One of the commissions from my last few batches this year! The commissioner wanted a version of La belle dame sans merci with their OCs 💖

Day 30: Partners (MONSTA X: Chae Hyungwon)

this is horrible HAHAHAHA it's the second-to-the-last day of MTM and today's prompt is:

Day 30: Sports Setting

and i was going to make like an "i can do anything better than you" plot, but this is the most i can do with the time i had today. was super busy and this deformed baby is what was born. hayyyy idk, i was really looking forward to this prompt bc (1) the premise i made was really fun and (2) it's hyungwon HAHA but apparently my brain juices have run out

ALSO IF Y'ALL ARE WONDERING, the sport they're doing is dancesport aka competitive ballroom, which i also practice hihi i'm so predictable, trying to insert dancesport into every sports related thing lmao. it is 100% a sport and south korea is also a member of the world dancesport federation. it was so hard trying to describe the steps without being overly technical and using the actual names man, brain hurty

PAIRING: Chae Hyungwon x reader. GENRE: fic, fluff. WARNINGS: swearing. WORD COUNT: 1,470.

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“Two—three—cha-cha-cha! Two—three—cha-cha-cha! One more—cha-cha-cha!” your coach chants, clapping in time to the beat as you and Hyungwon spin around the dance floor. You end with your right feet forward and in an open hold, your hands held lightly in his. The music stops and all that’s audible is your labored breathing.

“Oh my god, fuck,” Hyungwon says, letting go of your hands and doubling over to take in deep breaths. You drop your hands to your hips and walk around, trying to slow your heart rate before sitting down to grab water. “How long until the end of the combo?”

Your coach leans on the wall next to the sound system, leisurely scrolling through his phone. “Not long, just a few more steps,” he says. “Ten minute break and we’ll try the rumba. And let’s try to finish it today, shall we? So we can work on your jive on Wednesday.”

You waddle over to your bags and crouch down to grab your water bottle and squirt some much needed liquid in your mouth. You let out a satisfied sigh after swallowing, breathing out slow before standing back up and wiping your sweat with a towel.

Hyungwon does the same, leaning one hand on the mirrored wall as gulps down water. He rests one foot on its heel and turns it this way and that, flexing and pointing his toes to stretch the muscles; the other foot gets the same treatment.

You go up to the mirror, a little ways away from your partner, and lean your weight on both hands to practice your swivels. Left foot steps to the right and as you change weight, bring the right foot in and face to the left side; repeat starting from the right foot; repeat starting from the left foot.

It’s quiet in the studio as you mind you continue your swivels and Hyungwon reviews the choreography on the floor. For the nth time these past two weeks you wonder how you ended up with him as a partner. You still somehow can’t believe that there isn’t another guy available in the club to compete with you for the Lilian’s Cup this season—and you still somehow can’t believe that Hyungwon of all people offered to partner with you.

It’s not like he’s a bad club member—far from it, actually. He shows up for every club meeting, sure sometimes he’s late but he participates the whole time and even asks to stay behind to work on the choreography sometimes when it’s a particularly tricky variation. You just. Never really talk. He hangs out with the couple of friends he has in the club, and you stick to the club officers who you know from some of your classes.

There’s this tiny voice in the back of your head that’s nagging at you to just talk to him. Because in the five training sessions you’ve had this month, not once have you spoken to each other save for the cursory greetings before and after practice. It’s mostly you both talking to your coach and not acknowledging each other.

Which is really bad, given that you’re supposed to be partners and have chemistry, especially for a dance like the fucking rumba.

You sigh, closing out the couple of cucarachas you did to stretch out your hips and slide over to watch Hyungwon.

He’s just starting the second combo you’ve learned for the routine, the natural top. So you slide into the ballroom hold and do three sets of rumba walks forward in time, looking at anything but him, though you can imagine the surprised look on his face.

After the natural top, you slide into an opening out and prepare for the sliding doors step, when you see Hyungwon stop from the corner of your eye.

His arms are outstretched in the proper positions, his left hand still holding your right, but the rest of his body is stuck in an unflattering stance, eyes flitting about and brows furrowing in frustration. “What’s the next step again?”

“Sliding doors,” you say, and step forward. He steps back as you lean your weight on your forward foot and lift your connected hands up and over your head. You step slowly, allowing him to find his footing in the step, and after a moment of fumbling, you watch both of you in the mirror, properly meeting in the middle and splitting with every side step. After the second sliding doors step, you halt, coming to the end of the choreography so far. There’s still a ways to go, seeing as you’ve only been taught around sixteen bars.

Despite the rumba being a slow dance, you’re still somehow breathing heavily. You lament sometimes that the rumba is your favorite dance because the muscle control it requires is insane. The push and pull between slow and sharp movements gets you off kilter at some points, especially if those difficult turns have to be done without support from a partner. Therefore, communication is necessary to build a solid foundation of give-and-take.

Which means you really have to open your mouth and talk to Hyungwon sometime soon if you want to do well for the Lilian’s Cup.

You pivot to face him, the canvas soles of your heels helping your sharp turn. “Do you need help with the choreo?”

Hyungwon had been staring at the ceiling, no doubt running through the routine in his head once again, but looked down at you when you spoke. He shrugs, bites his lips and says, “Yeah.” He sighs, resting his hands lightly on his hips as he leans on one foot, the other tapping the floor in agitation. “I have a tough time memorizing choreo unless I make it, so…”

You blink. “You make routines?”

Another shrug, and he holds up a hand with the palm down and tilts it from side to side. “Eeehh, sometimes. I’m still learning, and it’s full of basic steps. Definitely not competition caliber yet, not even bronze.”

You purse your lips, nodding. “Still, though, that’s pretty impressive. I’ve been dancing for a while and I can’t create choreo yet.”

“Well,” Hyungwon says, bending his lanky body backwards to open up his chest. “The first step is always the most challenging, I’d say. Once you actually try, it’s easier to take the next steps.” He intertwines his fingers and raises them above his head, groaning from the strain.

You smile at that, and decide that maybe Hyungwon is a better conversation partner than you initially thought. “How about we set like, a day in the week to practice. Just us, you know. I can help you memorize the routines for Lilian’s and you can teach me the stuff you make.” You clear your throat, gaze stuck on your feet, pointing and flexing and looking for something to do. “You know. If you’re cool with it.”

Hyungwon hums. “Yeah, sure.” You look up to see him looking into space, finger tapping on his chin as he thinks. “Can we meet up in the afternoon, though? ‘M not much of an early riser.”

You chuckle. “‘Course. I hate mornings, too.” You wipe your sweaty forehead with your towel and let it hang over your head like a veil as you jog to your bag. You come back to Hyungwon’s side a moment later, holding your phone out. “I also just realized that I don’t have your number yet. It’ll make setting up a date way easier.”

“Mm, you’re right about that,” he says, slender fingers taking your phone and tapping on the screen before handing it back to you. His contact is saved as Dance Partner Hyungwon. “Just a warning tho, I might not reply sometimes because I forget to.”

You tap your phone against your palm and shrug. “S’all right. I’ll just ask one of your friends to pester you then, like Minhyuk. I know he’s pretty… persistent.”

Hyungwon scoffs, but he has a fond smile on his face. “Yeah, that’d do the trick. I’ve known him for years, he won’t shut up unless I humor him.”

You’re about to reply when two loud claps echo through the room. “Okay, you two, break’s over,” your coach calls. “Starting positions please, and let’s finish up this routine today so we can just keep polishing.”

After dumping your towel and phone on your bag and sliding your hand into Hyungwon’s as you get into position, you whisper to him. “I’ll text you later about that after-practice practice.” As the sultry music starts, you have a thought. “And don’t you dare pretend you don’t know me when I finally message you, Chae Hyungwon.”

He bites his lips and looks over your shoulder, fighting a laugh. “Fine, fine,” he says, and composes himself, just in time for your cue to take the first step.

Hey mom! I’m stressed at 1am, any advice? I’m having trouble in school via studying sometimes it feels like we’re going from 0 to 100. And I need better study habits, do you have any advice? Bc sometimes it feels like I’m so afraid of failure that if I do study to my full potential (sounds weird) I feel like I loose the excuse of saying oh I got a bad score bc I goofed off. Like if I actually do all my effort to study and do bad, then is there something wrong with me??

(A/N: this answer is so long I almost feel ashamed to post it. I’m very sorry everyone. Anyway, if you’re looking for the concrete tips they’re at the end :) )

Hey :)

This doesn’t sound weird at all because I’m the exact same way. This way of thinking is actually more common than you’d think, and is often a part of the cognitive profile of perfectionism (btw, perfectionism isn’t that apt a name but I digress. Also, this way of thinking doesn’t mean you’re a perfectionist.). Anyway, I know a bunch of people who’ve experienced this, and the common factor isn’t fear of failure, but rather what it is you think you’re failing at. For example, I once told my therapist that I was super stressed over a bunch of stuff and I also had a paper I had to get done, and he asked me what would happen if I didn’t turn it in on time and I was like “academically? nothing. mentally? I wouldn’t be me anymore.” And that’s the stitch.

The people I know who struggle with this are often (though not exclusively) girls, and often people who’re pretty smart. They spent their childhood being told over and over that they were gifted, intelligent, and good at school. And back then, that was easy to live up to. They danced through the first few years of school without any issue, and enjoyed it a lot. They did their homework, understood stuff, and were usually “good kids”.

Now, we’re always growing and re-shaping our sense of self, but the foundations are lain when we’re children. So, when people around you keep identifying you as a smart/good student, then we start identifying ourselves like that too. Especially if it is being reinforced by your actual achievements. And then, suddenly, getting good grades isn’t about doing well or working hard, it’s about identity. It’s about who you are at your core. Thus, the stakes become infinitely higher. If you fail at a math test that you really studied for, then that means that you don’t have what it takes, and that means you are no longer yourself- the intelligent kid who’s good at school. A test might not be that anxiety-inducing, but losing your whole sense of self is. So, in that case procastination makes a lot of sense, because as long as you don’t fail while doing your best then you never put your identity on the line.

(This also applies if failing at school has become synonymous with being a failure, i.e. if you’ve been taught that doing well academically is the only way to be a successful/useful person in society, or if academic success has merged with the idea of a happy future so it feels like failing autmatically leads to an unhappy life. Essentially, mental structures that lead to a misconception of the stakes involved in a single exam/paper/task.)

That said, I do have some more practical things to say here. First off, sometimes we’re in a situation where we can’t do our best and that’s okay. I’ve failed exams, tests, papers, you name it and I still have my degree in the end. It’s never the end all of things.

Now, my own biggest freak out like this came when I started uni. My first paper I went completely insane and procrastinated like crazy, and I failed. And then the though crept in “what if I can’t do this? What if this is it. I can’t handle higher education, even if I try my hardest?” The anxiety was... big bad and mad.

I should say for this next part that my therapist once told me that I have a strangely aggressive approach to handling anxiety. Moving on. I sat down and said to myself “what is worse, to try my hardest and fail or half-ass it and never be able to live the life I want?” Since the answer was pretty obvious, I got to it. I had about 5 weeks until the next exam, and I sat down and planned every single hour until then. I studied for that damn test like I’ve never studied before, and whenever I felt anxious I would tell it to FUCK OFF and focus on the task I had planned. I didn’t allow myself to think beyond that first planning session, I just did what was next on the agenda. What am I supposed to do right now? read these 10 pages? Ok.

I’ve had two exams during my studies where I failed (the second due to the situation I was in) and ended up in this spiral. And here’s the funny thing: I have a small number of courses in uni where I got a higher grade. They include 1) courses that I found extremly interesting and 2) those two courses.

Okay! I know this is already so fucking long but I want to give you some actual tips too. Number one is obviously to plan. Take a whole day, sit down and plan the next month. Consider all your assignments, when they’re due, what you need to do to study, how long that’ll take and when that is done most efficiently. Plan everything in your calendar. Give yourself enough time for each task that you can do it even if you’re not super super focused. Do not study outside these hours. When you’re done for the day you’re done for the day. This way, there’s a clear, reachable end to each study session and you don’t feel as compelled to postpone tasks. When you sit down to study, don’t worry about the other stuff you have to do, or other subjects that you haven’t done yet. They’re all in the plan, all you have to do is what is in front of you. As long as you keep doing that you’ll make it. (If the plan goes to shit for some reason, take a day to plan a make a new one. It happens).

Some things to consider:

Different subjects are best studied in different ways. I used to set aside 15-30 minutes every day in high school for Italian, where I’d sit down and read the chapter we were working on out loud. I didn’t even focus that hard, I just did it every day- the chapter and the glossary. I STILL remember some sentences from that book. Math is best done in longer stretches, but not too long. 1-2 hours preferably. Think about how YOU work. Do you best read a textbook in one go or in increments? Do you learn better in a coffee-shop or your room? Silence? Music? This can also change depending on your subject. Plan accordingly.

For reading, time your reading speed for the book. Read a page at normal speed and clock it, then multiply that by the pages you need to read to see how much time you’ll have to plan for. Round up to give yourself room for spacing out.

Plan for breaks. Think about your normal need for it, but the uni standard is 15 minutes for every 45, making an even hour. Find a break activity that’s has a specific end, for example making some more tea/coffee and snacks and doing some stretches, or maybe playing one race in mario kart. Avoid things that you can get stuck doing beyond the alotted break time.

Buffers. For every five hours or so, plan one hour of buffer time. This is time that you can use if something takes longer than expected. If you do everything as planned, this is surprise free time! :D If you have a long study session, plan 30 minute buffers every two or three hours to be used for extra breaks and to keep panic at bay. Buffers will save your life.

Make a chart with different tasks and have little boxes that you get to fill in with fun colours when you’re done. If you have to read 100 pages, do a bar with ten boxes, that way you can see your progress visually.

Plan for days/evenings that are free. Plan what you’re going to do those days, like “movie night with X”, “play videogames and eat cupcakes”, “take a long bath and read a good book”. That way, you use your free time well and can use those days and evenings as incentive.

Prioritize your work. If you have too much to do, make a list of what’s most to least important and focus on doing the important stuff first. This includes studying tasks. What’s more important, reading that text for the third time or really understanding integrals?

Drink lots of water and eat sugar. It’s brain food. I usually bake before an intense week. That way when I feel myself going down I can go get a cupcake instead of taking time to make something to eat, or worse- try to soldier through which never works.

I hope this helped a little at least :) Good Luck! I believe in you! 💙💜

oof personal rant about boy and relationship shit below the cut it’s way too long sorry

finally had a talk with boy last night... it started bc they are having a stoplight theme party tn where you wear green if ur single, yellow if it’s complicated, and red if ur taken and he was like “so what color are u thinking of wearing”... and i was like “green i guess bc im single”. but i said it as a joke.... and he was like... “oh well i was thinking yellow”. and i was like “ya me too i guess”... and he was like “ya idk i think most people will either be red or green so we’ll be some of the few yellow ppl which is kinda fun”. and i was like “ok. ya whatever cool”. and he was like “but i’ll wear whatever u want like if u want me to wear red i will”. and i was like “no. no pressure. yellow makes sense.” but then i was making sad girl face i guess and he was like “nooo stop with that face. you’re thinking about something what’s wrong” and then we like went innnnnn with like a convo about “us” or whatever the fuck.

anyways like the things he’s worried about when considering making us official is that he:

1. says he is an extremely jealous and controlling boyfriend? and he does not like who he is as a boyfriend so if he isnt technically a “boyfriend” he has no reason to get that way/can stop himself from being like that. which i like.... dont see at all. and like maybe he had a reason to be like that with his ex but honestly i dont do much or like get hit on so i see it as a non-issue honestly? like im too into him to like even need to be “controlled” like i genuinely want to do whatever he wants bc i just want to see him happy ? but then he said that when he sees me happy it makes him happy and when i keep crying like i have been it makes him really sad and scared that our relationship would be built on a bad foundation. and i see it as the opposite like in spite of what he has done and how he’s hurt me we’ve gotten past it and grown to know each other better and like each other a lot and im still here spending time with him so like idk we think about these things very differently i guess. 

2. he was thinking like soooo far in the future for some reason like... when i met him he was pursuing a finance degree in the business school but he like decided music was something he was really passionate about last year and since then he’s been like learning how to use like music production software and how to play piano since then. so he was saying like he doesn’t want me to see him as like a jobless bum loser when i could be with a guy has a secure upwardly mobile job making 60-70k right out of college while he’s like.... working as a DJ and practicing like music production stuff. and i was like..... what r u talking about like i don’t need you to support me? and if ur worried about how i’ll see you like i just want to see you happy i would rather see that than someone complaining about how much they hate their job and life every day bc like.... idk when you l*ve someone all you really want is to see them happy. and then i told him how i have bragged about him to people who like wish they could change majors about how he’s actually doing something he’s interested in rather than sticking with business school which he hatesss. 

(he started crying sometime during point two into point three)

3. he was worried about not being able to give me the level of attention ur supposed to give someone ur dating. like he was saying how he practices his music stuff in his free time but like when ur dating someone ur supposed to spend like all ur free time with them but i’ll have to like share that time with his music and he like doesn’t want me to feel like he has no time for me? but i was like dude i dont need you actively paying attention when we’re together like the other night i was doing my homework in his room while he practicing and i was just so stoked to be in the room with him even though we were doing our own things. and also like the people in relationships who spend allll their time with their significant others are people i get SO ANNOYED BY i was like dude... i dont want to be like any of those couples like of course i want to spend as much time as possible with you but i have other “relationships” i need to maintain that im not just gonna drop like some of my other couple friends have. like my friendships are super important to me, probably bc i have never been in a relationship so i like really do love and put a lot of focus on my friends, so if he needs time for his music and did need some private time to focus i would just spend that time maintaining my friendships because i love and want to spend time with them too? like it’s not that deep and i’ve been alone for so long im used to it.....

i think there was more but anyway he was thinking SO FAR AHEAD and asking me like what i want to do and where i want to go after graduation and im like ????? i .. dont know ??? omg ???? what does this have to do with like dating right now like are u never gonna date anyone again until ur ready to date them until marriage im ? confused? i.. legitimately was NOT thinking this far ahead ? but then he kept bringing up how like feelings fade and he like want to make sure his college friends are lifelong friends and how a breakup would make it so that’s a more difficult thing for us to be and im like i get it ? i have brought up that point to so many people like it used to be that i cared more about having him in my life forever like at least as a friend just bc i like him so much but now it’s harder to be like that bc i like him SO SO much like... idk imagining never having been official a few years down the road and just being that girl he had a “thing” with in college. bc that’s not what i want to be to him. like if we do stop liking each other i dont want to have to meet his future girlfriend or fucking wife and be like hi im olivia.. his friend from college. like just calling what we have “friendship” hurts so bad and if i had to look at someone he like loves in the future and call myself just a friend from college that would fucking kill me. like at least if we were exes i would be like hey im his friend-ex-then friend again from college. ya haha things didnt work out but i’ll always care about this guy ur lucky to have him. ya know. there’s a difference.

and all the things i was concerned about were suchhhh immediate issues like... im only not satisfied by the relationship status of like being a “thing” bc i want to actually be taken on dates..  and have someone who would be happy to like bring me coffee if im having a rough day (and like so it wouldnt be weird if i did little things like that too) and so we could like go on a trip together or like as it stands it would be weird for me to like bring him home for a few days and be like “hello family this is my good friend :) we are going to share a bed bc we are... friends :)” like you cant tell ur family about ur “thing” bc like o ur really good friends that care a lot about each other and have sex but ur not dating... like that gives parents too much to think about it’s gross.... and it would be weird for him to bring me to like his hometown to meet his friends and what not bc we are just like ... a thing? and i WANT to do that stuff like it would mean so much to me. but like you only do that with ppl ur dating and i want to be with someone who can like share their life with me and i can share mine with them if that makes sense. also u know what i think it’s fair of me to want to be able to call someone my boyfriend like. that is a word i have never gotten to use and when i like hear it in movies and tv shows and even when friends say it i feel like im being fucking stabbed. like i have never gotten to be a girlfriend and i feel like people see me as less of a person because of that, especially being in my 20s now. idk just like societal pressures are getting to me i hate being a sociology major im like super analyzing like the roles i am “supposed” to take to live up to what it is to be a woman in our society. like i have been a daughter, a friend, a coworker, a sister but i have never been a girlfriend and that is something i feel like an innate internalized NEED to experience idk like it’s just beat into you by media and peers and parents from when ur like a kid until you actually do fulfill the prescribed gender based roles... like if i am not a wife or a mother in my life i might fucking kill myself like ik roles and labels are meaningless but i NEED THEM to like give me identity and security. anyways. uh that was a lot. if u read all this and i don’t sound insane lmk!

Okay, thank you, imma try not making it very long but since this is about the people i would talk about these things with, i thought maybe a cool stranger on tumblr could help

i have a group of friends who i adore, they're great people and we have a lot of fun, but since they have other friends, namely at college (i don't really), good relationships with family, their fairly busy people and i don't get to spend as much time with them as i like. but when i do get to, for the last year, when im with them sometimes, i've felt like im doing the wrong thing,with the wrong people and wonder what other people are doing and stuff and feel bad because im thinking about (1/4)

About other people instead of being present,and this makes me feel so incredibly alone amongst the people i used to feel the most at home with. Then, there's my best friend, she lives far away and we don't get to be together or hang out often, but she's the person who knows everything about me and i love her to death. But, she has a group of friends who live close to her who she feels are like family to her, that are the most important people in her life (2/4)

Those friends and her boyfriend are the people in that group, but she also includes me in that "family", the thing is, i don't feel part of it because of the distance, they can all hang out together and see each other daily and i can't do that with her and seeing stuff like instagram stories and of them hanging out makes me feel so left out, so utterly sad and jealous(???) and again, alone, and i hate these feelings because i really want to see her happy and having fun (3/4)

I completely, and I really mean this, understand what you are saying. When your friends have a foundation you don’t have, that gives them, I guess you could call it, a kind of security you don’t feel for whatever reason, seeing that.. difference between ourselves and them makes us feel more alone because we tend to put a lot on our group of friends. I remember feeling a lot that way between the ages of 15-23 (ngl still do, it doesn’t simply go away with age unfortunately you really gotta learn to overcome it and I’m still not there yet) when all my closest friends had other friends and different circles and family they spent a lot of time with. I used to get REALLY angry at them for not... well, being invited to things (distance was an issue as well) but I had to learn that some of them were just so much different from me - I found myself wanting to be invited to things I would never set my foot in for the simple pleasure of knowing I was being considered for this thing, but the fact was they knew I hated music festivals so why would they invite me to go to one? Others I came to realize are aloof idiots, good idiots, but aloof as hell, and will not pick up the phone unless you call 50 times, and it really took all of my strength to not simply blame them (although giving them a reprimand was NOT out of consideration..........) and between them, I found some that simply were not worth the time.

It’s a really fucked up thing to teach our brain when you feel it in your bones that you lack a certain foundation, that one pillar that tells you ‘I am very comfortable with being alone WITH myself’, and it takes so much effort. It’s a rinse and repeat thing, like exfoliating your skin. The feeling always comes back, there will always be something that will sparkle that inner anger (at yourself, at others) or frustration, or just sadness, and you try to swallow it only to realize you’re pushing it down temporarily and that soon enough it will come back again. 

A few months back I had to delete a bunch of apps on my phone bc that phone is a piece of shit and it was clogging my memory card and I couldn’t a thing with it, and I told my therapist and was like ‘dude I feel..... so peaceful’. I completely lost the temptation of checking every app to see if everyone had already replied to me, what they were doing, what was happening, etc. Most days, I even forget my phone completely, and I even charge it every three days cause I just don’t touch it. Deleting an app can be a defense mechanism - whether temporarily or not, that is entirely up to you - a way to teach yourself not to look for things you know you don’t want to see, until you feel confident to do it freely without all those invasive feelings.

And I think it’s perfectly normal to feel a certain disconnect with the people who you’ve once felt so at home with. Especially when you see changes happening - going to college, meeting new people, having kids, marrying, getting a job, etc. These are all things that bear a very considerable weight on people’s lives, it impacts them, changes them, and it reflects itself on those around them, so it is perfectly reasonable for you to feel slightly disconnected from them when you don’t feel on the same page as they are. I do not think it means, to be honest, that whatever was there is not anymore. I honestly think it simply means people are growing up and adulthood sucks, and it’s one of those things we sometimes have to learn to adapt to, like we have to calibrate our brains properly to teach us that things are different in practical terms, but in essence, everything that was there still remains.

I’ve said this a million times before but I’ll keep saying that I am terrible at giving advice, I think every case is a case and every person is their own person, but I will still try with at least some suggestions. Saying ‘meet new people’ in a situation like this is like telling someone ‘stay calm’ when they’re right on the border between ‘I am angry and in full control of myself’ and ‘I’m gonna lose my fucking mind’ so I’ll keep that out of this entirely. And I will say is, if you can, try to occupy your mind with something. It might take a while to figure out what, but it doesn’t matter. Something you love, anything at all. Not just to keep yourself busy, but so you can find the heart to dedicate yourself to something so precious to you, you sort of channel that dedication to yourself and not just the activity, you know? It also sounds like you are very down to earth (WAY more than me, let me tell you) and very well aware of your friends’ feelings and their situation, so you could try to find ways to work around the obstacles you find between yourselves. Like, have a monthly celebration - drinks, dinner, going to the mall, something. One thing that is exclusively yours, but like that happens in a long period of time so you can all find time in your schedules etc. Or maybe skyping or something (if you don’t do that already, that is). If you feel comfortable, maybe text a lot or just keep in touch, but if you don’t and you feel the need to get away for a while, then don’t hesitate. Tell your friends you’re just going to stay away for a little and turn off your phone or do whatever you want. Whatever you do, if it’s for your own benefit, to protect yourself, never hesitate in doing it.

I know how conflicting it is to feel that way, and I really wish I had, I don’t know, better things to say I guess, I never feel like my words are enough... But do know you’re always welcome to come in here and vent all you want. Your feelings are not just valid because they’re yours, but perfeclty reasonable to my eyes and I completely understand them. And although it is a process, and a long one, I swear it will feel better with time and exercise, with patience and dedication - even if those are things you don’t feel like they are in you right, I swear they are. They’re just hidden, waiting for you to reach and get them out and use them. But I promise it will be better

3, 5, 10, 12, 13, 23, 33, 50 (sry I got carried away they are good questions feel free to skip some if u don't feel like talking that much)

under a cut, sorry if that doesn’t work on mobile ;u;

3. In your opinion, what’s your best fic?

ash and blood which i link every time i talk about it bc i spent three fuckin years working on it. it’s the first time i’ve really felt that my plot, worldbuilding, and characters were all cohesive, and there’s not much fat i would trim off or things i would heavily edit at this point. the stuff i’ve written since then has been good (imo) but it doesn’t fill me with the same sense of accomplishment.

5. Is there any fic that makes you super happy to reread and remember you wrote that?

almost all of my psychtober fics, undertow, ash and blood, we could be reborn. i’m a huge fan of my own work bc i tend to work with tropes i either like or want to unravel in a specific way. i cater to my own tastes lmao.

10. Have you ever written for a fandom without reading other fanfic for it?

sort of. back when i was a teenager and an asshole, i looked down on fanfiction despite writing some myself (i told myself it was different. it wasn’t.) but since i’ve like... participated in fandom, no. bc usually the first thing i do when i get through a piece of media i want to write for, i head out to read.

12. Have you ever written a fic and decided never to publish it? Why?

yeah bc it was bbclock and doctor who and those fandoms specifically were like... i liked them at the time, but i think i wanted to be involved in a big fandom and carve out my own space. my heart wasn’t in it the same way it was with psych which is when i like. really started writing. there’s some of that old stuff i like rereading, but i still don’t care for the source material the same way i do my true obsessions.

13. What’s the biggest change between your style when you started in fandom and today?

i’m not afraid to say dick, cock, cunt, pussy, etc. like maybe that’s not that big of a thing to other people but i Could Not do it when i first started writing bc i was a delicate flower. i got over that. like writing porn isn’t everything but it helps if you can use like actual words for fucking.

non-smut related, i think i’m leagues better when it comes to keeping the pace moving forward. idk if it shows in my oldest published shit (there’s a certain point i won’t go back and read bc i will be Compelled to update the fic to something better and i don’t have time to do that) but my momentum used to stall out a lot because i’d either get stuck in a scene i didn’t care about writing or i’d be too into something and get obsessed with what i was writing instead of thinking about the story from any outsider standpoint re: whether it was actually readable.

23. What’s the nicest review you’ve ever gotten?

honestly, any comment i’ve gotten that’s like, gone into detail about how i made someone feel a thing is in the ‘best’ tier, i can’t narrow it down further than that. anyone who has made me feel like my writing touched them, that they got into it -- that’s my reason for living.

33. Is there any particular character whose scenes always wind up being longer/more frequent than you expected? Does the quality hold up?

mmmm probably carlton j. lassiter. i’m compelled by him. i ID with him in a lot of ways, and i feel like i understand what he thinks, feels, what motivates him the most. that understanding ironically gives me more flexibility bc once you have a solid foundation, you know when you’re doing something wildly out of character. you can trust your gut a lot more.

so scenes with him usually end up running long especially if i have a character to play him off of that’s fun to write. i think it’s easy to get stuck in a banter loop especially when it’s him and shawn, and while it can be fun to write, you gotta know when to stop and get back to what the story’s about. that’s where the quality would lag behind.

50. Has writing fanfic had a significant impact on your life? Would you say it’s entirely positive?

it’s had a huge impact on my life. i went to college for writing, and while i got advice that helped me from that, fanfiction is where i can explore, tweak, see what works and what doesn’t in an environment that’s solely for fun and for free. i’ve been telling stories my entire life, but fanfiction is where i honed it into something usable. thanks to fanfiction, i’ve completed my first project that took years of on/off working to do, i’ve been able to learn how to maintain a tone and a style for a work for the years it’s taken to complete (s/o to my WIPs, i know they’re out there and need tending to). i’ve learned how to introduce side characters and how much the audience needs to know them w/o my obsession with them overtaking the main story.

there’s a lot i’ve learned that had to come through practice, and fanfiction is a great field to use.

i wouldn’t say it’s been entirely positive, if only because i’m super anxious about making the leap from fic to original work. because i’ve gotten comfortable using other people’s characters and interpreting events through their eyes, i worry that my own OCs won’t hold up or that i’ll fail at worldbuilding because i’m used to playing in sandboxes where so much is already built for me.

but that’s just a bump in the road i have to get over.

RE: Anons (finally!!) 1-8

In this post:

#2: How to handle surgery-related diets

#4: our fave recovery blogs

#5: dealing with bullying about vitiligo

#8: Recovering through the transition to college + how to challenge romanticizing ED thoughts

[CW behavior mention]

1. hi, sorry to bother you but I'm nervous I might have an eating disorder? I've been hospitalized for malnutrition in the past, but I just wasn't eating enough. the behaviors now are like binge purge restrict so on so on. I've been eating about [x] calories a day now because I want to lose weight without binging/ purging. should i tell someone about this, or is this normal?

FAQ #3 but yes definitely tell someone who can help!

2. I have to have a endoscopy/colonoscopy in a few weeks, and the prep for it has me completely on edge. In order to have the procedure done, I have to eat a restricted diet for a week, not eat for [x amount of time], and then take a super powerful laxative. My doctor also recommended I go on a weight loss diet, even though I'm still at a healthy BMI. After being recovered for several years, I've been struggling with a relapse, and I'm afraid that this will push me over the edge. Any tips on how to deal?

Sorry this is so late! Here’s advice for anyone else in your situation.

First, tell your doctor! Ask which elements of this are most important, and which can be worked around. Your ED is a complicating condition, so they should really know about it -- they’re treating YOU, not just your colon.

Second, give your laxatives to someone you trust, preferably someone who lives with you. If you can, enlist their support with mealtimes as well. If you get really sad at the end of the meal bc you can feel yourself falling back into that old place, that’s okay. Have them remind you that this is temporary, and that food is not as black-and-white as your ED wants it to be. Cede responsibility for figuring out your intake to this trusted person. Also -- make sure no one lets you know your weight at any point! Perhaps they can tell you when you’re back at your normal weight but that’s it!! The less you can obsessively track, the better.

Third, get into therapy NOW. Once this diet is over and everything gets quiet is when the ED stuff really starts to hit. I find that usually my recovery phase is ½ as long as my restrictive phase if I’m in therapy, and 2x as long if I’m not.

Fourth, acknowledge that this is unusually difficult and that struggling with a difficult thing doesn’t negate all the work you’ve been doing for years. You’ve built a solid foundation that has a good chance of keeping you stable through this rough time, and even if that starts to crack you have those same foundation-building skills to get it back to good.

I hope things went well for you <3

3. your blog always makes me feel valid and safe. thank you.

You’re so welcome! I’m glad it helps <3

4. Hey!! Do you know of any other positive recovery blogs? Im too scared to look in the tags bc they're full of pro ana things :( I love your blog, thank you!!! ❤❤

Fyoured was my fave, idk if they’re still active though! There’s also scienceofeds but that’s mostly summarizing current medical literature on it. Edreocoverystarfish and clinicallydepressedpug are also great! You can also check out our reblog tag

5. I've been suffering from vitiligo practically my whole life and it's something that affects me both psychically and emotionally. My brother often makes fun of me because of it, his favourite name for me is ''Michael Jackson"

That’s so shitty of him. If it helps, siblings tend to be rather shitty as they’re growing up, because it usually takes like 15-20 years to learn the basic emotional skills it takes to really be there for someone you love. Some people (especially masculine-identified people because of the social penalties associated) take longer to learn or never do at all. That’s not your fault.

For what it’s worth, siblings tend to make fun of whatever your biggest insecurities are, because humans learn how to affect others’ emotions before they learn how to affect them positively. Mine was acne for a while, especially since I struggle with dermatillomania (skin-picking) -- my siblings would wait for a Papa John’s commercial of a pepperoni pizza, point to it, and say “hey look, it’s Selena! HA HA HA!!”. My sister was really insecure about her hair being parted exactly down the middle, so my other sister and I would make fun of her for that. What I mean to say is, it’s not about the vitiligo. It’s about your brother not having learned yet how to NOT be a rude little shit.

Also, there’s no absolute that different colored patches of skin are ugly or bad. Calico cats are so cute! Freckles are adorable! Winnie Harlow is so talented! Find reminders in your life and/or online that different isn’t bad, and that this difference can be jaw-droppingly gorgeous or heart-breakingly adorable or lovably cute. It’s all about how you wear it.

And finally, know that love is always a choice -- including self-love. Rather, it is a combination of tons of small choices. Am I treating myself with love? Do I talk to myself lovingly, the way I would talk to a friend who was in my situation? Do I appreciate what my skin does for me, pigment or no pigment? Am I cultivating a life full of things and people that validate that love? It’s hard at first, it always is, but once you start it becomes a really awesome habit. Here is a great place to start (adjust pronouns as appropriate).

Sending you lots of love <3

[CW poop mention]

6. Hi, this incredibly embarrassing, but I recently experienced some personal trauma and so I am having problems with eating... Mostly restrictive and the inability to swallow some foods. However, I am having some digestive problems, mostly issues with skid marks. I was wondering if this is common and if there is a remedy for it... This is the first time I have experienced something like this. Sorry.

First, I really honestly don’t think anyone goes through their life without ever getting skid marks lol so you’re not a freak at all. I get them from time to time and I don’t really have digestive problems. Usually it just means I need to eat more fiber or adjust the balance of my diet. Also, this might sound weird, but anal kegels might help! The anal ring is all muscles, after all, and if restricting is a problem then all muscles have probably atrophied a little bit, including those. And finally, it might just be bad toilet paper. There’s lots of kinds that are practically useless and turn into a pulpy mess instead of doing their damn job. If you’re at home, consider getting stronger toilet paper (2-ply etc) or carrying baby wipes in a purse or backpack. Black underwear can also help with the insecurity aspect.

7. I love your blog so much! It helps knowing what other people are going through while making it a little humorous. Stay awesome!!

:D will do!

[CW romanticizing relapse, negative body image] 8. I have been battling with my ed for [x amount of time] now. In [y]th grade I got so tiny, I felt so pretty. I had never been skinny until then. I gained a lot of weight from being on so many medications, and now I am at an average weight but I am so unhappy with my body. I still struggle with purging and skipping meals. I start college this fall and I am terrified that I am going to let ana control me since no one will notice. I just want to feel beautiful and I know I wont until I'm tiny…

Something I’ve been going through recently is trying to lovingly remind myself when these thoughts pop up: I’m not believing this stuff because it’s true, I believe it because I’m literally crazy. It’s somewhat counterintuitive, but those beliefs can really take ahold of you if you take them seriously. But it’s just a symptom of the mental illness you know you already have. It’s like if you were prone to visual or audial hallucinations -- they feel real. They look real. They sound real. Of course you’d believe there are lions chasing you right now, because all of the senses you usually trust are indicating that that’s true. But also, if you can use the knowledge you have to try to see past them, you can actually interact much better with your environment.

Facts: you feel unhappy with your body. You still struggle with disordered behaviors. You start college this fall. College represents a big challenge to your ability to keep ana under control.

Beliefs: I can’t feel good unless I am thin. I can’t help but do what my ED says. I must keep this all a secret. I can’t get any help.

In the past 5 years, there have been times you’ve felt happy. Even when you weren’t thin. State memory means it’s hard to think of times you’ve felt differently, but it’s just a fact about human brains that we can’t feel one feeling for very long without switching it up.

Also, I guarantee you that you weren’t happy then. It’s so easy to romanticize thinness -- we see thinness romanticized literally ad nauseam -- but it’s such an empty feeling to be stuck in your ED. It’s so hopeless. It feels so crappy to walk into a restaurant with your friends, to see them all laughing and having fun when all you can think about is how terrifying it is to order food and how much you want to run away. When I really think about how awful each moment is with an ED, how I’m constantly either freaking out about eating or dreading the next time I’ll have to eat, how I had to numb myself constantly because reality felt so bleak.... Thin just isn’t worth it.

And let’s be clear: thin isn’t pretty. It’s just thin. Thin people CAN be pretty, but so can people of size, and so can very muscular people, and so can people whose body shape is more average. And eating disorders will make you thin at the expense of everything your body needs to maintain itself. It’s like insisting that houses are only thin if they have columns out front, so you hack off the front door, peel off the siding, pry up all the furniture, and stack up this pile of garbage to make some columns. You’re better off with a column-less but functioning house than one full of holes and empty inside.

Before you get to college, look up the mental health resources. Sign up for counseling through your school ASAP!!! Counseling tends to fill up as midterms approach, so this way you’ll be covered in case things go downhill later. Also, TELL people you trust. This you must do even if everything in you screams not to, because everything in you will scream not to, because your ED brain is actually trying to kill you. The more trusted people you tell, the less you have to fight it on your own, and the more resources you have to fight it. ALSO, see if there is an ED support group or a body positivity group on campus. Being around people who can gently call out disordered thoughts is a huge relief! And finally, explore other things that make you feel beautiful. Some people like makeup, and seeing how much of appearance is just illusion. Some feel beautiful when they know that they are strong and agile. Experiment with your clothing. Cut or dye your hair. Now is the time to test out different styles, and those are so much more fun to work on than calorie counting.

Lastly, you have more to do than be tiny. Mice are tiny. 5 cent candies are tiny. Pinky toe nails are tiny. What can you do that’s new? That helps you learn? That’s helpful? That’s exciting? Ana ignores all of that because of an obsession with BEING one thing. But ana doesn’t know shit about all the weird, cool, funny, wild stuff you can do. Show her what she’s missing.

Best of luck to you, and if you find yourself struggling in college don’t be afraid to message us back. We’re here for you throughout your recovery process <3

// HEYO! :D Here’s my version of the Meet the Artist meme that’s been going around! I got several admin asks as well, so might as well knock out two birds with one stone! 

Fun Facts & Q&As under the cut!

Sup! I go by Dissu! It’s my art/gaming nickname that was given to me by friends and pretty much just stuck with me to the extent that I respond to it as much as my real name haha

FUN FACTS! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

My corgi’s full name is Lucas GNAR (the latter being League of Legends inspired-- his nickname is Lulu tho ;o) I’m a total nerd and gamer if you haven’t guessed by now HAHA

I carry backpacks over small purses because I easily lose/misplace small things. (Bags with shoulder straps always slide off my shoulders too) My other two bags are a winged backpack and a small crossbody.

I carry a pillow in my backpack so I can sleep on the bus on my commute to work (I have no more shame LOL) Lucas ate an eye off it when he was a puppy, so that’s why it has one eye LOL

I doodle on post-its because they’re easier to get rid of/scrap if it comes out looking bad. I don’t have any sketchbooks because for some reason I’m really bad at drawing in books??

I have a slight case of RBF, so I will most likely look :| even though I’m :D on the inside

I dye my hair because my hair is usually extremely oily and dyeing is usually the only way to counteract it. (But mad respect to kpop groups because holy shit bleaching your hair pretty much fries it 2/10 would recommend -- also grey hair is rly hard to maintain zzz) 

My average sleep time on weekdays is 5 hrs, but on weekends it’s 12+ hrs. 

I am a self proclaimed sparkling rock (because I’m really bad at expressing my emotions irl lol)

ASKS! ( ˊᵕˋ )♡.°⑅

BTS: JIMIN by a narrow margin, JK and NAMJOON are tied for a close second (Yoongi is forever my spirit animal though)

For other KPOP groups I follow currently:

Big Bang: TOP

Sechskies: Eun Jiwon

I mainly use SAI! (and PS for animation)

And it’s ironic because I’m like 99% sure I messed up my brush settings yesterday lol but here’s what I have right now. I pretty much use the default brush for all my sketches, lineart and coloring. (The only difference is just brush size) 

I’ve been playing around with my settings more and more just for fun/ trying out new things since I already messed up my settings /weeps (I should have had a screenshot of my original settings in hindsight . . . rip me)

Q__Q omgsjakhgsdlkg thank you guys so much (●♡∀♡) <333 You all give me motivation to keep on drawinggg! <3 (I’m also rly bad at expressing thanks but tytytytyty x100000, it means a lot)

Disclaimer: Just wanna add really quickly, take what I say with a grain of salt bc what worked for me might not work for everyone.

Don’t give up & practice A LOT!

I’ve never had any ‘legit’ art classes in the sense that the only art I got from school was one elective class in high school. The program I was in during HS and the field I’m in now are both devoid of creativity lol (Which is why people at my workplace are usually surprised to see that I draw) That being said, most of my art is mainly trial and error! But it’s a hobby that I enjoy a lot, so I don’t mind the trial and error aspect of it. I also really like the fact that you can like graduallllly see improvement the more you draw! :D Only recently, I’ve been actively trying to get better and improve since I have more time to do things now. (Legit school was probably the main reason why I couldn’t draw a lot -- exams man)

To elaborate a bit, overall I think I’m an average artist at best because there’s simply so much that I still need to learn. I feel like for me, I never fully grasped the foundation for drawing (mainly anatomy), so I’m trying to relearn that now that I have free time. (I think previously, all I drew was still-life, so I . .  . can draw fruit???? LOL) Like if you look at most of my older pieces, you can see that I have no clue how to draw clothing, body structure, or color theory. (The good thing is, that I know my weaknesses, so it’s a good starting block! haha)

But for art in general, it’s all about your foundation and how you build on it. If you don’t know how to break the body down by body parts, then there’s no way that you can free draw a person that looks perfect. So at this point, for me, it’s just a quest for learning & self improvement! :D

Another important thing is to step outside of your comfort zone! I strongly believe that you learn from failure especially for art. Like I think this year was the first time I drew a full body picture because I forced myself to step away from just drawing faces only. (LOL LEGIT I’VE ONLY DRAWN HEADSHOTS OF PEOPLE FACING LEFT FOR LIKE 99.9% OF THE TIME) While it wasn’t perfect, I definitely learned from it.

I also highly suggest iterative drawing! Which is basically drawing the same thing over and over, but changing small things with every repetition. That way, you can compare and see what worked and what didn’t and carry that forward!

Also, don’t expect like change overnight! That’s one of the things I think people have a misconceptions of-- especially something that new artists can get a bit down on, because they don’t ‘see’ improvement. But JUST KEEP ON DRAWING! Because improvement will always be gradual. (It’s very similar to working out -- like you’ll gain muscle tone over time & not overnight)

Like this is probably one of the first CG pieces I drew like YEARRRRS back (maybe 2009????) when I first tried digital art vs a WIP of what I’m currently working on right now (yes, dat’s a jimin) :

So clearly, getting from point A to point B for me happened over a lot of years and not right away, but just know that it IS possible if you’re willing to be patient -- and that improvement is there even if you don’t see it! 

Also I just wanna throw out there that improvement isn’t always going to be a upwards curve, it might stagnate/plateau occasionally and that’s OK! I think when I was still in school, I took A LOT of art hiatuses that spanned months so when I would get back into drawing, my art probably looked worse LOL 

But for me personally, what it comes down to in the end, is that:

1) You’re making art because YOU enjoy it. If you go into drawing with the intention of getting famous or having a lot of notes, then there really isn’t that much personal sense of joy if you’re basing your accomplishments by how many notes you receive. Draw for the sake of yourself instead of for the sake of others -- it’s a lot more liberating.

2) You’re basing your improvement against yourself, not against other people. Everyone is different and everyone learns things at different rates, so don’t feel discouraged if someone else is improving at a different rate than you are. I know a lot of people get discouraged when they see how fast others may be improvement-- I mean there was a point where I was like that, but ultimately, improvement will always be a battle against yourself only. (This applies to like self improvement lol not just art improvement)

3) Have a positive outlook & be patient. Basically going back to point 1, art should be something that you enjoy doing/something that makes you happy! Personally for me, I don’t see a point of calling something a hobby if you find no joy in doing it. I feel like in the past my main struggles were that I was unhappy about my art because I kept on comparing it to like REALLY good people HAHAHA & because I had like no improvement in the beginning, but then I realized that there’s not point of being sad over something I can’t control. Because all artists have their own story and all artists have to start out somewhere. (tbh sometimes, all you have to do is just change your mindset a bit) 

TLDR; Lots of practice, seek improvement, try new things, have a positive outlook (BE HAPPY!!!) & don’t give up! (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و HWAITING!

 >___> I just realized that I wrote a lot in no particular order, so I’m sorry that it turned into one very messy essay LOL but hopefully that was kinda helpful? igotlazierastimewentonthololsosorryifthelastsectionmadenosense 

BUT I THINK I’M FINALLY DONE LMFAO! (Also bless, this cleared out several asks from my inbox) :D If anyone’s curious about anything else, feel free to message me (or ask me stuff once my askbox re-opens) -- I’m always free to chat! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Innerview: James Hoskins / World of Forms

April - August 2011

Art: Jean Fouquet / The Taking of Jerusalem by Ptolemy Soter / ca. 320 BC

Note: I’ve had the pleasure of being interviewed by James Hoskins several times over the years, as being a live-in designer for his Kansas City band Elevator Division back in our basement dwelling days. These nuggets in particular are fairly significant in my initial retirement / death of DJG Design and transition into personal art. The following is a two part interview for a blog feature. The first part is via email Q&A, the second morphed out of a discussion over coffee a few months removed.

PART I:

1) What do you feel are the biggest challenges to working a "day job" while being an artist? What are the benefits? Has maintaining a day job affected your art in any way, positive or negative? If so, how?

Anyone who has something cooking at home base is applicable to the challenges of a day job (I'm certain the interviewer can attest to this). And I think it's easy for one to think he or she has something special waiting on them while in the monotonous thick of the daily grind. But, you have to keep a level head. I believe in a healthy balance of being a human first and an artist second. If right, you can mix the two. Sort of a "Have Brain, Will Travel" mindset. Anything and everything is good meat and day job placement should be no stranger. I am always a working artist, yet I don't wish for myself to be the work of art nor play God with it. 

As an artist in an office or cleaning an office (the two climates I've been kicking at the past decade), I try to intake what I can, smell what roses I can find and bring back home to the table inspiring meat. Of course, as a janitor, I was literally bringing things home! (Probably not so much fun for roommates or wife, me thinks.) Anyway, my nature has always managed to maintain employment or casual servant/observant at places where I'm still able to keep locked inside, somewhat. I've just never had any means to climb another man's ladder. Rather, I show up, stay on the ground and help out the best I can while still tinkering within. I believe every man is wired a certain way. I'm a starving artist in the sense that I am always hungry to create and nothing can stop me, not even a day job.

Of course, owning up to a day job doesn't come without trials. As I grow older the major seemingly stackable factors are time and energy. A year, even five years, is sucked away so fast now and I can no longer do the all night artistic marathons like I could at 22. But, at a younger age I was also dealing with design deadlines for clients. Something that isn't a factor now that I've gone the route of solo artist. I'm still making as much stuff, just on my own time 'n' dime and staying smart with getting to bed early/getting up early. Still, there is never enough hours in a day or life span to amount for what I'd like to leave behind in this life. I guess I am content but there can always be more content! 2) Why the change from graphic design to visual artist? What led to the change? What is your new vision/direction? Lack of time and energy, the want to develop and explore elsewhere, loss and change of who I once was to who I am now, poor business skills, the soul sucking of self-promotion and marketeering, the changing of the design guard, technology takeover, everybody being a designer now, personal betterment, a shift in heart/gut...many factors stack up to my decision. I explain further in a letter to the public on my web site. It was a grueling three year process and those close to my calls can now nod collectively. Though, as the human I am, I'm no stranger to inner struggle and I'm a pretty emotional being. I guess that's why my voice is what it is in speaking through art? I realize now that all the inner back 'n' forth from 2007-2010 was the result of something dying within. And when I kind of came-to around the first of February 2011, I found an immense feeling of freedom. I guess compared to most in my position as a graphic artisan for hire, I displayed an unlimited amount of freedom in the last decade. Just something inside me was shifting and I had to listen and let it take shape or be consumed completely. It's hard to explain and most people are either genuinely supportive or sorta saddened and confused by it. I'm feeling good about it and really it's not that drastic of a deal this side of the decision. Also, my stuff will still be seen on a few things here and there for others if it feels fit and my voice is right. Everything I've ever done has been leading to this. I'm excited. I'm still making art. I always will and always expect there to be many a shift in me. Ultimately, my goal is to make art full-time and I'd like to eventually have an agent or someone to help me in the areas I lack so I can better focus on what I should be doing. But, for now, my goal is to not think and just make. From day one I've never set restrictions on how I make art. I do have certain ideas I've been kicking around for a long while. My back burner has become a bonfire the past 8 to 10 years! We'll see though, as it's a process that can't just be point-click-ship and I don't really like to leak out too much beforehand. I'm currently piling things up and plan not to reveal much for a while. It's nice to just sit and play mother hen. Though, I can say I'm working on exhibitions, books and online printing/purchase shops with the work that I've produced up to my artistic shift. Just chipping away at the boulder, mostly. What I don't want to be is the guy who lives in the future on past merits. I'm proud of what I've accomplished, but there is a lot of gas left in my tank and I'm looking forward to a hopefully long and fruitful life in and outside of the arts. It's nice to take a breather though and sorta have a time out. It allows a man to slow down, see and appreciate what he's already got and the foundation to the black and white up ahead. 3) What advice would you give to other artists? It could be practical, artistic, or spiritual. This is your chance to wax eloquent. I believe in just following your heart and gut. And if you have to work a day job, do it, and don't stop creating. Turn frustrations into fruit. So many people give up or are all blow and no go. Even if time/energy/life doesn't budge, do what you can and when you can. Document everything and leave your dots down here. Find the tap and drink from that. There is a vast, unlimited reservoir there for the taking. There are so many things going on and on top of each other right next to you. Be true. The best and most pure art is of the moment and can't be repeated. Crawl back into why you began creating in the first place. Listen to yourself or your elf...or that thing ticking and walki-talking above you. Ear wax eloquence. Amen. 4) If there's anything I didn't ask that you really want to say, say it! If you're happy and you know it clap your hams.

-djg

PART II:

0​1) "One's passion can become a monster sometimes."

No matter what you're doing, there are certain limits. There is a monster in all of us and we feed it in different ways. A practical discipline and taming comes into place. There is one monster in particular people are especially over-feeding, the online world. Kids of the future will never have their umbilical cord cut. We're all becoming our own iCons of self-promotion and iBrand building. I'm guilty to a degree (I have tons of stuff online and am slowwwly thinning things up a bit) and there have been times where I've tried to take a step back. It's hard. One big thing that has helped has been making art and nesting up on it and not immediately putting it online for those few that care. It's become the norm to constantly be beating brows but I'm less and less impressed with where we're headed and I tend to butt heads with it. I have to take it in small doses as an overload of focus on "me" takes away from the purity and intent of creating art and community. I guess it depends on the individual, and again, the balance. Some people are good at it, but I wasn't wired for it. I have noticed myself doing better with it since retiring my DJG DESIGN name and approaching things differently. I love sharing my art as much as the next guy, but sometimes the artist can become the work of art as opposed to the bigger thing they're channeling. That's a dangerous beast I'd like to avoid. ​0​2) "I never want to be someone who milks the same cow. Because I'm changing every day, and it would be untrue to myself for my art to stay the same and not reflect that change." Though I try not to set rules, there's probably an umbrella of look and feel to the way I'm creating. But, I've never been concerned with that as what shakes and bakes the viewer, or me. Ultimately, it's up to them if they're up for opening up to it. If not, no big deal as we can't all see the same way. We all see through different shades and with our own set of wiring. As humans we should be evolving yet never enveloping and I find that whatever mood or feeling I'm in per given day, that's what is fueling my creativity and how I make. It's all part of the process. Even still, I wouldn't feel right doing the same thing artistically every single day and/or finding the spaghetti that "sticks" and always waking up and doing that. That's what day jobs are for, I guess?! I tend to find it odd when artists have detailed artist statements already mapping out what they do, what they intend to do and what it all means. Some are cool and all but there are many days out of the week where I'm not impressed by them. Boxing in a corner can pigeon hole or suck fun and discovery out of art for me. That's just never been on my personal radar or to-do list.

​0​3) "With technology, anyone can be a designer. That leaves me without a place. I wanna make art with my hands."

I'm not against others exercising their creative chops and I'm not against advancement in the art of computer graphics. There's a place for it and I use a computer as a tool when need-be. But, there are times where technology (and just because it's there, accessible and convenient) takes over causing other areas to be void. It can put an artificial filter on things. It can also cause everyone to undermine and undervalue art per our era of instant commentary. Everyone is a professional commentator and judge. There also seems to be founder's rights flung across quickly in a world where everything has been done under the sun/son. I want an experience that lends time to chew on before sending it out to the world and I don't want one in which it's critiqued, commentated upon and microscoped within the first 5 seconds and then moved on and buried like the road out west. But, that's just the way of the beast that many people find is best these days. We can't just accept that "E.T." came to Earth like Elliot did and form a special bond and find love in that, in him, we have to roll in and put him under with our holy thunder. We're reducing everything down to a science and I dont think everything needs to be put under, tagged and bagged. You can scratch 'n' sniff everything down (but I would love to see true scratch 'n' sniff technology on something like an iPad!). But, why not just make things because you feel something hit you a certain way or came down on you and out and leave it at that. I appreciate an exploration and searching with childlike eyes and pouring out what needs to be said within while transmitting something much bigger. And sometimes I can tap into that with digitally slick oil spills. However, when approached like a business man because he's got a machine to desktop decorate, it typically has the greater ability to lose something, at least to me. I guess I've never had a business man's mind? But, there are always two sides and there are some who are great at business and art with heart. "Have heart, will translate and travel", isn't working as much as it once was. I guess the happy medium I'd like to see more of is still in the shop. There are some out there finding it and that's great. And I don't think I'm too far off with all of this falling somewhere in the, "What if God instantly installed within us a machine-like activation button to love and instantly know a tangible Him and make the purest of choices in His name and all that." I'm no scholar, artistically or Biblically, but that's some meat I tend to chew on a great deal. We're swiftly headed towards an age of the union of man and machine and that scares me. Interesting though as it brings to mind the fascinating dichotomy of a movie/character like WALL-E, a man-made machine who also has a heart. I found myself in WALL-E and his little world as it reminded me of my own...until the humans came along plugged into their machines. Personally, I don't think they should have gotten Earth back. But, I guess this is a morale tale to maybe trigger something within us? Or, maybe they're showing us that we can smash our cake to the ground and still eat it too. I believe in forgiveness, rehabilitation, a second chance and all that...but I've my own ending in mind for that one. I'll just make my own director's cut. ​0​4) "I like to notice squirrels and butterflies - these little worlds that are buried beneath all our junk. That's a theme in my art - the human element buried in 'junk' - found objects that others have thrown away." It amazes me what we pass by every second, even in our own homes. There is so much to our daily landscapes, inside and out. There is so much buried on top of each other and many different worlds interacting and conversating. I feed off much of this junk (natural and man-made) and try to tap into it as much as I can on my journeys or while in the act of making art. I don't really consider myself a political or "message" artist by putting the amount of found objects and trash into my work like I do to prove a point. I just see the potential or beauty in something and run with it. Naturally, I miss being a janitor because I got paid to rummage physically and mentally. Our things are our souvenirs. The documentary "Wasteland" fits in well with all this...art/trash/life/love/God. I grew up in rural Missouri. Animals were at my feet. Living in a big American city, it's nice to get this when I can and mostly with squirrels playing, butterflies flapping and the occasional praying mantis buzzing by or quietly creeping. Walking to work is a big plus for bookending my day job life stuck inside artificial air. I'm thankful for the shelter, but I just can't help but think it wasn't meant to be this way. But, we should also smell the roses when and where we can. About a year ago something in me said to take a different pathway home from my day job for the first time in over 5 years. Because of this I happened upon a tiny, sightless baby squirrel on the sidewalk on one of the hottest days of summer. He must have fallen from the tree nearby but I couldn't see a nest or any other squirrel activity. He was scared to death. So was I. I was conflicted though on what to do in the whole nature vs. nurture category. But, I couldn't let him suffer or become food for another animal or even stepped on or ran over by a human. It was quite the emotional experience (for both the squirrel and me) but I brought the little guy home and my wife took him to an animal rehabilitation center the next morning. I still wonder a great deal about that squirrel. A few months ago I was walking to work and apologized to a tiny bunny in a tiny patch of yard because we had built all this concrete and junk in his way. I told him to be careful. The next day around the same spot I saw a smashed bunny in the road. It was sad. Were we in his way or was he in ours? ​0​5) "With the squirrels, are we in their way, or are they in our way? The same with the Internet, is it in our way or are we in its way?" I love watching squirrels and other critters. Especially in the city. It's a treat. Though, I can't help but look at both perspectives of it. While driving long distances my wife and I love to play "Hawk Spot", the art of spotting hawks on the side of highways. It's interesting to see them stoically surveying what we've built. There are so many just sitting there, watching us driving to destinations. We should probably take a good look at the information highway the same.

0​6) "I'm not anti-technology, but I've never been completely comfortable with it. I just need to put some of myself into my art." I'm a fan of hands-on media. Just the other day I was watching an '80s horror movie and loved the tangible effects created. "Woah, Freddy just totally crawled out of that dude's body!" Today, more than likely, these would be computer generated. It's not that I don't find an esteemed art or appreciation in computer imagery. I think there definitely is when it's done well. But, it's becoming so easy now to do it that after a while it starts to dumb and numb everything down. I prefer something I can tell a human made it. I'm both excited and a bit bothered that another "Jurassic Park" movie is in works. And my only bother is the possible loss of the late Stan Winston's wonderful ideas with the dinosaur puppetry. In design school (Missouri State University) I was placed on a computer and I just couldn't get passed the screen barrier. I struggled so much that I considered changing emphasis, perhaps even a retreat from the arts altogether (which, I had no clue what would be). I stuck with it and eventually had to rediscover myself and my love of creating in the first place. I had to crawl back inward, get my hands dirty and only see and utilize the computer as a tool. It helped too that my instructors all came from Eastern European/Russian backgrounds and with a great push for art/design history. All of this inspired and influenced my work as well. I began seeing and tasting differently. I found my former self again, the boy who just enjoyed making art and fused with a whole new sense of discovery. I was hungry. I still am! However, I didn't feel comfortable with consuming a life in an actual design company as another person behind a computer shuffling images around like a desktop decorator. They're not all bad guys, just not for me. I would come back from visiting design firms with a complete sense of failure and disgust. It just wasn't for me and I had to listen to that. I wanted to make my art and my way and without anyone owning me. I wanted to lock myself in a room, pour myself into the work and pour the work out...make art and share with people in a different way. I've always looked at design as an artist first. I've never really considered myself a designer. And of late I've morphed and felt more comfortable with just going the way of the visual artist. But, I don't really care for the classification of "artist" either. I just do as I do. My recent morph has confused a lot of people but I don't see much of a change. I will still do design if it's a good fit for both my voice and a client's. I just need to be a healthy human first. ​0​7) "Our collections help us see our own timeline of growth and development. We don't have that with the Internet. Everything is electronic-instant-throw away. Everything's a la carte. Maybe that's good for the environment, but it's bad in another way." I can see positive aspects in technology with the hunting and gathering of culture. Blogs and online areas of round-up are like lockers of curing meats. But, I'm so thankful to grow up when I did as kids growing up right now don't know a life without the internet or instant gratification or instant audiences. I'm also thankful to grow up where I did in rural Missouri, yet still have have access to finding pop culture and not to mention parents who allowed me to do so. In the end, it's not the culture/media/things that get man across his or her desired county line, but there is something special about them. There is no denying the things we love help define us. I just never want that to be why and who and what I'm living for. But, when there are unlimited resources at man's side all the time, they start to become the controller. Something to chew on... My parents have many Amish families/communities living around them now. Apparently, they use more technology than my dad does. I'm slowly warming up to the idea of music floating in space, the mp3. Though, I still don't find a connection to it like I do with something in my hand, with art accompanying...the total package and the intent of the artists who made it. There is something special about that. I like that there is more access to music that I may not have heard otherwise, but after a while it becomes too much of a good thing. I listen to something and then forget about it because I've got so much to eat. "I haven't quite absorbed that one yet." is a great line from the movie "High Fidelity." I've a big appetite for consuming culture, but I still find myself not spending enough time with things like I used to because there is so much and/or I know it will always be there so it's easy to put it off and just keep eating because I can. Also, I'm getting older and there is more in a day now than there once was, yet the days are so much shorter. I love and appreciate how a band like Radiohead can all of a sudden come from behind their computer curtains to drop a new album digitally the day after they reveal they've even got a new one to drop. But, it actually stresses me out and knocks some of the fun out of it for me. There was something special about saving up money, cutting a college class, driving to the record store salivating after months of wait and cryptic campaigns, making my purchase, sitting in my car, cracking the seal, looking, listening, smelling, smiling, going home with it, making popcorn, getting under the covers, hitting PLAY...making something special of it. And then seeing your own timeline on that album years later and seeing the ebb and flow of the musical landscape in your head, in the air. The complete package. I have fond memories of many albums (and movies). I still try to get the hard copies from certain bands (Radiohead definitely), but there is something missing...maybe that's a theme they're embracing and experimenting with all-around in their music and marketing too? Also, the idea of the album is being pushed and pulled these days. I think there will always be a place for the complete package, regardless, but I'm still iffy about where things are headed. And I'm not even going to get into the loss of the video store generation, something that has a deep grain in my formative years and still helps fuel my art today. I realize that every generation changes or breaks the mold and what we have serving the majority now will be obsolete very soon. But, I just personally prefer a want to be in an impressionable age of real user activity, not an impressionistic one. In the end all of this stuff means nothing in comparison to people starving to death from actual food (not cultural food). I've too much to be thankful for. ​0​8) Difference b/w being force fed music and art and being hungry and finding "food." I slipped into the poster business at a unique time right before social media boomed. The passing of information via poster or tangible object isn't completely dead, but it is out in the cheap seats as people receive and share information online and/or have it force fed to them instead of satisfying a hunger in what I find to be a more meaningful way. Almost like an angelic stumble. It is fascinating the number of people you can reach and share with a single item of imagery and information online. I get that. Still, too much of a good thing isn't a good thing. It's overload in a new way to where so much of it is just filler. But, I can flip the coin and see there is so much filler in the window or bulletin board of a coffee shop. But, I love it when something substantial can smack a person out of the flesh of day to day overload and touch them in a certain way that becomes more personal. This creates a more special kind of world wide web to me. I guess it's like when a bunch of seeds are cast into the wind and only a small percentage of those "take" and sprout future seeds. I just find the experience of a poster or piece of art in person to be more genuine. I used to come away from places like Urban Outfitters so frustrated for pop culture and discovery. There's been a nostalgic branding of what is deemed cool and hip. I've come to accept it. I just don't get it and maybe I do when for convenience's sake. Maybe I'm just mellowing out more the older I get with these filters of cool. It's just not worth it in my typically short-changed day to be so concerned with it anymore or even trying. I'd just rather blow holes in my own jeans because I wore them out. Satisfaction guaranteed! ​0​9) "I can't get attached to music as much when it's floating in space. I like having it in my hand." I like going to a museum to see art, not downloading a PDF of it." I'm slowwwly warming up to the idea of the mp3 or movies on demand. I appreciate it but still find it odd and at times very fleeting. It's easier to forget about something when it's downloaded out of thin air and stored in a data bank and there any time you want it like a self-serve drive-thru. I finally got home internet and instant Netflix this year. Really cool and all, but I find that I still don't get too jazzed by it as it is always there waiting. I can see circumstances where vehicle video monitors would come in handy. Though, more and more I see parents switch them on for short distances. We're numbing ourselves straight out the chute. After attending a live musical production recently the parking lot was suddenly illuminated even more by screens on the backs of seats. Are we that bored? Just the other day I saw a truck drive by with a whole batch of little dogs stretching necks to look out. It was quite something and touched me more than most humans do. We don't seem to appreciate the air we breathe or recognize a blue sky unless it's in a Pixar cartoon on the back of the seat in front of us. 10) Almost born at home b/c of a blizzard. Mom had to be transported by a tractor through snow drifts. Hometown: Chillicothe/Wheeling, MO/Farm. Why am I here? What's my purpose? These are questions I've always asked myself. 1979, my birth year, seems like an old world compared to now. I guess a far removal from any day and age has such a haze. Same applies to the melting of a big blizzard. But, as far as I can tell, we're all the same coming in as we are going out. As in, we all get the bite in the same. I'm fascinated by coming into the world. Actually, it perplexes me more than the being here and going out. Maybe because it's a memory that can't be weighed? Why me and why that time and place? Yeah, you can boil it down to a mom and a dad, but there is something more to it. Something kinda freaky-beautiful-mystery. It all adds up to who and what I am now and I still can't make much sense. I'm nobody special, but I was made and I made it and I'm making things to counter react. That's saying something. We've all got something to say. I don't know. Most people seem to go without bothering about this stuff. They just put on their boots and start marking or mucking up their timeline. Not a bad way to go about it, I guess. But, I've always carried this stuff. I guess it lends to why I do as I do and the next guy does as he does? I was in line at Target and the cashier was well "with child" as her stomach hung over the counter and the scanner area. Pregnant women are intimidating, but this was also fascinating. All I could think about was the little thing inside hearing a part-time to full-time parade of "beeps" and "blips" and odd mumblings about prices and products. What a weird thing before you have to come out of the comfort. 11) "Art is my way to communicate what's going on inside.... I don't know if I really believe in cliches, cause their all true. It's like guilty pleasures." For a long time I've felt something inside of me and around me that I've needed to say and I say that with my art. And if it doesn't make much sense to the viewer, then no big deal. If it sounds cliche to the viewer, then good for them. I wasn't blessed with a vocal personality on the outside. I've always adapted more with the back row corner crowd. I don't know, art is my outlet for sharing. It's weird though as I've had social phobia since I was first put around other humans yet spend so much time alone making art that it causes me to have more social problems. But, the art actually helps me. It's a weird world I live in. Eventually, I'd love to do art for a living, but in the end it will never be about that. I will be making art no matter what until my number is up. I don't believe in the term "guilty pleasure" unless it's really affecting your life and others in the process like an addiction to drugs or other activity. If you like the new Katy Perry single because it's catchy pop then so what? Why feel guilty about that? It baffles me that we have to put up precursors of cool to protect and project our cultural DNA. I think there is truth in cliches and at some turn they can become classic. I guess my main beef is when people go for cheap shots, lowest common punches or don't push themselves or their own voice intertwined. But, then again it just depends. I still giggle like a schoolboy when people get punched where it counts in movies. 12) "I'm a believer in God, and I have faith through Him. If anyone is creating, they've gotta believe there's something bigger than all this, whether they believe it's God or not. I've always liked the idea of finding God through childlike eyes, and that I can tap into that through art and discovery." My favorite and most purest of makers are folk artists. There comes a truth in that with the connection to something bigger in their work. They have something to say, are typically prolific and hardworking, art oozes from them. I see a very special kind of balance within to Him. One that is seen worked out through images and the act of creation to help further an understanding and taming. They have to create and say what needs to be said. I'm no folk artist, nor anywhere near, but I find a kinship with these kinds of creators. The way a child creates, looks at the world and plays is vital resource material as well. And not just for an artist, but for everyday living/profession. We should all be more like children. I can't connect with much of the adult world. Even as a child it didn't make sense to me. I was so freaked out about dating and marriage in the first grade. It's sad to me when we get caught up in games that push purity away. I'm no purist or saint. I think we're all tainted at birth. We come out of the cannon and are instantly thrown into the thicket. But, art and looking at things with a spiritual lens just helps me reconnect and see Him a bit clearer. I can't not see Him. Anybody channeling something within to make something on the outside is tapping into something big. There's a reservoir out there that all of our individual reservoirs are connected with. It is there. I'd be another wreck on the highway if it wasn't for my belief in all of this. 13) "I grew up in a very white bread church with no instruments. A lot of artists chuck their childhood or religion to the curb. I'd rather tap into it. You learn a lot of important life-things in your early years." I won't go too far into this, but it's weird when we set man-made restrictions upon the simplest and purest of things like worship. I've never understood that. God can be found in everything and the world isn't painted black and white. Again, this is like putting a microscope to it and staking a one way flag. Stuff like this causes many a more colorful outlook to run. I've never understood how people can just stop being childlike or creative just like those that decide to bury their past. It's kinda like knocking the foundation out of a building. I wouldn't do as I do without those early years. But, I can admire those who can re-invent themselves with what they've built. I love playing Legos. I just find it sad when we chuck things to the curb. But, I can also see why as life and other lives can be pretty darn hard on some folks. 14) "I love the idea of a timeline through my art - to see how I was developing and growing." It's important to have a human identity, to say something of value in art and that goes with anything we're pursuing and leaving behind. And it's neat to see this physically in something like a body of work with art. I look at stuff from years ago, heck, even last week, and think, "Wow, what inspired me to do that? Something was thumping in me and had to come out like that!" I also love how each thing leads up to the next, like marks on a height chart or a traveled map. Everything in life got me to the end of this interview... -djg