#its all on me and im not up to the task and i hate that its asked of me in the first place. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

amygdalae · 1 year

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I'm going to kill my coworker with a hammer

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pl4n · 10 days

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from a while back

#my art #rare colored drawings #even if its just flats #i feel like ill only ever post art if i want to rant in the tags LOL its awesome #sometimes theres just those kinda vague thoughts and feelings that feel a little pointless to actually talk to people about yk #its nice having a lil blog to throw stuff into :) journaling i guess #i dunno i feel stressed thinking abt juggling all the different life things. its smth i see expressed a lot and yeah. literally how #i kinda think hmm i should slowly incorporate things one by one. but then its like damn life just flies tf by and youve done jack shit #but then when im actually doing things i feel like things just keep piling up and idk how long i can sustain it until it all falls down #i guess this anxiety kinda comes from having had really poor mental health during my school yrs... maybe i still do but ahh #i just wonder when the next time that everything comes crashing is gonna be yk. it feels so inevitable but the stakes only get higher #so i dunno. ive been having a hard time sleeping from anxiety.. which gives me more anxiety... which gives me even more anxiety #im supposed to be cramming these tasks into these little pockets of time but i blink and a day is gone and then a week and a month.. a year #i want to do the things i have to do but also the things i want to do. but also REST #and ik that the balance between those things is extremely necessary.. bc losing that balance is exactly how shit hits the fan #hows anyone gonna manage that?#but i guess learning to do that is what life is all about.... lmfaooooooooooooooo #time keeps slipping man i hate it #ill keep trying tho ✌️ all i can do

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levi-dayne · 1 month

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being autistic -> 🫠

vent in tags

#im so fucking burnt out #its so frustrating bc according to my parents im 'high functioning' and 'shouldnt let my autism impact me that much'#beyond that being outdated like they didnt just slap an autism label on me for FUN. its bc i fucking have autism #so yes i have difficulties related to my autism. they dont understand and its so frustrating theyre always on my ass about things i CANT do #or struggle doing bc im autistic and burnt out and i hate this so much #and i called my mom out on it and she said 'well i didnt say you dont struggle just that it should be manageable'#okay but its fucking not???????#like i stg they think my autism is JUST special interests and sensory issues. which its fucking not.#i struggle taking care of myself. i struggle interacting with people. i struggle with keeping up with things or switching between tasks #and dont even get me started on my DAD he doesnt even believe the doctors that im autistic #he compared my inability to understand social cues to wanting to be a bitch but being forced to repress it #like dude. when people perceive me as being a bitch its not bc im failing at hiding it #its bc i genuinely cant tell if my words or body language is coming across as bitchy even when i dont have any underlying resentment #he doesnt even think im autistic which is so frustrating #my mom begrudgingly accepts it but my dad thinks the LICENSED PROFESSIONALS are wrong #he hasn't done ANY research on autism EXCEPT to correct me when i say autism instead of autism spectrum disorder #which is also bullshit bc he and my mom use outdated terms like aspergers all the fucking time #(and ableist slurs)#im just so overwhelmed and i cant function #personal posts 😌✨️✨️

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volivolition · 2 months

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what's the theme you're fucking going for here voliiii!!! what are you fucking getting at!!! what are you trying to say, what's the point??

#still working on this drama chapter in Swept Up. they're. confusing to work with? from an empathy standpoint at least.#skill who is trying to honestly understand the other skills VS skill who is just always lying and putting on an act.#and then theres the whole thing that im not going to spoil yet but the dynamic. fuck man. i dont even know what im trying to say here #lying is bad? no i dont care about that. honest communication is important maybe? i feel like i need a central theme for this.#and i dont want the theme to be ''empathy good'' because low-empathy people are also good and i love them!! and also:#empathy is a flawed character!! i try to portray this. i dont like moralism/centrism which empathy believes in and is the main skill for #empathy you stupid centralist (affectionate) i know this is just because you don't know how to make everyone happy. who can fix this?#you dont think you can fix this! you feel too much debilitating sadness to make meaningful change!! responsibilite to others more capable #still. i do depict empathy as often kind on a small level because i think that's in character. empathy just helps you understand.#i guess this fic is also a ''empathy doesn't mean kindness. kindness is a choice you can make afterwards but empathy just means empathy''#but that's not a centralizing theme that all the chapters share. its also about vulnerability and the mortifying ordeal of being known #urgh. i'll think about it some more. knowing me its probably another ''love (in all forms) is the meaning to life'' type story lmao <3 #i need to make a skill chart for this harry. all i know is that Volition is his skill signature but Empathy is his highest stat #hyper-empathetic harry with the rsd that comes from adhd!! haha!! suffering. everybody fucking hate you. this is based on me btw lmao #i was working on voli's chapter which has a flashback and child empathy! new to the mindspace looking out through harry's eyes and crying #the world is full of sad people and it's just too much for a lil guy! the backstory i have planned for this like. huh okay. wild. anyway!!#oh shit ive made a fucking breakthrough with the drama chapter. its not a theme but its something i figured out at least. we stay winning!!#chemi chats #task: swept up

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opens-up-4-nobody · 10 months

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...

#it's so weird trying to describe yourself when u really aren't something u used to be #like until i was probably 21 or so id say i was shy. very very shy. but now im like was that even true? was i ever shy bc im not now #maybe i was just quiet and anxious. maybe thats just what being shy is. but im still both of those things but im not shy #im sorta like a hermit. i dont really go around ppl if i can avoid it but i dont hate being around ppl. its just that im less anxious when #im alone. but if u put me around ppl i like to talk to them so im not shy. ill say whatever. i dont really give a fuck #but if u throw me in a group i go back to being a non entity. i guess thats just being an introvert with an asocial streak #thats a thing i noticed while i was at the grad weekend i attended in march. the group would gather and do things while i kinda just #wandered away from them to poke at trees and sit in the snow. i dunno i just feel better away from ppl. my brain gets a lot louder if ive #been too social. which is a shame bc its interesting to watch ppl and understand how thry work #my friend came over to day goodbye before i leave next week. which was nice. i wish we would have hung out more in person but so it goes #and i think in my head im a lot more contained thst i actually am. like if u set me a task that becomes my focus but im also sorta all over #the place. partly bc i think my brain works on like a lag. and also my mood is a little elevated rn so im sorta like *jazz hands* and #talking too fast and too much and oversharing. yesterday i was instrucing an undergrad and felt so bad bc my brain was all over the place.#could not b made linear. im tired now tho bc theres nothing more draining than being emotionally honest and talking for like 2hrs. woof. it #so hot. like fucking so hot bc the monsoons have started and humidity is up so my swamp cooler is fucked and its gotta b at least 80 degree #inside my apartment. holy christ. and the temp has been over 100 degrees for like at least 2 weeks. its so hot its kinda alarming. and im #glad my friend was also freaked out by how hot its been bc oh god its hot. and i cant focus. ive done fuck all today. but i did get rid of #couch which is so so so great. ugh. someone make the sun stop making it so hot #unrelated #its been over 100 degrees outside for like 2 weeks. not on my apartment #and when i say i wish i spent more time with my friend irl. i mean it in a distant sort of way. like thats how im supposed to feel. like i #dont kno if thats actually what i feel or i kno im supposed to b social but idk if i actually mean it

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squidcandy · 11 months

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I dont understand how you can stand to be active on twt if i saw so many ppl so proudly declaring theyre illiterate id become an international terrorist mailing them bombs. Or whatever. Youre so strong 4 this, i think twt enstarries might be worse than tiktok

Oh It's because I produce akatsuki and nobody reads enough about them to have super annoying takes besides the occasional soumaP that only read Meteor impact

#squid speaks #okay well in all honesty my blocklist on twt is pretty hefty #tiktok is... well its not like anyone talks about aktk there anyways #but i kind of realized i was fighting a losing battle during the element anime release #the amount of keito erasure pissed me off so bad haha #also im going to be completely honest #i need to pqrt bad takes with 20 tweet long responses so much #i cant do that in the tiktok comments section because the comments dont show up in order #also THERES SO MANY FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS ON TIKTOK IT SCARES ME. THOSE GUYS ARE TERRIFYING #also people are really immature about ship hate #also i cant block or mute certain hashtags #anyways getting enstarries to read aktk is my sisyphean task of choice #mihai florescu

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widevibratobitch · 3 months

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visiting my mother. idk what i expected lol

#everyone is fucking dying from cancer now #(except for the one who should be lol my grandma's cancer is benign turns out.#worst person ever award goes to me as always but if someone should die it should be her. there. i said it.#they never should have tried to save her from that stroke)#anyway it's unfair af and my mom doesn't deserve this but again. im the worst person ever but i cant fucking deal with this #i cannot be someone's emotional support. least of all hers. when im in this mental state myself.#obv i should never ever have children. but if i do. id rather fucking kms than cry in front of them. never ever ever ever.#call me a heartless bitch ig but at this point i think ive really stopped caring #i wish this wasnt happening to us i wish i were never born or at the very least i wish i had any siblings #with whom i could share the responsibility. but i dont. im fucking alone man. completely and utterly alone in this.#its all on me and im not up to the task and i hate that its asked of me in the first place.#spoiled ungrateful little brat alert but i just cant. cant bring myself to do this cant bring myself to truly care i genuinely feel nothing #i cant bring myself to stop being selfish in this. who tf knows maybe i do have npd it would explain a lot lol

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nomaishuttle · 6 months

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now heres the thing is my rule is i have to live on my own for a year before im allowed to get a pet but also consider what if i had a little friend .

#in my heart i want a wawa so badly it hurts but alsoooo i worry quite a bit bc like. i work full time... so el wawa would be at home alone a #lot and one thing about the beautiful adorable majestic chihuahua is they have to pee every 3-4 hours. so i would have to have some way to #let them out OR keep them outside while im at work but another thing is 1. apartments dont generally have backyards #2. chihuahuas get cold very easily .... i could do some ssort of doggy daycare but i fear that would be expensive .... and i hate pee pads #and would prefer not 2 use them so i dont rly have much optionn 😭 but i want a chihuahua so badly.#but ALSO. a kitty cat.... i love cats i think theyre really quite sweetsies and also i think they could handle living in an apartment bette #esp since famously cats use the bathroom indoors. u may know.#so... i could potentially get a kitty..... but also i dont want to get one until im absolutely positive i could take good care of it and i #feel like i could esp now that ive got a system that works so well 4 motivating me to do my daily tasks yk. and also i think if i had my ow #apartment id feel a lot safer just like. being up and around the apartment so thatd be good... but also pets r expensive. but also the apt #i just applied to is rly quite cheap (like 1050 a month) its income restricted but i qualify by like a lot LMAO... n this would be perfect #bc 1050 is likee. not even a full paycheck i could pay rent with 1 paycheck and still have like 150 left over and then my other paycheck fo #the month is fully mine... so i could save up lots #+ wsg is included in the rent whichhh is insane. adn the apartment is cute and Trust . alarm bells were going off a bit bc i was like maybe #this is too good to be true we all remember the 800$ scam incident. but its a verified listing and i checked the propertymanagers and theyr #legit... its even got a washer and dryer IN UNIT and also a fitness center which is good bc i wanna try n start doing more cardio...#IT EVEN HAS A FIREPLACE i dont particularly need a fireplace but its cool 2 have one i could make smores right in my very own living room #AND ITS NOT A STUDIO its a 1 br...#grahhh i rly rly rly want ittt ik i prolly wont get it but :[

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0uterspacew0rm · 6 months

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im such a dispassionate person. like im incapable of pursuing anything to completion or maintaining hobbies or delving deep into anything

#like yes i get brainrot for anime and shows n shit. i have a few interests. i do a bit of art a bit of writing #theres so much i wanna learn (like 3 languages linguistics old technology stuff eg dif methods of photography recording web stuff kickboxing #digital art video games birdwatching weightlifting woodwork medieval history coding metalwork poetry. to name a few things)#but i just lose interest and motivation so quickly im so lazy #i never do finished art pieces i have a billion unfinished animatics and plans and ideas i have like 20 unfinished fanfics #like ik i should be happy ive made anything at all but i just wanna be able to rly love something!#but its like. i hate watching ads i despise ads w every fibre of my being. but i cba to figure out how to make adblock work again on yt #so ive just been putting up w it. if i cant even do a simple task thst woudl take me 2 mins how am i going to do anything w my life ever.#not to mention even the easy stuff im bad at. the amount of half finished series unread books unwatched films...#its like what do i even do w my time. what do i have to share w the world what do i have to talk abt what do i have to contribute. nothing

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cats-thoughts · 1 year

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AJJ - Bad Things

#pretending like the lazy background actually has meaning part 5000 when will they stop? never.#I just. hate backgrounds #so this is actually inspired off of the arg Froglord wanted to make #there was a group of 4 of us and I. as like the only one with writing experience as far as i know. was tasked by the froglord -#- to basically write the story of the arg. like come up with the concepts in stuff #and i had a great time! came up with Lost Co (cause that's the 4 of us' group name) and a basic storyline and even a character #and then i am told 'Ok so now we are going to kill All Of Them' and 'its your fault for getting attached to the character'#(not by FL. FL wanted to kill off everyone which I HEAVILY DISAGREED WITH but other person in the group was just kinda rude?)#and I go HEY Killing all of the protags for shock value is Never a good idea No Body Likes That.#No Body Likes A Story Where The Good Guys Lose And Theres Nothing They Could Have Done About It #(okay well maybe SOME people do but personally it always felt so pessimistic and discouraging and quite frankly Lazy.)#and you know. no one was listening to me. they go Ok We Are Going To Kill Everyone and Your Character Is First #Because theyre likable and prepared which will make it twice as gut wrenching ^.^#and I go You Know What. Fine.#AND I BACKED OUT OF THE PROJECT #I mean I just stopped messaging the group chat #never said 'im out' or anything just. stopped taking initiative and messaging #and wouldn't you know it. NOTHING HAPPENED AFTER I LEFT #no one messaged anything tried to plan anything nothing #I dont LIKE to take pride in spiteful shit like that but. Come On. Its a lil ironic.#look man you dont listen to the writer see how far you get #anyways Ive let Lost Co sit and broil in my mind for a while now and i still rlly like the idea #so this is what that is Semi based off of #okay that story makes me sound kind of like an ass. and I was. kinda an ass. but like its not That dramatic I'm serious i literally just #stopped saying 'ok here are concepts for the story here's a few ways we can pull it off what do u guys think any ideas/addons?'#and no one ever messaged the chat again #yeah after my last message- which was that my dad thought it sounded like a bunch of kids took too much lsd cause FL said the forest they #were trapped in was like 3 acres on the outside but 5 on the inside which is. A very very tiny patch of trees to get lost in-#the last message was a kinda uncomfortable mini vent of a friend faking 'the final ouch' as my teacher called it #I love my little guy Lost Co iPod from Kansas ^.^

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milkweedman · 2 years

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Eugh

#think im in a flare up and it just decided to start with my hands this time #was watering the garden earlier and my knees were burning n when i squatted to get at the water spigot my hip nudged itself out #everything is falling apart again (by everything i mean this stupid meat suit)#but also working on my resume like this sure is something #like. 'please hire me i cant do anything 30% of the time and i have constant near impenetrable brain fog #and i will injure myself multiple times a day just doing basic tasks'#and like. i dont want to work. it always results in me pushing myself way past what i can do safely just to keep up with the bare minimum #and it leaves me so exhausted and in pain that i cant do anything else with my tims because im just trying to recover #but also not working means someone else has to pick up my slack and i fucking hate that #ive been thinking about trying to go on disability #i mean i kind of doubt id qualify. and i know its a LONG process. and also im planning on getting married in the next year or two #and im pretty sure that would throw a wrench in it #i dont know... its awful trying to keep up with everyone. i cant do it physically or mentally. but i dont really have a choice but to try ?#at the moment almost all my time and energy is being taken up by being in pain and the rest it is just.#basic maintenance. which i only barely manage to do sometimes #idk !!#chronic illness #my next appointment with pain management isnt for more than a month #gonna ask for something for the joint pain if i can #since nobody can tell whats actually fucking wrong with them the least they could do is just medicate me for it...

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chesacakeripper · 1 year

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Drip feeding 'cleaning the bathroom' by doing a task and then having a sit down, not because it tires me out or anything but I just dislike it so much

#i like hoovering i am fine doing the dishes im cool with tidying up a room #but the bathroom is such a different animal #normally its not my task but im at home so it is my task #partner: god i hate laundry and the dishes but i find cleaning the bathroom good #me: great I'll do all the laundry and dishes #also me: technically working part time so im at home more so the dreaded bathroom is my task now #bathroom and dusting are the worst worst worst #my life and stuff

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low-po1y-princess · 1 year

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