#i was screaming getting my drink lol
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it’s emo night tonight and walking in the dj started playing thriller so i’m hoping this is a good sign
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i gotta be honest living under the constant threat that the cops can just show up and kidnap me and likely use excessive force to do so anytime they want like they have many times before for the crime of mental illness is not really helping my mental health all that much. one might say its even making it worse. hypothetically.
#hypothetically (i havent slept in days because of the paranoia)#yeah and its not helping to have 2 people that are physically violent in my life either#and every time i try to get away from them THEY CALL THE COPS AND LIE ABOUT ME HAVING A PLAN TO KILL MYSELF LOL#im working hard to get away but like im about to turn 25. its been almost 25 years. i want it to pay off now.#not in fucking 2 years or whatever i cant stand it for another second#im running on empty. i want things to be better now.#ptsd#apologies again for using this blog as a void to scream into about mental illness but i dont have anywhere else to do it lol#im trying not to drink anymore but idk maybe life should take its fucking boot off my neck for 5 seconds perhaps
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if youre over 17yo and you cant cook youre useless
#the amount of people in my generation who will get GENUINELY FLOORED if they see someone cook boxed mac n cheese#to the point where it is notable if someone cooks.#like it isnt a 'oh thats something everyone does. why are you mentioning that you drink water'#people freak out and act like you just revealed you have x ray vision and can fly.#it isnt cute for you to not be able to cook.#and i hope you know i am always imagining how you will slowly starve to death in an apocalypse scenario bc you dont know#how to heat something as simple as a can of beans to safe temperature#like seriously grow up#it screams entitlement and ineptitude#it's horrrrrrible in urban environments but even in rural areas you still find people who only know how to pop a ready meal in the microwav#they genuinely consider that cooking.#like.#actually.#inept adults#new tag dropped lol#it is kinda cool how im seen as godly just for doing the bare minimum every single able bodied human should be able to do
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Some of those doctors make hating oat milk their entire personality. I hate them. Cannot pretend to find them funny or like i give a shit. Fucking pretentious assholes
#also my colleague (the girl i had my shift with) is the exact opposite of me in all aspects. asked me if I'd ever worked in customer service#because i couldn't care less about being fake friendly to assholes and don't care if they like the service or not#like bitch those people don't have any other choice but drink our fucking coffee it's not like I'm competing with anyone#or like they pay us in any way. i get paid for doing the dumb work i have to do not for stroking some dumb ass doctors' egos#they come out of their rooms once an hour to get coffee and we have the cups on the table and i wouldn't even Think of#HANDING them the cups and smiling sweetly at them and asking 'coffee? tea?? :))'#I'll just assume these grown adults will get their stupid coffee or tea when they want some. it's not like they don't know where it is#(and i AM friendly and smile when someone is coming in our direction but why the fuck do you need to get so disgustingly friendly with them#if someone held up a cup asking if i.want some coffee I'd leave immediately even if i came just for coffee. it's creepy)#anyway. she's nice. I'm not.#there's normal people who will get their coffee and maybe ask if the milk in the little jug is cow milk to which I'll happily reply 'yes#:)'. then there's the other people who see the oat milk and make it clear they are the most insufferable people on the planet#(and i pity their patients so much. not much to choose from i guess but if i had that as a doctor I'd happily just die)#like everyone who took oatmilk could do it without making a fuss about the cow milk on the table. the cow milk lovers could never#'the oat milk is in front of the actual milk. this is unacceptable. i hate such healthy bullshit' lol okay#'OAT milk?? I'll leave this to the horses! THANK GOD you have actual milk!'#my favorite was the one who really took personal offense with its sheer presence. as if it had killed half of his patients lmao#'we had 50 patients with xyz problem. ALL of them drink oat milk. they cannot see the connection. it's really unhealthy'#at this point i just said i didn't care and stopped paying attention and he started complaining to his doctor colleague about how#oat milk is advertised to be healthy and how it's actually the opposite and i just find that very funny compared to the first comment#from that one guy who doesn't like such healthy bullshit. you guys need to find a consensus on the oatmilk issue i think. no one takes you#seriously if you contradict yourself like this. also i couldn't care less about the healthiness of the milk alternative of my choice. bitch.#next week I'll end up killing someone. i hope they all die from their cow milk. (but not the ones who took cow milk and didn't say anything#about the oat milk. they can continue living as they didn't annoy me)#void screams#some of these doctors were actually quite nice (most of them even). one even brought an applicant to us telling her to get some coffee#(which we are not allowed to give to applicants. but i don't care. I'd rather they get something than some of the asshole jury members#who hate oat milk (which is not the issue. the issue is them making it everybody else's issue that they don't like oat milk))
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can I just say that I’m so sick of the constant internalized fatphobia I see online 😭 why is everyone so fucking obsessed with others being ‘healthy’ lol if I wanna be fat, let me be fat and let it be MY own concern if my body weight is ‘healthy’ or not.
#like ???#don’t get me wrong#I’m obviously not saying that being fat is automatically unhealthy#that assumption is a whole different problem with fatphobia#but what I’m saying is#even if I’m unhealthy#WHO CARES#why is it anyone’s buisness but my self’s#I don’t go around screaming at people because they smoke or drink#it’s none of my buisness#since when is it obligatory to be healthy lol#can I just be unhealthy in peace please#being fat is okay#being unhealthy okay#being whatever the fuck you want without hurting someone is OKAY#people are tiresome#the internet is tiresome tbh lol#shut up sabrina#cw fatphobia
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The fun thing abt starting basically from scratch wrt finding out what foods I like is that what seems like a simple meal actuslly has 5 different ingredients I've never eaten and 10 ways of being made and differing quality of ingredients and any one of those variables could be responsible for me not liking a dish and I don't want to risk making something I don't end up eating so basically I'm in the shitter
#like i was just thinking abt trying out an energy drink#and i assume they all have some common flavour profile but it varies on brand and i dont know if ill like one but dislike another#which leads me to think the solution is to try them all but i dont wanna buy stuff i dont drink#and thats not even getting into flavours bcos usually flavours are something familiar u can latch onto#bcos like even if u dont know if u will like a strawberey flavour drink you at least know you like strawberry#so u have a baseline for seeing what you like and dont like abt it#but im like fuck man ive never had strawberries ive never had mangos or passionfruits or bananas or anything that thinfs are flavoured after#so i feel like 'branching out my tastes' requires plotting a video-game-level-like chart#where thr base level is 'strawberry' and thrn it progresses from there#and if i wanna try anyrhing strawb flabour i gotta try anstrawb#which sounds simple enough but also im screaming so. lol#sigh ill work on it over thr summer ig#foodposting
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BESTIES!!!! wish me luck pls! omg im so nervous in my car lmao
#its employed girl summer and this is the job that could possibly set me free from my horrible other job omg#im so nervous and excited#im inhaling this energy drink (im only here for two hours today lol) and im NERVOUS LMAO#silly how the only thing getting me through is the joe keery/quinn content i will inhale aftet#if you come across it rb it for me <3 i wanna see it hehehehehehhehehe#im shaking in my boots omg#also im wearing trousers and they are giving me an oppenheimer waist and i get it now…. i feel so powerful omg#work rn and possible splitting of an atom later 😌#(im kidding im not smart enough for that but i cannot shut up bcs im nervous so im rambling)#i feel SO SICK LMAO BUT NOT REALLY IM JUST NERVOUS AFTER I SPENT THE WHOLE WEEK SAYING I WASNT LMAO#AHHHHHHHHH#okay besties! gtg i will be back to being silly after i get out and i will update the void <3#txt.post#personal!#<- felt i might start this tag mayhaps#one more scream before i go AJDJFJJSJD-&;&&:$;@:$;@/#okay bye <3 hope you all are having a good day and if you read all this ily omg
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fuuuck man it feels like whenever i vent i'm probably over it 20 seconds mid-writing and then i feel like an attention-seeking loon
#// vent#i don't even know what to feel anymore#i feel drained and anxious and fucking nauseous.#all i want to do is drink coffee until i get a fucking heart attack because at least it feels like anything other than the above three#i'm sick of myself i'm sick of referring to myself because it makes me feel like i'm being selfish and like 'oh I think-' 'I I I I' SHUT UP#i don't even know what i think about anymore it's actually so very blank and stale and bland and NOTHING#constant boredom and boredom and my god i am too lazy for this shit. waste of air lol#i'm not at any notable point but my brain fog gets so fucking intolerable that i want to scream. i never do#i was gonna add a lot more to this but rn it feels so trivial even though i really wanna talk about it
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i’ve had like 3 separate calls with 3 separate friends in the last 5 hours, and you know, i really did come close to crying as soon as i got off the phone with them
#caroline talks#i just suddenly miss all my college friends a lot#like yes we're all in the same state but it's not the same as being a 2 second walk away from them#and ofc when i resume my music OF COURSE spotify decides to put on 'with' from the twenty five twenty one ost#and that was when i started crying a little bit#lol i'm getting drinks with a law school friend later tonight#so it's not like i have NO friends at law school#but like. i suddenly crave that familiarity you know?#where like. i'm with people who i've known for years#and they feel real and sincere and i can be comfortable#i've been watching reply 1988 lately#and i feel a lot for taek because taek reminds me of me in a lot of ways#like. the quiet one in the friend group bc they're a little sad#but like. everyone feels the urge to protect them as much as possible for some reason#when i started watching rpely 1988 i was like 'omg those friends treat taek the same way they treat me'#which is to say. very protective and always super loud but that's bc they know how he's quiet and a little bit melancholy#so they brighten his life so much#and thinking about twenty five twenty one when the gang yells and screams any time they see baek yi jin#and yi jin face palms like oh god#but he also felt like he was finally living his youth when he was around them#same feelings even though obvs all my friends are my own age/maybe a little older than me#but like. i used to feel too old for my age way too often#and i would finally feel my age when i was with my college friends#and i MISS THEMMM#and i didn't realize just how much i missed them#until this morning my friend called me on my walk to school#and it was like we were walking to classes together again#and then my friends facetimed me bc they were getting korean food and missed me#and i CRIEEDDDDDD
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🖤
#i am going full goth that’s it i have to full send it#it’s 3 am and i’m still like BURSTING with energy even though my knees and ankles are screaming at me#i finally underdtand clubbing now lol#you bitches dancing to music and drinking#i get it now#anyways i went to emo nite and spent like 3 hours banging my head to screamo and suddenly life is worth living again#i didn’t even expect tov have any fun actually bc i was having SUCH a bad health day today#i had a migraine so bad like#the entire drive to the venue was an out of body experience#it was me on SO MUCH MEDICATION wearing sunglasses and moving slowly and carefully and quietly so as not to disturb my head#like i was in so much pain i was nauseated#how i managed to rally my energy i’ll never know . man .#one thing i kinda like about me is that i’ll rally#fuck what kind of day i&m having#if someone invites me out i’ll find a way to go and make it enjoyable too#alhamdulliah#ok time to get the baby in the showrr before the adrenaline wears off#and wash off all the glitter on my face 😢#i look so good when will i have a working phone again!!!!!!!!!!!!!#AAAAA
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what dah hell
#logbook#dn was kind of rude while gci is being very nice to me. . .actually terrified LOL#im going to sit in my car for another 5 min and then walk back inside. just decided to eat lunch out here.#i redid all the front tables and spruced up some of the display and found more signage to store andddd consolidated one table under canopy#debating if i go thru trees today or tmrw. so its shrubs today or tmrw.#ORRRR i mess with the display some more. add more mums change up how it looks etc.#md never got back with me on what 'boss of his boss' said. ik who that boss is tho ive never met him.#if he said sure get rid of it i'll do it tmrw. if not idk what im going to do. . .need to go thru smth. i'm going to explode.#i may get so bored i start asking every person who comes thru if they want plants LOL#in other news im wesring my drink water frogs shirt with my dead insidr but still screaming possum shirt.
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YESSS SILLY QUESTION SUNDAY. Last and before the beginning please 🥺
FINALLY i've dragged myself to my laptop (which means i moved it from my shiny new desk to my bed lmao) to do something productive even though it's after midnight. good evening. sorry for the delay :c and for what it's worth it's still too hot for a heating pad. send help.
last:
“So how do you feel now?”
“Hungover. Embarrassed. A little nauseous. The usual.” Yixing shrugged. “But better now that I've talked to you.”
the context for this is. um. lol. someone had a little breakdown and drank too much and made the World's Biggest Fool of Himself in front of a girl who happens to be named Sonam AFTER they already were not on speaking terms and he is making painful attempts to apologize for his stupid idiot behavior. Yixing sucks lol
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before the beginning:
The two of them stood there for a moment, taking it all in, before noticing the blood dripping from her palm. She'd smudged a chunky red hand print on the floor when she first sat upright, and a second, cleaner one on the front of her thigh when she gripped it in a failed effort to stand.
Nobody spoke. Her eyes, bloodshot from the sleeplessness and the sobbing, darted between Josef and Luka before finally settling on the door with its broken lock behind them. They're old, she thought, I can outrun them.
Vera is stupid lol this is when she's finally confronted about her suicidal tendencies and SIGNIFICANT drinking problem after she disappeared for almost a full year
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#oc talk#UM the post editor has changed or something because it took fucking forever to get this to work. or im stupid. or both.#anyway do you see i have a type with characters. drinking problems suicidal tendencies daddy issues socially inept#theyre just like me fr except i dont drink too much anymore#i cant even think what to say here without rambling eternally#yixing makes a fool of himself and spends like two full weeks in a vague drunk state trying to find sonam in a huge city to 'apologize'#and when he finally gets the chance he's like 'sorry i dont normally apologize to people this is my first time'#and she's like 'holy SHIT i should push you into oncoming traffic' but she doesnt because hes TWENTY AND STUPID#and havent we all been twenty and stupid and immature and too proud to beg lol#i am currently thirty and stupid and immature and oftentimes too proud to beg#anyway.#the thing with vera is that she lied about going to rehab and fucked off to the middle of nowhere to commit a slow suicide#but she's stupid to think she can hide from josef of all people but is even STUPIDER for thinking she can outrun him in any context ever#this is after two people closest to her died in very gruesome ways that were HER fault for being DRUNK on the job#she does get help though but she kicks and screams the whole fucking way there
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