). However for the story I can say nothing really. I’m an only child while Blaine has two siblings. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents while Blaine had an okay one but didn’t interact with them much. I guess I kind of had a traumatic experience when I was younger? But its not like it unlocked any magic abilities… I wish. I didn’t have one specific mentor though I had some pretty good teachers growing up…. Yeah nothing in the story really is related to me, character though is a completely different story.

9 Are they based off of you, in some way?

Yes, completely yes. I mean, I’m not a dragon born sorcerer, but in terms of personality (besides Blaine being a little more extroverted) we are pretty much the same. I base a lot of how she acts and reacts and stuff like that based on how I would, so as a person, Blaine is pretty much me aside from a few details.

12 What have you found to be most difficult about creating art for your OC (any form of art: writing, drawing, edits, etc.)?

Hahahaha… the fact that I made her a dragon born and I CANNOT DRAW DRAGONS TO SAVE MY LIFE. LIKE IDK HOW AT ALL SO I CANT EVEN DRAW HER IF I WANTED TO. So, yeah drawing has become frustrated where when I even try I get so sick of it I can’t do it anymore. Writing though is great! Ive began writing a lot more short stories and I love it! Im actually in the middle of writing a couple of things with her and the gang and I’m really excited to post them :)

13 How far past the canon events that take place in their world have you extended their story, if at all?

Um… well Im not entirely sure how far canon will go really so… not entirely sure. At one point I did have her death planned, but that even has changed and I don’t even have a concrete idea for it. I suppose I kind of planned a little farther in her future when she is older, but not much besides she keeps helping people as long as she is physically able.

19 What is your favorite fact about your OC?

Mm, okay I have two really and they are both super stupid silly things, but you asked. One is that Blaine is the Door Killer™. She has and will destroy all the doors with a single blow. And the other is that she always will have a multitude of daggers on her. Even as a kid she found/had daggers so much that her siblings stopped trying to take them from her and instead just taught her how to handle them safely.

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