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qwertyfingers · 3 years

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Hi, I'm curious, could you elaborate on what things people in SPN fandom produce that you wouldn't have been able to filter out as a teen? I'm not really sure what you're referring to. Problematic porn? Bad takes? Wanky fan activity?

okay uh CSA, incest, and suicide trigger warnings for my answer here lol

first off i dont. really think you actually need me to explain this to you and the way this is worded really feels like either an attempt to minimise some truly atrocious shit or like, imply that i think highly of myself which is not true? i'm full of bad takes bro. i don’t care what people are posting as long as it’s not harmful. but there’s a few layers to the issues i was referring to yesterday

1) while it’s gotten a LOT better over the years, the defense of john’s parenting still happens fairly frequently, and as a kid who related extremely deeply to dean’s specific brand of Menhol Eelness that kind of defense of abuse would have really messed with my headspace! it’s messed up in and off itself to defend people who harm their kids - even unintentionally! - but the way that it specifically affects children who are still being abused is the worst of it. every kid with CPTSD who’s ever had to see someone defend behaviours they recognise from their own abusive family as done out of or as excusable because they had a good reason remembers that shit for the rest of their LIFE

there are echoes of what happened to me in dean, both in the abuse and trauma itself and the way it affects him in the aftermath. to see those things minimised by fans can be really re-traumatising for people. i’m very glad that my exposure to it comes at the end of several long stints in hospital and several years of intensive therapy. i don’t know that 18yo me who attempted suicide on a near weekly basis and hallucinated my abusive step father in my house all the time could have coped with takes like ‘its okay because john was drunk and alcoholism isn’t his fault’ or ‘john wasn’t abusiv he was just grieiving’ or ‘john didn’t abuse dean, everything he did was reasonable for their lifestyle’ without becoming deeply unwell.

2) we also all already know how much deeply fucked up incest content gets made and shared in spn circles. like, okay, have made peace with the existence of incest shipping. i blacklist that shit and i move on. most of it is avoidable and i can kind of forget about it if i’m being careful. but some of spn fandom is on another level. people write and draw some shit that is like, actively triggering on the ‘call my therapist and beg to be sectioned’ level. i had to renew my lorazepam prescription for the first time since lockdown started lmao. one of the fandom darling artists literally posted graphic dean/jack porn on their blog next to their really popular castiel art like. i’m not kidding when i say that would have made me hurt myself when i was younger

3) there are a LOT of really weird interactions btwn minors and adults in this fandom and while thats noit something that the corner of tumblr/discord i move through has any real problems with, i still see shit go down in other circles / servers, and the things i saw on the periphery when i was younger tell me it used to be wayyyyyyyyyyyy worse. adults actively encouraging like 13yos to read/write porn, children being pressured into incest content, 30yo+ people having intensely sexual interactions with minors like.

as someone who is generally of the belief that ‘minors n adults shouldnt interact online’ is the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard, supernatural fandom does sometimes make me think im wrong and wish i could set everyone under the age of 18 in a safe enclosure away from some of the insane people that go here like.

in general i think that teens having adult friends in fandom is good becuase it allows an avenue for discussing legitimate issues you have and they can be really helpful to help rpotect young people! I literally owe my adult fandom friends from my own childhood for giving me the lagnuage to talk about the abuse i faced and they were the first people who ever made me feel like i had a way out of my situation. without older online friends i might never have found out that the reason i had no interest in sex was because of trauma, or figured out that the reason reading fic about women or trans men upset me so much was because i was projecting my trauma onto them, and with cis mens bodies i didnt have that issue. i owe all of those things to adults who in the modern day might be chastised for being friends with me because i was young, but i needed them!

all this is to say that i think the breadth of inappropriate adult/minor interactions over the years have led to an environment where a generation of 20-somethings are now terrified of interacting with teenagers (for fear of becoming the adults who traumatised them), and a generation of teenagers who are largely terrified of talking to adults (for fear of being traumatised) and miss out on guiding hands that some of them really need. if the adults in your physical life harm you, and you cannot turn to adults on the internet, what do you do?

4) i’m so tired of people writing underage porn, bro. there are enough adults in this show, grow the fuck up

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elliethesuperfruitlover · 3 years

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tw/venting

so im once again randomly sad at 1:30 and honestly i hate it. i always seem to get really just down and upset during the early morning. (probably because i need to be sleeping) but this is stressful to be honest. im feeling a ton of guilt that i shouldnt even feel bad about. right, so we all know that im how old? a minor, and like.......im fine with that. im fine being this age. but like....i feel like im carrying feelings for things that dont even have to do with me. some people are like “yeah, i dont want minors interacting with my content” and for some reason, i always wonder if it has something to do with me. it doesn’t, but i feel this secondhand guilt for some reason, and it hurts. and i know it’s really selfish of me to do that, and im victimizing myself with this. i always obey the “MDNI” on people’s posts, but sometimes i feel like i did something bad. like with smut, specifically, i completely understand why people wouldn’t want minors interacting with that, it makes so much sense.

then i start feeling really upset about how i literally write smut, and read it. im starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me for having written smut, and had a specific audience read and react to it. i sometimes feel gross for just wanting to read smut. and a lot of the fandoms i read smut for may have the “MDNI” on it, which is fine, but after that, I feel this deep trench form, and it’s the worst thing. i just feel like im weird, and dirty for wanting to read smut about characters. and here comes the argument of me, a minor, reading smutty ass fanfiction about grown characters, in some scenarios. of course, i imagine myself older, above legal age, but that doesn’t stop the nasty feelings I feel. and with characters that are my age, or around my age, like with my hero academia, like sure, i crush on sero and everything, but i feel awful about reading smut for him. or even thinking about smutty things.

this also briefly dips into how i interact with my mutuals’ fics, particularly the smuttier ones. i think ‘oh god, am i being gross by interacting with this’ and i know that if they have an issue with me interacting with their fics, they would say it, clearly, and explain what needs to be explained. and i love that. but i always feel like im the weird one here, like im the odd one out, i guess because of my age. and i absolutely love and appreciate that they’ve created a safe space for me. it’s just an internal thing that’s really bothering me. and i absolutely love my mutuals as well. and i know that they also love and appreciate me, i guess i just feel that guilt.

and i know that it’s completely normal for kids my age, and teens to think about, and sometimes desire sexual things. and i know that it’s fine to explore those thoughts. sometimes, though, i just feel like im being a hypocrite. i. e. some shoes marketed towards teens, such as euphoria, and riverdale (off the top of my head, not biased) portray teenagers that might not be accurate. i don’t know what it’s like to be y’know present in a high school, and there, but for my own experiences, at least, i feel like it’s not true, or at least not in all of its glory. im like the outlier for a lot of that stuff. and i know it probably exists in some places, but i feel like this is how society views teens, and what they expect from us. i feel this odd pressure to be everything that society expects me not to be. and on some posts and stuff, i see what seems to be a bit of a disdain for kids of my generation, or at least gen z and i just kinda freeze and panic. i go “oh god, do they think this of me” “do they hate me” and i know that they don’t but it’s this lingering thought of “this is what they think of other kids in the same group as you”. i know it doesn’t represent the entire view but i just feel like i cant say anything, or bring it up. it makes me feel like im the problem.

anyway, i feel like i can’t do some of the things that i want because im scared of what people will think of me. like, sometimes i just feel hot, y’know and of course, send nice photos to a pal or two, but i’d never post that shit publicly. why, you might ask? because im a minor, and just because i feel nice about myself doesn’t mean that i need other ppl being gross about it. some people always say “these teens are always posting stuff all over social media. they share everything on there.” one, yes, we do, some people should know better. but also, two, this is new, people are being misled, mistakes are going to happen. plus, when you dont have that outlet to do other things, you go where you may feel safer to do something. it may not even be the best choice either. i agree that teens shouldnt post everything to social media, but i also believe that we should be allowed to make mistakes too? and have a bit of fun (where it’s morally correct, im not talking about driving people to suicide, or posting nudes (or semi-nudes on insta when you’re 13, that’s just wrong) anyways. i just feel like i cant do anything bc im gonna get shit for it, and further promote an agenda, but at this point im kinda starting to tear myself down about other people’s opinions, and that’s shitty.

also i feel like teens cant do shit in GENERAL, but that’s another conversation for another fucking day.

i always try to keep my opinions and everything at bay, because i hate when conflict is directed at me. and i dont like the panic of waiting for someone to text, or message me when i had what could be considered a hot take. i feel like i cant disagree, or think differently. or even sometimes just speak my mind because im scared of the repercussions. so i kinda just shut up, and stay in my little corner, and i absolutely hate that. but i also dont like being vocal about my opinions because of the fear that it produces.

and also sometimes some of the shit that people come up with im like......okay, i feel like i cant joke about. like when i talk about “MILF dennys” or “DILF buffalo wild wings” I DONT WANT TO BE A MILF, NOR A DILF. i dont even want kids, so ahaha. i say that shit as a joke.

kids, get future milf out of your bio, unless you put a “/j” or “/hj” after it. also, you don’t want to be a sex worker, or a stripper. im pro sex-work, but don’t look at that as your ONLY job option. that shit gets people killed, or tortured, and mistreated. if it’s a joke, it’s a joke, but it’s a dangerous choice, and it’s your grave bestie. and no, people contradicting you isn’t sexist, or misogynistic UNLESS IT’S LITERALLY THAT. people can be like “i think your opinion is a little harmful, ngl” and you can respond respectfully and be like “do tell, im open to listen” and not go off about someone not supporting your choices. if it’s something that you can avoid, do it. IF IT’S ILLEGAL, DONT DO IT. like, prostitution is illegal where i live, so if yall try to do that shit, dont expect to be given special treatment. people already see kids, women, and sex workers as what? OBJECTS. you’re nothing to people who may be incarcerating you one minute, and calling you for a 5 minute hookup the next. it’s not empowerment to be on places, and letting yourself be groomed and taken advantage of by nasty ass people who need to be locked up. i understand that you should be able to do what you wan, and wear what you want, but there’s some disgusting people out here.

and it’s also the usual shit bothering me, the pandemic, school, my brother saying fatphobic stuff, yada yada. i want a HUG. and i need to sit in someone’s lap for god’s sake anyways.

im also pretty sure that it’s NOT normal to have this many extreme changes in mood. like i was fine earlier yesterday but as soon as i see one thing that hits too close, im upset so....anyways.

also yes i feel bad about this because i really need to talk to someone about these issues, instead of y’know, letting them pile up and haunt me until im emotionally unavailable because i hide my feelings. this is further promoting other people’s view of teens oversharing on social media. but to be honest, people are going to hate gen z, and teens for a lot of shit. and i cant stop them from doing that. i can, however, keep myself out of their line of sight and dont cause issues about it. anyways, im gonna go rewatch some invincible (wow 3rd time now). and try to keep my mind off of wanting to be in someone’s arms while we make out. :)

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lavendersage · 3 years

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Hi, i hope you are having a nice day 💖 i just wanted to share something cuz i could rly use some comfort rn. Im currently recovering from a toxic friendship that i ended a few months back and every day i wake up hurt. They were an internet friend who disrespected me and talked about me behind my back with people who are no longer in contact with me to analyze my "bad" behavior towards them (as in what happened between us etc) which i find out after i broke the relationship off and blocked them, after several other incidents i went thru with them alone. I received a lengthy text about how im a horrible person and i have been accussed of bad things i havent even done and im not as a person and basically had every action and word twisted to benefit their hate towards me and even tho i know its not true it constantly gets to me. I felt unsafe, unheard and unappreciated so i left peacefully. But that made them so mad they found me and had to spit out all the horrible things they thought about me (even during the relationship when i thought we were okay, i was told that most things about me were a red flag to them but they brushed it off cuz i wasnt that important to them) and gave me advice on how i should be or else nobody will ever love me and i need to toughen up and get over things (i have a few different mental illnesses). This person claimed to be my best friend from their own mouth when i asked if we are close enough to consider ourselves that literally a week before i blocked them and then dared to call me manipulative back. I have great friends now and i love them dearly, but this and similar things happened to me with a few other people and it hurts so much. I dont understand why people are allowed to disrespect me and make me lose sleep crying over them but as soon as i do something to defend myself im the worst person in the world. Maybe im just too calm and open minded but i would never come for someone who i hurt lecturing them on why they shouldnt be hurt and it sucks that i have to live thru that and have someone out there talk about me in bad manner as we speak. I know they are a bad person and they have shown it clearly and i see it, but im just having such a hard time repeating their words in my head. It makes me feel like im not worthy of basic human decency and my needs are invalid and wrong cuz they are mine. They didnt believe me i was abused in the past cuz they believed it was my tactic to make people feel bad for me so i can manipulate everyone just cuz they decided im like that and the abuse i went thru is something im extremely passionate about in a sense of i rly want to recover from it but people like this make me take a step back every time. Im so tired of these thoughts circling around my head and this past is just so so hard to carry i wish i never met them and i could erase them from my head cuz the way i was treated and left off makes me sick thinking about it 😔 i feel the need to talk about it with as much people as possible to convince myself im not the bad one in this story, i hope you understand

hi anon. i will admit your story feels a little jumbled and unclear to me but i do understand that you were hurt by a “friend” in the past who used a common abuser tactic by turning other people against you through making up fabrications about who you are or exaggerating the truth, and that kind of thing is hard to forget. i dealt with a similar friendship a few years back and i still have a lot of trouble communicating my needs and sticking up for myself because of it. for many of us, it isn’t easy to live with the idea of someone thinking poorly of you, especially when the things they seem to believe aren’t truthful—i get that.

you say you have great friends now and that’s wonderful!! i think the best thing you can do for yourself at this point is try and stop letting those toxic people live in your head rent free. i get that their hurtful words won’t be easy to forget, but try to keep the knowledge that you have good friendships around you close to your heart. i hope you’re able to work through these feelings in a healthy way and grow the friendships that enrich your life, not dwell on the ones that made it darker 💚

#asks #long post

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mousehole5000 · 3 years

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tgcf chapters 107 - 120 this is one where i give some Opinions. i do overall like hualian a lot but i have some quibbles

wait why am i still taking screenshots? i can copy/paste again afskldfjasad

It really was hard to tell whether people would feel happy after watching such performances. However, in truth, slaughter and the sight of blood did create excitement in people. Whether or not there was fear, after the initial shock was over, a rush of adrenaline would be produced in the heart- me watching horror movies

“Shi Qingxuan said. “Then, Your Highness, Crimson Rain Sought Flower! I order you to—to immediately strip each other’s clothing!” - djslkadjlsd WHY DID HE SPECIFICALLY SAY THEY HAD TO STRIP EACH OTHER THISALSKDJ is this a normal thing is it a wingman attempt what is happening

“I’ll tell you what it is,” he said softly. “To watch with your own eyes your beloved be trampled and ridiculed, yet be unable to do anything. That’s the worst suffering in the world.” ... “Ming Yi asked, “What’s the biggest regret of your life?”- when truth or dare gets a bit too real

On the side, Hua Cheng was still only observing, and was already bored to the point where he’d changed back into his red robes. Then he changed to black robes again. Then to white robes. Almost every time Xie Lian looked back, he would be donning a different appearance, and with every new look there were different hairstyles, and different accessories, and different boots, and so on; sometimes playful, sometimes elegant, sometimes deadly, sometimes glamourous. Xie Lian was growing dizzy from all the colours and kept looking back, unable to look away. - THIS ISNT THE TIME HUA CHENG. YOURE PRIMPING. THE WINDMASTER HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED AND YOURE PRIMPING

obsessed with xie lian not being able to figure out to use the windmaster’s fan and just. using it to SMACK

also windmaster??? whats going on??? :( i know some things from spoilers like who is not to be trusted but i really have no clue whats happening rn

anyways back to puqi shrine lets check on those kids also can we PLEASE get some funds for this restoration smh. hua cheng and xie lian doing mundane hard labor together to fulfill prayers.... :pleading:

jailbreak in the heavens 2: dig a tunnel

Sure enough, the moment Ming Yi put pressure on his shovel, a hole opened up before them. With the shovel raised, he burrowed crazily ahead while Shi Qingxuan, in the middle, cheered him on crazily. As the only non-crazy person, Xie Lian brought up the rear. That treasured shovel of the Earth Master was indeed magical, and with only a few strokes, a new tunnel of over ten meters was dug. - anybody remember mulch diggums from the artemis fowl series? this is much more dignified than that but i think this is only the second time ive read a character just starting digging a tunnel as a plot point

okay so much is going on i wish i hadnt spoiled who certain characters actually are for myself but i have no one to blame but me for a) not blacklisting spoilers at all and b) just having a little freefall through the tags. oh well. anyway heavenly college admissions scandal except way worse. the corruption extends to the heavens and the windmaster is having a very bad day

i guess we’re having a high seas adventure now?

im gonna keep it real im getting tired of how often we get told how handsome hua cheng is. i know its all xie lian’s pov and while im not terribly familiar with it i know what genre we’re working with and im assuming thats pretty typical. its something i dont much care for in general and idk maybe it sounds better in the original but ngl its starting to make me roll my eyes. love you goth king but god okay we get it.

i guess what i will say about hualian so far is that overall i like them and i like how they interact in general they have a lot of nice moments and they just genuinely seem to like each other which is really nice to see EXCEPT for when it actually comes to things that could be romantic or sexual which is a shame bc i dont think it has to be like this. again disclaimer that im only reading a translation and dont know everything might not have all the knowledge necessary to accurately criticize etc etc and im assuming a lot of this is expected from the genre (disclaimer to this disclaimer that i cant say that for sure its just based on things ive picked up about the bl genre over the years) but idk like xie lian was so distressed after their underwater kiss scene. it was kind of uncomfortable to read and maybe im being unfair i know his cultivation is based around abstinence or whatever but idk i dont care for it. and that scene alone doesnt have to be a bad thing like idk i guess its his first kiss ever (?) and it would make sense if he feels weird about it but i just have my doubts thats going to be addressed or resolved in a satisfying way. also im like. dude everyone is like centuries old. xie lian’s been on earth for 800 years. has he really never met or heard of a gay person during all this time? maybe he hasnt idk what he got up to yet maybe that’s actually a thing. also same thing with the reactions from the immortals to xie lian in a dress and characters like the windmaster like again you’re all centuries old and its not uncommon to be able to just completely change gender presentation. why are you all weird about a man wearing a woman’s dress? i just feel like that shouldnt be a big deal to these characters idk

also again not going to lie part of this that im not really a big fan of reading romance in general. yes i am reading this book. yes i do read and write a lot of fanfic that includes or centers romance. im multifaceted. but really what im talking about is the like physical side of it and descriptions im extremely picky about it. ill give an example. early on in the torture pit (or whatever it was called i cant remember lol) when xie lian kind of accidentally felt up hua cheng in the dark when he was being carried. i dont think thats a bad thing to have happen between the two romantic leads i think thats fine and good to include that early but i just did not enjoy reading it when it happened idk maybe it was the wording and i do think that moments like these work better in a visual medium. ive definitely read het romance that reads like this and i wasnt a fan of that either lol same with fanfic i get tired when writers go on and on about how hot one characters finds another character. this isnt a huge criticism of it like i said im picky but again like with the way that hua cheng is described it just makes me roll my eyes sorry kings

okay back to the reading. this whole saving the fishermen thing feels like a big set up for something narrative-wise. hua cheng specifically insisted on coming and i know one of the characters involved ends up dying im wondering if thats now it would be a good time tbh if things get just a bit too unfortunate during this heavenly calamity... and the brothers are notably not having a harmonious time... also tho it feels very likely we’ll just have another Hualian Moment (tm)

In such a situation, Pei Ming still acted the same. In the evening, when they rescued a few fishermen girls, so scared their eyes were blurry from tears, he held them in his embrace and soothed them with a gentle voice; a true show of honeyed romance, affectionate and charming. - pei ming please get pickled again.

also its funny that hua cheng is just kinda hanging out and everyone else just has to deal with it

Looking down from above, the entire area was painted in a terrifying black. It was easy to see the collision between the two different-coloured currents. Their fierce battle was what formed this enormous whirlpool. As the eye swallowed the ship whole, the two currents of water separated. However, the battle was far from over. Like two venomous vipers, they continued to snap at each other. Each collision was followed by a mountain of angry waves. - this pretty dope ngl. also love our wind and earth masters just chilling on a shovel i dig it. hehe

Yet, other than discovering Hua Cheng had a fine body, there were no other finds. Xie Lian was at his wit’s end and started to worry. - okay see this one’s funny im just also irritated bc im like WE KNOW!!! WE GET IT HE’S HOT AND XIE LIAN THINKS HE’S HOT OKAY GOT IT

okay kiss #2 again its not the kisses themselves its xie lian’s reaction it just bothers me idk im not saying i need him to be super into it and completely unconflicted about it rn but he’s just so freaked out about it and idk i just dont really like it just feels weird i dont care for that aspect of it. also dude hua cheng is a ghost and he did this exact same thing for you before just chill. i wish instead of xie lian literally running away while screaming that hes sorry he was just like “oh haha youre fine thats cool im gonna go look around the woods i dont feel weird about this at all haha” like idk its kind of funny but when its literally our two romantic leads i just feel like its confusing like it kind of makes me feel like they shouldnt be together if one of them freaks out this much again considering the fact that they are both CENTURIES old. i know i know xie lian is an 800 year old virgin but. he hasn’t been like this about anything else so yeah idk like it still could have been awkward and funny i just dont think it needed to be so :/ that being said it was funny that xie lian was then internally like “oh i did it wrong? perhaps i should ask him for more.. instructions....” if that actually happens i might like it bc it would complete this little watery theme

Before he finished, he immediately remembered. Coffin wood. There were trees here everywhere; and a deceased? There was one right before his eyes. Sure enough, Hua Cheng smiled. “Won’t it be fine once I lie inside? - love that hua cheng just sat on the fact that he can turn anything into a coffin. that would have been really useful information earlier but no he just waited until everyone but xie lian was gone afjaklsdjf

also i do think that oblivious xie lian thinking “wow whoever it is that hua cheng fancies is an idiot for not liking him back theyre totally taking him for granted :/” is kind of funny and sweet. actually the whole conversation they have at the campfire is good and im bookmarking it to think about later

“...You on top and me on the bottom,” Xie Lian replied. “Isn’t top and bottom the same?” Hua Cheng asked. - okay im sorry but. mood whenever theres discourse about top/bottom dynamics for a ship im just like jesus christ i dont care. tbh i rarely read fanfiction if its just sexual and ngl if i see a fic specifically tag characters as top or bottom i wont read it lmfao. especially when people have really strong opinions about this stuff when theres nothing canonical to back it up like headcanon all you want but whenever i see people argue about it im just like no offense but go work out your own sexual issues and dynamics instead of arguing with strangers on the internet about who’s a top and who’s a bottom. sorry to be mean but just thats how i feel lol

this was mostly a ramble with a few excerpts but im getting sleepy im going to TRY to take a break from this for like a day but we’ll see how that goes i do very much want to know what happens. anyway if you read this whole thing hiiiiii sorry for subjecting you to my opinions on top/bottom discourse

#minors dni #reading this is weird its like wow this is pretty great actually im having a blast #and then there's these moments that are like...... hmmmm.#idk they havent been awful i just think theyre :/#still funny tho ill give it that #tgcf liveblog

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flower-of-the-desert · 4 years

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hey, i really liked your posts about ep12, it helped me a lot to put things into perspective. i was wondering if you could share your thoughts on the 2gether finale as well, coz right now i just wanna cry im so disappointed with it =(

Aww, thank you, anon. <3

Ok so my thoughts on the finale are kind of all over the place but I’ll try to explain as best as I can and hopefully it’s gonna make sense.

Like I said, in my original post I dont love the ep but I dont hate it either. I suppose I fall somewhere in the middle. I enjoyed a lot of it - seeing all the couples progress and be happy together, Man/Type especially were just so adorable, Mil and Phukong starting to build something with each other (lil bro using Sarawat’s pick up line was a really nice touch, love that), Mil being an all around awesome supportive friend to BOTH Tine and Wat?? We love to see it. The way he turned up at the football field where Wat was being his angsty self and literally kicked his butt into taking action - *chef’s kiss*

Him and Fong are now the parents of the baby gays I dont make the rules.

Wat’s confession on stage and his song that he literally named after Tine and when he said he never confessed to Pam because he didnt know what love was before he met Tine - perfection. Absolute perfection. I’m here for it.

And Tine’s heartbreak was so well done too, I just felt so much for him.

Again, as I said, the whole thing with Pam didnt turned out exactly as I had hoped but it wasnt the worst case scenario either so I’ll take it. I’d rather have Pam making a mistake and realising it and backing off while assuring Tine that Wat really does love HIM and even though she tried Pam didnt stand a chance because it’s always gonna be Tine for Sarawat and she understands that now over her being an actual bitch who keeps trying to seperate them and uses the situation to her advantage. I mean they could have gone that way too - Pam didnt have to give Tine that recording or to tell him how Wat changed after meeting him but she did, I think, as her own way of apologizing for what she’d done. So yeah, overall, I’m fine with this.

ALSO NOBODY DIED SO THAT’S A BIG PLUS.

(History 3 MODC can’t relate)

ANYWAY, so those are the positives for me. Which as it turns out is most of the episode yay! Now onto what wasnt quite so positive.

My main issue with this episode is the resolution to Wat and Tine’s conflict. Mainly, there really... wasnt one. And I’m not talking about the physical intimacy thing, I’ll touch on that later but more importantly for the ending - the emotional intimacy. None of the problems they had were properly addressed. Tine’s insecurities were rooted so deeply that despite Wat spending 12 EPISODES doing anything and everything to show his love and adoration, Tine still couldnt really believe it. And that’s not gonna be resolved with a simple recording.

And on the other hand, can you image how all of this would make Sarawat feel? Like no matter what he does, no matter how much of himself he gives to Tine, his boyfriend still would find it easier to believe that Wat is just using him as a replacement for someone else. That’s gonna fuck with his head even if Tine came back. I really really wished they had talked at least a little about these things.

Like maybe if we didnt have half of the episode filled with pointless flashbacks there could have been time to actually talk... (tbh, part of me kind of wonders if they purposefully put in so many flashbacks to fill in the air time so they wouldnt HAVE to write those scenes which leaves me ?????).

I think I mentioned this too in the other post, but the Wat/Tine reunion echoes beat for beat the Fighter/Tutor reunion with all its issues but while WhyRU has a reason for why things turned out like that, here I just... I dont know what could have been the reason for 2gether’s writers? Unless they also couldnt film everything they wanted...

And then there’s the... “high-five controversy”, let’s call it and again I find myself in the middle of the argument. I stand by what I’ve said before about how I feel about the way they handled physical intimacy between the characters - yes, objectively and critically speaking, I’m not here for writers/directors/channel/whoever trying to censor the physical intimacy of an established couple. There is nothing wrong with two partners wanting to kiss/cuddle/have sex/etc. Sex isnt something dirty (I mean it can be depending on what you’re writing BUT THAT’S A DIFFERENT GENRE OK, we are not talking about smutty fic here cough cough) and shameful that “pure” people shouldnt be enjoying (lovely post on the topic here I was just thinking about it last night). And it’s about time show creators got with the programme, ESPECIALLY when it comes to non-straight couples.

As of ep13 it’s clear to me that 2gether went through some serious censorship - lots of people have talked about how it’s a thing that they do on this particular channel and maybe that’s all it is, I dont know. I dont want to speculate what’s been going on behind the scenes since I dont have any idea and sadly I dont think the writers will ever be willing to talk about it. I’d LOVE to hear their throughts on this matter tbh and why they decided to do things this way.

So on an objective level, this is bullshit. Subjectively, and this is where my personal opinion comes in, I wasnt as bothered by this as I normally would be because I’ve been enjoying all the other aspects of the relationship that the show successfully built up and prtrayed on screen. Does that make sense?

Specifically about the finale, though, I agree with the complains. Part of why the reunion felt so underwhelming and disappointing, I think, was not only the lack of emotional intimacy but also the hella.... awkward? physical “intimacy” they showed? The scene absolutely did call for a kiss or a hug, at the very least. Instead they were standing 2 feet apart cause... they’re not gay? I really really do not understand what happened there in that scene. I’ve seen some people mention that the finale was filmed before the other episodes so the actors werent used to each other yet and honestly I can see it - watching Tine and Wat in that ending montage felt like I was watching them at the beginning of their fake dating when both were awkward and unsure of where they stood with each other rather than seeing an established in love couple coming back together after going through something tough.

So these are my thoughts on the finale. It wasnt the best one I’ve ever seen but not bad enough to ruin the rest of the show for me (and there’s NOTHING I hate more than bad endings ruining a story I’ve fallen in love with so there’s that) and I do really love this show and its characters so much. It’s hard, even impossivle to find a perfect show from start to finish and honestly I’ve come to believe that’s not as important as what you get out of it - if the show makes you happy, despite whatever writing issues it might have, that’s the most important thing, I think. And 2gether did that for me. So I’m glad I watched it.

Omg, this got so long. Again. If you’re still with me, anon, you’re a hero. I hope I was able to help you. <3

#bl drama #2gether the series #Anonymous

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lenin-it-to-win-it · 5 years

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just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)”

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class”

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!!

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

#vent #rant #i sincerely doubt anyone will read to the end of this but whomst knows #besides it feels nice to just scream

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marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer · 6 years

Text

MTVS Epic Rewatch #208

Don’t forget to vote on the season 7 polls!!

BTVS 7x21 End of Days

Stray thoughts

1) So this is how Faith is doing as the leader…

…and this is how Buffy is doing as the outcast Slayer…

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I wonder who’s the boss… (maybe we should ask Abed.)

2) I don’t like seeing Faith hurt, but I do get a very sick (I admit it) satisfaction at seeing all these girls hurt and scared because they kicked Buffy out and they screwed everything up in the worst possible fashion. I know that by having Faith lead them into yet another trap the writers were trying to prove the point that what happened at the vineyard could’ve happened to anyone and that it wasn’t Buffy’s fault (Buffy will make this same point herself later on the episode.) Both Buffy and Faith were trying to do what they thought was best, yet it backfired. Shit happens yada yada yada. Yet I just can’t help but feel personally vindicated when I see Faith and the potentials fuck everything up so spectacularly.

On the other hand, not only was Buffy able to pull herself together after the group (and her friends! Her family!) kicked her out and made her feel like the worst piece of shit in the whole world, but she also managed to A) get the scythe and B) make Caleb nervous, which was a first. So yeah. #teamBuffy

3) So why exactly were the Scoobies looking for Buffy? I mean, didn’t they kick her out literally the day before? And now they’re suddenly worried about her or something? The only person who followed Buffy after they all kicked her out was Faith. Faith! Do you see how wrong/ironic that this? Do you see how painful it must’ve been for Buffy not to have NONE OF HER FRIENDS – not Xander, not Willow, not Giles, not even her own sister! – go after her to see if she was okay? To ask her where she was going or what she was going to do? The only person who showed any concern whatsoever about her was probably the only person she would’ve labeled a potential enemy.

Damn you all, I’m still pissed off. I hate this. I hate having to feel this way about the characters I’ve loved for seven seasons in the FINAL EPISODES OF THE SHOW. It just feels so wrong, but I can’t help but HATE THEM. What the hell was this fucking writing choice? I hate it. I hate everything about it.

4) If I have to say something in favor of Kennedy is this, when shit hit the fan, she was the only one who wasn’t screaming like a moron and who was actually trying to fight off the Turok-Han. So yeah. The girl got spunk.

5) But she’s nothing compared to our designated BAMF.

6) No one is kicking Buffy out now, HUH? HUH???????????????????

Yes. Yes, you did.

8) And this is exactly why they shouldn’t have kicked her out or “rebelled” against her or whatever the fuck they thought they were doing.

BUFFY You guys, it was a trap. It's not her fault. That could've just as easily happened to me.

9) While I do appreciate the pun and the side glances between Buffy and Willow…

I still feel it’s very wrong they’re all just talking and Giles is playing around with the scythe as if the last time they’d been together they HADN’T HUMILIATED BUFFY AND KICKED HER OUT OF HER OWN FUCKING HOUSE???? LIKE SERIOUSLY??? In Willow’s own words, you're not gonna jokey-rhyme your way out of this one.

Like, I know the apocalypse takes precedence, but maybe say “sorry for kicking you out” and “thank you for saving us AGAIN”.

10)

11) Again, I get the same feeling with Xander. Like, did they all suddenly forget they had left Buffy alone and kicked her out of her own house? Xander is all like, “I don’t need you to protect me just because I lost an eye” but literally a day before he was telling her it was HER fault he’d lost it, and using that as a justification not only for removing her from her role as a leader but also TO KICK HER OUT OF HER OWN HOUSE. And now it’s just like nothing ever happened? How is that possible? How is literally no one apologizing to Buffy? And not only is he not apologizing, but Buffy is telling him that he’s her heart and the reason she’s still alive, which okay, it’s all kind of true, but he’s also the guy WHO BLAMED YOU FOR LOSING HIS EYE AND WHO KICKED YOU OUT OF YOUR OWN HOUSE THE DAY BEFORE?!

I didn’t know that End of Days could make me as angry as Empty Places but here I am.

We’re 14 minutes into the episode and still, no one has apologized to Buffy and they’re all pretending like they didn’t turn their backs on her and it’s pissing me off. I hate feeling this way in the episode prior to the series finale. This is not how a fan should be feeling right before the show ends!

12) Not only do I know what a glottal stop is but I’ve also learned how to pronounce it. Or at least I was able to pronounce it a few years ago.

13) And hence the fate of Miss Kitty Fantastico was finally revealed…

DAWN Xander, my crossbow is not out here. I told you, I don't leave crossbows around all willy-nilly. Not since that time with Miss Kitty Fantastico.

If you must hate Dawn, it should only be for this.

14) Did anyone really believe Xander would hurt Dawn?

15) What was the point of this scene…?

…I mean, other than to give us Nathan Fillion’s orgasm face?

16) And this is the difference between Buffy and the rest… just remember how everyone reacted and treated Buffy after the vineyard, and see how she acts here after literally the same happened with Faith in charge…

FAITH What do you want me to say? I blew it.

BUFFY You didn't blow it.

FAITH Tell that to—

BUFFY People die. You lead them into battle, they're gonna die. It doesn't matter how ready you are or how smart you are. War is about death. Needless, stupid death.

She’s understanding and reassuring, she’s not pointing fingers or kicking people out. And that’s why she’s a hero and the rest are a fucking bunch of morons. I’m sorry, I’m still so angry about Empty Places and this episode is not making things any better.

17) But I do love when my two slayers see eye to eye…

FAITH So, here's the laugh riot. My whole life I've been a loner.(…) No ties, no buddies, no relationships that lasted longer than... (…) Me, by myself all the time. I'm looking at you, everything you have, and, I don't know, jealous. Then there I am. Everybody's looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I've never felt so alone in my entire life.

BUFFY Yeah.

FAITH And that's you every day, isn't it?

BUFFY I love my friends. I'm very grateful for them. But that's the price. Being a slayer.

FAITH There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together.

BUFFY Also, you went evil and were killing people.

FAITH Good point. Also a factor.

BUFFY But you're right. I mean, I... I guess everyone's alone. But being a slayer? There's a burden we can't share.

FAITH And no one else can feel it. Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.

BUFFY Takes the edge off.

FAITH Comforting.

BUFFY Mm-hmm.

This is something that had been a long time coming. Since day one, Faith had envied Buffy. Just like Buffy saw in Faith her road not taken, Faith saw in Buffy the life she could’ve had but didn’t. She envied it and she wanted it for herself. She literally tried to steal it away several times. So if she couldn’t have it, if it wasn’t meant for her, then she could take Buffy away from it, drive her to the dark side, where she lived. Every attempt was futile, even stealing Buffy’s body and literally taking her life. It only made her feel more undeserving, more inadequate, more unworthy. But every time she’d taken a shot at being the leader, it was by playing tricks, by taking what it wasn’t rightfully hers. This time around, she had somehow earned it. There was no foul play on her part. Others made the decision for her and gave her the role she’d craved for so long. And she finally understood that it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Yes, Buffy did have friends and people who looked up to her and cared about her. But when push comes to shove, when tough calls must be made, the Slayer is always alone. The weight of the world is only on her shoulders, and she can’t share the burden. It took four seasons but Faith finally got it. And she could finally let go of all the envy and jealousy.

18) I just love the fact that for the first time Buffy is the one who opens up to Spike. She’s always been the one who pretends there’s nothing between them and who skirts around her feelings and dismisses his. But not this time. And for me, it was enough that she acknowledged that it meant something, even if they – and we – don’t know exactly what that was.

BUFFY You're a dope.

SPIKE I'm a what?

BUFFY You're a dope. And a bonehead. And you're shirty.

SPIKE Have you gone completely carrot-top?

BUFFY Do you see this? This may actually help me fight my war. This might be the key to everything. And the reason I'm holding it is because of you. Because of the strength that you gave me last night. Look, I am tired of defensiveness and weird, mixed signals. You know, I have Faith for that. Let's just get to the truth here, OK? I don't know how you felt about last night, but I will not—

SPIKE Terrified.

BUFFY Of what?

SPIKE Last night was... God, I'm such a jerk. I can't do this.

BUFFY Spike...

SPIKE It was the best night of my life. If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that, 'cause I couldn't bear it. It may not mean that much to you, but—

BUFFY I just told you it did.

SPIKE Yeah... I hear you say it, but... I've lived for soddin' ever, Buffy. I've done everything. Done things with you I can't spell, but... I've never... been close... to anyone. Least of all, you. 'Til last night. All I did was... hold you, watch you sleep. And it was the best night of my life. So, yeah... I'm... terrified.

BUFFY You don't have to be.

SPIKE Were you there with me?

BUFFY I was.

SPIKE What does that mean?

BUFFY I don't know. Does it have to mean something?

SPIKE No. Not right now.

19) Update: 29 minutes in and I’m still waiting for someone to apologize to Buffy.

20) Am I the only who thinks this speech is okay but like, the writers were trying too hard to give Anya her “Anya Speech Moment” of the season and it kind of feels a bit, I don’t know, forced?

ANYA Well...I guess I was...kinda new to bein' around humans before. But now I've... seen a lot more, gotten to know people... seen what they're capable of, and... I guess I just realized...how amazingly screwed-up they all are. I mean really, really screwed-up in a monumental fashion. And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die...which they...they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane. And yet, here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting, but they do. They never... never quit. So I guess I will keep fighting, too.

21) #priorities

22) And in another episode of Plots Totally Pulled Out of the Writer’s Ass… (a.k.a. Joss Whedon Tries to Rectify the Fact that He Wrote a Bunch of Men Violating the Original Slayer by Putting a Demon Inside of Her and Thus Utterly Destroyed the Whole Slayerness Equals Feminism Theme)

WOMAN We forged it in secrecy and kept it hidden from the Shadow Men, who...

BUFFY Yeah. Met those guys. Didn't really care too much for 'em.

WOMAN Ahh, yes. Then you know. And they became the watchers. And the watchers watched the slayers. But we were watching them.

BUFFY Oh! So you're like... what are you?

WOMAN Guardians. Women who want to help and protect you. We forged this centuries ago, halfway around the world.

Okay, I get it, I get what you were trying to do, but it was so fucking obvious, it was so transparent. Like, I know most of the so-called metaphors in this show were not so subtle (think the fucking monster-penis in Doublemeat Palace, for instance.) But the feminist struggle in the slayer vs the council struggle was always something that I personally enjoyed. And this is how Joss’s brand of “feminism” began to crumble down, in my opinion. This is what a white dude who is a self-proclaimed feminist believes to be a Good feminist storyline, but it’s so clichéd and self-evident it's almost cringe-worthy. Like, you get a bunch of Evil Men quite literally raping a Poor Woman, who is faked Empowered (her powers were lent to her by the Evil Men and the source of her powers is Evil, Demonic in nature because duh! she is a Woman) so that they can Manipulate her and Use her for the benefit of the Patriarchy. But oh wait! This is a Feminist Show! So in spite of what the Evil Men who were supposedly the Powerful ones did, there always were These Great and Powerful Women behind it all, the True Guardians of the Slayer, This has been a Matriarchy all along, you see?! PLOT TWIST!

Yawn.

The worst part? I can imagine all the writers patting themselves on the back for writing such a groundbreaking and Feminist storyline and for sticking it to the Men.

23) And btw, just to show you how big a Feminist Show this is, we get this…

I guess since this is a Feminist Show and Angel is the hero here and Buffy the damsel in distress, that makes Angel a woman, right?

But hey, at least he (or she?) literally let Buffy deliver the lethal blow…

24) And yes, this totally makes sense!

because Angel has not claimed to be in love with Cordelia and Buffy has not just had her more honest heart-toheart with Spike. Let’s just disregard whatever arcs have been developed in both shows in order to deliver a Ship Moment for the Bangel fans, right? Who cares about character development, right? Because I’m positive this is what former lovers do after not seeing each other in over a year, being currently emotionally unavailable, and facing the greatest evil of all. Suck face.

25) Update: minute 42 and I’m STILL waiting for someone to apologize to Buffy.

26) Sorry for the bitter rant!

27) If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi. Thanks!

#Buffy the Vampire Slayer #BTVS #Buffy Summers #Faith Lehane #The Chosen One #MTVSepicrewatch #mine #recap #End of Days #BTVSrewatch2015 #btvsrecap

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the-little-red-noodle · 6 years

Text

8/12/18 9:19am demisexual

“A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a emotional connection. It's more commonly seen in, but by no means confined, to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual.“

I’ve been throwing this term around in my head lately.

as preface, i’ve always hated terms like this. I actually only very recently embraced the bisexual thing because i just hate the labels. I didn’t want to call myself ‘bisexual’ or ‘queer’ because i’m just a person who is attracted to multiple genders. it doesnt matter to me, and the umbrella term queer is vile in a way to me because it means weird, and i dont think there is anything weird about the way i love or the way that any lgbtqia person loves. love is natural, not weird. just because it isnt straight, it has to be labelled weird? i dont subscribe to that idea. and i am never the person to want to add unnecessary terms to myself, because i dont like terms in general. im not forthright with my sexuality, but my group of friends is so prideful that i think its rubbed off on me, and im starting to look at the term bisexual as something to feel special about instead of ‘weird’.

with that being said, lets look at this new one. Demisexual, the way i see it, is someone who needs an emotional connection to a person before they can get sexy with them. i’ve been thinking more about it lately because ive been wondering if it is something i can relate to.

for the longest time when i was younger, i only thought you could be gay or straight, nothing else. learning about being bisexual made sense to me, and more and more im understanding asexuality and know it is completely valid though i didnt think it was real a couple years ago. so now confronted with demisexuality, my knee jerk reaction is ‘thats fake’, which i recognize is a fucked up way to view things like sexuality because everything is so fluid and changing and i shouldnt snark at the terms people have created to define parts of that fluidity. someone somewhere said this is how i feel, and other people were like hey me too, and now its a term that anyone can identify as.

i look at this term and i feel compelled by it but unsure if it is actually true of the way i experience sexual feelings or if i just see myself more often developing emotional connections to the people im interested in. in that way, i feel like the sexual feelings can precede the emotional connection. but then i think about how most people ive been with (consensually and enthusiastically) have been friends first, someone i felt kind of close to already that developed into sexual feelings for them, which supports the demisexual thing.

i wonder why i havent been a ‘hookup’ person in the past. i wonder why i havent gone out more as a single person to meet new people and why i always settled for the person i felt my heart was safe with. now, i feel frustrated with myself for thinking that i may have feelings for this new person that im hooking up with. i feel mad at myself for ‘being a girl’ because ‘girls always catch feelings’. but what if its not just because im a girl but because im kind of a little bit demi? and for me to feel the best kind of sexual attraction to someone, i have to kind of convince myself that i would date them if they asked, or at least catch a few feels so that the sex is satisfying.

i think about the first time we hooked up, on the 4th of july. it was really my first time ever talking to him, didnt know him at all other than the fact that he smoked a lot and had a good taste in music. i was drunk and looking to just hookup with someone, but when it came down to it when we were alone, i couldnt do it. i felt apathetic and not into it. i didnt put in much effort. he was grabbing at me and holding me and i kinda felt nothing? not even just that i didnt feel sexually enthralled by him, but i just felt literally nothing. jaded and apathetic and aloof. thats not a sexually satisfying experience.

then i think about how after that night together, i left without really saying goodbye. i just wanted to get out and go do other things with my day. i didnt want him to get my number, i lowkey wanted to never see him again.. but then he found me on social media and facebook and sort of initiated further contact, and then things changed for me. i started thinking about him. i started looking to see if he was watching my stories and liking my pictures, and when he would dm me i got kind of excited? fast forward to a month later, i invited him to this party with the same group of people because i actually wanted to hook up with him now. i had built it up in my head that this person was actually interested in me as a person and actually might like me, and there was nothing more attractive than the idea that this person might like me.. once i felt like that, i went for him, and the hook up was fucking amazing. sort of courting each other most of the day and cuddling and looking like a couple all day leading up to having an epic hook up that night.. mmph..

anyway, the difference is crazy because this second time, i was really into it. i knew going into the day that i was going to probably hook up with this guy, and didnt know how to act around each other but he just comes in and puts his arm around me first thing and the rest is history. i was so into it, i was such an active participant, and really trying to initiate things..

is that because i was just really horny lately? is it because we had the whole day leading up to it and there was anticipation? or is it because actually developing an ounce of an emotional connection made me really attracted to him?.. like is all of this because im actually kinda demisexual and need the emotional connection to want to fuck you? or is it because im just a ‘girl’ and ‘girls catch feels’.. like i dont know..

at the end of the day, i dont really care about the labels. i dont need to call myself demisexual to feel special, i just kind of want to know if thats the reason that i treat sex and hookups the way that i do. to be able to tell myself that im not just a dumb girl who catches feels for any guy who looks at her a certain way, but that in order to be really satisfied in sexual circumstances, i need to kinda feel connected to you emotionally.. and maybe thats not the worst thing in the world. and the validity of being demisexual doesnt mean that im falling in love with every person that i am physical with, just that i probably wont go home with someone from a bar. i probably wont make a tindr just to get laid. i probably wont jump at the option to fuck some stranger, cuz thats not satisfying in the way that spending a whole day getting to know someone and spending the night dry humping is.. lol

#samiswriting

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theklancecollection · 7 years

Note

Hi do you know of any fics where either Keith or Lance are trans boys?

Hey there Anon!

These fics are in the collection, and ones that I have read myself:

Trans!Lance:

In English, Please - Anonymous

Word Count: 4, 943

Summary: Lance thinks he can get away with flirting with Keith if it’s in Spanish. Lance thinks if he says the words angrily enough no one will catch on to the ruse. Lance thinks his secret crush is safe. Lance, my friends, is very…very wrong.

Trans!Keith:

We’re Still Good - Qpenguin98

Word Count: 1, 913

Summary: He can feel Lance’s heartbeat, warm through the leather of his gloves.

It’s very quiet, for once Lance has nothing to say.

Below the cut are 41 fics that have been categorized into trans!keith, trans!lance, and trans!keith & trans!lance. Just so you know I haven’t read them myself, so read them at your own discretion:

Trans!Keith:

This love won't ever be convenient - Lynn1998

Word Count: 78, 078

Summary: *Complicated by Avril Lavigne plays in the distance*

I'll Never Be Her - Zirijava

Word Count: 4, 202

Summary: Kat’s life is amazing. She has wonderful friends, an equally wonderful, but albeit weird, boyfriend Lance and a scholarship to the college of her dreams! But what would Lance say when Kat tells him that his girlfriend is a trans boy?

Or, Kat realizes she’s maybe a boy and suddenly everything he built up comes crashing down. Will his boyfriend be okay with having a boyfriend? Kat doesn’t know yet.

Hell Week - juniperallura

Word Count: 540

Summary: For prompt: "Can you write a story about Trans Boy Keith on his period? And he has cramps but his bf(s) is helping him with it and it's adorable? It doesn't matter who the bf(s) is."

Keith gets cranky on his period, but Lance doesn't care

Girl In Drag - Zirijava

Word Count: 2, 730

Summary: ”You just want to get attention, why else would you start walking around like that?”

I sighed. ”All I ever wanted was to be myself.”

She held up her hands. ”I get that, I do. But if you don’t want the world to know, then why make it so flashy? When people look at you, they don’t see a boy. They see a girl in drag. Why don’t you just do us all a favor and be who you’re supposed to be.”

You're you, that's what matters. - ghostlyghouls

Word Count: 1, 874

Summary:Lance hears Keith crying in his room late at night and decides to find out why.

Valid - CasanovaStrider

Word Count: 1, 046

Summary: Keith is a boy. He is. Sometimes he just had a hard time believing it himself. Lance is there to help.

Rattling the Frames, (Getting Inside My Brain) - truflais

Word Count: 748

Summary: But Keith wasnt taking a chance this time. He wasnt about to ruin his only binder on a stupid whim.

No matter how many times he passed, he could still hear the voice in the back of his head.

You're not a real boy.

You're a girl.

You. Are. A. Girl.

what's better than this just guys being dudes - iamnotalizard

Word Count: 2, 205

Summary: in which keith wants to come out to lance, and does so when he feels safe and happy and not pressured

Burning Out - lumberjackwiki

Word Count: 6, 226

Summary:Keith could barely function as a human before, but now? He wasn't even human so why should he try?

Surprise, I'm a nice guy! - wholesomeklances

Word Count: 1, 363

Summary: 5 times Lance misgendered Keith + 1 time he didn't

aka5 times Lance had no idea Keith was trans + 1 time Keith actually told him

Burned but not buried - Qpengsin98 (Qpenguin98)

Word Count: 1, 495

Summary: So he stands in the men’s section with his head low, trying not to draw attention to himself.

Keith hates shopping.

teeth and all - viscrael

Word Count: 2, 668

Summary: “Do you want to kiss someone?”

Keith almost drops his Bayard.

You're Not Supposed To Care - Qpenguin98

Word Count: 2, 484

Summary: At the time, Keith had thought it was a stellar idea. Make out with the guy you like, no one suspects a thing.

Keith's Worst Enemy - wholesomeklances

Word Count: 1, 897

Summary: Keith thinks he shouldn't bother Lance with his monthly subscription to The Blood Flow™. Shiro disagrees.

this oneshot revolves around menstruation! there's no description of blood, but if the subject triggers you for any reason, don't read!

I'm coming out of my cage - wholesomeklances

Word Count: 1, 852

Summary: How Keith came out as a trans boy and then as a gay boy.

Periods Are a Bitch - hogwartsschoolofanime

Word Count: 951

Summary: Keith would take hours of intense fighting over this. Literally, nothing can be worse than the fucking pain in his stomach. At least Lance is there to give him soup and read Harry Potter.

In which Keith has period cramps and Lance is the best boyfriend ever.

Glass Lion Menagerie - Anonymous

Word Count: 13, 865

Summary: Keith was fragile. Keith did not like to feel fragile.

A Quarter Past Midnight - Gigapoodle

Word Count: 14, 266

Summary: When Keith found himself standing in front of a hulking blue metal lion, of all things, surrounded by a hexagonal shield like it was straight out of a straight-to-DVD sci-fi movie, he simply guffawed. If this was what the higher beings were trying to guide his hand towards, they could shove that hand up their asses.

Bitter Coffees Shouldn't Sweeten the Heart - Lisboa

Word Count: 4, 569

Summary: For Klance Secret Santa 2016 (the original prompt will be added to the notes along with the name of the amazing person who gave me this prompt on December 25th)

And that’s how he found himself groaning against his pillow as it rained cats and dogs outside, his brain running miles an hour as his heart twitched painfully on his chest. He fell for him, and he fell hard. It should not have happened like this, not when Lance – flirty little Lance who was clearly into girls and not into Keith – meant so much to him. Romance would ruin what they had, and Keith would blame himself forever if that happened.

Ten, Eight, Seven - lordbatty

Word Count: 3, 217

Summary: Ten years is a long time to try and return to a normal state of living. To Keith and Lance, being able to settle down with a family makes it easier.

I think I'm In Lesbians With You - Qpenguin98

Word Count: 2, 028

Summary: He stops laughing. “Wait what?”

“I’ve never seen Scott Pilgrim before?”

“Holy shit you have got to be kidding me. What, did you grow up in a shack?”

Lance’s face pales as Keith deadpans a “Yes.”

Pick me up, Hold me Down - Qpengsin98 (Qpenguin98)

Word Count: 3, 436

Summary: “Keith, please just- we can talk this out, just get out of the water.”

Stop. Breathe.

Where are you?

Take Time to Breathe - orphan_account

Word Count: 7, 645

Summary: Keith's been part of team voltron for a while now, and theoretically, they should all know each other's secrets. But Keith is still in the closet to all but Shiro, and his dysphoria is eating him alive. When he cracks during a mind-meld exercise, Lance makes it his personal mission to reach out to the red paladin.

If - WildWolf25

Word Count: 15, 857

Summary: If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, (“If” by Rudyard Kipling)

(How Keith and Lance met and what their lives were like before Twelve Nights)

But The Foundation Is Crumbling - Qpenguin98

Word Count: 4,145

Summary: It’s the safest space they can be in together, piled in a car, eating pizza and backwash soda. No one to give them rules, no one to make fun of but themselves, no one to try and tell them all the things wrong with them.

Tick Tock - Ididntsignupforthisshit (Oliver_Ravenwood)

Word Count: 117, 477

Summary: Keith knew that his luck probably had little to do with Paula the Bobble Head. In fact, he had a sneaking suspicion that it had to do with the constantly ticking timer creeping up on his left thumb. A Soul Counter, as most called it. It was a natural phenomenon occurring in humans. In each person intended there was an ever present timer, constantly ticking down until the time where they would find their soulmate. When the timer would reach zero, a second tattoo-like marking would appear on the person’s skin – their Soul Mark. This would appear on the person’s soulmate in much the same place. Each pair’s Soul Mark was unique to just the two of them.

OR: The one where Keith was working and he found his soulmate - who just happened to be his favorite actor, Lance MotherF**king Vasquez.

What Could've Been - FaeOfStars

Word Count: 12, 927

Summary: "I hesitated to type, realizing what his last reply meant. He... liked me? I could feel my face heat up a bit more and I peered through my dark bangs to avoid letting him see the redness of my cheeks. His expression still held a hint of anxiousness, but he now wore a small smile on his face as he stared at me, waiting for me to respond. My fingers hovered over the keyboard, unknowing of what to press. Before my fingers could touch a single key, I saw letters begin to appear on the document. Lance was typing again.

'im sorry I shouldnt have said that'

Finally, my fingers moved.

'No, no. It's fine! I just... I don't know. I didn't expect that.'"

Keith was in love with Lance. Lance liked him back. It should have been simple from there, but unfortunately, life doesn't always work out the way it should.

Over My Dead Body! - VinVictory

Word Count: 38, 038

Summary: "Hey, Keith? Are you done yet?" Lance asks from behind the door. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah, I'm done changing."

Out of curiosity, Keith looks over his shoulder of how Lance will enter his room. He eyes the door.

"Aaaaannnddd, you're in your boxers." Lance says.

Silence.

Sonovabish went through the door!

*Where Lance is a ghost and Keith is the only one who can hear him! :0Join Keith as he discovers the revelations and the truth behind Lance's death.

Banksy-Ass Wannabe - n00dl3Gal

Word Count: 3, 287

Summary: Lance has done many, MANY stupid things in his 19 years.

But ruining someone else's spray might be the stupidest.

ESPECIALLY if that person is his biggest rival.

(The Graffiti/Street Artist AU that no one asked for, with hints of College AND Coffee Shop AUs, because I'm a giver.)

Trans!Lance

Binder Blues - fairdeath

Word Count: 1, 273

Summary: Lance is tired. Just... tired. Five extra steps to every mission that the others don't follow – bind, cry because it fucking hurts over the blue-black bruises of the last fight, get hit a few times more than necessary, spend 20 minutes catching your breath, ignore the bruises the binder pushes at until the next fight.

keith's jacket - eyeball

Word Count: 3, 307

Summary: Keith's search for his stolen jacket is set aside when more pressing matters arise. The sobs coming from behind Lance's closed door are a bit more than worrying, so Keith lets himself in. He tries to provide all the support he can, but he can only do so much for the sniveling lump of a boy with tear-filled eyes and a refusal to explain himself.

throwing shadows - ilgaksu

Word Count: 3, 334

Summary: “Dude,” Lance says, “It’s not my fault he does this!”

“Dude,” Hunk says, and leaves it at that.

Secrets - potato_fan_girl

Word Count: 3, 567

Summary: Only half the team knew.

Contrary to their belief, Lance was actually an expert secret keeper. With a large family like his, he had to know when to keep his mouth shut. So, despite the loud, obnoxious, open persona he displayed for the others, he could also be sneaky.

So, keeping a secret on an unbelievably large castle ship with only six other people on it was easy.

Or at least, it should've been.

(AKA Lance is trans, and because of a really terrible alien, the team finds out.)

Warm Hands - darkinsanity13

Word Count: 4, 279

Summary: Something's rather literally cramping Lance's style. Keith lends him a hand or two.

Carpe Diems and Chrysanthemums - Gigapoodle

Word Count: 14, 694

Summary: Lance falls unimaginably hard for the biker boy with a black mop of hair and terrible Spanish skills. After years of rivalry, bitter acquaintanceship, and eventual friendship, the realization slaps Lance hard, hard enough to settle into his lungs and sap his life away. It's when he coughs up a petal that Lance realizes just how far gone he is.

Lance McClain decides he is going to die.

A Modern Hanahaki Disease AU.

Trans!Lance and Trans!Keith:

Shades of Purple - candyalpacas

Word Count: 2, 775

Summary: When Lance comes out to the team, he finds out something about Keith he never expected.

I Refuse to Believe in the Existence of a Universe Where I Don't Love You - wholesomeklances

Word Count: 1, 143

Summary: cute trans boyfriends talk about feelings

Just Hear Those Sleigh Bells Ringing - blumen

Word Count: 1, 752

Summary: “I spent six hours on it and pricked myself at least ten times.”

Keith felt his heart leap to his throat. It was a hideous jumper no doubt but Lance looked so proud that Keith could almost forget-Christ, was that a LED light on the nose? Keith felt like apologizing to both Rudolph and the sanctity of the Christmas spirit.

It's Your Typical, Hardcore Casual Sex - lordbatty

Word Count: 4, 395

Summary: Lance is good. Too good. Too right. Keith is too hurt to admit anything, even to himself. And it was terrifying.

#klancecollection answers #klance fic recs #trans!keith #trans!lance #voltron #klance #lance #keith #Anonymous

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angeljonghyun · 6 years

Text

Insanely long emotional ramble ahead, you can ignore it. I just needed to let it out somewhere

Im filled with anxiety and the feeling of panic. I woke up an hour ago and it only gets worse. I wonder what its like to have a fixed schedule, i have too much time to worry and think. I woke up thinking about jjong right away, being so confused by the fact that hes gone. I wanted to go to the gym today again, finally it has been so long, but now idk how well i can eat and if i can stand being even more stressed bc being in public, doing somewhat normal things and not being home all day is scary to me too. Gosh i feel so horrible atm, its so much worse bc i get my period the next days. I couldnt be more depressed and emotional at the same time. Im so scared of the mv and album, idk how well i will be able to handle it. Maybe it feels even worse bc i know its like the last real thing of him we will ever get. Maybe its so horribly painful bc his songs are often personal and i will be reminded about his struggles once again. I know people say that no one should look into his new album and make up theories, what i understand, i dont want people to do this for any type of sttention which is not linked to good intentions, but honestly... his music, all his lyrics are linked to what happened. The wish to not be here anymore is something almost every depressed person has to deal with and so every song has parts of that demon of his inside of them, probably doesnt matter if its from years ago. It hurts like hell and i still dont know what is right or wrong. Idk if i should force myself to do a lot or suffer at home so all these tears can run freely. Idek what to feel anymore. I have survived the worst of it all and know things will get better, but reliving insane pain is scary and knowing that its gonna happen so soon ... . I dont know if its good that it happens so early or not. I really cant tell if i should watch the mv or listen to the album but ive never been a person who was able to watch an mv late bc i always wanted to know whats going on. I still am that way so i will most likely torture myself. Maybe not the best choice and maybe it will break me down entirely again, but i dont really see another option. Its so scary and something inside of me just wants to completely erase every bit of shinee in my life bc im so stressed and sad all the time, but wtf how am i supposed to do that its impossible and also i dont want to... i just wish to find peace kind of, but i know i cant. There will be so much happening still which will tear open that massive wound again and thats so exhausting wow. Its so weird how i feel kind of close to jjong bc i try to keep him close, but at the same time im so scared of him. Its the weirdest feeling and makes me feel so so sick. Its so weird how i accepted his death but cant handle anything well at all. There are times when im kind of emotionless, but thats not how i truly feel inside. Its just weird to me to watch the mv of him bc of obvious reasons i guess and then theres take the dive the song id love to delete entirely so it wouldnt exist. Im such a mess. I can listen to his old music with a heavy heart but idk what kind of emotions this album will wake up. I can imagine i really just listen once and ignore forever, but idk really. This album wont ever be loved by me and i feel bad for that. Im sorry jjong but im gonna feel devastated about everything forever and cant appreciate you and your hard work the way i should. Im still here wishing none of this is real. At moments im literally just standing somewhere thinking to myself that i should wake up now, but i know it wont happen. Then again i feel the intense need to love and support the rest of shinee. My second angel is still alive... im just scared to attach myself to kibum way too much just like i did with jjong before... im already lost in this one sided love for him, but i know i shouldnt feel that way and it drives me crazy. I hate this i hate all of this i hate every part of this shithole called life. i never want to experience anything like this ever again. I never wanted to experience this in the first place.

#and im still asking why him when its such an awful question intending that someone else deserves it much more to feel bad and die #i srsly dont know how to live and function and do good things for myself when all of this is whats reality for me #yesterday i had... unhealthy thoughts while watching a train arrive #and im like???? tf shut up brain orz #tw: sucide mention #tw: suidice #tw: death

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spnife · 7 years

Text

91 question tag

Tagged by @vanillabeanniall and then @uswntinharmony

More below the cut bc that’s how I roll

the last –

1. drink: Arizona Tea

2. phone call: my mom

3. text message: my mom - she sent me two climbing videos. Or I sent them to me, from her phone

4. song i listened to: What a feeling, but I was asleep (i checked the music app just now), so the last song I remember hearing is Ray of Light by Madonna

5. time you cried: wednesday. First day of school was today so it was some stress

have you ever – 6. dated someone twice: yeah

7. been cheated on: yeah. I became friends with the guy though. Similar tastes I guess??? (( Actually I blocked him on snapchat last year bc he was talking some bs on his story but in eigth grade he wasn’t awful)) She lied abt it though and then talked to me two years later and still lied like okay

8. kissed someone and regretted it: no ragrets

9. lost someone special: not really

10. been depressed: fuck hell yep

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no. I had like a sip of beer on a trip but it was just to mess with a dude while he was in the porta potty

list 3 favorite colors – 12. light blue

13. orangish pink

14. dark purple

in the last year have you – 15. made new friends: heck yeah. I switched schools and found a really good group of people there already. It’s been alright

16. fallen out of love: not in the last year. gotta be in love first

17. laughed until you cried: probably but I don’t remember rn

18. found out someone was talking about you: I think? I found out parents were saying nice things about me. Mean wise maybe? I’m not really sure. Probably

19. met someone who changed you: at least one. a teacher last year

20. found out who your true friends were: i think?

more – 21. kissed someone on your facebook? alas, i do not have a facebook

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? see 21

23. do you have any pets? A super sweet black lab named FeeBee, a kitten named Mulder and a cat named Milo, and a hedgehog named Wembly

24. do you want to change your name? i like my name. My last name bothers me sometimes bc dad stuff but it’s gotten better

25. what did you do on your last birthday? I had a chill day at school, got a nice car, got a card from all of the kids on the climbing team. One of them said “Wow Coach Ella, you only have two more years til you can drink,” like i’m sorry kid I’m only 16

26. what time did you wake up? 7. first day of school

27. what were you doing at midnight? crying and putting school stuff in my backpack and watching VEEP

28. name something you can’t wait for: to keep getting better at climbing, the Harry Styles concert on oct 11, my birthday on oct 13 bc it should be fun and I hope I’ll get another card from the climbing team bc they’re all lovely

29. when was the last time you saw your mother? today

30. what is one thing you wish you could change about your life? i want to know that I’ll be able to be happy

31. what are you listening to right now? watching Raising Hope

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom? yep

33. something that is getting on your nerves? I keep getting anxiety while I’m at climbing practice and that’s one of my most comfortable places. it feels like im going downhill with climbing even though I know im getting better

34. most visited site: netflix

school – 35. elementary: i loved my elementary school. every teacher i had was amazing, small school in austin and a good community and i still talk to my friends from there. so when i moved to the new school in fifth grade and depression was already showing up, the differences made it literally hell. it was awful. i didnt like my teachers and i didnt know people

36. middle: 6th grade was hell, 7th grade was even fuckin worse, 8th was still pretty bad. All the worst years of my life so far, and tbh it’s gonna be hard to top them

37. high: better than middle school but thats a really fucking low bar. like incredibly low.

38. college: planning for ACC for two years to get base courses, dream school UT in an engineering major. I love the school and the program there, but I worry if I could barely get through middle school, how tf am I supposed to survive college. Also it didn’t feel great when I was talking to a friend and I was like “yeah ut is tbh my dream school, if I can get in” and she was like “oh that’s one my last choice colleges” like fucking okay love you thanks for telling me that makes me feel real good about my intelligence and how you view me

me – 39. hair color: brown

40. long or short hair? shoulder length

41. do you have a crush on someone? yep. according to a friend i am “so gone for this girl” but um. oka y what if she doesn’t like me? I feel good around her though and she likes being around me and we work well together I think. She’s lovely and I wouldn’t want to make things weird by asking her out if I don’t know she feels that way too.

42. what do you like about yourself? I am able to figure things out and I work with kids really well. I’ve also been getting better at climbing again so I’m proud of myself for that

43. piercings? just my ears

44. blood type: lol yeah like i know?

45. nickname: ellallalala is something I’m getting from people at the new school, and I’ve had some climbing nicknames over the years but Coachella is sticking. I coach and my name is Ella it’s great

46. relationship status: nope

47. zodiac sign: libra

48. pronouns: she/her

49. favorite tv show(s): always sunny, parks and rec, my name is earl, curious george

50. tattoos: soon

51. right, ambidextrous, or left-handed? right

first – 52. surgery: i had one on my pelvis in 2013? i was in preschool and it was for this weird group of veins on the side of my leg. We’d always called it a birthmark and after the surgery the scar looked like a sunset over water but the sun is purple (still looks like that it’s rad) and the first time someone showed me a birthmark i was like??? Um no thats just a little dark bit of skin?? my birthmark is purple what is this shit

53. piercing: ears

54. sport: rock climbing. found it early and still love it

55. vacation: no idea

56. pair of trainers: first i remember are a PAIR OF DORA LIGHT UP SHOES

current – 57. eating: nothing

58. drinking: arizona tea

59. i’m about to: finish my arizona tea

60. listening to: the episode ended so me typing and the clock my great grandmother gave is

future – 61. waiting for: me to feel alright

62. want: to like what i’m doing and to know i’m able to be happy doing it. I wish I could just skip to being married with kids and a dog and everything.

63. married: oh for sure

64. career: astronaut has always been my dream career but with this level of anxiety it’s probably a no go. I am not over it. I’m def gonna cry abt it in a couple of minutes bc thats how it goes, ya know. The last astronaut I talked to though said “the biggest disqualifier is not applying” so i’m still going to try my hardest. I also love engineering and physics and space and science and education and would love to be a librarian, so we’ll see

your type –   65. hugs or kisses? depends

66. lips or eyes? eyes, i guess. There’s more character there

67. shorter or taller? in my head i’m always like oh taller but really it doesn’t matter. as long as i can be little spoon im good to go

68. older or younger? doesn’t matter

69. nice arms or nice stomach? tummies are cute i guess.

70. sensitive or loud? i don’t know

71. hook-up or relationship? right now relationship and at some point relationship but ask me a couple months ago and it would have been different

72. troublemaker or hesitant? both. troublemaker with a lot of decisions but in fun ways, but hesitant when it comes to talking to new people that i want to be good friends with. and asking people out

73. kissed a stranger? yep. on a bet

74. drank hard liquor? had some jack daniels mixed with coffee and it tasted like cinnamon toast crunch

75. lost contact lenses/glasses? my glasses always turn up

76. turned someone down? yeah. accidentally on a few though lol. As i had a crush on someone i went out with for a little while last yeah legit three other people liked me and i guess im oblivious bc i had no fucking idea

77. sex on first date? depends

78. broken someone’s heart? i don’t think so

79. had your heart broken? yes but in a friendship way along with the relationship. it goes back to the you should kill yourself stuff

80. been arrested? nope

81. cried when someone died? no one i’ve known closely has died. My great-great grandmother died when i was fiveish but she was really old. There have been a few suicides at my old school (i switched 2 months before end of last year) and those hit hard, just knowing that there are so many people here dealing with that stuff and me relating to it. I didn’t know the people well but we’d spoken and I knew them some, but I had some friends who were much closer and really affected

82. fallen for a friend? yeah

do you believe in – 83. yourself? i try

84. miracles? shit happens, and sometimes it’s good

85. love at first sight? who am i to say tbh

86. santa claus? no

87. kiss on first date? if i like them

88. angels? no

other – 89. current best friend’s name: skip

90. eye color: hazel

91. favorite movie: i dont know im tired and want to cry sort of so maybe i shouldnt think about this stuff as much when im already stressed im going to go drink more tea and eat some soup

Anway

I’m tagging anyone who reads this far. gotcha

#about me #mine

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remnantsofyourcigarette-blog · 5 years

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Coming to terms...

When I said before that I never really thought back to our experience since it ended, i really meant not even once. Not a trip, not a day, not a feeling nothing. I dropped it all that day and i swept it to the abyss of my mind. But like I said, after our short interaction, I felt like there were unresolved remnants between us, and I wanted to close them. So I talked to a few people, I went down to the river, and I thought it through. I looked at our photos, I brought my mind back to a place i thought was dismissal, and for the first time, all these months later, I feel like Im just processing through it all. I thought after I sent you that message trying to close the gaps, things would feel closed. But this week, it's so strange. All the days we spent together are slowly coming back to me. I'm literally getting flashbacks and I walk, and go about my day. I'm in a meeting and I'm presenting, but at the same time my mind is splitting and reissuing the experience back to me. It is so strange, these once non-nostalgic experiences are suddenly feeling like their happening in real time. Times of us in the grass at the park, watching your face and thinking about whats going through your mind, the seemingly endless nights when I wouldnt let you leave my car. Pushing me up the hill in SF. All that delicious indian food i was gonna make you try. Oh and did we deep throat a banana? Haha i dont remember why we did that but gosh that was so fun. Damn...I miss you. But at the same time, I have to recongnize that I know it was not the right time. It's hard for me to explain, but I went into my internship thinking I had a job secured. It was supposed to be May to December then convert and start full time. So for the first time, I thought I was ready to start dating. But the business unit I was in tanked, and suddendly me converting to full time was highly unlikely. It kept me up at night not having a plan. I was applying for jobs literally all over the US, and I wouldve taken one anywhere at that point, even north dakota. And with that pivot, I had people around telling me it did not make sense to date. It was more than likely I wouldn't be in Sac past December. And they were right, and I shouldnt have ever tried dating until I knew what I was doing. And that's my fault. I still believe breaking things off was the correct thing to do, but I do regret the way I did it. I regret not being able to be there for you during your trials and tribulations, especially with your father, and I regret being a primary contributing factor to them. The experiences I had during my internship, the people i've met, the places I went, I learned so much about life and myself, and the world around me. It has changed the core of who I am, i had experiences that i will never in my life get to have again and I would never forgive myself if I didnt experience them. I shouldve explained that to you. Even if we continued things, they were bound to fall through because of this. I couldnt commit to you and be fully in it. I needed time and space but it wouldnt have been fair to make you wait for an uncertain future. I remember starting to feel torn while we were together because I felt like before me was this opportunity to push the boundaries of my being and revolutinize who I was as a person by throwing myself whole heartedly into the experience of being 600miles from home, and living everyday I had here like it was my last. This was the last mile before I finished school and would pivot to adulthood. Was I ready to date? I begin to question myself. But at the same time I had someone that I felt for like I never felt for anyone before, and had the opportunity to throw myself whole heartedly into as well. I talked to everyone around me about this, everyone but you, and that was a huge mistkae. I wasnt transparent. Everyone reminded me of my youthful age, my coworkers obviously pushed me into their direction, and at the end of the day, I decided I couldn't be emotionally available at that time in my life. I stil feel this was the right decision. But what I did after making that decision was an absolute fuck up. I didnt want to hurt you. I could feel your pain when I first began to bring signs out that things were going to break off, I knew exactly how you were feeling. But you were the first person i've ever really dated, so I never had to deal with this before. I've never been responsible for someones well being, and all could think of was how you trusted me with it. I didn't konw how to handle it, I tried to guide you through it initially, but like I said before, I honestly grew jealous of other things, and I came to the conclusion the best person to help you through it shouldnt be the person causing it. At the same time i honestly forgot how to function without you. I knew we needed time apart before but at the same time i didnt want to accept that. But at the same time i knew i couldn't commit. It was all mushed in my mind. We had constant chaotic fights after things broke off, and with everything that was happening around me with shcool, and work, and at my home home, I couldn't figure it out. I projected the absolute worst version of my self with handling the situation, and im so so sorry for leaving you the way I did. I'm sure these flashbacks will pass as quick as theyre coming, but I just want you to know that I really appreciate who you are, and I was lucky to ever call you mine. Im sorry for what I did, i gave you so many reasons to despise me. I hope youre able not to just forget about it, but to forgive me. Ik everyone close to you prolly hates me, and i cant blame them. But i hope youre able to see me a neutral term again. I never thought i would ask that, i felt like my pride would always guide me. I ended up getting an offer from intel, by the grace of god of course. My internship came to an end and i took a month off to spend time with my family back in AZ before beginning the next stage of my life. This week I'm remembering your unconditoinal kind heart, all the love you had to give, your hard work and dedication to your job, school, and your family and friends. I'm thinking of ways that I can incoperate your practices of selflessness into my own life. You're a great brother, you're a great son, you're a great man. I'm sorry for what I did, I probably am attatched to negative feelings in your mind, but I hope we can good friends again one day. I'm happy that you found Hayden. I bet he is a killer guy, and one of a kind. You deserve nothing less. I'm sorry for the anger, hurt, and neurotic chaos that I inspiried. I'll cherish my experience with you forever. You're doing great in life, and youre on your way to do even greater things. I hope you dont mind if I check up on you from time to time. I do miss you, but I trust youre in good hands. If you ever need anything, you always have a friend in me. Gabe 02/2019

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