#im still gonna try to do the whole month
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Day 7: dreaming
#undertale au#shattered dream#shattered dreams au#shattered dream sans#shattered!dream#Shattered#shattered september#ShatteredSeptember2023#THERES STILL AN HOUR TO MIDNIGHT SO IT COUNTS#I have drawn nothing but shattered for like 8 days straight#my current mood is#im so fucking tired#im still gonna try to do the whole month#also yes this is meant to be day 8. i swapped the prompts and did day 8 yesterday#Laurart#I have a headcanon that Shattered really likes rabbits so I kinda indulged for this one :)
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no ones ever gonna understand how much i love daigo doin this stupid shit after dissolving the tojo
#snap chats#is this a gaiden spoiler. its been like five months catch up you nerds#ANYWAYYYYY NOO I LOVE HIM ....... this whole bit is like four seconds long but i love it so much#i just reminded myself i should probably make gaiden/y8 videos for daigo.. i'll make it a JP/ENG comp or somethn.. one day#not soon tho like its barely anything since he's not in those games Long At All but still. im lazy 馃拃#excuse me while i gush about daigo for twenty minutes now because hehee HE'S SO CUTE I CAN'T GET OVER IT#this is literally the middle aged equivalent of going yippee like YOU CAN TELL HE'S SO RELIEVED IT'S SO CUTE#got the energy of a student with crippling anxiety after they somehow get through giving a presentation without throwing up#AND his lil smile ......... thank you gaiden you made me wanna eat drywall with daigo's sad puppy dog eyes about kiryu#and then immediately made up for it a minute later#sorry i keep scrolling up to look at him and i love him so much. what if i threw up#i dont like using babygirl lightly but this is actually the most Babygirl frame of him ever ive decided#thats my boy .... i love my boy so much ..... he's so cute ... come so far in life congratulations king ..... ily ...#him lookin up at the sky for a minute just to breathe i know he thankin god for the fact he somehow isnt dead yet#im gonna ignore the fact all of this was for naught so i dont bash my head against a wall anyway stan daigo#im gonna be sick i love him so much#if i redraw this later shut up. i love him...#this is why i try not to look at cutscenes anymore cause when i do i feel my brain being put in a microwave and start to melt#its not my fault i love my guys so much .... ok bye i have work to do ....#and then when i finish that work i can go back to loving my guys YAAAAAY !!!!!!!
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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OK WAIT here's a ITNL chapter 14 section that's not really spoilers. just a sweet lil section
after this is where it's more Spoilers. but for now. HERE U go. happy birthday vash & also Uhhhh @ ITNL readers I PROMISE i am working on the chapter. things r just hard lol
#speculation nation#itnl shit#spoilers bc of uhh. Conversation. i wanna keep the conversation a secret for now lol#not bad spoilers it's just better digested as a whole probably#ANYWAYS heres some more vash & kaite bro time. god im gonna miss kaite when we gotta say goodbye to him#but he's still here for now and he gets to watch vash tinker with his (very internally fried) arm#before and after this section is vash inspecting the damages & thinking of what he can do to try to fix it#which i do have a lot written. but im gonna be going thru it for accuracy & also keeping in mind the thing from earlier#the possibility that average operational power of his arm comes from vash himself rather than extra batteries#this is with the assumption that a (relatively) small output of electricity is not smth that would fuck with his lifespan#just a normal expenditure of energy. like moving his flesh muscles. just a constant lil stream of electricity that he gets from eating & w/#no need to dip into his life reserves for it. bc if he did that would get impractical.#idk im going to think about it more. i really dont Need to figure out how his arm works#but listen. ive built a robot before. im in polytech. i wanna think about wtf his arm actually Is#even if this is coming in the context of all the internal wires being blown & a bunch of shit straight up Melted#his arm is... very very blown... he's gonna be going one-arm for a While still lmao. oh well#i think it's a good thing to remember that he is in fact physically disabled. he can make up for it Especially in a fight#but it still will inconvenience him in a lot of ways. cool biotech arm is cool but also it's nice to remember that he Is physically disable#and so i am embracing it. he's tinkering with his arm in his free time but if he has to spend weeks (or months) w/o his prosthetic#well that's just the reality he's gotta live#anywyas. Here u go. snippet. that's a few hundred words so idk if this counts as a snippet but im calling it a snippet. Here You Go
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#i said i was gonna see how today goes and decided about resigning then#well its 2:30. im just gonna do it#like. omg. the manager asked me how i felt about hoe it was goi g snd i was just like..... idk#he said 'a little improvement is better than nothing so just try 馃榾' BRO??????#that's what ive been doing for A MONTH is trying and improving a little bit and you're telling me he cant even tell??????#bc!!!! he thinks i just dont wanna do it ajd anxiety is an excuse ive said this the whole time!!!!!!!!!#but fr. before this its been 'talk to EVERYONE' now he says a little is ok but he doesn't think ive even done that.#nice :)#also someone came in wearing an eras shirt and i wanted to say smth to her about it but my anxiety was too high already#so. if this is gonna be what every shift feels like i cant keep doing it#and if i come back after vacation im just gonna be prolonging the anxiety bc im still gonna have to quit at some point#i still need to look for a new job#might as well get it over with now ig#my stomach hurts :)#she was a baker girl
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let me tell you. i have read 21 out of 38 of the extant canonical plays of william shakespeare. the first one to make me close the book and think "well i wish that had been better" was henry v.
#i read it in under a week so i can't say it was a huge waste of time but like. dawg#do you guys remember how furiously i was blogging richard ii and henry iv parts 1 and 2 earlier this year???#i was OBSESSEDDDDD#i told myself i was gonna read other things in july and put off reading henry v until august bc i wanted smth to look forward to#and i wanted to sit and enjoy the henriad more slowly#it was such a dull ending to a tetralogy that had 3 beautiful and diverse plays preceeding it#it kinda ruins the whole series for me sdfsf#no. not the whole series but i dont think i can ever enjoy all 4 of this plays in sequence like i did the wars of the roses#which i was also blogging about in a frenzy when i read them several years ago and watched jane howell's productions last month#henry v is a skip#tales from diana#there have been other shakespeare plays that i ended and felt kinda nothing about but usually bc i had a hard time reading them#like let's say i slogged through them slowly#like king lear i read on and off for months. so i wasn't really in the rhythm of it#same w love's labor's lost#i want to rewatch those plays sometime soon bc i kinda have no memory of them#but i still enjoyed the poetry and characters of them while i WAS reading them#even if my own pace kinda didn't get me the most out of it#i consumed henry v comparatively. im not sure how many other shakespeare plays ive read in under a week tbh?#i try not to keep track of time bc reading a play is different than watching it. it feels like punishment for me to try and#make scruples about how much i should or shouldn't be reading at once. bc a play is meant to be consumed in a couple hours#so if i leave off at a weird spot. it's like well. just get back into it diana#there is no 'right' place to leave off really. shakespeare's plays didn't even have intermissions#but yeah. if anything im grateful i didn't take a punishingly long time reading it or else i'd be even unhappier abt it
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Been a bit since i posted a selfie. Have girls & curls
Til there's a limit to how many tags you can have on a single post. I guess that makes sense but how am i to ramble in the tags now with only 30 tags???
#well only one girl but yknow#I'm about to head to bed for tonight#ended up spending my night basically just chilling on tumblr clearing out my likes lol#made a chili tonight that turned out decent enough#my mini painting projects continue to go well#i noticed a stain in my sink looks like a sandile so that amused me#uhhh what else has been happening with me#excited to do board games with friends this weekend#finally got a therapy appointment on the books after months of searching and waiting#been continuing to think a lot about stuff like relationships and sex and stuff lately#went to visit my ex and hang out last weekend but it kinda went from just being a hangout and chat thing to a sex thing#and that was super uncomfortable#like i didn't necessarily not like it for a bit but i wasn't really that into it and the whole time it felt like i was just putting on a...#... performance for their enjoyment rather than really enjoying the acts we performed any myself#i appreciate they stopped when i did finally openly express my discomfort of course but i think i was uncomfortable long before then#been watching a lot of horror focused YouTube vids lately#(i am absolutely not good with horror)#its kinda nice to see horror content where it's through a filter where someone else is summarizing and analyzing it#though that still unnerves me frequently cause i am just that bad with horror#but it's giving good inspiration for some possible stuff for a monster of the week campaign im gonna try running soon#I've been so depressed lately (and burnt out my friend claims) that i had to stop DMing (one of my oldest pasttimes) for like three months#but I'm hoping I'm on an upswing#and while part of me thinks that maybe I'm just done DMing - like i got out the stories i wanted to tell and there's no more fuel left -#i feel like i owe it to myself and to my regular group to at least TRY again#even if i fail horribly#so we're gonna finally try running motw for the first time#i dunno i think that's all the big news stories from ya girl that are fit to print#eri blogs life#i hope y'all are doing well too btw#the world is a big and scary place at times but there's so much beauty in it and i really hope y'all are finding that beauty
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think i migght acactully drop out of school lmao i cannot do this shit anymore . i was fine a second ago but the thoughts got too strong and so now im Mad
#school doesnt start for another month and im already stressed and i just know that when school does start my mental health is just#going to rapidly decline and im gonna not have energy to do anything anymore n im sjut gonna fucking die#like if im being honest since i stopped going to school last year around like november/december my mental health has been Better#not good and not great but better than it is when im in school and i feel like that says a lot.#idc if dropping out means my entire family disowns me my moms already tired of me not going to school bc ive been struggling since#6th grade and its like. ok.#i might as well just not try#like ill be doing online school this year so not going back to public school but still dude i dont want to#i dont wanna do this shit for another 2 fucking eyars ive struggled enough already i cant Take It#i wanna fuckin move out so bad i dont wanna do this shit no more <3#evereyones like 'oh i could never drop out of school id ruin my relatinship with my mom' n its like#ok well for me theres no relationship to ruin between us in the first place. she hates me and i hate her n thats just how its gonna be#she already is like ignorant when it comes to school n me being in school so why even fuckin bother this year right#seriously just considering dropping out i really dont wanna do this becauuse doing school is just going to take such a tolll on me and like#i just . dont wanna go through it! im done! the american education system can suck my dick.#i dont even think im gonna graduate at 18. i dont think im gonna graduate ever. i didnt finish 6th grade and completely skipped 7th#i pretty much failed 8th bc my grades went down bc i didnt go to school bc of the whole covid thing n i manually passed but that#doesnt count bc i was already skipping school n didnt do the online classes. i didnt finish 9th bc that was also during like the height of#the pandemic and 10th was just a disaster and on my last day i had pretty much an anxiety attack in my 4th period bc my teacher was#a fucking loser.#so. im just done! im fucking done.#not gonna graduate. oh well.
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uggghhhhhhh I'm sick of people I hate people so god damn much cause I try so god damn hard every fuckin day to be "normal" and only when I'm absolutely over the top in my opinion is it deemed normal
like fuck I thot I was being a cartoony obnoxious piece of shit but no that's fuckin bare minimum so people don't cry when I talk to them like. I don't get it why tf I gotta be so overdramatic about every god damn thing to not upset people????? I know my voice is monotone and since it's dropped so much people take everything I say as rude or condescending and I don't get it!!!!!!! I've been in speech therapy when I was a kid and the lady just went "yeah your kid is just like that there's no fixing it" like fuck I don't get it because every single time someone's mad at me they make me feel like shit for something that I've TRIED to fix for fuckin 2 decades but just. I can't. I physically cannot no matter how hard I try I fuckin can't I have to be over expressive with my face so people don't cry
just. idk what to do cause it's so hard to be over the top constantly it takes so fuckin much out of me but if I be my regular self customers and coworkers cry I just. idk what to do
#vwitty banter#my bsos and the whole management team here are gonna be reading a book about being a good leader and getting things done in a way that work#and thankfull my boss isnt mad at me cause he can tell that im trying as hard as i can and that i genuinely care about my coworkers#just. idk qhat to do#cause id always been told that other people want to help others so i approached being management that way#but#thats not working in the slightest and makes people think im being lazy for not doing all the cleaning every fuckin day#and making shit up about me taking 30 min to an hour long smoek breaks#when i dont even smoke anymore#and they say i still do that shit#when i quit over a month ago#like. idk???????#im so confused i dont get why people are making shit up#i just dont get it#this book were supposed to read is like 'everyones selfish and wont do anything unless you convince them its for their good#i dont want to think everyones like that#i know im not like that#i hope im not at least
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my fos think i look sooooo hot in a wetsuit (<< manifesting)
#I MADE THIS POST ON MY MAIN EARLIER BUT LIKEEEE. i am craving. attention.#ive also been reading. mermaid fics lately. thryre so good#<< trying 2 get inspiration to write stuff abt subnautica but also hasnt written anything creative in months#aughgughhh#me when wetsuit makes my chest look sooooo flat and i feel so cool and professional and#wetsuit hot !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#esp before i get my hair wet so ive still got like. my natural poofy hair and ALSO wetsuit???? ideal look forever#me purposefully leaving my hood down when i dive so that my hair gets all floaty in the water#i love to be sooooo cool and awesome in the water#wait that just gave me an idea nooooooooo#im not gonna write it or draw it bc. difficult and short. but.#when theres people on the other side of the glass we get to play like. patty cake w lil kids and wave to them n stuff#what if. that but fucking. cute as hell . doing the whole putting my hand over their hand thru the glass...#drawin a heart in the algae while im cleanin.....#<< desperately trying to romanticize work bc i do not get a day off for the next two weeks
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crying shouldnt cause headaches, thats just cruel honestly.
#the bin#i went through to figure out costs more and im most likely not gonna be abek to bring almost any of my belongings#i can probably manage to at least bring my pets. my sisters boyfriends cat cant tow and it doesnt have a lot of space in it so im not gonna#have much room for anything at all. i guess maybe its a good thing my sister wont be coming then :/#honestly. im not actually THAT upset. he seems fairly chill and respectful of my boundaries. moreso than my fuckin sister is. not that thats#hard to accomplish. if i set a boundry with her she will most likely break it repeatedly and then also refuse to apologize#im still uncomfortable with it but not much more than i was with going with her anyway. i van just keep earbuds in the whole time probably#im really upset that ill have to leave my stuff here though. with her. i hate that. and im also probably not gonna have a bed when i move#and ill be sleeping on the concrete basement floor so uh. that sucks. a lot. my aunt probably has an air mattress i casn borror for a bit#im also probably gonna see if i can convince my sister to let me take one of her beta fish and the one tank she has for it. its a small tank#so i could easily bring it. its too smalm for the poor thing but its gonna be in that if it comes with me or her so. and i wanna get it#something better. ive become pretty attached to it after taking care of it for the past 4 months. ugh the fact she just ditched me with her#fish pissed me off so much too. not to mention the snakes were supposed to be a shared pet but she just stopped dling anything ever and it#became exclusively my responsibility to care for them and pay for all their stuff. she should not have pets of any kinda#im trying blt to be really upset. i can hopefully bring my most important belongings at least. his car isnt THAT small. and then ill only#need to pay for the gas and thats it and i can definitely afford that. hhhh. ill figure it out. i hate this :/#my head hurts so bad from having a 2 hour long meltdown. im so upset over our whole relationship and everything#she just keeps doing selfish things over and over again and treating me like an idiot for not knowing things she didnt tell me#specifically treating me like im stupid for not knowing she isnt gonna be able do what she specifically told me she could#im im so mad at her for the ditching me and the repeatedly taking advantage of me specifically for money and fucking me over#wnd everything before that. our whole relationship. im seo stressed abt this. i have nobody now.#i hate her so much. im glad i can clearly see how abusive things have always been bug it doenst make it sting any less#and it doenst helo the fact she continues this behavior now too
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Looked in the mirror and I think i've somehow bruised the inner part of my eye??? Which makes sense because it's been hurting me but... How?
#its like the normal pink and then its just completely all dark blue on the inside when its normally all pink#think i had a small little bleed to because theres a really dark red threak at the bottom of my eye but#im not able to get by blood clotting meds right now so thats expected i guess#virus rambling#on an off note i think im gonna try to make and sell some bracelets because i cant afford my meds still#my blood clotting medication is still 20-80$ for only one round which is 5 days worth#and i typically do two rounds a month#then my hydrocortisone which is the med that is most important is 100+ and i have a couple extra bottle of it saved up#but im still cutting my doses because i dont know how much longer this whole insurance issue is gonna last#i dont know i might just do like fandom type stuff and then some other things#just something anything because yeah ive been feeling sick from skipping and cutting my med doses
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its been like two weeks since i fucked my back up and uhm there's been zero improvement in my back pain. starting to get concerned
#brot posts#my brother fractured his spine when he was in high school so uhm. every time i get concerning back pain thats where my mind goes to#especially bc he didnt have any symptoms except very mild back pain. nothing that would be immediately alarming like a normal bone fracture#so. im vaguely thinking of going to the doctor if this persists but#1. a fucking tree fell on my car last week and its gonna be in the shop for a few weeks#insurance is covering everything BUT. i need to pay the insurance deductible still. -_-#so regardless thats a random $500 payment i was not fucking prepared for#im borrowing my dads car and hes renting a car so thats also an additional payment on my family as a whole#and 2. im going away to see the eclipse on april 8th so im trying to save money for that too#between gas and food and missing work and shit#so yknow. i really do not want to be physically incapacitated rn in case i cant drive the 8 hours to see the eclipse#or in case i cant actually go to work bc i cant do physical activity with a broken back.#and i especially do not want to fucking deal with whatever god damn payments i might need if i have a broken back#therefore. im gonna put it off for at least the next month i think#so uhm. if this pain persists until.... april 10th. /then/ its really concerning and then i'll go to the doctor#but otherwise i'll just nurse it still. lol
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So many fic ideas I want to write,,,,,,,but no alas I must resist,,,,,,I gotta get SOMETHING going for my graphic novel so I can actually start drawing the thing before I write anything else 馃様
BUT ALSO WHAT IF I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT THE SILLIES
#ive got three whole fic ideas i want to do right now but i cant#whisper court HAS to come first or its never going to happen#randy rambles#if anyone is curious. two are pathologic. one is the mechs#the mechs one is a very quick 1-3 chapter thing of that thing i drew a while back#where lyf and TS are the only ones left after DTTM#very short cause i cant think about it too long or it makes me sad but i still need to make it#just for this one scene#one of the patho ones is one ive been wanting to make ever since day 3 of playing the bachelor route#where its just. game mechanics. messing with the days and resetting them until things finally work#but maybe they never will but they have to keep trying#but i wanted it to be artemy pov so i was gonna start it months ago but i waited#and now im glad i did cause i didnt realize how involved clara was in their stories until i played her too#the other patho idea was one of those classic marble nest but daniil is fine ones#but very specifically fighting off thr pest and only being able to cure him with a shmowder#actually has long lasting effects and leaves him disabled#cause everyone ive seen so far just cures the guy#guys no. hes dying. badly. let him e disabled and let him be so fucking pissed that he is#trust me its funny#ANYWAY. i cant. i shouldn't. not until im at a spot where i can draw whisper court instead of writing it#but who knows how long thatll take 馃槶#the fatigue has taken everything from me 馃様
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evening dedicated to The Horrors
#i just need to fucking vent man#i cannot fucking live like this anymore#i still dont have the tags for my car and its almost been a year#a whole year where i didnt go ANYWHERE but work and home and sometimes special occasions when i felt i could risk it#and the daily agonizing fear of being pulled over again and getting a ticket that i cant afford because i cant afford to pay for my tags#ive gotten one of those smart watches that can track your heart rate and stress and im genuinely developing a heart problem from stress#when i was driving home tonight i think i mightve had an arrhythmia which was a scary feeling#im going off of caffiene from here on out because im starting to be afraid that i might have a heart attack#im twenty fucking five years old and im so stressed and scared about money that im afraid of a heart attack#i miss being able to go and do things and just get out of my generally shitty house#i feel like i would be a totally different person if this was just finally taken care of#someone who doesnt feel like they need to hospitalize themselves because the neverending stress is making you suicidal#because it feels like it鈥檒l never end and i鈥檒l be scared and hurting forever#because how the fuck am i gonna get almost $2000 when im going through a garnishment#like i can barely afford to pay all my billa#fuck i CANT even pay my bills my mom is covering my phone bill this month#because i鈥檇 have to choose between car insurance or a phone#and god for fucking bid i ever lose my insurance#the level of fear i would have just trying to get to and from work would kill me#and the longer this goes on the more i wonder if that might actually happen#im smoking way more because im stressed. i cant sleep because im stressed. i cant eat because im stressed.#all things that preclude some pretty serious cardiovascular problems#i have a doctors appointment on tuesday to discuss my heart#im nervous for it but who knows#i have had an exceptionally high heart rate but maybe the arrythimia was just psychosomatic#my money troubles have completely stopped my life and i cant see a way out#i feel like im drowning and like im going clinically insane#i was outside sitting in our carport and a cop drove by and i was so terrified i spent 10 minutes hiding in an empty room#looking through the blinds to see if they were gonna come do something#i am so afraid that i have considered quitting my job because the commute is so stressful and upsetting
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UGH
I'm so tired of being anxious I hate it. It's a fucking nightmare all the fucking time and it's over the stupidest shit that doesn't even need me to be anxious over but my brain is gonna obsess over it anyways. It's a neverending cycle and I'm so so tired
#personal#some things happened at work today and now I'm anxious for the whole night and maybe even tomorrow#nothing particular but it's frustrating i feel like I've been anxious for the last 3 weeks in a fucking row#it's a lot of little things that DONT really need me to be anxious about but bc my brain is wired like this it happens anyways#and ppl telling me not to be anxious LITERALLY causes me to be anxious bc OH HAHA NOW IM BOTHERING PPL WELP#I got a week off in feburary so im gonna be doing a trip to Oregon to check out a school and also to be out of my house away from mom#i feel like it will do me some good#this month was fucking horrible 1)car broke down 2)work shit all hit at once and wasn't my fault but i still had to deal with it#3) MORE work shit hit the fan and I'm STILL dealing with it#and 4) my mom is being an asshole so I'm hiding in my room and trying to study so i can get that second job and move the fuck out#i just wanna sleeeeeeep but bc im anxious im not gonna be able too#wait i have melatonin maybe that will knock my ass out hmm hopefully
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