Your fic reca are what’s literally keeping me alive right now! Thank you 🙏 Do u have any new Virgin Sherlock, Sensitive Sherlock or first time Johnlock fic recs? I would be forever grateful

Hi Nonny!!! *HUGS*

Aww, I’m happy my blog is making you happy! I’ve actually recently released a part 2 list for Virgin Sherlock last month so you can check these out:

Virgin Sherlock

Virgin Sherlock Pt. 2

As for First Time / Sensitive Sherlock, ahhhh, I’m gonna use this opportunity actually to update my First Times List, if that’s okay? Only because I have a list already started, and I’m currently compiling a “sensuality” list that I think will meet your needs for sensitive Sherlock when I post it (another ask from another Nonny) so I’ll save it for that time :P Though you might like Shy Sherlock  and Sherlock Soft With Children for that one!

Anyway.... Here we go! :D

FIRST TIMES Pt. 2

See also: First Time || [MOBILE]

Bathroom Accessories by Evenlodes_Friend (E, 3,324 w., 1 Ch. || Sex Toys, Butt Plug, First Kiss / Time, Romance, Horny Sherlock, John’s Patience Wears Thin, Humour, Bottomlock) – John discovers that Sherlock has been playing with some very adult toys in the bath.

Nothing So Sweet by alexxphoenix42 (E, 5,275 w., 1 Ch. || Shopkeeper AU || Beekeeping, Sussex, Alternate First Meeting, Awkward First Time Sex, Self-Consciousness / Body Insecurity, Fluff, Hand Jobs) – In an alternate universe, Sherlock is busy keeping to himself, tending his bees, and selling lovely jars of honey when a soldier limps into his life quite unexpectedly. Part 1 of The Sweetest Things

My First, My Only, and My Forever by vintagelilacs (E, 6,220 w., 1 Ch. || Post-ASiB, Virgin Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock’s Bum, John’s Scar, Sherlock POV, Body Worship, Fingering, Bottomlock, Promise of Forever / Proposals, Misunderstanding, First Kiss/Time, Loss of Virginity, Virginity Kink, Seduction) – Sherlock narrowed his eyes. He was missing a vital piece of data, he was sure. John had been looking at him oddly ever since they left Buckingham Palace, and the ensuing incident with Irene Adler had only exacerbated his erratic behaviour. What was it? Why would he care that Sherlock was a virgin? There was nothing reminiscent of mockery or pity in his gaze. And then it hit him. John Watson was aroused.

Bridges by sussexbound (M, 6,602 w., 1 Ch || Post-TLD / S4 Fix It, Love Confessions, Mending Relationships, Moving Back In, Pining Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Past Abuse, Shaving) – The silence between them is deafening, interrupted only by the hum of the traffic outside, and the soft click-clunk of the plastic cups Rosie is playing with on the floor beside them. It is the first time they have been alone together, since Sherlock’s birthday. It’s only been two days, but it feels huge, important, like there is a precarious bridge stretched out before them both that they need to at least attempt to traverse.

An Interpretation of Viewing Habits by akitsuko (E, 6,653 w., 1 Ch. || Porn Watching, Masturbation, Anal, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss / Time, Declarations of Love, Jealous Sherlock, Fantasizing, John in Denial / Internalized Homophobia, Bottomlock, Pining Idiots, Sherlock Has No Boundaries, Cockblocking Sherlock) – John watches porn. It's a perfectly normal thing to do. If every video he watches happens to feature actors with remarkable physical similarities to his flatmate, well, that's no one's business but his own. Or: John is in denial, until his infatuation with Sherlock is impossible to deny anymore.

Time on my hands by Mildredandbobbin (M, 7,179 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-S3, One Night Stands, Mutual Pining, Virgin Sherlock, First Time, Sexual Exploration / Discovery, Desperation, Body Worship) – Virginity’s a construct, a concept—what does losing one’s virginity entail for a gay man anyway? Sherlock wants to fill that particular gap in his knowledge but John won’t, can’t, never will assist and there’s only so much desperately unspoken pining even Sherlock can take.

Sometimes When We Touch by kedgeree (M, 7,755 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, First Kiss/Time, Inappropriate Giggling, Romance, Friends to Lovers, Virgin Sherlock, John Whump, Touching) – John might be touching Sherlock a little more often than is strictly necessary. Sherlock probably hasn't even noticed. Right...?

Just Like That by sussexbound (E, 8,442 w., 1 Ch. || First Time/Kiss, Frottage, Virgin Sherlock, French Kissing, Anal, Emotional Lovemaking, Enthusiastic Consent, Tenderness, Crying John, Bathing/Washing, Insecure John, Toplock) – John doesn’t want to talk anymore. He wants. Oh dear god, how he wants. For the first time in what feels like years he WANTS.

London Gods by a_different_equation (E, 11,092 w., 5 Ch. || American Gods Fusion || Magical Realism, Sex Magic, True Love, PTSD John, First Kiss/Time, Marathon Sex, Sensuality, Genie Sherlock, Human John, Internalized Homophobia, Star-Crossed Lovers, Soul Mates) – Sherlock Holmes is a jinn who does not grant wishes. However, when Dr. John H. Watson, recently returned from the war in Afghanistan, gets into his cab by "accident", it might not even need magic to grant both men their deepest wish: love.

The shape of the world around us by Salambo06 (E, 15,058 w., 5 Ch. || Lumberjack John / Botanist Sherlock, Different First Meeting, John Has a Beard, Light Case Fic, Flirting, First Kiss / Time, Masturbation, Love at First Sight, Horny Sherlock, John’s Bum, Bottomlock, Tenderness, Virgin Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Shy Sherlock, Sexual Fantasies) – Looking through the bush, Sherlock felt his heartbeat quicken as a man passed in front of him. Sherlock frowned, trying to get a closer look despite the bush. The man was wearing a red plaid shirt rolled up to his elbows, and Sherlock couldn't take his eyes off the man’s arms. Muscular, slightly tanned with golden hairs along his forearms. For some unknown reason, Sherlock found himself imagining them around his waist, holding him tightly. Closing his eyes for the briefest second, Sherlock shook his head. Opening his eyes and looking back to where the man stood only a moment prior, he found himself alone. Great, now his only chance to find his way back to town was gone. “Why are you wearing a suit?”

Permanent Fixture by vitruvianwatson (E, 18,836 w., 9 Ch || Post-S4, Parentlock, Slow Build, Friends to Lovers, They’re Good Parents, Blushing Sherlock, First Kiss/Time, Explicit Consent, Sexual Content, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Big Feelings, Crying, First Kiss, Fluff, Anxious Sherlock, Inexperienced Sherlock, Emotional Communication, Love Confessions) – Now, as Rosie sat curled up against Sherlock’s side, John watched and wondered exactly how he had ended up here. Domesticity had never suited him before, not at any point in his life. His disastrous marriage had been proof of that. But somehow, here in the warmth and safety of 221B Baker Street, here with Sherlock Holmes reading medical jargon to his daughter, Sherlock’s bony feet nudging against his leg, John couldn’t imagine anyplace that would make him happier.

The Wisteria Tree by SilentAuror (E, 29,773 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S3, Emotional Love Making, Amnesia/Memory Loss, Sherlock Loves John So Much, Sherlock POV, Romance, Angst with Happy Ending, First Times, Hurt/Comfort, Est. Rel., Retirement) – Sherlock wakes up from a month-long coma only to discover that he has no memory of the previous six years to his own shock as well as John's...

The Real Great Perfumers by shelleysprometheus (E, 45,355 w., 68 Ch. || Case Fic, Alternating POV, Gay Sherlock / Bi John, Canon Compliant with Divergence at TRF, Friends to Lovers, Oral / Anal, Pining, First Kiss / Time, Dev. Rel., Drugging, Body Worship, Bathing, Love Confessions, Travelling, Bottomlock, Cranky Sherlock, BJ’s, Alternating POV, Jealous John) – The case, this case. This extraordinary, fascinating, scintillating case. A house. Designed entirely by its eccentric owner, built by no less than five hundred expert tradesmen in the heart of Marrakesh. A house that had, seemingly not only driven its owner out, but also to his quite unpleasant death. And a perfumer, a chemist no less, the very thought of the secrets that house could reveal, would reveal was irresistible. Sherlock had to have this case ... and it seems, he also had to have John! Part 1 of the Forethought and Fire series

Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.

A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w., 16 Ch. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because...new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride... prepare for blast off. Part 1 of SpaceBois go to Space

Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he's consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.

Just To Hold You Close by sussexbound (E, 70,841 w., 18 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting, Sherlock POV, ASD Sherlock, PTSD John, Demisexual Sherlock, Bisexual John, Cuddling/Snuggling, Platonic Cuddling, Enthusiastic Consent, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, First Kiss/Time, Sexual Tension, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Cuddle Negotiations, For a Case Until It Isn’t, Hair Petting, Sexual Negotiation, Anxiety, Trust Issues, Slow Burn, Panic Attacks, Frottage, Hand/Blow Jobs, Referenced Self Harm / Abuse / Suicidal Ideation, First Kiss/Time, Anal, Autistic Sherlock) – When a woman is murdered and the last person to see her alive is recently invalided army vet turned reluctant (and prickly) professional cuddler, John Watson, Sherlock Holmes is pulled into a world of intimacy and intrigue he never could have imagined. John is a conundrum and mystery: frank yet reserved, tender yet angry, open yet afraid. Sherlock is instantly drawn into his orbit, and begins to feel and desire things he never has before.

Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."

Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU ||  BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Drug Rehab, Falling in Love, Pining Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Violin, Panic Attacks, Switching, Anxious / Protective Sherlock, Hugs for Comfort, Suicide Mentions, Healing Each Other) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn't truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes." Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest

Given In Evidence by verityburns (M, 97,884 w., 19 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Angst, Drama, Case Fic, Romance, BAMF!John, Submissive Sherlock, First Kiss, Humour) – Coming back from the dead can be a complicated business. With a new case on the horizon, rebuilding a life is one thing... rebuilding a friendship quite another. For Sherlock and John, things may never be just the same...

EX ~ Roger Taylor {PT 3}

I really want to thank you all for the love you show towards this imagine!

Part 4 will be posted soon!

catch up: part one, part two

masterlist

The studio session was almost over. Knowing that Derek was around the studio, had you sitting at the same room for ten hours. It was exhausting for you but as long as the band was happily working you didn't bother. You played with Freddie's scrabble, solved crosswords and listened to their demos.

You really wanted to use the toilet but you had to walk through Derek's office which was at the entrance hall. You wished he wasn't at his office but after walking through that place you were wrong. You just ignored his presence and got inside the wc with fast moves. You locked the door in case he would invade.

He used to do things such as in the past. He'd even force you having sex with him when you didn't want to. You didn't date for more than a year. But that sex tape is still on his hands and it would ruin you in any moment. But not only you. It would also ruin Queen's success and Roger's mental health. You were scared to death if Derek would leak it and say to the press: Queen's Roger Taylor's girlfriend, caught cheating on him after sex tape leaked.

You would die. You loved Roger so much, it would hurt you knowing that he was devastated after the leak. But you were so drunk when it happened. Derek showed it to you the other day and you made him promise he would never publish it. But you were random people then. Now? It would be a scandal now.  You're Queen's drummer's girlfriend and he's the promo manager. You're ruined.

You washed your hands after your need and the door was knocked.

"W-who is this?" You were scared. "Roger?" You hoped it was your man.

"If you think it's over, it's not." It was Derek.

"What do you want?" You stood behind the door, refusing to unlock until you hear Roger.

"Having that really good movie of yours, can make me really rich you know." Oh god, you said inside your head. You knew where he was taking it.

"How can you be rich with my body on it?" I asked him terrified. The thought of your body being published at the public eye, sickens you.

"Because either you give me 20 million pounds, or it's out." You knew he was smiling. He always played with your insecurities. You were afraid of breaking up with him, until he had to leave for the US and you were finally free.

"Why are you doing this? You'll get in real trouble." You defended yourself.

"So will your boyfriend's career with the rest of the boys. You don't want to ruin them, do you?" He evily said.

"I won't let you do it. You'll be fired after it." You said.

"Which means, I'll get money with or without you. That's why I got hired here. I knew you were dating him, that's why I decided to work for them." He laughed.

"You're so..." You couldn't talk. You were hurt.

"Evil? I know. Thank me later." You felt him leaving from the door and now you were safe to leave.

"Where's Y/N?" You heard Roger's gentle voice from the outside. But it wasn't gentle enough towards Derek.

"I saw her entering the wc." What an ass he is? He literally threatened you before. Again.

"Babe you're alright?" Roger came to the door, knocking it softly.

You opened the door and hugged him. His hug was the safest place in the world. He thought something happened. That hug wasn't any hug. It was a help me kind of hug.

"Please tell me you finished." You whispered in his ear without being noticed by Derek.

"Just finished. Let's go." He grabbed your hand and you greeted the rest of the guys before leaving the studio.

"You want us to join you?" You heard Freddie asking in the background and Roger answered  for you. "We are fine! We need a rest." He said and both of you left the studio.

"Baby, you wanna grab something to eat? You must be hungry." He gently told you.

"Yeah, sure..." You quietly said and both got inside the jeep, in which Roger would take you at the nearest fast food restaurant.

"Y/N, you look upset." He checked on you while the traffic light was red.

"Roger, he threatened me." You said and his expression got legit serious. Roger isn't a man with a steady temper. He can lose control in no time.

"He what?" He looked at you seriously. "What? When?" He asked concerned.

"I really wanted to use the toilet and I locked, making sure he wouldn't open the door. He was standing behind the door telling me things." You could barely speak out of your teeth. Rog, had to drive. The light turned green.

"Please, let me focus on the road or I'll kill somebody if you tell me now what he said. Just wait a little babe and you'll continue." He reassured you and waited for him to find any discreet place to eat.

There, you finally found a fast food restaurant with not so many people inside. Roger grabbed your hand and walked inside, towards the cashier. The cashier was shocked after noticing which rock star was in front of her. She could barely speak.

"Babe what do you want?" He asked you, ignoring her shook face.

"What you take, I don't mind." You smiled at him.

He made the order and waited for around ten minutes to grab your dinner. You sat at one of the red coaches, the restaurant has, isolated from the rest. You both ate before starting talking. Roger was really hungry and it was obvious. He vanished an entire dish in less than ten minutes. You were still eating, enjoying your dinner, trying to forget the threat. Roger was in front of you, playing with your free hand. You could feel some paps taking pics of you two.

"Rog they spotted us." You awkwardly said.

"It's fine. They won't come inside. Just place your hand at your cheek, covering your mouth." He advised you and did what you were told to. "Can you tell me now?" His face was serious, he could be a really good listener, drunk or not. But he was sober, he knew you were upset and wanted you to feel relaxed around him.

"He wants money or the video is published." You tried to hold back your tears but you couldn't help.

"How much?" He asked seriously, changing his position, sitting next to you.

"Twenty million pounds. I'm fucking cancelled. You're cancelled too. You better break up with me." You cried, leaning your body against Roger's side. He protected you by not being seen by the paps. They shouldn't see you crying.

"We will go through this together. I'll talk with the band and Beach." He hugged you tight and kissed your head.

"He admitted he got the promo manager job just to threaten me. He knew we were dating before." You looked at him and he cleaned your eyes from the tears. He was in shock. His career was at stake. "He was toxic with me all this time. I was drunk when he recorded me, I swear!" You said, trying to apologise.

"Babe, I believe you. I know you keep this perfect body off-cam." He joked, trying to make you feel better. " You hide it too well, for me..." He winked at you and you finally laughed. "That's my girl... It will pass. I'm not leaving you." You nodded and felt so special to him. "Shall we go?" He asked you and followed him when you both stood up.

He was holding your hand when you walked through all the paps out of the restaurant. You both kept your heads low, not to be seen in that condition by these people who love invading your private lives.

"Roger, will we expect a baby soon?" You heard a pap shouting at your boyfriend. His hand at you got tighter.

"Is your girlfriend hiding something?" That question almost hit you in the stomach. You tried not to raise your head or suspicions would get started.

"She looked upset inside! Tell us!" A woman shouted and Roger was too close on beating their asses.

Thankfully, you both made it to your car, without saying any word. He drove fast, getting away by the paps.

"Babe, they know nothing. You know they do questions like these." He reassured you, touching your thigh.

"Yeah..." You quietly said. "Can we go to my home please?" You asked him.

"Of course." His voice was so soft to you. He calmed you down.

•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•

You both got to your home, without any talk. You both removed your coats and went inside your bedroom. You took off all your clothes, staying at your underwear and your bra. Roger couldn't stop staring at you, despite the sad vibe that took over you.

"Y/N, it's going to be fine. He won't harm any of us." He wrapped his hands around your belly.

"I'm going to take a shower. I'm tired." You dodged his previous words and went inside the bathroom.

Roger meanwhile, went into your living room, dialling Freddie. He wished he would pick it up. It was an emergency. Thankfully, Freddie was home.

"Hello?"  Freddie asked.

"It's Roger. I'm at Y/N's..."  His voice was calm and that concerned Freddie.

"Hey how's she? She was shocked when she saw Derek. Something's wrong between these two." Freddie got suspicious after the look exchange between Derek and you.

"They know each other Freddie." Roger's voice was shaking, afraid if you would be published everywhere.

"H-how? He got hired after his return from the US." Freddie was confused.

"They used to date for a year in the past. Listen, the girl is in the bathroom. Do what you have to do discreetly. Tell the boys if necessary." He started.

"Okay, darling, I'm all ears." Freddie was afraid of his friend's situation. "Is s-she fine?"

"No, this asshole has a sex tape of her. She was drunk when he recorded her. I'm afraid he gave her drugs. Drinks can't make you too much unconscious." Roger lost his temper.

"Oh my God, my poor girl. Now what? Is he threatening her or something?" He asked in literal shock.

"He wants money or it's fucking out. She'll die of embarrassment. She's afraid of our careers too. He knew we were dating, that's why he applied for the promo manager job." Roger explained at Freddie.

"Alright, alright. I'll come up with something. I'll talk to Miami." Freddie tried to remain calm.

"Good. I really have to be careful with her now. If that dick leaks it, she's lost. If necessary, I'll take the blame." Roger bravely said.

"How can you take the blame?" He asked.

"That dick will probably announce it as Y/N cheating on me. I'll make sure to save it. I believe he's just showing his dick on this vid." Roger would do anything to save it. Even at the lowest.

"Oh my God, Roger, will you ask her about the tape? And we have a press conference soon. Do you want me to say that was me in the tape? I don't mind. You know they always try to find something in order to throw me shade." Freddie was also capable of saving your ass.

"No Fred, thanks though. I'm serious with her now. I will go through it with her." He silently said because your shower was over.

"I am by your side on this, Rog. If you both need anything just tell me." He said.

"Thanks Fred, I'll owe you." The band's drummer whispered.

"You'll owe me a party attendance with your future wife." Freddie threw a hint towards Roger about you two getting married in the future.

"Sure... Goodnight and thank you..." He hangs up and went back to her bedroom.

He took off all his clothes and went inside your bathroom, where you covered yourself with the towel, leaving almost nothing to his imagination.

"You look amazing." He smiled at you and couldn't help but hug him.

"Thank you..." You told him. "Hey Roger?" You asked concerned. He made a sweet grimace, accepting your question. "You surely won't leave me deal with all this crap? He's dangerous." You asked again.

"I love you and never doubt that. Even if he publishes it, he won't get away with that so easy." He kissed you, taking away your worries.

"But I don't want the world to see me having sex, Roger!" you defended yourself.

"Would you mind telling me how it's like?" He asked and you look at him confused. "I mean the tape." he clarified.

"He's in first person. Oh my God, that's so embarrassing." You covered your face in awkwardness.

"Hey babe, don't be embarrassed to me. You're so wild in bed. Don't be shy now." He mocked you.

"God, fine! It's me on the cam, saying naughty words-"

"That's not something new." He interrupted you.

"Just let me finish!" you slightly yelled at him and he stopped talking. "I'm naked in front of the cam! What else do you want to know?" You asked embarrassed.

"What are you doing to him?" He asked and you felt him getting jealous.

"He was doing to me, actually. I was too drunk knowing what I did." You answered.

"Alright, do you remember? Was his face on the cam?" He asked.

"No it wasn't. Let's not get into details, please. It makes me uncomfortable." You stopped right there the talk about your sex tape.

His face wasn't on the screen and that was beneficial for Roger to put the blame on him. He literally thought he could just say that was him on the tape. He could make it even spicier. He could turn Derek into dust.

You laid on your bed, while Roger was taking a shower. He was concerned about you and there was no doubt about it. His love was enough for you to get the support you needed. But your body on the public eye didn't make you open enough to talk about. Even at your boyfriend, who was currently staring at you from your room's door, with just a towel, around his lower body. You smiled at him and he came closer to you, sitting at the edge of the bed.

"Roger you smell nice." You stood next to him, caressing his chest.

"Y/N, I know you had a hard day, but would you mind if I got a little of you.. You know? It's okay if you don't. I understand." He was desperately asking for sex. He was too kind asking you for it. You didn't want to say no. Derek would never do that. He'd just tie you so you wouldn't move, to satisfy his bitch ass.

"Yes sure, baby..." You smiled at him and he stared at you in surprise. He didn't expect that from you.

He took the control tonight, like most of the times. He's the type of guy who wants to rule between you two. He's such a Leo, you can't doubt that. He made passionate love to you, wishing to forget how terrible your day was. He knew how bad you were feeling, so all he wanted for you was receiving great pleasure waves. He was so protective over you tonight, afraid if he'd hurt you like you hurt yourself or something else. But he was just your loving boyfriend, taking care of you.

Wolfsbane : Noblesse Fanfic (post-ending)

(previous chapter)

Chapter 6 – Frankenstein’s Secret

“Goddamn it.”

Frankenstein spat out a contemptuous grumble, stowing away his Dark Spear. His goal was to keep the monster in his grip for 3 minutes, but the stopwatch in his pocket was marked with digits 1 and 13, a record 30 seconds shorter than the previous one.

Despite the shortness of time lapse, the chamber looked utterly disastrous, plastered with dark purple on every corner of its floor, walls, and ceiling. Frankenstein could not help marveling how he was standing on pieces of tiles instead of their particles.

“This is gonna cost me another series of days and nights,” said Frankenstein in a biting tone, looking around the calamity he brought upon the chamber once again.

Ever since the nuclear missile launch by Crombell, there had been several changes Frankenstein met.

First, for example, the number of vacancies in his house at Seoul increased. Second, the name engraved on the nameplate in the Ye Ran chairman’s office is no longer his. Third, the diplomatic relation between Lukedonia and wolfkind is now completely and literally on the bright side.

Yes, quite a lot has changed, but what Frankenstein just forced himself to encounter was the biggest and most noteworthy change. And a bad change.

Unlike before, Frankenstein’s power turned unimaginably unstable. The degree of instability was nothing like before. Now a mere act of summoning the Dark Spear has become, metaphorically, trying to make an ice cube stay perfectly unscathed while slamming down a gigantic hammer onto it in full power.

And the missile launch was the genesis of such catastrophic change. Or rather, it all began the minute Frankenstein felt his bond to his master shattered.

*****

Fifteen days ago, when the bond from his contract with Raizel was destroyed, Frankenstein was tortured by the aftermath of his loss. He felt as if the most fundamental root of his soul was broken down. He felt as if he were a prisoner to the extinction of his entire time and existence. Most of all, he felt as if every biological molecule of his body was detonated, and oh-good-heavens, how it hurt.

It was more than a loss. A mother would have deemed it the death of her child. A patriot would have dubbed it the day his country was eternally conquered. Juliet would have identified it the moment she saw Romeo fallen about her. And it hurt.

His pain burned his entity even when he with the rest of his fellow fighters returned to his home. Which is why the first thing he did upon stepping through his door was to make everyone promise that they will leave him alone for a while, so that he could let his powers screech and shriek and scream in mourning annihilation, in a special chamber under the ground.

His control was totally lost as he roared in the center of a storm of black and purple. The last bit of his sense of responsibility forbid him of pulling out his weapon, but he brandished his dark power so viciously even Gradeus would grovel, begging for his mentorship.

The only time in the past he had ever unleashed his power without restraint was when he lost the tug-of-war against his own power and forfeited his mind.

And he had rather wished he would lose his mind, for the pain was unendurable to handle with his sanity intact. Much to his dismay and heartbreak, his mind was at full function, incising his foundational essence with psychological, emotional, and spiritual trauma.

After whipping up a tempest of maddening woe, he fell asleep into a nightmare.

... ....... ...

‘...What?’

... .... r.. s.. F....

‘...What’s that noise?’

..F.. f... n....

‘What...? I can’t hear you...’

...Fr... ...tei... n....

‘I said I can’t hear you... It hurts.’

Frankenstein groaned, enveloped by mysterious noises echoing from eerie darkness.

...s.. s...

‘Shut up. I don’t wanna hear you... Just leave me alone.’

...ss... B...

‘Shut. Up. Just leave me alone...’

..ss. Bo...ss...

‘Please!!!!!’

“Boss!!!!!”

Noises resembling cacophony from unfocused radio were outdistanced by a familiar voice, and Frankenstein’s eyes frantically flashed open as if he were electrocuted.

Almost at the same time, his upper body slashed through the air in elevation, only to shrivel due to bone-wrecking pain that hit his whole body like a lightning.

Forcing himself to ignore his joints writhing in complaint as the result of his rampage, Frankenstein turned his eyes towards the source of the voice and ended up staring directly into the eyes of a man with black-hair-studded-with-white-locks. His eyes were trembling in uneasiness as he was kneeled by Frankenstein’s side.  

“...What are you doing here, Tao?”

“W-what do you mean, what am I doing here? I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m bushed, not brainless. And I know same could be said of you. I’m asking how you got in here, ‘cause I do remember sealing the chamber before... Before all this.”

“Uh... Well...”

Tao, instead of answering, directed his gaze beyond his shoulder, onto the door that was nearly dissipated into debris.

That was a cue for Frankenstein to take in the status of the special chamber designed to cloak and stand against Dark Spear’s power. The door was the least damaged component of the chamber, he noticed. Wherever he locked his eyes upon was marred by dark-purple blurs, as if the apocalypse itself dawned upon the room while Frankenstein was in dark frenzy.

“I could feel your power from up there, so I had to come down. What on earth happened here?”

“...I couldn’t help it.”

Frankenstein hoped he would not have to waste his energy talking, but Tao mouthed something incoherent, hinting that he needed to hear more.

“Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Uh... Actually, I’ve been watching you for roughly a minute.”

“...And?”

“That is, I’ve been watching you asleep. Or I think you were asleep. But when you were on the floor... I could see the Dark Spear’s aura rippling from your body.”

Tao then pointed towards the ceiling behind Frankenstein. There was a crevasse huge enough to hold the Eiffel Tower, dripping with purple aura that Frankenstein could identify anywhere, anytime.

“When I walked up to you, you started to mumble something. And that made the Dark Spear’s aura surge and do that. I would’ve thought you were showing off how strong you can be while on your back, if only I hadn’t seen how your eyes were closed, and your breathing was stable.”

Showing off how strong I am on my back? I don’t recollect beating your head that hard during our past trainings. In normal circumstances, Frankenstein would have jokingly retorted as so.

‘I emitted Dark Spear’s power during sleep?’

This was not the first time his control over the Dark Spear slipped during sleep. His past is an archive of numerous attempts and failures in governing the damned weapon.

However, now his failures are history, a record of his efforts in making friends with the Dark Spear. Ever since he honed his mastery of the Spear, he has never lost grip of his reins, regardless of the intensity or numeral degree of souls the Spear has absorbed.

He was aware that this time, out of his loss and pain, he deliberately bombarded the chamber with his power. He even considered throwing away his reasons to turn into a mad dog. Nevertheless, he did not plan at all to actually lose his control. And the level of damage was way beyond his calculation or expectation.

This chamber was repaired and improved at the time when he made a mimicry of Raizel’s seal with the power of the Dark Spear. In consideration of the chances that the Dark Spear will absorb increasingly stronger souls in the course of struggle against the Union, Frankenstein compounded the chamber’s cloaking integration and defense against Dark Spear’s power. Yet the chamber’s door was nearly unhinged, and Tao even picked up his power from dozens of meters above.

“Boss?”

Tao nervously called Frankenstein’s name, his voice now thicker with concern. Frankenstein had to intentionally change the subject, as he detected fear unparallel in Tao’s eyes.

“...What’s keeping the rest of the team?”

“...For some reason, Takio and M-21 suddenly left for school.”

“And Seira? Regis? Rael?”

“T-they left after they told me they’ll be away for a bit. So did Sir Karious. Since they asked me not to look for them for a while, unless it is absolutely necessary, I doubt they’ll be back by the end of the day.”

“Really...? Good.”

“No, it’s not good! Nothing is good! How can you say it’s good when something is obviously wrong with...”

“Yes, it is. Because I have just one person to silence on this matter.”

Tao gaped at him, quietly questioning his words. Frankenstein straightened his face, serious and devoid of fatigue from days of combat.

“I need a favor, Tao.”

Certain that his house will be empty, the next day, with Tao’s assistance, Frankenstein fixed his chamber as his time and resources allowed for an experiment: using a sample of rapidly-working sleep inducer to see if he loses his control over his weapon whenever he falls asleep.

The results from multiple rounds of experiments that therefore took place were neither helpful nor hopeful, for the Dark Spear’s aura leaked every time he was in slumber.

He wished he was mistaken. Or too imaginative. Or too tired and thus delirious. However, the fact that he always woke up to find Tao (who was in charge of injecting him with rapidly-working awakening drug before things got out of hand) wearing apprehension matching his own killed his hope.

“Maybe... Maybe this is because the Dark Spear absorbed the Blood Stone Crombell was using, at the end of your last battle with Crombell.”

And a hypothesis Tao offered to bring about a change in the atmosphere slaughtered his hope.

Frankenstein cursed the Blood Stone and its copies, as they were the direct or indirect cause of pain and damage for his master and those he held in his heart. But now the abominable stone was part of the Dark Spear – part of him.

The second the terrible realization swept through him, Frankenstein was urged to rip his own skin off his body out of self-abhorrence that exploded like a volcano.

And that was the reason why Frankenstein decided to leave Korea after Raizel’s return. The main reason, of course, was to discover the secret behind Raizel’s return as well as reinvigoration: to find out how in the world the Noblesse managed to not only rise from death but also become healthier than before.

On the other hand, he wanted to secretly resolve his secret. He wanted to separate pieces of the Blood Stone from Dark Spear in one way or another. And in the meantime, he wanted to somehow stabilize his power back to normal.

Hence he had to stay awake with his wolfsbane tonic, in order to prevent himself from discharging Dark Spear’s aura in sleep and to find command over the Blood Stone stuck in his weapon.

‘And here I am, not making progress at all. God, this thing would trash harder and harder whenever I pull it out.’

Sighing heavily, Frankenstein fell to the floor as he was engrossed in thoughts, speculating for how long would he be able to keep his secret a secret when he is now entrusted with Muzaka’s favor.

Until very recently, he has been wary only of his master. Although there is a link between their minds based on their contract, Raizel respected him. He would never inspect his loyal servant’s mind even if he wants to. In other words, his master would be unaware of his distress as long as he is careful. And since he happens to be away from Raizel, technically there is not a chance of getting caught in action by the Noblesse.

In fact, the greatest threat for him as of now is the secret agent Muzaka dispatched for him.

So far Lunark has noted nothing. But there is no guarantee he can keep it that way, especially when that afternoon he could see how attentive and observant she is. And much more interested in him than he had wanted.

‘Hang on. Want? Want what?’

Startled by his own thought, he soon reprimanded himself.

‘What could you possibly want from her, Frankenstein? She may not be an enemy any longer, but she is still the one to be most wary of.’

Pushing back the bitter ache somewhere in his body that rose out of unknown reason, Frankenstein calmed his breathing.

He was already plagued with tons of worries, but he knew what he had to do – get rid of his secret as fast as he can, without letting Lunark learn what is occupying his mind and soul.

‘I should borrow Tao’s hand if I have to. He is the only one who shares my secret.’

As soon as he recalled Tao’s name for once, the three initial members of the RK whom Frankenstein had left behind in Korea popped up in his mind.

‘Which reminds me, I wonder how they are doing with their duties.’

(next chapter)

Yes, this is the reason why Frankenstein had to leave Korea (at least in my fic) in addition to his new quest in discovering the secret behind Rai’s miraculous return to life, which will surely be discussed in this fic later on.

I figured it wouldn’t be so bad to decide that Frankenstein’s Dark Spear (hence his power) got unstable because of the Blood Stone that Crombell used before his demise. In fact, in the last episode of Noblesse Frankie did mention that Dark Spear will be unstable for a while because it absorbed Crombell and his Blood Stone.

Next up, we’ll be revisiting Korea to take a look at a couple familiar faces, one of whom will be an unexpected character long forgotten. :)

heartstrings - iv

hey here’s a reminder that this was supposed to be a one-shot and it’s now 4 parts with part 5 on the way because i wrote too much again.

part i | part ii | part iii

Rating: T Genre: Romance Characters: [Vax’ildan and Keyleth] [Percival de Rolo and Vex’ahlia] Words: 6,990

Kiki @keylethashari has tagged you in a tweet: New Q&A up and we’re talking music! creds to @vexmachina @vaxmachina @burtreynoldsesq @thelumineers and others!! // CR1 Vaxleth+Perc’ahlia YouTuber/Musician/Celebrity AU

AO3

Vax came to feeling a tingling pain in his abdomen. At first, all he could manage was staring at the backs of his eyelids because everything felt heavy and sluggish. After a long moment, he managed to force his eyes open, only to be nearly blinded by bright fluorescent lights. He squinted against them for a moment before his vision adjusted and he was staring at a plain white ceiling.

His limbs felt unreasonably heavy and stiff. He shifted, trying to raise his arm, and he finally looked around. He was wearing a thin, flimsy gown covered by thin, stiff blankets. His left index finger was encased by a plastic tip and there was a rhythmic beeping to his left. Vax also noticed that there was an IV connected into his left wrist.

The shock hit him suddenly as the memories slammed to the forefront of his mind. The dull pain in his stomach throbbed again and Vax jerked his hand to press against his abdomen. The sudden movement was apparently broad enough to awaken the woman dozing in the chair next to his bed.

Vax had hardly noticed Vex before she jolted awake, startled eyes fixating on him as soon as they opened. “Vax!” she gasped. She leaned forward in the plastic hospital chair and touched his arm. “How do you feel?”

Vax swallowed. His throat was uncomfortably dry. “I was shot,” he muttered.

Vex licked her lips, looking unnerved. “Yes,” she agreed. “And it scared the crap out of everyone.” She punched his arm.

“Ow!” he cried, glaring at her as he rubbed his shoulder. “What was that for?”

Vex folded her arms. “Don’t ever scare me like that again.”

The pain in his stomach pulsed again and Vax frowned, leaning back against the pillows. “How long have I been out?”

“All night and,” she paused, checking her phone, “most of today. They brought you into surgery almost immediately when you got here.”

Vax nodded slowly. “Sunday afternoon then, right?”

Vex nodded. “I should call your nurse. They should know you’re awake.”

Just as she stood to leave his side and the room, the door opened. A kind looking woman in scrubs who was likely his nurse stepped into the room, followed by someone that Vax recognized. His heart leapt into his throat as Keyleth followed the nurse in. She looked exhausted and worried, but as beautiful as ever. Her face was clear of make-up and she was wearing a simple sweater and jeans, but she was still radiant.

Her eyes lit up as they made eye contact and her lips curled into a relieved smile. Vax felt his own features twitch into a matching one, but the nurse quickly stepped to his bedside and broke his line of sight with Keyleth.

“Good to see you awake,” the nurse said politely. “How are you feeling?”

Vax shrugged awkwardly. “Okay, all things considered. I guess,” he paused, “I’m not sure how much is me and how much is the drugs.”

The nurse chuckled. “You’re on a fairly low dose, Vax’ildan, don’t worry. I can see about getting you something to eat and finding Dr. Carlisle to check up on you.”

Vex stood from her visitor’s chair. “I’ll handle the food. If he’s alright to have non-hospital food that is.”

The nurse nodded. She turned to look back at Vax. “You’re a very lucky young man. The shot managed to miss all of your vital organs. It did some tissue damage and will take time to recover from, but all things considered, it wasn’t a bad place to take a bullet. He’s free to eat almost anything, but softer foods would be better so not to agitate anything.”

Vex smiled. “Of course.” She looked down at Vax and then across the room at Keyleth who had resorted to standing awkwardly by the door. “I’m sure that Keyleth would be more than happy to keep you company while I go out and pick something up. I’ll let the others know you’re awake too.”

With that, Vex swept out of the room and after several brief moments of assessments, the nurse followed, leaving Vax and Keyleth alone. She hovered by the door, shifting from foot to foot nervously. Vax exhaled slowly and gestured for the chair next to the bed. Keyleth bit her lip, but walked towards it, sinking into the seat Vex had vacated.

“Are you alright?” they asked at the exact same time.

Keyleth’s eyes widened and her lips parted in surprise. “Vax!” she exclaimed. “You were just shot! Why on earth are you asking if I’m alright?”

Vax laughed shortly. “Well, that man had been bothering you before he decided to put a bullet in me. Plus, I did pass out so I don’t know what happened afterwards.”

Keyleth’s expression softened. She took Vax’s hand in both of hers. “Don’t worry. Grog took him down almost immediately and the police were quick to respond. You were the only one who got hurt.”

Vax nodded. “Okay,” he replied slowly. “And,” he made eye contact, “I feel surprisingly okay.”

Keyleth exhaled in relief and squeezed his hand again. “I’m so relieved. You really scared us. I never thought there would be that much blood.” She trailed off, her eyes looking haunted and sad. “I thought we were going to lose you.”

“Didn’t Vex tell you? I’m much too stubborn to die.”

His response drew a tentative smile from her as she relaxed into the situation a bit more. “Regardless, I’m so glad you’re doing alright.”

Vax nodded. “Me too. Though I’ll admit, I have always fantasized about fainting in the arms of a beautiful person.”

Keyleth gave him a short look. “Idiot.”

-

To his complete dismay, it was almost two full weeks before the doctors felt comfortable enough to discharge him. Even then, they scheduled regular checkups and wanted him to go to physical therapy to regain core strength that the injury had destroyed. Vax was just glad to be leaving. Even with constant visits from Vex, Keyleth, and their other friends, he had been getting stir crazy.

Gilmore had offered to drive Vex and Vax back to their apartment from the hospital and Vex was currently wheeling Vax towards the side exit of the hospital. Apparently, somehow the news had leaked that someone big was getting released today, so paparazzi had gathered at the front of the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. The staff had graciously allowed the twins to exit through a usually employee only entrance as to avoid such deals while security attempted to control the crowd of reporters.

Once outside, a nurse and Vex helped him stand from the wheelchair. Vax grit his teeth and walked towards the car. Gilmore was already there, holding the door and Vax nodded gratefully to him.

Gilmore pulled away from the hospital very shortly after and they were headed home. Vex and Gilmore struck up a casual conversation and Vax pulled out his phone, unlocking it.

[Vax] headed home, finally

[Keyleth] oh yay!! i’ll come by tomorrow, ok?

[Vax] please do, i think i’ll go crazy otherwise.

[Keyleth] :P

He switched out of the text app and his finger hovered over Twitter. He had avoided the platform for the entirety of his hospital stay and it was morbid curiosity that caused him to open the app now. A news tweet was the first thing to catch his eye.

E! News @enews • 2 hours ago

Half of Youtube pop-folk duo #VoxMachina being released from hospital today after suffering gun-shot wound during fan meet-and-greet two weeks ago.

Vax sighed. He knew that the news would have broken somehow, explaining the crowd of reporters and celebrity watchers, but he was hoping it hadn’t been by a major celebrity news source. He switched to his page and saw several thousand mentions in tweets of people wishing him a swift recovery and thousands of new followers.

He searched up Vex’s username and saw that she had been conspicuously silent for the last two weeks. Her latest tweet was a retweet.

Vex @vexmachina • Aug 14

icymi :/ | Gunshots fired at Vox Machina event, sources report 1 seriously injured - cnn.com

The tweet was attached to a link from the CNN website reporting on the incident. Vax swallowed hard and left Vex’s Twitter. He was left staring at his own newsfeed and his finger drifted towards the compose button. He clicked it.

Vax @vaxmachina • Just Now

Headed home. Privacy for myself, family, and friends is appreciated at this time. #VoxMachina

Vex’s phone chimed as he tweeted and she paused her conversation with Gilmore to check the notification. She turned in her seat and made eye contact with him. “That was tasteful and surprisingly well-done,” she said after finishing reading it.

He shrugged. “Necessary.”

She sighed. “Unfortunately.”

-

True to her word, Keyleth buzzed the apartment at 10 the next morning. Vax let her up and opened the door as she arrived. He was walking with the support of a cane to compensate for his pained abdomen. She slid inside the apartment and immediately linked their arms together so that she could support some of his weight.

Together they walked to the couch where they sat side by side. Keyleth was studying him intently, but before either of them could say anything, Vex swept into the living room. Vax’s head snapped to his sister as she looked between him and Keyleth, assessing the situation.

“Hello Keyleth,” Vex greeted politely after a moment.

“Hi Vex,” Keyleth replied.

Vex’s gaze turned to Vax. “I’m assuming she can babysit you while I’m out?”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m not a child.”

She folded her arms and raised a perfectly manicured brow. “But at the moment you are something of an invalid, aren’t you?”

Vax scowled, but Vex just winked and strode into the kitchen. Vax and Keyleth sat awkwardly for a long moment. Vex reappeared in the room, now wearing a coat and she headed for the front door. She gave the pair one last look.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” she advised teasingly.

Keyleth flushed bright red and Vax hurled a pillow from the couch at the door, but Vex managed to dodge by ducking out the door, laughing. He sighed and turned to Keyleth. Her cheeks were painted dark pink and she was looking anywhere else in the room except at him. He chuckled and gently touched her arm.

“Kiki, she’s just teasing.”

Keyleth turned back towards him and she bit her lip. “I know.”

They fell back into silence for a moment. Vax inhaled sharply and stood from the couch. Slowly, he made his way across the room to where his guitar sat in its stand. He turned back to the couch, returning to his seat next to Keyleth as she watched him cautiously. He studied her face for a long moment.

He strummed an A flat chord followed by a C minor, a B flat, and an E flat. Her eyes widened marginally and she leaned forward almost unintentionally.

“You’re afraid to need someone, ‘cause you’ve been burned, you’ve been burned, you’ve been burned,” Vax sang quietly.

Keyleth’s breath hitched as she listened to him sing. Vax sang the first verse softly, managing to only stumble on a few of the chords. He made it partway through the chorus before Keyleth’s hands reached for his and stilled them on the guitar. Vax broke off and looked at her. To his surprise, her eyes were filled with tears.

“What is this song?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“It’s called Temporary Love. Ben Platt, the guy who played Evan Hansen, released his album earlier this year.” Vax inhaled slowly, turning one of his hands to hold hers carefully. “I have to admit it took me most of Friday night after Pike left to figure it out.”

She laughed and wiped her eyes with her free hand. “Vax, why are you so good to me? I pushed you away and you almost died and you’re still here singing to me.”

“Kiki, come on,” he mumbled gently squeezing her hand.

She gently pulled her hand back, letting it rest in her lap. “Well, the song was accurate enough. I’m terrified of love, Vax.”

He shifted, lowering the guitar to the floor before turning back to her. “Keyleth, does this have something to do with your mother?” She inhaled sharply and gave him a confused look. Vax gave a small half-smile in return. “Pike mentioned it, but said I should ask you about it.”

Keyleth let out a slow sigh. “My mother vanished on a work trip. One day everything was great, and the next day she was gone. My father was devastated.” She paused shaking her head. “I’ve never seen anyone that broken before. I missed my mother too, but the way my father reacted was terrifying. The thought of doing that to someone, or,” she made eye contact with him, “someone doing that to me, is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever felt.”

Vax leaned forward, taking both of her hands. “Keyleth, I’m so sorry about your mother. I can’t promise that nothing will ever happen, but I can promise I would never leave you unless there was no choice in the matter.”

She closed her eyes and frowned. “You got shot and you almost died and I was so terrified. I felt like my father in that moment and after I realized how stupid I was being since losing you still hurt anyways, even if I couldn’t let myself,” she paused, unable to finish the sentence.

Vax squeezed her hands. “I’m right here,” he urged gently.

She opened her eyes and he saw a new resolution there. “I’m a mess, Vax. I’m insecure and scared and naive. This won’t be easy.”

He smiled gently. “It’s a damn good thing that I learned some persistence in London then, isn’t it?”

Keyleth smiled and it was like sunlight breaking through the crowds. Vax had half a mind to lean forward and kiss her again when the apartment phone rang insistently. Keyleth jumped, her head whipping to where it sat on the coffee table. Vax rolled his eyes and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Stringbean! Scanlan and I were wondering if you wanted some company since you’re finally at home and we haven’t seen you in days!” Pike’s voice was cheerful and startling because Vax had definitely been expecting Vex, not Pike and Scanlan.

“I’m, uh,” he paused glancing at Keyleth, “Keyleth’s here,” he said finally.

“Oh!” Pike exclaimed. She said something away from the receiver for a moment. “We can come back later?”

Keyleth was smiling and she shook her head at him. Vax chuckled. “You’re already here, might as well come up. We can see if we can get Vex, Percy, and Grog here later too maybe.”

Vax heard Scanlan laugh in the background. “If we’re getting the whole gang together we ought to hang out at my house there’s much more space.”

“Shut up, Scanlan,” Pike replied. “We’ll be right up, thanks Vax!”

Though he was a bit annoyed at Pike and Scanlan for crashing what could have turned into a romantic moment, he was glad to see their faces as they swept into the apartment armed with cheap takeout and a variety of boardgames. The four of them hung out and laughed and yelled over friendly competitions for several hours before Vax’s phone rung.

He motioned for them to hold his turn, but Keyleth just laughed and snagged one of his cards. He elbowed her and she giggled again.

“This is Vax,” he said into the phone, not even stopping to see who was calling him.

“Hello, Brother, you wouldn’t happen to be with Pike and Scanlan would you?”

He felt his lips twitch into a smile as he juggled the phone and swatted Scanlan’s hand away from stealing another of his cards. “I am, yeah. We’re all at the apartment.”

“Well I’m texting you an address and you all better make your way there: Percy is having everyone over and I’m ordering expensive Indian food.”

Vax grinned. “Sounds great.”

-

Dinner and their evening turned into a giant clusterfuck of shouting and laughing and storytelling amongst the seven of them. Vex, Vax, and Percy traded good memories of England while Pike and Scanlan were roped into telling the story of their meeting which somehow involved much more pudding than made sense. Grog was happy to chime in on that part to make fun of Scanlan. Keyleth revealed that she had met Percy near Whitestone when their publicists had tried to set them up, but that only resulted in Zahra and Kashaw being introduced to each other.

Vax learned more about his friends than he shared, but he felt relaxed and though there was the occasional twinge of pain from his side as one could expect, he was sandwiched between Vex and Keyleth on the couch as they laughed for hours and hours. It was almost weird, the group of friends that had developed, but it felt far more natural than he could have expected even though most of them were completely different genres of YouTubers, or not in the business at all in Percy’s case.

It was almost two in the morning when Percy finally kicked everyone out. Grog immediately headed for the gym despite the odd hour and Pike and Scanlan exchanged an unreadable look before calling an Uber together to Scanlan’s place. Vax gave Pike a curious look, but she just shook her head and wrinkled her nose―they really were just friends.

Vax and Keyleth stood alone on the sidewalk outside Percy’s apartment building, Vex having elected to stay the night with her kind-of-sort-of boyfriend. Keyleth lived nearby and was apparently planning on walking home, but she insisted on waiting with Vax until his Uber arrived. Vax, as always, found himself drawn to watching her.

The city lights combined with the bright full moon bathed her skin and made her glow. She was going on about something or another, but Vax was still distracted by the raw honesty she had shared with him earlier. Finally, when he couldn’t bear his own idleness any longer, he slid his hand into hers and tugged it towards him.

Keyleth’s words stopped flowing abruptly as she turned to him, curious. “Everything alright?” she asked. “You’re not in pain or anything?”

Vax smiled. “I mean I love you so much it hurts but I’m pretty sure that’s not what you meant.”

Instead of panic and fear like he might have expected weeks ago, a shy smile curled up her lips and she squeezed his hand. “Not exactly,” she replied gently.

Vax exhaled slowly and took a leap of faith. He leaned in and Keyleth met him halfway, her hand dropping his so she could rest hers on his face as she kissed him back. The kiss was slow and unhurried, but a familiar warmth curled deeply in Vax’s stomach as he let his arms wind around Keyleth’s waist as he pulled her closer.

She was the one to deepen the kiss, her arms sliding around his neck as she pressed them together even more closely. After a long moment, she pulled back, her breaths deep and heavy. There was a spark in her eyes that made Vax’s ears redden, but Keyleth didn’t step out of his personal space, keeping her arms around him.

“How are you feeling?” she breathed out slowly.

Vax smiled idly. “Fine. A little confused as to why you stopped though.”

Keyleth blushed under his heavy gaze. “I didn’t want to hurt you,” she admitted quietly.

Vax lifted a hand to trace her jawline. “You couldn’t even if you tried.”

Her lips twitched into a small, shy smile. “Your Uber is coming.”

“I’ll cancel it.”

“Vex won’t be expecting you?”

“She’s with Percy. You don’t really think she’s going home tonight, do you?”

“Come home with me?”

“You don’t even need to ask.”

-

The next morning, Vax woke up in a bed that was decidedly not his wearing decidedly less clothes than he would normally. There was a dull throbbing pain from his abdomen and he took several deep breaths to try and soothe his body before he attempted to sit up. He propped himself up against the pillows and studied the room.

In the events of the night before he hadn’t paid much attention to the room, but as he looked around now he was able to appreciate it fully. There were two large windows on one side covered by gauzy curtains that did very little to block out the bright LA sunshine. It was similar to Keyleth’s apartment in that it was decorated with artistic, bohemian decorations and many, many small potted plants and succulents. Her furniture was all the same wood tone and the canopy above her bed was a dark blue cloth peppered with white dots that looked suspiciously like a constellation map.

In looking around, he woke up more fully and was able to smell coffee and what was probably breakfast coming from the other room. He rolled his shoulders and swung his legs off the bed. Locating his pants was fairly simple, but the grey Slayer’s Take shirt he had been wearing was nowhere to be seen. He ignored that fact and made his way out of the bedroom into the rest of the apartment.

All the blinds were open and sunlight streamed in through Keyleth’s many, many windows. Music was playing at a low volume from the kitchen and Vax followed it and the scent of coffee into the kitchen. His first glance of Keyleth stole his breath away.

Her red hair hung around her chin, turning copper from the sunlight and she was shimmying along to the song that was playing. The next thing he realized was that he couldn’t find his shirt in Keyleth’s bedroom because she had taken it and it really wasn’t doing his mind any favours since it barely covered more on her than it did on him. Vax felt his lips curl into a smirk as he crept forward and let his arms encircle her from behind, pulling her back against him.

Keyleth squeaked in surprise, but she relaxed when she realized that it was just Vax. “You are entirely too sneaky for your own good,” she scolded. “Especially for an injured man.”

Vax pressed a kiss to the nape of her neck humming softly. “Injured perhaps only because not only did I wake up alone, but you seem to have stolen something of mine.” His hands drifted to her waist, thumbing at the stolen shirt.

Keyleth turned in his grip so that they were face to face. Her cheeks were completely red and she looked nervous. “You’re okay though?”

Vax smiled. “Of course.” He pressed a chaste kiss to her lips and finally felt her smile against him. “Are you?”

She hummed. “Best I’ve been in a long time.” She paused, biting her lip. “Thank you,” she murmured. “For not letting me be afraid and for pushing it,” she elaborated after a moment.

Vax laughed softly. “You’ve met me, right? Vex and I, we don’t know when to quit.”

She kissed him gently again, her hands drifting up to his shoulders. “I’m more grateful than you know.”

Vax tipped his head and pressed a kiss to her neck just below her ear. “I think I have some idea,” he teased and Keyleth’s breath hitched.

-

Hours later, Vax finally left Keyleth’s place and made it to his physical therapist’s appointment. After two hours of pain and grueling exercise, he was dismissed and he headed home, desiring a shower. Vex still wasn’t home at the apartment, but Vax didn’t think anything of it―she was likely just with Percy still and it wouldn’t be the first time this had happened.

He showered with only minor difficulty and was on his way to the dedicated office space to fiddle on his guitar when his phone buzzed with a text.

[Shaun] Does Mr Popular have time for a drink tonight?

Vax smiled faintly at the screen before typing out his response.

[Vax] For you? Anytime, anyplace.

[Shaun] Raven’s Rook, 8?

[Vax] I’ll be there.

Gilmore didn’t reply again, but Vax redirected himself to his room to put on clothes decent enough for a meeting and a drink with his close friend. Two hours later, he was calling an Uber to get to the pub.

The place was fairly crowded, but no one seemed to give him a second glance, despite his recent publicity, and he spotted Gilmore at a small table in the back corner. Vax made his way over and sat down across from his old friend. Gilmore glanced up over his pint of what Vax was sure was something local and gave him a wide grin.

“Hello stranger,” Gilmore greeted, his low voice rumbling warmly in his chest.

Vax could still remember when he got horribly flustered whenever Gilmore used to flirt and now it felt incredibly natural. “Shaun,” he greeted.

“How is the recovery going?”

Vax shrugged. “Therapy is a bitch of course, but I have good people looking out for me like you and Vex and Kima and Allura.”

“And Keyleth,” Gilmore added.

Vax blinked and raised an eyebrow. “What?”

Gilmore chuckled. “Come on, Vax, you forget that I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of those looks.” Vax bit the inside of his cheek, waiting for Gilmore to continue. Gilmore smiled though this one was slightly more bittersweet. “I won’t say I’m not a little disappointed, but it wasn’t the right time for either of us I don’t think.” Vax’s brow furrowed and Gilmore waved a hand. “Vax’ildan, that girl looks at you like you’re her lifeline and I know the feeling is the same. I’ll be fine.”

Vax sighed. “That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to care, does it?”

Gilmore chuckled. “I would be horrified if you didn’t.”

Vax traced a finger over a particularly interesting swirl in the wood of the tabletop. “Gilmore, you’ve always been such a good friend to Vex and myself. I don’t know where we would be without you.”

Gilmore sipped his drink. “Probably still making really terrible coffee while pretending that you two didn’t have the kick ass talents you do have.”

Vax chuckled. “So even though you’ve heard all of our songs already, will you still be picking up a copy of our album when it releases?”

“Vox Machina’s debut album? The very same Vox Machina who I pushed to even launch their career?” Gilmore smiled slyly. “I had better be getting an autographed copy in the mail.”

Vax laughed and extended his hand for a handshake. “How about an in-person delivery instead?”

Gilmore firmly shook Vax’s hand. “Sounds agreeable.” He paused once more, giving Vax an appraising look. “Don’t let Keyleth go, alright? I can only have lost to the best and, Vax, she’s the absolute best of you all.”

Vax smiled. “I have no intentions of letting her go, don’t worry.”

-

Vax and Keyleth got dinner at Melora’s on Friday. They had elected to let Uvenda surprise them with their meals, and the food was as delicious as ever. The dinner felt easy and natural and Keyleth held his hand across the table any time he wasn’t using his hands.

“The album release party is coming up, isn’t it?” Keyleth asked as they were waiting for their bill.

Vax nodded. “Saturday night next week at Whitestone’s head office. Are you looking for an invitation?”

She leaned forward and smiled. “Only as a plus one,” she teased.

He chuckled. “Naturally.”

Before he could say anything else, both his and Keyleth’s phones went off in unison. He raised an eyebrow and picked it up. His lockscreen was filled with Twitter notifications and he cringed.

“This can’t be good.”

Keyleth pressed her lips together before glancing around the restaurant. She turned back to him and showed him the screen of her phone.

Keyleth is our Queen @queenkikiashari • 9 minutes ago

SHE’S AT MELORA’S ON A DATE THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Hand-holding has happened, but I can’t get a shot of his face!!

Vax shook his head. “They never quit do they. Come on, I’m sure Uvenda can let us disappear out the back again.”

Keyleth slid her phone into her purse and led the way to the back. Uvenda grumbled something about them taking advantage of her love for Keyleth before she let them slip out the back. Vax had tried to argue for the bill, but Keyleth hadn’t heard a word of it, insisting Uvenda charge her for the full price.

They stepped out into the alley and Vax looked up at the steadily darkening sky. Keyleth slid her hand into his and pulled him forward.

“A little different from the last time we were here, isn’t it?”

Vax smiled. “Yeah, well, last time I had no idea how in love with you I was.” Keyleth blushed and Vax dropped her hand, stepping back. He held up his hands like a camera and framed her against the setting sun. “Give me a moment to capture this moment, will you?”

She shook her head. “You’re silly.”

Vax paused, reaching for his phone. “If it’s okay, I would really love to share this view though.”

Keyleth’s lips parted in surprise, but after a moment she nodded. “If you’re okay with that.”

Vax smiled widely, opening the camera app. “More than okay.”

Keyleth turned so it was her rear profile in shot as she looked up at the sky. She was mostly darkened by the sun, but with the buildings around her and the sky lit up with deep purples and oranges, it was a beautiful shot. He admired it for another moment before he composed his tweet.

Vax @vaxmachina • Just Now

The best view in the house. | at Melora’s Garden

Replies, likes and retweets poured in almost immediately as it wasn’t hard to figure out who was in the photo. His phone buzzed relentlessly and he wanted to ignore it, but it chimed with a text so he paused to open it.

[Vex] very smooth.

[Vax] I like to think so

Keyleth was smiling at him and Vax reached out to tangle their fingers together. “Feeling up for a night of adventure?”

-

By the time the album release party was half over, Vax’s hand was actually starting to hurt from signing so many CD cases. He didn’t even know that many people still bought physical copies of albums. There were people everywhere in the Whitestone office and everyone was dressed to the nines.

Vex had managed to shove him into a navy blue tuxedo that complimented the deep blue dress with the plunging neck she had procured for herself. Zahra and Cassandra had applauded their coordination so Vax had given his sister credit where it was due. She was currently off schmoozing some of Whitestone’s investors, arm linked in Percy’s.

Vox Machina’s cover of Thinking Out Loud was playing through the sound system as people swayed on the makeshift dance floor and Vax leaned against the wall, watching intently. From his position he could see Zahra in a head-turning red dress with Kashaw and another pair that almost surprised him. He knew that it should not have been really surprising, but there was something still a little shocking to see Pike’s head resting atop Scanlan’s shoulder.

Vax presses a knuckle against his lips to hide his smile. With the way that Scanlan was looking at Pike and the fact that Pike had been so kind and supportive of him, Vax wondered if it was time to pull the blindfold off of Pike. His gaze finally skimmed past his friends and he caught sight of Allura dancing with a reluctant Kima, and just on their other side was Keyleth, a glass of champagne clutched in her hand as she chatted politely with some Whitestone executive.

“Boo!” came a voice to his left.

Vax spun, coming face to face with his smirking sister. “Jesus, Vex’ahlia, when did you learn to sneak like that?”

She jabbed her finger against his arm. “I learned from the best.”

He scowled and leaned back against the wall, slightly turned towards her. “Need something, Stubby?”

She shrugged. “Honestly I just wanted to talk to you. We’ve both been so busy,” she said. Vax caught her gaze drifting to where Percy was speaking with Cassandra.

Vax tipped his head. “How is he?”

“Surprisingly better about this whole thing than I am,” she replied carefully.

“How are you?” he asked instead.

Vex turned her eyes back to him. “I would love a glass of champagne, but other than that, I’m doing really well.”

Before Vax could comment on her alcohol craving, she waved him off.

“Don’t worry, I am sticking to water.”

He nodded. “I’m proud of you, Vex.”

Before Vex could reply, Cassandra had materialized in front of the two of them. She was wearing a perfectly tailored suit and her eyes were glinting in excitement. Vax raised an eyebrow and Vex crossed her arms.

“It’s time for you two to give a toast.” Cassandra looked over her shoulder towards the front of the room. She glanced back, a little more tentative. “We also have the equipment if you would like to perform. Of course,” she cast Vax an extra glance, “I understand if you don’t feel up to it.”

Vax shook his head. “We’re here to celebrate our music, right? Might as well give them something of a show right, Stubby?”

Vex rolled her eyes. “I’ve got nothing, so you had better have an idea.”

Vax held out his arm, smirking. “Of course I have one.”

“Then let’s go,” she replied.

Vax guided Vex up to the front of the room, following Cassandra. Cassandra pulled two flutes of bubbling liquid off of a tray and offered them to the twins. Vax accepted his immediately, but Vex hesitated. Cassandra smiled kindly.

“They’re actually both cider since you’re performing, I don’t want to get you too drunk.”

Vex chuckled and accepted the glass. “Brilliant.”

Cassandra smiled in response and reached for her own glass, also picking up a slim metal stirring rod. She clicked the rod against the glass several times and waited for the crowd to come to attention. Finally, a relative silence fell over the room.

Cassandra smiled widely at the crowd. “Good evening everyone! On behalf of Whitestone Records, I would like to thank everyone for being here tonight in support of Vox Machina’s debut album. Now, I’m sure no one wants to hear me talk for hours, so I’ll pass it off to our guests of honour: Vex’ahlia and Vax’ildan.”

Cassandra swept a hand towards the twins and Vax felt the eyes of every person in the room fall upon him. He froze momentarily, a sudden, uncontrollable fear stopping all possible words from leaving his mouth. Fortunately for him, Vex had always been better around crowds. She tugged on their still linked arms and gave the crowd a wide, open smile.

“Thank you to everyone for coming tonight. Vax and I have been working towards this for quite some time now and we’re honoured to see it come to fruition. I want to extend some thanks to Cassandra and the team here at Whitestone for believing we had it in us and for working tirelessly in the studio and the office to ensure that we received only the best,” Vex said, her gaze sweeping across the onlookers.

Vax steeled himself. “To all the supporters we’ve had since the beginning when we were just two kids with a YouTube channel and a dream, we’re grateful. Especially Shaun, Allura, and Kima―none of this would have ever existed without you. To the others who we met along the way, we are stronger with your support and we thank you for all you’ve done for us.” Vax’s eyes found Keyleth in the crowd and she gave him a bright smile. Any remaining nerves vanished entirely.

Vex nudged him. “To Vax, my brother,” she lifted her cider flute, “who’s heart is entirely too big for his chest.”

“And to Vex, my sister,” he replied, “who pushes us all to be better and bolder than ever before.”

“To Vox Machina!” Cassandra cheered, raising her glass in the final toast.

The crowd echoed her sentiment cheering loudly. Vax bumped his glass lightly against Vex’s and took a sip. The room was abuzz with energy and passion and warmth curled in his stomach. All these people were here to celebrate him and Vex’s passion project. A project which he hoped could be the first of many. If he’d ever thought that the side-project YouTube channel that Gilmore had insisted upon would have evolved into this, Vax would have thought himself entirely insane. Instead, he was proud and happier than he’d been in a long, long time.

“Come on, Vax, let’s give these people a show,” Vex said in his ear as she tugged him back to a makeshift stage with two microphones, two stools, and an acoustic guitar on a stand.

Vax instantly picked up the guitar, letting his fingers find the frets and strings like it was the most natural thing in the world. He positioned himself on his stool and glanced at Vex. She was staring at him expectantly and Vax realized that she needed his idea for the song they were going to sing.

“You and Me,” he said to her lowly.

Vex smiled. “Fitting.”

“I thought so.”

Cassandra cleared her throat from nearby, again catching the attention of the crowd. “The album is now live for purchase and I’m happy to present the indomitable Vox Machina!” She swept her arm aside, leaving the gaze of the room to fall upon the twins.

Vax strummed the intro, letting his eyes close and his fingers feel the music completely. They leapt into the song at the same point, harmonizing beautifully.

“You and me were always with each other,” they sang together.

The song was a return to the pop-folk music they’d started on and the music that they really wanted to make. It was simple and fitting. Vex had the main melody, but it was incomplete without Vax’s harmonies. The lyrics told a story that was touching and deeply personal and true to the twins’ relationship.

When they finished, the room burst into applause and Vax grinned widely. He looked around and spotted Keyleth, Percy, Pike, Scanlan, Grog, and the others looking happy and he even caught Keyleth wiping away a stray tear as she beamed at him. Giddy, Vax turned to look at Vex.

She was smiling widely as she looked out over the crowd, but Vax watched as her eyes landed on something in specific. Her smile dropped and the blood drained out of her face. For a moment he was afraid she would collapse, but she just stood up abruptly and painted on a forced smile. He stood next to her, reaching for her arm, but she pulled him into a brief bow before striding away to the edge of the room.

Vax stumbled, awkwardly placing the guitar back in the stand before he followed her quickly. He caught up to her and grabbed her arm, spinning her to face him. The colour had returned to her face and she was looking better already.

“Vex’ahlia, what’s wrong?” he asked concernedly.

She shook her head, exhaling deeply. “It’s nothing. I thought I saw something, but I didn’t. Everything is fine, Vax,” she replied, her tone calculated and even.

Vax furrowed his brow. He didn’t really believe her, but before he could push her on it, something covered his eyes and his vision went dark.

“Guess who!” Keyleth’s cheerful voice rang out.

Vax chuckled and pushed her hands out of the way, pulling her into a hug instead. When he pulled away from Keyleth he saw that Vex was embracing Percy and had taken the appearance of her kind-of-maybe-boyfriend as an excuse to flee from Vax’s scrutiny.

Vax frowned as she slipped away.

Easily Bewildered

Bewildered; the first time someone used the word, I nearly laughed aloud. There was a group of varied students sitting across the lawn, grouped together in the shade of a tree, all decked out in weird jewelry and with circles around their eyes, hurried pen ink on their wrists. I was at a picnic bench, sitting with my friends from lab, working on some report or something. There was a lull in the conversation, and the hushed voices, filled with awe, scattered across the grass of the lawn towards us. I was looking absentmindedly at my phone, and when I heard the strange phrase, I burst out laughing. Their voices were so quiet, almost afraid, and like so much else at this school, I didn’t take it into account. I instantly lumped them in with the other students, overly superstitious and quiet, clinging to their iron and their salt like this was some episode of Supernatural. The first time I heard bewildered, I laughed. 

The second time, it was coming from the mouth of my Hall Advisor, in the longest informational lecture I’d gotten that year. I was sitting on a couch in the overly cramped common room, squished in-between two of my closest friends from bio lab, and we were already bored and over dramatically rolling our eyes at one another before it even began. They were talking firmly, as if they believed in everything they were saying, reminding us very sternly of the “advice” from the beginning of the year. Every year. It was about the third or fourth time I’d heard this lecture, despite not having been here that many years. Sometimes, I wondered if the weirdness would ever end, and just leave me to do my labs and lose my mind in peace. “Don’t go out late at night, if you have to, make sure you stay on the path.” Well, duh. I looked to my right, and met the eyes of my lab partner, who was just perishing of boredom. I could tell she wanted to be on her phone, but we’d managed to be polite this far, so maybe we could make it to the end of the meeting. Our HA would appreciate it. “Don’t go near the woods. We’ve had way more kids get bewildered this year, it’s not normal and you all really need to step it up.” I snickered. The friend to my left said something under eir breath, and my other friend suppressed a laugh, and we tried, really hard. Our HA didn’t appreciate it. They stared us down for a moment, while some other students clutched their iron necklaces or slipped hands into pockets, making fists around what was probably salt, if I knew this floor well enough. I elbowed my lab partner in the side, and she shut up, em quickly following suit. Shockingly, we managed the rest of the meeting, finally slipping out and snickering, finally sharing all of the snide comments that had built up the whole time. Other students walked out glumly, faces pale, shoulders slumped.

When I heard it the third time, I was in a bathroom. It was late - or early, whichever one you ascribe to - just before dawn, like 5am. I’d lost track of time, the days slipping by into weeks, and it had become a choice between sleep and finishing a paper on time, and I couldn’t afford another late grade. Groaning and dragging my feet, I unstuck myself from my desk and walked toward the bathroom, the light from the predawn sun assaulting my eyes and my soul. Couldn’t I just sleep for another few hours? I pushed past the door, where someone had helpfully pasted an “all genders, all identities, all species” sticky note over the previous sign, wanting to piss and wash my face before my next class.  It took me far too long to notice the student curled up in the biggest stall. Really, far too long, because they were accompanied by two friends, who were talking out loud.  I had officially been up too long. Although, they were having a worse time of it, from what I could hear. Sounded like they were having a really bad trip, if the whispered words were any indication; quiet and slow, like you’d use to talk to a wild animal. I wasn’t about to stop and help: I didn’t know them, I didn’t have time, and I wasn’t going to be helpful anyways, on exactly zero hours of sleep. I did wish them well, quietly, more thought than anything said out loud. Whatever they’d done, in the middle of the semester, they probably didn’t deserve a meltdown in the middle of the night in a bathroom.

The next time I heard it, someone was sprinting past me across the lawn, shrieking.  My night had been going pretty well up until now: a good party on the weekend, free booze, new friends, a good time had by all. I’d really been hoping to run into a really cute second year I’d shared classes with, and as fate would have it, they were at the party. Neither of us had been completely sober, but my phone had a new number on it, and maybe a stroke of luck was coming my way after the less than fantastic grade on my last paper.  These pleasant thoughts were what that student shattered, some thin and scared first-year with mud-spattered boots and pants, running yelling past me, trying very hard to get me to join them in their mad dash. I, instead, stopped still in the grass, shocked and offended. The weirdness at this university had never really inconvenienced me before, perhaps bothered me a little or made me have to wait here and there, but this was something else. I had been happily drowsing in good memories, warm feelings, and now I was wet and cold and upset. They’d startled me real good, and I was really feeling malice towards the kid, rather glad I didn’t catch their face. I didn't mind the kids who thought it was necessary to carry iron or put salt freaking everywhere, they didn't bother me a whole lot, but right now I think I would’ve had some choice words for anyone who followed that kind of life. Grumbling, glaring off after them in the direction they’d gone, I slogged forward, now filled with less happy thoughts. A shiver came over my limbs, cold, wet, unhappy, and downright miserable, honestly. What the fuck did that phrase even mean, anyways? Was it some kind of joke, shared among their weird little cliques? Make a drug these idiots were taking. Yeah, some, stupid designer drug that made kids go “wild,” something way above my level of caring and far out of my comfort zone. I knew other chemistry kids who would brew in the labs, quietly, during their time there, or using their access after hours. Stupid, really, and probably exactly what led to students running screaming across the lawn in the middle of the night. Really.  The shivers got worse, and I realized that the jeans I was wearing were soaked through. I was still slogging through the grass, but I’d somehow managed to hit a muddy, wet, puddle, probably a couple inches deep and definitely wet enough to make me uncomfortable. I picked up my feet, groaning aloud, trying to check how badly my shoes were faring; they weren’t rated for this kind of treatment, being only closed-toe enough to count in lab. Eerily enough, I couldn’t see my feet very well, thanks to the fog. I jerked my head up. The fog?! I tried to look around, my heart starting to pick up on the adrenaline that was beginning to eliminate all thoughts of a buzz leftover from a party that now felt very, very far away.  The idea of alcohol left my limbs, and they trembled, shaking in the fists that my hands made when I realized I couldn’t see the buildings anymore. The dorms were hidden behind a wash of thick fog, invisible but for the slightest warm glow. The fog was wet, too, which explained how I was shivering so quickly and so badly, as the stuff clung to my limbs and little droplets of it found their way onto my eyelashes. I turned my head this way and that, fear starting to infect my movements, trying more and more desperately to find some sort of landmark to convince me I hadn’t wandered off course.  Instead, the lilting cry of a strange, wailing sound slipped past me. For the second time that night, I froze. Barely daring to breathe, I prayed it would fuck off, closing my eyes tightly and my fists tighter. Unfortunately for me, instead of doing just that, it sounded clearer the next time, echoing past the first, closer to me and much more like something a band student might carry around; the sound slipping around my shoulders and into my ears and striking my heart with a jolt.

It sounded something like a horn.

I swallowed hard and began to walk at that thought, trying to brush the wayward idea out of my mind like so much myth. I couldn’t believe that the stories had caught me, too, in their spindly fingers, and I refused to run, walking stubbornly through wet grass that was somehow now up to my knees, my shoulders set more out of fear than determination, but I was hoping no one could tell. Including myself. I was growing only more and more nervous as the sound went from distinct cries to a single, long, almost unending ululation that was all around me. Behind, too, calling out against my back like someone was hitting me, an almost physical force that came with each blast of the supposed horn, pushing me forward faster and faster, still not running. Time stretched on impossibly in front of me, much like this lawn, and I slowly came to understand that wherever I was walking, it was in the wrong direction. I should’ve come across the dorms by now, I knew, logically, walking this fast, even if there was tall, wet, twisting grass grabbing at my knees. No matter how much it slowed me down, the lights had not been that far away before the fog rolled in, and I was certain that my pissed-off muddling had been clouded by alcohol, twisting my idea of time further out of shape.

“Excuse me,” and I wish I would have shrieked aloud when the voice whispered into my ears, slight and quiet, like scales on smooth stones, like the lizards that ran when you came up to them basking in the sunlight. It was accompanied by a hand on my right shoulder, and for the third time that night I froze still instead; shocked, silent, stock still.  “Pardon me,” the voice was like the whisper of some half-transparent cloth over old leather, sliding around my and cloaking my shoulders in dread, filling my head with fear, “but you don’t seem to know the rules.” The hand went from perching to grasping, firm fingers set into my collarbone and the heel of it far too close to my neck for any sort of comfort. This was accompanied by a motion, a pulling, a twist, and like an adult would turn a child around, one whom they were going to just gently inform of the rules, of the correction, of the way things are supposed to be:

“This is where you run.”

—–

“Another one, huh?” The HA commented, sighing, sitting on a low stone wall outside of their dorm. They were drinking something yellow and fruity out of a glass bottle, a straw with red stripes and a bit of a dent at the end.  Their compatriot nodded, the iron screws that they had personally fashioned into earrings jingling as they did, half-hidden by their hair, spun into golden curls around their whole head. They’d look just perfect with a flower crown adorning their brow, but it was lacking, too cold in the year for that, now. “This one’s pretty bad. They’re a … They were a STEM major, I think. I know those can sometimes… but this one didn’t do anything to Them.” The HA grimaced, sighing again, shoulders heavy. Xy could see the students’ parents moving some things out of the dorm in boxes, assisted by some faculty from the Admissions office. Xyer hand found its way to xyer forehead, cradling xyer face, because xy knew what they were saying. “Mental breakdown caused by stress,” and all that. It was the easiest explanation for parents, who could barely make it here, four wrong turns later, eyes full of tears yet to be shed and purses clutched to chests, or car keys in fists. Xy knew the drill, xy had done it before, and xy could barely handle seeing it again now. “I tried to warn them, I did, but…” The other, curls twisting softly over their shoulder, placed their hand on xyer back, their touch soft. “I know. You did your best. We all know how hard you try to protect your dormies.” Their words were honest, their eyes full of compassion, little silver stars penned in gently next to their glittering eyeliner. “But some people are just…” they trail off, watching boxes move from building to car. They’re of all sizes, cobbled together from whatever staff could get, and filled haphazardly with everything from the student’s room. One is barely closed, the corner of a handmade quilt poking out from beneath a flap, moving gently up and down as the parent takes every step.

“Easily bewildered.”

[x]

1-100 ;;;-)

1. How long have you had a Tumblr?2011 i think? 2. Describe your first kiss, who was it with, what was it like, where was it etc?his name is justin. he had a gf at the time and kissed me (shitty af) in a library. it was nothing special. i really liked him though. 3. What’s your biggest regret? I know we all say we don’t regret things but obviously it’s how we learn, from our mistakes. So what’s something from your past you wished you could have changed?dating emilio for as long as i did. 4 Favorite Songs at the moment?i cant pick its too hard 5. What is the craziest thing that you have ever done?i am not wild6. What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?i erase this shit from my mind7. Do you have any scars and if so, how did you get them?they come from myself hahahh 8. Where would you like to be in 10 years?just successful and happy. 9. What are your views on drugs and alcohol?theyre fine just dont make them your top priority 10. What are your views on religion?believe what you want. dont bash me for not believing in anything though. 11. Have you ever thought about ending your own life? If so, why?of course. i get sad, hoe. 12. Write 5 facts people might not know about you.i am very open. there is very little people dont know about me. 13. last really important text you got?ky cam saying shes down to shop w me and maddie :)14. Can you let go?not easily 15. Discuss your first love.have i even had one?16. Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up. Explain why each song is on there.i dont have an ipod but fuck i wish i DID17. Name somewhere you’d like to move or visit.visit? probably canada. id move there too. or wisconsin. 19. What are your views on mainstream music?no beef, i dont often find stuff i vibe with on the radio but i have18. Are you currently missing someone?more than anything 19. At what age do you think people should have sex?prolly high school, but really whenever you are comfortable. 20. What are your highs and lows of this past year?highs: leaving my abuser! getting a job i love! leaving people who are shitty and toxic! meeting rachel! meeting jessie! seeing amity!lows: spending the first half with my abuser! self harming again! crashed my car! 21. What are your strongest beliefs?i believe in aliens and ghosts (who doesn't?) i believe in an after life. 22. Who are you closest to in your family?my brother hes my best friend damn near 23. How important do you think education is?pretty important. i dont think college is necessary. 24. What’s one of your favorite shows?how i met your mother25. How have you changed in the past 2 years?i am stronger and happier. i have better friends and just a happier life. 26. Name 5 people who are famous who you find attractive.ryan ross, detective nick amaro, the rock, young matthew lillard, and ellen page27. Name your favorite movie and what it’s about.nick and norahs infinite playlist. its about a girl falling for a dude thru the mix cds he made his ex (her friend) and meets him at the club and soends the whole night with him looking for her drunk friend and a secret show. 28. Who is someone who fascinates you and why?aalyssa. shes so interesting to me and i could listen to her talk for hours. 29. What kind of person attracts you?lanky emo boys. douchebags. pretty girls. 30. What’s a problem that you have recently had or are currently having?i want to find another job 31. Name something that you miss.dhanes laugh. 32. Share 5 goals you want completed in the next 30 days.get in the shape i want to. thats it. 33. What’s been the highlight of your month and the lowest point? anytime i see michael and rachel its a highlight. low point: my FUCKING CAR GETTING HIT. 34. What’s something that you’ve done in the past that you would never do again?molly damn near. 35. What is you’re biggest insecurity & why?tummy. its too big. 36. What were the last 3 songs you listened to and what did they mean to you?eeeek i cant remember.37. Do you have a toy that’s really special to you and if so what is it, how did you get it etc?no i dont but i wish i did. 38. Have you lost anyone close to you to death? yep. i love you dhane! i love you christian! 39. What is your purpose in life?do i really have one? 40. When was the last time you cried and what was it over?today at a sad facebook video 41. If you got to spend an entire day with your favourite celebrity what would you guys do? we would have sex i love you ryan ross 42. If you could only listen to one artist for the rest of your life, who would you choose and why?nevershoutnever. you fuckin know why. 43. What are 3 traits that you like about yourself and what are three that you dislike about yourself? Personality wise.goods: im very empathetic. i look out for people. im fucking funnybads: im too nice. i get angry very fast. im petty. 44. Can you cook? If so what are your favorite dishes to make? yes!! i love to just make pasta with chicken and homemade pizza. 45. What was the last decision you regretted making?probably fucking sy hahahaha 46. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”?nope47. Do you ever wish you were famous?not really 48. What’s the nastiest thing anyone has ever said to YOU? Or something that’s hurt you above anything else and why?emilio said some of the most disgusting shit to me for months. dude told me he was gonna kill me hella times and how i should just end my life already! fucks wrong with that dude? 50. What mark would you want to leave on this world after you are gone?just want people to remember the good about me and my laugh 51. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?not really52. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?hell no whats the point 53. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?yes54. What’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?drive around with me and not make fun of me while i sob my eyes out. thanks becca! thanks jessie!55. What is one of your favorite memories?amity performing youngbloods. thanks for making me cry! 58. What’s the nicest present you’ve ever received?becca bought me an amity ticket, i love that bitch. emilio got me a stuffed animal that is sully so that was pretty nice of him to do (rare) my fav is when people give me flowers. 59. Have you ever had your heart broken?yeah im a sensitive bitch. not his fault tho!60. Have you ever wanted to change anything about your life? If so, what?yeah like mostly where i live. i would just like to leave here. 61. What is something you feel like you are really good at? problem solving62. What are your top 5 favourite all time songs by your favourite artist?open letter. deaths hand. i hate hartley. youngbloods. chasing ghosts. 65. What’s one thing someone has done for you that was really small but made a huge impact?becca had my back throughout my past relationship. she really did everything for me. s/o to her for being legit the best person i have ever met. 66. What do you do when you can’t sleep?watch more tv68. If you could change 3 things within your government, what would they be and why?get trump out of office. thats all i got. i dont know much about the government. 69. What’s your favourite holiday and why?id say halloween. i like the spooks. 70. What’s the kindest thing a stranger has ever done for you? Even if it’s TINY like holding a door open for you, something that you remember even though they were a complete stranger.the nice anons i get. thanks guys. 71. Who’s your favorite cartoon character?honestly? probably scooby. 72. What’s the first song that comes to your mind while reading this and why?scooby doo theme song. i love that shit. 74. What would you like to be the first dance song at your wedding?idk i never think about my wedding plans tbh. something alternative ideally. maybe something by flatsound or across the universe. 75. Have you ever been told you look like a famous person, if so, who?nope 76. What’s one thing you can not live without?becca! 77. What is the most selfless thing you have ever done for someone?idk i will really do anything for anyone. mostly just helping out with driving. 78. Are you a girly girl?i dont think so 79. What color is your bed?black80. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?dark. ideally brunette. 81. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?hell yes but not his fault 82. Do you have a best friend?yes. s/o to becca. s/o to maddie. s/o to tony. 82. What song makes you cry the most?i cant even pick. probably something by flatsound 83. What’s the funniest film you’ve ever seen?eeeeeekkkk...... i have no idea...... honestly for some reason all that comes to mind is 21 jump street and thats weird 84. What’s something crazy that you’ve always wanted to do?im just tryna kiss a gurl85. Has anything ever happened to you that you just can’t forgive?yes for sure. i will never forgive my abusers. 86. Ever been really drunk?sadly87. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?not really. these people were saying i do bars and thats pretty fucked up considering ive never taken prescription pills for "fun"89. Have you ever felt ashamed about something? If so what was it & why? yeah i'm not gonna talk about it 90. Do you keep a journal? If so what mostly goes in it? Random thoughts, feelings, stories?i did, i should start again. 
91. Do you like somebody?yep :-)92. Craziest shit ever done?im not crazy 93. What’s the saddest story/one that’s touched you the most that you’ve ever heard on the news?the kid that hung himself because people spread rumors that his girlfriend killed herself. 94. If you were told you were going to have 3 daughters, what would you want to name them?i have no idea because im never having kids. 95. Do you have a middle name and if so, what is it?marie96. Are you in a relationship?no 97. Do you enjoy drama?not really98. Are you a virgin?nope99. Are you short or tall?short100. Do you have siblings? If so, what are their names and how old are they? amber is 31, erin is 29, and tony is 16

7 Things I Wish I Knew As a High School Freshman

Hey guys! College sophomore that graduated from an IB high school here! Today, I’m gonna be your big sister and tell you stuff about high school to help you succeed early! I’ve never had a baby sibling (or any siblings for that matter), so I’m just gonna take all of you younglings under my wing for a bit if that’s okay? ;u;

k ty. Now for the prep talk:

Although I went to an IB school, these tips can really apply to pretty much any high school, whether you took AP, early college courses, or if you didn’t even take any high-level classes.

High school can be the first tough hurdle you’ll encounter in your life (it was for me), so you’ve gotta be prepared to handle the stress and upcoming workload that you may not be used to yet.

But don’t stress too much! Your high school days are your last days of bonding with an entire class of people (unless you take classes at a small college). As much as you think you’re ready to just go off into the adult world and live on your own, you’re seriously going to miss your old friends and the life you had at your high school. Hell, it’s why we have high school reunions because we miss those times so bad, haha! But anyways, here’s a list of things I wish I knew as a high school freshman.

1. As soon as you get into high school, you need to start thinking about what you want to do for a career so you can tailor the classes you take towards that goal.

Now, you don’t have to have your entire life planned out, but you should at least be thinking about what fields interest you and what you can see yourself doing in the future.

Volunteer or get experience somewhere (or everywhere) if you don’t have a clue about what you want to do yet. Getting rl experience is the best way to help you decide whether you like the type of work you’re thinking about doing or not. It also exposes you to different experiences that you may not have known you would’ve liked!

Keep your options and your mind open! You are merely a sponge during this point in your life. Take the time while you’re young and not bombarded w/ a heavy workload yet to get in the swing of living your life independently. :)

2. Start creating studying habits that work for you so you can boost that GPA! Colleges look at your entire high school GPA, so you need to hit the ground running as soon as you begin high school.

Creating great study habits now will help you immensely in your junior and senior high school years. Don’t start slackin’ yet! You’ve got a whole 4 years ahead of you (and even then, you prob won’t catch a break in college, especially if you’re a science major lol).

Your junior and senior years will probably be your hardest years for different reasons. Junior year is the year you’ll be showcasing most in your college apps, so you’ve gotta get all your grades up before you apply to make you look like the excellent student you are. As for senior year, the first semester is when you apply for college apps, and you hear back from them at around December or March. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT succumb to “senioritis” (the disease where you magically lose all motivation to do well in your last year of high school because you think the marathon’s over after getting accepted into a college). Well sorry to burst your bubble, but it’s definitely not over. If your GPA spirals down dramatically, the colleges that accepted you can revoke their acceptance of your admission, so just stay in school everyone and make sure your GPA doesn’t drop way below your previous scores because colleges get really alarmed when they see a student’s grade trend drop rather than improve. Do yourself a huge favor and don’t get lazy, please.

To study for midterms/finals, make sure you review old notes every day for at least 2 months before the test so you’re not cramming everything a week before.

3. Make friends! Surround yourself with people that will motivate you to be successful!

High school is the chance for you to mature and meet a variety of people. Take your chances now to network and get to know people in your classes. Know that everyone there has the potential to do great things, so be nice to everyone (especially to that lonely kid that no one talks to). You’ll never know who exactly will be your next partner in whatever amazing thing you discover in life or who you could be saving by flashing a smile their way or a starting a conversation.  

It’s okay if you’re not in the “popular” clique. Honestly, the best thing I ever did was have a small circle of friends who were considered “nerds.” They were the people that encouraged me to achieve more than what I thought I could achieve academically and in life generally. You become who you surround yourself with, and by surrounding myself with smart people, I too began to think about life like them. So moral of the story, try to find a group of people who will raise your potential and make you feel good about yourself.

That being said, there’s no need to try to join a group just to “fit in.” Do your best to not to fall into the wrong crowd.

And stay away from drinking or drugs! I know it’s a social activity sometimes, but those substances are definitely not going to help you out on your journey. You can be happy without them!! Don’t use them to cope with any stress or existing problems you have. I guarantee you it’ll make them worse!

4. Befriend your teachers! You’re gonna need it later!

When you apply to college, you’re going to need 1-3 letter of recommendations from your teachers for college applications, scholarships, or even recommendations for jobs/summer internships, so you seriously need to give them a great first impression day 1 and maintain it for as long as you have that teacher. That means going to class on time, asking thought-provoking questions, participating in class regularly, getting good grades on your tests/projects/reports, etc.

Your teachers are also your most trusted resources! If you ever have any questions, feel free to talk to them after class or during lunch. If your teacher is an expert in the field you want to get into for a career, interview them about their experiences and ask how you can get involved at an early age. Who knows, your teachers might actually have connections to people or companies they can hook you up with so you can get out in the field and learn first hand! Seriously take advantage of your resources.

5. Do some extracurricular activities!

Join a sport, club, volunteer organization, or anything really to give your future college application some color. Colleges LOVE well-rounded students who can juggle school on top of other time-consuming activities because it shows that you’re not only disciplined enough to manage your time wisely, but you’re also very diverse in your interests, and colleges want diverse/unique people!

If your school doesn’t have any clubs, start one! It looks really good on your college app too if you say that you “established” a club on your own and got people really involved in the activities you coordinated.

While this is not going to apply to all colleges or fields, some recommended activities that appeal to top-tier colleges are:

Doing volunteer work for a cause (charity work); Eg: National Honors Society looks great for college apps!

Joining clubs that show you’re a good public speaker/intellectual (science, debate, drama clubs, etc depending on the degree you’re interested in applying to for college). But also, don’t turn away from clubs that genuinely interest you, even if they’re hobby clubs that don’t relate to your intended college major. Do what YOU want. :)

Joining a sport (or multiple sports) for several years— shows you’re committed and a team player. Plus, colleges give tons of scholarships to sports players!

Tutoring people in difficult subjects.

Summer learning programs for your intended college major. I personally took an environmental science summer program at my dream college to “put my foot in the door.” It lets the college know that you were involved with them and were on your mind since your early high school days. They like dedication, but know that this isn’t a guaranteed way to get into your dream college.

If you can’t find anything you like, start something of your own! Whether you invent something, create your own organization or even business, colleges love seeing you take initiative into your own hands and start a large-scale project at an early age.

6. Strive to be at the top of the class!

Now it isn’t necessary to absolutely be #1 in each of your classes, but at least aim to be in the top 25% so you reap the benefits of a good letter of rec from your teachers and have access to them as resources.

At the end of each year, sometimes teachers give out awards to the best students in the class. These awards look super awesome on your college apps, so please try your best to get that gold star (but also don’t stress yourself out a ton to try to get it)!

And most of all…

7. Have fun!!!!!!

Like I said, high school will probably be one of the most memorable times of your life. Those 4 years become your essential transitional period from being a kid to a budding adult, so be responsible and make the most out of the time and people you meet at your high school. All they want is for you to succeed and do great things!

Other miscellaneous tips:

Don’t get too invested in relationships during your hs days. I know I used to be an obsessive romantic hoping that I’d find love in high school, but really, just know the time will come when you find love. Most relationships during this time aren’t serious anyway, but if they are, do your thing! Just be sure to hang out in moderation since s/o’s can be distracting and ruin your time managing habits & schedule.

Hang out and socialize with people but in moderation!

Find an effective coping mechanism when you’re upset or stressed out from school, whether that be a sport, your pet, talking to the high school counselor, going out with friends, etc. Sometimes you need a break from your hectic studying schedule, so be sure to give yourself one every now and then! You deserve it.    

I know you’re going through that stage where you feel like you can’t do anything because your parents are super overprotective or w/e, but seriously don’t treat your parents like crap because they’re doing what they can for you and have been for 14 years prior. When you’re in college living in a dorm somewhere far far away from them, you’re seriously going to regret all those times you yelled or said mean things to them. Going off to college marks the end of your days living with your parents (it’s pretty sad tbh), so just remember to cherish the time you have left with your family because your parents are getting older too.

Well, I hope this was helpful! If you have any tips you want to add or any questions, feel free to contact your big sis! :) I’d love to help anyone out with their problems or questions. Life is weird and doesn’t come with an instructions manual, so the best way to learn how to navigate through it is to ask the veterans, haha.

Since I graduated from an IB school, I’m probably going to make a “how to survive IB high school” post to give my tips + tricks on how to get good grades in some high-level classes and other miscellaneous IB projects (EE, Group 4, TOK essay), etc., but only if I get a high demand for it because that post is gonna take a lot of time to write out, so send me asks or reply to this post letting me know if you guys want it. 

Wishing everyone a great school year filled with awesome grades, fun times with friends, productive study sessions, and success!

~Seaside Studying (Steph) xo

Check out my other original text posts here!

So. You will all be delighted to learn that I survived my two day meeting. So did my management team so that’s nice. For them. For now … Other momentous achievements in the week, as there have been few I have to be brutally honest, I achieved the ‘Approved’ badge on Netgalley where in one day I doubled my auto approval status from two to four publishers. Go me. exciting times ahead.

Or something.

In more exciting news, for the first time since around Christmas, I received book post. Not one book. Not even two books. Four books! Yes folks, four lovely jubbly books. I am beside myself with excitement. Well I am beside the cat who is lying across my feet as I work on my laptop, but if I rename her ‘Myself with Excitement’ then I am strictly not lying. It is harder to remember than Luna and in all honesty she doesn’t look exactly impressed, but I’m sure with time we’ll both get used to it. It’s more polite than the names I usually call her when she bounces off my head at three in the morning.

But you probably aren’t interested in my domestic arrangements so I’ll tell you about the books instead. First up was a double header from Orenda, two books I am very excited about reading. One was We Were The Salt Of The Sea by Roxanne Bouchard, the second, and this induced a small amount of bounciness to be fair, was Keeper by Johana Gustawsson. I know right? Super happy book blogger over here then. I also received two more books, no less exciting than the first two, in the shape of Evidence of Death by Peter Ritchie and Kate Riordan’s The Stranger, although technically that one is for Mandie who is taking part in the blog tour on behalf of Jen Med’s.

Aren’t they pretty? I’ve concluded that book post is like buses. You wait for weeks then loads come along at once. I am going to assume the bus/bookpost union is going to declare a strike agin now for a few weeks but it was fun while it lasted. Not to be deterred, and because it would be a shame not to use my new found auto-approved statuses, I may have downloaded a few books from the old Netgalley. Purely for blog tours – lets not go mad now.

I found it absolutely necessary to pick up the following treats: Found Drowned by BK Duncan; The Craftsman by Sharon Bolton; The Pact by SE Lynes and The Little Cottage On The Hill by Emma Davies. Blog tours books. Each and every one, I swear.

Depending on your point of view (i.e. whather or not you own Amazon) I’ve been pretty good purchase wise this week. Sort of. Just a few new preorders and books I realised I hadn’t preordered that i should have. You know? The essentials. First up was Blue Night by Simone Buchholz; a Quick Reads title – Clean Break by Tammy Cohen; Killer On The Run and Hidden Agenda by MA Comley; Finders Keepers by KT Finch and White Lies by Lucy Dawson.

A couple of audible purchase may have fell into my shopping basket too. This Is How It Ends by Eva Dolan; The Wicked Cometh by Laura Carlin; The Silent Wife by Kerry Fisher.

Lots of road trips coming up. I need the company. As I was quite bogged down with meetings this week, I’ve been struggling with the reading. Still managed to clear a few, and fluffing good reads they were too. One confused the fluff out of me mind as the central family’s name was Lucas, the character had and Aunt Jenny (Lucas) and her father was Patrick (Pat). Pat happens to have been my mother’s name. Talk about yer deja vu moments …

Books I Have Read

Perfect Death – Helen Fields

There’s no easy way to die…

Unknown to DI Luc Callanach and the newly promoted DCI Ava Turner, a serial killer has Edinburgh firmly in his grip. The killer is taking his victims in the coldest, most calculating way possible – engineering slow and painful deaths by poison, with his victims entirely unaware of the drugs flooding their bloodstream until it’s too late.

But how do you catch a killer who hides in the shadows? A killer whose pleasure comes from watching pain from afar? Faced with their most difficult case yet, Callanach and Turner soon realise they face a seemingly impossible task…

The third book in the Luc Callanach series, I’ll be reviewing this as part of the blog tour this time next week. perhaps slightly slower in pace than the others, or maybe that was just me, it was no less tense nad the risks for Luc and Eva as high as ever. You can order your own copy right here.

…

The Reunion – Samantha Hayes

They were all there the day your sister went missing. Who is lying? Who is next?

THEN – In charge of her little sister at the beach, Claire allowed Eleanor to walk to the shop alone to buy an ice cream. Placing a coin into her hand, Claire told her to be quick, knowing how much she wanted the freedom.

Eleanor never came back.

NOW – The time has finally come to sell the family farm and Claire is organising a reunion of her dearest friends, the same friends who were present the day her sister went missing.

When another girl disappears, long-buried secrets begin to surface. One of the group hides the darkest secret of them all…

This is it. The book that confused me. Doesn’t take much. Tense and littered with secrets, this book gripped me from the off, taking only a few hours to devour. My review will be published soon but you can preorder your own copy here.

…

The Collector – Fiona Cummins

Jakey escaped with his life and moved to a new town. His rescue was a miracle but his parents know that the Collector is still out there, watching, waiting . . .

Clara, the girl he left behind, dreams of being found. Her mother is falling apart but she will not give up hope.

The Collector has found an apprentice to take over his family’s legacy.  But he can’t forget the one who got away and the detective who destroyed his dreams.

DS Etta Fitzroy must hunt him down before his obsession destroys them all.

I have been sitting on this book (not literally) since the summer, promising myself I would read it, but thinking I should wait a little closer to publication. I loved Rattle. Could The Collector leave me with the same feeling? Well, you’ll find out very soon when I publish my review but you can order your own copy for Kindle right now. Hardback is out in a couple of weeks and can be ordered here.

…

Quick Reads: Inspector Chopra and the Million Dollar Motor Car – Vaseem Khan

An enchanting Baby Ganesh Agency short story: a million-dollar car is missing. Chopra has two days to find it, or the gangster who bought it will not be happy.

The Premier No.1 Garage is the place to go in Mumbai if you want a luxury car. Even Mumbai’s biggest gangster shops there – he’s just ordered a classic race car worth millions.

But now the car is gone. Stolen from a locked room, in the middle of the night.

Who stole it? The mechanic who is addicted to gambling? The angry ex-worker? The car thief pulling off one last job?

And how on earth did they make it vanish from the locked garage?

Inspector Chopra has just days to find the culprit – and the missing car – before its gangster owner finds out … and takes violent revenge.

Does exactly what it says on the tin. About an hours worth of a very fun Chopra and Ganesha adventure here which had me chuckling and smiling. If you love the series as I do, you won’t want to miss out so you can orders your own copy here. If you haven’t read any Chopra books, it’s a really goo taster of what you are missing.

…

Quick Reads: Cut Off – Mark Billingham

Step into a thrilling Quick Read from number one bestselling crime fiction author Mark Billingham. It’s the moment we all fear: losing our phone, leaving us cut off from family and friends. But, for Louise, losing hers in a local café takes her somewhere much darker.

After many hours of panic, Louise is relieved when someone gets in touch offering to return the phone. From then on she is impatient to get back to normal life.

But when they meet on the beach, Louise realises you should be careful what you wish for…

Another quick read title but one which will certainly make you stop and think about how over connected we are to our phones and technology and what happens when you lose it. Do you also lose sight of the danger right in front of your eyes if only viewing the world through the sight on your camera phone? You can order your own copy here.

…

That was it. Not too much, not too shabby. Probably just right all things considered. I had a pretty full on week on the blog as well, sticking to my resolution of cutting back and posting every day …

Bloody Scotland: Stars of Scottish crime writing to get bloody in Kolkata

Guest Review: Dancing Over The Hill by Cathy Hopkinsths

Review: The Legacy by Yrsa Sigurdardottir

#BlogTour: Little Liar by Clare Boyd

#BlogTour: We Own The Sky by Luke Allnutt

#BlogTour: Black Heart by Anna-Lou Weatherley

#BlogTour: Dark Angel by Helen Durrant

Cover Reveal: Rachel Amphlett – Kay Hunter is back … soon

No so busy week coming up but still managed to shoe-horn in a couple of blog tours with Killed by Thomas Enger on Wednesday, Blue Night by Simone Buchholz on Friday and The Lying Kind by Alison James on Saturday.

This week is a bit mixed. Health and Safety meeting tomorrow morning (boo hiss) followed by the afternoon off and a trip down to London for First Monday Crime (yay!!!!!!). Back to Londinium on Wednesday as I am visiting a unit but otherwise I will be desk bound, no doubt messing with something in excel. I usually am and as month end has been and gone while I was in other meetings, I have quite a bit to catch up on. My life is so glam. Not. Did manage to book tickets for the Orenda Roadshow in Warwick in a couple of weeks though, so not all bad.

Have a fabulous week all. See you on the other side.

Jen

  Rewind, recap: Weekly update w/e 04/02/18 So. You will all be delighted to learn that I survived my two day meeting. So did my management team so that's nice.

i think you’ve realised some lists, but could you link your friends to lovers lists? 💞 thank u so much !

ABSOLUTELY NONNY!

God It’s euphoric being in a great mood!! It’s felt like 80 years since I’ve felt this happy. It’s gonna go away the second it rains again, but ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I’m feeling generous so I’ll post this today and I’ve had the list “ready to post” for a few months. Here’s a part 2 list to my other list since I’ve enough to do it :D

FRIENDS-TO-LOVERS Pt. 2

See also:

T-RATED Pt. 1: Friends To Lovers Fics || [MOBILE LINK]

Enemies to Friends to Lovers

Friends to Lovers Pt. 1 [FULL POST] || [MOBILE POST]

Closeted by Sexxica (E, 2,762 w., 1 Ch. || Trapped in a Closet, Panicking Sherlock, Hand Jobs, Coming in Pants, Awkward Conversations, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Fluffy Ending) – An improvised hiding spot and a bit of accidental voyeurism leave John and Sherlock in an awkward position.

Better Late Than Never by sussexbound (NR (T), 3,021 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4 / TFP Doesn’t Exist, Sherlock POV, Love Confessions, Drunk Sherlock / Sober John, John Takes Care of Sherlock, First Kiss, Jealous Sherlock, Emotional Turmoil) – He suddenly wants John Watson out of his bedroom, out of his flat, out of his life, because he has been lying to himself these last few months, he realises. He doesn’t want John here, not with the way things are. He doesn’t want 221b Baker Street to be nothing more than rest stop John returns to on his journeys between women. He doesn’t want to play co-parent if Rosie is going to be snatched away from him and placed in the arms of whatever nameless woman du jour John lands on next. He doesn’t want to keep being so careful, so generous, so, so…

The General Idea by agirlsname (T, 3,022 w., 1 Ch. || Retirement, Promise of Forever / Proposal, POV John, First Kiss, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Soft Sherlock, Idiots in Love, Crying / Emotional Sherlock, Love Confessions) – After twenty years of friendship, John is used to Sherlock acting weirdly. But the news Sherlock finally brings himself to deliver change the carefully built dynamics between them, and John realises it's time to act.

Nothing So Sweet by alexxphoenix42 (E, 5,275 w., 1 Ch. || Shopkeeper AU || Beekeeping, Sussex, Alternate First Meeting, Awkward First Time Sex, Self-Consciousness / Body Insecurity, Fluff, Hand Jobs) – In an alternate universe, Sherlock is busy keeping to himself, tending his bees, and selling lovely jars of honey when a soldier limps into his life quite unexpectedly. Part 1 of The Sweetest Things

Caffeine and Adaptive Programming by DemonicSymphony (E, 5,540 w., 1 Ch. || Androids AU / Bond Fusion || Android Sherlock, Coffee Shop AU, Pining John Hinted Bond / Q, Toplock) – Sherlock is a coffee shop android slowly falling for a regular customer. But he's not supposed to be able to feel emotions.

My First, My Only, and My Forever by vintagelilacs (E, 6,220 w., 1 Ch. || Post-ASiB, Virgin Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock’s Bum, John’s Scar, Sherlock POV, Body Worship, Fingering, Bottomlock, Promise of Forever / Proposals, Misunderstanding, First Kiss/Time, Loss of Virginity, Virginity Kink, Seduction) – Sherlock narrowed his eyes. He was missing a vital piece of data, he was sure. John had been looking at him oddly ever since they left Buckingham Palace, and the ensuing incident with Irene Adler had only exacerbated his erratic behaviour. What was it? Why would he care that Sherlock was a virgin? There was nothing reminiscent of mockery or pity in his gaze. And then it hit him. John Watson was aroused.

An Interpretation of Viewing Habits by akitsuko (E, 6,653 w., 1 Ch. || Porn Watching, Masturbation, Anal, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss / Time, Declarations of Love, Jealous Sherlock, Fantasizing, John in Denial / Internalized Homophobia, Bottomlock, Pining Idiots, Sherlock Has No Boundaries, Cockblocking Sherlock) – John watches porn. It's a perfectly normal thing to do.If every video he watches happens to feature actors with remarkable physical similarities to his flatmate, well, that's no one's business but his own. Or: John is in denial, until his infatuation with Sherlock is impossible to deny anymore.

Sometimes When We Touch by kedgeree (M, 7,755 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, First Kiss/Time, Inappropriate Giggling, Romance, Friends to Lovers, Virgin Sherlock, John Whump, Touching) – John might be touching Sherlock a little more often than is strictly necessary. Sherlock probably hasn't even noticed. Right...?

Just Like That by sussexbound (E, 8,442 w., 1 Ch. || First Time/Kiss, Frottage, Virgin Sherlock, French Kissing, Anal, Emotional Lovemaking, Enthusiastic Consent, Tenderness, Crying John, Bathing/Washing, Insecure John, Toplock) – John doesn’t want to talk anymore. He wants. Oh dear god, how he wants. For the first time in what feels like years he WANTS.

The Haunting of 221B Baker Street by earlgreytea68 (M, 10,388 w., 2 Ch. || Post TRF, Halloween / Ghosts, Pining Sherlock, Ghost Sherlock, Stroppy Sherlock, Sherlock POV, First Kiss/Time, Angry Sex, Ghost Sex, Love Confessions, Open / Ambiguous Ending) – In which Sherlock Holmes is a ghost.

London Gods by a_different_equation (E, 11,092 w., 5 Ch. || American Gods Fusion || Magical Realism, Sex Magic, True Love, PTSD John, First Kiss/Time, Marathon Sex, Sensuality, Genie Sherlock, Human John, Internalized Homophobia, Star-Crossed Lovers, Soul Mates) – Sherlock Holmes is a jinn who does not grant wishes. However, when Dr. John H. Watson, recently returned from the war in Afghanistan, gets into his cab by "accident", it might not even need magic to grant both men their deepest wish: love.

Kintsugi by distantstarlight (E, 14,772 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Regret / Remorse, Loneliness, Separation, Drug Use, Healing, Protective John, Sad Sherlock, Dev. Rel., Complicated Relationships, Love, Angst With Happy Ending, Sherlock is Called Freak, John’s Penance, Voyeurism, Doctor/Caretaker John, Guilty John, Detox, Fingering, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Slight Non-Con Turns Enthusiastic Consent, Virgin Sherlock) – Sherlock Holmes becomes estranged from the man he had once considered his best friend after John lets him down horribly in public. It seems that the world's only consulting detective will be on his own once again...or will he?

The Burning of the Leaves by blueink3 (M, 15,915 w., 3 Ch. || Post S4, Angst, Reichenbach, Parentlock, Past Jolto, Idiot John, Sherlock’s a Mess, Puppies, Fluff, Possessive / Jealous Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock POV, Matchmaker Sholto, Melancholic Feelings, Emotional Sherlock, Domesticity, Love Confessions in the Rain, Kissing in the Rain, Pet Names, Panic Attack) – After the events of series 4, Major Sholto invites John and Sherlock to lunch one day. It nearly proves to be too much for their tenuous relationship as the past haunts the present, putting the future that Sherlock so desperately wants at risk.

A Silver Sixpence by _doodle (NC-17, 16,400 w., 2 Ch. || LJ Fic || For a Case / Case Fic, Fake Relationship, Humour, Romance, Marriage Proposal, Awkward Idiots, Cuddling, Touching, Kissing, Love Confessions, Bed Sharing, Friends to Lovers, Fake Until It’s Not, Schmoop and Fluff, Bottomlock) – “John, we need to get married. It’s for a case, not any romantic notions on my part pertaining to our partnership,” Sherlock said, with brutal honesty, and without even looking up.

The Palmyra Atoll by elwinglyre (E, 16,609 w., 3 Ch. || TSo3 Divergence / Episode Fix-It, Stockholm Syndrome, Kidnapped John Watson, John Whump, Evil Mary, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Toplock, Limited 3rd John POV) – As John's preparing for the wedding, Sherlock is preparing to have his heart broken, and Mary is prepared to do the unthinkable. Intervention required. Enter Sherlock. Set before Sign of Three with a far different outcome. John is drugged, kidnapped, and left on an island, but not just any old island.

Out of the Woods by SilentAuror (E, 20,471 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Romance, Slow Burn, Flirting, Drunk Sex, Practical Jokes, POV Sherlock, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Pining Sherlock, Frustrated Wanking, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, First Kiss/Time, Virgin Sherlock, Love Confessions, Soft Sherlock, Dancing, Bum Appreciation, Hanging out with the Yard) – Sherlock is fairly certain that John has taken to flirting with him of late, but can't be entirely certain of it. At least, not until a case takes them into a forest, along with Lestrade's team and something happens that will change everything about their lives...

The Kepler Problem by kinklock (E, 24,270 w., 1 Ch. || Sci-Fi AU, Alien Sherlock, Space Repairman John, Alien Biology, Horny John) – Working in uncharted space exploration was not as exciting as John had hoped, especially when it turned out to be mostly bot maintenance on uninhabited planets. However, the mystery of the repeated, unexplained malfunctions on planet BAK 2212 might turn out to be exactly the kind of adventure he'd been craving.

Silhouettes by allonsys_girl (E, 28,585 w., 7 Ch. || Canon Compliant, POV John, Heavy Drinking, Sad/Depressed John, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Reunion, Foot Jobs, Blow Jobs, Infidelity, Cheating, Drug Use/Abuse, Anal, Switchlock, Rimming, Parentlock) – Sherlock and John find comfort in each other's arms, but as ever with these two, it's not your typical relationship. It's fluffy at the beginning, gets deeply angsty in the middle, gets porny at the end.

A Home for Us by sussexbound (M, 30,581 w., 12 Ch. || Scars, Bedsharing, Grief, Doctor John, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Heavy Emotions, Clingy Sherlock, Hallucinations, Disassociation, Emotional Turmoil) – He has been on the road for two years, and he is exhausted. He’s almost accepted that he will never see London (John) again—almost. But then there are nights like tonight, where he is weak, and all he can think of is the warmth of the flat they once shared, the crackle of the fire in the hearth, the teasing smile playing at the corner of John’s lips, the boxes of half-eaten Chinese takeaway balanced precariously in their laps. He aches at the memory of it, at the realisation that it is something he may never experience again.

The Whore of Babylon Was a Perfectly Nice Girl by out_there (E, 32,897 w., 1 Ch. || Past Drug Use, Blowjobs, Toplock, Mentions of Switching, Rough Sex, Background Cases, Sherlock’s Past, Sherlock’s Sexual History, Experienced Sherlock, Past One Night Stands, Fingering, Cuddling, Possessive Sherlock, Paris Holiday, Bed Sharing, Naked Lie-Ins, Bathing Together, Confessions, Worried Sherlock, Laying in Bed All Day, Meddling Mycroft, Naked Lazy Day) – Sherlock walks into a room and takes all the space right out of it. He does the same inside John's head.

carrying up his morning tea by darcylindbergh (E, 34,504 w., 5 Ch. || Post S3, Minor Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Wakes/Funerals, Estranged John, Pining Sherlock, Depression/Insecurity, Slow Burn, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Chronic Pain/Injury, Reconciliation, Awkwardness, Loneliness, Scars, Angst With Happy Ending) – His fingers tremble as he dials and he can’t force them steady. Familiar number, even though he hasn’t used it in two years. He isn’t even sure he should be calling it now, but she’d asked. She’d made him promise.

Guidelines by WithLoweredVoices (M, 43,018 w., 15 Ch. || Winglock || Angels, Fantasy, Angst, BAMF! John, War, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Jealous John, Falling in Various Ways, Needy Sherlock, Wings) – The Good Soldier, one of the oldest and strongest of the fallen, is offered a bargain: to live as John Watson and to Guide a fledgling archangel so that he will stay on the path of good. Of course, Sherlock Holmes has different ideas about his destiny. Fantasy AU. Warnings for violence, occasional gore, and a whole load of hurt and angst.

The Real Great Perfumers by shelleysprometheus (E, 45,355 w., 68 Ch. || Case Fic, Alternating POV, Gay Sherlock / Bi John, Canon Compliant with Divergence at TRF, Friends to Lovers, Oral / Anal, Pining, First Kiss / Time, Dev. Rel., Drugging, Body Worship, Bathing, Love Confessions, Travelling, Bottomlock, Cranky Sherlock, BJ’s, Alternating POV, Jealous John) – The case, this case. This extraordinary, fascinating, scintillating case. A house. Designed entirely by its eccentric owner, built by no less than five hundred expert tradesmen in the heart of Marrakesh. A house that had, seemingly not only driven its owner out, but also to his quite unpleasant death. And a perfumer, a chemist no less, the very thought of the secrets that house could reveal, would reveal was irresistible. Sherlock had to have this case ... and it seems, he also had to have John! Part 1 of the Forethought and Fire series

Anchor Point by trickybonmot (E, 49,856 w., 80 Ch. || Truman Show AU || Psychological Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Dark Characters / Fic, Alternating First/Third Person, Protective John, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Tender Moments, Love Confessions, Hand/Blow Jobs, Cuddling, Jealous John, First Kiss/Time) – The world tunes in nightly for Sherlock, the ultimate in reality TV: Sherlock Holmes, a real person with a legendary name, unknowingly lives out his life in a staged setting contrived by his brother. Things get complicated when a retired army doctor joins the show to play the part of Sherlock's closest friend. This fic borrows its concept from the 1998 film, the Truman Show. However, you don't need to have any knowledge of the movie to enjoy this story.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by SilentAuror (E, 50,635 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4/S4 Divergence, Case Fic, For a Case / Reverse Fake-Relationship, Conferences, Marriage Equality, Travelling / New York, Pride, Homophobia, Bottomlock, Marriage Proposal, John POV, Sexuality, Love Confessions, Emotional Love Making, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Passionate Kissing, Needy/Clingy Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Touching / Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Little Spoon Sherlock, Intense Orgasms) – John and Sherlock go to New York to attend a conference run by the National Defence of Traditional Marriage Coalition in order to investigate the potential bombing of the annual Manhattan Pride parade. As the conference unfolds, John finds himself repulsed by the toxic ideology being presented, which becomes relevent to his own unacknowledged issues and his friendship with Sherlock...

Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.

One Little Change by jadztone (E, 58,312 w. || ASiB Divergence, Fake Relationship, Bed Sharing, Mutual Pining, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss / Time, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Bi John / Gay Demisexual Sherlock, Switchlock, Alternating POV, Jealousy, Misunderstandings, Case Fic, Angst with Happy Ending, Emotional Love Making, Butt Plugs, Cuddles) – Our story begins right after John and Sherlock's first meeting with Irene Adler in September. It splits off into an AU that imagines them taking a case where they act as bait to hook a killer targeting closeted gays in secret relationships. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, many things happen that have our boys wondering if maybe they have a chance with each other. Then Irene fakes her death on Christmas Eve, and things get a lot more complicated - especially since they still have a killer to catch.

Hell Sent, Heaven Bound by ConsultingHound (M, 64,381 w, 16 Ch. || Angels / Demons AU ||  Fallen Angel Sherlock / Angel Cop John, Alternate First Meeting, Slow Burn, Case Fic, John & Lestrade are Friends Before Sherlock, BAMF John, Mind Palace John, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Sherlock Picks Out John’s Clothing, Clubbing / Dancing, Mildly Jealous John, Awkwardness, Kidnapping, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Sacrifice, Worried / Anxious Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Immortal to Mortal) – Ex-War healer and current angelic guard John Watson is not having the best day. He overslept, he’s underpaid, and now there’s someone tagging the Council’s building walls. However things may be about to get interesting: there’s an unusual stranger hanging around (the definition of tall, dark, and handsome), a literal underground cult is brewing, and rumblings are coming from hell. Can he keep his neighbourhood safe, how and why is he being connected to all this, and who the hell is Sherlock Holmes?

White Knight by DiscordantWords (M, 69,840 w., 13 Ch. || S4 Compliant/Post S4, Marriage For a Case, Jealous John, Pining John, Janine / Sherlock Fake Relationship, Serial Killers, Case Fic, Undercover as a Couple, Weddings, John is a Mess, Misunderstandings, Wedding Planning, Jealousy, Drunkenness, Love Confessions, Angst with Happy Ending) – Green. The word green was used to convey a great many things. Illness. Envy. Inexperience. Standing there amidst Janine's chattering bridesmaids, watching Sherlock furrow his brow and study fabric swatches, watching him smile and simper and flirt, John thought it a remarkably apt colour choice. Because he felt quite sick to his stomach, he feared the source of said sickness might very well be jealousy, and he had absolutely no idea at all what to do about it. Or: Sherlock needs to fake a relationship for a case. He doesn't ask John.

Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he's consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w., 18 Ch. || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.

The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Flashbacks, Sussex, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Background Case Fic) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series

Given In Evidence by verityburns (M, 97,884 w., 19 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Angst, Drama, Case Fic, Romance, BAMF!John, Submissive Sherlock, First Kiss, Humour) – Coming back from the dead can be a complicated business. With a new case on the horizon, rebuilding a life is one thing... rebuilding a friendship quite another. For Sherlock and John, things may never be just the same...

A Study in Winning by Jupiter_Ash (E, 106,658 w., 11 Ch. || Tennis AU || John POV, Dirty Talk, Mutual Pining, Misunderstandings, Happy Ending, Sherlock Speaks French, Switchlock, Wimbledon) – John and Sherlock are professional tennis players and it’s Wimbledon. One is a broken almost was at the end of his career, the other an arrogant rising star tipped for greatness. It should have been a straightforward tournament. It really should have been. How were they to know that a chance encounter would change everything? Part 1 of Tennis

A Further Sea by i_ship_an_armada & ShinySherlock (E, 125,492 w., 23 Ch. || Historical Pirates AU || Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Doctor John / Pirate Captain Sherlock, Sailing, UST / RST, Masturbation, Action / Adventure, Mild Angst & Peril, Romance, Shaving, Molly/Janine, Bottomlock, Hand / Blow Jobs, Past Drug Use, Slow Burn, Mild Violence, Happy Ending) – Here be a tale of adventure for both body and soul, but beware if ye be not of stout heart, for this be piratelock, ya savvy? Luckless ship's surgeon John Watson takes a chance, and finds himself eye to eye with The Ghost, the scourge of the seven seas and a definite thorn in the side of the blaggard, James Moriarty. But when John finds there's more to this most cunning pirate than be meetin' the eye, he has to choose... is it a pirate's life for him?

The Bang and the Clatter by earlgreytea68 (M, 137,049 w., 37 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Baseball AU || Slow Burn / Dev. Rel., Possessive/Obsessive Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Mutual Pining, Body Appreciation, Depression, Closeted Sexuality, Family, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Ogling Each Other, Anxious Sherlock, Panic Attack, Drunkenness, Talk of Forever, Big Feelings™) – Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU. Part 1 of Baseball

Performance In a Leading Role by Mad_Lori (E, 156,714 w., 24 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Hollywood / Actor AU, Secret Relationship, Falling in Love, Slow Burn, Romance, Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Pining) – Sherlock Holmes is an Oscar winner in the midst of a career slump. John Watson is an Everyman actor trapped in the rom-com ghetto. When they are cast as a gay couple in a new independent drama, will they surprise each other? Will their on-screen romance make its way into the real world? Part 1 of Performance in a Leading Role

Gimme Shelter by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (E, 159,368 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || 70′s Surfer AU || Period Typical Homophobia, Hawaii, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Professional Surfers, Gay John / Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, John was a Sailor, Misunderstandings) – All John Watson wants is the feeling of a freshly waxed surfboard under his feet and the hot California sun baking down onto his back. To finally go pro in the newly formed world of professional surfing and leave the dark memories of his past behind him as he rips across the face of a towering blue barrel. To lounge beside the beach bonfire every evening with an ice cold beer tucked into the cool sand beside him and listen to Pink Floyd and the Doors while the saltwater dries in his sun bleached hair. That's all he wants, that is, until the hot young phenom taking Oahu and the Hawaiian shores by storm steps up next to him in the sand in the second round of the 1976 International Surf Competition. (PUBLISHED AS ‘The Sea Ain’t Mine Alone’)

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

Lying face down on my bed, googling pain free ways to kill myself with a whole packet of paramol in my hand ready for digestion was the time that I realised it was my responsibility to pull myself out of the hell hole I had transcended into, no one else's. It really does not get any lower from a mental perspective. On the outside I had a lot going for me. A Director level job in an amazing company with a culture many would envy, the confidence to walk into a room of C-Suite Executives and pitch our latest solution on the fly, batting back questions thrown at me like a game of tennis. I had two beautiful boys; Jackson (4) and Carter (18 months), who were and still are as special as it gets. I had the sort of family people wish for, loving parents, kind hearted, warm sisters who would never have a bad word to say to anyone. My family was extremely close, choosing to spend time with each other often over time with respective friends. I lived in a fairly affluent area, wanted for very little and had my whole life ahead of me. Yet the issue was, I didn’t want my life any more. I was a failure, a fat, lazy, ugly, horrible, selfish human being who did not deserve to be surrounded by people and could not let my young children grow up to ‘find me out’ and resent me for who I was. This was the constant dialogue I had run in my head for nearly a year. 2016. The toughest year of all. I’m not going to go into the finer detail here because I respect the person I am writing about greatly and some things are better kept to yourself, however, I had split with my wife and it had hit me hard. Having been with her since the age of 16 and 31 at the time, the life I had always known was gone and I was left with this extremely daunting one. Being alone for the first time in my life. During the break up was when the anxiety started. I remember thinking to myself “Fucking hell. NO ONE would understand what this feels like unless they had it themselves”. It was crippling. I’m talking about anxiety so severe that I would begin shaking in the car on the way to work, and by the time I parked up, I would have to play a certain song to get me moving or I would very likely just drive through the space and go home again. Sometimes I did just that. Sometimes I would be sat at my desk and would see two people head off to the board room for a meeting. Stars would appear and the extreme paranoia that they were meeting to discuss how they could get me out of the company and sack me, because I wasn’t good enough to be doing what I was doing. I wasn’t good enough at anything in my eyes, and this had been with me for a very long time. It felt like someone had taken away my armour and that even the smallest of things could cut me deep. A look in the wrong direction, an ill word from my ex wife. Things that normally would have fallen away like the proverbial water off a duck’s back, were just too much to take. I was fragile beyond my means and as a result, depended heavily on my amazing mother. Often worrying her with panic after a call or a text message for some support. What she went through must have been so taxing but I was too ill and selfish at the time to care, I needed support and sure enough, her phone would beep. Intimacy with anyone or anything was a huge challenge. My heart would beat 10 times faster than it needed to the minute anyone got close to me, it was so noticeable that a certain someone would notice it jumping through my skin and comment, which only made it worse. I remember often telling anyone w ho’d listen that I was ‘broken and beyond repair’ I truly meant it. I was hopelessly lost and careering towards disaster. The only time I ever felt great was when I drank alcohol, and drink it I did. I’ve learned that this is an extremely common trait amongst those with mental illness but at the time I was entrapped in the most vicious of cycles. I would live for the next time I could drink myself stupid and have an ‘amazing night out’. Of course I was the life and soul of the party, because I was always the instigator. This behaviour stemmed right back to my teens and I’m not stupid enough to think that a separation made me depressed, I had been depressed for a very long time. It just heightened it and tipped me over the edge. I would get blackouts and forget chunks of the night and in some cases, the entire night itself. I would do things I am just so ashamed of, say the most obnoxious of things and then wake up the next morning feeling like death. For years I had told myself and everyone around me that I always got the worst hangovers, quizzically wondering why friends could just get up and get on with their day while I was unable to move, petrified of what was happening and dreading going to bed. It wasn’t my affliction to alcohol, I was seriously ill and just didn’t understand it. Day two of the hangover always felt worse, day three the anxiety kicked back in and day four the self loathing started. Ready for another weekend of drinking again. It’s funny how those who mask things with drinking never remember the agony they went through following the last session. The problem with a vicious cycle is that it only ends one way, destruction. And destruction for me came in the form of a small pitch looming at work. For some perspective, I had pitched hundreds of times in some form or another, it was my thing. It was supposed to be my core skill. However this time was different. After an entirely restless night (solid sleeping was non existent in those times) I had convinced myself that the people pitching in my team and the clients we were pitching too were going to ‘ find out’ about me. I can’t really explain what this means because I’m not really sure myself but needless to say, I completely broke down. In the carpark at the back of my work. The dread had got the better of me and something had to be done. The issue was, I had been soldiering on at work filled with dread for so many months, fuelled by the fear that if they found out how I was feeling they would remove me from my position. I felt a huge responsibility to deliver for them and I needed my job more than anything, the financial pressure of splitting up and caring for my two boys had me desperate. My Mum’s phone beeped and this time her response was very clear. “ We’re going to the doctors”. So she called my work on behalf of me, she explained the situation and they reacted in a way that still fills me with a sense of warmth. They truly cared. They handled everything, told her to look after me and to take as much time as I needed. To this day I will never forget those words and I will always ensure that, if given the opportunity, I will use them to help someone else through a tough time. The Doctors was truly an experience. I don’t want to belittle Doctors, they work extremely hard over a long period to achieve the status and knowledge they have. The issue is, Doctors are simply not equipped to understand mental illness. Mine even admitted so to some extent. Nice as he was, he listened to what I had to say, and advised I take the drug ‘Sertraline’ to help give me the boost I needed to start feeling better. It was so easy. I could have told him anything. I’ve thought a lot about it since, and had I walked in portraying another mental illness he’d have prescribed me with something totally different. There was no process. ‘H ere’s your tablets, report back in a couple of weeks’. I had to trust the process, but I did not want to take them. Take them I did. The first two weeks were fine, I had been signed off work, I was relaxing. Planning small tasks to accomplish each day, trying hard to walk out the house but often failing. I even began to make the gym, to get rid of the disgusting belly I had grown. Then suddenly things changed, and my world dropped beneath me. We’re back to the ‘ they would never understand how I feel’ phase but unfortunately that’s where I found myself. I remember the morning like it was yesterday. I had returned to work, I was over the dread of returning to a room of people gossiping about me (they never did) and starting to settle back down. I had woken up and I knew something was hideously wrong, it’s like I had opened my eyes to an extreme version of the bedroom I had once known, it felt like hell. I was shaking, I was anxious out of my skin, my heart beating so fast that I thought I was going to die. I poured a triple vodka and diet coke at 10am in the morning just to try and make it stop, take the edge off. I walked to the bathroom crying. I picked up a packet of paramol. I lay back down on the bed. I was still crying. I was always fucking crying. I wanted to die and was going to do it. I didn’t. What I did instead was send out a cry for help that ultimately save me. I sent a text message to my Dad simply saying “ Dad I’m so sorry, I’ve had enough and I don’t want to be in this world anymore” He was at my house in under 15 minutes, packing my bag and bringing me back to his home. Something within me stopped me. I don’t know whether I bottled it, or whether I thought of my two beautiful boys and my family and realised the effect it would have on them and to be honest, I don’t care. I’m just glad I sent that text message and I’m glad my hero of a Dad got to me to take me home. The next thing I know, I’m asleep in my Mum’s house for near on 12 hours, probably the deepest sleep I had ever had. I woke to sit at my Mum’s kitchen table and we went through the potential side effects of Sertraline with a highlighter to establish which ones I had. We stopped at 27. Enough was enough and an emergency appointment was called with the doctor. I had been asked to outline how I felt so he could understand and decide on the next steps. I’m reserved to share what I wrote down but I feel it’s necessary to give you an insight into the severity of the situation; - When I wake up I feel tired and drowsy regardless of how much sleep I've had - I can never get to sleep because my mind is racing - Sometimes I just go to the toilet and cry and I have no idea why. Then I wait for ages because I don't want people to see my red eyes - I am surrounded by people who are happy and successful and sometimes that thought is so intense that I am physically sick in my toilet - I constantly think that people are talking about me and trying to do things that would upset me. Plot to sack me, friends speaking to my ex wife - I absolutely dread walking into rooms of people because I think they've just been talking about me - I am unable to think about my job. The simplest task requires huge effort and I have outer body experiences and get dizzy - I subject my people close to me to emotional blackmail one minute and treat them amazing the next. Even though I know I'm doing it sometimes I can't stop - my life is uncontrollable. I can't manage money, I don't open mail, I don't eat properly, I depend heavily on my parents and hate it - the simplest task like cleaning just seems impossible to do so I ignore it - I regularly think about alcohol and how I never want to go near it - I feel so much better when I drink, on top of the world. It’s when I feel the most happiest - I am then petrified of what I'll feel like the next day so sometimes I just have more drinks - I drink on my own some nights and take it too far and feel crap the next day - My hangovers make me suicidal. I do not see a reason for living any more because I just ruin everything I touch - My hangovers last 4 days minimum - When I drink I make so many horrific decisions. Things I simply can't even talk about. I become a different person - I feel trapped, I need to go on holiday but I can't ever afford to. I need to work because my bills are so high - I DETEST how I look, I'm overweight - I DETEST my lack of discipline and inability to go to the gym - I tell everyone around me that I will do things and then never follow them through. I'm a failure every time - Sometimes I can't talk about my children because it just makes me so sad and I cry all the time about it. They're so happy and nice and I am such a shit person - I've lied about so much to keep people from hating me - I have credit card companies chasing me 10 times a day for payments that I can't pay Physical Symptoms - Heart beats fast - Sore tongue & ulcers - Chills and tingles down my arms - Stiff legs and body in the morning - Feel hungover and drowsy until 10-11am - Puffy eyes sometimes Mental Symptoms - Simple things make me highly anxious - Paranoid that people are talking about me and trying to mess with me - Feel completely helpless/Nothing is in control - Often feel like it would be better off if I'm just not here - No motivation to go to the gym - Can't concentrate on anything - Failing at everything - Needy The Doctor’s next suggestion? Take more medication. My answer was a simple one. ‘Over my dead body’ Quite literally. I asked for him to refer me to a counsellor and so he did, with the promise I’d have contact from someone within 48 hours and an appointment within the week. I also went cold turkey on the medication. Two things happened next. 1) Cold turkey is a bitch, withdrawal is a bitch. I may as well have taken heroin. 2) I never got a call, I never heard from anyone. And so I began chasing the local counselling service I had been referred to, desperate for someone to talk to, a way out. Still very much hiding it from those around me that I was still feeling like I did. I was fighting it and that was something. I’d ring them and they would tell me a call was coming. This went on for three weeks until I got to the end of the road with it. Useless. And so my amazing parents emerged from the smoke again, and gave me money to go to pay for weekly counselling. At the same time I figured a few things out myself. 1) I needed to invest myself in getting better 2) I needed to read books 3) I needed to watch motivational videos 4) I needed to visualise my path out of the situation 5) I needed to draw on the amazingness of those close to me 6) I needed to do small but good things for other people 7) I needed to get fit again And so I devised a plan and I worked at it. And soon enough, the mental process of removing certain people from my life, surrounding myself with happy, nice people who truly cared for me began to pay off. I began treating the gym like my church, enjoying pushing myself and seeing the progress I was making. I wasn’t competing with anyone but myself, I wasn’t cutting carbs or starving myself. Working alongside Matt and other people in my life, I was systematically putting my life back together again. Am I 100%? Absolutely not. I still have my moments. But what I have replaced the misery with is this burning feeling you often hear people talk about. I guess they call it ‘burning’ because it feels so hot you have to do something with it quickly! The National Health Service is fundamentally flawed. Doctors have no funding or support to ultimately sort those who truly need it. The UK has a suicide rate on the increase, with men three times more likely to do it than women. There are thousands of men and women out there with or without mental illness who feel utterly helpless and filled with self loathing. They just want to get fit, look better, be happier, and see a future ahead of them. Together with Matt my vision is to grow a brand that achieves a few things. Firstly I want to raise awareness to mental illness and let people know that it’s ok to talk about it, secondly I want to show people that fitness is a fantastic catalyst for changing your life if done the right way, thirdly I want to give back. I want to show people that there are people there to help, I want to create initiatives for those feeling desperate, and alone. I was extremely lucky to have some of the world’s nicest humans around me. Others aren’t so fortunate. Finally, I want to build and grow a fitness community of like minded people; people who either need motivation and support or those who have been through something and want to harness that experience to help themselves and others. If you made it through the essay then I thank you and appreciate your attention. I urge you to become part of our community, benefit from our hard work and replicate it in your own life. Pay it forward, help other people and hopefully, our brand can have a ripple effect big enough to make a small dent in the world. Peace and love, 

Rich