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junker-town · 4 years

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We drafted basketball teams made up of ‘Star Wars’ characters. Which is best?

Was the Force with any of us as we made our picks?

A short time ago in a galaxy very close to here, the Skywalker saga reached its conclusion with the release of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Episode IX maybe the finale of the series’ third movie trilogy, but it’s far from the end of Star Wars as we know it, thanks to the limitless runway Disney+ offers and the overwhelming desire for nostalgia that is Hollywood today. (Give it a decade before we get the beginning of another movie trilogy). But it still marks a pivotal turning point for those of us invested in the saga.

So to celebrate, five diehard sports and Star Wars fans came together to do something (long pause) truly special: draft a five-man basketball team to take down a crew of alien ballers hiding out in the Unknown Regions.

There will be a substantial reward for the team who defeats these invaders. Managers were free to use any draft methods necessary, but we want this to be a fair fight. No superteams.

So, we laid out some important ground rules:

Only one Force-wielder — i.e. Jedi, Sith, etc — per team.

Only one droid per team. (Though one of the teams doesn’t have a droid).

Each team must possess at least one sentient alien. Unlike the Empire, who looked down on non-humans, we don’t discriminate.

All Star Wars canon can be considered, and by all, we mean all. (No Legends canon, though). Because of that, we made use of lots of characters from the many animated shows, The Mandalorian, and other side projects. We took this very seriously.

We’re building an actual basketball team, so chemistry matters. As the old basketball saying goes, there’s only one thermal detonator.

Those guidelines — particularly the one limiting everyone to just one force user— made for a fascinating draft. Here’s how it played out.

Allow everyone to explain themselves.

The Slamdoshans (Tyson Whiting)

PG: Ahsoka Tano (Force user) SG: L3-37 (droid) SF: General Grievous PF: Bossk (alien) C: Sarlacc COACH: General Armitage Hux

With the guidelines in place for the draft, I wanted to make sure I picked a team with players who would bend the rules as much as possible.

Some might find it “unfair” that I have two lightsaber-wielding players on my team. To be clear, Grievous may have lightsabers, but he is not a Force user. Plus, though he is mostly machine, he is technically of the Kaleesh race, therefore making him an alien pick. (My masters degree in Star Wars is already paying off). His four arms and ability to turn into a weird spider thing has the potential to surprise opposing players.

I was criticized at the time for choosing Ahsoka Tano over a Skywalker as my Force user, but she was trained by Anakin Skywalker, so she knows all his moves. She’s a great leader and showed her craftiness in tight situations during the Clone Wars.

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L3-37 and Bossk are my sleeper picks of chaos. L3 will-trash talk you into submission, though I might have a problem with her on Twitter. I picked up Bossk’s nasty 7-foot-tall ass because he will walk through you, hissing and spitting while he does. I also assume he has incredible ball control with those three-finger hands.

So the Sarlacc. I know what you’re thinking: yes, I AM a genius. Sure, he (it?) can’t move, set a pick, or really leave the ground in any way. But stick this bad boy under the net and you’ll never surrender a layup or rebound EVER AGAIN.

Also Coach Hux will hit you so hard with those pregame speeches that you’ll have no choice but to win.

Tosche Station Power Converters (Caroline Darney)

PG: Cassian Andor SG: Lando Calrissian SF: The Mandalorian PF: Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader (Force user) C: Chewbacca (alien) COACH: Orson Krennic

Look at this perfect squad. Getting Chewbacca with my first-round pick (No. 2 overall) was clutch, and his big frame will dominate in this league. Anakin/Vader was a steal in the fourth round, and this is Rogue One peak-condition Darth Vader. His rage may lead to some bad fouls, but he’s been instructed not to force choke the refs.

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I decided to lock down a pair of sharpshooters on the wings in the form of Lando Calrissian (Solo’s Donald Glover version) and the Mandalorian (affectionately known as Mando). They can run off of screens set by either big man (seriously, the screens are going to be so beautiful), and are both catch-and-shoot players. Mando’s inability to take his helmet off could get in the way at times, but his support of Baby Yoda makes it all worth it. Also, imagine the fits Lando will wear walking into the arena before the game. The capes! So many capes and furs!

To bring it all together, I needed the ultimate team player running the point. Enter Rogue One’s Cassian Andor. Quick, resourceful, and full of the intangibles coaches love, Andor is the perfect distributor for this squad. He doesn’t care about personal stats, but he will come through in the clutch if he has to get a last-minute bucket.

I know there may be questions about Director Krennic running the squad, but he’s here solely for the perfect quotes. Just imagine: when the defense is lacking, Krennic can hit them with “Are we blind? Deploy the garrison!” When my team wins the title, you can already hear him saying, “As we stand here amidst MY achievements.” Or, if his job is in question, hitting ownership with “your concerns are hardly warranted.”

But let’s be real. Vader is the player-coach of this team.

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Dooku Blue Devils (James Dator)

PG: Yoda (Force user) SG: Greedo (alien) SF: Boba Fett PF: K2-SO (droid) C: Rathtar COACH: Watto

How did they sleep on this roster? The fools. The intergalactic fools. I’ve got Yoda running the point as my Muggsy Bogues-esque hero and distributor. I wanted my Force user touching the ball every single possession, and this was the best way to do it.

From there, I wanted to lock down the paint. I have some big basketball beasts as my enforcers. K2-SO is 7’1, and Rathtar has as astonishing 20-foot wingspan thanks to its tentacles, which will be too much for most teams to overcome.

The secret to my team is Greedo. I needed offense, and everyone knows his love of shooting first. (Editor’s Note: Please strike the end of that sentence from the record). If he needs to be kept in line, I have complete faith in Boba Fett’s “game respect game” bounty hunter familiarity.

Finally, I picked Watto to be my coach because I want a merciless cheater.

Project Harvester (Mike Prada)

PG: Bo-Katan Kryze SG: Sheev Palpatine (Force user) SF: IG-88 (droid) PF: Captain Phasma C: Jabba The Hutt (alien) COACH: Grand Admiral Thrawn

My toughest decision came in the first round. Do I wait on picking my Force user and build up the rest of the team, or do I just bite the bullet and take the most powerful being in the galaxy, personality issues and all? In the end, I gave in to my hate. Talent trumps character.

After that, I couldn’t take any good guys because there’d be obvious philosophical clashes. Jabba’s ego makes him a risky pick, but I’m gambling that he’ll be fine protecting the paint if Palpatine gives him a few post touches. IG-88 and Phasma are quality 3-and-D wings that’ll take on the tough assignments, and Thrawn is a master tactician who has the star’s trust. Point guard was tricky, but Bo-Katan has the versatility to play a secondary role while not being afraid to challenge the star if he steps slightly too far out of line. (I hope she has more respect for Palpatine than she did for Maul in Clone Wars).

Palpatine will take all the shots, which isn’t ideal. But hey, it works for the Rockets.

The Bombads (Russ Oates)

PG: R2-D2 (droid) SG: Rey (Force user) SF: Jar Jar Binks (alien) PF: Cara Dune C: Wampa COACH: Admiral Ackbar R2-D2 is the true hero of the Star Wars saga and always knows what to do in a tight spot. He’d be an excellent floor general on the court. While she is new to the Force, Rey keeps picking up points and has been able to disrupt the First Order’s offense. Cara Dune is a former New Republic shock trooper, so yeah, she’s going to grab all the rebounds. Better watch out for the claws on the Wampa, or you’ll be sorry. Admiral Ackbar can spot a trap by the opposing team.

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Y’all can hate on the Jar Jar Binks pick if you want. I’ll accept the creative destruction he will cause on the court.

Which team are you taking to address this looming threat in the Unknown Regions? Vote in the poll below. The winner gets the full bounty. The loser is stuck with a bunch of useless tracking fabs. (Click here if you can’t see the poll).

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