#i've ever had to do like it's actually insane
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This redesign page of my Roleshuffle AU Techno has been sitting in my drafts for a while, so let's talk my Techno design! I already have a post discussing why I made him based off an overworld pig, so check that out first if you haven't seen it. I can't really summarize it.
Something I'm doing to show "the voices" getting louder without having to use text is making his pupils get bigger, and potentially have little red glints. I know normally the more insane a character gets, the smaller their pupils gets, but I wanted him to appear a little more animalistic. While the small pupils give a very manic, crazed look, I wanted Techno to look completely focused--almost too focused. As aforementioned, animalistic. I probably won't get to the point of what actual pig eyes look like (fully black with the whites in the back), but I do want to get a similar idea across.
This choice also makes him look less aware of any dialogue going on, which I is something I've been trying to do with "the voices". No thoughts, only Blood For the Blood God.
Also! I swear during a Techno stream he had a skin with a blue sweater. Maybe I dreamed it, because I couldn't find it anywhere, but I distinctly remember his chat teasing him for it, with him responding "It's a sweater!" But I digress. Perhaps I just imagined that.
Below is the original design I had for him, and was one of the first design sheets I did (if not the first ever; I don't particularly remember). I was originally not leaning into such a cartoon-y style, but I really got into that style as I started actually making the comic. (His mildly realistic teeth in that top left image haunts me.)
In other notes, I think either because of the way I did his legs originally or the way I did his head originally (both were a bit elongated), he didn't look short. Part of that is because if you measure out his full-body shot, every portion of him is roughly the same length. I.E. his head is the same length as his torso, and his torso is the same length as the legs. If you take any character design course, one of the things they'll probably note is that for unique character designs, it's a good idea to mess around with proportions (both length and width). It's tough to figure out, but once you have that idea in, you can make your characters look more unique. For instance, while Techno's longest bit is his torso, in width, he has smaller legs and a bit smaller head. On the other hand, Ranboo's longest bit is his legs, and in width, the widest part is his head (if you count his little floppy-ear-thingamajigs).
I really struggled implementing this tip for a while, but woooo, once I did, my designs got a lot better. I still could stand to put it in more, to be honest haha.
Also, personal note: I didn't mean to go on such a long break, but finals have been rough (3 essays, all at least seven pages...yikes). Anyways, I'm going to have a lot to catch up on, but I AM NOT DEAD. The comic will go on! It just might take a bit, and I thank all of you for your patience! :)
(Also, I'm still running character asks if you're interested!)
#dsmp#dream smp#dsmp au#artists on tumblr#dsmp comic#dsmp roleshuffle#dsmp fanart#mcytblr#mcyt#mcytbr#mcyt tag#mcyt fanart#dsmp techno#dsmp technoblade#technoblade#mcyt art#mcyt technoblade
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Wei Wuxian licks his lips and leans forward slightly, walking his fingers across the countertop aimlessly toward Lan Zhan. “You know, Lan Zhan,” he drawls, “A-Yuan says we’re both in the book.”
“Mn,” Lan Zhan responds, tracking the path of his fingers intently, “I am apparently Hanguang-jun, the moral upstanding hero.”
“And I’m the devious Yiling Loazu, who led you astray,” he smirks, peering at Lan Zhan through his lashes.
Lan Zhan meets his stare, head-on, lit from within like molten sunshine. “No,” he corrects, “not astray, Wei Ying.”
Wei Wuxian tilts his head, waiting for him to continue. His fingers stop their dancing, resting just inches away from Lan Zhan.
Lan Zhan shifts his own hand, bringing them even closer, their fingertips almost brushing.
“The Yiling Loazu did not lead Hanguang-jun astray,” he says, eyes piercing as they flicker between Wei Wuxian’s. “They were partners, and…”
“Ah,” Wei Wuxian breathes, “the decent romance?”
Lan Zhan doesn’t answer, watching him closely. The pupils of his eyes have grown so large there’s only the tiniest ring of gold around the edge. He can see himself reflected in the black. He thinks he likes the version of himself that lives in Lan Zhan’s eyes.
They’re standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting for the other to take a step forward, bracing for a fall.
It should be terrifying, this sudden drop into something completely new, something entirely unknown yet so familiar. But Wei Wuxian is filled with conviction that no matter what, Lan Zhan will catch him.
It's as electrifying as it is calming, this certainty that here, with Lan Zhan, he is safe.
Wei Wuxian tilts his head to the side in a way he knows sets the unmarked skin of his neck on display. “I’m sure it was more than just decent, with a handsome hero like Hanguang-jun.”
Lan Zhan quirks an eyebrow, his gaze resting on the curve of Wei Wuxian’s neck, just as he’d hoped. "Handsome?"
“Well,” Wei Wuxian responds, tapping his index finger so it brushes against Lan Zhan’s fingertips. His skin is soft and perfect, just like the rest of him. “He isn’t wrong. You’re very handsome, Lan Zhan.”
“Really, Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan says, voice quiet and deep.
“Yep, definitely worthy of being compared to the beautiful Second Jade of Lan.”
“Is that so?” Lan Zhan shifts closer, the smell of him filling up Wei Wuxian. He smells so familiar, like something he knows intimately. Sandalwood, Wei Wuxian realizes, with sudden clarity.
Lan Zhan continues, “I would love to hear more about your opinion on my beauty and prestige, Wei Ying.”
“You don’t know anything about me, Lan Zhan. Why would you care what I think?”
Lan Zhan tilts his head, only just. “Do I need to? To want to know how your brain works?”
I commissioned this lovely artwork by the wonderful @lotuslate of a scene from my fic, once upon a time, 很久很久以前 where the entire cultivation world is cursed to live in the modern world without their memories and abilities, but of course wangxian find a way to fall in love all over again.
#i've been staring at this art for days they're one of my fave mdzs artist i am not worthy T__T#look at them falling in love before shenanigans try to keep them apart!!#im planning to post chapter 3 next week maybe by the end og the weekend#it's an absolute beast at 15k but it also introduces a bunch of characters im excited for hehe#mdzs#mo dao zu shi#the untamed#chen qing ling#wangxian#mdzs fanfiction#the untamed fanfic#wei wuxian#wei ying#lan wangji#lan zhan#mxtxnet#mdzs ouat au#bushy writing#okay now that the tags are out of the way prepare for anxiety rant: commissioning art for my fic was one of the best and most anxiety thing#i've ever had to do like it's actually insane#on the one hand i love my fic so much but also i do not feel worthy of such pretty art and talent (except i paid for it and supported an#artist i really admire which makes me dumb brain extra silly) but yeah this enitire week since i first got it i basically had to play#with my anxiety in the worst way and its been awful and i want to share this art cause its so great but also i want to cry cause i feel#unworthy BUT! i am by posting this telling that anxiety to shut up and continue promoting a fic i'm really proud and excited for and#hopefully opening the floodgates so i have the confidence to commission more artwork in the future because seeing the words i write in a pi#is just about one of the most incredible feelings aNYWAYS
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hmm idk is this giving you the batman
#don't look at their hoodies that close i didn't realize had ssr on 😐 i was like yeah ig these tops just look like that in the light#ok relight first impressions they seem significantly less laggy than the niceguy lamps (though this is the tiniest apartment in san myshuno#and they don't have the noisiness of the niceguy lamps and they're easier to use though still a bit finnicky#i like them overall i think. if i ever did blood sports actually i'd do it in blender this was just for funsies#anyway great job connor! now get out of there right now#i don't think i've ever shown connor and charlie together. i don't think i ever even said they were together just implied it#bad. ptolemaea#imagine connor's wearing boots their real height difference is too insane for this aspect ratio lol. connor is 5'3 charlie is 6'4#ts4#blood sports#connor#charlie
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Sometimes a silly bird disguised as a human sits on a dragon's hoard of gold and tries to seduce him.
Community label for it being vaguely suggestive I guess.
Art taglist : @jezifster @isabellebissonrouthier (feel free to ask to be added to the list!)
#art#my art#sketches#the fall of neseah#mecarevainen#look. he has a dragon boyfriend. he will sit seductively on said dragon boyfriend's hoard#i think it is very funny that this guy is just collecting loved ones. he has a wife. a dragon boyfriend/mate. a fae boyfriend.#he's highly unusual for his species not because he has a bunch of partners but because none of them are phoenixes#like they're not supposed to be able to shapeshift he's just a very good mage and kind of insane#(runs in the family. look at Maran.)#which means that he gets to do that#and literally every other phoenix ever is like 'yeah this is Mecarevainen he's fucking weird but he's pretty cool we like him'#'did you hear he turned himself into a human man last week ?'#'oh yeah he got human married to a human lady. wild'#his exes either find it very funny or very annoying#his kids (HE HAS PHOENIX CHILDREN. THIS IS A FATHER OF MANY KIDS and not a deadbeat the birds r just all adults)#probably are aware of his shenanigans#and once he has kids with Ulevan (the human queen) they probably visit like hello siblings! !!!#making neseah an interesting place for a while. there's just a fuckton of birds that speak directly in your brain#because their half siblings just happen to be the princes and princesses of the country#and nowadays most of this is considered legends that probably hold a part of reality (the very skilled mages n the queen having an affinity#-for the birds) but no one actually thinks Ulevan had children with a legit fucking phoenix and her kids were half birds.#Mecarevainen is the funniest motherfucker I've written lately
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good fucking food
#tomgreg#OH GOD OH FUCK#greg has agreed to do whatever tom has asked every time and this is the first time he's been like#no actually i'm gonna go to the bros myself despite the fact that tom told him not to#and tom's already taken the hit of nate being invited to the party which is still a sore spot#bc it was supposed to be his and sh*v's party just like it was supposed to be his and sh*vs wedding yet nate is there. again.#so he's like. ok greg let's strategise [i find strategy sexy] make me feel secure with you#and when greg does in fact not do that... oh man. tom's face he's noooot happy about it!!!#his voice goes all high pitched and he does an expression actually similar to sh*v lol#like FINE WHATEVER I DONT CARE DO WHAT YOU WANT [narrator voice: he did in fact care a lot]#but then he touches greg's back!!!!! aaargahrga! tom you are so transparent!!!! he's so very clearly attached to both sh*v and greg#like atp i don't care. he feels similarly to greg as he does to sh*v i've seen enough evidence this season to prove that to me#as in. feelings. romantically. when they hurt him he still loves them and is gentle with them until he can't take it any more.#i don't know when we'll see what happens with greg maybe next episode GOD#if the firing thing does happen which i don't want!!!! god!!!!! maybe THEN we'll see it#maybe an argument somewhat like his and sh*v's tho obviously not to the scale but like. WHO HAS HAD YOUR BACK THIS WHOLE TIME#WHO HAS EVER LOOKED AFTER YOU IN THIS FUCKING FAMILY#god. i need to seeee that. don't just leave it hangin jesse i'm begging you bestie#but like he is soooo bpd it is actually insane. i shake his hand#also ''team kenro'' probably wasn't grea tfor him to hear adksjds#WDYM TEAM KENRO DONT YOU MEAN TEAM NERSPOR >:(((
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What is your favourite fic that you have ever written? And what is your favourite line from it?
oh man this is such a tough ask because i hate my own writing 9 out of 10 times BUT i think it would still have to be wild and wired. i did a lot of hockey research for that fic (...and took most of it out because i was on a deadline lmao) and i'm attached to it because this was The fic that made me realize charlie/jesse's potential and that i shouldn't be afraid to branch out of my comfort zone and to write whatever the heck i want!!!
there's a few lines i really like but i'll give a shout-out to this part:
RUSS TYLER (10:11AM): man why does you getting your dick out always become a group affair?
your guess is as good as mine, buddy, Charlie sends back.
Luckily, he’s saved from his other twenty-five unread messages by the arrival of Averman, who shoves past the door and nearly trips over one of the boxes in his hurry to run inside.
“I came as soon as I heard,” Averman says. His mouth falls into a shit-eating sorta smile, hand cupped to his chin. “I guess you could say I was quick to shoot off.”
Charlie takes that as his cue. He stretches out in his seat, nudging Jesse’s foot with his. “You’ve got that in common.”
Jesse kicks at Charlie’s heel. “Did you just rag on yourself,” he asks Averman incredulously, “so that this lying asshole could rag on me?”
“Teamwork, baby," Averman says with a worrying amount of pride. Charlie still slaps him a high-five.
#the mighty ducks#thanks for asking this!!! it made me reread some of my stuff and i had a “wow i don't suck as much as i think i do” moment so that was nice#hallway#special shout-out to 'rose-colored boy'#and 'wingman' and 'out of his league' because those were just insane#LIKE WHY WAS LARSON THEIR ROOMMATE??? BECAUSE!!#i should insert larson more again#actually i should just write more again#tomorrow i'll go back to wanting to delete everything i've ever written 😭#do any of my followers read my stuff??? i'd be interested to know the lines you like best!!
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GRHJGUMERGJMERGAM YOU HAVE SMT OCs??? I wanna know more
I sure do. Long long ago when SMT//Imagine was still novelty me and my roleplaying crew at the time decided to make a roleplay guild called Clan Volatile. Because these fuckers were all ticking time bombs in their own right.
My ticking timebomb of choice was a young man called Dastolle Kobayashi, the resident clan tank and horribly abused workhorse.
So for those of you not in the know, SMT Imagine was an MMO set in the interrim between SMT1 and SMT2. My roleplay group at the time decided to set up an rp guild in the game, exploring the first generations of humans who wouldn't remember the days before the nuclear fallout of SMT1. None of them would survive to make it to SMT2, which was also part of the concept. Having a good ol' look at those people who perished when things started to get ugly again.
He's a sweet guy, if not the smartest... though he's still smarter than people give him credit for. Unfourtunately he's also incredibly traumatised and suffer from intense amounts of anger (secret) that's being kept in check only by his intense fear of abandonment (Apparent to anyone with eyes).
He's unquestionably loyal to his clan. Why? Because he doesn't trust his own judgement on who he can trust or not - and his departed mentor promised him that these people would be his friends.
It... didn't go so well. He's the "best friend" of an incredibly abusive clan leader who's sanity is probably compromised by his demon fusion wings (remember the freaky lore with the demon accessories?) and something of a (rather objectifying) interest to said leader's twin sister.
They're all C-rank demon busters, so only in the about level 20s or so. Real nobodies doing grunt work that noone has time to keep much of an eye on. They can survive, and that's good enough.
He doesn't like books (they're religious items that steal people away) and may or may not be trying to burn a clanmate's bible without him finding out. He's staunchely neutral due to both his parents leaving him for each their faction when he was younger, and mostly uses beast demons. They're nice and simple.
His primary demon is a fire-breathing unicorn who likes to mess with people and has a narcisism problem.
He took up smithing as a secondary clan-job. He mostly makes swords for their leader, he likes his hammer.
I also had a cool thing going where I had reaction images drawn both with and without the visor that let ME know when he was being mildly deranged under the cover of the visor, but other people wouldn't tell because they couldn't see his eyes. There was a lot of interesting psychology going on with him.
Dastolle is a docile guy who works hard to try and ensure his "friends" won't abandon him out of an extreme fear of being alone again. It's the only thing keeping an increasingly boiling anger down.... for now. But he's got a dark and bloody future ahead of him.
I can talk more about his story if there's any interest.
#smt imagine#shin megami tensei#imagine#Zeph's oc's#Abuse mention#The abusive leader was actually a really cool character made by a friend and had a lot of themes of fear leading to corruption by power#but not being strong enough to survive the insane conditions of the Shin Megami Tensei universe#I think even in their final confrontation - the strongest the clanmates would ever be - they were only level 50 or so#The main trio (Dastolle - leader - leader's sister) got demon imagery associations reflecting their eventual downfall into madness.#All low level demons. These guys are nobodies noone will remember.#Dastolle was Ippon-Datara#Fated to go mad at being abandoned a second time and turning into a murderous craftsman living alone in a cave#crafting neutral-alignment only weapons until the day his former ''best friend'' kills him#He takes out the guy's prized wings in the process though.#I've also roleplayed as the SMT1 protag since the early 2000s and the regular demon team are sort of oc's in their own right now.#Dastolle's favourite things are related to nature and he likes to take refuge in Nakano when there's nothing to do.#He also accidentally ate a demon apple once and got possessed once#It was kind of a running theme with him that nothing about his situation was ok#But everyone were too busy with basic survival to do anything about it.#So nothing was done before he finally went nuclear.#The whole Clan's story was a psychological tragedy of preventable dooms noone cared to prevent#Doomed by the narrative etc etc#High defence zero brains#Ironically the two people closest to him were the only ones with high enough attack to make anything hurt#The visor belonged tot he demon buster who saved him and also introduced him to his 'friends'#The anger being hidden behind the damaged visor was deeply symbolic about the fear and the promise being the only things hiding it#keeping it locked away
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as lonely as being aro can be I honestly wouldn't have it any other way because as a kid I felt like my life would be over in my 20s once I married and started having kids but the first time I realized I didn't have to do that shit was akin to a bird getting released from its cage
#like idk. i remember watching my mom growing up. no time to read or paint or sing or do anything she wanted to do#because she was always doing chores and housework and taking care of the kids#and she said she chose that life and was happy with it but it felt like a cage to me every time i thought about it#and in the ''religion'' i grew up in anyone with ovaries was supposed to get married and have lots of babies as soon as they could#so yk. 20s.#and as a kid growing up in that environment i Literally thought i would only get to live for 20/25 years#and then i'd be miserable and locked inside the house for the rest of my life#and all my friends growing up Wanted that !! they wanted marriage and a million kids and all the things we were told we needed to have#and im sure a lot of this was just the culture we grew up in. even now after leaving years ago im still struggling to unlearn things#and as kids ?? we didnt know Anything.#but idk. i remember watching brave and connecting with merida so much because i didnt want to get married either !!!#but i thought i had to !!! literally that movie made me cry so many times fr#but finding out what aromanticism was was literally so insane it was like. i dont have to do any of this bullshit actually.#it was literally the most radical thought i'd ever encountered at the time#it felt like i was defying everything i've been taught and it took me a long time to separate myself from the mindsets i grew up with#and then longer still to eventually separate myself from that environment completely#but idk. im a little lonely sometimes and my siblings and friends are all getting married and paired off#but i dont have to. my life isnt over and i can live it however i want.#idkkkkkkkk im feeling kinda emotional rn. being aro is incredible fr#winter speaks#queer#personal
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okay but the problem is. and the reason i don't actually id as ace. is that i have. ya'know. been sexually attracted to people before. two. to be specific.
#okay so in hs i thought i was demi which ik is on the ace spectrum#but there were some flaws in that logic. those namely being. i had never actually been attracted to someone before.#in hs okay. you need to hear me out on this. in hs i was doing like. compulsive bisexuality??#i figured out i was queer but didn't know how really so i was randomly picking all sorts of crushes. not just guys like anyone.#which is why fun fact to this day i still don't know how many people i've actually ever had a crush on lmao bc i'd even lie in my diaries#but i know some of them were real but it was just like. a little romantic attraction.#and everyone i had a crush on (real or fake for the most part) i was friends w so demi whatever.#BUT THEN. 2019. the unthinkable happens. dan howell comes out and i realize i'm a dyke.#it didn't actually happen exactly in that order but it's funnier to explain it that way.#anyway. like a week later i met the second hottest person i've ever seen in my life ever.#side note i'd already met the hottest but i have Sieve Brain and i genuinely don't remember how that went at all in the slightest#so the second hottest will have to do as my point of reference forgive me#anyway before i even knew her name. Salivating. insane.#and to this day i've still only been attracted to those two people. not even celebrities.#i don't know what “celebrity crush” means and at this point i'm too afraid to ask.#but i feel like i'm fairly old to have only wanted to. like. fuck two people. that seems like a low number. i don't know how this works.#and it's not demi if i didn't get to know them first right?#ace people explain y'all are smarter than me real#but it literally is still like i don't understand you people and your. sex. why are you like that.#rachel rants
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i just finished wild idol and all other competition shows are dead to me now unless they make their trainees do multiple modelling challenges and also have them do acting challenges with jo kwon as the judge
#the first three episodes of wild idol are perhaps the greatest episodes of a survival show of all time no joke#like. the fact that they didn't let anyone use their NAMES until they had eliminated OVER HALF the trainees. fucking insane#this is the only show i've ever seen that's properly weighted on talent+skills and actually has difficult challenges#also pretty much every mentor was either a second gen idol or a working professional#yes it was absolutely intended to build a second gen type group btw like. transparently#i do think actually ending up with a second gen idol was an accident though#whoever's brainchild this show was i love you so fucking much#wild idol#text#i still cannot believe that sungkyu about faced so quickly on jooan that was so fucking funny#he got seduced SO hard and so fast that he couldn't even deny it on broadcast OR on live television alskdjfsd#jooan aka sungkyu's man i see you i love you#changsun number one is deserved but you're number two in my heart for the audacity of that move#nana and i were talking about how changsun and jaejun 100% spiderman pointing memed each other bc they were both on mixnine#BUT the more relevant question is: DID ANY OF THE MENTORS RECOGNIZE JAEJUN?????#i NEED to know. i know its unlikely bc he looks so different now but is that not the wildest thing to think about
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GOD. AN ADDITION. TO WHATEVER WILDLY DAD BRANDED HOMOPHOBIC THING GUSTAV SAID TO ALFONSE IN THAT TERRIFYING MOMENT
He absolutely thought he Was Being Supportive. Like genuinely.
#LIKE. IT'S A YEAR LATER AND I'M STILL BLANK ON THE DIALOGUE HAHAHAH#but. the thing is. esp w the tone (i still wanted to overall have a humorous tone despite the horror)#like. in no way am i ever going to redeem gustav UNLESS if it's funny.#and it is one of those like. humanizing moments too. where like. not to expose myself#but the sheer amount of wildly insane tangents i've had to endure. talking to family i love very much despite everything.#who do actually love me. despite whatever fucking loopholes they have to take to do so.#i will say on record though my dad is way better than gustav. he's just. you know.#that's just how dads are sometimes.#fe alfonse#fe gustav
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applying for a voiceover job as if i don't have the worst godawfullest sounding voice in the world, wish me luckkk
#i sound like a total fucking idiot gushing about luxury cars alone in my room as per the sample script but then again i just impulsively#bought too many new watercolour sets and these paids gotta get billed somehow so;;; please for the love of god accept my shitty voice i beg#four years of intensive high school speech learning and journalism/radio broadcasting training + taking comm arts in college and for what-#??? this awkward yammering mess of an incoherent human being who can't string one proper sentence together??? smh jätteonyttig 😤#it's gone to the point of insanity where i'm entirely doubting my english skills because i've listened to the same audio for hours on end#like tangena pare ano bang pinagsasabi mo diyan konti na lang malulunok mo na dila mo. nasaniban ng masamang espiritu vibes amp#like there's a completely founded reason why no one i've ever talked to online has ever heard me speak and. yep. if u wanna know what a#damned soul being eternally flayed in hell sounds like hmu for a sample#i also had to do a video interview which was!!! fucking horrifying!!!!! i had to use zoom and idek how!! but i think it didn't go so badly?#i managed to bullshit some stuff about my credentials when i wasn't busy stumbling over my own tongue and making ugly faces so :^/#i also might be going back to animation school in the next semester which. my unartistic ass is not all too excited at the prospect of 🤡#idk man why do i Attempt things i'm not good at. i'm just a struggling aspriring himbo with all vibes and no brain cells idk what i'm doing#can't i just lie down in the middle of a forest and sink into the soft moss until the earth entirely absorbs me??? dream goals methinks#real life has been mentally checking me out so much to the point of accidental hiatus again i hate it!!!!!#do pretty girl don't speak#will delete#allen attempts to adult for once.exe#(except not really because i keep falling into illness and bollocked if i actually make it through this year alive 🧟♂️)
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Embarrassing, ridiculous TMI under the readmore (not gross! just way too personal!)
I do not have PTSD and I don't want to be a part of the "flippantly using the word 'trigger'" problem at all, but I think I finally found a proper name for this harmful behavior I've wrestled with since at least high school, and it's called self-triggering.
Again, I don't have trauma... well, everybody has some trauma, but that's not the thing I'm triggering myself about here. And if I explained what I had actually been doing to myself (which may be obvious to someone who's reading between the lines but I don't want to talk about it for reasons I've stated before), it would sound laughably, mockably trivial. But the results are still an acute increase in depression and obsessive negative/angry thinking and distress and alienation from something that usually gives me joy... so it's still harmful to me, no matter how stupid and frivolous it sounds. Perhaps it's an OCD/depression self-triggering instead of a PTSD self-triggering.
I reiterate, what I'm discussing is not trauma, not EVER claiming it is, but:
In a similar vein, one set of case studies (De Young, 1984) conceptualized approaching situations reminiscent of the trauma as “counterphobic behavior” (i.e., an attempt to master anxiety by repeatedly approaching its source, resulting in a greater sense of control).
I understand this, the "maybe if I keep looking I'll become desensitized", and "I need more information so I can better avoid this thing and people associated!" Or even "well maybe it wasn't really that bad, maybe I'm remembering it as worse than it was" (I'm not, if anything I've forgotten just how bad it was!)
Likewise, if trauma survivors perceive reexperiencing symptoms as inevitable, they may wish to decide the time and place of their occurrence, affording them a sense of control.
...is that the irrational "gotta get it over with" compulsion??
Alarmingly, many users also report being unable to stop this behavior once they have begun despite the dysregulation and distress that it causes.
This is how it goes: I will read or even just skim through something that causes me serious emotional distress, whether that is a fanfiction with something horrible happening to characters I find comfort in, or a really nasty article full of harsh, baseless criticisms of something I love so much. (Again, these things sound laughable but to the way my mind works, it is not. Though I also do something similar with actual bad memories from my life [I think everyone does], well, you can't "reread" or refresh those. And I also have the power to delete/destroy any physical records I have of those.)
So, I will vow to never ever let this wretched thing enter my eyeballs again. I will ruminate about it and quietly seethe about the fact that it exists, and that some people even like/agree with it! I won't be able to get certain upsetting phrases out of my head and I will obsess and it will ruin my enjoyment of related things whenever I get reminded of it.
Maybe I will find ways to block or blacklist to lower my chances of seeing it. And I will be very vigilant about this for a long time and will successfully avoid it, even if I see reminders here and there that make me mad. Slowly, I'll only remember a few specific sentences from the thing, and even those may be unclear.
And then I'll suddenly develop the belief that I "have to" look at it again for some reason, and my heart will start pounding as I start bracing myself for this "inevitability". And eventually the irrational, self-destructive side will win out and I'll do it, believing that it's like ripping a bandaid off for the greater good. Gotta get it over with, you see. I'll only glance over it, of course, because this time I already know how bad it is - I'll just read a few sentences here and there on my way to do something "sensible" like block the url or check who liked it so I know it wasn't my friends - but it will be enough to make me feel like absolute shit for days again, and now I have these fresh memories in my head to contend with and the cycle of trying to forget these bad bad thoughts and be able to freely enjoy the thing I love starts all over again.
and that's what you missed on Glee!
#honestly if I ever get a therapist it would be so much easier just to submit an essay like this rather than infodump it all out loud#I'm so much better in writing and it would feel less humiliating!#anyway I'm trying to say that I KNOW that this is for the therapist that I don't have and not for tumblr#but I'm glad I could put it into words and since I've been showing effects of it on here... might as well explain it on here#I would get SUCH anon hate for this post if I had a following. and if I had anon on. I can feel it#I'm actually worried about losing followers or mutuals for this just because it sounds cringe and insane#but like I can't fix my own experiences and my own mental health just because 'people are dying Kim' you know???#I would cite my source but... lol. lmao even.#also I guess I didn't do a good job finally being normal on here today did I? 0 days since our last nonsense#when I returned to tumblr this is exactly who I didn't want to be anymore#but it's also weirdly cathartic that someone who cares even a little about me might know about how I feel now. idk.#on the cycle we are 2 days post the re-triggering event lol. I did something else stupid today but nothing as stupid as THAT#it's probably been ~9 months since I was first/last exposed to the content of this Bad Thing so this setback is infuriating#my original post
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dentist slotted me in for tomorrow in the early morning and i feel very sick!!!! in just over 12 hours i will find out how many big bucks are coming out of my savings bc my tooth decided to randomly chip through no fault of my own a month after my dad's insurance stopped covering me !!! :'''))))
#i fell so very nauseous#*FEEL#this is the most dread and panic i've ever felt for a dentist appt fdsjkl i think i might cry actually#i wish i had like... a ballpark amount so i know how much of a punch to the gut im going to experience#but i have no idea bc everything online is fucking american and it depends heavily on what sort of damage has happened to the tooth#it could be anywhere from like. just $100 (STILL A LOT OF MONEY) to like fucking 3k or something insane#are they going to judge me if i cry in the dentist office when they tell me the amount theyre charging fdsjkl#like... i do not think thats socially acceptable but i have a feeling i wont be sleeping well tonight#and i cannot stop myself from crying very well if i am that tired#so im uhhhhhhh prepping myself to not cry at the reception desk i guess too along w not knowing what procedure to expect fsdjkl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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Oh yeah with 6.5 around the corner, I realized that I got both Hellbat, and X's main titles this patch! \o/
#hellbat grimsbane tag#well in 6.4 in general y'know lol#also guys who cross their arms lol (they match once again hehe)#ANYWAYS#i got x's title last night actually lol starting working on his title again after taking a year long break#plus i was doing hunts nonstop for 8 months on hellbat o(-<#i actually stopped at 500/700 for the gnb title since i really wanted at least one of them on x while i focused on hunts#it's been so hard finding good tank farm groups (or any in general) so i had to make one myself last night#did 100 O3N fights in a row o(-< my party was so fucking good though and someone else on my team got the 700 clears on gnb title at the -#- same time as me which was insane lol#anyways uh... i don't think there's any other perfect title for hellbat#but if they ever make a 'the executor' title in this game i think i would cry#i mean they're finally releasing a ufo mount which also made me insane lol give us a minion too though#anyways if they do release a 'the executor' title i will get it for x. even if it's... pvp related o(-<#honestly kind of hoping it's the next expansion's 1k s rank kill title because it sounds like it would be one#or just a hunt title in general#but i've barely done hunts on him like i have on hellbat o(-< he's only killed around 250 s ranks while hellbat has killed 2500#btw i won't be posting spoilers on here about 6.5 for a long time lol unless it's something i've been wanting for a long time -#- like that title i mentioned earlier or a bat mount or something#also i'm still so sad that i can't make x purple in this game
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The Van Has Officially Declared It Spooky Season
---
I've got my parent's van for the week and it seems determined to establish my status as The Local Cryptid by terrorizing an innocent 7-11 clerk.
...I might need to back up a bit.
My mother is an eminently sensible woman who knows herself well, and when The Plauge hit, she knew she'd need some sort of mentally and physically engaging craft project to keep herself from going insane and massacring the local zoning and water management boards (even if they have it coming). So she and Dad acquired a utility van and converted it into a camper van because while they love camping, they're past the age where their joints and immune systems will tolerate sleeping on the cold ground in a nylon tent.
They did a terrific job of it and my mom taught herself woodworking and carpentry and now the van has it's own cabinets, fold-away dining table, and removable queen-sized bed with memory foam mattress. My Dad was already a computer engineer, but he learned the dark magics of automotive software and electronics to install after-market backup cameras, a media player that would take a terabyte hard drive and a solar-powered battery and outlet so they could wake up and just turn on the kettle and griddle for breakfast without having to exit the van into a cold morning on an empty stomach.
Truly, the height of Camping Luxury.
My parents are both in their mid-seventies and my primary life goal is to be at least half as cool and hale as they are when I get old.
Anyway, they take it out at least a dozen times a year and it works fabulously, but, being as I am on good terms with my parents and also finishing the process of moving house, I've been borrowing it to move large and cumbersome objects that will not fit in the back of my equally lovely but minuscule Honda hatchback.
It's a Great Van.
Very easy and comfortable to drive.
Stunningly good MPG for it's size.
The best cruise control I've ever had in a car.
It's just also.
Quirky.
Mischievous, even.
---
If this van has a fault its that it bears the unfortunate affliction that all lightly used white utility vans have in that the combination of an utter lack of branding features and the large dent/scrape I accidentally put on it while trying to escape a Denny's last Thanksgiving means that this vehicle is one addition of a Badly Spray-Painted "FREE CANDY" on the side away from being the sort of vehicle you see in an edgy horror movie.
It's got the same issue that Doberman Dogs have where they look like the sort of creature that likes to snack on toddler's faces whilst actually having personalities made of marshmallow fluff. This vehicle is unnecessarily menacing and I think nothing short of an airbrushed Epic Van Wizard will correct this. People see this van pull up and lean over and squint suspiciously at me when the driver's side door opens, and then look moderately confused when, instead of Charles Manson, a small, potato-shaped creature with neon purple hair and a statistically unlikely assortment of dogs emerges.
My own two dogs, Herschel the Hanukkah Goblin/Corgi and Charleston Chew The Taco Dumpster Dog, Do Not Like The Van. Even with the bed in it, they have a tendency to slide and roll around in the back, and both WILL chew through dog saftey belts or other attempts to secure them in there.
On the other hand, my house mate's dog, an exceptionally tall standard poodle whom we lovingly call "The Creature", loves the Van because SHE wears her doggy seat-belt with only mild complaining and gets to sit up in the passenger seat like A People.
Also like A People, The Creature likes to stand and walk around on her hind legs. It doesn't hurt her and it's entirely voluntary, but every so often I will feel a hand on my arm and instead of my husband or friend, it's a canine that's taller than I am on her hind legs who wants to stare at my face with soulful, concerned eyes. The Creature's favorite thing is that she is exactly the right height for me to hold her arm in Genteel Fashion and walk around the pet food or hardware store with her like I'm a count escorting a debutante around a royal ball.
---
As it stands, I am set to inherit this vehicle whenever my Honda gives up the ghost, and I fully intend to paint an Epic Van Wizard on it when that time comes.
The other peculiarity of The Van is that while Dad did manage to successfully install all his after-market electronics, not all the electronics get along.
Sometimes, they fight for Dominance.
The Terabyte Music Player and the Backup Camera have a particularly contentious relationship, and turning on the music has about a 25% chance of turning on the backup camera as well, and turning on the Backup Camera is equally likely to turn on the music.
Firthermore, The Van has a favorite song.
I am not kidding that Dad filled an entire terabyte hard drive with music and the software to sort it via the radio controls, but of all the Early Boomer Dad Rock (Kingston Trio over The Eagles) and Irish Folk and Symphonies and the entire discography of Weird Al Yankovic, The Van's favorite song-
The one it picks to play as victory music every time it beats the Backup Camera at their weird electronic game of rock-paper-scissors
-is The Liberty Bell March by John Phillip Sousa.
You all know this song already.
...but in case you've forgotten the tune:
youtube
Yeah.
The Van's favorite song is the goddamn Monty Python's Flying Circus Theme Music.
It does not play this song at a normal volume.
Every time I turn on the Backup Camera and it manages to turn the music player on as well, The Van insists on absolutely blasting this nonsense on at the maximum volume it's physically capable of producing, which I know is loud enough to be heard from the Denver International Airport's Pickup zone when they Van decided to start playing it from the economy lot about half a mile away.
Perhaps it's The Van's way of honoring the aesthetic sensibilities and sonic enthusiasm of Mr. Sousa.
...I can't help but wonder if the purpose of an Epic Van Wizard is to control this sort of faerie-like malarkey, and channel these chaotic energies into things like Spell of Don't Break Down In Nevada or Enchantment Of Always Have Good Parking.
---
So last Friday the 13th, I get a call from my friend and housemate, at said airport.
It's roughly 11PM at night, and I have already retired for the evening.
I am in the exact minimum of clothing required to be a decent housemate and not scandalize the neighbors should I happen to walk by a window.
My feet are up.
There is a cat in my lap and fictional British people murdering each other in highly inventive fashion on the tv.
-But my friend has returned from her friend's wedding,and either American or United Airlines has managed to lose her luggage,
including,
among other valuable possessions,
the keys to her car.
...So she cannot just drive home as originally planned.
There are, as luck would have it, her spare set of keys not eight feet from me.
Being a good and decent person, I agree to bring the spare keys to her so she may get home before daybreak and not spend a semester's worth of tuition on an uber across the greater Denver traffic jam.
Being also that she Loves Activities, and it's her mom we're going to pick up, I elect to take along The Creature.
I am primarily focused on remembering how to get to the airport and not leaving my friend's spare keys on the counter, so I throw on a pair of flip-flops, step outside, remember that it's AUTUMN and my minimal evening attire is not sufficient thermal protection, step back in, grab the first coat in the closet I lay hands on, pull it on, check that I have her keys again and leave.
The trip to the airport is largely unremarkable, save that it becomes necessary for me to put on sunglasses to drive, despite it being nearly the witching hour and almost entirely darker than the inside of a cow.
It's necessary because this blissful darkness of night is violently punctured by a startling number of cars that seem to have installed miniaturized but no less powerful lighthouse bulbs in where their headlights ought to go so the oncoming traffic and sports cars that insist on tailgating me in the slow lane alike illuminate the road and my mirrors with the kind of radiance I'd normally associate with the arrival of a Seraphim.
I arrive at the distant highly discounted airport car lot where my housemate is waiting, deeply apologetic.
It's nothing. I say. Once I see that your car starts up, I'm gonna go to that 7-11 across the way that I parked in front of, get a slurpee or something and I'll see you at home.
While she is retrieving her vehicle (an equally eccentric but much more stately Subaru that is old enough to be elected to congress) I rifle through the loose change in the glove box and discover that I have exactly $6.66 in small bills and coins. The Subaru, continuing it's long voyage into vehicular immortality, immediately starts up.
Upon her return, we all remember that my friend had all her camping gear in the backseat of the car and there is no room for The Creature to ride home with her parent, so I again assure her it's nothing, and will just take The Creature into the 7-11 with me. She is trained as a service animal and needs the practice after the plague.
I wave my friend off and turn to enter the 7-11.
I promptly trip over the jutting back bumper of The Van and fall, cartoonishly, face-first onto the sidewalk.
Fortunately, I have a lot of practice falling on my face, and have learned not to throw my hands out but instead cover my face, so my unexpected self-inflicted attempted curb-stomping lightly scrapes my hairline and nothing else -my sunglasses even stay in place- and I get up and resume my quest for a slurpee.
It's well known that the airport is a lawless place, and the 7-11 across from the discounted airport parking at the stroke of midnight is no exception.
I know it's the stroke of Midnight because there's one of those Audubon society bird-call clocks that makes bird noises, and my arrival is heralded by the twittering call of a Summer Tanager. I am almost charmed enough by the unusual choice of chronological device to excuse the exorbitant Airport-adjacent mark-up of Slurpee prices. I stand at the machine for some time, trying to decide on a size for the price and guess what the fuck "Blue Lighting Blast" is supposed to taste like.
The Creature is being Very Polite but is somewhat agitated, I assume because she *just* saw her mother for the first time in three days and then she LEFT with no explanation, so The Creature is on her hind legs, staring woefully into my eyes, asking to be escorted around the 7-11. Even though that's not what she's not supposed to be doing, there's nobody else in here, so I let her hang off my arm and discuss various Slurpee Flavor options with her.
We eventually decide on an experiment in which I try a Small Blue Lightning Blast, and discover it tastes a bit like licking a nintendo cartridge but in a pleasantly satisfying way.
I go up to pay and realize something is amiss.
The Cashier is a young man staring at me with wide eyes, one had over the register and the other wrapped up in his rosary.
I look down at myself.
In my haste to reunite my friend with her spare keys and service animal, I had left the house in the following accoutrements:
Flip Flops.
Not matching.
It's below freezing outside.
That last part is not particularly odd footwear for the weather in for Colorado, but it's an important detail for the rest of the ensemble.
Assorted scrapes, bruises, cuts and welts on my arms and legs that come with doing outdoor work and living in a house with three dogs and a fully-clawed cat that all want to be in my lap all the time.
It's cold out, so vasoconstriction has pulled the blood away from my skin, a trait that served my ancestors well during the last Ice Age, but leaves me with pale skin to contrast the various wounds and I look like a corpse that fell out of the back of a pickup truck.
The black Bootyshorts with "CRYPTID" painted in bright red gothic font across my ass, that @theshitpostcalligrapher gave me for my wedding present.
A peculiar but extremely comfortable garment that straddles the line between "Lacy Camisole" and "Industrial-Strength Sports Bra" like the Ever Given straddling the Suez Canal.
It is also Bright Red. with black accents.
The Jacket I had grabbed out of the closet, which is in fact, a black Velour Dinner Jacket.
The Tokyo-Ghoul inspired reusable anti-covid mask a friend made me with the set of Coyote Teeth.
My sunglasses, which are shaped like a Halloween Bat. The lenses are the wings and the body is the nose bridge.
It is ALSO bright red.
A Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle that I have been audibly affectionately calling "Dear Creature" who is hanging off my arm like she's my Prom Date.
The Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle is ALSO dressed up in a black Dog Sweater that has white bones printed on it to look like its an X-ray jacket showing off her skeleton.
I look like I am taking my Very Fancy Werewolf Girlfriend to a particularly casual Dinner Party for Vampires, but the thing that's really selling it and probably alarming the kid the most is the fun accessory I acquired in the parking lot not five minutes earlier:
The "Small Scrape At my Hairline" is actually a painless but PROFUSELY bleeding head wound that I had somehow entirely failed to notice covering my face, neck, decolletage and magnificent cleavage with blood like a Tarantino Film Extra.
This does explain why The Creature has been delicately trying to use her bodyweight to push me down onto the floor for the last ten minutes.
So I don't injure myself while we wait for the paramedics she hoped this kid called to arrive, you see.
The Creature has such a High and Naive Opinion of humanity.
I decide this social situation is already fucked, and the only way out is through, and with haste, before I start dripping on the floor.
"Hi there!" I say cheerfully, to indicate this is a visually alarming but not terribly serious situation. "Just a Small Slurpee!"
The Cashier has entered the relevant code into the register before I finish the sentence. His gaze flicks off me just long enough to look at the total, and he grips his Rosary harder.
$6.66
"Oh cool! I have exact change!" I say, taking the money out of my as-yet-unsanguined pocket without looking and slap it down on the counter. "You have a good night and be safe out there!" I wave, leaving.
I get in The Van, mortified, buckle The Creature up, and as I make to leave, I have to put it in reverse, which automatically turns on the backup Camera.
It also turns on the music player.
I make eye contact with the cashier as the dulcet tones of John Phillip Sousa boom from the van hard enough to make the windshield and the windows of the 7-11 rattle for the nine-and-a-half seconds I have to wait to be able to turn the volume back down. Not knowing what else to to, I give him a thumbs up, and leave.
Anyway, now I know what my Future Van Wizard has got to be dressed like, and what their familiar is.
---
If you enjoyed this story, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi or Pre-ordering my Family Lore Funny Stories book on Patreon
#Family Lore#Dogs#It's Halloween babey#friday the 13th#blood mention#I hope that kid had a good night and at least one of his friends believed him#Long post#Video
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