#idk. im sad I have so many thoughts about the games and nobody to share them with | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

transmxnfenris · 6 years

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EVERY BOTANICAL ASK

WHY DO YOU DO THIS Jasmine: what mythical creature do you wish existed? Ooooh, probs Selkies. They are so pure, good and lovely. I would strive to protect them all. Lavender: soundcloud or vinyls? Vinyl because I’m a True Hipster Primrose: what book does everyone need to read right now? The Book Thief because it changed my life. Lunar mist: do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jackets? You know the answer to this Richie, I am literally wearing your shirt right now you are right next to me you absolute dork Bird of Paradise: what was the best thing that happened to you this month? Moving to my new place 💖Gardenia: what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself? Um well it’s faith related and kinda secret and I can’t remember any others Lion’s fairytale: would you rather be the sky, the ocean, or the forests? The ocean for sure Whirling butterflies: would you kiss the last person you kissed again? A thousand times 💖Marmalade skies: do you plan your outits? Kinda, I wear the same three outfits all the time cause I am autistic Apricot drift: how do you feel right now? Pretty great. I’m happyEverlasting daisy: what’s the last dream you remember having? Oh you were there! I dreamed we went to Costco last night but it was closed down so you (Richie) cried Queen’s cup: what are you craving right now? McCoy’s Cheddar and Onion crisps like I always am Lavender dream: turn ons/turn offs? Turn ons: well created art Turn offs: unnecessary nastiness Water Lilly: when was the last time you cried? Why? I don’t know I cry all the time I cry because puppies are too cute sometimes Lily of the Valley: did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologise? No, and that’s okay because I don’t need him or his apology. I’m moving on now. Winterberry: do you bite or lick your ice cream? Bite Honey perfume: favourite movie ever? Mulan Snapdragon: have you ever met or seen in person a celebrity? My dads cousin is a quasi famous comedian but I can’t tell you who he is cos my and him have the same last name Night owl: how many countries have you visited?Nine? I think it’s nine Heliotrope: have you ever been in a castle? Yeah loads of times, last one was Hellsinger castle in Denmark where Hamlet’s set. It was awesome. Creams and sky: what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done? Skydiving probs Lantana: what’s on your mind right now? Finishing all these god damn questions you’ve set me you dingbat Pumpkin patch: what’s your zodiac sign? Aries Tulip: name five facts about yourself. Amethyst is my favourite crystal but that may change soonSunflowers are my favourite flowers but I’m starting to prefer daffodils I want to go to Japan I want twelve cats seven dogs and five rabbits I think Icarus deserved better Daphne: do you believe in karma? Kind of Queen of the meadow: ever been in love? I’m in love with you you dingbat Wisteria: whom do you admire and why? Carrie Fisher because she beat addiction and let herself be crazy Angel’s face: what was your favourite bed time story as a child? The Jolly Christmas Postman Remember me: did you make someone laugh today? Yeah you a handful of minutes ago Iris: do you believe in ghosts? Kinda Lilac: If you could go back in time which time period would you visit? Ancient Egypt or Shakespearean times so I could be bffs with Shakespeare or Tutankhamen Caramel kisses: would you want to live forever? Why/why not? When you believe the universe is all connected this question feels hard to answer Primula: what makes you sad? Other people/animals being hurt Rain lily: was today tropical? Why/why not? Not really, cause I live in England. It’s sunny though? Queen Anne’s Lace: who do you trust the most? You ofc 💖Lady’s slipper: what did you have for breakfast today? I skipped breakfast but I had a Tesco’s meal deal for lunch Forget me not: do you have any regrets looking back on life? Yes but I try not to Lunaria: what’s your favourite fictional universe? Why don’t you just ask me to pick a favourite child while you’re at it... probs Persona? Or Star Wars. Or Harry Potter. Or Discworld. Idk this is too hard. Violet: favourite tv show? Hmm ... For quality Mr Robot for rewatchability and comfort Friends Sunflower: share a quote. “I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you.” - Frida KahloSnowdrop: what does your ideal day look like? A picnic with my boyfriend on a sunny day with no worries at all Tiger lily: do you have any hobbies? Writing, gaming, role playing, reading, and I like swimming Peony: share a small random book passage that means something to you. “oh I can believe things that are true and things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Beatles and Marilyn Monroe and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen - I believe that people are perfectable, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkled lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumble bee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.” - Sam Black Crow, American GodsIM GONNA STOP NOW cause I’m too tired and this too long

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tayegi · 6 years

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THEORY TIME!(more like bullshit time) so I have a few thoughts and I'd like to share them, u see, I read in the asks that when Hobi asked her if she wants her mk and hair ruined in the rain; we get two possiblities: A) could it be that he was actually worried about his own hair and mk? Like he ran his fingers through his hair right after.. Makes one think! B) her hair probably looked really like shit, seeing how Tae mentioned it later on, and HS was pointing it out? We don't know (1/?)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:I'd also like to mention this bc I kinda don't get it, like HS said that no matter how they play in that Saturday game, they'll still advance to the finals right? So jk can't be sad bc he fucked up that game, and he talked about the recruits that will be watching and that he has to give a good impression (that he fucked obv) but idk if that's what he's really stressed about, or the fact that he might get replaced is what's stressing him I'm confused! Please deal with my stupid brain (2/?)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:Also I'm not about to just let go on how JK couldn't get the jealousy under control today! But what I'm ABSOLUTELY not about to let slip is OC'S JEALOUSY! I might be dumb but no one is going to tell me that I'm seeing too much into the fACT THAT IT WASNT JEALOUSY WHEN OC HAD HER STOMACH FLIPPIN' WHEN SHE SAW JK TALKING TO SM GIRLS AFTER THE GAME-NOBODY SAY ITS NOT REAL! BITCH BE DEADASS HAVING SOMETHING STRANGE TYING HER TO HIM ARE YOU SERIOUS RN?! IM FUCKING LIVING (3/?)—❄️🐰

DISS TIME! Can Hyejin kindly fuck off and let JKxOC sail on my tears for fucking once? Thank. I can see her making problems already OML, cuz my babies are clearly being close to each other and the wedding is near and they already bought socks for their babies and she seriously can't ruin everything. Ok? if she wants to keep her pretty face that is. Also dID YERIN HAVE ME SHOOK! I'm like ???? What happened to this child?! but I really ship her with Tae more than yoongi idk? (3/?)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:Also is anyone about to talk about OCs talk with Yerin? I mean I nearly fucking peed my pants at some point! JUNGKOOK WHO?! COCONUT BITCH WHERE?! I ONLY KNOW JUICY FART!! LIKE I FUCKING LOVE YOU AND HOW YOU'RE SO COMFORTABLE WRITING ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING!! it's like one of my favorite parts when reading your fics it's just so refreshing and funny and cute at the same time and just thank u so much for spending ur time to write, and for sharing ur works with us I truly respect u (4/4sry😅)—❄️🐰

omg i love your asks so much, dear. i srsly live for them!!! im happy about the feedback i get for new rules, but 99% of it is always the same thing-- mijoo is such a bitch in ch 2, dancing hot dog/hobi in ch 4, aw that hug in ch 5, and while it’s all lovely, i dont know how to feel about the rest of the chapter. How did the other scenes work? What did you guys think? I feel completely blind and confused. So this kind of scene by scene feedback is incredible and srsly makes me happy like you dont even know :D

ok let me try to answer some of your questions:

1. u will see whats up with hobi soon :) 2. ah dont forget that jk is the top scorer in the district. i doubt one poor game will get him kicked out. 3. hehehe we’ll see how the OC feels about JK next chapter :) and what happens w/ hyejin :))) 4. LOL yerin is lowkey my fave!!! she deserves to know about juicy farts!!!

So many of your questions will be answered just next chapter, so hang on bb! :D

#❄️🐰#new rules #anon #lu answers

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bfknj · 7 years

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tags masterpost (?)

I was tagged in a few tag games over the past few days and instead of posting them all separately I decided to just put them all on one! If I tagged you feel free to do any or all of these (including people who tagged me!!) As always, don’t feel any pressure to do any, I just think these are fun and wanted to share :)

- - - - 11 questions tag - - - -

Rules: 1. Make sure to post the rules!! 2. Answer the questions given to you by the tagger. 3. Write 11 questions of your own. 4. Tag 11 people

these questions are from @moonmyun !! michaela you had me stRUGGLIN OKAY YOUR QUESTIONS WERE HARD but ily still bless you for the tag you angel :”)

1 who is your bias group? why?

BANGTAN SONYEONDAN AKA MEME SQUAD !!!!!!! honestly they just make me so beyond happy wow holly nobody ever says that about their favs ur original a LOOOT of music is centered around love these days and not to say bts doesn’t do that with a lot of their music but they also tackle a lot of societal issues and I really respect them for that. From 21st century girls w politics, spring day mv and the ferry sinking, suicide in the I need u mv and many other things I feel like they take risks for the sake of portraying what they hold true to their hearts/morals not necessarily what will sell best and I can’t name many other groups who do that as well :( also my boys cute af I love those dweebs IM SO WHIPPED HAH

2 which kpop video do you find the most aesthetically pleasing?

this is hard :(( idk my number one but I really like seventeen hip hop unit’s check in, red velvet’s one of these nights, ladies code’s galaxy, kim lip of loona’s eclipse and crush’s fall ! they don't all match my aesthetic but I feel like they match the songs really well!!! watch them okay 3/5 of them are hELLA UNDERRATED bye

3 if you could instantly learn one choreography, what would you pick?

something by either gfriend or bts?? love whisper or not today or blood sweat tears?? OOOH or red flavor by rv!! tbh though I’m really skinny so my limbs look weird af with a lot of dances rip

4 who do you look up to as a role model (in the kpop community or not)?

there’s no person in particular that really sticks out but I will say I’ve always admired jungkook, and really all trainees for that matter, who leave their families to start training really young because its a process thats hard physically, emotionally and mentally for late teen/early twenties trainees but there’s sO many kids who enter in their pre-teens and idk how they survive also I realized this doesn’t answer your question at all I'm sorry its 1:28 AM I’m just waiting for the DNA mv to drop

5 whose concert would you go to if you could and why?

DAY6 DAY6 DAY6 DAY6 !!!!! THEY INVENTED LIVE SHOWS DONT FIGHT ME ON THIS or shoot maybe dean or crush or heize?? I LOVE TOO MANY TALENTED PEOPLE also I would say bts but although there are countless amazing beautiful armys there are def some crazy scary ones that are known to be horrible at concerts so

6 if you could pick one idol to be best friends with, who would it be and why?

OK YALL IVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS A LOT IN MY DAILY LIFE SO S/H TO MICHAELA FOR ASKING ILY either boo seungkwan or ahn heeyeon!! I feel like hani would be so fun to have girl time with bc I feel like we’re really similar in some ways ?? IDK I LOVE HER bUT overall I’d say boo seungkwan because istg we are 100000000% the same person only he has a weenie ok just trust me I am boo and boo is me

7 would you want to be a part of a kpop group if you had the opportunity to be?

I’d absolutely love to be in the entertainment industry and I think the staging, costuming, group dynamics and publicity (variety shows, fan service/interations) in the kpop industry are all really cool but I honestly don't think I have the mental strength to do it lmao idols go through so much and I don’t think I could handle it regardless of how much I enjoy singing/dancing/performing etc.

8 what languages do you speak, and which do you want to learn?

english and some spanish??? I understand a lot because quite a bit of my family speaks it but my conversational skills have gone downhill recently because I haven’t had a lot of opportunities to practice :( with that said, I’d like to be fluent in spanish and - BEFORE YOU COME FOR ME READ IT ALL OK - I’d like to learn korean BECAUSE!!!!! when I was little before I moved I would go to a farmers market by my house and a lot of the older ladies there spoke korean and little holly though it sounded so pretty and I always wanted to chat w them ok THATS WHY I’m not a creepy koreaboo this has been a thing since before I even knew what a kpop was ok bye

9 what song cheers you up when you’re sad?

fire by bts bc I get hella turnt to that song its a pROBLEM also jackpot by block b, baby/puss in boots by astro, chained up by vixx, not today/bst by bts, knock knock by twice, i think I love you by sonamoo THE LIST GOES ON I HAVE A WHOLE PLAYLIST OK

10 what things do you associate with your bias?

dimples!! pretty hands, closing one eye in selcas, ootds, happiness so cheesy ik sORRY, ryan, studying, awkward dancing, open mouth laughs, second hand embarrassment, sentimental rants

11 what’s your favourite thing to do in your free time?

cry over namjoon tbh I’m one of those people who is constantly listening to music so I’m always doing that and singing along regardless of if its free time or not HAH then I really like reading and catching up on my youtube subscriptions

my questions!

what is your dream job?

favorite book of all time?

what is your current fashion like and what is your dream fashion?

if your best friend was cloned, how would you know which one of the two was your best friend?

what song got you into kpop?

which idol do you think is most similar to you?

favorite kpop lyrics?

if given the opportunity to collaborate with any group/soloist of your choice, who would you choose and why?

what is your favorite physical and character trait of your ult?

which underrated groups/soloists do you believe deserve more recognition? any song recs?

do you read fanfics? if so, what are your favorites?

- - - - song title game - - - -

I was tagged by @kihani, your song choices were 12/10

rules: spell you your url with kpop songs and tag ten people! (all of these happen to by song recs too so listen nd be happy friends)

mysterious - hello venus

i think i love you? - sonamoo (a fav ok listen pls)

life in color - beenzino

knock - knk

jelly - hotshot

only u - daze

out of sorts - vixx

night rather than day - exid

she’s a baby - zico

- - - - get to know me tag! - - - -

1ST RULE: Tag 10 people you want to get to know better.

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true. tagged by @sleepysugarmoon, thank you friend!! APPEARANCE: I am 5'7" or taller I wear glasses (or contact lenses) I have at least one tattoo I have at least one piercing I have blonde hair I have brown eyes I have short hair My abs are at least somewhat defined I have or have had braces PERSONALITY: I love meeting new people People tell me that I’m funny Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me I enjoy physical challenges I enjoy mental challenges I’m playfully rude with people I know well I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it ABILITY: I can sing well I can play an instrument I can do over 30 pushups without stopping I’m a fast runner I can draw well I have a good memory I’m good at doing math in my head I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch I know how to throw a proper punch HOBBIES: I enjoy playing sports I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else I have learned a new song in the past week I work out at least once a week I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months I have drawn something in the past month Fandoms are my #1 passion I do or have done martial arts EXPERIENCES: I have had my first kiss I have had alcohol I have scored the winning goal in a sports game I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting I have been at an overnight event I have been in a taxi I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year I have beaten a video game in one day I have visited another country I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts RELATIONSHIPS: I’m in a relationship I have a crush on a celebrity I have a crush on someone I know I have been in at least 3 relationships I have never been in a relationship I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them I get crushes easily I have had a crush on someone for over a year I have been in a relationship for at least a year I have had feelings for a friend MY LIFE: I have at least one person I consider a “best friend” I live close to my school My parents are still together I have at least one sibling I live in the United States There is snow right now where I live I have hung out with a friend in the past month I have a smartphone I have at least 15 CDs I share my room with someone RANDOM SHIT: I have breakdanced I have had a teacher with the last name that’s hard to pronounce I have dyed my hair I’m listening to one song on repeat right now I have punched someone in the past week I know someone who has gone to jail I have broken a bone I have eaten a waffle today I know what I want to do with my life I speak at least 2 languages I have made a new friend in the past year

tagging some mutuals bc ily and why do you even follow me I'm a wreck tbh OK i tag: @kihani, @21jd, @lapatronakim, @94seulqi, @gayoongi, @springdqy, @medina-kim, @15minss, @je0n, @cottontae, @taebaeul, @booty-baekery, @lalisl, @babekhyun, @voidpjm and anyone else who wants to try any or all of these!!

#i love tags yayayay #don't feel like you have to do it!!#tags

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noxiim · 7 years

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(1/3)Okayyyy so i mightve sent a few asks abt this before but this topic is really now bugging me cuz i have depression and im sensitive to like everything. Im starting to take this "not getting notes on my art" thing really personally and i know it sounds childish (and i laugh at myself for it) but i cant help but get upset when i spend so much time and effort and get like no feedback. And i know people say not to draw what u love and not for attention but honestly i dont even know what

and i dont even know if im drawing what ilike sometimes. Yeah i love bts but i dont know if i like what im drawing or ifim just doing it for notes???? And i have a lot of anxiety too and thats wherei feel like im taking this too personally. Cuz im starting to think that my artdoesnt get notes cuz its straight up not good which leads me to think ishouldnt even try to pursue a career in art anymore. But im not good atanything else so wtf am i gonna do if i dont succeed in art???? Like i said i laugh at myself for thinking like this and iprobably sound like a fuckin child but i cant help it???? Like i think my artis decent???? But maybe its not???? Idk like this was really hitting me todaycuz i feel like im wasting so much time and im probably gonna be one of thosepoor college students cuz i decided to focus on art more rather than taking ajob cuz i thought i could make money off of my art but yknow clearly its notgoing so well and im scared for my future U dont have to give advice to all of that i just needed tolet that all out

Aw dude don’t worry I get what you mean,I actually experienced something similar when I first started posting my art totumblr, and even recently when I first started posting bts fanart. It’sperfectly normal to want recognition (in this case in the form of notes) forsomething you worked so hard on!! I think one of the major issues with postingto such a big fandom such as bts though is that there’s so many peopleproducing content at any given time, that it’s incredibly easy to get drownedout. Especially since tumblr changed how search and track tagging worked, itmade it that much harder for people to get noticed for their content.

When I first switched to drawing for bts,I found it hard because I also focused a lot on my note count. For someone whowas originally well established in a previous fandom, the move to bts was quitea jarring experience. I had built my following on tf2 art, and used toconsistently get a couple hundred notes, but one of main reasons why I left wasbecause of the dwindling of note counts. When I first left, overwatch had justcome out and a lot of attention shifted towards that game away from tf2, andalthough I still love the game, the dramatic decrease in notes on my art fortf2 really made me sad and I ended up deciding to leave the fandom after 3years of drawing tf2 art. I hopped around a bit, before eventually getting intobts. Even then, my first few pieces (they’re not on my #bts fanart tag so mostpeople wouldn’t have ever seen them) either got no notes at all or only two orthree. It was easier for me to establish myself in a fandom such as tf2 back inthe day since it was such a small, tight knit community with limited contentcreators, but now with bts there are so many more people and it just seemedhopeless for a while and I lost motivation in my art. I stopped wanting todraw, since it felt like nobody cared. Art is the biggest hobby I have, solosing my confidence in my art was crushing.

Now you might be wondering how I got towhere I am today. I’ll be completely honest with you. For me, I highly doubt Iwould be anywhere near where I am if it weren’t for networks. I had neverjoined a network before, but decided to join armiesnet and jimin network one daywhen I saw that applications were open. I got accepted, and I joined theirrespective group chats too. I met lots of great people on those chats, and madea lot of new friends which was nice after having moved fandoms and lost touchwith many previous mutuals. I’m so glad I joined networks, because not only doyou have the chance to make mutuals who will support you and your art, thenetwork blog itself also reblogs all its members’ content which gives youexposure to members of the network through both the network tag and through thedashboard. It’s a perfect way to get started, rather than hoping that somebodywith a decent following will happen to stumble across your work in the tags oneday and reblog it.

That being said, unless you’re like somesort of godly human being I don’t think we can ever get over how note countsfeel as an artist. We need something to gauge people’s response to our art, andthat tends to default to note counts. I can assure you that the feeling of disappointmentwhen your post doesn’t get as many notes as you want/expected it to is a thingpretty much all artists on this site shares. People always say “you should drawfor yourself, not for other people” but that’s the equivalent of like say themona lisa being painted and then left to rot in Da Vinci’s closet or something.The whole point of art is sharing your ideas/love for something through yourdrawings with other people, and so it’s perfectly normal to want therecognition you deserve for working so hard and putting so much love into yourcraft. When it feels like you’re all alone, you have to remember not to giveup. Creating art in such a big fandom can be unforgiving, but just rememberthat your art is never the one at fault. It’s all about finding that littlegolden window of exposure, whether it be through one big blog or a couplesmaller blogs reblogging your work. Those kind few people will be what helpsyou grow, and you have to keep posting for that to happen. If you water a plantbut it doesn’t bloom the next day, abandoning it will get you nowhere. If youjust keep going, keep watering it, results will come. Keep reminding yourselfthat you’re doing well, and you can compare older art to your current art tosee the progress and keep you motivated. Don’t force yourself to draw if youaren’t feeling it – art is something that should make you happy. I used to drawbecause I felt the pressure to put out content, but that just resulted in mefalling into a negative spiral of art block, limited motivation and generalunhappiness with my art as a result. Remember that there’s no such thing as adeadline when it comes to posting art on tumblr – work at whatever pace suitsyou and if anybody tries to rush you, shut them down. You’re the artist, youget to choose what you do with your art, how you do it, and how long you spendon it.

If you truly have your sights set onbecoming an artist full time, then by all means go for it! I can’t give muchadvice in that area since I only plan on keeping art as a hobby, but justremember that art school is always optional. In the end, working as an artistis all about the portfolio, not where you graduated from. It’s more importantto work on your art than it is to get in to an amazing art school. Sure, artschools can be useful, but in the end they are simply tools, sort of like atutorial rather than something that will magically turn you into an amazing artistwith amazing job offers. At the end of the day, it’s all up to yourself to workhard and promote yourself. Since art is all about reaching different audienceswith your work, promoting yourself is essential, even if it’s just casualfanart on tumblr. Feedback can’t come without exposure, and exposure can’t comewithout self-promotion.

Lastly, remind yourself that there’s nosuch thing as ‘bad art’. That might sound like a stupid statement, but inreality art is a constantly changing thing. There is no pinnacle of perfection,no model artwork that represents the most perfect drawing out there. Everyonehas different styles, everyone has different approaches, and most importantly,everyone is still improving. I’m still learning and trying to improve my ownart, and there’s no shame in that. It’s easy to perceive someone else’s art asbetter than yours which would lead to some self-critical thoughts, but you haveto remember that the other artist is probably looking at their own art andpicking it apart, thinking “aw man there are so many mistakes here.” It’s fineto make mistakes, after all, that’s how we learn. Just because we see mistakesin our own art doesn’t mean that everyone else will too – nobody looks at artand their first thought is to list all of the mistakes present. As long as youare aware of what you are less confident in and actively work to improve it,you can quickly surpass even the people you look up to.

So yeah, sorry that this is hella longlol, but in all honestly I can understand what you’re going through. It’seasier said than done, but even though it might feel hard - don’t give up. Youmight feel like you’re not getting anywhere at the moment but I assure you thatif you just keep going, things will only get better. That’s the thing abouttumblr, if you keep posting art your audience can only grow. For now, I would definitelyrecommend joining some networks, and making some friends. It’s not uncommon forpeople to promo their own work in the network chat occasionally, as long as youdon’t spam haha

Anywho, I wish you the best of luck withyour art journey. If you need me you know where to find me 💕💕💕

#long post #sorry I kind of rambled #but anon if you want to talk to me don't be afraid to message me instead #I'm always here if you need to vent 💕#asks #Anonymous #art asks

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survivorkvaloya · 7 years

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Episode #3: “I Wanna Start S#!t” - Chelsea

Honestly, Steffen, not much has happened for me in the first two episodes. We'll go over it really quick. I liked my original tribe of 5 with Jules, Liam, Christine, and Ryan. They were all awesome. My mentor, Colin, a fellow House of Shade alumni--also awesome. We won the flash game challenge (of the 5 competitors of my tribe, I scored 1 point which landed me in the middle of our tribe rankings). I bonded with Christine early. That could be something to hang onto. The following round was a crapshoot competition and we won that, too! On my new tribe, I like Lauren and Jack and I also have Christine there. I really wish there was more dirt or drama because I love writing lengthy confessionals, but things are just getting started here!

Alright. So I guess no one wants pleasant kind hearted lily around. They want mean angry bitter ass lily which I'm happy to give but they ain't gonna like it. I got an extra vote on this island thing that no one is gonna know about because fuck these bitches. I know I will need the upper hand later when the couples try to destroy the singles. When I get out of reflection island I'm gonna try to buddy up with Connor and ask him to be my new mentor. Jules I'm pissed. I wish I knew exactly what happened but I will try to get to the bottom of it and make sure all those losers pay. I hope you start feeling better too. I feel like I can't trust anyone after that but Jackson seems pretty genuine of not knowing or not being able to do anything. But, because of this HUGE betrayal everyone on that other tribe can fend for themselves. I'll be all nice nice yeah I'd love to work with you but nah. I ain't interested. Let's be clear here, I have no loyalties and I'm not playing some kind of loyal game. You cut my mentor ill cute you. BYE Andreas also told me about Jules getting voted out most likely before the vote which is cool. I appreciate that. But Nicholas Colin we ain't buddies. I'm rooting for a student to win but it ain't y'all. Tonight I will hopefully put together a board of what original tribes people were on their swap tribe and who their mentor is. I think this will help me get a better picture of what's going on. Also, being bitter as fuck only two days in? My aesthetic.

Oh and also I miss the damn creative challenge? There better be more to come because I'm sad. I've never done a music video challenge this was my shot and these bitches took me out!!! What the HECKIE????

nothing's really happened imo. this main is slow. i want drama. nicholas said there's a majority cross tribe alliance. where's my invite? i wanna start shit. my goal is just to make merge so i can blow up, the best way "Trixsea" Steele knows how. :) :) :)

I know i killed this music video challenge, but Chelsea told me that me and only 3 others submitted anything and after re-reading the rules and seeing that its an extra 5 points for every appearance we could actually be fucked. It wouldn't be to big of a problem because honestly I like going to tribal and getting to vote people off, but I also know of the cross tribe majority alliance who supposedly has majority on our tribe right now. If we lose this I'll probably try to blow up and either shake that alliance up or go out in a blaze of chaotic glory.

Im at tribal right now and I was getting a sick feeling that I was going to be the one voted out... But I always feel like that. I think that I am going to get my team together, Liam got a vote and if he wasn't sure if he wanted to work with me (even thought he said he wanted to) so yeah.... Me, Andreas, Colin, Liam, Ryan, Jackson... Then we have the numbers? yeah cus there is only nine of us rn. We could pull in Conner to make life really easy and to add a couple number just encase. If we do that then out of everyone we would have: Me and Liam, Colin and Brett, Ryan and Jackson, Andreas and... someone (-_- sorry) and then Conner who lost their student. Thats 9 people in a game with 18? maybe that about half. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore but I do know that this needs to happen soon before I get bumped to the side... I do no like being a side bitch

Ahhhh, I'm literally so in love with this challenge it was so much fun and Chelsea did such an amazing job editing it. If we don't win I'll be shocked...and scared. Lauren disappeared for a bit and didn't participate so like I'm a little...or a lot worried for her. As of right now I literally love this tribe. QuilLynn is super smart and I adore her, Willow and Chelsea are sweet and adorable and Brett is a gem. I guess the only person I haven't clicked with is Jack but for now everything's looking good and Im hoping we win the challenge :)

Whew, I'm so excited to have won immunity! The challenge was so much fun and now...its messy cause alliances are starting to form and QuilLynn told me about one that apparently me and Lauren are in? So I don't know if Lauren's making deals without me or what, but nobody's approached me specifically and I'm not in any chats so! I'm not sure what's going on and I don't like it. I think right now my #1 is QuilLynn. She's smart, sweet and very easy to talk to so I officially adore her and wanna protect her at all costs. I need to get things in order with Lauren cause I don't wanna get in the middle of some warfare we don't need to be in.

We lost. Again. This is the worst. My tribe is cursed. Kinda. It's like a blessing in disguise for me tbh. I'm using this time to recover from last round and regroup. There's more talk of a majority alliance forming and I wanna make sure it happens so I can solidify my place in it. I think my number 1 ally has shifted from Nicholas to Jackson now. Jackson is literally my fave person in this game. He's so nice and fun to talk to, he's socially and strategically aware, and most importantly, he's really cute and nice to look at so! I still got that alliance with JD and Andreas but I am not really loyal to it. JD seems to playing messily and I've mentioned before Andreas seems too well connected for his own good. Anyway, onto this vote! Literally? The only thing I've heard? Is Connor? but....... that's all I've heard. Connor isn't putting out another name. No one else is putting out another name. And that's a recipe for paranoia in my mind. I wanna trust the majority that's been built, JD says Jackson and Ryan will be voting with us, and I trust them 10000% but I'm a paranoid hoe.

my confessional game so far has been weak af so far like I literally forgot to write a confessional last round, so I guess I'll just do a quick recap. Essentially I have mixed feelings about my tribe bc there are 3 other people who I really like Chelsea, QuilLynn, and Gage. We ended up creating an alliance and QuilLynn titled it "arent you Klad I didn't say fjorden" which is iconic! Anyway that cookie challenge last round killed me but I'm glad I came up with the strategy to split 3 on 0, 3 on 9 and 3 in the middle. Lily was convinced that they weren't going to put all their cookies on one of our tribe mates so like I'm kinda glad I proved her wrong lmao idk. As for the people I have mixed feelings about Jack is okay I mean he usually replies but in PMs he can be kinda boring and give one word answers. Christine is really nice but she just doesnt reply a lot? maybe she just doesnt like small talk or something. Brett, I've heard really good things about him but he only replies when its about him lol, like if I ever start sharing one of my stories or whatever idk he just stops replying lol. Lauren, okay shes super cute but seems inactive. Anyway I was like super excited that we got to do the music video challenge this round, its always super fun even though what I make is always really awkward lmao. Anyway like 4 people from our tribe didnt submit, Jack was sick (so he says), Gage was moving which is alright, and Lauren (didn't say anything about why she didn't do it lol), and Chelsea was editing so its all good. Shes like a really good editor and our video turned out great so I'm glad we won even though we had like 4 people in the video compared to them having like 7. So then QuilLynn informs me that Chelsea told her that theres a majority alliance of like 8ish people?? like what the fuck thats about half the people here. So its Andreas-Jack, Colin-Brett, JD-Liam, and potentially Lauren-Christine. And there are a bunch of people we're unsure could be in the alliance. And then as Im hearing about the alliance I'm realizing that it consists of the people on my tribe who dont always reply to me lol or when they do are boring. And I mean I know im not the most interesting texter but these people are worse then me. So then I was talking to Ryan and asking him about his tribe and the reward and stuff to see if I could get any information about whether if hes in the majority or not without directly asking. So I was like whats was the idol clue reward this time and he told me about how it has to do with whoever gets the lowest score in the challenge, which sounds super complicated bc if someone with the lowest score doesnt have the clue then no one gets the idol. And he gave the clue to me, and I wanna give it to QuilLynn but we dont need too many people throwing the challenge and if one of our alliance members already has it then it should be alright, and it'll keep up my trust with Ryan since Im not supposed to give it to anyone so Im hoping its a win win. but he told me that I wasnt supposed to tell anyone about what the reward was but before he told me that I had already told my alliance bc I think I trust them more oops? but I think I want to trust Ryan. I told him that I heard rumors about a cross tribe majority alliance but thats all I knew, and he told me about a group of mentors and students talk about a potential alliance and they asked Danielle about it and she told Ryan she would try to get him in if she could. So then I tried talking to Danielle just making small talk or whatever and she only gave one word answers, which was fucking weird? Like some shit is clearly going on that I dont know about? I can already tell im becoming messy af which I wanted to not try to do as much as I did last season but maybe im just naturally a messy player and theres nothing I can do about it lol. Anyway I hope the majority isnt something I should worry about and I hope they self destruct somehow or Im just hoping that it doesnt exist at all and it was just a rumor made up to scare people or some shit.

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

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Ali & Carly

Ali: Heyo boo Ali: thanks for Rocky wrangling with me today, you're now also his fave so, add that to your tally Carly: its k i had fun Carly: hes a cutie & cool kid Ali: me too Ali: yeah, he's alright, but cocky enough so I ain't telling him Ali: dunno where he gets that from 😏 Carly: ha Carly: yea idk Carly: no clue Ali: i'm sorry Ro was being off btw, I'm working out why but trust it wasn't you, babe Ali: been neglecting her lately, everyone wants a piece of me Ali: hard life Carly: idc its me too Carly: nobody wants a piece but you Ali: I just told you that ain't true, and Rocky is ruthless, he called one of my customers a 'big bum witch' the other day Ali: no tip for me, thanks dickhead Ali: but I want all of you regardless Ali: willing to throw hands Carly: aw Carly: this town is full of big bum witches tho Carly: my ma back for one Carly: but are you willing to use those hands for good too or Ali: awks if that was your Ma, like hey gurl, I think you rock it Ali: your daughter ain't bad either Ali: you know it, IOU 'cos we couldn't make like we were in the backrow of the cinema Carly: unless she been lying about where she at i think youve avoided meeting the in laws again Carly: k cuz you kno i need to collect soon Carly: bored Carly: just back and zoned out so fast Ali: ain't even got exciting stories from their galavanting? fucking rude Ali: at least when we go AWOL we also go wild Ali: make things happen, lads Carly: my ma's good for nothing but hairspray and peroxide Carly: only use if i get beat up again Carly: my da's good for cash tho if you wanna get wild w me Ali: or you wanna single white female me Ali: which would be a disappointing outcome to say the least Ali: can't tonight babe, I've gotta have some sister time Ali: go hard for both of us Carly: k Carly: try not to miss me bad when shes talking about me Ali: oh babe, she will not, and if she does I'll set her straight Ali: gonna let the world know you're my 😇 Carly: whatever her issue shes gotta air it and youre her sister so you gotta hear it Carly: idc shes not gonna hurt me w it Carly: and setting peeps straight is the opposite of how you do, babe Ali: true Ali: idk what issue she could have though, you're a literal ray of sunshine Ali: true again 😏 Ali: ugh, imma miss you Ali: maybe i can sneak out when she's gone to bed, the 'rents too Carly: i miss you now Carly: cant hear my parents say shit Carly: i just wanna talk to you Carly: dont tell me maybe & keep me waiting tho Ali: i will Ali: promise Carly: i dont wanna make trouble for you Carly: w anyone Carly: you can stay w her if you need to stay Ali: You won't Ali: I can do both Ali: be back before first light Ali: even if I'll miss watching the sun rise on your face 😔 Ali: we've got the night, baby Carly: but you kno if ive got you for the whole night youre gonna fall asleep Carly: thats what im good at Carly: feel free to tell your sister thats why you like me ha Carly: fun & tiring its magic Ali: hmm, we'll see who wears who out first, babe Ali: and if I am that husband, then you'll just have to wake me up with morning sex like the good little wifey you are 😘😂 Carly: always bringing that confidence i like it Carly: k but if my parents wake up too you can explain its a duty thing yea i had to like Ali: i like you Ali: for so many reasons and imma show you all of 'em tonight Ali: fuck that Ali: stay out with me, its warm enough Ali: i'll trace all the constellations out with my tongue so you won't ever forget Ali: educational Carly: my ma is asking me what im blushing about Carly: i told her what you said but she's not a believer Carly: support my education bitch Carly: ha Ali: i mean, i'd offer to let her see the benefits for herself but Ali: not gonna win me any brownie points 'cos she won't take me up on it Carly: she dont kno what she's missing but i do Carly: wish you were here Ali: me too Ali: start the party without me babe, i don't mind Carly: too late if you do Carly: gotta get through this reunion some way Ali: they aren't making you watch a slideshow, are they? Ali: fate worse than death Ali: Maybe you could go to Ronan's? Lmao, he's been up in my pussy way too much since he found out about us...didn't think we were THAT loud but ok boy Carly: yea Carly: might do cuz same Carly: but what if i miss you he can really make a night of it when he wants Ali: Nah, I won't let you face that disappointment, babe Ali: my spidey senses will tingle like not on my watch, fuckboy Carly: aw Carly: you gonna come get me? Carly: thats no way to get him out your pussy babe fyi Ali: yeah Ali: I know but I like the idea of showing you off as mine Ali: but no sharing, he only gets to watch and be mad he fucked it up Carly: i like it too Carly: youre hot when youre oneupping fuckboys Carly: i thought i knew how to do it best but k youre flipping the script Ali: as long as i'm besting them i'm doing my job right Ali: gotta keep you on-board Carly: speak of the devil Carly: how he know i was alone & horny Carly: my parents have only gone to the shops its uncanny Ali: know your neighbours but bit stalkerish, pal Ali: i'll text him to fuck off, freak him out Ali: how does she know, ha, two can play this game fucko and I'm more committed Carly: ha Carly: you gotta Carly: hes smoking im gonna bum one see what line he tries to lay on before the text sends Ali: On it Ali: gotta let him know there's a queue to court the princess now and he's at the back, soz Carly: he likes hitting it from the back he wont be put off Carly: im gonna show him some of the hot pics i took of you tho Ali: when is he ever tbf? 🐶👅💦 Carly: true Carly: that fucking cute tho aren't i Ali: you know it babe Carly: hes talking to my da now Carly: kill me Ali: how fucking dare he Ali: knowing he has the upper hand with the man bants Ali: i know how to change a tire too! love me! Carly: if my ma invites him in for tea im out of here Carly: she will think hes hot under the collar for her & bitch thats my groundwork Ali: Run baby run Ali: what kinda moron is he tho Ali: coulda had a private show if you just waited, now its all saturday night telly and flat lager Carly: you kno i have nowhere to go if you dont want me babe Carly: facts Carly: he likes me now he cant have me what a fucking Carly: like i wouldve fucked you but im not getting w you Ali: i do, is this full sos crisis mode though? 'cos i need to be good for a lil while longer yet Ali: such a typical bloke move that Ali: bet he ain't the only boy in ur inbox, not a pun Ali: 'cos he ain't in mine like 🙄 Carly: its k your sister needs you Carly: i can keep walking Carly: loads of other lads on site as well as in my inbox Carly: & they arent trying to say hi to me before we get down to it nevermind my parents Ali: 😾 Carly: why so sad blue eyed boo Ali: i don't like how lads treat you Ali: i'm not jealous, like swear to god, even though i obviously want you all to myself, i get it Ali: but i'm not about how shit they are to you, even if you don't care, they should care to be decent humans Carly: thats not lads its everyone Carly: youre the only one treating me different Carly: they dont know how else to be Carly: made my bed babe Ali: nah Ali: you don't deserve half the shit you get, that's bullshit Ali: and even the rest, people just don't wanna try to understand or be good, heaven forfend they inconvineince themselves for one second, like Carly: if im a slag im a slag i dont get to put conditions on it Carly: if it was a film maybe Carly: but theres no romance coming my way from theres and i dont want it Ali: why can't you just be you? someone who likes fucking, among other things Ali: not romance just like...not being a cunt Ali: idk Ali: pisses me off Carly: cuz you don't run the world even tho you strut it like you do and i love it Ali: not yet, babe Ali: one day, and you can be my right hand woman Carly: yea? Carly: take me w you & ill take you to all your fave places k Ali: k Ali: we'll be fun forever, I promise you Carly: gotta be Ali: you know i like you even when you ain't tho Ali: don't tell Carly: who would i Carly: ronans got enough for his wank bank & nobody else is chatting to me rn Ali: exactly, ruins the illusion and fantasy when they realise i care about you Ali: so unsexy of me Carly: youre sexy to me Carly: idc what they think Ali: good Ali: me either Carly: i like you too you kno Ali: yeah Ali: i had my suspicions Carly: i dont have any subtlety sorry about it Ali: Don't be Ali: I love it Ali: not enough people say what they mean or want, ever Carly: waste Carly: k i wasnt shouting how bad i wanted to kiss you before i did but not cuz i was bothered about me Ali: agreed Ali: sometimes you can't know you want something until you've got it Ali: i get it Carly: you get me Carly: its weird Ali: 🔮 Carly: ha Carly: k what am i thinking now Ali: wouldn't be proper to say Ali: tut tut bad girl Ali: like how you think though Carly: fuck Carly: youre good Ali: 🤷 don't mean to brag but remember that phrase you'll be screaming it later Ali: such a Ronan line, I can't 😂 Carly: but true Carly: not like when he says it Ali: 😍 Carly: what you doing w your sister Carly: gotta live through that cuz bored Ali: Fixing my weave Ali: getting into a white girl dread territory over here Ali: then gonna do some 🔮 forreal Ali: get ready for me to be even more of a know it all baby Carly: cute Carly: tell me my future i got some shit from another neighbor & im waiting for it to kick Carly: hows it gonna treat me Carly: needing a good trip Ali: we'll see who gets the answer first Ali: you got anything for me? Carly: yea Carly: they mystery but i kno you arent scared Carly: & you got me doing a test run rn lying on here on the grass Ali: 🌌 be there before it fades away my space explorer Carly: if you find me at a bad end prob dont take it Ali: is one of the lads trip sitting you Carly: so he reckons but hes drinking so theres no trust Carly: & he gave me it Carly: his game could be me lights out idk Ali: keep texting me, okay babe? Ali: if shit gets too real, tell me and I'll come early Ali: my sis is cool now, she gets what we're doing, she was just confused Carly: aw Carly: youre sweet Carly: you told her you like me Ali: 'course I did Ali: I ain't ashamed Ali: I'm proud Carly: youre gonna make me cry Ali: You're special, Carly Ali: You're gonna see Carly: I just wanna see you tho Ali: Me too Ali: I'm gonna make her some chamomile tea and then I'm coming, yeah? Carly: but thats not fair to her Carly: she's not gonna be a fan of me Ali: I've promised her more time tomorrow Ali: You need me rn Carly: but what if i want you to stay Carly: what are we gonna do then Ali: i'll stay until you're ready for me to go Carly: you mean that? Ali: yes Ali: promise, imma take care of you Carly: but theres nothing in it for you Carly: youve already got me you dont have to Ali: i wanna keep you Ali: and not just selfishly Ali: you gotta stick around, you're too cool to go anywhere, okay Carly: k Carly: im here & if you wanna be im not stopping you Ali: good Ali: i wanna be wherever you are Carly: i kept you pills back the lads didnt want me to but idc about them & you can follow me in now Ali: fuck them Ali: just me and you Carly: yea Carly: ill look after you too Ali: 😇 Ali: i know, i trust you Carly: idk if you should Carly: but i like it Ali: willing to take my chances Ali: you're worth it Carly: thats you Ali: i'm so glad i met you Carly: me too Carly: not that i met me thats weird Carly: you know what i mean Ali: i got you Ali: not high yet 😉 Carly: id seen you around before you guardian angel'd me that night Carly: thats weird too Carly: that i didnt see you how i do now Ali: it is Ali: you were always cute but Ali: idk, i can't claim to have seen this in my crystal ball Carly: thats cuz i wasnt cute i was a state Carly: & youd have more likely seen me sucking ronans dick Carly: look away babe you dont need to have that image in your mind Ali: don't need him reckoning he plays part in any of my fantasies, nah Ali: you can't not be cute, no matter how you try, soz babe Carly: you can't not be so sweet to me can you Ali: dunno Ali: not tried Carly: idk what id do if you did Carly: i got used to it Ali: got no plans to stop Ali: unless you ask me to, like Carly: thats not gonna be what i ask you to do Carly: trust me Ali: you can tell me all about it Ali: 5 minutes, tops Carly: okay

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in-paradox-space · 7 years

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i didnt really spell or read through this

i just typed what i was thinking

and maybe ill read it again in a few years

you dont have to.

you wont really get anything out of it

so this is my blog and i just wanted to post this somewhere

i met a girl last night

and I quite like her

i feel an infatuation for her, even now

she left at 8am, i didnt hug her before she left i mumbled a goodbye

it was pretty shallow

its been 15 hours since then.

its sad to think ill eventually move on.

i dont know why, i didnt expect I would, but i do really like her

and these are really basic feelings

a scenario everybody is in

i feel like i should acknowledge this should be embarrassing for me

to feel such basic mainstream feelings

but why should that be embarrassing

am I above anybody else who feels basic feelings for situations we all end up in?

these feelings have been let out countless times, every single day, by countless masses

why should I bother to say the same things as everybody else in slightly different words?

I can’t stop thinking about her

I think she already has somebody

I don’t think she’s into me

far from it

she did some coce but I dont really touch it

I feel like if I do it once the seal will be broken

and I’ll end up throwing my money away and buying coce for everybody to share

I don’t even feel like it should be spelled that way. ‘Coke’ feels more natural.

I’d really like it if she liked me.

but I’ve felt that way about girls before

when I realize they do like me, I kind of back off and avoid them

this is probably the best relationship we will ever have

me seeing her maybe once every now and then whenever I destroy my brain cells with friends

just affectionately toying with the idea of me and her getting along

when im high with my friends, I can tell them all I love them and hug them

and its cool

thats just what we all do, and we know its because were really high

but I couldnt do that with her

although I did only just meet her that night

I was very self aware around her

it would be nice if she didnt already have a boyfriend

and idk

its not like i would want a relationship though

I know i would feel trapped within days

so why do I believe I want that before I get stuck into it?

shes depressed man

that will get annoying to me after a while

and she talks a lot

when the pedestal gets lower

I will eventually be less and less interested in what she has to say

she will get clingy

and need more and more love

I will have less and less to give

this is really fucking shallow

it will ultimately be bad

this is currently the best it will ever be

feeling affection from afar

unable to clear my mind of her

just hoping to be around her more

it feels much more warm and hopeful to want to be with her

if she expressed any interest in me, I’d lose my interest in her.

why is that?

Do I think of her as prey?

she shows flaws, but

I want to say i dont see them as flaws

but what if I do

im overthinking it too much

I told her to do some more ecstasy

she didnt do much

she didnt want to and she was already doing coke

my other friend was doing everything, but hes just a machine

some organic mechanism which filters lethal drugs into nourishment

he never drinks water and eats maybe 4 slices of toast a day

i dont know how he does it but his skin is always glowing and he looks great

his health is pretty bad but hes been living this way for maybe 2 years

hes achieved unhuman things.

he also fucked her once

which may or may not have been in the air

and i think she didnt want to do any more ecstasy because she didnt want to be vulnerable

and i think a part of me wanted her to be more susceptible

it isnt really something I wanted to admit

I know that its really really easy to find this blog

not for friends and family

but it is generally easy to find it, and anybody can find it

but im not going to branch off into that

this is just where I try to be honest

and admit the things people would otherwise try not to admit to themselves

i cant remember how to describe it

but im working my way on a path to detach myself from my ego

i dont know if detatch or dissociate is the right word

im aware why i should still have an ego

but i just dont want my ego to take over who i am

i feel, if i have more control over my ego, i wont be as held back by self awareness and fear associated with my sense of self

this way there will be less things holding me back

because I look deep down at the source of a lot of my problems

and fear(or anxiety, which comes under fear anyway) is one of the sources of most or all of them

i dont have examples to mind right now

but being honest has generally helped me in many ways

now im trying to be more honest

to myself and to others, about myself

my true intentions for doing things

looking deep within and questioning if im really being honest with myself

how i truly feel

because really, ive realized, im trying to prove things even to myself

on a level of thought

its nice

different points in time are connected with different points in time and the spaces i was in in that time

and other components of the universe which are connected to those times

i dont know what those components are

subatomic thought and vibrations type shit

i should also point out i dont erase the things I type, as I type them

I just leave them there.

for authenticity or something along those lines

for the whole ego thing

and I feel a little better after letting this out here

because i no longer feel like im avoiding the thoughts of her

and ive said these things somewhere

so when im dead and gone, it will always be possible for humanity to know I thought these thoughts at some point

why is that comforting?

I will be fine if we dont get together

i do hope there will be less awkward tension though

my friends, who invited her over, made it out like she was trying to get us together

and that made me sort of nervous

and then i think somewhere along the way, she didnt want that

and why would she? she has no idea who i am

and idk man, shits awkward

they told her i said she was cute, when they was inviting her

but like, I never saw her until i met her

so that was a lie

and i think that just added to the tension

and i think they suggested we hookup as a one night stand

and i think we was both really uncomfortable with that idea

and worrying about if the other person wanted that or really didnt want that

fuckin

it is awkward

but i dont really mind right now

as she came down from the coke

we lay in bed at 7am

very sleepily talking about anything

we watched a show

its very irrational, i think it stems from paranoia but im not going to mention the specific shows and shit

it also doesnt feel irrational in my head

its not worth questioning anymore

i was slowly starting to hear the pleasant voices and feel the regret accompanied with ecstasy comedowns

we spoke about music

jazz

i dont know a fucking thing about jazz but i do like it

because i know how much it influences other genres

the same way hiphop and rock influence other genres

and i like how its less about the specific timings and keys

more about feeling as you play

it could be an illusion but i think you can feel that in a lot of similar music

and she was edging towards doing another key

but she had to be sober for something later that day

its still unbelievable people spend that much on coke

is it worth it?

its hard to tell

it lasted quite long considering there was 3 using it and how much they spent

but if they did it regularly it probably wouldnt have been so great

and she seemed to feel worse and worse

more, just unhappy as the morning went on

and there was some awkwardness between us

but it still felt nice to be around her

and again

this is really fucking shallow

it would be nice if they didnt try to set us up with each other

i think we couldve chilled with less tension

and MD makes me very paranoid

whenever im in another room i feel like theyre saying my name when theyre talking to each other

and its unlikely they are

but what if they

theres always that chance

i think it will be nice to see her again, but start the night at the same time

without being fuckfaced

and know each other as friends

and just be able to hang out

and yeah, whether i do or dont lose interest

both ways will work out fine if we can get along

because she was pretty chill

and when im high, or coming down and irritable

i think ill happily listen to her talk for hours and hours

we can play more games together

i can see how everything goes with her

maybe we will talk about this one night

and finally know what we was both thinking

i do care what she was thinking

i dont know if she was interested in what i was thinking

she did have some flaws

so does everyone

those flaws would eventually make me unhappy in a relationship

id eventually be unhappy in a relationship with anybody

but maybe when were high we can do some regretful shit

if she did have a boyfriend

i think i heard she did at one point but it wasnt really confirmed

i hope that shit goes well

theyre probably more suited for each other

and i dont know what this is

or why at all im interested in her

i just never never ever ever am around girls now that i think about it

the last time I was around a girl was stupidly long ago

I dont even think it was 2017

and that day i didnt spend the whole day alone with her

ive basically been with guys this whole time

or just nobody

ive spent stupidly long amounts of times just alone, or with my dad

because i moved to the middle of nowhere for a while

i was only with my dad and his thot gf

i genuinely dont remember the last time i spent a day alone with a female

wow

I guess there was one girl

i dont remember if it was 2015 or 16

she was ginger

and she was into gingers

and we did rly like each other

i made myself pathetic around her

almost to suggest thats a desirable trait

and the moment we eventually kissed

it was awkward

and was not enjoyable

and we both lost interest in each other at that point

i think it was late 2015, i remember it being cold

but i was with blake late 2015

so it mustve been early 2015

wow

ive been around girls after then

but it was just with other friends

and i have wanted to fuck them

but ive not really felt like this

i didnt want to fuck

i just wanted to stare at her tattoos

and her hair

and talk

and i just hope to spend another day with her

even if i dont

it doesnt matter

the world will keep spinning

i will keep living

until i die

and she will be happy with her boyfriend or she will find someone else

and do something else

and eventually die

and humanity will eventually die

and the world will keep spinning

until something big enough to stop it from spinning crosses paths with it

and the universe will eventually entropy into a complete balance

and everything that was done would have been done

and it will be final

its really shallow

but i like thinking about her anyway

and i like this feeling

and its like i dont want to stop typing this

because then im choosing not to feel like this

and i might miss a detail

and i will eventually forget that detail

and i want to read this back in years and remember everything

i hope she is doing okay in those years to come

and it will be nice if we still get along in those years to come

and if we are both healthy

and doing well

it would be nice

and again, its really fucking shallow.

but i am human

i am designed this way

and its nice to think about her

and knowing there is a good chance i will see her again

and be able to play games with her again

and get high with her again

and listen to her music again

it gives me something to look forward to

and im gonna leave you with that

#personal #long text post #relationships #i did some heavy drugs last night and im kind of fucked #i guess thats my drugs tag now

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survivorazores · 7 years

Text

Ep. 1 - “I WAS FEELING EXCITED AND CALM NOW I SINK INTO NOTHINGNESS” - Mo

20 castaways were marooned in Azores, an archipelago off the coast of Portugal, and divided into two tribes - Salao and Espirito.

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163310931768/cast-reveal-1-espirito-tribe

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163310972443/cast-reveal-2-salao-tribe

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163311177098/tribal-immunity-1

Wow yikes I was late to the party as usual but we're gonna hope that doesn't have an impact on my gameplay. So so so SO happy to be with Ricky that's like a tight lock right there already so we're off to a good start but we gotta work the social game to turn our two into a majority. These challenges always stress me out but we'll see what we can do I guess lol

I am overwhelmed but in a good way! SO many new faces and that makes me so happy! I really hope that our tribe wins immunity this go around, I'm semi worried about all the young ones forming an alliance and trying to get the older ones out but for now I'm going to focus on WINNING! I was so happy to see that Abbey and Ashley Sarah were on my tribe. Abbey is SUCH a sweetheart, I really like her and I've played with her before but never on the same tribe I think, and Ashley Sarah and I came into the community at the same time (one of our mutual friends saw an application for a game and got us to apply and the rest is HISTORY) and she is my BEST FRIEND! So I'm super excited and I'm sure we're going to stick together but also see who else we can talk to and try to work with! I really like everyone so far and I think that we'll do really good in this challenge unless someone goes out and gets a tattoo.

My first impressions of everyone so far are good! Amanda was the only one who reached out to me when the game started, so I'm a bit worried I'm missing out on making social connections, but it's only the first night, so I shouldn't be too stressed. I just need to reach out to others but I'm so nervous! Everyone is intimidating and I'm scared. Signing up for the different items for immunity was stressful because by the time I actually got the document to load, everyone had taken everything I was going to sign up for and it was really sad. I took pictures of things anyway, and if the people who signed up for stuff don't follow through, I've got a few things covered. Moving forward in the game, I want to continue to talk with Amanda and reach out to Gwen, Francie, Ali, and Nayeli. I'll see how that works out for me. (Sorry if this is too long LOL)

Okay. So a thirteen year old is here which is cool. I feel bad for saying this, but she might be easily to befriend and manipulate since she does seem a bit aloof and awkward. Abbey seems sweet, but she marked down a lot of things with her name on it for the challenge. She seems like she might be a leader-type. Setting herself up for either success or demise here. Putting a huge target on her back, but I'm probably reading too much into it. There seem to be few boys in the tribe. Now as Aja said, "I don't wanna be the one, but I'm going to be the one." An all boys alliance could hold some potential here. Bryce seems nice. We both shared out thoughts on Australian Survivor and I feel like we have a connection. Zoe added me to what appears to be an alliance chat. I don't know if she did that by accident but if she wants to come to me that's fine. Every seems cool otherwise.

I'm really liking my tribe they all seem really cool and since it seems like a lot of people in the tribe are first timers too I feel more comfortable but I haven't found my footing in the tribe yet and haven't really talk to anybody which could be horrible if we lose the immunity challenge

Alright, I made a confessional not even at hour ago but here's another one: I love Toph. We bonded because we were both newbies and then he brings up alliances and since I had none, I hopped on it. We have yet to think of a name because neither of us are creative enough but we're trying. Toph wants to start fake alliances and share information with each other while backstabbing members of the tribes without anyone realizing we're working together. He even wants to plan a fake fight (He's a messy one, but I love him) in the tribe chat sometime later in the game just to make sure people don't suspect us of working together. I love it. I told him my strategy going in was mainly social. I wanted to pick out one person then go from there, making alliances around them and only being loyal to that one person. He said he had the same strategy. I think it's beautiful. Maybe I'm naïve, though, and he plans to backstab me just like he plans to backstab everyone else... but for now, I love Toph. I hope we can make it far and our messy plans play out well.

The method of idol hunting is posted and explained.

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163315657248/idol-hunting

I love everyone in my tribe so far, but Mo searching for the idol right after it's announced that you can seems really darn fishy.

Oh my lord i am so happy to be here you have to idea! so right now im trying to be as friendly and fake with everyone as possible! Me and emily hit it right of the ball. And i think me and her can go far! But you never know if that bitch gets to wicked I'll easily cut her. Other then that shes cool and a great sloid in my plan! Amanda is really awesome as well! But she seems to have a strong social game and i'm worried about that. She might need to be snipped before merge! Micheal and gwen seem to post and say similar things so I don't trust them. Everyone else just seems dry and like a deadweight so thats a perfect body shield! So currently me and emily have an alliance that seems solid, where both here to play messy and backstab and cause pain! Emily, Amanda and I have made an alliance but Amanda has no clue shes on the outskirts opps! So as of that everything looks great and i hope we lose are challenge to see blood shed!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0f7Z0GpXAsg

Rafael THOUGHT he would be sneaky and search for the idol at 5am. He was wrong, this is even more suspicious than in Mo's case because he said he was searching for it when most of the tribe was there. Rafael did it when he thought everyone was asleep, which raises many red flags.

Meeting everyone was such an experience. There are so many people to talk to its a little overwhelming. But there are a few people like will, raphael, zoe, and zipzap? that I found I have a good talk to. Mo seems hard to talk too and I can't tell if he likes me or not hsadkj

So far the cast seems super fun!!! I love the new faces and finally getting game with abbey!!!! It's def an uplifting experience and I'm hoping the energy continues!!!!

I'm hesitant to tell my tribe I'm going to be out of town because I swear, I have the vacation curse! I just hope that we win the next few tribals!

I like everyone but idk who to vote out because they all seem so nice and nonthreatening. This is the least exciting confession ever but it's true.

I've talked the most with Ali (the player not the host), Toph, and Amanda and I'd be interested in forming an alliance with them. Gwen and Michael seemed cool. Shoutout to Amanda for getting like half the items in the scavenger hunt. The real MVP.

After day/night one I feel very happy with the tribe I'm on we seem very solid and like we can take on the other team if we lose this first challenge I'll be shocked. There's also people that I'm vibeing with but idk if I should attempt at working with them or not because I don't want to put a target on my back by forking the first alliance. Also Amanda has expericene with these types of games and I like her but that could make her a dangerous person to have on our tribe so if we lose i might have to campaign to get her out

I'm suspicious of these people.

I love ricky yes I do!!!! but also I like can't get a read on anyone - I know abbey and other amanda are usually hosts which is... interesting, zoe's very young, and ruthie was there for my "iconic" bbsinnoh mess so we have a whole cast of characters here a nice fun bunch!!! it's definitely too early to think about alliances though we'll get there when we get there

Everyone's really gay and I McLove it. No arguments from my knowledge so far, the hosts are very nice, everything's going well I think?

I'm trying to decide who I might want to work with. So far I really like Rafael and Amanda, but Amanda told me that she saw that Rafael edited the message saying that he was going immunity idol hunting, which is shady as fuck. I'm a bit wary but I like both of them. I'm trying to also figure out who I'd vote out if we lose the challenge--hopefully nobody. I asked a few people who they would vote out, and we seemed to mostly be on the same page, but then again--this is a game of lying.

everyones boring, i hope no alliances have been made yet, i feel like I've been to eager but i need drama so bad &/or for these people to liven up smh. i checked out amends youtube it seems like she knows what she's doing since shes hosted, gotta keep an eye out for selenur

I'm sensing some social beasts already like Mo and Amanda G. since they seem to talk a lot in the chat. Also Abbey, while nice, is also someone who looks to be might be really active in completing comps so it'll be good to keep her around until merge. Zoe and I have been chatting with each other, nothing game specific, but I think we are getting close. I want to see if I strike up an alliance with her after the challenge. Also, Will has started messaging me directly a bit, and we seem to be growing a bit close, but that could be an act. I feel like keeping him around for the numbers. Bryce has not completed his things on the list. I mean I didn't either, but that's why I removed the one thing I didn't get so I don't become a target if we lose for "not helping the team." However, I doubt our team will lose since we have a lot of checked off things on our list. The people we went looking for the idol were Amanda G, Zoe, and Mo. Zoe told me she didn't find it, but I'm hesitant to ask where she looked. Some people are not engaging in the chat as much like Ricky, Ruthie, and Ashley, so I suspect people will target them if we lose. By the first elimination, I would like to see if me, Zoe, and Will could be in an alliance together. Abbey seems like a person I see myself aligning with too, but that seems less likely. If I had to pick someone to go home it would be either Ashley or Mo. Ashley because she has not engaged in the tribe, so she seems easy to pick off if I were in trouble. Mo would be a better choice since he's already building up likability.

Hey queens and kings! Ok so todays the second day and we are crushing the challenge these bitches are going down!! Everyone was really pulling there weight except for ray and nayeli, if we do lose the challenge either of them will be and easy vote to chop there vist!

There's a bunch of newbies on our tribe and they're all like... ready to vote someone out which is fine if we have to but y'all.... stay positive! Have fun! Eat a cookie! Anyways I'm just gonna sit and chill and let whatever happen because as of right now my name isn't on the block and if Amanda G wants to send Rafael home... ok! Also someone's definitely a catfish I can feel it

Before today, I thought my social game was prettt shitty. But now I think I'm alright. The only people I haven't had food conversations with are Michael and Nayeli. Amanda Lynn, Toph, and I have started an alliance called Merge Hopefuls. We're pretty cute. I love Amanda. She's super sweet and great at challenges. And Toph is great as well. But they both worry me. Amanda worries me because she's so good at everything. And everyone likes her. I'm worried that she's aligned with everyone and that she'll make it to merge without breaking a sweat. I trust her and I want her to keep me safe for a bit, but it also makes me uneasy. And as for Toph, he's low key crazy. He wanted to throw the first immunity to make sure some lines were drawn and he wants to start a big fake fight. He wants to get big targets out early and all this stuff, but I'm just trying to lay low! I've been trying to be Toph's voice of reason and I keep telling him we need to wait a bit before stirring things up. We don't want to be the first out on our tribe. I think he thinks he's invincible, but he's not! He worries me. But I'm going to stick with him for that reason. He's going to do something crazy and then he'll get burned for it, but I'll stay clear of it. Especially if Toph doesn't want people to know we're working together. Another note: I think Toph made the exact same "final two" deal with Amanda that he did me. Which wouldn't be smart. Amanda is hella good at this and everyone can tell. He'd be smarter sticking with me. But I'll let him decide. >:-) Other tribe members I want to work with include Ray, Francie, Gwen, and Ali. Which is like almost the whole tribe. But Amanda Lynn really likes Ray and I think we could make a good alliance with Amanda Lynn, Toph, Ray, and I. I like Francie a lot because she's also very good at comps and seems loyal. I like Gwen because she's so funny and good at comps. And I like Ali because he's adorable??? He's just so nice to me I want to work with him. Aundra, Nayeli, and Michael are hard to have conversations with I think. But everyone else I get along with very well! I'm hoping our tribe wins the first immunity so we don't have to go to tribal this week. If we lose, I'd want to vote out one of the three above mentioned. But I love the tribe as a whole. I think we get along very well and are good at working in teams. I tried not to step on anyone's toes this challenge but I did take one of Amanda's pics and one of Nayeli's. But Amanda did like half the list so I don't think she minded. I'm so excited for our next comp and this one isn't even over. I think I'm addicted to ORGs. Anyways, love! -Emily

I'm really nervous about hearing the results because I like many of the people on my tribe. Hoping for the best!

I hope we lost... 😈

We put a bunch of effort into this challenge (shoutout to Gwen's beddy flop it was gr9) and I really hope it goes well.

Henny. People did so much stuff for this tribal immunity while some did one *insert eye emoji*

I'm nervous about the results!! I also feel shitty that I didn't help too terribly much. I got about 20 points in total. I guess my excuse could be that I was literally on an island for a majority of the competition but I still feel bad. I hope we win!! Ahhhhhh

I'm so nervous I feel like I haven't made close connections with everyone afdskj hope we win this immunity to give me a chance. Also Dany is OWNING varys so I need to be her and the tribe needs to be Varys

Whew that comp was fun but always nerve wrecking wondering if you found enough or if there was something else you could do!! I did all I could find. Maybe those last minute points helped???? We shall see!!!

The Espirito tribe loses immunity.

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163347784333/results-1

I AM SO MAD!!!! We tried so hard to get this immunity and gosh, I thought we had it. We have to vote someone out now, and I think it might have to be the shady person who looked for the idol at 5:30am.

WE LOST. I FLOPPED. BIPPITY BOPPITY BOOP. IM GONE. ALSO THIS EPISODE OF GOT IS AMAZING. ONLY DANY SEASONS FOR ALL OF S7????

Well looks like we all are going to tribal. I'm hoping for an Ashley elimination honestly or maybe Bryce, but the latter did put in his submissions early. Meanwhile, Ashley making me do the wok to submit her picture last minute. Like really queen? That doesn't show responsibility. Honestly hoping to rope in Zoe here with the plan and maybe Will. I want to also message Abbey to see where head is at. Until tribal.

Just trying to watch GoT but things are happening. In an alliance with amanda g, will, and zoe. This is really cool because I reallly wanted to work with amanda g and will. Zoe seems a little tyrant like but its cool. Seems to be voting Ruthie because shes inactive but thats sad.

I think we are voting Ruthie. I’ve really liked Rafael and Amanda from the start, and both invited me to alliance with them. The only problem is that they are both very suspicious of each other, and Amanda and that alliance wanted to vote Rafael out--I convinced them to vote Ruthie, and Rafael is also voting Ruthie. Nothing against her, shes just inactive and an easy vote. I hope everything goes as planned. I got an idol clue. It's not between the numbers 925 -1000. Which narrows it down a little. I also told Rafael that amanda and will and I are allianced--I kinda regret it, as he seemed a bit offput. I told him they were good for numbers and they were nice, but ya know.we are still voting Ruthie as far as I know. God help me

Im really shook and sad because I like everyone

OH HONEY! So me and Zoe formed an alliance that seems really solid. However, Zoe also said she was added into an alliance with Amanda and Will who both are suspicious of me. I'm shook! Honestly though, I want Amanda gone. Her tribal answer was so shady that I'm shaking!!!!! Ruthie's name has been brought up multiple times when I went poking around. But when I asked Abbey, she proceeded to dodge the question and Ruthie goes searching for the idol. Pretty suspect. Me and Zoe are planning on getting the outsiders on our side (Ashley and Ricky) after tribal. Hopefully it goes well. Mo is also a potential ally. We will have the numbers and then we eliminate Abbey. Point. Blank.

gonna be honest i really hate unanimous, straightforward boots like... in the words of Peter MyFather Yurkowski - "Create a little chaos" so like i'm gonna see if i can't do that and force a tie and then break the tie that i forced because personally i think that would be hilarious

So the names currently going around: Mine, Ashley Sarah, Ricky and Zoe. ZOE Ashley and I decided because apparently she helped put both our names out there. Then I hear from Ashley that ABBEY told her my name GRRR Abbey is one of the people I've actually been talking with! I understand why my name was thrown out, I am out of town but y'all I got WIFI at this dang cabin it's not like I'm at Disney World i'm going to be LIVING on this thing and I'm going to be trying my BEST to get this vote turned around!! I really hope Ricky or Zoe go, ASHLEY AND I MUST STAY. I really hope one of us finds the idol.

turns out i can't count for shit and my plan won't work so maybe next time kids rip

What's the tea? What's the tea bitch is that we won that challenge hunty! And i am living for it! I was kinda hoping we lose so i could see where the line was drawn but i guess i need to wait! So aundra asked me if i wanted to be in an alliance with her and I agreed with a sly smirk!! Aundra, Micheal, Emily, and I are "working" together in a little alliance called "badass". Aundra wants to get Amanda L out and I can't wait to expose that bitch and get her sent home! I honestly acting so friendly towards everyone and it's funny because im actually planning there demise! Aundra, ray, and ali can all get booted!

These first few days have been super exciting. I really like who I'm working with so far. I'm closest with Amanda Lynn and Toph. I'm still working on becoming Gwen and Ali's BFF. It's a little difficult. Top and I finally decided on a name to call ourselves: Tophily. It kind of sounds like taffy but cuter. But that's as creative as we could get with names. Top, Amanda Lynn, and I went idol searching and BOTH OF THEM MESSED UP AFTER FIVE NUMBERS. But it's three am I can't blame them tbh. Anyway, I didn't find the idol either. But at least I searched my fifty numbers. Once again, Toph continues to scare me with his wild plans to cause chaos. He wants to get everyone to target Amanda Lynn (A smart idea in my mind. Girl has a wonderful social game and is great at comps, she needs to be out pre-merge.) and then use the idol on her! He hasn't even found an idol and he's planning this! I am continuously shook by his plans because they're either 1. Incredibly devious and he doesn't seem like a devious person, or 2. Incredibly stupid but I want him to do it just so he learns that this type of game play is dangerous. Especially early on! I keep giving him rational ideas and alternatives to these plans, but I don't think he's going to stop until I give him permission to do some damage. Whenever he does, I do not want to be attached to it in anyway. I'm going to try and distance myself from him and tell him not to tell people we're close. He's close with both Aundra and Michael (People I'm not close with) and refused to be in an alliance with them unless I could come with. Um? Toph? What happened to staying low key? Now they know we're working together? And the alliance is not going to work out because I don't think any of the four of us have any intention on staying loyal to it. It's called the Bad Ass Alliance because it's a bad alliance, not because we're cool. Anyway, I'm enjoying my night of immunity, but I'm still excited for the next challenge tomorrow night! I should be getting to bed though. It's 3:22 am. Goodnight.

So according to Rafael Ruthie threw my name around? Um? What? I know I shouldn't really be worried cos literally everyone is voting Ruthie but at the same time IM WORRIED because your name being thrown around is never a good sign. Ughh

Everyone in this tribe is so friendly and I love them all

So I was reasonably confident about tribal going my way and Ruthie getting voted out, then Rafael told me he heard that Ruthie threw my name around. I'm not all that worried because Ruthie is on the outs, but then again, that's never good. I'm still thinking that Ruthie will probably go out, but I'm a bit on edge.

I think the target may be moved off of Ashley and myself and on to Ricky... FINGERS CROSSED!

finally playing in athena who else is shook! This cast is cute, theyre mostly newbies and newbies are always fun. Being on a tribe with ricky again??? mega nut! I trust him at least for now, we are all each other has at this moment so!! ive talked a lot to will he seems really cool and we both want to work together. Ive also talked to zoe and I hosted ashley and played with ruthie. thats about it lmao. Amanda seems really nice as well actually. Idk how this first vote is gonna go everyone is being messy. im hearing mostly ruthie which is ok with me tbh bc i voted her off once and its a little awkward

So apparently we are changing the vote to Ashley?? I'm not very happy about this as it seems like a big bother to go around saying "we chamged our minds we are voting Ashley" but oh well. Also according to Will Ashley also threw my name around? Wtf? Ugh. So I guess its Ashley. I don't like all this confusion.

All these new people I'm really loving this tribe but we don't talk much which is like meh but I don't wanna talk too much game and be seen as over playing so I'm just trying my best to be nice and talk as much small talk as much as these hoes want too hahah. But I like Michael we talk so much so I hope tonalgij with him and possibly Emily

Nothing for the moment lol. Everyone seems to be getting along well and everyone is nice. Let's just see how long that changes but it's very good that this tribe is on the right foot

your girl isnt doing too bad!! im in a 5 person alliance with aundra toph emily and michael!!! im really strong with michael so thats amazing and i think i can bring someone else too but im thankful i can get through this first part of the game:)))

So I'm a a majority alliance and life couldn't be better lmao seriously though I'm really happy with how things are going right now and the only thing that could fujn it is a tribe swap because that would break up our group of five so hopefully we can keep us five strong and run the game I doubt that will happen but I hope it does

The plan has changed. Ashley is back to being the target. I've gotten to know Ruthie and I'm already planting seeds for an alliance. If she stays, I have stronger numbers. But a lot of people's names have been going around. I'm scared that the vote will split with Ruthie going home. I'm not excited about it. If Ashley stays, that puts me in danger since I was a component to her downfall.

I ' m t e r r i f i e d

This tribe is too nice, these people seem way to fake

Okay I didn't find the idol, I really hope Ashley finds it with this search so that she won't be voted out! I think I'm going to tell people that she told me she found the idol and then I'm going to just PRAY that I'm not the backup vote! I'm so nervous about all of this I really hope she finds it! I'm scared that I'll be the back up vote if she doesn't find it and I try to play it off like she does.

Okay so, this game started while I was at work and then I got fucked up last night so i honestly don't even know what's going on, all I know is that I love Will so much, love Abbey to death. Everyone else is irrelevant and apparently Will is pulling a lot of the strings right now so as long as I can sit there and look like a snack and have Will just pull me along, then it'll be fine. I do view Will as my closest ally right now and I have a lot of trust invested in him, and I believe he feels the same. Me and abbey have so much history and I know right now that's I'm never writing her name down but I don't know if I want to work with her or if it's just the excitement of being in a game with her again that's getting to me. Stay tuned to find out.

there's a rat somewhere :) and if ricky ends up going home in a blindside? let's just say that the azores won't be very fun anymore :)

Ruthie! GIRL! Get it together! She needs to vote Ashley or she may be the next one gone. I need her to stop being pressed. She may go home if she doesn't! Someone is in her ear.

Everything and everyone is so suspicious this season! I do like a lot of my tribe members but everything seems fishy this tribal council.

I WAS FEELING EXCITED AND CALM NOW I SINK INTO NOTHINGNESS

SO I WAS FEELING REASONABLY CONFIDENT ABOUT THE VOTE BUT THEN FUCKING RUTHIE TELLS ME THAT ASHLEY HAS AN IDOL AND EVERYTHING. GOES. TO. SHIT. WE ARE STILL VOTING ASHLEY AND HOPING FOR THE BEST BUT SHITSHITSHITSHIT AAAAAAAAA CALAMITY I AM NOT READY FOR TRIBAL

Someone in this game is a really good liar.... and I mean besides me lol I'm already lying a bunch. but this is a fucking mess LMAO like the word idol comes up and everyone freaks out like girl... IT'S 1 IN 1000!!!!

EVERYTHING IS BLOWING UP! Ruthie is saying that Ashley has the idol and I don't even know how she knows that and we don't know what to do. Fiddlesticks, I'm shook as heck :(

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ASHLEY HAS AN IDOL

Wtf??? Where did you find these people??? They are beyond crackd!!!!!!

here's a lil rundown - the plan was to majority vote ashley, then ashley allegedly tells ruthie she's gonna idol her out, so ruthie cracks in the tribe chat, suddenly EVERYONE'S name is getting thrown out and then ashley tells me that she never said anything about the idol so now it's chaos and everyone's cracked and everything's fucked up and if ricky goes im gonna scream. anyone but me or ricky can go and it'll be fine because at this point this game is gonna kill me and it's ONLY DAY THREE

i literally havent done anything so far ive talked to gwen and michael the most and then everyone like once my social game is trash!!! but michael and gwen told me they're in an alliance with emily toph? and someone else i forgot who but they said they will try to rope me into that

also i saw toph and emily try to find the idol at like 3am when they thought no one was awake hm i see you sis you thought you were slick

tribal is in like 10 seconds and I want to die.

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163388342953/tribal-council-1-espirito

LAST WORDS: Okay. I wasnt expecting to get out so quickly, but oh well. It wad a good experience and even outside of the game I think I made some good friends. Byee I love everyone except for that person who called me crazy what the heck man

Zoe becomes the first boot of the season.

#imthegreatergood #episodes

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yungxyari · 7 years

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3am thoughts....

I wanna write how I feel because its eating me up inside and when I try to express myself I get stuck First is first I messed up I wasn’t in the wrong from the beginning my birthday was great and for once I was absolutely happy not a care in the world first time in a long time. With happiness came a funny feeling for me those are never ever good when I say never I mean never bowling didn’t sound so right not after he expressed how tired he was something was off. Tuesday night is a night I’m done reliving I kinda just wished it never happened but since it did my next step is literally acting like it didn’t. Just to let it go After that night I shouldve blocked him but I didn’t I fucking didn’t block him I wanted to talk I wanted to work shit out when you love someone unconditionally shit like this tends to happen.. you just kinda sorta feel sick to your stomach giving up And this is the part where everyone gives in their opinion Why care about him if he doesn’t care about you his actions should show how he feels They probably are right but when you get to know someone you get to know them. And him I knew better then I know myself. Moving on I flipped my anxiety sucks I can’t control it it basically controls me and thats me upmost scariest feeling I have ever felt. I loose all sense of everything and im really going to try to get medication for that it fucking sucks and it basically dragged me to where I’m at the moment. Friday was hard after asking for nothing but the truth he wanted to still protect me and he lied I left work looking for nothing I shouldve went home I shouldve showered I shouldve laid down and once again BLOCKED HIM but I didn’t once again I let the anxiety the anger get the better of me. I really don’t have a valid explanation for any of my actions I swear I don’t and I don’t know what I wanted to accomplish by showing up at publix making a scene for what to drive him away even more. That isn’t the point he tried to check on me but it was already to late I was less then 500 feet from him with my heart beating almost out my chest not knowing my next move.. publix happened shit I’m not proud of another reason to apologize to C since his thing is he wants me to take responsibility.. he did me wrong asf me out of everyone he knows how I am and how I was with him and he took advantage of me of my heart and of my love and he abused it. Here everyone goes saying how can you feel that way at such a young age but me and the kid shared everything it was more of a friendship with the amount of unconditional love I believed we was throwing around… where do I continue Friday was Friday I ended up at my cousins party Lord help me that was a movie hen ciroc and beer pong how did I wake up the next day ask the devil because I don’t know I called him that night very mad at each other he answered on the first ring and I noticed I call he answers first ring second no more after that night. We talked for 21 minutes if I remember right the conversation I can’t tell you what was said but my drunken thoughts and sober words said anything and everything you can imagine. He was a dear the him I knew but better but caring but loving but supprortive things I havent seen in a while it felt good I felt good the call ended when G called me back in and 2 more shots later a bathroom converstaion occurred s/o to my girl A the first person to tell me something that makes sense not the default message I was getting from everyone because fuck him you deserve better really gets played tf out !!!!! that was over the party continued blasé blase “I’m finally in bed” text became a “good morning its work time “ text nothing too deep happened Saturday just the usual mix of emotions and feeling “I wish you were here right now” that broke my heart to pieces was the least of my worries. Saturday wasn’t bad and Sunday either I got an “I miss you” which made me feel great because fuckkkk finally I can confirm he feels the same Side note saturday I asked to b his first kiss of the year might not count for anything but it was important to me Sunday is where it began to fall not going into detail the day was good afternoon was good 7-9 was good I was out at first ignoring him but the kid just has a damn way of hoping back into my system. Spoke about fucking donuts which I was going to get delivered to him we left it at he’s taking a nap and that was it Till I got the feeling The feeling that fucks me over and shuts the reasonable part of my brain off. After this the outcome I lost my best friend I lost my keys I lost my self respect I lost my faith and hope and gained a charge Sunday Night was an eye opener well I thought it was Monday I woke up different it was good then sucked then sucked again it was great and at the end sucked even more at the end of this I stressed my mom out more then she is and lost his trust and everything Tuesday nothing really to say and Wednesday which is today but it isn’t considering its 3 am was a lot.

It went a little of both good and bad. More bad then good ofc “your picture is on my mirror but I’m going to have to take it off soon” As young as I may b I know, I know the feeling you get when you just know and I just know its kid having someone say they saw a future with u even at 17 maybe not now Mayb in 5 years maybe in 55 but that means a lot I lost him but I didn’t. And thats all ill say about it it ended sad and I could hear in his voice I’m not the only one hurting he just sucks at even showing this emotion do u love me….the reply was given basically then I love you it hasn’t sounded that way in never and click. The little details are out but this is basically what I can think of now it was about 30 minutes it was a lot.. The Instagram pictures are gone. And d is posted. I’m not even sure if giving an opinion on this is ok but b basically It feels empty I deleted the February picture and kept it moving… I started this at 2:58 am and its 3:40 and I’m still sitting here with a million and one things on my mind. School is in 4 days and I still need a week tomorrow I’m asking my mom I really need it. I need anxiety help and I need weight help just the month of December I lost 4 pounds shit is real its no longer a joke

Idk if I want help or I wanna give up, cutting ur self is super middle school, and pills are a game… tonight I’m feeling like I’m tired I’m tired of it all I don’t wanna deal with anything going on anymore and I say this with my eyes getting teary eyed I’m fucking tired honest to the god I don’t even know if belive In I’m fucking tired I wanna die I’m making my moms life harder and she already has her own shit I’m not happy I’m not motivated ion wanna do this shit anymore I’m fucking tired still havent blocked him yo sitting here thinking of what to do. Will writing it then reading it make it better?? Pills an option but the what ifs still sit. If I try it and nothing happens I’m forcing myself to keep it pushing but if anything at all happens then it was the right thing I’m sad I’m not alone but it feels like it I gotta work on things so many damn things I mean here goes nothing I think I got 2 benadryls Advil and other shit ill see what I pull out the bag for the record it was nobody fault but mine I’m just fucking tired drained and ready to give up I love u all so much always checking making sure I’m staright. I gone make this future happen if I don’t make this happen. And I dont know how u end this.. goodnight xo 54 minutes of pure feellings and my head is still going on at it.

update I woke up the next morning with a huge headache and disappointed

#jan5 #depressing thoughts #feelings #heartbreak #anxitey

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