#im making myself mad first thing in the morning what am i doing
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Wow I saw one (1) stray stargate post on my dash and my anger is flared again about Michael I can't TELL you how angry I get about literally every thing about his story.
Bby boy was THE sweetest most precious INNOCENT bean, and the sheer number of ways that Atlantis did him dirty is unbelievable. astronomical. ridiculous.
If there's ever a storyline that makes me truly dislike our favorite team it's Michael's. If they had just been honest! If they had just not treated him like a monster, effectively making him feel like thats all he could ever be to them! They changed half the cells in his body, wiping his memory and leaving him this puppy dog that just wants friends!! And connection! And a sense of home!! Even after he learned the truth, time and time again he was still just looking for home and community and acceptance (and honesty!!),, and our beloved team treated him, this new innocent creature, like the scum under their boots.
iF i HaD bEeN tHeRe we would've ran away, me and Michael. We'd figure it out. Work out the cure for his hunger without wiping his memory again,, he's smart, the lil fledgling (mad) scientist,, I'd take some cure with us and we'd flee to some planet and I would be his family and his friend and I would give him the love and honesty and compassion he deserved.
Ik nobody asked for this rant I just get SO steamed about it whenever it comes to mind >:(
#the postthat sparked this wasnt even relevant to michael#in fact it was an endearing gifset about rodney whoch warmed my heart#but then i was just thinking about sga and my strongest opinions and thats the biggest one. i get most passionate abt that one#michael deserved better#justice for Michael!#ANYWAY#back to ur regularly scheduled programming#michael the wraith#sga#stargate atlantis#my posts#im making myself mad first thing in the morning what am i doing#michael kenmore
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#my dad is so fucking#frustrating i fucking hate him so much#why can't he just stick to one thing? if you've decided to be an asshole then be a goddamn asshole#why these random bursts of affection and caring I HATE IT it hurts me more than you scolding me#because your love is so fucking conditional and fickle and i never know what to do to keep receiving it#and it makes me question everything about myself my thoughts my relationships whether if im actually ever right when im mad at people#it makes me think oh maybe it was me i understoof them wrong i can never fuckinh trust my judgement#like feeling unloved is all MY fault i am the one who can never get enough#i still don't know if that's true#broken three different relationships and I still don't know this about myself everytime i was like i don't feel like you love me and they#were like what no ofcourse i do but if you can't see it then fine fuck off i give up#he said he is concerned about my weight because he's scared i might get some diseases like thyroid (bc mum has it) or pcod or something???#like dude why tf did u not just say that pehle 😭😭😭😭 i spent like 5 days feeling miserable not eating properly because i thought you#hated my appearance all my fragile self esteem it's all broken now i can't eat dinner without thinking about you saying don't you dare have#dinner if you feel hungry just drink water#and the worst part is i can't even skip dinner because it gives me a horrible headache the next morning and then i can't study and work#which btw YOU can absolutely not tolerate i gave up on being happy for your dreams im just trying to make you proud and happiness feels#like a far fetched dream now but i keep going everyday because im so close to the finish line and maybe if i do this you would finally be#happy with me love me#i told him that my first loan file got sanctioned today and he was so fucking happy so proud so soft like eat the dragonfruit i brought for#you okay it's so tasty and take care of yourself celebrate this little win you've worked hard#like just. please. don't confuse me you saying shit like this made me sob so much harder than all your angry words
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"You can't just lose your temper like this every time you get a little bit upset!" With Luke Hughes please
😊 I hope this is okay, i feel as though i could have done better. its kinda messy. idk. sorry. first time really writing for luke. it's longer than the others blurbs for the celly but I was challenging myself. 😅
A Broken Glass
he was supposed to be better this season. better than the child he felt he was in the few games he played in at the end of the prior season. he made sure to put in the work over the summer, improving upon an already impressive skill set. but it still wasn't good enough.
luke was having a bit of a hard time recently, making mistakes that were in his words stupid and should never have happened. getting himself into trouble on the ice, uncharacteristic actions set off by the littlest things. he had been putting a lot of pressure on himself and instead of being better he was getting worse.
everything came to a head on a tuesday evening after the devils had lost again and luke gave another lackluster performance. once again on the brink of being benched for someone else who could perform at the caliber they were looking for.
jack had decided to seek the comfort of another human being, having gone over to their place for the evening. this left the whole place to just you and luke. which was great because you finally wanted to pick your boyfriends mind about how he was feeling about everything recently.
“are you okay?” you inquire watching him.
"i'm fine." he scowled.
"do you want to talk about it?" you ask starting to ramble. of course you didn't believe him and just because he shut you down right away didn't mean you were going to stop trying to get him to say more than a few words to you. "because you really should at some point. im worried about you. you don't even have to talk to me. is it the team? is it something im doing? is it-"
"just go away." luke interrupted you. he was so in his head, he didn't notice the glass he had been holding, slip from his hand and crashing to the ground. luke wasn't necessarily mad. he was mainly just frustrated with his situation and really didn't like talking about it. the way he showed it may not have been the best way.
you're too shocked for words at the glass on the floor, opting to crouch down to clean up the little pieces of glass from the broken cup instead of using your words. you tried to be as careful as you but while brushing the tiny bits together with the back of your hand, a little piece embedded itself in between you index finger and middle, causing it to bleed a lot.
you could feel luke rolling his eyes, frustration still radiating off of him. he was looking for an argument. you heard him mumbling something but couldn't really tell what was said.
"what was that? you need to speak up."
"i said that you don't understand the pressure i am under. i am supposed to be better. and i'm not. you wouldn't understand that. I'm not like you I just don't give up on my dreams."
"that's not true and you know it." you clench your teeth together, trying your hardest not to give into what he wanted, a fight. because luke knew you were an athlete and that you had big dreams of making it big. only to have them crushed by a devastating injury, that led you to pursue other dreams.
"you know what? call me when you want to actually talk and not start a fight." you grab your set of house keys to leave, the small cut in between your fingers still dripping little droplets of red stuff on the floor. you didn't want to be around him if he was going to act like that.
you didn’t go far that night. instead of going somewhere like a bar, you opted to go over to the neighboring apartment. where it just so happened that your best friend, since moving to jersey, lived. Of course she wasn’t home, but you still had a key and helped yourself to her couch for the rest of the night.
it wasn’t until the next morning that you started getting messages from jack. you hadn’t intended on responding to him but he seemed instant on talking, worried about his little brother and the girl who had become like a sister to him.
jack- where are you
jack- why is there glass on the floor and is that blood
jack- what happened dot
y/n- ask your brother
jack- he said you left
jack- what’s going on
you could have responded more to jack or you could just walked the few feet home and talk to him yourself. the later would most likely include seeing luke. you knew you'd have to talk to him eventually, why not rip the band-aid off now.
jack practically tackled you when you re-entered the apartment and luke was no where to be seen at that time. once he let you go, you told him all about what had happened the night before. he tried to reassure you that his brother was an idiot and that he didn't mean what he said.
"y/n? can we talk?” nodding you guide him over to the couch. "i'm sorry about last night. i shouldn't have said that. it wasn't nice."
"i know luke. but you can't just lose your temper like that every time your get a little bit upset." you cradled his head in your lap. you ran your fingers through the longer curls. "they are going to keep eating you alive if you do. and it'll only get worse."
"i know. it's just." it was hard for him to be this vulnerable, especially with you. but if he wanted to get past this bump in the road he was going to need to at times. "everyone is comparing me to them. and i try and be like them and im not."
"exactly. you're not like your brothers. you're luke. not quinn. not jack. you are luke. you need to play like luke. you need to be luke."
“how do i do that?” he turned his face to look up at yours. he still regretted his words and decisions from the night before. but he needed to find a way to find himself again and stop comparing himself to his family.
“i don’t know exactly lu. but we’ll figure it out together yeah?” you boop the tip of his nose with your finger eliciting a slight smirk and a head nod from him.
#luke hughes#luke hughes x reader#luke hughes blurb#nhl imagine#nhl blurb#nhl imagine#ateriblewriter 200 follower celly#yes I’m still writing these
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more reading lotr for the first time thoughts!
• you know it’s a great character when you literally just met them and you already like them, and that is how i feel about glorfindel. we already know he’s awesome from the get go, because he puts frodo on his horse and becomes a complete badass helping strider fight the black riders, and i just love tolkien elves okay??
• another book frodo appreciation bullet point!!! “by elbereth and luthien the fair, you shall have neither the ring nor me!” my guy!!! i just love book frodo so much, and this is coming from someone who has loved the movies since i was 11.
• please!!!!!!! aragorn and bilbo friendship?!?!?! this is the best thing i’ve ever read!
• elladan and elrohir mention! i know them from fics!!!
• lindir!!!! 😍😍😍
• oh man, i am loving this third person limited perspective. we only know what frodo knows, and that’s so crazy! for example, he sees aragorn and arwen talking, but that was just a fleeting moment. (i know this changes later, based on what i’ve heard about the books, but it’s still so fun to get the story just through frodo’s eyes right now, because - i don’t know if you’ve gathered this by now - i love him!
• a moment of appreciation for tolkien’s descriptions of, well, everything. right now i’m referring to the settings, specifically the depiction of the sunrise on the morning of the council of elrond, which is the chapter i am starting right now. but really, all of the descriptive language used by tolkien so far has given me exactly the vibe i wanted/expected going into reading the books.
whether it’s a cozy scene or a scene where you’re supposed to feel wary or on-edge, we get to feel that for ourselves, without being told in so many words what to feel, because we see what’s happening because it’s just so! descriptive!
and i know some people say it’s a slow read or that tolkien just goes on and on about trees, but for me, a visual reader/learner, it’s really helpful in setting the scene.
• i am having so much fun with this it’s unreal. on one hand, im mad at myself for not having read the books sooner, so i could make my own version of a character in my head etc., but on the other hand, im glad im doing it now and that i have the foresight to document my thoughts reading them for the first time.
there are so many books i would love a second chance to read for the first time, and i know lord of the rings is a big one for a lot of people. so im just savoring the experience as much as i can! 🥹
if you have any thoughts about the books, feel free to message me and we can nerd out together <333
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She | I. NY
⚠slight angst⚠
Everything was perfect for the both of you, stable jobs, successful relationship, living the life to the fullest. But one thing was bothering Nayeon, why haven't you two talked about kids yet?
"I'm busy with work, Nayeon.. Can we discuss this later?"
"That's what you gotta say? After 3 years since we got married, all you do is work!" Your wife complains, you removed your glasses and just breathe out a sigh. You admit, you were kinda jealous of your friends having kids, you guessed starting a family isn't wrong.. Plus you're growing old, but you were scared. Never in your lives you came across sex or anything, you were insecure about your unexplainable condition, scared to lose your wife in the process.
"Come here, I have to say something.."
Nayeon hesitatingly sat on your lap, your breath shaking as you look up at her then onto your intertwined hands
"I'm sorry for being so distant, I've been trying to find myself.. Learning on things I haven't known before, and until now I am but I realize I'm losing you because of my selfishness. If you're wondering why we didn't do much on our honeymoon, I contacted my personal doctor about my condition. Asking if I had the chance or possibility to impregnate you, which he said yes.. So after that I try to learn about how my thing works then eventually, we could d-do those things with no problem.. I'm sorry for keeping it a secret, Nabongs"
"Why didn't you tell me, I could've understood you nonetheless.. And no, I'm not mad for keeping it a secret, I'm proud that you told me sooner.. I was worried that you d-didn't love me anymore and I dunno how to keep our relationship stable, I'm sorry for being so mad, I should've asked first.." She kisses you, tears falling from her eyes yet you were there to wipe them away. You hug her close, the familiar warmth enveloping you, the feel of home which is Im Nayeon.
"You know, I actually knew about your condition.. Especially mornings, even if you were distant, I just knew"
"O-Oh, that must've been too embarrassing for you to see, I'm sorry" She laughs, kissing your cheek and leaned her head on your shoulder. The silence is comfortable, your gentle breathing on her bare shoulder and her soft hummings were enough for each other's presence
"I've been thinking about your request before, let's do it"
"R-Really?" You nod, you turn her around to face you, you pulled up for another kiss but with more tension and passion. You carry her in your arms as you stood, kicking open the doors of your home-office and stepped into your bedroom. She pushes you down, her short brown hair falling into her face, she slicks back and her lustful gaze made you feel things
"You're so beautiful, my wife.."
She blushes, she sits up, hands traveling along your neck and chest, she took off your shirt revealing your sports bra, loving how the brand Calvin Klein suited your whole persona. Of course, you were also an ambassador for the clothing brand. Too hot for her to handle, she had a stash of your magazines in her cabinet at work, having her imagination the best of her and had her moments whenever you decline
"I missed this, Y/nn.. You know how hard it was to not kiss you, you look so hot when you work and it..turns me on"
"I-I.. I didn't knew you felt that way, I wanna make it up for what we left off.." She smiles and claimed your lips, her plump pair had been one of the things you admire, especially her bunny teeth that you adore so much when she smiles. Everything about Im Nayeon is admirable, your love on her isn't easily replaced
"Well, if we're gonna do this.. I can't be the only one undressed, y'know?"
She giggles at your statement, she lifts the hem of her own top, pulling it off flawlessly, revealing her plump breasts held up in her favorite lingerie. You noticed she wasn't wearing shorts on, you'd always wake up to her bottom half exposed to your eyes which leaves you all aroused and bothered for the whole day
"Mhm, I can't believe my wife is so sexy~ What did I do to deserve you?"
"Well, everything.. You've been a great lover and wife for me, and we deserve this" She says, her tone softer than ever. Her gaze softens at the sight of you blushing profusely at the way her hand skimmed down your torso, soon stopping herself right at the waistband of your shorts where another pair of Calvin Kleins were found peeking under
"I love you so much, honey.."
"I love you more, baby" You grab her for a kiss, the lust has slowly taken over you. You found yourself feeling up her back, your nails lightly scratched her smooth skin, until they circled around the front and Nayeon hitches as she felt your cold fingertips under her chest, she airily moans at her breasts being fondled about. You always wondered how soft they were, but not holding them made it seem that it's like pillows. And the size were perfect for your hands, Nayeon is indeed for you and you only
"Ahhh~ Just like that, baby.. Kiss them, please"
You were confused, but you obliged. You reached back to unclasp her bra, letting the garment fall from her shoulders revealing soft, pink nipples begging for attention. Leaning forward, you left gentle kisses at first, but then you started sucking on her skin and eventually on her perked nipples that stiffened as you finished suckling them like a baby
"M-My turn"
She gasps, raising your sports bra and gave the same energy of how you did her well. You could feel slight throbbing down your nether regions, only to guess that the two of you are now turned on, too turned on you felt your little buddy poke from your shorts letting your wife know how aroused and needy you were for her
"O-Oh my, you're so hard.."
You couldn't help but whimper, giving subtle movements to earn friction down your shaft yet she scoots back and reached onto your shorts, fingers hooked she looked back at you for affirmation
"Hon, we can stop if you're uncomfortable, I don't want to take advantage of you.."
"N-No, it's fine.. We both need this, we can handle what happens next, I'm sure enough" You smiled, she kisses your lips to assure you everything before she decides to pull your clothing down until your rigid length springs up, revealing its full length. She gasps, feeling proud for the first time she had made you arouse, and for the first time she had seen you in its glory
"You're so perfect, Hon.. T-Too perfect"
You just smiled, feeling shy of the words she said but you appreciate everything. It grew the love filled inside, and you can't help but just fall for her harder
"H-How should we do this, I haven't have any experience on this"
"No need to worry, I did some research myself" Nayeon winks as she slowly got out of her panties, she hovers above your manhood and soon enough you were feeling nothing but yourselves, filling the lost pieces of yourselves and gosh you felt heaven from how warm and tight your wife is, she rolls her hips back and forth which cuts your daydream
She rode you in slow, languid movements. Her palms planted beside your head, she gasps and pants at every motion and how the tip of your length poked her g-spot, leaving her breathless and wanting more
As for you, you had been releasing nothing but moans which you didn't expect to do. Your hands held her close letting her press down onto your awaiting member, you lean up to kiss her lips for the nth time, your whines escaping your parted lips, tongues fighting for dominance and you could feel it. Nayeon has gotten tighter and it's choking your shaft, and you felt the tingling sensation down your stomach. You flipped over and gyrated your hips, your cock slipping in and out in a quick pace to catch your orgasm. You didn't expect what happened next, both your orgasms crashed against each other and your bodies convulsed as it took a while for your releases to be done
"N-Nayeonie.."
"Oh my, are you okay?? Aigoo, I'm sorry-" You lift up a smile within your weak whimpers, she pulls you close to her chest, both of you taking deep breaths as you finally calmed down. Nayeon smiles as she felt familiar hands brushing up her back, she brushes your hair and kissed your crown
"You're so adorable y'know?"
"Yeah, yeah.. Thanks for this, although I had been tempting to.. Do another one" Nayeon smirks at your words, pushing you down then well.. You know what.
The end.
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it kills me to love you (kai anderson x reader) Angst (it'll get better <3) PART 3
he sat there quiet before speaking. "go...go to your room" he mumbled. i took that chance to get out a quick as i could. i went up the stairs and into my room. i shut the door and immediately began to sob. i sat on the floor crying my eyes out. i dug my nails into my arms and sobbed. my knees were tucked into my head. i cried for at least 3 hours. when i looked up at my clock it said 1:00 AM. i sniffled a bit before going into my bathroom and looking at my wounds. my legs burned so bad but not as bad as my head. i huge gash was right on the side of it. a scab has formed over it but it still hurts. i began to treat my wounds very carefully. i wrapped my legs and placed a band-aid on the cut on my head. my hands were still shaking from fear. i didnt mean to make kai so mad... i wasnt thinking when i hung up or left. i heard my door open to my room and i peeked out of the bathroom. kai stood in there, but then he walked over to the bathroom. my face turned to fear and horror. ive never been so scared of him. i froze in fear. he walked into the room with me. he looked at me a bit before pulling me into his chest. he must have felt me shaking cause he held my hands firmly in his grip. his other hand held the back of my head. "i wont hurt you" he mumbled. his head buried into mine. we stood like that for what felt like forever. i was still so scared. was it a trick? something to make me vulnerable? i moved my hands from his and wrapped them around him. he let out a sigh of content. "kai..." i spoke "hm?" he hummed back "im sorry" i said, my voice a bit shaky "its ok...i got really frustrated for no reason..just dont do it again..." he said i stood shocked. he really just admitted he was in the wrong?! "go lay down you need sleep" he said letting me go. i looked at him for a second. he lifted my chin "ive always thought you were so beautiful. that day i met you. you are so perfect" he whispered. he pecked my lips before leaving my room. i stood in the bathroom shocked. but i did what he said. i walked over to my bed and lied down to go to sleep. i soon dozed off and slept really well. i woke up to see meadow staring at me. i sat up "what the fuck why are you i-" i was cut off my her hitting me with her bag "What the fuckis wrong with you!" she yelled at me "why the fuck are you in my room!" i yelled back "fucking hit me with your bag" i mumbled "i'd do it again" she snapped "oh you bitch i dare you" i said getting pissed. she hit me again. i stood up and slapped her hard. she scoffed before speaking "you messed up my lipstick!" she yelled "oh what you saving it for kai?" i growled. i hit her again but this time i punched her. she fell onto the ground. but i left her there. "get the fuck out my room cocksucker" i said pointing to the door. "i am so done with your shit. do it again ill kill you right in front of your kai" i said stern. next thing i knew kai was in the door way "what the hell is happening up here" he said looking at both of us. "meadow decided to wake me up by hitting me with her bag. so i hit her back" i said plain. "fucking bitch deserved it" she groaned. "im the bitch? do you even know what that means?" i scoffed. "it means your a whore. like dogs. dogs are whores they go from one to another to another and so on" i said looking back at her. "i am not a bitch." she said offended "yeah...yeah you are....go from harrison to kai back to harrison and straight back to kai. so your a bitch" i said shrugging my shoulders she scoffed before getting up and leaving the room "i mean im just stating facts!" i yelled before going into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror. "well...." kai said following me into the bathroom. he wrapped himself around me but i pushed him off. he looked confused. "you have your own bitch" i said looking at him. "you dont have to be so rude" he said "ok....imagine waking up and first thing in the morning you get hip by a ten pound bag right in the face. then you hit someone twice and you havent even been up for 5 minutes...and no coffee" i said looking at him in the mirror.
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Hi hello hi I just caught up on equinox and it's making me insane I have so many thoughts I'm just going to throw all of them at you beloved mutual. Also I listened to the Hades ost while reading this and I think it rewired my brain chemistry. Also Equinox spoilers below dear readers.
QUITE FRANKLY I do not know enough about Ancient Greek myths because it was never an area of interest for me but never the less I have been GRIPPED. Atherix was like "I hate cheating stories and I am Making An Exception for this one" so of course i had to read it and now I am simply perched like a bird staring down at this it is fantastic. Oh my god I cannot wait for everything to run through the fan here.
Scar and Grian are SUCH a mess and it is a DELIGHT. You have truly captured the Vibes here my lord. The fact that Scar remains loyal for SO LONG after Grian stops paying attention to him and keeps a shrine to his husband and grian is just. GOING BEHIND HIS BACK. AUGH. MY HEART CANT TAKE THIS. and then SCAR being like "you know what i deserve it" far be it from me to cheer on someone cheating on their spouse but FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS MAN YES YOU DO. ESPECIALLY considering how Grian vs Scar's cheating parallel each other like Grian is LYING to himself and hurting both himself AND bigb in the process whereas Scar is FINALLY happy with Mumbo while S T I L L feeling the pull back to Grian and the way ALL of it parallels double life and how Grian and Scar see alliances and contracts as completely different and play the game different can anyone HEAR me I am SCREAMING
GOD I WANT TO SHAKE THEM ALL IN A JAR!!!!
And the fact that Mumbo is Etho's son [I think. I think I understand this dynamic correctly] is going to make me GNAW MY OWN ARM OFF ETHO MY BELOVED!!!!! AUGH HIS CHARACTERIZATION IS SO GOOD IM GONNA GO INSANE. I AM THROWING MYSELF OVER A FAINTING COUCH.
AND THEN BIGB'S NYMPH...TIE. BRANCH. THING BEING INSIDE GRIAN'S GARDEN BUT THE ONLY PRE-RELATIONSHIP THATS TAGGED IN MUMSCARIAN!!!! I AM SO SCARED FOR BIGB OH GOD
Oh my god and the way redstone works here has my heart. Delicate devicess that can blow up and be made big and complex its just so. Mwah. Mwah mwah mwah. I love redstone so much.
AND THEN ALL THE SOFT REDSCAPE WHERE MUMBO IS WORRIED BECAUSE HES A DEMIGOD THIS POOR MAN IS GONNA HAVE LIKE. 3 IDENTITY CRISIES TO GET TO THAT MUMSCARIAN TAG HUH. "I hate the gods I am a demi god i love a god I love two gods oh god[s]". My poor mumbo jumbo. Whump on him some more I love it.
AND JUST THE DESCRIPTION OF THE UNDERWORLD AUGH ITS SO!!!! The way you describe it is so vivid and yet also like ever shifting in my mind which tbf is how I would picture the actual underworld anyway and I just DLKFHSAFHKLADFKLHA I AM GOING MAD
AND CUB!!!! CUB MY BELOVED OH YOU HAVE CAPTURED HIS 'WAY TOO CHILL' ATTITUDE SO WELL GOOOOOOOOOOOOD. The scene between cub and grian i was just like GET HIS ASS!!!! GET HIS ASS!!!!!!!!!!!
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH THE FACT THAT IM OUT OF EQUINOX STUFF TO READ NOW. SOB. I CANT WAIT FOR ME
Hello beloved mutual Stitch <3 Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, I spent all morning being excited about this ask!
Thank you, yes! Double Life was the first life series I got to watch live, and I am just. I'm not over any of it tbh? at least 1% of my psyche is at all times devoted to screaming about this canon soulmate AU.
And honestly? I feel the same about cheating stories. But then cc!Grian said "I want to hang out with my bestie, so I'm gonna make my little guy be into his little guy" in double life and was then like tragedy! pain! despair! and I ate that shit right up.
Scar really did go "I can have a little gay summer flirt for myself, as a treat :)" and then turned around and fell Hard for Mumbo. Way harder than I think he thought he'd be able to with a mortal. Not that that's something he thinks about much, of course. Mumbo is just Mumbo to him, he doesn't care about what he is. Scar you really should tell him you're a god. You really should do that my dude.
Yes Mumbo is Etho's son and it was entirely accidental 😂 I was like "Well this is who Mumbo is in the AU and then a couple of days later "Oh I know who Etho is" and then it took me like an hour from there before I made the connection.
Top 1 reason I need mumscarian to become canon in this au soon, btw:
[ID in alt]
me in fic: redstone is so cool I love it so much redstoners my beloved
me in mincraft: *sobbing, weeping, wailing as I rebuild an item sorter for the third time*
Honestly? Yes. Mumbo is just here trying to live his life meanwhile a tidal wave of god politics is building in the background. He's gonna have A Day when everything gets brought into the light. I'm sure he'll be Fine about his boyfriend of many years being something he's terrified of, though... right?
I am looking very hard at Cub's current lore, because that could be relevant for a future equinox thing and I badly want an excuse to bring him back.
Thank you < 3 I wrote a sentence on my WIP just now, just for you.
[ID: she grins, teeth like jagged shards of iron]
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the usual
im mad because im trying to read books again, specifically trying to pick up toxic parents and body keeps the score again so i can try and Help Myself basically now that im back in the limbo of having no therapist. but trying to concentrate on shit and hunker down and learn things when i know it’s good for me i swear it’s like a flashbang goes off in my brain and everything just whites out. ‘concentrate’ isnt even the right word for it because it’s like i cant even begin to get started. it’s like staring into the sun to even begin to think about stuff i guess, it’s all so overwhelming. i want so much about my life to change, so much, so badly, so drastically, but so much of it just doesnt feel feasible that it’s like ive implanted this mental block in my brain to even dream of change because it’s too caustic.
that ‘autistic masking’ article about the boy who would build and paint his models at night then clean everything up so he left no trace of himself... i think about how much ive whittled myself down and have tried to take up very little space. how i dont play my music on speakers, dont draw anymore, basically only took up writing more because it was something that was between me and a notepad document and didnt take time the same way as drawing, and wasnt possible to immediately consume like a drawing (people grabbing my sketchbook and just flippantly turning the pages, skimming past drawings that took me hours in favor of minute long sketches, glancing at drawings that were supposed to express my deep feelings and having immediate reactions of disgust or ridicule)
i make kandi put it on a chain then put it away. it cant really go anywhere anyway, not like i’ll be attending raves again any time soon. i have no reason or place to wear my ‘fun clothes’ anymore. i wore what i thought was a cute outfit at christmas and even my immediate family had some shit to say about it. i wore a pair of stockings that ive had (and worn) since i was 14 years old. i wore them to my very first raver day at disneyland. and theyre surprised when i wear them now? like they havent seen them before????
even here i was about to say “i tire of myself” and close this window or hit post and stop here, but literally my blog is one of the only places i can actually express myself somewhere and send it out to a place where it’s seen. yeah i can write things down in my journal and ‘express myself’ there so that “personal stuff” isnt online but... i already do that. set up my models and paint them late at night, then put them away before anyone sees in the morning. djing only in my headphones at 4am, pulling them off periodically to make sure they arent too loud even through the headphones. lighting candles but opening the window so there isn’t “too much” scent.
if im autistic or have adhd or some combination of the two, then my whole family is too and all undiagnosed (save for maybe my dad. i think he’s the closest one of us to being ‘normal’). i took that blorbo quiz and it asked “How would they describe themselves?”
how would -i- describe myself? i dont know. people tell me im smart and funny. i think it’s because they cant think of anything nicer to say.
Part of me is still chasing the approval of all the world’s English teachers. Getting compliments on my writing makes me feel like my life matters. And I still struggle to ask for love and affection when a real, flesh and blood human is looking me in the face. It’s difficult for me to believe someone might care for me as an equal, and like things about me other than my intellect. I frequently have to remind myself I’m no longer a child, and don’t need approval of the “adults” anymore.
as long as im stuck living with my parents im going to perpetually be the child. it’s also really fucking frustrating knowing how ill prepared i am to live as an adult. even when i had a job i had to quit it so i didnt kill myself. i dont think just getting a job is the answer, though i know it’s a mandatory piece of the puzzle. ugh god
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I am majorly depressed rn, even if most days im mentally and emotionally like, happy and hopeful and reasonable, first chance my body gets at a LITTLE rest (which i constantly feel like i desperately need) i fully break down. I collapse for the night and can't do anything
I cannot move in the morning, i cannot pick up hobbies, i cannot clean (we're moving in less than half a month, we need to be out by the first) i cannot even shower or brush my teeth.
Im gonna go INSANE please god.
Idk what this post is, documentation? I have people i can vent to but future me will wonder why there's never any posts just talking about myself
Our system is weirdly settled and readjusting at the same time? Zim fronts for work a lot, and then cannot front other than to blearily lay there and reflect, Puss is around now and we arent sure if hes even a long term thing, but hes here rn and he's a charmer. Just pleasant and very gender. He doesnt really serve purpose but tbf he doesnt gotta, let alone right away.
And as always, Mitten has been incredibly helpful and comforting
One of these times kiba will front to be himself instead of to briefly respond to something or get mad. He's gentle, and still shows that, but really rage triggers him out a lot.
Anyway. This will pass, i wanna make that clear. Ill be alright and im not in any danger but god damn it. I am. So down rn.
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okay i'm getting personal because it's been on my fucking mind for a while and thank you bioshock i guess.
summary: i love-hate andrew ryan and frank fontaine very much and i have my reasons
aaand of coure, tw domestic abuse, childhood trauma whatever. and alcohol and blood. and bioshock spoilers
yes i love-hate ryan and fontaine
I'd break their noses and try to ruin their lives but also drink with them and chat with them and spend time with them. okay so i played this fucking game (bioshock 1) and i loved it, yeah the twists were fucked up and all but i always had this weird attachment to fontaine and ryan despite also hating them, and then it fucking hit me in the guts one morning
man, my life has been a lie, my childhood has been very fucked up in terms of parental stuff but the fucking trauma bonding does tricks. it took me 18 fucking years to understand that not everyone's parents endanger their children's lives and do horrible shit. it was "first scold him and then ask him if he's dying or not" in medical emergencies, and outright denying possible emergency medical care. i thought my life has been perfect in their hands but apparently false memories. blurry memories coming up to the surface and fucking me up.
i vividly remember the times when her voice went from a soft one to death threats and back like Atlas to Fontaine. I ran from their rage and danger to their shelter. They were all I could ask for and all I was trying to run away from. I had no one else, only one friend who was also abused. We thought it was okay. We thought they were the best parents we could ever have.
and i probably should have learnt after all the life-threatening situations, right? bleeding over the floor daily but being refused care, public shaming after a minor disagreement, all that stuff? i should have learnt that i shouldn't trust them or maybe even not talk to them since I've moved out, but nope. i have even legally applied to get my father's name added to mine. stupid fucking move maybe but I LOVE HIM. I ADORE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING ON THIS EARTH. yes i am also extremely disgusted and sometimes i want to punch him and his eyes scare me and he could get us all killed multiple times but I LOVE HIM.
I understood it all after playing bioshock. jack did kill fontaine, yeah, but i wouldn't be able to. once fontaine said "you were the closest thing i had to a son" or whatever, i would drop everything and go hug him. i would forgive him. hell, there would be nothing to forgive anyway. i think he'd love me. you can understand how fucked up it sounds but it sounds completely normal to me. i feel like this, i really do.
I find myself calling my parents all the time, hearing their praises makes me feel so fucking good. i would even take a stab to make my parents praise me because i am fucking conditioned to do so. i always wanted them to care, not be mad, i wanted them to smile and say that they were proud of me. it makes me feel whole, makes me feel so fucking happy when they love me. especially with one of them, i would love to drink and fight and break noses and drink and hug and hear praises.
i want him to LOVE ME. i want him to tell me that I am doing well!!!! I want him to see me as his fucking HEIR! I want him to consider my existence! I want him to think about ME and not other people's children!!!!!!!! I want him to set my name in contacts as something other than my full legal name with my surname in all caps!!! He tells me that i wrote my paper well and then i become the proudest, he tells me that it's not as good and then i want to break some noses!!!! it's not fucking enough!!!!!!! i should be the best in his eyes!!!!
i cant imagine a life where im "standing on my two feet" because i wont be able to handle that. i am not able to be "independent", and i don't even want to. yeah jack built himself a life but you know what? i would beg at the feet of ryan and fontaine to consider my existence.
holy fuck now reading it all like this, it sounds horrible. but it's a glimpse of trauma bonding with parents i guess. i should write that shit as a story to explore it or something, i don't know. i wish there was an ending to bioshock where we could save fontaine and he could say lovely words or something. i think im fucked up beyond repair at this point.
#tw domestic abuse#tw childhood trauma#tw trauma#childhood trauma#domestic abuse#tw trauma bonding#trauma bonding#alcohol#alcoholism#tw alcohol#tw blood#blood#medical trauma#andrew ryan#frank fontaine#bioshock 1#thank you bioshock very cool#my mind has been fucked for the last week or something
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Jan 14th- sunday sunday sunday
i meant to write all week but didnt.. so much happens, all the time.
I stopped to get gas one morning this week. Thursday? yes, thursday i know because i ran that morning and showered before work. As i was getting my gas i just happened to look over at the pump across they way from me and there were 2 guys checking me out.. it made me smile.. they were kids but still.. i looked behind me and there was another guy checking me out.. it use to make me feel a certain way.. not a good way- but this day- it made me feel good and also i get it.. i look good so i really cant blame them for looking..
tuesday i saw James and everything felt heavy. i lifted less but more reps which was fine with me. i was not feeling it..Thursday i dead lifted 200lbs.. another personal record. apparently this is what we do.. we dead lift. there is no limit as to how much we lift. my knees feel better. i ran a few times this week.. not real far.. 3miles. i ran friday morning in my neighborhood.. in the daylight. first time. i feel like i am making progress.. i have this thing about not being seen.. bizarre considering all i really want is to me seen .. but i'm also scared of being seen but i said fuck it.. i didnt have enough time to drive to the park and i really wanted to run.. so i did.. i'm not sure who saw me nor do i care.. progress.
i was in my feelings at the start of the week. there is a guy in my neighborhood who gives me an icky feeling. i know him but i dont. our daughters were friends in elementary school. i dont think he knows me.. but he smokes cigarettes and watches me run in the am. he reminds me of X.. i drove by his house one night and he was smoking with the door open. something X would have done..smoke in the door way -not really outside- smoke goes in the house.. anyway. i heard this guy leave early monday morning.. absurdly early. 4 ish. it reminded me of x, only he would leave at 3 something to go see his baby momma and his baby.. it brought back memories of the bullshit that i lived through and how messed up it all was .. i didnt deserve to be treated they way i was treated considering what X was up to. is this neighbor guy up to no good.. who knows..i'm just glad i don't have to worry about anyone doing me dirty. its kind of weird what can trigger a memory.. the great news is ..it's all great news.. the past doesnt matter- here now!!!
New York!! such a great time. Dancing in times square! Times Square.. electric.. I was so glad to share the experience with Madison. We went to a museum to see Taylor swifts clothes. MAds is going to London in Aug to see swift- and wants me to go. I am on the fence. i need to make a decision by the end of this week. I am amazed by the number of people in the city.. amazed.. it was a fun visit and i would like to go back. weird thing.. we went to lunch and the other mother we were with was super excited when she saw alcohol on the menu .. i told her i was going to have an iced tea because caffeine.. it was like i ruined the party.. i told her to go ahead and order a drink.. she declined. it made me feel weird.
i made it 10 days.. 14 days porn free and vibrator free.. it was a lot of work to make myself orgasm-i'm just happy i could do it without watching porn.
I got myself a book light and i absolutely love it.. and it was on sale. it makes reading in bed so much better.. just a little light.. i actually really love it. im still reading the Bhgavad gita.. i'm still excited for this year.. not so much this winter.. it is cold and i am over it. i think we are getting snow. i hope it isnt true. I am falling in love with myself more and more each day. it sounds weird to say, type, think, feel.. i am in a love affair with me.. i am looking forward to having next weekend off.. i am still waiting for my King... i hope he is somewhere happy. someday i will tell him about all the days i prayed for him before i knew him.
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ok i've had a very stressful week so if you don't want to hear me venting skip the rest of this post!
so, the other day someone rammed their car into the side of mine while i was driving. which was scary. and wrecked my car. i am very mad about it (though it could have been worse; no one was hurt, it was the other guy's fault and he admitted it and his insurance covered everything (almost), and we didn't have to call the cops, and i was able to limp my car home).
then i had to spend 30 min on the phone with his insurance, then wait for a call back, then another hour on the phone while we got a rental car set up for the next day. ok good i handled it.
then the next day rental place never called me, i called them and waited on hold for over 30 min waiting to speak with someone, was never able to get through. it was the weekend, i assumed that the place had changed its hours or something was closed. ok. i'll try again tuesday. (monday was new years)
tuesday i spent multiple hours on phone over multiple phone calls with multiple rental locations all telling me that they couldnt get me the car reserved for me and that [other place] needed to do it. (first i called the person who was overseeing my claim, as i had been told to tell them if i had questions. they said they would make some calls and if i still hadnt gotten a car by wednesday to call them back)
tuesday ends. no car. im starting to get really scared because i need to drive myself to hospital for a procedure thurs morning, and i need to leave at 6:30am to get there in time. i can't reschedule and the buses dont run then and i dont have anyone i can ask for a ride.
i spend wednesday morning (from 8-11) alternating on the phone, crying, and crying while on the phone, which is mortifying. i do end up getting a car which is good.
now i have a rental for my appt thurs, which is a relief, but it does mean i'm driving A Car That Is Not Mine, which is awful. the sightlines are different and the seat is different and the car smells weird and i dont understand the heat vent controls. and the radio turns on every time i turn on the car which startles me every time. also the motor is so loud and i am worried something is wrong? so that's stressful.
so i left my gps in my car when the tow truck came and the guy was super nice and noticed and asked if i forgot to take it out and i panicked and said no its fine, which was the wrong answer, but i couldnt go back and change my mind becuase when someone asks me an unexpected question i always panic and say the wrong thing, unless i say the right thing and then second guess myself and correct to the wrong thing.
so now i spend the night worrying about not having my gps. hopefully it'll be ok getting tho the hospital because i go there all the time but i dont know how i'll find the mechanic shop...? (this is a problem for later i havent had to deal with it yet so im trying to to worry about it)
anyway. today is thurday, i go to hospital, give myself and extra 20 min to get there becasue i get lost constantly even with gps. i can't drive and navigate at the same time. so i go, but i get on the highway going north instead of south, even though i know how to get there AND i wrote down the directions just in case. it takes me 10 minutes of driving to realize this, and then i have to turn around, and now im only barely on time, and being late is the worst. so i am flustered from driving a weird car and going the wrong way and being late and so i accidentally take the turn to the employee lot instead of the regular lot and i realize right after i make the turn but there is a string of cars behind me and i cant back up and i dont know what to do so i go forward to the gate and i cant get in obviosuly.
so i get out of the car, panicing, and ask for help from the car behind me and they show me how to hit the intercom but no one pics up and their are so many cars waiting and finally the employee behind me scans me it with her card and i drive through to the exit so i can come back in to the regular lot and I CANT GET OUT without an employee badge either. so i have to wait until another employee comes along and willl badge me out and then i have to go back tothe street and loop back around and park and come in, then i went tothe main desk to tell them what happened to make sure someone is there to answer the intercom in case the people who helped me are now stuck and she was weird and mean and told me that i wasnt allowed in the employee parking and it wasnt my business and not to worry about it.
anyway i had my procedure and now im home and dont have to do anything else.
(in conclusion: why it took me nearly 40 years to discover i was autistic i have no idea haha)
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*** while this dream is tame compared to my others, a typical Zezah dream will usually come with a trigger warning or two. Except a lot of fights, body horror, psychotic breaks, fornication, all that good stuff. ***
Just had a dream about fighting a fairy goddess over a plot of land on the beach. The dream was in the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time graphics. Fairy was in really high-definition graphics which made her kind of scary. I wanted to make out with the great fairy in that game since I was like 8 years old so there's that. This fairy was more like… um… that quiet nerdy girl you crush on at the library, but she is not really a nerd but a escaped mental patient who stole someone's glasses.
Anyway, normal things proceeds. I talk my usual trash to demoralize my opponent then move in to strike.
Phase one was kinda easy. I just hit her with a rock and punched her a few times. Body slam, body slam, kicks and some sand in the eyes. I honestly love fairies to death so I was sad, but my polycue really wanted that plot of beach so I had to do what I needed to do. Phase 2 she got pissed. Went full Storm X-Man eliminate weather which on me 😶 summoned a damn hurricane and a bunch of lighting and fire and a whole lot of nasty. Me being who I am, jumped right in...
Tried wrestling her and she channeled electricity through her body and grew cacactus spikes while we were grappling and flying around in her maelstrom. That shit kinda hurt so I let go and decided to go find a rocket launcher first. Went to go heal (have sex) and no one I'm with had time for me. Everyone was with someone else and I was just kinda left by myself. After fighting the damn goddess of nature, naturally, I was kinda upset.
So, I became the best Elektra Abundance-Evangelista I could be and was petty to the max at a restaurant they where all at. I had my prescription of super estrogen filled and juiced up. Became hot, Hopped on the table, was as sultry as possible. Visibly made everyone aroused and intimidated at the same time 👠👠👠 unlocked true dummy mommy status and influence.
Side note, I need to draw that dress in the morning 💪🏾❤️👠
Realizing I have gained the ultimate power I went back to fight (and maybe seduce) the fairy but I woke up and now im mad because now do I not only have some new psychological baggage I should comb through – I NEED TO KICK THAT DAMN FAIRY'S ASS!!!
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Last Seen Blogs
p-hera-1991-blog
BeMyself
fionacle
Ferren
spongebobbroadway-secretsanta
The Very First Christmas
myblogaboutanything24
My Blog about anything
sireforseti
Sire Forseti's art blog thing