#im so fucking tired all the time not even just bc of the typical depression but also just bc like. im in pain
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yknow what i can definitely say accutane definitely played a role in my declining mental health but not in the way most people claim it. i can say it contributed due to the physical side effects effects. because being uncomfortable at best, and in constant pain at worst, is well uhm. not the greatest thing to experience day in and day out. the only thing getting me through it is that this should be temporary
#im so fucking tired all the time not even just bc of the typical depression but also just bc like. im in pain#im physically so exhausted all the time#brot posts#man my therapist referred me to a psychiatrist so im gonna discuss medication with them first#im not entirely sure if i want to but like i kinda do . but i need to know the side effects first#if it causes body aches again i just cant take this anymore lmfao im at my limit. no more#i dont know why it would but i dont know anything about medication so i just. well thats what the psychiatrist consultation is for#if i dont see an improvement in my body aches within idk like 6 months post ending accutane then i need to see a doctor#i cant live like this forever lmfao im at my limit !!!!
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i like to hc (or i think it’s canon. like it was heavily implied) that athy has a mental illness..? depression i think. ( pls let me have this ok! i know it’s so cliche but i also have mdd and her character just hits me esp her reincarnation as a person in our world and she... died 😭😭😭) also i like how functional she is? like yes she has dark thoughts a lot, but she has a good facade. she is strong (i mean she’s lived under poverty, no parents AND most likely worked at customer service) works hard, and smiles and keeps doing all of it, she doesn’t want to die bc of claude. do we know if she overdosed on purpose? was it an accident? we can’t know exactly. *LONG (AND I MEAN LONG) rant ahead i tried to make it make sense and this is just my own experience i’m sure other people will see it differently. you don’t have to read this, so please skip it if you don’t want to read this! and if you did and if you’d like, tell me what you think x*
what we do know is that she opened her eyes and she’s suddenly... a pitiful princess. and you know what? she’s not having any of this. she doesn’t want to have yet another shitty life. and yes she’s tired and she keeps wondering if what she’s doing is right. if she’s making the right decisions. when it gets REALLY hard she thinks “i thought i’d finally be happy”. she’s felt so lonely, and scared, finding a real friend like jennette, i think her fear of possible death if jennette were to be noticed by claude is surpassed by her wanting an actual connection with someone. to be loved. and who better than her sister? 🥺🥺 LISTEN IM A FIRM BELIEVER WMMAP SHOULDNT HAVE ROMANCE AS A MAIN THEME (especially in the novel where everything is more fucked up, here it’s more family centered) idk why they were shoving a lucas romance so fast when my girl athy is having a breakdown. for me, she just needed a friend. i think she had finally found a healthy connection to someone. jennette is her sister. and! she loves athy unconditionally. she’s never scared of her because she knows jennette would never want to hurt her. in fact, jennette would almost die for her like twice. (talking manhwa) i wish we could have focused more on the sibling bond in this story because it does athanasia so good. and i think, it’s a parallel with ana and claude’s relationship. athanasia and jennette, they choose to love each other and i think that’s so sweet. peak writing there spoon 💓🤧
also it’s like. a really good depiction of mental illness too (even if it was maybe? unintentional bc we only see the dark thoughts a few times, when claudes in a coma, especially but that works great because it often just. lingers and that’s why ppl don’t get treated until it’s serious and more dangerous.) she’s high functioning. i can see a lot of typical behavior? for some of us it impairs us, won’t let you even get out of bed or take care of yourself. losing interest in things you liked before is common etc but for others! work and study and it’s SO hard and there’s bad thoughts and all you can do is. eat something because food doesn’t really fail ever. smile! distract yourself by doing daily tasks, etc ☠️ i hope this isn’t too tmi i don’t wanna overshare. maybe someone will relate lmao. ANYWAYS the amnesia arc, this is my favorite lucas, sort of. like you know how i’ve said before that i have a love-hate relationship with this dude. this is kinda why, i wanna elaborate 😭. because im so angry at him right now
ok so yes lucas is not great! and his relationship with athanasia is... uhh! kinda unhealthy 🥴 like i feel like athanasia clings to him because he’s literally the only person who is there, but not under normal circumstances it’s not really an effort on his part because he’s super powerful and he’s not in actual danger. so he can’t really relate to the magnitude of these events like a normal person would. he thinks blowing things up is gonna solve their problems (that’s not problem solving lucas) when something traumatic happens lucas is put there so we associate security to him. you also said that he’s been a victim of abuse. so i can understand why things are happening like this (i’m not happy about it though they could have written something better😔) it’s sort of like clinging to people who show you the bare minimum of what is kindness because well. you’re scared of loneliness perhaps. or, you aren’t used to others being kind to you, and it feels nice. this can make some mentally ill people easy to manipulate, AND it can make others too clingy or controlling. i see it something like that. maybe in my case i like him bc of this? ☠️ i’m speaking from experience here
maybe athy has associated security with lucas. sense of security and the few instances where he’s kind, bc he’s bitch shaped, in the middle of all of the uncertainty. it’s not the best support someone could be giving and he’s definitely not a good person, but no one (jennette should but also we know they’re pushing for lucas/athanasia interactions so they just won’t let her be there with athy ugh 😩) else is there when athanasia is having these traumatic experiences (again probably doing this on purpose and it DOES sound manipulative doesn’t it? not lucas, the writing). i was actually expecting character development for lucas bc of the amnesia arc.
i finally saw him caught off guard for once, because athanasia is actively having “dark thoughts” (i’m calling them that but i really mean suicidal this is where i get the idea she did kill herself), and he didn’t want to show her the world tree branch because he’s scared she will die, that she will “leave him”. he cares for her but it’s a little more on the unhealthy side bc they’re both mentally ill. moving on. he also shows her the tree branch because hes scared she is feeling hopeless (very depressed). sure it hurts but if it means she stays alive, he will try to aid her if it makes her feel better. when he sees her like this, he relents and shows her it. the tree tells her of this method to cure her dad, and he gets angry because it will put her in danger and it’s uncertain that it will actually work. see, this is where i actually liked lucas. helping claude isn’t possible for him. in contrast to how he talks about aeternitas being weak, and being out of touch because well he’s THE wizard. this is one of the few things that he cannot do, so he is sort of in the same place as athy right now. a feeling of helplessness? he can’t do anything, as powerful as he is, to cure her father. and you know? it’s nice. i wish he had stayed like this.
if they hadn’t made him so powerful i would have actually preferred him more as a love interest. it’s really difficult to connect to him because he is almost invincible most of the time, except for in the amnesia arc. before and after this time period, he is more cocky and so sure of himself, it’s like he can’t bring himself to feel empathy for others. so when i saw him be sensitive and unsure i wanted him to keep going on this path of becoming a better person, a better friend for athy, and realizing that he’s not all powerful. just because someone is mentally ill doesn’t excuse being a jerk, and two mentally ill people being in a relationship doesn’t mean that the relationship has to be toxic! but there’s steps in order for it to work and so they don’t sink together... athy and him could have actually helped each other (i’m not saying fix each other here, that’s not how it works) if he could just open up and be vulnerable, ack if they didn’t try to paint him as the usual love interest all the time. same as her! i want her to talk about her trauma and her problems to someone so bad, lucas knows she reincarnated, but they don’t talk about it. unfortunately the narrative is pushing the typical shoujo josei approach which has toxic gender roles and its so boring 😔😔 the incredibly strong and possessive ml and a weaker fl who needs help. right now i dislike lucas a lot, aack like really... he’s gone back to being inconsiderate and a bitch. hate it here
the only other person i know of that helped athy was my boy kiel, but! this child did have a lot to risk, in contrast. by running after athy he’s going against not only his own family but against claude which means sort of... certain death for him. he’s ACTUALLY contributing to this relationship by sacrificing things, putting effort in order to help her. hell, falling in love with her was probably one of his first choices. something that is “him”. it’s struggling if you’re a normal human person. again, we could have kiel and jennette to balance out the lucas and claude interactions but they are REALLY pushing for a lucas thing here bc he’s the novel’s love interest so they will reduce kiel to a second thought when i really think, even if he isn’t an all powerful wizard, that he could offer better support to athanasia and relate more to her than, well, most characters would, and in a healthy way. he would be more sensitive and would comfort her, not saying that they could simply solve it by destroying things but actually telling her, that yes, she’s right, that’s a very difficult situation and she shouldn’t have to go through that. he would not be able to fully understand but he’d try to help her in any way possible. because he was always on her side. it’s honestly great. there’s probably symbolism in there but i’m too stupid to notice. something about changing your fate. there’s certainly parallels between athy and kiel because they’re both changing the future. making choices for THEM. choosing to follow happiness. 🧍something like that someone will probably say it better than i ever will. 👉👈
and last, but not least, i wanted to talk about claude. it’s a similar situation with claude and lucas. he’s the only father athanasia ever had (unfortunately) and any fatherly love athy ever received is from him even if this dude REALLY needs to stop projecting and being violent and distant there’s so many things wrong with claude and he’s so complex. i enjoy his character but he’s a horrible father. at least he’s trying now unlike a certain black cat with red eyes instead of green ones. athanasia actually confronts him... anyways. mental illnesses are often hereditary (i’m not opening MY can of worms though but it runs in the family) we see how VERY unhealthy family dynamics have traumatized the obelian royal family for generations (aka intergenerational trauma babeyyy 🗣😩☠️) and it finally culminates in ana being possessed by aety, in claude becoming a tyrant, in him executing athanasia, and jennette unintentionally making him worse. aeternitas takes over the throne and well. it’s kinda the end of the empire lol.
we can see how this environment affects athanasia, in the first timeline especially, it is a reflection of her life the second time around, and the third time again. sure, she didn’t exactly inherit claude’s alcoholism (i’d recommend she doesn’t risk it though. stay away from alcohol) or violent behavior, BUT she is definitely suffering from a mental illness (like most obelian royalty) and she has also adopted the tendency of drowning herself in work just like he does. and she’s a little desensitized to the violence. it’s a bit of a softer blow because she didn’t internalize it as much as if she had been a baby, being an adult in a child’s body. but it’s still there. and claude got the most of it, a lot more than anastacius did. being an illegitimate child, etc. the person who got away from all of this mess and broke the cycle of abuse is jennette. she was raised in the alpheus manor and we can’t say roger is the best father because he has a lot of flaws. he’s using jennette and pushing ijekiel to be the next head, and probably instilling the wrong ideas in both of them since they were children. he’s put them both in danger with their greed. however, that will always be better than living in the palace. jennette has been affected by the way she was raised but in a very different way than she ever would have had she lived in the palace. ana will not be the best father either, but he hasn’t been in claude’s position who was most subjected to trauma in that same place than anastacius ever was. so he’s not on his level of fucked up, fortunately jennette will be ok with him.
i think jennette and ijekiel should have stayed closer to athanasia and they have a lot more importance than many people give them credit for. it’s a breath of fresh air from everything heavy that happens around her. hell, not even lucas was free from abuse and he has a lot of issues stemming from abandonment etc. they’re sort of the healthiest bonds athanasia has and she NEEDS those! she really does. i think i’ve talked too much already, 😭 idk what it’s supposed to be. analysis? rant? being angry that there’s SO much potential for more themes because the word building is simply incredible? so i’ll leave it here. thanks for listening and if you’ve read until here! don’t wanna force you to answer or anything. and sorry for clogging ur inbox
Headcanon accepted! I like to hc LP Athy to have an Avoidant Personality Disorder & depression. This is probably contradicted by canon since Lithium said LP Athy crying was so out of the character that even Claude was suprised by her breakdown but since it's the only panels where she has dialogue I imagine her to be similar to Hilise Inoaden in her first life: cries easily but only at night when she's alone by herself, hypersensitive, feels unsafe in big crowds or when alone with strangers, clings to every gesture that can be interpreted as kindness, tendency to excuse the actions of the people she cares about (really how has she not lost hope for Claude in those 18 years of her life facing his rejection and the noblility's mockery?).
Talking about mental illnesses being heredity, baby Claude could have also ended up with an Avoidant Personality disorder if he hadn't freezed his heart, I think. But now I hc him with an Antisocial Personality Disorder, Like Lucas.
But I don't think wmmap is good representation of mental illness. You could argue that Lucas' and Claude's "psychopathic/sociopathic" tendancies are mainly caused by dark magic and not their childhood trauma. Like even though Claude seems to have ASPD, baby Claude never showed signs of a conduct disorder. I know this isn't a must but still. Athy's trauma only gets bought up when spoon needs to stirr drama between her and Claude. It doesn't really impair her much in her everyday life. There isn't a day where she has a hard time getting out of bed or a day where she tries pursuing her hobbies but nothing brings her joy anymore. She still manages to be productive. She had no problems to interact with strangers and blend in with the tea party girl's in high society, even though their mother's betrayed her later and some of them surely did the same in the first timeline (ignoring Athy in favour of Jennette), yet she doesn't really harbour any resentment against the noble's that harmed her in her first life.
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Heyyyyyyy I’d like to request a matchup if that’s okay 👌
I’m Aspen it’s nice to meet you- I go by they/them pronouns but I really want to switch to they/he but my anxiety has been stopping me. I’m a Sagittarius and an INFP 4w3 (yes, I know I’m so sorry 🤕) and I also have ADHD and possibly autism.
I absolutely adore anything creative, I like to draw & write but I really wanna get back into acting, as the pandemic kinda fucked that up. Music. I LOVE music with a passion. I’ve always wanted to learn bass guitar but the cost of one has always shut that down. When I was a kid I’d preform solos at Christmas concerts, and I did choir for a short amount of time. Sadly dysphoria messed me up singing wise but I’d love to get back into it if I ever get to go on testosterone. So I’m hoping I can get back into music & acting this year
I make an obscene amount of sex jokes, like at this point there should be a counter cause I make ATLEAST 30 a day. The funniest part is that I’m on the ace spectrum. (I’m panromantic and a sex positive gray-ace, let’s go gamers 🦾) I’m a massive fucking fruitcup, like im as straight at a wet spaghetti noodle and it really shows in my personality. I’m very flamboyant.
I’m extremely hyperactive and social when I’m not around my family, and I’m always up to talk to someone as long as they respect my boundaries (heck I’ve had a history of being too much and scaring others away, it was kinda depressing). Even though I love to talk to people I have a bad habit of stumbling and stuttering when I get excited, so people tend to mistake that for me being shy or awkward.
I have wicked bad dysphoria and self confidence issues, but I try not to show it so I say, fake it till you make it 🦾 I also fidget ALOT in public and that I’m not ashamed of. Im trying to find a chewy fidget toy so I don’t constantly bite my hand in public 🤕
Sorry this is all over the place but quick description of myself I guess. I’m built like a twink, at the “tall” height of 5’2 or 157 cm. I have fluffy/curly hair that was originally brown, but I dyed to black after a good old fashion mental breakdown. I have blue eyes and glasses, and most typically you’ll find me in a grunge or emo aethsetic. Although I can’t stick to one for more then a month so I tend to find ways to reuse my clothes and change my aesthetic 🦾
Im so sorry this is all over the place, I just got home from work and I’m wicked tired- thank u for reading and have a good day or night 🦾🦾
AHHH OMG THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST I GOTCHU BESTIE (the way i related to half of this so much help) REQUESTS ARE ALWAYS OKAY AND ITS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU TOO okay lemme tell you my first thought and then i started building on that..
i match you with... *badabadaba drum roll pls* SATAN
okay so one, he would love your username (so do i LMAO). with the amount of reading satan does, i totally hc that he reads romance and drama and stuff like shakespeare so he would TOTALLY BE A SIMP FOR YOU AND YOUR ACTING BBY. he'd love your musical side to the MAX. i'm talking like will literally go to your room (would buy you a guitar) bring said guitar, and ask you to play something for him. we all know he's a needy cat bby.
(i'm totally gonna be all over the place w this request sorry).
HE LOVES YOUR HEIGHT THO LIKE JAHSHSJS THATS A WHOLE FOOT DIFFERENCE. love your style and would so be down to dye your hair whenever. let's be honest you'd need to help him with his style which ends up with you two looking like the ULTIMATE POWER COUPLE
you guys would be so c u t e i cant this man would literally do anything for you- i feel like a big chunk of the reason being your personalities mesh so well ?? i have the same personality type as satan and i have a t o n of infp people i get along with and i feel like it would be the same w him and you. he would v much appreciate your social aspect because he doesn't like people lmao. and he would find your stuttering SO CUTE AHH. all the sex jokes you make would fluster THE SHIT out of him. he would hide his blushing face in a book as you sit there with a smug look on your face LOL.
bby would totally help you with your self confidence and you two would grow together (bc we all know he's trying so hard to work on himself too we love that) and you guys would cuddle for emotional support i feel like.
totally would get you fidget stuff and is supportive of you 100%
he would also leave you love letters/notes and give you books with annotations of things that remind him of you
expect for cat boy to be completely and hopelessly in love with you and you two would match so WELL AJSJJS
(i had to throw this in but)
STUDY DATES AND COZY NIGHTS IN WINTER GRUNGE AESTHETIC VIBE AHH
pls let him try on your glasses
overall yall are SO CUTE
SORRY IF THIS WAS TOO MUCH TO READ IK HOW ADHD CAN BE I HAVE IT TOO BESTIE AND IF YOU EVER WANNA TALK ABT ANYTHING DONT BE SHY TO DM ME AND WE CAN TALK ILY BBY THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST I HOPE YOU LIKED IT
-cas :)
#obey me hc#obey me matchups#obey me satan#satan#omswd satan#ILY BBY#THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST#obey me shall we date#mars on earth
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we’ve finally come time for the one (1) annual Kayla’s Having a Bad Time post
i don’t know anymore what exactly is wrong with me but wow!! is it bad!!! and wow do i hate it !!!!! i have not gone a day w/o crying in like a week and a half and i’m so tired, i’m literally so tired of hating myself just for existing and i’m tired of all the little things that should not upset me upsetting me only because they’re in masse, only because all together it’s so much and i only have two fucking hands
and like in the back of my mind even fucking still i’m like “.... okay but placebo effect. okay but you aren’t really sad tho. okay but you literally just don’t want to get better you are doing this for attention you are doing this bc being content would be easy and you just want to stir the pot clearly, just stop” to the point where i’m like I Guess I Have To Prove to even myself that i am fucking justified in feeling the way that i do before my brain gaslights itself into thinking that there was never anything wrong with me to begin with and that i’ve fucking put myself in this hole myself for no reason other than ... i don’t even know! i don’t know
makes a list in my notes :) to remember all the heinous bullshit going on :) and maybe for catharsis reasons i don’t fucking care anymore
- it’s the anniversary of the thing. you know. ;) the kind of traumatic experience of having the people i called best friends fucking uhhh pick on me every day for the entirety of like eight months - on my eating habits on my behavior on my anxiety on the things they knew i fucking hated about myself - only for them to just. drop me all of a sudden, on THEIR own terms, as if I was the one who fucking did anything to THEM, thus rendering me from never getting my own fucking closure from the situation ! i have both of them still added as friends on snapchat and i follow them on instagram because for some reason i know that if i just blocked them it would cause problems (what problems?? what arbitrary fucking problems???) seeing their faces makes me feel literal actual dread, i can’t go to one of the restaurants in my town alone because they work there and i hate it ! i hated every second of april 2019 - september 2019 where i felt fucking psychotic for being upset over this situation, where i couldn’t convince myself that i wasn’t insane for being strung up and i couldn’t even call it trauma until like march when someone coined it that for me themselves lol ,,,, i hate myself for still giving them my thoughts, i hate myself for wondering that in a different universe where i wasn’t as fucking stupid or ditzy if they’d still talk to me. i hate myself for wondering if ***** looks at the message i left on her poster last april where i told her how much i admired her and loved her and thinks about me, because that was probably the last time i ever said anything real to her, which... haha. what a JOKE right?
- my rsd has somehow fucking spiked and gotten so much worse in like.. the last eight days. literally when i first posted ‘sweet hibiscus tea’ i went and checked it a few days after and it had like. two dislikes? and i like. cried? :) which is so dramatic and i hate it djksgndsg i can’t go a day reading messages or texts from anyone who talks to me without finding one that’s not inherently positive and picking it apart until i’ve hurt myself over something that wasn’t even related, im too sensitive about EVERYTHING but i don’t know how to address it or deal with it so i just don’t which i think is... why it’s getting worse oop. it gets triggered by literally fucking everything i hate it here
- one of the only things bringing me any sort of serotonin rn is making content. hense the hyperfixating on my r and on this oneshot and on the writing meme things, like. it makes me feel productive, but hyperfixating for me oftentimes leads to a bad headspace which makes me fucking disoriented when i come out of it, and like. ofc there’s the typical things w it too like me forgetting to do other shit like eat or whatever but it’s literally been the only way i can cope with myself. making things. getting validation for things. if i can entertain someone for like, ten minutes, maybe anything i do matters. maybe. fuck.
- i can’t not self isolate myself when things are bad, i just. can’t sdjgnsd like i hate talking about myself i hate talking about the way i feel because nothing makes sense?? i encourage people to talk to me when they feel bad but i can’t ever do the same for myself because i’m a hypocrite! and like the feelings of worthlessness overpower everything i do! convince me people don’t care and shit when i know that’s not the case, but if i acknowledge that then i have to think about how i’m being selfish by fucking moping but not talking to anyone, and i just! i cannot win !!! ever!
- ^^^^ on that note, literally the few times i’ve felt okay recently i’ve had that ripped right from me by little things people close to me have done, like !! can you not vague me?? regardless of if you see that i’m doing bad mentally or not ???? i’m begging you , i’m so sorry that i’m not acting normal but can you for one second maybe consider that i’m a person ? i may be SAD but i’m not fucking STUPID so if i bother you just tell me ??? it’s the least you can do ??????
- scared i can’t love. scared i’m not morally a good person. scared that i’m selfish but don’t realize it. i wasn’t meant to have a confidant i don’t think and who am i to ever try and subject anyone to my fucked up head
- i’m constantly fucking terrified on my dad’s behalf because this dude is 41 years old yet i’m the fucking adult out of the two of us most of the time? he comes home drunk so often and i’ve thought that he’s had alcohol poisoning more than once and i hate being fucking scared of having to like. contact fafsa or my college like “hey can u adjust my financial aid, because i’m kind of an orphan now? :’)” we don’t have any other family, i can’t ask anyone to help me it’s literally me and him against the world and he’s put me on this pedestal of being an amazing daughter so i feel guilty at the thought of anything happening to him as if i’m his fucking guardian. he drinks so much and he’s so infidelious and ridiculous so what’s going to happen when i leave ?
it’s just. so much. but i don’t want to be a beacon of negative shit because even after all of this i’m self conscious of making other people sad so i pretend that everything’s fine on my sc and in person , which i know gives off the vibe of “but she’s not even acting sad? :///” when i offhandedly mention anywhere that i’ve been depressed and i just. i’m sorry that i don’t post about how when i’m not staring at my huion screen i’m fucking staring at the wall wondering if anyone would fucking notice other than my dad and my coworkers if i just disappeared without a word
it feels selfish to complain about my life feeling bad with all the shit going on, too, on top of that. so it’s better if i just don’t say anything at all, there’s other shit to deal with other than my life falling apart because really this just happens every year around this time doesn’t it. i’ll get over it. i’m being dramatic and stupid and in like two months none of this will even fucking matter
tldr; i need to get my meds upped or something
#irrelevant#do not be obliged to say anything i really just needed to scream on somewhere that wasn't snapchat#bc for legal reasons people don't need to know how i feel <3#garbage.txt#if you're new here i swear that this isn't normal i'm just fucking bad rn#we'll be back to memes and content momentarily#not proofread#can't look @ this rn#gonna drink some hawaiian punch and probably work on#something#as always <3#vent#ask to tag#i don't think there's anything particularly Jarring in this but#tw alcohol#longpost#long post
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Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.
Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous
It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her
Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me
I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health
Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety
Which is true in a way but
I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor
She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week
So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc
I keep comparing myself to her
I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?
Who cares, others aren’t me
It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays
My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part
Im so incredibly emotionally constipated
There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed
Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends
Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?
Does it make me pathetic?
Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?
2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year
3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter
4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.
Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk
This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.
I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.
Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.
I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.
Is this the real world?
Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow
I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.
The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.
The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too
Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide
I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen
It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it
It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?
Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more
It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.
What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?
Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case
I could ask my supervisor directly to see them
But I want to be small today
And that would take a lot from me
How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?
Uhhhh....
Shit.
I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday
I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them
It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least
I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer
This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out
To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off
I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?
My stomach is starting to hurt
It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more
Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work
Fuck!!!!!
I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling
I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality
I’m so fucking scared.
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ADHD: Executive Dysfunction
Alright, so I’ve been seeing a lot of stuff about how people struggle with understanding what ADHD is, how it operates, and how it differs from the experiences of the middle 50% [25%-75%] considered the average. And I didn’t research ADHD for 9 hours straight not to dump all of this here.
Note: I have ADHD, I’ve researched this, but I am not a medical professional blah blah blah ok now onto the fun interesting stuff!!!!
I put this under a cut bc its,,,, longish.
What is executive functioning?
Executive functioning is what carries you from day to day tasks. It’s like the constantly active personal assistant in the back of your head. Let’s call them Effie. Effie constantly makes lists and breaks down tasks for you! I don’t mean large projects, I mean the simple stuff!
Like doing your laundry.
If you have ADHD, or anything with executive dysfunction as an issue, then you probably already know that the simple stuff hardly ever feels simple.
Doing your laundry requires many motions, most of which you omit in listing what you must do to complete this task.
Someone with executive functions in working order, probably
1. Take the laundry basket/bin/thing to the washing machine
2. Put the laundry in the washing machine
3. Put the detergent in the machine
4. Turn on the machine
5. When it is ready, put the clothes in the dryer
6. Collect the clothes when finished
7. Take them back to your room
8. Fold and put away
Tada! All done. There are quite a few steps omitted that you would consider givens. However, try and apply this precise list to someone with executive dysfunction, and you will most likely not have the same success, because of the number of places where steps conflict, being thrown out in favor of what is done immediately. Here’s a small idea of how many cracks are in this plan, even at step one:
1. Take the laundry basket/bin/thing to the washing machine
When?> I’ll do it after I finish what I’m doing > Oh no I just remembered something else > What did I forget to do? > Oh no now I have no clothes for work/school/whatever > MISSION FAILED
When?> Someone else is using the washing machine now, i’ll do it later > What did I forget to do? > Oh no now I have no clothes :( > MISSION FAILED
Why? > I have enough clothes right now, I’ll be fine > Oh no I ran out of clean socks + underwear > MISSION FAILED
What?> There’s no detergent so I can’t do this > (at the grocery store) I think i have everything! > Oh no i forgot detergent > I have no clean clothes :( > MISSION FAILED
When?> I have too much free time so I’ll do it after I take care of this other thing that’s equally important > Oh no I forgot to do my laundry I don’t have anything to wear > MISSION FAILED
In what order? > There’s too much to do and they are all registered in my head as permanently equal priority so I have to do them all at the same time, but I can’t do them all at the same time, so I physically am unable to proceed until this loop/error is resolved.
What extra steps are involved?> Huh i know i have to take my laundry to the washing machine, but there’s also stuff in the washing machine area/on the way there that needs to be moved in order to do it, but I haven’t thought of that, instead seeing metaphorically an indistinct looming mass of extra equal priority work around taking my laundry to the washing machine > I don’t do it > MISSION FAILED
And that’s only a few of the cracks in step one.
See the problem?
Let’s take a closer look at how deep it goes. Do you know how much you rely on executive functioning in your day to day life? Yes? No? How did you get out of bed this morning? How did you open your eyes? Everything you do, even running away from something chasing you, is dependent on executive functioning. Memory. Recall. Starting anything, and I mean anything. Breaking down what needs to be done. You’re so used to it, you see a lot of the steps as givens not needed to be stated. When do you do this? What priority level is this? Every success you’ve had in your life, you would not have had without your executive functioning.
It’s the messenger, sending signals from the hub, recall this, you have to do this, this task is more important than this, this is what you’re going to do. It translates thought into action, idea into concept into reality. It’s the Director, streamlining things, going into crisis management when you make a major mistake or fail to do something, or have something due, or or or. Granted, executive functions aren’t the be all end all of human success, but they are to you as a foundation is to a building.
Scary to think what would happen if it just
stopped.
You could think all you want, of course. You need to do this. You want to do that. You scream and rail and fight against a prison of your own unresponsive limbs.
There’s nothing physically wrong with your limbs. They are in perfect working order. Or at least as working as they had been before. There’s no reason for you to feel like this. You feel like your brain is setting itself on fire in its attempts to send it messages to get a response any kind of fucking response. You feel hopeless. You gain no mental traction. You gain nothing but your own hatred and frustration and gain the same of others too.
Because they think you’re faking it. That you just don’t want to do it hard enough. That you just need to apply yourself.
The thing is, you’ve been trying. Your mind is a car in a swamp, uselessly running its wheels to no avail, sinking deeper and deeper into the muck. You are straining as hard as you possibly can. There’s no more gas in the tank. You have nothing left to give.
And you have nothing to show for it.
In this hell, you’ve accomplished nothing. You’ve succeeded at nothing. Nothing you do, nothing you say, and nothing you want can ever happen in this moment.
You almost feel like dying. But you can’t. You can’t, not because of will to live, not because of hope, and not because of love, but because you cannot get your limbs to remember what motion is, your brain to remember the past, and your heart to remember restraint. Frustration, anger, hatred, all of the ugliest emotions the soul has to offer spill over. You feel like you can never be happy again. That you’ve never felt happy before. That this awful feeling crawling into the crevices of your lungs and trachea and curling its way around your stomach and spleen is what you will feel like for the rest of your life.
And then you forget. You forget everything that got you to that point. the wave recedes. you feel nothing. you remember only blurs of what occurred at best. only to experience the same fucking thing again, and again, and again and its always as raw and drowning as the first time you felt it, you never grow used to it, and it will never stop, it will never cease, and no one believes you when you say you are trying. You are a soul inside a vessel that doesn’t want to be yours.
anyways! while this may seem like an extreme, the last few paragraphs are a pretty solid descriptor of how living with executive dysfunction feels like! this is also a solid reason why people with ADHD are more likely to have anxiety and depression! the same thing is characteristic of people with disorders that have executive dysfunction as a symptom!
so TL;DR: Executive Dysfunction is not the same as laziness; it is a fundamental difference in the brain structure and wiring or a deficiency in neurotransmitter production.
speaking of that, moving onto the physiological side of executive dysfunction! Yes! There’s actually a physiological side to ADHD! Pretty sure that’s a characteristic of all brain disorders illnesses and the like but people still say its fake! :D
ok i’m getting tired so heres the rundown:
lower catecholamine levels: catecholamine is a class of neurotransmitter that includes fun stuff like
Dopamine: the motivation sauce
Seratonin: Happy Happy Happy
Adrenaline: you put this in epipens. fight or flight
Noradrenaline: also fight or flight. includes attention as well. at higher levels, anxiety. Thanks, God.
Its bad. bc the body’s natural reward system (dopamine) isn’t at normal levels, the nice little feel good kick after you make your bed or brush your teeth?? nope!!!!!!! Thus there is little internal motivation to do anything. WOW!!! How did adhd get passed down in the gene pool???? is it recessive?? bc im rly at a loss. idk someone with a medical degree in brain science dm me abt it. I rly need to understand.
Also the frontal lobe, y’know the thing controlling judgment, morals, impulses, emotions, all of that fun stuff???? it’s usually behind in development, typically evening out mid to late twenties, but its still,,,,, not Great. Wow!!
White matter abnormalities are apparently a thing too?? White matter is the brains messaging system so when that’s messed up I’m pretty sure thats not a good thing.
anyways, i’m tired now, its been 2 hrs since i’ve started writing this and I have a metric ton of things that I needed to start but didn’t, so
TL;DR: ADHD (and by further extent, executive dysfunction)has a basis in science and has physiological stuff associated with it that (i think since MRIs aren’t being used to diagnose adhd) is just being studied recently, and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh google exists use it b4 getting into arguments abt the existence of disorders and such. plz. im begging you.
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i was tagged by @biancangelo thanks honey 💖💖 (and i will never get tired of you tagging me in things haha)
rules: answer the following 92 questions and tag 20 people
LAST:
1. drink: water
2. phone call: my friend olivia, we were at the mall w a group of ppl and i was wondering where she was at lol
3. text message: my dad, he said “omw”
4. song you listened to: brother by needtobreathe ✌️
5. time you cried: friday night it was soo pathetic im so glad no one saw me
HAVE YOU:
6. dated someone twice: its funny bc whoever made up this tag thought ive ever dated someone lmao
7. kissed someone and regretted it: ^
8. been cheated on: ^
9. lost someone special: yup
10. been depressed: yupp
11. gotten drunk and thrown up: the most alcohol ive ever had is a sip of wine at church lmao
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. lavender
13. millenial pink
14. black
IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. made new friends: yuppp and i love them
16. fallen out of love: not sure ive ever been in it
17. laughed until you cried: yess
18. found out someone was talking about you: not that i recall
19. met someone who changed you: definitely
20. found out who your friends are: yup
21. kissed someone on your facebook list: yall acting like ive been w someone romantically hahahah
GENERAL:
22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: i dont got a fb, but idk any of my tumblr friends irl (i still love them very much however)
23. do you have any pets: a goldfish named fishie
24. do you want to change your name: nope nope nope
25. what did you do for your last birthday: my friends and i did some painting and drank boba it was great
26. what time did you wake up: 5:30ish am pst
27. what were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping(?)
28. name something you cant wait for: halloweenn
29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like a lil bit ago shes downstairs lol
30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: wish my mental state wasnt so fucked up
31. what are you listening to right now: nothing
32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: none that i recall??
33. something that is getting on your nerves: my crush,, is so confusing like wth what are tjese mixed signalsnsjsjsk
34. most visited websites: uhh,, google? idk i use my phone for everything so i dont rlly use the internet
35. mole(s): a few all over my body, but theyre rlly small like the size of freckles
36. mark(s): stretch marks and a couple scars
37. childhood dream: i hellaa wanted to be a singer,, too bad i cant sing lmao
38. hair color: dark brown/black
39. long or short hair: long, almost to my hips
40. do you have a crush on someone: YUPP, i got a couple posts abt him on here, tagged as yams
41. what do you like about yourself: my writing, my hair, my style, my grades, the way i love so fully (though it can be my downfall sometimes) (tfw youre trying to be positive abt yourself bc you usually arent hhahah)
42. piercing(s): just the typical ones on my earlobes
43. blood type: o(??)
44. nickname: none but call me whatever u like :)
45. relationship status: single (but hopefully i wont be soon hahhahaah)
46. zodiac: pisces
47. pronouns: she/her
48. favorite tv show: i dont watch anything on tv except food network and hgtv lmaoo
49. tattoos: none and i dont want any
50. right or left hand: right
51. surgery: ive never had one, but im probably gonna get laser eye surgery when im older bc my eyesight hella suckss
52. hair dyed in different color: never have and never will, i lovee my natural color
53. sport: nopenopenope (but i like to watch basketball and american football tho)
54. favorite accessory: the bracelet my friend made for me :) she beaded rose quartz on it because it represents self love and she knows i struggle w that :’))
55. vacation: i visited the grand canyon and the hoover dam (hahahahahhahahaha) over the summer but it was hella boring lmao, but i did go to las vegas as well and that was fun (but it was stinky and the sexualization of women was heavy and i didnt even see the lotus hotel so what was the point)
56. pair of trainers: ??? i wear some to pe ???
MORE GENERAL:
57. eating: plain white jasmine rice is good w anything, also i love chocolate
58. drinking: i just like water bc im healthy like that (what a joke lol)
59. im about to: take a nap
60. waiting for: for my crush to like me back hahahah
61. want: my crush to notice me and be my best friend uhsjkks
62. get married: its actually one of the things i want most in life, hopefully when im around 24-26
63. career: author? lawyer? idek
WHICH IS BETTER:
64. hugs or kisses: HUGS but i like kisses too
65. lips or eyes: eyesss (but lips are pretty too (hes got a nice smilensjsjsk))
66. shorter or taller: idk what u mean man everyone is taller than me lmao, but if u mean abt myself i like my height, and in terms of an s/o id prefer them to be taller
67. older or younger: this is gonna lead to some philosophical ass questions soo ima just leave it alone
68. nice arms or nice stomach: idrc bruh
69. sensitive or loud: im cool w being boisterous but ppl who are too rowdy get me so tired,, just gotta find that balance
70. hookup or relationship: definitely relationship, im too emotional
71. troublemaker or hesitant: again, gotta find that balance ya feel? cant be too scared all the time bc life wont be interesting but u cant be putting yourself in danger and getting in trouble all the time
HAVE YOU EVER:
72. kissed a stranger: no
73. drank hard liquor: no
74. lost glasses/contact lenses: i dont,, rlly know??
75. turned someone down: yupp lmao i was in fifth grade and he asked me out over text like,, binch
76. had sex on the first date: uhhh no, ive never even been on a date??
77. broken someone’s heart: yes platonically, idk about romantically
78. had your heart broken: yes platonically
79. been arrested: no
80. cried when someone died: yes
81. fallen for a friend: my crushes have only ever been my friends??
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
82. yourself: ,,,
83. miracles: yes definitely
84. love at first sight: no no and no, thats definitely just infatuation
85. santa claus: i want to but in my heart its just,,,
86. kiss on the first date: not for me personally, but for others idc as long as its consensual
OTHER:
87. current best friend: i dont rlly know,, the whole “best friend” concept has been kinda ruined for me
88. eye color: brown
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02/16/17
i have no motivation to study
i want you to send me a nude lmao why am i indirectly talking to you bc it gives me comfort
i miss you
i live on your words now too just rereading everything you write to me i want to talk to you so badly its so easy, to just pick up the phone and dial the numbers that are forever inked into my brain id hear your soft voice so soothing so comforting feels like home because you are home
are you asleep? if so, i hope youre sleeping gently and comfortably. i love you. i miss you.
i know i shouldnt have called but i couldn’t help myself this is the hardest thing ive had to do
i know its so cliche and typical for couples to say that they’re special and whatnot.. but truly i really believe we are so fucking special. you were right. nobody knows us like we do.
its 4:20 two nights ago we were outside smoking and looking at the stars and you told me how you missed smoking on the curb during the summer. i like smoking outside in the winter with you while looking at the stars. its nice
who were you texting at 730 last night on whatsapp): i know its so toxic and unhealthy of me to monitor who youre talking to its a habit i REALLY need to change, its not that i dont trust you bc god baby i know your love for me is truly unconditional and 150% devoted. i get jealous so easily tho. i need to fix this! you reblogged that thing that said jealousy is a sign of an unhealthy relationship!!
just now randomly this popped into my head: theyre just jealous cus we’re young and in love. soco amaretto lime, 06/09/16 brand new’s opening song for their concert, i held you and we looked into each other’s eyes and we kissed so much. do you remember?
i remember when we broke up and i thought a couple of times about how itd be so hard for me to eat steak again bc it reminds me of you so much. so ive got to be honest it broke my heart a lil when you were gona eat it w vanny even tho i know its cus youll always love steak aww im happy baby’s got a protein she really likes :) but for me part of the reason why i love steak so much is because of all the times we shared it together. also you cant have steak without green beans. its officially a rule!!
remember the uni(sea urchin) pasta i made you? dont you feel like itd be sooooo much better if it was paired with udon instead? and topped with fresh uni ooooo im hungry
im very tired i slept at 6 was supposed to wake up at 8 but ofc i snooze until 11 and now i have no time to study for my exam or do my assignment so i have to hand it in late but i wont even be here in person to hand it in so idk what to do ):
went to krispy kreme with marcus after my astro midterm and we sat there for a bit and talked and SAW YUMYUM LOL i hugged him even tho i hate him lol but yea marcus and sarah are going to new york next week, definitely jealous not gona lie! but our day will come !
about to take a depression nap i already know you love me tho heh
hey babe, just showered, packing now seojis arriving soon and i think we’re heading out around 9. cant wait to talk to you i miss you so much, hope work isnt busy today hope your cut isnt that deep, im thinking of you
on my way to the airport, ill be spending some time there i think ill work on my assignment first, nap a lil if you can? hope work wasnt too straining, try eating something even if its just a tiny candy, i miss you
im outside security check, theres a couple the girl is crying a lot and the boyfriend is just comforting her, i hope their relationship lasts, theyre hugging now i wish u were here to hug me goodbye too, but in a way im glad youre not here because id probably just cry the whole way on the plane. anyways i miss you and i feel very bad for them
theres a quote, goes something like hospitals hear more sincere prayers than churches, airports see more sincere kisses than wedding halls. its so true lol i miss you
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I'm so sad.
I just have to get rid of something that has been floating around in my head for days.
The last time I saw my family I went out in sweatpants and a wide shirt (At the moment I pretty have no pants that fit me well. They re all so fuckin tight and well.. I feel fat enough, u know.)
That's just how I feel too uncomfortable in tight tops.
Anyway, my mother and brother said I always looked so unkempt. And guys; I'm SO fed up of hearing this someone saying.
Back then, when I started my apprenticeship years ago, on of my employees kept telling me that. Just like somebody at school.
At the time (school and training) I was suffering from severe depression anyway and had absolutely no strenght to do my hair (usually I always had colored hair, but the color was washed out at some point and turned into that typical green "tinge")
I'm so tired of hearing that I look unkempt. In addition, ofc my family emphasized that I had gained weight. I tried to explain to them why I go out in sweatpants and wide tops bc I feel uncomfortable with my weight and I am not satisfied with myself and I don't want to buy new clothes until I have lost some weight.
Well, somehow they didn't understand it and suddenly said "you re not fat", but like 10 before they noted that I had put on weight (although at that point I had "already" lost 2 kilograms, which made me even more fucked up.)
I am just so tired of it. I no longer want to be the one everyone sees as unkempt, fat and ugly. Do people think I don't see that myself?
I go hungry for nothing.
Its not fornothing I spend hours at the computer looking for nice clothes that I want to wear when Im skinny.
It is not for nothing that I constantly worry about my hair what to do with it.
It is not for nothing that I count ervy single shitty calorie.
Im so annoyed with everything. I just wanna disappear.
(Sorry for bad grammar)
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ooh nani nani
i feel like i have no one. no one to talk to about the serious shit thats going on in my life. take that back… i have people,, but no one cares to listen. i feel like im being choked by limitations and what i cant do. i dont feel free. i dont feel like im living my life at its fullest rn. im not living in the place i want to live. i dont have the friends i want to have. im not the school i want to be at. i dont have the clothes i want to wear. i dont have the body and physique i want rn. i wanna go on a roof top and gaze at the stars,, then scream at them from the bottom of the lungs. i feel like im always putting on an act that im ok and im not. and ik everything is tenporary and it will get better but i said that last year and the year before. of course small things change but the big things take a while to change and im running out of patience.
my mom and grandma are just the most annoying people on this planet. we argue so much and its so hard to respect someone when all they do is down you. when your feeling good and having a good day, they come in. say rude comments to where you feel angry right with them. they want you to he at their level so they bring you down. i dont wanna share the same house with people like that. it hurts to hear “just drop out, your not gunna do shit anyways” every other day. thats why i feel like i wear a mask with them. i dont wanna let them see the full me. if i do, they’ll just find more ways to bring me down. i wanna move out but i cant bc im financially stuck.
my now ex boyfriend disappeared for week bc hes depressed and going through shit and he thought he should be alone and not drag me down. even tho he knows im always here for him and whatever he needs ill be there, do you think that was enough?? no. we made up he told me what was going on and he promised hed talk to me. he didnt. he stopped the same day. didnt talk to me for another week. then hmu on snapchat asking for forgiveness. the nigga blocked me on instagram and you want forgiveness? “im sorry. i just need to be alone and fix myself. im depressed idk whats wrong with me” and i get it. he needs space. all while im still giving him my all. we love(d) each other so its hard to let go. maybe it was all bs. were still friends. i just dont wanna believe hes a typical guy. bc hes not. hes way too soft and nice to fuck someone over. idk. im slowly learning to stop giving my all to people that dont deserve it. and what sucks is that when i need him… hes not here. like its the weekend and he doesnt have work… so why hasnt he texted me? i dont wanna believe that hes not here but i have to. i dont mean to make him sound bad. hes reallllyyyyy not bad at all. i just have bad things to say rn bc im mad.
my friends are lame. first of all, there like the typical las vegas type people. always wanna party. dont talk about anything insightful at all. whats worse is that they arent REALLY my friends in my eyes. tbh i feel like i just tag along with them. but they dont invite me to go places outside of school. they do once every like month. i dont want friends like that. its not like i can just not talk to them anymore bc i havent met anyone else yet. i always jump around friend groups. so i dont have a permanent group where we do everything together. its like i know a couple people from each group and when i hang with them its awkward bc they have their group and i always feel like im catching up with whats going on but not actively involved. its like a dad that goes on a trip to mexico for like 3 years then comes back to their kids looking different and older and its like “so…. whats new?” its just that theres no one i can relate with here. ik there has to be one out of like 20,000 students. but i havent found them yet. the coolest people ik live far away and i hate it. ive tried to go on social media like instagram and search “unlv” (only the ppl with unlv in their bios show) and see what they like and find some people i can relate too. shit doesnt work. theres meetup.com which is like a group meet up sight. i found some meditation groups and shit but they’re all old people. no teen/young adult groups.
this city itself is stupid. its all lights and casinos and half naked girls and parties. ion like all that. i like peace and looking at the stars and talking about uplifting things to people i can relate with and dressing how i want to without 97% of the people looking at me like “….wtf is she wearing lol” its like everyone is wearing grey and i come in wearing yellow and different colors and people dont wanna talk to me bc of it. ik to be myself and shit but im just tired of being home bored. theres nothing to do out here and i wanna leavvveeeeeeee. i wanna be in nature and trees and grass and flowers. not fucking flat desert and rocks and dirt. if its not desert its a casino/house/business. some people like the desert culture. i fucking hate it. all nature is beautiful but my eye is caught more by colors. not just brown.
maybe its that time of the month
its always like i have a lot to say if im just writing. but when i wanna write a decent poem, my mind goes blank.
theres probably a lot of mistakes. fuck it
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