sometimes i feel like when i criticize people on the internet who over generalize autism/adhd symptoms and lead to mass self-dxing among teenagers i look like such a massive hypocrite bc i am a self-dxed autistic and so are all my close friends. but idk i feel like actually the main culprit is the adults who post misinformation and act like very innocuous symptoms are 'red flags' for needing clinical evaluation. understanding myself as autistic is just how i navigate the world and tbh because of the sense of shame over not having a clinical dx i don't tell anyone im autistic besides other autistics that i know well.

(lil doodle for the sake of drawing a Nacene for the first time,,, excuse to write out my ideas haha) idk if ill end up doing anything with this but i had an idea involving a potential dynamic between Ed and a Nacene... uuuuuuuuh ITS MESSY IN MY HEAD RN. im reading the String Theory voyager books and they pertain more to their society and history as a species :) which is great to meeeee because i think they were such a squandered idea, me and alice whine all the time about how Susperia should have been endgame lol.

but theyre established as being a super advanced civilization of explorers who arent bound to the rules of our space in what all they can achieve and manipulate within it. and likeeeeeeeee idk if itd be Suspiria,,, im kinda inclined to make it Suspiria for the sake of familiarity and having that cute little "im bitter and want revenge but cant do anything about it so ill just sulk and be as annoying and unhelpful as possible..." I GOTTA REWATCH COLD FIRE... but my idea is that she'd kinda,,,,,, stick around lol,,,,,,,,,,, but because she gets incapacitated in Cold Fire idk SHES WEAK OR SOMETHING,,,,,,,,, i figured Ed would be the only one aware of her for some reason lmao IDK THE SPECIFICS YEEEEET,,,,,,,,, i was thinking she'd maybe exist IN HIM but if thats weird i might scrap it lmao,,,,, was pondering if maybe that's why he's such a sickly lil boy when he's little :) BUT ITS JUST AN IDEA NOTHING CONCRETE TBH,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I GOTTA REWATCH COLD FIREEEEEEEEEE. idk Suspiria's array seems so stagnant in space, considering she left the Caretaker id think shed wanna BAIL but i need to solidify my Nacene loreeeeeee,,,,,,,,, anyway haha the idea is just that the only person she can communicate with is a literal baby/toddler for the longest time and shes grouchy and mean but hes too oblivious and also a baby to realize it,,,,,,, inevitably he grows up and they become friends overtime and theyd travel the galaxy together as explorers :) BUT AGAINNNNN JUST A LONGWINDED HYPOTHETICAL THOUGHT FOR NOW HAHA,,,,,,,

1) Ducktales 2) Drakepad 3) Della (even if i was only supposed to send one, at least you have options for what you want to answer ^^)

Ducktales

Favorite character: Drake!

Least Favorite character: M*rk B**ks

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): drakepad, fenro,dellumbra,dellene, three gay caballeros!

Character I find most attractive: seleeeeene!! and della 

Character I would marry: frank’s alluded to morgana coming to dt17 and im staying hopeful so...magic wife

Character I would be best friends with: launchpad bc he’s everyone’s friend!!

a random thought: its a good show watch it @ my non dt followers!!

An unpopular opinion: change is good just because they changed your fav character from the old one doesn’t mean the new one and the old cant coexist and be loved by everyone w/o any fighting!

My Canon OTP: there’s no real canonical ships except maybe scroldie? which i do like even if i constantly battle between gay scrooge and lesbian goldie and then back to bi for both

My Non-canon OTP: drakepad hands down!

Most Badass Character: ms. beakley!!!

Most Epic Villain: lunaris was p formidable imo!

Pairing I am not a fan of: besides the obvious incest (this includes webby and the triplets yall!!)/pedophilia...c/rackbea/ks is the ship name i think for fenton and m*rk? 

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): hmm not really thinking of anything atm except ig that it feels like there should be more about donald in the terms of him post moonvasion (but like obviously we arent that far so it might get expanded on so thats why i dont wanna concretely say he was “screwed up”)

Favourite Friendship: all the kids being friends makes me 🥺🥺🥺

Character I most identify with: drake and huey probably!!

Character I wish I could be: an interesting question that i don’t quite have an answer for yet!

Drakepad

When I started shipping them: well i kept seeing cute fanart of them before i even got into dt and after i saw the hype for dwd i explored more, found drakepad, but didnt REALLY ship it til i gave dwd a try and was like “ok wow the fans werent exaggerating the gay huh”

My thoughts: its such a good ship i want it desperately to become canon i’ve never wanted a ship to become canon so badly before this is THE OTP for me.

What makes me happy about them: they care about each other sm and are already a family and are always trying to make the other be a better version of themselves

What makes me sad about them: that nagging negative feeling that theyll only be implied or never shown beyond platonic

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: tbh i can’t think of anything bc all the fics ive read of them are super sweet!! especially @/mighty-ant  @/bassiter’s fics  @/taylorthegiant@/transdarkwingduck(and some others but idk their tumblr urls)

Things I look for in fanfic: mutual love and understanding (also lots of angst AND PINING GOD THE PIIINIIIING!!!!) its also really great if gosalyns in there too bc then fambily.......

My wishlist: canon kiss on screen WHERE YOU CAN SEE IT NO IMPLICATIONS ITS BLATANT LIKE RUPPHIRE WEDDING! ALSO THEY ADOPT GOSALYN AND SING LITTLE GIRL BLUE TOGETHER AND OOOGH!!!!

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: i lowkey like fenton with either! 

My happily ever after for them: get married and adopt gosalyn and then grow old together :’)

Della

How I feel about this character: she’s badass and complete wife...

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: selene and penumbra! 

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: i really love how much she loves her kids she wants to be a good mom and i love it ;u;

My unpopular opinion about this character: she deserves her time to shine screw what my uncle says she ain’t annoying! we’ve had a bajillion years of donald and della only made a select few appearances in some old comics no one really knows about so!

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: she faces her fear of not being a good mom and just growing and adjusting and facing what she went through for over a decade

Favorite friendship for this character: donald and i really want for us to see her and gyro itd be hilarious

My crossover ship: um...idk if crossover since she might appear but...morgana x della? i would think morg would be the same age or only a couple of years older in the reboot! 

Thanks for the ask(s)!!

Send me a fandom, ship, or character!

could you give me a rundown on what being gender critical is? i get the basics i think but if you don’t mind explaining your views?

oh boy anon i’ll sure try!! idk if im the best person to talk about it tbh and ive confused a lot of people trying to explain my views before ahfjkfh but ill try REALLY hard to keep my adhd ass in check lmfao. if theres anything i said thats confusing & you need cleared up feel free to @ me againi dont know how long gender critical has existed as a concept, but i wouldnt be surprised if it was developed as a reaction to a certain VERY vocal part of the trans movement/trans rights activists

(so when you talk to people (trans ppl) about gender i think people usually break it down into several a few categories: gender identity, gender roles, and gender expression. i think most trans people are aware of & separate their sex from their gender identity, the identity being something innately part of every person, the roles generally speaking the bullshit that society expects & should be rejected, and gender expression really just being the traditional “feminine” or “masculine” behaviors/dress you use regardless of your innate identity.in trans circles/lgbt (merch, lol) sites i’ve seen the phrase passed around “gender is a social construct.” i think trans people who do/used to say that meant it kind of like that since gender was created by societies so it doesn’t matter how you identify/why not expand the understanding of gender (ergo, non-binary genders getting popularized). i think this fell out of popularity because it was transppls attempt to validate ourselves and conservatives cant wrap their mind around social constructs are/the distinction between sex and gender and so it wasnt really working out lmfaobut now there’s been some scientific studies getting popularized that have Suggested the existences of male & female brains and that trans ppl have the brain of their identified gender, therefore the disconnect between their brain and their body manifests as gender dysphoria. (i think the transmed community has especially taken to this idea esp because of kalvin garrah discovering these studies & now kind of preaching them as facts & science. with this comes him, his friends, and all the transmed ppl who stan him ryan and london saying that Gender Isnt Socially Constructed)then theres the posts circling around here saying Transwomen Are Women/Real Women + when the women’s march happened in america after trump got elected, i saw quite a few things on facebook where ppl were saying that all the talk of vaginas and shit were transphobic and trans-exclusionary and they should keep in mind that not all women have vaginas, etc etcthen u have what i believe (or at least hope) are outliers in the trans community being dug up (usually transwomen) who say........ The Most ridiculous shit imo. like saying theyre more of a woman than ciswomen (i’ll use cis strictly to mean not-trans in the context of this post), transwomen claiming theyre having a period, and just in general perpetuating “cotton ceiling” stuff like lesbians just needing to get over their transphobia to be with a pre-op transwoman. (again i would like to reiterate i DO NOT believe this is what the majority of transpeople believe, its just a vocal minority thats gotten attention from receipt blogs IMO.))**sorry that this post is already becoming an essay and if its derailing from the question, but this is what i think gender critical stuff is meant to react toso kind of in opposition to mainstream ideas of what gender is, i think radfems/gender critical people dont really break down gender into the different things like identity, roles and expression. from my understanding, gender was socially constructed based on sex stereotypes. i think we can all agree that stereotypes are Bad, so why should we identify with some set stereotypes?

the gender critical beliefs is that there’s not right or wrong way to be male or female (male and female in this post meaning to strictly refer to biological sex). gender is holding us back by continuing to subscribe to sex stereotypes and is counterproductive to building a society where people are free to express themselves however they like. (a lot of gender critical ppl equate gender identity with personality, and while i think this can sometimes be the case w nondysphoric people & mogai genders, it isn’t always and usually isnt, because as i mentioned before, a lot of ppl know enough to say that gender expression is something independent of gender identity.)as for my personal take on it & how it plays a part of my life (apologies that this is going to get super anecdotal):this all is related to my own transition. since questioning being trans, i fluctuated between different non-binary identities. i didnt think i was Trans Enough to call myself a transmale because i didnt want to kill myself over not having a penis (or even trans enough to call myself trans at all lol), so i thought i needed to stay as being nb. then i realized they/them pronouns did...... nothing for me. the whole time i had she/they/he or they/he in a profile i was always secretly hoping someone would just call me he lol.

but i felt like i was an insult to REAL transmen. it took me a while to realize that i didnt care too much about the specifics, i just needed to do what made me happy. that happiness was being read as male & using he/him pronouns.

but even then id still struggle. id have moments of thinking that i was just copying my best friend (who had a similar nb -> binary transmale path as me), or that i didnt even feel like a boy, that i was STILL faking being trans, that i should feel more of x y & z, that id made a mistake with starting testosterone, etc. reading radfem/gender critical stuff used to trigger the fuck out of me lmfao.i think what i eventually realized for myself and the sentiment other gender critical transppl share is that i was setting up an expectation/standard for myself that was impossible to attain. with mainstream gender theory, a cisman and i share our gender identity, our gender is the same (”cis” as its used to “identifying with your biological sex”). the thing is though, in terms of sex/gender, theres nothing i find that i have comparable to a male. i dont act like a “man” because im not one, im a TRANSman. ive lived most of my life so far as female and being socialized that way has been significant to me. i relate a lot to women and its always felt wrong to me how suddenly because im transitioning it felt to me like i was expected to revoke my right to speak on feminism/womens experiences. way before i discovered gender critical things i was pissed off at people trying to be “allies” to transpeople saying shit like “all men are trash transmen are real men so theyre trash too uwu!” like. fuck that. and fuck you for insinuating i would EVER treat a woman the way that men do.

like i know there are transmen (and just transppl in general, for that matter), who try to overcompensate with misogyny/misogynistic ideas because they think itll help them pass better but fuck

anyway. im proud of being a natal female and being socialized that way. being trans isnt exactly a party but im glad i could get the insight i have into the treatment of women and so forth. and the thing is, this isnt a contradiction to me being trans at all. once i let go of whether or not i was “male enough” of “valid” as a boy, i could once again just focus on the very concrete evidence in my life: i was EXTREMELY dysphoric about my chest. i’ve been on hrt for almost two years now and ive had top surgery. my dysphoria is almost non-existent since ive had surgery. i dont mind & even get excited about all the changes coming from being on testosterone. (dont like that i cant sing like i used to and that i’ll probably end up balding at least by my 50s if my dads head is any indication, but cismen have this problem too so whatever)

also ive never felt quite right when i was calling myself gay (exclusively attracted to men). i share some issues that gay men might, i Can be affected by homophobia because i Do pass as male, but its still not 100% the same experience and i think that distinction is importantmy concerns & how being gender critical is important to me:

me coming out as trans was a process over time. using the usual trans rhetoric, i was having difficulties explaining myself to people. specifically im thinking about my mom. when i said i was uncomfortable with being seen as a girl, she said she was uncomfortable too. she liked dressing more like a boy. some other shit she said too that i dont remember, but my basic takeaway: cispeople, particularly ciswomen, arent necessarily enthusiastically identifying with their correlated gender to their sex, because..... no reasonable person likes gender roles.

and i get worried about people like my mom who might be encouraged to identify as nonbinary just because theyre gender non-conforming. the identity itself wouldnt be much of a problem except that it seems to me like its being pretty normalized for nonbinary people to just kind of....... experiment with medical transitioning to try to achieve some Ideal androgynous form that would be.... Very difficult to achieve. i worry about people not thinking medical transitioning is a big deal and just kind of.... disregarding all the potential health consequences, how powerful testosterone is as a hormone, and so on. with the permanent changes that come people THEN end up experiencing dysphoria and life is.... really pretty difficult for detransitioned women from what i can tell, and a lot of people talk about how theres been a spike of people detransitioning lately.

i think part of the problem is 1. transmed/truscum people harassing & bullying nondysphoric trans-identified people, so they feel the need to medically transition to Prove Themselves and 2. just in general the aforementioned idea that everyone has a gender identity. i think itd be very uncommon for people to “identify” as cis, and so you get this whole mess of people thinking they need an androgynous body to match their androgynous identity......... etc.

bonus: my mom crying on her birthday because she said she didnt think shed be able to ever see me as a guy. “nonbinary, maybe, but you dont act like a boy.” problem solved, i dont act like a guy, i act like a transguy!!

also again, need to reiterate that i cant relate to men. i can never Become Male, not with our current technology. i was not socialized as male and thats okay!! its okay because im just doing what i need to in order to be comfortable with my body and myself. i dont need to worry about my dating pool seeing me as a Real Man because they can see me fully as the transman i am and my relationship with being a natal woman and just, shit like that. ive gotten a lot more comfortable with even being called she when it does happen (by accident by family members). its not a swear word to me and ive let go of a lot of expectations i thought i had to meet with being uncomfortable talking about my female organs and my past as living as a woman etc etc. im not trying to Be anything anymore. im just trying to live as myself

some of my issues with the gender critical community just as a disclaimer:

i have a lot honestly and im not going to be able to name them all off the top of my head

makes sense that it would be, but i think the community is rampant with transphobia in the sense of flattening transpeople to the “transcult” stereotype where they just..... dont seem to think of us as individuals. they think we’re all genderists getting triggered by misgendering & demanding our pronouns. they think all of us are “delusional” about our natal sex. they think we’re all gender conforming. they dont take dysphoria seriously in general, ESPECIALLY males experiencing dysphoria (i get that your feminism doesnt have to be concerned with “men” but come on). misgendering is just disrespectful to me (idgaf about rapists, whatever use whatever pronouns you feel the need for those people.)

just in general some people dont get that trans people can still exist in a post-gender world? and you can still be critical of gender while respecting people’s pronouns? by their very nature i think the transmed, radfem, and especially gender critical communities are attractive to bullies so you have those flocking to it, and thats an issue but... yeah.

this answer has gone on long enough and im really sorry anon im sure you didnt sign up to read a 13 page essay. i just got lost in my thoughts and felt like i had a lot of explaining to do. i think my feelings are both simple and complicated so idk if i even really answered your questions, i hope i did..., ;;

you should rate the arcs. share your wisdom with us. (or rank them by craziness /wtf moments)

ok i think rating them is easier than ranking them i can add craziness as a category alright alright

ok this ended up being nightmarishly long so im just putting it all under the cut for anyone who feels like reading giant blocks of text on my opinions on every single naruto arc

land of waves - classic very good i genuinely wish there could have been more arcs like it to show team 7 really bonding and growing together before sasuke ends up feeling alienated its got a really sweet touching story and naruto and sasukes relationship starts off already at a pretty high level of crazy like oh yeah right out of the gate they are trying to die for each other this can only get crazier from here i would have probably liked it more if id read the manga first because the anime murders the pacing of the fights here but overall i do really like it

chuunin exams - i love lots of chunks of it but it did really feel like a slog to get through parts of the forest of death and a lot of the more minor fights because kishimotos really just not very good at writing fights that he doesnt put his absolute most effort into i really love how the anime added to the part where sasuke gets the curse mark and how naruto is separated from him its really emotional and strong sakura actually feels like shes trying to become a character here i love her fight with ino and cutting off her hair legendary and im not a monster gaara vs rock lee still makes me scream the craziness of this arc is actually finally not riding on sasuke being crazy finally gaaras carrying the craziness hello blood drinking 12 year old i hope you get better soon 

konoha crush since i guess its a different arc - ok i actually really love all the weird political stuff kinda added in here the hints at some actually interesting village conflict i wish thats what the ninja war arc could have built from and orochimarus definitely the most comprehensible villain in the story and i love naruto vs gaara so much like thats really peak and tbh extremely satisfying to watch the shitty old bitch hokage kick the bucket like killing gaaras evil dad and hiruzen really was the best thing orochimarus done finally gaara has more help with craziness cuz narutos losing his mind too and sasukes getting some crazy seeds planted for later craziness harvest

search for tsunade - i feel like i really like this arc but when i actually read it im like hmm theres all these parts i dont like but i really love all the character stuff itachis introduction is iconic and i really do love tsunade and her fighting orochimaru was like highlight of everything its weird i dont have a lot to say but i do actually like this arc a lot in a way im like not sure why craziness is kinda low except for sasuke whos absolutely losing his entire mind which stresses me out so much and this is where i start getting extremely sad about sasuke

sasuke recovery mission - 80% of it is the absolute worst part of part 1 and 20% of it is the absolute best part of part 1 like this is really where all the warning signs of quality dropping and like kishimotos lack of skill writing fights really really starts to show like really all those fights do is kill the emotional thread running from the hospital fight, sasukes goodbye to sakura and sasuke and narutos fight which are like the best things hes ever written the craziness is turned up as high as it can get the emotional stakes and pain and love are also so high this is peak naruto if we just pretend the fights against the sound 4 never happened just skip them

kazekage rescue mission - this is where all the omens from sasuke recovery mission and the quality drop really like finally start meaning something because really this arc SHOULD be good and its like really really good in certain places like any time naruto and gaara are talking thats just love right there and all those moments really make it almost worth it except that kishimoto really took such a nose dive on understanding how to pace fights the parts that dont have gaara and naruto gazing tenderly at each other feel like pulling teeth like sasori vs sakura really should be absolute peak and its got some truly fantastic moments but it just goes on for so long i feel like im gonna die before sasori ever does that fight could have given us womens rights and the craziness is really high like naruto is just losing his mind about gaara and sakura killed a man with her bare fists

tenchi bridge - oh the love its palpable here and so is the craziness like naruto going to 4 tails because orochimaru just says a few things about sasuke like wow and their whole reunion is so good the passion and weird emotional issues all coming to the surface i love yamato here hes a fun guy and i really like the new team 7 dynamics they are fun i like lots of parts of it but i cant think of anything else to say its what it says on the tin emotional sauske and naruto reunion

akatsuki suppression mission - alright full disclosure i fucking love this arc this arc is the reason i sometimes throw my brain right out of my head and start talking about how much i love shikamaru i prefer all the emotional moments in the anime a lot it felt very rushed in the manga and like that whole episode of team ten processing their grief was so good but god im so so mad that only shikamaru got to have a big important fight like ino and choji should have been helping equally and i really really hate the fight with kakuzu its just more badly paced bullshit for kakashi and naruto to get to be super op when this was supposed to be a bonding moment for team ten this is a little crazy but its team 10 crazy not team 7 crazy which means they are still pretty normal well adjusted people with brains in their heads who are just having a moment

itachi pursuit mission - sasuke killing orochimaru really was so incredibly perfect and forming taka? this arc is about gay rights uum its really short so i dont have the most thoughts but yeah sasukes like maybe at his least crazy until the end of the story like hes got a real concrete plan find gay friends and kill his brother but hes really got a big storm coming 

tale of jiraiya the gallant - i really do not like jiraiya all that much hes just boring and weird but i love the chunks of rain trio backstory we get they are really the last bit of complete villain characters we are gonna get very tragic idk the fight is like alright for this stage of naruto but it still lasts too long and pains powers still make no fucking sense and feel just too overpowered you know also zero crazy which is very disappointing all naruto arcs should have crazy

pain fight - ive got lots of conflicted feelings like the fights not very compelling at first because genuinely the pain bodies are just too strong its very weird and narutos got this big power up which is what it is i really love pain as a villain like hes literally right about everything hes saying but it has to be bizarrely undercut by just bonding awkwardly about jiraiya and yeah theres some very cool battle moments theres some good shit in there but long drawn out battles arent exactly my thing but naruto going 8 tails was still pretty fucking cool and god it was such a cop out that everyone came back to life at the end COWARD KISHIMOTO

kage summit - the one the only kage summit absolute peak craziness like sasuke trying to take down the entire world government thats absolutely iconic i love him for it so much narutos having his own melt down about sasuke sakuras decided she doesnt actually need a brain anymore and has also lost her whole fucking mind in the whirlwind of chaos like this arc feels like an anxiety attack at some points but god do i love it naruto and sasukes whole confrontation is absolutely peak ill bear the burden of your hatred and die with you?? the love the tragedy this is truly peak gay drama thats really like hes planning a lovers suicide and we are all just along for this crazy fucking ride love it

war arc - how did we go from kage summit to this like kage summit felt like it was maybe actually going somewhere but the quality drop is just like an elevator was cut and we are now all speeding to crash at rock bottom here what the fuck happened why was this written why is it literally 1/3 of all of naruto why has god abandoned us itachi and sasukes reunion was very good and needed i loved all the parts with hashirama and madara and really for one sweet moment it seemed like madara might just be a dumb sexy villain who just wrecks shit until all that spiraled down into garbage if i think about obito for too long i start to go crazy thats the real craziness of war arc is how fucking stupid it is and that is making everyone whos ever read or seen it go crazy right along with it

wiki is telling me the kaguya bit is its own arc so lets go with that - ok kaguya fight is pretty cool im into it to a certain extent her weird portal powers are fun i like that but thats really not what we are here for now are we no we are here for the conclusion to 15 years worth of crazy we are here for sasukes final massive lose his mind time and naruto to go right along with him the love and the tragedy but the hope it offers as well love was really invented by the second valley of the end fight and the anime said gay rights and made it the prettiest thing you will ever look at and also adding all the extra tender moments between them like this is it this is why you watch naruto you watch it all for this and god do we love it but wow the trying to be serious stuff about hokage really is so fucking stupid lets pretend that never happened 

wow i really just typed that all out shout out to u 2 loyal fans who read all this shit i guess it was only a matter of time before i wrote something this long and stupid see i do actually like naruto i feel like i couldnt really hit the balance of complaining or praising so idk it might sound more positive or more negative than i actually am but there are really some good parts yes i watched the whole war arc no you shouldnt

me reading about trauma symptoms: i can feel my throat closing up and if i dont stop im Definitely going to start crying, starts vaguely remembering specific instances of shit that happened that stuck with me bc of how much it hurt

also me: im faking it. im a fuking piece of shit why cant i get over it it wasnt even that bad im such a fucking fragile crybaby weakling why am i like this, why did i let this happen, why havent i healed why havent i fucked healed why arent i better i want to get better i dnt know how 

also also me: what Trauma™?

but. honeslt im so fucking tired of being angry or sad or angry And sad i just. want a break i dont wanna keep doing this. i dont wanna keep living with my fucking brain and how heavy it feels and im just. im os fucking tired i dont know how to make myself feel better i dont know if its possible. i feel stupid even saying that bc i Know it takes time and all that shit but. it feels like i spent fucking enough time suffering over the past uhh 6?? years?? and i just wanna heal already? i just wanna feel better i dont know why thats not possible for me. god this is emo as fuck

like. i start remembering shit too easily. i cant let myself put too much thought into somany subjects because i Know ill just start fucking spiraling especially when im with other people and then i just feel so so stupid for bursting into tears out of nowhere. i remedy that by like? joking about the fucked up shit that happens and like. people laugh and. it almost doesnt help in this weird backwards way. its like my friends are inadvertently confirming that what i went through was nothing, just a joke and im so. fuking impatient why arent i better

i hate that im having to learn how to function, again. i dont know how to do anything or whats appropriate to feel i hate how thoroughly fucked my brain is? i hate how fucking fragile and easily entrapped i am???? i hate that one of my primary emotions is anger. im so tired of being angry i dont know how to alleviate it

i just. i want something positive thats concrete. i dont know how to ground myself at all and i cant. fucking process things on my own goddamn terms if im floating in this weird mental in-between constantly. even my own mental state isnt up to me? im worried about how much i was thinking about self harm when i was in that state

i hate that there are thoughts i cant. fucking touch. like some mental pandoras box shit, i open it and all goddamn hell breaks loose and good fucking luck processing THAT @self 

anything relating to sex in abusive relationship is off limits. i dont know why, i think its too tangible? im not sure, i dont know how to figure it out bc aforementioned reason

honestly idk how much i ever got to process the abusive shit that happened earlier on? like, just recently i remembered this one instance where my parents went through my phone while i was asleep and i woke up to them yelling at me about what they saw. and that was just them tbh, like. yeah they didnt handle much of anything well but. idk the environment i was placed in w friends was Not fucking healthy at all and i never. got a chance to sort all that out with myself and i think i still feel guilty about it if im being honest with myself

i think part of it is like. “you cant get better if youre still in the environment that got u sick” or wtvr which doesnt Truly apply to this since i no longer speak to those people, but im in the room where everything went down, which is probably partially why im even bothering to let myself think about it, and the second im not living at home again ill probably convince myself that im over all of it. again.

im overwhelmed by how much i have to work through. im in such a good spot relatively, this time last year i was still getting routine suicide threats and screamed at, but. it doesnt feel like a victory when i still feel like this

its sick to think about but like. i Do think about how when i was with those fucked up people i did. still feel genuine happiness, not infrequently, and. i miss it and it makes me wonder if i dont really want it. which is disgusting and i hate myself for even thinking but when i feel so constantly monotone its hard to not miss the high highs even when it was a package deal with the low lows

realistically its bullshit, i know i still feel happiness but. its hard for it to not feel unnervingly hollow and thats just another fucking feeling that  i dont know how to approach let alone process 

i just wanna get better. its corny as all hell but im tired of fighting myself snd im so tired of people fucking me over and me letting it happen and then blaming myself, im tired of the guilt. i wanna stop feeling fucking guilty over everything i wanna stop fighting my goddamn programed in thought patterns, i wanna be happy naturally but it feels like maybe thats just. not gonna happen for me

stupid and unrealistic and emo and yet here my Shit Brain is with its Shit Thoughts!

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

hey i was just wondering how you know what your orientation is? because like for the longest time i thought i was aro but now i've noticed i have slight attraction to girls but also i'm nonbinary (but female born) so would that br considered.. het or gay or. maybe i'm pan and jist haven't had attraction to other genders this is so confusing ggghg

ill be real here, it was pretty easy for me tbh. before i even began to ~explore my gender~ id had feelings fr guys n girls alike. it was really that simple. i got crushes on bois n gurls n still do!! they feel a lot different and its kinda hard to tell what i feel sometimes (thanks neurotransmitters) but ive just kinda always known i was bi.

ofc i didnt apply the label “bisexual” to myself at the time mostly for. like. denial/internalized Things reasons, but its what i go by to this day. after realizing i liked basically anyone, i eventually got kinda. emotionally worn out and like didnt have or want a crush/s.o (at age 14 or so hah) and i was like “LOL IM PROBABLY ARO” so i went by that for a while, but it didnt really. last. i guess. im still bi even when im Depressed lmao

im honestly not the best person to ask about this kind of thing? the only advice i really have to give is just to really like. try and define for yourself what you think attraction is and explore your memories and your current feelings to get a sense of how you feel it. the only concrete thing i have to offer is just. give it time. you didnt say how old you were in your ask, anon, so im not going to assume anything bt its quite likely a piece of your identity that will come with time and experience. (heck, i still have a ways to go in that regard)

whats most important is not to pressure yourself into labels, as cliche as that may sound. you dont need one right away. it might seem comforting to just smack some lgbt jargon into all ur bios but i personally have found that to be super unhelpful in the scheme of actually figuring out how i identify myself. theres no strict guide for this kind of thing, theres no rule book that dictates how you can identify, theres no possible way that someone else can tell u what labels u should use and be right about it, at least not without you disclosing a lot of intimate and frankly inappropriate things about yourself. even then they arent you so they cant give you a label that fits you.

idk i kinda rambled there sorry anon!! i hope i made some sense and u (and/or anyone reading this) can get some shred of value from this!!

sf9!

my bias + bias wrecker*: idk at this point tbh... too many sexy men

first time i heard of them: in my early kpop days i think i followed someone who liked them but i never heard any of their songs

when i became a fan: after i saw them irl in 2019... they performed enough and i thought it was a banger so i was like... now that ive seen them i need to know more

favorite (and least favorite) title track: favourite tt is mamma mia or now or never but most of their titles are sooo good! least favourite is maybe fanfare or roar... just not my taste

favorite (and least favorite) b-side: fave b-side might be stop it now or life is so beautiful. idk if i have a least fave but some of their songs arent very interesting to me... probably why nothing really stands out

favorite (and least favorite) mv: summer breeze mv is amazing incredible showstopping love it so much! least favourite... enough. i dont know what they were going for lmao! theres no concept only ugly concrete backgrounds and absolutely horrible lighting... like this was the first of their mvs i ever watched so i guess thats why i didnt get super into them from the start like... thats just not good

favorite (and least favorite) album: idk if i have a fave album... maybe its bc i havent listened to htem in a long time but i really cant remember anything

a concept i wished they’d try*: i dont have any

what i like most about them*: they have bangers and are tall :-)

Okay I love Legend of Korra

loookkkkk im not trying to discourse but i kinda get most of the gaang decisions for LOK? Idk maybe its just my personal opinion on the show as a whole! Hiding this under a break because I will not force people to read my long ass opinions on cartoons. If you subject yourself to this its on youuuu. 

like I get Katara (who is an absolute badass but also went through an entire war at age 14) returning home to be a healer and help restore waterbending culture to the Southern Water Tribe, especially after Aang dies and she knows the next avatar will be a water bender. Katara who saved her culture, saved avatar Aang, helped save the world. Going home to rest, heal, and guide the next generation sits right with me. Also idk in the comics she is still adventuring and helping and leading the team as much as she did before. I always just thought that she went home after Korra was discovered or someone she loved died. There is no way in hell she decided to just be the avatar’s wife or retire as a healer early. Like she's 87 in LOK.... let the girl heal if she wants to. 

And Toph! I get why people dont like Cop Toph! It seems out of her nature I know. But I can absolutely imagine Toph tracking down gangsters and literally teaching multiple generations the bending style she created, while working with her family. She would absolutely show off and sass every criminal who tried to step to her. Also the whole wander the world and end up in a swamp makes sense to me because 1. Toph is still connected to everyone, including her daughters, 2.Toph and mud and earth...match made in heaven, and 3. I like to headcanon her looking for enlightenment as something she does to feel close to Aang, maybe Sokka too, maybe even Iroh too. Reflect on the journey they had and become at peace. Also im sorry but the “do you really think friendships can last more than one lifetime” callback is too good to be mad at imo. 

And Republic City as a whole is something I really like. I think its interesting to see the art deco style, the technology, the growing power that nonbenders have access to (outside of traditional warrior training). I found the equalist arc so interesting and terrifying. I understand the critiques of Americanization, that makes sense, but I think its in character for the Gaang (made up of all different nations) to want a place where all nation people can live in peace. Callback to Guru Pathik “The greatest illusion of this world is the illusion of separation. Things you think are separate and different are actually one and the same.” 

And Aang. Idk if im stupid or missed it but like.... I never thought the show called Aang a bad father. Like I know Kya and Bumi felt neglected in comparison to Tenzin, but  I think its realistic to show that Aang took a special interest in Tenzin’s education because he was literally all that was left of his entire culture. I also think that this doesnt mean he didnt love his other kids or was a bad father. Im sure he loved his kids!!! I dont see anything that says he doesnt. And I think that this conflict between the siblings is so natural and I love their relationship throughout seasons 2 and 3.

Also the whole lion turtle and Avatar Wan thing. I saw discourse that it broke canon because it was the badger moles, dragons, moon and tides, and bison who taught benders. I never saw these as in opposition to eachother?? I always thought it was like Lion Turtles who granted the bending. And after the spirits left, and the desecration of both populations of humans, and the lion turtles leaving, benders turned toward the natural world as both a creation myth and as guides. The Lion Turtles leave after the first generation or so of benders are given power. After Vaatu is defeated by Wan and Raava the Lion Turtles leave because they arent needed as protectors anymore. Thats where I thought the other myth came in because even though benders existed, how did they learn to harness and grow that power. 

I think its futile to compare the two shows even though they take place in the same universe. The easter eggs are fun and good emotional callbacks that connect the two stories and give some context, but other than that... they couldnt be more different. They just dont line up in terms of main plot arc, how many main characters are developed, how big the setting is, how long each conflict arc lasts, the variety of main villians, and the timeline itself etc etc. This is absolutely just my opinion and doesnt have to be yours!!! TBH all I want is more content from both. I know its hard to see glimses of the original Gaang and I also wanted more explanation, more context, more concrete steps that show how they got to their places in LOK.  But it irks me when people dismiss the show completely because they dont like the decisions made about the original Gaang. It isnt even their story anymore and thats kind of the whole point.

Also you are lying if you tell me you didnt cry at Jinora’s ceremony okay. Seriously one of my favorite parts of the entire avatar series.