#im so close to all 4 of them like idk
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i could never imagine losing my grandparents man :/
#a man in our family died today he’s kinda old and he was ill for like 4 months straight#and seeing all the grandkids who ik well so upset was so eye opening#like i can’t imagine living without any of my grandparents at all#im so close to all 4 of them like idk#what i’d do if anything ever happens to them#also when my grandma got cancer in 2021 and was ill all throughout 2022 it was so scary.
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it is all chaos and entropy. the thing is that the chaos and entropy make it beautiful and lovely.
yes, it's true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is terrifying. i have lived through some of the unfairness - i got born like this, with my body caving into itself, with this ironic love of dance when i sometimes can't stand up for longer than 15 minutes. i am a poet with hands that are slowly shutting down - i can't hold a pen some days. recently i found a dead bird on our front porch. she had no visible injuries. she had just died, the way things die sometimes.
it is also true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is wonderful. the sheer happenstance that makes rain turn into a rainbow. the impossible coincidence of finding your best friend. i have made so many mistakes and i have let myself down and i have harmed other people by accident. nature moves anyway. on the worst day of my life she delivers me an orange juice sunset, as if she is saying try again tomorrow.
how vast and unknowing the universe! how small we are! isn't that lovely. the universe has given us flowers and harp strings and the shape of clouds. how massive our lives are in comparison to a grasshopper. the world so bright, still undiscovered. even after 30 years of being on this earth, i learned about a new type of animal today: the dhole.
chance echoing in my life like a harmony between two people talking. do you think you and i, living in different worlds but connected through the internet - do you think we've ever seen the same butterfly? they migrate thousands of miles. it's possible, right?
how beautiful the ways we fill the vastness of space. i love that when large amounts of people are applauding in a room, they all start clapping at the same time. i love that the ocean reminds us of our mother's heartbeat. i love that out of all the colors, chlorophyll chose green. i love the coincidences. i love the places where science says i don't know, but it just happens.
"the universe doesn't care about you!" oh, i know. that's okay. i care about the universe. i will put my big stupid heart out into it and watch the universe feast on it. it is not painful. it is strange - the more love you pour into the unfeeling world, the more it feels the world loves you in return. i know it's confirmation bias. i think i'm okay if my proof of kindness is just my own body and my own spirit.
i buried the bird from our porch deep in the woods. that same day, an old friend reaches out to me and says i miss you. wherever you go, no matter how bad it gets - you try to do good.
#writeblr#warm up#i can't write rn but i have SO much words in here bc im reading the chorus of dragons books#(just started book 4)#and this woman's writing is just LIVING in my brain. let me out!!!#(i read roughly like 2-4 books a week usually bc i go on long walks with my dog but when a book is REALLY good like. it eats my life. )#anyway ...... so like here's a story that idk i've tried to explain to other people as being wild#but maybe im the only one who thinks it is wild???#so i play pokemon go (i just started in jan) bc i love pokemon and as i have mentioned i walk goblin for like an hour in the morning#and i don't like a lot of fitness trackers due to the fact it makes me .sad. but i also wanted the little digital rewards. enter pokemon go#anyway so they make you make friends to complete quests. so i used a reddit thread. i do not usually use reddit. i don't have an acct#i lurked. i just googled like ''pokemon go reddit '' and randomly added a bunch of numbers#i was on that page for all of 15 minutes. there are THOUSANDS of responses on that page.#here's what's wild: in that group of people. even though i am not on reddit and it was one random event once#it turns out one of those people lives in the town i live in. or at least very close. i only know this because#when we send each other gifts. it's from the same freaking area.#i can't ask them to meet up bc pokemon go doesn't have a messaging app lol but like . what are the fucking chances that#a random person posts in a random reddit thread and HAPPENS to get added by someone ELSE from their SAME TOWN#who by pure fucking CHANCE is ALSO playing pokemon go and looking for friends#i googled it there's only 42000 people in my broad region. the .......... smallness ! of the world!!!
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yesterday (06/12) was the anniversary of me watching top gun for the first time so here are some of my favorite personal reviews
i saw tg and tgm in june & didn’t think about tg for two months. i wrote the epilogue for wwgattai on august 10 and THEN rewatched it on the 11th & that’s when i knew there was enough potential to start writing wwgattai for real
a lot can change in a year. :)
#mostly: i went from rating tg 2.5 stars to 5 every time#very grateful to this mid-ass movie for giving me something to chew on for the last ten months#okay: sorry for the radio silence btw ive been saying ‘todays the day i post my one-shot’ for the last five days#TOMORROW!!! Im trying.#but i also have a fun wip wednesday so that might be wip Thursday. ugh idk. im so so busy 😵💫#ive now seen top gun over 15 times OMG CRINGE#still only seen tgm 5 times and 4 were in theatres (regal unlimited. didn’t pay. that deal is basically legal piracy).#Not a huge tgm fan obviously which is why idrk those characters#it’s ices death scene. i literally cannot take it. i have to close my eyes every time.#tg (cringe mid movie) is somehow my 4th favorite movie on letterboxd#all my friends are in film & i show them my letterboxd and they’re like…what#love it so much. god i love this movie.#top gun
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#always in a good mood after sleeping over at friends ^____^#ik i say fuck men all the time but wow. this time maybe i can acknowledge men can be emotionally connected#and im not kiddingyall but my friend is teaching this korean actor and actress english words via her mans#her mans actually has connections in the industryyyyy#its so cute seeing a guy be heads over heels 4 my friend like YESSSSS anythng less is a nogo idc#idk have yall ever heard of a couple that tells their partner how they fawn over Them to their friends and be so OPEN like that#before even being close to a relationship..... idk its so CUTE im rooting for them#full sun#doyoung#i love the first pic sm#nct
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#the boy update is that ive calmed down significantly and am once again a Human#i'll see him when i see him. im not gonna stress anymore#hes busy working like crazy anyway and i need to get a job NDNJDDNDNDMDM#like i still really like him but i think my priorities have been Fucked NDNDJDJDJDJDJD#BUT IM BACK ON TRACK. YA.#my other friends also back from her trip so thats exciting. i missed her JDJJDDJDDDD#i just..... its gonna take me awhile to ask to hang out. im just SHY and also I HAVENT FELT LIKE SEEING ANYONE DJDJZJSKSKSKSKSKSKS#but now im better... yeah i think i just needed like to be a hermit for a bit#plus i suddenly am super busy this week like what the fuck. family AND friend things. like did everyone just Wake Up all of a sudden NDJJD#like we may even see my cousins from alberta. im like JDJDD OK???#havent seen them in like.... im gonna say 10+ years. and of course its this week that theyre here with my uncle#who ive only met like idk 3 times JDJJDKDKKDJDJD#and of those times... hes been drunk out his mind i think... 2.5/3 NDJDJD#i think hes sober now tho????#idk. we might not even see them. my moms side is really flakey 💀#but hes my moms fav brother and shes his fave sister so i hope they get to see each other NDJDJJDJDJD theyre only a year apart#its so weird bc him and my mom were so close but then like... lets just say Life and he moved away and ya zzjjdjdkdj#they had this like. super long like 4 hour talk on the phone a few minths ago and idk i think it cleared up like the last 30 years. idk man#my moms side is crazy. thats all i'll say#personal
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i think its fucking rly stupid that theyre spoonfeeding us the 2023 cast recording like. 1 song at a time its so dumbb LOL
#just drop the album 😭😭who tf is like Omg yas 7 songs not even like the first 7 songs just a selection of 7 songs from all over the musical#like its just so weird. to release the songs as individual singles and then have them in a playlist ??? idk if theyre gonna like. once#theyre all out then upload them as an album? sry its just like a profoundly stupid way to do it#idk if this is like standard practice for cast recordings ive never like. Followed a broadway show from like. the second it got announced b#<- i dont rly follow it that closely ive just known abt it since it was first announced. and every couple months im like i wonder how 2023#sweeney is... 2023-ney? i could make it work but i dont want to. but basically i think its dumb#they obviously have them all. made. right. i cant imagine theyre just uploading them As they finish with them . this isnt youtube girlie..#and if they r just uploading them as they finish them Legit id rather just wait for the full album to be done and then upload them all at#once. LOL. if this is meant to be building up hype its dumb as fuck bc its doing the opposite 4 me. i literally forget abt 2023 cast for#months at a time and then im like I wonder if the full recordings out yet and i check and theyve only uploaded like 2 more songs and im lik#well ok. and then i forget for another 2 months#they also just didnt upload any in july.. i dont get it at all LOL
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I need to do art style studies but i CAN'T
#raey spam#i wont be able to draw for like 2 weeks due to The Busy........#oughhhhh i wanna shade clothes sooooo bad right now#(normal human desire)#i also wanna work more on my omori designs#color prototype for basil is done so im literally so close (this is gonna take another 3 months bc im not putting actual time into it)#after that i gotta make refs for all of them#well I don't Have to but i would like to#then i can do a full illustration w them#and i need to do a composition study sooo bad omg#i really wanna start working on more involved art#instead of like. random headshots of characters not doing anything in specific#i also gotta do a revenge......... best not to leave it till next year but i also only have like 4 days left that im free in july.... so sad#some more details on my omori au for the no one that is interested:#actually I straight up dont have any#i should draw them fighting sweetheart...... ough....#i also need to draw like every day lately I've been feeling like my art is kind of not where it could be?#i do like my art but im conflicted ig?#idk how to explain it like. i often feel like i improve a lot between each piece but that also means that pieces from like not that long ago#are Not Good to me#idk it's like. feeling as though only a couple select pieces are worthy of any attention at all#also i have a lot of art styles i wanna study that are all wildy different so like how am I supposed to choose#well I'll just keep making art I like and whatever happens happens ig.#oh i wanna draw mari like really badly#maybe i can do a little traditional art of her as a treat.............#anyways is anyone interested in seeing some of my wip omori designs ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like.#i honest to god dont think i ever will. i honestly dont know how people move on and get other pets and just. keep on living like i#understand it like for some people it's part of the healing process but i just could never do it. like i just cant even fathom#i dont know that's not the point. the point is im having such a hard time because everytime i do anything tonight i keep thinking#4 years ago i still had my dog or 4 years ago in 5 hours i didnt know id be going to the vet at 1am and going home without my dog at 5am#and i just keep reliving it no matter how hard i try to not. and on one hand i want it hurt like i want to remember it just to punish myself#i just i just cant move on like it's just. i went 24 years of my life without ever experiencing death and then 4 years ago today my dog dies#in the most tragic possible way ever and then 11 months later my other dog who i had for 17 years since i was 8 dies and yeah still#not over that one either because i never let myself process that or truly grieve her because i had to shut that up real tight#or i would have lost it for real. and i have the most fucked up miserable tragic dreams about her so many nights a week#because she was old and had been u know. like old dogs do they just decline and that was impossibly hard to watch but at least i kind of#knew it was coming u know but like with my other dog. there was just absolutely no warning it was so sudden and it just ripped me apart and#i honest to god will never be okay again and then 6 months after all that i find out my ex died and only because after 6 years i finally#Finally decide to have the guts to talk to him again and apologize and explain and try to be friends and then nope he's dead#then in between all those deaths a super close family friend died and my grandpa my dad's dad died and like it's just#i had never even experienced death before and then all of a sudden i was engulfed in it and i just dont know how to come back from it.#but tonight is just. painful. like i havent even said his name out loud since it happened. i cant talk about him at all just writing this i#want to cry like it just fucking hurts forever. and it should i guess.#and i feel so stupid because so many times i wonder if my cat even remembers them and i wonder if she misses them too and idk#that makes me feel stupid and emotional and im just a wreck but i should be.
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I do live in the uk! arsenal fans annoy me so much that when a mutual on here, a good friend I have known for many years became an arsenal fan recently I almost immediately unfollowed them. bc I knew how annoying they'd become 😮💨 and I was right about that but I've held off on unfollowing them for now
that said, it is on sight if I catch somebody talking shit about saka
otoh I've known many city fans over the years and they could never in a million years match the annoyance or arrogance even if they tried. still hate the club but it's almost a passive hate atp. I would never knowingly be friends with a fan though snndmf passive hatred is still hatred
arsenal losing at the last minute would be so fucking funny to me. banter club for life <3
?@?@?@? HOW MANY YEARS IS MANY YEARS BIG MANC ANON... idk that's crazyyyy to me 😭 i mean hey. if friends aren't annoying at least a little bit, are they really ur friends? 🤗 oh my god...
!!!! yes !!!! im glad everyone loves saka REGARDLESS of club. he's perfect n arsenal are so happy & lucky 2 have him. id snatch up immediately but yk. his heart is in north london n he will be an england & club legend!
aksjsje passive hate. i see what ur saying i see it. and i feek it. idk ive been called and have myself "the only guy in the world who cares the manchester derby". all that territorial... animalistic history shit that comes with being that guy will make you wanna one up city sooooo bad and make them fall sooooo fucking bad. so the dislike is large. larger than what it should be, for me. but im glad that ur hateful n stuff, classic traditional hatred. lovely stuff, glad to see the world is still in the order.
boooo big manc boooo 😭💔 man shitty still have a chance 2 win a TREBLE. i do not arsenal them to bottle ANYTHING i will kill myself in that ugly ass stadium if they win the ucl, the fa, and THEN the prem. ill kill myself infront of ... idk YOU maybe if ur down. but i need arsenal to win. also i need yi (my dearest arsenal friend) happy.
maybe funny. devastating. DREADFUL. but a little bit funny. like funny "i bet my house on this..." hysterical laughter
#im eating texas toast rn#if anyone is wondering#does anyone else like texas toast? one of my fav tings ever tbh#a hot piece of tx toast fixed me#this is why im so interactive today n like replying almost immediately to asks instead of taking my 4 hours#sorry im rambling its so good. but yes anyways tysm for sharing anon i do love interacting with yanited fans#crazy how im a yanited blog but most of my interactions are with rivals ajsjskdjjd#keep your friends close and ur enemies closer i suppose#but no one is my enemy so idk. what im talking about#big manc anon 🇾🇪#arsenal club hate in my inbox ohhh ive made it. this is what it feels like to be a REAL united blog woah ive hit all the boxs#but i like them so. isnt that special#i keep talking bro i am SORRY#anon asks#long post#still the friend ting is so WMEMSM?@@ to me like#bae just unfollow like... 😭😭🫶🏿
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3am. no sleep. only johnny lawrence brain worms.
#your honor i love him so much im gonna sob#its a tough job but man i do it so well#EDIT: 4am now trying not to cry cuz im a big baby with big feelings i just love him and daniel and carmen and amanda so so much imma puke#im gonna get less than 4 hours of sleep but it was worth it cuz i love them i love them i love them cry sob heave#EDIT EDIT: dont do what i did i jad a crazy dream where Andie McPhee and I were victors of the Hunger Games#but somehow i was a part of the Capitol like I had Effie'a position while she was the mentor to our tribute who was WEDNESDAY ADDAMS#anyway she was having a tough time of it and i loved her so much and there was a lot of crying cuz she wouldnt let me get close to her#idk what happened with the games or with Wednesday like she probably died. we were not focused on her at all.#ALSO before this dream i fell asleep for like 20 mins then woke up with a jolt cuz i dreamt spiders were crawling all over me!!#moral of the story: go to bed and read the fanfic in the morning
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..................... i quit my job.............................................
#i feel so . uoagh#idk what happened idk why but after my shift yesterday i was spiraling on the way home#it was my second day of training and towards the end of my shift my manager talked to me#and she said that my coworker said that im a fast learner (?????) and that she'll be bumping my hours from 2 to 4#and then next week she wanted me to try doing six hours#and she also wanted me to have two closing shifts#which would have me going home at ELEVEN pm#and the city is sooooo dangerous and scary and a lyft would cost possibly 30+ dollars u__u#and idk just all of that coming together made me feel so overwhelmed i guess#i dont know why my coworker said that about me and its not a bad thing im actually v shocked and flattered but i guess it made me#scared that if i didnt live up to those expectations then theyd be disappointed or mad idk#idk and like . the thought of meeting more coworkers and worryint about upsetting them with ny mistakes and trying to guess if theyre#upset wjth me or not is so overwhelming to think about diddhdksjdk#idk and i also just feel really tired i still havent been sleeping well and im just . augh#but now im unemployed again and its so dumb i should be able to do this#uagh . well . i just hope i can find somewhere closer to me this time .__.#sun texts
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wow i spent 4 hours at the salon & the result is that i still hate my hair 🫠 not the hairdresser's fault & i did get a discount bc the hair didn't turn out like expected but. yeah.
#my hair is fucking blue-green (except close to my roots where it's lavender). and i hate it.#the hairdresser didn't bleach my ends and instead did a mineral bath for them that unfortunately did almost nothing#like maybe my ends got a little lighter but :(#this is all bc of a purple dye i used at home. when it faded it made my blonde highlights ugly seaweed green#and it was an expensive product too 😑#my options are 1) try to neutralize w/ pink 2) dye hair a brighter and/or darker shade 3) embrace the blue/green 4) chop my hair short#im so fucking sad.#the hairdresser tries to think of some options & ask for tips from other professionals and will txt me :/#but booking another appointment will ofc cost me more#idk what to do..... anyways nobody buy moroccan oil lilac color depositing mask. it ruined my hair 💔#my posts
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bleh
#i havent talked abt this anywhere else so sorry for venting HEHAGHSGHA i just have no where else to go about it#i got my friends together . one of them was my best friend the other was a close friend ykhii#ummm i was excited about it at first but its been like a year and i think im starting to resent both of them#i feel like i lost my best friend. we used to hang out all the time but now theyre always hanging out with their partner#and i dont think their partner likes me either really. its not undeserved theres nuance and i wouldnt fault them for disliking me but its#like. ugh. whatever shall i do#i dont want to cling onto shit but im just like tired of it. i used to be fine knowing that i had my friends to lean on but i wonder if the#dreaded friend group collapse is on its way now#and i could be more open about it but its like even when i hang out with my bsf now its less smooth and i feel like i have to try harder.#theres more silence#i feel like we're growing apart#im not even sure if im overreacting but i dont think i am#idk#maybe i should date someone so i can get my head out of my ass or whatever#im sure they see me as pathetic LMAOOOO i know i would from their position. that sounds self depreciating as fuck woooops#god and i dont even have the right to complain abt this next part but like i got thm together the day after my birthday bc i was tired of#them not dating each other and talking to me abt it LOL#and now its like. my birthdy is very soon and i know theyre probably going to be lovey dovey w each other and choose each other over me aga#is this envy....? am i... social 4 maxxing....? indeed i am#i just dont rlly know. i dont want to fix it because i genuinely just think we're kind of growing apart but it still sucks balls it rlly do#or maybe i will fix things. i dont know#i literally havent been letting myself complain about this at all to anyone so this has just been building up for awhile ughghghgb#i swear im a healthy individual who tries to communicate and be normal guysss pls
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#so yesterday I learned that i got invited to my partner's ex's baby shower and that shit feels so fucking messy#it is a bit weird they're still friends with their ex but they started out as friends and they're really close to her family so i get it#and they all know about me and her ex's mom even invited me on a ski trip so i feel really welcomed but it definitely feels messy#although im really glad that wasnt the first time i meet a bunch of people close to my partner because that shit seems overwhelming as fuck#i know it's gonna happen and i do want it to happen but fuck that shit is so scary#ive never had to do the whole meet your partner's family/loved ones before and i am nervous as fuck#though my girlfriend ended up meeting my mom and step dad like 2 months into dating so i guess meeting her people 4 months in is pretty fair#idk i think im just nervous im gonna fuck something up or they're gonna hate me#and then there's that added layer of it being their ex and her family#but im very secure in my relationship and i know there's nothing going on between them anymore and im not even worried about#it just feels weird to meet the person your partner loved before you and be worried about their opinion of you#because it does matter to me#i want them all to like to me or at the very least not dislike me#and honestly i think the only part that really concerns me is that the person who's basically a second mom to my partner is also her exs mom#like im essentially replacing her daughter#and i know that's probably not fair or even how she thinks of me and it's probably just my anxiety because she seems like a wonderful person#but it feels like i already have a strike against me#idk i think im just hormonal and insecure and tired and im definitely making this into something it shouldn't be#im just terrified of fucking this up because i love & care about my girlfriend so fucking much & i dont want the people she loves to hate me#i dont ever want to put her in a position where they feel like they have to choose between me and her found family#anyway this ended up spiraling lol#but honestly my relationship is going really well and im very happy with my incredible partner and she's truly my favorite person#they are so kind and considerate and funny and smart and truly one of the best people ive ever met#i feel so safe and loved and i am so happy to have her in my life#im just so used to people leaving me and having all the good things in my life end up crashing and burning down around me#and im so scared that's gonna happen#and honestly it might#i just really hope it doesn't because my life is so so so much better with them in it#personal
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its literally so insane that my brother has like parents who arent young like thats insane... they were 34 when they had him... they were 20 when they had me which like isnt Insanely young but its still young yk. young enough that ppl r like Omg yr parents r so young ! when i say how old they are... but theyre gonna be 40 next year WHICH IS CRAZY. 40 year old parents hes like a kid from a disney channel show.
#and that mf lives in a house my parents own. Not for long lmaooo anyways.#<- bc my parents r prolly gonna lose the house bc my dad lost his job bc he assaulted somebody again. AWESOME FAMILY ! but anyways.#but its crazy. n my mom has been planninh a disneyland trip 4 ages... why r my family becoming like. almost middle class its scary ... guys#go back 2 being poor im scared and also thats so unfair that they waited until like a few months b4 i moved out to start marginally#getting their shit together. go girl give me NOTHING !#but like its crazy how different our lives will be. like my parents relationship i Highly fucking doubt its gonna get better LMAO theyll#probably get divorced once they lose the house. god willing at least. but yk...#and hes got like Adult siblings.... me in talking abt myself. i left the house the same year he started kindergarten. its insane. and im#not gonna be there to see him grow up. Kills my .#i do like. idk. i want 2 try n stay out here but i also. sometimes i do judt think abt going back home just so i cn be closer to him#but. yk. thats not rly feasible rn. so.#hopefullyyy next year theyll all be able 2 come up n visit me for the summer... since ill have my own place#my like Prayer is that maybe in a couple years him n annie and lamp could start spending the summer with me.... thatd be rly cool#lamp idk what their plans r i think theyre gonna stay down there#weve talked a bittt abt them moving up here and it seemed like theyd enjoy that ? but theyre rly close with annie as well so idk...
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will i ever have a birthday that i don’t hate with my entire soul
#my birthdays on thursday and im actually dreading it so much#i want to cry#idk if it’s a self inflicted complex cause it’s so close to christmas that i’m sure it’s not important#but i’m hating it so much i don’t want to deal with it#not the fact i’m turning older - i’ll be glad to be done with this year and all of the hurt it’s caused me#but i have no friends i have nothing planned#and unfortunately my mother is not working that day so she’ll be home#and like she wants to go bowling with my siblings and out to dinner#and i don’t want to do any of that stuff#i’ve just consented to dinner#but i’m not even close with my siblings being around them gives me anxiety i don’t want to deal with this#i hate being the center of attention i hate things being about me#idk what’s wrong with me#i’ll delete this in the morning it’s just past midnight rn and i’m crying about it#idk if it’s stress related to other stuff at the moment but i just want out i don’t want to be living here#i feel so awkward on my birthday and i don’t want my mom to try and make it anything special#but at the same time#last year i did nothing and was in my room for 4 hours#and i kinda didn’t want to do that this year. i DID want to do something#but now as the day gets closer i just feel more and more dread
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