#its hard not to be like super emotional
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love how after ibuki's performance at fuyuhikos recovery party everyone was like panicking and bawling and throwing up, shocked and chilled by what they just heard, meanwhile i imagine fuyuhiko is just like. grinning like omg.. for me? :))
#he was the only one who enjoyed that song besides hiyoko#giggling like wow..she threw a party for me...#if u saw me edit this bc i had the confidence to share my doodle no you didnt#its so hard to convey gundhams emotions just through eyes#PLEASE grow some brows gundham#bongo art#fuyuhiko kuzuryu#kazuichi soda#kazuichi souda#gundham tanaka#art#digital art#danganronpa#super danganronpa 2#danganronpa v2#danganronpa v2 goodbye despair#sdr2
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hii hiii is it alright if I request something with kotoko and haruka?(platonic ofc) their character foils drive me insane with all the weak stuff authngghn icant be normal about them
Oooh thank you so much for the request! I realized that these two actually have one of the smallest windows to talk easily, given Haruka's nervousness and Kotoko's T2 changes. They have such interesting approaches to strength/weakness, and I hope I could capture it a bit here! This takes place immediately following Kotoko's bday timeline after Harrow's release:
“I’ll accept those birthday wishes…” Kotoko gave him a wave over her shoulder as she returned to making her bed.
She shook her head in awe. It was rather impressive how quickly the boy had changed after his verdict. The others had more subtle differences, but he was someone entirely new. She could rest easy, at least, knowing that her verdict wouldn’t change her much. For as long as she could remember, she’d been like this. She knew where she stood, and neither guilty nor innocent verdict would affect that. This verdict was really only an indicator on whether the warden could be trusted or not.
Her body tensed up when she turned back around, startled by Haruka lingering silently in the doorway. She decided against chastising him for scaring her half to death. Still, she couldn’t keep the bite from her voice as she asked, “did you need something else?”
“Ah… I just…” He twisted his hands together. “I had a question.”
He fell silent, but Kotoko could tell he was chewing on his next words. She waited.
“H-how do you do it? All the time? You’re older and stronger and braver and I-I just don’t know how.”
“Give yourself some credit. I’m not that much older, or stronger. I only have, what -- two, three years on you? And you did very well in the arm wrestling tournament the other day.”
She wasn’t being patronizing. For someone so sheltered, Haruka could do some damage. He stood a few inches taller than her. The others had taken the arm wrestling as a little game, but Kotoko had used the event to measure up her fellow prisoners. After his close match with Mikoto, she had made a mental note to take him seriously.
“No…” his expression twitched, getting frustrated with the misunderstanding. “Not muscles. I mean… you don’t have someone like Muu. You don’t need someone next to you all the time. But you still talk with everyone… and it looks easy. All the time. You always know what to say, and what to do. You never look scared. You never cry.”
Kotoko’s smile softened. She wasn’t the prideful type, but his words gave her a wave of accomplishment. She certainly was scared. She did cry. But she wasn’t about to show a single crack in her resolve in front of anyone here. Haruka had given her the greatest of compliments by confirming her success.
“Ah, you mean strength of spirit. Well, that doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It comes with my purpose, with my virtues.”
“Virtues…?”
“I see the injustice around me, and want to protect the innocent. When I see how awful the world can be, when I see the monsters that are hurting those who are weak, I can’t help myself.” She clenched her fist. “The power to do so just comes to me.”
“Oh…” Haruka looked down at his palms.
Her heart sank, realizing he didn’t quite understand. It was a shame that not all of humanity could be as righteous as her. That heroic drive had always come so naturally to her; she wasn’t sure she could put it into words to explain to others.
Haruka’s open hands were trembling. “Um. Is there any other way?”
“Hm?”
“All my life… I only cause pain to everyone.” His worry gradually turned to desperation.” I hurt everyone who gets close to me. Especially things that are small and weak. My whole life, I’ve been nothing but a… a curse. So… is there another way? Please. I want to be better. I want to be strong! I want to be like you! Tell me!”
He stepped forward, pleading. Kotoko stepped back.
His blue eyes widened at her sudden shift into defense. “Ah! I. I’m sorry. I’m-I’m sorry. It’s your birthday. You should be… Have a g-good day.”
“Wait.” Kotoko stopped him before he could flee. She was aware of the massive gap between them, the vastly different backgrounds they came from. Still, she offered the same advice that had helped her in her toughest of days.
“Don’t worry so much about others’ strength. The quickest way to burn yourself out is getting overwhelmed with the power that’s all around you. Once you start putting all your focus toward honing your own skills and strengths, you’ll realize how much you’re truly capable of. You don’t need anyone else. You’ll realize that you are enough.”
“I… am enough…?”
She placed a hand firmly on his shoulder.
“So, no need to get all worked up now, okay?”
“O-okay. I’ll do my best.” He stiffened, trying to appear worthy of her words.
She let out a bitter laugh. “I told the others not to do anything for my birthday, but I don’t think they paid me any mind.” Kotoko still couldn’t fathom how they were so friendly with each other given the situation. “Let’s go see if there’s some cake or something.”
#milgram#kotoko yuzuhira#haruka sakurai#thank you so much! this one was super interesting to write 👀#the thing is even though they dont have any direct problem between them they would still have a hard time communicating#but once they DO communicate there would so much they could learn from/help each other with!!!#this is leaning into my theory that kotokos murder (like harukas) was a rightful emotion that spiraled out of control#it really puts it into perspective how young kotoko is when you remember shes not too much older than haruka#and theyre both susceptible to strong emotions that stem from feeling weak int he face of the big scary world#but kotokos sees her as some blessing of power to serve her heroic thoughts and haruka sees his as a curse#ty to my pals who helped me find the exact spot in the timeline i was looking for 🙏#although kotoko doesnt believe she can change that easily she 100% undergoes the exact type of dramatic change as the others#once again referencing the arm wrestling info from yamanaka#between that and the fact that strangulation actually takes a fair amount of power#i just think its very good to remember that haruka is so physically strong#also something something kids looking up and wanting to be like kotoko and her complex emotions on that....#these two are sooooo interesting AH#drabbles
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WHO'S FUCKING HYPE FOR YUKI VS CHOSO
#MEEEEEEE#RAHGHGHHHH IM SO EXCITED IVBE BEEN FREAKING OUT OVER THIS FOR MONTHSSSS#i finished choreographing the fight and its gonna be SO COOL!!! obsessed with how their techniques interact with each other#i had to study the manga so hard and confuse then un-confuse then re-confuse myself again. why is blood manipulation so CONFUSING.#fortunately i have FIGURED IT OUT and we are ready to go babey!! i be making up physics shit for star rage too!!!#i feel like this is def one of the more hype fights in tpg and the choreo/technique composition is probably the coolest#but its also super emotional and lowkey devastating#THE TPG PROMISE!!!!#tpg
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lynnie mentioned a "tseng family barbecue" and i'm so obsessed with the image of that akjhjkaj it's an incredible picture in my mind
everyone is having a good time. tai's dad is grilling premium kobe beef steaks like 'who wants some MEAT', looking super sexy and dilf-like at the grill ...
meanwhile tai is in the corner like
i hate you i hate you i hate you, i'm crushing you with my MIND
#tai: * ANGRILY CRONCHS ON BBQ CHIPS!!!! * while everyone is having a grand old time adhjjaj#no but fr there's something so hard to explain that i love about their dynamic... how anger @ Gioven is almost a form of familial intimacy.#because almost Everyone loves his dad or at least enjoys his company.......#EXCEPT for people who get super close to him.#bc his dad is one of those people whose so charming & fun to be around but... those in his fam learned the hard way:#you can't depend on him. you can't emotionally rely on him. he hurts everyone who gets close to him bc of his selfishness. hes kinda toxic.#but he's so fun to be around & most people never have to get close to him so it's like...... his barbs never touch them.#which makes tai & the small handful of other people who know that side of him to seem....... almost IRRATIONALLY angry at him.#cus like most other people DON'T GET IT& dont see what the big deal with this guy Is aksjhja.#and i think that makes tai bitter too. like its not FAIR that everyone likes him & gets to see him as a Fun Guy...#but tai & his mom had to experience him as a nightmarish emotional destructor...#idk if that makes sense but if you know someone like that... ?? theN YOU GET IT.... iykyk askjja#but it makes it such a fun funny but also.... ultimately rly Tragic family dynamic.#MY FAV adjkxjj
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I had a really really good time at the mario movie, it was a super fun watch and chris pratt's voice acting was honestly fine. like, it wasn't MARIO, but it wasn't terrible at the very least. you know what the ACTUAL problem with the mario movie was? the embarrassing girlbossification of Peach and how the film industry still cannot understand the concept of what a strong female character actually means LOL
#LIKE IT WAS HARD TO WATCH I had a lot of second hand embarrassment from her dialogue#this whole time people were gearing up to have Chris Pratt be the main problem of the movie but NAHHHH it was literally just . all Peach#Kayla's personal life#Super Mario Bros Movie#good at everything =/= strong female character#give me some FLAWS god DAMN#''oh ahaha i got it on my first try'' no you fucking didnt!! stop!! stop!! give your female characters flaws!!#idiots hold girls to yet another oppressive standard of Existing under the guise of 'see all? THIS is what a strong female looks like'#its just more pressure on girls to be perfect . this shit does not help or represent Anyone#I would MUCH rather have#a Princess Peach that cries + uses her emotions to save a kingdom than some flawless ~*~girlboss~*~ who inexplicably succeeds at everything#once again; that second category represents No One
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#vent post essay ahead lol#having complexes about talking about your emotions is literally the fucking devil . its miserable. it sucks so bad.#the aamount of damage that is caused to someone by like#i mean im talking abou t me here obviously.#being the person whose like. overall ultimately tends not to feel horrible as often is like.#it's nice not feeling bad emotionally all the time but also it's like. i develop this complex about being like able to help.#i don't feel bad anywhere near as often as my friends so i can help them out and listen to them vent i can have the mental room to#like listen to them talk about their problems. yeah. but it makes me feel like. well this is my job now so i shouldn't fucking talk about m#i shouldnt vent when i feel bad because that's not what i'm known for. plus my friends already all feel worse than me more often than me. s#i don't want to dump any more on their plate than they have to deal with. i don't want to burden them anymore than i have to. and like it's#it's hard. i hate fucking talking about it and it's made so much worse when its like people i love . always been a fucking problem becaus#i just feel fucking horrible admitting that i feel bad i hate that so much. i don't want to like turn away people who care about me but li#i feel like if i tell them what's wrong with me i'll like do it anyways. i feel like i come off as super normal and happy go lucky and like#ostensibly fine. so when i admit this shit its like. oops the facade is cracking!!!!!! uh oh uh oh you can't help people so you feel bad!!!#because your fucking npd has made you feel self centered in a way that means you want to help people or some shit i dont fucking know#and so when i feel bad or get mad over something unreasonable it's like. well i hope i fucking keel over and die or something i dont like .#i don't want people seeing me like this or whatever. and my stupid fucking personality disorder just ruins every god damn thing its so bad.#my past experiences giving me complexes that lead to me feeling fucking left out over like small stupid stuff but god the worst part is lik#my brain categorizing something as being ''My Thing'' so somebody else talks about liking my thing AFTER my brain has designated it mine#makes alarm bells go off and feel like theyre fucking. i don't know encroaaching on my turf or what the fuck ever? it SUCKS ASS#it makes me feel HORRIBLE . and it's like i'm not gonna fucking bring it up because i don't wnt to be like a dick but also it's like well.#i feel fucking miserable about this but it's just like mean and unnecessary and cruel to like stifle people's fucking fun because of my dum#fuckin complexes. it's fucking constant. like oh look at you girl you feel fucking left out because you never get characters who really gri#you mentally and so now you have one but oops! someone else talked about them and now you're seeing red! you like this person though#so you're gonna feel fucking MISERABLE about this . you're gonna feel HORRIBLE because of this. and there's nothing you can fucking do#and it controls my goddamn life and i HATE IT i fucking HATE IT i wish i knew how to fix it. ghghrgurghrughruhg i want to fucking explode#and then you feel bad about feeling bad because you are fucking sisyphus. you're sisyphus. and your own anger is your boulder. you ingrate.#i hate this. i just wanted to have a good day.#jane mary cry one tear
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yknow as much as the (deserved) inazuma backlash has clearly changed hoyos writing for the better i do think there v much is one completely wrong lesson theyve taken from it and thats incorporating story quests into the AQ sequence (and specifically how theyve never attempted it again)
the concept itself was Never inherently bad. in fact it unironically has a ton of potential bc you could lessen the need for sudden character specific exposition in the AQ AND pull off way more high-stakes and timeline-specific plotlines in the SQs by ensuring players will experience it at the intended place and time.
the issue was that they introduced a bleak depressing inazuma in the middle of a fucking civil war and then went omg AQ on pause!!! lets go to a festival with ayaka and u will be her first friend ever OwO yoimiyas is at least vastly better written and actually involves the VH and sakoku decrees so its always been a favorite of mine but even then im sure theres things worth criticism in there its just been 2 years so i cant analyze it off the top of my head. but the greatest offender has always been the way ayakas comes with such a complete tonal dissonance it just takes you out of the atmosphere they spent the entire act I building up.
and it rly makes me sad bc i Know hoyo took the backlash about interrupted pacing and disjointed tone as "ok story quests bad as AQ requirements" when its like. no the one you wrote just sucked
AQ incorporated story quests need to have a damn good reason to be mandatory at that specific point and while its far from perfect i DO think yoimiyas fulfills that! but ayakas doesnt! at all! and like im realizing the issue is also in how genshins made it a standard that a character must receive a story quest Instantly on release. so i guess ayakas had to be in between acts I and II for plot reasons but like. that being the case then the story quest itself shouldve focused on a completely different theme as opposed to her very predictable tropey personal problems that werent even explored properly imo. like im sure plenty of depth and nuance in her characterization was lost in translation but i almost cry laughed the first time the restaurant vendor went "oh ayaka is lonely because she is so perfect that no one sees her as a friend but instead an aspiration" like what in the 3rd grader writing mary sue self insert fic tarnation 💀 you couldve worded that exact same concept in 12 different ways to make it actually sound poignant and you did That SHAHSKSJSKDLJH
(and a quick addition before i get accused of being a blind hater hater lmao. here goes: "the burdens of miss ayakas position as the public face of the kamisato make it difficult for her to shed the mask of practiced perfection. i think people struggle to see her as a person whod enjoy simple things in life like friendship just like everyone else when theyre so used to viewing her as an unreachable figurehead." there. now its way more clearly nuanced. this took me 3 minutes and is far from any fluid writing yet. the difference is staggering)
but like. as a result this ambiguous timeline limbo most story quests end up falling into is genuinely a shame bc i do think theres potential in attempting the ayaka n yoi thing again but with characters for whom it makes sense and actually enhances the AQ experience by necessitating it. and yeah yeah ik genshin wants to be casual friendly so they dont want to force ppl to do quests they dont like for AQ so its unrealistic to expect them to ever try it out again but man
as long as they pick the right place and time and characters for it they could massively alleviate the issue of some story quests contents ending up feeling like somewhat empty fluff bc they cant assume what point a player will be in the main plot could be so they lack actually impactful lore and or character beats.
obviously im not a writer at hoyo and idk how much backlash the ayaya/yoi situation got them but like. idk. taking the lesson "never do anything like inazuma again" isnt rly what id consider the full picture. inazuma does suck and has clunky moments throughout but like in 2.0 people were still hype! inazuma had good ideas and concepts and attempted sth that couldve been great the issue isnt inazuma bad on all levels its that they never delivered its potential and 2.1 was an incredible letdown.
#like idk i dont want to assume but. i Daresay of recent quests. neuvillettes SQ will NOT hit the same if its not in between acts 4 and 5#it does SO MUCH to expand on his character and relationship to fontaine and humanity and as a result act 5 emotional climax hits so hard#bc youve literally Been there seeing him retrospect on the way he and the melusines have gone from distrusted outsiders#to beloved members of the community. like hes super well written in the AQ either way but witnessimg that growth does sooo much for him#& adds weight to his ultimate choice to forgive the original sin of fontaines people. but played post act 5 idk if will hit the same at all#its still gonna be good im sure but. it was so scrumptious in between acts 4 and 5#anywau. idk i just think more charaxters could get expanded moments and interesting dynamic stories#if this option of an AQ tied story quest was utilized well#thats all its just my thoughts in here. bouncing in my skull. slappimg together like fish in a barrel#genshin#rambles
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its just that stede gets run through while everyone is watching, smack dab in the middle of like The most public common space on deck, and he still gets left pinned there overnight
and it’s like okay yeah stede is not a good communicator! stede has to work on that, yes even after his big s1 finale epiphany about being in love! but this scenario here, this one, it’s kind of a whole other metaphor!!
bc somehow even when literally everyone watches him get hurt and knows that it’s painful and the evidence is very blatantly right there in the open, and he’s pinned there in it unable to get himself out! somehow the onus ends up on stede to drop a big hint before anyone thinks to offer that help to him!
and at the end of the day im like if he couldnt get practical straightforward help in this one situation where he absolutely should NOT have had to ask or hint to get that help, idk that it’s so shocking that he didn’t really get any better at openly talking through his own emotional issues tbqh
#ofmd#stede bonnet#our flag means death#like i know its a whole complicated issues and ik the sword thing was played for ofmd muppet style comedy i just!#stede is nothing if not many times bitten twice shy about expressing himself in the emotional vulnerability arena!#stede has not found the safe space for himself that he craves he has not been told or shown that he has that safe space!#and its very cyclical bc if he expressed his self loathing and insecurity and trauma w ed or the crew he would absolutely get that safety#but bc he doesnt know he will have it he is not open about this stuff bc hes terrified to lose what he does have#like the crew is super supportive after the ep 8 breakup but its a different Vibe?#idk its hard to explain its very late at night rn#stede is so good at putting on a show but struggles so hard with getting himself genuinely seen and acknowledged
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i am soooo good at getting emotional over children's media but not in a fandom way in like a. oh god i care about people so much way
#its shel silverstein this time kldfjhd#watched a good vid essay abt his work and going through the comments of the vid and oughh theyre getting me to tears actually#ive gotten this emotional abt dragon tales and fraggle rock before lol#idk man maybe im super sappy but i find myself so very touched by media made for kids that is made with a genuine care#whether its a desire to teach people how to deal with emotions. to “end wars” in fraggle rock's case iirc#or just having such a respect for kids to want them to have these profound messages that stick with them into adulthood#ogh. ogggh. maybe this is why im an education major lol#rando thoughtz#edit additions bc im thinking abt it now after i already hit post#silverstein's poem Whatif like. particularly hit me hard rn when i heard it now#bc im like. well not to divulge into in a public setting but ive been really struggling with anxiety lately#its been p fucking bad#and that poem was like. ah thats literally how its been for me so many times ive been left alone with my thoughts in my bed#and it was like that a lot as a kid too ngl. so it makes me a little sad that i dont think i ever read that one as a kid#or if i did i didnt remember it. but its here for me now and its. comforting to have what ive been going through be in text for kids
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hi nia, i hope u r doing good! i just wanted to drop by and lyk that to me u r The Keiji Expert, like u know him so well!!! and have such a good grasp on his character and everything i love it !!!!!!
pls drop any and all of ur thoughts for him, i live for them
GUH?! guys every time i write him i'm like wowww... this is kind of ass.. LOL it's the same thing w aki.. don't trust myself... agh. anyway. THANK U VERY MUCH!!! 🙆🏻♀️🙆🏻♀️ this + bkak + being nice silly and fun are all i need to be known for so i've basically succeeded in Tumblr atp. yeagh. AKAASHI!
when it comes to merch and decor,, he's more likely to focus on walls + figures.. he doesn't know where to put a bunch of plushies BSHSJDJS i don't think he'd get Big figures, except maybe a couple for his absolute favourites.. twas an investment. that shit is expensive. < girl who wanted this aki figure ☹️
^ picture of u on the wall that's always visible while he works. Always.
even if his background isn't a photo of you guys, he'd do photo widgets on his phone !! ^____^
i don't think he does anything with phone contacts... it's just their name and a lot of the time he doesn't put an icon or anything 😭 he'd add a heart emoji next to ur name and of course have a photo for u though!! 🥹
his bag has a dedicated sort of trash pocket that's just a mess a lot of the time BSHSJDJ he throws sticky notes, wrappers, etc. in there if there isn't a garbage can nearby 😭
Cosplayer Keiji 🤯🤯 GELLOOO my god. he could be hirotaka just by putting on a suit tbh. and then i'd explode obviously. but like... cosplayer keiji.... if anypony has ideas for who/what he could cosplay Pls let me know. HAAGHHHH
couple cosplays 😂🤣😂🤣😵 MY LEG. i just keeled over HOWL AND SOPHIE mmmgmynhgsieonHAJAOAN🤯🤯🤯
whatveer. idont even care
tucking him in 🙂↕️🙂↕️ you do it as a joke but of course he goes with it and lets you wrap him up and take off his glasses and kiss his head and he's smiling the Entire Time ohlymgocxnomymekdjn
going with jokes. yeah. he just goes with your shit a lot of the time because he trusts you LOL. you try couple trends and pranks and he gives you suspicious looks but does what you ask anyway.
^ the lipstick trend ☹️☹️☹️ WHYYY MYGODD WHYYY . YOU. 🫵🫵 Reader. take a breath and imagine him with a baggy t-shirt and messy hair and glasses and lipstick stains all over him and his hands on your waist while you kiss him and him going "another one?" with a breathy laugh WJYYY MY MISERABELLFIEEJEID😭😭😭😭😭
hhahh... Haggghhhhhh......... my chest iscaving ijn
Ok. you know the "his gaze softened" thing. yeah. well. for keiji it's not like. mean cold broody guy who gets soft. it's the quiet but nice guy who evidently feels out of place and is anxiously looking around who relaxes and smiles when he sees you enter the room WHO'S WITH ME!
He likes I Will by Mitski. he's a Mitski Enjoyer. Because I Say So. he's my beautiful boyfailure prince angel loser cat who fell into a bowl of water of course he likes mitski guysplels keiji i thinkzYou'd love a loving feeling and the frost and real men and humpty and pink in the night and nobody and should've been me And
occasional punk/metal enjoyer keiji .? walk with me. someone take my hand. ptv slipknot soad korn orbit culture somebody needs to walk with me here
doesn't have a huge appetite... if he's at hot pot he can probably finish but 1) he's full and 2) he planned what he'd get based on past failures to finish his food. like i love boyfriends who can finish your meal if you can't (< girl who gets full) but i think things may end up a team effort 🫡🫡
just lies on the floor and listens to music sometimes. if you walk in on him he doesn't move but will welcome you to join him with open arms ! 🫂
oh 🥹 keiji working super hard on gifts for you... coloured paper and youtube videos so he can figure out how to make a paper flower bouquet 🥹 he starts getting paper crafts/origami skills because of this fr fr
you get it.
#🧾nia.answers#<3 anon#luvring.txt#tried to keep this on the shorter side Lest I Run out of content...#my bad if ive ever mentioned any of this before. will not be checking. LOL#keiji im always like. am i projecting way too hard. and aki its like Well what if im just straight up super wrong HDOENDKSN#will kick my feet and giggle at this 4ever#really not sure where all u nice anons come from but ☹️☹️🥹🥹 i appreciate u very much u make my day for realsies#REALLY AND TRULY!! ive been an emotional shit show since october so im vry grateful 4 u guys 🫡☹️🫵🫂#hope U r doing good nonnie!!! im doing ok btw. spring term soon but im doing a soc class so im happy 🫡🙂↕️
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totally normal non-weird beat doodle that has no insane creepypasta joke au baggage (<- BLATANT LIE (WARNING FOR GORE/BODY HORROR IN LINK))
#jet set radio#pokepasta#creepypasta#beat jsr#explorers of death#crossover#blood#jsr eod#me making the eod jsr joke au like ''theres no way ill think too hard about the implications of this and get genuinely sad''#<- GUY WHO ALWAYS THINKS TOO HARD ABOUT THE IMPLICATIONS OF JOKES AND GETS GENUINELY SAD#for those who arent familiar with explorers of death (why would you even look at this post? go read it)#[SPOILERS] squirtle (who beat is in the role of in this au) Wins at the end by murdering vulpix and thus becoming the True Hero#but like. the myras are essentially meant to be the Same Person yknow. and just fucking hate each other#beat and corn are. yknow... presumably. friends. not to even fucking mention gum as shadow who is SUPER doomed#so. basically. me joking aroudn like ''lmao joke eod crossover au where the ggs murder each other''#''........OH GOD. I JUST MADE A FUCKING AU WHERE THE GGS MURDER EACH OTHER. WHY DID I DO THAT?''#EXPLORERS OF DEATH ALWAYS MAKES ME SAD WHY DID I THINK /THIS/ WOULDNT MAKE ME SAD#also the worst part is the reason i even started thinking about this too hard is becasue me and pseud put eod!beat in our joke crossover rp#WITH THE GODDAMN YOYO WAREHOUSE (LONG STORY)#SO IVE BEEN FORCED TO THINK ABOUT HIM LONG ENOUGH THAT ITS MAKING ME FEEL SHRIMP EMOTIONS#ABOUT THIS GODDAMN AU THAT INTENTIONALLY DOESNT ACTUALLY HAVE ANY INTERNAL CONSISTENCY#THEY STILL LIVE IN TREASURE TOWN LIKE ITS A PMD GAME FOR GODSSAKES#every day i spiral further into my ouroboros of madness and its my own fault
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angel on my shoulder, before starting another book or pdf: 🤨 u gonna finish one of the 10+ you started?
#im almost done with quite a few. thats fhe annoying thing ... i always wanna start smthn new lol#im almost done reading: ice and fire; the way i used to be (not a fan but my sis loves it. so I wanna finish it) and#wait. thats it. everything else im like half way or less through.......#oh wait theres “got parts”.. but idk if i wanna finish that one. idk how i felt abt that book despite osdd#i started hunger games but might drop it. only read it bc my rm was briefly super into it hehe#then started on MANY psychology books. the body keeps the score (so hard to read) and emotional incest syndrome (that book hurts)#started on the haunted self... and a pdf about mycology...#anddddd somatoform dissociation by Nijenhuis#and so many more pdfs where i got like >40 pages in and dropped it#>_< my self discipline and ability to finish something is shite as one can see lol#my aunt offered me books and i couldn't resist. i took some home#maybe i should start bringing books at work and readin them during lunch hehe um#i feel like once i get into that zone its easy to read but the hard part is tapping into that zone rip#that being said i wanna make it my goal to finish ice and fire by dworkin. a gritty book... but her writing style is absolutely beautiful..#and finish the way i used to be. its taken me .... an ungodly amount of time to be almost done w that one#edit a few hrs later: finished “the way i used to be” yay. FINALLY.#it made me cry :( even if its a clunkily written YA book.. edy is such a good portrayal of self destruction + hypersexuality bc trauma...#idk a better way to word it but even if the book had its flaws... the ending just rlly hits ;-;
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*slaps the roof of my davey jacobs* this bad boy can fit SO much autistic projecting
#ahh the autistic experience of living in a constant dissassociative state as a means of self preservation#essentially compartmentalizing your body into something separate from your own being - kind of like a meat puppet!#because if you connect your body to your mind then you will inevitably collapse under the weight of your own unending mental torment!#so it's better to just live in a half-awake limbo of reality keeping any emotions at an arms reach as a method of survival!!#why are you crying??? it's not UNHEALTHY i'm just kinning davey jacobs SUPER HARD!!! OKAY!!!! ITS F I N E!!!!!#(disclaimer: i am mentally stable i prommy im just reflecting on times when i wasnt ok haha byesies)#newsies#davey jacobs#david jacobs
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have you dated a lot?
Not really! I've had 3 official relationships, 1 with a girl and 2 with guys... the girl was first and the guys were after that because I wasn't 100% sure if I was gay. After I broke up with the second guy I just kinda stopped dating altogether for a long while and slowly realized and accepted that I was indeed gay and that I missed being with a girl and that the idea of spending my life with a man didn't appeal to me at all, even though I like guys as friends and can find them cute and attractive and whatnot sometimes too. MOSTLY I've just been single for long periods of time though, and rn I'm like the constant single 9th wheel of my friend group which is getting pretty old hahaha
#the only one i ever felt in love with was the girl but unfortunately it was a v toxic relationship too#i'm more than ready to meet the girl of my dreams and settle down for real now but#i live on an island that is like#EVERYONE knows each other and its super insular and old fashioned in ways so that doesnt really help either#you always feel like somebody's mom is gonna be all in your business or your classmate from grade 4 or sthg and its hard to meet people#especially if youre gay but#im also just really bad at displaying my interest in people i find attractive hahaha#i get told im kinda like daria or something just like hard to read and deadpan#even when i think im being obvious about my emotions#so other people usually have to pursue me#for anything much to happen#mostly im just shy and also worried ill annoy people by coming onto them if they arent interested or also gay hahaha#p
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Ughghh being an easily emotional person is not always fun :((
#because sometimes its super nice how i can indulge in big emotions!#earlier today i got a comment from an artist i love on one of my fics and literally did a happy dance around the apartment#got a silly text from my dad and was tapping my feet at my desk about it#but like now im looking job applications and im not even doing anything and im crying over it being overwhelming#i havent even submitted anything!! i havent done any of the hard part!! im just looking at normal listings!!#and its so emotionally consuming i dont understand#>:((( why#days that make me want to rewatch all of mp100 at once and get the kind of insight on emotions that mob always gives me#vent#delete later
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goodnight-not-goodnight tumblr :)
(im going to go curl up and write for a while. probably also work on writing down some concepts for fics i need to work on)
#haunted ecosystem#animal death#for the tags#im veeeery tired and my emotions are a little out of wack (had a weird day yesterday and my brain hasnt fully caught up yet so. yeah)#today is a day where i feel like a scared rabbit in the world.#i know i have a whole bit about being super content and loving and happy and all that but people are people yknow?#its hard to kill something thats embedded in the very way you function. you cant convince your heart to stop beating because it hurts#etc etc dont mind me ^_^ im just putting my thoughts into words.#i realize a lot of stuff i do circles around to rabbits and dogs. dead or alive it doesnt matter.#you handle enough dying animals you learn to embed that into the way you think and work. i forgot most people arent used to that stuff#to most people death is a rarity to avoid. to me its just a part of life. every few months im holding something as it dies.#its interesting. i appreciate death in the same way i hear people talk of life. its beautiful in its own way.
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