#if im good and accomodating ppl wont get mad. they wont leave or hate me. i dont have to guess | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

soldier-poet-king · 10 months

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Actually let's be honest in addition to all my usual bullshit this is just astarion making me reckon with the fact that I don't know how to be A Real Person, how to relate and be close to people except to be helpful and accomodating, how to say no and not be a compulsive people pleaser out of fear of the repercussions and uncertainty if one is not placating at all times

Like yeah it's for different underlying reasons and I obvs make no claim to the specifics or the severity of that kind of situation & trauma but also. Like. I Get It, I'm not a Real Person either

#franposting #this is SO emo im sorry #but this has been troubling me for eons #far longer than the game. months and years #its something i mostly try to ignore and pretend isnt true #it's a hard thing to know about yourself #esp when its like. theres no way to fix it. its how you grew and were made and you don't know how else to be #its a compulsion and a safety net and a protection #even as it ruins you and turns you into a fake shadow person and not a real whole human being #i don't know how to say no or disagree #i only do that when im REALLY mad and then i get mean #and i end up getting in trouble or disparaged anyway #so its just so much easier and better to just not rock the boat #at least not on my own behalf #ill stick my neck out for others and big issues bc that's what im made for #but when its things that just affect me? ill just stuff all the badness inside of me and keep going #its easier and fewer people are hurt #and i dont know how to disagree without fear or crying anyway. its not worth the uncertainty #if im good and accomodating ppl wont get mad. they wont leave or hate me. i dont have to guess #this is fucked i know im fucked i just dont know anything else so this is how it has to be #its ok. ok. tattoo soon. i dont have control over much but at least my skin and body are mine. there's that. lots of ppl dont even have that #i should be grateful #that its just in my head and my heart

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