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ruvigapo · 2 years

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Another personal post today bc i feel like i just.. am better able to think when i know someone's listening.

Remember blog culture?? I'm channeling That right now 😂😂

It's occured to me lately all the ways on which my adhd really has inhibited my ability to draw, and i just wanted to write it all out in a bulletpoint format and go through them to see if i can't find a solution to some of them.

Boredom - i get bored doing the same thing for too long and will rarely finish something if it takes me more than a week to finish.

Computer runs on 4GB - My computer is, sadly, shit. Which means a lot if waiting and hassling to save files on external hard drives.

External validation - not unique to adhd but i've been told we react much more strongly to other people's opinions of us, which sounds about right. So if i don't feel other people enjoy what i make, or even one person doesn't, whose opinion i value, i lose motivation.

Going outside - drawing from life is something i enjoy but it's very hard for me to do, which has led to me feeling very stuck in a single mindset for a very long time even though i would like to get inspiration from other sources. The insp bank is just very empty.

Starting and stopping - it's just such a hassle to navigate hyperfocus. To an extent i know how to trigger it, work with it, make the most of it, etc. But it still just takes a Lot of energy to manage.

Back pain - having a hard time exercising and stretching regularly has made it so my back pain is stopping me from drawing even if i want to.

Too tired all the time - everything is much more exausting when u have adhd so even if i wanted to work on åersonal projects or whatever, the physical and emotional toll is just too high.

Probably not an exaustice list lbr but at leadt i have it.

So a few things are more existential in nature like: "what do i want to spend my limited time on this earth making?" "Why do i feel like what i am doing is not enough?" Etc. Etc. And probably can't be solved in one sitting.

A couple things can rly be aided by a better settup though so once i move in i'm going to need to start thinking about a better settup:

A better computer with a RAM that doesn't actively want me dead.

(And good screen placement to go w that, so im not actively murdering my neck).

(And a new tablet that's not 10yrs old and a safety hazard).

Established places for all my tools so i can work with minimal effort.

Smaller usb sticks labeled by year would be nice. Computer folders drive me mad.

An inspiration board (and planning board) would be nice. Being able to visually see all my projects in action at all times. Worth a try honestly.

Moving in and settling down will aid on a few fronts:

Generally not being constantly worried about moving in to a new appartment will be swell. Love that for future me.

Exercise will happen more regularly once i move in and am not constantly stressed. Also i'll live rly close to a gym so.. fingers crossed that solves That problem.

Going back to work will help with that.

Fingers crossed ill have energy for parkour again soon🤞🤞🤞

Genuinely no solution for the Too Tired problem. I'll likely just have to let myself rest once in a while even if it means giving up on exercise and drawing for a week or more at a time. Which is probably healthy lbr.

Which.. that leaves the three biggest issues (shocker).

Going outside would help with boredom but going outside is hard.

I think i'll have to invest in some better outdoorsy bags. Like those rly cool leather hip pouches. Those would be great. Just.. a way to easily carry equipment qith me so i can just draw when i feel like it and don't have to dig around a bag just find a pencil.

Like this lol. Big enough to fit an a5 sketch book bc that's my preffered size snd like.. one water colour set and a pen. Imagine that. I think that would be Swell. I don't need a bunch. Just enough that i can carry the essentials anywhere i go.

The dream.

Another reason to marry a leather worker.

And honestly like.. i think taking a break from fanart and social media and just going outside to draw and see the world.

I think that's what i need rn.

Then there's the issue of external validation, which isn't anyone's fault, it just kinda Is.

I figure quitting social media can help with that too. Sorry to say.

The rest is probably just processing what i want to do and stuff. Ya kno. The existential bits.

#muffin rambles #personal #im feeling anxioys and in s #i must fix everythng #mood #like #ik when i get like this best i can do is notice it #look it in the eye #and say smth like #thats okay #just breathe #itll be all right #long post

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saintkimora · 7 years

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anyways here is how my doctors appointments went

so first i went to my regular doctor. so i got there and it was sooooo busy and i was waiting forever then they finally took me. they took blood and they had me sitting in a chair instead of laying down which made me feel worse tbh but they didnt take as much as last time bc it was over much quicker. then the dr came in and i told him about my ear and he was like yeah that membrane looks funky so he sent me to an ear doctor. im gonna call tm to get my blood test results to know if i have mono or not

so i went to the ear doctor and since i havent been there in years i had to fill out the new patient forms which was really extra then the wait was SO long. then they finally called me in and the pa asked me the questions and stuff and said ok the dr will be w you shortly. i was sitting in that exam room for at least 25 minutes and i was PISSED bc i was really hungry at this point and my phone had really bad service at all of these doctors offices so i couldnt even do anything bc nothing would load

then my ear dr came in. first he looked at my throat then felt the bumps on my neck and he was like “yeah i can guarantee you have mono” then he looked at my ear and i apparently i have a big ear infection and a hole in some membrane in the ear. idk if its the eardrum or the tympanic membrane or what but my mom had one a few years ago and it was really troublesome so obv i was not happy

this is where the torture started. so first he put this tube in my ear and he started suctioning the fluid out of it. it didnt hurt but it was really loud obv since its a suctioning thing right in my ear and it was really upsetting like i was tearing up and squeezing the arms of the chair. he said he did it to drain the puss out of my ear so i was thankful for that i guess

now heres the really bad part. he had this long skinny tube w a light at the end and he was like “im just gonna stick this in your nose a little” so he did and he stuck it so DEEP i could feel the end of it in the back of my throat and he kept making me do various things like take deep breaths, make an eeeeeeeeeee sound and swallow. swallowing was the absolute worst bc it hurt to feel the tube in the back of my throat bc it felt like i was choking and like if this was quick it wouldnt have been THAT bad but he was looking around in there for so long i was definitely tearing up at this point too. it had nothing to do w my nose so im assuming he was looking for s/t related to mono

then he had me do a hearing test (with another long waiting period but not as long as the other ones) and i did poorly on it obv since the hearing in my right ear is like muffled

then he took me into his office to discuss my issues. so he said he called my regular dr and they agreed that i prob have mono in addition to my ear problems. he couldnt prescribe anything until the test results come back though so i have to wait til tm for that but when i do get it its gonna be like 4 pills a day rip

for my ear he prescribed eardrops to use and he said i could get those now but he lied bc my mom went to the pharmacy and the office didnt send over the prescription so i couldnt get them! and the office was closed by then and i didnt know what kind of eardrops they were so i couldnt get like a covering dr to prescribe them for me instead

also after the discussion he made the pa teach me how to use this nasal rinsing thing which seems really annoying to have to use every day

so then i went home w my dad and i was so pissed off at this point bc i thought it was gonna be quick! i thought my regular dr was gonna be like “yeah thats an ear infection ill prescribe you s/t rn and call tm for your test results” and that would be it but instead i had to go to an ear doctor which took so much time! in total i was there for like 3 hours and most of it was just waiting around

so yeah i was really upset bc it was dinner time now so i missed the opportunity to eat my sandwich for lunch so i was really in a mood as soon as i got home it was time to fight in my house and my mom was pissed too so we had a lot of drama

like one thing is she was like “this is why you have to TELL US when somethings wrong see you waited too long w your ear and now you have a rupture” and like i DID tell them! i told my parents the second i started having the pressure related ear problems and i didnt have the fluid problems until like 2am the night before my appointment so idk how much sooner i could have told them! so yeah i was pissed but then i had pizza for dinner then my parents and brother went to his science expo thing so i had some alone time to relax and i ate the sandwich i had prepared too so i was content by then

so yeah thats p much it. i mostly likely have mono which is whatever but at this point i just want these ear problems to go away bc those are whats really inconveniencing me rn. i have absolutely no idea where i could have gotten mono like idk if its from kissing (if it is it could be from yousaf, alex, OR tristan) or whether a worker w mono spit in my food when i had takeout (which i really hope is not the case) or like...idk! i dont really have much contact w people from the outside world bc i just stay in my house all day so its definitely a mystery

on the bright side the part w the nausea and vomiting seems to be over and ive like completely regained my appetite so thats good

#personal

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