#i've been writing this for a couple hours now
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Hi! How are you?
Short answer and the more polite answer since I don't think people on the internet want to hear my rants - I'm managing. I'm in therapy. On medication. Getting help and just taking it one day at a time right now.
Thanks for checking in anon and anyone else who has sent a message. I haven't abandoned the game. And I know that it doesn't help that I have no update now but I'm just kind of in the "I have to get my shit together or else" kind of place right now. I've spent years and years avoiding mental health and it's caught up with me.
Rants below just to provide some sort of update on why things are where they are, but feel free to ignore them.
I'm feeling lots of feelings at the moment. It's almost May and I've not really accomplished much at all this year. My mother-in-law is in the hospital, and the NHS just wants to send her home instead of helping her. I'm feeling incredibly helpless and useless as a partner, how do you support your partner through this? Doing my best but I'm so frustrated and can't do anything to make it better or make anyone listen and help my mother-in-law.
My employer is probably going under financially and many things don't sit right with my values so I'm stressing about finding a new job. Obviously grateful to have work but it's taken a huge toll on my mental health. I've dedicated dozens of hours each week to job hunting and interviewing - I feel so burnt out but can't afford to let up.
My therapist has asked me not to do any writing of any kind. She believes I am not in a place where this is productive for my mental health. I've always used writing as an outlet. These last couple of months have been difficult. I have not touched my journals, scripts, or games. My fingers ache to write but I don't want to let all my progress go up in flames so alas, this Tumblr ask is the most I've written in months and I can only hope I get better soon so that won't be the truth. I probably shouldn't have written this even but I've been feeling so guilty, every day it crosses my mind that I've just gone MIA on here.
If you read this, you're a gem and I'm sorry if it's too personal - I just don't want anyone to think I've abandoned things. I'm just really focused on healing right now because I have to focus on it.
Wishing you the best.
-Vi
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a short life update
it's been a while since i've posted. i wanted to share a few things that have been going on with me. back in March i started getting mental health help through a local psychiatry program and was diagnosed with ADHD. i began taking a new medication on top of my antidepressant and was referred for a full psych evaluation. once I spoke with my psychiatrist, she started me on a third medication for anxiety that I can take as needed. she also gave me a referral for a therapist.
i had my first therapy session two days ago and I still feel kind of emotionally exhausted from it after having to bring up a few stressful topics. overall i'm equal parts nervous and excited to finally unbox some of the trauma I've experienced in my life.
it was recommended that I keep a journal for therapy. I used to journal regularly but life got in the way and it became less and less of a priority. I did make a couple of entries over the weekend, though, but I don't have too much to write about as of late.
aside from my mental health, I've been dealing with the day to day stresses of being a mom, wife, and homemaker. my three year old broke his collarbone last week and my 17 month old is now at the age where everything is fascinating and must be touched. my husband works an insane amount of hours for the railroad and hasn't been able to do much besides eat and sleep. so, it's been a hell of a few months to say the least.
i'm still around-ish, but i'm spending more time in books and with my family than I am on the internet. earlier this year I finished the ACOTAR series and took several weeks to regroup. I finished a book called Credence this weekend and am trying to choose between two other books at the moment.
anyway, that's about it. if I get any downtime this coming week I will try to add some things to my queue now that Tumblr is once again fresh in my mind. if I don't, i'll pop back in eventually.
much love xx
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I've always had a thought of Pornstar au with Stucky but I never have enough time to write one, mainly bcs the words won't come out and i fucking hate myself sooooooo
I'll just punch my idea here for you bcs so suddenly, I can't stop thinking of Pornstar!Seb HAHAHAHA but I'll stick with my original idea of STUCKY instead of Evanstan although I do love those two idiots AHJSSJJE
Right uhm, anyways, this prompt started off with well, porn, obviously bcs I'm a budding artist who wants to practice nsfw stuff (ehem😌😌) and the first place I went to for pose references were Porn sites
I was hit with sudden inspiration out of nowhere when I got reminded that Steve was a fucking artist SJIDHEIJEUR my mind is then consumed by the idea of one Steve Rogers, scrolling through a porn site looking for pose references when he stumbles into a single account
It's nothing special to be honest but what catches his eye is the full sleeve tattoo on the stars left arm. Curious, Steve checks the account out and discovers Winter_Soldier who's got quite the following. Steve is immediately enthralled at the sight of the man and his silky brown hair, the only thing visible about his face being his bright steel blue eyes. Winter is thicc, chest big enough you could fuck a dick between it and a pair of thighs Steve's sure enough could crush a water melonn NGHHHH don't even get Steve started with his dick, a pretty thing thats anything but little
Bucky might like to bottom but he could fuck if he wants, those sessions where he'd bring another pornstar over for a joint video and he'd practically fuck them to the mattress. Steve salivates at the thought of getting bedded by Bucky, brain just gone at the idea of having Bucky spread on his bed for him to take or of Bucky between his legs, ready to fuck him stupid
He's so adventurous too, his videos containing multiple angles of him fucking his thick ass onto an equally thick dildo, voice slightly muffled from behind the mask but still loud enough that Steve could pick up his mewling ramblings. Winter has a seductive voice that melts to a whine whenever he's got something in him and What's supposed to be Steve looking for pose references and practicing his anatomy's ends up with him furiously jerking off to this gorgeous man
Steve has never seen someone so enticing before, the way Winters body would curve and bend, slick hole making way for the thick dildos he liked to shove in. He fucks and liked to talk, his god given voice rumbly as he spoke to his audiences, taking requests or just simply dirty talking GOOD LORD AJDHWJRHRJJEEJ Steve can't take his eyes off the monitor and his hand off his dick, eyes always coming back to the intricate robot like design of Winters left arm
Somehow, Steve manages to finish his practice but not before he nearly bled himself dry with how much he jerked off. His sketch book suddenly filled with a brown haired masked pornstar. Some hour later, he stumbles out of his room and into the shared kitchen of the dorm he's renting. He nearly trips when he finds his roommate James cooking some dinner
He's been rooming with James for nearly a year now but they're not really close (yet). In Steve's opinion, he's too pretty for his own good and Steve can never talk straight or properly whenever James is the one he's conversing with. James is very sweet though (he told Steve he could call him Bucky bcs that's what his friends call him), voice soft and always drowning in the oversized hoodie he favours. He's not small by any means, with a wider set of shoulder than Steve but he's definitely shorter by a couple of inches.
Steve's always ogling at Bucky whenever he could and he always thinks that his hair is pretty but a detail catches Steve's eyes with how he tied his hair in a messy bun as he cooked. It looked similar with... Steve freezes on the spot, staring at Bucky like an idiot. There's no way right?? It must be just a coincidence!!
Instinctively, Steve's gaze falls onto Bucky's left arm, covered with the long sleeves of his hoodie. Steve has never seen Bucky with his clothing off or just a simple sleeveless outfit and Winter did have a few tattoos, the most prominent one was the full sleeve on his left arm... Steve shakes himself. His roommate can't be the pornstar he's suddenly addicted to, that's just rude to assume
When Bucky calls him to share the dinner, steel blue eyes curved in a somewhat familiar smile, Steve's throat dries and he doesn't know if he hates or loves the possibility of his absurd idea
In the end though, it's not him who makes the official discovery. Instead, it's Bucky who makes the reveal when he finds one of Steve's sketchbook laying around, filled with sketches and practice of a familiar brown haired star in different positions and angles
Steve's all bashful at being caught with his 18+ content and Bucky practically drills his new obsession out of him with a glint in his eyes. When Steve confesses the fact that he's been having fantasies about Winter and woke up every morning with a boner, religiously coming to check Winters account for updates or live sessions, Bucky practically grins like the cat who got the cream, the shy facade giving away to Steve's dirtiest dream
"So you like my voice huh?" Bucky murmurs where he's coiled like a snake on the couch, his eyes going lidded as his voice dropped a few octaves. Steve is frozen at the other end of the couch, surprise and something else shimmering in his guts
"Tell me, Steve.. Do you keep coming back to my account because I provide you with good practice material or is it because I turn you on?" Bucky practically purred, uncoiling and starting to crawl his way to Steve. Considering that their couch isn't that big and neither of them are small, Steve suddenly has his dreams on his lap
"I just needed practice," he weakly says and Bucky's lips curve into a smirk that would follow Steve to his dreams, face finally full with his bright eyes. Ever so slowly, Bucky leans until he's got his lips straight to Steve's ear, squirming on his laps and arms around his neck
"I could give you a live modelling session," he whispers, breath hot against Steve's flushed skin. He shivers and Bucky's next words makes his hand come up to Bucky's waist to squeeze tightly.
"And if you want a live demonstration with yourself included.. well, I can give you that too."
AHAHAHAH I don't know what to do with this prompt but plssss it's been haunting me (HAH), anyways, tis just a tease but they basically fuck (obviously 🙄🙄) and we can have the dynamic of Bucky happily expanding Steves sexual experiences and Steve happily allowing Bucky to expand his sexual experiences SKWJJEJEJE
-🫠🫠
related to this
I feel that, words are hard, but don't downplay what you have because what you have FUCKS!!
Also, I love that. Sometimes you gotta go to the source for references 👀 I get it. That is SUCH a great idea, though! I fuck with that so hard! Artist!Steve looking for inspiration and stumbling onto pornstar Bucky... 😮💨😮💨
And pornstar Bucky, who's thick with INK?
Kill me. Oh, wait, you already have!
Jesusss.
He's a switch, too? I'm salivating. The mask?? The whimpering? I'm being murdered! 😫 WOOF he does sound so damn enticing. Fuck.
THE PLOT THICKENS!
Roommates??
I do not have words. Brain scrambled. Useless. I am fucking obsessed with the idea of Steve going from avid consumer of Bucky's pornography to being a part of it. Living his fantasy. Actually.
Yes!! I would love to see this written because imagine all the shit they could get into! All the kinks they could explore (especially exhibitionism, getting off to being watched). All the toys that I'm sure Bucky has. Expanding on how it comes out, too, would be so good. Draw it out. Build it up. Does Steve catch him shooting porn when he's supposed to be out? Is it not confirmed like that? When does Steve see him without long-sleeves on for the first time? Is it in private? Is it in public, and he has to act normal? Does Bucky make Steve stutter through it and ask himself if he does porn, by chance, or does Bucky easily handle it, grinning and nonchalantly confirming it? Plus, building up to Steve's first time on camera would be killer. His nerves and excitement and then his embarrassment when he gets on camera and he's so revved up that he cums so fast.
God.
You could go so many ways!
Either way, written or not, this AU is going to live rent-free in my head because 🤌🏻yes🤌🏻
Imagine all the "roommate walked in on me" fantasy porn they could shoot 😮💨😮💨
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Hi, sorry to ask but have you written any fanfics where Jerry is autistic? I've read your autistic!morty fic and thought that was excellent. I'm trying to find Jerry-centric fanfics where he isn't mischaracterized/demonized. (Way too many people write Jerry as transphobic which -_-ll no he isn't)
Hi, no need to apologise! I haven't written any autistic Jerry fics and I'm not sure if I know of any (if anyone else does, please leave recs on this post!). I do 100% view him as autistic though. Thank you!
Yeah honestly Jerry being portrayed as transphobic is something that bothers me as a trans guy? I headcanon him as supportive but clueless/cringe at times (he a little confused but he got the spirit).
I do have a trans Morty WIP with a scene between Morty and Jerry, although Morty is still very early on in figuring out that he might be a guy, and Jerry kind of knows something is up but assumes Morty is a lesbian rather than a trans guy and so kind of fumbles but ultimately is trying to be supportive/nice. Morty does worry about Jerry not loving him anymore if he's trans, although this is Morty's POV rather than being objective/a thing that actually happens.
I'll leave the scene below the cut in case anyone's interested. Warnings for mention of periods (and them being referred to in a gendered way), fear of transphobia from parents, accidental misgendering (and misgendering/deadnaming of Morty in the text since this is only the very start of Morty's gender questioning).
“Morti? Rick said you’re sick. Are you OK?” Jerry opens the door. Morti quickly shoves her phone under her pillow. Thankfully, her dad is as oblivious as ever as he walks over and rests a hand against her forehead.
“You don’t feel warm. Is it, uh, you know,” Jerry points down towards his own abdomen, “woman troubles?” he asks in an exaggerated stage whisper. Morti wants to die all over again. She presses her face into her pillow.
“Hey, sweetheart, i-it’s OK.” Morti feels Jerry rest a tentative hand on her shoulder. “Do you need anything?”
Morti takes a few deep breaths to calm herself and then sits up.
“N-no, Dad, I’m OK.”
“OK, honey.” Jerry wraps his arms around her and Morti can’t help but wonder if he would still hug her like this if he knew what she’d spent the past couple of hours reading about. She hugs him back tightly, suddenly unable to stop thinking that she might have to make the most of the affection while it lasts.
When Jerry pulls back, his face clouds with concern and Morti realises she’s once again been crying. She’s getting really sick of that.
“Morti, honey, what’s wrong?”
Morti feels the question writhing around in her gut until it chokes its way out of her mouth. “Dad… you’d love me no matter what, right?”
“Of course, sweetie. No matter what, you’ll always be my daughter.”
The words are meant to be a comfort, but all Morti can think about is the possibility that she’s not his daughter.
“Morti? Are you gay? It’s OK if you’re gay, you know.” As always, Jerry is well-intentioned but clueless. Truthfully, Morti’s not really put much thought into her own sexual orientation, and it’s not her main concern right now. She shakes her head, and Jerry looks doubtful but leaves it.
After a few minutes, Morti works up the courage to speak again. “Dad? Could-could you… tell me a story? Like when I was little?” she cringes as she says the words, knowing she’s far too old to be asking for something like that. To her relief, Jerry smiles.
“Sure thing, sweetie.”
He launches into an improvised story, very similar to the ones she remembers him coming up with when she was younger. She has a memory of Summer complaining Jerry’s stories were boring, always demanding more action. However, once Summer had aged out of wanting a bedtime story and left Morti as the sole listener, Jerry had settled comfortably back into his original stories, which Morti found calming and reassuring.
Her dad’s voice relaxes her and she rests her head against the pillow, feeling her eyelids begin to droop. Jerry’s hand rests on her hair and strokes it gently, just as he used to all those years ago. It’s enough to block out the negative thoughts for the time being, and Morti is so exhausted from the recent events that she soon drifts peacefully into sleep.
#rick and morty#rnm#morty smith#jerry smith#autistic jerry#autistic jerry smith#trans morty#trans morty smith#transphobia#i hope this is at least semi-coherent#the brain fog is bad rn 😅
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leave (stay)
prompt: "leave me alone"
whumpee: illya kuryakin
fandom: the man from uncle
hello here's another sickfic for my beloved illya :) it's sort of pre ship napoleon/illya sort of not idk. what is romance even. hope you enjoy!!
“Leave me alone,” Illya mumbles into his folded arms, before Napoleon has even said anything, before Illya has even so much as glanced up to discover who is behind him. (From the tone of his voice, it’s abundantly clear he knows it’s Napoleon, anyway).
“Well, good afternoon to you, too, Peril.”
Illya does not move an inch, does not reply. Napoleon does not bother to attempt to fight off the instinct to tease him.
“Sleeping on the job?”
It is rather odd to find Illya like this, head pillowed atop his arms and a half-complete mission report in the typewriter. It’s something that Napoleon has done on…say, a few occasions, but Illya? He’s far too much of a rule-follower for something like this.
“Go away,” is the only response Napoleon gets, and, well, if he insists.
It’s lunchtime, anyway. Napoleon grabs his jacket and heads out to the street, making his way directly to his favorite sandwich shop a block and a half away.
He eats at a small table by the window, watching the people on the sidewalk hustle by. The holiday season is fast approaching, and already many of them are carrying large department-store bags, surely laden with gifts.
He muses, idly, on the topic of holidays and whether UNCLE might host - or be open to hosting, upon his gentle suggestion - a party. He wonders whether Illya would be opposed to receiving a present. Probably.
He barely makes it back to the office before his allotted lunch time is up. He bumps into Waverly in the hall, who says nothing, merely raises an eyebrow.
Napoleon flashes him a grin and gets the barest hint of a smile in return. He’ll count that as a strong success.
He is expecting to return to business as usual in the office, but he discovers that Illya has not moved in the time that he has been gone, or, if he has, he’s come right back to the position Napoleon had left him in.
He must really be tired, Napoleon thinks. After all, he’s seen Illya take out five men in two minutes after not sleeping for three days. Now, even a simple mission report seems to be too much.
He stands behind Illya for several seconds, hoping for some acknowledgment of his presence. But nothing happens.
I’m asking for it, he thinks, but goes ahead and jostles Illya’s shoulder anyway.
He expects Illya’s head to snap up, perhaps for a punch to be thrown his way, or, at the very least, some strong words.
Instead, Illya slowly lifts his head and turns around, docile as anything. Weird.
He blinks at Napoleon, rubs a hand across his eyes.
“Were you actually asleep?” Napoleon asks, not quite willing to believe it.
Illya’s face morphs into what could be very charitably deemed a glare.
“No.”
“Somehow, I don’t believe you.”
Illya shrugs. “This is not my problem. Go away.”
Undeterred, Napoleon presses on. “What did you get up to last night, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Sleeping.” Illya looks away from him. He’s angry, which is understandable, but - well, now Napoleon is really curious. And a little worried, not that anyone needs to know.
“Is something the matter?”
“Yes. You will not leave me alone.”
With this, Illya stands up. He is presumably going to stalk away and slam a door behind him. At least, this is what Napoleon expects.
But this is not what happens. Instead, as soon as Illya’s on his feet, he raises a hand to his head and then sinks right back down into his chair.
Napoleon is now a lot worried, and no longer in a jovial mood.
“What’s wrong?”
Illya does not say anything. He’s closed his eyes and he’s breathing very deeply and very deliberately.
Napoleon has an idea. He takes a step into Illya’s space, reaches out a careful hand. Illya’s forehead and cheeks are hot beneath his palm. Ah.
“You’re sick,” Napoleon says.
Illya does not say anything, but Napoleon knows that he’s right.
“For how long?”
Still nothing.
“Okay, look. You simply can’t sleep here. It’s far too uncomfortable, and sooner or later, someone a lot less caring than me is going to come by and kick your chair.”
Illya opens his eyes a little. He looks exhausted, now that Napoleon really considers him. And miserable. It makes something in his chest feel as though it is being squeezed.
A solution enters his mind. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than nothing, and he knows Illya will not complain. “Come with me. When you’re feeling up to it.”
He waits for a few seconds before Illya very slowly pushes himself up. Napoleon wordlessly offers his arm, and Illya briefly grips it, closing his eyes. When the dizziness seems to have passed, he lets go and looks at Napoleon.
“Right. Well. Follow me.”
They go to the break room. It’s a rather forlorn space - the UNCLE agents, by and large, either do not have time to use it or would rather spend their free time anywhere else. The room is dark and has no windows. There is a rather sad bookshelf, a table with two mismatched chairs, and a couch that Napoleon firmly refuses to sit on.
But it’s a quiet space, and the couch is a better place to sleep than a desk.
Illya takes it with no protest. He does not bother to undress even slightly, tie and jacket and shoes still on. His eyes slip closed almost immediately, and Napoleon allows himself the simple indulgence of staring at his partner, just for a few seconds.
“I can feel you looking at me,” Illya mumbles, without opening his eyes.
“Sorry.”
He expects to be kicked out - needs to be, actually, so he can get back to his own work before someone realizes he’s not there.
“Will you…” Illya mumbles, on the verge of falling asleep.
“Yes?”
Tell me to leave. Please, ask me to stay.
He doesn’t get an answer either way. Illya has already fallen asleep.
He lingers a few seconds more. Wishes for a blanket to drape over Illya’s sleeping form, settles for his own jacket instead.
He turns off the lights, pulls the door shut behind him.
“Sleep well,” he whispers into the darkness, and then he gets back to work.
thanks for reading!!! love u all <3
#whumptober2023#no.17#leave me alone#the man from uncle#fic#sick#cared for#my writing#i say things#illya kuryakin#went to the botanical gardens today and then walked around a neighborhood i hadn't rlly been to before#(i've been there but it was dark and i did not know where i was relative to anything else)#and now i am going to the gym in a couple hours...nothing like a late in the pm workout
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Definitely better than Th/Fri/Sa/Sun but holy god flares are fucking exhausting
if anyone was curious, I'm almost 2k deep into another autistic Thirteen oneshot, and she is getting slammed with a healthy dose of my exhaustion via autistic burnout. lmaoooo
#i am still. so tired#went to bed earlier last night and got decent sleep so that's a start#also p sure i triggered the flare from#not taking enough movement breaks at work all week and so the past few days i've been taking short walks outside every couple hours#and now i've graduated to a handful of squats and stuff every once in a while lmao#PLEASE body i would love to feel NORMAL (or at least my baseline normal where i can at least leave the house to go to my office)#anya's house of whining#writing update#differential diagnosis
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The way things are going right now just in general, it's probably gonna be a hot minute before I get this fic done and ready for the world. But in the meantime, have this cover art style piece I meant to post for Halloween and didn't oops.
#my girls <3#I've been teasing this crossover idea for a while but I just have so much I'm writing right now#unfortunately this one's kinda getting shoved to the backburner until I can clear a couple things#but it's always somewhere in the forefront of my mind#I wanna see these girls hunt ghosts together 😭#I love that these two things take place roughly around the same time so I can actually do this#but anyway I digress#love y'all#yugioh gx#alexis rhodes#asuka tenjoin#fatal frame#fatal frame 5#fatal frame maiden of black water#yuri kozukata#abby attempts to draw#abby's fanfic writer power hour
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me just having the realization that changing states is about a death in the family yes, but also a death of what could've been for jeremiah and the mirroring of physical death and theoretical death...
#THIS IS ALL TO SAY THAT I REALIZE THIS BOOK NEEDS A PART 3#WHICH I JUST STARTED#SO PART 2 IS DONE#IT ENDS ON THE “HIS EYES ARE A SKY” PARA BC IT'S LIKE THE FIRST TIME JEREMIAH FEELS ALIVE SINCE HARRISON#god harrison (derogatory)#changing states gets better and better the more I write it maybe this is why I've been at the library for 2 hours and have procrastinated#so much that I now need to leave to get lunch & THEN COME BACK AND WRITE LOL#we got the first couple sentences tho <3
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wouldn't it be funny if I could write again lollollol........
#got a very sweet comment on a fic today and I was like oh my god. oh my goddddddd. ppl *still* like my stuff.#ppl still like my silly little stupid little stuff that I had stupid silly fin working on & it's dumb and silly but I shared it!#and ppl like it!#and I'm like not pushing myself anymore. like before I was kinda trying to force shit to happen#like sitting in bed with an open notebook/laptop like CREATE BITCH!#and I'm not doing that anymore lol and being on my meds has really made me feel SO much better#but also like I just don't.... have any ideas anymore. can't rotate blorbo like a rotisserie chicken anymore#I lay down to go to sleep now and because my body is not operating under severe extreme toxic anxiety levels anymore#I just fckn fall asleep. like I'm OUT. good night. sleepin. snoozin. zonked. 7+ hours.#no more blorbo thoughts at the end of the day I'm TIRED and my brain FINALLY shuts off#I hope one day I'll write again. I had so much fun with it. I have had a couple Thoughts#since I have been on my meds#but they're nothing more than a few quick sentences scrawled in a notebook.#it's like I'm doing so much other stuff and having fun in other ways and SLEEPING FINLALLY SWEET GOD ALMIGHTY#there's just like zero processing left for original blorbo ideas#this doesn't make sense and I bet you were all relieved cause I haven't ranted in tags in like months but hahaha#🤡 I STAY HONKIN'!!!! 🤡#(I'm actually really in a really good place mentally rn I promise like the best I've felt in years I'm just ahhh!! tonight lol)#erin explains it all
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yeah so next time i'm at ois's i'll definitly see if he'd let me try another of his meds just to see whether it's a fluke or not lol
#like he doesn't take them daily as he's meant to so he always has a surplus#Usually he just uses them until they run out and then fills the perscription - its not something he does every month on the month yknow?#and yeah he has been v open to my trying it out since i told him about my suspicions#well.. after the first time i told him & it was a lil bit of a shitshow but that was bad reactions on both our parts & we're over it now lo#he even said that like yeah#given that a common tester is seeing how you react to the meds#whether you go 'zoom zoom get a million things done in 20 minutes' or 'hey i can do these tasks with less pushback now'#and yeah i'm certainly not zooming#like hell i'm still on the conclusion i've been writing for the past couple hours#but its just easier to get it done#idk i'm rambling sorry lmao#a n y w a y i took it like 2 hours ago and it's a normal-speed release as far aas i'm aware so i'll probs just work on this for a lil while#like what i'm currently working on was due wednesday gone at 3pm (so like 49 hours ago here) and apparantly you lose 10% every day late#but i've had this lecturer for two other modules previous years and she never docks marks for lateness and i did a great presentation#for the module so here's hoping <3#well that was certainly a tangent lmao#me talking into the little hellsite (affectionate)
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ughhhh i hate it so much when I want to write but i can't
#it's not even a matter of time today#I've spent three hours in front of my pc with my wip open and scrolled down between tumblr and a couple more apps instead#and it's not that i don't WANT to write#i do#I'm inspired right now and I've been the whole day#but it's like my body and mind are exhausted#and they refuse to do it#like my body and mind are striking against me#i haven't been able to get anything else done all day#i was supposed to study then write and i could do none#It's so weird and frustrating#my writing#my fic writing#mary writes#(or at least tries to)
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I hate how much I've been working these days..... it's hard to write fic because I work all day and then when I get home I just wanna rest I'm too tired to do anything...... blahg
#I was hoping to get a couple drabbles out before the new year#but the new year is tomorrow.... now I don't think it's going to happen....#well I'll still try to finish what I've been working on#so I can use january to work on my next long smut fic#I hope after the new year my hours go back to normal again#it's also the gloomy cold weather#it always gives me no energy#I hope I don't work late tonight so I can write when I get home....
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Me, typing away on my phone notes: Will I ever actually write this fic or will this end up being a bullet-fic?
#i really want to write this for big bang coming up#which is why I'm outlining it first#but holy shit there is so much happening#i just ran what I've written so far through a word counter and I'm already at 4000 words#I'm not even through season 1 of this au!#what is going on here!#faith talks#it is a non-shipping fic right now#like so much so#but I've been at this for hours and only breaked a couple of times including to write the bit for stonathan sundays
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700 more words TT
#have written 1700 words today aknjfkjgfhj#i wonder if my strategy of just writing whatever tf i can think of down first (what i've been doing today)#and then going back and organizing/elaborating/deleting/etc after will come back to bite me tho#idk i had a solid like 1000 words i think where i wasn't struggling too much to write what i wanted to write#and then i was like lmfao shit now what#ugh anyway i'm tired but i wanna finish the 2400 words today so i can do all that otehr stuff to actually make it coherent tomorrow#it's due tomorrow afternoon ;-; and here i am putting words on tumblr dot com instead LOL#and then i have exam on friday ;-; but i like that class but it is rly hard and i havent fully comprehended everything yet#bc i havent done any practice/studying yet ;-; so gotta cram after turning this project in lmfao rip#ahhhhfhajfghlsdbjksdfgjlkadhgaidrhg screaming so close yet so far still lol#bro i was like very productive for like a couple hours maybe this afternoon and then after that i've been . not as productive TT#1700 words tho !!!!! 700 more i can do it probably TT#i could've chosen a final project option that wasn't writing some kinda essay but iiiiiiii didnt :'')#i actually like somehow completely forgot about the fact that i was obsessed w rina's htg album and one of the options was like a playlist#option and i feel like a lot of the songs could fit w themes we discussed in class this asian am lit class :P#esp bc minor feelings and we read (parts of) the book minor feeligns lol#but i forgot about that until someone mentioned the song in class as part of Their project 💀#but oh well i mean i was thinking about the playlist project bc it#seemed like the easiest ngl LMAO but nothing was rly jumping out at me for songs#granted when i was thinking about it my mind blanked to just like taylor even tho i definitely haven't only been listening to taylor XD#ANYWAY WORDS 700 WORDS#sigh maybe that 12-3am grind will hit lmfao#jeanne talks#FINALS WE CAN DO IT GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YALL DOING FINALS SHIT ANDGJFHGDJKDJFK
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man it really sucks having stupid idiotic thoughts in my head and not being able to write them down on paper, I'd probably be writing like 10 pages of bullshit in my diary right now if I could
I hate vertigo, I hate being dizzy, I just want to feel okay again ugggh
#literally I had like.. a couple weeks of feeling ok.#in the past FOUR FUCKING YEARS#it was fine!#and now it's not! this is SO much worse than being in pain! at least when the pain isn't too bad I can distract myself and DO things!#but everything I do just makes this so much worse!!!#so I'm frustrated because of that so I want to write it down but I can't because that makes it worse and thhst makes me more frustrated and#UGH#I can't even go outside! (not right now it's the middle of the night. I mean in general) because I can't fucking walk because I'm too#fucking dizzy#it's gotten worse#I hate it#also my leg has been twitching for like 2 hours and I think all of that is driving me insane#it would be funny if this finally did it#like I've been through so much shit in my life. everything fucking sucks. I watched my dad die. I don't feel like a real human being. my#brain is a piece of shit. my body has been getting worse for years.#but the thing that is finally just too much. after all of that. is being dizzy. okay cool#but no I've been dizzy regularly for years it's the fucking constant up and down up and down of everything around me. all day and all night#it fucking wakes me up at night#oksx enough whining typing makes it worse too so i'm gonna go watch movies while losing my mind
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Girlies, we've made it
#ya gurl made it to helsinki :)#thus far i've just been incredibly stressed out but after a few good hours of sleep i think i'll be ready to take on this holiday#this trip has been my lifeline for literallllly 6 months#first time flying and staying in a foreign country on my own#i've been up since 3:30 and just had 4 shots of espresso in a really cute french café#also flat whites with coconut milk SLAP#the main train station kinda stressed me out#but it's a lot more chill around these parts so it's fine :)#will probs take a small walk in a couple of hours#also the guy at airport security in Berlin was so nice to me???#i think he thought i was having a panic attack which i almost did have but i didn't think it was that obvious haha#tried to do some class work in the café but BOY my brain is not in the mood for that today#but also what kind of task is 'write down questions you have about academic writing'#ma'am this is my 6th semester#off to a nap now#catch ya later nerds ( affectionately)
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