would love to hear abt ur racer ocs if u wanna talk abt them !!

ANON YOU HAVE OPENED THE FLOODGATES

SO i have 3 (5 technically but thats a whole other story) racing ocs ranging from ocs for things i like and original story ocs. in this post i'll talk about my original story ocs, and then if people want i can talk about my plans for the stardew npc one and also the other two, half-oc half-canon to the story characters.

(tw for mentions of death in this one)

lyssa huxley and lorcan lock are characters for a novel I'd like to write following two junior drivers attempting to make it big in motorsport in the 2000s/2010s. its not a happy story, exactly, and focuses on and exaggerates the aspects of motorsport that i dislike (corruption is a huge theme, along with money as a driving force and the hegemonic white and rich culture)

lyssa comes from a mining town in west virginia, america where an accident claimed the life of her mother. she has a half-brother, who got her into racing, but unfortunately dies in an accident while trying to climb the feeder ladder. shes a very impassioned, but bitter person who is hellbent on making it, not because she likes racing anymore but because she feels she has something to prove and owes it to her brother and community.

lorcan is an welsh driver whose family moved to london when he was little. being both welsh and black he felt quite disconnected from a lot of the kids he raced against in karting and learns very quickly to put on a serene, almost cold front, when with his competitors, who excluded and underestimated him so often he found defaulting to a negative-neutral outlook on them all was better for his wellbeing. he wants to be a world champion and believes ultimately he will need to live with being isolated and lonely to get there.

the story, which is split into 4 parts over their career, would start from them being 14/15 in their respective junior driver programs looking to win a feeder championship while competing with one another. from there the two become friends, bond with each other and begin to see (but not understand, or yet realize the significance) of the cracks underneath the surface of the sport, as they are pushed into their limits by sponsors and team members.

part 2 takes part when theyre 19/20 and are entering the adult stage of their career in a professional series (i plan on making one up. Not sure what genre yet) for the first time. lyssa ends up a teammate with lorcan in a midfield team. lorcan has been in the series 2 years now. the two reconnect and the part explores lyssas growing frustration with the sport, what her team is asking her to do, the people she has to interact with and breaks within her moral code. lorcan over the past 2 years has become more desensitized to the nature of the sport and isolated from his team, childhood friends and even his family. a lot more introspective than lyssa, he begins to reflect on whether the means justify the ends, and what his life could have been had he not gone into racing. the part ends with the two getting a shared podium and lorcan reflecting on the emptiness he feels while up there and decides to do something about the state the sport has put him in.

part 3 and the most intense part, is set a few years later, mid-season, where the two are in a heated title battle with each other. the media and public are obsessed with watching the friendship between the two break down and while things are tense, nothing of the sort has happened yet. lorcan has fully decided, whether or not he wins, to retire from racing altogether. hes gathered a range of information come the end of the season and is trying to convince lyssa to join him. lyssa is at breaking point. having developed a hatred for most every other driver and official within the sport and a viciousness to her bitter nature, refuses to leave until she knows that she will win the championship. she has no love for racing or the sport but the expectations of her community and narrative of "living her brothers life for him" the media created has made her unable to do or think of anything else. realizing this lorcan begins to work on accelerating his retirement before something dire happens. in the early hours the final race, lorcan releases a tidal wave of incriminating information about sponsors, team owners, drivers etc regarding major scale political events and corruption, before quitting the sport altogether. lyssa finds through the many documents that a main sponsor of her team was responsible for a number of mining companies of west, virginia and that he was known for operating mines under poor conditions, costing the life of many miners, including her mother.

despite this information, she is forced to race anyway, as both champion contenders abandoning the only recently founded (past 10 years) sport would kill its image alongside all of this new information. without lorcan racing she wins and, while on the podium, finally reaches her limit and has a breakdown, destroying the trophy and pit wall and tearing up her garage. people interfere to stop her on her warpath and the part ends with her in a cab on her way to the airport, calling lorcan.

part four is the shortest part and covers the two in recovery over a year later. lorcan has a house next to his parents and lyssa, for the time being, is living with him. both have retired from the public eye and have begun therapy and recovery. lorcan has a game night with friends organized and lyssa is more optimistic about life, both having found new purpose in hobbies/career paths. the sport survived the scandal, firing a large number of the members outed for their corruption who werent facing charges for some of their race-fixing, back door deals and other serious issues. the two know there are still people within the sport who use the money they make from it to fund unsavoury things, but things are far better than they were and improvements put in place by governing bodies leaves them hopeful that, while what happened to them cant be undone, its less likely to happen to other teenagers and young adults. and that while they'll never recover quite the same love they had for motorsport in their childhood, it is ultimately the money and fame they gained from the sport that caused such change and allows them to live a life where they are able to afford support systems without likely having to work another day in their life. so the story ends on a positivish, bittersweet note, questioning if in retrospective, the trauma they went through was worth it, even if it fueled such significant change.

Hi this is a personal ask please feel free to ignore this if you dont want to respond I will take no offense and completely understand.

This is both rant and more of an absolute no idea what to do so resources would help situation.

My best friend is probably depressed, and ive been the only person who cares enough to help them with it. Our friends have turned their back in one way or another and our families have basically said deal with it on your own. So I cant go to anyone for help, i talk to a few people a little bit abt taking care of my friend but theyre not people who can physically help us. My problem is just I’m running out of patience and im frusterated and stressed and upset. I dont blame my friend for any of their problems and im trying my absolute best to take care of them while taking care of myself but im running out of steam and I dont have any way to safely recharge without hurting them? Cuz if i take a break there is no one willing to step in so that I can recharge and come back to help. My friend is aware that I do need to take breaks but they arent exactly in the mindset to realize well how much Im stretching myself to help.

A lot of the resources ive looked at say: find a support group! Except I cant turn to my friends or family for this so I dont know what my other options are, I would absolutely love any resources that might help.

Hey anon, this isn't too personal or triggering so don't worry i will do my best.

First of all, I want to praise you for trying your best all this time to support your friend, but most of all I'm so so so proud of you for recognizing when you are reaching your limits. You're doing so much for your friend, and it's amazing but can be something so taxing. And speaking as someone who was like your friend, they are likely so grateful for you even if they don't show it, and maybe they don't realize how scared you must be but I think one day they will.

I talked about ways to find support for yourself when you don't have access to therapy here:

But in your case the thing I need to say is: dont be afraid to get an adult or parents or counselor or even in the worst case call them an ambulance.

You didn't mention your age but when a client comes to me with this sort of thing the first thing I tell them is to tell an adult like a school counseolr/teacher or even your/their parents. This might seem really scary, because it feels like a breech of trust but that means nothing when someone's life is on the line.

Second, encourage your friend to get professional support and explain her you've been feeling. Let them know, with as much love and care as possible, "I love you and I really want to help you, but I need to take care of myself too. How can I help you get the help you need?"

I once had a friend sit with me as I made my first therapy appointment. That friend also held my hand and walked with me to that appointment, and then waited for me outside. And that was the best help o ever got. Let your friend know you want to help them and show them that you can. Sit with them on voice chat while they call the therapist. Wait outside the counselors office. Do all that you can to help them, but most of all let yourself and them acknowledge that you aren't the one who can help them but that you can still be there for them by being their friend.

Finally, search for "crisis services near me". Show them to your friend and encourage them to call thoae hotlines (the natuonal suicide hotline has saved my life multiple times). Next time they go to you for support and its too much for you, let them know and tell them "hey I'm going to call them and sit with you while you talk to them."

The line between friend and therapist can get blurry, but that's why it's important to set your boundaries. And remember that you need to care for yourself first of all.

I really like your fic recs and I don’t really keep very up to date with the latest sanders sides stuff on ao3 so, favorite fics from the past week?

Oh uh... lets see today is 8/5/2020... and I’ll do my fav fics that have just been posted or updated this week: 

Swept Away - Part Three of my favorite Sirens au, where Logan gets swept up in a storm and wonders if anyone will miss him (they will).

The Variables -  Logan bought a house in the middle of nowhere so he could avoid having to ever talk to anyone else ever again. The ghosts have other plans.

You Can Picani Family You Want - Emile fosters two kids and quickly learns he’ll do anything to see them smile.

Atypical Destiny - LAMP soulmates are determined to make their polyamory work, even if no one else thinks it will.

‘Cause Every Time We Touch, I Get This Feeling - Touch starved Janus falls for touchy-feely Patton.

Rays on My Skin - Virgil is six when he discovers that he has multiple soulmates and absolutely none of them speak his language. Oh and also three of them don’t know he exists.

If You Give a Side a Lion - Remus and Roman have some things to work out, but first it looks like theyre gonna have to save the universe, along with three other guys, an alien prince, and his assistant. A Voltron AU that I didn’t know I needed.

The Story of Emile the Seer - Emile is unfortunately born with the ability to see the future. Theres a lot of awful things people would do about that.

Alleyway - Logan finds a baby in a dumpster in an alley and decides to keep it.

Slower Than Words - Virgil can’t see. Patton can’t hear. But theyre stuck in a cell together while people conduct unethical experimentation on them, so maybe they can learn to communicate?

Old Scars, Future Hearts - Virgil has a problem asking for help when he’s overwhelmed, but this time? This time the others are already angry at him. And they wont want to help him if they’re angry at him, right?

the shapes in the silence - Virgil turns into a cat-sized Dragon when he gets overwhelmed which only becomes a problem when Patton finds him hiding in the pantry and thinks he’s a figment from imagination and not another side. And if the Light sides like him so much as a dragon....well maybe he should stay that way.

breathing and other rhythms that used to be easy - A Nightmare brings Virgil back to the dark side of the mindscape, just to check, just to make sure, just to see that Deceit and Remus are still breathing and thats it. In and out. They won’t even know he was there.

Road Trips and Missing Persons - Patton goes out for groceries and doesn’t come back home because he gets kidnapped by a child with a knife. Virgil is on the run from his crazy mother after she killed his father. Janus will do anything to get to his brother before his mother does. Remy isn’t actually dead. And Logan will strangle his entire family for not answering their phones.

Bounty - A sequel to Abduction in the Space Family series: Space, aliens and Virgil is a human in the middle of it all. Excellent series, 20/10 and I will cry about it. thanks.

The Curse of Hanahaki - In which Remus plays himself by cursing Imagination so that anyone who falls in love will cough up flowers. Aka Hanahaki but with a tangible plot.

fall out of in love with me - Deceit asks Remus to make him a potion to dilute his intense feelings for Virgil before they crush him at the absolute worst possible time for Virgil.

A Wager. - Virgil meets professional gambler and they mage a wager they both come out winning in.

i’ll sink for you - Deceit can hypnotize anyone, but Virgil is all to willing to be his plaything. 

Save the Moment - Patton takes pictures of everything. Janus notices more than he should.

Lavender - Patton can’t handle the sound of Logan and Roman’s argument, but thankfully Janus steps up to the plate. 

Mind Over Matter - Being a human in Space is just asking for trouble. Being forced to fight in fighting ring just makes Virgil another sad statistic. However, choosing not to fight his clearly harmless opponent....that makes him different.

The Apartment - Virgil moves into his first apartment and becomes best friends with the elderly man who lives next door and tells fond stories of his numerous grandkids that can never seem to make time for him. Virgil is unaware this is how to get himself adopted into a new family.

sweet tea in the summer - Roman and Patton are the sweetest of lovers through the years.

How two exasperated doctors adopted three robots - Rival Scientists Janus and Logan both have the great idea to see what their company is hiding on the same night. They were not prepared for the answer, but they can definitely get used to it. (Bickering Loceit? uh hell yeah.)

Breathe Out - Virgil will become minion for one chance to get out of the closet, thanks. aka: The other darksides are terrible, and Janus thinks that he and Virgil might be able to work well together, and somehow that puts Virgil on track becoming a Light side whether he wants to or not. (And I gush because everything this author writes is amazing)

The Debate - Part of The Other Side of the Mirror au, where Janus, Remus, and Virgil are Thomas’s core sides and big bad scary Logan shows up to ruin everything. Except that he’s actually helping and Janus might have to reconsider if the other sides are actually as bad as he’s made them out to be. 

And It Fell Away - Patton and Virgil are part of the Earth Kingdom army. Janus is part of the Fire Kingdom infantry. It seems that the only thing they all have in common are their need to escape the current battle and then the war itself, if just to save their own lives.

Come Alive - Patton tries to end it all but not-so-friendly vampire Janus stops him. Now there’s just an agreement: Patton spends one year as a vampire in the underworld city for the supernatural, and if they decide living still isn’t worth it they can take a stake to themselves, but...Janus is willing to bet they can find at least one person whos worth it. Ft: everyone falls in love with Patton at first sight, as it should be.

by the book - Librarian Virgil runs the adult section of the library, but his most interesting visitor is the tiny child who talks too fast and has really super attractive dads.

Pen Pal - Logan’s roommates all get together and Logan doesn’t think he has a place there with them, so he withdraws and turns to his pen pal for company.

Wedding Crashers -  While standing at the alter for his arranged marriage to a princess he will never love, Logan doesn’t think his really lovers are coming for him. He’s pleasantly surprised.

You Haunt Me And I Like It - Ghost Virgil has had a lot of roommates before without ever needing to show himself, but this one is just too skeptical for him to leave alone.

Wow that is a lot more than I thought I had! 

Looking for more fics? I’m got more lists here on my Fic Rec Masterlist!

basics ! MODERN VERSE

FULL NAME.  Madarame Ikkaku

NICKNAME.   The Dragon { stagename - he’s not thrilled about it lol }

GENDER.  Male.

HEIGHT.   5'11½" ft / 182 cm

AGE.   25. ZODIAC. Scorpio.

SPOKEN LANGUAGES. English / Japanese. He is fluent in both. He was raised on Japanese by his parents, but he hasn’t lived in Japan since he was 2 years old, he went to an American public school ( both elementary and high school ) and learned English there. He often translated for his parents.

physical characteristics !

HAIR COLOR.  If he didn’t shave his head he’s have black hair.

EYE COLOR.   Grey. In direct light they are very cool/light, but they can also approach black. SKIN TONE.    Light, with a yellow undertone.

BODY TYPE.  Built/athletic. He has taken care of his body from a very young age and tends to eat a healthy diet. He rarely skips his exercise routine. He cares less about his physique and more about what it can do though. His muscle is moreso functional muscle than aesthetic muscle.

ACCENT.   He speaks with a drawl. He grew up in ghetto neighbourhoods as well as while speaking a very different language as his second language. Native Japanese speaking people are also able to tell his Japanese is different, even if it isn’t heavily accented at all.

VOICE.    A very average register. Can get very raspy especially when he is yelling. His voice is frankly little-used lol he prefers to act rather than to talk a lot. DOMINANT HAND.  Ambidextrous. He started to train with two handed weapons and staff-like weapons at a young age. He does prefer his right hand though.

POSTURE.   Generally good, but very casual and chill. Doesn’t sit properly most of the time. does a lot of ‘manspreading’.

SCARS.   He has many smaller scars that aren’t very noticeable, and one large scar from his left shoulder downwards across his torso to about his navel. 

TATTOOS.  He has the edges of his eyes tattooed red. As well as a large red dragon across his back. 

BIRTHMARKS.  None he finds noticeable.

MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S).   His eyes are probably the most noticeable, as it is not very usual to tattoo that part of your body. Besides that they are very piercing. 

childhood !

PLACE OF BIRTH.    Japan. He lived in a smaller township a while away from Kyoto. Near Mount Hiei. HOMETOWN.    His hometown is the same town he was born. It was a real ‘everybody knows everybody kind of town. If he went back there is a good chance people that live there will remember his parents. Unfortunately he has yet to figure out what the name of the town was.  BIRTH WEIGHT.   Average, even though his mother was worried because of their poor living situation BIRTH HEIGHT.    Average as well.

MANNER OF BIRTH.  Natural. At home. The towndoctor was there, but it was an easy birth, especially for it being a first child.

FIRST WORDS. His first words were kaasan, neko and tousan in that order. His father worked a lot and he spent more time around his mother and the cats in the garden.

SIBLINGS.  None.

PARENTS.   Deceased. They were very caring and loving parents though.

PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT.    Both his mother and father were very involved with his well-being. So much that after the war that somewhat derailed Japan, they decided to use all their resources to emigrate to the states. They got there with only a few family artifacts and very little money. It resulted in both his father and mother having to work very long hours as soon as he was in school and could take care of himself. They saved all their spare money to send him to school. In the end he dropped out to pursue professional sport though.

adult life !

OCCUPATION.  He works as an (illegal) underground fighter. Currently at Hueco Mundo, but he’s been at different underground clubs since he started in the business.

CURRENT RESIDENCE.   He lives in an apartment complex in a neighbourhood between ghetto and inner city. It is not the worst environment but also not the best. He and Yumichika practically live together, but Yumichika still has his own apartment in the same complex.

CLOSE FRIENDS.  He doesn’t have very many friends. He considers Nnoitra { @despairforme } a workfriend, and he is of course friends with his boyfriend { @narkissismos } besides them there is his gymbuddy, Renji { my own muse @monkifuraibo hah }, and thats about it.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS.  Taken. Ikkaku is with Yumichika { @narkissismos }.

FINANCIAL STATUS.   Middle-lower class. He makes enough money to survive every month and have a little left over to put away in a bank account, but he’d frankly be a big accident away from bankruptcy. 

DRIVER’S LICENSE. Doesn’t feel the need for one. Though he could probably drive fine if he put his mind to it. 

CRIMINAL RECORD.  None. He tends to err on the careful side of the law. Though there are incidents that might have gotten him an assault charge if anyone had reported it.

VICES.  He drinks whenever he feels like it, though he usually knows when to stop. Yumichika can be either a ridiculously good impulse control, or a horrible enabler.

sex and romance !

SEXUAL ORIENTATION.  Greysexual. He doesn’t feel the urge to have sex as much, but he does it out of convention { it is what is expected of him } and because it feels good to get off. ROMANTIC ORIENTATION.   Demi-romantic as well as homo-romantic. Ikkaku knows he is only ever loved one person { yumichika }, that person was a man, ergo he is gay. He doesn’t really know the demi label, but it does apply to him. PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE.    Dom/sub. He likes being in charge and control when they do have a tryst.But Yumi knows more about sex and he follows his lead a lot.

PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE.   Dominant. Yumichika is often initiator though, and also tends to be more adventurous with it. Where ‘where people are’ is concerned, Ikkaku more often tops { almost always }. Ikkaku also goes along with a lot, but sets obvious boundaries. 

TURN ON’S.   This is a very short list. Yumichika. His mood has to be good, for example if he’s just won a big fight. But then Yumi is the only one that really gets him going.

TURN OFF’S.  High emotionality. He can’t have sex when he is very angry or upset, or even very excited about something --> his mind is busy with something entirely different. He also doesn’t like crying. 

LOVE LANGUAGE.  Ikkaku is very physical in his affection. Small gestures. Touching Yumi’s lower back in passing, forehead and temple kisses when he passes his boyfriend sitting on the couch. Pulling him into his lap, wrapping his arm around him in bed while theyre both doing their own thing. He does also tell Yumichika he appreciates him in his own way. He says what he thinks a lot. He’ll say yumichika looks beautiful when he thinks so, tells him he loves him when he feels it, that kind of thing. It is very sweet to see how it flusters Yumi still.

RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES.  He is rather chill. He doesn’t mind going along with what Yumichika wants in a lot of cases. There are very few things they really argue about, different from a bit of bickering about little things. Ikkaku will check Yumichika when he is out of line though and functions as a bit of a voice of reason. Ikkaku is very emotionally healthy, even if he can be a bit of a closed book, there is no lock on him. Whenever Yumichika wants to know something he only need ask and Ikkaku will share with him. He has the tendency to be a bit jealous when people flirts with Yumi { he is very beautiful, it can’t be helped }, but overall their relationship is very healthy.

miscellaneous !

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG.   oof... Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk

HOBBIES TO PASS TIME.   He writes, and reads, and practices old martial arts. He also likes watching action movies and documentaries. 

MENTAL ILLNESSES.   None. He is surprisingly healthy.

PHYSICAL ILLNESSES.  Not an illness, but an injury. When he was younger (19 or so) and he had started his professional martial arts career, someone used an illegal move on him, and his shoulder was dislocated. It is still a weak joint now and it bothers him when he overworks it, or the weather is bad. He has a brace for it. 

FEARS.  None. He is very chill and takes things in its stride. Even death is something he doesn’t really consider yet. If there is something that might count it is that he is worried something might happen to Yumichika because he is very obviously gay-coded, and people are homophobic.

SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL.   High. He is very comfortable with who he is and with his abilities.

VULNERABILITIES.   Physically, his shoulder. Otherwise, he tends to take things /too/ easy, he can be a bit lazy. He can underestimate others at times and overestimate his own abilities. He also has a tendency not to know when to stop. 

Tagged by: I took it from @despairforme and it was super fun so !!

Tagging: @narkissismos @grimmjxw @kazeshinigami I kind of want to see yours now too ! But only if you want to/have the time :)

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim. 

all of them . . .

Fuck you and fuck the anonymous asker and lets fucking get this shit started. Also do your goddamn work Izzy.

200: My crush’s name is: Hey Izzy. Because that was such a huge secret199: I was born in: October198: I am really: Bored197: My cellphone company is: AT & T (Are you gonna ask my mother’s maiden name and first pet name now?)196: My eye color is: Brown195: My shoe size is: 11?194: My ring size is: Decently large193: My height is: 6 foot tall god192: I am allergic to: Assholes. And cats and dogs and eggs and milk and eggplant191: My 1st car was: I had a first car?190: My 1st job was: I had a first job?189: Last book you read: The first 6 pages of Cat’s Cradle. Alternatively book 25 of Desolate Era (it’s a Chinese wuxia novel)188: My bed is: Comfortable?187: My pet: Don’t have one186: My best friend: I have several185: My favorite shampoo is: Head and shoulders184: Xbox or ps3: Xbox183: Piggy banks are: Chill182: In my pockets: 2 bic pens, typically my phone, wallet, asthma pump, chapstick, and keys181: On my calendar: I don’t really use calendars180: Marriage is: Something I’ll get to179: Spongebob can: Suck my dick (I don’t really get spongebob?)178: My mom: is caring but could use some chill177: The last three songs I bought were? I don’t honestly remember the last time I bought a song. Which is a lie but I don’t know what I bought176: Last YouTube video watched: Vaguely watched the youtube video for Girls by Mura Masa175: How many cousins do you have? Total of 3 I think174: Do you have any siblings? I have a twin sister173: Are your parents divorced? Yes172: Are you taller than your mom? Definitely171: Do you play an instrument? Nope170: What did you do yesterday? Die slowly

[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: Sort of yeah168: Luck: Sort of but not really167: Fate: No166: Yourself: Honestly not really and that accounts for at least 2 rather important problems I can think of165: Aliens: Sure164: Heaven: No163: Hell: No162: God: No161: Horoscopes: They’re fun and sometimes fool me but no160: Soul mates: Not really?159: Ghosts: Sometimes momentarily hen I se shit move in the dark out of the corner of my eyes158: Gay Marriage: Yah157: War: Depends but yah156: Orbs: ????155: Magic: I fucking wish

[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: Um. Fucking both. but kisses153: Drunk or High: Depends. Mostly drunk152: Phone or Online: Online151: Red heads or Black haired: Read heads are hot150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes149: Hot or cold: Hot148: Summer or winter: Feeling winter atm (I know its odd)147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn 146: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate when eh. Vanilla when stuff is quality145: Night or Day: Night144: Oranges or Apples: Orange143: Curly or Straight hair: Um. Curly?142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds is my shit (cuz apple pie)141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk chocolate you fucking heathen140: Mac or PC: Mac (theyre prettier tho I know PCs can be better)139: Flip flops or high heals: I don’t really wear either. Both are fine.138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: I can be ugly, sweet, and rich. Tho I guess this means ugly person. Ugly and rich since I’d just do whatever the hell I want and be rich137: Coke or Pepsi: Coke136: Hillary or Obama: Obama135: Burried or cremated: Cremate this mess134: Singing or Dancing: Dancing133: Coach or Chanel: My dude I know fuck all about either brand. Still would go with Chanel132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Who the fuck?131: Small town or Big city: Big city130: Wal-Mart or Target: They’re both cool. target feels nicer tho129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: I hate them both128: Manicure or Pedicure: manicure127: East Coast or West Coast: This is actually hard. Um. Shit. Hm. Weast coast?126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas. My birthday doesn’t tend to mean a whole lot to me (probably cuz I didn’t really have birthday parties as a kid)125: Chocolate or Flowers: I’ve never gotten flowers and that’d be chill but chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney probably.123: Yankees or Red Sox: Yankees you fucking heathen

[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: Avoid it if possible121: George Bush: No very intelligent120: Gay Marriage: It’s fine119: The presidential election: Kill me118: Abortion: It’s your choice and fuck what other people have to say. Though it’s interesting to think about if one potential person wants the child and the other doesn’t. At which point I feel like whoever really wants it that bad should have sole care of it otherwise it’s unfair to both the child and one who didn’t want it. And if the dude wants the child then it’s still the woman’s choice I feel like? But this is rocky but would make a fun conversation tbh117: MySpace: Stop poking the dead thing with a stick116: Reality TV: Mostly really dumb with marginal entertainment115: Parents: Mine I guess are half really good but hard on me for good reason and the other half I seriously feel like I couldn’t care less about. In general Id hope for them to be caring, understanding, firm, and logical114: Back stabbers: Fuck em113: Ebay: Chill concept I’ve never used112: Facebook: Blackhole for my time111: Work: I hate doing it as it very rarely interests me110: My Neighbors: Chill109: Gas Prices: High I guess?108: Designer Clothes: Can be cool but mostly just why and dumb107: College: Fucking scam but also really cool adult babysitting106: Sports: theyre alright I suppose. Don’t really pay them any mind at all105: My family: I only pay attention to the ones I interact with even though there is a family member I really should talk to but don’t cuz I have a hard time caring although I really should104: The future: Scary

[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: Today sorta. If not today then sunday102: Last time you ate: Like an hour ago101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: Thanksgiving100: Cried in front of someone: It’s been a while. Don’t remember99: Went to a movie theater: During spring break like 2 weeks ago98: Took a vacation: like 2 weeks ago97: Swam in a pool: been a while. Swam in the ocean like 2 weeks ago

96: Changed a diaper: I’ve never done that

95: Got my nails done: never94: Went to a wedding: It’s been a few years. Would’ve liked to go to one this year but couldn’t for some pretty shit reasons93: Broke a bone: Never92: Got a peircing: Never91: Broke the law: Um. Like Saturday90: Texted: like 30 minutes ago

[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: Things that are funny. Also myself88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Parents paying for shit87: The last movie I saw: Get out86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Figuring out my shit85: The thing im not looking forward to: the future84: People call me: Kemi83: The most difficult thing to do is: Have self control and follow through on it82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: Never81: My zodiac sign is: Libra80: The first person i talked to today was: Today a girl named sara cuz I was up and around at 2am79: First time you had a crush: Like elementary school78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: There is no one I can’t hide things from77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: I have no idea. Probably within the last few days76: Right now I am talking to: Well right now I’m not talking to anyone75: What are you going to do when you grow up: Hopefully happy and relatively successful74: I have/will get a job: hopefully over the summer73: Tomorrow: Is another day72: Today: Is my current reality that I really should use a lot more wisely but tend not to71: Next Summer: It’d be nice to be a more productive person70: Next Weekend: Probably gonna be doing fuck all instead of doing work69: I have these pets: I don’t have pets68: The worst sound in the world: Nails on a  chalkboard, velcro ripping, people chewing with their fucking mouths open. I can’t choose one67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Um. Prolly my stepfather?66: People that make you happy: My friends occasionally family when they aren’t disappointed in me65: Last time I cried: I dunno64: My friends are: Chill63: My computer is: Cool but mostly a huge distraction I literally can’t live without cuz I need it for everything. And I also really like it.62: My School: Is meh. Some chill people61: My Car: Don’t have one60: I lose all respect for people who: I suppose cheat59: The movie I cried at was: I dunno58: Your hair color is: Black57: TV shows you watch: I dunno. A lot 56: Favorite web site: Youtube probably55: Your dream vacation: Europe54: The worst pain I was ever in was: I don’t remember feeling pain I thought was all that intense. Like shit has hurt a lot but not like holy fuck I’m screaming53: How do you like your steak cooked: Medium52: My room is: A little dirty atm51: My favorite celebrity is: Um. Gordon Ramsey I suppose? Don’t really have one50: Where would you like to be: In a very nice restaurant sipping very nice whiskey with a lot of money. Ive said this before.49: Do you want children: Maybe eventually. At least 2 but not more than 348: Ever been in love: yeah47: Who’s your best friend: I have multiple46: More guy friends or girl friends: I definitely have more girl friends45: One thing that makes you feel great is: music44: One person that you wish you could see right now: My girlfriend would be nice to just chill with tbh43: Do you have a 5 year plan: Don’t be a failure is sorta just it. realistically grad school.42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: I actually haven't 41: Have you pre-named your children: Nope40: Last person I got mad at: Um. I dunno39: I would like to move to: Somewhere on the west coast38: I wish I was a professional: Chef

[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: Twix is up there36: Vehicle: Teslas are pretty fucking cool35: President: Obama probably wasn’t the best but damn was he chill34: State visited: California never really disappoints me33: Cellphone provider: AT &T I guess? What the hell sort of question is this32: Athlete: Um. Don’t really have one. Ichiro Suzuki seems pretty chill. Curtis Grandson also seems chill. What can I say my stepdad likes the Yankees. Well so does my father31: Actor: Um. idk30: Actress: Idk29: Singer: Adele comes to mind cuz damn that voice. But I probably have others I like more and don’t remember28: Band: Mura Masa is high up there for producers. So is Flume, Ekali atm, Ta-ku, and Snago27: Clothing store: Don’t really have one. Uniqlo is pretty chill26: Grocery store: Fairways is chill25: TV show: Adventure time probably24: Movie: Don’t really have one tbh23: Website: I Don’t per se have a favorite. I like tumblr and Facebook 22: Animal: Deer are chill21: Theme park: Don’t have one. Which ever one has the wildest roller coasters20: Holiday: Um. Christmas19: Sport to watch: Baseball if I had to choose18: Sport to play: Ultimate frisbee17: Magazine: Cooks Illustrated is cool16: Book: Don’t really have one15: Day of the week: Friday or saturday14: Beach: Orange beach atm cuz it’s the nicest one i’ve been to13: Concert attended: Shitttttttt. Alina Baraz and Jauz are really high up there12: Thing to cook: I like making pasta cuz I do all sorts of shit to the sauce and I’m good at it. I also make pretty decent pork chops and shit. I dunno. 11: Food: Sushi probably. Also like steak and curry a lot.10: Restaurant: Um. Five guys? I don’t really have one.9: Radio station: Don’t really listen to radio8: Yankee candle scent: Don’t know any7: Perfume: same as above6: Flower: honeysuckle5: Color: Blue and green4: Talk show host: Don’t have one3: Comedian: Louis C.K. is great2: Dog breed: Cant choose1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Very

all of the asks

1: Full nameidk man. not too fond w putting my full name on the tumbsz but wassup im sam2: Age163: 3 Fearsflyingthe darkmen4: 3 things I lovemy gfmy friendsmy DOG5: 4 turns on good smellgood,,asshumorgirl6: 4 turns offBAD SMELLTHATS IT ALSO MEN7: My best friendhek sarah and josefine. also lys8: Sexual orientationpansexual ???? idk mostly i just like girls 9: My best first datedo nothing. eat and watch shows and nap10: How tall am I6'4 i know11: What do I misshek :/(12: What time were I born12:15 am I was almost a march 9th kiddo13: Favourite coloryello 14: Do I have a crushyes my gf my love 15: Favourite quotedie16: Favourite placecopenhagen and paris. both very different cities and equally important 2 me17: Favourite foodTARTLET 18: Do I use sarcasmall. the time 19: What am I listening to right nowthis old dog by mac demarco ok20: First thing I notice in new personidk if theyre funny i think21: Shoe size 7 !!! small22: Eye colorone is green n one is brown 23: Hair colorcurrently very black 24: Favourite style of clothingblack jeans and some sort of fuckin hoodie im boring 25: Ever done a prank call?i used to do them all the time w my friends in the choir HDKVNSMCN yes i was in a choir but only for the cake 27: Meaning behind my URLidk its a placebo song fskkcsjskdks28: Favourite moviemr nobody leave me alone 29: Favourite songSCSRED OF GIRLS BY PLACEBO FUCK ME30: Favourite bandPLACEBOSJDKSKKD31: How I feel right nowim tired and i want lys to wake up 32: Someone I lovelys my beeeeb33: My current relationship statusim dating my BEAUTIFUL angel gf 34: My relationship with my parentshmmmm. below average 35: Favourite holidayCHRISTMAS 36: Tattoos and piercing i havenoone 37: Tattoos and piercing i wanti want a septum piercing and all the tattoos38: The reason I joined Tumblri had a crush on a girl and i was obsessed with her and she had tumblr so i got tumblr and only reblogged things she liked and she never noticed me JDKSJDJSK39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?NO we just don't talk 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?lys41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?its lys i wish i had :-(42: When did I last hold hands?it was with josefines girlfriend while she was tweezing her eyebrows and she needed to hold my hand for support 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?like. 5 seconds 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?HAHAHA NO45: Where am I right now?in my bed 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?idk i dont drink that much but probably josefine47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?reasonable in like. headphones but anywhere else it's LOUD48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?no. well like. every 2 weeks i shift between them #divorce am i right ladiez 49: Am I excited for anything?summer 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?my DOG 51: How often do I wear a fake smile?a lot ha ha ha 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?my adult friend yesterday JSJSJK53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?the last person i kissed was my friend ,,,and she has a gf so id probably say can yall like do that somewhere else JDJAHSH54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?no i only trust a few very good people 55: What is something I disliked about today?i just woke up. also that56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?lys :-(57: What do I think about most?lys LoL 58: What’s my strangest talent?idk ???? 59: Do I have any strange phobias?PUKE60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?behind 61: What was the last lie I told?"im gonna wake up soon" lol62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?video 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?both are real and valid 64: Do I believe in magic?no hoe65: Do I believe in luck?no. hoe66: What’s the weather like right now?grey67: What was the last book I’ve read?sushi for beginners haha68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?nnO69: Do I have any nicknames?sammy but only lys gets to call me that also hek calls me sami I do not know why 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?i broke my tailbone once that was pretty bad71: Do I spend money or save it?SAVE IT IM SO BAD AT SOENDING MONEY72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?noooooo ma'am 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?a marker 74: Favourite animal?dogggggggGGGGG75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?talking to lys but then she disappeared for 3 hours and im mad76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?roberts77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?you had me at hello GAYYSYYAYSY78: How can you win my heart?be lys. also food 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?gay 80: What is my favorite word?gay81: My top 5 blogs on tumblrgay82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?gay83: Do I have any relatives in jail?i dont think so ???84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?FLYING. TELEPORTING 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?idk mannn86: What is my current desktop picture?the default one cause im lazy and its a school computer 87: Had sex?NOO 88: Bought condoms?no 89: Gotten pregnant?no90: Failed a class?noooOoo maam 91: Kissed a boy?nooooOOOO MAAM 92: Kissed a girl?yes,93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?no94: Had job?nonoooo MAAM 95: Left the house without my wallet?yes96: Bullied someone on the internet?HAHHAHAA97: Had sex in public?no98: Played on a sports team?yes but like. not really 99: Smoked weed?NOO MAAM 100: Did drugs?no101: Smoked cigarettes?noooo102: Drank alcohol?yes 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?fuck NO104: Been overweight?yes105: Been underweight?no 106: Been to a wedding?yes 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?LOL108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?LOL109: Been outside my home country?yes 110: Gotten my heart broken?yes oopsie111: Been to a professional sports game?yes but at half time me and my dad left and got mcdonalds and then we went home112: Broken a bone? yes 113: Cut myself?no more 114: Been to prom?no im foreign 115: Been in airplane?yes116: Fly by helicopter?i haven't but i NEVER WILL. NEVER 117: What concerts have I been to?one direction, the 1975, gerard way, the front bottoms and twenty one pilots 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?yes. exclusively 119: Learned another language?yes120: Wore make up?yes no h0mo bro121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?no122: Had oral sex?nnnno123: Dyed my hair?yes its dead now 124: Voted in a presidential election?noooo maam im still foreign 125: Rode in an ambulance?no126: Had a surgery?im so boring ive never tried anything 127: Met someone famous?no i was rlly close to meeting bry after twenty one pilots once but NAH128: Stalked someone on a social network?always129: Peed outside?mo 130: Been fishing?fuck no 131: Helped with charity?yes132: Been rejected by a crush?well. kinda133: Broken a mirror?no134: What do I want for birthday?idk i just had my birthday man 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?IF. I HAD A KID. IF. it would be a girl and her name would be leah 136: Was I named after anyone?no137: Do I like my handwriting?fuck no its so bad138: What was my favourite toy as a child?probably that doll that pisses by itself. u know what im talking about 139: Favourite Tv Show?idk oh fuck probably new girl 140: Where do I want to live when older?copenhagen or the us for a bit 141: Play any musical instrument?guitar ukulele and bass cause im basic142: One of my scars, how did I get it?my dog scratches me a lot 143: Favourite pizza toping?ham. cheese144: Am I afraid of the dark?y e s 145: Am I afraid of heights?Y E S146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?yes but i wasn't sneaking out really,,147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?every day hoe !148: What I’m really bad atlife 149: What my greatest achievments arefuck idk150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to methat i was a trump supporter. u know who u are 151: What I’d do if I won in a lotterylive on a bigass farm and have all the animals 152: What do I like about myselfmy eyes ?? my cheekbones 153: My closest Tumblr friendnone i hate yall 154: Something I fantasise about😉😉😉😉😉😉

Jaylen Brown: ‘Sport is a mechanism of control in America’

As the Boston Celtics star prepares to play in London, he talks to Donald McRae about race, the NBA and the death of his best friend

Jaylen Brown is one the most intelligent and interesting young athletes Ive met in years and it seems fitting that, midway through our interview in Boston, he should retell a parable that brings together Martin Luther King and the great American writer David Foster Wallace.

Weve got two young fish swimming one way and an older fish swimming the other way, the 21-year-old star of the Boston Celtics says as he considers the enduring backdrop of race in the United States. They cross paths and the older fish says: Whats up guys, hows the water? The two younger fish turn around and look back at the wiser fish and ask: Whats water? Theyve never recognised that this is what they actually live in. So it takes somebody special like Martin Luther King to see past what youve been embedded in your whole life.

Three years before his death, Foster Wallace included the parable in one of his most widely-read pieces of writing. Yet it carries fresh resonance when said with quiet force by a young basketball player who stands apart from many of his contemporaries to the extent that there have been numerous articles in which an unnamed NBA executive apparently suggested that Brown might be too smart for the league or his own good.

Brown was the No3 pick in the 2016 NBA draft and now, in his second season with Boston, he is a key figure as the Celtics arrive in London this week as the leading team in the Eastern Conference. Weve already spoken about Browns desire to learn new languages and his interest in books and chess while he loves playing the piano and listening to grime artists from east London. Even more intimately he has relived the death of his closest friend Trevin Steede in November. In the two games after that devastating loss Brown produced inspirational performances, which he dedicated to Steede.

He has also looked forward to playing in London on Thursday, against the Philadelphia 76ers, and answered a question as to whether his young Celtics team may become NBA champions in the next few seasons: Why not this year? People say maybe well be good in two years but I think were good now. Right now weve got one of the best records in the league. I think we could be as good as we want to be. But the more we let people construct our mindset, and start saying two years from now, is the moment we lose.

Last week the Celtics beat LeBron James Cleveland Cavaliers 102-88. Excitement and anticipation surrounds the Celtics but race still stalks our conversation and it has echoed hauntingly through Browns life. Racism definitely still exists in the South, he says, remembering his youth in Marietta, Georgia. Ive experienced it through basketball. Ive had people call me the n-word. Ive had people come to basketball games dressed in monkey suits with a jersey on. Ive had people paint their face black at my games. Ive had people throw bananas in the stands.

Racism definitely exists across America today. Of course its changed a lot and my opportunities are far greater than they would have been 50 years ago. So some people think racism has dissipated or no longer exists. But its hidden in more strategic places. You have less people coming to your face and telling you certain things. But [Donald] Trump has made it a lot more acceptable for racists to speak their minds.

Jaylen Brown takes on LeBron James earlier this season. Photograph: CJ Gunther/EPA

Brown admits that, when he was 14, It wounds you. But when I got older and went to the University of California [Berkeley] I learnt about a more subtle racism and how it filters across our education system through tracking, hidden curriculums, social stratification and things I had no idea of before. I was really emotional because one of the most subtle but aggressive ways racism exists is through our education system.

In his year at college, before pausing his degree to play in the NBA, Brown wrote a thesis about how institutionalised sport impacts on education. I was super emotional reading about it, he says of his chosen subject. Theres this idea of America that some people have to win and some have to lose so certain things are in place to make this happen. Some people have to be the next legislators and political elites and some have to fill the prisons and work in McDonalds. Thats how America works. Its a machine which needs people up top, and people down low.

Even though Ive ended up in a great place, who is to say where I wouldve been without basketball? It makes me feel for my friends. And my little brothers or cousins have no idea how their social mobility is being shaped. I wish more and more that I can explain it to them. Just because Im the outlier in my neighbourhood who managed to avoid the barriers set up to keep the privileged in privilege, and the poor still poor, why should I forget about the people who didnt have the same chance as me?

What did he think of Colin Kaepernicks protest against police brutality and racism which the former San Francisco 49ers quarterback began even before Trumps election to the White House? It was peaceful and successful. It made people think. It made people angry. It made people want to talk. Often everybody is comfortable with their role in life and they forget about the people who are uncomfortable. So for Colin to put his career on the line, and sacrifice himself, was amazing. But Colin was fed up with the police brutality and pure racism. He speaks for many people in this country including me.

Did Brown understand from the outset that Kaepernicks career was in jeopardy? Absolutely. I wasnt shocked how it turned out. Colin was trying to get back into the NFL and find another team and hes more than capable. But I knew it was over. I knew they werent going to let him back. Nobody wanted the media attention or to take the risk. They probably just wanted to blackball him out of the league.

Thats the reality because sports is a mechanism of control. If people didnt have sports they would be a lot more disappointed with their role in society. There would be a lot more anger or stress about the injustice of poverty and hunger. Sports is a way to channel our energy into something positive. Without sports who knows what half of these kids would be doing?

Were having some of the same problems we had 50 years ago. Some things have changed a lot but other factors are deeply embedded in our society. It takes protests like Kaepernicks to make people uncomfortable and aware of these hidden injustices. People are now a lot more aware, engaged and united in our culture. It takes a special person like Kaepernick to force these changes because often reporters and fans say: If youre an athlete I dont want you to say anything. You should be happy youre making x amount of money playing sport. You should be saluting America instead of critiquing it. Thats our society.

Has his anger been amplified during Trumps presidency? Not really. I just think Trumps character and some of his values makes him unfit to lead. For someone like him to be president, and in charge of our troops? Its scary to be honest.

Trumps Twitter war in November with LaVar Ball tipped the scales, for Brown, beyond credulity. The President accused Ball of being ungrateful following the release from China of his son, LiAngelo, and two other UCLA basketball players after they were caught shoplifting. He demanded a thank you, Brown says of Trump. Its ridiculous. What happened to people doing things out of the generosity of their heart or because it was the right thing to do? There have been multiple situations where its been ridiculous but that one was like: OK Im done. Im done listening to anything you have to say. A 19-year-old kid makes a mistake overseas and [Trump] demands an apology from his dad? I think Trumps unfit to lead.

Jaylen Brown dunks during a game against the Brooklyn Nets. Photograph: Justin Lane/EPA

Browns readiness to talk about politics and culture might account for the surreal suggestion in 2016 that he was too smart for the NBA. From the outside, smart seemed a euphemism for troublesome. What did Brown think when, as a teenager, he heard words unlikely to be used in conjunction with a white athlete? It was hinting at something very problematic within society. It bothered me but I was so focused on getting to where I was going I never dissected it or pointed it out to anybody.

But I disagree that an athlete cant be intelligent. Some people think that, in basketball, we have a bunch of masculine adults who dont know how to control themselves. Theyre feeble-minded and cant engage or articulate ideas. Thats a narrative they keep trying to paint. Were trying to change it because that statement definitely has a racist undertone.

Brown chose Berkeley because he knew he would be stretched academically. Has he missed the intellectual stimulus since swapping college for professional basketball? Absolutely. Ive missed it so much. Im in a good environment here but at Cal I was learning something new every day. Im now trying to keep well-balanced instead of single-minded. I take piano lessons after I spent the last year teaching myself piano. If Im frustrated or had a bad day, but need to keep engaged, practicing the piano does that for me. Same with the YouTube [vlogs which he makes]. I use the camera so I can show something of this life to the everyday person who is interested in seeing what its like for an athlete on a day-to-day basis. Everybody puts you on a pedestal especially when youre playing well and they make it seem like youre not human. But Im just a regular guy.

During his first year at Berkeley, in his spare time, Brown learned Spanish from scratch and became fluent. Im not as good now, he says. I started again because therere so many conjugations that slip your mind if you dont practice. But I also just learned the Arabic alphabet. Im proud of myself because the pronunciation is hard.

Brown starts to say the Arabic alphabet out loud and, to an untutored ear, he sounds impressive. Yeah, he says with a grin, Im trying.

He describes himself as an introvert and it must be hard being quiet and reflective in a boisterous sporting environment? Absolutely. Its not just the locker room. In life if you stay quiet youll get left behind. So I had to learn to be more vocal and outgoing. I just try to be respectful of everybody. But the closer you get with guys the more you talk to them. It becomes like a family especially when youre winning. Last year I was much quieter but this year my opinion is valued more. We have a good locker room.

Jaylen Browns Celtics are set for a deep playoff run this season. Photograph: CJ Gunther/EPA

The value of that locker room was felt by Brown after the tragic suicide of his friend Trevin Steede. Brown found the will to play against the NBA champions, the Golden State Warriors, the night after Steedes death and he inspired the Celtics to a memorable victory by scoring the most points [22] while producing tenacious defence. After the game Kyrie Irving, the Celticss superstar, gave Brown the ball and said: This ones for Trevin.

Before they played again, in Atlanta, where Steedes family live, Brown visited his friends mother and other grieving relatives. He then went out and shot a career-high 27 points. Im so thankful for the people around me. They lifted me up. I dont know what my mental state would be right now without them.

I met Trevin when I moved to Wheeler which is a big basketball school in Marietta, Georgia. Trevin was a year older so he was a sophomore and I was a freshman. They brought me in and there was only one spot left on the team and it was between me and him. They gave it to me.

I didnt know anybody when I first got there so at lunch in the first week Id eat by myself acting like Im on my phone. Trevin came up to me after the third day. Id seen him in workouts but I didnt really know him. He said, Man, come sit over here with us. Ever since then, we were best friends.

How did he hear about Trevins death? His mom called me. Im thinking shes just checking on me or saying hi. But she called to tell me hes passed.

Brown looks down and his hurt is obvious. He also admits he needed the support of Steedes mother to face Golden State. I probably wouldnt have played unless she called me. Brad Stevens [the Celtics coach] asked how I was doing. I told him, I dont think Im able to come in today. He said: Thats fine. Take your time. Three seconds after I hung up, Trevins mom called. I told her I wasnt doing well and I probably wasnt going to play that night. She said: You know thats not what I want and thats not what Trevin would have wanted. So if you can find it in your heart to go out and play for him, do it.

Did he play in a daze, or was he inspired by Trevin to help Celtics win? I didnt feel anything. It was like I was out there by myself.

The chance to play in London lifts his mood. I visited London for the first time last summer. It was great. I went to see Big Ben because one of my idols is Benjamin Banneker [the African American scientist who, among other achievements, worked with striking clocks in the 18th century].

This week Brown would like to hear more grime and to see Arsenal. I like Barcelona because of the players theyve had traditionally from Ronaldinho to Messi. I really like Arsenal too. I like their tradition, and their diehard fans. I hope to see them in London. I think Thierry Henry is going to be there so Ill just hit him up and see if I can get some access to the [stadium] tour, get some shots on the field. Last summer I became really close with Thierry. I got to talk to him and we keep up with each other and he gives me advice about sports and life. Hes one of the all-time greats.

At the Celtics training facility, on the outskirts of Boston, Brown rises to his full 6ft 7in. He looks around the empty court before turning back with a smile when I say weve covered a lot of ground from the mysteries of water for two young fish and the enduring problems of race in America to the impact of learning and the pleasure of following sport around the world. Yeah, Brown says softly, stretching out his hand, thats the way I like it.

The NBA London Game 2018 sees the Philadelphia 76ers host Boston Celtics at The O2 on 11 January. The game will also be live on BT Sport and NBA League Pass.

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Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2018/jan/09/jaylen-brown-boston-celtics-nba-interview

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ok i really just need to get something off my chest. i’m not looking for reassurance or help or pity, i just need to write it all down and it would take too long to physically write it in my journal so here goes.

2016 was the hardest year of my life and also probably the year where i’ve changed the most. my friend/little brother passed away, lost my virginity, got several tattoos, dyed my hair teal, started smoking lots of weed... all in the span of 6 months.

now anybody who doesn’t know me, would probably think “wow a lot has happened in such a small amount of time but it’s probably just a phase.” anyone who does know me probably thinks i went more than a little crazy, which i understand why you would think that because all of that didn’t fit into the perfect, jewish, bukharian mold i was supposed to fit into. 

HOWEVER

doing all these things and changing the way i did, physically, certainly didn’t change who i am as a person. I think i had such a hard time dealing with Peter’s death, that I didn’t know how to grief in a healthy way and it made me make some rash decisions. I don’t regret any of my decisions by any means. i love all of my tattoos and am planning on getting more, and i think all of my decisions in the past 6 months have helped me find myself maybe a little bit more.

but anyway, the point of this rant is me complaining about my sisters. my point is, i didn’t change who i am as a person. and i didn’t “ruin my life” by doing all these things. i’m still getting good grades, on track to graduate, working two jobs, helping out at home, you know the works. my sisters are making it seem like there’s something wrong with me and how i’ve gone nuts and they’re scared for my life and they don’t want me to end up dead on the side of the road or something like that. dramatic don’t you think? 

my sisters are so fucking dense and close minded that they are trying to control my every move. theyre trying to control what i do in colorado, while theyre over there in new york. and every time i talk to them, they bring me to fucking tears bc they make me feel so inadequate and so crazy and they genuinely make me feel like something is wrong with me. nothing is wrong with me though, i am growing up as an adult and this is my journey. 

how does me getting tattoos and dying my hair teal change anything in their lives at all. how does it have anything to do with them? IT DOESN’T . these are my choices and i understand that i need to look at the bigger picture and see how it effects everyone around me, but the only reason it’s affecting the people around me is because they are so closed minded and don’t understand that, especially in our generation, this is the norm. my tattoos will in no way prevent me from landing a professional job in the future because they are all easily coverable. so whats the problem?!!? how is it in any way their problem?! 

i just don’t know what to do at this point. i’m waiting for my counselor to get back to me so i could start my therapy and get some perspective and see what i could do. i love my sisters and i obviously want them in my life, but i definitely don’t want to be around them at all if they are not accepting of me. i understand that they want whats best for me but they don’t know about the first thing thats best for me. they left when i was 11!!! And now they think they can start telling me how to live my life. i’m an adult it’s a little too late for that... 

after i graduate, i would love to just move to australia for a year or two and just escape everything. not talk to my fucking sisters. not have them controlling me. it would probably be a better option to deal with it head on rather than run away, but i don’t know how to do that anymore. 

anyway.... that’s that. sorry for the long post if you read it to the end, props to youuuu! any advice for me?

Mental issues aren't a white people thing!

(Trigger warning. I dont know which triggers are in here but i know there are at least two: possibly crengy phrases concerning mental health and suicide. I’ve tagged everything as well as I can to keep it away from people that don’t want or need to see this post).

I already feel like this phrase is going to make some one cringe and I’m so sorry, I dont know what they call mental issues on tumblr im just using the term because thats what they called it when refering to me growing up.

If your kid is having an oddly hard time with something that kids normally do with ease at a usual age for it, and youre concerned, and theyre frustrated, there is NO HARM in having them checked out or tested to see what’s going on!

I couldn’t tell you how frustrating my childhood was because my family was lead to believe that dyslexia, a.d.d, and anxiety were white people things that they didn’t have to worry about.

Even my step dad goes on about how “the teachers just like to pick on kids, theirs nothing wrong with them they’re just different ”

1 having mental issues doesn’t mean something is wrong with your kid okay. It just means they think or react in ways different than others. It doesn’t mean they can’t live an average life like every other person.

2 the teachers aren’t picking on your kid. They see your kid is having a hard time and they’ve tryed and failed to help sooooo they’re just suggesting that you seek a professional to see what’s going on. Once you know what’s going on (if anything is going on) that knowledge will help you help your kid learn and understand things better.

3 having mental ISSUSE doesn’t mean your kid is inherently dangerous or without morals or possessed by some demon. They just function differently, they’re still human, they’re still kids, and they still need your love so please don’t make things weird for them.

4 “dissapline” won’t train the mental issue out of your child! It’s not a thing that can be done. If you’ve heard stories that it can then you needed to speak less to Google and more to an actual Doctor.

My mom died thinking I was magically cured of my attention deficit disorder and dyslexia, my dad died thinking I’d grown out of it, good old grandma thought non of that stuff existed in black children, and none of them believed I had anxiety because pffft! Kids don’t have anxiety! They play all day and don’t have jobs or bills!

I love my Dad and my grandmother dearly, I’m not trying to bash them or claim that they were awefull because they did do right by me the best they knew how. I’m just saying their views on the subject matter were ignorant.

I never grew out of those things. As I grew I developed my own way of doing things to help me get by, people called it being quirky and thought it was cute (or sometimes vaugly creepy) but it was just my formula for getting the same results as other kids.

Moving into adulthood I started looking up my issuse online AND talking to doctors (even my drill sergeant helped me through some things) the result was me understanding my own weaknesses and making them my strengths.

My a.d.d made it hard for me to focus and re member things so to this day I right everything down, then I rewrite my notes at least 3x’s. Do I remember things better … a little, but the importaint thing is I’m pretty decent and interested in puzzles so when I try to recall something I can write out bits and pieces of my notes and put them together untill I have the whole thing in front of me again. Remembering things that don’t interest me is still really difficult and tear jerking for me even when im dedicated to giving it my full attintion so making it a puzzle, making it a song, making it a picture, “making it fun” is the only way I get by. It’s my tool for conquering the issue and I’m proud to have figured it out for myself.

The dyslexia though. After reading about it I just got into the habit of telling my self things when I started to get upset like:

“Read it over again, it’s okay. We know that of out of aaaallll the characters in Harry Potter that Ron is less likely to speak with numbers in his words unless he’s been cursed”

“No matter how early in the morning, no matter what the year: YOUR clock will always read you the time with NUMBERS not 2s, backwards Es, upside down hs, and S, G, up side down Lake, B …” you get the point.

I still had to tell myself that to get by in college because the number problems would look sooooooooo much like a fucking message to me that one day after class I took a marker and wrote what I saw right beside it and my teacher laughed because he understood and then stopped laughing … because he understood.

The anxiety… I’ve learned on social media and in therapy that there are ALOT of ways to live with it and that it doesn’t typically go away. I tryed to kill my self over it (thank you to the good Samaritan that swam out to get me and didn’t call the police on me). After that experience I became really depressed because the attempt was terrofying and I had lost the nerve to do it again. So as I lived on bitter and irritated that I was only alive because I was afraid of the pain and distress of suicide I found a new friend, then I found a hand full of them, and they made me feel loved and normal, and accepted.

I want to say I was cured but I wasn’t. I had less anxiety but it was still there telling me that:

My friends only hung out with me because they felt bad

You’re so self absorbed and people hate you for it

Why would anyone want to date you? Your ugly and gross and can’t even human properly.

Your hair is disgusting no matter what you do to it it looks ugly on you

Every one knows you hate yourself, they’re just waiting for you to be polite and GOAWAY, no one wants you here!

I still hear anxiety telling me these things and it still hurts, but the difference is:

when I was a kid my anxieties were like a knowledgeable adult looking down at me and stating facts

But after lots of self coaching in the mirror, lucid dreaming, and crappy self insert fanfiction… as an adult I now see my anxieties as a toddler that knows little to nothing about me or the world around them shouting their very first insults and obscenities at me (believe it or not I even laugh about it on occasion because I’m fucking sick). It hurts, but the pain has gone from a ten to a four in roughly 30 years (that’s like giving birth verses stepping on a Lego to me).

Could I have developed these coping habits earlier if my family had acknowledged I needed help? It’s likely, but since they thought it was a white kid problem I didn’t get any real help untill college when I took it upon my self to call the therapy number they gave every one and occasionally the suicide hotline.

In conclusion to this messy rant If your kid is having trouble with things and they don’t seem to be developing at the same rate as the class it’s okay to have them evaluated. Nothing is wrong with them they may just need some tools to keep up in life. Not having the tools they might need could someday me harmful to their mental, emotional, and or physical help so PLEASE don’t gamble with your kids life over pride or disbelief.

so um...one of my friends unfortunately has no access to mental health resources professionalwise, and im not sure how to help them because im in no way liscensed and theyre v suicidal a lot and im always worried about them. idk what to do -spook

Hi love, thanks for messaging us!

I want to start off by saying that your friend is very lucky to have someone like you in their life. You obviously care about them a lot. The fact that you’re messaging us on advice on how to help someone makes you an awesome, amazing friend. Friends like you can be hard to come by

Now, how can you help your friend? When it comes to someone you care about being depressed and suicidal, it can all seem super overwhelming and hopeless. But there are things you can do and try to help your friend get through this difficult time.

One of the worst things you can do is not say anything at all. Just the simple act of asking if your friends wants to talk about how their feeling will show that you care. And that means everything in the world, trust me. Tell your friend that you love them and care about them and want to help them. Be honest and tell them that you’re not quite sure what to say or do to help, but that you want to help.

Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Sometimes there is nothing you can say that will make things better, but simply being supportive can make all the difference in the world. A lot of people feel the need to say something in order to feel helpful, but sometimes the act of listening is more effective than any words could ever be. Just the simple fact that you are even there to talk to them and support them matters more than you realize.

The best thing you can do is encourage them to get help herself, whether that be professional help or even simply telling a family member how their feeling (both would be best!). Keep in mind that sometimes people need to hear things over and over again before they start to sink in. You might have to literally beg them to get help, which I know can be frustrating, but please don’t give up! Encourage them to talk to other people about what’s going on, especially an adult or professional. Maybe go with them to the school counselor, or even go with them to a doctor, for moral and emotional support? (I’m not sure if you live near them or not).

I would say something like, “I love you, and I’m worried about you. It would mean a lot to me if you saw a doctor or professional. I’ll even go with you. Please, I care about you so much and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”

Now I know you mentioned that this friend doesn’t have any access to mental health resources... is that because they can’t afford it, or is there something else preventing them from getting professional help? If it’s because they can’t afford it, maybe you could organize a fundraiser to raise some money for your friend, like a bake sale. Or maybe you can start selling your artwork on Etsy for some extra cash to help them out if you’re an artist, or help them brainstorm ideas they can get extra money themselves.

Here are some links which give suggestions on what to do if you can’t afford health insurance / therapy / medication. Maybe you can show these to your friend and they can help them in some way?

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/04/what-to-do-when-you-cant-afford-therapy/

http://greatist.com/grow/resources-when-you-can-not-afford-therapy

Do you have any mutual friends that can help you convince this friend to get help? There’s strength in numbers, and if they are hearing it from multiple people, it might sink in more! Please don’t try to support them on your own. That’s too much for one person to deal with by themselves. You’ll be much more successful in helping them if you have other people on your side helping you!

With that being said, please don’t hesitate to get their family involved if you are afraid they are an immediate risk for hurting herself. They’re probably going to be very mad at first, but it’s so important that their family knows what is going on so they can help keep them safe and get them the help they needs! It’s better to have them alive and mad than dead. So if you’ve tried everything possible to get them to get help and they refuses, and they’re in danger of hurting herself, I’d contact their family.

Another thing that you could try is helping them come up with what I call an “escape plan.” Think about it this way: every business has a fire escape plan, right? They figure out what is the best exit in a fire and the best way to get there. They even practice it a few times with fire drills. They do all of this before there is ever a fire, because if they waited until there was a fire, there would be mass chaos and people would get injured. It’s the same with suicidal thoughts. You have to have a plan before you find yourself in that crisis. So maybe you can help them come up with an escape plan. Brainstorm some things they can do if they have the urge to act on his thoughts. Make a list of activities they can do to distract himself, people they can call, or places they can go. Have them keep this list somewhere so that they can take it out in an emergency and go through the things one by one. Keep a copy of the list with you so that you can help them go through the list if need be. If you need ideas for things they can do to distract themselves, check out this page here: http://tswatch.tumblr.com/selfharmhelp and http://tswatch.tumblr.com/distraction

You could also help them make a list of reasons not to hurt / kill themselves, or reasons they should keep living. Either you can help them come up with one, or you can write one for them. If you help them come up with one, have them write down all the people they care about, their dreams and goals, their favorite things, their hobbies, places they want to visit, things they want to do, their favorite music, concerts they want to attend, etc. You could find some ideas here: http://tswatch.tumblr.com/reasons

One of the most helpful techniques for helping someone overcome depression / protecting someone from themselves is to get them out of the house. If you stay in the house alone in your room, you’re more likely to stay stuck in your depressive rut. So maybe part of their plan can be to come to your house when their feeling down, or for you to go over there and watch a movie, or for them to meet you at a park to go for a walk, or something like that! That way you can physically be there with their to help keep them safe. Again, this only really applies if you live near them or not.

There’s also a lot of great resources on the internet that have good ideas on how to help someone struggling with mental illness / depression / suicidal thoughts. The more research and reading you do, the better you can help you friend!

Hope this helps,

i gotta get better at explaining elisabeths and kats relationship because if i dont explain it well it sounds really bad a lot of the time

so kats a high schooler, shes 16 (as of now) and elisabeth is an adult, early-mid twenties (no set age yet, i gotta get on that too)

which seems kinda weird right outta the box because theyre not related or anything so why is the twenty year old friends with this teenager?

well, thats the thing, kat doesnt see them as friends, she sees this as a professional type relationship, the thing that holds them together is that elisabeth used to be a cop (not anymore, shes a tattoo artist now) and still has her police contacts, as well as quite a bit of leverage around the not-so-legal crowd (and that kinda underground deal is pretty big in their town actually) so she’s good at favors, and thats why she and kat are “friends” in the first place, because kat needs favors, they trade back and forth, elisabeth does something for kat, then kat does something for elisabeth, to use a canon example one of kats friends is bothered by an asshole cop for no reason, so the next day, after hearing about it, kat asks elisabeth for a favor, which boils down to “make sure this asshole never bothers my friend again” and elisabeth does, (she has her ways) then a few days later, elisabeth calls in the favor kat now owes her, and uses it to get kat to, as she puts it, “play bodyguard” while elisabeth does one of her less-than-legal dealings (shes selling cherry bombs to another important character this time) so theyre even again

so thats how kat sees the relationship, a professional friendship, if you will, shes also terrified of elisabeth, because elisabeth reminds her of her mother, (kats mother is abusive mentally and physically and an all around horrible person) so kat cant ever imagine anything more than this delicate professional friendship

elisabeth on the other hand, while yes, she sees it as a working relationship as well, dont get me wrong, she absolutely understands that everything they have is built on this professional undercurrent, but elisabeth has grown rather fond of kat, and, though she doesnt comprehend this very much on a conscious level she’s grown fond of kat in this “hey, thats my kid youre messing with buckaroo!” kinda way, so i mentioned the set of favors that are demonstrated in canon so far, a collection of scenes that also introduce us to elisabeth as a character, so that favor that kat repays, the “playing bodyguard” one? that one, yeah, the important character whos buying the cherry bombs has history with kat, he doesnt recognize her, thank god, but since elisabeth asks after theyve split, kat tells her, and elisabeths first instinct is to go give the character a piece of her mind for messing with kat, (she doesnt because kat sees this person who reminds her of her mother getting mad and immediately tries to diffuse, which is a whole other thing, but i digress) because she cares about kat a lot, kat doesnt see this, its why i love writing elisabeth from kats pov because kat is so uniquely blind when it comes to elisabeth and i love walking that line

but anyways, thats how elisabeth sees their relationship, most of the parental “hey thats my kid!” stuff is subconscious, yes, but even consciously she cares about kat, and when she gets hints that kats not just nervous and shy, but that she actually has an anxiety disorder (said hint is a very obvious panic attack) her first reaction is to protect, but the thing is that elisabeth isnt great at relationships in general, it’s a long story but basically her parents got a divorce when she was a kid and blamed elisabeth for it (parents of the year, i know) so shes now wary of getting too close to people for fear of ruining their lives too (for the record her parents marriage was never going to work, it wasnt her fault) so some of her actions come off as a little cold, but really shes just scared

we get a great scene later on that i wont talk about here because this is already really long and rambly but that scene boils down to elisabeth actually telling kat that she cares about her (while drunk and not in so many words) which kat sees as weird because elisabeth doesnt talk about feelings ever, but again, this is already really long

basically, their dynamic is one of my absolute favorites to write, just because they have such different views of what they are to each other, and because kat is so unreliable when it comes to elisabeth because shes scared, and because elisabeth doesnt know a lot about kats issues, which is different from the other characters, because obviously em knows near everything, and rosie and micky are slowly piecing things together, but elisabeth doesnt know, she only just now got a hint about kats anxiety, and later on shell probably get some hints about her home life as well, but for now, they have very different views of what their relationship is and i kind of love it a lot

Who's In Control of Your Life?

Let me tell you three stories. The first comes from my own life, while the other two are things that Ive observed recently. * * * For my own tale, lets roll back several years. At that time, I worked as a research assistant focusing on data mining. My job mostly revolved around writing tools for researchers to explore a very large data set in a simple fashion, essentially enabling them to make connections within the data at a click of the mouse, and I also spent a significant amount of my time digging through the data myself, looking for useful patterns and trying to make sense of it all. I really loved the work I was doing. When I was actually doing the data mining, or when I was working with researchers to come up with ways to help them explore the data on their own, I deeply enjoyed the work. It was intellectually challenging, interesting, and meaningful. I also dearly loved the small team I worked with at the time. What I didnt enjoy was the bureaucratic end of it. I didnt enjoy the travel. I didnt enjoy the many bureaucratic meetings. I didnt enjoy the constant filling out of forms that seemed to be largely purposeless. I didnt enjoy the constant change in how we filed our travel receipts, the constant changes in our email services, and many other aspects of the job that were purely bureaucratic. I was also frustrated by how there were constant promises of more resources that were sorely needed to actually improve our offerings, but those resources seemed to never actually materialize. Because of that lack of resources, I felt my work slowly turning from creating useful new things and discovering new data connections to just maintaining tools so that they wouldnt break when other people changed things. I gradually became more and more responsible for IT management, fixing servers and things when they had problems, and that caused me to have to go into work on more and more weekends and spend more and more time effectively on call. Over time, my feelings on this job began to shift. I went from feeling great about going to work each day to dreading going to work, particularly on days when there were meetings and particularly on days leading up to travel. For the last year or two that I worked at this job, I felt miserable. Travel was causing me to miss several big moments with my children, including my sons first steps. Most days were filled with bureaucracy and maintenance. I felt deeply unhappy. So, why did I stick around for that last year or two? The big reason was that I felt like I needed the job. I didnt have strong financial control over my life yet and thus I really needed the stability that the job provided. In short, that job and that situation had control over my life. I couldnt walk away without putting my wife and my young children in a very precarious place. * * * The second story comes from a reader who Ill call Jeff, who wrote in with a long story for the reader mailbag. After some back and forth conversation with him, he wanted me to share his story in a post. Jeff grew up in an upper middle class family. In college, he fell in love with Suzanne, who he thought was also upper middle class until, shortly before the wedding, he learned that Suzannes family was rather wealthy thanks to her grandfather. Suzanne has a large trust in place for her thats controlled by Suzannes mother. Suzanne and Jeff have been married for several years and apparently theyve spent much of this time jousting with Suzannes mother, sometimes even in court, to gain access to the trust. It is apparently up to Suzannes mother as to when the money can be released to Suzanne and Jeff. He wrote in asking for advice on some other means to try to gain access to that money. My response to Jeff was simple: try to live your life for a while as though that trust does not exist. What would your life be like if there was no trust that was ever going to appear? What would you do? Live your life that way. If the trust money comes, then its a boon. Right now, the lack of a trust is a bust. After some back and forth emails with Jeff, it seems as though he and Suzanne have had a lot of conversations about the situation and have decided to do just that to stop worrying about the trust at all and start living as though it doesnt exist. * * * Heres a third story that might seem unrelated at first, but its well worth discussing. My wife went on a very long-planned trip with her sisters this spring. They had been planning the trip for almost a decade and this spring was the culmination of those plans. During their trip, they had the opportunity to visit Chichen Itza, the Mayan ruins in southern Mexico. While there, Sarah took a ton of photographs and short videos. They were all focused on the view, a view that she wanted to always be able to remember even when her memory of it faded a little. One thing I couldnt help but notice is that in many of the video clips and photographs, there was a young woman who had an elaborate selfie setup that involved tripods and lighting poles and so on. She was backed up right against the edge of where she could walk and, in every video clip and picture, she was either taking selfies with Chicken Itza in the background or checking the selfies. This was going on over a long period of time. Not once, in any of the photographs, did the young woman seem to be paying any attention to Chichen Itza. She had traveled so far to see one of the wonders of the world, and yet her full attention was on getting a great selfie or two, ostensibly to post to Instagram or some other social media service. * * * These three stories all have something in common. They all depict people living their lives under the control of others, not themselves. In my own situation, I lived my life under the control of my supervisors and the bureaucracy of my workplace. I absolutely loathed it, but I persisted under it for years. Why? I had chosen a lifestyle that required the income and stability provided by that bureaucracy. I had ceded control of my time and energy over to them. In Jeffs situation, he and Suzanne lived their life obsessed with the money sitting in that trust and constantly battling Suzannes mother for that money. That battle absorbed tons of their time, energy, and focus, and although he didnt get into it, it seemed clear that the relationship with Suzannes mother was weakened by the fight. In that case, Jeff and Suzanne had ceded control of their time, energy, thought, and focus over to their mother-in-law simply out of a desire for more money. In the story of the woman at Chichen Itza, her focus was solely on producing an amazing selfie, ostensibly to share with others. This took her attention away from the destination of a long trip and the grandeur of a wonder of the world. Instead, she focused on the lighting on her face and the camera she was using. I suppose she may have been a professional photographer and a model at the same time, but it seems far more likely in our modern era that she was simply trying to get the perfect shot for Instagram. In other words, she ceded control over her own time and focus to her Instagram followers, causing her to miss out completely on the amazing opportunity before her. In all three of those stories, someone else is in control of a persons life and decisions. I wasnt in control of my professional decisions or their own financial destiny. Jeff and Suzanne werent in control of their familial decisions or their own financial destiny. The woman taking the selfie was ceding control over her time and focus in one of the most amazing places on Earth to anonymous Instagram followers and other social media friends. * * * If theres a lesson Ive learned throughout my adult life, its this: there are few surer routes to unhappiness than ceding control of your life over to the whims of someone else. When you cede power over your life to your boss out of financial need, you give your boss the power to take away your free time and all of your energy. Even if your boss doesnt do that, that power still rests in their hands. When you cede power over your life to someone who might give you money, you give that person power over your attention and your thought and your time and your destiny. Even if that person is very giving in terms of that money, they still retain that power and can use it as they please. When you cede power in your life to social media followers and constantly do things that you think will impress them or interest them or make them envious, you give those anonymous followers the power to shape your decisions and shape how you use your time. Youre no longer doing the things you want to do; youre doing the things they want you to do and hoping for their approval. Those situations bring unhappiness. Im speaking from my own experience and the experiences of many people in my life and many readers. Whenever you feel like you dont have control over your life and youre forced to bend your life over and over to the whim of those who do have control, it brings about sadness and serious dissatisfaction with life. What about situations that come with responsibility, like becoming a parent? In those situations, there are definitely moments where you feel trapped and out of control, and those times do bring bad feelings. However, theyre typically counterbalanced by the good moments and the fact that you chose this responsibility. Also, responsibility often leaves some level of control over the situation you do control how you choose to parent your child. On the other hand, you dont have control over the fickle nature of social media followers or the whims of your boss or to those who can turn off the spigot of money youre relying on or the organizations to which you owe money this list goes on and on. Its that lack of control that brings unhappiness, and making financial and lifestyle missteps is one of the surest ways to lose financial and professional control and freedom in your life. This doesnt just manifest itself in terms of personal unhappiness thats just the start. It has negative physical and mental implications due to the stress of the situation. It has negative financial implications because many people drown themselves in treats, giving themselves little bursts of pleasure so that they can temporarily feel a burst of joy. What can you do? Its easy. Start taking control back. Even if you cant fully wrest control of the situation back immediately (sometimes you can, but often the situation is deep and complex enough that you cant), you need to start down that path. Here are some strategies for doing just that. Spend a lot less than you earn and bank the difference, so that you can make changes to your life if theyre warranted. Walking away from a miserable job is a lot easier if youre already living on less than you earn and have been doing so for a while and youve put away the extra money for the future. In essence, it was the start of our financial turnaround that gave me the ability to try new things and then eventually have the financial freedom to walk away from a job that was leaving me feeling crushed. The power of this strategy is that it frees you from being under the control of anyone who can turn the spigots of money in your life on and off. Before long, youll have the freedom to be able to move to another opportunity (like moving to a new job) or to just start ignoring a particularly troublesome one (like Jeff and Suzannes family issue). Eventually, you wont need to think about a spigot at all its a convenience, but not a need, and you can walk away if you dont like the relationship without needing to just jump to another opportunity. This can be challenging because one of the most obvious places to start is to cut out the stream of low-value treats that many people who feel unhappy and trapped use as a stream of happiness bursts in your life. You have to seek out other sources for those moments of bliss that dont require spending money. Spend less than you earn. Make that gap as big as you can without introducing new misery into your life. Use that gap to get rid of debt and start saving for the future, whether its retirement or any other significant life change. Thats the recipe. Focus on building relationships with people who enjoy doing the things you would do on your own (or with an army of clones of you). One of my favorite questions to ask myself is what would I do if I had to live the rest of my life on an island with 100 clones of myself? Meaning, in other words, that they all had the same internal desires that I do. What would I do? Id read a lot and have conversations about those books. Id go on lots of hikes and explore every inch of the island. Id play a lot of long, complex board games. Id make amazing meals and a lot of fermented foods and craft beer. Thus, this advice tells me to find other people who like to read a lot and talk about the books that they read. This advice suggests that I find people who like to do easy and moderate difficulty hikes (I dont like rock climbing and my balance isnt superb) and go on hikes with them. This advice suggests I find people who like to play long strategic board games. This advice suggests that I make a lot of meals and good food and beer and share them with people who appreciate them, and maybe find people who like to make them, too. Those are my people. I need to find them and build friendships with them. That way, I find companionship and friendship and affirmation by doing the things I naturally want to do anyway, rather than having to mold myself to appease others. This gives me much greater control over my free time and my hobby time. Who are your people? What are the things you would do on an island by yourself and 100 clones of yourself? Figure that out, then find people who like that, too, and make friends with them. That way, you dont have to change who you are or spend time or energy or money on things that you dont really care about in order to feel friendship and acceptance. Learn how to say no. Many people find themselves eventually trapped by a mountain of commitments and arrangements they brought on themselves by being unable to say no to others when theyre asked for something. This often leaves them feeling overwhelmed and unhappy and typically not performing at their best at any of those commitments. Heres something to consider if youre in this camp: if you feel overwhelmed with commitment or will feel overwhelmed if you take on something someones asking of you remember that you will not perform at your best on this commitment or on the other commitments you have if you say yes. In fact, by committing to more, youre likely going to end up with that other person in a worse position than if you had simply said no right now. I often turn things down by saying some variation on this: I really appreciate that you asked me to help, but I have to say no. My plate is already really full right now and if I took on that thing as well, not only would I not be able to give it my full effort and attention, I would also be letting down the things Im already committed to. I usually then follow it up with a suggestion of other people who might be able to help. Saying no in that way is more valuable than saying yes to something that overwhelms you and that you cant live up to in a quality fashion. It is far better to say no than to let someone down when theyre relying on you or to deliver a bad result. Plus, saying no preserves your sanity and also gives you the space you need to excel at the things that you do choose to keep on your plate. Give yourself the power to have control over whats on your agenda, so that you can fill it with just things you can excel at without being overwhelmed. Finally, be very wary of long term commitments you cant easily back out of. I absolutely love being a parent and its a role that fulfills me deeply, but if someone is asking me if they should have kids and theyre really unsure about it, Ill usually advise them to not have kids. Dont commit to having children unless it is a full-bore full-throated deep commitment, because a child deserves that from their parents. This is true with any long term commitment you may face in life. For example, dont get married if you dont think you can live up to those vows or youre not sure you can live your life with this person. Its better to say no than to say yes and fail that commitment and that other person who put their trust in you. If youre agreeing to something over the long term, youre ceding some control over your life and breaking that commitment is likely to be painful. Be very careful when doing this, and make absolutely sure that this is something you truly want. Dont walk into a huge commitment without high confidence. The message in all of this is simple: most of us feel happiest when we have maximum control over our lives. When we cede control over our decisions to others, by allowing things like our boss to push us into unpaid overtime or unethical tasks, by allowing ourselves to become financially dependent on things other people control, by allowing our emotions to be controlled by the approval of others, by committing to things and then growing to regret them, we bring unhappiness into our lives, and that unhappiness is often temporarily dealt with by overspending. Take control. Cut those patterns out of your life. Youll be happier for it. Good luck. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/whos-in-control-of-your-life/

Choosing the Best Rehabilitation Center Delaware Seaford

How to choose the best drug and alcohol abuse rehabilitation and treatment centers in Delaware Seaford

Do you or a loved one struggle with an addiction to drugs, alcohol or even?

It can seem overwhelming to get freedom from the chains of addiction and impossible occasionally.

There’s hope however, millions of individuals addicted to drugs, alcohol or have managed to get clean and stay clean with the help of organizations such as Alcoholics Anonymous or the thousands of residential and outpatient clinics dedicated to treating addiction.

Here at Find the Best Rehab Center we’ve been working since 2002 to help tens of thousands of people just like you get the help you need.

But if you have failed one or more times to attain lasting freedom after rehab, maybe after spending thousands of dollars, you are not alone. And chances are, it’s not your own fault.

Of the 23.5 million teens and adults addicted to alcohol or drugs, just approximately 1 in 10 has treatment, which too frequently fails to keep them drug-free. Many of these programs don’t use proven methods to deal with the factors that underlie addiction and set off relapse.

According to recent assessments of treatment programs, many are rooted in outdated methods rather than newer approaches shown in scientific research to be more effective in helping individuals achieve and maintain addiction-free lives. People typically do more research when shopping for a new car than when seeking treatment for addiction.

Kinds of drug, alcohol & substance addictions and abuse

What Substances Can Rehab Heal?

Most Common Kinds of Drug and Alcohol Abuse

Alcohol

Cocaine

Heroin

Marijuana

Methamphetamine

Opiates

Opioids

Tobacco products

The Way Rehabilitation Centers Help

Rehab is a treatment program designed to help those with addictions to psychoactive substances, specifically drugs and alcohol. Especially, rehab aims to stop addiction by acknowledging an issue exists and dealing with that issue. Some of the aims of rehab include:

Detoxification. It’s typical for those entering rehab to be high or have lots of drugs or alcohol in their system.

Overcoming denial.  No treatment for addiction will work if the patient doesn’t acknowledge they have a problem.

Understanding the nature of addiction.  People should learn that addiction is a disorder of the mind.

Formal diagnosis.  Rehab facilities commonly identify and treat co-occurring mental health problems.

Addiction Administration.  Rehab centers supply tools, techniques and methods for making behavioral and mental changes to remain sober.

Identifying triggers.  Rehabs help patients identify customs, character traits, emotions or cues that promote or encourage addiction.

Recovery support.  Rehab facilities help one construct and maintain support networks and connections.

Things to Expect in Rehab

There are several key elements to a successful and beneficial rehab program, regardless of the particular type of treatment selected.

Detoxification

Not many who enter rehab will need detox and those that do may require varying degrees of medical care and oversight. With the addiction, the entire body gets used to the addictive substance that eliminating it in the machine can cause extremely painful withdrawal symptoms. In many instances, the withdrawal symptoms may be harmful.

The exact detox procedure will rely on the substance and the severity of the addiction. But, all detox procedures will be supervised and executed by medical professionals who will produce the detox procedure as secure and comfortable as medically possible. The detox may last anywhere from a few days to a few Weeks and frequently happens in a medical facility.

Addiction Therapy and Education

The precise length and length of therapy changes. Most evidence-based therapies are going to have medicine and cognitive-behavioral element to them. More about that below.

Recovery Support

This generally entails finding ways to prevent relapse. The specific aftercare program is based on the individual’s progress and continuing needs. Examples of aftercare include counseling, support groups and sober housing.

Intake & Assessment

At this time, the treatment suppliers evaluate the individual to determine the very best treatment plan for this individual. Depending on the program, an interview, medical examination and/or psychiatric examination will be run. Among the things treatment providers will search for are the presence of concurring mental health or psychological issues. Relatives and friends may also be interviewed to gain extra insight into someone’s addiction.

How to Find The Best Drug & Alcohol Treatment Facility Near You

Because of the unique nature of addiction, there is an abundance of treatment options available. The best treatment option will be contingent on details concerning the addiction, like how long it’s been going on, the presence of co-occurring psychological health problems, the financial tools available for rehab and the substances the person is using. Each of the significant treatment options are discussed in detail below.

At a 2012, a study performed by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University discovered that only about 10% of individuals addicted to drugs or alcohol (excluding nicotine) received any form of addiction treatment. And most of those treated did not receive evidence-based treatments that use scientifically proven methods of fighting addiction.

Therefore, irrespective of which treatment option is preferred, there are particular traits or characteristics to watch out for when choosing a successful rehab option.

The treatment will last a long time. The specific quantity of time will depend on the kind of treatment chosen, but almost any effective treatment for addiction will last at least a couple weeks.

Avoid intervention-based, episodic treatments if possible. The most effective treatment will demand long-term help to cover the chronic disease that’s addiction.

The treatment centers on evidence-based therapies.

The treatment will use numerous treatments to deal with the multiple causes of addiction.

If any other psychological disorders exist, they’ll be treated at precisely the exact same moment.

A long-term follow up plan is in place to check in with all the individual after treatment is officially over.

Types of Addiction Treatment Centers

Treatment centers can be either Christian or non-religious, Inpatient or outpatient. Whatever your need we’ve got a treatment methodology which can help you to overcome your addiction.

Residential Treatment

Also called inpatient treatment, residential treatment is a detailed treatment that encircles the individual in a controlled environment 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Residential treatment could be long-term short-term.

Long-Term Residential Treatment

Long-term residential treatment continues at least two months, but could often last up to one year. This sort of treatment is considered among the most effective options available, though it’s also pricey.

The most usual long-term residential treatment program relies on the idea of a healing community. At a therapeutic community, everyone, not only the professional employees, play a part in helping the individual fight addiction. Treatment will often start with detoxification and handling the physiological facets of the addiction, but will soon shift into the psychological side of the issue. Because treating addiction often involves changing behavior, it can take a long time to implement these positive changes and make them permanent.

Additionally, the individual is surrounded by people who will fortify these modifications in behavior. They’re shielded from triggers and influences that lead to addiction, making the treatment that far more successful. For example, the longer a person has been separated from previous acquaintances and preferences having to do with the addiction, the more overseas and not as comfortable they will seem. This enhances the chances of preventing a relapse.

Short-Term Residential Treatment

In short-term residential treatment, the individual will reside in the treatment facility and be tracked 24/7 until the rehab is over. But it is going to persist for a far briefer period of time, often a few weeks to a couple months. As a consequence of the shorter time period for rehab, the approach differs from the long-term residential treatment choice.

Such as the long-term residential treatment choice, the person will normally go through detoxification and engage in behavioral and pharmacotherapies to tackle both the physical and mental aspects of addiction. However, with a shorter time in rehab, there is less chance of training, therapy and reinforcement of positive and constructive habits. Furthermore, there is not much prospect for a person to”grow distant” from their former life.

After the short-term residential treatment program is finished, the person must be diligent in completing follow up (aftercare) or outpatient treatment programs. A strong support network is essential to prevent relapse.

Outpatient Addiction Treatment

In outpatient treatment, a person doesn’t live at the treatment facility. The exact type of treatments will be based on the specific program, however, is frequently less intense and of shorter duration than inpatient programs. There are a few other significant differences as well.

Outpatient programs are ideal for anyone with extensive support programs. Because the treatment will stop if the individual leaves the outpatient session, so it is very important that they have family, friends or local support groups to help keep the treatment procedure. Without a supply of support and accountability after an outpatient treatment session is finished, the potency of the treatment program is going to be diminished.

Outpatient programs are good for people who want treatment, but can not afford to devote an elongated period of time away from their job, home or current living situation. Even short-term residential inpatient treatment programs often last a month. This is a very long period to be away from family or work.

Outpatient treatment is usually significantly less costly than inpatient treatment. However, even if it is not as effective as inpatient treatment, it is better than no treatment at all. A strong support network of support can drastically reduce the drawbacks of outpatient rehab.

State-Funded Treatment Programs

These rehab programs take a variety of kinds, including inpatient, outpatient, support groups and counseling. However, because they are state financed, the standard of care generally isn’t on par with private or luxury treatment rehab facilities. There may be waiting lists to enroll and also the ratio between professional staff and people is quite big. Additionally, a number of the newer therapy or medical treatment choices may not yet be available in state funded treatment programs, thanks to financial or bureaucratic factors.

More Factors to Consider When Choosing a Rehab Facility

Amenities

The conveniences provided during inpatient rehab are usually joined to the cost of this program. Luxury rehab treatment centers can offer plush accommodations, gourmet meals and recreational activities, such as spa treatments.

On the opposite end of the spectrum are state funded treatment programs. Most state funded treatment programs don’t even have enough money to offer the most effective treatment possible, such as having more treatment specialists on staff. Therefore, the amenities will be sufficient, but not luxurious.

Visitation

Visitation is advocated for most individuals in rehab. Familial and social support is vitally important to help fight addiction, particularly after the treatment is finished. Family members and friends might even take part in the treatment during their visits.

Get help for you or a loved one by calling our 24/7 National Addiction hotline

The post Choosing the Best Rehabilitation Center Delaware Seaford appeared first on Find The Best Rehab Center.

from Find The Best Rehab Center https://www.findthebestrehabcenter.com/choosing-the-best-rehabilitation-center-delaware-seaford/

1-200

200:My crush’s name is:Ya’ll don’t get to know that but he is a mutual.

199: I was born in: Idaho

198:I am really: Comfy

197:My cellphone company is: AT&T

196:My eye color is: Blue-green

195:My shoe size is: 7

194:My ring size is: I don’t really wear rings so I’m not sure

193:My height is: 5ft1

192:I am allergic to: SO MUCH STUFF Big ones are tho are bees, cats, and red onions

191:My 1st car was: 2001 Chevy Malibu

190:My 1st job was: Shelf stocker

189:Last book you read: 5th Wave?

188:My bed is: Big and cozy

187:My pet: Cute and wonderful

186:My best friend: @leeminlimer hes a really good cook but hes lonely so if you’re a cute girl hit him up lmao

185:My favorite shampoo is: Cherry Blossom

184:Xbox or ps3: I’m so bad at video games it’s not even funny

183:Piggy banks are: Cute and unreasonable for me

182:In my pockets:Probably a receipt from the grocery store 

181:On my calendar: Work and a doctors appointment on Friday

180:Marriage is: Sounds pretty cool to me

179:Spongebob can: Get really annoying but I also love it

178:My mom: She’s crazy and I love her

177:The last three songs I bought were? OK- Being as an Ocean

                                                                  Humblest Pleasures- Turnover

                                                                  Hum- Tigers Jaw

176:Last YouTube video watched: A bathroom remodel thing

175:How many cousins do you have? Cousin alone like 10? Including their spouses and kids like 18 I think.

174:Do you have any siblings? Three all older.

173:Are your parents divorced? Nope, they’ve been married for 30 years.

172:Are you taller than your mom? No -.-

171:Do you play an instrument? I used to know how to  play the guitar really badly.

170:What did you do yesterday? Helped replace the bathroom cabinets and clean.[ I Believe In ]169:Love at first sight: I guess so why not.

168:Luck: Yeah

167:Fate: Maybe?

166:Yourself: Eh

165:Aliens: HELL YEAH

164:Heaven: Yeah

163:Hell: So I think so but I have some conflicting feelings as to how I was always told we are all Gods children and he loves us and has a plan for us all but if you don’t believe in him you’re going to hell even if you’re a good person but if rapists and murders believe in God they’ll be forgiven and live eternally in heaven.

162:God: Yeah

161:Horoscopes: Nope

160:Soul mates: Yess

159:Ghosts: oooo yup

158:Gay Marriage: I like how this is in the same category as God and magic and ghosts. But yes.

157:War: Yes? I mean it happens?

156:Orbs: Like circles or ghost orbs. Yes to both.

155:Magic: Nah, I don’t think so.[ This or That ]154:Hugs or Kisses: Hella miss being kissed rn

153:Drunk or High: High, only pot tho

152:Phone or Online: Online

151:Red heads or Black haired: I look better with red but probably black hair on other people

150:Blondes or Brunettes: Brunette

149:Hot or cold: Hot

148:Summer or winter: Summer

147:Autumn or Spring: Autumn

146:Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla

145:Night or Day: Night, love me some starry nights

144:Oranges or Apples: Oranges but only if theyre tart

143:Curly or Straight hair: Curly on me

142:McDonalds or Burger King: Neither?

141:White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Neither? they make my stomach hurt

140:Mac or PC: PC

139:Flip flops or high heals: Flipflops 

138:Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: I’m already ugly and poor :/

137:Coke or Pepsi: Neither

136:Hillary or Obama: Obama

135:Burried or cremated: BURN ME

134:Singing or Dancing: Horrible at both but singing

133:Coach or Chanel: Neither I just said I’m poor

132:Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: I don’t know who those people are

131:Small town or Big city: In the middle

130:Wal-Mart or Target: Target

129:Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Staying loyal to Night at the Museum, Ben Stiller

128:Manicure or Pedicure: Neither, I don’t like strangers touching me

127:East Coast or West Coast: West

126:Your Birthday or Christmas: Birthday

125:Chocolate or Flowers: Flowers

124:Disney or Six Flags: Never been to either

123:Yankees or Red Sox: I don’t know anything about sports[ Here’s What I Think About ]122:War: I think that people fight for what they believe in at all costs but a lot of innocent people die along the way and it would be nice if people could settle differences without fighting but thats a fairys and rainbow daydream that won’t come true but on the other hand some people are incredibly shitty and need to be held accountable for their actions

121:George Bush: Jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams

120:Gay Marriage: Lettem get married

119:The presidential election: It was a shitshow and now look where we are fucktrump

118:Abortion: It’s a womans choice

117:MySpace: I made one in 5th grade and had no friends on it but I felt so bad ass

116:Reality TV: I don’t watch it

115:Parents: Mine are pretty alright

114:Back stabbers: Why do people have to be so mean113:Ebay: I’ve never used it

112:Facebook: It’s alright

111:Work: I touch strangers fr a living and as I said before I don’t like people touching me so I have 40 hours of personal hell.

110:My Neighbors: They  have really cute goats

109:Gas Prices: TOO HIGH (im poor)

108:Designer Clothes: SO SPENDY (im poor)

107:College: SO EXPENSIVE (im poor but need a degree)

106:Sports: I’m bad at them

105:My family: They’re bat shit crazy

104:The future: Hopefully it’s good[ Last time I ]103:Hugged someone: Last night

102:Last time you ate: I’m eating applesauce atm

101:Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: Today I saw a doc I used to work with

100:Cried in front of someone: Not sure

99:Went to a movie theater: Ummmm 7 months maybe more?

98:Took a vacation: December 2015 and that was my only vacation

97:Swam in a pool: A few years ago

96:Changed a diaper: When my nephew was a baby so fourish years ago

95:Got my nails done: Two years ago

94:Went to a wedding: Four years

93:Broke a bone: Never

92:Got a peircing: Had my nips pierced for a while about two years ago

91:Broke the law: A few days ago

90:Texted: Like 25 minutes ago[ MISC ]89:Who makes you laugh the most: Depression memes

88:Something I will really miss when I leave home is: My dog

87:The last movie I saw: Zodiac

86:The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Moving out

85:The thing im not looking forward to: Being in clinic

84:People call me: Sarah

83:The most difficult thing to do is: Have strangers in my personal space

82:I have gotten a speeding ticket: Nope

81:My zodiac sign is: Cancer

80:The first person i talked to today was: My mom

79:First time you had a crush: Four or five?

78:The one person who i can’t hide things from: My therapist

77:Last time someone said something you were thinking: Last night “ That’s so gross”

76:Right now I am talking to: No one

75:What are you going to do when you grow up: Be a teacher

74:I have/will get a job: Have

73:Tomorrow: Work

72:Today: Work

71:Next Summer: Be less chunky

70:Next Weekend: Go on an adventure

69:I have these pets: The best dog in the world

68:The worst sound in the world: Cutting Styrofoam or it rubbing together

67:The person that makes me cry the most is: Myself

66:People that make you happy: All my friends

65:Last time I cried: A couple weeks ago

64:My friends are: Pretty sweet

63:My computer is: Really loud

62:My School: I’m a adult

61:My Car: Is really REALLY sad

60:I lose all respect for people who: Are rude to waiters/ waitresses and children

59:The movie I cried at was: Marley and Me

58:Your hair color is: Dark brown

57:TV shows you watch: Stranger Things, The OA, Criminal Minds, The 100

56:Favorite web site: This hellhole of a site

55:Your dream vacation: Some place with lots of fun hikes and good food

54:The worst pain I was ever in was: The time I quit my job to go to the ER because my cramps were so bad I wouldn’t stand and I was crying and it was bad

53:How do you like your steak cooked: I don’t eat steak

52:My room is: Covered in dog hair

51:My favorite celebrity is: Jake Gyllenhaal

50:Where would you like to be: At a happier place in my life

49:Do you want children: Yes!!

48:Ever been in love: Nope

47:Who’s your best friend: Liam

46:More guy friends or girl friends: It’s even

45:One thing that makes you feel great is: Taking a shower

44:One person that you wish you could see right now: Any of my internet friends

43:Do you have a 5 year plan: I’m just trying to make it through the day

42:Have you made a list of things to do before you die: Kinda

41:Have you pre-named your children: I like the name Zena for a girl

40:Last person I got mad at: My sister for being an ass

39:I would like to move to: Washington maybe

38:I wish I was a professional: Adventurer [ My Favorites ]37:Candy: Sour patch kids

36:Vehicle: 1970 Chevelle SS

35:President: Shoutput to Roosevelt for making national parks a thing

34:State visited: Washington

33:Cellphone provider: AT&T

32:Athlete: ????

31:Actor: ????

30:Actress: ???? theres to many options and I don’t remember names

29:Singer: anyone who sings sad songs

28:Band: Being as an Ocean

27:Clothing store: A lot of my shirts are from target

26:Grocery store: Fred’s is the closest so thats where I go

25:TV show: Criminal Minds

24:Movie: Pacific Rim

23:Website: Here

22:Animal: Elephant

21:Theme park: I’ve only been to Silverwood

20:Holiday:  HALLOWEEN 19:Sport to watch: Soccer I guess

18:Sport to play: None I fucking suck at them

17:Magazine: National Geographic specifically any issue on space

16:Book:I really like the Shannara Chronicles 

15:Day of the week: I really don’t mind Mondays

14:Beach: I loved the ones in Maui

13:Concert attended: I’ve never been to one :/

12:Thing to cook: Pancakes

11:Food: Fried Ravioli

10:Restaurant: Jewel Lake Pizza and Chinese Food

9:Radio station: I don’t really listen to it

8:Yankee candle scent: ??? probably apple orchard or something like that

7:Perfume: Tuscan Blood Orange

6:Flower: All of em

5:Color: Yellow

4:Talk show host: Not sure

3:Comedian: Not sure

2:Dog breed: Muts

1:Did you answer all these truthfully? Yeah

Happiness Hack: This One Ritual Made Me Much Happier

When my wife and I moved to New York City in 2001, recently graduated from college and newlywed, we were eager to find friends. We knew nearly no one but were sure wed soon find a fun-loving group like the 20- and 30-something New Yorkers who spontaneously dropped in on one another on

We hatched a plan. After moving into our Midtown Manhattan apartment, we invited all the neighbors over for drinks by placing Kinkos-printed quarter-sheets into everyones mailboxes. Then, we waited for our versions of Chandler, Kramer, and Elaine to show up. But they didnt. In fact, no one did. As the ice in the cooler melted and the guacamole browned, not a single person among 100 apartments stopped by. Not. One. Person.

Recalling that episode now, we sound embarrassingly nave. We didnt realize friendships in the real world worked nothing like the ones we had forged in our dormitories, let alone those we saw on television. Yet as it turns out, our desire to belong to a tight community was far from foolish.

Recent studies have shown a dearth of social interaction with people you care about and who care about you not only leads to loneliness, but is also linked to a range of harmful physical effects. In other words: A lack of close friendships may be hazardous to your health.

Dying for Friends

A 2010 meta-analysis reviewed 148 studies involving over 300,000 participants and concluded that having weak social ties was as harmful to health as being an alcoholic and twice as harmful as obesity. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, co-author of the analysis, told Reuters, A lack of social relationships was equivalent to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

A more recent study, published in the , found a biological response to loneliness that triggers disease. According to the researchers, social isolation sets off a cellular chain reaction that increases inflammation and suppresses the bodys immune response.

Perhaps the most compelling evidence that friendships affect longevity comes from the ongoing Harvard Study of Adult Development. Since 1938, researchers have been following 724 men, tracking their physical health as well as social habits. Robert Waldinger, the studys current director, said in his recent TED Talk, The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period. Socially disconnected people are, according to Waldinger, less happy, their health declines earlier in midlife, their brain functioning declines sooner, and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely.

Lest we think having 500 Facebook friends might offer some protection, Waldinger warns, Its not just the number of friends you have its the quality of your close relationships that matters.

So what makes for a quality friendship? William Rawlins, a professor of interpersonal communications at Ohio University who studies the way people interact over the course of their lives, told The Atlantic that satisfying friendships need three things: Somebody to talk to, someone to depend on, and someone to enjoy.

Finding someone to talk to, depend on, and enjoy comes naturally when were young. In college, for example, we build strong bonds when nearly everyone around us is also searching for connection. But as we grow into adulthood, the model for how to maintain our friendships isnt clear. We graduate and go our separate ways, pursuing careers and starting lives miles apart from our best friends.

Suddenly work obligations and ambitions trump buddies and brewskis. It becomes impossible to be spontaneous without planning for weeks, if not months, in advance. Once children enter the picture, exhilarating nights on the town become exhausted nights on the couch.

Friendships Starve to Death

Unfortunately, the less time we invest in people, the easier it is to make do without them until one day it becomes too awkward to reconnect. Since we havent spoken for so long, we think, where would we even begin? If we were still close friends wouldnt we have spoken more by now?

This is how friendships die they starve to death. But as the research reveals, by allowing those friendships to starve, were also mal nourishing our bodies.

Case in point: Several months ago, I found myself in a funk. I now live in San Francisco and whenever someone asked, How are you? my reply was the standard Silicon Valley yuppie salute: Good! Super busy! Yet this wasnt exactly true. I wasnt good.

To put things in perspective, I wasnt bad, either. Things were fine. By all measures, more than fine I had a healthy family, a growing business, and interesting clients to work with. Id recently published a book that became a Wall Street Journal bestseller, and if my social media stats were to be believed, I had plenty of friends and followers.

And yet, the funk. I soon identified the problem: The more professional opportunities came my way, the more time I spent away from my real-life friends the people I truly cared about. Maintaining friendships with people to talk to, depend on, and enjoy takes time.

As an undergraduate, I first heard the term residual benefactor in an economics class. A residual benefactor is the chump who gets whatever is left over when a company is liquidated typically, not much. When were not careful, the people we care about often become residual benefactors: We leave them for last, giving them whatever bits of time are left over after weve attended to everything else.

The Solution, the Kibbutz

If the food of friendship is time together, how do we make the time to ensure were all fed? My friends and I have recently come across a way to keep each other close. It fits into our lifestyles despite busy schedules and a surfeit of children. We call it the kibbutz.

In Hebrew, the word means gathering, and for our gathering, four couples meet every two weeks to talk about one question sort of like an interactive TED Talk over a picnic lunch. The question might range from a deep inquiry, like Whats one thing your parents taught you that you want to pass on to your children? to a lighter, more practical question, like How do you disconnect from your iPhone on weekends?

Having a topic helps in two ways. For one, it gets us past the small talk of sports and weather, and helps us open up about stuff that actually matters. Second, it prevents the gender split that happens when couples convene in groups men in one corner, women in another. The question of the day gets us all talking together.

Consistency and Stiff-Arming the Kids

Every other week, rain or shine, the kibbutz is on our calendars consistency is key. Theres no back-and-forth emailing to find a time. We always meet at the same place, and each couple brings their own food so theres no prep or cleanup. If one couple cant make it, no biggie, the others carry on the conversation.

What about the kids? In our group, kids are welcome, but they dont run the show. Typically they play on their own, but if they interject, theyre given a stern response that sounds something like: Im having a conversation with my friends because my friends are important to me. Youre welcome to listen or join the conversation, but please dont interrupt unless its an emergency.

For our childrens sake, we want them to know that adult friendships matter. We dont want them to have to rely on TV to figure out how adults interact. By watching us, our children see that being a good friend means listening when others have something to share, and not being distracted by anything else including our cellphones, the football game, or even our own children (unless someone is bleeding). The entire affair lasts about two hours, and I always leave the kibbutz with new ideas and insights.

Most important, I feel closer to my friends. No, our group isnt as funny or spontaneous as the pseudo-New Yorkers I grew up watching on TV. But it turns out that fun wasnt what I was missing it was authentic, caring friendships. Making time to invest in my most important relationships finally snapped me out of my funk and provided the psychological nourishment I didnt know I was missing.

Not only that, it turns out the time I spend with my friends is also an investment in my future health. Forget diets and the latest workout routines. The best medicine may be to gather your favorite people around a table and make a toast: To friendship, and your health.

Heres the Gist:

Studies show adult friendships have a significant impact on our happiness and well-being.

Committing to my kibbutz has had the biggest impact on my happiness over the past year. Heres how our group works, but the lessons can apply to any adult friendship:

Book the time Reserve time on your calendar for the foreseeable future so there’s no guesswork or scheduling headaches about when well see each other again. Our group meets every two weeks.

Go deep Talking about a meaningful topic strengthens your bonds. Get past the shallow small talk. In our group, a different member brings the question of the day to each meeting.

Dont let kids derail you Children benefit from seeing you model a healthy adult friendship. Tell the kids they can listen or participate, but they cant interrupt unless its an emergency.

Read more: http://tcat.tc/2nX0I0T

from Happiness Hack: This One Ritual Made Me Much Happier