#it cant help that i just cant talk i cant fucking talk or explain things in a good way
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#csa warning for tags#ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh#completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i#also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad#like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man#was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to#'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background#all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or#whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important#i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting#that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently#wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all.#and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head#like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have#to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it.#bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit#i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus#an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually#harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all#bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid.#and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is#but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core.#i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways#rambles#vent
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#I'm literally never going to own a home of my own#I'm going to live and die in the same house as my parents and I'm never going to have my own space to call my own#to make my own or to spread out and have my own space#People wonder why I don't feel like a fucking adult#and I can tell them plain as day that it's because I live at home with no job and all I do all day is draw read and look at fucking#fictional shit all day#sure I work on the property but so fucking what#I'm still just wasting away at home with no life no friends nothing to do#I dont want to volunteer anywhere because it's only hard labor shit and I cant physically do those things#and the only other volunteer shit around me is church stuff and I will NOT be helping any churches anywhere fucking ever for anyone#idk#I try to meet people and I have nothing to talk about#everyone else seems to be having their own lives with shit going on and multiple social circles and here I am unable to even string togethe#more than two sentences because it usually only takes that long to get to “so what do you do?” and I have to figure out a way to explain#that I'm living at home with no job no friends and no life in a way that doesn't look fucking pathetic as fuck#I'm not well educated so I just fall behind in most conversation#I can't contribute so whats the fucking point#The only people I have to talk to are my parents because what else am I gonna do? I can't keep complaining to you guys all the time#not like it's going to change anything#if anything it will just make people avoid me more for always being a fucking downer all the time#my parents vaguely get my frustration but they can't do anything#not like we have money or connections of any kind so there's no 'setting me up' with other people my age#honestly I just wish the fucking internet would go away#maybe then more people would get out of their houses and go outside and meet people#idk i'm just fucking done with everything#I'm so numb and so tired and so lonely and I don't know what it is I want because every time I meet someone knew it's like I can't get clos#I don't feel ready for a relationship but I also feel like I'm fucking wasting away alone by myself and I really crave closeness#but I'm also not a dating person#I'm not here to waste another 5 years to someone just fucking around#i want a life time relationship
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stayed up til 3 when I have an 8am again. I do this because I hate myself so sos sososososososososo much. It's really funny because I don;t fall asleep in class thanks to my meds but I've noticed every time I go to class after 4 hrs sleep people act weird around me which is how I know im acting really weird. And I am so extremely angry at myself. I spent 4 hours. well 8 hours. Well all day. Pretending I'm going to do homework and distracting myself with various other things on my laptop or crying on the phone to my parents. Got zerooooo work done at all i stayed up most of the nihght for literally no gain whatsoever this is pure self harm. Which I do becauase again I hate myself. Because I didn't do my work. Which i won't do tomorrow either because i'll be so tired I wont be able to string a sentence together even though I'm supposed to give a presentation haha. My favorite activity is staring at the clock on my laptop getting later and later and later. new high score etc. Who's a hypersomniac now. Imagine how much easier this semester would have been if I'd gone to bed before 2am ever. I'm so fucking angry at myself I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep now even. If I fail my classes again my parents are gonna make me live at home forever and say im too crazy to live on my own. I know I was supposed to get a therapist but I hate them all so, so, so much. I think people get that job bc they feel powerful telling some pathetic person what to do knowing I literally cannot do it and will come back week after week admittingn failure and paying
I know I was supposed to take the new experimental FDA approved drug for IH but the list of side effects is fucking terrifying and I live and sleep alone so i really don't want to take a super powerful sedative that can make you stop breathing. So I'm gonna keep taking stimualnts and lying to myself that today is the last day I stay up extremely late for no reason.
#it's really sad I'll skip the meds sometimes to try to sleep and it doesn't even help. I just feel worse while awake.#The real reason i can't sleep is because im screwing myself over by doing no work and im terrified im going to fail my fucking classes#and theyre all going to say im crazy if I fail my classes. theyre going to say im crazy and I self sabotaged on purpose#bc i dont want to succeed. Dad says that every day#Dad loves telling me everytjhing wrong with me multiple times a day every day so i never ever forget#hes so helpful. He's trying so hard to help. If i dont answer the phone he starts worrying ive committed suicide#again i was suicidal one week in 2019. Get the fuck over it. You've literally threatened to kill yourself multiple times. Fucking hypocrite#a bunch of my friends are going to graduate this semester and best case scenario i graudate next semester and then I'll lose touch with eve#ybody#and then the good times are over and life is boring and hell forever and ill get more disabled every year until I can't work and then I'll#run out of money and die#you know when I talked to my genetics professor about the alzheimer's results he said somethign will kill you eventually and it#wont be that unless you live to old age which will be good!#so true bestie. so ture#Guys lets be real here. Why the fuck. Do we live. why. It is so goddamn hard. Maybe it;s easy when u get sleep . But that hasn't happened t#me for a while#all my classes end next week and i havent done most assignments since spring break#also over spring break my parents met w a lawyer to revise their will adn afterwards dad told me im executor and explained to me what will#happen after each person in my family dies.#the assumption is that I will outlive everyone. they don't think my sister will live to old age adn they are already old#the lawyer apparently has clients with the same disability as me and all of them had the same thing happen. Once they get another disabilit#and get older it becomes impossible to manage IH and they cant work til retirement age#i just spent an hour typing this shit instead of sleeping. 4am-730am sleep lets go. I should kill myself#i hate my parents fucking advicce bc they;; be like well when i was ur age I was married it sure must suck to be single!!!! fuck you guys f
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My theory is that corazón doesn't want law (and children) to be part of the family bc he wants to protect them so he just scares and hits them away
#which is like fucked up way to do it but 🤷🏻♀️#baby 5 hitting law again ahdkaj#the officials aged like milk in like 16 years damn....#so law is someone with money that lost everything kinda like doffy which his father renounced to have everything i get it i get it#oh law had a sister too ooh.....#mr baby or whatever his name is damn.... he was a dapper middle aged man#there are nuns in one piece??? so was there a jesus christ??? do you think he gets compared to ace or thats just me#very funny thay mingo tells giolla not to spread misinformation lmao#law wanting to kill corazón bc everyone else died so its not fair this asshole gets to live.... well...#when the nun said theybwere going to let the kids leave... yeah no....#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 701#jaguar d saul and the nun are the same character kinda#someone out there is going to love you no one is born to be alone/someone out there will help you and be kind to you#also trebol or diamante said that you cant win a fight with force of will and law said that exact thing to luffy....#hes gonna prove them all wrong#oh lmao even doffy and corazon there crucified like their father damn#the father explaining how they will enrich their life not like riches but like in their hearts... heart motif again#okay the father is fucking stupid lmao#yes we just moved from mariejoa and this is my government name#they lasted one (1) day ajdhask#i would hate my dad too if he was that fucking stupid lmao#now my theory is in shambles.... well cora dod protect him by not telling... i guess it mingo made his mind up he wouldn't be able to#make him change his mind#why does cora keep falling over... just a show of his kindness or is it to make the kids laugh..... bc baby 5 laughs and#pranks him with the tea always#YEEEES cora is telling law to run away form doffy bc the tenryuubitos have beef with the D.s.... two theories confirmed in one hell yeah#i need to make my one piece conspiracy board i am serious#episode 702
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the longer I exist online the more I feel like a lot of people think politics are like. awareness fairs. about awareness.
#im mostly talking about how like. 'how is no one talking about this' has become some kind of. badge of morality somehow#like this is really niche internet things and i dont think im explaining it very well but it is annoying#that some people approach bad news as if its some kind of underground band#and that if they are the first person to bring said unknown issue/event to other people's tls then theyre like. somehow inherently more#ethical and aware compared to the person who didnt know#idk. im not explaining this well. its just that it feels like people are shouting BE AWARE !!! at you about an issue you really cant help#with while trying to manage the thirty other trash fires happening around you#and like. all this to say that we should show up for each other as people especially when youre an american like me and ur government is#actively has a hand in most of the world issues rn#but idk... im really confused all the time and trying to keep the whole world in mind while also trying to help out the people in front of#me is hard. and its kinda fucked#im sure ill delete this later i just. needed to speak to the void
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ok.
#wjatevr. i dont care#no actually i do care. its about morishige how can i not care#i saw a very interesting take on why morishige chases yuka (not the tutorial idea. thats also interesting though)#something about how he was protecting her and he was never going to harm her#and i was like huh. maybe i misunderstood because i played the game when i was 11#and then i realized i literally played it last week#i cant help but disagree? yeah he wasnt planning on hurting her. it makes the whole chase scene very funny especially if you get caught#he keeps repeating the same thing and me and my sister joke about it all the time lol#but anyways. i think that even in the manga he wouldnt have hurt her even though he hints at his intent being more malicious than in game#i love this scene because i love hearing people talk about why the fuck he did this#let me talk about the manga instead for a moment actually i think this scene is much funner there#he stops for a moment when yuka stops crying before he breaks into this very obviously malicious grin#like he was EXCITED. the darkening had already startrd to show and its very clear while hes chasing her#the whole time he was just messing with her. he wasnt planning to harm her in the manga either#because he literally catches up to her. and he could've caught up to her multiple times had he not been taking pictures as she ran#all he did when he caught up to her was whisper in her ear. so#yeah. he wasnt going to kill her or injure her like in the anime. but does that mean he had any good intentions?#im not sure how this could be described as him simply helping her#and i could be remembering wrong but doesnt he somewhat explain himself in book of shadows?#i remember him saying something about him just having fun and enjoying how scared she was#so ive always just seen it as him enjoying the rush he got from chasing someone weaker than him#because it was partially the darkening right?#im not one to say that morishige is inherently evil or always had a huge interest in gore or anything. becausw its not true#but i dont want to deface his character by warping his intentions to seem less malicious#i need to get a fucking journal this is getting out of hand#finn.txt
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i really dont get what my problem is!!
#mom: sees me using dental floss and gently tells me i'm using it wrong and shows me how to use it correctly#me: boils with anger internally the whole time she's explaining this and afterwards goes to my room and bursts into tears for no reason#like ofc i didnt show her that i was feeling like that she was only trying to help!!! but i hate when i get like this#literally what the fuck is wrong with me. is this a shame thing is this a disrupted routine thing am i just a huge asshole. what#this is far from the first time something like this has happened. literally why cant i just act like an adult to my very sweet mother!!!!!#okok taking a breather. being gentle & understanding to myself and whatever. i'm fine i'm only human this is not the end of the world etc#but literally what is it about being told that i'm doing stuff wrong and/or being told what to do that makes me feel like#one of those violent stick figures. literally what is it#nowe talks#cw negative#cw vent
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thoseve yall who were here a year ago might remember that a year ago He was liking tweets like "idk how people can cheat when im in love im obsessed😍" and "the honeymoon stage rlly doesnt die if youre with the right person🥰" and he was liking stuff like that up till recently now shit like this is in his likes something is BROKEN in him
#i feel bad. i dont even mean it in a conceited way but i cant help but feel like a bit of this is my fault#hes so bright eyed and ambitious that the idea of him losing any of that idealism is nothing short of a goddamned tragedy im sorry#yes this is the guy who lead me on (unintentionally???) and flirted with me for a year despite seeing TWO people during that time#the latter of which became his girlfriend (who i told Everything to ...)#and like. he never apologized he never explained what was going on or why he acted like a fucking simp for a year#but basically we're not talking now and we're on bad terms and angry at each other#(me because. well yall were there for that . hes angry because i ratted his flirty ass out )#god that all stings so bad i havent talked about the details of what happened to anyone......#but yeah i just. even still after all this time i hope he stays bright eyed. the idea that he wouldnt is heartbreaking in and of itself.#that one crush situation lol#idk if theyre still together. it was early novembet i reached out to his gf and laid the whole thing out for her#& she said theyd 'take it from here' (??????) and was uncomfortable with me and him communicating with the knowledge that THAT ALL happened#even while they were together. i told her i could respect that (even though i wanted to ask her who the FUCK she thought she was. anyways)#and then i reached out to him one last time to clarify i wasnt dredging it up for retaliation or to break them up but bc she genuinely#deserved to know. then he sorta said fuck my feelings and then reiterated what his gf said that we shouldnt be talking anymore#its been radio silence since then from bothve them. if they did break up id feel bad (cause how COULDNT i?) but if they didnt.#that means the only factor that changed here was. well. his 'relationship'/chances of a relationship/flirtationship/friendship with me.#i dunno. im not gonna act like i have all the facts and im not gonna act like he hasnt screwed me over#but getting back to my main point. imagine knowing him and watching him lose his idealism. try not being heartbroken over that.
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i get a therapist (HELL YEAH AWESOME, THIS IS GOOD !)
she tells me to apologize to my mom (HORRIBLE, I AM CONSIDERING MURDER)
#smudgy.txt#.vent#at first i was like yknow what that sounds like a reasonable adult thing to do ! ill do it! :]#then once the call was over i suddenly remembered 1) the details of what happened 2) my mom isnt a reasonable adult#& will most likely not take it in a way that wont trigger me more#i fucking hate when ppls first thought is to believe that the parents are in the right when their kid talks abt some shit that happened#when they dont know the full fucking story#& now im worry if i Try to explain more she either wont believe me#or say i'm too much for her to handle & drop me#& now im spiraling again#& i want to spend the weekend trying to get out of it but that won't be possible bc The World Does Not Stop#so i'm just going to have to deal w this shit all over again#how do i explain to these fuckers that i am a danger to myself BECAUSE of my family & i dont need to Be A Better Child#i need to get the fuck out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i need support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#the only person who seems to understand this is my pcp but she cant do anything abt it bc the system is bullshit + its just not her job#& my sister is offering to help me but im terrified it'll cause even more drama in this family#bc my parents are incapable of handling anything like adults#i feel like im being torn apart in a million directions. i want to rest
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#personal#got into it w the boytoy#so i guess we cant talk anymore#which feels so final#all bc he hates the way i communicate more than anyone else ive ever met in ny life#i thought i was doing pretty good#so its kinda a shock#just came at a really bad time#everything is fracturing#i didnt need this rn#ive tried so hard to explain myself and communicate and be honest and it all just came to bite me in the ass#like yes i know having rsd doesnt absolve me of being shitty sometimes#but in the context of our convo it should shed some light that I CANT HELP IT#and then for him to throw in my face i get all up in my head abt crazy things was unnecessarily rude#like i told him bc i couldnt convince myself i was wrong abt it anymore#just. the complete lack of understanding. shit hurts!!!!#yeah im not gonna win best communicator awards or anything but fuck if i wasnt trying#and then to say he experiences it and knows other people who do. at what point do you admit maybe im worse off than you and anyone you know#god forbid i be mentally ill with a man#either way i sent him another msg this morning bc im dumb and also i dont make life decisions past 10pm#just saying he was holding me accountable for the others w rsd that have hurt him#and how it wasnt fair#and how he changed the way he wanted me to talk when we were arguing#i hate it when all someone sees is what youre not doing as opposed to what you are doing#like asking everytime i thought he was upset w me was MONUMENTAL for me#and all i got was shit on#about a boy
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like I would never go so far as to say its a perfect comic and it certainly does have issues but i Will say is that if you read most other psychologicals you'll see they have the same exact things as ks has but the main "couple" (using that Very liberally) is het. like. a ton of people wanting to read a bl or a mlm story read ks w/o knowing it was psychological so instead of viewing it through the lense of "a genre built on dark themes/topics" they viewed it as "a super fucked up bl" which sill Obviously have different vibes.
it seriously feels weird saying this but I do genuinely believe that if the two mains had been straight then it wouldve gotten Far less backlash than it does now bcs then it would have been viewed exclusively through a psychological lense, yknow?
#IM SORRY IK IVW TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE im sorry for my bad takes and awful opinions but I have so many thoughts about psychological as a#genre and ks actually plays a HUGE role in how its percieved but I cant talk abt ks without explaining my whole defense#it also doesnt help that like. the main ppl that like ks are proshippers who are just rlly into that ig#like nooo no i dont mean them thats weird thats fucked up#ALSO LIKE. again it absolutely has problems and even beyond that I can totally see how ppl#who dont like seeing that sort of thing would abolutely detest the comic as a personal thing#but like in of itself it actually isnt ? that bad
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You know. Maybe it should have been an indicator how this year was gonna go for me when not even an hour in my teacher delivered harrowing news to me and then every fucking good thing that happens now is getting served with a larger course meal of bs.
#yeah yeah its too soon to give up hope but im so tired dude#every step forward i get shots at my feet and i have to take several steps back#it cant help that i just cant talk i cant fucking talk or explain things in a good way#and then everyone starts hating me because i dont talk right enough for them and nobody fucking gets it. nobody understands me. it sucks.#and i keep thinking about it like. wow! maybe its not a joke anymore.#i dont think its a joke anymore. and who do i say anything to? my mom? she laughs at me.#my dad will put me in a hospital or call me just like my mom.#i dont know who i am anymore but i know whoever this is isnt enough#and people hate that version of me that i liked and now i dont know how to act anymore#i feel like if i step too far ill get shot#i just want to be wanted man#i wish i could be like phthalo.#people want him you know? he’s like the people’s person. everyones favorite little guy.#he’s friendly and silly and confident and sweet and he’s everything i’m not and yet hes so nice to me#hes the reason im still alive
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It makes me fucking insane how grad programs are like oh did you not go immediately into a masters? Well you better have a good reason why or we might not think you deserve to get one bc you're not committed 🤭 omg you didn't cure cancer or solve world inequality before applying? Don't even look in our direction 🤮 it's so great you want to further your education it would really be a shame if we made it as hard as possible 👉👈
#you read the shit they want and its like okay guess i should kms would that be enough for you😭#also omg i fr need the whole 3 references needed thing explained bc a lot of people do higher education later in life#for one reason or another and i KNOW professors dont remember people past like. a year so 🤨 what then#also sorry sorry but stuff like that grinds my gears bc some of us keep our heads down and mind or business#we dont network and the whole 'you should do it for your future' idea leaves such a bad taste in my mouth bc it feels exploitative#but like sorry i suffer from crippling shyness and speaking to my professors made me feel like i should have been shot 👍#higher education is so fucked bc they make you jump through so many hoops and like. mf i am still paying you for this#do you want money or not???? like a phd program i get but you pay tuition for a masters.........#anyway. i dont think ill end up bothering bc reading requirements today made me almost cry out of frustration so👍👍👍👍#anyone else feel like everyone else is miles ahead of them and that theyre just floundering😁 woefully underprepared and#underqualified for life and suffering the consequences of being terrified to speak to people in college 👍#and also simultaneously numb to and unable to handle rejection 👍#like i could find non college courses just for personal betterment but even thinking about it fills me with hashtag shame#and it doesnt help that no matter what i do if it isnt smth exactly in line with my parents thinking theyre so judgy about it 😔#and i cant even talk to them about how i feel bc one thing about them they will make me feel sooooo much worse when🤣#they never react the way id want or expect them to its kind of hilarious like i dont even WANT to talk to them#it would be equivalent to torture for me quite frankly 👍 idk maybe ill talk through it with my friend#shes at least sort of where im at but shes also like. Doing Shit and Has Plans so.#but i think she gets me a little bit. granted i may cry and i dont really need to do that in front of her#for many reasons 😭😭 i would fr never be able to face her again#anyway. how are your nights going
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i should not have read the notes on that sibling post
#vent incoming sorry#WHYYYYY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE NEUROTYPICAL#she always called me annoying and even got violent about it sometimes#and now its like. sometimes i feel like i cant ask for help or contact people for necessary things or even fucking infodump#because i feel like im just going to be annoying and theyre gonna want nothing to do with me#she doesnt do that anymore she traumatizes me in new ways !#since im the only one without a job most of the chores are my responsibility which is fine and fair#but she made this chore chart for me that was cool In Theory because it didnt just have punishments but rewards as well#but sometimes i couldnt get everything done because of the Mentol Illness#and when i tried to explain that she would say i was using it as an excuse#we would write each other notes on the whiteboard#and in one of her notes she went as far as to say that she talked to someone with 'diagnosed executive dysfunction'#and that they said i was using it as an excuse#the kicker? you can't get diagnosed with executive dysfunction. it's a symptom if anything#the other kicker? she's a psychology major#she likes to pretend she knows more about my mental illnesses than me because shes been studying psychology for 6 years#but buddy i have been living with them for almost 21 years now#if youre so smart psych major then how come you thought executive dysfunction was something you could get diagnosed?#how come you thought i could be put in a mental hospital just because i haven't been able to find a job!!!!#ah this has gotten. long#but its like when i see other people talk about their Antics with their Beloved Siblings im like. god i wish she were autsitic#maybe i should rewatch rottmnt and cry#end of vent thanks for reading uh. you can share your sibling trauma in the replies if you want#like comment and subscribe for more things i should probably be telling to a therapist 😎#(this was a moment of weakness and i do not plan on venting here again)
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#confiding in friends is good and helpful and healing until it becomes burdensome when u r in situations where nobody can give u advice#or comfort and all they can tell u are things u already know urself so u feel like a burden sharing things and stressing ppl out#by having them worry abt u w out being able to do anything abt it or offer u actual comfort in any way… :(#dont get me wrong im incredibly grateful for my friends but like if my dad is actively dying from cancer as we speak there is nothing u can#possibly say to help so all i do by sharing is make ppl feel pressured to comfort me even though there is no comfort to be given at all#ik u love me and ik i deserve a break from the difficult things life has been throwing at me for the last yr. ik those things already#and it almost hurts to hear them said again because like. ik those things are true and i wish they brought me comfort but they dont. nothing#brings me comfort. nothing at all#i feel like these feelings resurface every couple months and i start isolating myself from my friends whenever this happens because i feel#so like. burdensome but also unable to accept words of comfort or sympathize w anything that anyone else is going thru. i stop liking#conversing w my friends and i just feel too drained to talk to anyone because all that is on my mind is death#i had to delete a bunch of social media + messaging apps from my phone / mute conversations + turn dnd on constantly because i just. i just.#i literally just cant and i wish i could and i dont feel guilty for needing to take this space because i am familiar w this being one of my#needs and also ik i am going thru something insanely traumatic atm and like nobody can judge me or make me feel guilty for what my needs are#at the moment. i used to feel guilty abt this but tbh i dont even have the energy anymore. this is just how i am#like i dont even have the ability to explain to people what the situation is or how dire it is. my sister and i are sure that this is it#but even if this isnt it it will only be a matter of time. he hasnt responded well to a single treatment and we have exhausted everything#so now its just a waiting game. if it doesnt happen in a few months it will just happen a few months after that. there is no battle to even#fight anymore. this is just it#fuck. oh my god#there was more i wanted to say but i started thinking abt it and i feel like im going to have a panic attack so never mind. ummm#okay… anyways!#woozi eating lettuce dot gif#journal
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