12/3/2022

I found @that-premed-student mini 10 day study challenge which seems like a good way to keep myself motivated while I'm studying for my neurology exam next Friday.

Today's to-do list:

anki

uworld 40q

neurology quiz 1

complete required patient encounters (8)

fold laundry + pack suitcase

groceries

the bittersweet between my teeth - chapter fourteen

It’s been almost two weeks, but Ava still isn’t used to waking up in Beatrice’s bed.

There was no grand discussion about it after that first night. At no point did either of them really talk about how nice it was to fall asleep together and decide to keep doing it.

They just sort of fell into it again and again for the first few days.

Given how hard the last few weeks had been for her, when Beatrice woke up that next day after a full night of sleep she cried.

Ava laid in Beatrice’s bed, held her and let her cry for a good twenty minutes.

Then they spent the whole day doing absolutely nothing around their apartment. Ava played games and Beatrice watched. They ordered bad food and Beatrice told her how hard it had been to eat - how nothing had taste and every bite felt like a chore.

So Ava slipped out for five minutes to run to the nearest store and bought them three tubs of ice cream.

It was the mint chocolate chip that finally got Beatrice’s attention.

That’s not to say that Ava’s presence was some kind of magic pill that fixed everything. No, as much as Beatrice loves to tell her that she’s special, she isn’t quite that special.

CONT ON AO3

Angels’ trueforms in their most memorableimagined moments [22/?] - Cas and Dean having sex for the first time

inprnt | society6 | redbubble | ko-fi

I meant to post this a while ago and never did, but it's been over a month and I haven't stopped thinking about it, so here it is.

Courtnie Apps, a pregnant Australian woman, who had given birth before, went to a hospital in Ballarat, Victoria after she began feeling contractions. She was sent home after being told she was not in labor, and that the pain was from a UTI and kidney infection.

About half an hour later, she gave birth at home with the assistance of her friend.

For perspective, out of 182 countries, from highest to lowest maternal mortality rate, Australia is ranked 172, while the US is at 121. The death rate for indigenous mothers (Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander) is 16.4% versus 5.3% for non-indigenous mothers.

She went to a hospital in the third most populated city in the second most populated state in a country with the 10th lowest maternal mortality rate in the world and got sent home to give birth.

What is it like, then for women in countries/ethnic groups who suffer from a higher rate of mortality, if this is the care received by a woman from one of the safest demographics in the 10th safest country?

I haven't napped this much since I was on antidepressants

I'm starting to feel about artistic depictions of trans scars the same way I feel about artistic depictions of blindness: they suck.

At first the art of all the jagged lined scars I saw for trans characters seemed neat. But then I started to remember that I have those scars and they don't look like that. At all. And it's kinda shitty to draw all these trans men and nbs in such a way that they look like someone took an axe to their chests. Mastectomy/top surgery scars don't look like that at all! Even when you have a slash and dash quick surgery like I did, the results are much nicer and most trans guys you can't even tell.

This is like drawing people with white/pale, unfocused eyes as a shorthand for blindness. It's a shitty stereotype and I think in the long run it causes more harm than good. Just like with real trans folks you may have to just say out loud that your guy is trans instead of giving him a design that's kinda shitty to the bros out there who went through some shit to look really good.

mini life update in the tags bc i need somewhere 2 rant < 3

@snowshinobi Hiiiii :3 I'm responding to your tags on a new post and not the original since the original was already somewhat lengthy, and I plan on being LONG and RAMBLY, but I have sooo many thoughts on what you said and I'm going to say them. Also my browser crashed TWICE (TWO TIMES. 2) when trying to write this post so I'm really fighting for my life out here to get my silly little OC posts done. Also it's under the cut because it's looooong as hell LMAO

Firstly, you're so nice to me forever <3 Secondly, I think you've basically hit the nail on the head. The majority of the issues Maggie has coming back from death and her 9 years gone are really tied almost exclusively to her close family, because she... never really had anyone else. While in-universe it's only 9 years, realistically the jump in technology and culture is around ~20-30 years (Maggie died in the 90s/early 2000s essentially, and wakes up in a just barely futuristic city), but... the most jarring thing to her in terms of what she missed out on is just. Flipphones are no longer popular. Other than her family, she's only close with one other person... who just so happens to be a ghost, and therefore both 1. Wouldn't change much over the timespan due to how long she's been a ghost and 2. Unlike her family, was aware that something happened, since she could see the ghost-of-a-ghost Maggie left behind (The ghosts name is Opal, she positions herself as a sort of "guardian angel" figure, though she's not actually, and serves as just another parental figure for Maggie while also getting after the ghosts that constantly harass her to pass on messages to the living). Maggie has no real relationships outside of her family, and while her relationships with her family are massively impacted by her unknowing death, other than that... the timeskip itself doesn't weigh on her because she had no one regardless. Her struggle to adjust to everything thats happened would've happened regardless of the timeskip for her, because she was such an isolated shut-in that it's the same whether it happened the next day, or nearly a full decade later

So another very interesting thing is that you've actually completely seen where I was going with everything, in spite of everything I said being very surface level and not actually delving into the plot at all. I completely skimmed over Jenna (She's very important to the plot, but she's by in large a regular person as opposed to Maggie's... everything), but for some additional context, Jenna has a horrendously shitty homelife, so her moving in with Maggie is both a gradual process (It goes from spending time there, to spending nights, to eventually just never going back home and moving in fully), and also serves as an escape for her. Part of that is also, so vitally, the food aspect. For some additional additional context, souls essentially serve as a persons lifeforce, practically every bodily function is improved by a soul that's stronger, though the "strength" of a soul is essentially entirely random, and not dependent on the individuals actions of any kind. Maggie had a generally weird soul before (Seeing ghosts inherently means she has to have something going on with her soul), but when she wakes up after her death, her soul is now even weirder, and part of that is that it essentially lets her get away with bad habits she absolutely should be seeing more consequences for. She barely eats, and when she does, it's basically exclusively crackers and whatever other safe foods she has around the house, because actually making food is a level of care and effort she just... doesn't give to herself in the slightest. Part of Jenna staying with her is that Jenna, without really discussing it, entirely takes up the mantle of caretaker of the apartment, with the biggest task being food prep, Jenna sees Maggie's unwillingness to take care of herself and silently steps up and starts making her actual meals so she's eating properly.

The problem is is that this also kinda... just straight up sucks? Jenna doesn't think much of it, it's something that needed to be done so she's doing it, she wants Maggie to be well fed even if she won't do it herself, and she's already been responsible for making all of her own meals for years prior anyways, so it's just another thing she does. Except that's shitty! Maggie's seen firsthand how terrible her homelife is, and it really weighs on her how even in her escape from that, Jenna's still being put in a position where she feels like she must care for her or else she just won't eat properly. So food is such a massively important thing to both of them, it's this symbol of love for both of them, it's love on the part of Jenna, for stepping in and taking care of Maggie when she can't do it herself, and it's love on the part of Maggie, for realizing how her own bad habits impact the people she cares about and wanting to lift that weight by taking care of herself better. It's also very vital for Maggie because she just... doesn't... have hobbies. Learning how to cook becomes really her only hobby and she puts all of her love and care into it, because for the first time in a long while she's actually passionate about something! ...Unfortunately she also is very very bad at it. She's inventing new dishes like "Burnt Salad" and "Please Help I Fucked Up Kraft Mac N Cheese" and still having to have Jenna come in and help her. But it's the thought that counts, and it'll only be a matter of time before she can make something vaguely edible.

And finally, the stuff about names! I didn't post it here, but while idly talking about her in a Discord server I'm in, I definitely think that had I made Maggie like even a few months later than I would've done she would've been nonbinary. As it stands right now though, I'm saying she's probably some form of genderweird but too busy trying not to die to think about it <3 Growing up knowing that ghosts are real and routinely being shut down by authority figures in her life about it has made her very aware of how bullshit a lot of things are and how the people who claim to be knowledgeable tend to not know what they're talking about (Beyond just the "people don't think ghosts are real", she's also got ghosts willing to tell her when people are lying because they've got nothing better to do than just gossip) , so if she spent even just a moment thinking about gender as a social construct she'd instantly recognize that and probably take up some form of genderweird label, but as it stands she's just too stressed with Being The Protagonist to think about that

Now, the thing with Margaret. I'm not even going to lie to you, I think you made a better connection to how a name connects with community in terms of the narrative themes than I did. The thing with Margaret denying the name "Maggie" existed for two reasons, the in-universe explanation is that, with the little scrap of soul Margaret has leftover from Maggie, it's essentially working overtime just to keep her vitals working, it can't dedicate time and energy to making her an individual with preferences and a personality, so part of that is that she doesn't respond to "Maggie" because ultimately, that is not her name. Her name is Margaret and she's not going to respond to "Maggie" because "Maggie" isn't her name. Of course, out of universe the reasoning is that I wanted an easy way to distinguish between Maggie as she is the protagonist, and the version of her that lived in the years she was gone, so different names makes the most sense.

I think your connection to how name relates to community genuinely works on a level I hadn't fully pieced together myself yet and I really love that because I think that absolutely works with everything. One of the main conflicts of the plot is how Maggie is entirely disconnected from her family thanks to the years she was gone, with Margaret having no priorities beyond "survive", she basically never spoke with her parents or brother for years. While her family tried to reach out to her repeatedly (Especially given that, while they're unaware the truth of what happened the night Maggie was murdered, they do know something happened, and they believe that whatever it was severely traumatized her, and that's where the sudden and drastic shift in personality came from), there's a point where they just... gave up. She wasn't trying to talk with them or contact them in the slightest, so around a year or two after Margaret moved out, her parents gave up on her. Her brother would still be there a bit, but he also didn't really... try... anymore.

When Maggie wakes up, she tries to call her parents... and they don't pick up. They'd grown resentful over the years, and now that Maggie wants to talk to them, they don't forgive her for the years of not speaking to them, and aren't interested in whatever she has to say after nearly a decade of trying to reconnect with her and being met with nothing. It's her insistence that she wants to be called Maggie that actually gets her brother to realize she's telling the truth and that something happened. She shows up at his door, already something that Margaret wouldn't have done, and that combined with her being visibly upset when he calls her Margaret and tells him that's not her and that she's Maggie, it signals to him that whatever's going on is real (...though he would've figured this out eventually, given that she also literally 17 again and not in her mid-20s, and has a giant glowing stab wound in her chest). I think it works absolutely perfectly as being a symbol of community, her disconnect from her community is what led to her being called Margaret, and her desperation to be returned to that community is when she's Maggie again. So uh. Congrats on getting the themes of my OCs better than I did <3

And uhhhh closing thoughts! I honestly did still skim over the majority of the plot (Literally never even mentioned Eli or what's going on with her stab wound </3), but I think you reeeeally hit the nail on the head with everything I'm kinda getting at with these OCs, which is... frankly wild given how little main plot I actually got at. Basically everything I mentioned in my original post was the setup, not the main plot. But waaaaugh thank you for being so niceys to me and also giving me another excuse to ramble endlessly <3

So, about my contract ending? Work just called and they want me back permanently starting from Tuesday, same hours but less days (just 4 days a week) to cover evenings which works out pretty good for me, leaving me free during the day!

this school sucks ass holy shit

two more weeks of work,,,,,,,,

Monday my coworker cleared his throat on me when talking to me for 3 minutes, and I immediately put on a mask, disinfected and moved everything I had to the conference room because he obviously had something. I also immediately told my boss who "was wondering if he should send him home". All of that, but apparently that was enough to get me sick.

Here's the thing, and I know this isn't how it works, I got it from a coworker at work and did EVERYTHING in my power to not get it so i could continue work, so I should get my sick days paid even though I don't have any more PTO. I'm still going to work with a mask on in the warehouse because I, specifically, am needed to complete physical inventory which is incredibly important, but I had to go home at 3pm because I was on the verge of fainting. If I cannot complete these last 2 weeks of work, my company will fall apart, which is why I gave a 5 week notice instead of 2 and delayed starting my new job. I know "fuck this company", but I have enough pride to not want things to be worse than they already are because I Built This Place. I want all the systems I designed to work.

Tldr if a coworker got me sick because my boss didn't send him home when he knew he should, and I took measures to limit my exposure right after being exposed, then I should get my sick hours paid.

besties i am sick, throat feels like sandpaper and doesn't stop feeling painfully dry no matter how much water i drink. i'm poppin' nyquil as we speak but does anyone have any cool stories to share, or pics of their pets?? maybe some blorbo thoughts idk, it'd be nice to wake up to something real sweet or funny!!

art sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my partner upon hearing that i slept for 2 hours after arriving home: dont sleep any longer or u will have trouble falling asleep at night

me: *literally still exhausted and will pass tf out whe i put my head on the pillow*

this year so far