A win is a win, no matter how ugly it is.

[Caption: gifset comparing scenes in The Vampire Diaries and Netflix’s Wednesday. On the left, Bonnie tells Caroline in the pilot, somewhat condescending and comforting: “It’s not a competition, Caroline.” Caroline, still a bit tipsy, with her chin resting in her hands, suddenly looks up at her and replies, convinced, “Yeah, it is.” On the right, a saddened Morticia says “It’s not a competition, Wednesday.” Wednesday then looks down and replies “Everything is a competition, Mother.”]

Some of my HTP theories

(Mostly about future plotpoints) 1. Big D looking so young is a plot point and not just a reference to TTS. You probably get what I'm going to say so let's just do some math. We know Markus is at least 30. We'll lowball and say he's 32 since birthday remarks make it sound like it wasn't recent. We know Door is older than Markus. Boy is 11 (as of current) and if we Lowball door's age again (35, 3 year age gap which I doubt is correct) he could've had boy when he was around 24. Then if we assume D had Door in this early 20s, We'll say 20 exactly as another lowball. That would place D at bare minimum 55 years old. My actual estimate is somewhere between 60-70. Yet he has no notable greying hair (ignoring lighting highlights) and is built like a brick shithouse who's able to manhandle brock of all people. As such it makes logical sense to assume there's some fuckery going on with how D ages (or doesn't). I doubt D is a vampire- or was a vampire I saw that theory awhile ago on reddit. What I think is more likely is that he gained immortality through mage fuckery. There's a character in Dorohedoro who's an old man but he got hit by age reduction magic so he's stuck being physically like 14. I think D has something similar going on. 2. Door is going to leave the family. I was thinking of saying "Door will betray the family" but that doesn't really fit. D's biggest flaw is that he's too secretive. There's currently no evidence that he's even told the rest of the family about Kevin being alive. Markus has some inkling of it because of the cop but I doubt he's put anything together. We all of course know Kevin is genuinely on D's side now, but Kevin can't be kept a secret forever. Eventually his existence is going to come out and when it does, I can not foresee a future where Door is happy about it. Door was willing to forgive D's secrets because they were to protect the family. But if he finds out D has been keeping a vampire alive and as an ALLY no less I can see that trust crumble down. Door has of course made his opinions on vampires VERY clear. As such if he finds out about Kevin not from D but from another incident he's going to have to make a choice. -Either stick to his morals and leave the family to hunt vampires on his own (maybe taking boy with him). -Or accept that his entire worldview on vampires is flawed and some of them can be saved. 3. Grimal is the ghoul, But she won't die. This kind of ties into the previous one as well. I went over a good chunk of the evidence surrounding Grimal being the ghoul in another post. I'll quickly summarize it here; -Grimal is known to crawl through the vents -She was in the security room when Occam was attack and the only way to get into the vault is through the door or air vents. -If she has vampire magic it could explain why brock's knives all broke when he tried to use them. -She has attachments to the people at the arcanum so wouldn't want to kill them. Which is why Occam didn't die. There's of course more evidence but this is all just summary. Now my actual theory is that Grimal is going to be found out and either D, Markus, or Kitten will go up to bat for her and this is when D will reveal he has a way to deal with ghouls. We know from Kevin that being a ghoul is similar to the blood pact where you're basically completely fucked and under control of your superior. Which is why I could see them trying to help her. Now think back to Guy Chapman, he hasn't actually served much purpose in the story being a ghoul. His existence is world building. It shows that ghouls can be anyone and anywhere. He also shows that ghouls can switch masters like he switched to Kevin. The idea is that Guy is set up so that when Grimal eventually undergoes the same thing it won't be an asspull/reveal it'll be an extension of pre-established mechanics. Door will of course NOT be happy about this.

Post Sam Bucket Stream [2022/09/09] Sam Bucket Notes

I wanted to get some notes down from the post Sam Bucket finale stream that I found interesting because I'm trying to see if Sam Bucket connects to c!Sam multiple bodies lore. Transcriptions and my ramble-y notes about them under the cut!

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CC!Sam: And there's still some things we don't know [about Sam Bucket]. Like. We don't know more about his dog, we don't know more about what Sam Bucket did. We don't even know if his name is really Sam Bucket. We just don't know.

(The distinct note about Sam Bucket's dog and the "We don't even know if his name is really Sam Bucket" both strike me as interesting. Of course Fran and Francis look and are named very similar. If Sam Bucket IS a previous c!sam body, maybe the current c!sam body vaguely remembered the name "Francis" while naming Fran. Also I wonder if Sam's vessels ever went by different names to cover up his immortality? "Awesamdude" is a pretty memorable name. It could be this body originally went by "Sam Bucket" as a way for c!sam to cover up his identity during that incarnation, or maybe Sam Bucket assigned that name to himself later?)

cc!Bad: 'Why is Callahan on the wall?' Because Sam Bucket is fascinated with Callahan." cc!Sam: Sam Bucket is in love with Callahan, it's true. He told me himself cc!Bad: He's a Callahan enjoyer. cc!Sam: Yeah. Appreciator, even.

(We know Callahan was gifted some inkling of divinity from DreamXD and is one of his 'pets'. It's possible Callahan was alive during the time of Sam Bucket. Either that or Sam Bucket saw Callahan recently and finds him fascinating for some other reason. Current c!sam memories leaking into the Sam Bucket body maybe?)

cc!Bad: 'Can Sam Bucket teleport?' To some degree, yes. There are rules. cc!Sam: There are rules, yes. cc!Bad: he likes to appear behind people. cc!Sam: He does!

(either Sam Bucket CAN actually teleport for some ghostly or magical reason or, like c!Sam, he has stasis chambers. A previous incarnation of c!sam could potentially have known how to build them. That might also explain why there are 'rules' in regards to this teleportation power, as stasis chambers only work under specific circumstances: Someone pulling the trap door to break the Enderpearl or the chamber being set on a timer)

cc!Bad: So Sam Bucket, if you think canonically, right, the Sam Bucket WE know is different from the Sam Bucket that has existed. Because Sam Bucket is not necessarily a ghost. He's not a ghost. But he's not alive in the way you think he is. Like, you couldn't kill Sam Bucket cc!Sam: Yeaaah! That's a big leak.

(cc!sam might consider this a 'big leak' because it could potentially be leaking a huge part of his lore that we only just found out in this recent stream. Can you not kill Sam Bucket for the same reason you can't really 'kill' c!sam? Because he's a clone body? Or is there some OTHER reason why you can't kill Sam Bucket?)

cc!Bad: Sam Bucket's not a deity. He's just more of like… He's LIKE a ghost, but he's not a ghost. He shares properties of a ghost, which is why some people see him and some people can't. I guess he's a ghost. He's KIND OF a ghost. But he's not a ghost. Not in the way people think of a ghost. cc!Bad, responding to a dono: Yeah, there you go! He's a ghost, but not because he's dead! cc!Sam: ahhh! there we go. (Perhaps he's "like a ghost" in that he's a remnant? Just not a remnant of someone who is dead, because he's "not dead"? But a remnant of someone who is clearly still around? By that I mean c!sam. Perhaps Sam Bucket is just a sliver of c!sam still dwelling in a vessel he's long forgotten? If he can forget his OG body and memories, it's likely he forgot other previous lives, too. Like, potentially, the one where he lost his beloved dog, joined the Egg and then got all his friends killed? We really don't know how many lives c!sam has actually lived because he only remembers his most current one, the one that was The Warden.) cc!Bad: He didn't die so much as… you might be able to make like… okay so here's the timeline. Here's the whole story. Sam Bucket discovers the Egg, eventually discovers the Egg's weakness, and uses the bucket on his head to block the Egg in and bury it, right? And then the Egg gets discovered WAY WAY WAY later by me. But during that time, Sam Bucket was just with the Egg. This entity that can communicate with people. So Sam Bucket just lived there and that was it, just lived there. Until eventually the Egg was free and Sam Bucket was freed at the same time.

(Is that the reason Sam Bucket can only say his name now? Is his mind so scrambled because of the Egg's influence that now all he can say is "Sam Bucket?" Has he forgotten that he's even a c!sam body/clone at all?)

cc!bad: Sam Bucket was a witness to the Red Banquet. But he couldn't interact with anyone at that point. So he could just sit there and watch. And he catalogued it.

(I have 0 idea how to explain this one. No clue on why he couldn't interact with anyone at the Banquet. Is it because all he can say is his name, and he wouldn't be able to explain the situation and help? This is about the only thing I can't put an explanation to.)

cc!Sam: 'what does Sam Bucket draw with?' Uhh, well…. uh, well…… cc!bad: Cranberry juice cc!Sam: yeah, cranberry juice…

(c!sam evidentially has a weird relation to body parts. He doesn't get the significance of having them lost or taken, likely because he can replace them whenever he wishes by hopping into a new body. He chops off c!Ponk's arm and expects him to get over it. He gets hungry when trapped with the Egg so he starts chomping into his own arm. He brushes off c!Hannah losing her wings. Body parts don't matter to him. So why would blood, if that's what Sam Bucket is being hinted at drawing with? It's possible Sam Bucket is as nonchalant about lost limbs, and potentially losing blood, as c!sam is)

cc!Bad: Sam Bucket is literally one of the most tragic characters. His friend died. Then he, like. Killed a bunch of his friends. Led a bunch of others to being brainwashed. It's an interesting parallel to other things have happened. Almost reminds me of someone who might have had a parallel… cc!Sam: Another paralleled story, if you will. I could imagine there could be a character [hinting at c!bad] that could parallel that character [Sam Bucket] pretty well.

(I think this is also important to note because Sam Bucket is not only a parallel to c!Sam but also c!Bad. If feels almost as if Sam Bucket is what would've happened if c!sam was in c!bad's place. Instead of losing a friend, like his own version of a c!Skeppy, he instead lost his beloved dog and got corrupted by the Egg that way)

cc!Sam: It was pretty sad. Sam Bucket locks himself away. with the egg. So badboyhalo can live…

(*staaaares directly at c!Sam devoting himself to the prison so hard he ties his entire identity to it, to keep c!dream locked inside and "protect the server". Something something "everything is perfect when it's just me and him" and Sam Bucket and the Egg being trapped alone together for a very, very long time before it eventually got loose)

cc!Sam: 'Why did Sam Bucket not close off the Egg sooner?' cc!Bad: Well… cc!Sam: No don't tell them. Do NOT tell them. cc!Bad: I mean, there's technically TWO reasons. cc!Sam: yeah but make them speculate. It's more fun to not tell them for sure.

(Eyessss this suspiciously)

cc!Bad: Let's give you guys some questions, how 'bout that? So why didn't Sam close up the Egg sooner? Great question. Why was Sam drawing all these things on the wall? Like, why'd he draw this? Why COULDN'T Sam communicate with anybody around the time of the Red Banquet? Why was it only till later that he could? Why was he walking around and collecting those buckets? What's up with this room in here? Why would he arrange the buckets like this? cc!Sam: yeah, it seems like it's laid out in a very particular way

cc!Bad: and what was he doing with that fountain in the middle of the forest? cc!Sam: WAS there a fountain in the middle of the forest? cc!Bad: Was that all in Bad's head or was it actually real. Hm. Interesting. Why was he chasing Sam. Why was he chasing Sam out of this area when Sam was looking for him? Interesting. It's almost… could there be something we're missing here? Hmmm… cc!Sam: It's a secrettt~ cc!Bad: Is there something YOU guys are missing? cc!Sam: Yeah i love that there are so many things that could be figured out. We left a lot of crumbs to lead to things. cc!Bad: They'll figure it out. There's like a clue in the teaser. There's a clue in the credits. that's one of those things I've always liked, was leaving clues on stuff. cc!Sam: 'How'd he figure out iron was the answer'? oooOOO~! good question! cc!Bad: Maybe you guys should watch the previous two streams cc!sam: maybe you guys should get ready for the FUTURE streams! Ooo~!

(HmmMMMM... Future streams, ehh? Like potentially this most recent one? hrmmm)

Ok ok so can I request headcanons for each male bnha character as a drink?

I don't know if you meant like alcoholic drinks or just drinks in general so I went with non-alcoholic and since you didn't specify what any particular characters you wanted I just did whoever I wanted!

There's a cap on the amount of images per post so if you want a second part I'd be happy to do it since making this was really fun!

Bnha men as drinks

Denki

- Ok but but tell me he isn't lemon juice or lime juice

- IF NOT THEN HE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING SOUR OR OVERLY SWEET

- He's 100% taken a shot of it as a dare and actually liked it

- Every now and then he buys one of those tiny bottles of it (the ones that look like a lemon) and throughout the day he'll drink the whole thing

- His favourite thing to do with it is buying a small bottle with a ton of sour candy and mix all of it together and try to drink all of it in one go (he ended up vomiting it all out one time)

Aizawa

-So this one is pretty obvious but he's coffee (specifically black coffee)

- He always drinks it whenever he's tired or stressed

- He drinks about 2-3 cups a day, he's trying to slow down on how much he drinks so he doesn't get a caffeine addiction but he ends up just forgetting about it and by the end of the day he'll realise how much he drank and be like 'ok so I'll just not drink as much for the next couple of days' and surprise surprise, he ends up drinking the same amount, sometimes even more than the previous day

- When he's at home he even has a small mug collection, he gets mugs as gifts every now and then from his students and colleagues

Kirishima

- HA

- YOU WERE EXPECTING SOME KIND OF ENERGY DRINK WEREN'T YOU, WELL YOU WERE WRONG-

- It's specifically the strawberry banana flavour, he could also be the mango one but I just have an inkling this is the one he'd be

- He just really likes the taste of it

- Whenever he goes to small stores and whatnot for snacks, if he sees one of these on the shelves(the freezer looking ones with yogurt and stuff, i forgot the name) he always has a small smile

- He'll usually pick up about two of them and finish them in like 5 minutes

- Every now and then he gets a craving for it and heads to any store that he can just to find one (if it doesn't have his favourite one he looks like a kicked puppy and settles for something else)

- It's just one of those specific drinks that he'll only buy from a single brand because they make it the best

Izuku

- Ok so my first thought was actually Mountain Dew but the more I thought about it the more this made sense

- Well first off he just likes the taste of it, he doesn't get the whole 'milk tastes bad and you're weird for drinking it' thing, his mom used to give him a lot when he was younger and he just continued to drink it

-He also drinks it because it strengths bones and has lots of protein so it's perfect for him

- Sometimes he tries different flavours of it, he likes the strawberry and chocolate ones, he isn't a big fan of the banana and vanilla but his favourite is just the classic normal one

- He's tried almond milk and stuff similar to that, he doesn't like dislike it but he wouldn't buy it on his own if he saw it on a shelf in a store

Tokoyami

- He loves it but he hardly drinks it because the ones that are sold in stores taste way too artificial and he doesn't like them

- Just to be able to drink it he bought one of those fruit juice squeezer things (literally no clue what they're called, but it's that thing that you just put like an orange in it and it squeezes out all the juice from it)

- He just buys a good few pomegranates and just makes his own, he makes enough for two jugs since the rest of the class likes it as well

- He likes pomegranates just in general as well, a lot of people tend to spit the seeds out but he doesn't since they're edible and he actually likes them, he likes eating them as a small snack while studying

I COME BACK WITH THOUGHTS/THEORIES ON ITADORI AND HIS RELATIONS- I THINK.

anyways, so i'll just point this out: i'm not good at speaking my thoughts in an organized manner. i absolutely suck at it, i speak on how my brain brings up the thoughts so i might ramble, get over my head in a thought, etc. i can't control it so i apologize in advance for the jumpiness of the texts. i will spell a lot of things wrong and not everything will be correct, as i read translations and on a manga site. don't worry it's not illegal, i believe.

MANGA SPOILERS AHEAD.

i apologize for my absence! last week or two weeks ago the tower to my computer completely broke and will not turn on. i tried to repair it and follow my fathers instructions but nothing worked. even cleaned off the fan and went through countless nights readjusting things. it's not my cords either so to help me out my father is working extra shifts to get me a new pc. so in the meantime i'll do small posts like these but not full writing/head canons until i have a computer tower lol. a family member was kind enough to allow me to have their phone while we work throughout this issue.

now onto the actual topic:

kenjaku and itadori's relationship. ( family wise ).

for context in the most recent chapter, 160 "colony" kamo shows up in sasaki's home and talks to her about the culling game and a barrier. but that's not the point, the point is as he's guiding her to the barrier inside her "dream" at the end he says "oh right. i almost forgot to tell you. thank you for getting along with my son." and then she is awakened inside the barrier, in her pajamas beside iguchi. when sasaki and iguchi look at the barrier and gather themselves they bring up kamo.

sasaki asked iguchi if he mentioned his son and he says no. this leaves sasaki in a state of confusion when itadori flashes in her mind. she says his name aloud like she finally connected the dots. now. why am i bringing up this whole kenjaku thanking sasaki for being his "son"'s friend. it throws me off because why didn't he thank iguchi?

did he not think iguchi meant their friendship? because sasaki was the one uninjured and still counted itadori as a friend? does iguchi not consider itadori as a friend anymore?

because we haven't seen these two at all since the incident. that raised many questions in me. as well "how can itadori be related to kamo?" and itadori is related to choso.

because kamo's technique is explained ( vaguely. we are aware he can create barriers, take over bodies, and has incredible cursed tools. chapter 134. this is also where choso makes his connection ( i believe. ) to itadori yuji as his brother. but because we saw this with todo many thought itadori just had another unconsious technique that allows the person who is hit create false memories and believe of a completely made up relationship with itadori without his knowledge. but alas, i was wrong. ) and we're given more hints shown than told ( imo ) i tried my best to make sense out of the situation and what he said. i think my conclusions are pretty solid, so continuing on.

we're given very little history on itadori, his past, and family. at the start of the manga we know that itadori's only family he knows is his grandfather and that he is ill in the hospital. at the very very beginning we learn that itadori is your average cute, fluffy, laid back but strong and goofy protagonist. in smaller words: itadori is kirby but even cuter and dumber.

my first impressions of him is a pineapple. if you're confused to this saying: it's calling a person prickly on the outside but sweet on the inside. and this is true, itadori's grandfather seems prickly and cold on the outside but he genuinely cares for itadori.

he raised itadori for all we know and did that with his all in assumption. but this ends up backfiring onto itadori, because he cares so much for his grandson - he ends up leaving a " curse " on yuji.

help people. save them.

itadori takes this to heart as his grandfathers speech is his last one. when he looks over to his grandfather the man is dead and now yuji is left alone. then the following events occur.

at this point in time i assumed itadori was an orphan ( he technically is if we're connecting the dots. his parents has not been shown, he doesn't speak of them, they aren't in the picture. we can conclude either they disowned itadori or died before he could make complete memories of them. )

but when we are shown in chapter 143 itadori's parents we see this "woman" jin ( yuji's father ) and his grandfather talking about has the same scar pattern. this scar pattern is either stitching ( assuming that is how kamo keeps the top of the opened skull from coming off. this is also how kamo revealed his cursed technique / body of sorts ( the brain, assuming that is kenjaku in his cursed technique and not the body / puppet he is controlling " getou suguru " ) to gojou. )

this is the only way i find kamo being able to assign itadori as his son. why is that you might be asking this dumbass here.

we do not have the full story, exact date, location, and full context of the memory/dream itadori is having. this cannot be fake either because kamo would than have no reason to call itadori his son. or is there? anyways.

take a leap of faith with me. imagine that before itadori is born ( he seems no more than a few weeks or days old in this memory. hence why i am thinking my conclusion is pretty solid in theory. but yknow gege, there might be something different. ) anywhooo.

TW. D3ATH/IMPLYING ANTI LIFE ATTEMPT

kamo had to have taken over yuji's mothers body after an accident OR after she gave birth to yuji. his grandfather is interrupted by her before he can finish his sentence but it seems to be leading to the conclusion that either kaori ( yuji's mother ) died while giving birth to yuji or kaori could not conceive and tried to take her own life or cause an accident that would take her life. ( i read a fan translation for this part but im pretty sure i also read the official translation today too and it added up to the same. )

i believe in the first idea, but since kamo's cursed technique wasn't explained in detail i don't know the conditions of his body technique. does the original host of the body have to be dead? can he regenerate body limbs ( i highly doubt. getou lost an arm during his fight with yuta. overconfident dick. reminding me of an ex ANTWAYS. i forgive him for being overconfident smooch. he learned. OFF TOPIC but continuing on i promise.

this is being continued from the cut off point. i'm so upset so it'll just be summarized. i can't believe this shit lol i took three hours just to finish it for it to literally cut off the bottom half.

continuing on in a sadge mood. kamo must not have the complete ability to take over a body. after all getou took his only arm he had as he was dying and choked his own body to his full ability. getou was willing to die ( possibly, you never know he could be alive if he killed his own body. moving on. ) just to have the chance to save his friend from being swallowed by a damn box.

so there has to be a chance that kamo cannot fully take over the previous persons complete consious and memory of their body. if getou still had his other arm after losing the fight to yuta, he could've choked kamo with both arms. in theory kamo wouldn't be able to control the right arm and die to the previous host choking him to death.

so why wouldn't the other hosts do it? after all, kamo did say it was his first time experiencing such a thing. assuming kamo has lived throughout many bodies in his 150+ lifespan none of the previous hosts could take control of their body.

i believe getou was completely influenced by gojou and his six eyes. there is no way gojou would even try to speak out to his friend unless he had an inkling or saw getou still in there. helpless and without the ability to save himself from the cage he's in.

being used and puppeteered in his own body by an external force. laughing in the world he could not. putting getou into a constant misery and defeat that he couldn't escape his hell. the one he tried so hard to fight and get out of. even if it was the wrong path.

gojou was the last person to witness getou dying. he had to watch getou bleed out after their conversation because he couldn't bring himself to kill his friend. the one he spent his whole jujutsu student life with. so for gojou to say such a thing to getou despite all that he did had to break getou out of his misery and give him that small sliver of hope that he could do something. of course he failed, but i doubt that's going to be the end of that.

the only way i see kamo being related to yuji is if he took over kaori's body before the pregnancy. assuming that when kamo takes over a body he becomes one with said body and is that person for however long he lives in said body. my only thing is, can he take over a persons body whilst they are alive? i would go more in depth like i did the last time but i am extremely upset about my work being erased so that's the end of this part.

thank you for reading! i have one more thing for you though.

the last time we see sukuna in a manga page after the shibuya incident is where he is on his throne and in his domain. this is after yuji is stabbed by yuta and is presumed "dead" at the time. he seems to be interested in yuta and i can think of 2-3 things. I would love to hear your theories too so don't be afraid to barge into my dms like the koolaid man.

A - sukuna is interested in Yuta because of his ability to use the reverse healing technique ( only a few sorcerers know this. sukuna being the first. shoko being the second one to be told that she has this power and then gojou. ) because of this he sees potential in yuta as well or has added this boy into his plans. after all, there is very few that can make sukuna make an expression that isn't an RBF. aka megumi and possibly gojou. I was looking at the page of him stabbing yuji and noticed we only see the entry point of where the blade enters. it's smaller because some got chunked off so its a possibility yuta used this to his advantage when "killing" yuji and instead hit an artery that could kill him but quickly healed him afterwards. or just his heart. the ideas.

B. Rika, Yuta is able to completely control Rika as shown. Even though he claims he is on the weak side, these two combined seem like an unstoppable force. He may be interested in Rika as she is a curse that has been put on someone that can fully control it. Not many people is shown to be able to control their curse. As we haven't met many.

this was enti and that's the last of my post! thank you for reading and it was a fun one. even though i had to restore this shit. anyways, i'd love you to add or fix up my ideas and tell me your thoughts and opinions! Thanks a bunch!

^ this is for pure humor

Question I get asked a lot, too much if you ask me. Is the normally simple question..."why?". Friends ask me, family asks me, she asks me, people I don't even like ask me are too many people ask me..."why?" And too often at that.

One reason that I've told people is it's rather simple to understand is that it's hard to give up on someone who loves you when you didn't love yourself. And that's the honest truth cuz I didn't I didn't like myself let alone love myself and I don't think there's anybody out there no it's just truly how bad I hated myself.

But another answer to that question that people ask me all the time is very simple, yet maybe not so simple. And that is how do I stop loving somebody who literally saved my life?

Nobody knows how bad it was, or how truly low I was, or what I was planning on doing, because I've never told anybody. But right around 4 and 1/2 years ago I moved out of the apartment that I lived in with my daughter, to move in with a family member my Uncle Eddie. And Katana had to move in with her I don't know what he is friend, more than friend, anyway she moved in to Chris's parents house with him. We also had to scramble to find homes for for the kittens that we had. I couldn't afford to rent a truck or rent a storage area and my uncle didn't have enough room for all my stuff so I downsized quite a bit using electric saw on couches and chairs and bookshelves it's a lot of stuff to make it fit in the dumpster outside.

I think I was at my uncle's for about maybe 2 weeks, when I pretty much made up my mind. I mean I wasn't training at this new job that I did like but that didn't matter to me. I thought I had already lost my other four kids, although I hadn't yet didn't take long for that to happen but it hadn't happened yet even though I thought it did. I felt I had like Katana down and thrown away an awesome job and I just spiraled. I still had a life insurance policy through the Union at AT&t and so I changed the beneficiary on said policy to katana, and then I wrote up a will.

And my plan was very simple I was going to make up some excuse to go on a road trip or something either the day before or on my birthday of Christmas Eve, and I simply wasn't planning on coming back from that road trip. My van wasn't in the best to shape anyways so it was pretty easy for me to start filing away at my brake line and the plan was to get it to the point that it would just break or go out somewhere on the highway because an accident pays out full benefits.

I had my possessions organized I had things stored a certain way at my uncles so that what I left to each person would be easily collected by them. And once I did that in the insurance and the will were all set I I basically was going through the motions I mean I paid attention to training at my job and you know I posted my test results and I talked about how much I liked the job and I honestly didn't care I pretty much went there just to have something to do for 8 hours a day and to save up some money to go on this fake trip.

And so that honestly was the mindset that I had the day I went outside to smoke a cigarette and I had a Facebook messenger message that said..."what did you get on your test?".... I remember seeing that I had a message clicking on the icon seeing who it was from and thinking why the hell is she messaging me? And I opened it and that was the question she asked me, and I explained that we hadn't taken a test the previous Friday we were taking it that day which was Monday and so I wouldn't be able to post my results until the next day. And that's where our conversations started, and we got to know each other, and even though even before I went to go spend that first night with her I had an inkling of how I felt I was still going to go through with my plan. I mean I even thought about places to go and roads to take while I was driving from Milwaukee to Mayville to see her.

And I may have fallen in love with that very first kiss, but I didn't think I was capable of truly loving anyone and I didn't think I was Worthy to keep walking this Earth and breathing the air. So even though I drove back to Milwaukee the next day sing along to an Eddie Money song on the radio, and was generally in a good mood, I was still planning on going through with it. And even made more plans and more arrangements over the next couple weeks even though I was talking to her everyday and starting to see her on the weekends.

And then somewhere along the line I changed my mind, or rather we changed my mind and obviously since I am putting this all down, I didn't take that trip and I didn't do what I was going to do on that trip, because I'm still here today.

I put this person came into my life seemingly out of nowhere, and gave me a reason and the will to live. It's really just that simple they gave me a reason to live, and therefore without even knowing it they saved my life. So all these years later and after everything that's happened when people ask me that question, I don't tell them about what I was thinking back on, planning back then.

So I am sorry that I still love her, and I am sorry that I am still in love with her, I am sorry that I honestly believe she's the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth, I'm sorry that I've been patient and I'm sorry that I have waited and I'm sorry that I have turned my life around and I am sorry that I still want to grow old with her. And the person I'm saying all those sorry is to is her, because I'm sorry if how I feel and what I would like to happen is some sort of burden on you.

So I will just try to stop feeling all of those things for a person who is a big reason as to why I am still here. I will never willingly walk out of that person's life I will never turn my back on them and I will always be there when they really need me. But all the other stuff I need to figure out how to stop, if for no other reason then to make her life easier. Because apparently having those feelings I don't know apparently it's a bad thing so, since it's so bad and so horrible and so not wanted I'm going to have to try to stop, and then I guess figure out who's a person is who's capable of stopping all those feelings.

Yeah I guess I'm just sorry that I tried to be everything that somebody had ever wanted and somebody had ever needed, and I'm sorry for not ever walking out on them.

Why am I sorry? Well since so many aspects of my life can and are usually summed up with music I guess the best reason to say that I'm sorry for all of that is well it's like the song by Linkin Park says....."I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter".

So I guess I'm just going to have to try to turn off those feelings, and turn off those thoughts, and fucking care less... Or even not at all. Because that seems to be what everybody, including the person in question wants from me.

It doesn't matter.......