#internalized victim-blaming
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Domestic Arkham!Jason Todd Headcanons
Y’all ever think about the inherent tragedy of Arkham!Jason craving something as simple as domesticity?
How he craves the comfort of home-cooked meals, but can’t actually eat anything he hasn’t prepared himself. Because during his time in Joker’s captivity, almost everything he was served was either poisoned or rotten, and now every time he eats, it’s like he’s expecting the burn of poison or the flavor of something sour and rotten flooding his mouth.
Can you imagine the frustration he must feel at his inability to share a simple meal with you?
The sudden clench in his gut when he realizes that he wasn’t there to watch you prepare the food, and despite the fact that he trusts you, he can’t help that familiar dread rising in the back of his throat.
Jason tries, for you, he tries.
But there are times, more often than not, when he feels the phantom burn of poison or the flavor of something sour and rotten flooding his mouth–and his body reacts before his mind does.
And suddenly he’s hunched over the sink or the toilet, vomiting out half-digested food, and it’s almost like he never left Arkham Asylum.
Can you imagine the absolute burning jealousy he feels whenever his family interacts with you with an ease he can only dream of?
Maybe it’s a movie night, during one of those rare times when Gotham City didn’t need saving, and there’s Tim and Dick and Barbara piled on the couch. And you fit so well with them–a tangle of limbs and careless laughter at a dumb joke Dick made–that it’s Jason who feels like an outsider.
Jason sits apart from all of you, the only person to pick an armchair instead of the couch, because every time he tries to sit close to someone, all he can think is whether they’re close enough to see his scars.
The table is piled high with snacks, more than the five of you can realistically eat in an evening. There’s popcorn and pizza, mozzarella sticks and pretzels, several bars of chocolate that can only be found in Bludhaven, the air is thick with the smell of grease and cheese dust.
And it’s almost like being a teenager again. Before that night and the Joker and everything else that followed.
It’s almost like being a teenager again, dizzy with the good fortune of being adopted by Bruce fucking Wayne, watching some dumb flick with his siblings when he was supposed to be training. Ordering takeout food and laughing along with Dick at Alfred’s visible disappointment as they stuff their faces.
It’s almost like being a teenager again, but not quite.
Jason watches the four of you pass around a bowl of popcorn, arguing about which genre of movie to start with. But when Barbara tries to hand it to him, he feels a sudden clot of heat in his chest, and he’s already shaking his head before he even knows why.
And he realizes, he’s afraid.
He doesn’t know who made the food or what restaurant it was ordered from, and he is sure if he asks, no one would be able to give him all of the names of people who handled it.
The burn of poison and the taste of something sour and rotten flooding his mouth.
Poisoned cake and rotting rats. The writhing of pale white maggots against bone and glistening meat and gristle.
He doesn’t touch anything for the rest of the evening.
Can you imagine how scared he is?
Jason is so acutely, painfully aware of how exhausting it is to be with him. To be with someone you can’t even share a simple meal with.
And he wonders how long it will be before you get tired of him.
Bruce, after all, had left after he had seen the twisted thing Jason had become.
And if his own father couldn’t even stomach his presence–
And suddenly he’s hunched over again, over the sink or against the toilet, vomiting out half-digested food.
And it really is like he never left Arkham Asylum after all.
This is what he thinks, when he finally collapses on the tiles of your bathroom floor, cold sweat pouring down his face. Your presence hovering over him like a ghost, a thousand apologies pouring from your throat.
But it’s not you that’s the problem, it’s him.
It’s this awful thing in the back of his head, always expecting the next threat, the next injury, the next sick game the Joker has come up with.
It’s the fact that his days with the Joker had left him so twisted and strange that he can no longer fit into a normal life, even when he wants to.
And this is what he thinks, when you catch the way he is not watching the movie at all. But instead he is looking at his family’s faces, his chest pulsing with a jealousy so fierce it might as well have been his heartbeat.
Jason wishes–oh, how he wishes–it was that easy, that simple for him.
You disentangle yourself from his siblings–Dick had already fallen asleep, head lolling heavily on your shoulder, to pad your way to him. You sink down onto the armchair to share it with him, practically on top of him, and he marvels at the way your heat dispels the chill that has crept over him.
Your hands are small compared to his, but they are just big enough that when you lay them atop of his, he does not have to think about whether you can see the scars.
This is what he thinks, on days like these. It is something he always thinks, a small voice in the back of his head that is never silenced.
He doesn't deserve you.
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Thanks to @red--pirate for the idea!
#jason todd x reader#red hood x reader#arkham knight x reader#it's all right jason i've been eating the scented candles when no one is looking we're all a little weird#alexa play “my love is sick”#tw ptsd#tw poisoning#tw trauma#tw internalized victim blaming
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@radi0activesmile continued from here.
Alastor didn't understand. That didn't surprise Angel, really, but it did frustrate him. Alastor did not understand. He didn't understand how this worked, he didn't understand how Val worked, he didn't understand Angel's history with the other overlord. That wasn't surprising. But it was frustrating.
"Damnit, Al, that's not the point." The comment didn't come out sounding sharp or angry. Rather, there was just an unspeakable fatigue in Angel's voice. A sort of exhaustion that went clean to the bone. "I know what Val's like. I been wit' tha bastard fa' almost 50 years. Ya really think this's tha first time he's pulled this shit? Nah, babe. He's done this a few times. He gets pissed 'cause I'm gettin' too independent'r some shit, so he reminds me'a my place. I gotta go back, toe tha line a little, show 'im I've learned my lesson... He still ain't gonna be happy wit' me, but if I show 'im I rememba' who owns me, he'll leave me tha hell alone. Much as he eva' does, anyway."
Finally he looked up at Alastor. When he did, there was no anger in his expression. He just looked tired and stressed. "I don't want'cha involved. Not any more'n ya already are. I know ya ain't weak. That ain't tha point. I don't wanna be tha reason ya get hurt. I don't want'cha puttin' yerself in danger if ya don't gotta."
His miserable gaze dropped back to the bubbles. "'Sides, it's safa' fa' me, too. He'll just get pissed if I don't show. An' that'd basically be tellin' him I ain't learned a damn thing."
And that he might not survive. If Val thought he had lost control of Angel, the moth would kill him. It was that simple. He was much more valuable to Val alive, but not if Val couldn't control him.
"This ain't even tha worst thing he's eva' done." That comment was almost too quiet to hear. "'S betta' ta just keep 'im happy 'til we figuah out how ta get rid of him."
He didn't want to think about what else Val had done to him in order to maintain control. That was too much to think about, especially right now. He knew Alastor wouldn't like being told no. But it was safer to tell the stag no than to try to tell Val no.
So he would go back. He would go back and he would play his part and they would figure out how to kill the moth. But for now, he had to go back. Whether or not Alastor thought he should or not. This was not a fight he wanted to have, but it was also a risk he did not want to take.
#radi0activesmile#v: happy hazbin#cv: red bleeding blue#chained#tw: abuse#tw: violence#tw: rape#tw: assault#cw: abusive relationship mention#tw: internalized victim blaming#dead dove do not eat
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was there any development on the concepts of antoni burning himself while cooking or having the noncon revealed ?
no pressure though !!!! the current arc is Very Much Cool !! i am just the king of the antoni love club
CW: Burn whump, PTSD, referenced past noncon, implied victim-blaming
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"So I heard a thing today."
Antoni is already on edge. There's a bandage wrapped around his hand, covering the red smear burned just behind his knuckles. He'd reached out to grab something using a towel instead of an oven mitt. The press of his hand against the top of the oven had made him drop the finished salmon all over the floor. Even after cleaning and cleaning while his hand throbbed and his eyes stung with the memory of smoke, he still smells fish.
So when Kauri walks in and starts speaking, he can't quite stop the way his arms and legs lock in tension. He nods, though, looking down at the bandage.
The burn, slathered in antibiotic and a burn cream beneath the gauze and adhesive wrap, stings, prickles in time with his heartbeat. Soon enough, he thinks, it will start itching.
"What did you hear, Kasha?" He sounds tired, even to himself. Kauri, though, looks preoccupied, less observant than usual. Antoni watches through his fringe of dark hair as Kauri drops into a kitchen chair across from him, fingertips drumming a beat on the table top.
"I wasn't eavesdropping, first off," Kauri says.
Antoni smiles, a little wryly. "I did not ask if you were."
"No, I know, but... I just wanted to say." Kauri's wedding ring, the simple platinum band, catches the light on his left ring finger. Antoni glances down at where his own matching one peeks out just above the edge of the bandage wrap. "That I didn't eavesdrop. But... So. You know Jameson came over to see Allyn..."
"I do know that, yes. If they do not want to be heard, they will need to consider trying to be quiet."
Kauri laughs, throwing his head back, and Antoni watches the way his curls move wild around his face, the line of his throat in the yellowed kitchen lighting, with nothing short of adoration. "That's the fucking truth. But, no. I just heard them talking, is all. And Jameson was telling Allyn... Well." The smile fades from Kauri's face.
Antoni's does, too, in an echo of Kauri's sudden concern. "What?"
His fingers twitch. The kitchen smells like salmon and clove cigarettes and only one of those smells is real. Cologne lingers underneath, cologne he never smelled before Mr. Davies and has never smelled since either.
"Kasha-"
"Why didn't you tell us that it happened to you, too?"
Antoni freezes, inside and out. "What?"
"Jameson said you told him once that-... That it wasn't just the burns. That you were... Why didn't you tell Jake and I you were... That-"
"Because I was not." Antoni stands, abrupt enough to see Kauri catch himself in an instinctive wince backwards from the possibility of violence. There's guilt, but it's buried too deeply beneath the surge of-
Shame? Terror? Little more than a terrible exhaustion? He doesn't know what the feeling is. Maybe all of those things.
"Antoni-"
"It did not happen to me. He did not understand." His hand aches worse with each throb of his pulse. He can't breathe for the smoke. "It did not happen-"
"It did, though." Kauri stays where he is, hands flat on the table where Antoni can see them. "Didn't it? You told Jameson. Why didn't you tell me? Or, or Jake, or..."
Antoni's jaw works, and his teeth grind together. He closes his eyes and takes a deep, deep breath. Holds it until his lungs feel like they will burst. Exhales as slowly as he can and does it again.
"What occurred in that house," He says, carefully sounding out each word, fighting his body's rising shame and panic, "Is not for my life now."
He'll choke on the smoke and Mr. Davies's hands in his hair.
"Antoni, I-I didn't mean to hurt you by bringing it up but-"
"Mean to or not, you should not have. My wounds are mine, Kauri, not yours."
Kauri swallows, his eyes glimmering, but Antoni tells himself they are marbles, not love covering itself with tears in the face of his cold rejection. "I'm sorry," He whispers. "It's just-... I wondered why he knows but you didn't-"
"Because I do not care about him. And I cared about you."
Kauri's mouth opens. Closes again. He manages, in a whisper, "Cared? P-past tense?"
Antoni is silent, the seconds ticking away between them. "Kasha... Do not make this about your feeling. I cannot-... do that right now. Listen to me. Nothing happened, and what did, it was not the same-"
"No, because-... Because getting the shit burned out of you sucks but at least you weren't somebody's paid-for slut, huh?" It's Kauri's turn to stand.
Antoni groans. "Nyet, that is not what I mean-"
"Mean to or not," Kauri echoes his earlier words, mockingly, "That's what you just said!"
"That is not what I said!"
"I just want to know why you would tell someone else but not me or Jake, when we're, when we love you and we're supposed to know everything about each other!"
His whole arm aches now. Antoni's breath comes in gasps and his pulse pounds in his ears and temples, the rush of blood drowning out everything else. "You do not know me so well as you think."
"Clearly I don't!"
"Kauri, stop. Will you not just stop?! I do not want to hear your words right now!"
Kauri's jaw snaps shut.
"Thank you. I will say this. I told Jameson in confidence. And I did not tell you, or Jasha, and that was my choice not to tell. I am sorry it hurt you that you did not know. Do not ask me again."
"Ant-"
"I am ashamed of what was done to me. Is that not enough? Must you make it worse?"
"I-I didn't mean-... You don't have to be ashamed of-"
"Yes, I do! It was shameful!"
Kauri's face burns bright red. "Don't say that. I, I don't need to be ashamed-"
"Stop it! Stop. This is not about you. Not everything on earth is about you. This conversation ends now."
"Antoni-"
"I said it ends." Antoni walks away and leaves him there, knowing a sudden silence and absence will hurt Kauri far worse than any fight ever could. Knowing that his fears of being thrown aside for being difficult linger. Knowing that being abandoned or unwanted is the deepest terror Kauri can conceive of.
Knowing he is lashing out because he is drowning and he could ask for help or to be held and yet he swallows down apologies.
He walks away anyway.
His chest burns, and his hand aches, and he can feel a hand on the back of his head, a low voice in silk and whiskey whispering, take it deeper, love, you can do it. Choke on it.
Antoni whispers, "It did not happen, it did not happen to me, it did not happen, not to me, not to me-"
He goes into his room, locks the door, and falls into his bed, eyes closed. He hears, dimly, the sound of Kauri crying as he walks down the hall to the big bedroom, slamming the door himself.
He tells himself he doesn't care.
He feels the brush of smoke against his skin.
There's a good boy, love. A little deeper. Choke on what I've made you do.
Choke on who I'll make you hurt.
-
@burtlederp @finder-of-rings @endless-whump @astrobly @thefancydoughnut @newandfiguringitout @doveotions @pretty-face-breaker @gonna-feel-that-tomorrow @boxboysandotherwhump @oops-its-whump @cubeswhump @whump-tr0pes @downriver914 @whumptywhumpdump @whumpiary @orchidscript @nonsensical-whump @outofangband @eatyourdamnpears @hackles-up @grizzlie70 @mylifeisonthebookshelf @keeper-of-all-the-random-things @autophagay
#antoni sings lullabies#erase to control#whump#pet whump#box boy universe#bbu#box boy#intimate whumper#sadistic whumper#ptsd tw#trauma recovery#recovery whump#writing#internalized victim blaming
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I've seen a couple different people now complaining about the plethora of fics where Vox leaves an abusive Valentino and finds refuge and a healthy relationship in Alastor... Which just makes me want to write a story where Vox leaves an abusive relationship and Alastor takes in Vox but instead of rescuing him, he is instead just as abusive and manipulative albeit in different ways. Trading in sexual abuse for a different kind of toxic relationship.
#mostly because I enjoy discussions and depictions of bouncing between abusive relationships#escaping one abuser and then falling victim to another#the pattern of behavior is familiar‚ feels more authentic than anything else#the internalized victim blaming... the externalized victim blaming bc why do you keep doing this?#it's everything to me <- phrase i say about every toxic unhealthy thing i obsesse over#anyway. i do actually love the 'Vox escaping an abusive relationship and finding refuge and comfort in Alastor' theme in fics too#I'll read every one. or at least I'll give each one i find a shot and click on it to read#i. have far too many tabs open actually#oh shoot i should add a drama discourse tag to this#fandom wank#personal
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imagine having powers and being a killer in your nature and you cant even kill some powerful racist who got your business shut down after calling you the n with the hard r word when you first meet and who keeps degrading you and degrading you and degrading you
and you kill him, let that anger out and leave a message. and white men in town use that as an excuse to burn down the black community and kill black people in retaliation
and you cant do anything to help, you cant even die to assuage your guilt for leading to that retaliation. thats horrific to me. real horror right there
#black horror framework#interview with the vampire#iwtv meta#racism is genuine torture. imagine the guilt he feels despite it not being his fault at all#something something racism as abuse. as a hostage situation where it could have been some white guy who did it. the riot would still happen#internalized victim blaming. not engaging with humanity for years after.
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jokes aside idk how you can say team star is just another poorly written anti bullying psa when it’s singlehandedly got the most empathetic and kind approach to bullying victims that doesnt try to downplay what they went through and just tries to advocate for them
#you could argue that their more egotistical personalities and tendencies to lash out is just a result of that trauma and lack of support#echoed voice#but like its soooooo normalized for the victims to be demonized ESPECIALLY if they lash out#that when they started saying team star was getting bullied and had beaten them up i just groaned internally#cause i was expecting them to go on about how the victims were worse and were petty and vindictive and worse#but nope! theyre completely empathetic to the victims and dont like that it came down to violence but blame the system that pushed them that#that far without helping them
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Sunless Lives Part 35: I Need to Be With You
~1870 words
CW: internalized victim blaming
First, Previous, Next, Masterlist
~~~
Simon gave up on trying to communicate after that.
He blinked yes and no to his doctors, but didn’t respond to Matthew except to stare sadly. Matthew stayed by his side every moment he was allowed to, bringing him food once he could eat on his own, reading books to him, and encouraging him constantly with gentle words.
I love you. You’re worth it. You can do this. I love you.
When he was kicked out for Simon’s physical therapy, speech therapy, or tests, he spent the rest of his time with Gina. While with her Matthew made calls to lawyers about Simon’s conservatorship. Eventually he heard back from one.
“I pulled the records from the courthouse,” she informed him, “Simon McKenna’s conservatorship was temporary. It lasted 90 days, and ended early March.”
Matthew thanked her and hung up the phone in a daze. Yet another thing Isles had lied to Simon about. Had lied to everyone about, to keep Simon under his control. It made Matthew feel sick - especially combined with the previous news from Amber. The broken vase in Simon’s room had been analyzed. Blood on the shards matched Isles, and a head wound they found on him. Fingerprints on the vase matched Simon. The VIU’s current theory: Simon had a mental break and attacked Isles. The vampire took advantage of the confusion.
“Is that what you think?” Matthew had asked her.
“...No.” she admitted. “But there’s no official proof of their previous relationship, they never self-reported to HR. It’s hard to suggest… other theories. At the very least, there’s not enough evidence to charge him with anything.”
Matthew thought back to Simon’s letter, as he often did.
I keep… Tempting people.
I didn’t mean to give him the wrong idea.
“Thanks, Amber.”
Gina was outraged by all of it, and shared several choice words about Isles before demanding to see Simon herself. With her doctor’s permission, she wincingly got out of bed and into a wheelchair, and Matthew pushed her one-handedly to Simon’s room.
Simon refused to look at her. Gina silently cried.
Refusing to waste her time out of bed, Gina asked Matthew to take her outdoors. On their way out they passed the handful of armed VIU agents that lingered outside of Simon’s room at all times. The VIU was taking Simon’s safety very seriously. It put Simon’s future on Matthew’s mind - where would he go after this? Where would he be safe?
Gina was having similar thoughts, as she spoke up soon after Matthew had parked her next to a bench outside the hospital and sat down.
“Do you think the VIU will take Simon back?”
Matthew sighed.
“I don’t know. I think his reputation there has been destroyed - Amber told me Isles would take Simon into work with him and wouldn’t let him talk at all.”
“Do we know how many are left on his list?”
“Yeah. Ten, Amber says. But without Isles pushing for them to be taken down first, they’re unlikely to be caught anytime soon.”
“And Amber’s not interim Captain anymore, so she can’t do anything,” Gina huffed. “Listen… I did some research of my own, and there are mental health facilities on the west coast that claim to be impervious to vampires.”
“No,” Matthew shook his head immediately, “I’m not putting him back in a facility. Even if it’s a nice one, even if it’s a perfect one, I can’t do that to him.”
“Yeah, no, I get that. I just thought I’d throw it out there.”
“Thanks.”
“Hey,” she reached out and took his hand, “We’ll figure something out.”
“I actually…” Matthew hesitated, “I actually have another idea, but… it’s kind of crazy.”
Gina smiled.
“Tell me.”
~~~
After returning Gina to her room, Matthew went back to Simon’s and sat. Simon had his face turned away from him, looking out the window.
“Isles lied about your conservatorship,” he said, deciding not to beat around the bush, “It was temporary. It ended back in March. You can do whatever you want now.”
Simon slowly turned his head to look at Matthew. Matthew couldn’t read his expression.
“Really?”
Matthew almost jumped out of his skin. Simon’s voice was a small, hoarse whisper.
“You can talk?” Matthew asked excitedly, a smile spreading over his face.
Simon glanced away, slightly embarrassed.
“I got the green light today. Only for a little while, though.”
“That’s great, I…” Matthew shook his head in near-disbelief. “Why didn’t you say anything to Gina?”
“She helped put me in Summerwhite,” Simon said defensively.
“No, she didn’t!” Matthew shook his head, “She was the first to argue against the conservatorship, and Isles fired her for it.”
“Oh… Oh no.” Simon closed his eyes, cringing.
“You didn’t know,” Matthew realized, “Of course you didn’t, why would Isles let you know you had another ally.”
“I need to apologize to her.”
“I’ll bring her back, I will. But first, I… need to run an idea by you.”
“Okay?” Simon glanced at him, apprehensive.
“It’s just an idea,” said Matthew, “And it might be way too much for you, I don’t know how you’re feeling about me right now. And I want you to really think about it, because it’s a huge decision. But… all of the vampires still after you are here in the states. It would be difficult for them to get out, and even more difficult for them to get into a more vigilant country. So,” Matthew sat up straighter, “I’ve been looking into claiming my Italian citizenship.”
Matthew let that sit for a moment before continuing.
“I have a claim to it. My mother would help me. And if I became an Italian citizen,” his words came out in a rush, “You could marry me and we could move there.”
Simon stared at him for a long moment in disbelief.
“You want me to marry you?” he rasped.
“I really, really, do.” Matthew reached out and stroked Simon’s hair. “I know this is out of the blue, but I want to take care of you forever. I don’t care if you’ll always need my help. You’re worth it, and I will keep telling you that until you believe it.”
Simon’s eyes shone with tears.
“Promise?” he whispered.
“Promise,” said Matthew firmly.
Simon slowly smiled, his chin wobbling.
“We haven’t even kissed, since… everything.”
“We don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Matthew assured him.
“I… I do want to,” Simon said, “I want to do all of it, I want it back.”
“I do, too,” Matthew grinned.
“Okay,” Simon whispered, tears finally escaping over his smiling cheeks, “Yeah, I’ll marry you.”
“Wait, wait!” Matthew backtracked, “This is like, three life-changing decisions in one, I really want you to think about it first -”
“I don’t need to,” Simon shook his head, “I don’t need to think about it. Please, kiss me?”
Matthew nearly leaped out of the chair but slowed as he leaned over the bed, lowering his lips carefully and softly onto Simon’s. As soon as they touched Simon craned his neck up to kiss Matthew as hard as he could. The kiss tasted like salty tears. They stayed like that for a long moment, before Simon’s shoulders started to twinge and he dropped back onto the pillow. Matthew sat back down, resting a hand on Simon’s head - but he froze when he saw Simon’s expression was sorrowful again.
“What’s wrong?” Matthew asked urgently.
“I just.. I’m sorry,” Simon croaked.
“What for?”
The shame bubbled up uncontrollably.
“You shouldn’t… You shouldn’t be asking to marry me, I should be begging you to stay after everything I did.” His already small voice shrank into a thin wheeze. “I did all these things, and now you…”
Matthew shook his head.
“No. I know you haven’t told me about everything that happened, but I have an idea, and I don’t think you did anything wrong. I don’t know what you’re thinking about yourself - but you know what? I can guess. And I don’t think that you’re broken, or stupid, or ruined, or anything like that. I think you’re incredible.” He brushed his fingers through Simon’s hair. “I wish you could see yourself the way I do.”
Simon managed a half-smile.
“Did you watch a training video for that?”
Matthew laughed a little.
“Actually, I’ve been reading your books. Gina and my dad put all our stuff in a storage locker, and now I have some of it at his place. I kind of… needed some of your books about trauma.”
Simon frowned at him, worried.
“You said they never hurt you at the rehab.”
Matthew shook his head.
“They didn’t, but,” he shifted uncomfortably, “I was traumatized by the vampire I was, too. I have to live with all these memories of hurting you, and sometimes I have flashbacks.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Simon demanded, his voice wheezing.
“I didn’t want you to think you were hurting me.”
“No. You have to tell me when I’m hurting you.”
Matthew blinked, finding his old appeal turned around on him.
“Okay,” he agreed easily, “I promise. I’ll tell you.”
~~~
Six months later, Simon watched Matthew hug his father goodbye in the Dulles International Airport, clinging and sniffling and then dragging himself away. Simon felt the pangs in his own heart. Anything Matthew felt, Simon found himself feeling a fraction of - that’s love, he thought. That’s what that means.
Matthew thinks I’m worth it.
He knew Matthew could sense his anxiety, too, as they made their way through the crowded airport. Simon could walk with a cane, but canes weren’t allowed past security, so Matthew pushed Simon in an airline wheelchair.
Matthew doesn't think I’m ruined.
He hoped Matthew could feel his joy as well, when they took off. Simon had never flown before, and Matthew had snagged him a window seat. Simon stayed glued to the porthole, watching the sea pass below them until they were overtaken by the night.
Matthew thinks I deserve good things.
The Frankfurt International Airport was a hectic stampede of people that Matthew pushed Simon through with admirable stoicism, onto their final flight. They disembarked in Catania, Italy in a dream-like stupor, dragging their feet towards the baggage claim. They waited for their luggage at the carousel, Matthew swaying as he stood next to Simon’s chair.
Matthew thinks I’m worth it.
Finally they spotted their bags and after retrieving them Matthew dug out Simon’s collapsible cane. Just as Simon was standing they heard a voice cut through the crowd.
“Matty!”
Matthew turned and waved.
“Mamma!”
Ginevra, Matthew’s mother, hurried through the crowd towards them, all coppery curls and flowing calicos. She embraced Matthew tightly, then held her arms out towards Simon.
“Let me see my son-in-law!”
Simon let her hug him. It felt nice. He greeted her in his new, permanently husky voice.
Matthew thinks I deserve good things.
In the car, Simon watched through the window as Matthew and Ginevra chatted to each other in alternating Italian and English. He made a silent vow to himself.
All the things that Matthew believes about me?
I will believe them too.
I will believe them someday.
Because Matthew is always right.
Because Matthew is the only one.
~~~
First, Previous, Next, Masterlist
Taglist: @flowersarefreetherapy, @pigeonwhumps, @sunshiline-writes, @seasaltandcopper, @pirefyrelight, @thecyrulik
#whump#whump fic#whump writing#sunless lives#sunless lives arc 4#whump aftermath#cw internalized victim blaming#cw victim blaming
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seeing people go on about how naive and foolish and blind and stupid utena is and i’m just sitting here like. she’s 14! i disagree strongly with the idea that utena is willfully or maliciously ignorant. like yes, while i think she does often fail to fully comprehend whats happening (especially in the last arc) she’s also finding herself in increasingly horrifying and new situations with no point of reference for how abnormal it all is?? she is doing her very best to make sense of things as a 14 year old child who has no parental figures or guardians, no friends who aren’t also somehow in on the manipulation happening to her, nowhere to go outside of ohtori. and that is on top of trying to navigate her experiences and identity as a queer and gnc person!!!! i feel like folks are wildly overestimating the comprehension the average closeted teenage lesbian has of systematic heteropatriarchiarcal cycles of abuse! she’s literally 14!!! save the scorn for the willfully ignorant for akio
#idk. ig it feels a little victim blamey to me?#not saying it Is that just that it Feels that way#i think the self-blame she experiences for failing to realize sooner is at least IMO internalized victim blaming#anthy and utena both blame themselves for shit that is fundamentally Not Their Faults#theyre each like wow im a horrible person for getting caught up in this cycle of violence and dragging this person i care for down with me#when like#idk yall i think the problem deserving of scorn is the teenager fight club run by a serial r*pist 💀#THIS IS just my opinion i would love to know other ppls perspectives#this isnt vagueing anyone i just see that sorta take a lot and im like#idk! its not a Wrong interpretation or anything but it just rubs me the wrong way#idk maybe i just see a Lot of my younger self in utena akhejshsjs#& ive been thru this sort of situation where bad shit is happening to u and u dont know its bad because you have zero frame of reference#utena tenjou#rgu meta#rgu spoilers#rgu#revolutionary girl utena
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"You're not awful! They're wrong!" But what if I am. What if they're right. What if I'm abhorrent for existing. What if I really AM a parasite. What if I really AM inherently volatile. What if I really HAVE BEEN ruined. What if I truly, TRULY am a monster.
Would you still love me?
And even if you wouldn't, don't I still deserve to exist?
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I hate the idea that Leonardo DiCaprio is secretly gay and people immediately jump to internalized homophobia when it’s clear again and again that he’s simply just a predator that preys on essentially “just recently legal” girls where they are old enough to be somewhat socially acceptable to date a middle aged man and will only get comments of the big age gap, but no one can legally do anything about it because they are technically adults, and then coincidentally dumps them before they turn 25.
I hate the completely false idea that technically legal adults can’t be groomed because that’s not true AT ALL. He just has an age/youth fetish and dumps the women once they age out of his preferred bracket.
You really wanna hide behind the “legality” argument? I guarantee you that if the legal age was 16, you would see him consistently date 16 year olds if he could. The only thing stopping him is the law.
He met and was “hanging out” with Camila Morrone and her family when she was a literal CHILD at 10-12 years old and watched her grow up.
#just my thoughts#leonardo dicaprio#I hate when people blame internalized homophobia#when it’s literally just predatory behavior#and YES adults can be victims of predatory behavior
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"wow how pathetic it is of a man who isn't much of a fighter to be afraid and want to live in the middle of aggressors invading his lands"
WHY WON'T U JUST GIVE UP AND STOP DEFENDING YOUR LANDS THAT WE'RE INVADING AND ATTACKING ON TOP OF YOU LITERALLY DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO US
#DCB Three Hopes Run#i care for you dearly monica but this just ain't it#at the time of posting this I've cleared most of the maps in the game on all difficulties#save for a chunk of AG's stuff which the lead up maps I'm still going through#and am not sure if I plan to finish the maddening ones during my next full playthrough#but boy am I enjoying being out of the victim blaming zone. I don't mind the chapters that are like#internal struggles like Ludwig or the returning to Enbarr assassination attempt chapter#but it's when it gets into all the Kingdom/Church (and somewhat Alliance) stuff that it just feels gross to me#SB wouldn't have been all that bad probably at all if it focused on Edelgard versus#internal strife in Adrestia and fighting TWS bc those chapters are all fine???#literally like any chapters not revolving around the conquest aspect are fine#but then you get dumb shit lines like these that remind me why I hate Edelgard's routes#and it's not just that I don't like her as a person/character but also like the way the narrative itself tries to#frame the whole victim blaming as being correct and the right thing and the right side and stuff#like at least admit as part of the immediate narrative that the victim blaming just ain't cool#have like idk Ferdinand say something abt it (but ig he can't bc Hopes reduced him to yet another Edelsimp)#don't try to frame it as lol yeah they're ACTUALLY shitty ppl for defending their home from aggressors invading#posting this in the dead of the morning bc i wanna bring it up but also like#fewer ppl on at this time lol it's just smth that rly frustrates me bc SB had potential and they squandered most of it
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I continue to be normal about giving Mikey my trauma: the fic. Tw for CSA and grooming, internalized victim blaming, and general angst
https://archiveofourown.org/works/51698293
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rise of the tmnt#rottmnt mikey#tmnt#tmnt mikey#rise mikey#tw CSA#tw rape#tw grooming#tw internalized victim blaming#internalized victim blaming
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Whumpmas in July Day 17: What trope do you adore that you wish there was more love for?
Outcast Whumpees! Especially whumpees whose outcast status isn’t their fault and is based on a morally neutral characteristic, but that people often treat as a sign or a result of a personal failing.
Examples of this include:
Whumpees who aren’t conventionally attractive.
Fat whumpees.
Whumpees coded as lower-class.
Neurodivergent whumpees who most others read as “weird” or “difficult” or even “scary” rather than sympathetic.
Gender-nonconforming whumpees.
There’s a lot of ways that this can make someone’s existence extra-whumpy, such as:
Whump justified as being “for their own good,” such as forced medical treatment/drugging, nonconsensual body modification, or food deprivation.
Humiliation, including from unsympathetic bystanders.
Outsiders believing the much more attractive, charismatic, and/or polished Whumper over the Whumpee if Whumpee ever complained or tried to escape.
Whumper gaslighting Whumpee into believing that no one else would want or care for them.
Heroes treating a minor or redeemable villain whumpee as not worth saving because of the stigmatized trait.
If forced to choose between several whumpees, a would-be Caretaker leaves the outcast Whumpee behind.
…Or a Reluctant Whumper chooses Whumpee as the most acceptable target.
Internalized prejudice, including that which predates the whump in a story, enough for Whumpee to feel that their suffering is deserved, or the best someone like them can hope for.
Recovery arcs where a (good) Caretaker fully accepts Whumpee for who and what they are… and will fight anyone who does otherwise.
#wij day 17#whumpmasinjuly#wij2022#outcast whumpee#ugly whumpee#fat whumpee#disabled whumpee#neurodivergent whumpee#nonconsensual drugging#food deprivation#bad caretaker#psychological whump#emotional whump#internalized prejudice#humiliation whump#victim blaming#hurt comfort#abandonment#betrayal#nonconsensual body modification#medical whump#tw sizeism#tw ableism#tw fatphobia#tw classism#tw disordered eating
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five's character suddenly makes a lot more sense when you look at it as a metaphor for a kid indoctrinated into an abusive evangelical church, who has been convinced that hell is real.
[longpost, talk of religious abuse--mainly the evangelical christian variety--after the cut.]
he's convinced that everyone who doesn't comply with the church's rules will go there; that leaving won't save you, because hell will be waiting for you in the end; and that everyone who claims to believe differently is lying and knows better, they're just pretending they don't because they don't like the idea of acknowledging authority in the time they have before hell catches up to them. and as much as he's been taught to be self-righteous and unsympathetic about people who '''choose''' hell, in practice he's the kid who goes around trying to have the 'so have you accepted jesus into your heart' speech with everyone he even remotely cares about, and won't back off about it even though it goes over Absolutely Fucking Terribly and he's being an asshole, because if he doesn't get them to convert when (he thinks) there's any chance they might have done so they will go to hell and it will be his fault.
and like, this adds a lot of layers to his hatred of nine and what he thinks (and in some ways is correct 🙃) that he stands for. but one of the big ones is that as far as he's concerned, nine can and will snipe people to send them to hell out of spite for converting to save themselves. one of the things that made him hate him so much--decide he Needs and Deserves to Die--is that he was told sandor made the decision to comply with the mogs because it was the Smart Thing to Do... and that nine punished him for it by murdering him brutally. and that given half the chance nine would do it to him.
for all he's been indoctrinated to value Having Power Over Other People and Deserving It Because You're Special, at heart five has major just world fallacy going on because he desperately wants to believe that everyone can be safe, and happy, and understand each other. that all that needs to happen for them to have that is to make the right choice. he doesn't actually believe the mogs are inherently Superior; he thinks they have the same fair shot as everyone else and that the only difference is that they will take that shot, and are honest that they're doing so.
whereas what is one of the other big things he hates nine for? the one that fills him with so much rage he has to stop reading about him? the idea that nine is inherently superior to him and the others, and deserves a better life, regardless of any choice they ever could have made.
he's told that the elders saved nine for last because he was strongest, and that the earlier numbers were cannon fodder because they were weak. he's told that he and the lower numbers were forced into hiding, made to suffer, to buy nine a little more time. and he's told that in the event he managed to survive that far, he would be nine's inferior--his servant--because he's a lower number.
five talks about how he's superior and deserves to rule everyone else because he has 'potential,' but it's not about how powerful he is because of his legacies; it's that he thinks he's willing to make the right choice. he thinks the idea of treating someone like they don't have a right to that choice because they're inherently worth less than others is absolutely fucking repugnant. and where the mogs get him is by twisting his idea of what constitutes Everyone Being Happy so far that they convince him their cause, which is doing exactly what he hates most, is the one that's fair.
add onto that that he's terrified of the idea that you can in fact just be completely fucked no matter what choices you make, and just gets more and more invested in coping via denial the clearer it becomes that he is the one who is utterly royally fucked no matter what he does, and... well, you get some real unfortunate end results to say the least. but like, that's where he's coming from.
so to wrap this back around to the evangelism metaphor: if you believe what five believes, the idea of someone being willing and able to do what nine does by sending someone to hell regardless of their own choice would be Existentially Horrifying to begin with! but it also goes against one of five's deepest core beliefs, both reasonable and Unfortunate Coping with Trauma. and when you pile that on top of the immense suffering he's gone through over it, the result is going to be visceral burning hatred.
anyway this post is already Long and i've got a lot more thoughts in me about it, but suffice it to say five absolutely is a metaphor for evangelical trauma, and how victims get weaponized into extensions of their church's abuse. and it's an evangelical survivor's nightmare, because the version of hell he's been taught to base his entire worldview around fearing is objectively real. 🥲
(the real smoking gun here? not only is the Great Book a really obvious analogy for the bible, but the name is a retcon. what was it called before that, while he's evangelizing about it no less?)
(the Good Book.)
(welp.)
#lorien legacies#LL number five#LL number nine#LL sandor#LL tag#cws in post#looking back at the characters and parts of the worldbuilding i got most invested in back in the day i am seeing a Pattern#and that pattern is called It's Religious Trauma All the Way Down#on both an individual and community level#the mogadorians and five /could/ have been a really good raw painful narrative about the grief; ugliness; and difficulty holding onto hope#for the culture you grew up in and the people who escaped it and the people who haven't and the people you couldn't help#and for the people who never wanted any part of it to begin with and are having to suffer for your community's systemic upfuck#it's why rereads have left me increasingly soured on adam; and made me appreciate rex more despite his own moral dubiousness#i thought adam represented grief and hope for the culture and community that traumatized you while refusing to go back to them#and instead he represented violent dehumanizing fuck-you-got-mine hatred and victim-blaming for Every Other Victim#instead of 'i recognize that the work of engaging with the community to help the victims inside of it is important and worthwhile'#'but i cannot be the one to do it because i cannot and will not have that community in my life anymore; therefore i will focus my efforts#on helping and protecting people who are targeted by the community from the outside when internal damage control isn't enough'#his narrative was to pull the ladder up after him; then torture every other survivor for the rest of their existence to atone for their sin#which...... hmmmmm....... sounds familiar..............#whereas rex represents being able and willing to go back into the burning building as many times as he needs to#because there are children in there#anyway. subject for another post#dyn: lost boys#dyn: but i'm helping you anyway
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this is kind of out of the blue i guess but i hate how fe3h normalized student x teacher ships SOOO much. seeing people claim edeleth or claudeleth or dimileth aren't problematic is just like 🤨 it's a 17 year old student with their 21 year old TEACHER. the most ridiculous argument i've heard is that the power imbalance doesn't exist because all 3 of the lords are members of the nobility while byleth is a commoner which is so silly ??
lmfaooo dont apologize i always get complaining about fe fans. people just think power imbalances work like algebra and they cancel each other out like "uu this person is a minor but theyre a powerful noble/king/whatever the fuck so it doesnt count and they can consent to this poor meow meow uwu adult with no power" literally die idc 🤷🏽♀️exact same people who will argue with a straight face that ambr hrd abused jhnny dpp despite his obvious power imbalance
atp i honestly dont give a shit about getting into 3h discourse, i just block those kinda people and go, but i super get the frustration of what you're saying because pulling out arguments with harmful irl implications to defend a fictional anime ship is so beyond vile idek how they're still doing it in 2023. "this kid has the power to do something about their grooming but they never do so clearly its not grooming therefore dmlth good :)" is fucking stupid like. how many victims were in a similar position where they could have done something to stop their abuse and didnt because they were protecting their abuser/didnt recognize the abuse at all?? like ship your bad taste great value reyIo if you want but leave irl survivors out of it omgggggg its just irresponsible to repeat this kinda rhetoric no matter what the context of the conversation is (yes even dumb anime ship discourse. hello)
#ask#also not that in-universe lore matters either bc the whole victim blaming discourse is the main thing here#but im pretty sure its mentioned at some point that garreg mach is neutral political ground#which makes perfect sense bc otherwise thered be a bunch of mini international incidents every day over literal 16 year olds???#people who think edelgard or dimitri could cut off byleth's head with zero consequences from rhea and the church#are just dumb. genuinely just dumb and with zero idea of how politics work
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Sunless Lives Part 34: I Need to Apologize
~1730 words
CW: internalized victim blaming, aftermath of whump, medical setting, restraints, negative self-talk, derogatory language
First, Previous, Next, Masterlist
~~~
Dear Matthew,
I’m sorry. Everything is my fault. You were right. I should have done what you wanted. Instead I keep inviting people to hurt me. Tempting people. I’ve realized that I’m just not very smart. I never finished highschool. I’ve been hit in the head too many times. I will always make bad decisions that put myself and the people around me in danger.
I’ve decided to leave. I don’t want you to look for me. I’m not killing myself. I don’t want to die. I never wanted to die. I don’t know what happened but I never tried to kill myself, I know that. So please don’t worry about me. I’m not worth it. You made the right decision, leaving me. You should have done that sooner.
I’m not loyal. I’m not a good person. I think I can only survive when someone else is telling me what to do. But I don’t want to burden you with that anymore. You deserve better and I know you don’t want it.
Please tell Christian I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to give him the wrong idea.
Simon
~~~
Simon drifted back into his body slowly, in a fuzz of dulled pain that settled deep into his bones. A machine beeped rhythmically next to him and someone huffed and sighed.
Matthew?
Simon’s eyes flew open, and were stung by a panel of light in the ceiling. He tried to lift a hand to shield himself from the glare, but found he couldn’t move his arms. He flicked his eyes downwards. His body was covered by a thin blanket, but something underneath compressed his arms and held them crossed over his chest like a corpse about to be buried. Carefully placed pillows immobilized his legs as well. Something ticked his face and nose.
He turned his head, just a little, and his heart leapt when he saw Matthew out of the corner of his eye. Matthew sat in a chair next to Simon’s bed, hunched over a laptop. His right arm was in a sling and cast, and his neck was swaddled in bandages.
Are you okay? Simon opened his mouth to ask, but all that came out was a wheeze of air as his throat painfully flexed, his vocal chords straining but achieving nothing.
The small sound made Matthew look up sharply, and relief and joy flooded his face.
“Simon!” He set aside the laptop and stood, leaning over the bed so that Simon could see him more easily. “Don’t talk, okay? Don’t talk, you…” His smile changed, and became a little pitying. “Your throat is pretty messed up. All of you, actually.”
How did - ?
The memories crashed over him. Bowers. The warehouse.
The pipe.
The beeping of the monitor sped up. Simon would have whimpered if he could have. Matthew’s smile vanished and was replaced with deep concern.
“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay, we got to you in time, you’re going to be okay,” he said, his hand hovering over Simon’s chest, “Gina and I came after you, we tracked your friend Nora’s smartwatch right to you. We faced Bowers alone and… it didn’t go well, but then he bit me,” Matthew continued quickly as Simon’s eyes widened, “And because I’d taken the cure, my blood turned him. He’s dead now, and Amber arrived in time to get everyone to the hospital. Gina’s going to be okay too, she has a ruptured spleen and a bad concussion but she’ll be okay. We’re all going to be okay, Simon.” His voice grew wobbly towards the end, and he smiled at Simon with tears in his eyes.
Simon just stared at him, overwhelmed. Gratitude. Guilt. Relief. Shame.
Matthew doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
Matthew doesn’t want to be with you anymore, and he still put his life on the line for you. Nearly died for you.
(You’re not worth it.)
He found tears pricking his own eyes and his shoulders jerked with a suppressed sob.
“Hey hey, don’t move,” Matthew warned gently, “They immobilized your arms because both of your shoulders are all messed up. You shouldn’t try to move anything, actually, they - they had to do a lot of work, on your leg and your hips. They had to put in a whole bunch of pins and rods and things. And they’re bringing in a specialist to look at your throat. He’s supposed to be here later today. They’re not… They’re not sure, how… You’ve got a feeding tube, for now, down your nose. I hope it’s not bothering you.”
Simon forced shuddering breaths in and out. The straps around his arms felt like they were suffocating him. His eyes darted around the room wildly.
“Oh, I was thinking about how to do this…” Matthew left his side, and rolled a tray table over to the bed. He lifted his laptop onto it, and pulled up a morse code chart.
“Only if you're up for it,” Matthew looked at him, at the ready with a hospital-branded notepad on the table and a pen held awkwardly in his left hand.
Simon’s eyes flitted over the chart.
He could ask about Christian.
He’s dead.
He could ask what Matthew was doing there.
He probably feels obligated.
He could ask why Gina and Amber had helped rescue him.
They probably felt guilty for putting me in Summerwhite.
Eventually he just shut his eyes, and turned his face back towards the ceiling. It was all useless. He had nothing to ask, and nothing to say. No words, especially not words spelled out letter by letter, could explain how he was feeling about Matthew right now. Grateful he was here. Terrified that he was going to tell Simon to his face that they were done. Angry that he hadn’t done that in the first place.
“Oh, that’s okay.” Matthew couldn’t hide his disappointment.
Simon listened as Matthew moved the chair closer to the bed and sat down. The silence stretched, and Simon could feel Matthew building up his nerve. He finally spoke.
“Simon, I need to tell you something.”
Simon’s eyes snapped open.
What now?
“Christian is dead. Bowers killed him.”
It was only confirmation of what Simon already knew. His face crumpled, and he turned away from Matthew as best he could. His shoulders shook painfully.
“I’m sorry, Simon,” Matthew said softly, “I’m so sorry.”
Matthew reached out and rested a hand on Simon’s short, fuzzy hair. The touch made Simon expel a gasp. It felt so good to finally be touched by Matthew again. He was scared for a moment that Matthew would misinterpret his reaction and pull away, but the hand stayed, heavy and comforting.
“I also… Simon, I read your letter.”
Simon screwed his eyes shut.
Oh no.
“I’m sorry you feel like I left you, I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I love you.”
Simon was frozen for a moment, then twisted his head to gaze at Matthew with tearful disbelief.
No, Christian said…
Simon’s eyes found the morse code chart and he frantically started blinking.
“Woah, slow down!” Matthew leaned forward, grinning. His smile faded as he transferred Simon’s message onto the notepad, painfully slow with only the use of his non-dominant hand.
I. S. L. E. S. A. Y. U. L. E. F. T. M. E.
Matthew muttered the message to himself a couple times before sitting bolt upright, outraged.
“That’s not what happened! I was with you, I helped him bring you to his home, I was going to stay and help, but he kicked me out and got a restraining order. Simon, I was doing everything I could to see you.”
Oh.
Christian lied.
The revelation of this new layer of betrayal sent the heart monitor racing again. Simon’s chest rose and fell rapidly, and he opened his mouth - he needed to speak, to curse, to scream. He could feel his throat tensing and flexing and trying and all he could make was a terribly painful rasp.
“Simon, Simon, it’s okay!” Matthew cast aside the pen and notepad and settled his hand back on Simon’s head. “Breathe slow, it’s okay, I’m here now. I’m here now. And I’m - I’m so sorry, Simon, I’m so sorry -”
Matthew abruptly burst into tears of his own.
“This is all my fault, not yours, Simon, I let them take you away from me and you were right, you should never have gone to Fort Summerwhite!”
Simon stared at him in shock. Matthew babbled on.
“I know they did something terrible to you there, and Isles too, because this?” Matthew stood, pulling the yellow paper out of his pocket and waving it at Simon. “This isn’t you! You’re smart, and you’re capable, and you didn’t ask for any of this. You don’t deserve any of this, and I’m so, so sorry for everything that I said to you, Simon, there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re not an idiot, and, and…”
Simon couldn’t respond, couldn’t argue, as Matthew ranted.
“And you think you're not loyal? Simon, you’ve never betrayed me, not once! I know you think you did, I know something bad happened at Summerwhite, with an orderly, but if they were forcing you then that was abuse, not cheating!” The letter crumpled in Matthew’s grip, “And, and, you’re not a bad person! You sacrificed yourself to save me and the team from Peacock, and you stayed with me after I became a vampire so that I wouldn’t hurt innocent people! Simon, you…” Matthew sank back into the chair, searching Simon’s face. He looked exhausted. Scared.
“What happened that made you think about yourself like this?” he pleaded.
When did I realize I was stupid?
When they told me so.
Reeder. “Dumb fucking slut.” “Stupid whore.” “Stupid fucking bloodbag.” Every other day, for weeks.
Dr Deckard. “Your irrational tendencies stretch back far.” “Let’s work on making better decisions.” Twice a week, for months.
Christian. Not with his words, but his actions. He took over my life. He doesn’t believe I’m capable of anything except lying and hurting myself.
Didn’t. Didn’t believe.
And then…
“I hurt you, you fucking idiot!”
You only needed to say it once.
The tears overflowed and ran across Simon’s turned face and spilled onto the pillow. He needed to apologize for disappointing Matthew. For turning out like this. But he couldn’t move. Couldn’t talk. He was useless.
Useless.
Useless.
~~~
First, Previous, Next, Masterlist
Taglist: @flowersarefreetherapy, @pigeonwhumps, @sunshiline-writes, @seasaltandcopper, @pirefyrelight
#whump#whump fic#whump writing#sunless lives#sunless lives arc 4#cw internalized victim blaming#aftermath of whump#cw medical setting#cw restraints#cw negative self-talk#cw derogatory language
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