#i want to believe but i'm bracing for devastation | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

trashlie · 16 days

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ILY FP 258

I can't believe we're actually passed episode 250 lmao I Love Yoo is truly the never ending story (affectionate). I appreciate how much of the story we really get to dig into at this pace and while I know a lot of people have long-since dropped it, I imagine the rest of us (those reading this post because why else are you here?) also appreciate it. And that's what is even more refreshing about this episode - if refreshing is even a word we can use to describe it. Getting the extra scenes from other characters, a look at their lives and from these glimpses, what we can glean in the unsaid between the lines.

Can you believe I used to prey on Kousuke's downfall? There's so many posts of me talking about him from a different view, believing that the only way he could grow and develop and make the changes necessary to make him a better person was for him to crash and burn, to fail so significantly that he would be forced to pen his eyes to reality. But here we are, me, fervently swaddling him up like a baby and shoving him into my pocket because GOD he needs to be protected.

I don't even remember when it was, that my view on him began to shift, when I went from "he's interesting but awful" to "GOD THIS IS MY SON AND I WILL FIGHT EVERYONE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME" but.... lol there's no going back!

That's enough rambling, let's jump in.

There is something so painfully devastating about every time ILY confirms to us something we have long-since known or suspected through nuance, foreshadowing, reading between the lines, etc: That Kousuke isn't Rand's biological son, that Shinae was at the formal for Gun Kim, that Kousuke has been manipulated his whole life. Nothing in this episode regarding Kousuke is actually new to us. We have known, and talked about, for months and months long before the confirmation reveal that Yui drugs Kousuke - that he has been manipulated by her his entire life, that she orchestrated his life to manipulate him into situations she could take advantage of. It's the way she spoke about Rand's affair around Kousuke, the way she commodified Rand's love so Kousuke became convinced he'd never earned his father's love, the way she spoke of their family vs others and convinced him from such a young age that everyone was out to get them, to destroy them, and that he couldn't let them get close, couldn't let them near - and how Nol was very much a target planted in his mind.

But it's the fact that he is speaking of this and acknowledging it! Until now, Kousuke has heavily lived in denial. Again, we know this. We talk a lot about the chasm between reality and the reality he believes in. We talk a lot about how Kousuke couldn't face reality, even though on some level he knew everything he believed and was told was not quite true not quite real, but that he was so afraid of the truth, he couldn't do it. Kousuke admitting that he's been driven by fear and envy explains everything about him, and why he could not accept the only unwavering unconditional love he was offered.

A few weeks ago I saw a video on instagram of this father talking about a conversation he had with his daughter, who was feeling a little uncomfortable with her friend group. A new girl started to play with her and her best friend and she said she wasn't exactly jealous, but that maybe it was that she was afraid that there wasn't enough love to go around. Her dad had to explain to her that love is not like a pizza - it's not finite, a limited amount that could be taken and hogged by someone else. But Kousuke never learned this. His father's love was commodified and he was made to fear this other kid who he mistakenly believed knew a version of his father he'd never been privy to. He never learned that love is finite, that Rand could have enough love for the both of them, and feared that Nol would hog it all - that he WAS hogging it all because whether or not it was good or bad, Nol received more attention that Kousuke did. And that speaks VOLUMES about how Kousuke sees Rand, what he thinks of their relationship. In his mind, he is still unworthy, that he's not noteworthy enough.

This part gets to me so badly. We, as omniscient readers, know that Rand has tried his best, but that Yui runs a spectacular interference with which he can't compete, largely because of the roles their family have placed them in - Rand the busy businessman, Yui the mommy homemaker. But no matter how hard he tries, it isn't good enough. Rand tries to reach Kousuke, but the manipulation and paranoia are so far gone that the times Rand does have the chance to convey his feelings, Kousuke can't even believe it, because he thinks he's not good enough to deserve that love, that he hasn't fully qualified for it yet. And despite that, Nol, who Kousuke feels hasn't done half of what he has to deserve Rand's love, gets the attention. It doesn't matter that it's negative attention, that Rand barks at Nol, that Nol feels Rand hates and regrets him, because ultimately, it's still more than Kousuke receives. And worse, to him, every time Rand is busy reprimanding Nol, he turns away from Kousuke to do it.

I want to make it clear that this is a deep trauma point of Kousuke's. He's never learned healthy love and the only person who gave him healthy love was someone he was set to fear and fight. Something I think about a lot is the flashback to Kousuke, in the bushes, watching Nessa and Nol's display of warm affection, before Yui appears literally looming before him. In that moment, he witnesses something he's been deprived of. "We're not like other families"'. He's told from a young age he shouldn't compare himself to those healthy families, to warm and affectionate relationships that he will not cultivate in this household. From such a young age it is normalized, that they aren't like others, that they are cold and distant. From a young age, he's made to stuff down his feelings, his tender wants and desires, in order to earn them. To be a good little boy who makes his parents proud. To make his father look his way.

There's also something about the way he says "I've been a good boy" that echoes Shinae learning she's been manipulated by Yui, devastated and angry and yelling about how she's been a good girl so why do these things keep happening to her, all she wanted to do was help her dad. Two people who, from a young age, felt they had to be so obedient, so good, to not be a burden, and despite following the rules, despite doing as they were told, despite trying to be whatever version of "good" they believed in, the world still beat them up and mistreated them. The world still punished them.

As Rin in our discord server pointed out, though, to some degree, Kousuke is very much a person who can - and does - act out, when he's emotionally high-strung. He's a volatile man, and it's largely to do with the fact that he's been drugged to placate him for so long. He never learned emotional regulation, he never learned how to deal with high-stress situations or to face conflict or to own up to things. This is something that some readers who hate Kousuke and expect him to act a certain way because of his age are missing. You don't just learn these things with age. You learn them with experience and Kousuke was deprived of the opportunity TO have those experiences. He never had to learn these behaviors, and now as an adult he cannot function when overwhelmed.

Idk this whole episode is just heartbreaking. It's devastating. I remember when I was someone praying on Kousuke's downfall and now I want to take it all back ;___; I always believed he had to crash and burn to be able to see the world for what it really was and to face his fears, but this is somehow so much worse.

And even though he's drunk, I don't think he's going to forget all of this in the morning. Rather, I think what he's voicing are things that have been plaguing him since waking up in the hospital. From that moment, we saw him wary and distrustful of his mother, we saw his concern for Nol rising above everything else, but grappling with the understanding that he doesn't deserve to stand in front of Nol anymore. These aren't epiphanies coming to him just because he's drunk; it's more like he's only voicing them because he's drunk. But even when he sobers up, he will probably still be haunted by these fears, these agonies, these truths, this understanding.

How does he face his mother after this? How does he face anyone? He may not even feel like he can trust Jayce - who while very kind to him, is still employed by his family. He may not even feel like he can trust Hansuke (though I really hope that's not the case).

He's so miserable and it genuinely hurts to have him lay it all out for us - everything we've known and suspected, like how it was so painfully clear he WANTED Nol's friendship, their brotherhood, but feared it, didn't believe that there was enough love to go around, that there could only be one of them and that even if it was for good or bad reasons, Nol cast him in the shadow. And all these years, watching as Nol, as Yeonggi, grew into this person who sounded so very much like this unknown version of their father, someone funny who makes others laugh, someone goofy, someone so boyish in the ways Kousuke was never allowed to be. Watching as he gathers friends, while Kousuke, so unlikeable, is wanted only for his money, for his status, for the clout.

He doesn't even know WHO HE IS! Questioning his own traits he's believed of himself, wondering if this is even him, if these parts of him are real or does he just act it, say it, pretend it, while trying to fulfill a role he was shoved into. That makes me feel SO deeply sad, because it's something I've been anticipating for so long: Kousuke wondering WHO he really is, how much of him is real and how much of it is the result of manipulation.

And that moment that he catches himself and says no no that's offensive and rude you can't be like that. ;AAA;

For him to admit how much he envies others, how much he craves the kind of connection others have, the kind of family others have, to feel that love and warmth that he's been deprived of, forced to endure this solitude because, as he believes, he didn't get the good parts of Rand. And what will happen when he learns that Rand isn't his father? That he never stood a chance to inherit any of those traits. Kousuke has operated on this belief that, if he tries hard enough, he can earn the things he craves, but I fear learning about his parenthood will make him think that no matter how hard he tried, he would never earn that, because none of it was ever him, could have gone to him.

I think this is where Shinae, in the future, will come in. I feel so very strongly that she will be someone who helps Kousuke to see that this isn't true, that these kinds of personality traits aren't something inherited, but rather something learned. For him to one day realize it's the paralyzing fear that holds him back, not his genetics. Of course, I acknowledge this will still take a lot of therapy but...

Something else very remarkable to me is the way Kousuke recognizes Shinae in Shinhye, because their eyes "feel the same" and he opens up to her - on some level, whether or not he is consciously aware of it, Kousuke knows, or maybe just wants to, that he can trust Shinae. That she is someone who is safe. He even knows how she feels about his mother. I don't think we'll see a lot of Kousuke and Shinae's friendship until we're passed our timeskips, but it makes me feel a little hopeful about it, that she'll be able to reach him, because she feels like someone who is safe. It's the way he sees Nol in her and wants to try to have that do over, a relationship with someone who has unconditional love for him. It's the way he knows he mistreated Nol, that it was wrong, that he took it all out on this kid he was so afraid of because he had no other outlet, and he wants to do better but knows that there's nothing to salvage anymore.

But also, it just makes me hope more and more that in the future we WILL see a reconciliation between the brothers. As I say every time, it doesn't mean they have to become brothers or friends, but I just want them to see each other fully. Kousuke knows what he did to Nol. He doesn't deny it, even if he might not say it out loud unless he's drunk. But Nol is still so in the dark. Yujing is trying to tip him off and make him aware of it, but I hope one day when Nol realizes it, when he finds out that Kousuke, too, was Yui's victim, that he wasn't the only one, that Kousuke was made to fear Nol's love, he might.... understand. I'm saying understand here loosely because I don't want people to get the idea that I mean Nol will forgive him and Kousuke will be justified, but rather that Nol would be able to understand why Kousuke felt that way, and move on. But I can't help but hope that it will lead to an understanding, a reconciliation, where maybe they can try to be in each other's lives.

I think it's also interesting that Shinhye was somewhat honest, even if she wasn't very forthcoming, with Kousuke about her own family. It sounds like her mother has been gone for a long time, that she's been on her own the whole while, and I think it reinforces the idea that she believes both that Simhan is her father and that he rejected her, that he didn't want anything to do with her. It lines up, too, with how she feels that he wouldn't react well if he saw her (although I think she credited that to looking like their mother). In the same way that Shinae has felt abandoned and cast aside by their mother, Shinhye probably thinks their father never tried reach out, to find them, to maintain a relationship with her. Or perhaps it's that her mother fed her lies about him, made her believe him a different type of man, made her believe there would never be anything of their relationship to salvage. And given that she's the one who Kousuke opened to, it makes me think that there must be some kind of parallel there; the way she mentioned her own mother feels like maybe her mother, too, was a manipulative - or at the very least, dishonest - person.

I don't speculate a lot on Shinhye because frankly I don't think I know enough about her to really try to talk about her, but I do think that it's very likely there's some kind of connection between Shinhye and the Hirahras or Gun. To be clear, I don't believe she's working with Yui at all. I think it's more like... Alyssa isn't the only girl who has been trafficked by Gun. What's the likelihood that Shinae and Shinhye's mother was? Given her history, the gambling addiction that was so egregious her reputation haunted Shinae and chased her to a new neighborhood and school, was she seeking money somewhere else, somewhere more dangerous? Is that part of why they had to change their name? There's so many questions left about them, and I look forward to learning more about her, but, much like with Alyssa, I think it will take time and be dropped in little tidbits like this - things to read into and try to glean something from.

And maybe we'll see more of this duo in the future? It would feel a little weird to give them this one single run in, but I'm not entirely sure. Quimchee likes to keep us on our toes. After all, Minhyuk and Shinhye have also had only the one run in. Still, I think it would be interesting to watch, if Shinhye ever felt.... I want to say maybe compelled? to dig in more to Kousuke, ever feel a kind of kinship. I don't think she'll open up to him at all, but rather, maybe she'd keep going back because a. he's wealthy and there's more she can nick from him (assuming he doesn't realize she stole anything while in his apartment, if he even remembers any of this) and b. wanting to gather more intel.

Like I said though, she's hard to read so I don't want to cling too hard to any ideas and, instead, sit back and enjoy the show.

#ILY Brainrot #ILY FP #ILY Spoilers #I Love Yoo #Kousuke Hirahara #Shinhye #idk what to tag her as because we know she isn't known as Shinhye anymore #and because Simhan and their mother never married AND she was from a previous relationship Yoo isn't even her family name #so I can't really use Shinhye Yoo lol #alas #anyway this episode was DEVASTATING and quimchee said it's the beginning of the sad episodes meant to happen in March #literally said 'It's all downhill from here'#which I take to mean til the timeskip #BUCKLE UP BABIES WE'RE GOING FOR A BIG CRY SESH ;______;#i gotta say tho this episode didn't even make me cry - i guess because none of this is new and I've been bracing myself for it #Kousuke is so fucking wet cat it agonizes me ;_____;#I could write a whole essay on how Yui destroyed him and Nol in one fell swoop #i think a lot about precocious little Kousuke who tried so hard to be a good little boy and rushed through school because he wanted so badl #to hurry up and catch up to his father and join him in the workplace #all the opportunities he lost #the way he tried to fit himself into a personality a person he never picked out but just believed would get him what he wanted #he lost himself in the process #or maybe he never even got to know himself #i think too a lot about Kousuke who played piano and gave it up when he came to believe it wasn't important to his dad #that it didn't garner the attention and praise he seeked #so he dropped it to better mold himself into someone he thought Rand WOULD be proud of #FUCKING DEVASTATED #I'M GOING TO JUMP OFF THE ROOF SOBS

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nipuni · 6 months

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OHHHHHHHHH MY GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'LL NEVER BE THE SAME AFTER THIS!!!!!! THIS ENDING?? THIS WHOLE EVERYTHING!!!!! WHERE DO I EVEN START I'M SO STUNNED!!!! WHAT!!!!!

"The end of time" was the most incredible ending I could have asked for!!! We finished watching it all at 3am last night and we spent all of today yelling about it, I can't believe just how good this was!!! I'm so glad we've never watched this show before while this was airing so that we get to watch it all fresh for the first time because we are having the time of our lives now

It was completely devastating and so so inspiring, just exactly how I was hoping for it to be, I already want to rewatch S1 to S4 all over again 😭 the sheer comfort I get from the character of the doctor is insane, I've never rooted for a character so hard and wholeheartedly in my life, he really is the most wonderful being in the universe I'm in tears I'm Wilfred rn what the fuck man I'll never recover from this!!! I feel like a ten year old kid with a new superhero GOD IT WAS ALL SO GOOD I CAN'T ARTICULATE I'd yell about each scene but I'm aware that pretty much everyone has watched this ages ago so you know and I still wouldn't want to spoil anyone that hasn't just in case because going into this unspoiled and knowing nothing about it has been the most satisfying experience ever and I hope more people get to have it too!!! please if you haven't watched this before go do that!! and if you have and it's been a while do it again!!! the acting?? INSANE!! the writing!! incredible!! I have only good things to say!!! I only wish we had 1000 more seasons with RTD and David Tennant I really love this man, I'm so sad to see him go!!! and so happy to get him back for the 60 special!!

When we got to the last episodes of season 4 I was expecting pain and instead I got an unexpected fix-it device that was rather strange but cute so I was somewhat relieved and confused, then the holidays specials were pretty standard and lighthearted AND THEN THE WATERS OF MARS? INSANE EPISODE, I loved it so much, that whole part at the end FANTASTIC they went there and I LOVE them for it!! another favourite episode for sure, and THEN THE END OF TIME?? by this point Nicolas and I were twisted into a single pretzel on the couch bracing ourselves, it went from extremely intense to SO FUNNY to heartbreaking and just...amazing!!! AAAAAA anyway!! I had to get all that out of my system, now onwards to S5!!! I'm curious to meet Matt Smith's doctor 😊

#doctor who #I'm so sorry in advance for the person I'm becoming I WILL be (more) insufferable about it #rotating the doctor in my mind at 9000 rpm while I work #I wonder what will change from S5 onwards!! will the writing be different!! will I like the new doctor!! I'm scared #personal #DW report

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pedge-page · 3 months

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Okay but pls feel free to ignore this I'm not creative but I love your writing

But I have an elderly sphynx (cat) and he's the love of my life, he gets cold so he wears jumpers and hats, and wants to be inside my clothes for warmth and is just an absolute baby, and sleep in my arms/in my hood honestly 24/7. He's like a small person he's so needy.

I can picture Joel getting home and pregnant reader has acquired one from someone, and the cat is her "practice" baby and she dresses him up and absolutely spoils him and carries him everywhere and Joel is just so baffled by what on earth is going on. BUT CANT QUESTION IT BECAUSE READER IS A MEANIE (as she should be) (mother knows best)

🩷🩷🩷

Sphinx cats are so cute oh my gosh!!! She would love him so much, subconsciously because she'd think it's like a little Joel when he would shave and be like "smooth—hairless—baby man" (which is subsequently the last he shaved fully).

Also can't believe youre gonna give such cute imagery but not even show us with a pic ugh devastating but ALAS. Here's how it would go:

- - - -

When Joel comes home, he usually expects one of two things: you're sleeping on the couch with some mixed fruit jelly smeared all over your mouth and between your tits, or you're throwing a plastic cup (because he pre-baby-proofed the house to avoid having any dangerous objects in YOUR grasp) at his head for opening the door the "wrong way" (how does one open a single sided hinged door the wrong way? He's still trying to figure it out).

So when he walks in the front door and hears excited little peeps from you from the bedroom, he's a little weary.

It's not till he's tossing his keys on the counter and hearing you say "you're such a handsome man" that Joel's heart stops.

There's no way. You wouldn't. Not now, not so fucking pregnant with his baby—

Oh fuck. Was it his baby? Or was it this "handsome man" in HIS house with HIS wife, canoodling in HIS bed!??

And how long? How long has this affair been going on under his roof? The entire time you'd be angry at Joel during your pregnancy, maybe you meant it? Maybe you were done with him, seeking something new and exciting?

When Joel finally rounds the corner, just one step away from the doorway, listening to your giddy gasps and rustling clothes, he doesn't know if he can bring himself to find out. Can only imagine a million things he's going to see, all of which are too painful to conceptualize.

He hears your excited giggles, closes his eyes, braces his heart, and walking in.

It takes him a second to register what he's looking at: there's no other man in here, but rather something tucked up in one of his old high school hoodies that you're wearing, backwards, with the hood hanging against your chest.

Then there's something moving in it, and he's almost scared you may have already had the baby and are suffocating it in the hood, though your belly is still very much full, so what—?

"Joel!" You shout, looking petrified as if you're caught in a scheme.

Before Joel can even speak up to ask what's going on, you're pulling what is possibly (from Joel's perspective, mind you) the ugliest pink squirmy ballsack out of his hoodie, complete with a skiny pale rat tail, big marble eyes and pointed ears.

"Meet Ramses!"

He drops his backpack at the door and stares. "What. Is that."

"I literally JUST said his name is Ramses." you scold, kissing the—thing— on the wrinkly folds of its forehead.

It starts purring affectionately, and it clicks.

"That's a CAT?" Joel shouts.

You can feel the poor thing curls up against you with tension at his booming voice.

Joel, please, lower your voice—"

"Where's its fur? No wait, why is it here? How did you get a cat? Who's cat is it? WHY do you have it??"

"Well Deanna next door had a family emergency in Connecticut and they had to fly out this morning, so I agreed we'd watch Ramses until they got back."

"Why is it naked? What did you DO to it?" Fucking hell, Deanna and George are going to have a field day to find you'd shaved their pet literally within 24 hours—

"That's the way it is. Never seen a sphinx cat before?"

Hes not really listening at this point. Joels heart rate had finally caught up with him as he kind of breathes a sigh of relief.

A cat. He thought you were having an affair with a cat.

"Isn't he sooooo cute!!!" You squeal with little jumpy feet.

But it's not cute. Not with the way it's looking at Joel, with its slitted murderous eyes and pointed claws clinging to you while it hisses at him.

"Why is it in my hoodie?"

"He's cold, damnit Joel even YOU noticed he's naked. Poor handsome baby needs all kinds of love, and sweaters, and warmth and—"

The little sucker is just eating it up, as you babble on about getting it jumpers, and baby socks, and cutting all of Joels sweaters up so it can rest on top of your belly, and a spot for it in the bed—

"The BED? NO. No ballsacks in the bed."

"He's SO much cuter than your HAIRY ballsack, Joel, which as far as tonight, can agree to those terms and sleep on the couch." You scoff him and hold Ramses to your chest, scratching his ears and kissing him as you shove past your husband.

Joel doesn't know what to do. Its one thing to agree to feed a cat every so often for a friend while they're out. It's something else entirely to be doing... what you've been doing.

There's a new amazon box in every hour with custom knitted cat sweaters and hats and ear muffs that you've gone off the reservation with just "needing" to keep warm, now full blown getting an outfit for every occasion. He hears you talking to it like a person, using a baby voice to tell him how handsome he looks, "like a wittle baby pharoh". Joel is tripping over all the cans of luxirous cat food youve been "testing" to find his desired taste. The man can't even get cuddles with you anymore because you're so god damn obsessed with swaddling Ramses in your clothes and softest blankets.

And it KNOWS. The damn cat KNOWS you've completely ignored your ever doting and pampering husband for it—while it does NOTHING but absorb your affection. You've craddled it against your every exposed piece of skin from sleeping across your neck to letting it rest atop your bump. Each time Joel tried to hug you, there's a quick hiss at him and low and behold there's the sleeping Ramses all nestled in HIS GODDAMN HOODIES (granted, that he gave you BUT STILL) wedged between your tummy and tits like a sauna, all curled up as youre talking to it like its a—

Oh my god.

"Are you... practicing—for the baby??"

You stop mid bounce of the kitty in your lap, wearing a matching knitted sweater to yours. "What! No! Thats—" but your eyes faulter to the cat who's just been helplessly going along with your toying. "No! Ramses is just a sweet little kitty who has NEEDS. Poor baby boy is so cold, he needs warmth of a —"

"Mother?"

"MAYBE."

Joel goes to sit down but the cat is giving him a less than inviting glare, so he slinks back to the other end of the couch. "Honey. I think you're taking the cat-sitting too far."

"NO Im not!" You cry. You clutch the poor baby close to you defensively. Why are you crying? I mean, you KNOW why--you're worried Joel is going to take your baby away from you—

Ooooooooooooooooooh. Oh fuck.

You stare at the little lump of skin curled up in your lap, with his collar that says "mommy's goodest boy" and realize how much Joel is definitely right...

Not that you'd EVER tell him that.

"No. You're wrong. I'm just being a fantastic neighbor. And you're being a shitty husband and not supporting me."

"That's a little too far—"

"And—" you interject. "Even if it WAS my baby practice. Which it isn't. You aren't being a very supportive father here either."

He sighs in defeat.

Can't argue there.

so when Deanna and George call to let you know they're going to be another week up North, you let them know Ramses is in good hands.

All true. Now that Joel had gained Ramses trust and had maneuvered the little guy in the new baby sling that you two could not figure out for months, you felt pretty confident in Joel's papa skills blossoming.

- - - -

Joel dealing with Preggo Wife masterlist

#joel miller fan fiction #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller fanfiction #last of us fanfiction #joel miller #joel miller fic #joel the last of us #joel tlou #the last of us fanfiction #the last of us fic #tlou fanfiction #tlou fic #joel miller fluff #joel dealing with preggo wife

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xxgoblin-dumplingxx · 1 year

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If you’d feel up to it, perhaps a little something about doting Bruce now being EXTRA protective of reader after her latest run in with criminals?

"Y/N-"

You flinched and Bruce froze.

He knew what he'd been doing. Trying to make you back down. Trying to protect you.

But you flinched.

The same way you flinched when one of your parents said your name. When you were anticipating a fight. It was involuntary. You couldn't stop it. You might not even know you did it. But his heart cracked all the same.

You hadn't said a word but you may as well have slapped him.

"Sweetheart." He reached for you and you pulled away, wincing when your ribs protested the motion. "Come to bed?" he coaxed. He didn't know where you'd been sleeping. Not in the bedroom- probably the couch in your office. And it bothered him.

"I'm not tired. I've got a meeting tomorrow."

"With who?" he asked, not reaching for you again.

"I can't-"

"Is it for your case?"

"One of them. Dent wants to avoid a trial."

Bruce nodded slowly. It was a lie- almost. Dent wouldn't want Falcone on trial. Juries could be bought. And you tended to represent people who wouldn't do well at trial for a variety of reasons. You'd managed to get him to cut a lot of deals on that alone. "Sounds like a long day," he said.

"Could be worse."

You hadn't looked at him but your hands had stilled on the keys. The rapid typing had stopped and he knew you weren't working. You were waiting. Bracing for him to cut at you. To find and use some vulnerability. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the caring to turn to vitriol.

"Sweetheart," he tried again. "Did you eat?"

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to-" Another flinch. Smaller but still evident.

"I know you think I'm an idiot," you tell him quietly. "And I know this is just for your image. What I don't understand is why you'd care if they kill me over it."

It felt like there was ice in his stomach. You could have just told him you were having an affair and he probably wouldn't feel that devastated.

When he doesn't answer, you continue in the same quiet voice, "If you want a divorce I understand. You need someone who can- I mean. Once the new wears off a divorce would make for pretty good cover and then you wouldn't have to-"

Bruce felt sick. You weren't going to back down. You were going to let him go. "Is that really what you think?" he asked.

"I mean I'm not- I'm just- It's not like I'm doing you any good-"

"i don't want anyone else," he said, careful not to raise his voice.

"Yet."

"Y/N- I didn't. You're not here because it's good for my image-"

"You don't have to lie it's okay. I get it. I'm just some random girl- I'm not anything i just-"

"Sweetheart," he said, swallowing hard. What's worse is that you aren't upset. You've been sitting with this for a while. Made whatever fragile peace- took the information you had and drew a conclusion. Occam's Razor- and came up with him not wanting you anymore. Or ever. That all the promises he'd made were just- fluff. Like a half built treehouse or pain that had gone bad waiting for your room to be painted. A camping trip that was never coming.

He crossed the floor slowly, kneeling next to your chair so he wasn't towering over you. "I just wanted you to stop," he said. "i wanted you to back down- They could take you and I can't-"

You don't look at him and he feels his chest ache. He can't tell where your head is. If you really hear him.

"I'm so tired," you sigh, staring blankly at your keyboard.

"Come to bed," he pleaded, reaching up carefully to wipe an errant tear off your cheek with his thumb. "Please."

And when you nod, still hesitating, he picks you up carefully, angry at himself when you don't relax against his chest. "I love you," he said softly.

"I love you too." And even without seeing your face, he knew that you did. But you didn't believe him.

#Bruce Wayne #Bruce Wayne x reader #doting husband!bruce #ask answered #minors dni #reader insert

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cherish--these--times · 11 months

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Hehehe I'm gonna clown REAAAALLY hard here. I KNOOOOW it's nuts but listen. I'm gonna be contradicted in a week so I might as well treat myself, here.

What if............ the truth bomb was that Ted is in love with Rebecca?

HEAR ME OUT. Don't leave yet LOL

In the past two instances, the truth bombs were confessions! Spilling the beans about a secret that had been kept under wrap for a long while. @claudineint made me think... Ted leaving would not be a truth bomb so much as an announcement...

In Sleepless in Seattle, Annie fell in love with Sam long before Sam reciprocated. She even hired a private investigator to spy on him (which Ted also did for his ex, but this all comes down to his fear of Jake replacing him in Henry's life).

What if Ted had been pining for her for a while and never said anything because he didn't want to get too close for fear of rejection, of being left behind? Which is canonically HIS THING. He won't let her into his heart (Remember to let her into your heart), because he's afraid! What if he had been fighting it all this time? What if it was the reason they started drifting apart? And we just never knew? Because Rebecca never knew??

He went straight to her in the corridor in 3x04, prioritising her over his own team at half-time while they were losing as soon as he spotted her (he probably quickly regretted doing that LOL). He texted her in Amsterdam 15 times to spend time with her that night!! Looked at her when she walked on the bus with hearts in his eyes and again when she started singing. Once more when she claimed that she wanted to win for them this time. What if he fell for her a while ago but never faced the truth?

THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THIS FUCKING THING

Or the fact that when Rebecca mentioned two lovers, Ted's immediate response was to offer an outlandish, impossible theory as to who these men might be. John Stamos and Samuel L. Jackson. Better that than the alternative. In fact, the moment Rebecca started dating, her relationship with Ted shifted to something far more boss/employee.

These are some of the lyrics preceding his arrival in his office in the last episode that stood out to me:

Our hearts are breaking underneath all the applause This devastation is of our own making

And everybody falls (in love?) But some of us are born to fight, and fight, and fight some more

Same time, same place, next year And you may win this battle but you’ll never win the war

This could be interpreted as Ted trying very hard not to fall for her but failed. And it made him miserable. And when Rebecca comes to see him and very sweetly reminds him of their tradition but found nothing to say but wanted to come and visit him anyway, perhaps Ted realised he just had to say it, without any expectation. Because sometimes you win and sometimes you lose, often you just TIE (Red String of Fate anyone?) but you MUST keep playing. You must try and live. You must stop letting yesterday get in the way of today. His facial expression is very off before it cut to black. He knows very well Rebecca would be sad to see him leave. He doesn't look like he's bracing himself to deliver bad news but rather resigned to the fact that what follows might very well piss her off LOL

These are some of the lyrics of the song that follows:

If you're listening God Please don't make it hard to know If we should believe in the things that we see (Is this true? Do I truly love her?) Tell us, should we run away Should we try and stay Or would it be better just to let things be?

Living here, in this brand new world Might be a fantasy But it taught me to love So it's real, real to me

Rebecca does not see him as a potential partner. That could be what the entire psychic storyline is about. This would also explain why Dutch Guy happens to be Dutch Ted. She hasn't realised yet that what she finds sexy and endearing is RIGHT THERE. Until the reality of a potential future with a man she never considered suddenly punches her in the face, truth bomb style... a reality that is about to disappear…

What if Ted dropped that on her, we didn't see it, and next episode we cut straight to Rebecca knocking on Keeley's door, LOSING HER GODDAM MIND because Ted told her he was in love with her but also had to leave to be with Henry.... And she spends most of the episode just LOSING IT because she's not sure she loves him too but then it all clicks into place with thunder and lightning? HA.

EDIT: Let me direct you to Ted's speech in 3x05:

"Belief doesn't just happen 'cause you hang something up on a wall. All right? It comes from in here. You know? And up here. Down here. Only problem is, we all got so much junk floating through us, a lot of time we end up getting in our own way. You know, crap like envy or fear, shame. I don't wanna mess around with that shit anymore. Well, you know what I wanna mess around with? The belief that I matter, you know? Regardless of what I do or don't achieve. Or the belief that we all deserve to be loved, whether we've been hurt or maybe we've hurt somebody else. Or what about the belief of hope? Yeah? That's what I wanna mess with. Believing that things can get better. That I can get better. That we will get better."

This will keep me going until next episode. My gift to you.

#tedbecca #ted x rebecca #ted lasso speculation #ted lasso spoilers

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septembersghost · 5 months

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my queue was supposed to run out tonight (11/19) - i'm nothing if not someone who clings to dates and anniversaries, and exactly a month ago, i realized i had enough posts stowed in it to last until today. of all the days. kismet. you know when it's time to go. but i ended up adding some posts from my (still copious) drafts, and no matter how i finagled it, it was impossible to make them all fit by the time today ended. so it gets a little bit of extra time. maybe, in honor of this blog's existence, that's fitting.

you all know this, i've said it, typically in gratitude, many times already. this blog was never meant to last. i came back in november 2020 expecting a couple of months, maybe to be here until the new year. i told very few people, anticipating the goodbye, not wanting to cause anyone undue anguish when i had to vanish again. something i didn't expect was the sheer (admittedly devasting) emotion that would tie itself to those two weeks when i started interacting again, nor that it would have any outreach or impact, but somehow it did. then time kept spinning on, extending itself, gossamer threads unfurling each day. my following kept growing, far beyond what i could have anticipated, greater than i'd ever established on any of my previous blogs. moving around is unfortunately a pattern at this point, every time for reasons that felt quietly catastrophic. not being able to pay bills for a while. angel's death and the ensuing difficult circumstances. so here, i kept anxiously imagining why i'd eventually have to leave, how to plan for it. poverty issues. the homelessness we were facing through the entirety of a couple of years until last august (and my dad having to be the saving grace). worsening health issues. i never knew, i couldn't predict it, i just worried about it. often tried to brace for it. maybe i got too comfortable this year, because this was when i started to think it wouldn't happen, that i really could stay. little did i know. and the reasons...are not reasons i ever fathomed, why would i have? how could i have? i wish it weren't so. (i wish a lot of things.)

i thought sometimes about the words i would leave you with, none of which are suitable now. i almost wrote nothing, yet found that feeling wrong, couldn't leave without something about parting.

thus it turns out i'm leaving before it's strictly necessary, before it's the fear of personal catastrophe coming to fruition, not knowing what i'll do or where i'll metaphorically go, as that is the downside of chronic illness and isolation narrowing this to my sole outlet. (lyrics keep running through my mind, there are always lyrics stuck in my head. no matter where i go, there'll be memories that tug at my sleeve, but there will also be more to question, yet more to believe...teach me to be more adaptive...help me say goodbye). my body is in such a fragile state right now (my mind not far behind) that maybe what i need to do is rest. just rest for a while.

this blog was never meant to grow the way it did, to take asks and have conversations like i did, that was a somewhat new (sometimes scary! often fun) experience for me. it's one that will never be replicated. to my loyal and lovely anons, i'm so sorry that i had to cut you off unexpectedly and couldn't reinstate communication - i know that you weren't able to reach out to me as soon as i did that, and that certainly wasn't your fault, it was a response to the tenor of this website. i apologize for the hundreds of messages i never had the chance to answer. i'm appreciative of the things you shared with me and all the times we got to talk.

i sincerely hope some of you learn to be kinder and wiser and less reactionary and more willing to learn and to listen rather than to attack those who have never wronged you and who do not deserve that. i'm being too nice, but i hope you learn that misusing your supposed social justice to do harm and foment hatred and stew in ignorant cruelty makes any principles you purport to have utterly void. my hope for that is low at the moment, but it's still got to be there. waiting to be found.

to those of you who have never been anything but kind, you are true treasures, the lights in the darkness, the loving and compassionate embodiment of human spirit. some of you have (quite literally) helped keep my mom and me alive, and i can never repay that or do enough in this life to quantify it. some of you have been here for me every single day, to listen and laugh and cry and understand. i don't think i would've bothered to fight through these past three years had i not had your presences in my life. i wouldn't have had as much of a reason. there are times when i still haven't felt like i had a reason, i struggle through so many varied griefs, but then i continued to wake up, and would come on here and find something joyful or beautiful or affirming that someone had sent or posted, and it gave me an anchor. there are passions and interests i shared or discovered here that were so uplifting and enlightening, and i will carry them in my heart always. being here to find those was such a blessing. being here with you to indulge in them was such a blessing. thank you. i pray your continued paths have more of that ahead. look at all the things you've done for me. there are certain things that once you have no time can wear away.

you know that line from the wizard of oz?: hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable. maybe that isn't true, maybe our hearts being broken is proof of something. there are people who hurt me on such a profound level who i know weren't affected by it at all, but i refuse to define my sensitivity as a negative. my softness (too soft for all of it, indeed) does not quite provide me with a weapon, but it doesn't crumple. hearts can be broken repeatedly and still beat, which i've thought about a lot lately. shattered souls just make a new mosaic. it's a different picture than it was before, but the color and light persists. and in the remains of that, a handful of people have shown me depths of caring and resilience that i wouldn't have gotten to hold onto otherwise, which is an extraordinary thing. the precious rarities have to mean something more, don't they? i would think so. i believe it. or i'm trying. i keep trying with all my might.

maybe i stayed too long at the fair. maybe this is a consequence of overplaying my hand, gambling a little too much with time to where it had to teach me something. maybe i needed the reminder that sometimes we have to fight to retain our spirits, and other times we have to retreat. maybe i needed a reminder that all that extra time was a miracle. i don't take it for granted.

whether we've spoken directly, be that consistently or in scattered flurries, whether we've interacted in very personal ways or simply in liked hearts on the dash, i hope there was goodness and light in it. i hope there's a memory i leave here that's sweet. (as long as i'm borrowing phrases, i hope you'll think of me fondly sometimes.) i hope there was something warm and enriching here. i hope you know what you've been and meant to me. i said so many times that this blog was my cozy haunted house - the ghosts will linger here forever, and i know they'll never mind if you want to step in and visit.

with all my heart, i love so many of you so dearly. i am so lucky to have your friendships. please move gently through life. please hold onto the things that illuminate it for you, and provide that where you can. please do your best to repair even the smallest of tears in the world. you are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.

there must be lights burning brighter somewhere.

something yet remains. i remain. and i do my best to be brave.

#bubble wrap around my heart #jess.mess #namarie #gam zu l'tovah #edit: december 2. this was as it turns out too nice #because today this website decided to desecrate something central and sacred #i wish i could verbalize to you despicable people the profound soul deep hurt you're causing #and the constant fear and trauma you're instilling by making every space so blatantly hateful and hostile and unsafe #but you don't get to take a PRAYER away from its people. you don't get that power ever. that light will NEVER be diminished #i have no respect for any of you doing this. you're evil #i have infinite respect for myself now though. i know who i am. and i'm done #you don't deserve me and you never deserved my friendship or my trust or my heart #proverbs 4:23 #goodbye.

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kates-sweet-escape · 2 years

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KinnPorsche - It's all a ruse (a theory)

Warning: This post contains spoilers for KinnPorsche the Series. Read at your own risk. I haven't read the novel, only bits and pieces that I've found online so this is purely based on the TV Series. Also, this post is based on the work of other amazing Tumblr creators that will all be credited within this post. Brace yourself - this is a long one.

Disclaimer: I am by no means an expert, I am just a german romance-novel writer. Also, I come from a eurocentric perspective as I was raised in Germany by a British mother and a German father.

Additional KinnPorsche Content by me:

KinnPorsche: The question of true privilege (Meta - Episode 6)

KinnPorsche: Kinns Breakdown - I can't believe you still want me (Meta - Episode 7)

Hello everyone.

I swear to god, the things this show and this fandom make me do. I usually don't share theories. Or meta. Or anything. I left the active part of fandoms a long time ago, but here I am, typing away with a facemask on and a half-empty glass of wine right next to me, cause damn I need a little self-care after watching the emotional rollercoaster that was Episode 9.

Ever since Episode 9 aired I've read a lot of opinions about Kinn, his character, and his choice not to trust Porsche. Reactions within the fandom vary from genuine understanding to absolute outrage, a fascinating mixture of empathy and cancel culture.

And ever since that devastating moment at the end of the episode I've been thinking. A lot. Maybe more than what is healthy considering the fact that this is just a TV-Show that somehow managed to take over my life.

Things didn't quite add up to me. I was caught in this weird emotional limbo of I do understand Kinn as a fellow individual with massive trust issues caused by ex-lovers that betrayed us and After what they've shown us last week and with the emotional progress those two characters have made, Kinns reaction does not make that much sense from a writers perspective.

So I went back to watch those last few minutes over and over again (and before you ask me - no, I am not okay! Porsches pleading and soft "Ai Kinn" will haunt me tonight), took screenshots, read the previous meta while trying to fit the puzzle pieces together. And then the brilliant @moerusaii posts this amazing piece of meta that convinced me to share my thoughts with you guys.

Because I have the theory that this might be an elaborate ruse by Kinn and Porsche to trick Tawan and Vegas.

And here is why:

Kinn, Tawan and that one mirror frame

This is that one frame that kickstarted it all for me in Episode 9. @luckydragon10 whom I'm very much a fan of, has talked about what mirrors signify in this post, and ever since then I've been paying a lot more attention to the usage of mirrors in KinnPorsche.

We see Tawan and Kinn alone in Tawans old apartment to retrieve the evidence of who is behind the Italians (which is probably useless anyway - and YES all the shade for this b*tch). While Tawan is "remembering" the real location of the USB stick, this shot happens. We see the real Tawan, but we only see the reflection of Kinn, probably signifying that Kinn has a hidden agenda, keeping the truth hidden from Tawan while showing a side of himself that is not real and only a mere reflection of himself.

It's only a short frame but something about it feels so deliberate that I couldn't possibly ignore it.

Maybe it also means that Tawan is only seeing an old version of Kinn, feeding into the issues he had rather than seeing the real Kinn that has maybe gotten rid of them with a partner by his side he can truly trust, all without his vicious ex-lover noticing who is focused on the reflection he is familiar with.

Kinn breaking the fourth wall

Okay, I've already mentioned @moerusai and her amazing post but I still want to add a little bit to that. (And thank you Mo for sending me a DM so I could use your gifs that looks a million times better than my screenshot!)

When I watched Episode 9 for the first time, this shot made me so uncomfortable. Kinn looks straight at the audience, no filter, no mirror, no nothing. And for the first time, I felt like I am looking at the soul of this man, bruised and bare and begging to be understood and to be trusted. It felt like he looked at me to tell me that things are going to be okay, as long as we keep our eyes on him and see past what is shown, willing to stare into the shadows until we can see everything that's hidden in the darkness.

The lighting when Vegas and Porsche are alone is not green.

We all remember this scene from Episode 7. The scene where Porsche and Vegas stumble into the bathroom. The light in this scene is green, signifying danger as the amazing @antique-forvalaka has pointed out in her "KinnPorsche and the Use of Color" Series that I will mention again later on. It has been pointed out by @yellingaboutkp in this post that Porsche faked being drunk because he already suspected Vegas being shady and wanted him to show his true colors (no pun intended). If we assume this to be true, then Vegas should remain a threat to Porsche, his light remaining green.

Now look at this:

The color in this scene is teal and not green. We've seen this color before, in episode 5, and as @antique-forvalaka pointed out in this post this specific mixture of blue and green is used when there is a danger that Porsche is able to handle. When he is not as helpless as he appears to be. When he is forming a plan.

But Kate, what does Vegas have to do with any of this? He isn't Tawan! Yes, my lovelies, you are correct. He isn't Tawan. But ever since he doubled down on the Kinn Shot His Ex Rumor, I am convinced that he's got something to do with it. Especially considering his disgustingly perfect timing and his offer to Porsche to run away together. In addition to that, we know that he will storm the compound from the trailer. So he is most definitely one of the main villains of the show and just like a snake with its beautiful and shiny green scales, he is able to slither into anything just so he can poison it in one swift bite.

We are still waiting for that handshake (Trailer)

Yes, the trailer. I am even going back that far. I am sure that this scene takes place at Yok's bar (she's a true MVP) and I think it might even be a flashback where Kinn and Porsche talked about their plan, far away from prying eyes and ears. And what could be more romantic than a date night like that? A couple that schemes together stays together!

But all jokes aside, this scene might also take place later on when the two of them have drifted apart, signified by the fact that Porsche is wearing Jeans, something he stopped doing ever since getting emotionally closer to Kinn and adapting part of his style. So I might be completely wrong about this and it's not them scheming but instead reconciling.

When it all goes up in flames - Porsche remains (KinnPorsche: The Hidden messages)

And since we are already on a trip down memory lane, I am taking you guys back to "KinnPorsche. The Hidden Messages" when it was announced that we would still be getting KinnPorsche the Series after months of thinking that it might get canceled.

We see Kinn standing in front of a banner with the word TRUST on it. It goes up in flames, revealing Porsche waiting behind it.

This could mean a great many things, especially now that they've decided to give him a phoenix tattoo that he also adapted into his name as an underground boxer. It could mean that he is rising from the ashes after Kinn burned the trust they've shared. Or it could mean that he is rising from the ashes of the trust that Tawan had broken when he sold Kinns information to the Italians. That Porsche is the one rebuilding Kinns trust from the dustry crumbs that Tawan left behind, willing to survive in the heat of the flames that lick at his skin, threatening to burn him too.

Either way, I think we can all agree that Porsche is the only one that Kinn can and should trust, and I sure as hell hope that my theory is correct and that Kinn knows that too.

#kinnporsche the series #kinnporsche #kinnporsche theory #kinnporsche la forte #kinnporsche brain rot #kinn theerapanyakul #porsche kittisawasd #mile phakphum #apo nattawin #wow this was a long one #i hope i am right about this #but i fear that i will have to put on clown make-up next week

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gratisdiamanten · 1 year

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devastated thinking about the destruction of mirjam's relationship with her parents (daniel as her favourite parent and max as the loving but more neurotic one... wahhh) so in light of that:

requesting any scene involving her and daniel after she finds out (can not remember if he dies before or after she finds out... if its the first then a scene involving max and her post-revelation, please)

Typical cws for this au, namely mention of csa but nothing explicit!

Her stomach squeezes, rolls, tumbles down a hill. See Mirjam, standing near the doorway, hand braced on the frame of it, doubled half-over like she's on the cliff-edge of sickness. To her, this is dying, it's the end of the fucking world—her dad, she loves her dad, the sunshine of her childhood. His big stupid laugh, his sweetness.

How can she think—what is she supposed to say, outside his open door where he works with his music playing we just keep on dreaming, meet meet meet me at the turnstile and she wants to cry like a kid. She feels stupid like a kid, the things dad and papa told her, meeting on the morning ride to uni.

She stands in the doorway and stares at him like a child's that just broken something, waits for him to notice, for him to beam his big smile at her, crinkling his eyes.

"Miri?" He smiles, like always, turning off his music. She feels the hunger-pang of grief, which is a pinch in her chest. When she had figured it out she didn't believe. And then she believed, and then she was angry, because it wasn't fucking fair that it was her family. That shit's supposed to happen to people she doesn't know and she knows it's selfish as shit but jesus christ she can't take this.

"Dad," she says. "Is it true," she tries.

"Is what true," he says, blinking at her. Big brown eyes, like hers. Papa joked to her all the time growing up that Dad must have snuck around because there was no way she wasn't his. You are just my little Daniel, he'd beam. His little double.

"You," she says, "and papa."

His face drops, caught aback, like he knows. His eyes are wide wide wide with terror. She wants to die.

"Miri, I have to tell you—"

Her voice climbs, hysterically. "It's true? Dad? He was twelve?"

"Mirjam, I love him, sweetie, I promise. I love your dad more than anything in the world, I want forever—"

She holds her hand over her mouth and lets out the ugliest, most embarrassing fucking sob. Sometimes, she wishes she was a teenage boy instead of a girl, because then it would be developmentally acceptable to puncture the wall with her fist, splinter her knuckles on the wood stud underneath.

"I hate you," she says like a decision. Shocking herself. Dad's face gone gray. A cloud stacking on itself, growing thick with rain.

"What," he says quietly. His look of dying, his look of letting go.

"Why did you do that," she cries, brain pinching in the front, like it's made of something soft like raw fish. "He was so little, in the pictures. He sat on your fucking knee."

"I know you don't understand, and please trust that I don't even want you to—I know, I know you're mad. Honey—"

"Don't fucking call me that," she spits, and he reacts like it's a smack in his face. "He was so little. God, why couldn't you have just gone away like a normal person? Why couldn't you have just been good?"

"No one's good the way you think they are, I—I loved him too much, I know that. But I've taken care of him forever," he says, voice ice-cracking. He looks pathetic like this, to her. Scrunched up and just old, just another ordinary, weak man. "I've loved him since before I knew him, and I know you wouldn't know how that feels. I'm sorry."

"I wouldn't ever feel like you ev—a twelve year old is a baby to me, and I'm not even twenty, you freak." She feels out of breath. Her eyes burn like crazy, not even like crying, like there's fucking—shampoo in them—

"I'm sorry I disappointed you," he says heartbrokenly. She can't take him seriously, can't see his face. Sorry, sorry for what? What is he apologizing for? It doesn't make sense, because Papa's the one who needs apologies if anything, for having been hurt, not her. She doesn't want an apology because Dad hadn't told her that any of this happened, and she hadn't fucking wanted to know in the first place.

"Don't talk to me like that," she says, and turns to face the wall, and thinks that she will never look at him again.

#she does look at him again btw but I think they never have a moment at ease again #i could hear my father sing #my fic #asks #intobluewater #prompts

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whimsicaldragonette · 1 year

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ARC Review: We Could Be So Good by Cat Sebastian

Preorder

Add to Goodreads

Publication Date: June 6, 2023

Synopsis:

[I have opted to remove the comps listed on Goodreads because they are nonsense.]

Nick Russo has worked his way from a rough Brooklyn neighborhood to a reporting job at one of the city's biggest newspapers. But the late 1950s are a hostile time for gay men, and Nick knows that he can't let anyone into his life. He just never counted on meeting someone as impossible to say no to as Andy. Andy Fleming's newspaper-tycoon father wants him to take over the family business. Andy, though, has no intention of running the paper. He's barely able to run his life--he's never paid a bill on time, routinely gets lost on the way to work, and would rather gouge out his own eyes than deal with office politics. Andy agrees to work for a year in the newsroom, knowing he'll make an ass of himself and hate every second of it. Except, Nick Russo keeps rescuing Andy: showing him the ropes, tracking down his keys, freeing his tie when it gets stuck in the ancient filing cabinets. Their unlikely friendship soon sharpens into feelings they can't deny. But what feels possible in secret--this fragile, tender thing between them--seems doomed in the light of day. Now Nick and Andy have to decide if, for the first time, they're willing to fight.

My Rating: ★★★★★

A few months ago he told himself that his choices—that any queer person’s choices—were either to hide or brazen it out, and that’s still true. But there’s another possibility: pushing back against the injustices that force people to make impossible choices.

*My Review and Favorite Quotes below the cut.

My Review:

I read this book in one sitting - while I was supposed to be reading an entirely different book. I picked it up meaning to read a chapter or two while I ate lunch -- because it's easier to read on a kindle than a paperback while eating -- and the next thing I knew I was turning the last page. I can't remember the last time I did that. I knew I would love it from the beginning; that was a given - it's a Cat Sebastian book. But I wasn't prepared for how much I would love it, or for how many feelings it gave me. This book is devastating in its quiet queer joy and relentless hope while living in the face of prejudice and hate. It's about a queer couple in the newspaper publishing world of New York City of the 1950s. It's about the slow realization of feelings, and the inevitable and infinitesimal merging of lives, and the way you can breathe easier when you have a community of people like you who understand you and know you. It's about the comfort and happiness to be found in the little things in life. And it's so soft and domestic, even with the uncertainty and the lies and the hiding. Which takes skill. I teared up several times, enough that it made it difficult to keep reading. I *felt* the truth in this story viscerally. Times may have changed (somewhat) but I could still understand the hesitance and the fear and defiant joy that make up a queer existence. In some ways it was starkly different than Cat Sebastian's other books, and yet in other ways it felt familiar. She straddled the line between quiet joy and simmering rage at the realities of queer life. It was intense and healing and beautiful. I didn't want it to end. I was bracing myself for tragedy as the book progressed, and I'm so glad that isn't the sort of story Cat Sebastian is telling here. That instead she is telling a story of people who just want to live their lives, and who find the courage in themselves to do so despite the fear and threats. Like Nick, I was dreading reading about another queer tragedy. The characters were beautifully drawn and felt so real. I came to care about them so much and feel like they were my friends. It was masterfully done. The setting also felt incredibly, painfully real. It was 100% believable. *Thanks to NetGalley and Avon for providing an early copy for review.

Favorite Quotes:

Nick has spent years making sure that when people look at him, they don’t see anything that sticks out like a sore thumb—they don’t see anything at all, they hardly even see a person, just a man in a suit.

---

Andy gives him this flat, disappointed look that Nick recognizes because Nick invented it and now he’s going to have to sue Andy for copyright infringement.

---

“Back in his day they didn’t have Band-Aids,” Nick continues. “They just slapped mud on their wounds and went back to drawing the news on the walls of their caves.” “I can still hear you,” Jorgensen says. “It’s nice when the elderly keep their hearing,” Andy observes.

---

“It’s the creme de menthe,” Nick says, eying the green liquid distastefully. “It’s like drinking toothpaste, if toothpaste got ideas above its station.”

---

“A heart doctor, though,” he says in a tone that suggests that getting jilted in favor of cardiologists is all anyone can expect. That maybe Andy should have considered medical school if he didn’t want to get jilted. That Emily did what she had to do, because who could turn down a heart doctor?

---

“I was going to make minestrone soup,” Nick says. “You like soup.” “I do like soup,” Andy agrees. “I take it that’s an invitation, not you taunting me with soup I don’t get to eat.”

---

He feels as if he’s been turned inside out, as if he just learned that a part of his heart is on the outside of his body, in the possession of somebody else entirely.

---

But somehow, a journalist being hurt because he’s on to a dangerous story seems less traumatic than someone being attacked for living his life.

---

Andy worries that it’s his lot in life to be mocked by elderly Italian women.

---

Andy isn’t expecting an epiphany at eight on a Monday morning when he’s still mostly asleep, when his first cup of coffee is still hot in his hand. Honestly, Andy isn’t expecting an epiphany ever.

---

A couple times a year, Nick finds a tale of gay misery and woe on his desk, because apparently Bailey has taken it upon himself to be Nick’s personal sad gay librarian.

----

“You have shitty taste in books. Would it kill you to read something that isn’t totally dismal?” “I’m paid for my taste in books,” Bailey says easily. “And I don’t mind dismal things. I’m trying to be your friend, aren’t I?”

---

Families might usually be bonded by blood, but maybe sometimes they’re bonded by shared secrets, by a delicate mixture of caution and faith, by the conviction that hiding together is better in every way than hiding alone.

---

That might be what turns the tide and makes Nick enjoy the book, at least a little. These men are finding time and energy to flirt and have queer parties and get jealous and fall in love despite bombs and injuries and death. That feels like the truest thing he’s ever read.

---

“Yes, well. I figured, you see.” He stops, looking suddenly at a loss. “People in New York have hearts, too, don’t they?” And Emily must really love him if she’s susceptible to a line like that.

----

#cat sebastian #we could be so good #queer romance #queer historical romance #queer books #romance #historical romance #lgbt+#shilo reads #arc review #netgalley #best books of 2023 #favorites #oh my god they were roommates #friends to lovers #grumpy x sunshine #soft domesticity #disaster bi

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mushiemadarame · 1 year

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↳ watch & rewatch drama list

@khaotunq tagged me, my sweet sweet bestie 💖

currently (actively) watching

609 Bedtime Story - technically on pause until I manage to find both final episodes. I was impressed at first and then it kind of lost me as it went on but I gotta know how it ends.

A Boss and A Babe - I hate this show's title but I love how surprising the second episode was for me. Wasn't super excited about it at first because most of the shows I've given up on halfway were by the same director but after episode two, I'm cautiously optimistic.

A Man Who Defies The World of BL - enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would! It's not my favourite, but I'm very curious about how it'll end now.

All The Liquors - Korea?!?! What is happening!!! I love how different this is so far, can't wait to see where it goes.

Bed Friend - this one came out of left field. I was NOT expecting it to go the places it's been going but I am not complaining, holy shit!

Chains of Heart - I understand nothing, I never know what's going on, I absolutely love it. I want it to stick the landing so bad.

Jack o'Frost - I love amnesia storylines, what can I say. Also it's intriguing so far.

Love Syndrome - Jesus Christ. Jesus Fucking Christ. I love garbage.

Midnight Museum - been LOOOOVING the early 2000s supernatural teen show vibes. Gun Atthaphan is always a win as far as I'm concerned and I'm doubly here for the queer vibes.

Once Again - also technically on pause. I took a break halfway 'cause I found out it doesn't have a super happy ending. Will finish it eventually.

Our Dating Sim - AAAAAHH!!!! just AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! South Korean BLs have burned me so often right at the end, but I wanna believe in this one 'cause the mutual thing going on with neither (or more likely just one) of them not knowing has captivated me.

Past-Senger - too early to comment on quality, but I do love the premise! Let's hope it doesn't crash and burn.

The End of The World With You - why do I keep getting surprised by Japan putting out banger after banger is a mystery. I've been bracing for the emotional devastation of the finale for like five episodes. Can't wait to sob!

The Promise - this show inspires so much faith in me. I wanna believe in it, I wanna give it a million chances, and it hasn't disappointed me this far even though it hasn't been special either.

Tin Tem Jai - I don't want to be rude about it but this is bad. I don't know why I'm still watching.

As you can see, I'm watching an embarrassing amount of BLs at any given time.

rewatching

Love Mechanics

Not Me

Theory of Love

I don't really do rewatches but these three I'm always kind of in the middle of rewatching. And also,

KinnPorsche - I started a rewatch recently and I'm very very slowly working through it.

looking forward to

A Shoulder to Cry On - I saved this ages ago, I don't remember why but I'm excited all the same!

Cherry Magic (Thai version) - the one TayNew show I've seen I hated but somehow I'm unbelievably attached to them so this is exciting to me. Plus, I actually think Thailand could elevate this story which, for me, as far as the show is concerned, wasn't great.

Cooking Crush - I cried when they announced this 'cause I thought I'd missed my window to watch a new OffGun show as it aired. OFFGUN! OFFGUN! OFFGUN!

Last Twilight - I thought Vice Versa was a waste of the JimmySea chemistry, but I wanna believe in this one.

Laws of Attraction - I couldn't get through TSWL because it was too soap opera-y for me, but I heard wonderful things and this immediately caught my eye when I saw JamFilm would be working together again!

Middleman's Love - I was infinitely more excited when it was a Mii2 show but Yim has impressed me so much so far in Bed Friend that I'm looking forward to it again!

Only Friends - do I even need to say anything?? I think this is my most anticipated one this year, yes probably even more than Wuju Bakery.

Our Dining Table - I loved the manga this is adapted from so I'm excited.

Transplant - I believe this will come out eventually. I will believe it 'till my dying day.

Why R U - I loved the Thai version so I'm really curious about what Korea will do with it!

Wuju Bakery - the premise is so ridiculous to me but JeffCode so grhgarhagraghrahgarhgraghgrahgrah

TAGGING: @jeronnamo, @poisoneevie, @dirtygermi, @notme-rainbowfart, @nattawinlove :)

#tag meme #the blogger #friends tag

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tryingahandinholdingapen · 2 years

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you can read this on ao3 instead if you like:

I just discovered that @kakashiweek is a thing and am jumping in a bit late. Not doing the prompts in order though: this one is for Day 2, using the prompt "Deception".

Kakashi was horrifically incompetent at lying.

And he knew this. It was clear as day from his expression and his behaviour both that the bastard knew nobody was buying what he was selling.

Yet for some reason, Kakashi didn't let this stop him. He continued lying. Constantly. Shamelessly. Directly to your face whilst he silently dared you to call him on it.

Tenzo stared at Kakashi.

Kakashi stared back.

Given that he was horrendous at lying, it really should not be so difficult to discern whether the man was telling the truth at any given time.

The problem was that instead of abandoning deception, or learning how to lie in a somewhat passable manner, Kakashi had evidently at some point decided to double down on other tactics to deceive and misdirect. Tenzo found himself infuriated, disbelieving and fascinated in turns at the effectiveness of this.

Kakashi's favourite tactic was to take the lies that he must, surely, know would not be believed, and make them truly unbelievable. Omit and emphasise in select places, add a sprinkling of truly ridiculous fibs, and voila, one incredibly tall tale. However a combination of his deadpan delivery, with his reputation and Bingo Book entry, meant that most people unfamilar with the man hesitated to even attempt to call him out on his blatant falsehoods.

Tenzo felt that he knew his senpai pretty well by now, and no longer hesitated for a moment to call Kakashi out on his bullshit. Unfortunately that only meant that he fell for the next trap - both Kakashi and his genin (and, indeed, most people he surrounded himself with, Tenzo mused) lived such insane lives that it was sometimes difficult to sort the unbelieveable-because-why-is-this-my-life truths from the unbelievable-because-I've-never-heard-such-bullshit-at-once-before-now lies.

When that failed... Kakashi had a good dozen ways to misdirect attention on things he'd rather keep secret. He'd subtly change the topic, or pivot so that suddenly you were the one being questioned instead of the one doing the questioning. Sometimes if you got too close to uncovering some truths he didn't want to discuss, he'd respond by blindsiding you with a different, shocking and previously unknown truth. Tenzo thought he'd probably learned far more from and about his senpai via this truthful-diversions than any answers to the many questions he sometimes attempted to ask the man. Kakashi used rhetorical questions to avoid giving a statement that might be immediately identified as the lie it was, or to discourage continued questions.

But he also used rhetorical questions to devastating effect in order to insinuate, to hint and hand over implications that required no direct lies but would send you on a wild goose chase of a lifetime. Tenzo thought this was possibly the most entertaining thing to watch Kakashi do to others, and the most infuriating to have happen to you, because Kakashi could have you believing the stupidest things this way to be a truth rarely revealed, instead of yet more nonsense.

For a man who couldn't state that the sky was green without a dozen tells, Kakashi was quite competent at deception without allowing his utter failure to convincingly lie to act as a hindrance.

"You're lying."

Kakashi's eye crinkled into a smile as he leaned further into his hand, elbow braced on the bar.

"Mah, am I? I think I would know if I was lying, no?" He wondered aloud.

Tenzo glared at him.

"You're lying. I'm sure of it. This is a bar populated by shinobi, constantly. People are walking in and out constantly. And all of those people are likely to be on high alert when they do because fuck knows nobody wants to deal with unexpected attacks or traps when drunk and vulnerable for once. There's no prank set up by the door. It's impossible."

"Oh, never say never, my cute little kohai. First rule of learning to bend elements to your will and ignore little things like gravity - if you want to be a shinobi, there's no such thing as impossible," he raised an empty glass to Tenzo mockingly, then swivelled in his seat to request a refill from the bartender.

Tenzo, meanwhile, had started scanning the bar for anyone he and Kakashi both knew, in the hopes that he could find someone to fact-check. He was already a little tipsy and that was making the already-difficult task of figuring out whether Kakashi was lying, a nigh impossible feat. And unfortunately, despite his own claims, he wasn't entirely sure it was impossible for Kakashi to have set up some sort of humiliating trap over the door of the most popular bar for shinibi in Konaha. If anyone could do it, it would be Kakashi. Or Naruto, of course.

Unfortunately Tenzo couldn't spot anyone who would be of any use.

Grown as he may be, the moment Naruto heard the word "prank" he would immediately be willing to lie to Tenzo too in hopes of seeing the results. Like Kakashi and Gai both, Naruto couldn't lie if his life depended on it, but he lived such a ridiculous life and already tended towards such odd, exaggerated tales of feats both true and false that it was surprisingly difficult to tell whether he was lying or not. Gai would gladly lie for Kakashi too, not because he had any particular interest in pranks, but just because he'd want to support his eternal rival in anything and everything Kakashi set his mind to, the sap.

Tenzo could spot the rest of Team Seven sitting at the same table as Naruto, but that wasn't much help really. He couldn't tell whether Sai was being serious or not on the best of days, and Sasuke may not be the best of liars, but he was a far sight better than Kakashi and his mind worked in such bizarre ways sometimes that...well, again, difficult to tell. Sakura was one of the best liars Tenzo had ever met. And they would both be more than willing to lie to Tenzo for Kakashi - not due to any affection for Kakashi, or desire to see Tenzo pranked, those two just wanted to watch the world burn it seemed.

If Tenzo could just find Obito, that would solve the problem very quickly. Somehow Kakashi, who couldn't lie nor act to save his life, had managed to end up with a boyfriend who was terrifyingly good at acting. Obito though, for some reason, was amazing at lying when he was acting, but outside of a persona, he was hopeless. This meant any attempt at a lie (when in Konaha, and not undercover or in hostile territory) either incredibly obvious or a complete failure.

Even better, although Obito was hardly alone in his struggles to lie, unlike literally everyone else, he couldn't cover for it otherwise. He couldn't edge around the topic or hint at things to send you in the wrong direction, he was just pathetic at any misdirection and he tried to change topics with all the subtlety of an earthquake.

Unfortunately, it seemed Obito was nowhere in sight. And Tenzo really did want to go home now - it was getting late, and he had an early start in the morning to set off for a mission, so he probably shouldn't keep drinking either.

"I still don't believe you're telling the truth," Tenzo stated, drawing Kakashi's attention back to him and hoping vainly for some sort of tell or hint.

No dice.

Kakashi twisted back in his seat to face Tenzo again. His glass was empty again and he tossed it from hand to hand absently as he studied Tenzo.

Then he nodded thoughtfully.

"But," Kakashi said finally, simply, "are you willing to risk calling my bluff?"

Tenzo stared at him.

Then he sighed, wiped a hand over his face, and shook his head as he headed towards the door. He was too tired for this. If he got pranked, he got pranked - but he'd rather be in bed sooner rather than later, and he could only get that by leaving.

There was a shriek in the background and Obito snickered as he slid into the barstool next to Kakashi and slid an arm around his shoulder.

"He fell for that? Really?"

Kakashi tipped his head, his smug pleasure practically radiating from him.

"He did," he crooned, delighted as he leant into his boyfriend's embrace. "Honestly I wasn't sure he would, after all that. Tenzo doesn't normally push that hard, but I got there in the end."

Obito snorted and scrubbed his knuckles through Kakashi's silver hair, just to see the smugness turn to bristling indignation.

"Uh huh, uh huh, you're very smart," he told an indignant partner indulgently, "we should probably go free him from that net now so he can go home though. And so we can go home ourselves, have a little time together before the night's over..."

Kakashi groaned, but hauled himself up and started towards the door.

"Tease," he complained under his breath, "spoilsport. Worst boyfriend."

He still stopped to let Obito press a kiss to his hair when the man pulled Kakashi to a halt just before the door though.

#kakashi week 2022 #hatake kakashi #my own posts #my writing #short fanfic :)

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thegeminisage · 11 months

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squeezing in an hour of zelda before i have to take mom 2 the dentist 😤

first things first i must kill with fire the redead i fled from last night. rip

i love that i get my arrows back when i do this lol

i feel like the game was steering me towards electricity but i have more fire stuff so i'll keep using it as long as it works

admittedly. this is a little less daunting in broad daylight

i am Not ready to do more quest stuff. i think i AM ready to get my next memory. and also to get away from the redeads!!!!!

snow boots. rito clothes. im bracing myself.

you know what fuck it. i can EASILY make it to this memory but let's see if i can't make it to the final tower. i want my map filled in!

oh dear it's been snowed in lol

aw a little underground river. idk i love to river raft in this game. feels like an amusement park ride every time

i made it inside! LAST OOONE

ah man. and now of course i know where i must land. idk if i'm ready!!!!!!!!!! but i'm doing it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well. here i am. i'm gonna frow up

IM GONNA FROW UP

HE'S DOING THE KNEELING THING FROM OOT IM GONNA HUUUURL

REAFFIRMATION OF THE 100 YEAR MALE LORE...GIRL WHAT

ok wait. when the zonai appeared here long ago...girl this is BREAKING the LORE

a hyrulean woman IS IT HYLIAN OR HYRULEAN??? COME ON

did ganondorf just microaggress them lol

turning on his heel like that was sexy

rauru is not maybe being the most kind here. maybe if the ~hyrulean~ king treated me like that i'd kill his wife too.

THAT MAN'S HEART HOLDS MANY DARK AMBITIONS DID YOU SEE THE MAN WITH THE EVIL EYES I CAN SENSE THAT MAN'S EVIL INTENTIONS I'M GONNA THROW UPPPPP

GIRL HELP MEEEEEEE

oh my god they literally start talking shit about his demonic nature as soon as he leaves. I'D KILL HIS WIFE TOO!!!

the irony of the king believing zelda this time when he didn't in oot and it changes NOTHINGGGGGGG

even his name gives me pause. EVEN HIS NAME GIVES ME PAUSE. EVEN HIS NAME

ok. i'm done. i'm here. i'm n

I'M NOT NORMAL ZELDA IS YELLING AT ME!!!!!!! GIRL I'M COMING TO FIND YOU WHAT?

SHE'S CRYING OH MY GODDDDDD

another memory...oh god oh my god the big one i know it's the big one oh my fuckingggg god

oh jesus i already got the shrine there i can just Go???

i'm gonna THROW UP!!!

to be honest i was gonna space these out. i was gonna get ten, fifty, a hundred more koroks before i did this. but there is No Way

two cutscenes so close together though...feels unbelievably decadent.

ok. im bracing myself. AAAAAAAAAAA

YOOOOO these flashbacks

did mineru's SOUL just go into the sheikah slate???? what was that fire poe looking thing?

NOT THE BOTW TRAILER MUSICCCCCC

SHE

JUST

SWALLOWED

ok. so.

i welled up and then genuinely started ugly sobbing

like her theme came in and i was being so strong but like how much the transformation obviously like, pained her - physically and mentally - literally lost herself

and then you see her in the sky 10k years later, still lost. ten THOUSAND years we can't even comprehend that amount of time she has suffered so much and she is so brave and i love her more than anything shes my best babygirl

and the final memory site now surrounded by silent princesses?? fuck me up. fuck

bro. i am sitting here in shocked devastation. i need to lie down for 10,000 years

#personal #loz blogging #totk lb #totk spoilers #i am DISTRAUGHT!!!!!!!!

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momentomori24 · 8 months

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Another prediction before I continue Chapter 5:

All the Master Detectives are still alive.

That may just be me chugging that delulu juice but I genuinely (like, 90% ish) believe they're alive somewhere. I mean, look at these remains:

Their clothes lack any of the blood splatter you'd expect to find from a corpse that was devoured. To me, it just looks like someone (most likely Makoto's doing) placed their tattered clothes onto a pool of blood and threw some bones and investigation notes with their handwriting in there to make it seem believable. The notes could actually belong to them and I'd believe it, but since they were all knocked out they could've easily been pilfered off them and planted there to mess with Yuma. Maybe it's partially the fact that I really want everyone to make it out alive and will be devastated if they actually turn up dead, but I call bull on this one. Plus, the blood is pink despite the fact the detectives are supposed to bleed red (we've see Desuhiko nose bleed). So I truly do believe these were just fake out corpses.

Although, the other 10% of me remembers the Amaterasu Express (and Yakou) and how Kodaka is not afraid to put anyone on the chopping block. So while I do have so many reasons to believe they're all good, I'm bracing myself mentally for anything.

#master detective archives: rain code #master detective archives spoilers #momento rambles #rain code predictions

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lipstickstainz · 3 years

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true lies - s. r. (11/15)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Series Summary: Spencer is furious, when you rejoin the team after a year and after you left him, when he got arrested. Little does he know, that you leaving him was the only option to ever get him out of prison.

Chapter Summary: you know what's coming - the truth.

Warnings: angst, minor violence

Word Count: 2k

A/N: i listened to my favorite saddest songs while writing. be prepared. thanks for your kind feedback! gif not mine.

Series Masterlist

previous part

JJ snaps you out of your thoughts. There's an expression on her face that you can't find the words for. "Y/N? What does she mean?"

You have to swallow. Your throat is tight and you can barely breathe, so you cling to her to keep from sinking to the floor. You can't take your eyes off the two in the interrogation room.

"What deal?" Spencer sits up straighter than he already does. His whole body is tense.

Cat shakes her head. "I thought you weren't here to talk about her or you."

When Spencer slaps the table with his palm, she doesn't even flinch. You do, the harder, and JJ's hands clench into fists. But you only notice this out of the corner of your eye. "What deal, Cat?" His tone is harsh, leaving no room for Cat's games.

She sighs. "Maybe you should ask her yourself. After all, she did come here with you, didn't she? I don't think she'd skip this dance." Cat looks past Spencer to the one-way mirror, straight through it, as if she knows you'd be standing right there. Her grin is crooked and ugly. "Come on, Y/N. You should know I don't bite. Not without notice, anyway."

You feel JJ's gaze on you as you enter the interrogation room without a word. You close the door behind you and out of the corner of your eye you notice Spencer looking at you. But your gaze is fixed straight on Cat. You stop right at the door.

"It's good to see you again, Y/N."

You don't have to be a mind reader to know what's going on in Spencer's head. It's practically written all over his face. Again?

"Hi, Cat," you reply curtly. You feel like shooting her.

"I always knew you lived dangerously. But I didn't think you were stupid. Yet you were the smartest one on your team. No offense, Spencie." She says it like she's bored out of her mind, not like the whole situation could completely escalate in the next second. Spencer tries not to let on, but you can read the confusion on his face. "I guess I was wrong about that."

"What are you talking about?" you ask, involuntarily taking a step forward. Cat takes it as a sign to keep talking.

"I know you killed my partner in crime. Must have been quite a mess, I'm told. Shot right through the head. Kudos, Y/N. I knew you were smart, but you're also badass. Who would have thought." She raises her hand and inspects her filthy and chewed fingernails. Her gaze drifts to you without her moving her head. She looks at you through her eyelashes, which makes her look crazy. "Quite a pity about him. But he was really just my accomplice's boyfriend. So, not worth mentioning."

Accomplice? Boyfriend?

It only takes a brief moment for everything to come together in your head. Apparently, all emotion falls from your face, because Cat looks extremely pleased. "You didn't play by the rules, Y/N. And now someone else has to pay for it."

In three steps, you've crossed the room and pulled Cat from her chair. Before Spencer can stop you, you push her full force against the nearest wall, causing a gasp to escape her mouth. You press your forearm against her throat and she lets out a hoarse laugh. Her gaze mirrors yours. Fierce and unyielding. The pressure on her throat intensifies and she has to cough.

You feel big hands on your shoulders, yanking you back so that you stagger and bump into the table. For a brief moment, you want to fight back as you leap forward again to put a stop to Cat once and for all, but Spencer extends his arm to allow some distance between you. You don't look at him. Out of anger and out of shame, because this isn't you.

"What's going on here?", he finally asks when you've pulled yourself together a bit and he's sure you won't kill her the next chance you get. "What's she talking about, Y/N?"

Cat's look is challenging and you know full well she's not going to say anything. She's dropped the bomb and now it's up to you to make sure the explosion isn't too devastating. You look at Spencer and tears form in the corners of your eyes. There's no way to get around it. And he better hear it from you than from some crazy psychopath. You owe him that much.

"When you were arrested", you begin, hoping your voice doesn't sound as brittle as it does, "it was clear to me from the start that Scratch couldn't be responsible. When you were taken to Millburn Correctional Facility instead of protective custody, it should have been obvious to the others. It was no accident that they sent you there. It was too personal." You can barely look at him, which is why you stare at the floor. "It couldn't have been Scratch, but there was no one else who had a score to settle with you." Your gaze shifts to Cat, "Except for her.

I had no proof, nothing. But I was one hundred percent sure she had something to do with it. So I talked to Emily. She gave me the day off, and I came here." You suppress the urge to knead your hands, so you shove them into your pants pockets. Your gaze wanders back to the floor, though you'd like to look at Spencer. You want to know what's going on inside him, but you don't dare. "Cat denied having anything to do with it at first, but I didn't believe her. And then she made a deal."

"And that included?" asks Spencer. You have to swallow.

"She would get you out of jail, after all, she put you in there too. I knew you wouldn't make it through jail. And not because you were too weak, but because I knew there were some people there who wouldn't bat an eye to hurt a FBI agent like you. And I couldn't stand that, so I went for it." With each word, your voice grows quieter, though you try to sound as determined as possible. But the pain weighs you down and takes away your breath. You remember the visit then, and what it had cost you.

"And what did she want in return?" Spencer's eyes glisten as if tears have formed in them. He blinks once, and the shine disappears. "What the hell did she want, Y/N?"

You can't stop the tears streaming down your cheeks Your heart is beating fast, like it's about to jump out of your chest. You take a deep breath and brace yourself for what follows. "She - she wanted me to leave you. Cat knew that prison could never hurt you the way I would if I abandoned you. If I left, with no explanation and no goodbye."

Spencer's shoulders sink and his muscles are no longer stretched to breaking point. You don't dare look at him, so you stare at Cat, whose grin has actually widened. Psychopathic sadist.

"Actually, Y/N was never supposed to come back either", she continues the explanation, but Spencer continues to look at you. "That was the deal. You weren't supposed to tell anyone about this and never come back, but you didn't stick to that. You thought if you killed the guy and I continued to be in here, you could go back home and get on with your life." Her grin disappears and suddenly she looks incredibly bitter. "Very reckless, if you ask me. My birdie knows you're back home, and as a warning, she left you a trail of dead married men. Apparently you got the message, after all, you're here. That they are dead is all your fault, Y/N. Because you couldn't stay away from your beloved Spencer." She looks from you to Spencer. "It's tragic, isn't it? She loves you so much that she took on all that pain just so you could get out of jail. How incredibly selfless of her. And I'm pretty sure you weren't exactly kind to her when she returned, were you, Spencie?"

Spencer and you can't look at each other, so heavy is the pain on your shoulders. All the anger, despair, and confusion that had spread through you since you saw each other again gives way to an all-consuming feeling of pressure that you can't shake. The only thing that can give you both some comfort is the clarity that has been created. Spencer now knows what really went on, and you no longer have to keep secrets from him. But the matter is far from over.

You look to Cat, but can't find the words. She's won.

You leave the interrogation room without looking at Spencer or saying another word. What could you have possibly said? JJ looks at you with widened eyes as you rush past her. She has her cell phone to her ear, probably talking to Emily, but calls after you, but you don't stop. The air in the building is stuffy and you feel like you're choking on it. Your heart is racing and you feel sick. You just want to get out.

"Y/N." Spencer's voice forces you to stop. You stop so jerkily that you almost fall. When you turn to face him, he's standing right in front of you. His gaze is hard. He opens his mouth, but he doesn't know exactly what to say either.

"I can't, Spencer", you beat him to it. You want to turn and keep walking, but his hand curls around your arm. At the touch, you're struck by lightning.

"Don't you think we should talk about this?"

You should. Definitely. "She had the men killed because I returned", you whisper. "She killed them because I couldn't take it anymore. Because I wanted to be with you. It's all my fault, Spencer. And I'll take the consequences for that."

"So you're just going to leave? Without explanation and without goodbye?"

You don't want to leave, quite the opposite. You would love to throw yourself into his arms, kiss him and never let go. You want to tell him you love him, but you can't. "I can't stay, Spencer. If I did, she would kill more people. I can't be responsible for that. I'm sorry."

You turn away from him, but as you take a step forward, Spencer pulls you back, making you slam against his chest. Your hands settle on the soft fabric of his shirt as his settle on your cheeks, forcing you to look at him. His expression has changed. There is deep sadness in his eyes and he tries to blink away the tears that have formed in the corners of his eyes, but they fall down his cheekbones. All at once, he looks so young. "Promise me you'll come back? Back to me?" One of his hands clasps both of yours, still resting on his chest. He holds them tightly, afraid of losing you again.

You smile weakly at him and tears come to your eyes too. Your smile is honest, but sad. "I will always come back to you."

- tags -

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#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid blurb #spencer reid headcanon #spencer reid one shot #Spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x reader smut #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #Jennifer jareau #Emily prentiss #derek morgan #aaron hotchner

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mypoisonedvine · 3 years

Text

Time After Time | dark!Neil (Tenet) x reader

summary: it’s tricky when feelings get involved in an organization like tenet. still, you’ve never been happier than you are with your boyfriend Neil, even if he’s a bit elusive and a very erratic coworker. for all his secrets, you never expected what he would tell you the day he finally proposed.

word count: 5.5k

warnings: smut!! (dub con, for extremely complex reasons), almost kinda stockholm syndrome?, yandere/soft!dark neil, breeding kink, confusing time travel stuff

"What are we doing here?” you asked as you looked around the safehouse— like any secret Tenet hideaway, it was sleek but sterile, nestled in a historic neighborhood in southeastern Moscow. It was sort of how you remembered from the last time you’d been here for work, but somebody had rearranged the living room and changed out the rug. (Knowing the nature of your business, you were pretty confident you knew why the rug was replaced.)

Neil had made it clear that you weren’t coming here for a mission, but never said what you were here for, and had kept up the veil of secrecy all week long. At first, you had assumed that since tomorrow was your four-year dating anniversary, it must have something to do with that, but the more you pondered the potential options, the more you were unsure.

You turned to look at him and found him wearing his signature smirk, the one that made you sure he was up to something— but you still didn’t know what.

“Seriously, Neil, just tell me!” you pleaded with a laugh, shoving him playfully.

“We’re here,” he explained slowly, “because I need to ask you something.”

He sank down onto one knee, clutching your hand in his, as you looked down at him with wide eyes. "Oh— oh my god,” you barely managed to stammer, entirely breathless.

“As soon as I met you, I knew you were the love of my life,” Neil began with that smile of his that always melted your heart. “I knew that I had to do everything in my power to make you as happy as you make me, to have you with me until the end of time— whenever that actually comes.”

You laughed a little, but it fell into a sob of joy as he reached into his jacket and pulled a ring out of his pocket, brandishing it to you.

“Darling, will you be my wife?” he asked, almost sounding like he was a little nervous that you’d say ‘no’, for some reason.

“Neil,” you whispered, “of course— yes, yes!”

He popped up and kissed you, smiling too hard for it to be a very effective kiss, though it was a perfect one nonetheless. You felt him slip the ring on your finger and you felt like you were floating on air. It was even more surreal than the first time you were inverted.

“I’m so glad you said yes,” he admitted with a sigh of relief against your lips. You pulled back from the kiss and looked up at him, bewildered but overjoyed.

“Were you really worried I’d say no?” you scoffed incredulously.

“Terrified,” he laughed, and you laughed too, kissing him again quickly before launching into the first of so many questions you wanted to ask.

“When did you— how did you—?”

“I got the ring last month,” he explained. “I thought about waiting longer but I was so tired of hiding it from you. Then it was just a matter of getting you here.”

“Don’t take this as me criticizing your proposal,” you giggled, “but I have to ask: why here?”

He sighed a little, smirking slightly, and looked away before catching your gaze again. “You’re gonna think I’m a bit crazy—”

“Already do, continue,” you winked.

“But this is where we first met.”

He was right; you did think he was crazy. You furrowed your brow and laughed nervously. “Neil, we met at a coffee shop, the one by my old apartment. I didn’t work here then, you recruited me yourself.”

He chuckled slightly, turning your confusion into an eerie sense of nervousness. “Sometimes you amaze me with your naivete, darling. This is where we first met, the first time.”

Gingerly, you pulled your hands away from his.

“I didn’t recruit you, originally. I was here, working, when a close friend of mine came in and introduced me to the newest member of the team. It was you… and you captured my heart, instantly. Only problem was…" he trailed off, chewing his lip as he glanced away.

“Tell me, Neil,” you demanded quietly.

“You’d captured someone else’s heart, too. And he had already married you.”

You stood up instantly, walking away a little before turning back to stare at him in bewilderment. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing; you could hardly stand on your wobbly legs anymore. “I… I had a husband?”

“Yeah, met him once; seemed like a nice guy,” he shrugged. “But he wasn’t right for you.”

“And how’s that?”

“Because he wasn’t me.”

You shook your head, terrified to imagine the ways Neil had tampered with the flow of time for something as trivial as an infatuation with you.

“I tried to hide my feelings for you, darling, really; we were just coworkers for a long time, I kept it strictly professional. But the more I got to know you, the more I grew to love you. I knew I couldn’t be happy just being your friend— you’re my everything. I tried to tell you— but you wouldn’t listen,” he shook his head. “You told me you loved your husband. You told me you had just found out you were pregnant.”

His words hit you like a train and you stumbled back slightly, bracing yourself against a credenza to try to keep from falling to the floor.

“I realized I had to go back,” he continued, becoming a bit more passionate as he explained his plan. “You couldn’t be convinced if you were pregnant with his child. But if I was going to invert myself to try to confess my love for you sooner, I figured it would be easiest if I took it a step further and avoided the whole marriage itself. You had told me once about the day you met him. So, I went and found you in that coffeeshop, the day before. And I recruited you to Tenet. Truth was, we could’ve used you a lot sooner, so it was advantageous to the organization as well— which is why I got approved to be inverted by the boss himself.”

That hurt. He was Neil’s friend, but he was your friend, too. Had he known that when Neil went back to recruit you, he would irreparably alter the course of your life? Or had he only realized later and decided not to try to correct it?

“Don’t look so heartbroken, darling,” he pouted, stepping forward and reaching out to gently rub your shoulder. “We’re finally together. Things are finally the way they should’ve been from the very beginning.”

You pushed his hand away and averted your gaze, unable to look at him anymore. "I'm sorry, Neil, I can't do this— I can't live a lie," you shook your head, beginning to step away.

“No, you can’t go,” he breathed, desperation apparent in his tone along with his expression. “You can’t go! I finally got it right this time!”

“Is that why you were afraid I’d say no?” you realized with wide, watery eyes. “Because I said it before?”

“Yes,” he admitted, faster than you expected. “But—”

“How many times?”

There came the silence, his nostrils flaring as he crossed his arms and looked away.

“How many times did I reject your proposal, Neil?”

“...Fourteen.”

“Oh my god,” you sobbed, “Neil, you— you never gave me a choice, did you? From the beginning? Every time I tried to get away from you—”

“You always knew you belonged with me,” he posited fiercely. “You always knew, it was why you kissed me that night, a year from now, on the bridge in Oslo.”

“That wasn’t me!” you cried. “I was never married, Neil, I was never pregnant, I never kissed you on any godforsaken bridge! You undid it all, and now you’re holding what I never did against me?”

“Even then you knew we were meant to be together,” he explained, stepping a little closer; out of love for the man you thought he was, you had a moment of sympathy for the man he had become, and let him pull you closer and cradle your face in his hands. He wiped a stray tear from your cheek as he smiled down at you.

It almost felt right for a moment, but you couldn’t trick yourself into believing this was anything but wrong. "I'm sorry, god, I'm so sorry," you whispered hoarsely as you turned to walk away— but he chased you and spun you back around, overpowering you as you tried to wriggle from his grasp.

“After everything I did for you,” he growled, grabbing your wrists tightly when you tried to get away, “you can’t just walk away from me.”

“You didn’t do any of this for me, Neil,” you spat as you struggled, “you did this for yourself. You stole my life!”

“I saw your life, it was shit without me, okay?”

"But at least it was mine!"

He grabbed you by the shoulders and pinned you to the wall, making you yelp as he glared at you, eyes wild and teeth bared. “I’ll just go back and do it again. I’ll do it a million times until you stay with me forever, I swear. So what’s the use in fighting me? You’ll say yes, eventually. Why don’t you save us both some time— in a sense— and just accept it now?”

This was a side of Neil you hadn’t seen before. He wasn’t livid, he wasn’t violent (at least, not to the level you knew he could be), but he was undoubtedly threatening you… and you knew that he was right. More than ever you were sure that he was going to keep doing this, keep taking you through the same loop until he got the outcome he wanted. It was horrifying to imagine, but at least this way you could know the truth. Maybe you could even find a way to escape him someday— you couldn’t even imagine how, but you might come up with something later. You had all the time in the world, after all.

He softened slightly as he must have realized you were considering it, reaching down to pull your hands into his. You glanced over at the sparkling diamond on your ring finger, remembering how ecstatic you had been to wear it just a few minutes ago. Now it was a tiny gold shackle, each glimmer of the stone like a silent taunt.

Devastated, but with nowhere else to turn, you began to sob and allowed him to embrace you and pull you into him. He held you close as you cried into his shoulder, terrified and confused and seeking comfort even if it was from the man who had imprisoned you in time.

“Shh,” he soothed gently, “it’s going to be alright, darling, take some deep breaths for me. Can you do that? In—” he inflated his chest, guiding you to breathe with him, which you did to the best of your ability—” and out…”

Smooth breaths were difficult with sobs vibrating your lungs, but you eventually managed to stabilize yourself as he guided you through a few more. You resented that he knew you so well to be able to calm you down; you resented that your body trusted him enough for it to actually work.

“That’s it,” he praised softly, “you’re okay, it’s okay…”

You stared at yourself in the mirror, contemplating the way your face looked through the lacy white veil. Silently, you wondered if this was how you looked at your first wedding; the one that never really happened, to the man you never got the chance to meet. You liked to imagine that you looked happier than this, that your eyes were filled with excitement rather than resignation.

A knock at the door didn’t even tear you from your trance, nor did the sound of it opening; only Neil’s reflection appearing beside yours in the mirror made you snap back into reality, if only slightly.

“You look beautiful,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around your waist and kissing your ear.

“Bad luck…” you mumbled. “It’s bad luck,” you began again, “for the groom to see the bride before the wedding.”

“I think we’ve had enough bad luck for a lifetime already,” he joked, making you furrow your brow and turn around, looking up at him.

He bore a startling resemblance to the man you’d fallen in love with, to the man you’d been ecstatic to marry when he got down on one knee for you in a nearly-abandoned safehouse in Moscow. Even the way he smiled at you, his gaze so gentle as it scanned your face, was exactly the way he’d looked at you a thousand times— when you first met, as well. The first time for you, at least. He’d known you for years then; it was no wonder that he looked at you with such love, struck up a conversation that perfectly targeted your interests. He must’ve spent years practicing to be your perfect man, until he finally got tired of the lie and trapped you in his twisted idea of the truth.

It made you question his motives for appearing suddenly and spoiling the surprise of you in your wedding gown— a sight he must have been dreaming of for years.

“Did I leave you at the altar?” you asked, below your breath. “Is that why you’re here? You came back to stop me?”

He chuckled lightly and brushed his fingers over your face. “I don’t know yet. This is the first time.”

You swallowed the lump in your throat. “How can I trust you? How can I know you haven’t said that every time?”

He didn’t answer, instead leaning in to kiss you gently. You closed your eyes, accepting that you could never really know the truth anymore. Maybe someday you would become comfortable with unknowing, or at least complacent enough to tolerate it.

Walking down the aisle felt sort of like walking toward the gallows, but instead of death waiting for you at the end, there was a life of futility, an existence guided not by destiny or decision but by derangement: one man’s fight, against God and nature, to keep you to himself and steal you from the life you were once meant for.

You managed to keep your footsteps steady, glancing briefly to the pews scattered with parse friends and family— wasn’t much time for either of those with the kind of work you did. All the time in the world, but not enough time for a real life. That was why it had been so easy to fall for Neil, since he was one of a few people you spent significant time with. Had that always been the nature of the job? Or an orchestration by Neil himself, separating you from others until you couldn’t choose anyone but him?

Thankfully, you managed to get through the wedding without crying more than was appropriate or screaming at him or trying to run away. You exchanged the vows and the rings, you kissed each other, the whole shebang. Occasionally you actually managed to enjoy yourself, in those moments that you forgot this was all a hollow facade, greeting guests and listening to toasts and dancing with Neil— your new husband.

You forced yourself to keep up the image of a happy bride for the sake of your friends, and everyone who came here in expectation of a fun wedding. It was what they deserved, even if it was costing you everything.

But once they were gone, you didn’t know how to play the part anymore. You didn’t know how to swallow down the sick rising in your throat as Neil led you to the honeymoon suite, how to smile back at him when he looked at you with so much joy.

You didn’t know how to prepare yourself for what you knew he expected.

“I… should change out of this dress,” you realized once you were alone in the hotel room together, and he nodded his approval. You knew if you looked at yourself in the mirror, you would cry, so instead you focused on getting out of your uncomfortable gown. The lacy white lingerie underneath was intimidating, not for what it was but for what it symbolized. You couldn’t go back out there like this, obviously— so you grabbed one of the puffy white robes, the hotel’s logo stitched onto the breast pocket, and you threw it on as you stormed out of the bathroom and directly to the balcony.

Tears threatened to burn your eyes as you looked out over the London skyline. It was stunning, and it made you appreciate that you should be thankful for the freedoms you did have. There was a big, beautiful world out there and you had the means and the motive to explore it all, if you wanted— you’d already seen more than most.

But you still mourned for the life you never lived. Some would argue that in an infinite number of alternate universes, you had the choice to leave him if you wanted to; and apparently, from what Neil had implied, you usually took it. Yet, that was useless to you now. The irony was not lost on you that you would be so spoiled as to hate your life when you were standing on the balcony of a luxurious hotel, in a gown that cost more than your first degree, with a gorgeous new husband and more money than either of you would ever have any use for. You knew you were being petulant. But something deeper longed for freedom, with everything it cost. Does it matter how decadent a cage is, if you are still trapped in it?

The balcony door opened behind you, and you defiantly sniffled, quickly wiping a stray tear from your cheek.

“Darling?” Neil gently called to you. “Is everything alright?”

You didn’t answer, fearing the waver in your voice would give you away.

“I know it’s all a little… overwhelming,” he relented, his voice coming closer along with his footsteps. “But you really have nothing to worry about. I think you’ll rather like it.”

“Like what?”

He paused for a bit before he replied. And when he did, he said it like it was obvious: “Being my wife.”

You turned to face him, expecting rage in your voice but hearing only sadness. “And if I don’t? You’ll just… go back, and do it again until I do?”

He sighed a little, seeming hurt by the question. “Please, darling, it’s our wedding night,” he cooed, “you can’t hate me. Let me remind you how good we are together…”

His touch was distantly familiar, and against your better judgement you relaxed a bit and let him pull you closer, his cheek brushing against yours as he spoke beside your ear.

“I never inverted for this,” he explained with a whisper, fingertips grazing over your arm. “I didn’t learn your kinks, memorize your body and then go back to impress you from the beginning. The first time we were together… it was the first time for both of us. And it was perfect. Do you remember?”

You nodded.

“Tell me,” he instructed, lifting your chin to tenderly kiss your neck.

“Paris,” you sighed. “We were posing as lovers to check in to a hotel without arousing suspicion. I’d been enamored with you since I first met you and I thought maybe you felt the same way, but I told you we couldn’t be together because of Tenet…”

“But I kissed you anyway,” he reminded you.

“And I didn’t care about Tenet anymore,” you remembered. “I just needed to feel you. And we made love for hours— nearly missed our signal to get out of the building.”

He chuckled lightly against your skin, his fingers leaving goosebumps where they travelled across your back. “It was worth it,” he decided. “It was beautiful.”

You pulled back and looked up at him, finding so much love in his eyes, and you searched desperately within yourself for a way to love him in return again after what he’d done.

Swallowing, you slid your fingers into his hair and examined his face one more time, illuminated in the faintly bluish glow of the city lights.

“Go back,” you whispered.

“What?”

“I need you to go back,” you repeated. “To the day you proposed. Don’t tell me the truth this time.”

Realization dawned on his face, somber but calm.

“I’ll be yours, Neil,” you promised, “forever, like you wanted. But I can’t live like this. I can’t live knowing what you’ve done. And I can’t live with myself if I know that I gave in to you.”

“I hate to leave you on our wedding night,” he argued, turning away slightly— but you held his face and pulled him back to look at you.

“Do this for me,” you pleaded. “Consider it a wedding present.”

He gave you a small, sad smile before he embraced you again. "Anything for you," he whispered as he kissed you on the top of your head.

Neil all but kicked the door down as he carried you in his arms, unable to break the kiss even for a moment to open the door properly.

He stumbled around the room a bit before he finally tossed you onto the bed, eliciting a girlish squeal as the puffy layers of your wedding gown's elaborate skirt flipped up over your head. Growling playfully as he climbed atop you and slotted himself between your legs, you pushed your dress out of the way to look up at him.

As your laughter died down and you examined his face, you were compelled to reach up and hold his jaw in your hand; he turned his face slightly to kiss your palm as you caressed his cheek.

"I love you," you sighed as you brushed a stray strand of hair back out of his face.

"I love you too," he smiled, "more than you could ever know."

You rolled your eyes. "There goes my husband with his crypticness again."

He hummed at the title, kissing you again. You figured you were lucky he didn’t rip the dress as he got you out of it, growling when he saw your lacy white lingerie underneath. “You really are too good to me, darling,” he purred, leaning down to capture a nipple between his teeth through the fabric until your back arched. “All wrapped up for me like a pretty little present…”

You whined when he slipped his fingers down between your legs, toying with you and refusing to just pull the panties aside and get on with it. Of course he had to draw it out, savor every inch of you, but did he have to drive you so crazy along the way?

"Neil, please," you whimpered, "need you…"

"I know," he soothed between heavy breaths, kissing down your chest and stomach until he reached where you'd nearly soaked through your flimsy lace. He kissed your swollen clit right through the fabric— damn him that just that little touch made you moan and grab his hair. He loved seeing the effect he had on you, it was clear by the way he grinned and did it again, a little firmer, relishing in the way you squirmed.

Finally, he pulled your panties aside; although of course he did it tantalizingly slow before sliding his tongue through your folds, moaning lowly when you accidentally pulled his hair a bit.

He looked so damn good with his face between your thighs, staring up at you and holding you in place with his petrifying gaze. His eyes were always uncharacteristically dark when he did this to you, like he'd been waiting all his life for this moment. Like the taste of you drove him wild.

You shuddered when he pushed his tongue inside you, instantly putting pressure against the most delicate places inside you. When the pleasure threatened to become too intense and you instinctively tried to squirm away, his strong hands gripped your thighs and held you down nearly effortlessly, likely leaving marks on your skin for you to notice tomorrow, to remind you that you were his. As if the ring wasn’t enough.

“Fuck,” you groaned, “please— please let me come.”

You didn’t always ask him for permission, but he always gave it when you did. So you weren’t expecting him to grin and stop his task to suck a hickey onto your thigh. “Not quite yet,” he purred. “I need you to ask really, really nicely…”

“Um,” you stalled, distracted by watching him leave a trail of marks along your skin with his teeth, “please… don’t stop, Neil, please let me come… I’ll do anything, you know I will.”

“That’s already true,” he reminded you, snarling as he gave your pussy a sudden spank; you yelped and jolted from the impact, but it ended with a moan and more wetness gathering at your hole. “You can’t be so obedient all the time and try to use it as a bargaining tool, darling. You know better than that. Offer me something I don’t have.”

“If you let me come,” you pondered your potential options as you bit your lip and rocked your hips up in hopes of friction, “I’ll… make dinner, every night, for a week—”

He quirked an eyebrow.

“A month!” you blurted out instead.

“You’re negotiating against yourself,” he chuckled, slapping you right on your clit and making you cry out. “And you’re not much of a cook.”

You were teetering on the edge, desperate for any leverage you could grapple onto, keening for just a touch more stimulation to bring you the rest of the way— and you were so fucking close. You could only think of one thing Neil wanted, that he didn’t have, that you could give. And it was a stupid idea, but you needed to offer him something fast before those dreaded spanks between your thighs made you come before he’d given permission.

“We can fuck on a mission,” you announced through your teeth. Finally, you felt like you had his attention. The only time that had ever happened was the one time you let it happen— the first time. The next day you’d had a long conversation about how you weren’t going to let feelings interfere with the job; he agreed, and since then the two of you had done a pretty good job of separating business and pleasure. Although he did occasionally get irritated with your work in the field and take it out on you that night in bed, but that doesn’t count, right?

“Really?” he mused. “Whatever happened to boundaries? What happened to ‘respecting the other team members’?”

“They don’t need to know,” you explained. “Please, Neil, I really really need to cum.”

He pressed a thumb to your clit and drew slow, relaxed circles— just slow and relaxed enough to make sure you couldn’t come from it. You sobbed and let your head fall back, exhausted of his teasing. “How can you be sure you’ll be discreet enough? You’re not exactly… subtle,” he smirked, your moans now exactly proving his point.

“Can’t be loud with my mouth full,” you countered, and his smile finally fell. You finally had a bit of power back.

“You’d really suck me off on a mission?”

“If you can promise to keep quiet,” you chuckled.

He growled a bit as he dove back in, the sudden pleasure forcing a deep moan from your lips. “Fuck,” he mumbled against you, “so dirty for me, huh?”

“Yeah,” you agreed as you bit down on your lip. “God, I’m close, just don’t stop…”

“As long as you keep up your end of the deal,” he smirked, and you nearly forced his head back down between your legs but thankfully, he kept his mouth shut after that— well not quite shut, just busy, and before you knew it the pressure that built in your gut finally flowed over and you sobbed his name at the peak of your orgasm.

He kept going for just a moment too long, sending white hot shocks up your spine from the overstimulation, but thankfully he slowed down and pulled back, licking his lips and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

With that out of the way, and you nearly melted into the bed at this point, he sat up and hastily opened his belt and fly while he gazed down upon you with a burning hot stare.

"I should return the favor," you offered, sitting up slightly and reaching to wrap your hand around his length, but he shook his head.

"I’ll get my chance, but right now I just need to be inside you,” he explained gruffly. “Can’t spend another moment without being buried in this gorgeous cunt of yours; I might die if I can’t have you now.”

"Well, if it's a matter of life and death," you grinned, poorly faking indifference as he shoved you back and caged you in, guiding his cock to your dripping wet entrance.

“Ready, darling?” he prompted quietly as you felt the head of him prodding at you. You nodded, and yet you still gasped and clutched his forearms when he pushed into you. It was like the first time every time, with the way his thick length speared into you and stretched you open, but you craved it regardless; by now it wasn’t even pain, just raw sensation that pushed your limits in all the right ways. He sighed a bit when his hips met yours, already pulling back and setting the pace of his thrusts.

Even with how wet you were, there was friction just from the size of him, but it was the right kind of friction— a smooth, slow drag against your walls that compelled you to wrap your legs around his hips and hold him deep inside you.

“Is that how you want it?” he interrogated. “Deep?” You nodded and he chuckled a little. “I can do that.”

He stopped moving only for a moment to grab your legs and push them up, such that when he thrusted again, the tip of his cock hit the furthest places inside you and you choked on your own moan. "Fuck!" you croaked, eyes shooting open and hands reaching out to clutch his shoulders.

"How deep am I inside you?" he asked coyly, well aware of the answer already.

"So deep,” you slurred, barely able to form words with a heavy tongue and empty lungs, “all the way…"

"Good." He leaned down and growled against your ear. "I hope I knock you up tonight."

His words shocked you, in the best possible way. You surprised even yourself with the way your body reacted, and your hands were almost moving of their own accord as they grabbed his face and pulled him into a deep, needy kiss.

“Neil,” you mumbled as you broke it just enough to look up at him, “put a baby in me.”

“Fuck,” he hissed, thrusting into you faster than ever, “I will, darling…”

He was unstoppably filthy after that, relentlessly pounding into you, claiming your entire body as he whispered unimaginably dirty things in your ear.

"I know you want it so badly, darling, I know you need to be filled with my seed… can't wait to see you all round and glowing with my baby in you."

You didn't understand his emphasis on the word "my,” as if it could ever be anyone else's! But you didn't really notice that very much, too busy crying out at the feeling of him stretching you out and reaching the deepest places inside of you. “Neil, please— I’m so close, want you to come with me,” you whimpered.

“Yeah? Wanna squeeze my cock with this pretty little cunt while I fill you up, darling?”

“Please,” you sobbed, and you were sure you’d never needed him this bad; never needed anything this bad.

Deep little growls coming from between his teeth signified that he was close, and you felt your body tightening around him as you reached your peak one more time, much more intense than before and so much louder than you meant for it to be. He finally spilled inside of you, painting your walls with his spend as you whimpered and began to descend from your high. His body relaxed atop yours, though his arms wrapped around you to hold you close. After a few moments of that, he fell onto his back and you laid your head on his chest, humming happily at the feeling of his warmth seeping out of you. You were confident you’d be sore all over tomorrow, but you couldn’t feel it now as the afterglow served as a painkiller, keeping you numb and happy while you cuddled into him.

His arm around your shoulders pulled you closer so he could kiss your forehead. You looked up at him, admiring the way he looked horribly disheveled and yet entirely perfect; he looked back at you, smiling softly.

"Can't believe you're finally mine," he sighed wistfully, "forever."

#tenet fanfic #neil tenet x reader #dark!neil tenet x reader #neil tenet dark fic #robert pattinson x reader #robert pattinson dark fic

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