#im having feelings about disco elysium
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its so strange…. this game didnt change me. it was like…. normal. natural. i was able to kinda play myself. be silly and crazy and stupid and pathetic. and kim stood by. and ppl were a bit weirded out or thought i was stupid or even made fun of me, but? it was still fine! i still solved the case. i still connected to people. i even laughed w ppl i thought were jerks. i managed to befriend ppl who wanted to beat me up.
this game allowed me to be my pathetic self and still do my thing. its so awesome i wanna cry.
nothing is gonna compare now
no other rpg can do that. damn.
im not a hero… not a saviour of the world…. nope, just a pathetic, sad guy who gets high and drunk and threatens to kill himself but who can also help people. in small ways. its so…. real.
i really like how they did the characters.
even compl jerks. you cant hate all of them completely. they are people. some of them are stupid fucking racist people. some of them are very nice and v lowkey racist people. some of them are huge jerks but justified cuz they care about one thing a lot. this game is a love letter to humanity
spoilery below
and i LOVE how basically EVERYTHING i did mattered. every thing! every single thing! even if it seemed stupid and pointless and like a waste of time! talking to those two old guys playing boule? it mattered!
and i loved how.... real the people were. all of them. they really were. i think a lot of people would have written a lot of these characters very, very, very differently. i was mad that evrart was that way. but he was real. and that made... everything, every conversation, every decision more real, because everything was complicated, just like in real life. theres ideology and political theory and theres reality. theres a really, REALLY nice old lady. but shes racist. lowkey. but she is. and thats.... its disappointing, but its real, you know? what are you gonna do? stop talking to her? but shes so nice. and theres an interesting quest. these conflicting feelings - so real! just like in real life. do you stop talking to your nice neighbour because she made a racist comment? its messy. and then you meet complete jerks and you already write them off, you are basically waiting for your chance to "pay them back", but hey, look, they are actually decent.
the secret is like.... getting to know them and learning about the one thing they care about the most.
and you can go and try to build communism (wooo, 0.0002%!!) and you meet these young guys, its just. yeah. thats exactly how it is. fucking beans.
and the thing is: you gotta work with them. all of them. even the jerks. even the corrupt assholes.
because you cant burn bridges with every bad person. because they are all part of society, whether we like it or not. and its not like you are without fault. ur a fucking pig, as some love to point out. thats done. cant change that, no matter how much u want to, lol. the past is the past and u gotta move on.
and u can talk all u want all day long. what matters is what u do.
i keep thinking about cindy. standing on the outside hallway, looking at the city, at the people - people she hates. right below the radical youth hangout. thinking about the perfect, perfect slogan. and the two communist students, judging her for not being educated. in the end, shes the one who does something.
anyway. its nice to play a game where u are the literal incarnation of karl marx. (its canon, okay?)
#im having feelings about disco elysium#finished it yesterday#reblogged a bunch of posts and then fell into bed and now im up and thinking about it#god#such a good fucking game#im so happy i finally played it!!!!#i planned to do it during the winter holidays and im sooooo glad i did#i actually got it a few months back#but i literally got stuck on the very first quest cuz im a huge fucking idiot which is v funny in hindsight#so i decided to swallow my pride and use a walkthrough#which i didnt even need actually#i just had to talk to everybody and look at everything#i guess i felt intimidated at how cool kim was and didnt wanna seem pathetic in front of him#ha! thats the whole point#i love u kim <3<3<3
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to me this line is like, where harry reaches the closest thing to self actualization within the text of the game. he doesn't desire to be a different kind of animal anymore. its such a kind thing to say to himself about a quality that in his line of work could very much be perceived as a flaw. idk i just like it
#im probably gonna put something close to this in my video but i just. yeah#disco elysium spoilers#ANNIE AND FEARGHUS DON'T READ#but like the way the phasmid goes on to say that it empathizes with harry/humanity itself due to its sensitivity#to have that experience which is so accepted and brushed off in day to day life be heard and sympathized with#something something the way disco elysium presents humanity's unique consciousness as something that is often overwhelmig and horrifying#and forgives harry for being overwhelmed by that sensitivity and consciousness and congratulating him for even reaching this point#IDFKKKKK#the noid line thats like consciousness is new to the universe we all have our ways to ease the shock#literally been thinking about it for WEEKS#the way we interface with the world is unique and beautiful but it can also be terrifying and devastating so its ok to be scared#even if it feels like everyone else is fine#getting personal in the tumblr tags ummm#disco elysium#disco elysium meta#harry du bois#insulindian phasmid
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oh but what do you see in harry why do you like him so much whats so good about him he stinks hes an addict hes done fucked up shit hes not even cute how can you find anything attractive in him how do you find anything good like AAAAAAAA
ITS ABOUT CHOICE! THERES SO MANY BAD OPTIONS TO CHOSE FROM BUT THERE IS STILL AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO SOMETHING INCREDIBLY KIND AS HARRY
YOU CAN BE AN ULTRALIBERAL YOU CAN BE A MORALIST A FASCIST EVEN BUT YOU CAN ALSO CONSCIOUSLY CHOSE NOT TO PURSUE ANY OF THESE ROUTES
ITS ABOUT HAVING CAPACITY TO DO GOOD IN A WORLD THAT ACTIVELY DISCOURAGES YOU FROM IT IN A SYSTEM THAT EVEN PUNISHES YOU FOR IT
ITS ABOUT CAPACITY FOR CHANGE ITS ABOUT THE BEAUTY OF HUMAN RESILIENCE
and honestly so what if hes an addict! im surrounded by addicts! theres an alcoholic living next door theres acoholics at a family function theres a bunch sitting at a bench near the church or at the park theres an addict i love theres an addict i just met or some that i just heard of and some are kind some are not some are trying to get help some arent some stopped using and some havent and they all deserve at least the basic modicum of respect and kindness and aid harry might be fictional but all his troubles and ailments are not theyre real things that happen to real people! and i do empathize with that! sometimes i even relate! and it does make me love him as a character very much!
and frankly i dont care if hes conventionally attractive im tired of conventionally attractive im tired of seeing the same cardboard cutout of a pretty face and perfect abs okay! i find the receding hairline delightful! i love a belly! thick arms are wonderful! i dont care that his ass is flaccid thats where all our asses head towards and theres beauty in it! and in the flamboyant mismatched clothing and weird hairstyles and questionable facial hair! and idc abt the bloating or the redness i have a red face too! perpetually! i think its cute! and its also a testament to the resilience of human body and it is inherently beautiful to me!
and he stinks bc hes on a bender and forgot everything and doesnt even know what money is give him time honestly you can work up to a good hygiene and a good routine
okay im done goodbye
#disco elysium#harry dubois#harrier du bois#riemblings#ive seen one post too many ill probably feel stupid about this tomorrow but for now im going to sleep or finish writing my stupid essay#i hate having adhd but thats besides the point okay#i love harry a lot idcidcidcisc#message me with your harry critique when you manage to not make it abt his disabilities or his looks or his addiction#hes far from perfect hes done horrible things! and yet everyone is focused on him having shit hygiene and a drug and alcohol problem#okay im fine now!! im fine! im okay!!
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CINDY THE SKULL — “Evening, officers. It’s a bit late to be skulking about, don’t you think?” Though she’s lounging around the coal room door as languidly as ever, her pale eyes ringed with coal dust seem to bore a hole in your skull.
YOU — “I’m looking for a place to sleep.”
CINDY THE SKULL — She lifts an eyebrow at you and Kim. “Did the cafeteria man finally decide he wasn’t interested in keeping a pigsty?”
YOU — “No, Kim is still staying there. I just can’t pay my bill.”
KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant clears his throat slightly. “Let’s not give people the impression that officers of the RCM make a habit of dodging their tabs, detective.”
CINDY THE SKULL — She glances at Kim, lips pursing just slightly.
EMPATHY — His little comment irritated her. Curious.
CINDY THE SKULL — “Tough luck, officer.” She shrugs, the faux fur collar of her coat brushing her cheeks. “There’s a perfectly good garbage bin in the courtyard. It’s got a lovely view. Real prime real estate.”
YOU — “I know. Garte said I could sleep there, but I’d rather find somewhere else.”
CINDY THE SKULL — She blinks her coal-smeared eyes at you. Then, she turns to the lieutenant. “Is he joking?”
KIM KITSURAGI — “No,” he says drily. “He is not. If you know of any… more *comfortable* places to sleep, we would be much obliged.”
CINDY THE SKULL — She stares openly at the two of you, as if in disbelief.
COMPOSURE — The absurdity of your plight has nearly broken right through her veneer of youthful detachment.
CINDY THE SKULL — “Maybe I’m the one who should be a detective. I can solve your little case for you right now.” She points to the lieutenant. “Your room.”
KIM KITSURAGI — His face is solid stone. “No.”
ESPIRIT DE CORPS — There are so many reasons why he does *not* want to do that. He has neither the time nor any desire to share them with Cindy. Or with you, for that matter.
-1 MORALE
CINDY THE SKULL — She whistles softly. “Damn. Must be true what they say about pigs and cannibalism.”
KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant does not rise to her bait.
EMPATHY — But there is something playing at the downturned corners of his mouth and the furrow of his brow. Something like guilt.
YOU — “What about the coal room, Cindy?”
CINDY THE SKULL — She outright laughs at you. “Fuck no! You want in my room, get a warrant, piggo!”
LOGIC — While drug possession is not a crime in Revachol, it doesn’t stop most cops from confiscating substances from vulnerable civilians for their own personal use. Including yourself, most likely.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY — Hey, good idea! Cindy’s an artsy type, she’s probably got all kinds of shit to get her creative juices flowing.
PAIN THRESHOLD — And to get her through the cold and the hunger and the cruelty.
VOLITION — No. Don’t make things any worse than they already are.
YOU — “But then… where do I go?”
CINDY THE SKULL — She shrugs again. “It’s not my problem, is it? Ask your partner, here. Or maybe you should take a hint and go back home to the farm.”
YOU — “I don’t know if I have a home… I think I lost it.”
KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant’s frown deepens. He stares down at his boots rather than meet your or Cindy’s eye.
CINDY THE SKULL — A long, almost uncomfortable silence. Her eyes are hardening as they take you in— you and your bloodshot eyes, your slightly labored breathing, your clothes that are certainly too thin to keep you warm tonight.
EMPATHY — She feels sorry for you, and she resents herself for it.
CINDY THE SKULL — She lets out a long sigh, closing her eyes and shaking her head. “All right, piggy. Just quit looking at me all pitiful… You saw the foreclosed apartment in the hall, right? If you wait for the cleaning lady to go to sleep, and you don’t stay long, it’s not a bad place. Better than the trash, anyway.”
REACTION SPEED — She seems to regret it as soon as the words leave her mouth. She’s not thrilled at the idea of trusting your honor not to rat out or even arrest your fellow squatters. But it’s too late now.
SUGGESTION — Wait. Is it really that simple? What if she expects something in return for the information? Or she could be setting a trap for you!
YOU — “Hang on. What’s the catch?”
CINDY THE SKULL — A wry smile breaks out across her face. It almost looks pained. “No catch, officer. I’m no snitch. Nor a pig.”
RHETORIC — You’ve insulted her more deeply than she cares to let on. She helped you because she knows your struggles intimately. Struggles that have claimed the lives of people she cared about. But now you’ve reminded her of the difference between you: she calls you pig because you sold your humanity for the power to strip others of their own.
EMPATHY — She’s sad. She was born sad and she will die sad. You are the one making her sad.
YOU — “Hey, Cindy?”
CINDY THE SKULL — “What?”
“I’m sorry. Thank you for helping me.”
“You shouldn’t judge me. We’re the same. We do what it takes to survive. You have the Skulls, I have the RCM.”
“Can’t we just get along?”
“I’ll pay you back somehow. I’ll make things right.”
“I don’t want to be this kind of animal anymore.”
KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant looks up at you, startled. Concerned, even. He almost looks as though he wants to say something, but nothing comes to him. He just stares at you, at a loss.
CINDY THE SKULL — She levels you with a steady gaze. Even without the coal dust, her eyes would look sunken into her wan face. If it weren’t for the roundness still clinging to her cheeks, she would have lost nearly all trace of her youth by now.
“I don’t think you even understand what kind of animal you are,” she says coolly.
ENCYCLOPEDIA — Homo sapien.
CONCEPTUALIZATION — A tiny, violent ape.
AUTHORITY — Predator.
HALF LIGHT — Prey.
VOLITION — You’re a human, Harry. Nothing more or less.
INLAND EMPIRE — The saddest and cruelest animal of them all.
#disco elysium#cindy the skull#harry du bois#kim kitsuragi#i have a lot of feelings about cindy’s interactions w the player…#but anyway. this was inspired by me failing to earn enough money on day 2 to pay garte#and since i asked joyce for money on day one kim never sold his spinners for me#but like he does that to cover specifically the damages right. not for ur 20 real for the room#so he was comically uncaring about my plight LMFAO#even tho I the player knew that he could help me if he wanted bc he still had the spinners 😭😭😭#anyway this resulted in me panicking and swearing for quite some time bc joyce was gone for the night#and the pawn shop was closed#and eventually i just went and savescummed the check to beat up measurehead until i passed#just so that i could look around the harbor for money until i had enough to pay for the bed 😭#sorry kim for making you follow me around past 4 am but actually im not sorry#that’s what you get for almost letting me sleep in the garbage SNSGEJDHX
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two beers in and actually for real irl sobbing about kim and the kineema its just like. kim cares so much about this damn car. but truly he cares so much about all the possessions he keeps, about machines in general, these finely tuned objects that can do so so much for humanity but rarely get recognized for it. do you think he empathizes with them? engines made to live and breathe revachol? he’d never admit it out loud how much he loves them, and especially not how much he hopes they love him back, but they do!!! he cares so deeply, takes such careful, meticulous care of the things he loves. maybe he loves them because they can’t tell him that they love him back. but then harry comes along, this strange, impossible man who talks to walls and ties and tells kim his kineema loves him. isn’t it the exact thing kim won’t let himself believe, because it’s too indulgent, too far fetched? that something he loves could love him? that the objects he cares for, that he puts so much effort into maintaining, could thank him for it?
#kim kitsuragi#disco elysium#yeah you know what i WILL tag this!! fuck it!!!!#i’m gonna lose it i don’t know if this makes sense i just. AUGHH. AUGHHHHHHHH#HE LOVES THAT DAMN CARRRRRRRRRR#alsp everyone read theoxenia by clumsycrow on ao3 RIGHT NOW#that didnt necessarily prompt this post but it sure did implant some thouhgts about kim and the way he interacts with objects in his life#in my mind that will be there forever and ever.#im so fucking emo about this theres absolutely feelings i have abot this that i have not figrued out how to articulate but i just. AUGH.#n talks
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I Know kim and harry literally index the case using the date 08/03 suggesting this is the date of day 1 however ruby's diary entry says M's peone is coming to martinaise to investigate on the Ninth (and besides, it doesnt fit with the date of death being the fourth and that the corpse has been hanging for seven days as of day 1). might the index just use eg the date the corpse was reported to the rcm rather than the date assigned officers actually make it to the scene
#in which case day 1 is on the eleventh right...#lely was murdered (4th) -> cuno threw rocks at the corpse for a few days before klaasje decided to call it in (8th) ->#harry arrived in martinaise (a few hours later on the 8th?) -> harry has a three day long bender and wakes up the morning of the 11th#that being said ruby's diary entry about being holed up 'here' (taking this to mean the fisher shack) is from the 12th#so maybe klaasje called it in say 11pm on the 8th and the dispatched harry the morning of the 9th#plus the three day bender would have the kineema waking up harry and scaring away ruby to the feld building on the 12th#I Sure Feel like this is something that should be very simple that im just not understanding bc im tired#or maybe it was obvious to everyone else this whole time. not sure!#gemitus#disco elysium#maintagging yeah sowwy 👍#i think the fact that he was killed at night probably adds some rounding to the mix here
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Chester my boy chester
#disco elysium#chester mclaine#scribbling#im feeling not great today so im just doodling#i miss him. i need to finish my mack->chester < – > jean -> harry fic and post it#i think i might make it long but that requires a lot more planning#at the moment i think i just have a collection of scenes and a very loose idea of how to link them#my original plan was to kill off harry but i told this to people and they went NOOO!!! so I'm rethinking things asdhfkfjl#very funny#anyway my fic is mostly about severely misplaced yearning#sorry 4 the essay in the tags
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actually i do want to make this a post. it’s so interesting to think about harry from other people’s perspectives, especially if they’re people who were around him before martinaise. because the thing about harry is: he’s a spectacle. there is not a single person left to him who genuinely *cares*. but there are people who take an interest for interest’s sake. harry is the car crash that people can’t look away from, and it’s such a rich lens to view him through.
let’s exclude jean, judit and trant because there’s already enough you can say about them as the sole remaining members of the major crimes unit. think of the other officers who worked at the 41st. whether they worked in c-wing with him or not, they were exposed to him. they had to be around him in some capacity. as a lieutenant, he was “responsible” (i use that term loosely) for overseeing a number of subordinates under the rank system.
like put yourself in the shoes of a patrol officer at the 41st. you know harry as, in a word, unstable. a deeply unreliable man of extremes with alarmingly few personal attachments to keep him in check. he’s also practically untouchable as long as he keeps getting results, which he does, at a cost. so there’s never any point in formally complaining about him- he’s never going to be corrected or fired, so you just do one of the following: 1) keep your mouth shut (if you’re polite or playing it safe), 2) only bitch about him out of earshot (if you’ve got something to say but you’re nonconfrontational), 3) start shit with him but in a “playful” way that is secretly sincere (if you’re ballsy/have known him long enough), 4) or start shit with him for real (if you’re jean, or have a death wish).
and the thing about the last two of those options- *especially the 3rd, which seems to be the favorite of his fellow C-wingers*- you have to know him VERY WELL to pull it off without ostensibly getting your nose broken (or worse). you have to know his moods and his triggers and what exact cocktail of bullshit he’s displaying that day so you know where the line is for this particular shift. whoever figures it out first passes it along to everyone else- hey, you can fuck with him about dating today, but don’t bring up the drinking or last week’s case or he’ll go ballistic. and it’s just like... he’s a specimen. you may not know him on a personal heart-to-heart level, but you know him the way a zookeeper knows their tigers, or the way the falconer knows their hawk. you know when to feed and when to back away with your arms up. it doesn’t make things better, but it stops them getting worse. (for you, anyway).
then martinaise happens and if he comes back- his instability is still there, but it’s not the same. you don’t recognize the way he’s acting. maybe some things are not as bad as before, but all of it is different and it’s impossible to get a read on it. you have no idea how to approach him now, or if you should approach him at all. there’s a new layer to his unreliability and it’s somehow even scarier than before. there’s a tiny tiny calm in his storm, finally, and you don’t know when it’s going to break or what’s going to break it. you hear he’s finally actually kicking the booze and maybe you just scoff and move on, or maybe you let yourself root for him. really it all depends on how long you’ve known him, how many times you’ve seen him *try*. how sympathetic you are to his conditions and how patient of a person you are. how many times he’s hurt you (because that number is rarely going to be zero). no matter what, you’re going to be left wondering. you don’t know how much of him is gone. you don’t know how much is going to come back. you’re not sure how much of each you *want*.
#disco elysium meta#harry du bois#disco elysium#sorry i just think it's so interesting. thinking about the people who watch him come back#you've lost the only little bit of predictability to this man. also this is isn't the same guy even though it is#you don't know how to feel about that. maybe you have the privilege of being distant enough not to care#in a way it's like harry is mr. superstar out of necessity#people engage with him the way they engage with celebrities#they want the entertainment and all the bloody gory details. but interest only extends as far as morbid curiosity#it's an artificial ego inflation as a last ditch effort to stave off the self loathing and the knowledge that no one *gives a shit*#maybe if he pretends he wants to be a display-only item then he'll start to believe it#he's just so deeply convinced that the things people hate about him are his inherent traits that he can't change#and not. you know. his abusive manipulative behavior.#at least before martinaise he had NO self awareness of the fact that he was just actively making people leave#as a self defense measure#he convinced himself that his own shitty coping mechanisms were a way in which he was a victim#instead of the self-inflicted feedback loop they actually were#sorry. im insane i know. but im right#kiwipost#hdb meta
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The Name My Parents Gave Me
words: 2330
summary:
"No."
"No?"
"It's Kim. End of discussion."
Your husband has the audacity to scoff. Stubborn oaf. "You tell me that we need to work together on this decision and come to an agreement, until I have my objections. We can't keep belaboring this point-"
"I am not, you are ." The words are laced with steel, you need them to be - punctuating the sentence with the tilt of your head and the quirk of your brow. You are unflappable, you will match his stubbornness tenfold while digging your heels into the floor for as long as it takes for your husband to stop fucking arguing for once and –
Kim chooses to kick your bladder now.
ao3 link
i said after drawing kim's parents that there was more i wanted to write about them. and then i did! and then went back and re-edited until i liked it better so here we are.
#disco elysium#kim kitsuragi#catalina writes#i have like. pages more of notes and thoughts here and there about them that i might do more with#but im also very self conscious abt this one i feel still a little out of my depth#title was inspired by an old vlog i watched on youtube from a filipino trans guy#who talked about how he had to use his deadname as an uber driver and when asked about it would just simply say#'its the name my parents gave me.' and thats stuck with me ever since. feels appropriate for kim#kitsuragi posting
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if i ever were to write anything for my robot hdb au the chapter in which harry finally gets a dick would be called "have you tried turning it on and off again?" and it would be a constant trial and error, it would end on the successful attempt but on a cliffhanger also
#my posts#and for organization#disco elysium#robot hdb au#harrykim#bc i went at it in the tags lmao but also robot hdb au is nothing without kim tbh thats how it started. anyways#i mean. im not really a writer. i havent properly attempted it in a decade and if i tried id do it in english and its a bit.. scary lmao#but. itd have to be like that. id get silly with it#i dont even have his design to even consider it either lmao but.#like. to be silly for a moment. imagine it like... that gif of shape of water when shes signing about the monsters dick#at first itd get stuck#then theyd notice itd need work for it to like be both sensitive but not overheat and short circuit harry#... and not shock kim also sjfshu#it seems like its working once. some touches. theyre having a good time. but#'eh...' / 'everything okay harry?' / '..... i cant feel anything anymore' / '..... alright up on the work table you go'#the closer they get to figure it out the more annoyed kim is at having to do his actual job to get money#and not being able to do fulltime on his robot boyfriends dick#the last one? it gets out. its sensitive. it seems like its not overheating him. but it does a spark. they are worried something got ruined#but they touch again. its good. its happening for a few moments and nothing goes wrong#and once it seems theyre about to actually get into it id end the chapter (?#.... also how the fuck would you program a robots orgasm.#........ wait. it could be manual it could be a specific button or something lmao#also im talking about robot dick bc i think thats easier than the other way around but who knows! theyre switchs in my heart#... or vers. i struggle to remember which is for passive/active and which is for sub/dom. you know what i mean. i also mean it for both#... anyways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#having a normal one today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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#disco elysium#harry du bois#thought I'd share my playlist I finally ordered it the way I want#it sort of tells a story but not perfectly#my tastes are either very good or very confusing. I need validation#the sea power songs are obligatory of course#in my universe ostentatious orchestrations is electric light orchestra not ABBA. i feel this strongly#my favorite choice is probably You Win Again which you'd think is about a creepy obsessive love for Dora#but to me it's ALSO about a creepy obsessive love for Kim <3#I have literally mapped every line of that song to one of harry's skills. im fucked up#the kindest song on here might be vienna teng Level Up. its me petting harry very tenderly on the head#or maybe volition or maybe kim or maybe both
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was doing another playthrough of disco elysium with a friend who’s never played it, and apparently when i was talking about how the more shit i learn about harry the more i want to wrap him in a blanket i started stroking his hair with my cursor :[
#wet fart.txt#i only noticed after he told me LMAO#i have very complex feeling about this fictional man but jesus........... i want to give him some gatorade and an early retirement#disco elysium#i dont really want to put this in the main tags but im not positive just mentioning it in the body of the post is enough for a blacklist#to work from
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YOU — “No. There is still a chance.”
DOLORES DEI — “You think so?” Her voice is weary.
EMPATHY — Everything about her is weary. She is the Innocence of weariness, of heroically borne suffering.
CONCEPTUALIZATION — That is the picture you have painted for yourself, at any rate.
YOU — “You looked back. That’s the memory, the moment, that I can’t stop returning to. You looked back. I had a chance, for just that moment…”
DOLORES DEI — She meets your eye, gaze still forever cast back over her shoulder. Time stops. The stars are stilled, the ocean silent. There is *nothing* beyond this memory. Nothing at all. All of infinity is contained in this single moment when anything and everything was possible.
“Oh, Harry…” She sighs, soft as eiderdown. “We never had any chance.”
And just like that, the wave of time collapses under its own weight, obliterating everything. This moment was six years ago. She is gone from here. Gone, gone…
PAIN THRESHOLD — You cannot leave. There was nothing outside of this moment, and now there is nothing at all. It’s all gone. There is no point. I’m sorry. I can’t do this any longer.
VOLITION — Please, don’t say that…
“Okay. Well, fuck me, then.”
“How would *you* know?! You gave up! You didn’t even try!”
“We *must* have had a chance, at some point… Doesn’t everyone get a chance, if nothing more?”
“How could you say that…?”
DOLORES DEI — “Because it’s true,” she says, matter-of-fact. “There is no moment in time that you can turn back to, no branching paths, no infinity. There is only what happened. I looked back… and then away.” She closes her eyes, turning her back to you.
“The moment ended. *We* ended. That is all.”
SHIVERS — A wave crashes against an unseen shore, ocean spray tickling the back of your neck. You shiver, but no one shivers with you. You are alone in this intersection. Why are you here?
“Why can’t *I* end?! Why can’t this all just stop? Please, make it stop…”
“Ended? I’ve barely even started! I got a chance to start completely over as somebody new! I don’t need you anymore! You’re just dead weight to me now.”
“No. That wasn’t the real ending. We’re a part of something so much bigger than this intersection, telling a story that encapsulates all of history! There’s *more* to this, it *means* something.”
“Then… What am I supposed to do now…?”
DOLORES DEI — “No, Harry.” She turns back to you again now, and she looks… sad.
“We were not metaphors. We were people. Our narrative was not intelligently designed. It simply followed the patterns of history, because those are the only patterns we *know.* We tried to create something new, but we failed. There is no narrative reward for our failure, no satisfactory ending. There is only the immutable past and the unknowable future.”
RHETORIC — There is no assurance of what is good or deserved or what may bring relief. There is no assurance of punishment, either. There is no assurance of anything. Not even of a future. I don’t know what to say to make this bearable.
VOLITION — Even so… As long as you live, *something* is promised. Can you live with that?
I can’t, I just can’t do this anymore…
I can. It’s enough.
I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I can at least try for a little longer…
VOLITION — That’s all I ask. That’s enough.
#disco elysium#harry du bois#dolores dei#suicide tw#ummmmm haha *twirls hair*#sorry this isn’t more of the dolores saga im really trying to get back into the swing of things 😭#this is smth that won’t make it into the saga but that i was thinking about nonetheless#im not too fond of the whole ‘’dora is literally dolores dei’’ thing tbh#i feel that the mundanity is what makes their story impactful#and also just. makes it feel like somebody is kinda going overboard on projecting onto their proxy ex. lmao 😭#idk like the metaphor gets a little TOO metaphorical for me. but that’s just my onion. im an rgu fan so who am i to judge#anyway this is more my take on the harry/dora story#which is that dora was Just Some Guy and ultimately we have to live w the fact that we’ll never get the full story#because she literally exited the narrative#we can speculate about what her and harry’s relationship was like and how much of the blame is on each of them#dora’s lack of class consciousness vs harry’s violent misogyny etc etc#and like. it’s not that there’s no value in examining those things bc there definitely is value in it#in examining what patterns you DO see repeating in your life and in the world around you#that is what politics is really… examining the system and all its moving parts#but ultimately the past is immutable… our perception of it changes as we gain new context and understanding but what’s past is past#and there is no way of knowing with any certainty what the future holds#that’s where the overlap of all of these political and personal conflicts is for me#and why it comes back to harry questioning whether it’s worth it to even live#it’s about whether or not you can live with the grief of the past and the uncertainty of the future#i want to learn to live with it… to work toward building a future that i want to live in#anyway. coughs
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I just finished my first playthrough of disco elysium and. Woof. Y’all are right this was the best game ever made. I need to like. Hmmmmmmmmm for a while
#disco elysium#I have so many thoughts and feelings#Im even madder about the za/um thing now bc#damn#they need to be in control of the disco elysium universe no one else should be leading the charge#much less shady investors that want to make the game more palateable
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Fucking love Tumblr for not showing the date of posts. I have no shame liking art or text posts that could be from 2008 but I'm just... blissfully unaware.
#ancient#greatest thing about this platform#i dont feel incredibly anxious interacting with potentially old content!#like on insta or twitter if i see a post posted more than a month ago#im having an active discussion in my head (Disco Elysium style) if its worth to make a fool out of my self to like an post#like i know its dumb but anxiety is dumb so#idk im just oddly appreciative of this app's choice to just#all posts just exist. they were not created as much as they born outside of my recollection#anyway rambling over lol#fellowfights
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#avpswjy#going insane tonight#ive been anxious all day and decided to use wtnv and kr0 to cure that and like#it worked for the most part#but also im sooo unwell#they both feel the same. to me.#they are not the same. but they make me feel the same way#the little i have seen of disco elysium made me unwell in a similar way#i dont know how to express it#it's just the tragedy and beauty of life i guess#not even a particularly unusual or glamorous life. just life#and even with all the weirdness in these stories it's the ordinariness of the people involved that really get you#its all about living in one way or another
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