#it actually sucks i been sleeping all day
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i could NOT stop sleeping all day today like ive never felt so overcome with exhaustion during the day in my life i dont think
#im still fighting the exhaustion actually#earlier it was so powerful it was like i had taken melatonin unknowingly#what the shit#it actually sucks i been sleeping all day#i was probably awake for a total of 1 hour and half of that was shower time LOL#fucjfjfjfjkf#i need to do smth to stay awake#its the depression#:')#voxxrambles
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in the last two days or so i was able to actually properly take my meds at night, sleep, and wake up fully rested in the morning, had actual filling meals, and i just did those simple exercises in the video i reblogged and they werent super hard or time consuming like daily exercises usually are for me. so now.. im feeling actually pretty optimistic? maybe i can make my life a little healthier. thatd be pretty nice
#🧃#i took a shower this morning and im going to get my nails done in a couple hours#i also hope to finish this commission ive been procrastinating on today and then i can take some more#i also saw a while ago a guy talking about how he set himself to read 10 book pages a day and ended up actually reading a bunch of books#which sounds doable enough and i could finally read all this stuff ive been putting off#idk. my life sucks so bad and ive been feeling so terrible but i guess that doesnt mean i cant try to make it a little better#and i can have goals to seek and achieve even if currently my goals are ''remember to shower'' and ''sleep better''#i hope i can keep this idea going i dont want to give up and fuck it all up again
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Melatonin is a delicate balancing act, it took some time to find a dose that helped me fall and stay asleep without leaving me groggy after 8/10 hours. For me, that has been 10 mg gradually increased to such over a few weeks then steady since.
I also take roughly a week without it every month or two, as the bottle recommends. Listen to your body and do what you can. Good luck, and thank you for the sweet gay were/pire comic<3
Yeah, I can tell my sweet zone is somewhere between 3 and 6 mg, at least right now. Or at least I think it is. Admittedly my sleep has been absolutely horrible since I was a kid so my standards on "not tired" are pretty low, so I'm not actually sure if they're any good right now. All I know is I'm getting more than 2 hours of sleep at a time, and I'm not spending every waking moment fighting off a nap!
Thanks for the confirmation I've gotta test with it and go off and on and such, my doc didn't give me a straight answer on that (he just kept saying take it as needed... I need it every night!!!). 75% of the time being good is way better than 0% so I'll take what I can get!
And the gay comics are the least I can do 🧡 thank you for reading it!
#my boyfriend actually commented unprompted that ive been complaining less about being tired all the time..m#like dont get me wrong. im still tired#but it has been a WORLD of a difference.#like. its been every day since i was like 14 that just. all day i could fall right back asleep#and every night i wake up every. other. hour.#ive never really been able to sleep longer than 2 hours at a time#so ive never gotten uhm. good sleep before.#and ive had to stay in bed 14. 16. 20 hours to even feel like i can GET UP!!!!#super bad hahaha#but I'll take a week of that every month or so over every day#im just glad ive found a dose and combo thats workint for me cause ive tried melatonin before and it didnt help#but that was qlso before i used those nose strips. which also help me a lot?#so i think the combo is important#and i wouldn't be shocked if in 5 years i learn of another secret sleeping ingredient#anyways. maybe i can line up the bad sleep week off melatonin with the other week that sucks every month auajjddjdjejdj#see how it goes lol#oh ive also been taking other vitamins which have also been helping#so that combo leaves me with some actual waking time that im not fighting off a nap#this is why I've been posting more recently btw lol#asks#jackedupjack
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This has not been my week
#got sick#had two heart episodes in one day after going a very long time without having any#hit my head on the edge of an open cabinet hard enough for it to swell up immediately#and today my head has hurt so bad that ive not been able to get out of bed for more than like 1 hour total the entire day#cant tell if im still sick or if i gave myself a concussion#oh and my heart is still all sore/achy from the heart episodes from a couple days ago#and my body hurts#like this week has sucked so bad#this whole month has sucked actually#fucking allergies and fucking migraines from the weather changing so much and fucking not sleeping well
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So I’ll be real with y’all, I was never on the Leona fan train, like, I never hated him, he’s written well in fic and I thought he was decently fun, but I love all of the characters in this game to bits so he wasn’t any higher than anyone else, right
But between this one analysis of the latest JP event, him taking Jamil to task in a way only he would be able to, and him handling the giant fucking super spear that both other teams needed to work together to even hold by himself, if with a bit of difficulty... yeah, okay, I’m sold. He rules.
#twisted wonderland#leona kingscholar#twst leona#twst meta#twisted wonderland spoilers#twst spoilers#twst chapter 6 spoilers#like he's gradually been growing on me as I realize more and more how much being an adult sucks#and that I too want to sleep all day actually#but also he really is impressive#sheesh lmao
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I totally didn’t cry over the fact the X-Men aren’t real last night before bed haha who does that
It’s me. I do that.
#in my defense this has been such a shit week at work#and I’m like. barely hanging on with everything rn#I gotta get through today but idk if I have the strength#and I just want my family rn#rewatching WAXTM and then X-Men 97 finally coming out just. reminded me how much I love these guys#and god infucking missed them#however it just reminds me how much it hurts that they aren’t real tho#anyways I was gonna go hang out in the parks tomorrow but uh#out of state spring breakers are coming#so it’s probably gonna be too busy#and I’m just physically and mentally exhausted#I think I’m just gonna stay home and work on commissions#to the people I owe art I promise it’s coming I’m working on things a lot slower than I’d like#and I feel terrible about it tbh#work has just been sucking me dry and I have no energy#I haven’t even been drawing for myself#anyways. I promise I’m working on stuff I just need actual energy and not to sleep all fucking day
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guy is noticing his depression coming back, but will not do anything about it.
#idk ive been diagnosed with dysthymia which was sold to me as mild but longlasting depression etc.#as i was in the process of leaving my psychiatrist she told me it was at that moment in recession =w=b#but one main thing im seeing now is that im skipping school again. (+ the horrors but we dont talk about those)#skipping school isnt BAD and all. and i do genuinely think its for the better but. that might just be the depression voice talking =3=#anyway i know itll get better again. hopefully soon.#augh also one thing i noticed is. the sleepy. getting back.#its been a while since ive had afternoon naps but now..... they sure are happening.#and these suck a bit more bc often i get home at 4pm which is in my mind too late to have a comfy nap.#yesterday and also a couple days ago i napped from like 8pm-9pm. which isnt really helping my sleep :)#but its not like i could STAY AWAKE or something. i HAD to sleep.#:/#anyway its not like i can actually do something big about it...#maybe i should take a walk more. hm.#but my knees.... and the tired.... and things i actually have to do.....#sillyposting#yaknow.#=w=b
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August… time to get spooky.
#dadbots.txt#this has been in my draft for... almost a month. Yikes.#I’ve been dissociating hella hard these past months or something. swear I don’t remember time moving this fast. maybe it’s just me tbh.#idk what to say about July other than… boring? not much happened and I don’t really remember it if I’m honest. just. mm. shrugs.#best way to describe it LOL#been sleeping a LOT lately and I think it’s fatigue again. was it like anything before? no. not at that rate (yet) but just.#where you wanna sleep and sleep and sleep type of fatigue. you never feel rested and just gotta sleep it off kinda.#just one of those moments yknow.#it sucks. all I’m doing is letting the days pass me by and ‘missing out’ on living life when I could be enjoying it. but I lost interest -#- in doing so for months - years now due to personal health matters. And whaddya know - it came back again. after months of healing.#I'm pretty pissed as it does feel like a slap in the face. but you win some - you lose some. Gonna try and fight through it.#I wrote something at the beginning of august but that got deleted. Had a breakdown and thought huh. what a great way to start the month -#and now it's almost september. Just like that. What a month it's been. Stuck on what else to say but that really.#don't want to keep talking about depressing stuff as that's what i used to do and realized hey. maybe you should stop doing that so often#and not use it so casually in humor and/or stuff. Even though I reblog vents here n' all. but yknow.#maybe it is hypocritical. but that's not the point. Just want to reflect and see if i've changed since coming back to the web after a year.#not like it's going bad. just wished this year was a bit more optimistic. Last year was rough & i'm afraid this year will be another repeat#though I did come out to a family member this month and that was like a punch to the gut. Considering my status with them and all.#won't get into that. for now let's just say i'm not too close with them. An impulsive choice on my end but hey. it went well.#and that's what matters tbh. My younger self would've thought i was actually insane. like to even DO that? really?#shocking. I'm still not over that moment. Probably one of my biggest achievements this year.#I'll update this if anything else comes to mind. none of this make sense and that's ok. clearing my mind right now.#let's see what september has in store for me. Hopefully it'll get better as things slow down w/ winter on its way.#hope y'all enjoyed your summer. 🖤🤘🏽
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you ever get sick and tired of thinking about how sick and tired you are of being sick and tired?
anyone have cute art of asra (the arcana), shino (naruto), or john doe (uncanny valley game) they feel like sharing?
or gush about something cool they just finished creating?
I dunno could use some. goodness.
#chronic illness sucks#chronic pain sucks#chronic fatigue SUCKS#how am I supposed to take care of my spouse and my home and my critters if all i ever want to do is sleep?#how am i supposed to actually put in the requisite effort to my mfa#and writing in general?#how am i supposed to work out and get stronger or eat well#or work on other projects I've committed to?#head hurts every day#ibs acts up most days#never feel rested no matter how much i sleep#back pain joints muscles bones etc#and I've been so depressed and listless for so long#my partner works as a nurse full time and is also getting her masters degree because she is a badass#she has reason to be exhausted#technically i do too but it doesn't feel like it because i barely have done anything today and everything i have done came with struggle#but I'm still exhausted#perpetually#for as long as i can remember#and i don't know how to fix it#and I'm tired#and it's not fair#by which i mean#it's not fair to everyone else who works at hard as they do#that i DON'T anymore and still feel like shit and am allowed to not work a regular job anymore#it's not fair#I'm so tired
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woe another tag vent session be upon ye
#one of the girls in my class looks just like her. oh my god.#like im not being dramatic i literally thought it was her in my peripheral vision.#literally almost burst into tears in the middle of the room lmaooooooo#and then for the rest of the day every time i saw someone with her hair color i just saw her.#this shit sucks fr y'all i have never almost cried in public this much#and then i had to drive to pick up some groceries and fuck.#ive never been an anxious driver. i quite enjoy driving actually.#but i literally almost had a panic attack when i first pulled onto the road. i was so fucking anxious the entire time i was behind the whee#someone came up behind me pretty fast and i legit had to pull over to calm down it was so bad#so uh. not gonna be driving for a while lol. gonna kill myself or someone else doing that.#idk. idk i think this has me pretty messed up and i probably will be for a while. idk#my roommates and i finally decorated our living room and it was . fun. we laughed and made jokes and it was fun#but well. predictably i am feeling guilty over having fun now. which sucks ass from every angle#should i probably maybe make an appointment for therapy ???? probably ???????????#idk. might be good to talk all this out out loud yk. but also i Know i will cry and i dont want to do that.#sigh. anyway.#also predictably i cannot sleep. couldnt last night either.#i might go paint in the living room. i dont know.#anyway if u read this whole rant ily ur earning the veteran's pass to Winter's Breakdown Sessions#winter speaks#personal#grief tag#<- once again if u need to blacklist. will not hold it against anybody i prommy#tw death#tw panic attack
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sorry for the lack of writing, classes have just been kicking my ass
#these back to back weekly exams suck ass#like fucking hell let me breathe#i constantly feel pressured to study all day everyday#that it's impossible for me to actually do stuff during my free time without feeling guilty#but ive also just been feeling unmotivated and disinterested to study also#god i just want to sleep and not think of anything#◈ ░ out of order ⌜ooc⌟
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yes! yes!!! I have finished all the (bookmarked) attacks I had for art fight
#rave ramblees#art fight#and i don't get attacked out of the blue usually so i don't have to worry much about revenges#< it would suck to be sixbane though#she's actually insane. this year she's all 'quality over quantity i'm tired' (already has 110 attacks in 11 days)#how the fuck does she do it does she not SLEEP or....have an exceeding lack of motivation??????#anyways i could still do more attacks if i want but now idk who i should go for#i usually just end up going back to the same users from previous years if they're participating#and sometimes i wanna try new people so idk#but i should take a few days off and do the goatlings stuff (and also my homework i guess-)#but anyhow. that's 14 attacks this year#which is a little pathetic compared to previous years usually averaging closer to 40#(which i generally do all in one week and sit out the rest of the fight)#but i had a job this year and have also been Not Feeling Well in the mental department
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...
#shout out to the person at the [redacted] admissions office who gave me a typo-ed email to sent my transcript to#and i missed it bc idk im dyslexic and didnt expect to get the wrong email address from the graduate office#i would never have known if one of my transcripts didnt bounce back. like jesus. i would have been so sad#now im just gonna b real paranoid abt electronic transcripts. hopefully its fine bc dec 1 wasnt a hard deadline but thst was the priority#deadline. idk if they also needed official transcripts by then as well. fucking hell#i was gonna try to go to sleep early. now its 10.30 and im upset#everything is just. its all terrible. and i actually have to get shit done tomorrow like actually actually so im gonna have to suck it up#and just idk just do it. well see how much damage that does me#16 days. i have to made it 16 more days. 2 weeks and a bit. that's all#but the floorboards are rotting out from under my feet and i really dont wanna have to go to my boss like yo im like genuinely having a#breakdown so like fuck everything we had planned for December my brain is collapsing in on itself#8 to 10 months. assuming i get accepted somewhere. thats how long i have to stay. too long#i dont kno what im gonna do if being home doesnt heal me. it hasnt at any other point this year so blah#unrelated
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once i come back from my trip i think... there's gonna be some big changes
#theres a Lot of mutuals ive been trying to interact w who ignore me and a fair few I've stayed mutuals w#just bc it feels like i have to#and it has made tumblr feel. very lonely#i know this time of year just gets like that#but like. theres people who i used to be close to and talk to a lot who i can not get a reply from ic or ooc these days#and like people move on thats fine its just. idk it sucks#and i know im guilty of being slow sometimes and messages sometimes get missed if im overwhelmed but#i try very very hard to at least reply sometimes or acknowledge peoples posts/existence#but it only feels like 3 or 4 people actually want me here or want to talk to me#idk i love rping and i love being here but this is a collaborative hobby and it feels very much like everyones got people except me#the two people that i talk to every day mean the world to me i love u guys#but outside of those 2 and like 3 other people who like my posts i just feel. like im only a number in peoples follower counts#maybe come the end of jan people will be back online more and I'll feel better but idk#i just try so hard to be here all the time and have completely fucked my sleep schedule on Many occasions#just to hang out and talk w people and i throw my all into trying to be here and have friends and be interesting#and i guess im just. not? and it sucks but it is what it is i guese#i just wish that this wasnt such a lonely place bc im so tired of deleting a bunch of posts constantly bc they get no notes#and it makes me feel like my blog looks messy and bad for anyone new whos looking#i just constantly feel like i have to apologize for existing here and its not fair thats not what this is meant to be#i miss having friends here. people used to like me and im not sure what changed
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.
#its dumb of me but a few days ago i went with his deadname on google to see if i could see more stuff about his dead#since his friends who were alqo supposed to be my friends did a 'ceremony' together without telling me#even tho i rly wanted to go to be able to grief and to cry it out properly#so since i havent been able to grieve well i did that. search for his deadname. i just wanted to know#and i found out that a page for him was made on the tdor website. there were a ton of details on what was happening#before and after his death#many things i didnt know about. because i was a shit friend and never kept contact. and also because he was secretivz#i feel awful since then. who was i to him. why couldnt i help him. why am i even sorry for myself. he was the one suffering#i keep crying and i cant sleep at night without reading comics until i feel too tired to open my eyes#because otherwise im thinking too much about him. its just too awful. too unjust#i have. weird cravings for alcohol. ive never even drinked much before. im scared of starting to get addicted#but sometimes i wanna get somethibg anything and just drink until i pass out since people say its good to forget#i wish he were still alive. i wish i could hug him and help him. i wish id visited him in the hospital after his 1st mental breakdown#he had sent me a text to tell me he was there but i had work and i was tired and honestly too lazy to go. and now i regret it so bad#its all so unfair. death is so unfair. grief is so unfair. i was afraid i had no heart before because people who died around me didnt#phase me much. i didnt cry. but now that ive experienced the deaths of 2 actually very close people counting one i couldnt grieve forproper#i just wish i had no emotions. that i wouldnt cry when i think of them. but especially him.#and i cant stop thinking about how awful ill be when my parents die. ill be a wreck.#im just crying in my bed and its 4am. everythibg sucks. im so sorry to everyone whos ever met me. im awful#negative /#death m /#suicide m /
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Guess who got covid 👍
#zara rambles#i feel so sick man ajdjdjd#ive actually just been sleeping all day#and it sucks so much sjdjd its like hot and then really cold#ive been showing symptoms all week but my test keeps coming back negative until this morning#i was gonna go back to school on Monday now i xant until Thursday sjdjd#going back to lying and suffering now 👍👍 /d
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Writer. Artist. Cosmetologist.