a point of frustration w my bf is his adhd seems to manifest most often as being unable to do basic domestic things, not putting trash in the trashcan because it's easier to just set it on a table & forget it. not putting clothes in the basket bc it's easier to just strip & leave them in a pile on the floor. not taking five seconds to put toilet paper on the roller bc it's easier to just sit it in top of the roller. my frustration comes bc it feels like I'd be an asshole to harp on him when I already know these things are difficult bc of his adhd but then again I've already modified most of these things to be the easier choice. like putting a little tash can literally right beside his bed. putting the clothes basket right where he usually strips & leaves clothes on the floor. getting one of those tp holders that u literally just stack the shit inside & it feeds out the top. and yet somehow it's still an issue. I hate going to his apartment bc I swear the only thing I do there is fucking clean like im maid. I don't even get to like spend time with him really bc im picking up like two weeks worth of fucking abandoned garbage & clothes. It's just so hard to know how much is legitimately from the adhd & how much of it is weaponized incompetence so I don't say anything bc I don't want to be the kind of person who makes someone else feel bad for having a hard time just because our brains work differently. It's just like ive already done the gently talking about it strategy over & over again but seen zero change or effort & im getting really fucking fed up with it but then I feel bad bc it's not like he's an asshole or treats me badly in fact he does get very apologetic & helps me clean stuff up but it's a broken record atp bc I swear we do this routine every two weeks when I go to see if he's made any effort to make the little changes we've talked to death about & it's the big reason I don't want him to move in with me bc I wouldn't be able to handle mess making 24/7 bc ik it would always fall to me to clean it otherwise my house would become a fucking landfill

October 2023 Art

for some reason i wrote a novel under the cut, for those of u actually reading, thank u for being so patient x

vvv dates + info under the cut vvv

1 - 03/10/2023 : another of my faves of last year, was trying to get better at drawing trainz, so just Edward and Toby hanging out, displaying the duality of old men x

2 - 04/10/2023 : got a new puter! one of the first things i set to doing after getting set up was to draw a Ru, of course, it was also just me trying to get used to the new MS paint..... it feels very odd

3, 4, 5 - 06/10/2023 : part 1 of redrawing random pics i have of Edward on my phone with my human version of him, this was really fun tbh, and the third here is one of my fave drawings of the year probs.. like sir.. those look heavy... what big uhh.. Glasses.. you have

6, 7, 8 - 07/10/2023 : part 2! i think i just like drawing his face... dare i say this train is cunty or will that get me exiled

9 - 08/10/2023 : something stupid i thought of and couldn't get out of my head for days so had to draw it..... little johnny from oingo boingo's only a lad, doing what he does best, fantasising about radios he wants oh so bad and running people down with a boyish craving for blood.. based on that 1 meme of the guy driving and thinking of a thing then making that insane face

10 - 09/10/2023 : based on that 1 silly vargskelethor song (that could not be less specific), had Shed 17 on the brain and was reminded of the milk song where the skeleton comes out.. thomarse dank 2 much milk and died..

11, 12 - 10/10/2023 : chooshada again :333 first a little doodle on my phone bc i was wondering about her livery, i do think she'd have originally been NER apple green but then painted NWR colours, butttt with a twist... coz i can do whatever i like... the twist is just that she's painted dark blue rather than a sky blue, coz its more her colour x

ALSO MS paint shada, wanted to draw her more uh, idk, detailed ig, idk i love this one, it also served as more train practice

13 - 13/10/2023 : previous one, but with COLOUR!! not much 2 say other than that shes very cute

14 - 18/10/2023 : saw a tweet abt old photos of engine crews posing with their crashed locos and how the NWR crews would do that, made me think of how, if Toni was (choo)shada's driver, she'd do that.. probably x .. very like her to slay in the midst of a terrible accident

15 - 22/10/2023 : predictably, i have some playlists for the ttte engines, one for Diesel which is notable here, so uhh, i have the scrapped song from the lorax "biggering" in there, bc i see it as like a Duck vs Diesel song, ik im surpassing several layers of cringe here but hear me out ok... i drew this at 2am coz i couldn't stop thinking of Duck lecturing Diesel

16, 17, 18 - 25/10/2023 : speaking of playlists, think i was listening to my Robin one here, and felt like drawing him, i have "the land of make believe" in there, which ive always found to be an oddly haunting song, so this is semi based on that, though that wouldn't be apparent if i hadn't just told u x .. this looks like vent art but tis not i was just having fun

also tiny chooshada, i was in the middle of writing something which i have literally Just remembered now and i was writing a scene where Ru is stuck between some characters who shes not looking forward to working with bc they're about to bicker the whole fuckin time and one of them thinks shes a dick, so i drew her being sad that shes forced to work with morons..... and speak of the devil, 3rd drawing is here with 2 of the aforementioned morons :D i think D+D take a liking to her, they're just a little obnoxious (love them for that)

19 - 27/10/2023 : a quick(ish) digital thing of Chooshada again that i did on the side of another project, more engine drawing practice he he, she'll be out of proportion and lacking detail but really it was just to not be too hard on myself about that, it did help i think to understand how to draw her more, plus just look at her lil face... also she has a number here, doesn't mean much other than 8 being her lucky number, other than 11, like those are just her numbers, suppose i could have it be 1188 to ref her bday, idfk x

hi vienna ,, tbh u dont need to read this bc idk if itd be triggering (body image issues) and id rather u not trouble urself bc of me but id like to vent somewhere and i dont have any1 to talk 2 so pls feel free to ignore .

ive always been overweight for my age but i never faced any bullying abt it other than some very occasion name calling of "fat" in elementary school and my family's disaproval for the way i look. as i grew up, i started to feel more comfortable around others despite not being satisfied with the way i look and i assumed that as kids mature they become more accepting, bc i had never been truly bullied b4 i just assumed it might be rare in communities such as where i lived compared to some of the horror stories i had heard. anyways all my life i had assumed people had been seeing me for more than what i looked like, i always tried to be kind and make a good impression on other but ig that's not true. as much as i love my circle of friends, im not sure i can see them same after what happened on friday. it isnt even their fault, i just feel very insecure now. but basically in 1 of my classes, we had a change in seating so i no longer sat near my friends but 2 acquantainces (they're rlly sweet girls but idk them too well) and this one guy that i also dont know very well other than that in 8th grade he had dated an old friend of mine for a little bit. but anywyas tbh i feel like im just being dramatic but i srsly can't get his conversation out of my mind . the boy was sat next to me and talking to his friend, their convo alr starting off on a wierd note abt kanye west. and the guy next to me (ill call him ray to make it easy) starts off by saying that kanye's note all that bad and has said some pretty true things. ray then goes on to say that fat people dont deserve to exist and body positivity is a completely stupid subject bc it only encourages obesity and unhealthy habits. all the while he's saying this, seated right next to me and im pretty sure he was glancing at me while saying it too . those 90 minutes were the most uncomfortable in my entire life. i was literally panicking while he was talking abt it and it's all that i can think of now. their conversation was truly disturbing to me and my confidence feels as if its completely tanked . his comments of "fat people are gross" and "being fat shouldnt be celebrated" keep ringing in my head everytime i go out or see myself in a mirror. i genuinely feel so broken and it hurts that theyve probably dont realize the effect of their words but also it hurts that that's all they can see me as. not another human being or a classmate but just "fat". idk where im going with this but i dont feel ok and i feel so exhausted now ,, just the thought of having to see ray's face again or hear his voice is scaring me . maybe im just overthinking but i cant help but wonder if my friends picture me the same way. am i even deserving of love if im so "ugly" . my friends sometimes comment that i look way older than my age or that i could pass for college aged and even comments like those are hard to brush off for me. sometimes i wonder if i should restrain my jokes and personality to stay kind bc that's all i am to them. just a source of comfort, and if i dont do that then i could be easily execused. im always scared of saying the wrong thing but now i keep wondering if it would never even matter bc all anyone will ever see me as is "fat" . it's not like i haven't tried to lose weight so i rlly hate everything that ray said and its srsly put me thru sm turmoil . anyways i shld keep this brief (sorry for the rant) and im sorry again for using ur inbox to rant , i rlly hope this doesn't cause you any pain or you find it triggering :( i apologize if it has caused you any concern or pain. i hope ur good and stay happy vie

tw: body image and weight talk

hello, dear :( let me start this off by saying that don't worry, i am perfectly alright and am glad that you feel it's safe enough to vent and write your feelings out in my inbox. you don't have to apologize for anything! i am the one who says that they're open if anyone needs to rant or vent. i would never judge. i had to read this a few times in order to collect my thoughts, so pardon me for delaying this a bit. i wasn't sure if you wanted my direct response, so i will just keep it short.

i won't say that i completely understand what you've been through and i can't speak on experiences i haven't personally lived through. however, as another human being, i will say this: you absolutely deserve to exist. i hope you never ever doubt that. i know how difficult it is to deal with comments about your appearance and it angers me so much that you're treated this way. i get how the side comments every now and then feels. bullying is horrible, but this is just as bad for someone's self esteem and health. im truly so sorry and wish i could do something for you, but i can't because of obvious reasons (that being me being just an online presence and not there with you).

i just want to reassure you that no matter what anyone says, you deserve love and life and goodness. a lot of people don't understand how difficult it is when you don't weigh below a certain number or how isolated that could make someone feel regardless if they're mentioned or not. everyone is so much more than just their appearance. idk how else i could help you other than to strongly remind you that you are you and that should be enough for your friends and that people should learn to keep their mouths shut on their opinions about other people's appearance. it doesn't matter if you lose the weight or if you tell them you struggle a lot with it. those people should reassess the way they're treating another human being with real feelings and thoughts. never lose who you are and trying to be what other people need and want you to be. it may end up making things worse, i know, and im not sure if you've ever told them directly that their words are extremely rude and hurtful and that they should stop, but someone (even if it's not you yourself) really, really should.

i pray that none of what i said has further upset you in any way. if so, i sincerely apologize :( i genuinely hope that this never happens to you again and that you'll have a greater year than ever and that you'll find wholehearted acceptance and love from those you are surrounded by and that you'll slowly but surely feel comfortable in your own skin. take care and you're loved! people like the ray you mentioned are not worth feeling bad over.

Sorry for so many vent posts. I'd post this on vent instead but i actually rlly like a guy there and i don't want him to know tht I have body image issues or else im afraid he's gonna not like me back anymore and be too afraid of making me feel bad to compliment me or smthn :^)

Anyways i was at the gym and glanced at myself in the mirror and not only do i have curves but i somehow also have no ass at the same time. Like if im gonna be stuck in a feminine curvy body tht doesn't suit me, can't i at least get a dumpy?

And my whole family compliments me on losing weight and idk im mixed bcs i feel better but also being skinnier in the stomache makes my curves look bigger in comparison.

And i hate how my skin is always so red no matter how much i avoid the sun or use sunscreen. And i want light hair and lighter eyes bcs i feel like I'd be prettier but im also afraid it would make my skin look more red by comparison.

Ig i at least dont think im ugly, i think im pretty ok looking, i can be attractive if i put in effort. But even if i am attractive its still not my body.

But the thing is the ppl im attracted to are attracted to my current body and im afraid they'd feel different if i changed. Which isnt shallow, its just a preference and everyone has a preference. But idek if i wanna start binding again bcs i want to be found attractive

April 9 2020 Twitter Thread Rant

the only time i deleted tweets was back in november bc you were mad at me for posting them so i was like "ok, you dont want them up? then i'll take them down just for u" then u freaked out that i was "deleteing tweets!!! trying to hide!!!" no, i just wanted you to shut up abt it most of the time we do it privately and dont interact with each other's venting!!! when you do it, you go public, use usernames, faces, direct names in order to claim youre "the good person for directly calling them out"  no youre putting them in danger. I'll only come here to vent or talk about my issues 

 Future TW// self harm ed suic*dal thoughts abuse idk, other stuff that is bad ig lmao This is my space to do with as I please

Even blocked my partner and best friends :) Happy now? Scum.

In fact, even just to make my abusive ex and my other cheating ex happy, I not only blocked them but blocked every from school I could find There. Now truly nobody knows me. Are you guys happy now? Forcing your victim to stay quiet & hide AGAIN? Like youve always done to me?????

Fake ass.... you claim to be my friend yet anything I tell you goes straight to my ex and drama starts again bc you pretend to be on my side hating her, then youre on her side against me Now youre taking screenshots from my friends and sending them to my ex... shady shit

call me a hypocrite yet youre being hypocritical on your story. I see haha

telling people to write in a diary instead of online, yet you've written how you feel online, you made 9-12 public posts for ~460 people to see, all with rants and venting about me, made 5 public stories about my friend and brought my name into it. When will you learn.

you say something like "you can talk shit and its ok, but when it do it, its not ok?" no, here's the problem. You do it in the wrong way. We actually keep it private and resolve our anger with friends that are also struggling bc of you and understand the situation

most of the time we do it privately and dont interact with each other's venting!!! when you do it, you go public, use usernames, faces, direct names in order to claim youre "the good person for directly calling them out"  no youre putting them in danger.

when my friend posted to his story about you, it was on his PRIVATE VENT account.... what it's supposed to be used for....? Venting about how he feels abt my other ex copying him, and you giving into my ex simply bc you both dislike me. It's childish. 

You and my ex go on public ramblings for everyone to see and use direct names or usernames as if people are gonna hunt us down? Ive never done that to you. I talk about you with my friends at school sure, but online? I NEVER shared your username. NEVER shared your name. Nothing.

The only info people could use to figure out who you were was me calling you a cheater, using the word "whore" because thats what you CALLED YOURSELF as we were breaking up!!!!! And talking about your pet that you only have because of me

You also say me and many of my friends are cowards for blocking you, bc if we werent blocking you you'd be "all up in our dm's" is that why you made a whole new twitter account dedicated to calling me a clown and immediately blocked me so I couldnt find it?? Okay "coward"

I blocked you bc you've admitted to people that you stalk my instagram, you stalk my twitter, yet when i block you to make you stop (bc ive had issues with stalking before) you get mad??? youre like "ok coward, if you had nothing to hide then why did block and private"

because 1.) i dont like stalkers and you know that 2.) i made everything private bc you were literally throwing a fit about how my months and months old rants were pUbLiC and anybody could see them, so I made it private so ppl dont read about you,

now now youre mad bc you cant go through my twitter anymore without following  and you cant find anymore of your sacred screenshots. again, i have nothing to hide. thats why i havent deleted my old tweets. bc I stand by what I say.

the only time i deleted tweets was back in november bc you were mad at me for posting them so i was like "ok, you dont want them up? then i'll take them down just for u" then u freaked out that i was "deleteing tweets!!! trying to hide!!!" no, i just wanted you to shut up abt it

the other time i deleted was march 31? bc you decided to use your NEW bf to get onto his old account (which hadnt been active since 2017....) and retweet a vent of mine. I was like "yea no im not gonna have you stalk my twitter through your bf thats ridiculous"

after he retweeted, you went on that posting spree on instagram about how all my stuff was public. So i deleted the tweet he retweeted just to make you happy. It's either leave them public and you shame me for public tweeting, delete them but ur mad that im being fake? or make my account private and now youre mad bc you cant search through my account of 4 years like the gross rat you are

it's funny how you can also post public tweets about me for your followers to see, and when I find out I didnt say shit to you, didnt start drama with you, i took my screenshots and left. then you deleted them..... i bet if someone called you out for it you would pretend you didnt say shit until someone pulled out the screenshots bc that's what you do, you act like you did nothing until somebody proves you wrong w the evidence, then u pretend like "ohh those tweets! Um yea, uh..."

wit yo fake ass you were all our friend, you were in the friend group bc we cared about you, until you dated me on and off over and over, tried to fuck one of our friends after prom, crushed on one of my friends and your coworker, bitched at me if i didnt invite you to hangout.. even if you ween invited, dated me again while also dating someone from discord while also being sneaky with one of your neighbor guys. Calling me a crybaby for being upset about the breakup even tho you vented about your military ex for months and months..... you even went to your online discord friend who was now your ex and told him how shitty my friends and I were for not inviting you to the Halloween party..... funny thing about that... you chose to opt out. You wanted to spend halloween with your new bf, the one in college, but guess what? He left your ass to go to his own party, so after that THEN you changed your mind and wanted to go to OUR party

OUR party, which had maxed out the guest limit. You said you didnt want to go, so you got removed and replaced with somebody else who COULD and WANTED to go. Tough luck. You leave the line at the BMV, you get sent to the back. Thats how it works.

Then u told your discord ex how shitty we all were & made us out to be shitheads bc we "didnt invite u" we did invite you. u chose not to go until it was too late. that was ur fault. not to mention u had been starting drama & being weirdly sexual w ppl in the group at the time

you wanted to fuck my friend after prom despite knowing he was crushing on a girl & wanted to make it work??? Wanted to suck my friend's dick in the back of the culinary room despite knowing he was with another girl? flirting w girls online despite having a partner? disgustang

even now, u JUST got w a new dude & youre already telling people abt the weird shit yall do. Ur sending him to spy on ppl from the friend group. Getting him involved even tho he's really chill & I have no problem w him??? I hated J bc he was w you, I dont wanna hate this guy too

like damn shawty u say im a hypocrite for not lettin u shit talk.... i do let u. Ive caught u saying shit on twitter & insta but Ive never made any posts abt it like u did. i saw what u said on twitter, or even our dms when u call me a crybaby? but i never posted about it like u

i couldve totally taken a screenshot of your immature dm of insults and no actual argument and posted it all over the place, but I didnt. I couldve posted your vents and rants from twitter, your main insta, and your vent insta all over the place, but I never did. Yet you can??

anyway, guarma & colm-odriscoll-is-my-daddy (& friends) think abusive ships are a funny way to get under someone’s skin

JUST FYI: I woulda had this conversation in private, but @guarma keeps calling Erin a bitch with a god-complex, even though everything she accuses Erin of is something I did, and she refuses to acknowledge me. So no more private, she called me a pussy for not confronting her. Well here's the confront ig!

background context: people decided to start shitting on the Yehaw Function server again in another server (let’s say ‘A’ bc I do not wish to drag the owner into this, they were rarely online). @ssupeck21 thought it was perfectly fine to mock the gender and race of a two-spirited native trans guy. nice transphobia and racism there! 

considering i remarked on it, they realized i knew him and suspected me of leaking the above screenshot to the YF server. i had already left this server at the end of february over several reasons, including erin’s server becoming my main one. i’m also reasonably sure i have mentioned no longer being in YF at some point. damage done: kate (guarma) and pongo ( @colm-odriscoll-is-my-daddy ) now think i’m “a spy” for YF. (ironic because @ssupeck21 let @jennyxbeans into erin’s server bc she was spying for jenn. and more irony later)

as proven in DM to someone later (oh no, a spied image?), they had the amazing idea to bait me and erin with something that is a massive trigger for me (bully/victim ships). some weirdness: by that time, i’d only made about 2 b/k posts on my blog, neither of which mentioned my trauma i’m pretty sure. erin meanwhile, wasn’t even in the original convi from the first screenshot, though she has mentioned she finds b/k gross. 

so whilst this in its entirety is already immature in itself (really? you think someone is sending screenshots and wanna get ‘revenge’ when you constantly rely on getting screenshots yourself? yes i know someone leaked you screenshots of YF, kate). but also: for someone who talked about being abused and having anxiety, she should know better than use an abusive ship to get back at someone. because i’m 99% sure she knows b/k is a trigger for me; whilst not on my blog, i have had plenty of rants and vents in servers about how b/k is not good for my mental health and that it will make me panic. 

conversation #1 (i do not have screenshots of this): someone asked what everyone’s ships are in rdr2. bill/kieran gets mentioned, at some point i put rooWut (a disgusted looking emote) and remark something about abusive gay ships being cute to them. it gets glossed over, i leave. 

conversation #2. the conversation moves to the nsfw channel, where they pin the message in the above screenshot. ha ha , bully/victim ships are a funny joke! conversation moves on to arthur and other things until Pongo clearly feels like she wants to force a reaction out of me and/or erin. (living dead girl is erin, i am dan’s achy breaky heart).

at this point, my anxiety spikes and i put something along the lines of “my fist up your ass would look cute” in the vent chat of Erin’s server. NSFW with b/k is not good for me, at all. it made me flashback to something, i’m basically just trying to not have a panic attack. but ! ofc , why stop now. 

pongo makes another comment, now not under a spoiler tag and clearly with the context of the DM to get another reaction out of me. erin puts a completely unrelated image to try and divert the conversation, because i’m like entirely losing it at this point---but kate and pongo think it’s hilarious to talk about actually shipping it and kate (micah bell’s dumb hair in the screenshots) is all “omg i wanna write a smut now for them”. 

also: my nickname in this server includes ‘trans kieran’ at this point , either as just my url or like “lion ♡ trans kieran”. they all know i am a gay trans guy, even if some of them currently like to pretend they don’t know me. (hi, @morlawny who doesn’t even wanna say my name at this point despite being all nice in erin’s server.)

i can’t entirely remember my own message, nor do i have screenshots of it because i send it and left and they deleted it like straight after it seems (because an older screenshot, from the day itself, also didn’t have my message anymore). i left because at that point, i lost all ability to think straight. because someone can remark on b/k before and they’ll still be all “ha ha funny!”

at this point, in erin’s server, two things happen. one friend of kate, who isn’t in the server this happened in, asks if she ships bill/kieran and kate admits her plan to just trigger me. because of this, kate starts acting like the victim and making me out like the bad guy who’s shittalking her and refuses to talk to her--which, during a panic attack and with my feelings very clear, i don’t need to. 

secondly, another friend of kate decides my trauma is funny and starts to send kate (on request) screenshots of the vent conversation in erin’s server, starting from the goddamn my fist up your ass comment. the conversation also includes details of my trauma. my trauma is being send around like gossip. 

also this happens in the server i left and i get send it: 

i dunno what planet anyone is living on but, apparently my melt down was only good for one thing: getting mocked. “kieran’s coochie” is transphobic as fuck when you’re laughing at a trans guy getting upset over bill/kieran. especially when it’s very clear i hc kieran as trans. yet, pongo, wolfy ( @soulheartthewolf ) and kate seem to think it’s fucking hilarious. 

kate and pongo then try to play the “we were just joking!” card. when everyone i’ve had read those screenshots agrees nothing about it reads as a joke, and we’re now very sure they weren’t joking about, they were being vile and malicious. (but hey, what’s to expect from someone who says they’d fuck a fictional racist if he was real! that’s ... excusing racism, kate).  

(guarma is micah bell? you mean my husband ;; pongo is arthur morgan is an incel. the other person is the artist who drew young micah, idk their url anymore)

“my mocking of the Bill/Kieran ship” I’m so sorry, Kate, but nothing about nsfw b/k and wanting to write a fic about it, reads as mocking. This entire “it’s just a joke!” doesn’t diminish the fact that you triggered a panic attack. Yes, I shittalked you, because I felt like it was goddamn deserved for "joking” about an abusive ship in a way that didn’t read as a joke. because after I left neither of you got the damn hint and just went straight for the transphobia. It’s not get together and hate guarma, it’s “lion has a panic attack and will actually react insanely aggressively about the things that upset him”. You can turn and twist this into you being the victim all you want, but you ain’t. You’re a pathetic example of a 19 year old who thinks it’s funny to trigger flashbacks and panic attacks. I didn’t talk to you, because at the time the only thing I would’ve probably said, which is also what I’m saying now, is: go shove an entire cactus up your ass, you pathetic cunt of a human being. 

Leave Erin out of this, it’s goddamn hilarious you keep going after a cis bi woman instead of after me, a gay trans guy, and god I fucking wonder why. 

You interact with people who think they can just be racist and transphobic towards anyone they like ( @ssupeck21 ), with people who’ll willing send you all the screenshots you want, with people who send anon hate ( @jennyxbeans ), you’re treating trauma and abuse like a joke and then have the gal to be all “i’d never because i have anxiety!” No. Own up to your shit. 

(I could go on in this post about how she’s just as bad a shittalking, leaked screenshot-wanting piece of shit but hey, the post is very long already so whatever). 

edit: i have deleted screenshot leaking accusations towards morlawny bc i can’t actually prove them but i’m keeping up the thing where you decided to be all nice to me in servers, but then turned around and were all “idk kate didn’t say any of that” (i literally know u were there for those conversations, your name in screenshots!) and tried to defend her constantly in a DM with someone. 

Which Beyblade Burst bey avatar do you think is the coolest?

Ohh man, my heart says Wyvern just because that’s my favourite and it looks so sleek tbh, but it’s actually a tough draw between Wild Wyvern, Lost Longinus, Ark Bahamut, and Hell Salamander, bahaha. I’d probably have a different answer out of those four depending on which day you ask me lmao

I love so many of the bey spirits that it’s ridiculously hard to pick an absolute favourite tbh xdcfvcfdcfhb almost all of them have like, SOMETHING Weird and Unique about them that’s A+++

Like:

Wild Wyvern has a flame pattern on its wing membrane, and the cone-shaped thing in the middle of it’s head that’s spraying fire out looks almost mechanical instead of organic somehow? idk what that shape is reminding me of specifically, maybe some kind of engine or exhaust vent

Lost Longinus has a flaming blue mohawk that matches Lui’s hair and that was like the best thing ever, also there are those glowing blue stripes/indentations on its legs and between the scales of its neck/chest that may or may not indicate that the insides of this dragon are glowing bright blue like it’s full of that fire, and just. Name origin. “Longinus” is the name of the guy who stabbed Jesus with a spear. Hence Lost Longinus’s tail spear. Lost Longinus is like, a dragon-ified biblical weapon. Does this imply that Shuu is Beyblade Jesus??

Ark Bahamut’s wings – aside from the membranes being weird iridescent scaly things that may be entirely illusory and made of light rather than actual flesh, which is Fucking Cool by itself – sort of…twist open in a grotesque way? Like, the wing fingers are twirled together like twizzlers before they open up, and they look briefly almost like DNA helixes while they’re peeling open, before the shiny membrane things materialize. You can see the flesh pulling apart like putty. I was going frame-by-frame through the animation for Art Reasons when I noticed it and I was like yooooooo

Hell Salamander just looks really cool. It’s made of hot pink fire/lava and its black scales/armor/whatever look almost like leather biker gear or something [not to mention, they match Suoh’s coat, which also seems to be leather sxdcfdcf], and the white scales/armor/whatever look like they’re made out of bone [its got claws and horns that are the same colour, made of the same stuff]. So, like…Ghost Rider Dragon. Also I appreciate how Salamander came to exist in the anime, and how it promptly burned a scribble into Suoh’s face as thanks for being created hgfdssdffghgf She’s So Dramatic

Screencaps to show what I’m talking about bc I’m bad at words:

Wyvern’s fire tattoos [last section of wing, near the edge]:

Bahamut’s wings:

And many Honorable Mentions under the cut because All Bey Spirits Are Cool:

Valkyrie has six eyes for no reason at all except to look cool, and is also two bey spirits in one bey because horse dcfvcfvhgb [gee Valt, how come your mom lets you have TWO bitbeasts??]

Storm Spriggan has Wolverine claws on the gauntlets on its arms, also for no reason at all except to look cool bc Spriggan already has Actual Claws too dfgcdfggh

Legend Spriggan looks Especially Cool when it does the thing where the black spiky parts of its wings are interlocked together, and then they open up

Spriggan Requiem has an AXE

Ragnaruk looks a little like Baphomet

Deathscyther has BATS. It summons a swarm of BATS when it comes out. Also just, everything else is cool too lmao it’s the grim reaper except dressed for a blacklight rave party

Kaiser Kerbeus has SCALES like a DRAGON and also wears an eyepatch. A Good Boy all around.

Hazard Kerbeus is uhhhhhhh some kind of radioactive mutated creature and he is also a Good Boy sxdcfvdfh

Multiple parts of Zeus’s body are made of what look like plasma balls. Y'know, those desktop toys that put on a cool light show and react to your fingertips when you touch em.

Unicorn would not look out of place in Robot Unicorn Attack

Yggdrasil has fucking plasma cannons

Quetzalcoatl has what appear to be stitches on the sides of its mouth [again, I was going through the animation frame-by-frame for Art Reasons lmao] and KNIVES ON THE TIPS OF ITS WINGS. Also it’s got a hood like a cobra but its body is flat like a Chrysopelea flying snake [they flatten their bodies out to catch air and “glide” around up in the trees] and if that was an intentional design choice then it’s a Really Nice Touch bc Quetzalcoatl is Quite Literally A Flying Snake lmao

Jormungand has TWO HEADS and NO EYES and that is amazing

Kreis Satan is SATAN, TRAPPED IN A PLASTIC TOP. He has claws on his wings, and carries a bright blue-and-yellow plastic fork. Lucifer is on vacation from Hell and decided this was more interesting than screwing around in Los Angeles or playing the fiddle in Georgia and he was right and I respect him.

Drain Fafnir has TWELVE EYES. TWELVE OF THEM. Three sets on its face, three sets on its chest. Faf, donate some of those eyes to Jormungand. ALSO I need to say I really love Fafnir even if it’s not quite one of my favourite designs because Requiem Nightmare Faf tried to fucking vore Shuu once and that was the funniest goddamn thing ever asxdcfcxdf

Geist Fafnir has a bright purple mouth. Love it.

Deep Chaos is made out of gnarled, twisted flesh and is evidently hollow inside, judging by its weird tentacle hands. Clio and his pet eldritch abomination needed VASTLY more screentime tbh.

Alter Chronos exists precisely at the crossroads of steampunk and technopunk and if that’s not one of the Best Aesthetics Ever then idk what is

Beat Kukulcan is made of plasma compressed into the vague shape of a bird, and then dressed up for the circus. All hail Clown King Kurz and his majestic bitbeast that will summon an instant blue-lighting thunderstorm if you piss him off. Easily one of the best tbh – if Wild Wyvern, Lost Longinus, Ark Bahamut, and Hell Salamander are my Top 4, then Beat Kukulcan is in the Top 5.

Twin Nemesis has a hammer that appears to be made out of raw flesh and teeth.

Z Achilles’ looks like one of those action figures made out of cheap bright plastic and his helmet looks like a pompadour shaped like an upside-down A. Somebody make me a Z Achilles action figure and take my fucking money.

Emperor Forneus is a SHARK MADE OUT OF KNIVES. KNIFESHARK. HOLY FUCK.

Bloody Longinus just looks Good, idk. Took a page from Salamander’s book and seems to be wearing BONE ARMOR, also trying to compete with Drain Fafnir for Number Of Eyeballs On Body. Got two sets of eyes on face. Got a set of eyes on each wing, set in weird bird-skull-looking things. Got a set of eyes on each arm, set in DRAGON-SKULL-SHAPED ARMOR PLATES. Now Longinus, too, has TWELVE EYBALLS. TWELVE OF THEM.

Leopard is a dragoncat made out of knives and teeth and it will shoot ball lightning at you

Revive Phoenix is a Giant Fucking Fireball compressed into the vague shape of a bird, and that Extra Intense Bright Light in the middle of its body is Concerning because it makes it look like rP is building up to Literally Fucking Explode At Any Moment. Also the Bird-Shaped Fireball turns an evil pretty purple colour sometimes and that’s great.

Dead Hades is just COOL. YOOOOOO it’s some kind of insectoid creature judging by the six segmented bug legs, and that billowy brown cloak thing it’s wearing might actually be a couple of sets of tattered leathery wings. This fantastically horrifying creature was taken from us too soon, rip.

Orb Egis is a floating scorpion-tailed hydra with necks made out of rainbow holo plasma ig. It’s…*single tear* so beautiful………

Dead Phoenix makes me SO MAD because it SHOULD NOT EXIST but it looks SO FUCKING BADASS. It’s everything rP was except 500% more Goth and Metal now. hhhhhhhh

August 10, 2.04 am

Fun thing about ptsd is that my brain protects itself from things, until it doesn’t. A lot has happened recently and I went numb for actual weeks, and I just had a tiny moment where I felt a tiny emotion and suddenly every emotion just rushed into the crack so quickly I had a panic attack.

Lost one of my friends. Out of everyone I’m friends with she’s the one I’d expect it from, she’s the one who’s problematic enough on her own that I honestly didn’t feel anything but rage at what happened. Then I felt nothing, and I felt a little weird and bad for it but it was more important how my friends were feeling anyway. The drama is between my best friend and her, so I’m just here being pissed because my best friend is my person and I’m wildly overprotective of her. But my other friend is like the ex-friend’s person, so it’s awkward bc she’s going to keep being friends with all of us and she just wants us to work it out. She talked to me about it yesterday and I’ve just been thinking about it ever since. The first thing I did when the drama happened was remove her from social media everywhere so she can’t contact me without it being a “request” so that I can choose whether or not I engage. Thinking back I’m just beating myself up because I’m so used to dealing with drama that I never stopped to think if that was the best idea in this situation. And it’s not like I’m super excited or ready or willing to let her even a tiny bit back into my life, but in all honesty everything I feel towards her regards what happens with my best friend, so if they work things out I’ll still have removed her everywhere. I guess I got so used to losing friends and everything being impermanent that it took me this long to realize the friends I’m losing now are the ones I’d started to consider family.

I’m pissed at her, a part of me hates her, a part of me never wants to even look at her face again, but it hurts. It’s just this nagging ache that I felt when I realized that she was my family for awhile and I just shattered a part of my family since she’ll always be around as long as my other friend is. And that ache is what let in all of my other feelings as something besides my numb depressed state.

My mom had someone she loved die today and threw herself into a dinner with my dads shitty fucking family right after. They condescended her because that’s what they do, they condescended me because they think she doesn’t know how to raise me, and honestly I just hate being around them and it was in the house I grew up in and it was just really uncomfortable. Not to mention that my dad exists to make me miserable. But my mom thought things were going really well and she was actually feeling great when we went home, only to find that my cousin posted the picture she took while my mom watched her take it, and tagged everyone in it except my mom. And it made my mom upset and excluded and all of those feelings which made me really upset bc no one gets to ever fucking make my mother feel that way. She deserves better. Quite honestly, I deserve better, but I don’t care enough about myself for that.

My two best friends in the entire world deserve better too. The one I talked about earlier has a lot of dumb family drama and it’s been a hell of a lot worse lately, and there’s nothing real I can do to help her besides talk about how nice it’ll be when we have an apartment together. It’s not very reassuring since I don’t even have a job yet. And her birthday is coming soon and her family is just remaining shitty as if she’s not about to turn eighteen which should be huge and exciting. And my other best friend goes through a lot and I just can only help her so much through text but she lives in another country so there’s literally nothing more I can do to help her. It’s the worst feeling in the world, to want to fix something or help someone and literally being unable to do it.

I’m really lonely. I still haven’t told my mom about my ptsd and I’ve kind of been closed off because I don’t want to tell her anymore. My best friend lives in another country, my other has a job, and my only other real friend now is moving into a dorm soon. Those are my people and they’re amazing people and I love them with everything in me but it’s just like, there’s something missing. I guess I was really in love with this guy that broke my heart and it’s not even him anymore, it’s just that I miss that feeling. I’m tired of being alone. And almost all of my trauma is from my ex, so being in a healthy relationship is literally the only thing that works best to heal and shit bc it replaces the bad memories with good ones. My therapist says if I do that enough it should blot them out a lot, and it’s worked so fucking well with my friends that I’m just dying for it to happen romantically. I’ve been having more flashbacks and nightmares again bc my ex is back in town and it’s just looming over my head. And just bc all of my mental health is getting worse. And I have a lot of methods to cope now that are helping, but there was something about my recent ex that just helped. Like, I had a flashback once and he wrapped his arm around me and that was all it took to calm me down. It was just the feeling of being with someone in that way that was safe and comfortable and it was something I’d never felt before and idk if I’m a junkie for it or if I miss it or what but I don’t know how to really get better without that happening. And it’s going to take so much time for that to actually be able to happen again and it’s just killing me ig. I’ve also jumped into this self destructive state where I’ve convinced myself that I want or even need to see my ex again for like closure or some bullshit, as if I don’t know the fucking panic I would go through even if we stayed forty feet away from each other the entire time.

My life has gotten so quiet and depressed recently that I’ve stopped listening to music most of the time, which is like ridiculously sad. And concerning. Music is literally the thing in this world that means the most to me that I care the most about and I just don’t fucking care about it right now. I don’t feel like I have the mental energy. I have no idea why or what’s wrong with me but you know what? It’s terrifying me.

I’ve been drowning all of my problems in fanfiction like nobody’s business. It’s wildly problematic bc I’m burying my feelings, I’m not doing anything bc on the days I don’t read all day I’m sleeping all day bc I read all night. I haven’t written anything for my novel in a month now and I’m very aware of it but I couldn’t be bothered to work on it, which is bad bc I’m about two weeks away from missing my second goal for it and I’ll beat myself up a lot once I start having feelings again. (Funnily enough I’m going numb again now that I’m getting all of my emotions out here.) I’ve deadass cancelled plans with myself and other people to read the fanfiction. And like it’s great fucking fanfiction but it’s getting far passed even the term unhealthy. In fact, I literally started crying during my panic attack earlier because I’d convinced myself Wade Wilson was so real that when reality hit I couldn’t handle it. It’s like I was using Wade comforting Peter (Parker, its Spideypool) as my own emotional comfort in that kind of relationship way I’ve been missing. And even knowing he’s not real I’ve been taking a lot of comfort knowing he would beat the shit out of my ex if he ever met him. But yeah I’ve been channeling myself through their relationship and living through it and it’s been one of my most incredible acts of escapism yet, and then I realized I don’t actually have someone to hold me when I break and reality crashed onto me so much fucking harder. And I think it’s also that I know Wade’s character enough to trust him and so I’ve become a fictional characters emotional leech and I let it get so intense unintentionally that I literally couldn’t handle the reality that didn’t have him in it. This kind of makes me sound crazy lmao. Funnily enough, I used to have breakdowns like this a lot whenever I got way too into my escapism. But usually it was just a lot of sadness - the only other time I had one at this level was when I started to realize that my entire fantasy universe wasn’t going to come to life when I grew up. Basically, I had a very intense childhood but like fuck i was lonely back then and I guess I must be that lonely now. At least this time I’m creating fake significant others instead of having only imaginary friends.

My therapist and I haven’t been able to meet much over the summer and it’s been enough for me to pull back and make my issues seem better than they are, which is probably a lot of the reason I’m suddenly a fucking mess. Luckily for me, she’s gone this week so I won’t get to see her 🙃. But anyway, I think I got everything out and I definitely feel like this helped. I needed to vent in a way I haven’t done in a while. I’ve also been being misgendered a LOT on my recent trips and it’s all by family which affects me worse bc they know my identity and don’t work to correct themselves. So that’s not helping. And it might be almost 3 am now but I’m definitely diving straight back into fanfiction for awhile longer before going to bed. I can admit I’ve taken it way over the top but escapism is my bitch for a reason and I’m not giving up on it now. I think I am gonna try to make some sort of note for my therapist so that I don’t keep talking about my issues like they’re better than they are. I always do it but with her it’s a problem lmao. Oh, I’m also avoiding sleep tonight bc I don’t want nightmares. So there’s that gem. I turn 18 in 15 days and I’ve stopped making plans bc I literally don’t care anymore. Taking stock on the things I’ve stopped caring about, I’m literally a huge fucking mess and I didn’t even realize. Oh! And I’ve also started having a lot of self esteem issues bc it’s hot outside and my stretch marks on my thighs show with my shorts on. That hasn’t been a problem for me in years.

Anyway, I think I’m finally done now. I seriously doubt anyone read all the way through this long ass vent, but on the off chance that you did, thank you for your time. I really appreciate it. I hope you’re having a better time than I am, you deserve all of the good things and I hope you’re getting all of them and more. Please have a good morning, day, or night. Stay hydrated and do something nice for yourself bc you deserve it! All my love 💕

Chris xx