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leoninekelter · 3 years

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All of my Avengers headcanons!

- Steve- bisexual

- Bucky- gay

- Tony- bisexual

- Stephen Strange- gay

- Natasha- aroace (occasionally lesbian, depends on which one I’m feeling at the time)

- Cooks along with cap and teaches Wanda with him since she’s interested, Avengers would probably just get takeout every day if they didn’t tbh

- Wanda- pansexual

- Loves scratch and sniff stickers. She cam to America and didn’t find out about them for a year, and then one day she ran into the living room with a sticker sheet screaming “PIETRO HOLY SHIT”

- Her and Vision are now both obsessed, along with magnets. At some point everyone just sticks magnets on Bucky and Vision sometimes and they like it.

- Vision- non binary (he/they)

- Clint- bisexual, non binary (they/them, doesn’t have dysphoria and is AMAB), ADHD

- Since I don’t injure my nose a lot, I live vicariously through Clint and every other week they have a nose bandaid.

- After like, two days, they’ll show up and have several new bandaids in like seven new places Clint wtf we just fixed you

- Half of them are for decoration, they loved colorful stickers and then Wanda’s discovery just fueled his need for colorful bandaids

- Pietro- aroallo (homosexual) or homoromantic homosexual, depending on what I feel like again

- I simply reject his death. He is alive. Periodt

- Not to show emotions, but he’d literally die for Wanda

- In the first month of being in the Tower, he just stuck by her side and was ready to kill the toaster because they’d never seen half the stuff there in their life

- Rhodes- trans (he’s gone through his whole transition by now, doesn’t like to bring it up much. I did it because I can idk)

- Loki- genderfluid bisexual (they/she/he)

- They knot and untie their sweater strings when they are nervous or bored. When they aren’t wearing a sweater they braid their hair strands.

- I also live vicariously through Loki, and they have several ear piercings.

- Thor- lesbian (jk pan, but doesn’t care for a label)

- Bruce- biromantic demisexual, autistic + OCD (haven’t completely worked out this headcanon, but I love it lmao)

- Has a blue point Siamese kitten named Einstein Thor got him once

- On the corner of his desk is a really shitty card Thor made for him. It’s like his favorite thing in the world besides the Odinsons and his cat.

- Einstein’s fur is really soft and smells really good so he constantly (I can’t make this not sound weird but idk) rubs his face in his fur cuz it’s so nice

- Likes to listen to music to focus or calm down, like Cavetown or Walk the Moon or Green Day (specifically Basket Case)

- Valkyrie/Brunnhilde- Bi

- Chews on the collars of her shirts. This wasn’t a habit that developed until her first gf died :(

- This is why she tries to wear jackets and things that aren’t fabric

- Her teeth hurts if she bites too hard on things after years of this, because they chew so much

- It only happens when she’s zoned out now, though

- Yes this is me projecting onto characters leave me alone 😔

- Hela- lesbian

- Her hair is never kempt. She probably hasn’t brushed it in years. Her hairstylist almost got punched last time she tried to straighten it out, now she just trims the bottom to her best ability and doesn’t bother.

- Accidnetally killed Valkyrie’s girlfriend in a car crash years ago. Doesn’t like to talk about that or emotions, but it fucked her up. She cried a lot after it and only Thor and Loki know. She’s much rather have Val hate her than talk about it though

- More of a satanist than anything else, she kinda just vibes

- Ultron- non binary (duh)(any pronouns, masc)

- Nebula- lesbian (sapphic hehe)

- Tried to stab Mantis once because she thought she was messing with her emotions, when really she’s just gay

- Still hasn’t smiled yet. She will one day though.

- Mantis-pan, autistic (ahaha we love irony and Mantis in this house) she/they

- Really, really dense. Despite being an empath, can’t understand tone or emotions of others or herself very well.

- It is her only goal in life to make Nebula smile. As she gets better at interaction, she hopes to get better at making her smile.

- Doesn’t actually like to read Nebula’s emotions though, because Nebula feels fiercely. She looks so empty but she is so much more emotional than anyone she’s ever read.

- Starlord/Quill- Bi, ADHD

- Gamora- trans :))))

- Peter Parker- trans, ADHD, isn’t sure or medicated yet tho so F in the chat

- Venom- non binary (they/them)

- Eddie Brock- obviously gay, shapeshifting alien bf hello

- Carol- lesbian

- Maria- lesbian

- Sam- he’s straight in most of my stuff but if I feel like shipping him with a hoe (cough Steve or Buck) he gay now idk

Ships:

OTPS

Steve + Bucky

Tony + Stephen

Thor + Bruce

Mantis + Nebula

LOVE

Wanda + Natasha

Wanda + Vision

Pietro + Clint

Carol + Maria

Bucky + Sam

Sam + Steve

Sam + Bucky + Steve

Carol + Val

Wade + Peter

Peter + MJ

Peter + Ned

Bruce + Tony

Rhodey + Tony

NOTP

anything inc*st and/or p*dophilia. Pretty basic, but... seriously pls dni

Inc*st includes half/step/adopted siblings :)

OKAY

basically everything else I don’t rly care what you ship lol

WON’T MAKE CONTENT FOR:

anything shipping Steve with a girl, or shipping Nat with a guy. They rub me the wrong way but I don’t mind if you guys mind your own business, you’re still very good people I bet :)

#marvel #marvel mcu #mcu #shitpost #inspiration #tw inc*st mention #tw p*dophilia mention

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atlas-of-a-human-soul · 6 years

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Feelings, pt. 3 (E.D.)

Summary: Trying to forget about Ethan doesn’t really work if he’s not ready to be forgotten.

Warnings: angst and fluff

Word count: 2100

Part 1 Part 2

Day after day I busied myself with school and work, nights were usually easier to digest with frat parties and alcohol. Sure, it never really solves anything, but it kills the dreams and numbs the pain and I could live like that for a while with no issues. Ethan was the last thing in my mind, but he was still very much there, stuck in the back of it, scratching and biting his way to the surface. Two weeks have passed and all I got was a few texts, no calls, nothing. I thought about finding someone and rubbing it in his face, but he truly didn't care and I hated for letting myself think otherwise. Who was I to the great Ethan Dolan anyways? No one, apparently. No one.

Tonight was especially hard for me due to the fact it was the anniversary of the day I met him. One year exactly since I met and fell in love with one human being, giving my all without even knowing it. I found myself at another frat party, my eyes gliding over the sweaty bodies on the dance floor as I chugged the bottle of vodka in my hand until my eyes stopped at someone I actually considered attractive. He was already staring at me like an animal stares at its prey and for once I was a willing victim.

„I don't do one night stands. Not my thing.“ I told Ethan, playing with the hem of his shirt absentmindedly, my head resting on his chest, his arms holding me tight.

„I'm not opposed to them, but an actual connection during sex is nice.“ Ethan responded, his lips connecting with the top of my head, lingering for a few moments longer until he pulled back. I nuzzled my head into the fabric of his shirt, feeling his heart beat a little faster at the small gesture and I smile, knowing he could feel it as well.

„Yeah...a connection would be nice...Imagine how it would feel with someone you're in love with.“ I close my eyes, enjoying his fingers tracing soothing circles on my hip. If someone were to see us, they'd automatically assume we're a couple, but that wasn't true. Not yet, at least.

„I don't think I've ever had sex with someone I truly loved.“ Ethan murmurs, a heavy sigh leaving those plush lips I craved to feel moving against my own.

„Me neither.“ His heart jumps at my statement again before it settles into its usual rhythm.

„One day you will.“ He promises and for once, I believed him

The guy had his hands all over me, his tongue exploring my mouth like he was looking for something he had long lost, but I didn't care. I wanted to feel his smell, taste him and get the thought of Ethan out of my head. Why was I still thinking of him when another guy had his tongue down my throat? We collided against the wall inside the hallway, approaching my apartment bit by bit, not knowing how we got there. I wanted him to kiss every place I imagined Ethan kissing, caress each body part Ethan had ever touched. I needed to forget and I was ready to lose myself in him, whoever he was.

„Nice to know you're alive.“ A voice I knew all too well brought me out of the ecstasy I was drowning in and I jumped away from the stranger who had his hands on me all too intimately, feeling his touch burn like acid.

„Ethan. What are you doing here?“ I spoke, still out of breath, pulling down my dress. Ethan's eyes weren't even on me though, his gaze focused on the tall frat guy next to me. His eyes narrowed, turning a few shades darker as he approached us, his hands bawled up in fists like he was prepared to fight.

„Get lost.“ Ethan spoke, his voice low and deep, honestly intimidating. There was something in his eyes that spoke volumes of what he was prepared to do and the guy seemed to pick up on it as he left, leaving a little cloud of dust in his wake, or at least it's how my intoxicated brain registered the movement.

„Nice one.“ I frowned, walking past him, careful not to touch him. I rummaged through my bag, desperately trying to find the keys to the apartment. I could feel his body close to me, standing right behind even though I didn't hear him walk up to me.

„Where were you?“ He asked again, his hand settling on the wall by the door, his arm grazing my shoulder. Ethan was upset with me, but at this point I could care less. I was upset too...for weeks and he never bothered to check up on me. I was upset too!

„Busy.“ I remark and he chuckles dryly.

„I can tell. Busy doing random frat boys and drinking?“ Ethan spat, his words laced with venom and pure rage that had him shaking. I finally find the keys, opening the door on the first try and he follows me inside without a question asked.

„How long have you been doing this?“ Ethan asks again. I ignore his question, going to my room until he grabs my arm, yanking me back to him, turning me around to face him. I gulp, looking at him in fright. My heart knows he'd never hurt me, but all my brain could register was danger and he seems to realize that as his eyes soften and his jaw relaxes.

„I'm sorry. I had no right.“ He releases my arm and I rub over the area his hand was a moment before, trying to soothe the ache he inflicted.

„Exactly. You had no right.“ I reply, holding back tears as the adrenaline relents.

„I was worried.“ Ethan places his hand on my cheek, but I recoil at the unwanted touch. It's funny how I longed for his hands on my body and yet, here I was, moving away from the very thing I wished more than anything.

„I bet. Sure you even noticed I was gone?“ I turned away, throwing my bag to the bed, taking off the shoes that were so uncomfortable it felt like I've spent the night walking on glass.

„Of course I noticed! I noticed each moment that went by! God, I missed you so much.“ I sat on the bed, him falling to his knees before me. Ethan placed both his hands on my knees, pleading with his eyes.

„Didn't feel like it.“ I spoke quietly, aware that he must have heard it as the room was dead silent, our breathing being the only sound.

„Y/N, I missed you more than anything..but you asked me to stay away and promised to call when you were ready. I trusted you had a good reason, but this? Drinking and having one night stands? What is happening to you?“ Ethan asked and I didn't know what to say. How do you tell someone they're the sole reason for all your pain and not destroy them in the process. For so long I had allowed him to make me made me feel a certain way; when I was happy I was flying high, but now when I was sad, or lonely, or frustrated, I became angry with him. But why him? Why not someone else? I guess it's because he is the one I love the most, the one I feel most loved by. Was I angry he didn't even try to kiss away my pain? That he didn't even try to heal me with just words and kind eyes? Maybe.

„Someone broke my heart.“ I spoke, my voice cracking as the emotions were beginning to seep through. Ethan looked a little shocked, his previously parted lips now formed a single line, his jaw clenched like before.

„Who?“ He asked. I chuckled at his ignorance, wiping away a lone tear, my gaze averted elsewhere.

„You.“ I breathe the words out and he stands up, turning his back on me for a moment before he turns back around.

„Me? What did I do?“ His voice is a little higher, his hand running through his hair nervously and for a moment I'm captivated by that one simple move and the way his hair falls back in place perfectly all on its own.

„I'm not blind. I see you and Emma. It's okay tho'...I just need some time to digest the whole thing.“ My words had stilled him, making him look like he just shut down. I wanted to explain myself, try and salvage what was left of our friendship, but I couldn’t will my lips to move. As if stuck underwater, everything was slow and warbled as he pointed a shaky finger in my face.

„You think we're together?“ He chuckles dryly like I just told the worst joke in the world. I nod, reaffirming his thoughts and he scrambles to my side, taking both my hands in his bigger one, the other cupping my cheek.

„I promise you there's nothing there. She's a friend.“ Ethan speaks, a little excited and I shake my head lightly at his claim.

„So were we.“ I say and he frowns, his eyebrows furrowing together.

„Were? You mean ARE? We are still friends, right?“ Ethan inquires and I release a shaky sigh. How clueless can a boy be?

„We were never really just friends, Ethan. I never saw you as a friend. God, I've been in love with you from the start and I“ Suddenly, my pointless rambling was cut off by a certain pair of soft lips I once only dreamed about. It wasn’t like one of those close-mouthed kisses like you do when you’re in eighth grade and you’ve never held hands before with a guy. It was a full on, open-mouthed, almost sexual kiss. And I loved it. I loved the way my small body melted into his and the way our lips fit like two puzzle pieces. The way he relented as I played with his hair and held me tighter and tighter, relinquishing all space between us.

„Y/N“, he whispers slowly, prolonging each letter as if to savor them. I smile, my heart fluttering at his deep voice as I clasp my hands on either side of his face. Never before has my name ever felt so wonderful leaving someone's lips. But these weren't someone's lips, these were HIS lips and it felt right.

„Ethan?“ I whisper against his lips and he pulls back, his forehead resting against mine.

„You have no idea how long I wanted to hear you say that.“ He smiles, his nose brushing against mine gently and I can't hold back a smile either, opening my eyes to look at him. His eyes were still closed, his breath mingling with mine as I craved to pull him in for another kiss, but I needed to ask him something.

„What do you mean?“ It sounds stupid, I know. But I needed him to say it, I needed to hear the words. Ethan opens his eyes and I’m breathless from the emotions swirling inside them.

„I've been in love with you from before we even met.“ Ethan said and I pull away, looking at him quizzically and he raises an index finger before explaining.

„When I ran inside that library you worked in, there wasn't a date I was running from. I made it up after two weeks of trying to gather up the courage to approach you. I saw you when you left every day while we filmed in the cafe across the street and I knew I needed to meet you...so I did.“ His words had left me speechless, completely and utterly stunned but happy.

„But why did you spend so much time with Emma and all the flirting and the heart eyes?“ I asked and he chuckled

„Heart eyes? I don't know if there were any heart eyes sent anyone's way but yours! I just felt bad for her. She has a story matching ours and I wanted to give her someone to talk to. Help her out. However, I promise you, there was never anything on my behalf. You're the only one.“ He didn't need to repeat that as I had already pressed my lips against his, pulling him down to the bed. That was the first of many nights we spent making love with someone we were actually in love with. Ethan promised I'd get that eventually and he never fails to deliver on his promises.

#ethan dolan #dolan twins #emma chamberlain #grayson dolan #ethan dolan x reader #ethan dolan fanfic #ethan dolan fluff #ethan dolan imagine #ethan dolan x you

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kairi-chan · 6 years

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I Got You (XX) - BoruSara

Title: Confessions

Genre: Romance / Angst / Hurt

Rating: T

Chapter 1: Childhood Friends, Chapter 2: The Dinner, Chapter 3: Disconnect, Chapter 4: Spill It, Chapter 5: Nighttime and Bottles of Beer, Chapter 6: Sunsets and Ninbucks Frappes , Chapter 7: Past and Present Dates , Chapter 8: Contemplation, Chapter 9: Awkward AF, Chapter 10: Punch Some Sense Into You, Chapter 11: Anything For You, Chapter 12: Reason For Jealousy, Chapter 13: Permission, Chapter 14: He’s Perfect, Chapter 15: Dreaming of You, Chapter 16: The New Girl in Town Chapter 17: One Down Chapter 18: Heart to Heart Chapter 19: Seriously Serious

A/N: An update. Fucking finally, right? Brace yourselves, fam.

Mitsuki walked along the halls going back to his dorm. He pulled another late night studying at the library, only leaving when the librarian shooed him because it was time to close. Nearing midnight, there weren’t many students hanging around the campus or along the dorm halls. Although he did see some guys coming back from the shower rooms. Right when he turned the corner, he bumped into a girl on the way out.

Her large brown eyes were shocked to see him--recognition flashing on her face. “S-sorry,” she stuttered and scurried away.

His eyebrows furrowed at the center. He forgot her name, but Mitsuki was sure he had met or seen her somewhere with Boruto before. His stomach knotted and heart twisted. Why did he have a bad feeling about this? Hastily fishing his keys out of his pockets, Mitsuki unlocked their door and found Boruto lying down on his stomach, playing with his handheld console.

There was nothing out of the ordinary here except for one thing, Boruto wasn’t wearing anything except for his boxers, hair messy and his clothes were all over the dorm as if he was in a hurry to remove them. His bed was also in a state of disarray.

“Oh, hey Mitsuki,” Boruto greeted him lazily. “Do you have food? I’m starving.”

It was an innocent question, nothing wrong. Just Boruto being Boruto. Although for some reason, it made Mitsuki’s blood boil. “Who was that girl in the hall, Boruto?”

The edge in his voice startled the blond. His brows furrowed together and gave Mitsuki a questioning look. “Who?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Boruto. The brunette who just left our dorm.”

“Ah, Yumi!” Boruto laughed. “That was nothing.”

Mitsuki saw red. “Nothing? Boruto, why are you doing this? Aren’t you dating Sumire?”

Boruto sat up and shrugged. “It was just a one-time thing. Sumire and I aren’t really serious, either.” He then smirked. “Since when did you care about who I’m seeing?”

Mitsuki approached Boruto and punched his right cheek. Boruto fell back on his bed and held on to his cheek, eyes wide and filled with shock and confusion. “What the fuck was that for?”

“Just checking if you can still feel something,” Mitsuki replied casually. His features then hardened. “Why are you doing this? You don’t have feelings for any of these girls.”

“How the hell would you know?” Boruto yelled, face contorted in anger. He rose to his feet and leveled his glare with Mitsuki’s. “You say that like you’ve had experience with these things, ya know?”

“I don’t need the experience to know that you’re playing around to cover up how you really feel.” Mitsuki was not backing down, his golden eyes burning with anger. He just couldn’t understand why Boruto couldn’t own up to his feelings.

“Don’t start with me, Mitsuki. Not about my feelings for Sarada or anybody. It’s not that simple!”

He balled his fists so tight his knuckles were turning white. “What is so complicated?” It was really so hard to fathom. Boruto has feelings for Sarada and Mitsuki was more than willing to bet his pet snake back home that Sarada felt the same. It wasn’t fair for anyone else to be caught up in this mess. “You love Sarada and I know she loves you, too. You two always have.”

In their trio, he was the last to join. Boruto and Sarada have known each other since they were born and they shared so many experiences and secrets that Mitsuki would never know of. He didn’t mind these one bit, and he never felt out of place, either. It was a sort of silent understanding between the three of them. However even if, Boruto and Sarada never made him feel like an outsider. At some point, Boruto and Mitsuki were always together and there were secrets that Sarada would confide in with Mitsuki instead of Chocho or Boruto. It’s just how things always were.

Hurt flashed in Boruto’s eyes and he looked away, slowly slumping down on his bed. “It doesn’t matter anymore how I feel about her, Mitsuki. She’s got Kagura. She’s really happy with him--I’ve never seen her this happy, ya know? Plus, he’s a good guy. I don’t want to ruin this for them.”

Mitsuki stepped back. Boruto matured over the years, for sure but it was surprising to hear this kind of selflessness from him. “But what about you? Dating someone while knowing you’re in love with someone else isn’t right.”

“I know,” he whispered. “But Sumire’s great and I do want to try dating her seriously. I need to get over Sarada.”

“You don’t use people like this,” the venom was back in Mitsuki’s voice.

Boruto snapped his gaze back to Mitsuki. “Well, what am I supposed to do then? Just wallow around and do nothing?”

“You could own up to your feelings and see where that takes you.”

The blond glared at Mitsuki but eventually lowered his gaze and sighed. “I can’t do that. It will hurt too many people.”

“You’re already hurting a lot of people as it is,” Mitsuki rolled his eyes and sat down next to his friend. “You might as well just rip the band-aid off quickly and allow the wound to breathe.”

“Eww, are you using med school metaphors?” Boruto looked at Mitsuki and laughed. Eventually, Mitsuki found himself laughing, too.

“If it helps, why not?” He grinned.

“You’re right…” Boruto admitted and shook his head. “This isn’t going to be pretty, though.”

“Things that are worth it don’t come easy,” Mitsuki stated.

“Oh Kami,” Boruto groaned. “You got to stop hanging out with Chocho.

Mitsuki grinned. “Let me fix your cheek for you.”

Boruto puffed his cheeks but didn’t really need to since his right cheek was already swelling. “You didn’t have to punch me, ya know?”

He smiled innocently. “I was just checking if you were listening.”

“Yeah right!”

It looked like things were looking up.

Kind of.

A/N: An updaaaate. Finally! I was reviewing the original outline but I’m not so sure if I’ll follow it now. Too much hurt and drama. hahaha. Let’s see tho. ^^

You can read more of my stories in my master post, or visit my FFnet!

If you like my work, care to sit down and have a ko-fi with me?

#borusara #borusara fanfiction #borusara fanfic #boruto fanfiction #sarada fanfiction #boruto x sarada #boruto #boruto uzumaki #sarada #Sarada Uchiha #mitsuki #I Got You #borusara college au #borusara au #fanfiction

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aimeetiggzx-blog · 5 years

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I Used to Think My Abusive Relationship Was My Fault. Now I Know I’m worth more.

I have spent most of my teenage years in emotionally and physically abusive relationships. Until a almost a year ago, I thought I was the worst kind of damaged goods, a girl who could only love men who hurt her I means that’s been my past since I was 15. 5 years now! I didn't want to talk about my experiences at first because I thought that my kind of pain was self-inflicted. If I was stupid enough to stay, I deserved it,

I know there are three sides to every story. In this article, you're going to hear one and that’s mine - Aimee Carver. I don't write this with venom. The men I've been involved with were handsome, smart, charming and talented. There were good times. The bad times outweighed them.

Most people don't know I've been in (to clarify again) emotionally abusive relationships. From the outside, I'd bet my life looks pretty great. Some parts of it always were. I guess I am proof that there is no likely candidate for abuse.

For a long time, I found my romantic past, when the hits started happening I started dreaming of all my ex-boyfriends again.

Trauma is a funny thing. It hides in the shadowy corners of your mind, resurfacing when all you want is for it to be erased from your memory forever.

I'm writing this for a lot of reasons. Some of them are:

I think abusive relationships are an epidemic in our society. It could help someone understand their friend, their sister, their daughter who keeps going back. It could help someone who keeps going back. Because articles like this helped me. Because what trauma really wants is a voice. To anyone who needs help, You think you are crazy. You're anxious all the time. Your heart beats quickly. You have a lot of questions for your boyfriend at the time that you don't feel like you can ask. You wonder if you're always being lied to. You spend a lot time in the past, likely when you first fell in love him. You apologize constantly two your new lover, When you explain your fights to anyone who will listen, no one understands why you're apologizing. You are always confused. You're high as a fucking kite when he's nice to you. He says "one small thing," and with an embarrassing clarity, you are reminded of all the parts of yourself you hate. How can he see those parts so clearly? You cry a lot, you hide a lot. Sometimes you know why. Sometimes you don't.

You are not crazy even if you think your going insane your not.

When you're with your boyfriend in my case my ex you're usually with just him alone. You feel weird around your friends and family, the people you used to feel the most yourself and safest around. You can't remember how to feel like yourself anymore. Now, being in your own skin is like a long dull headache that won't lift and then that slowly feels like normal. Pretty much all your thoughts about yourself are negative.

"I used to be funny, why aren't I funny anymore?"

You think you are crazy.

“Why ain’t I perfect”

“Why ain’t I skinny”

“Jumping over a hug”

There will be good days with your boyfriend. There will be miraculous days of exquisite and suffering beauty between you two.

The sad truth - On these days, you will feel better than the best and like everything's okay. You will believe that the chaos has made you stronger; that he loves you more than anything. These days are bright spots in the darkness that has descended upon you. They are the moments of hope that you'll cling to, your proof that everything is okay, until one wrong word is said and your in hospital due to his harsh actions.But at that time moments aren't a life. Moments aren't enough. You deserve weeks, months and years of feeling like everything is okay. You deserve a lifetime of that.When your relationship ends like mine did, you will drown in the confusing, competing narratives in your head, just like you did while in the relationship. Memory is going to be a weird thing for you for a while. Grief is a delusional state.

We really loved each other (so you thought) I could've helped him if I'd tried harder (but you tried and failed) I'm not perfect. And sometimes, I don't think love should feel like this.

The latter will be quieter, the former will roar inside you. Some days, you will think you left the most beautiful relationship and the truest love in the whole world. Some days you will think you are just hysterical and crazy and that you weren't being abused at all. Until very recently, I still had days like that. After you break up with him, you might not feel an immediate sense of relief, empowerment or really anything that resembles "I know this is the right thing." You will likely feel very alone. Unfortunately, coming out of the fog with your eyes open is more painful than slipping into one without noticing.

But just always remember: feelings aren't the truth. You aren't the worst off you've ever been. Expect the sadness. It sounds crazy but welcome it. That sadness is going to live in you for a long time and it will teach you a lot. I know you don't believe me, but that sadness is your friend. That sadness is your becoming.

Not everyone you lose is a loss.

Tell your story no matter how murky the details seem at first. Keep talking. Read every article you can find on abuse until you feel an intellectual understanding of what happened tunnel into you emotionally. The head will come first, your heart will follow; it will all become clearer.

If you're lucky like I was, you'll find a therapist that can help you. And now I’m in a healthy, beautiful, loving relationship with my boyfriend Louis. It’s early stages but it’s the best kind of love feeling ever. He taught me what love is like, he taught me care but most of all he taught me to be myself again and for that im greatful every single day to you!

Don’t get me wrong you will have to reflect on your past relationship. Don't blame yourself for not leaving sooner, and don't let anyone else blame you, either. In moments of trauma and shock the brain has a funny way of protecting itself. It's called disassociating. You have done a lot of this. You will remember about three months in your ex-boyfriend did something and it was like a mask was lifted. He showed you a person you had never met before. I mention this because statistically an abusive person will do something that throws you completely off balance within the first three months. Then, they will be really sorry.

You will come to learn that real love is not a cycle of cruelty, effusive apologies, a honey-moon period, then a dreaded waiting for the other shoe to drop followed by more cruelty. Abusive relationships are defined by this pattern. When you do leave, you will realize that the space that your relationship took up was enormous. It was, whether you knew it or not, the monkey on the back of every thought you had. When it's gone, the emptiness left in its wake will feel like an ocean around you

It will take way longer than you want to "get over it," and you will think you will never reach the shore.

You will. When I was newly single and going on dates, this is how it went. First, I dated blindly and way more than I should have. I was attracted to guys who were like all my ex-boyfriends, physically and emotionally. Then, I started dating people who were completely different but whom I was not ready to love. Like a teacher, I observed how they treated me with a confusing detachment and thought, "Oh, so this is what it should be like."

"So, this is what kindness is like."

Dating made me feel like the loneliest person in the world for a long time. I wish now I hadn't done it at all, but withdrawal is painful and uncomfortable. I was willing to try anything to feel just a little better. But trust me just like me your king will find his way to you and it will be a little weird at first but that weirdness goes and it will become the most perfect thing in your life.

But in every process till you are full over it You will miss your ex boyfriend in a way you didn't know was possible and you don't think should be allowed. You will want to get back together. Abusive relationships fuck your brain chemistry up. They're addictive, and the withdrawal is not fun.

Don't worry tho baby girl.. with time, your brain will even out. In awhile, you won't want to be with him anymore. Crying helps you detox, so do a lot of it( I still cry alone due to all the horrible flashbacks and memories) you just have to find someone who’s willing to understand and help you over come them not make them worse. So does sleeping, exercise, therapy, eating healthy, seeing your friends and laughing.

For me, alcohol didn't really help I broke down every time trying to kill myself due to the fact of feeling so dirty and broken Or I guess, it did, until it didn't.

When you're in the withdrawal phase, you'll begin to understand why you thought being in an abusive relationship was okay for you. You're going to have to look at a lot of your past and your inherited patterns it’s best to do that alone.. It can get heavy but knuckle through it. You can do it. I’m proof that it can be done.

You will tell people that know your ex-boyfriend about what happened and how he treated you. Likely, no one will be surprised by his behaviour. Likely, no one will confront him. This is one of the saddest parts of our world. You will feel like the last one in on a sick joke.

Your ex-boyfriend will probably never apologize to you. If you do hear from him or see him, he will make you feel crazy. He's really good at that (like sending pics of him and his new girlfriend kissing) He will likely minimize your history, dismiss your relationship and pull the rug out from under you again. The way he frames you and your relationship will be distorted.

I believe that amends can happen, but usually, not in a timely manner. Like you need time to really unpack and understand why it all happened, so will he. Now factor into this that you have the desire to understand yourself and your behaviour. The closure you desire is a myth and it's not reachable in one conversation. Closure happens slowly and keeps happening. You'll give it to yourself.

If you leave your boyfriend for someone else, beware. Until you truly understand why you were in the situation you were, emotionally and intellectually, your subconscious will have a sad way of attracting an identical relationship that looks completely different from the outside. This is not always true.

At first, when the fog is lifting, you will look at your past self with shock and disgust. Then, later, you will look at your past self with sadness. Then, with understanding. Finally, you feel the most visceral pride for the moment you left, even if you didn't want to because you did that on the blind faith that life might be better on the other side. You did that on hope alone. You didn't know what you do now. That's so brave.

“You are so brave”- the only words I need to hear yet waiting for it.

I know how scared you are. I still get scared. My years of all the recovery has been the most challenging and rewarding of my life. It's not perfect and I don't think it ever will be. I get lonely and restless. I live with those feelings. Actually, I try to understand them. One day, your life will look like a version of mine. Things will keep getting better and better, faster and faster. Good things will keep finding you. You will be really happy. That happiness will get so big that you won't notice how the sadness is lifting until it's almost gone.

My life is full of hard work, art, friends who love and support me, friends that I am lucky to know. I have more energy than I know what to do with. I am the most productive I have ever been. I sing, I dance, I have meaningful conversation, I rest, I laugh a lot, I stay out too late. I am closer to my family than ever before. I found my way back to my old friends.

Maybe I'm becoming myself again.

Finally, (I know you're worried about this) you will meet someone else. You will fall in love again and this time, it will be about more than your wounds matching up with someone else's. It will be different and it will be better(I’m proof of that too my new boyfriend is my world for all the good reasons) But something becomes more important to you than romantic love and it's called self-worth. It will feel like it happens almost over night, but you will grow to love the person you are.

You should.

You fought hard to become her.

So love her.

Love Tiggz

AimeeCarver

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defaultjane · 7 years

Note

"jealousy isn't cute on you" cleon

Ask and ye shall receive! …no guarantees about the quality tho (I think Leon’s out of character but so he was during the entire Vendetta-movie and I don’t know how to write Claire to save my life and neither did the guys who wrote Revelations 2 ,but here goes!)

”For the last time, Leon, I’m not your lawyer, you shouldstop calling me when you’re thrown in jail,” Hunnigan said as she waited forhim to collect his things so that they could exit the jailhouse.

“I’m sure your cat will forgive you for leaving him alonefor twenty minutes despite it being a Friday night,” Leon remarked a littlemore venomously than he’d intended to. Hunnigan stopped in her tracks andturned to look at him and he sighed, meaning to apologize but she spoke beforehe had a chance.

“You are the worst thing that has ever happened to me,” Hunnigansaid before crossing the parking lot with long agitated strides.“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean..!” he called out after her, butshe was already gone, driving away and leaving him to find his own way home.

“Ah, shit,” Leon exhaled and stuck his hands into hispockets, beginning the long walk home. His drunken state was wearing off and hewas slipping from impervious to becoming painfully aware of how much hisknuckles hurt. They rarely showed that side of this situation in movies. The lack of the massive punch-sound effect inreal life was also disappointing.

When Leon finally got home, he was surprised to see thatClaire was not already packing histhings into suitcases, or frantically throwing everything out into the yard andpouring gasoline on it. Instead, she sat on the couch in the living room andwhen she saw him, she turned the TV off and slowly crossed her arms over herabdomen while narrowing her eyes at him. It was a feminine but an oddlythreatening gesture.

“You’ll be glad to know that Neil decided not to presscharges,” Claire told him.

“Well, remind me to send him a thank you-card,” Leon said, spreadhis hands to the side a little and took a series of tiny “I’m not worthy”-bowsbefore going to the kitchen to grab a beer.

“Stop it, Leon, this is serious!” Claire said, got up andfollowed him. She grabbed the beer from his hand while he was in the middle oftaking a sip. Some of it spilled onto his chin and dripped to the floor as thecontents of the bottle foamed over as she yanked the bottle suddenly, but shedidn’t care.

“What the hell?” Leon frowned as Claire tossed the bottleinto the sink and leaned in closer to him, her finger pointing into his chest.

“Do you even understand what the hell you did?” she snappedat him.“Yes, and that dipshit had it coming!”

“Why? What did he do? Did he remark on my tits or ass? Makelewd comment about what he’d like to do to me? What?” she demanded.

“Well, yes, to all of it, basically!”

“Well, welcome to my world, I hear shit like that every day,it’s called being a woman. But I don’t go apeshit and beat up every idiot whomakes remarks like that.”

“I bet you’d want to though.”

“Yes, but that isn’t the point!” Claire yelled in exasperationand shoved at him, turning to face away with her hands on her hips, shaking herhead in disbelief.

“Then tell me what is the point,” Leon said, rubbing hispalm over the spot on his chest where she’d poked him.

“The point is that I don’t need nor do I want you toturn up and pretend to be some white knight who rescues me from the lewd remarks someone makes, I don’t wantthat! If I need to, I can stand up for myself, and most of the time, I’d ratherjust ignore them,” she scoffed.

“Or, maybe you don’t mind the comments since they came fromhim.”“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m just saying that it’s usually called sexual harassmentonly when the guy making the remarks is unattractive, but bring out a douchebagin a chinstrap and suddenly it’s called flirting,” Leon said, his tone of voicethe typical tone you’d hear from a child making the common “nya-nya”-taunt.Claire blinked slowly, her mouth slightly open as she tried to comprehend thatLeon out of all people was behaving the way he was right now.

“Jealousy isn’t cute on you.”“Good, because I’m not trying to be cute!”

“Seriously, do you hear yourself… like… right now…when you’re talking… do you hear the words coming out of your mouth, do youunderstand how ridiculous you sound?” Claire asked, speaking intentionallyslowly as if indeed talking to a child.

“Mock all you want, but you know I’m right.”“I am not getting into this argument with you,” Clairesighed in exasperation.

“There is no argument because I’m right!”

“Sure. Fine. Whatever. Go take a shower and try to sleep itoff. On the couch,” Claire said in an icy tone over her shoulder as she leftthe kitchen and headed upstairs, slamming the bedroom door shut behind her sohard the glasses in the kitchen cupboard clinked.

Leon grabbed another beer now that Claire wasn’t there tothrow it out, and then proceeded to the living room, slumping onto the couch. Whyshould he be the one sleeping on the couch, it was his house too, damn it.

Yeah, but then again,I’m the jerk who beat up Claire’s boss… but for a good reason… even if shedenies it…

He wasn’t sure what part of him thought this could possiblybe a good idea, but he was already doing before even realizing; he dialedHunnigan’s number. He had a question he wanted her to answer.

“Oh, my God, what!” she yelled at him as she accepted thevideo call.“I’m sorry.”“You should be. For various reasons.”

“Your towels are so fluffy! Why can’t I get mine— oh, sorry,who you talkin’ to?” a woman wearing nothing but a towel and a green necklaceinquired as she walked across the frame, Leon getting a decent view of her figure but not her facebefore Hunnigan turned the phone so that he could see nothing but the ceiling.

“The reason I had to run out in the middle of dinner,”Hunnigan responded.

“Tell him he’s a dick,” the other female voice said.“You’re a dick,” Hunnigan dutifully relayed the message.

“That was actually all I needed to hear because the reason Icalled was to ask you if I’m a dick,” Leon said.

“I’m amazed you thought there would be any other answer tothat question. Good night,” Hunnigan retorted and ended the call.

“Well, whaddaya know, she did have a date,” he chuckled atthe dial tone.

“Aw, fuck,” he then sighed and leaned back on the couch. Hefinished his beer in a few long gulps before heading into the bathroom to takethat shower Claire had told him to take. Instead of feeling relaxed as the hotwater washed away his mood, he was fuming.

I am not sleeping on the couch.

Once drying off, he went upstairs and slowly pushed thebedroom door open. He waited for a moment for his eyes to adjust to the deepblue darkness in the room and was half expecting to find Claire sitting on thebed with a shotgun aimed at him. Instead, she lay down, the covers pulled toher shoulder, hugging his pillow to her chest. Once upon a time she’d told himshe’d begun to playfully refer to the pillow as Scott since she had a habit ofcuddling it while he was away because it smelled of him.

You are so adorable itmakes my chest ache, he thought, a small rueful smile on his lips. He gotinto bed and lay on his side, resting his weight on his forearm as he leaned alittle closer to her.

“Claire… can I have my pillow back, please?” he whispered.

“You’re not even supposed to be here,” she humphed andpulled as far from him as she possibly could without falling off the bed.

“Look, I’m sorry. I overreacted, and you’re right, you don’tneed me to rescue you, I know that… but at the same time, there’s a part ofme that thinks… that you’re my girl and that I should beat the living shitout of anyone who disrespects you. I know it’s not as charming in real life asit is in movies, but…”

“Oh, so you were just defending my honor. Well, that makesit all better.”

“I’m not saying it does, I’m just saying that’s whathappened. Hearing him talk that way about you made me go a little a crazy.”

“What did he even say?” Claire then asked, finally turningto face Leon and he cleared his throat awkwardly.

“I’m not sure I feel comfortable repeating that.”

“In other words he didn’t say anything that bad, you just blew it out of proportion,” Claire said,quirking an eyebrow and Leon inhaled and exhaled deeply.

“He was staring at your ass and said ‘Damn, I’d like to cutthat cake’.”

“That’s it?” Claire scoffed and Leon shrugged one shoulder.Hell, she’d heard worse in third grade.

“You are such a… I don’t even know what you are,” sheshook her head and smacked him with the pillow.

“I know, I know… I’m sorry. I really am,” he saidsincerely and put the pillow aside as she settled to lay on her back and sigheddeeply as if trying to decide what to do with him.

“You’re a good man, Leon, but sometimes you do the dumbestthings for the stupidest little reasons. I really need you to work on that or Idon’t see how we’re ever gonna make this work,” she muttered.

“I understand, and I promise to work on it.”

“…all right,” Claire said quietly, a hint of disbelief inher voice, clearly she wasn’t going to believe it until she’d see it. Leon felta bit hurt by the obvious mistrust, but at the same time he took it as anincentive to prove to her that he could and woulddo it.

“All right,” he said as well and finally lay down as well. Theyremained silent in the dim room for a long while and Leon was sure Claire hadalready fallen asleep when she finally reached over and put her arm over hismidsection, pushing herself tightly against him. He raised his arm a little andput it around her shoulders, pulling her closer in the sweetheart’s cradle andpressed a long soft kiss onto her forehead before resting his cheek against thetop of her head. He closed his eyes and exhaled happily when he felt her breathon the side of his neck.

“Hey, Claire?”“Yes, Leon?”

“Hunnigan’s girlfriend called me a dick.”“Oh, poor you. Do you need me to go kick her ass?”

“No, but am I dick?”“Yeah, but you’re my dick.”

“…I can live with that.”

#resident evil shenanigans #ask #anon #cleon #claire redfield #leon s kennedy #ingrid hunnigan #helena harper #hunniper

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estherroberts · 7 years

Text

june barlowe

part of advanced PLACEMENT: an ars PARADOXICA high school au about a gang of queer teen nerds, by @estherroberts , @podcastmecaptain, and @lizzieraindrops

all three of the aformentioned dorks are responsible for the hijinks found in this post. today though, it’s @estherroberts especially. (that’s me!)

click here for the au masterpost | track #ars placement for updates!

ALSO: things aren’t always showing up in the tags, so your most reliable bet is the aforementioned masterpost.

this is one of many individualized advanced PLACEMENT works, for the stories of each character involved. we each picked three kids to write about, and this is the second one of mine! without further ado, here’s june!

june and her family are from california

specifically, a little suburb outside of los angeles

her childhood as far as she can remember is pretty great

she’s been playing viola since she was little

she has an older brother who plays football, they pretty much stay out of each other’s way

her parents both make a lot of money, but her father gets this wild idea that they absolutely have to move back to the town his grandfather was from, and he and his wife always work from home anyway

of course, it’s point-of-exile, CO

and to june, it does feel like an exile, because she is leaving everything and everyone behind

june barlowe is 14 years old when they move, and she has lived her life blissfully believing that she is a heterosexual. she does not, in fact, really spend much time thinking about it

sure, there were gays in la. but did she have reason to talk to them? or consider that she might be one? not really

june is tiny her freshman year. tiny and scrappy and already angry, tho at what, sometimes she doesnt even know

it’s the first day, and she’s in orchestra, 6th period. she might be new to the school but she’s been playing viola for years and she knows if she cant make friends anywhere else she’ll at least have the strings

and helen, though new to high school, is not new to the kids, or somehow, the band room, or the teacher

and june is just kinda floored by her, because she’s literally so beautiful and confident and so out of june’s idea of normal that june is just like, what. the fuck.

and helen asks her what she plays and she says viola and helens eyes light up because she heard all the violists graduated and they needed new ones and sorry dear what was your name again

and june says june, and helen says, “that’s my favorite month” and june is just, like, dead

helen asks june to come to lunch with her and they talk about everything and everyone and it doesn’t take long before they already know each other’s life stories and have moved on to gossiping about everyone else

june, because she’s june and she’s cis, puts her foot in her mouth multiple times during the course of this conversation and but helen can see that she’s trying and helen is helen, even at 14, and so she explains something and gently tells june when she’s said something offensive

and june, tho performative in most of her emotions, manages to keep her cool and just nods and takes in helen’s corrections

they become friends really really fast

three months into their friendship they have their first downton abbey tea shit-talking session at helen’s house and it’s the most fun june has ever had

they make it a weekly ritual and alternate between their houses, at first with some raised eyebrows from june’s parents, but they learn to hide their judgement lest they risk incurring june’s already protective fury

or helen’s cool superiority

sophomore year things start to get rough at june’s house

her parents fight all the time and she hides in her room and practices viola as loud as she can so that she doesn’t hear them anymore

but it never works

her older brother sometimes comes into check on her but he’s kind of a stoner so he isn’t too much help

and she gets worse grades and her parents are Disappointed and she gets angrier

she starts having trouble keeping all that anger inside of her

she doesn’t have the motivation or the dedication to work on improving her performance in school, the only thing she wants to do is work on her music

she still has weekly tea with helen, and when she’s done ranting about her parents she listens to helen talk about her first girlfriend, the one who later goes to boarding school

and june starts to wonder if the fluttery feeling that never goes away when she’s with helen is, well, if it’s a crush

because it certainly feels like one

she tries pushing it to the back of her mind

tries to pretend it’s not there but

she can’t really hide it from herself anymore

june’s parents, who could never stand to have a daughter make her career in the arts, push her to take up a sport

she joins track, and meets quentin, and god help her he is the cutest button ever and so smart and she helps him train and he helps her with science and he promises to join orchestra the next year

everyone on the track team ships them

early in june’s junior year, they start going out

he always pulls out chairs and holds open doors for her

he’s always ready with a sarcastic quip under his breath, usually intended for just her ears

he doesn’t flinch away from her sharp edges, literally or metaphorically, and neither is he afraid to be soft around her

and somehow, she kind of relaxes into that

they get along sooo well and there’s a Lot of physical chemistry too and she’s just, she can’t believe she’s lucky enough to be with someone like him, someone as good and generous and stable as him and someone who makes her laugh the way he does and-

and june is happy with quentin, really truly happy

and she tries to tell herself that this is enough, that this is all she needs

it almost works.

but god damn she’s still getting butterflies when helen plays with her hair, or holds her hand, or tells her she’s beautiful

and one afternoon they’re watching like a gay movie or something at helen’s and june is upside down on the couch with her head dangling off and she says “hey, helen” "yeah?“ "i think i’m bisexual” “that’s delightful!” “thanks”

(a side note here, if you’re wondering how helen sees her best friend june:

in helen’s eyes, june is so so full of life and passionate and she gets invested in everything and she’s impulsive and impatient and furious and so so powerful

and she loves deep and hates deeper and holds grudges and fights terfs and homophobes on the internet and goes after her goals and never holds back

and sometimes, when june’s with quentin, or laying on the couch, her legs in helens lap and clutching a pillow, sometimes, she melts

and helen melts too )

and that’s pretty much it and things proceed as normal for them

and june, who is both literally and figuratively growing into herself (shes v tol now) looks online at all the bisexual resources available to her and consumes them all

she comes out to quentin too and they have a “i’m bi!” “i’m a demi guy!” moment and it brings them a lot closer together

they jump up and down

it’s fucking adorable