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#im gonna cry if i think about this too much but know that i love this man with my entire heart and soul 🥹😭
imustbenuts · 2 days
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im free from yakuza kiwami 2. fuck the writing in this one. this was a complete mess of pulling from the most popular generic east asian drama tropes at the time of 2006 and having it be handled by a super inexperienced writer at the helm.
i went from having no expectations, got somewhat surprised, only to end up downing alcohol and laughing hysterically before the credits rolled. so that should set the mood for how i feel about this one. thought vomit under the cut, a lot of info dump about culture incoming
yakuza kiwami 2 is pure heterosexual east asian romance bullshit.
im gonna just. describe as best as i can what i know and remember from the general media coming out from the 90s to the 2010s in around this part of the world before i just start explaining why i think this story is a mess.
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so. 2 parts i swear is responsible for this rubbish.
1) East Asian Beauty Standard
the general consensus for a beautiful feminine woman AT THE TIME in this sphere is the following
be willowy thin (fat = lazy and ugly)
have black hair that ISNT short (dyed = too much individuality, too much WESTERN INDIVIDUALISM, gasp how dare!)
fair skinned (bc dark = she works in the fields and is from a lower class)
young. if you heard of the term "Christmas Cake" in japan context, yeah. (ie women over age of 25 are undesirable)
be educated and refined, bc that indicates class and femininity (failing this means shes vulgar and gasp like a barbarian)
be submissive to her male peers in the sense that her authority cannot override his at least in public (for the sake of his face)
dresses feminine and not like a man (trousers and jeans are man-ish. traditional clothing, skirts and dresses are preferred. the further back the stronger this sentiment is.)
incidentally, theres a lot of classism tied to this EABS due to sinocentric culture influences. it has to do with the chinese court system and how korea and japan copied it and a lot of the culture wholesale but. anyway. thats like over 1000 years of history in there thats not really worth detouring to rn.
and also, the worth of a man is sometimes (not always) upheld by how classy and feminine this wife of his is. as of 2024 though, this line of thought is still around in the more conservative pockets. also, the education might not matter as much these days as how deep her and her parents' pockets and wealth are.
moving on.
2) media tropes
so. off the top of my head.
if you wanted a popular romance drama in this time period, the popular offerings no matter where you looked tended to offer the same flavors of tropes.
the woman always has dark hair, is fair skinned, thin and younger than her male love interest. ive never seen this broken or subverted in my time absorbing via osmosis the dramas playing on local tv growing up in the early 2000s.
everything else about her can be subverted though. sometimes she can wear fancy pants or have short hair to indicate her strong individualism. BUT, her personality no matter how strong it begins, no matter how her intro begins will 99% of the time encounter an effect where catching feelings turns her into a meek loyal woman to her love interest.
bc she cant override his authority in this culture context.
at worst, she becomes highly irrational and even hysterical in the dramas when bad things happen. this includes things like love triangle, or a fallout of family business, drama, plot or whatever. she would cry and sometimes even die.
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see: sawamura yumi. sayama kaoru.
meanwhile, the male love interest can be anything. ive seen middle aged guys to young good looking upcoming actors playing the lead, with looks varying from haggardly okay to young and handsome. it. really depends on the genre.
depending on what specific country it came from, the drama would have the male either grow, become manlier (by learning honor ig), become stupid in the name of love, but he rarely if ever actually dies. the woman effectively becomes yoshi for mario to lauch off on when they're crossing a chasm
the romance is forced. a lot of the BIG LOVE SPARK ie kissing happens in tense moments bc it builds drama, but in reality comes too fucking close to sexual assault (some of the old jackie chan movies does this iirc for slapstick even)
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see: sayama getting kissed right after handling her biological father's ashes less than 24 hours ago and admitting to kiryu that shes scared. this scene right fucking here.
bc in general, the scriptwriters for popular dramas tended to be guys themselves and tended to write more human dudes. and the women in the stories are reflective of the ideal societal expectation at the time: being a Refined Housewife.
so her character development is often headed in the direction of marriage and being a stay at home mom.
if it sounds a little like tradwife bullshit, it is.
Refined Housewife
(i have massive negative thoughts about this which i KNOW for a fact is a thing bc a lot of these societal culture femininity was impressed on me as a kid in a world where it was already getting increasingly impossible to have 1 spouse be a SAHP. and also i hated the whole thing about giving face to the patriarch of the house when i personally saw so much ego dick measuring from my uncles. anyway understand that this is both a bias an a lived experience, so proceed with that in mind)
there is a problem with the Refined Housewife expectation: education.
in general, education has been a good metric to judge how classy or smart one is in asia's largely on-the-surface meritocracy based culture. people will look at each other's school first and then judge them from there, and pretty hard too.
so everyone regardless of gender will be expected to study super hard. and bc having good test scores and going to good schools looks good for the family's face, parents will often pile on tuition to the child to get them a leg up in life.
bc also no good degree from good school means no future.
but then... the woman is expected to be a housewife. 🙃 meaning... the education, her accomplishments, are kinda... tossed away in this context. put a pin in this.
it wont matter how much she studied or accomplished, bc the expectation is that the woman would marry and obey her husband, and give him face/honor that way. the kids will come eventually bc having kids = being filial to ones parents in this context.
also uh. no, having adopted kids is not thought of as being filial. continuing the bloodline is.
and if you've been paying attention, then yes, ive been skirting around the backbone of sayama kaoru's writing foundations this entire time.
Her story has been butchered so clumsily i cant even...
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lets just. ugh.
she fits the EABS standard, her tropes are trying to subvert the expectations of a womanly woman in this context, she has IMPRESSIVE education and career achievements. she works in a male dominated field, and is keenly aware of sexism. she is strong, stronger than her male peers, at least we are told.
by 2006s standards, its still considered a fresh take with those alone in japan. sexism there is its own flavor of crap. (if you noticed ive not spoken about LGBTQ+ stuff at all, its bc how ridiculously BINARY the expectation is at that point in time. it still is today but less so)
however, the writing has this sense of trying to copy the popular tropes at the time while not fully understanding and dissecting them, and ends up butchering sayama's character before the romance even properly began.
i mean, for fucks sake even, sayama and kiryu has a whopping 14 year age gap. when im told these are supposed to be believable people living in japan, this is too big for me to just go 'oh ok!'. and remember the Christmas Cake thing? shes 25. (FUCKING--!!!! !!)
the problem here that i see is the writer trying to apply all of those while trying to play the tropes straight. trying to imitate. trying to make a statement but then finding out theres nothing within yourself to stand by what you want to say and backtracking.
we are told:
sayama is strong yet she goes down with 1 slap by random thugs and needing kiryu to come in and body them. because romance ig.
we are told shes a yakuza hunter but she doesnt scare a single one beyond her introductory scene.
she goes from defiant and bossing kiryu around to getting her actions overridden by kiryu and ryuji, both men, towards the end
her subtext is that shes not feminine and therefore conventionally undesirable, but then kiryu tells her shes actually feminine and therefore desired, as if its all that matters.
she becomes so stricken by grief and freaked out that she runs off solo to deal with ryuji in the most out of left pocket planning ive ever fucking seen.
and then yells as she takes out her police baton to take down the big yakuza dude, drawing attention and turning herself into a hostage.
i know the writing will fumble but i didnt expect it to fumble this bad.
for all the good the surface chemistry kiryu and sayama has, its being undermined by a fundamental failure to understand tropes and then using said tropes as a crutch so much that everything here has become a bloody mess.
this failure of over-relying on tropes without understanding them extends to yumi too. sawamura yumi was young and beautiful, and became the Refined Housewife to the Not-Male-MC and ends up regretting it, and gets killed for it.
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her defining trait is that she is beautiful in subtext. thats. thats what the tattoo is. in a world where the tattoo makeths the person, thats what she is and all that she is.
dear lord.
ive read up a bit more on sayama and you know what. good that she chooses her career over kiryu. the romance would have caused both of their characters to explode with the trajectory this was heading in. ffs sayama could have had her own game. she has so MUCH potential.
and also GOOD that the writer is forced to think of kiryu in the position of the Stay At Home Parent for haruka and the orphanage down the line!!! subverting the fucking traditional BS expectation! yes!!!!!
all i got was sayama and kiryu making out before the bomb went off in front of my alcohol and salad while they're like 'eh, haruka will forgive us for dying :')'
and i ran out of alcohol.
sexism? maybe. incompetence? definitely.
hhgrhgrhrghrghrgrhgr wow this got long. ugh. guhhhhhh.
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[<==PREV PAGES] [NEXT PAGE==>(not out yet.wait a year.or maybe more.imagine.]
saw alot of comments on prev pages; saying 'i HATE that mean teacher! im gonna FIGHT HIM!!' & i LOVE the energy!! it WOULD be nice. to have that catharsis. but the story of young tidestrider is Not one of catharsis. it is a story of being so small and so special and sucking so bad.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#GONNA START FORMATTING MY COMICS BETTER. W THE PROPER 'PREV' 'NEXT' LINKS#REALLY DIDNT EXPECT TO CONTINUE THIS SERIES BUT AAAUUUHH MY BRRAAAIN MY BRAIN IS SO IDEASSS. I HAVE 3 OTHER PAGES SKETCHED OUT#NO PROMISES ILL FINISH EM ANY TIME SOON OR EVER. MY WHIMS ARE THEIR OWN BEAST AND I ONLY DRAW ON MY WHIMS#THAT BEING SAID IF U COMMISSIONED ME ILL GEEETT TO YOUUU IM SORRYYYY. ART IS AN EMOTIONAL RELEASE FOR ME N BABY I HAVE EMOTIONS.#ESPECIALLY ABOUT GILLION TIDESTRIDER CHAMPION OF THE UNDERSEA HERO OF THE DEEP.for the desc here i put smth that i typed up in the tags of#another thing i made. i gotta make a proper Baby Gillion tag or smth. eventually.. eventually...I LOVE DRAWIN THIS LIL BABY GUY..#i also LOVE depicting the teachers as just being so fuckin mean. ofc theres variation in that. just like in all things.like the teacher her#idk if itll be mentioned but the octo lady is named Ms Octburn.an octopus pun based off the name of an actual councilor i had#when i was in elementary school i got bullied alot but teachers never did anything. i hated adults and didnt trust them.#but this councilor o mine was so genuinely sweet. i remember spending alot of time w her. she doesnt work there anymore.#but that one school adult that actually earns ur trust and is there for you when they can be.its SO important for a child i think#i hope she knows how much she helped me.youll see in the next page that ms octburn isnt perfect either.but she tries. they all try.somehow.#ALL these comics are gonna be inspired by somesorta experience o mine in the school system. school is so fucked up u ever thing abt that#AND GILLIOOOOONNN IN THE MOST FUCKED UP LITTLE SCHOOL OF ALL. MAINTAINED BY A CULT. CENTERED AROUND HIM. OUR CHOSEN ONE#I IMAGINE ALOT BANKS ON HIS SUCCESS. THIS IS THE WORLD. THE WHOLE WORLD. THE PROPHECY IS GOING TO COME TRUE N UR TELLIN ME#THAT ITS THIS LITTLE IDIOT THATS GONNA BE SAVING US? WHAT IF HE FAILS. IF HE CANT GET THIS RIGHT THEN HE WILL FAIL AND WE WILL DIE#WE NEED TO TRAIN HIM. WE NEED HIM TO LEARN. AND TO SUCCEED. OR ELSE WE'RE DEAD. WE'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD. I IMAGINE THAT MUST BE STRESSFUL#in other news i hope ppl actually giggle when they read these. they ARE intended to be comical. dark humor or whatever. like its also sad#this is intended to be a sad comic series. but a funny one too. does that make sense? god i hope so.saw some1 say they had flashbacks-#-reading this. like YES!! THE INTENDED EFFECT!! YOU GET ME!! i love seeing ppl get upset on this lil baby boys behalf. i LOVE seeing ppl-#-wail n weep n cry in the comments. i LOOOVE seeing ppl RELATE to baby gillion. and i love letting u all know that this wont be a happycomi#gillion gets his happiness arc in the actual show. this series is one of unfortunate events. teehehehe. do u guys remember that show#i keep listening to the lil songs from A Series of Unfortunate Events for inspiration. GOOD STUFF!!#anyway uuhh uhh thats all i got in my brain. for now. feed me ur comments give me ur input i NNEEEEEDD THHEEEMMMM
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saeshiraw · 8 months
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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hecksupremechips · 12 days
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Actually cry so goddamn hard when I think about Shinjiro Aragaki healing and being loved and having to learn to be okay with himself and being taken care of
#writing him has just been like. OOOOWOEOEOEOOE i piss tears i cant handle this shit this gay ass shit#i came up with an idea for just like a cute short one shot i wanna do soon and hnnnghh im so emo about it#very healing its like very hard to write some of the shit im gonna be writing cuz basically#some of it is just a little too real man and while i crave the angst and the drama i am just like#AND THEN EVERYONE HOLDS HANDS AND ITS OKAY PLEASE DONT CRY PLEASE#and ive mentioned how shinji has accidentally become nb to me now because i just kinda happened to write him that way without meaning to#and now another thing im noticing is that in my fic hes kinda bpd coded#it definitely wasnt intentional but now im accepting it as truth no one can stop me#i just really need him to be happy its more important to me than anything else man i need it for me#and he needs to be gay with aki they need to kissy and i think its funny cuz even in the parts where shinji is mad at aki and pushing him#away its like. he kinda has it bad lol and its clear he feels no actual hatred towards aki but more just self deprecation because he doesnt#feel good enough and like idk i just think about their respective roles in society like#aki is an honor student star boxer hero very attractive very kind very popular got adopted by a rich family#hes going places you know meanwhile shinji is a drop out who never had a family ever hes homeless hes sketchy hes on drugs#his reputation couldnt be any worse and he just leans into it and feels he has no future and hes worthless garbage#and aki could literally have anyone he wants you know he has an army of girls pining over him but he doesnt want them#HE WANTS SHINJI AND NO ONE ELSE HE SPENDS YEARS CHASING AFTER HIM#and shinji HATES it hes trying so hard to push him away and be the crusty delinquent and make aki see how worthless he really is#but aki just doesnt stop he loves him so much makes me sick SICK#and shinji really loves him back hes like not gonna shut up ever about aki hes like either doing it in a gay ass annoyed way#or hes like ‘haha omg aki is so cute though hes always trying so hard to be tough but hes just so sweet and gentle you know i hope he#doesnt push himself too hard if he got hurt id fall apart hes so silly i hope hes eating good i desire him carnally’#yeah sorry gamers this is just a pairing i cant be normal about they mean so much to me personally the fate of the world rests upon them
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orcelito · 11 months
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Another morning another day
I've been thinking a lot about going to the animal shelter
#speculation nation#there r many cats there and i have an aching spot available for one#passively thinking about getting a kitten. just bc id enjoy getting to raise a cat for once#and i think tally would be a good big sister given how much she groomed cassy#at the same time tho i wanna adopt a cat that might not otherwise be adopted so quickly. aka an adult cat#& also like with tally. i very purposefully picked out the loud black cat bc everyone was passing her up#but she was YELLINGGG at me from the cage. and i was like 'oh alright' and took her home#and now shes my sweet darling girl. she just needed like a year to chill out so she is no longer a chaos demon lmao#it's also hard to know what youre getting with a kitten. and it's a lot of resposibility. so like. idk.#but also. Kitten Cute... 🥺#i'll have to see what they have when i go there. still not happening for at least a few more days.#it feels too soon rn. but im thinking about this all to cope lol. i hate having only one cat.#i keep wanting to go out to greet Cat Number 2 in the living room. but. nope. so i go back to greet tally on my bed#she's a loving cat but she does Not like to be smothered. and im kind of smothering her lmao#that's another reason to get a 2nd cat. yes i want tally to have company when im gone at work#but also i need a second cat that is very affectionate bc I Want My Hugs And Kisses Dammit#idk when im getting his ashes back. probably somewhat soon. id estimate tomorrow? they were rly quick with sammy's#idk what im gonna do if they call while im at work lol. cry probably.#tho i havent cried in almost a full day!! been like 22 hours. i have been Trying to cope. mixed results.#ah well. c'est la vie and all that shit.#animal death ment/
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lockawayknight · 1 year
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[|87
#been burdening my friends and partner too much with bitching about life but talking abt it makes me feel better so. i’m here.#new job is awful. but in a weird way.#i’m learning things and love my coworkers and the location and clients and work itself#but my boss is. my god.#it’s a little local place owned by one woman operated from inside her extra home on her property#she runs everything#and she is nice but she is??? loud ig. abusively loud#she screams and cusses and berates and belittles everyone and like#they all think it’s silly. it’s just her personality. they laugh or shrug it off. it’s just how she is. but i can’t do it#every day i tear up or cry on the way home cus she raises her voice at me or i hear her cussing and screaming in the back about like#me fucking up. over silly things. like i took a message for her but didnt say it was urgent.#then i hear her in the back HOW COULD SHE FUCK UP LIKE THIS SHE SHOULD KNOW THIS SHIT THIS IS SUCH SIMPLE SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH HER#and i just cant handle it man!!!#and she is so nice and supportive and texts me almost every night to ask how i am and if i’m okay#and like fuck dude i guess?????? but im also!!!!! not!!!!!!!!#my partner and mom both said i should quit and i think im. gonna.#the other place that wanted me is still hiring. i’m gonna talk to them monday and see if i can take that job still#but fuck dude. i dont wanna tell my boss im leaving. i dont think she’ll blow up but if she does?????#idk#i just hate that things aren’t getting better. i dunno. i just wanna cry and sleep all day#hopefully i get the other job and my boss understands. we’ll see.#thanks for reading
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cometrose · 1 year
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i think zhongli and xiao is my favorite relationship in genshin. like i love their interactions and i love their story like no matter what i want them to stay together, like please don't die separately like no matter what chaos or peace ensure please just stay together your both people who have suffered for a long time and deserve to be happy
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sharkdays · 10 months
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i love pokemon
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cominy-kiwami · 1 year
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im continuously getting really sad remembering when i was reading harrys ledger and one of the dialogue options at one point was "Fucking kill yourself you asshole."
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witchwhaat · 1 year
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jung haein does his pouty face with big sad eyes and my heart breaks
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stinkrascal · 2 years
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i hate my upstairs neighbors actually. why do they feel the need to host a wwe wrestling match directly above my bedroom every day at 2pm
#i know its my fault i went to bed at 5am and im now miserably trying to catch up on my sleep#but literally Why do they feel the need to jump around so much???? bro pick a spot and sit what the fuck stop STOMPING#im so tired and im the lightest sleeper ever so every movement they make i hear it and immediately wake up >:(#when our lease is up in march we’re gonna move into a townhouse/maybe a trailer so it’s quieter#and i’m so excited about that. i hate having upstairs neighbors#in other news! we put in our application for a cat at a local shelter yesterday 🥺#his name is little turkey! (that’s not the name we’re giving him since we already have one picked out but the shelter named him that lol)#he’s a little grey cat and he looks so silly and loving 🥺🥺 i really hope they accept our application#i want a cat sooooooo bad#when we finally have our little furry friend i will cry so hard you guys 😭 this is all i’ve wanted for so long#a few days ago i was crying to my boyfriend about how i have no friends lol and then i was like#but if we got a cat at least they could be my friend 😭😭#i think i accidentally hastened the process of finding and adopting a cat bc i cried about it. which yk no complaints here#i need a friend :( especially a little fuzzy friend :((((#everyone say ty to mister stinkrascal for feeling bad for me and gifting me a cat lol#(he’s wanted one for a really long time too so it’s all good! we both love cats)#(i just think it’s funny that we’d kinda been sitting on it for a few weeks but then i cried and he immediately sent applications lol)
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woahajimes · 1 year
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i think im in big trouble
#i hate history so much#i think i once made a post about ''the reason i hate it is because i dont understand it but im getting there and economics is interesting#and politics is too i just hate it because i dont understand it'' bc i genuinely thought so. no i just hate it so fucking much#i have a presentation next week about a current event and i have to answer ''how does this affect canada'' and its gotta talk about either#economics or politics and i know NOTHING about that. literally 0. today this kid got humiliated because his current event was about a#school shooting recently and it was like social psychological soething and no econ/politics and i wanted to die#its gonna be me next week im actually going to cry i hate history guys like. i'd rather physics and thats saying SOMETHING. it also doesnt#help that my history teacher is like. bullshitting everything. he's so smart dont get me wrong. one of the most philosophical and smartest#men i've met but holy jesus fuck he can't teach. he can talk and talk and talk but he doesnt teach you how to get those conclusions and#actually apply them to like stuff. yeah i have to talk about the economy and shit but how do i do that. i can memorize thigns he says but#that's not understanding???? there's an alternate history teacher and im actually going to cry bc hes an actual teacher and he also likes#me very much. (he is literally paying for my physics tutoring...). anyyways that's that.#also at work i won an award for personnel with most customer 5/5 stars#like god i love my job#and today i might or might not have purposely flirted with a man so that he could do the survey that gives me 5/5#lol#produce guy is actually a robot i fear. either that or he genuinely doesn't like me because
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blitzgamev · 2 years
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I don't know anymore how many years I watched Techno and honestly it doesn't matter because I do know how much happyness he brought to me and others. I don't think there are many people who haven't heard of Technoblade or had anything negative to say about him and that just says so much about how good of a creator and person he was. From hypixel to mcm to dsmp he was always there make me laugh and even now he managed it with the merch, truely a one of a kind guy. Thank you for everything you put into the world Techno, I will miss you forever. So long blood god, may you rest in peace and make god hesitate.
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rewrentless · 2 years
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.
#its 2am i have work tomorrow time to be sad about my gender#ive been volunteering at this place a couple days a week for the past month and a half and i havent come out to them yet#i really fucking need to cause i cant stand it i hate being called she or girl if its not my family and i cant do anything about that yet#but its fucing scary theyre taking me on for placement and to hopefully hire me after what if they dont accept me or are shitty about it#i mean i literally told two of them that im gay and trans but i dont know if they were actually paying attention or not#and i told them that wren is my chosen name but not why#my therapist recommended emailing my manager and getting her to tell them but my mum is handling my emails to her and thats too awkward#i also really want to go on t cause im so sick of being misgendered by strangers especially when i think i look masc#like ive been thinking about for years but theres the fear of looking too masc or that itll be equally shitty to be misgendered as a man#also puttinh it off cause id need my mum to help me with the form cause its confusing and wordy#i just want to live as wren#i dont want to be living in the shadow of my deadname#i dont want to ever hear that name targeted towards me ever again but out of my family only my parents call me wren#cause my grandparents dont understand and i only ever see my aunts and cousins in their house so i cant be wren to them either#i absolutely love my grandparents so it fucks me up that i can only fully be myself after they die#even then one of my aunts is incredibly transphobic and i doubt the other is much better#love that this all started cause i was clearing out my wardrobe and got upset at how many of my shirts and dress emphasize my chest or hips#i never realise how much dysphoria i experience till i try my binder on once in a blue moon and nearly cry with euphoria#im gonna see if i can tell at least one of my coworkers my pronouns tomorrow
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