#it really does make my day sometimes
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lonely
[ID: A limited palette of green and pink, Vashwood comic. The first page serves as a prologue. The first panel shows Vash speaking to someone off screen while Wolfwood is lingering behind him. A black arrow is drawn pointing at him. In the second panel, Vash is buying donuts in the distance while Wolfwood is once again in view, lingering. and the black arrow is drawn pointing at him. In the third panel, Vash is leaving a cubicle and turning towards his right with a slightly peeved expression. He sees Wolfwood, leaning against the cubicle, waiting for him, and with the black arrow drawn, pointing at him, implicating the consistent hovering of Wolfwood’s presence during Vash’s everyday. At the bottom of the page, they’re drawn out of panel with Vash turning to Wolfwood and saying with an irritated expression, “You’re really following me everywhere, huh?” Wolfwood responds, “What, you got a problem?” Vash responds without hesitation, “Yeah, kinda...”
The second page starts with a new day. In the first panel, Vash is seen alone, weighing apples in his hands at a mart, with crowds passing behind him. In the second panel, he turns to his right and starts to say, “Hey, Wolfwood...” In the third panel, he’s startled from seeing a stranger, whom he’d accidentally called out to when he was expecting to see Wolfwood. He says, “Oh, you’re not him. Sorry!” In the fourth panel, the stranger walks off and Vash muses, “Right, he said he had something to do today...”
The third page begins with a close up of Vash's miffed expression, the continuation of Vash's thoughts, "Now that he's not here, this is just like how I used to be, but... It feels lonely somehow. Oh well, I'll see him again tonight, like always." In the second panel, it shows Vash walking through the marketplace crowd, alone. In the third panel, the door panel is a close up of the door opening with a peek of Vash's head. He says, "Wolfwood!" In the fourth panel, Vash is holding a bag of food with a bright smile and says, "Are you hungry? I got you something to eat today!"
The fourth page begins with a shot of the room, two beds being highlighted, one of them being made properly with the blanket draped over the bed and the other with the blanket folded and pillow sitting on top of it. There's no sign of Wolfwood. The second panel shows Vash with a disappointed look as he thinks, "He's still not here?" The third panel shows Vash putting the bag of food on the table. Stapled to the paper bag is the receipt with a written note "For Wolfwood." Vash's thoughts continue "He does like to stay out so, I guess there's no reason to worry..." The fourth panel shows Vash sitting his bed somberly with his thoughts continued, "It's not any of my business anyway..."
The fifth page starts with a close up his blank expression as he looks downwards, thinking, "Even if he left completely... That'd be understandable and better for him. I'll just travel alone again... like before... Huh?" The next panel shows Vash's composure break, tears welling up in his eyes suddenly, as he didn't expect to cry. He starts to sob, putting his hands to his face to quiet himself and wipe at his tears, as he says, "Ugh... Dammit... I miss h..." The last panel shows Vash leaning over into his hands, still crying, and in the back, the door swings wide open with a bam as Wolfwood walks through with the punisher swung behind him. He shouts, "SPIKEY! You in here?!"
The sixth page starts with Wolfwood confused, looking at Vash and Vash looks back, just as confused, with tears in his eyes and snot out of his nose. Wolfwood starts saying, "Ah? You..." No longer in panels, at the bottom of the page, Wolfwood takes the Punisher off of himself and starts to walk towards Vash, continuing with slight concern, "What's wrong with you? Did something happen?" Vash, hurriedly begins to wipe at his tears, denying immediately, "No! No, I'm fine! Nothing happened!"
The seventh page, Vash points towards the table, with a hand still wiping at his tears and he smiles as he says, "I uh got you food. On the table." Wolfwood looks towards to the table and responds, "Oh. I was getting hungry, thanks." He turns his head back to Vash immediately after with an uncertain expression, knowing the other wasn't responding to his concern, and says, "But, I know you're an idiot with this stuff, so I'm reminding you again. Don't brush it off if it's an issue, alright?"
The eight page, Vash's tears have dried and he looks to Wolfwood with a soft smile and responds, "Yeah. It's okay though..." A panel at the center shows a side view of Vash approaching Wolfwood. At the bottom of the page, with no panel, is a close up shot of Vash's hand, holding onto the edge of Wolfwood's jacket sleeve, as he says, "Because you're here now. Wolfwood."
The final page is a back shot of both of them standing next to each other, Wolfwood's head tilted slightly to the left, not fully believing Vash as he says, "That doesn't answer anything, Spikey." Vash responds, "There's no need to talk about it! You should enjoy your food. Let's have a drink too?" Wolfwood responds, "Tsk, tsk. Fine, yeah. I could use one." END ID]
#vashwood#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun#trigun maximum#but onto this comic... i think and talk a LOT about vash's loneliness bc trigun is just. kind of central on that for a good while! esp in#the original manga he was alone for a good portion of it and he tends to keep others away like how he ran away from meryl and milly when#they tried to tag along. and he was kind of bothered when he realized ww was following him around Too. at the core even though he loves#humans and he loves deeply the people he does know -- he isnt really much of a people person and i think thats been the case since he was#young considering his initial doubts towards humans... with the exception of kids bc kids dont give him moral conflicts. so suddenly#here comes wolfwood!!! his guide. someone TRULY affixed to him until he has to get to knives. someone who isnt budging and someone whos#really good at following him around and even seems like he goes like 5 steps ahead to make sure vash doesnt run on him#in one way its - i don't want you to follow me bc i don't want to burden you and i don't want you to kill the people i want to save.#in another way its - i like this companionship. i like waking up to you and i like ending the way with you. i like talking to someone who#knows my world. i like being in your space and sometimes i enjoy talking about our day#theyre just living together. like. roadtrip buddies or theyre also under the same roof because they're going everywhere together.#trimax they mainly spend their mornings together and if they had personal business attend the other person would usually know and itd only#be during the midday. anyway bc of this kind of companionship i figure that vash eventually grew accustom to it and he really. cant go back#to the kind of loneliness from before. it's harder to imagine and it'd be harder to withstand. esp after 2 years with lina and her grandma.#ruporas art
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JORDAN PLEASE DONT WEAR SO MANY CLOTHES. PPLEQASE
#my art#dol#jordan the pious#PLEASE TAKE THEM OFF PPLEASE#MONK HABITS AARE SO ......... 😰#i had to LOOK UP THE PIECES OF A MONKS HABIT and MANIPULATE IT to not look like. THAT.#had to look up what a cross looked like too. sorry god#anyways. i think jordan would look cute in a braid and also have a mole#because its cute too#ugh.......... finally able to get this out of my head though#been trying to work on it for the past few days but i just couldnt get it right#for some reason i thought jordan had green eyes? i was wrong though.#its still a little off for me but i genuinely think its because theyre wearing too much clothes#i need to draw jordan without the cowl sometime. i hate the cowl. take that thing off#well. such is the fate of a freak such as i#i might make a poll to ask who you all want me to draw next because ive basically drawn all my favorite characters#besides leighton i really love him <- sicko who does the GET BLACKMAILED thing just so i can cheat save and fuck him repeatedly#anyways hope you all like this one#EDIT: SORRY LOOKED AT IT AND NOTICED A CRITICAL ERROR#UP NOW.
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An Update
It's been a minute. I'll keep this as brief as I possibly can because this is really hard to talk about, but I'll still put this under 'read more' so you're not bombarded with personal shit on the dash.
The truth is, I lost my passion for art a while ago, and I've been struggling to get it back. It's hard when I'm so viciously repulsed by my own art that I get physically ill.
I have not been doing well, for multiple reasons I won't discuss in depth, I just never wanted to be open about it because the internet isn't exactly a great place to cast your woes. But after all this radio silence and worrying about people waiting on me, I'm stuck between wanting to be private and wanting to talk about what's been going on. When the thing is I can't talk about what's going on, really. It's all just too much.
My sense of reality, for one, has been VERY wobbly and I've been struggling with hallucinations, nightmares, and a severe paranoia that makes it very hard to interact with people. I have already made multiple attempts to take my life, one of which was nearly successful and debilitating. I'll spare the grittier details, but even this feels like a grossly-underwhelming overview of everything...I wish I could put this into some pretty-looking comic, or just present this in a more aesthetically-pleasing manner that isn't an ugly wall of text. But I can't, and this is all I have.
Truthfully, I'm scared to death to be this honest. This is already excruciating to type out. This isn't to summon a pity party, it's why I've held off talking about anything for so long - it's more just an explanation on the severity of the situation, and why things have been so stagnant.
I want to create art again, I think, but I'm trapped. I have ideas, but every time I so much as look at my art or I lift up a pencil, I end up getting sick. Being online at all results in panic attacks. I wish it wasn't this way, more than anything, but I've started to accept that this is probably just what I deserve. It's hard to explain.
I don't know...I don't have solutions or promises other than I'm still alive, somehow, and I'm probably working through it. I'm just sorry about the lack of development in anything, I wanted to do so much and it kills me that I haven't.
Blegh, this ended up being long. I'll wrap it up here, no point in saying much more since this is so gloomy. But, to my mutuals that I've seemed distant with because of all this: it is absolutely not your fault and I assure you that I've missed you, I've just been awful at maintaining contact during this time. You're all so amazing and talented and deserve all the support in the world. I hope you know that.
#i personally dont see any point rb'ing this since its just a stranger venting on the internet#ty to those who have been patient thus far...seeing your tags and reblogs sometimes....it really does make my day#i never want to gloss over the love and support ive received during this time
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EVERYWHERE I GO I CAN'T AVOID MARTLET SHIPS. /NEG
#ok I'm more chill with Martlet x Moray#bit more flexible with that one#but i REALLY hate Martlet x Ceroba#and i really don't understand why people ship it in the first place#other than to meet their lesbian quota or something#/lh#Martlet literally calls Chujin her father figure and Ceroba is the wife of that father figure#Chujin and Ceroba are older than Martlet#and this is why i don't like Starlo x Martlet either very much HFGDFEH#aside from that i just can't see them romantically either#like i said the other day i wish people didn't immediately jump to ships#there's a lot of interesting friendships and dynamics you could delve into here#ANYWAY. point of todays Sock Stresses post is that It Makes Me So Uncomfortable.#and I can't really avoid it anywhere#why does nobody realize the weird implications 😭#but i digress I can't stop people from doing these things#sometimes it be that way#just going to sit in my corner and do my own thing LOL#sock talk
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one of the things that makes wolf 359's characterization work so well and feel so genuine is how much it's about perspective. maxwell is a manipulative backstabber in hera's story, a "gift of a friend" in jacobi's, and - from their subjective perspectives - both of them are right about her. i love eiffel, and i'm completely on his side, but... if you were kate garcia and your ex you had a toxic relationship with, a man you had to tolerate in your life because you had a child with him, who - after you were awarded full custody - attempted to kidnap your daughter, and got in an accident that left her disabled... if you thought that man was serving 26 years in prison for what he did, and then you thought he was dead, and then he showed up alive - walking free - and wanted to make amends...? would you want to hear him out? eiffel has suffered so much, and he became a better person in a way carceral punishment would never have done, but from kate's perspective, it must seem like he has never had to face consequences for anything. and that's... complicated, but it's real.
#wolf 359#w359#he is both the luckiest and unluckiest man in the world#like. eiffel is who he is to me because of who he is to hera and minkowski and lovelace#and he is that person. he's a person i love. i sincerely believe i would also love eiffel if i knew him irl.#but it's understandable. people can see such different sides of each other and the way wolf 359. understands that and acknowledges#all of those connections... yeah.#i really want eiffel to have a relationship with his daughter some day. he wants that and he'll never stop wanting that#and i care about him so i want that for him#but it's up to her. if she decides not to then. it's entirely her right.#and needless to say but. i think eiffel and kate. probably bring out the worst in each other#and it's such a weird situation to think. how people close to eiffel who don't know that version of him at all#would respond to how she sees him.#... i honestly think hera probably hates her and it's completely unjustified but it's the kind of person she is.#she judges everyone from an extremely close personal perspective and i think she does have kind of a. My People vs Other People mentality#which makes sense given how she's had to protect herself but also. she's just petty and spiteful and defensive sometimes. anyway.
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One thing they don't tell you about the Senshi tulpa that WILL inevitably manifest in your mind to tell you to eat better is that. Every time I make myself a coffee via kuerig instantly, I can hear him. Lamenting the fact that I have become so accustomed to convenience and ease that even a standard coffee machine has become foreign to me. I am thinking about how to make coffee without use of a machine in the first place, I am wondering where my french press went, I can see him. In my mind. Showing me how to make coffee in The Dungeon. Dungeon Coffee.
#dungeon meshi#i'll allow this one to be set free into the wild. i think the world needs to know.#i really love senshi's character too how like. it's easy to feel guilty too if you aren't doing something 'the right way'#and despite him being very set in his ways he manages to alleviate that specific guilt#just by being senshi about it. i have never wanted to learn how to cook. too much work/too many steps#i like instant/ease bc that means i can devote myself completely to the things i AM passionate about#but senshi will manifest in your mind to tell you. you need nourishment to do that#he is just as passionate and detailed about it as i am my art. all i ever want to do is art. esp traditional art#which i think almost feels similar. to magic (digital) vs non-magic (traditional mediums)#each takes a very specific set of skills. one 'feels' easier than the other but a lot Does go into it (digital)#and there is an ease of access esp sharing wise. but i am autistic about the medium itself#yes sometimes i have to wait a day to even share my stuff cause the sun went down#yes there's less ways you can take shortcuts. you have to do Everything by hand#but that's what i love about it. espppp blending my pencils.#but going back i do not have that same level of interest (not even NEARLY) for anything that Isn't related to art#it's like. i really don't WANT to .... but senshi ...... makes me think about it.#senshi
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my take on the agnes/gertrude/elias situationship is that gertrude seems like the most normal one to outsiders (she's less prone to arson/creepy mind reading at inopportune moments), but she is still the archivist and therefore kind of eldritch. everyone in the institute has just sort of accepted that yes, the archivist does sleep with her eyes open/is muttering incantations, and it's the least weird thing she's done this week
ok the funny thing is, technically, if by "most normal" we're going off of who is the most human, Gertrude is the normal one. but I don't believe for a second that that's how she's perceived among the rest of the archive staff lmao. like...all her assistants wind up dead, she actively works to make sure her filing system is the least effective one possible, she takes random mysterious vacations and comes back looking like she's just gone ten rounds with a tornado...I absolutely think that Gertrude has the reputation of being the eccentric on staff. I've prepared this diagram to illustrate my point:
#asks#tma#my art#thanks for your ask!! you're absolutely right that there isn't really a 'normal' one out of the three of them lol#'does your elias design have glasses or not lani' the answer to that is that he has glasses if im having trouble#drawing his face without them#my jonah has glasses 100% of the time so uh lets say he was myopic originally and his sight got better when he aligned himself with the eye#so he doesnt NEED them anymore but after wearing them for so long he kinda liked how he looked in them#and sometimes they add something to a look yknow#(i wear glasses and i actually think i look better in them i would miss them if my eyes suddenly were perfect)#so he sometimes still wears them. and if he doesnt feel like it everyone else just assumes hes got contacts in that day#ANYWAY that is irrelevant to the content of this ask. uh i think gertrude being weird and scary and never seeming to do her actual job is a#running joke among archives staff. like they make up potential crazy things gertrude could be doing right now whenever she's late or#on vacation (they could never come up with anything wilder than what she's REALLY doing)
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caller / receiver
#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#ryu ga gotoku 7#yakuza series#yakuza 7#yakuza like a dragon#arasawa#not really but thats just how im tagging these posts now LOL#snap sketches#aka This Is The Timeline Where Jo Does Hangout With Aoki In America For The 3-4 Years Hes There#either that or this could just be the period waiting for aoki to recover from his lung surgery idk take your pick of timeline fuckery#*forgets the fact he'd probably answer in english if hes in america* ignore that. we will let my attention-to-detail fumble slide this ONCE#anyway HIIIIIIIII thought of this. DAYS ago#heh see i made it b/w to parallel that comic i did of masato calling jo <- lying (im lazy today)#i like the b/w look sometimes theres just effects you can only get with a monotone pallet..#this do be mid a bit but thats ok i just wanted the idea out in the open#i'll make something better next time#i feel like i said that last time.. UH OH#ok bye
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911 Lone Star | Paul Strickland
↳ 4.10 Sellouts
#911 lone star#911lsedit#paul strickland#tw: flashing lights#tw: blood#I barely have time to make gifs these days but you know I'm still gonna try to deliver some paul strickland goodies for the timeline lol#it might be a week late but it'll be there#i need more paul in my life and so does everyone else#I really need to figure out an exact way of captioning these and stick to it cause I feel like every set I format that differently#does it matter? no. do I think about stupid shit like that sometimes? yep.#mateo chavez#judd ryder#marjan marwani#my gifs#episode: s04e10 sellouts
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Handplates and haircut and more Handplates after that (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Sans#Phases of reading Handplates: Haircut edition#Lol#Started rereading before the haircut and finished after!#It took about four days - same as my original run on reading Vargas! Huh - which was only one over my projection#I say ''about'' because I did take a fifth day and catch up on all the solo Handplates images as well#All the ones in the main gallery were read along with the main comics tho lol they're important context!#Really I just couldn't read Gaster's ''tear a paper perfectly in half'' without the followup lol#I am planning a full reread sometime in the future but probably not for a while lol - need to simmer#But I know there's even more context than just the DA galleries! Like the QnAs!! Wanna read Everything in order lol#But for now I'm just happy to have finally read the whole main comic (and all the solo pieces on DA lol)#It really is a beautiful piece of work ♥ More context is not the only reason I want to reread!#I have a few things in my notes I wrote for my future self to look out for on rereads lol#Want to study more! Look at the visual language ♥ There's just so many lovely things#Oh yeah! Does anyone remember my tears rating system? X/5 💧?#Well Handplates scores at 💧💧💧💧! :D A very good crying score!#Several scenes that reliably make me cry <3 Yes I have gone back and cried multiple times to them lol#It's important data! <Said not at all similarly to any particular scientist at all (lol)#I did actually find myself empathizing with Gaster wanting to study Papyrus' and Sans' glitch abilities - and thinking about intent to harm#The data collection isn't the problem it's all the everything about how and why he was collecting the data in the first place#Being someone who also collects data as a way to make sense of and not be overwhelmed by - well anything and everything lol#Sans calling him out was really interesting to me! Obviously he deserves to be called out lol but That Particular Action wasn't The Problem#Now if he could just use his coping mechanism in a positive helpful way lol#Anyway lol the images in the post that I'm rambling on pfft - as I mentioned I broke out my colour cube :)#Both of them but I've only really been playing with my 2x2 - I reviewed my notes and remembered!#The haircut really does feel nice ahh <3 I just feel more me in short hair :)#And I really did hurt my hand from drawing too much lol I guess three full pages in one day was asking a lot
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also no more outing myself directly to my friends, you will find out about pronoun and name change through the wonders of instagram stories where you talk abt yourself /hj
#I mean ... I love my friends I really do. but they're cis and ... idk sometimes you can tell#like not transphobic (obviously otherwise they wouldnt be my friends) but just ... cis#never had any doubts about their gender identity. they feel perfectly fine in this little label and never had any doubts#and that is great for them!! Genuinely!! but I also know that none of my gender feelings will make sense to them#I have tried trust me. they are supportive but also ... just confused and lost#bringing the questioning up to them feels like they expect you to have an answer or to help you discover the answer with simple quetsions#that you yourself had asked yourself a thousand times with no clear answer and they somehow expect it to work this time#I know they mean well!! I love that they're trying but also ... it usually just ends up making me feel frustrated and them slightly frustra#frustrated bcs it feels like I am being uncooperative when all they are trying to do is help#so yeah idk how to bring it up#bcs Idk what I am#I just know I don't like being refered to as a girl#I am either indifferent by it as in 'not really but also not really NOT so I guess that works fine' or 'I mentally recoiled'#which is ... not really clear#I might be vaguely ''girl shaped'' on some days#and on some days I am not#but that does not really explain what I am does it#am I male? idk I feel like maybe sometimes I am vaguely ''male shaped'' more so than girl shaped atm I think#but in the end it's always something else entirely I think. it might briefly resemble it but never for long and never entirely#yes I have been debating if 15 y/o me had it all down when they said 'biromantic-asexual genderfluid'#bcs ... yeah I've come to notice ace was actually pretty correct I am definitely somewhere on that spectrum#I am ... very unhorny and genuinely came to realize I do not find people 'hot'. I find them aesthetically nice to look at and that's it#bi ... yeah I had a few phases of doubts but by now I really can't deny that anymore#so 15 y/o me MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN RIGHT ABT IT ALL#but I am not sure yet#and until I'm sure I'll ... just not say anything bcs I know it'll just end with confusion and awkwardness
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it's fun to look back on old designs sometimes ^^ esp when it's the same character
i'm certainly putting a lot more thought into them now. and details XD
also, toxic old men yaoi
#i sooo wanna gush about new designs but 😔 i still have stuff in need of designing#i swear guys uncanny valley babyfaced bing makes sense. i swear it does i just. can't show it now shfadjkfhasjkf#big sabbat post coming on AU blog sometime...in the future XP#okay i'm hoping it won't take super long#also i really need to finish that silly music video for tord's theme#WHY SO LITTLE TIME IN A DAY I NEED 400 HOURS TO FINISH ALL MY SHIT
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As a fellow Dovewing lover, it's frustrating how the fandom watered her down into a whiny brat who never cared about Ivypool. I mean, seriously? Not only did Dovewing care about her sister (reacting in horror when Lionblaze, her own mentor and Jayfeather are willing to potentially sacrifice Ivypool's safety by employing her as her spy instead of trying to get her out of the Dark Forest's clutches, hiding a thorn in her nest to cover for her scarring from her training).
Heck, even the scene where she tries to feed Ivypool her catch during a hunting patrol was demonized because 'she was trying to make Ivypool break the code like SHE does, as if it doesn't matter' and because she got upset when Ivypool started arguing with her! But you guys said she didn't care, right? Plus, people act like being forced into a prophecy is something you should be grateful for, as if it didn't irreparably change her close relationship with her sister? As if Lionblaze and Jayfeather didn't still keep her out of the loop (and for all the fussing they made about keeping it a secret, Lionblaze confesses his power to Cinderheart and Jayfeather doesn't even care).
Meanwhile Nightheart is angry he isn't orange and hates his mom for being exiled and the whole world has to stop for him. 🤪 And Bramblestar is simply so tortured by having an evil father, the only choice is to train with him and his evil half-brother and hide this from his wife! (But remember, it's bad when that witch Squirrelflight hides the parentage of the three from him, even when Blackstar and Leopardstar were still around after being complicit in the torture and killing of halfclan cats.) Why are these male characters sympathized with, even when they actively harm people (Nightheart forcing himself into Sunbeam's life by lying to everyone about being her mate without even asking her if she would be fine with that beforehand), Bramblestar (we all know what he does), but when Dovewing or any other female character is upset, people freak out and call them whiny brats or abusive for (checks notes) asking her partner if he loves her anymore after they argued multiple times in a book. Really makes you think! (Sorry this is so long, you just have based opinions!)
dovewing being characterized as this flighty airheaded vain popular girl stereotype in fanon is like. one of those biggest "we didnt actually read the books" things in the fandom. like theres so much fanart where shes grinning and giggling over the prophecy and shes besties with the trio and shes got preferential treatment, and then in the actual books shes basically the autistic kid no one actually likes. people really, REALLY overexaggerate that one scene where she snaps at ivypaw and brags. (and i dont wanna shit on amvs but i am forever side eying how the animation community handled dove back in the day. more than one person animated her getting murdered. normal.)
i do think its gotten better recently at least. but wow does it feel like at least one person on the writing team has a bone to pick
(also awww thank you <3 no need to be sorry i love getting stuff in my inbox)
#it does also feel so insidious to me just how long the bramblesquirrel conflict was painted as ''equally kind of wrong''#the ppl who put words in squilfs mouth sometimes which. btw ill get to that when i read the book#and tbf part of it is that sometimes abuse isnt as easy to spot if youre primed to the mainstream version of it#like. bramble isnt a born evil wifebeater everyone can see coming from a mile away. hes a complex guy with his own insecurities#and his own goals and people he openly cares about. and even in some fanon stuff i see ppl kinda erase that part of him#(which i wont pretend im above- ive been trying to walk that line myself)#and that doesnt match how abusers are usually percieved by the public. or in this very series.#like. the main excuse for clear sky is literally ''hes sad his sister died and tried to save her! no one changes THAT much''#anyone can be an abuser. you could be an abuser. i could be an abuser. that doesnt mean that we ARE but we are capable of it#and the thing that catches ppl off guard is that abusers are really good at hiding who they are and theyre often charming#i often hear this account of abuse that goes something like ''my parent abused me but no one believed me bc theyre nice in public''#you dont know whats going on behind closed doors. and ik this is about funny kitties at the end of the day but its quite telling#so... yeah bramble has his nice moments. hes got his GREAT moments even. i love his relationship with his mom for example#but those moments dont mean that hes not capable of being worse. of being a monster to his loved ones#its why squilf keeps getting sucked back in. hes not a one dimensional asshole. hes capable of being kind to her.#and thats what makes his disgusting moments hit so much harder#wow ok i got off topic in the tags but yknow. idk i got feelings abt this matter as someone who's experienced toxic relationships
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been doing some internal questioning that boils down to “is it the auADHD or i am plural in some way???”
and i’m. not sure if i want to know the answer. at least not yet.
#ensiger#possibly plural#this post is brought to you by a monoconscious culture post that hit a lot harder than i thought it would#'wait how long have i been me. when did i stop being the other guy'#also a lot of the Dragonheart Collective's essay points in Dissociation. & internal thought voice.#the only point in Identity disturbances that really hit was -#Feeling like you weren't born in that body & that you simply appeared one day inside of it.#like. i sometimes feel like ''I'' is more than one internally.#like i'm One Person in the way a cartoon character can be animated/storyboarded by multiple artists.#does that make sense as like?? a plural thing???#or is that just the depersonalization & bees in my brain??#also that like. the 'current me' stepped into my body & 'replaced' whoever used to be here. i have (most) of my memories & shit but just.#i'm not totally sure if this is a 'i have grown and changed since i was a child' or 'i'm a different person in every sense of the word.'#i kind of stewed on this questioning a couple years(?) ago when i was first learning about multiplicity. but nothing ever really came of it#bc digging further into it didn't feel useful. all the stuff i was reading didn't feel like it was lining up with what's going on in here#i've recently been doing some reading on monoconscious & median systems but.#i don't want to act on anything until i Know. or at least until i Know More.#also i'm about 90% sure my kintypes are not headmates/alters/etc. they feel like / similar to my gender & not. ''extra Me's'' so to speak
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in general, sometimes i really wonder what sort of impression i make on this place
#some told me (ily muach) but this sort of question do appear sometimes#like i know my personality and such#but like writing wise#and like from things i do here i really wonder how people see me#probably because im also new here and a bit tmi but this is like the most active i have been in socmed after quite a l o n g while#everyone here has been nothing but kind to me tho ily everyone#im glad im here hahaha#maybe one day i will talk about how happy i am whenever i talk to someone here#as a shy person it really means a lot to me haha#okay this is getting embarassing but yeah that question does exist#babblings#it's been 3 work days right so yeah let me be noisy this once again#or maybe i should make another blog that i treat like a priv acc and i dump everything there#hey thats a good idea actually#there are many things i want to say but all in all im really happy to be here. thank you everyone#i am still learning on how to express it and about interaction all in all as i am still as much of as a grandma as when i first start#but there is that. ily everyone#just putting this out here for a bit haha. might as well
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STAN HAS THAT K CHOKER RIGHT? DOES THAT MEAN KYLE HAS AN S NECKLACE? like he could totally stack his s necklace with his star of david one
aaaaaaaaa
you know i love a lil matchy-matchy moment~
and actually, i accumulated a lot of different asks actually, mostly, interestingly enough asking me about the same roundabout thing: if jersey wears rings, how he feels about jewelry, if he has any tattoos or other piercings, stuff of the like, etc.
but i never got around to answering those because i'm kind of a perfectionist and i get all worked up in my head about how i'm going to answer things because i want them to be perfect ( i keep trying to structure nsfw ask like it's a nine page research essay, smh ) buuut
basically, as we all know well, jersey is…Particular.
particularly abt himself and what is done to him/on him.
( okay, fair warning: the rest of this answer is very long and i just talk a lot about the former question about jersey/his attachments to material things and also physical-emotional things — people — you do not have to read all that...the short answer is yes, kyle does stack a stan 's' necklace with the star of david, i talk about it more at the end, but this intro part is a lot of exposition and information. so if your curiosity does not end there...perhaps i can further it below xx )
a lot of it ties into his ocd and this need to control every aspect of his life, not being able to put it in anyone elses hands but his own because he's scared of that improbability...that margin of error.
it keeps him up at night.
for that reason, even though he has a ton of health issues, diabetes, etc. he is extremely Defiant and Volatile in doctors offices. like, he will start throwing shit, rip ivs out of his arms, ask you to explain what you are giving him In Detail and will probably still refuse to take it.
tbh, the only reason he's taking any medication at all is because he really loves sheila and she is extremely worried about losing him </3
( jersey is a mommas boy, i said what i said! )
but he takes his own blood sugar, pricks his own fingers, runs all his own tests...he really does not trust anyone else w/ that kind of thing. which ties into piercings because he does...think that they're…lowkey, highkey *jersey vc* Hawt, i’m sorry; it's true.
i do think it's his...Thing.
the man really just wants a little hot topic emo boy accessory display for a boyfriend and he is right for that. cute, shiny, edgy. i respect it.
eye candy, arm candy, if you will?
( jersey is extremely partial to candy, ofc <3 )
and idk, maybe it's just a me thing, but to me, jerseykyle, specifically, is very conceptual and is intrigued by fashion and stuff, but because when he was overweight growing up, he was sort of just shoe-horned into all this oblong, ugly clothing, whatever would fit or they could afford. so he never really got to be able to wear things he wanted to, until about right now and it's been really liberating for him? idk? aaa
i love sleek, chic, dark academia, tired 1940s evil classics professor, thrift store couture jersey in his dollar store blazers and italian loafers. like my man is an off duty model, forreal. i am obsessed with him.
and actually he really Likes tattoos and piercings and dyed hair and thinks all the little rings are cool because you're like this living art form, this distinct individual, there's a uniqueness, a cool rebellion there he can’t create have within himself, so he combats/masks it as disgust and disinterest because he doesn't like to process his complicated feelings and also doesn't like forming attachments...especially...
...to things he's inexplicably Drawn to.
which is why, initially, upon even just bearing witness to raven of crimson dawn, kyle freaked out because he was like immediately Extremely Attracted to him because he checks all these little boxes in his brain, but his brain, of course, is corroded by mental illness and trauma, so he immediately projects extreme amounts of hostility in raven's direction because he is like you're all chaos and disorder, you're a mess, you throw caution to the wind, You’re Unpredictable.
when he’s actually obsessed w/ that capricious energy?
like he makes fun of stan for all his punk rock boy 'hood ornaments' and 'anarchical embellishments', but his heart starts racing every time stan winks at him and his little eyebrow piecing winks back, or he runs his tongue over that lip ring kyle got hyperfixated on, partially because it's pretty, which...rip, not even joking…
if stan comes out in the support rock, fuck a rockstar tank top, the tiny pants and sports that little lip ring chain thing that connects to the cuff on his ear...it does something seriously ( down ) bad to kyle's brain and stan is immediately getting Railed. soz if you were waiting for stan's autograph, hes gettin ky's all over his body. woops.
but!!! it's mostly bc stan had the courage and hedonism to put something through his lip and live with it. that he could get other piercings, get tattoos, let people handle him, put his life into someone else's hands, let them have control for a second, knowing they are executing the thing you want/need without you doing it...
it's literally All a control thing.
or rather, an inability to lose it.
because he's very particular, yeah, about what he likes and doesn't like, he won't wear any fabrics that itch or bother him, he won't buy something if the hem pisses him off, if he has to wear something he doesn't like, he will bitch and moan the entire day about it. and while it's good to have that level of self-assuredness, it's also kind of a self-preservation and self destructive coping mechanism for jerseykyle.
because he pushes everything out...
but doesn't let anything else in.
and a lot of that changes when raven/stan comes back into the picture, because when they were growing up, stan was this beautiful, glowing fixture of nonconformity, this pillar of strength that was twice as strong as he was, even though kyle was the fighter. because stan fought for self-acceptance and kyle fought for self-loathing.
and really...the reason why his ed developed in the first place was because gerald and society as a whole brainwashed him into hating himself and that people would only digest him if he was in small enough, beautiful, palatable enough pieces to eat so even though he acts out or throws punches: It’s All Within The Lines.
or the confines, rather.
of the person he thinks people want him to be.
but, idk, i'm talking too much. basically, gist is, kyle has a hard time handing over control to other people/being vulnerable and the final piece to that is...permanence.
a piercing...a tattoo...is Permanent.
i mean, sure, they close up and you can get them removed, but you are irreconcilably changed and altered. you are different now.
anddddd sigh, the jersey can't say i love you ask strikes again! because jersey can't say i love you because it's handing over control, because it's vulnerable because it's...permanent and he has extremely deep-seated commitment issues because of all of that.
which means he rarely, if ever, makes said commitments.
so when he Does...
it's a very special thing indeed.
because jersey has no tattoos or piercings on his body.
save for the sun/moon one he got on his ring finger for stan ( i can never decide if i want jersey to have the sun tattoo because he is the sun or if he has the moon one so he can wear rae around with him )
*** ( i also think it's possible he might get little hebrew things for his mom or idk, something very important later...i'll think about it more )
and...One ear piercing.
i was going to go at this in more comical and dramatic way in an old post, but basically, i think kenny/bebe/craig someone basically joked about there being reduced earring piercings at claire's and they should take kyle because he's the only one without pierced ears and jersey gets really defensive about it and everyone's like ooooh! kyle's scared to get his ears pierced, so the competitive and aggressive side of him that hates to lose briefly outweighs the neurotic side and is like "fuck you!!! let's go right now! i'm not scared of anything!"
and he gets there, stan's with him, and he is...freaking out in the little plastic chair with some eight year old girl next to him ecstatically getting her ears pierced for her birthday, bc he's going to have to let someone...do something to him/inflict something on him.
( which actually, i think, is what is really beautiful about j.k and r.s' relationship and dynamic, is that jersey teaches raven that you can't just let people do things you don't want them to do to you just because you feel like you should ft. his sexual trauma and stan teaches kyle that it is okay to let other people in, to do reckless things, to allow yourself to feel and enjoy simple pleasures w/o fear. ft. his ocd
lmao, is there a branch in my eye again? y is it Watering )
and ravenstan is like, mi amor, they are just your ears, you will be okay, i will hold your hand…
everything will be fine, i swear. :’) <3
and he gets hyped up, ready to go, the 16 y/o piercing his ears tells him she'll count to three and pierce on one.
...and she pierces on Three.
i'm not sure if it's bc she pressed too soon or because she thought that if she surprised him, it might make him less nervous, but it does not!!!! kyle FREAKS out!!!! his ocd goes haywire and basically has a nervous breakdown at freaking /claires/ bc she pierced his ear before she SAID she would and destroys the confidence that he built up to let himself be vulnerable.
it seems like a Silly thing...but i think it says a lot, yknow?
and though it was a serious blow to his ego, kyle only has...one ear pierced because he panicked and could not get the second one done. and it, to this day, is one of the only asymmetrical things abt him. which, i actually think is important to him coping w/ his ocd
( similar to how kyle, sorry slight nsfw, having stan have to ask for things if he wants them, helps him, in a seemingly innocuous way, build confidence in himself/not let things just 'happen' to him without his consent ) because having only one ear pierced means he has to deal with being lopsided and that, everyday the earth doesn't crash into the sun...means that he's okay.
also a cute thing about the one ear piercing is that i think kyle wears like this cute little gold sun dangly one that has a similar ambiance to the sun and moon glasses chain charms? it's his signature.
and other than showering, sleeping, etc. he only really ever takes it out when raven is going off somewhere far away :( and he switches it with a little stan silver earring ( idk kyle feels very gold jewelry bc of his orange hair and stan feels v silver bc of his blue eyes and stuff ) and stan sometimes takes kyle's with him on tour...AAAAA i'm sad
on the subject of rings, since someone else asked me, kyle does not wear rings even though he does like them/they're pretty because they're heavy, they clank against his pen when he's writing, the sound pisses him off...but he wears stan's lil silver emo boy rings when he's away and gaslit himself into liking the sound because the sound it makes against his pen reminds him of the sound it makes when stan is excitedly scribbling song lyrics and singing to him aaaaa IM :(
WHERE WAS I GOING WITH THIS AGAIN?
oh, yeah.
extreme mental illness.
so jersey never makes adjustments or accommodations for anyone, and when he does it's a big deal...but really...
it's because Stan is a big deal to him.
stan is EVERYTHING to him.
and kyle thinks it's cute that at every show and every concert, stan always wears the little spicy k charm on his emo boy choker ( and got the little even spicier inner thigh tattoo w kyle's name on it...anyways )
so, he starts wearing a little s around his neck for stan.
which, initially, i'm sure you're like...oh God.
jersey making an adjustment to his very specific cartoon character outfit alignment of things he wears every day, things he wears at home, things he wears specifically when going out depending on the environment...this sounds like a recipe for disaster. this is a big change for him. he's gonna spin out or short circuit his brain.
but...really? it feels as easy as Breathing.
because for one of the first times in his life, kyle got something that he didn't just get for him, w/ selfish intentions or bc he needs to be in control...he got it...
to make stan happy. :)
and it does make him very, Very happy, indeed.
which is really funny to me because jersey is super annoying and just starts wearing it and pretends like he doesn't know what's going on bc he's bad at ~gestures~. so stan comes home, sees it and immediately is like *big stan eyes* 'what are you wearing??'
and kyle is like, ‘oh, this? i've had it forever, it's was just in the back of the closet. why? is it wrinkled or—‘ and stan is like 'no, dummy. the NECKLACE' and kyle, playing dumb, trying to act nonchalant because he's kind of embarrassed abt having emotions is like 'oh, that. y'know. just something i'm trying out...' and stan is like
'kyle broflovski, are you wearing a necklace with my initial on it????' and kyle is like 'alright, woah there, mr. celebrity. but not eeeeverything is about you, okay? that s could stand for anything.'
and stan is like *genuine heart eyes wowza because kyle is being annoying but stan loves dumb annoying kyle that's why he wears his lil possessive emo boy k charm on his choker everywhere* 'okay, well the k on mine stands for kiss me or kiss me kyle or whatever you want just, come and kiss me please' kshdlkshd <333 eWW
anyways...they're Gay. they're in love. they having matching tattoos and earrings and wear eachother's intials around their neck. nbd.
but...in a very longwinded format, i hope this answers your question baby and hopefully some other questions you have abt jersey. i'm sorry that was a lot but i literally could talk about jersey forever, like he is so fascinating and bc he's our narrator and he's such an unreliable one, it's hard to understand how his brain works.
hope this helps. <3
uncle nina, keeper of the cryptid jersey whore-lore
#okay i am sorry#i know this barely answers your question#but i got a lot of similar questions#and i wanted to answer them in one big ask while i was feeling inspired so here is a bunch of jersey trauma lore#i hope it's fascinating i find it all super fascinating#because he presents like this perfectly in control orderly well maintained militant self-satisfying self gratified thing#but it's just a front for the fact that he's scared of change and is scared of not being in control or making mistakes#like he is put together but a breath away from falling apart#stan teaches him to sit down kyle teaches him to stand up#also sorry kyle having a fascination with edgy boy things and piercings and stuff in particular is kinda spicy to me#i luv him like he really is like that man is a satanic abomination and i want to do terrible horrible depraved things to him#like he really saw raven of crimson dawn and was like oy gevault i have never wanted to cut my lip open on anything#more than on that mans lip ring holy hell oh my god he is so shiny and ripped up and his makeup is so cool#he is a celebrity he has no original thought he doesnt think abt anything thats why he has all those tattoos and piercings#but also y do i want to trace my fingers down them every time i look at him he reveals himself more to me i want to learn more#kinsey scale gay 6 jerseykyle everyone but specifically for dramatic crybaby bisexual punk rock boys w/ piercings#which...i think is incredible bc i do not think people would expect that from kyle...but people also thinks he cannot feel#BUT HIM ADJUSTING HIS WELL REGIMENTED LIFE TO INCOPORATE STAN INTO IT I WANT TO SCREAM#HIM LEARNING TO LET OTHER PEOPLE DO STUFF FOR HIM AND BE OKAY WITH THEM HELPING HIM#I WANT TO START FUCKING SCREAMING I COULD TALK ABOUT THIS ALL DAY I LOVE JERSEYS CHAR DEV#ok final thot is he does sometimes do a gold jewelry ring moment or somethin if he's feeling like its important to the look#but they are very insignificant things for aesthetics easily taken off or removed...its the important stuff he has trouble w#and makes it all the more rewarding i think <3#ily jers#okay last last small thing as far as like getting little piercings and random fun tattoos goes i just think he doesnt want any#boring king ik minus the ocd and stuff he just likes all his stuff to be very a-line and crisp doesnt like massive statements#like my man Is the statement like he has beautiful luxiourous curly red hair and green eyes and his nose a modern art piece#its too busy for him its distracting and u know thats what u have a hot rockstar bf for so u can pretend 2 read ur book#but the plot of the book is tracing ur sbfs sexc hip tattoos and helping him decide what belly button ring hes gonna wear#you know!!! The Plot!!! which kyles eidetic mem comes back but he does get distracted looking at stan a lot help
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