Tumgik
#idk how active i'll be on there but who knows
brightlypainted · 2 days
Text
I went completely bananas and wrote a full analysis of Joker Out and JO fandom stuff and situation... idk
Hi baby boos!
Tumblr media
I’ve seen some confusion regarding JO’s latest announcements and social media activity (or lack thereof) so I've tried to analyze the current situation with a critical eye 🤓
I don't use Tumblr much so you're probably more familiar with my Twitter but I got suggested to post this here for easier reading (and... better audience in general 👀)
Long rant under the cut:
Before I begin I must point out that these are my opinions and theories. I have no idea how JO’s communication and management is being organized right now, I’m just making assumptions based on my perception as a fan 🤷‍♀️
Tumblr media
(also I’m a communication graduate but my studies and current job cover this sector only tangentially so I may not know how some/most of this works…)
Let’s start with comparing last year’s situation to the current one: one year ago the boys were riding high on the wave of enthusiasm, having had a successful ESC (despite the ending placement) and having gained a lot of attention as fan favorite competitors ✨
Tumblr media
A very high % of the growing fanbase, esp the international one, was coming directly or tangentially through ESC and how do you maintain that attention once the contest is over? you increase your social media presence and you start planning international concerts. which they did!
This constant exposure to content made the fandom flourish: we were all witnessing how easily people from everywhere could join and already feel at the very center of attention, both because JO’s communication was being very active and successful and also thanks to fanmade organizations like JokerOutSubs, group chats, old time Slovenian fans sharing juicy pre-ESC content, etc. I'll be grateful forever
Tumblr media
We had a past year that could be divided into 2 halves in terms of communication: it all went extremely well until more or less the end of 2023 (last tour dates in Spain) and then started gradually becoming very odd and chaotic all through 2024 until last month’s complete draught
Tumblr media
We know that they mostly tend to manage their online presence on their own, so ofc during breaks and during very busy times is harder for them to find good content to share. They had also been very clear about needing time off their phones all through the London era and the album recording in Hamburg, so that didn’t come as a surprise for fans 🤷‍♀️
But having very sensible, personal reasons to quit/decrease social media presence has unfortunately no meaning in communication, where the laws are very simple: once you stop sharing, you stop existing
Tumblr media
I don’t want to criticize their choices, because they are entitled to their privacy and offline time. I’m just pointing out that this very long, hiccup-y period probably could have been avoided with better management and with the presence of a smm/pre-planned sm communication 🙃
Tumblr media
It also unfortunately happened concurrently to the new ESC season, which was bound to “organically” erode part of the fandom anyway, and to an EU tour that, although successful, has still highlighted a lazy/bad management and yet again a communication that made little to no sense at times (es. the whole campaign that subtly asked people to go to more than one concert, which clearly made fans with less financial and logistical possibilities feel ‘lacking’ and ‘inferior’) 🙄
In their defense, the tour was to establish a fanbase more than gaining more fans and exposure, so pushing for getting more of a loyal than an occasional fanbase wasn’t completely wrong an idea… it just backfired
Tumblr media
And it did because the greatest part of their international fanbase is made of very young people who aren’t financially independent and whose interests are bound to be fleeting and shifting ESPECIALLY when they aren’t constantly met with content production/consumption
Tumblr media
Let’s also not forget that having completely shifted their attention to international waters at the expense of the Slovenian/regional fanbase has been very risky. We still can’t tell if the gamble was successful or not
Tumblr media
It’s never a good idea to ignore/neglect your hardcore supporters, the very people that helped you raise to your current standards. it’s true they are the most loyal, but they are also very easily the ones that could feel more betrayed
Tumblr media
I also think it’s very risky trying to shift the fans’ content consumption out of social media and into a (controlled, easier to manage, ofc) site like Openstage for two main reasons: as said before, complete disappearance from socials means communicational suicide and until now, the “dedicated content” directed toward fans on the site has been… too bland and generic (sorry)(they can learn how to improve that)
Tumblr media
Openstage has other very interesting uses tho, firstly the early access to ticket sales and secondly the tracking of international fan presence, which was pretty clearly the main goal and reason why they opened the site in the first place... so it’s not ex ante a bad communication choice, just (until now) one that has yet to show its potential and usefulness
Tumblr media
So what now? I think it’s time they make a few considerations and sensible choices to maintain what’s currently the status quo and in order to tackle festival season in the best way
Tumblr media
They need to keep their international presence by opening their fanbase to a new kind of fans: festivals bring exposure to bands from a very specific type of fanbase, more interested in music than in contents. If they manage to capture the interest of Sziget people, for example, they could gather a new type of international fanbase less interested in the “social media” content consumption and more in the “I wanna see these guys play again, somewhere else, maybe a show of their own” way
(which, to be completely fair, could be the best choice to cure their current crazy/shifting/confusing fanbase state, giving them more peace of mind, more privacy and a more “normal” rock band experience than the one they had in the past year… that we can all agree has been pretty bad at times)
Tumblr media
I personally think this summer season must go in the quantity direction (gaining more new fans) and at the same time in the quality direction (less shows, bigger stages) and this is why some of you are disappointed in seeing so little shows compared to last year or to the SYS tour... I get it
Many of us, me included, won’t be seeing JO live for the whole summer season, and I’m aware that is disappointing, but I hope this analysis has helped you put things into perspective and consider maybe one of the possible reasons why this next phase for Joker Out is being organized this way
I’m still hoping they’ll find a good compromise with their social media communication, because right now I really feel that being the main issue with the gradual but constant drop in traction (please boys hire a smm. i adore jan’s sad edits and the unhinged video and stories like the next person but serious work has to be done too)
Tumblr media
Ending the rant on a note of hope: I wish to see you all enjoy the summer and the content to come and I hope for the boys to have a successful, fun season full of new experiences, new music, new people, fresh ideas for the future. I’m honestly very excited for what’s to come! 🌻
49 notes · View notes
wonryllis · 2 days
Note
Give your moots tropes they suit!
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
、ㅤ🎬 ⋆ ࣪ 午 MOOTS AS TROPES ᵎᵎ
so i already did this with a few of my mutuals HERE, and hence i'll only do those who i haven't done and those who i have talked to at least a couple of times. ( MUTUALS )
Tumblr media
@jaylaxies co workers to lovers au like a chem prof and eng prof having beef that the entire college knows of and suddenly they start seeing each other differently and and appreciating their differences (like their personality and style of teaching and the way they think etc yk) students are flabbergasted when they announce their relationship AFTER being accidentally discovered by someone lol.
@alvojake college au with a project partners to friends to lovers trope where they both think the other is boring but quickly are proven wrong when enjoy the time together more than expected and then going on 'hangouts' after the project is over, just the two of them and then denying feelings for the longest time sigh.
@sserasin crushing on crush's crush and then getting successful trope if that's a thing. like going to a hangout with a bunch of friends at an amusement park or something very active and coming across her crush's crush and totally getting why and then finding it hard not to fall but at the end of the day her crush is changed and now it's like a competition.
@pockettwinzz legit like legit stalker x celeb, i married my anti fan au but reverse like i married my die hard fan? hazel being famous for supporting the celeb but like not in a creepy way and loving them while heartedly and then suddenly something happens and the celeb has to work with hazel's company for something and the celeb requests to be assisted by hazel for everything and that's how the story starts!!
@hooniehon classic airport crush turned fling you never seen again but boom you find them in your vacay hotel and they work as the bartender there. claire going to some exotic place, alone, for a work trip(surprisingly) returning to the hotel early evening after a meeting and then going out to the bar near the pool and finding that same airport crush bartending and then they talk the entire night and—
@pprodsuga idk if this because of the jay lawyer au but .. lawyer x lawyer and add a whole lot of comedy because they're kinda frenemies, basically eawyw choi suyeon and kwon minwoo ahhh!!! rivalry as coworkers and denying feelings because no way you like that person and then getting drunk and confessing josie pie is so suyeon and minwoo coded it's insane!
@koishua i did this for you on my previous account but this now my perspective has changed.. ahem ahem so found family in a romantic love setting au like just finding your person, your home and everything you have ever wanted to have to feel alive in your lover. fluffy little moments that means so much and evoke a range of emotions vie never expected.
@eeunoia popular girl with her nerd bestfriend turned fake date turned real lover trope. psyche tried of all the fans hovering around her and asking to go out with her, begs the bestfriend to fake date her for a few months, pda in the corridors and the cafeteria and uni festival and just everywhere anyone is that they don't even realize when it's not longer an act anymore.
@leaderwon classic classmates to lovers trope, but like new classmates yk. staring at each other on the very first day and being like oh they're good-looking! and taking more notice of each other as the days pass by and they talk between classes and sit together during lunch but it's slow burn and then high school comes to an end and they part ways but hit it off after a reunion years later.
@tyunni ta x student trope (they're same age!!) can totally see may being a worldclass genius, top of her class, loved by profs and then in comes the love interest who's just changed classes and can't for the love of god get a single thing inside their head. so every tuesday and thursday may gives lessons and they slowly fall in love..
@jjunae childhood best friend but then turned enemies and then fling .. things happen and like no matter how hard they try something just keeps coming in the way and like by the time they are together they're too old kinda the 'love rosie' movie.
@lheebra a coming of age au with a summer fling somewhere in europe, a 'float' movie au like dani taking a break from lawschool and going on a month long trip to somewhere small and cozy and then falling for this cute guy in the town who shows her around and everything.
@fakeuwus kinda like an "if i stay" au. period. nic getting into an accident and falling into coma where her soul is having an out of body experience and everyone around just wants her to stay but she does not feel like it until, that person that makes her see things differently that makes her want to live and that makes her want to try. crying.
@lilyuwon chaebol heir with the hardworking intern at their family's company. i can also imagine yev as the hardworking intern always scolding the heir about not trying anything because everything will eventually be given to them. and also yev being a bratty nepo baby heir who annoys the hell out of the intern because she's bored.
@sainns college au but sports rivals. captain of two different teams and always bickering about and everything. always fighting in the corridors about who's the better one and throwing glares before getting on their bus for the tournament but texting each other encouraging messages the night before the match and even going to support secretly.
@stwrjvke this is everything, maid of honor x best man trope. you can't tell me it's not ash like them both preparing for the wedding while bickering their asses off and then on the wedding day they bawl their eyes out watching their friends get married and then after the marriage is over part ways albeit with feelings grown and then meet years later somewhere and hit it off.
@intromortal new clumsy secretary with a supernatural being boss? like nia getting a job at a fashion editorial or something and the boss turns out to be a vampire or like a demon or incubus or something and nia accidentally finds it out and now she can't be allowed to quit because she knows and that secret brings them closer and closer ..
@glitterjay omg omg listen basketball captain x cheerleader au. absolutely can see sea being that pretty cheerleader that rolls her eyes at the captain and that's what makes her so attractive and worth chasing. and they have this thing of fooling around the lockers and the bleachers before and after match but the commitment.. ?
@kareyuns this is absolutely not because you live i hawaii .. actually it is so like love triangle between tour guide and her friend and the tourist. mimi taking up a summer job as a tour guide and being assigned to a backpacker who randomly chose the place and showing them around and her friend getting jealous by the amount of time she spends away because that's basically dates. and then the backpacker decides to stay longer and the rivalry for mimi omg.
@theyluvvaubery idk why but like a royal au, but set in modern day with her being the next in line to the throne and the love interest being someone of a lower rank and they struggle to be together. sneaking around at first and then being separated and then eloping away.
40 notes · View notes
feralferretxp · 4 months
Text
Ayo I got Twitter now guys ✌️
Feel free to follow
2 notes · View notes
lunarharp · 1 year
Photo
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
scribbly first date type affair (continuation of my modern au stuff)
#witch hat tag#orufrey#idk when the next modern au thing will be so i'll just post this by itself. hehe#that art was one of qifrey's first drawings. it was of a creepy eye. (it was around the time he got glasses as a kid)#(and was told that he might lose his sight completely one day so he became an emo because he already wanted to be an artist#like beldaruit who ran his foster home where he encouraged kids to draw art to express their feelings.)#and an insidious deviantart group called The Brimhats idk stole it & reposted it. he never got to the bottom of who exactly did it.#but one day. they will fucking suffer.#(he believes their goal was to develop AI art as they said stuff like 'all art should belong to everyone anyway' & 'there shouldnt be rules'#but actually they were probably just regular mean ppl who have moved on to new things in life than stealing kids' art on deviantart.#who knows though.) i want people to retain their disabilities or general tragedies like beldaruit would be in a wheelchair#and coco's mum is in a coma. but its just so funny if qifrey just has regular bad eyesight#and it's so cute that he would say he doesnt think of beldaruit as a dad & is distant with him but now basically runs a foster home too#where he doesnt just encourage like he was encouraged but actively teaches kids from sad backgrounds to become wonderful artists one day#anyway i am so fucking hungry now goodbye#P.S. BELDARUIT IS NOT OLD !!!!!!! i mean if qifrey is late 20s or older in canon like i want... i guess he..but.... NO !!!!!! 😭#*edits in some follow-up drawings*#oru: i couldn't c-c-confess my feelings bc it always seems like he's worried about something..i shouldnt bother him..#qif: *always worried about how to confess his feelings*#ive decided meeting at 7 on da is kind of ridiculous actually. i think they probably meet at like age 10 in canon..not immediately =_=#since beru-sama is like 'he finally found a friend'. whatever... this'll be my last art post for a while probably so see ya <3
135 notes · View notes
torgawl · 7 months
Text
i keep thinking about how “is this what justice means to you, answer me neuvillette”, despite having been used in a case all those hundred of years ago, was probably a question that haunted - and still haunts - neuvilette during the entire time he has been chief of justice. i keep thinking about how they highlighted his struggles through time with both carole and wriothesley's trials. how guilty and powerless neuvillette must have felt for not being able to support and save those he recognised as vulnerable and victims before a system that corrupted their fates but that he wasn't able to change despite his position. the theme of being a casualty of a system no matter if you're the victim or the perpetrator in its eyes. the way neuvillette took, in both cases, things into his own hands. even if it was too late to fix the hurting carole and those who cared for her went through, even if it was too late to save her life; even if it was impossible to change wriothesley's past, his verdict and subsequent imprisonment; neuvillette went above and beyond, making use of his influence, to allow both melusines and wriothesley the opportunity of a better future - to melusines by making sure they weren't discriminated, to wriothesley by supporting his attempt at a second chance in life. i think part of the reason he's so intriguing is our awareness that this internal conflict he's bound to have is so complex. you have a chief of justice, or a judge, that is supposed to be imparcial and follow the law stictly confronted with situations of social injustice, unable to protect those who rely on him. you have someone who understands better than anyone what it means to be an outcast, being able to relate to those who are ostracised and have their pain weaponise against them. you have, in vautrin's case, a friend who cannot even showcase his own pain and is still expected to fullfil his juridical duties despite being personally related with those involved in the case. someone who people constantly turn to but whom he feels like he has no right to turn to himself. it's about the conflict between his feelings and his duty, between what's expected of him and what he can actually do. i think that's why the end of his story quest is so emotional and why it's so heartwarming to have him realise he isn't an outcast anymore, that he has a community there for him too. because a system is a system and he will probably never be able to save everyone, because yes he isn't human, but it doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to belong or that an active demonstration of love towards individuals and people he can relate to rather than the theoretical concept of humanity isn't meaningful. in fact, i'd it's a lot about that, about finding ways to be kind and how community gives meaning to life; how personal relationships and targeted kindness can shape society, or at least i think so
#i don't know if this makes sense but i like how character's stories in fontaine are interconnected in the perfect way that they're used to#give depth to each other while also existing perfectly independently#i forgot to add navia's story to the post but that's also another scenario used to characterise neuvillette#the same way wriothesley's backstory exists independently but it's also used to give depth into neuvillette's character and his motivations#the same way navia and clorinde's probably will as well#i always headcanoned (is that a verb 😂) neuvillette and wrio's friendship stemming from neuvillette trying to atone to his silence during#wrio's trial. i think it makes sense. i think it probably meant a lot to wrio too to have someone be so trustworthy after everything he#went through the betrayal from his adoptive family and his only aid through his life being the melusines who aren't human#and neuvillette being that sort of comforting older figure especially probably feels familiar to wrio#i have no idea what i'm trying to say actually i have a big headache at the moment and i feel almost delirious but i just love the concept#of neuvillette as a character and i think a lot about his friendship with wriothesley how it began and the grief and guilt neuvillette#probably still carries#but also about how he also gets the chance to a brighter future and how he achieves it so naturally without even realising#how he never expected anything from his compassion even if he saw it as duty and didn't interpret his own kindness as anything other than#his own responsabilty towards others#like idk am i making sense???#he's just so cool 😂#like yeah there's a layer of there's no reason he would have any animotisity towards humans because they're not at fault for the primordial#one's actions but from that to actually actively being so empathetic and compassionate goes a bit of a long way?!#okay i'm over i'll shut up this is probably si confusing i apologise if anyone read this mess shsjhs#this is also influenced by my tbk brainrot because loving others actively is a big theme and i just think that's beautiful actually#genshin thoughts#genshin impact#my post
33 notes · View notes
Text
I really need to go in depth into MK's "smartie kid" arc that starts in 1x10 and is then a consistent thread through the whole show
23 notes · View notes
thetomorrowshow · 1 year
Text
every hand’s a winner
trust au masterlist - previous
I COME BEARING FLUFF.
also a little note: due to personal reasons, i will be stepping away from social media for an unforeseeable amount of time. because of this, fics/updates will be posted once a month on the second tuesday either until i get back or until they run out. for january expect some esh au, and the next part of hubris in february :) additionally, my queue will be posting every other day either until i get back or until my queue runs dry (unlikely, as there are close to 300 posts in it lol).
forget all that, though!!! bc i have some people being happy for you!
cw: blood and injuries
~
Scott goes home that very evening, like most of the other emperors—bar Jimmy, who is slated to stay overnight in the infirmary. They’d tried to keep Scott as well, fussing over his bloody nose and torn skin, but he’d promised to check in with the Rivendell healers at home to make sure time in the Void of the End won’t seriously affect him.
For once in his life, Scott willingly goes to the Rivendell infirmary, leaving with a couple of bandages and instructions to write down any strange symptoms.
The thing is, nobody has ever fallen into the Void before—let alone the one in the End—so there’s no way of knowing what might happen further down the road. Scott’s an anomaly of sorts, and it looks like he’s now the subject of a medical study.
He hasn’t noticed anything apart from a slight lingering dizziness, so he writes that down, feeling somewhat stupid about it being the only symptom he has to report, especially when that could be caused by a myriad of other things. It’s not like he’s never been dizzy before. He practically didn’t stop being dizzy back before he figured out how to sleep.
That night, he luckily doesn’t have to deal with his insomnia—he’s up until the sun rises meeting with various advisory groups: working out the best way to lock down Rivendell whilst still keeping trade routes open, mobilizing the layman army, and deciding how to go forward with various declarations of support for other empires. Within the night, four different ambassadors turn up to arrange an alliance, and Scott knows that his fellow emperors are awake dealing with the same things.
He doesn’t get a moment alone until well into the next day, after he has to send out a formal announcement that his and the Codfather’s betrothal is postponed until after the war (if Jimmy still wants such a relationship, of course). He can tell that many of his advisors don’t necessarily agree with this decision, but they recognize the direness of the situation (and Ilphas, Aeor bless them, defends Scott’s choice with a fervor), and allow the postponement to occur.
It’s past four in the afternoon before he finally has a moment to relax, kicking off his boots and bathing before changing from the travel clothes that he’s been wearing for almost two days straight into something clean. The sight of Jimmy’s robes in the closet next to his almost makes him cry for some reason, but he pushes past them to the back to dig out a pair of hose and a skirt, tucking an embroidered but comfortable tunic into them.
He can’t sleep.
Several months have passed since the torture of fWhip’s basement, his wounds entirely healed, but he can’t quite convince himself he’s safe to sleep alone. He really thought he’d be over it by now.
It’s no use trying, of course—after so many long hours, he doesn’t want to risk a panic attack. Instead, Scott lies in bed and just breathes, trying not to think about all the war preparations that he’s just spent hours making.
He also tries not to think about Jimmy.
That’s a whole other issue to deal with.
For a couple of minutes, he’s able to lie there in peace, shutting down any thought as soon as it breaches his mind.
Then his bedroom door opens.
Scott sits up, ready to reprimand whatever servant is entering—he’s in his private quarters, he could be without his veil—but he’s not meant to have a veil anymore, is he—
It doesn’t matter anyways, because it isn’t a servant at the door.
It’s Jimmy.
“Hey,” Jimmy waves awkwardly, slipping in and shutting the door behind him. “How—how’re you?”
Jimmy looks terrible.
Well, he looks beautiful, as per usual, but his fall through the Void has certainly taken its toll. There are bags under his eyes, his hair greasy and limp, and he walks with an unsteadiness that tells Scott he’s been experiencing the same dizziness. Most notably, his face isn’t bandaged anymore.
It had been hard to see in the End, when Jimmy’s face was pretty fairly just a mess of blood, and impossible to see when there had been bandages plastered on half his face, but it’s clear now that Jimmy’s lost almost all of the scales on his face.
They had run in patches up from his throat to the line of his jaw on both sides, some speckling across his cheeks and a handful clustered around both his mouth and eyes. Scott had always found them gorgeous, little sparkling jewels on his face that truly brought out the flecks of green in his eyes. Now there’s maybe three around his eyes, ten total over the entirety of his face. In place of all the missing scales is torn skin and scabs, blood shining on his jaw from where the scabs have split.
Scott feels a little sick looking at it. Jimmy’s throat is still wrapped in bandages, and he can see some tied around his hands, so he can only guess at how many are missing across the entirety of his body.
He’s not sure why the dressings are gone from his face, but those wounds look ripe for infection. They shouldn’t just be out in the open.
“Jimmy, where have your bandages gone?” he asks instead of replying, swinging out of bed. “You need new ones, come here.”
Jimmy follows him into the washroom that leads off from what was once their joint sitting room, fidgeting nervously with the hem of his sleeves. “They made me take them off at the door,” he explains. “To make sure it’s me, and all. It looks pretty gross, I know.”
“No, it’s not—it’s—I don’t want them getting infected, is all it is,” Scott says absentmindedly, digging through his healing chest for the proper materials. He finds a basket of bandages and a roll of gauze, which he removes and sets to the side. His hands pauses over a regen potion, glancing uncertainly at Jimmy.
Jimmy shakes his head. “No potions, doctor’s orders,” he says. “They’re afraid it won’t . . . grow back right. It’s a wait-and-see thing at the minute.”
Scott passes over the regen and the health potions, landing instead on some disinfectant ointment. He closes the chest and gestures for Jimmy to sit on it, turns away to wash his hands before twisting open the ointment.
Jimmy doesn’t sit still as he applies it, jiggling his knee and wincing and pulling back every time Scott touches him. His injuries must really hurt, then—Scott’s being as gentle as he can, barely touching his cheeks as he rubs the ointment in.
“Sorry,” he murmurs when he cleans a particularly ugly patch and Jimmy actually cries out a bit. Jimmy shakes his head, face twisted into a lopsided grimace.
“It’s fine,” he grits out. “Thanks.”
Well, it’s not as if Scott was going to let Jimmy patch himself up. He’s not sure what he’s getting thanked for.
He finishes up quickly and efficiently, hesitating at his mouth and eyes. The bandages are too blocky to work with the curves there, so he tears one up and uses the pieces to line any awkward spots.
Jimmy really doesn’t look any better once he’s done, covered in so many bits and pieces of bandages that barely any skin is showing. He forces a smile anyhow, shows Jimmy his reflection in the mirror.
Jimmy stares at himself for a long moment. “I’d laugh if I could move my mouth that much,” he comments, and the smile on Scott’s lips becomes just a bit more real. He’s making jokes. That’s got to be good.
Then Jimmy takes one of his hands, and Scott’s heart skips a beat.
“What’s this?”
Scott follows his gaze down to his hands—Scott’s knuckles have similar bandages wrapped around them.
“Same as you,” he says, flexing his wrists. “I escaped with just losing a bit of skin, fortunately.”
Jimmy nods. “Right. Scales—on a fish, perfect protection. Bit weak when you combine it with normal skin. It—it makes sense.”
“And you were in there for longer,” Scott adds. Jimmy shrugs, looking away and down. Every which way, except for back at him.
Scott leads the way back into the sitting room, gestures for Jimmy to take a seat on the sofa (it’s his favorite spot, Scott knows, the velvet of that left cushion still brushed back weird from when he’d been sitting there last). Scott almost sits in his preferred armchair, but makes a last-minute decision to sit beside Jimmy on the sofa.
They’re quiet for a moment, and it isn’t a gentle quiet, nor a comfortable one. It’s awkward, filled with tension, and Scott’s certain they keep looking at each other but never managing to catch one another’s eyes.
He’s got to say something, but all he can think about is Jimmy’s exhausted eyes, love confessions falling from bloodstained lips, impulsive kisses and a slippery grasp on his lover’s bleeding face.
He has to say something.
But Jimmy speaks first.
“I really like you,” Jimmy says, looking away, and Scott takes the moment to gaze at him, truly take in the fatigue lining his face and the droopiness of his eyelids. “I didn’t—I have for a while. Months, really. Ever since . . . I don’t know when. I just—well, I tried, that one time—” he grimaces— “I just . . . I didn’t feel worthy, I suppose, of you. You’re—Scott, you’re so perfect, always all put-together and—and rescue-y and everything, and I’m just . . . me. Gosh, I’m sorry for rambling—I really just meant to say that I like you and—and I kinda hope you like me too.”
Scott blinks.
If his heart flipped when Jimmy took his hand earlier, it’s positively doing cartwheels now.
Jimmy likes him.
And apparently, all that pining was for waste because he could’ve confessed this whole time and Jimmy would’ve reciprocated.
Scott can’t help it: he laughs. Just a little, a giggle that slips out accidentally, but it’s enough that Jimmy freezes and glances over at him, eyes terribly fearful.
Scott waves frantically, pushing closer to him. “No, no—I—I wasn’t laughing at you,” he’s quick to correct. “I was—Jimmy, I’ve liked you for ages, but I was so afraid of you rejecting me that I didn’t dare say anything. Just think what might have happened if we both actually used a bit of logic for once in our lives.”
Jimmy blinks. A surprised laugh bursts out, one that’s quickly stifled as Jimmy winces and covers his mouth. It’s really not funny—it must hurt to laugh, with his face in such a state—but Scott can’t help it. He laughs again, lightly punches Jimmy on the shoulder.
“Don’t laugh,” he reprimands, still laughing himself. “You’ll start bleeding again, and we can’t have that.”
Jimmy clearly can’t help it, his shoulders shaking as he struggles to not even smile. Scott’s smiling too, he’s gazing at Jimmy beside him as he tries not to laugh and. . . .
He’s really in love, huh? Because Jimmy’s always shone like a star, he’s always been so breathtakingly beautiful, but he’s somehow so much more so now that he’s his. Now, Scott gazes at him, wave after wave of glory hitting him like waves of heat from the sun.
He’s in love, and it’s wonderful.
“Um,” Jimmy says after a moment, and Scott realizes that not only is he staring at Jimmy, but Jimmy is staring right back.
“Sorry—” he starts to say, looking down at his hands, but Jimmy interrupts him.
“I actually—I know you’re busy, with . . . with everything going on, and I am too, but if you wanted to just have one night before all that? I’d still like to—to go stargazing with you.”
It’s wartimes. He only has the one night to offer Jimmy, and no promises for the future.
Scott smiles. “I would be honored.”
-
There’s no snow on the ground where they pick to stargaze, a stone shelf in the side of the mountain that Scott’s lain on many times past. He spreads out three blankets on top of one another and leaves a fourth bundled to the side, in case the air gets too chill.
Jimmy splays out immediately, just like how he’s always first in bed—an incredibly intimate thing for Scott to know, and something inside him seems to almost purr at the realization. Jimmy is his, and he is Jimmy’s (at least for tonight).
Scott eases himself down next to him—his lover, Jimmy’s his lover—and, in a split-second decision, shifts a bit closer so that their hips touch.
Jimmy doesn’t move away.
Scott’s heart flips a little.
Exor’s hooves, you’re acting like a teenager, he tells himself. You like him, and he likes you. Just—be normal.
He can’t be normal. There is no way he can be normal.
The world around them has been gradually growing dark the entire time they spent hiking up to here and setting up, and now it’s dark enough that Scott can barely see Jimmy’s face.
He hadn’t been able to see Jimmy’s face then, either.
He’d seen him fall.
Scott had just caught sight of it as he regained his sense of balance from the End portal. He’d looked up to find an unfamiliar island, the world surrounded by the darkness of the void, and on the other side of the island—
Even from that distance, Scott could tell that Jimmy’s fall was the most graceful he’d ever seen.
He spread his wings and took off without a second thought, abandoning the others who followed him through the portal.
He had to try. He had to.
He’d passed fWhip, who was laughing—who tried to grab him—as he went over the edge of the island.
And then, wings pulled tight to his body, nose down, he dove after Jimmy.
“Scott?”
He blinks, looks around. Jimmy’s at his side now, head propped up on his arm. Jimmy quirks an eyebrow, still barely visible. “You good? You kind of zoned out for a second there.”
Scott blinks again, looks up. The stars are starting to twinkle into vision, bright and lively, and Scott almost waves up to them.
Perhaps Jimmy doesn’t know much about elven beliefs, doesn’t know the significance of the stars. He doesn’t know that Scott could point out a dozen or two elven legends and heroes—Gelidrian, Calireth, Alinar. And others, more mundane—his parents, the nurse who had raised him, the palace guard from a mere two decades ago.
Someday, Scott knows he will join them all. Hopefully not any day soon.
“Whoa,” Jimmy whispers. Scott glances over at him, his face illuminated by the exaltation of elves. One of his hands is raised slightly. “They're so close.”
“They really are.”
They watch in silence for a while, more and more bundles of light appearing in the sky. When the entirety of the Stags is visible and bright, Scott points it out, taking Jimmy’s hand (his heart jumps, Jimmy’s his lover) to trace his fingers down the lines of stars.
“That’s the Clash of the Stags,” Scott tells him, tracing it over again. “On the left is Aeor, see His antler?”
“That’s your god, isn’t it?”
“Yes, that’s Aeor.” Scott smiles just a little bit—somehow, every time Jimmy knows something about elven history, it makes him ten times more attractive. “And then below Him and to the right is Exor, His brother.”
Tumblr media
“I’ve heard you say his name before. Is he your god, too?”
Scott can’t help but snort. “No. Exor may be Aeor’s brother, but they don’t get along. Exor was cruel, controlled those under his domain, sacrificed the weak and oppressed the followers of Aeor. Aeor, meanwhile, ruled with kindness and respect, befitting of the last remaining gods.”
“What happened to the others?” Jimmy asks. “There are others, aren’t there?”
“Yes, we believe so. I’m sure you’ve heard Pix mention the Great Slumber?”
Jimmy nods, the movement scrunching up Scott’s sleeve. Jimmy’s so close to him, close enough that Scott can feel his every twitch and breath.
“Aeor and Exor were the only gods not to fall asleep. But when Exor became corrupted, jealous of his brother’s rule, Aeor knew He had to do something about it. So He gathered all His power and wielded it in a mighty battle against Exor—the Clash of the Stags. See how Aeor is kicking Exor down?”
Jimmy nods again. The nerves in Scott’s arm are tingling at his every touch, and he has to take a moment to swallow back the squeak that threatens to break his voice. “Um. Aeor used everything He had to seal Exor and his followers within a mountain forever,” he says, thankfully with no cracks. “Then He withdrew from the people, still hearing their prayers and granting small blessings, but separate from them. He lost much of His power in that fight, and has spent many thousands of years resting and caring for us—as any god should.”
Jimmy’s silent then, and when Scott looks over at him, he’s staring up at the sky, eyes flicking from point to point. Scott doesn’t look away, and while Jimmy’s eyes trace the stars, Scott’s eyes trace Jimmy’s face.
In the dark with the stars as their only light, the raw patches around his mouth and eyes that they hadn’t been able to bandage are invisible. The lines of exhaustion are impossible to see, as are the shadows Scott knows ring his eyes.
Instead, Scott sees the way his nose twitches. He sees long eyelashes that flutter gently. He sees golden hair that’s starting to curl around the gills, long in a way Scott’s never seen it. He sees lips that move soundlessly, lips that are looking more and more kissable by the second.
“There,” Jimmy says, and Scott pulls himself out of his reverie to follow Jimmy’s finger. Scott squints up at the sky as Jimmy traces a triangle shape out of the stars.
“That can be the mountain,” Jimmy says, sounding proud of himself. “The one that Aeor trapped them in. Do you guys know where that mountain is?”
Scott giggles a little—he can’t help it, it has to be a crime to be so cute—and traces along Jimmy’s triangle as well. It’s part of another constellation, he realizes after a moment—the Crystal of Rivendell, made up of stars of rulers who have passed on. “The mountain probably wasn’t real, Jimmy. Rivendell scholars have searched for it for literal ages, and they’ve not found evidence of it yet. Besides, I find it hard to believe that a mountain could entrap a god.”
“It was a magical mountain, you said so,” Jimmy says stubbornly. “Aeor sealed it. And I think it would be a great idea—some mountains are older than the ocean, you know, surely they have some sort of power.”
“Well, when you fight a god, trap him in a mountain and let me know how it goes.”
Jimmy laughs too, then cuts off abruptly as a cold gust of wind blows over them. He shivers, shifts close enough to Scott that he’s practically curled up in Scott’s side, head resting on his shoulder.
Scott’s certain that his heart actually stops.
Which is stupid, because—because they’ve done this before! Almost every morning, Scott wakes up pressed into Jimmy, and it’s fine. Well, it’s nerve-wracking and overwhelming and suffocating, but it’s been weeks since he last blushed and apologized, and much longer since he stopped pretending that Jimmy isn’t a very physically affectionate person. Romantic intentions or not (and now, in retrospect, Scott knows that most of them likely were romantic in some way and isn’t that something), Jimmy hugs him or leans on his shoulder on a near daily basis. This isn’t anything new.
Somehow, though, it’s the strangest sensation he’s ever known.
He’s been quiet for some time, he realizes suddenly, and before he even knows what to say he’s blurting out, “What’s your favorite constellation?”
Jimmy jerks a little bit. “What?”
“I—that’s how it started, isn’t it?” Scott says, and he just knows he’s paler than the stars right now. “You asked me what my favorite constellation is. Which one’s yours?”
Jimmy doesn’t answer immediately, pulling back a bit to gaze up at the stars properly. After a few moments, he takes Scott’s hand (the hairs on his arm stand up) and guides him up, much further to the left than the Stags. There, he traces out a strange shape—almost a lopsided rectangle, but with five sides.
Below it are two stars that are very familiar to Scott, he realizes with a jolt—
Staying up late every night—he’s just a child, he ought to be in bed, but instead he creeps over to the window and looks up at the stars.
His nurse had taught him to make a wish on the point of Aeor’s antler, and if the God was willing, his wish might come true. Scott can’t really remember where it is most of time, but he can always find those two bright stars to wish on—and that way, he would get two wishes!
He wishes twice for himself, or sometimes he uses one for Xornoth, or sometimes he uses one for his parents.
Most of the time, though, he wishes twice for himself—and he wishes for a friend.
Jimmy traces it again, the soft bandages on his knuckles rubbing against Scott’s matching set. “That one. That’s my favorite.”
“What is it?”
Jimmy’s hand falls to his side, almost in slow motion. “I don’t know,” he says, and there’s something wistful in his voice, something terribly sad. “But it feels like home.”
Tumblr media
-
It gets too cold to stargaze, so Scott packs everything up and helps Jimmy back to the palace, flying in through his window so as not to get caught out by the guards.
And sure, it may be the beginning of the end of the world, war hovering over them like the executioner’s axe, but Scott can’t stop giggling. He and Jimmy are sneaking around like teenagers, trying to not be seen as they clamber in through his window. It’s so very cliche that he can’t help but enjoy it, can’t help but be entirely wrapped in the feeling of new love.
They both collapse onto Scott’s bed, both laughing, even though Jimmy’s covering his mouth and wincing like it hurts. He doesn’t stop, though, eyes sparkling as he snickers.
“The funny thing—the funniest part is, it’s not even funny,” Scott gasps out, and it isn’t—he thinks they’re more laughing because of the absurd pressure it is to sneak into a building that you belong in in the first place. It’s more stupid than anything—it would have been just fine to go in through the gates, really, but they’d decided to do it proper just for the fun of it.
Jimmy laughs harder at that, cutting himself off with a small “ouch!”. He presses his sleeve to his mouth for a moment before pulling it away, examining it for any blood. Apparently satisfied, he lets his arm fall and stretches out a bit.
“This was really good, Scott,” Jimmy says after a minute, and dear Aeor, even the way Jimmy says his name. . . .
“Can I kiss you?”
Scott blinks, sits up. Jimmy’s watching him, a blush spreading across what’s visible of his face. He almost looks just as surprised as Scott feels that those words fell from Jimmy’s mouth.
And really, props to Jimmy, because it’s not a bad idea. It’s a very good one, in Scott’s mind.
But they really need to talk about it first, don’t they?
Scott sits up, runs a hand through his hair. “I’d like to apologize, actually. For our first kiss.”
Jimmy frowns. “Yeah, I—it was sensory overload, yeah? I don’t think you need to apologize for that.”
“Wha—when did I say it was sensory overload?”
Jimmy sits up too, scoots along until he’s sitting beside Scott. “Well, I didn’t figure it out until today, actually. I sort of thought you hated me at first, but yesterday, when . . . and then again, earlier. You said—you’ve liked me this whole time, right?”
Scott nods.
“Right. Well, I figured if you did like me back then, you probably wanted to . . . do the whole kiss thing. And it’s really not like you to just run away like that. And I know you get sensory overload real bad sometimes, so. . . .”
Scott slides his hand toward Jimmy’s, loosely tangling their fingers together. It’s a conscious movement, one that sends nerves sparking up and down the very bones of his body.
It’s dangerously close to too much.
Yet it’s everything he’s wanted for so long.
“How about this,” Jimmy continues. “We—we’re . . . courting now, right? Um—that—that’s really nice to say—so how about we always ask first, before a kiss? And stuff like that. That way, neither of us is taken by surprise.”
Thrills go up and down every inch of Scott’s skin when Jimmy says that they’re courting, his breath stolen from his chest. They’re courting. They’re in a committed relationship. Jimmy is his, and he is Jimmy’s, and it’s true because Jimmy said so. It’s real.
“That—that sounds good,” he manages. He takes stock of himself—definitely on-edge, but he can handle one kiss. As long as they make sure it’s just one. And maybe if they do some pressure cuddling afterward.
“Can I kiss you?” Scott asks, his voice almost a whisper. What’s visible of Jimmy’s face under the bandages goes through a series of emotions—anxiety, enthusiasm, warmth, and then settling back on anxiety. He nods, a little uncertainly, and turns to fully face Scott, drawing his legs up criss-cross on the bed.
They’ve kissed three times before, but everything is different about this one.
There’s an awkward sort of lean-in, of course—the first and second times had been sudden, passionate, and the third filled with the thrill of survival. For this, they move slowly, telegraphing each movement carefully—akin to trying not to spook a wild stag, Scott thinks offhandedly.
And then their lips meet.
Scott’s always led kisses in past relationships, his lips slotted above his partner’s, but Jimmy takes the lead here, leaning up a bit to match Scott’s height—and Scott thinks he likes it. His lips are warm, far warmer than Scott’s, and wet, and so very very soft.
It’s not the burning fireworks of their first kisses, but it’s warm like a cozy evening by the fireplace—there are so many nerve endings, he can feel his shoulders start to raise at the overstimulation—and it’s Jimmy and he loves him so much and it’s overwhelming, it’s perfect, it’s underwhelming compared to the first time because Scott knows that Jimmy has very sharp teeth and knows how to use them—
But Jimmy pulls away after just a moment, their lips parting slowly, and offers a small smile. “Good?”
Scott can only manage a squeaky noise in the back of his throat, and Jimmy giggles. The sound is a little bit loud for his sensitive ears.
Scott stands and pulls off his cloak, muttering something about putting on softer clothes before ducking into his walk-in closet. He can hear Jimmy laughing behind him.
Normally Scott would consider himself the smooth one—why is he so uncollected? He can’t even find the words to make any sort of dirty jokes. Jimmy must think something’s wrong.
(And so many things are wrong, of course, but definitely not this.)
He changes into soft pajamas, emerging to find Jimmy having also changed—he’s in a loose shirt and shorts, hair mussed and occasional bandages wrapped around his arms and legs. Luckily—or unluckily, depending on how one looks at it—his face and hands had taken the brunt of the damage, only a couple of patches bandaged on his arms and even fewer on his legs. Jimmy smiles brightly when he sees Scott reenter.
“I sort of assumed I’d be staying the night. You looked overstimulated, do you need anything?”
Scott points to the bed. “Sleep?” he suggests, swallowing half of the word back. Jimmy nods, pulls back the covers.
“Do you want me on top of you?”
Scott can’t help it—he snorts. Jimmy goes totally red, sputtering incoherently.
“I—you know I—Scott!”
“Very forward, Jimmy, and on the first date too—”
“Oh, come off it!” Jimmy shakes his head, sighs, then adds, “We’ve been engaged for a while now; I don’t think it counts as a first date.”
Scott quirks a brow, and this is more familiar, this is how their banter is meant to be, flirtatious and comfortable and not at all awkward. “So you’re saying you’re open to it?”
“You are a menace,” Jimmy tells him, but he’s smiling, and it really does feel like before all of their issues. Except now Jimmy’s actually his, and the awkward dancing around each other in a newfound relationship hasn’t passed, but maybe they can become like this again soon enough.
Scott climbs into bed, turning down the lamp on his way in. He curls on his side, pulling the blankets up to his waist, his wings resting on the cushioned shelf built into his bed for this precise reason.
After a moment, the bed shakes as Jimmy climbs in beside him, then slowly, carefully, rests an arm around Scott’s waist.
“This okay?”
The weight of his arm is heavy and warm, the perfect amount of pressure, and Scott rolls to be fully on his stomach before pressing closer. When his head is up against Jimmy’s chest, and their knees are bumping at every readjustment, he nods.
He can be close to Jimmy. He doesn’t have to be self-conscious about wanting to touch him. He doesn’t have to restrain himself in private, pretend that the physical affection is all for show.
Scott moves one arm up, wrapped under Jimmy’s arm and up his back, and sighs. This is comfortable. This is right. This is real. Their bodies know how to fit together, weeks of practice in their sleep lending subconscious knowledge to Scott as he presses up against his lover, his Jimmy.
This is real, he tells himself, and it’s perfect.
65 notes · View notes
dullahandyke · 6 months
Text
i look at some of u guys talking abt a new show u watched or a new thing u read and im like. holy shit thats a thing u can do. im in awe of u. i spend my time slowly ping-ponging between several interests whose base componants i can never experience because i get scard
#right now its danganronpa again grin. did u know ive been into it on and off for lets say 7 years at this point#and ive never once played it myself. i have it installed on this laptop ready to go and i just! never open it!#because if Im the one playing it then i have to pay attention and i get scared#but if im watching a lets player i just naturally pay attention without the pressure#ive talked before how i always feel i need to have the smart cool takes on shit#n this deep plays into that#idk boti was good for me bcos nobody fucking knew what it was so nobody could judge me for pardoning anotsu's crimes bcos he was hot#so i probs need to do that again#yknow a thing where i disconnect from anything that anyone knows about and get really really into some dipshit manga from 2008#but also like. i get a lot of my media recs from people talking abt what they like#which then means i defacto have someone who is gonna know if my takes are shit#and like even now. im watching mop cycle w dri and im having fun w it#but i feel bad bcos i see so many ppl like This Is The Best Anime Ever and i just like. dont get it#like i can actively feel the messages and shit whooshing over my head#its a fine anime! i'm having fun watching it! but i don't get all the commentary abt pacifism or whatever#idk. something something my need to be The Smart Kid The Bookworm Kid that went unchecked too long without peers to challenge me#so now im here like Uh Oh#and like this wouldnt be the end of the world (save for its impact on my mood n stuff)#but also like. i am an english student. i should know this shit. but i stragiht up do not feel smart enough to sometimes#i keep coasting by on the assumption that im a smart kid and i'll automatically be better than my peers#and im being disproven#i got an english exam back tonight and i got like 63%#and i like college! i just dont like. college.#anywho its approaching 3am and i have a 9am tomorrow morning which means bedtime
11 notes · View notes
magentagalaxies · 28 days
Text
.
#this might be both oversharing and being too vague rn but it's 2am and i'm emotionally exhausted#i can't believe during one of the most traumatic moments i've had in the past year i was lucky enough to have scott as my biggest supporter#the entire time as i was going through it he was so supportive giving me space to process shit and always having my back#and yet there are some people in my life who are always going to villainize him for one comment he said during that time out of context#or even if they're not ''villainizing'' him i now feel like i have to begin every sentence about scott with#''yeah we don't agree on everything but we're still friends and isn't that amazing!''#which yeah that is true and i do genuinely enjoy when scott and i disagree and are respectful about it#BUT WHY DOES THAT HAVE TO BE THE FIRST THING I SAY ABOUT HIM????#and honestly that whole experience made me agree with scott on way more than i started out with#i'm proud of how i was able to grow as a person and for the fact that it brought me and scott much closer together#but that shit i went through at my college was still traumatic. and it did change me as a person#it completely changed my relationship to activism in a way i'm not happy about bc i want to be more of an activist#but when i had someone use social justice language to justify horrible things against me it's hard not to be wary#of how hollow and performative a lot of conversations can be#and like i'll even say it. like people might get mad at me for admitting it#but that whole traumatic situation has irrevocably changed my relationship to gender as well#or at least how i label myself and how i move through these conversations#and in some ways i'm grateful for it bc i do feel like i know myself more and like i don't have to worry about what others' think#or even what other people understand#but it shouldn't have had to go down like that. and as much as the time i got to spend with scott during that time was so much fun#and such a great experience and he was truly the perfect support system during that time#he shouldn't have had to deal with that and neither should i#and the fact that scott somehow got villainized in some people's minds while the person who actually caused that trauma#is instead treated like ''yeah he was a bit misguided and made a mistake but he was probably anxious about it!! he's just a person!!''#that's never going to stop being painful. especially the idea that with the importance people put on labels#i would supposedly have more ''community solidarity'' with that asshole than a cis gay man like scott#idk i think i'm past the timeframe of that traumatic experience bc it's not consuming every day like it used to a few weeks back#but something triggered it tonight so i just need to process it. anyway shoutout to scott for being there for me i really needed it
6 notes · View notes
bixiaoshi · 1 month
Text
Tumblr media
#the more i think abt relationships n having a partner the more convinced i get that i'll never get to experience that loo#lol* for multiple reasons actually#idk i feel like im just not the kind of person ppl would have a crush on you know n for a relationship u need two ppl so#n i feel like that comes directly from the fact that as a teenager no one ever had a crush on me or confessed to me#n like sure relationships aren't everything but not being the person ppl had crushes on during teenager years just. gives u a feeling i#cannot rlly explain you know. the only ppl who understand me is ppl who went through the same as me#n it's so frustrating lol bcs when i want to express how that makes me feel im always hit with 'ohh but you're so pretty' 'but you didn't#miss out much!' 'if you don't look for a relationship it will come!' and it gets so tiring bcs it's always the same over and over!!#like i've never actively looked for a partner n it never came either way!!!!!!!!!! and i'd like to decide if it was worth it or not!!!!!!#idk man being almost 25 and never have been in a relationship did things to me that i don't think i'll ever get over#i convinced myself i'm never gonna get into a relationship to either get those thoughts out of my head or to like prepare myself towards th#future bcs honestly? i just think thats not for me#and it sucks a bit you know? like i'd love to know how it feels to have someone in love with you#i yearn for that but i simply don't think i'm someone ppl fall in love with. never have been and convinced myself i never will#i may delete this but i needed to get it out lol#ppl who never has been in relatiomships n are adults now let's all hold hands 🫴#jo.txt
2 notes · View notes
ehlnofay · 2 months
Text
in the midst of a little depressive episode at the moment I fear and it's causing me to Ponder... in a weird way I'm almost grateful. like this is UNBELIEVABLY better than it used to be, even as much as it sucks in the moment. I wish I could go back to find myself at twelve years old hiding out in the school toilets and tell them that as long as we stick it out for long enough then one day the outsize bad emotions will be triggered by actual definable events and they'll be a noticeable change from our baseline. I'm not ✨recovered✨ and I don't know if I ever will be - I think I might have spent too many developmental years creating terrible patterns and associations to be able to straighten it all out - but it's Better and I'm able to know that it can continue to get better, too. and that's fucking huge.
#fay gets uncomfortably personal on her video game blog. NOT SORRY.#idk it's just crazy to think about#I really struggle to tap into this space enough to remember when I'm not actively in it#but I was SO FUCKING SICK back then. I was a child. and I was so fucking ill. I didn't know how young I was and I didn't realise how#disturbing it would feel down the line#(obviously. you don't lie down on the road in the middle of the night thinking 'I can't wait to suddenly remember this moment#in several years so it can become a sticking point in my psyche')#but like. that's my brother's age that's my sister's age I work with kids that age and it's so fucking young! and I'm so young now!#and I bet in five years I'll be going 'what a small little child... crazy' all over again#but like. idk. I was SO ILL. and I don't think it's like people say they thought they'd be dead by a certain age#it was a possibility for me but not an inevitability#but I don't think that I could have foreseen being better#in such a material way. you know. like I can't imagine myself ever fully healthy#or as close as anyone can get. I've had all this shit for so long. the idea of not carrying it anymore is honestly unappealing#like what would I even do without it. who would I be. how could that possibly happen#but this shit is BELIEVABLE. it's not gone it's just better and when it crops up I can deal#and I wish I could take the me of back then by the shoulders and say THIS IS NOT FOREVER!!!!!!!#ride it out long enough and you'll learn to live with it!!!!!!!!#it's just. really fucking huge. and I am so grateful#peace and love on planet earth!!!!
4 notes · View notes
maddy-ferguson · 5 months
Text
my brother called me for christmas and i didn't recognize him because he has a deep voice now very much felt like killing myself when he said "this is [his name and my little sister's name] btw" at the end of the voicemail
#i was like is this a wrong number is this a prank because it's not particularly funny it's most likely a wrong number because i literally#don't know any random man who would be calling me for christmas#this is crazy#he's 12 and a half. 12 and 3/4 actually. so ig that tracks (yeah) but like#crazy#i haven't seen him or my little sister or my stepmother who isn't my stepmother anymore in 4 years because i HATED going to my dad's it was#the bane of my existence from 2009 to 2019 and i loved my brother and my little sister i loved seeing them but i don't regret the fact that#i stopped going even if it means i no longer have a relationship with them and only talk on our birthdays or i guess on christmas#like it does make me sad and when i considered not going anymore before i actually stopped i always thought about them and about how much i#loved them and i do miss them and hate the fact that idk we were only close for the first 8 years of my brother's life and 6 years of my#little sister's life but at the end of the day...it's like with my dad not having that substantial of a relationship with him (i see him a#few times a year for like a couple hours tops and like we talk but we don't TALK but we're not on bad terms we talk more now than we did#when i went to his house semi-regularly for the weekend) makes me sad but i can just. not think about it. and then i'm not sad lmao. like#yeah i'll have dreams about it (not as much as i used to) because it is a thing that is always going on with me but it's NOTHING compared#to what going there was like like i thought about it SO MUCH it made me SO MISERABLE and like actively miserable this is easier to deal#with. passively miserable. but not recognizing my brother's voice was crazy#i always call my little sister my little sister and i don't say that with my brother because i have another sister and she's ALSO my little#sister but not as little😭 like my sister: my sister who's 18 my little sister: my sister who's 10. my dad forbid us from saying half-#sibling🙏#and like i say: brf slt
4 notes · View notes
musical-chick-13 · 6 months
Text
If people don't get themselves together, it's gonna force me to become a Makima stan, and trust me, that is not a world anyone wants to live in.
3 notes · View notes
gentlethorns · 1 year
Text
fuck dude i have got to find a job where i can be self-employed and creative. i cannot be in fucking retail hell anymore
#she bork#tbd#like now i don't deal w customers which is cool but now that i work at like a big retail store and not a little mall outlet the pressure is#insane. and i have bosses who never say good job or thank you and who have set me up to fail by throwing a department on me that i was not#hired to run or trained for and frankly don't have time to run properly either. so every week just starts w me in our weekly meeting being a#fucking piñata like 'why didn't you get this done 🤨 you need to manage your time better 🤨 you're losing sales 🤨' and i'm like i'm trying!!!!#what more can i do!!!!!! and then the side of it i actually kind of enjoy (which is what i was originally hired to do) is very very hard on#my body bc it's a very physical job (i run the team that unloads the trucks every day and like i'm usually helping unload bc i'm not just#gonna stand there and watch while my team busts their asses lol) and now i'm finding out that it's actually not normal to wake up every day#w your joints screaming and stiff and that i might have a chronic condition (doctor is thinking some sort of chronic inflammatory arthritis#but i won't know if my imaging and blood tests showed anything until like mid-june) and i'm like. so even the part of my job that i don't#mind as much is not good bc it's like actively destroying my body. okay sick 🤠 and i don't wanna quit bc i've only been there for like#eight months and this job would be really valuable on a resume but i don't want it to look like i'm a job hopper or like i'm fickle or#unreliable. so i'm stuck here for a while i think. but the pressure is destroying me mentally and i know i need to find a position somewhere#else that is 1. not fucking goddamn retail bc retail will always be hell and 2. not management bc i don't see myself ever really getting#into upper management but lower/middle management gets shit on the most so if i go somewhere else and end up in middle management i'll be#right back to wanting to kill myself in a matter of months. basically i'm tired of expectations and pressure and stress and i'm tired of#waking up at fucking 2:30 every morning just to go in and get shit on and destroy my body all over something that in the end i do not fuckin#care about. i need to make art and be held accountable by only myself. idk i've been toying w the idea of learning how to tattoo and trying#to start establishing some artistic skill so maybe eventually i can do that? not now bc the economy sucks and that's scary lol and anyway i#have to give myself some time to actually learn the skill and perfect a style. but it makes decent money (at least before the expense of#supplies and taxes) and allows you to travel and still work and also it would be fun. and i could tattoo myself so it would cut some#expenses for me since i cannot stay away from the damn needle. idk lol i need to save some money before i buy a tattoo gun or anything but#i'm considering it bc i am going fucking crazy rn and ik this feeling will leave me eventually but i also know it will come back bc it#always does. and i'm tired of just surviving and just making it through every day and every week like i want to be happy and this is just#not doing it for me anymore#ugh fuck why couldn't i have been born w a brain that likes numbers and code and technology. i love being an artist but it makes finding a#sustainable career really difficult bc i feel so restless and miserable when i'm stuck in a passionless job but my passions are not#particularly profitable. hate it here why wasn't i born a capybara no job no responsibility just squint and squeak and sun
2 notes · View notes
kakusu-shipping · 1 year
Text
I have polls... should I do an F/O bracket or smth. See which of my 90 smth F/Os would come on top in an all out brawl.
4 notes · View notes
tardis--dreams · 1 year
Text
I think it says nothing about me that 98% of my favorite characters are the ones who absolutely do not trust anyone, always consider how bad people can be, rather than how good they can be. The ones who cannot read social cues well, and for whom intimacy, trust, and being comfortable around people is a foreign concept. The ones with childhood trauma who learned to adapt to a world where nothing could be considered to be save and no one could be considered to be trustworthy. The ones who never show their true emotions but if they do they do so violently breaking down. The ones who get treated as outcasts and have accepted this role.
But like i said. That says nothing about me as a person
#not all my faves combine all of these characteristics. but it's a theme. i relate to them. and i love them‚ which is funny#because i really don't like myself at all.#but it explains why i got imprinted on juwon and not dongsik. because i find myself in him#(do Not understand this as 'i like juwon more than dongsik'. i would die for dongsik. it's not about liking him more or anything#can't quite explain it)#and it explains why kang yohan is so very dear to me. despite me really not liking him the first few episodes the first time i watched#how he puts on a show in public and gets awkward around the people he loves and how he expresses his love by letting people hate him#(i love how we have a similar dynamic between gaon and yohan and juwon and dongsik but vice versa. but that's a different topic)#that's why i so very dearly love do hyun soo who got demonized so much throughout his youth he started to believe he wasn't capable of love#who put so much effort into trying to seem normal without realizing he Actually felt So much love the entire time#lee ji-an who doesn't even try to act friendly. who thinks she's a terrible person and cries when told she's actually good#mijeong who feels uncomfortable all the time who doesn't like anyone completely who's exhausted all the time#i have more but I'll leave it at this. i really want to point out every single thing i love about all of them (especially juwon and yohan#)#my heart beats a little faster whenever someone shows interest in me or implies/actively expresses they like me somehow#despite my very obvious lack of social skills. and i feel like I'm tricking them even though i don't usually approach people#but I'm not myself when I'm around people. I've recently started to try to be more me but i know i wouldn't be very likeable#(yeah idk where this is supposed to be going so i better stop. i just. Love these kinds of characters So much okay?!)#shut up amy
6 notes · View notes