#also sorry sorry but stuff like that grinds my gears bc some of us keep our heads down and mind or business | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

judasisgayriot · 2 months

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hello again! you once again prove yourself as the queen of heroes ramblings. you responded with so much detail so quickly! loveeee it :)

i wanna ask you more, i like getting your mini ted talks. what are your thoughts on sylar/peter as a ship? i personally don’t really see it in the show, but i’ve read some real good fics with them.

Hahaha omg I love you anon I’m glad someone enjoys hearing my unhinged rants about this show…

Soooo. Maybe the girlies will hate me for this one lol. Thing is, I can see how sylar/peter would lend itself to having some good fics written about it. Like, the concept is there, it has potential. The foundations for a good hero/villain ship are there, they are definitely set up as foils and parallels to each other, they have the whole ‘two sides of a coin’ thing going on. But like you, I don’t really see it in the show at all. It’s like they had the potential but didn’t actually execute it/make me give a fuck about it/make me remotely want to ship it, lol.

It is/was a popular ship in heroes fandom (lol heroes fandom in 2024 is like 12 people but hey) and I do see why for the above reasons. I actually think the episode ‘the wall’ is a great concept but again, they don’t sell me on it/execute it well/actually follow through on making me remotely believe they’d become friends by the end. Right before they break out, having spent what was apparently like 10 years of mind-time together in there or whatever, Peter still hates his guts and wants to smash his head in with a sledgehammer lmao?? (I mean girl same. The whole ‘peter has to forgive sylar, narratively and kind of literally, if he wants to escape the mind prison’ plot point grinds my gears. I think he should get to never forgive him ever for killing Nathan if he doesn’t want to lmao. Shout out to that one fan panel with Milo where he’s like ‘peter would never forgive him he would eviscerate him’ king you are speaking my fucking language lol. I digress.) like afterwards I can buy that sylar has latched onto Peter and wants to be his friend/wants Peter to like, model being a good person for him, but not that Peter actually gives a shit in return or wants anything to do with him lol

(Sidenote, that in itself is a rly interesting concept, and me and @buildarocketboys developed a fic idea about peter agreeing to like, ‘mentor’ sylar and hang out with him but if and only if he kept shapeshifting back into Nathan for him. Now THAT is fucked up and deranged and the good stuff and actually makes me, avowed sylar disliker, feel kinda sorry for the guy lol. Yessss let me marinate in the badwrongness of all of that and how Peter is the one acting fully insane. Anyway. I digress once more.)

Anyway I’m clearly also biased bc I used to like sylar as a character back in the day but sometime over my like 4 rewatches over the last few years he really started pissing me off lol. Now it’s not like I’m being an anti about him being an evil villain or anything, I love a problematic king and I’m a Nathan stan lmao. In fact I only really enjoy sylar when he is getting to be a proper fun cackling all-out villain, he’s actually enjoyable and funny in that mode. It’s the like 9 flip-flopped badly written redemption arcs they keep trying to give him like they’re trying to make me feel sorry for him bc his dad sold him to one direction or whatever, but sorry!! I feel nothing! He’s a whiny bitch and they should have just let him be killed off one of the first 900 times it nearly happened! I don’t have any sympathy and he’s completely lost me lol. So yeah. That does make me biased plus being a Petrellicest girlie and a Nathan stan and an Elle stan sorry I selfishly won’t forgive him for killing them 😔 poor baby serial killer I’m being such a mean hater. Stan my absolutely fucking awful morally confused self hating politician guy instead loooool

Well. All that to say that I see why people ship it, it has interesting foundations that could have led to something good but IMO it just didn’t, I can definitely imagine it has some good fic out there that can sell you on it, but I just don’t see their great poetic love or whatever. It’s soooo ‘baby’ ‘fellow associate’ core by the end lmao. And it actively annoys me. But I am just being a hater I know. Sorry to the cool petlars out there it’s all hashtag my opinion

#asks #anon #heroes ramblings #hooo boy you got me monologuing again!!!!#anyway stan petrellice.st and their red string of fate fucked up ness xxxx

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sleepinglightt · 6 years

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EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE 150 QUESTIONS

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?My most recent ex

2. Are you outgoing or shy?I’d say I’m pretty outgoing

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?Mainly my dad, 2 more weeks!! I’m super excited

4. Are you easy to get along with?I think so? I talk a lot so I probably get annoying but then again there’s always a conversation so 🤷🏻‍♀️

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?I think so

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?People with positive energies, cute smiles, and nice hearts

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?Who knows man, I’m pretty emotionally damaged though. I have a lot of baggage.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?My dad, I miss him.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Nope.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?Faith

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“It just really grinds my gears”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?-down 4 u by blackbear-gorgeous by mansionz-surprise party by hoodie allen -ivy by frank ocean-dead roses by blackbear (I love blackbear ok I’m sorry his voice just makes me happy and I can relate with the whole people screwing you over aesthetic)

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?Uhhh yes

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?I believe in miracles, but I don’t believe in luck bc I think everything happens for a reason

15. What good thing happened this summer?Pride, I learned a lot about myself, and I got to be in a cool show with some cool people

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?No comment next question pls

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?I think there’s gotta be, the universe is just too big dude.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?No, but funny story I literally only thought he was cool bc we bonded over Chris brown and Halloween town and i was in like 1st grade. Honestly my first REAL crush on a girl who was my best friend and I thought she was an angel tbh

19. Do you like bubble baths?Yup, but I have to at least wash off my body before I take a bath bc I don’t like soaking in my own dirt ya feel

20. Do you like your neighbors?I don’t really know them, one of them is this kinda cool old guy though. He picks up twigs and leaves every morning, pretty dope dude if you ask me.

21. What are you bad habits?I get attached to easily, but I also distance myself a lot when people get to close bc I have trust issues. Like whenever anyone gets too close I freak out bc I don’t know how to handle emotions and I always try to break up with them before they hurt me.

22. Where would you like to travel?I wanna go to the red wood forest in Cali and I’d like to go somewhere where there’s a black sand beach bc I think those are pretty cool.

23. Do you have trust issues?I have major trust issues wdym

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?Sleeping

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?The fact it doesn’t work properly is kind of a bummer and it pisses me off. Look wise, I’m not too fond of my nose tbh. It’s kinda big and triangular and I used to think I looked like phineas.

26. What do you do when you wake up?On school days I normally try to wait a minute so I can see how much feeling I have in my legs before I stand up. Sometimes I fall over or whatever but it’s cool. On week ends and days I have doctors appointments I sleep in and then I lay in bed for like 30 mins to an hour and do stuff on my phone.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?I don’t really care tbh

28. Who are you most comfortable around?My closest friends

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?Yeah

30. Do you ever want to get married?Yup

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?My hair is long enough for like 3 ponytails

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?Ellen page and missy peregrym

33. Spell your name with your chin.Wo fMy name is Alex, but I tried

34. Do you play sports? What sports?I used to play softball and I was in love with it, but then I quit for theatre and music.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?Tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?I normally tell people, but sometimes I don’t

37. What do you say during awkward silences?I normally make a stupid joke

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Uhhhhh next question plS

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?target and thrift stores. Especially value villages, I always find cool stuff at value village.

40. What do you want to do after high school?I’m gonna go to college, I recently have been considering doing pre med and then going to medical school but who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?I think some people do, and I think some people have to prove that they deserve a second chance, but then there are people that don’t deserve even a first chance let alone a second chance.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?I’m either thinking or I’m trying to keep my mouth shut so I don’t say something mean

43. Do you smile at strangers?I always smile when I make eye contact

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Space my dude

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?Sometimes I don’t get out of bed tbh, like today I didn’t get out of bed except to go to the bathroom and to take a shower. Most of the time it’s just bc of school

46. What are you paranoid about?Everything

47. Have you ever been high?Nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?Nope

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?Not that I know of

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?It’s rainbow tie dye

51. Ever wished you were someone else?Sometimes, but most of the time I’m happy in my own body

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?I wish I could learn to trust people better and let them in. I tend to isolate myself a lot, even from the people in my house because I’ve been hurt so much that it’s hard to trust people tbh

53. Favourite makeup brand?I really love Anastasia Beverly Hills but I also love tarte and kat von d 🤷🏻‍♀️

54. Favourite store?Target

55. Favourite blog?I have a couple, @thequeerexpoditionist @sapphic-sage @brianniscute and all of the lesbian blogs

56. Favourite colour?Yellow

57. Favourite food? Noodles

58. Last thing you ate?A ho ho bc I’m a ho ho

59. First thing you ate this morning?I had pancakes

60. Ever won a competition? For what?I won some tournaments in softball, does that count?

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?Nope I’m a good noodle

62. Been arrested? For what?Never

63. Ever been in love? Yeah

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?It was in a church parking lot and I bumped teeth with the guy and it was awkward, shortly after I broke up with him for my first girlfriend oops

65. Are you hungry right now?Not really

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?I don’t really have a lot of tumblr friends tbh

67. Facebook or Twitter?Twitter bc I love the tea

68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?Nope

70. Names of your bestfriends? Briann, faith, and Elizabeth

71. Craving something? What?I’m craving a cuddle buddy bc it’s cold and I just wanna lay on someone’s chest

72. What colour are your towels?They’re multi colored

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?Okay so I’m weird and I have like 5 pillows on my bed but when I go to sleep I don’t use any of them

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?Yeah don’t judge me

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?Probably like 10-15 but a lot of them are in my closet (just like me)

75. Favourite animal?I really love dogs, they make me happy. I also really love cats though. I LOVE ALL ANIMALS HONESTLY

76. What colour is your underwear?It’s blue

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Swirl ;) just kidding I like vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Vanilla with strawberries in it

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?It’s grey and it has dogs on it

80. What colour pants?I’m wearing black shorts

81. Favourite tv show?The x files, but I’ve recently been watching the good doctor and it’s really good!

82. Favourite movie?Dead poets society orrrr perks of being a wallflower

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?Mean girls what kind of question is that

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?I’ve never seen all of 21 jumpstreet so I guess mean girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Gretchen, I can relate to her anger

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Either the starfish, the puffer fish, or the little squid girl

87. First person you talked to today?Faith

88. Last person you talked to today?So far it’s been Faith

89. Name a person you hate?I don’t talk about him

90. Name a person you love?Briann!

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?Not really?

92. In a fight with someone?I don’t think so

93. How many sweatpants do you have?Like 1 pair no joke

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?Too many

95. Last movie you watched?THE NEW SAW MOVIE OMG

96. Favourite actress?Ellen page bc I have a crush on her

97. Favourite actor?Zachary Quinto bc I love him and he was great in Star Trek plus heS GAY

98. Do you tan a lot?I don’t tan, ever.

99. Have any pets?I have a dog named gizmo but he doesn’t love me as much as I love him :((

100. How are you feeling?Like crap, same as usual

101. Do you type fast?On my phone? Yes. On my laptop? No.

102. Do you regret anything from your past?I regret a lot of things, but ya gotta learn one way or another 🤷🏻‍♀️

103. Can you spell well?I think so

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?I guess so

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?Yup

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?Unfortunately I think so

107. Have you ever been on a horse?Yeah

108. What should you be doing?I should be writing an essay

109. Is something irritating you right now?Not really

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?Yeah

111. Do you have trust issues?Um yeah I already answered this oneeeee

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?I don’t even remember I try not to cry in front of people

113. What was your childhood nickname?I used to get called Grace in softball bc I always tripped over my own feet and I’d constantly get hurt lmao

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Yup thank god

115. Do you play the Wii?I haven’t played the wii in forever but I bet I’d still kick ass in wii tennis

116. Are you listening to music right now?Nope

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?I love chicken noodle soup bc I love noodles

118. Do you like Chinese food?Yes yes yes

119. Favourite book?Right now it’s probably diary of an oxygen thief, but looking for Alaska is still my all time fav

120. Are you afraid of the dark?Kinda I get The Spooks™

121. Are you mean?Sometimes I can be really mean, most of the time it isn’t intentional and I feel bad but sometimes it’s well deserved

122. Is cheating ever okay?Nope

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?Probably not, I don’t own a pair of white shoes though

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?Nah

125. Do you believe in true love?Yeah

126. Are you currently bored?Not really

127. What makes you happy?Coffee, genuine hugs, dogs, hiking, the way the sun feels on a chilly day, good grades, sleeping, ya know the usual stuff

128. Would you change your name?I used to hate my name, but now I think it’s pretty cool

129. What your zodiac sign?I’m a Gemini with a rising Scorpio

130. Do you like subway?Not really

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Next question

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?Faith

133. Favourite lyrics right now?“And you give good head, make daddy real proud of you” bc the way blackbear says it is really cool and I wish someone would give me good head and call me daddy

134. Can you count to one million?Probably not lmao

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?I’ve told a lot of dumb lies I think it’s a pretty human thing to do

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?I have to sleep with them open and I hate it bc I get really paranoid

137. How tall are you?I’m 5’6

138. Curly or Straight hair?I have straight hair but I think curly hair is really pretty

139. Brunette or Blonde?I have a thing for brunettes

140. Summer or Winter?Winter

141. Night or Day?I feel inclined to say night, but I like doing things during the day so idk

142. Favourite month?Used to be December but someone had to fuck it up for me so idk

143. Are you a vegetarian?No, I’m trying to be though

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?All chocolate, I don’t discriminate against chocolate

145. Tea or Coffee?Coffee, but I really love sweet iced tea

146. Was today a good day?Not really

147. Mars or Snickers?Snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote?“We’re all homos” - michael Scott

149. Do you believe in ghosts?Kinda yeah

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “But thanks to AA I had signed a new lease of life and I was determined to use it” -diary of an oxygen thief

#asks

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coshayphinelove · 7 years

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just some thinky thoughts after i wrote a tag essay that got way bigger than the tags. feel free to read if you want, but forewarning... i have more questions after writing than before so..

so before i start anything i’d like to clarify that i love ob. most of my issues with it are bc i got my hopes too high and held the creators to the standards i hold myself, which is not fair in art. also, i’m only talking about the ob team and the characters, not the fans. don’t get all in a twist, this is just me... thinkin.

so ep 5 was great. 2013 me would have loved it. but 2017 me is like.. hard into communication and explicitly labelled representation. and cophine is neither of those things. like... i can understand that there’s not enough time to linger on stuff the way i would want to. i get it. but like... there was enough time to linger on alison. for five seasons. the first time she ever did anything main plot-moving was this season, she was always almost completely seperate. she got flashbacks out the wazoo to explain her entire life story. we met her mom. her monitor is redeemed.

i just am very unhappy with the doling of screen time. like... it’s not even about shipping anymore. it’s about plot holes and i am genuinely confused about the story at this point. like delphine and donnie are easily comparable characters. donnie monitored alison for close to a decade. lied to her for a decade. once he found out about the clones started doing things without alison’s knowledge or consent. he is forgiven. almost immediately. for everything.

delphine lasted as a monitor about... a month? she was so bad at lying that cosima caught her. she immediately came clean. then in the flashback begged cosima to believe that she would always protect her. and yet? the conflict surrounding delphine for the entire show is ~is she good or bad???~. and at every turn she is keeping that promise while making and keeping other promises. and everybody, including her love interest keeps throwing her mistakes in her face.

donnie gets side plots and new dynamics to explore. delphine has to have all of her characterization as a subset of cosima’s screen time. donnie gets a seat at the bubbles table, delphine does not. she has to leave and get shot (a whole different rant of equal length).

on another note, alison and cosima are also easily comparable characters: side characters used to provide info for sarah to react to. cosima’s safety is always at risk, she’s been boiled down to her love interest for several plots, and she doesn’t ever get to acknowledge her Very Obvious PTSD and abandonment issues. alison has low stakes conflict (up until this season, but that’s already over), she is never boiled down to donnie’s wife, and we got to watch her parse through her issues in s2 in great detail.

like even the flashbacks. like alison got half her episode told in flashbacks and it was gorgeous. i by no means wanted that when there’s so much going on but i thought we would get at least a little more.

we met alison’s parent. we hear about her in a natural and very not forced way. cosima gets one very long line about her family very late in the game in a clunky and almost pointless way. (like... why was it in there? what purpose did it serve?)

i think the problem is subtext. everybody is always talking about the subtext. but the problem is there are several issues that the writer’s address almost explicitly. like alison’s drinking problem. we learned all about that and we cheered for her when she went to rehab and we we sad when she relapsed. with cosima it’s.... two instances of smash cuts of bad memories and her reacting to them. ......*gestures with flailing arms* ISN’T THAT ALSO IMPORTANT???

like. i’m going to keep talking about delphine but.. that’s just where my head is rn..

but from s1 to s2 her arc was learning what her role would be in clone club and then how to do that. and she made some big huge strides there. and then she comes back for s3 and it’s gone. she’s just.. not doing that anymore? like they took the time to film her telling cosima immediately after she messed up that she had, in fact, messed up. and then, what, a few days later she Can’t Tell Cosima Anything Anymore? and don’t get on me about screen time here. it could’ve been like.. 2 more lines. “it’s not safe, they’ll hurt you.” “b-but delphine??” “i’m sorry.” LIKE? they just wanted the drama of cosima not knowing. which i can see wanting, but it didn’t end up working. because then you had scenes showing delphine doing things for clone club. so then... it was just.... confusing? and imo drawn out for too long.

but even to this day I, a delphine stan, am still kind of iffy. she literally made an ultimatum (promise me, everyone. you will never make an ultimatum in your romantic/sexual/platonic relationships. that’s a manipulation tactic that a lot of abusers use. slippery slope please don’t do it.)(i’m also not saying that delphine is an abuser or that you’re an abuser but just.. it’s a thing to be careful of.)

“accept our toxic relationship as is or leave.”

IN WHAT WORLD IS THAT OKAY??? like i get the sentiment behind it. like she was saying, ‘hey cosima i know i’ve been bad but like you don’t have to stay if you don’t want. i’ll stop kissing you and everything.’ but then.... have her say that? everything delphine ever says to cosima is wrapped in 3 levels of subtext. or alternatively, cut the kissies in half and let them have a few lines about a new promise or something. idk if that’s just her being extra or if that’s just.... the writers.

bc the creators... bless them.. they’re trying. but when it comes down to it they were predominantly straight men. and they did add tatiana as an executive producer which is like.. the head idea guy who tell the writers what to write. which was awesome! but like.. she’s straight (as far as we know). so like.. i really don’t want to pull the sexuality card here. but i think i am.

bc it’s one thing if you don’t give romantic, mental health, or communication plot lines very much time. it’s another if you give a straight couple plenty and a wlw couple scraps. it’s one thing if the straight couple gets to delve into things multiple times and the wlw couple gets ten seconds before the plot needs to keep going.

i get that the cosima-centric ep was very plot heavy, stuff was happening, i get it. but like... if you cared about giving good rep as much as you claim you do wouldn’t you... re-structure so that they have more than 10 seconds? wouldn’t you sacrifice some of that oh so dearly beloved body horror to let them just... talk for a hot sec? or let them be in the same room?

i know it’s hard work. the longest original work i’ve ever finished is a 30 page script. and even then it’s a lot of ‘is this dialogue working?’ ‘would that character say that?’ ‘that’s a plot hole’ ‘wait where is he going again?’ i get that there’s a lot to keep track of so like... knowing who cosima’s parents are wasn’t on a post-it note on the beat board. but i just... one of the questions i always ask myself is ‘is this healthy?’ so like... i always make sure that if the dynamic isn’t then i either address it somewhere else or change it so it is.

i don’t think they were asking themselves that.

bc straight guys are used to power balances in their relationships. they’re used to ultimatums. whether it’s in their life or in fiction, that’s what they see. and they’re socialized to see that as normal. so when they’re made aware that the media they’re making is feminist/progressive, these guys seemed like they did research and tried to make it more so. but... they missed the mark. bc straight men will never know what it’s like to be a wlw or a woman. that’s just how it works.

and then.. like... they were so hyperaware of the fans and what they wanted. and i think the thing they understood the best was that they wanted cophine kisses. bc a lot of ppl wanted that and like...ppl who are cophine critical sometimes also want cophine kisses. so that’s the loudest thing they heard/saw. and instead of doing the emotional work and the plot work they thought every scene had to have kisses.

and they also knew that they could always fill in the gaps at panels. WHICH. not canon if you say it at a panel y’all. they knew the fans would spread their patches all over the place. so instead of doing the work and explicitly taking a stand they just.. let people ask them questions so they knew what people were wondering about and then...... answered.

i don’t think they did any of this maliciously but like.. the whole drama surrounding sarah’s sexuality, the great debate of whether it was problematic or not. like... knowing now that they didn’t intend it to come off as her lashing out and having a mental breakdown helps, but.... that’s still what it looked like at first glance. and if i’m just a DVR viewer who doesn’t meticulously stalk everything ob online, i wouldn’t know that. and they do that with delphine’s intentions a lot. they do it with sexuality a lot. they do it with gender a lot. and it’s like.... it’s representation but... label-less to the masses. like my dad was in the room when sarah was kissing a girl and he made some snide comment about it. and it’s like... they were just too aware of fans that they gave them what they wanted (sarah kissing a girl/cophine kisses) without thinking about if was the healthy thing for the moment. they didn’t think about the ramifications.

and it’s just so frustrating. bc i love this show, i do. there’s so much to talk about and so many themes and allegories and cool stuff. but they just... do a lot of stuff that..... really grinds my gears. like this isn’t even a comprehensive list.

#blog stuff #thinky thoughts #i think i like that tag...

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dekumidoriyall · 5 years

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I am a wreck man. I liked it better when I could go home and cry alone. But now "home" is ykws place and he sees me cry and I'm over it.

And if I just leave the place to cry he will also notice bc he pays too much attention which I'm not mad at I guess it's better than him not noticing anything at all which would probably make it worse. Like I know my brain would turn that into "wow he doesn't even notice when you're upset he doesn't care at all" which my ex never noticed and that was exactly the case sometimes. But then again if I actually wanted to fake it I could, but I try not to as much bc that only makes me feel worse. I'd rather not fake it, bc one that's more exhausting, and two, my brain would again try to convince me no one notices bc they don't care. And then I have to tell myself , like yeah no shit jazz you're great at faking it. So I try not to fake it with ykw, I just tone it down a bit and then will lie about it. Which is dumb and I'm glad he called me out on it. And I get he shouldn't have to drag it out of me but also I really do feel my own thoughts are sometimes irrational which is why I double layer my thoughts and have to think about them. And then it sucks when I know I'm being sad or upset for a dumb reason and then he wants to ask me about it and it's like I already know I'm dumb for even thinking this but I don't want him to know how dumb I think i am sometimes. At least how dumb my first thoughts can be sometimes. Bc like I said, I'll tell myself hey that's nonsensical. I am rational believe it or not, it's just the second layer which I thank God I'm self aware enough to at least acknowledge when my own thoughts or feelings are being dumb.

But I have been feeling distant lately and I'm sad about that at a surface level, bc I know my language is quality time and v close after that is physical touch. Like I think QT is 11 and PT is 8, and then it goes words of affirmation at 7 and then acts of service at 4 (which is weird bc I actually think this is how I show it most but I don't receive it the same) and then of course receiving gifts at 0 bc y'all know I don't care jack shit at all for things or gifts or stuff.

And it sucks bc I just live there. It's like we've said. We're just friends. So at not just the surface level but at the second level, I get even more upset with myself for being upset in the first place bc it's like c'mon jazz it doesn't matter, y'all don't owe each other anything. Y'all can talk to whomever. Y'all can do whatever tf y'all want. Y'all aren't together. It doesn't really matter. You know me, I'm no good in the middle or with uncertainty. Uncertainty is my Achilles heel.

But idk he hasn't been as cuddly lately, doesn't do the hand to waist thing almost at all anymore. We had sex (which I know is opposite of physically distant) but I dont even know where that came from but I craved the small stuff so much that I was like I'll take this if this is all I can get. I mean don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed it (although some foreplay would've been extra nice) and would ten ten do again but Physical touch isn't necessarily sex. For me it's the cuddling and the hugs and the orbiting and the almost hand holding and when the hand holding does happen it's nice. So it's not necessarily I'll take what I can get more so that I've been feeling a detachment and it was nice to feel wanted I guess. And i think this is what I like to use the most which is why I'm always like running my hands in his hair and beard and probably annoy him with the lack of physical space. But lately I feel I have to initiate all that or have to refrain completely bc I don't want to annoy him or suffocate him and again we aren't together so I shouldn't even be concerned with any of that. But I actually drafted a post about the sex thing but I couldn't even finish it bc I still am actually surprised by it. Like I honestly would've thought it was a dream if it weren't for me being sore. Like it had been months and wow it felt so great. But I literally have no idea where it came from. Literally a day before the boy and I were talking about a sermon about that. And don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it again, but there isn't a container at all right now. We aren't even dating and I can't justify it. Like of course I care about him and I have, ya know, those extra feelings, but as far as I know with him, I'm just a candidate. The "only candidate" as he put it a week or so ago, but who knows.

Again it comes back down to insecurity and uncertainty. But I put myself in this position. I started thinking about maybe I shouldve moved in with Momo but tbh I'd feel even more isolated and uncertain there so I cut that out thank God bc the enemy was really trying hard with that one.

Idk I guess nothing is really wrong it's just me I guess questioning my role in other people's lives. And I pray that I stop, bc at the end of the day it's just me and god and that relationship that matters.

Yeah I think my alignment is off, like pastor Steven furtick said in his contentment commandments sermon, if you feel like you're in a hurry, you're alignment is off. So I just need to refocus on God. Nothing else matters and I know it's easier said than done or even trying to convince me, but it won't stop me from trying.

Idk, I wish I cared less. About everything and everyone. All caring has ever gotten me is getting hurt.

And I don't want to talk about this which is why I'm writing it out. And if he needs to then I will try my best to talk it out and I don't want to not write on here bc I know he reads it, and I also don't want to refrain any of my feelings either bc this is the only way I can get them out. And sometimes I can't talk and be open about them and this is the next best thing. But I do promise to try. I am trying to be more open with him. And I wrote that thing about not being vulnerable with him and i don't want to go backwards. It was one of my intentions going into this year and I'm not gonna let one night that was bad timing ruin that. And honestly being vulnerable and open and honest with someone is very unlike me bc I am always on guard with people even though it doesn't seem it if you actually know me unless you're AJ or Kel who have gotten to know me under the surface bc even my daddy issues™ are open forum and I don't mind talking about that. But there are under the surface vulnerable feelings I've had on that that only few people know. So while it seems that I am open, I actually am always playing defense. Observing people and knowing more than I let on and feeling more than I let on. Idk I don't know if AJ gets the fact that I keep stuff to myself not bc I necessarily don't trust him, but bc the more people know about you the more they can hurt you. And idk aj knows more than Kel at this point when it comes to things that could potentially be used against me. And that's fucking terrifying.

And then always at the back of my head is this is all temporary. At any point he could get tired of me and I'd have to uproot and move again.

And you know what I have been giving him a lot of backstory lately. In the last month or so, since we had that talk about me being open, and since the first open up during Xmas and even before then when we kinda talked when we hot boxed the closet, I've been more open these past few weeks than I have the entirely of our friendship. And I don't get much back. I don't pry ever. It's not like I don't notice things. I just let him be and if he wants to tell me things then he can. Idk maybe he shows he cares by doing the prying and getting me to talk to him and tbh that's a good call bc if he didn't then I probs would spiral into a whole he doesn't care headspace. So I'm not gonna complain. And I hope he doesn't think that I don't care or notice, I just don't mind that he plays defense. Bc I do that with everyone. Well it's not that I don't mind, it's just i understand. But I notice when he gets heavy, and he won't talk to me about it or open up to me until after and even then he just brushes over it.

I don't know I feel like this post is going in circles but the more I write the more stuff is just coming to the forefront and i actually feel better but im not entirely sure any of this is coherent and also i probably misspoke on some things. But I feel better.

Long story short, I'll keep opening up bc it's something I haven't done so maybe it will be the thing that will help. And it's scary and I can't promise him 100 percent but I can promise to try and give more. I just need him to understand that I keep stuff to myself out of defense.

I'm not upset at him for anything even all the distance I've been feeling, it's just I'm sensitive to any slight change in behaviour, just like he is. He thinks he's the only keen one, and I'll give him props he's good, slightly better than me, I just don't speak on it. It doesn't bother me that he doesnt tell me everything. But my mind does go crazy with assumptions when I do notice any changes.

I just want us both to be light again. I think we've both been a bit heavy. I think we're both stressed about things that have nothing to do with each other but does affect our friendship.

We just both are people who get in our own heads. But we deal with it differently, which is okay. This is all a journey, a learning curve. And honestly it wont get better unless we both communicate better. But when neither of us likes to feel vulnerable or show weakness, it's kinda difficult. Especially me. I'm not gonna speak for him. I have to actively be aware of it. Its only 8 days into the yesr so I don't think I'm necessarily failing at choosing joy or opening up, I think it's the fact that I'm doing that is such a radical shift that I'm kinda grinding the gears within myself. So it's just growing pains.

Sorry for the long ass post I just needed a big mind dump and to turn my thoughts around from where they were bc I actually feel like I kinda made some progress within myself.

Anyway the other night was great, both AJ meeting my family and ya know coming back home. So I fully intend to still post that draft I was writing (I really still am in disbelief) bc it was about both those things. Just maybe when I let it sit for a bit longer. Also I kinda still wanna keep it for myself for a bit. I have a lot of thoughts about it. Good and maybe some, not bad, but just tangents I guess. So soon.

#personal

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