#inhales. i am so god damn unlikeable i get so fucking sad seeing everyone have their own circles of friends i want to die
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#inhales. i am so god damn unlikeable i get so fucking sad seeing everyone have their own circles of friends i want to die#i wish i wasn’t the worst person alive i wish i wasn’t so bitter and jealous but i can’t handle the loneliness honestly like being dead woul#hurt less. i feel outcast and like everyone is throwing me to the side on purpose. i feel like i’m living through a punishment#i deserve it if that’s the case... i’ve done enough wrong. that’s why i can’t be close#i have to remind myself my feelings don’t matter and me being lonely is just a monster of a person crying like he even deserves to#it’s sad lmao.#and i’m too mentally ill to ever have friends i know now. i’m too crazy and i never open up ever. what else do i expect#but it feels like anyone i know who is also mentally ill isn’t this fucking freak of nature like i am#i stick out and i leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouths and most of all. man i just. i can’t take it if this is what life is#i CANNOT bear this loneliness even slightly. i’m scared of myself. i want to stop my breathing#i still feel like i did when i was 16#trapped and receding into myself. i’ll never feel okay#how am i supposed to cope when i’m acutely aware everyone fucking hates me
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Is there gonna be a third part for Deserved It🥺
Deserve You+#
Word count:1.7k
A/N: Everyone say thank youu anon for reminding me lmaoo. This was supposed to be posted tomorrow but I got excited soo
“Pete, please just let me explain.” You whimpered, your voice and spirit growing weak. It felt hopeless, like maybe you really had lost him for good.
Your fist knocked lightly against the wood of the hotel room door, the sound reverberating down the silent hallway. Anxiety filled you, this wasn’t your first time knocking. You had been here for fifteen minutes and were completely unsuccessful so far.
You were pleasantly surprised when you heard fumbling from inside, not expecting them to answer. When the door swung open you were met with the sight of Colson towering over you, an unimpressed glare being shot your way
“He can’t hear you, he’s in the shower. Now stop, you’re pissing me off.”
“Please.”
“What do you want?” The question was more of a statement, letting you talk only to get you to leave.
“Is he okay?” You ask, sniffling.
“What the fuck do you think?”
“Please, I just wanna make it better.“ You plead
“Then go the fuck home.” He replies, shutting the door halfway before opening it again “And stop fucking knocking.” He adds, shutting the door in your face. Sighing, your back slides down the door, admitting defeat.
As you sat in the all too quiet hallway you found yourself wondering if maybe it meant more than you would like to admit. Maybe Colson was right, would you have kissed Shawn if he had never walked in? Would you have even ever told Pete if you did? Would you even regret it?
Tears began to well up in your eyes at the thought. Who were you kidding? Of course you’d regret it, who cares what everyone else thinks? You knew better than anyone that leaving Pete for Shawn would be the downgrade of a lifetime, and the fact that people based the opposite assumption purely over their own ideals of beauty was fucked up. Pete treated you better than Shawn ever did, he made you feel more than Shawn ever could. He made you a better person, you couldn’t believe your judgement had lapsed that badly, even for so much as a second.
Your head knocked against the door twice, trying to bang the anxious thoughts directly from their source, before the door swung open, the tall blonde giving you a single disapproving look when he spotted you on the floor.
“Is it the pizza?” You could hear Pete ask from inside. Right, you hadn’t gotten the chance to eat dinner
“Nah, it’s just Rook. I’ll be right back, you got the door for me?”
“Yeah, I got it.” Pete replied, his voice hoarse. You could only imagine he’d been crying.
You glanced up at Colson from your place on the floor, embarrassed.
“Just let me talk to him.”
“No.”
“He's not a baby, he doesn't need you to protect him.” You mumble
“No, but he cares about you. A lot. A-fucking-lot a lot, and I know if I let him out here and he sees you crying he’ll run right back into your arms.”
“I just wanna see him. I hurt him and it's killing me to know I can't hold him and make him feel better. I just wanna hold him.” You say, your voice cracking.
“Why don’t you just leave him alone and call Shawn instead so he can cheat on you again and you can go on another fucking bender and pretend like theres something interesting about your life.”
“Fuck you.” You retort, although you know his anger is the only reason for his words
“Fuck you too, (Y/N). Who took care of you after you went on your little fucking bender? Pete. Who helped you through the breakup? Pete. Who was with you when you felt like the whole world hated you even though you did nothing wrong? Pete. Who was there for you, romantic or not, whenever you needed him? Pete.If you really want to apologize you need to wipe those fucking tears, take a breath, clean yourself up, and fucking apologize without guilting him into saying its okay.”
“Okay, Okay. I’m not Casie.”
“Damn right you’re not, cause my daughter would’ve never pulled this dumb shit in the first place. And get off the fucking floor, you look pathetic.” He scolds, watching as you stand up, still almost a foot shorter than him. Colson turns around, pushing the door open as it was only half shut. You peer inside, trying to catch sight of Pete, but seeing only a piece of the hallway.
You remained on the floor, not daring to knock once again out of fear Colson might call security on you.
Your head ticked up curiously when you heard someone walking down the hallway, looking up to see Rook making his way towards you. Glancing down at you, he knocked, waiting for a moment before Colson was walking out of the door. Colson looked down at you as well, mild disgust gracing his features before he was walking down the hallway alongside Rook, the two boys disappearing into the elevator.
Pete walked out five minutes later, hoping you hadn’t given up and left. His eyes lit up when he saw you, first reaction being to fix the pout that was stamped on your face.
“Oooh, you got in trouble.” Pete teases, shutting the door behind himself and taking a seat next to you on the carpeted floor, not entirely caring that it was dirty as long as you were right down there with him.
“You heard?”
“It’s a hotel door, not a soundproof barrier.” He jokes, looking at you “Yeah, I heard everything. Listen, he shouldn’t have said any of that to you. He was angry, that’s all.”
“Don’t defend me.” You reply, looking over to meet his eyes. Pete purses his lips, his eyes filling with tears
“I’m always gonna defend you.” He says, his eyes leaving yours as he does, landing on the floor instead. The tone of his words are less reassuring and more disappointed. You thought for a moment he would cry, but he didn’t. His hand never even so much as came up to wipe his tears. Another brief silence fell over you, one more and you think you’d rip your hair out. You were unsure if you should wrap your arms around him the way you wanted to, the last thing you wanted to do was manipulate him into telling you what you did wasn’t a problem.
“I get it.” Pete says, breaking the silence.
“What?” You ask, your voice surprising even you in the midst of such stillness, feeling foreign and unlike your own
“I get if you want to be with him,” Your eyes meet once again as he says this “I won’t hate you.” He assures, his lips pushing together in a sad, half smile. You stared at him, examining his features and what you had done to him, but in Pete’s mind you were weighing out your options, and everytime Shawn came out on top. He was so caught up in his own mind he almost didn’t catch it when you began shaking your head.
“Oh thank god, cause he’s back at our place right now and we fucked on our bed-” Pete’s head tilted down in disappointment, focusing on his tattooed fingers. You laughed, punching his arm lightly “No, I want you dummy. Why else would I be humiliating myself by crying in a la quinta hallway. What's up with that, by the way? Colson doesn’t have the money to put you up somewhere better? You just got your heart broken.” Pete cracked a smile, his gaze shifting up to the door.
“I know the breakup was hard for you, and everything after it too. I guess I can understand just wanting something before it felt like the world turned it’s back to you.”
“No. I don’t want that, I don’t want Shawn. Sappy love songs, extravagant vacations, waking up early to exercise, flirting publicly as fan service, the perfect family-”
“Okay, okay we get it. He has a dad.” He laughs “Stop rubbing it in.”
“And actually nice hotels, seriously what the fuck is this.” You laughed, your heart swelling with love when you managed to make Pete smile “It’s just not who I am anymore. I’m late nights watching TV, laughing by the fridge when we get up at 3am to make snacks cause we have the munchies. I'm sitting in your backyard with you, your mom and your sister while we eat dinner and breathe the fresh air and look at the stars. I’m going on walks cause we’re depressed and need the sun to convince us we’re okay again. You changed me in the best ways, baby. I don’t want anything else.” You stared at the ceiling, vivid images flashing through your mind, thinking who you are now is so much more beautiful than who you were then.
You hadn’t even realized Pete was crying until he sniffled, your gaze drifting back over to him, the sight breaking your heart.
“Fucking lame.” He replies, both of his hands coming up to wipe his eyes, his sweatshirt pulled over his hands. You reach over, wrapping your arms around him and pulling him into your grasp. Laying there in peaceful silence, you find yourself running your hands through his hair, inhaling his scent and letting his body warm your own. You felt yourself calm down for the first time tonight with him in your arms.
The moment was broken as someone exited their hotel room, glancing down at the two of you on the floor before making their way to the pool, towel flung over their shoulder. Pete and you shared a look of amusement as he walked away, stifling your laughter until he made it to the elevator.
“Come on, let's go inside.” He says, trying the doorknob. There’s a thump sound as it moves a bit and stops, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion before giving it another try. You tilted your head, looking at the doorknob and to Pete as a look of realization overtook his features.
“I forgot my key.” He sucks his teeth, shaking his head as you laugh from your place on the floor.
#Pete davidson#pete davidson angst#pete davidson fluff#pete davidson x reader#pete davidson fanfic#colson baker#mgk#machinegunkelly#machinegunkelly fanfic#colson baker fanfic#mgk fanfic
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Until we meet again// The Weasley au
content warning: mention of death, hints of depression, swearing, intense sadness:((
George sat on his bed, staring at the blank wall. No expression on his face other than complete and utter despair. His eyes were dull, lifeless, hurt, while his skin was grey and sickly looking. He had sat there, for hours on end since they had came back from the Battle of Hogwarts. Fred's death, naturally, took a horrendous toll on the Weasley family. From being a jolly, close family to being completely isolated and silent. No one hardly spoke since they had came back, it had been three months. The silence was deadly. And it had corrupted the house completely.
George's eyes were red, swollen and puffy from violent sobs. He hadn't cried for about an hour yet he could form no thoughts, no words. Nothing. It had felt as though he had lost himself, in theory he did. He lay back on his bed, closing his stinging eyes, he wanted to stop replaying the images in his mind, seeing Fred's lifeless body on the floor covered in blood. The memories were printed into his mind like a tattoo, yet unlike a tattoo these memories remain printed and would print in his mind forever. He said to himself ‘it should of been me’, and this thought circulated his broken mind until his eyes became too heavy to keep open- falling into a deep sleep.
"George, wake up you lazy git. Come on it's summer, Weasleys Wizard Wheezes is absolutely chocker! The puking pastels are going down a treat though I’m not sure why, the summer holidays will be ruined”Fred exclaims going off on a tangent before a sleepy George awakens. His eyebrows knit together rubbing his head, a confused expression plastered on his face.
"Freddie?" George asks squinting his eyes.
"The one and only" Fred winks.
"Freddie I don't understand, your supposed to be dea-,"
"Well yes maybe, but I pissed off God so much so he sent me down here,” Fred smirks.
"Is this a dream?" George asks.
"Well of course this is a dream,"
George's face lightens, eyes beginning to tear up.
"It's you Freddie!" George throws his arms around him, he returns the same. Sobbing quietly into each other's shoulders.
"I'm, I'm so sorry. It should of been me Freddie"
"Oi stop that, what happened has happened. It's not your fault" Fred assures.
"If I didn't send you off to fight so quickly you would still be here"
"Please stop blaming yourself, stop holding this anger for yourself. Let it go. The past has happened, let go. It's ok" Fred softly spoken says to a broken George.
“Anyway I have some amazing things to tell you about the other side” Fred says, strolling over to his old bed and falling onto it. George looks enticed as he sits back onto his pillows, savouring every minute with his best friend before it slips out of his grip
“Right so remember the Marauders Map? The names on the front, Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs? I found out who they were and you won’t believe it ” Fred says raising his eyebrows in excitement.
“Who are they?” George asks inquisitively.
“James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. They were best friends at Hogwarts and apparently better known as the prankers of the school,” Fred says crossing his legs.
“WHAT?”
“I know, also that whole situation with Sirius Black it is a huuuuge misunderstanding, honestly once you get to the other side you find out everything,” Fred’s arms rest behind his head and he lays back down.
“So what happened after you, you know. I mean did it hurt?” George asks, looking down.
“Well, it hurt for a little while, I consumed all the pain from the attack then all the emotional pain from after you all found out. It was dreadful, but after a while it started to sink in. I saw you, by the way, holding my cold body. I know how much this is hurting you. I’m so sorry,” Fred says, holding back tears. Occasional voice cracks and choked back tears. Fred raised to see George, and went to sit on his bed.
"I miss you Freddie, I miss you so much. It hurts so much. I want it to stop. The pain. Everything. I just want to be with you," George cried.
"I miss you more than you can imagine. I sit watching you, I feel your pain, every heart ache, every wincing pain you feel. But please you need to think of yourself, and mum. I mean mum, she hasn’t been the same. Percy, Bill and Charlie all dodge her letters everytime she asks them to come down. I know inside they are hurting and they can’t bring themselves to come back, but it’s killing mum. Her and dads relationship is just going downhill. No spark. Nothing. No talk of muggles, no nothing. Ginny she feels like she’s lost both her brothers, she needs you Georgie, so does dad. He goes out every night and sobs for hours on end feeling like he’s lost everyone. Ron doesn’t speak to Harry or Hermione anymore. No owls, no sneaking out. Nothing. It’s heartbreaking,” Fred chokes out, tears running down his cheeks.
George goes to open his mouth, but closes it not knowing what to say feeling overwhelming guilt. He looked around, no life in the room. At this point his eyes were swollen once again and flooded with tears.
“That was awfully modest of you Freddie, a bit too mature for my liking” George laughs, Fred returning the same manner.
“Well what can I say, I’m all knowing and legendary now” Fred jokes smirking. George wipes a tear escaping his eye.
“At least no-one will get confused between us anymore and do the awkward thing when they realise they mess up,” Fred says.
“I’d rather go through life with people mistaking us than to be going through life without you,” Solemnly George said, looking Fred dead in the eyes.
"Come on Georgie your worse than Moaning Myrtle! Also that was painfully cliché it hurt my soul,” Fred says sarcastically. George sniffles.
“Look George, you need to stop dwelling on me. I know it hurts, it feels as though your heart is literally broken, as though knives pierce through your chest every damn second. But things will get better. And one day, maybe not now, but it won’t hurt as much. Your going to go on, find a beautiful wife or husband. Have some annoying kids, teach them about their legendary uncle Fred. How he wishes he could meet them, but he’s watching from above. Tell them about every prank we played. How we tormented Professor McGonagall-,”
"Fred I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that without you, everything will be so different. Christmas will be so different,” George cried, tears streaming down his heated cheeks.
"Yes it will, but I'll be there, you won't see me but I will be there. I will in sit next to you and watch you attempt mums sprouts even though you hate them, I'll watch you play board games and watch Ron go red and angry after he looses another game to Ginny. I’ll be there with you always,” Tears rolled more frequently down Fred’s face now, as he attempted to stop them with his jumper.
“You were supposed to be my best man, you were supposed to help me annoy Percy, you were supposed to- you were supposed to be here Fred!” George began to get frustrated.
“Oi oi now, it’s okay, I will always be your best man. Even if I’m not standing next to you at the alter physically,or God I don’t know when you buy your first couch. I will be with you spiritually. I mean I think that’s how this shit works,” The silly red head jokes.
“Please don’t ever leave me, I can’t do this without you. Your my best friend.”
"Hey, who says your going through this alone? I will be here for you always. That’s why I came back. One last time, just to ease your mind. Plus I couldn’t just leave you without a proper goodbye could I now?” Fred says winking before a sob breaks out between the two.
"So please, for me. Go and remind mum that your still here, tell dad he’s not alone. Go into Ginny and hug her, she really really needs you. Tell Ron that it’s okay to let others in. He doesn’t feel like he can talk to anyone. As for the others, tell them to come down. Mum needs to see them. She misses us so much,” George took in the word ‘us’ before breaking down again.
The twins embraced into a hug. Wanting to stay there forever.
“Oh and George?”
“Yes,”
“I love you, please don’t give up. Also never forget me or I will haunt your ass.
“Don’t be stupid Freddie, I love you so much. Never leave me.
They embrace into a hug yet this time so tight, they couldn't breathe. Reminiscing every moment together before their departing.
“George, I have to go now. You need to let me go,”Fred sobbed.
“I can’t Freddie, I can’t leave you,”
“You need to, my body is cold. You need you to move on,”
“Just five minutes more?” George questioned.
“Five minutes more,” Fred rested his head onto George’s shoulder, crying into it.
Five minutes had passed.
“Right time for me to get back. I love you so much” Fred let go of the warm embrace.
“Fred I’m scared,”
"I know you are, I am too. But I'll be waiting right here for you when your time comes. I will be right here to welcome you back, until we meet again brother." Fred says a tear escaping his eyes. Holding each other as if the earth was about to explode, George jolted awake.
"Freddie!" George exclaims shooting his hand out and sitting up abruptly. Scanning the empty room his breathing begins to slow down as he rests his hand upon his fast heartbeat. Fuck he mutters running his cold hands through his hair. He had felt a dampness on his shoulder. The whole experience felt so real. Maybe it was. Either way it had felt it.
Getting up from his bed, inhaling and exhaling, George opens the door for the first time in three weeks. He was so normal to smelling his mothers Scouse ready in a pot, hearing Ron muttering 'bloody hell' to himself after messing something up, his father rambling about Muggles obsessing over the purpose of a tennis ball. He was used to Fred coming upstairs with more supplies for their joke shop. Instead was an immediate cold draft and deadly silence. For a split second, the desire to crawl back into his bed, shutting out the outside world and crying into his pillow for the rest of his life, was such a convincing idea George’s hand rested upon the door nob. A faint familiar voice creeps into his head.
‘You need to let me go’ Fred’s voice had creeped into his mind. And with that, George had let go of the door nob and began to make his way downstairs. Walking downstairs taking in every little detail that he didn’t realise before. Not coming out of his room hardly for three months had really shocked him of how isolated from reality he could be strung into. He scanned the kitchen spotting Molly who was stood by the oven, her hands just resting upon the surface and her head is dropped and a few tears splash against the chopping board. Without warning George's large arms wrapped around Molly mid-waist. She had jumped slightly, startled by the sudden act of affection which broke George's heart even more.
“It’s okay, someday we will be with him,” Fred says settling his head onto Mollys shoulders, a choked cry coming from Molly.
The Weasley family, or what was left, had tried their best to act normal. George had helped Molly with the tea, not speaking much yet. But for the first time in three months, the ache in his heart began to feel less sore. That night, Molly, Arthur, Fred, Ron and Ginny all reunited for a pot of Scouse; chatted a little, laughed a little, cried a little. Most importantly things began to become more normal. Realising about how isolated the family had became, they had decided the best thing to do was to remind themselves that Fred would hate this divide.
After tea, Fred went upstairs to spend some time with his siblings. He had knocked to enter Ginnys room. She was sat writing in her journal already crying. He had asked what the matter was, asking what she had written in her journal. She passed her journal to him after two minutes.
“I just feel like, I’ve lost all my brothers. And it’s the worst feeling ever. I miss you all so much. I miss Ron telling me to go away, I miss George annoying me, I miss Charlie and Bill telling me about their crazy adventures. I miss Fred, I miss him so much. I just want my brothers back” Fred read, tears falling onto the page. Looking back up towards a fragile Ginny Fred replied.
“I know what you feel like, I miss them too especially Fred. It hurts so much. But you will never loose me and you haven’t lost Fred. This pain, is just temporary. Okay?” The red headed siblings engulf into a hug for the first proper time in three months. Following was another knock at the door, entering a sniffling Ron who ran over to them, dropped to his knees and embraced into the hug. Fred turned to him.
“You can’t shut people out forever. It’s time for us to move on. It’s time to let go. We will see him again. Someday we’re going to be with him,” Fred comforted, holding back his own painful tears. They had spent the whole night talking about him one last time for a while, reminiscing about the best memories before letting go. Ready to move on. Not forgetting Fred, no not at all. But more for their own sake, for Fred’s sake.
After leaving Ginnys room, George fell onto his bed. Crying a little more, he reminded himself of what he had said to the others. ‘It's okay I know someday I'm going to be with you,' He thought to himself before he fell into another deep sleep until morning.
I WROTE THIS ON WATTPAD ASWELL BUT IT BELONGS ON TUMBLR AND I MADE IT BETTER. also this was the most heartbreakign thing i’ve ever wrote my heart HURTS. please send feedback bc i would love to hear any suggestions or comments:)
#sirius black#ron weasley#remus lupin#hp#marauders era#harry potter#george weasley#fred weasley#fred and george#fanfic#alternate universe#i hate this#im going to cry#hermione granger#why must i hurt myself like this#the weasleys#ginny weasley#death cw#sadnees#sad au#the marauders smut#draco malfoy#nymphadora tonks#Spotify
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Daniel Michaelson: But First, Coffee
“You got this,” Ryan encourages his brother gently. “All you have to do is open the car door, walk inside, and order exactly what you want. Okay? Can you do that, or do you need me to order for you? I’m going to be standing right there beside you.”
Danny sits in the passenger seat, staring down at his hands, worrying them at each other, uncertainly. “I don’t know,” he mumbles. “I don’t know, I don’t know if I can d-do this, Ryan. I, we, we should have brought Nate-”
Ryan winces. He and Nate Vandrum circle each other, fight over how best to care for Danny and who is best qualified to do it, and he’d only just managed to talk the older man into staying at home this time and giving him five fucking minutes alone with Danny - and already Danny’s asking for him. “No, Dan. You rely on him too much if he’s nearby, and he agreed with me that you need to learn to stand on your own two feet if you’re going to see that Denner fucker in person.”
“I want to be there,” Danny says stubbornly, without looking up. “I want to see him one more time before they, before they take him away.”
Ryan tries not to hear the note of wistful sadness - I’m going to miss him - that is underneath the deep well of trauma and rage that Danny carries with him everywhere he goes.
“Sure, and we called Dr. Rosa, and she says if you can handle non-traumatic public situations, you can handle sentencing. But you have to show me you can do this, okay? I’ll be right here with you.”
Danny glances over at him, and Ryan smiles, trying to make it as reassuring as possible. The scars are rough today, redder than usual - Danny must have been rubbing at them again in his sleep. “But, if anyone stares-”
“It’s a coffee shop at 7:30 in the morning,” Ryan says. “Trust me, everyone in there is exhausted and does not give a damn about you, Daniel Michaelson. Got it?”
Danny frowns, then slowly nods, lifting up one hand to rub at the scar on his jaw, which already looks nearly raw as it is.
Ryan reaches out without thinking and grabs his wrist. “No, Dan, don’t, you’ll bleed-”
Danny jerks his hand back like he’s been burned, then hunches over even more, looking down. “I’m sorry,” He says softly, nervously. “I’m sorry, I know I’m supposed to touch now, I‘m sorry, I didn’t mean-”
“Shit. Shit, fuck, Dan, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have touched you-”
“No, I, I’m sorry, I’ll do better,” Danny rubs at his wrist. “I’ll go inside and order my coffee, I’ll be good, I’ll do good today, okay? I can do good, I can, can be-”
“I know you can.” Ryan closes his eyes against the pounding fear that follows him everywhere he goes now, exhausting drumbeats of Danny will never get better, he will always be like this, Abraham Denner’s goddamn masterpiece, and reminds himself that Danny is already better.
Danny answers to his name now. He sat on the couch to watch movies last night for the first time, Ryan and Nate both studiously avoiding pointing it out, some unspoken truce between them when it came to Danny, putting him ahead of their dislike of each other.
“Look,” Ryan tries again. “I know you can do this. You know you can do this. We get out of the car, we go inside, we order a couple of froofy drinks, we come back to the car. Easy as pie. Once we’re back in the car, you’ll know you’re done, and we’ll go right home. Okay?”
Danny swallows, and slowly nods. “I can do it. I can be good.”
“It’s not about being-... never mind. Does thinking of it that way help? Thinking of it as being good?”
“A little. It helps, a little. I just. What if I order wrong?”
“Then you try again. It’ll be fine, Dan, I promise. Look, I’m going to stand right next to you. If you have any problems, I’ll be right there with you to help. I’ll step right in and take care of it.”
Without waiting any longer, Ryan opens the door, gets out, and walks around to Danny’s side, opening his. “No more dicking around, Dan. Let’s do this. Let’s go get some fucking coffee like motherfucking adults.”
Danny snorts a little bit of laughter - it’s nearly silent, but Ryan can see it play across his face - and he smiles back at him. His shoulders relax, and when he holds out his hand, Danny takes it and pulls himself up to standing.
“Let’s, um, let’s go get some coffee,” Danny repeats, a little hesitantly.
“Like motherfucking adults,” Ryan prods, just a little, and is rewarded with the soft, uncertain, gentle smile that Danny wears now, so unlike the way he’d smiled before he disappeared, before he was dead, before he wasn’t dead again.
“Like, um, like motherfucking ad-adults,” Danny repeats.
“Then we go to Target on Friday,” Ryan says. “And then we’ll get your suit tailored, and then sentencing.”
“And then sentencing, and I can say goodbye,” Danny says, voice dropping a little, and Ryan sighs.
He needs to call Danny’s therapist and tell her about how he’s been saying shit like that - like he’s being asked to break up with a boyfriend rather than send his torturer and the man who held him captive to prison.
He needs to ask what the fuck to say back.
He needs some goddamn coffee, first.
“Okay, last chance to practice,” Ryan says. “I’m getting a grande mocha with peppermint. And you’re getting…”
“Venti soy latte extra shot,” Danny says, all at once in a single breath. “But, but what if they see my scars and-”
“They won’t say a thing.”
“But what if they know, Ryan?”
“Know what?” He blinks up at his older brother, confused.
Danny rubs at the notch in his jaw with a thumb, glancing towards the door, fear and shame fighting in his expression - finally shame won out. “What if they know what I am now?”
The puppy. The broken man. The whore.
Abraham Denner’s perfect custom-made pet.
“They won’t, and fuck ‘em if they look at you,” Ryan says firmly. “I’ll fuck them up if anyone says anything to you. We’re going to go in, order a coffee, and leave, got it?”
Danny nods. “And you won’t, um, you won’t leave me?”
“Not for a second.” Ryan had never expected to be twenty-four and reassuring his older brother that he wouldn’t leave him alone somewhere - but if the choice was babysitting Danny a little during recovery and never seeing him again, Ryan would choose moments like this, again and again, every time.
He holds out his hand, and after a second, Danny shakes it, like two businessmen making a deal and not one brother trying to convince the second to do something other than hide from the spectre of a man who could never hurt him again.
“One more time,” Ryan encouraged. “I’m getting a grande mocha, extra peppermint.”
“Venti soy latte, extra shot,” Danny replies. “Um. I think I’m ready.”
“Oh thank God, I am going to die if I have to wait another ten minutes for caffeine.” Ryan keeps his tone carefully casual and bright, and tries not to falter under the weight of what he is trying to do.
Ryan squares his shoulders and walks towards the door, Danny falling into step behind him.
“Venti soy latte, extra shot,” Danny whispers one more time to himself, trying to keep his hands from finding their way to his scars, praying that no one will look at them, look at him, recognize him, know what he is.
He takes one breath in - my name is Daniel Michaelson and I don’t belong to him - holds it for five counts, then slowly exhales - I can order a coffee just like anyone else.
He has to pray he can do this, today. That he can handle Target on Friday. That he can go to the sentencing, if he’s good.
Inhale.
My name is Danny Michaelson.
Hold for five.
Exhale.
I don’t belong to anyone but me.
Danny is praying for his chance to look Abraham Denner in the eyes one more time.
Praying he’ll get his chance to say goodbye.
#Daniel Michaelson's story#whump#not exactly whump#caretaker#trauma recovery#recovering whumpee#brothers#broken whumpee#Ryan Michaelson#Daniel Michaelson#touch aversion#conditioning#deconditioning#dehumanization
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