collectivefandomstuff
Miscellaneous Nerd Stuff
Ah yes, the sideblog where I sometimes post something other than Batfamily content, but not really. // Asks follow genie rules// welcome to the family I guess š¹š¹š·š·šŗšŗšš
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[on patrol]
Red Robin: [sitting on a rooftop, drinking hot cocoa]
Red Hood: [lands next to him and sits down, pulling out a sandwich]
Red Robin: [holds out a thermos] want some cocoa?
Red Hood: [takes the thermos] yeah, thanks. [offers his sandwich] Want a bite? I baked the bread
Red Robin: hell yes
Red Hood: quiet night tonight
Red Robin: [humms in agreement]
Red Robin and Red Hood: [watches the skyline in silence]
[Nightwing, covered in a slimy substance, flies past them through the air as though heās been catapulted from a great distance]
Red Hood:
Red Robin:
Red Hood: do you think he saw us?
Red Robin: I donāt think so
Red Hood:
Red Robin:
Red Hood: we canāt all be fighting Ivy, there wouldnāt be anyone left to fight the other criminals
Red Robin: thatās a sound argument. Say while we were helping him someone robbed the mayor, then where would we be?
Red Hood: he definitely came from over by the library, thatās way outside both our routes
Red Robin: so we agree that we wouldnāt be doing our job if we left our post to help with whatever that goop was
Red Hood: definitely
Red Robin: the mayor will thank us
Red Hood:
Red Robin: [sips his cocoa]
Red Hood: cards on the table- I already robbed the mayor earlier tonight
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[mid-argument]
Clark: listen Bruce, I donāt doubt that youāve done your best raising your kids but you havenāt really given them a clear set of morals beyond the āno killingā rule
Bruce: [annoyed] Dick, come over here and tell Clark that Iāve always taught you to be honest and kind
Dick: Bruce has always told me that honesty is the best policy. And that itās important to treat people like you want to be treated
Clark: [pleasantly surprised] really?
Bruce: Iāve always had a clear set of rules in place for my children. Frankly, Iām insulted that you would think otherwise
-years earlier-
Bruce: There are two rules in this house that are absolute
Dick Grayson: [9 years old] ok
Bruce: one; no killing
Bruce: two; always lie to Clark if I tell you to
#bruce wayne#clark kent#Batman#dick grayson#bruce wayneās a+ parenting#humor#chat#dc#incorrect batfamily quotes
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Poison Ivy: Batman. [sighs] Iām guessing youāve come to stop me from lacing the cityās water supplies with my latest creation?
Batman: [glares]
Poison Ivy: [crosses her arms] even more quiet than usual tonight
Batman: [glare intensifies]
Poison Ivy: [awkwardly] Soooā¦
Nightwing: [from behind her] Robin jinxed him
Poison Ivy: [startles]
Poison Ivy: waitā¦ jinx as inā¦
Nightwing: as in he canāt speak until someone says his name
Nightwing: which of course isnāt allowed while heās wearing the cape and all
Poison Ivy: so youāre going with him to speak for him?
Nightwing: what? No
Nightwing: my wi-fi is down
Nightwing: Iām desperate for entertainment
#poison ivy#batman#nightwing#humor#chat#dc#incorrect batfamily quotes#batfamily#incorrect batfam quotes
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[in the batcave]
Bruce: [checking off names on a clipboard like a middle-school class trip chaperone] ā¦Jason, Kate, and Duke. Thatās everyone. [checks the list again] whereās Tim? Itās unusual for him to be late.
Everyone: [looks around in confusion]
Bruce: [sighs] someone call him
Babs: already calling
[tense silence as the phone rings]
Tim: [on speaker phone] yeah?
Bruce: [immediately] we have a meeting scheduled. Where are you?
Dick: [leans forward towards the phone] are you ok?
Tim: [on speaker phone] shit. Look, I donāt think Iāll be able to make it
Bruce: [tiredly] why not?
Tim: [on speakerphone] uhmā¦ itās kind of hard to explain
Kate: [smirking] are you on a date?
āin another part of town-
Tim: [glancing to his left where Bernard is watching an abandoned storefront through binoculars, waiting for Batman to emerge from the hideout Bernard concluded must be on this street from an algorithm he made up]
Tim: I-
Tim: Iām not really sure
#tim drake#bruce wayne#kate kane#dick Grayson#bernard dowd#incorrect batfamily quotes#batfamily#humor#chat#batman#dc#incorrect batfam quotes#barbara gordon
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Babysitting
-
Jason: [grabs Damian by the shirt and pulls him along] come on demon youāre hanging out with me this weekend
Damian: -tt- I donāt hang out
Jason: well youāre gonna learn. Cāmon weāll play grand theft auto
Dick: [from the kitchen as theyāre leaving] You better not play that video game with him Jason! Heās too young!
Jason: [rolls his eyes] yeah yeahā¦
-later-
Jason: [leaning against a Lamborghini] what was that game Dick was talking about anyway?
Damian: [in the front seat, hotwiring the car] do I look like Drake to you? I donāt play video games.
#incorrect batfamily quotes#jason todd#damian wayne#chat#humor#dc#batfamily#incorrect batfam quotes#batfam
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Catwoman: [flirting while wearing a backpack full of stolen art] always a pleasure to see you Batman
Batman: I know you robbed the exhibit. Put it back
Catwoman: [pretends to think it over] you knowā¦ I donāt think I will.
Batman: fine. Just one thing before you go.
Batman: [steps aside to show Robin (Dick Grayson), 8 years old] this is Robin
Batman: heās been asking me to go to the exhibit since it opened but I havenāt had the time
Batman: I finally had some time off this weekend, so we were going to attend on Saturday.
Batman: he hasnāt spoken of anything else all week.
Robin: [blinks sadly]
Catwoman:
Batman:
Catwoman: [wavering] Iām not going to just-
Robin: [in a watery voice] it was all I wanted for my birthday
Catwoman: [throws her hands up] FINE IāLL PUT IT BACK
#batman#catwoman#Robin#dick grayson#incorrect batfamily quotes#batdad#batfamily#incorrect batfam quotes#humor#chat#dc#incorrect batman quotes#catwoman keeps insisting through the years that this is THE LAST TIME THAT WILL WORK#but Bruce keeps adopting tiny adorable children who can lie through their teeth#and it keeps happening
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Jason: why do I have to be the bad guy?
Tim: if you were trying to be something else I have some questions about your decision-making process
šš¤
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Title: Night at the (National History) Museum
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27235228
Type: Fanfic
Status: Complete. Chapter: 1/1.
Fandom: DC/Batman
Rating: T
Warnings: Crude language (cursewords, including the c word).
Beta: No beta we die like Jason Todd
Pairings: None.
Word Count: 7k+
Genre: Humour/Comedy
Characters: Tim Drake, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne, Damian Wayne.
Summary: Tim finds himself having, once again, been dragged into the social event of the season. As he slowly dies of boredom and the physical exertion of not rolling his eyes, he bumps into his fellow prisoners brothers and they decide to do something about Bruceās tendency to trick them into going to these things.
Excerpt:
āWe could call in a bomb threat?ā
āThatās imaginative.ā
āOk, then we get paintball guns and go to town.ā
āAlso unhelpful.ā
āNo, wait! Thatās actually a good idea!ā
āReally Dick? You donāt think people are going to ask questions if the Waynes start literally hunting socialites for sport?ā
Keep reading
#self reblog#fanfic#fanfiction#humor#i gave a language warning b/c microsoft word straight up told me my language was offensive#tw language#Batman#batfamily
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Tonightās Guest Speaker (part 1): Bruce Wayne
Bruce: helloā¦
Bruce: [squints at his cue cards]
Bruce: members of theā¦
Bruce: [squints harder and holds the cards further from himself]
Bruce: agriculturalā¦
Bruce:
Bruce:
Bruce: Hellnessā¦ sobrietyā¦
Dick: [loudly from the back of the room] Just admit you need glasses!
Bruce: [angry squinting] Iām honoured to receive your award forā¦ outlandish archivingā¦ in the field ofā¦
Bruce:
Bruce: [entirely without conviction] suspenseful flamingos.
#bruce wayne#Batman#dick grayson#dc#batfamily#incorrect batfamily quotes#humor#chat#Bruce: must you?#dick: you canāt drag me to a gala and not expect to get heckled
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Lex Luthor: I donāt do business with Gotham criminals
Black Mask: why not?
Lex Luthor: you regularly have your operations shut down by a 10-year old. And one without superpowers at that. I canāt have that level of incompetence in my organisation.
Black Mask:
Black Mask: I feel like youāve never met this particular 10-year old.
#black mask#lex luthor#Robin#incorrect batfam quotes#incorrect batfamily quotes#batfamily#humor#chat#Batman#dc
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Batman: [arms crossed] explain yourself
Robin (Dick Grayson): first off, that switch had a faulty label and there was no way for me to know that flipping it would-
-time skip-
Robin (Jason Todd): -make the vat of hollandaise sauce explode, I mean who even puts a-
-time skip-
Robin (Tim Drake): -mutant jellyfish in a shopping mall?! I had to do something. So maybe I stole a truck to transport the baking soda but-
-time skip-
Robin (Stephanie Brown): -what did you want me to do? Sit back and watch you get your legs chewed off by an alien life form? And before you say anything I know that it was just Mrs Sandsā Schnauzer but at the time I really thought-
-time skip-
Robin (Damian Wayne): -that the waitress was sent to poison you. My actions were justified.
-
Signal: how come Cass never took up the Robin mantle?
Batman: [without hesitation] sheās not annoying enough to be Robin
#Batman#robin#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#stephanie brown#damian wayne#signal#dc#chat#humor#batfamily#incorrect batfamily quotes
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A Gotham crook: [bleeding from a leg wound] Iām dying!
Red Hood: can you do it faster? I have an appointment
Spoiler: eating donuts and watching downtown abbey isnāt an appointment
Red Hood: it is if I have it in my calendar
Spoiler: a napkin from some dingy bar isnāt a calendar
The crook: [incensed] youāre just gonna let me bleed out?! I thought you were the good guys!!
Red Hood and Spoiler: [turn to look at Red Robin, who is tapping away on a digital planner]
Red Robin: [without looking up] ātis but a flesh wound
The Crook: ohmygod youāre the worst Iām telling Batman
Red Hood: have his phone number, do you?
The crook: Iāll tell the police and theyāll tell him!
Spoiler: I thought you were dying? Think youāll be the only ghost haunting the GCPD?
Red Robin: youāll live
The Crook: he shot me!!
Red Robin: just walk it off
The Crook: he shot me IN THE LEG
Red Hood: [mutters] shouldāve aimed for the mouth
Spoiler: thatās murder
Red Hood: not if I aim really carefully
Impulse: [in the corner of the alley, on his phone] hi. Iām starting to rethink this āinterning with the batsā idea. Can you come get me?
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I tag the source if there is one (unless itās a reference or song lyric or something that I expect to be known or easy to look up) but in this case and most of my posts there isnāt one. I just made it up
[Caught by Penguinās goons and tied to chairs in a warehouse, waiting for the cavalry]
Red Robin: Iām gonna say it. Shakespeare is overrated.
Red Hood: Ok, first of all: how dare you. Second of all: how DARE you?
Red Robin: Heās boring and Romeo and Juliet is ridiculous bullshit.
Red Hood: Counterpoint. Romeo and Juliet was always meant to be satire and if you read it with the knowledge that teenagers are idiots itās actually a fantastic, mean commentary on teenage romance.
Red Robin: The only way Iļæ½ļæ½ļæ½ll accept that argument is if he was purposefully making fun of a particular pair of teenagers that he knew in real life and āRomeo and Julietā was really Shakespeare being petty and mocking his cousin or something.
Red Hood: You- yeah that would be great actually.
Red Robin: Right? Still, my original point stands: Shakespeare is given way too much credit. So he invented some words. big whoop.
Red Hood: He basically invented the English language!
Red Robin: He better have considering the lenght of some of the monologues.
Red Hood: Look, thanks to Shakespeare we get to study dick jokes in school. There are so many dick jokes! How can you NOT like him?
Red Robin: One would think youād be over Dick jokes, growing up in our family.
Red Hood: Well where do you think I get most of my material??
Red Robin: Iāll concede that Macbeth is okay, but the rest of his tragedies? I mean, Hamlet? More like Ham-let-me-out-of-this-AP-English-class
Red Hood: One, that was sub-par and I expect better from you. Two; are you seriously going after HAMLET?
Red Robin: [snorts] Of COURSE you would enjoy a play about a death-obsessed dude with daddy issues and a thirst for revenge.
Red Hood: OK, POINT! But Iām still HELLA insulted. And Shakespeare is a master at exploring the human condition!
Red Robin: [rolls his eyes]
Red Hood: [to one of the Henchmen guarding them] Hey, you! With the ski-mask and bad enough judgement to wear sneakers to a gunfight!
Henchman: Uhā¦ yea?
Red Hood: Back me up here. Shakespeare is a cultural icon.
Henchman: well, uh, he always kinda bored me in school
Red Robin: A-HA!
Red Hood: Oh shut up. Since when are Penguinās goons the go-to authority on literature
Red Robin: Since Shakespeare gets way too much credit because of fanboys like you.
Red Hood: Says the man who CRIED about the Hobbit movies. Several times.
Red Robin: THEY RUINED IT. EXCELLENT PRECEDENCE, EXCELLENT SOURCE MATERIAL AND THEY-
Boss Henchman: [barges in] what the fuck is going on in here? Whoās making so much fucking noise?
Red Hood: [inclines his head towards Red Robin] Red Robin here thinks Shakespeare is overrated.
Boss Henchman: [immidiately involved] YOUāRE INSULTING THE BARD? HE BASICALLY INVENTED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Red Hood: [mimicking Red Robin] A-HA!
Red Robin: Look, if you want to stan an author who made a comedy about gaslighting and subjugating a woman through marriage be my guest but Iām different
Boss Henchman: Thatās a bullshit argument
Henchman #2 -a woman: Nah, heās got a legit point.
Red Robin: Thank you!
Red Hood: One bad play doesnāt mean you can diminish the impact of his work as a whole
Red Robin: Oh CANāT I?
Boss Henchman: I will not stand here and see the Bard slighted in my own house- warehouse- whatever!
āā20 minutes laterāā
Boss Henchman: -HISTORICAL CONTEXT
Red Robin: SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A SEXIST APOLOGIST WOULD SAY
Red Hood: THATāS NOT EVEN-
āā40 minutes laterāā
Boss Henchman: SHAKESPEARE SHOWED ME THAT WORDS CAN BE BEAUTIFUL
Henchman #1: I WENT TO AN ALL BOYS SCHOOL!! THEY MADE ME PLAY JULIET DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH SHIT I GOT ON THE STREETS
āā70 minutes laterāā
Red Hood: YOUNG LEONARDO DI CAPRIO WAS A LEGIT SNACC AND IF YOU SAY ANYTHING ELSE YOUāRE LYING
Red Robin: SO WATCH GANGS OF NEW YORK AT LEAST THATāS INTERESTING
āā90 minutes laterāā
Red Robin: THE FUCKING BARREL SCENE!! WHAT EVEN WAS THAT?!!
āā2 hours laterāā
Red Hood: HE TAUGHT HISTORY TO THE MASSES!
Red Robin: HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO SLEEP IN CLASS WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT IS WHAT HE DID
āā2,5 hours laterāā
Boss Henchman: [pointing a gun at Henchman #1] HOW DARE YOU CALL OTHELLO A LI'L BITCH-
Henchman #2: [Hits Boss Henchman over the head with a chair] JUSTICE FOR KATHERINA
Red Robin: [Cheering] GET HIM, SUSAN
āā4 hours laterāā
āāThe Batcaveāā
Bruce: [tiredly, rubbing the bridge of his nose] Ok, tell me again how you managed to escape.
Tim and Jason: [glancing at each other]
Tim: First off, Iād like to state for the record that we had everything perfectly under control.
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Jason: what if we did like a big party where we put lots of priceless artifacts on display in cases that are really easy to break into?
Duke: hmm, maybe. But we have to make sure the surveillance cameras are super easy to hack
Jason: well obviously
Steph: I think we should hire that one group- ātotally not working for any bird-themed villainā -to do security
Tim: oh excellent plan
Barbara: I still feel like weāre thinking too small- how about we invite the heir to a billion dollar company?
Cass: and also a known career criminal
Bruce: [to Dick] what are they doing?
Dick: role-playing as the party committee for the winter gala
Tim: [waving his tea spoon] ok, guys, I just had the best idea, hear me out
Tim: for a theme:
Tim: carneval!
Steph: oooh everyone can wear masks!
Jason: we could make full-face masks obligatory!
Barbara: [in a posh voice while stirring her tea] amazing work everyone, well done
#dick grayson#jason todd#duke thomas#bruce wayne#tim drake#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#barbara gordon#incorrect batfamily quotes#batfamily#batman#dc#chat#humor
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Glad to see you back! Hope life is treating you better, or whatever caused you to take time off has let you relax.
This ask was made a while back and I have a lot of unanswered asks, but I thought Iād start here. Thank you! It warms my dry old bones that some of you have missed me. I probably wonāt be as active as I have been; more stopping by once in a while. Reasons mostly being that I now have a full-time job that I really like which means that Iāve finally achieved my life-long dream of being a workaholic. But I do miss this blog so Iāll try to pop back in a bit more frequently.
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At the GCPD
Gordon: we still donāt know whoās behind these robberies, but we believe thereās a risk of escalating violence so we need to work fast here people
Police officer: how are we supposed to catch them if we donāt know anything about them, boss?
Batman: [melts out of the darkness] I can find them
Gordon: [ignoring that three of his officers just flinched and then tried to pretend they didnāt] how?
Batman: [still half cloaked in shadow] I have my ways
Gordon: [tiredly] well I guess beggars canāt be-
Gordon:
Gordon: are you crocheting?
Batman, in a less growly voice: [covering his hands with his cloak] no
Gordon: [stares at him]
Batman:
Gordon:
Batman: one of my kids is making a family quilt. weāre all supposed to contribute
Gordon:
The police officers:
Batman: [still crocheting under the cloak] Iāll find the robbers [steps back and vanishes into the night]
Police officers:
Gordon: [pinches the bridge of his nose with two fingers]
Police officer: [quietly to his colleagues] I bet itās Nightwing
#itās Jason#Batman#commisioner gordon#incorrect batman quotes#incorrect batfamily quotes#dc#chat#humor
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Conversation
At the Watchtower
Nightwing: ok people, we just got a message that the League is coming back in less than two hours which means that we have about an hour to come up with an excuse for every single incident that weāve caused during the time they were in space and 45 minutes to figure out how to hide the giant marmot.
Impulse: his name is Nathan
Nightwing: thatās shockingly unhelpful
Wonder Girl: we could tell them that the UN did it
Arsenal: Which part?
Wonder Girl: All of it
Nightwing: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard
Nightwing: Let's try it
---Later---
Superman: So, while we were off world the united nations formed a new country, crashed the stock-market, destroyed five buildings in downtown San Francisco and "supersized a marmot"?
Wonder Girl: [stone-faced] Yes.
Impulse: Also the other things
Red Robin: They really took advantage of the fact that you weren't here
Batman: [Squints suspiciously at the part of the world map that now includes the country "United Republic of Nonya"]
Nightwing: [sweating nervously] So enough about Nathan- I mean us, how was your trip? Did you... did you meet any nice aliens or...?
Batman: What does "Nonya" mean?
Wonder Girl: [quietly] shit
Red Hood and Arsenal: [with glee] NONYA-
#nightwing#impulse#Wonder Girl#red hood#Arsenal#Red Robin#incorrect justice league quotes#incorrect dc quotes#Teen Titans#young justice#incorrect batfamily quotes#superman#batman
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